Son of a Boy Dad - Boy Story & Ellis | Son of a Boy Dad #142 (LIVE)

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

Boy Story & Ellis | Son of a Boy Dad #142 (LIVE) "An all-time hang," Lil Sasquatch calls it.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Set us off. All righty, welcome back to Son of a Boy Dad Podcast. Today it is Wednesday, October 18th, correct? Yeah. All right. Correct? Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Goddamn. All right. What the hell was that? That threw me off. Why were you guys waiting? Why did you always do the date? He always does the date.

You do not need to do that. What are you doing? You know what it is. I always start every episode. He wants to hear that. It's how Portnoy used to do the rundowns. That's why I do it. It's very derivative. It's a live show. You're's how Portnoy used to do the rundowns. That's why I do it. It's very derivative.

You're doing Dave Portnoy. Everybody will fall into a Dave cadence at least once in their time. You've been doing Dave for a while. No way. That's crazy. Your whole act is Dave. That would be interesting.

All of your jokes are Dave. You're just bagging on Smitty the entire time. I'm always bagging on Smitty. So how many seconds are we in? We are probably 30 seconds in. Is the audio still working? It sounds like we're having some technical problems. Me and Francis.

You guys are coming in hot. What's one coworker that you like? You don't have their phone number. Um, I don't have Frankie Borelli's phone number. I do. Damn. Why do you have it? From Forklift? Golf.

You would love Frankie. I think I'd get along with him. I was afraid of you. He's terrified of you. He gets nervous about people who he thinks are doing bits. I'm not a bit guy. I'm the best friend you could ever have. I'm not really a big guy either until he,

until he starts assuming I'm doing a bit. And then I, and then I don't, I live in the shadow. No, I, I overcorrect even more. And I,

I hate, I'm not even funny. Yeah. Cause if you do something funny, people will be like, look at you, you fucking freak. We just couldn't help you.

Yeah. I never know with you guys. I never fucking know. Do you want his number? You'd be like, hey man, how's it going? No, I want to get it from him organically. It's 516- Okay, fine.

I'll take it. 356- 4470. Thanks. Yeah, no problem. Whose number was that? Frankie Borelli. No, it wasn't.

Oh, man. problem whose number was that frankie borelli oh man some random person is going to be pissed i'm not i know i can't see it i mean or just frankie it could have just been frankie's number to be frank it could have been easier you could have given it to me yeah honestly try as i might wait what was your uh what was the point of you saying you're about to lead to something? What co-worker's number don't you have yet? Just a conversation story. I don't know. I'm trying to think. We could get him in here and you could ask. Erica? You don't have Erica's number.

No. No reason to when you're on your best behavior. They text me when they need to talk to Sass and it's usually bad. Me and Sass are like, yeah, we me when they need to talk to Seth and it's usually bad. These ass are like, yeah, we'll talk to Nick to get to me. It's really frustrating.

I don't know if I've ever talked to you. I have to have an extra calendar for Kyle. Have we spoken one-on-one? We've been on the same show on a daily show for four years. Even right now, having trouble making eye contact. I don't know if I've ever been alone with you and just had

a full conversation. We can get out of here if you guys want to knock us off. Me and KB have been next to each other on the subway and talked and then we'll get off the subway and walk separately to the office. And it wasn't a conversation. It was two utterances.

One to two words apiece. I've done week-long trips with Kyle, two week-long trips with Kyle and the only conversations we have are me showing him a Pokemon I caught. He's like, oh, that's gay. That's our conversation. That's our friendship. That's more than me and KB have had.

I've mastered solitude. Mental and physical. Damn. But it's not introversion or loneliness or solitude. I think so, yeah. I think it's healthy. I think some people have the opposite

and that's a problem too. What's the opposite of solitude? People who need to be in a social situation, need to have company. I could just fucking sit on my couch all day, every day, forever. And that's healthy. Sometimes a weekend will pass and I'll be like,

oh, I haven't spoken in three days. Yeah, that does happen. But do you like that? I don't realize it in the moment, but I feel guilty afterwards. Oh, I've never felt guilty about that. What do you think is the longest that you could go without speaking before you started to kind of go back?

Oh, I talked to myself. I could do a week. Out of anger. For sure. I was thinking like a whole era of the world, the global time span. Like seven years? I don't know. What would happen?

What would be the adverse effect? What would break? like seven years i don't know what would happen like what would be the adverse effect like what would how would maybe maybe you start to i don't know but my guess would be maybe that the the inner monologue you have in your head you maybe you can't differentiate between that and what's being spoken out loud and by the way i'm not talking about sitting on your couch watching tv i'm talking about going out into the and doing a quest. Go do a solo retreat. People do that. Yeah, right.

You know this? Well, I don't know about, maybe not that one, but I'm talking about spirit quests or when people test themselves 30 days in a row. You could make it an hour. That's like a primal thing that the original tribes would all do spirit quests. Yeah. Spartan boys would be sent out into the wild to fight primal thing that the original tribes would all do spirit quests.

Spartan boys would be sent out into the wild to fight saber-chewed tigers. And they'd have to bring them back. Is that just the beginning of 300? And the Tanzanians would have to use a spear and they would have to come back with a big game. Or they would often die.

Which means die as in they were killed by the big game yeah or that they would often die which would die as in like they were killed by the game or yeah they would have to come back with the body of like a lion right that's got to be but you're talking about going to cbs oh well uh no no i think i think we we each go out and maybe it doesn't have to be like you have to survive in the woods, but it is a place where you are not able to distract yourself from your inner monologue with the help of

a screen or content. Have you ever gone out with Roan? Yeah, many times. He'll just go up to me like, I'm going to pretend like I'm a missionary to this waiter and try to convert him to Judaism. He's very mischievous. Him and his boys, they always got some scheme. They bring props on the road with them. Very capricious.

Have you ever learned a choreographed dance, Ron? Probably, but I'm just not great at it. We learned how to SpongeBob. We should do that for Black Friday. We should all learn a really good dance. That would be so funny. That would be huge.

No, SpongeBob the Baltimore Club Dance. What is that? Do it be huge. No, SpongeBob the Baltimore Club Dance. What is that? Do it for us. Dance, boy. That's the SpongeBob? That's cool. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. That is cool.

Wait, that is really cool. Yeah, fuck with that. I've seen that. That is cool. That was cool. Baltimore Club Dancing is awesome and also New Jersey Club Dancing. I don't know if you... You don't listen to any New Jersey Club music? I keep seeing Jersey Club. I don't know if you don't listen to any New Jersey club music?

I keep seeing Jersey club. I didn't know if that was the Isle of Jersey. UK or New Jersey. It's New Jersey. It is. It's like songs that beats like Jersey Shore anthems. No, it's more like black. It's like black

South Jersey like that Lil Uzi song, I Just Wanna Rock. That's Jersey Club. So that bleeds into Philly? Yeah. South Jersey. So the dance Lil Uzi does, is that?

That's Jersey Club. Jersey Club, okay. That's Jersey Club. It seems like there's no rhyme or reason to it. No, it's kind of, you just go where the body takes you. Yeah. That's kind of beautiful. But that's different than like drill drill or getting sturdy like the uh new

york well that kind of thing i haven't gotten sturdy in a hot i know i don't know why you what's not ever since these boys left i know i feel like when you guys are here i was getting stopped getting sturdy i was getting sturdy i'm not believing that for a second yeah there's not a chance i have no he has you just haven't gotten sturdy no one's seen me get sturdy i don't think there's anyone out there who's seen me get sturdy in months since you guys left it was like i feel like when you guys were here i was getting sturdy like two to three times a week and I don't think there's anyone out there who's seen me get sturdy in months. Since you guys left, I feel like when you guys were here, I was getting sturdy two to three times a week. I don't know if you matured or...

I haven't had time. When you're traveling so much, you don't really have time to get sturdy. Did you dance at school dances? No. You didn't cha-cha slide? No, I would sit in the corner by myself and be like, I fucking hate everybody. I had to dance. uh no god no you didn't cha-cha slide no i would sit in the corner by myself and be like i fucking

hate everybody i had to dance it i went to school dances sober was like the worst shit of all time i did it i went to dances and i would always dance with the fat girl really yeah that was something in our family that we had to do like get your family yeah my family had a creed there was a creed my uncle yeah and you my uncle yeah you have to dance you have to do at least one dance with the fact was that like uh like that was like look how good i am i'm dancing with the fat girl no it was it was take a picture of me with the panoramic lens no no she's 160 pounds yeah yeah not fat because i had a buddy in school who would like dance with a disabled girl and it was like always for show, it's only dance with fat girls for pussy from.

Dude. And they would, they would have their friends film it. Yeah. And he'd be like, what? I'm just being a nice person. Yeah. Film this. Like, yeah.

Film this. I wouldn't dance with a disabled girl. It was. And plus it was a creed that he had in his family. It was a creed. We had creeds. What did you say? What was the creed?

The creed was before you dance with the non-fats, you have to dance at least one time with the fat. Really? True story. I would always make sure to find... That feels like legitimately fucked up.

What kind of... They loved it what type of dance do you typically do with an overweight slow dance okay i was gonna think salsa yeah yeah and you want to wait you want to talk about sturdy she would be sturdy touchy roll yeah yeah she was very sturdy in a different little top heavy typically but uh sometimes you want to fall in love though that winds up being those marriages that you can't right exactly because beauty is within though would she be like like would like i feel like after that i feel like that catches on how many times did you go to the dance well i didn't tell her you know i'm dancing

with you because my uncle said i had to i didn't say that what a weird thing for your uncle to say you have to do i think it was metaphorical but we took it literally oh okay make sure you dance with the not the non-pop he might have said metaphor you gotta go through some don't dance with the non-popular kids make sure you look out for the weak in the world that's the metaphor those who are unloved those who are on the margins. If I'd seen Sass pouting in the corner, I would've said, there's a potential school shooter someday. Let me see if I can save the lives of everyone here.

Make out. Give him a blowjob. I was on a potential school shooter since first grade and on field trips, I would have him sit with me on the bus and stuff. Let him play my Game Boy SP. You're still kind of rolled that way. He does roll that way. To stop him or to save yourself? You know what I mean? my Game Boy SP. That's smart. You're still kind of rolled that way. He does roll that way. I always do.

To stop him or to save yourself? You know what I mean? I do it out of guilt. But you're hoping that you'll deter school shooting or you're hoping that he'll see you while he's school shooting and be like, you're good. Deter. Either way is a win for me.

Everyone else is getting got. I feel amazing. That would be like the highlight of my life to be the one that was spared. In the best way. I remember leaving school dances. Thanks for dancing with me. Yeah, that would be I knew. I always knew

I'd be safe in that situation. Francis, you would not be safe. You would not. You are like in every single school shooting in history. You're the first person to get it. Yes, but I knew everyone's names. That doesn't mean shit. Everyone knows the school.

No, they don't. Those are the kids on the margins. No, no. The school shooter is always known because they suspect. No school shooter has ever been surprising. It was always obvious. Trying to think think none have ever looked like you. Really? Yeah.

Yes. Absolutely. It doesn't mean that everyone knows their name. They could go to a huge school. I was lucky that I went to probably be hanging out in the library, like tutoring some fat girl out of fuck. I think you overestimate my popularity i was not popular in in middle school or high school i was i just find it so i mean you went to harvard

for lacrosse yeah but i that's when i found my stride i didn't have my stride until then but i feel like you just don't pick up lacrosse you're athletic in high school it didn't they didn't like me kids didn't like me i was not. I was a theater kid. What's like a cool kid in Maine? Someone who doesn't care. Someone who's like a hockey attitude. They dip

surreptitiously in school. Yeah, that was always cool. Dude, I remember leaving my last dance of high school sober and I was like, I'm never going to be able to have this much fun again. Like it's never going to be this sweet again. Like this is as good as it fucking gets.

And every weekend since then has been better. The last day of high school was just the best, worst day of my life. Yeah, exactly. I thought I was fucking, I thought that was it. I thought I was fucking done.

And it's just like, oh, you can just like go to dances like every single weekend or any day that you want with as much alcohol as you want. The one thing that. Girls were poison. Big poison. Just dancing. They really were. I was always just like, I just couldn't have fun at those events. And I would be like mad at people that could have fun.

I was too nervous. And I went and sat in inside the cafeteria i went to one homecoming no other dances i was really big into uh world of warcraft instead i always scheduled raids for dance night yeah just in case like a girl asked me i'd have an excuse and uh but i went to my freshman year homecoming and i had to bring a girl from a different school because i did the same thing yeah um she had a boyfriend same she was He was dating Dakota. She was dating Dakota. Yeah. I thought you were about to say same. No,

no, no, no. My girl was dating the only Jewish guy in the city. What was his name? I don't want to say, but it was hyphenated and two of the most Jewish names separated by a hyphen ever his last name.

Um, synagogue for just, yeah, dude, dude, we had like a synagogue, the size of a phone booth. It was just him walking in right out.

That's, that's that's honestly probably pretty fun yeah yeah yeah maybe just chill out um yeah so i went to that school dance and she just danced with like her boyfriend and i was sitting in the cafeteria he was there yeah that's the only way we worked out a wet thing like she wanted she was in a different school but wanted to go to this dance so her boyfriend went with a girl and uh she went with a guy did you take pictures or anything like the three of you guys uh my parents drove the three of us in an envoy xl and i was shotgun and they were in the they were in the back row making a fucking frenching were they weren't i don't think

they were frenching making out in your mom's car? Envoy XL. You went to see Shotgun. I called Shotgun. I went to junior year prom with a girl who had a boyfriend, but he was out of high school, so he couldn't go. Oh, and you were probably so afraid. He was furious. He hated me. He fucking hated me.

We had been friends for a while, so I was like, yeah, I think this is pretty fine. And then, I don't know what kind of friendship that dude reach out we were like we were like my friend group was friends with their friend you were low-key in love with the guy the girl you were friends with the girl yeah yeah yeah he didn't reach out but i heard i heard things like that he like had dudes keep an eye on him. I'm going to fucking kill you. Damn. You're always so afraid of getting killed by a dude a grade above me at all times. Or someone's dad. Yeah.

Like my dad will beat the fuck out of you. And I believed it. Or my dad. I was worried about my dad getting beat up by someone else's dad. That's actually the worst nightmare. Way worse than getting beat up yourself. Watching your dad get beat up.. Watching your dad get so hard. Wallet?

His ass kicked. My dad was not landing a punch. Shorts and hanes fall down. Topsy-turvy. He's upside down, but his pants are still around his ankles, defying physics. That would be the worst experience on earth. We've got to do a study on the

kids whose dads have been beaten. Like your dad trying to defend you and he just gets his shit rocked. Yeah. Like the man that you look at as like the healthful. Yeah. The savior. The strongest man on earth. The patriarch.

I think it'd be more emasculating than if your mother was a prostitute. Yeah. Oh, I would rather. If your mother was a prostitute. Have you ever seen your dad like scared i don't know if i agree your dad getting beat up i think it would barely edge it out well like what you know i had my baseball game dad and a dad on the opposing team get into a fight my dad gets beat up versus learning that my mom is putting cheerios on the table via fucking people yes but

she's not even really buying food For the family The dad getting beat up I would rather like My mom be getting fucked in the dugout by the coach Than like the coach hopping the fence and just kicking The shit out of my dad Imagine the drive home with your dad She's still like sniffling

But he's doing that thing to hold back his tears where he's smiling Too big Like what do you even say You're trying to like tell him but he's doing that thing to hold back his tears where he's smiling too big. What do you even say? You're trying to tell him to give him a pep talk? You went three for four. Yeah, you had a good game. That wasn't bad. It wasn't as bad as it looked, Dad.

Dad, nobody remembers who won. No one's even going to remember that by tomorrow. He's just fucking caught up everywhere. He looks like Jake Gyllenhaal at the end of Prisoners. Yeah, you have to bring your dad like a bag of frozen peas. Turning to his eight-year-old son being like, I got sucker fuck. Your dad has to go to the hospital and one of your friend's parents has to drive you home.

He's like, they were jumping me. Just one guy. Oh, man. Oh, God. I don't know if I ever saw any parents. Like, parents would yell at each other at hockey, like at youth hockey games. But they never got brought to fists. The youth baseball games are when it was the closest.

Wrestling moms are crazy, though. Wrestling moms, yeah. They beat the shit out of their sons. Wrestling is just abusing your kid for losing. It was insane. But it's also abusing your kid to cut weight and stuff, too. The kids were in plastics

at 6 a.m. trying to make 55. 7 and under 50. No hyperbole. Kids were cutting weight to make 55 pounds, seven, seven and eight 55. That's insane.

That's not too far out of the womb. Yeah. You guys are all five to West Virginia. The state youth tournament has a four and under category. So the first, so like the first kids call are now up from Wirt County. Four and under, 35 pounds.

And it'd be a bracket. The dads were like your age. Like red face. Crawling to the ring. Some of the kids are like, what are you doing that for? Can you speak in full sentences? You cannot converse. It's like me and sass talking

and the worst part they would give the kids the same size trophy as everyone it would be four feet tall yeah you got these three-year-olds with the trophies and they're scarred for life chasing that high that's like dude that's crazy pounds. Do they even know technique? Do they know any moves or anything like that? Or they're just dicking around and floundering, running after a soccer ball type of deal? I'm sure they had to have some sort of technique if their parents are making them cut weight at four years old. That's three and four.

I bet that's pretty cute. It's probably pretty easy to make a four-year-old cut weight. I'd like to watch that. I'd like to find any. Kids are definitely crying badly. There's probably big disparities in strength by some of them. I'd like to watch that. I'd like to find any. Kids are definitely crying badly. There's probably big disparities in strength by some of them or someone will get body slammed and have a real breakdown

like a child. I've definitely seen videos of that. Man, youth sports were fun. I can't wait to have a kid that just the drama involved in it was always great. Did you enjoy playing them though? No, I hated it. It was like dads who haven't experienced a thrill in 20 years.

Like just parents coming over to the loving life of the bench at hockey games and like grabbing their kid and be like, you got to start fucking playing better right now. Yeah. And then the kid turns around and he's like, fuck that happened to me a lot. I was, I'm pretty scarred from baseball.

Yeah. My dad used to send my sister around the hockey rink and come over to the bench and she, Oh, dad says you got to start playing better. And then I'd look across the ice and my dad would just be sitting there like this. Go tell your brother to play better.

I didn't. I was an awful baseball player. I was like left field, right field, picking dandelions, you know? And this was like in seventh grade and our team was really good. We were in the division

finals and we were rallying. I was on the Elm Grove White Sox. I went up to bat. We had one out left and I added the rally caps on and I got up to the plate

and the ref just called me out because I went out of the rally caps on and I got up to the plate and, uh, the ref just got the up, called me out because I went out of the batting order and lost our team, the game. Oh, no. Oh my God. Yeah. I had one where I scored a goal on our, on our own net in hockey. It hit, went off my skate and went into the thing.

What'd your dad have to say on the way home? My dad was like, you know, if we were in Colombia, they would kill you for that. Colombia? Yeah. Did he think you were going to play in the NHL? No. I was terrible.

It was because I was really good when I was young. When I was young, I was very good. When I was like eight. Then I just never got better. It's like you would stand better. I found the bracket. It's like you would stand up. You found a bracket. This is,

it's 40 pounds, 40 pounds. So you got Boone Young from lead dog beating Sebastian Puffenbarg for the 40 pound title. Sebastian Puffenbarg. And there's a kid, there's a kid named Jordan Anderson and his team is ground zero. This is just the region.

Puffin bar. Yeah. 40 pounds. What the fuck? Puffin bar is a solid name. Did you guys, uh, trip crouch?

What? Where is Charles? Those are just two like body positions. Sounds like a gaming console instructional menu. Crouch. I feel like it's such a mark of like, uh, perceived good parenting. If you're like at the baseball games or like i was at all the baseball games or like my dad never came to the baseball

games i don't remember ever knowing if my parents were there nor did i give a fuck if my parents were there oh i always hoped that they weren't yeah exactly yeah i think malcolm gladwell said those are like the healthiest parents what who are at the games or who don't the ones who don't make it a priority yeah that makes sense honestly weird to go to every game yeah it's too much with hockey the games were so far away that my dad would have to drive me that was probably part of the reason that he was furious was because yeah he woke up at 4 a.m yeah to get ice time the game has to start at like 5 45 and all is expensive as fuck yeah so we would have to wake up at 4 a.m. To get ice time, the game has to start at like 5.45 in the morning. And hockey's expensive as fuck. Yeah.

So we would have to wake up at like 3 and drive to the rink. Yeah. No wonder he was paying a thousand for it. Do you think that if you had not played hockey, that your dad and you would have had a better relationship? Me and my dad have a great relationship. What does that mean? Just that when I was a child, we didn't get along with hockey.

And then after me, he just stopped giving a fuck about sports. Neither of my younger sisters play sports. You broke him. You took that from him. He's much happier now. I think the general vibe of the family is a lot happier since we ditched hockey. Since he stopped wanting. Yeah.

Since he stopped wanting for more from his boy. We were going to do a sketch about it a while ago, but just like about the drives home after a bad game. Too real, though? And you're just sitting in the backseat and it's just silent. You should do the one of the dad getting the shippied out of him. Yeah, that is fucking hilarious, dude. Your dad getting the shippied out of you would be scarring.

Like not even landing a punch. You would never be able to look at your dad the same way. No. Not even landing a punch is so funny. Just getting embarrassed. And if it goes on for a while, it's like a solid three-minute fight. Punch, punch, punch.

All landing on his face. Getting back up. Him trying to fight is way more embarrassing than him just taking a couple punches and being like, alright, let's settle this. Having to throw in the towel for your own father. He's had enough. I to throw in the towel for your own father. All right, enough. He's had enough. I said, leave him alone.

Oh, God. Oh, man. There were parents who would get escorted out of games a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder how it is now. I think it's more intense, though. Really? Definitely.

Kids are specializing in one sport. That's probably because they're seeing Joe Burrow get in $250 million contracts. And parents are probably like, what is this? Especially now with NIL, there's an incentive. Yeah, the money is closer than it seems. Some of these kids are jacked as fuck, too. Oh, they're all on steroids. Honestly, you not being around has deprived me of what the kids,

what the 8 to 12-year-olds are doing. I don't know about baby gronks and sartorius. Your finger is on the pulse. You really were. You 100% were, so I feel like I just don't know anymore. Well, I do know there's a baby Justin Jefferson now. But he's white, though. No, I don't think so.

Baby Diggs is white. Oh, Baby Diggs. That's who I'm thinking of. Yeah. Baby Gronk is like just, I mean, there's still people. He's kind of fallen off, but there's still people in every single post being like, fuck you. Baby Gronk, I hate you.

Imagine falling off when you're eight. It's tough. It's going to suck. That's got to suck. His brain wiring when you're eight yeah it's tough that's gotta suck his brain wiring's gotta be crazy yeah yeah that's so bad it's really bad and like people like me are like only making his future worse yeah there definitely will be a documentary it's like girls on twitter surviving instagram when they turn 28 it's like dudes commenting like Shaq in Celtics that's a new thing have. Have you seen that? Yeah, I don't understand. Wait, can you explain that for me? Washed up. That was like his last team

he played for at the end of his career. Okay. These girls are still beautiful. And these dudes that are just sending... Oh yeah, I did delete Instagram because it enrages me. The comments on Instagram. The women getting picked on enraged you? No, it's not even like women getting picked on it's like i can't take this these beautiful

27 year olds are getting picked on no but it's not even them getting picked on it that's my cue to leave it's great it's wild dude the war the gender war is the strongest it's ever been i was feeling horrible for summer ray yeah yeah he doesn't deserve this. Who's Summer Rae? Big ass. She's posting a picture of her ass. She's getting the Shaq Celtics responses. Go to her most recent photo of herself on Twitter and then look through the replies.

It's kind of fun. Oh, I forgot he played there. A lot of that. It's crazy. It's all 13-year-old boys. Yeah. And Indian crazy. That is. And it's all like 13 year old boys. Yeah. And Indian dudes. We've been through this before.

Yeah. We always, it always comes back to this. Yeah. Then look at like Heather Locklear. You know who that is now? It's like an old, beautiful woman.

Yeah. Oh, BW. She's still got it going on. That's great. She's still lovely. going on. That's great. That's good shit. Not throwing the Celtics jerseys under her profile? That would be really funny.

She was like a real old one. She was like a rock band 80s hot. She was in like Wayne White. Is she on the White Snake Hood? Maybe. Probably something like that. She's just smoking hot still though. Francis, who's your first celeb crush? Yours is probably a weird one.

Natalie Portman. Okay, that's fine. That's pretty standard. When was that? Like Garden State or before that? Loved her in Garden State. It might have been Padme in Star Wars. Yeah, when she was tied up.

Got that fucking white suit ripped. I know. Right under her little lip. Yeah. Fucking bum. She was a Harvard student while she was doing Star Wars. Really? Yeah. Damn, I thought she was like 14.

She may... I think she... Maybe she did the second one or the third one while she was there. I wonder why she had such a chokehold on people. People loved her. As far as how she looked? I think that she was a lot of people's first crush. She had that sexy

raspy voice the voice i loved the voice and i loved her laugh and i don't know just loved her about her ass and tits didn't know they didn't know about those not crazy though that's my point it wasn't it definitely wasn't a lust she's not bod bodacious. It was not a lust with her. It was love. I feel that. What has she been up to? Is she still making stuff? I feel like she's the type of person that would age gracefully.

Yeah, I think. I don't know what she's been doing. The last thing I saw of hers was that sci-fi movie she did that was okay. Where she went into the sphere kind of thing. Went into the world. Oh, is that the one where she spoke to aliens through her brain

or some shit? That was, what's it called? Her rival. Her rival, right? Amy Adams. Amy Adams is the same as Jessica Chastain. The chick from Hot Rod who's married

to Sacha Baron Cohen. Isla Fisher. That's Drew Barry more than me. I don't know why. Hot Rod's a good movie. Classic. Bill Hader. Danny McBride as big characters. Those are fucking studs.

When he falls down the hill for a long time. That killed me. How could he keep on falling? Those are fucking studs. When he falls down the hill. For a long time? Yeah, that killed me. That was absurd because how could he keep on falling? I think I went home to my parents and I was like, you guys got to fucking see this. Mom and dad, I'm going into comedy. This is going to be me one day.

When did you realize you were funny? A couple months ago. I got set at the stand. Once that hockey shit didn't work out. That's hockey shit. Yeah. Once I realized I wasn't going to the league.

So I got to take these skills somewhere else. You're just like holding the top of your stick like, wait a sec. Huh? This could be me.

This feels perfect. This feels just right. Oh, good God. What else are you guys doing while you're in town? You know. Nothing. Nick didn't even eat dinner yesterday. He had a long day yesterday.

You guys were grinding? He's been on a fast too. These dudes just aren't eating anymore. Fasting is the eye. I recommend it. Because this is the time when I would always crash sluggish. Did you guys, I ate and feel pretty good. Did you guys come back and people tried to like, uh,

otherize you be like, what are you guys doing around here? Or like, yeah, we haven't even gone for a month. Yeah. People just miss that much work here. People in New York have been gone for longer.

There's definitely people I've worked with that I've never seen. I forget. I walked in and somebody was like, you look good. I was like, what? I've been gone for three weeks. You look exactly the same. Exactly the same. Probably worse. I think it's that we've had a lot happen. It's been crazy.

It's been nuts Now what you guys have witnessed Sitting at the desk talking about the Delta Sky Miles Frequent flyer off debates Every single day That's not true We watched all of Surviving Barstool unfold No spoilers

Oh yeah I wasn't here for that Alright That was fun That That was insane. But no Delta Miles talk that week. None? I find that hard to believe. Yeah, Francis, that's insane. I might have talked to Glennie about it. Yeah, we talk about it because it's Tommy's in on it now

too. Glennie's big in it. Glennie's fucking platinum. Damn, I'm bummed I moved. Yeah. We're always lie back all the time. We're always moving. What's like the peak of this debate? Like entertainment? It's not a debate.

It's not a debate. I just don't understand how they're so far ahead of me when I fly so much. They're spending more money. That's what it is. I found out. Francis was like, if you spend $400,000 in the next two months, you could get to my house. I was right next to you and that was verbatim what he said. And I was like, I don't think I have money.

Why don't you just go to Japan? Wrap the dinner. This is a guy who has lived off a debit card for all these years. And I have been telling you for so long to switch to a credit card. And you just said, oh, I've got my dad's coming in next week to help me pick one out. I never said that.

My dad's introducing me to a man who will help me find one. Two weeks would go by and I would then watch you pay for a round of beers with a debit card. Yeah, which was way easier. Yeah. I don't understand.

I get like you get the points and stuff with credit cards, but it's like then you got to go into another app and pay for it again. Yeah, you're doing it twice. Yeah. It's like it's still coming out of where the debit card is. With a credit card, you don't have to punch your debit code in every time you pay for something. I guess. Yeah. That is more convenient. My Apple

Pay works. You know what's been convenient for me? This Twisted Tea. Oh, yeah. I just love Twisted Tea. Is there a copy for an ad read or is it more just kind of off the top? Just freelance it. It is 100% the best tasting alcoholic beverage.

I mean, literally anywhere. At a crowded bar. K mean, literally anywhere. At a crowded bar. You seem like Twisted Tea would be one of your top bevs. It is. It's the only one that's kind of close to a real non-alcoholic beverage.

Yeah. Very tasty. It is confusing. Very dangerous. One of my sisters loves Twisted Tea. My older sister loves it. All she'll drink is Twisted Tea. We won the state championship.

Well, never mind. Twisted Tea is the best. It's real tea with a kick, which is crazy. Full of flavor, very refreshing. It goes down smooth. Best thing for football season. Honestly, if it's football season, you've got to be drinking twisted tea.

Grab a refreshing twisted tea today. So dang good. So goddamn tasty. It's pretty cool you guys don't have internet in this office. I like that you kind of ditched that. That we did what? There's no internet. I was trying to upload that. Oh, no. We'd add live internet. What do you mean by that?

Did we take that with us? Yeah, you guys took the router. We just have an at-home Xfinity router. Dude, we're using Devlin's hotspot. Big Cat was our internet guy. Yeah, he took a tower with him. He took the servers with him. We got to keep all the tea.

Oh, yeah. He came into the office in Chicago. He was like, where do you guys all the tea. Tea. Oh, yeah, yeah. He came into the office in Chicago. He was like, where do you guys keep the tea? They're like, what? This is the most bare-bones office in the world. It's really bare-bones out there. Pissing. You have to be super strategic to piss.

Oh, yeah. Because you have to go outside. You have a key to piss. You need to use a key to piss. And there's a girl's bathroom to piss into. Yeah, I guess. But then you'll get shamed if the bathroom is smelly even if it wasn't you yeah can we talk about you getting mugged or have you covered that quite a bit a little bit but

i not too much details but that's pretty traumatic i wasn't mugged i wasn't like it's whatever it took from you do they touch you who do you think that's a chicago thing like do you regret moving there because of that no it happened sooner when i moved here what do you mean i've been roughed up a couple times really yeah you're that guy yeah damn that sucks it happened on my first rediscovering america trip dude i would have definitely danced with you first yeah man the middle school dance no i know my uncle would have wanted even kb being like knowingly like oh yeah yeah yeah keeps on happening to the boy no it's just like if there's somebody that like that wants something sees me they know they have it well that's true

of all of our co-workers too everybody abuses your kindness it's not yeah i like want to be in my new video. I'm starting a series about finger painting and you have to write it and you would write the whole thing. So here's the idea. I'm not going to do anything. You're going to be me and you on camera telling jokes. Let's see it. Let's talk about the idea real quick.

What do you got? Then you pitch the whole idea and then it's, Oh yeah. Somebody who doesn't work here anymore sat me down like hey i have this good idea i've been working on it's um this would be weekly it's uh it's an animated show yeah and i was like all right and he was like do you want to do the do you want to like hop on board for the rest i was like what they're like that's what i have so they just pitched me cartoon.

I would watch this happen. We used to sit next to each other. I would watch this happen every single day. Someone would come up to you and be like, Nick, I got this really fucking good idea. They would pitch him the genre. I'm going to need you to write 75 jokes within the next 30 minutes. That's doable, right? Yeah.

And then, yeah, we'll sell it. Someone else was going to host it, though. You're not going to be on any of it. It's cool, though, because it has given... No, because if somebody makes a good joke, like if Brandon makes a genuinely good joke, people are just like, Nick did it. Everyone. Yeah. Yes, that's nice. There's... Once every...

Yeah. I like it. It's people... I've convinced myself that it's people respecting me, but are people using me? They're using you. Huh. No.

There's a lot of use. Yeah, they're using you to make their life better. That's all it is. It's fine. But I like it because if I don't do it, they won't be friends with me. So you actually, you're using them. Yeah, you're using them.

Yeah, you've actually used them. Without friends, what's the point of getting up? Right. What's the setup of the office going to be uh is it like you guys i know where the yak is right there next to the basketball court is it going to be you guys is it like hollywood squares kind of kind of is it like open it all is open out like hollywood you walk in there's the basketball court it's a lot like this office you walk in there's the basketball court the golf sim and the gym and then the roof the in, there's the basketball court, the golf sim, and the gym. And then the roof. The roof for roof ball. The roof for roof ball.

That's above the golf sim. But then there's Yak around the corner, part of my take. Brandon and Titus' show. They're all on the first floor? All first floor. And what's second floor? There's a content area that I think will be live 24-7. Really?

Always mic'd up. And then there's a row of studios, two general use ones. I saw that they painted Son of a Boy Dad stuff up, but then they had to paint over it, sadly. Did they really? No. The office is not even done. Yeah. They already painted over it.

Wait, is there really going to be a 24-hour content place? I think. Imagine a live shooter in there. Dude, that would suck. The views. You're going to have to be on constantly. You can't even have private conversations. That's right.

And then our studio, I think we're next to Dog Walk and then two more general studios if we want to try to poach people from here. Nice. It's going to be a lot of just farting. A lot of farting. Yeah, I think a lot of farting.

In the live studio, it's going to be a lot of just... No, you're right. A lot of people... Everybody's, I think a lot of farting. In the live studio, it's going to be a lot of just... No, you're right. A lot of people... Everybody's thinking it. You said it. It's going to be a lot of farting. Yeah.

A lot of Chick-fil-A. No one even here... People barely even talk. When I was talking to Big Cat about moving, I was like... Rip ass and shove food in their faces. You're... Yeah. When I was talking to Big Cat about moving to Chicago, I was like, just swear to me,

it's not going to be all farting. And he had to have had his fingers crossed behind his back. It's going to be a lot of farting. That was a weird take by you. Oh, that shit's going to be all farts. I can't think of anything worse. All is crazy. In a 24-hour content place?

That's going to be the most boring shit of all time. No, it's not. They'll be doing shit on purpose. Who do you think of here when you think of farting? Who's the... Legitimately everyone that's not in this room right now. Who do you think farts the most out there? I fart more than them. What lady at Barstool do you think farts the most?

A lot of them. Yeah? What co-worker has the fartiest ass? We should go sniff some chairs. Should we sniff some chairs? Let's go sniff some chairs. We were doing that earlier. If they had a 24-hour live cam in this office, we should go i can't say should we sniff some chairs let's go sniff some chairs uh we're doing that earlier if they have a 20 if they had a 24-hour live cam in this office it would be like they would send it to like stanford and be like you guys need to study these things

it should be a thermo cam one of those ones that shows the red yeah a heat cam yeah yeah yeah like in like the purple dye that they have in yeah yeah we need to have like fart air in here just so we can detect it i might just set up a fucking camera one day just go this is gonna be live the whole day yeah put it out on a separate stream wait for people to find it and then one day it'll turn into one of those like japanese game shows where there's just like 10 million people watching it at all times truman show. Yeah. How, where, where'd you even put it? Like to, to watch everything.

Probably like up top. Eli. Oh yeah. But it was up top. Dude, that's like pitching cartoon to me. All right, we're going to put camera up top.

This would be the biggest show at bar store. If I secretly hit a camera. And it's just like John Rich taking the top off a salad yeah that's all it would be yeah i mean i i bet that they're gonna do like video games or like play checkers or some shit like that like they're probably gonna do something on purpose there it's not just gonna be a fart cast so there are people out there who like they just consume barstool from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed. Yeah.

Barstool employees. Like this would end and they'd be like, all right, I'm going to pop on over to the 24 hour stream. Watch them leave the studio. Work along with us. Hold on. You have a problem with that?

Watch them walk out of the studio and sit at their desks. The 24 hour idea. I'm not thrilled on. And I feel, I feel like you don't work there. You already started an all-farts stigma. It's going to be all farts. Which makes it watchable.

Honestly, you're selling it accidentally. Yeah, dude. If there are as many farts as you're promising. I think I'm just having a hard time understanding what it is. It's just like the Papa shot will be out there probably. People just messing around, interacting. KB and Brandon tussling. yeah farts there will be farts um okay yeah so it's gonna be like when there's like when you're catching an office romance on like like a zoo after hours yeah like when you go to like a

zoo's website and they have like the panda yeah you click on it half the times the panda's just asleep yeah there's always like 500 000 corners and then for one second a day you can see it sneeze. Dude, imagine getting drunk at the office after a rough and rowdy wake up and you forgot you fucked Blattman in the live camera area. Is that what it's going to be? Did I fuck Blattman in front of the live camera?

Oh man. That'd be good. People are going to be like, dude, you've gone to the bathroom like 10 times today yeah i'm gonna get dms yeah chipotle again yeah it's kind of funny is that where the desks are set up yeah in that area so it's gonna be everybody's desks is this real i think so are you guys fucking with me i think it's i i've been pretty out of the loop but that's what i thought there's a lot of t of TikTok places that do this. Like the Yellow Rose in Dayton.

You can just plop on their live. And just the place we hosted the twerk competition. Yeah. And Put-In-Bay has a 24-hour live at the pool. Missed. Yeah. Every day? Every day.

Is the pool open 24 hours? Yeah. People enjoy it. The calming simplicity. So people are going to go? Yeah. People enjoy the calming simplicity. So people are going to go, they'll be like, alright, they'll wake up in the morning, they'll throw on 24-hour live. Barstool Radio will come on, they'll throw that on. Imagine having

the camera like the morning Mincy said the no-no was. That's going to have so many people watching everything, right? So I think it's almost like the gambling streams, they're going to have it just for those clips. If there's one viral clip that can come out of it every other day, that'll be awesome.

Yeah, it does seem like a lot, though. They're not going to not do it, dude. It seems like a lot. Call Hank right now and talk him out of it. Can we call Hank? I would love to know about it. I would love to. Call Hank.

Don't say anything about the farts Hank will be heard that a million times already he probably is one of the fartiness dudes that we have Hank no what no alright I'm calling Hank you're treating it like it's a bad thing I'm talking about good heart health a lot of beans in your diet

I'm not going to hang out with a farty dude magical fruit he's not going to hang out with a farty dude. Magical fruit. He's not going to answer. You got to tell him he's live to tape. Hey, it's Henry. Sorry, what's your call? Damn.

Henry. Maybe we should have called from Roan's phone. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Wait, call from Roan's and see if it first rang. I think I'm going to pick up. Probably has like a special ringtone for Roan. But if I saw you calling me, I would freak out. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think you've ever called me. Hey, it's Henry Shines. Les. Oh, he hung up. Oh, so he must be in trouble. Yeah. Yeah.

Jesus Christ, if he's not answering my calls, things are bad. Or it'll be like last time when he was on anus how do you answer the phone he's like hey yeah yeah and you pause him hello oh what how did he say hello yellow yeah yellow oh man they're gonna have to have he's probably in an emergency meeting because he was watching he was like we forgot about the farts it's gonna be all farts what if we give was watching. He was like, we forgot about the farts. It's going to be all farts. What if we give man puns to all the guys to clog up the farts? It is. I'm going to be watching it constantly.

Yeah. See? Yeah. Like if White Sox Dave brings a date in at like 10 PM. Yeah. But are you guys going to like be, you guys don't care about this? Like you don't mind? What would I?

They'll be in their office. They'll be in their camera-less office. Oh, okay. I see. But if like, okay. I see. But if I know something's going on, I'll go out there and that'd be cool. What's White Sox Dave like?

You've met him. Yeah, you would have a whole trip to Arizona with him. Why are you asking us? Is he... Actually, never mind. Come on. I've heard that he's quite

popular with the ladies. I haven't had the chance to go out to a bar with him yet. Probably. Yeah, I believe that. Tommy and Glennie are. Is that right? Yeah. Tommy's hit list looks like my Instagram Explorer page.

Yeah. Tommy and Glennie fuck more nights than they don't. That's not true about Glennie. His longest dry spell was probably 20 years, but then his next longest dry spell was probably six hours. He's that thirsty?

He's in honeymoon phase. Tommy goes on dates every single night. Tommy just leaves his apartment door open and lays in bed like stray cats coming he just leaves out some milk $20 bill on his penis they leave the $20 bill

but Glennie has like a dedicated and detailed anthology of every encounter that's horrifying that's not great I don't know I was told you're not supposed to do that. One time I got yelled at by my English teacher sophomore year of high school.

She sat me down in the cafeteria and said that she'd heard I was keeping a list of all the girls I was making out with. Did you have a list? A fun list to make. I think one day at soccer practice I started actually going through it out loud as we were stretching.

And then somehow that got back to me. And you weren't popular in high school? Yeah, I was about to through it out loud as we were stretching and then somehow that got back and you weren't popular in high school? Yeah, you had a list of makeouts? Sophomore year, I had a good fall because I was a new kid. Fuck you.

It all went downhill after that. The new kid's reading off the list of his makeouts. That's like your character that they would write about. But I was a new kid. I was a new kid in school and everyone liked me and then I faded and everyone hated me. Your makeout list was faded. Yeah, you kissed me. No, I didn't lie about the makeout list.

Do you still have it? Oh, man. Why'd you do sexy voice for that question? So many girls. He wants to compare. making out with all kinds of girls. Hot tubs in hot tubs. I've never been in a hot tub. Hot tub making out when you were a sophomore? I've never been in

a hot tub with a girl. It was at Chris Hitchborn's house. Chris Hitchborn's house. Oh, damn. I don't think I was allowed to go to girl-boy parties until I was like a senior in high school. We would probably spin the bottle where the jets of the hot tub would spin the bottle

towards the person you're supposed to make out with. Nah, bro. And you were also the best lacrosse player in the state. Sounds like you had a rough high school experience. No, you must have gotten picked on because you were the best kisser, maybe. I definitely didn't help, but no, after

my sophomore year, I flamed out. I flamed out. Because he kisses better than me. Try not to come from his kisses. We're going to hang him from the flagpole later from his underwear. Because his kisses are just too sensual. Rumors going around, his kisses feel

way too good. Put Lothario in the fucking locker. Girls are coming off of his kisses alone. Meanwhile, he's barely even hard. No, I wasn't hard. You weren't hard, Macken? No, I wasn't hard. I never got that.

I remember one of my friends when we were younger told me that he never got hard when he was Macken. I don't get hard when I'm back what are you talking about macking but macking for kissing flirting or no macking kissing you're getting hard when you're flirting bro when i was in high school yes that's what you're getting hard i never really macked i never really macked it's been in game though it's not a kissing macking macking out macking is flirting and yes we would get hard flirting I'm using I've been posted coming

from flirting too hard I was flirting too fast I was flirting too fast I almost came laughing up fellas I know I was in a room full of fucking stallions. You just tried to normalize macking out. Yeah, macking is not a thing. That's a new slang.

Everyone's using that. When did you start saying that? Macking? Yeah. I've been saying that for years. Was that at your high school? No, I probably didn't say that in high school. I think my dad says it.

I think my dad came up with that one. Macking? Yeah. But then your point, to your point, yeah, we were getting hard making out. I'm getting the hardest I've been. But he said he wasn't getting hard. I didn't get hard making Macking. No, I was not. I didn't like it.

I didn't like Macking in, in high school. I wasn't, you were just like, can you just fucking blow me already? Blow. No, no, I just,

I can add you to my blow list. My mind would wander. I would, I found it out of space on my Mac list. Yeah. I start, I don't have any more rumors. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I was only the notes app has a bottom? There is a limit. He reached the bottom. It was the fall of your sophomore year when you were 15. Before the cloud. You better blow me because I'm going to be honest, Tony.

There's no way I'm wasting my last spot on the notes app with your name on my Mac list. I won't kiss you, but you can blow a bunch of room on anal anal. I didn't like I didn't like making out. Why though? Just felt gross. I didn't

I didn't know what I was doing. I knew I was good at kissing, so I would like stop midway and I'd be like, not bad, huh? You can probably tell this is my first time. Why do you look so shocked? You should see your fucking face right now. Oh my God.

Like deer in the headlights. Oh, you haven't heard? Oh my God, like deer in the headlights. Oh, you haven't heard? Oh my God, dude. What a nasty boy. I know I was just bad at it. I'm sure I was just bad at it. Yeah, I still am. I probably did try to do too much.

Yeah, too enthusiastic. What was your wedding day kiss? Was it a peck? Were there children at the wedding? What was your wedding first kiss was it a peck were there children at the wedding what was your wedding first kiss you may kiss the bride but it was sort of a prolonged long lips long lips you know good

good one yeah did a little bit of a dip maybe I went to a wedding where like the new dad like the father in law of my friend getting married was like come on, kiss her. Alright, I went there. That's a real kisser. He was getting hard for sure.

That's all you got? Oh, man. Let me show you how men push the groom out of the way. He's like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, I don't know how to do it. No, that's the moment. oh dude he's like getting pissed he's like what is he at your wedding they gotta phase out yeah i would have to because i don't know how to no that's the that's the moment because if you kiss for too long then the crowd and i don't want that oh yeah did you get a woo at your wedding no no

well not just a big uproar of cheers and you know you do you do nothing he's not used to every time you kiss somebody's kill happen, he killed at his wedding. Damn. Sass. Kissing on the lips, though, has got to be like... Like when you're at the wedding. Yeah, we know, dude. That's it.

At the wedding? You had it. Yeah, that was it. That's it. Exactly right. Pretty astute observation. Y'all ever notice kissing? People at weddings be like...

It's gotta be uncomfortable though, right? I feel like I would be so nervous. Yeah, dude. I'm so nervous about that. I am so far from marriage and I'm nervous about that now. Like in front of your parents and shit? Yeah. Bro, what are you talking about? Well, I'm sure it's different from you.

You've had a mac list since you were fucking 10 years old. He doesn't get hard. A guy like me gets hard. By the time you get married, presumably you've kissed your girlfriend and fiance in front of your parents. Not like a wedding. No. My parents have never seen me kiss. It's crazy.

You never kissed a girl in front of your parents? Oh, my God. Not my kinfo. No. Hell no. Wait, Francis, that's kind of weird. That's freaky. There was always some kids that would make out with their girlfriend before getting into the back of their parents' car.

That's freaky shit. I wouldn't do – I'm not talking about that. I'm talking as a, whatever, 31-year-old saying goodbye to my girlfriend or fiancé for the weekend or something near my parents or something. Goodbye. Love you. Kiss. Never had a love like that. Zap up. Text me when you get home. You wouldn't Mac on your girl?

You're asking Sass this? Dude, I would never. I would never do that. Would you hold hands in front of your parents? Dude, no. No. No touch. That would make me hold hands in front of your parents? Dude, no. No. No. No touch. That would make me so uncomfortable in front of my parents. Yeah. Sounds like you're married

to your parents still. Not married to your wife. Yeah. You're picking the wrong team there. Damn, dude. I can't believe I never had a Mac list. Did you guys ever have a list? I'm like racking my brain right now so I can make it after this and blog it.

Do you have it? This would have been four or five laptops ago. I don't know. I don't even know if I had a laptop. So you were posting up at the desk. Yeah. Dude, laptop is wild.

Cracking the fingers. All right. I would be adding them to the list as we were making them out. I'd have the computer behind them and I'd be making Mac and then doing it. Let me add you to my list. That's like some fucking Armie Hammer shit with the stamp or the brand. Easy. Easy.

It's not that bad. That's a friend. He watched you kiss at your wedding. I always thought R.B. Hammer got a bad rap. Was he a friend? He's a mentor. Mentor? The hammer. Inspirational.

The ham man. Don't believe what you hear about the ham guy. Ham dog. Hammer! What's up up you fuck bro why you got fucking blood all over your face ribs hammer loves his ribs army dude my buddy hammer this sick son of a bitch ate a girl the other night dude no Any of your boys ever eat a chick? No.

No way. I'm talking like the ultimate freak. This dude is so freaky in bed. Every girl wants to fuck him. Every girl's trying to get eaten to death by him. Left my girl with him for an hour, came back, she was missing a limb. Dude, yeah, he was picking his teeth with her finger.

He was gnawing with her ulna. Oh, man. That was pretty crazy. Yeah. But I also feel like it didn't get enough attention. They made a documentary about it on HBO and it's pretty bad. It's pretty boring. But apparently his

whole family is deviants. Going down the line His grandparents, great grandparents All like crazy bad people But like cannibal? Like probably Don't you think that started from him being great in bed though?

Yeah He's gotta be a great lay Cause then it's probably just you can get us to a certain point Where you're like I don't even know what else to do And the thing is like He probably thought he could do no wrong. Yeah. Because he was so good at fucking. Exactly. He has to be

just an absolute... If the sex is that good, you probably don't hate a little chewing. If you're like, holy shit, this feels so good and then you feel him just nibbling on the elbow a little bit, you can do that. It's my weenus. As long as you don't break the skin. I don't feel anything. But he was breaking skin though.

Well, then he got to a point where he was breaking skin. He was taking his pound of flesh. Wasn't it that he asked them if he could or that he actually did eat them? He DM'd a girl and he was like, I killed a deer the other day and felt its heart beating in my hands i'm a i want to fucking eat you and then he was at one point he was like i'm a full-on cannibal

and then he was like holy it was like the same tone as those adam levine texts i've never told that to anybody before he's beating off as yeah that's like your dick is hard in your hands while you're typing that with one hand told that to anybody before. He's beating off as he's typing. Yeah. That's like your dick is hard in your hands while you're typing that with one hand. I'm a full on I'm a full on And then you come

and you're like, what did I say? Cannibal. What the fuck did I just do? Oh my god. Dude, that clarity has to be insane. Dude, imagine that. Can you delete messages on Instagram? Dude, imagine the post-not clarity when you actually do eat her.

Oh, yeah. And then you bust. Oh. Ah. Oh. I need to brush my teeth. What the fuck did I just do? Looking at the packet of blue shoes next to you. Yeah.

Two was too many. It was so hard. You OD on blue shoes and you turn? Yeah. Two was too many. It was so hard. You owe a young blue shoes and you turn into a cannibal. Have you ever, have you ever, what was the most recent what the fuck did I just do

moment that you had in your life? It's usually if I get pretty fucked up, I wake up the next morning and I'm like, I fucking hate myself. You never had,

you never had, probably at Skankfest. It was probably something at Skankfest. When you had your penis pulled out. Probably when I had my penis pulled out. That wasn't you that did it. No. But you just kind of rolled with the punches. Yeah. Instead of showing any shame. What would you put the odds of that

video surfacing? None. Considering how little people have brought it up. Yeah. Like no one gives a fuck about it uh some people are are still even if it did service i wouldn't be like i'd be like that's annoying but i wouldn't like freak out you get a text from nate are you gonna blog this yeah let's blog this now your dick you must have been having a good dick day if you're not that worried

no i think i just don't care about my dick. But you care about things like people knowing what you eat for lunch or your parents seeing you kiss. Yeah, he's worried about farting on a live stream. Obviously, I would rather be on the live stream than have a video of my penis be on the internet.

Would you rather have dick than stomach? Oh, yeah. That's so weird. 100% would rather have dick than stomach that was my first thought when i saw the video i was like oh my thank god it wasn't my stomach it's just my little tiny yeah you don't want your stomach online no why not i hate it i grab it every single day and i go i try to rip it off yeah Scissors. I need army. I didn't know that about you. I'm sorry to hear that.

It's not a big problem. If you're grabbing it and screaming in the mirror alone, that's an enormous problem. Being a slender man with that issue. I hate me. It's not a big problem. Right now, we're going into the fall, the winter. You don't even think about it. issue. I hate me. It's not a big problem.

Right now, we're going into the fall, the winter. You don't even think about it. You got your two shirts plus your jacket. And you keep on pulling the jacket over. Yeah, exactly. More comfortable than I've been in the last four months. You got to go on another vacation. I know. I got to go to Patagonia or Japan.

That's the only way I'm going to hit gold. Going to Japan to hit gold is insane. And being pissed that you're there. Yeah. If you bought a first class ticket, those first class tickets to Japan are $12,000. For business class, Delta One to Japan, to Kyoto

or Tokyo is $12,000. That's crazy. So just do that. I've already hit the money. We've talked about this. But I think you'd get so many MQMs. It's so crazy. It's just a constant repeat of this. You bring it back up. It's you bringing it up.

Because you lie to me. I don't lie. And then today you finally confess and you're like, well, I spent a lot. I don't think I've told you any other story than that. I said that if you had gotten the credit card earlier in the year and you'd spent more money on it, then you might have...

Yeah, but how's Roan Diamond? Why don't you say that there's something we were talking about? This was another debate that we got into last night. That was a great hang. All-time hang. All-time fucking hang.

Do you guys like each other? All-time hang. All-time hang and we're going to run it back tonight. We're running it back tonight. For what it's worth, we always text each other, are you going to the stand tonight? And when he is, I get much happier.

Because you know it's going to be a good hang. Constitutes an all-time hang. It depends on the crew. Crew. No scrubs. No scrubs. Only killers. I mean, only just murderers.

Who are some of the killers, though, that are in your guys? Only murderers. I don't care how cool you are offstage. If you're not leveling in the room, you're not at the table. How'd you do last night? Terrible. Yeah. Terrible. Terrible.

Terrible. That's the worst crowd I've ever had. Literally the worst crowd I think I've ever performed. Awful. And then I went and I did my show. Dynamite. Dynamite. Hot, hot show.

And then I came back. I did one at the stand was fine did my show fucking lights out no survivors came back back to the stand i was like let's polish off the night with a hot one got off stage and i was like oh my god i was literally on stage like the gm came in and saw what he was while he was bombing. I was like... They all have a group chat. All the GMs and the managers and the GM and then the booker all have a group chat at the end of the night and they confer

good hands. Good hands. Wow. That was a really good catch. That was such a better catch than you guys are aware because he was not... You're over complimenting him. Making him feel...

He never does anything right. That was such a good... That's an expensive camera. That was such a good set. From all people, you. How did you... You're fine. Let's just all be assholes to each other.

I want to hear the GM group chat. They all are on a chat. It wasn't a problem. It was everyone bombed. And at the end of the night, they will say who did well and who didn't. Oh, that's horrible. That's not true. It's definitely true. It's like a make-out list. Dallas told me that. That's true. Stock up. Francis.

All the other people. Do they have an AP poll? I don't know they definitely are aware at the end of the night of who is doing well and who's not stock down little Sasquatch my stock does not go down they wouldn't even let you sit at the table last night I heard

I was running the table last night I heard you were riffing from a table away I heard you were doing a delayed laugh from the table far away the GM probably sent a text to the booker and was like, his onstage not great off show made up for it. Table work was

absurdly good last night. Wait, I got Hank back. What were we asking Hank? Oh, about the 24-hour stream. Hank. Yo, I got your lots of tape. Delta T. I got a little sass here hang on hank talk to me goose how we doing sassy um so kb and nick are explaining to us the uh the 24 hour live stream that you guys are going to have in the new office yeah what is this is this like

a like a like a fish tank type thing? You guys are just going to be on camera 24 hours a day? Yeah, it's a punishment. So it's basically me and Max in solitary confinement. I picture it's going to be like a box with white walls type situation. Oh, so it's not the whole office? No. I thought the upstairs

floor was always going to be live. Nick said he thought the upstairs floor was going to to be live. Nick said he thought the upstairs floor was going to always be live. Oh, and are you talking about the punishment stream or just the general office? The general office. Yeah, there's a content similar to where there's a content area in our office.

It's like security. We'll have cameras rolling and be able to get that footage whenever we want. Oh, but it's not going to be live? No. Oh, I thought it was going to be live. Okay, there we go. That makes more sense. Like office capture. That would be crazy.

Alright, sounds good. Thank you. Alright, see ya. Well, it doesn't sound like the farts are going to be an issue anymore. Unless they want to pull farts from the tape. Pull the tapes. Tell me you got that. Pull the tapes. Tell me you got that.

Pull the fucking tapes. 236. Chief had a juicy one. The argument that we got into last night was that I brought up the Jewel documentary. Richard Jewel? Richard Jewel. Or the folk singer with the snaggle tooth. My hands are

small, I know, but they're not yours. She's Alaskan, though. Yes. She's from Homer, Alaska. Mario Chalmers. Really? Yeah. She was the early act at Woodstock 99 where everyone was like,

actually, this music festival is going to go well. And then it all fell off from there. Does she yodel? My hands are small, I know. Yeah. That's the song i like that documentary got my now we're talking about the jewel documentary pretty much what was going on was francis was saying that

they were putting vitamin e in jewels and people were dying and i was telling you whoa you better you better get that right and i was saying that people put the vitamin e the reason people were dying from it was from those fake weed carts that people were buying and i was saying they were ones that would have like obama on the cover of it and it would be like obama blast they were making fake black market jewel pods but it wasn't jewel pods he says it was only the weed and i said said it was weed, but it was also the fake Juul pods, which were compatible with Juul.

Did you watch the documentary? No, but I lived through it. Exactly. Thank you. And we argued about this before. Because I remember when that shut. And it was just me saying, this is what I've learned. He's wrong. Because I remember when that happened,

when the first person died from the weed war. This is always anecdotal evidence. They sent out a massive email at my school being like, people are dying from vaping now. And then it was like, oh shit, really? And then you looked it up and it was like, oh, because this kid bought a fucking cart from some random stranger in Nebraska or something. And you knew that was THC weed carts? Yes. Okay, but it was also

Juul carts, but not made by Juul. No. God damn you, man. God damn you. Both of them. No, there's just no way. He lived through the whole time period. He was conscious. There's no way.

We're wrong. He's saying, no, not your thing happened. It was just weed. It might have been weed jewel pods. It might have been like... I know they made those for a little bit. It was nicotine. They had non-THC pods

that had the vitamin E acetate in them that would go into a jewel thing and it'd fuck kids up. He's explaining what the rest of the E stands for now. No, I'm not. You said the whole thing. Vitamin E acetate? Yeah, just call it vitamin E.

Okay. My point being, whatever, you're right. What the hell is going on over here? What the hell are you guys doing? We lost them with this. This is you and me. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. No, that was not a Google. That was a text.

Burrowing in. I proved it. I did this to him last night and he still wouldn't acknowledge it. He's out of school. Yeah, third result on Google. Just the weed cards that say Obama.

Those are the only ones that killed me. That was the example that I was using. There was always some weird fucking fatal vapes for the Obama and Duxbury. Dude, that's what it was. Laugh it up. I don't know how you can have such a strong... It's very easy.

It's very easy. When you're not... How? That's just how I operate, dude. It's pretty simple. And then people are like, Sass just talks out of his ass. It's like, yeah, that's exactly what I do,

is talk out of my ass. I don't really think with this podcast I need to be coming in here being like, with the facts. If there's some misinformation... We were on a podcast last night. We were talking off the microphone. And it fucking doesn't need to bring facts to that either. You don't need to bring facts to the table, bro. We're trying to riff. I'm at one of the best

hangs I've been at in months. So is it all-time hang leading up to this conversation? All-time hang, Francis and me get into a bickering match, everyone goes home. That's what ended it. The hang comes to a rapid end. Who else was there? Dude, killers.

Wow. It was Lev. Stone cold killers. Who else was there? Lev. Joe List. Joe List. Gio Perez. Gio Lev. Stone Cold Killers. Who else was there? Lev. Joe List. Joe List. Gio Perez. Gio Perez. Me.

Killer. Well, yeah, that's a given. No need to tell him that. Francis. Oh, what's her? Gabby Bryan. Gabby Bryan. And then, was it Sidney Washington was there for a bit?

Sidney Washington. What? I mean, dude, Murderer's Row. and then uh wasn't was it sydney washington was there for sydney washington i mean dude murderers row and so you were and you were you said you were running the table i'm always running the table i sit down i try my guys i'm like oh my guys let me sit down by myself and then a crowd gathers around me like jesus like spread some wisdom yeah yeah they talk to me they go talk to them do you regale people with stories or just no i don't i sit down let their facts i sit there by myself and i chime in every like 30 minutes that's not true and i go this is fucking i would argue you did leave that

well that was because it was i mean it was all of our friends but typically when it's all those big guys now i don't talk at all sit my ass ass down and listen. Hope you can learn something. For once. Be a sponge. For once as a white cis male, it's time for me to sit my ass down and fucking listen. It was fun though. I was happy to be back at the stand. I've been there like a month.

Alright, good show. Yeah. We're going to end it there. Having a fucking good time. I thought this was like an all-time hang. This was a good hang. This is like up there with last night wait for real are we all killers this is fucking yeah yeah for real

I guess yeah but like barstool killers we're barstool killers we should make a fucking that should be the name of this podcast barstool killers that's a good. Barstool Killers. The Barstool Killers. That's a good idea.

What's our initiation if we want to have somebody on as a killer? Show us that you kill. Show us that you kill. Beat them up for 30 seconds. Fight back. All five of us. Show us that you know how to fucking kill.

Get named serials until we beat the fuck out of you. Have you ever seen them have to do that during gang initiations? That was a thing growing up. Name 10 cereals. Name 10 cereals and then they just like medicine. Yeah. I feel like if I knew that were coming, I would memorize. But then they could switch it up.

They'd be like, name 10 Jewish baseball players. Ooh. That's tough. Kouf's check. Koufax. Sandy Koufax. Sean Green. Paul Goldschmidt. Fiedler. Jay Fiedler. That's a football. Fiedler on the roof. Oh, he's a footballer. Yeah, see that.

You're just getting beat up for a long time. When you're punched in the bicep, it hurts. Your mind goes haywire. You can't think of a series. You can't think of Cap'n Crunch. You always forget Cap'n Crunch. You forget the non-colorfuls. There would always be a kid in high school who you'd see would always just be getting handsy. That always pissed me off. You'd just be walking down the

hallway and he'd just punch you in the bicep. Or look down into that. What the fuck, dude? There are closeted kids. There was a closeted kid at my school who always used to make us run offensive line drills on him. Really? He'd be like, see if you can get past me. Run the play clock. And you'd have to line up in a three-point stance and try and get swim moves.

Then it turned out later that in college, he was cheating on his girlfriend with a guy. That's Travis Kelsey, honestly. Travis Kelsey, yeah. Have you guys heard about this? No. What? A kid that went to my high school that's like a different football player was a D2 coach.

He used to fuck Travis Kelsey. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Come on, he's all we have. Travis? Our Travis? Certainly not. Travis? R. Travis? Certainly not R. Travis.

R. Travis. Really? And he would fuck the fucking lights out of that guy. Travis was fucking. No. Travis was catching, brother. How do you think he's got such good hands? Travis was throwing laterals here and there but

he was catching mostly i don't believe that yeah no he's a tight end for sure uh not after that oh man zing i'm racking my brain for football references fuck did you guys get my lateral joke because he's always throwing those laterals and his coach said that you're not allowed to do that anymore yeah but what would a lateral be sexually yeah reach back and you could have got away with it yeah you shouldn't have brought it back i thought it was a good joke maybe he turns around and starts fucking the dude for a second that would be a reverse that'd be a reverse yeah or like in gay sex you're typically you're throwing and catching yeah right he's catching typically,

but sometimes he's throwing a lateral. Of all things, don't explain gay. Come on. Nobody knows gay sex like my boy, Nick. My reputation precedes me. I'm the straightest expert in gay sex.

The foremost expert. My boy, Nick. I mean, talk about straight as they come educated but he he knows his gay sex dude what's your gay sex iq you take an online quiz i took an online quiz i got a 2300 in my gay sex sat i'm not like uh like school smart or street smart i'm gay sex

smart i'm gay sex smart. I know everything. You know all the terminology. I remember when I found out. I could embarrass you right now if I wanted to. Oh, easily. Like Matt Damon in Google Planting. You're just reciting. So what's a mother superior? You said you know what a mother superior is.

Do you know how the difference between a viral and a non-viral load? Next year you're going to be telling me next year you're going to be telling me that reverse cowboy is your favorite position and then you go on from there and say that the rusty rum bone you're going to tell me about mask and fem verse yeah I read that too playgirl

1980 who yeah you know how you know how Beethoven could always just Beethoven said he could always just play? That's how it was with gay sex. It just made sense. It just made sense.

What do you see when you see a piano? It's a box and a bunch of keys, right? You've seen photos of gay sex, but have you ever smelled a man's dick after fucking i see an asshole i could just play you know how easy this shit is for me you know how much of a fucking joke this shit is for me i come in here every fucking day and i watch you fumble around with these pictures of guys fucking each other he's a good boy he's a smart boy i'm not gonna let him do to you what you did to me a lot of that stuff goes way back between me and him. Every day

I hope to come to your house to fuck your ass and your daughter. If 20 years from now I come here and you're still watching guys fuck each other, I'll kill you myself. That's how it was always going to be. I thought me you know, we'd have houses across from each other. We'd fuck each other in the ass. We'd take our kids to the Little League games. I thought that's how it was always going to be. I thought me...

You know, we'd have houses of crops from each other. We'd fuck each other in the ass. We'd take our kids to the Little League games. They'd fuck each other in the ass. I want to be an ass fucker. There's honor in that. It's my profession. Alright, should we end on that? Dude, I can solve the most complex gay positions.

You catch me on a runaway. Why would you do it and walk away? The most prestigious gay institution. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you guys for listening. That was a fun time. Yeah. All right. See you guys Monday.

Adios.