Son of a Boy Dad - College Roommates | Son of a Boy Dad #174

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

College Roommates | Son of a Boy Dad #174 -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. How fucked are we now? I'm Guadalcanal. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right. Welcome back to this Son of a Boy Dad podcast.

Today it is February 14th. It is Valentine's Day. I just got off of the plane from Milwaukee and the first thing I saw when I got out of the cab was a homeless guy walking down the street with a carton, like slice in half carton of eggs with six eggs sitting in it. And he's just like screaming into the ether at nobody,

nobody gonna respect you with eggs, right? I guess he makes a good point. I guess he was gonna know, but I was respecting him. Yeah. And he had, like, six, like, unhatched eggs. I don't want to bother him. He seemed focused on the task. Yeah, also, it probably would have fucking thrown off

his entire game plan. If he went up to him and was like, I respect you with eggs. That completely ruins the narrative. If he wants respect, why is he holding the eggs if he believes that? I think he's like preaching. There's a much deeper meaning there that you're not seeing. It was threatening a little bit. It was like.

Nobody's going to respect you with eggs. Right. Where do you even get the idea to do that or say that and it was like hard drugs i don't know he seemed lucid enough that he was like right like yeah he wanted everybody's agreement yeah but it was like uh like 12 pack cut in half with the top cut off and just six perfectly untouched eggs so it's like he was gentle enough to carry the eggs without shattering the eggs yeah it's like when they when you give like a dog an egg yeah their maternal instincts kick in yeah so he was senile and off drugs with the most abrasive voice ever

but he had some some gentle maternal instincts in him yeah warm and charming yeah how was uh how was the flight back from milwaukee long no but uh longer than the drive from philly not really about the same two hours but you gotta go through tsa on the way back what do you mean you gotta get there an hour early you gotta go through not in milwaukee you don't milwaukee you get there when your shit's boarding milwaukee has no lines mil Milwaukee's just honor system honor code 11 you're just kind of ushered to your gate ocular pat-down bring your gun whatever yeah, you're 21, right? Hey, can you watch my kid? Did you take my daughter into the women's?

I'm a man. In Milwaukee, you're fully allowed to let people look after your luggage. Oh, yeah. At other airports, that is extremely frowned upon. It does puzzle me that it's such a thing that you're not supposed to let people look after your luggage. If you go into the Delta Lounge or any of those lounges, drop that you can leave your bags yeah with a fucking ticking alarm clock inside and people will be like well he's in the lounge well he has an amex platform clearly he does not they're not just handing those out to anybody you can leave a stack of gold bars yeah or just like a thousand gold coins and no one would take one of them yeah that's the most uh ethical

place on earth i think the delta lounge i guess but if i were gonna blow up a plane i would definitely hit the lounge first oh 100 that would be like the appetizer yeah you that's not enough for the credit card like why not yeah if my last meal for is – I want it to be the fucking buffet at the Delta Lounge, not some Sbarro or something in the food court. Yeah. Really? I feel like the restaurants at the airport, there's got to be a restaurant that has significantly better food than the lounge. It's just that it's expensive as fuck. At JMK, they have a palm, I think.

Yeah. But that palm is bad. I've been to that palm. It's a bad palm? Yeah. Bad palm. Ah, shit. Bad palm. Fuck, that fucking sucks. I know. That's so disappointing. A fucking bad palm? There's a good

a, um, there's a good the burger place. Shake Shack? Shake Shack at LaGuardia. I had Shake Shack last night. Diarrhea like never before. Like never before. Dude, I found it out. I can't eat fried food.

I can't eat fried food and especially fried chicken. Really? That's my kryptonite. That's all they serve at comedy clubs. Yes. That is my kryptonite by a lot. When did you find that out? How did you find that out?

So I used to get Chick-fil-A all the time. Like right towards the end, right before people were moving to Chicago, I was eating Chick-fil-A. Like I would see Brandon get it and then I would get it because I was like, oh, Chick-fil-A is great. Good marketing. And then randomly I started getting like insanely bad stomach aches from Chick-fil-A sandwiches. And then the first one that happened was I was in Vegas and i was at whatever the fucking hotel is called and they had a chick-fil-a and it was open till two in the morning so like late at night i would go and get chick-fil-a and there i got the worst stomach ache ever and everyone was like oh the chick-fil-a here

is bad i've got a stomach ache too and i was like i can't i can't imagine that your guy's stomach ache is as bad as mine is right now and they're all coming off the same uh they're all on hard drugs factory floor of uh of chick-fil-a's too though like all the chicken breasts are coming from it's not like those are the bad ones yeah exactly and uh so then i was like all right i'm gonna take a little break from chick-fil-a and then i got it again same thing lightning strikes twice explosive diarrhea and then i and then i waited longer and then i got it again and then the last time I got it I was like alright I guess no more you ran this test four times?

yeah because I ate it so many times and I was like how come I never got a stomachache then and now all of a sudden I'm getting these crazy stomachaches and then I was like alright guess I'm done with Chick-fil-A I haven't had Chick-fil-A in months and then yesterday I was like I really want a chicken sandwich really bad so I got Shake Shack

let's try it again so I got Shake Shack surely you're mutated by now Tell me you got Chick-fil-A again. The definition of insanity. Let's try it again. No, so I got Shake Shack. Surely I'm mutated by now. And they didn't bring me the sandwich. They brought me chicken bites. And, dude, while I was eating them, my stomach just started churning. And then I sat on the toilet for an hour.

It sounds like your microbiome is... I shit consistently for one hour straight. Do you know what the cure for this is? Stop eating chicken. Well, that, but also you could try fecal transplant therapy. Someone needs to shit in your ass. It's not a bad idea. I might have to give that a go. You could do it that way or you can go down the...

You think you're going to have Chick-fil-A pay for that? As an investment? I'll come back to eating your Chick-fil-A. I will eat your shitty sandwiches. If one of your very kind employees shits in my ass. My pleasure. I need the defecate of a Chick-fil-A virgin.

One who has yet to try the chicken. I figured it out, which I'm happy about. I'm happy that I figured that out. You're just going to not have fried chicken anywhere? I just can't. I can't. I actually think that's pretty good. Yeah.

I think that's probably pretty good for you. You're going to have to have just like a baked unseasoned chicken breast from now on? Or just all chicken? No, I could have seasoned chicken. It just has to be grilled and not covered in oil and fried. You know what's underrated? The genre of chicken is blackened. Yeah.

Any meat blackened. Black meat blackened blackened fish blackened chicken what the fuck is that what are they doing with that black how do they blacken chicken spices that's what it is yeah it's it sounds like it's like cooked faster harder but no i think it's the the spice rub they use i know that like blackened grouper is really good from florida yes and blackened yeah fish that's now he yeah yeah i've heard that as well yeah it's blackened and you see none of us made a race joke no i was waiting no need to no need to sometimes it's best to stay away yeah it's just good fish i'm talking about something as serious as blackened fish

i remember when i first came to new york i wasn't like uh and started working at bar so i wasn't really like eating lunch like that but then there's like lunch culture you're in an office like people everybody's getting lunch it's like a big part of the day and i'll try to get shake shack lunch and it just did such violent things to me right away yeah it made me feel so sleepy and bad for the rest of my day i don't know how people are currently doing it. And I don't know how in like the Mad Men era, they would go out and have like a seven course lunch with a half a tumbler of whiskey. What's the afternoon have in store? Dude, it's truly a day ruiner. Lunch.

Like my whole day was ruined. Do you know what it was? I would guess that the cigarettes were helping keep them awake. How much they smoked back then. Maybe it hurt their appetite or something like that? Don't cigarettes help you stay awake? Isn't there the nicotine kind of upper? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't believe so. Stimulant? It could be. But I mean, I use nicotine. I don't feel that it makes me stay awake. It does. There you go.

Interesting. Proven. Yeah. feel that it makes me stay awake it does there you go interesting proven oh yeah here's a challenge that i had as an idea in the vein of the jerry after dark hole-in-one let's say that on a day where they've got the fresh shipment from sam's club or costco or whatever they do of all the snacks in the snack closet and you go in there and you lock the door and you put your phone on the rack and you live stream and say i cannot leave this snack closet until i've eaten every single thing in here how long do you think that would take every single thing like every single option every like not the bags of tea obviously but every caloric all the pirates booty the

nutrigrain bars clean the bit clean it out clean it every you have to you can't leave until you've eaten every single thing in there i think a month really not a month maybe a week i would say three days three days didn't jerry try to do it jerry after dark where it was like 60 000 calories or something or how many calories was it 60 10 only 10 10 is like a one box of that shit it's more than three days for sure you think yeah absolutely it's and this is solo yeah alone well i thought we were thinking us three and we have one ratatouille on top of the three of us i started thinking about this challenge alone and it was it was giving me anxiety because i was like i know

that would be good content but i also would hate it so fucking much there has to be good content that you can make that's not personally torturous yeah but it's proving on and on that there isn't because everything that is succeeding right now is torturous jerry after dark where he paper cuts his penis until he castrates himself and they're like tiger woods would be tweeting about it yeah potus is like just like we drew it up today i'm gonna fully circumcise myself with a toothbrush grinding down your penis with the toothbrush no oh my god would that even could you could you even chip away at that i watched a like a zoom or a sped up live stream of a guy eating like a two gallon container of water with

chopsticks like one water droplet at a time oh yeah i saw that it was pretty interesting but it begs the question could you chop off your penis with a toothbrush it does i would i watched that video and i said this is making me ask much different questions. Yeah, it begs the question. I think everybody had that on their mind. I think the top upvoted comment must have been like, yes, yes, but can we brush our penis off with an oral B? Let's raise the stakes a little. And would an electric toothbrush make it happen more quickly or less quickly?

I think less quickly. Less quickly. I think you would come. One can't help but wonder. One cannot help but wonder if it wouldn't be smarter to try to file the handle into a shiv and then cut the hood of your penis rather than to continually brush with the bristles. What's more painful?

The tip. I'm thinking the base. Oh, you're thinking about just straight up removing your penis. Removing it like a lumberjack taking down a redwood. Well, you could definitely do that. To do to your penis what hockey fighters do with their jerseys where they take it over the head of the opponent to then pummel them. No, I'm talking about-

No, he's talking about just straight up chopping his dick off. Chopping my dick off by at the base of it using a toothbrush at the base of my penis to chop through it. To follow through. I didn't know. I thought that that's where we of my penis to chop through it. To file through. I didn't know. I thought that that's where we all were. Yes, I think you could do that. I think you could do that with most things. It just would hurt a lot, and you'd probably need to use more pressure using some items than others.

You'd want to pull it as far out as you could to make the base as thin as possible. You know, with all of the contraptions that were used during the vietnamese war it's surprising that they never thought of this that the vietnamese never thought of toothbrushing someone's penis off i'm sure they did i'm sure they just didn't feel like not a country known for its oral hygiene i don't want to put telltales out of school but yeah no that's sad and true about the Vietnamese. But you would have thought that with all, like... Have you ever seen, like, the museums that they have of, like, the shit you would step into

and, like, two spikes go through your calf or something like that? They would use elephant shit and they would stuff it in bamboo with... They would pick, like, a mud ball and they would stick shards of bamboo out and then they would put elephant shit in the shards because then it would, like... It would come flying down and it would penetrate you and then it would the elephant shit's poisonous

so it would kill you right and they never thought to use a sonic air to remove a pow's penis no it was actually uh i heard that these torture devices were the precursor to the jigsaw character from saw really the franchise which by the way, I've been watching highlights of the Saw franchise. Yeah, yeah. I don't know why. I never saw that. SportsCenter top ten. I haven't seen after Saw two or three.

Saw, most gruesome deaths. Just into the remote. The greatest puzzles. And some of them are great. I mean, they really are. They're so fun. It's creative. What are some of them i don't i i've

only watched saw one i watched one from saw six yesterday where a guy i guess he's got i don't know because i don't know the plot but i guess he has some kind of uh i bet we can fill you one on the plot algorithm for way the why certain people deserve care or to live or something so that he gets captured and placed in this thing where it's he's pitted against the janitor of his building who's a smoker even though he has high blood pressure and if you breathe in these clamps converge on your rib cage and it's between the two of them whoever can hold their breath basically or breathe the least uh survives while the other person's internal organs get crushed holy fuck and he tells him he's trying to help him he goes don't breathe hold your breath and the guy's too fat and smoking so he can't and

it just keeps coming in i would like slide a birthday cake over to the dude. I would try to make him laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Why are you trying to, I mean, that's an obvious W for you. You're going against the fat smoker? Fat smoker. Sounds like a truth social fucking anti-smoking ad. It does.

Truth social needs smokers. Yeah. If everybody stops smoking. Wasn't there some big thing? Something came out that it was like they're backed by Big Tobacco? If everyone stopped smoking, Truth Social would go out of business. Yeah. Like their big corporation would cease to exist because they would have beaten the problem. Yeah.

There was some whole weird thing that came out that it was like they're A, they're backed by Big Tobacco and they try and make the ads like as knowing as annoying as Possible and like bad as possible. It's like people will start smoking out of spite. Yeah, wasn't the major anti-smoking advocacy group called truth though Yeah, that's what we're talking about right now, but truth social is the oh, that's the social I don't know if it's actually called truth Trump's Twitter But the thing we're talking about is called good call, that's the social. I don't know if it's actually called Truth Social. Oh, Truth. Is that the... Trump's Twitter thing. Oh, Trump's Twitter.

Ah, yes, yes. But the thing we're talking about is called Truth. Good call. That's a good spot. It's like the orange font. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We would have gotten lampooned by the Truth fellas. I see. I haven't been on Truth Social in a fucking... Dude, I'm getting lampooned right now for talking about guns last episode. And we talked about guns for maybe 25 seconds. What did you say? I got people texting me being like, it's Smith and Wesson. Fucking mor 25 seconds what did you say i got people texting me being like it's smith and weston fucking what did you say weston yeah like a hotel i guess i guess there was i guess there was a there was a little bit of a tea in there smith and weston is

one of those few non-jewish lawyer groups down in texas and they. Have you been injured? People are furious. John Deere roll over your leg? Guns is one of the few things that if you talk about, you cannot get anything wrong. No, you can't. Even if you fully admit, like, I'm not a big gun guy. I've shot guns twice ever. But somehow they still expect you to get everything right. Yeah, you know what? Listen, I'll say it.

Hey, gun guys, I want to be a gun guy. Yeah. All right? You guys need to be a little more welcoming. Open your hearts a little bit. Teach us so that we can, you know, get excited too. You want to be a gun guy? I love guns.

Really? What kinds? Do you mind? It's going to go on for a while. Wow, is everything all right, buddy? Is that the Chick-fil-A? No, that's just, I don't even know what it's caused by. Allergies?

Or maybe it's this dusty-ass room that we smoke cigars in? No, I don't think so. It's random. It's very random. I've been getting some random sneezes, too. Maybe it's going around. So you want to get into the gun game? A little bit.

I think collecting them would be cool. Like what kinds, though? Like the ones we, oh, you weren't there. It was me and Mook. Rifles. Duck hunting rifles. So not like an AR? No, probably not. I think that's...

I just don't expect to have to need one of those. Good luck becoming a gun guy, brother. You start with an AR? At least one. You want at least three. you want three of those in your house at all times if you're gonna be a gun guy you can't be you can't be talking shit on the ar i'm not talking any shit i have all the respect in the world for the ar i just think that me personally i want to

have a gun that i can wear a tweed overcoat and one of those newsboy caps with where it wouldn't look weird. Like the gun matches the cap and the tweed coat and the waistcoat. Yes. And I can pull a gold watch chain out of my pocket. Like Boardwalk Empire. Oh, it's 1426. The sun will be at high noon soon. That's when the fucking.

So you want a gun that you have to carry around like a little sack of gunpowder with? No, I don't want... Like empty the gunpowder? No, I don't want that. Like a marble tool. You want a timing gun. I want a gun where the bronze siding along the handle

has etchings of different duck scenes in it oh so you just want duck do you want to kill ducks i want artwork in my gun i want a an antique classy thing where i can cock it and it's hold it over my shoulder and then hold the the feet of a few mallards in my other hand but nothing you just want like a labr Retriever at my feet. So you want something like bespoke and like aesthetic. Not something that's... You don't want to be a killing machine.

No. You want something that goes in like a glass case after you're done using it. With wood. Rich wood mahogany paneling. Yes, yes, yes. I see. That would go with your aesthetic right now. And I want whiskey in a decanter, a crystal decanter, where nobody even knows what type of whiskey it is.

It could be trash whiskey. It could very well be, but it won't be. Of course not. It'll be the finest whiskey. I want to oil my guns. Is that what people do? I want to oil them. I want to break them down.

Tell me, Seth. I don't know. Use that same toothbrush that I used to file off my penis. I want to use that to clean the bolts and pieces and then reassemble it. I want to know that same toothbrush that I used to file off my penis. I want to use that to clean the bolts and pieces and then reassemble it. I want to know how to do it. I think this is doable, but just not in New York. What about upstate New York?

Probably can, yeah, for sure can. So it's just the city proper of New York that you can have a gun? No, there's still really strict gun laws in upstate New York. I texted Sass, I said, do you want to do some shooting this weekend? And he didn't respond.

I thought it was late at night. You stay up till 3 in the morning? Not last night, 1130. What's your answer? Do you want to do some shooting? Sure. But if it gets in the way of our fishing, then no. No, we're going to do the fishing.

We're going to do the fishing. That's going to be great. But I fished a long time. Did you want the guide to come or no? I told the guide on the phone. He's already giving me mixed opinions. I told the guide that my buddy wouldn't want him to come because my buddy fancies himself a guide of sorts. And he said that his ego, I said his ego would be hurt if i brought an expert like you along so that he

couldn't teach me extremely true i just didn't like what he said about uh he said we could find browns in in high waters that have risen bro he knows where those high water holes are i don't know about that i don't know if you know where the brown holes are that do you know where the brown holes are. I don't know about that. I don't know if you know where the brown holes are. I don't know about that. Do you know where the brown holes are? Yeah. I'm going to go fishing tomorrow and I'll report back. I'm going to go up to Connecticut and do a little,

run a little test. Are you actually? No. We're going to do the Housatonic River. So work tomorrow, bro. Fucking New York office wants to fish on Thursdays.

Fuck do you think this is, bro? You're not going up to the Housatonic. Dude, did you see that? The Yak had that dude just, like, come in abruptly. Who's that? I saw that, or I saw that in the group chat that, uh... Yeah. Crazy. They were super excited about it. Yeah.

Who? Apparently some dude, they had some dude on the Yak a while ago who, like, the Yak fans, like like ruined his entire life. And then he like said he was going to kill himself or some shit. And then he just like walked into the Yak studio today with like a pizza and just sat down. Did they invite him? No.

And then they were like, what's up, dude? How's it going? Huh. Meanwhile, texting like every security guard within the 10 mile radius being like we need backup now did somebody order a pizza? yeah perfect I mean it was 5 pizza boxes

I heard which is I mean you could have like 3 ARs in there that whole big sausage pizza porn idea the part of those that I couldn't get past was that the girl would blow the guy with his dick through the pizza

and I always worried she was going to get pizza grease all over her face which would cause an acne outbreak. I always worried about the cardboard slicing your dick. Or how did they cut the hole in the pizza box because you need to be so specific. How do you get... Cutting a pizza box is not as need to be so specific like how do you get cutting a

pizza box is not as easy as it looks and the sound of cardboard being sliced sends a shiver up my spine it makes my hair my hair stand also a pizza box is only probably what two inches thick so when you're walking is like half of your penis outside of the box it's it's like bumping back yeah like you're walking into the you're walking over to the person's door and like most of your penis outside of the box. It's like bumping back and forth. Like you're walking over to the person's door and like most of your penis is outside of the box. You know that pizza boxes are corrugated cardboard though. Like there's like three layers to insulate everything. I listen to a podcast on pizza boxes if you want to know how boring my life is.

Also, you're flaccid when you're walking to the house i assume you have to stay hard like jersey jerry when he smells i would not assume that and when you first put it in there the pizza's hot so your droopy pizza penis is drooping over the hot cheese maybe you get a calzone so it feels like a vagina oh oh that would make sense i would fuck a calzone of course that's i think how it was designed but i always assumed there was no pizza in the box so that that was the big surprise no there's always a pizza in the box it's half stromboli so you're you're banking on the person to eat the pizza in front of you because what if they just what if they just pick up the box and they're like

thanks for showing me the pizza and then your penis just falls out of the box as they take it away. You need to be like, do you want to check and make sure? It's like when you're buying a new pair of shoes and they check to see if both shoes are in the box. But also, assuming your dick is in the dead center of the pizza, them having one slice of pizza is only going to reveal like one eighth of your penis. They just took the pizza and didn't even if it's a large pie they're going to take away a slice of pizza and your penis will be completely on the other side like that might not even get revealed and then you go no all right

take another one now don't you want some more yeah like i have my whole family's in there waiting to eat this pizza i can't eat there's some major flaws in the script there. But it has to have happened once. Like, it has to be based on reality. Oh, yeah. I'm sure there's been, like, some dude who's been delivering pizza. I mean, the dude that I used to work with who delivered pizza was on Vicodin every day. So I'm sure he had the thought here and there.

Be like, fuck this shit. I'm putting my fucking cock in this pizza. No, but his Vicodin penis was probably fucking not even a full pepperoni. I'm going to cut a fucking hole in this shit and put my fucking dick in this pizza no but his vicodin penis was probably fucking not even a full pepperoni i'm gonna cut a fucking hole in this shit and put my fucking dick in it and then he gets to the door and says dude he's like fuck well you gotta suck my dick you already put the hole in the box don't worry about the hole at the bottom that was there already it's for a new ventilation system we're trying that way prevents the bubble have you uh have you seen that in hotels now they're like locking the shampoo yes conditioner and everything not just not just to the wall but

like sealed shut yeah so people can't like put their can't dip their cock and balls in it is that right i always assumed it was so that they could didn't have to give those tiny ass bottles and people wouldn't steal them. But that is a good theory. I've heard that people don't like – People are dumping their dick into the – No, I've heard that people don't like – I didn't even think of this independently. I think it was from a woman I heard.

Like, oh, I don't like using the – Oh, because people cum in that. Yeah, people will be cumming in the conditioner and in the shampoo or whatever and so now they're making cum proof uh shampoo and conditioner you think that's gonna stop me i'll find a way to get my cum up the tube up the spout yeah what are you doing get out of here it's ridiculous look if i want my cum somewhere i'm gonna find a way to get it there yeah you like you reverse siphoning gas like putting it in a fucking straw and blow darting it into the fucking tip of it bro that

honestly sounds like something that you would do for sure bro don't fucking put smud on my name well that's like your that's like your whole thing like you're like coming in stuff yeah you're like a big prank sky i could absolutely see you coming in a shampoo bottle just for like yourself and then just like laughing to yourself as you leave a prank with no payoff so some like 55 year old fucking uh bald guy uses it on his like pube shampoo like that's not me he does like to to see the prank i want to i want to pay off and i've also had to stop pranking because everybody's such pussies about pranks anymore. Because your pranks were getting a little out of hand.

Yeah. Throwing cacti at people. I did that one time. You threw a cactus at someone? At KB, my first day at the office. I lobbed it to him. I was like, KB, and I threw him a cactus. It doesn't really matter the speed in which you throw it.

Why? It 100% does. You threw it at him overhand hard. I threw it to him. That's a little more malicious. I threw it to him. And he to him that's a little more malicious and he caught it and it and it and it pierced his hand one of my early one of my early tiktok videos was no he almost died no he didn't bleed at all i don't think he caught i think he got out of the

hospital one of my early tiktok videos was throwing pairs of scissors to people though yeah i remember that and that was good fun because half of the people caught it have you seen that video of the guy who gets pissed off in the dorm room and throws the scissors at his roommate and it sticks into his leg and he goes great now i'm gonna have to go to the fucking hospital he goes are you fucking serious it's just in his leg he's not even taking it out that is like that makes sense because like so the the the college roommate rage that you'd get yeah that is something like if someone stabbed me i probably my first reaction wouldn't even be to like feel pain i'd be like look what you did again you fucking dick now clean

your fucking ramen yeah or did you have you ever seen the guy who's in his dorm room and uh like his his like roommate walks in while he's doing some kind of presentation and he starts like scream freaking out he's fucking rich man I had some weird conversations with my college roommate oh yeah and then you had him on your podcast yep so you still keep in contact with him

no not really I hadn't seen him in many years and then he was on the bachelor in paradise oh yeah I forgot about that so he's a stud yeah he is i mean that's a vastly different experience than i black as well a black stud matters but no yeah what is it matt james how did you know but i know him i've met him really yeah he's cool he's a great guy, too. My guy's name is Romeo. God damn, that's on the nose. Yeah.

I know, that is. It's like the most romantic name you could have. And he's on a black stud who was on The Bachelor. What did you guys talk about? His experiences. Oh, wow. And then he told a story about how he caught me jerking off one time. Oh, andis did not like

that no i didn't because he was lying yeah well it is the fantasy he said that he was lying in the in our bunk bed he was on below me and that above me him i was jerking off which i would never have done i was like i would believe this story if you had told me you had walked in on me jerking off i would say oh yeah oh, yeah, I bet that happened. You never jerked off while your roommate was in the room? No, dude. With the fucking metal thing shaking? No way.

I did. My roommate did as well. It was just we never spoke about it. You just looked at each other. We never confronted each other on podcasts about it. But nor did you break eye contact. You were staring dead at each other's eyes. My roommate would do some freaky

shit i was like just a normal i jerked off the normal way he would be like mounting objects in the room around the you turn on the lights it's a harlem shake video hey man here's your mini pumpkin it fell out of your covers why is this stuffed dude my my roommate was uh a medieval uh stable boy a squire boy uh who like was only like he like transported through time to uh be my roommate and then like as soon as college was over he went back in time that's crazy it was fucking nuts that's very interesting i'd like to hear uh the the true version of what you're getting at that's the that's the real version no i believe him no there's something here but i need to know what it is he was like a squire boy like he was uh

it was like christopher or something like that but he was like a squire boy it was unmistakable like if you saw him he wore like a burlap sack and had like a haircut like a monk did he cosplay as a medieval no boy no cosplay i don't think was even invented yet when he where he's from did he work at medieval times and the time period he's from didn't have like medieval times or really restaurants it was just the times yeah it was just like barely they just had gruel that they would eat out of like stone divots it was nuts he was he was all right i never caught him jerking off but i would try yeah of course had jerking off in his time did you would you just well how would you try would you just like slam the door open no i would leave to go out for the night and then i burst back in like four minutes later damn but imagine if he was just like so rushed to jerk off that he like immediately as i left like pulled up

his tunic and was like starting to beat up yeah like he would at least give it at least 15 minutes or something like that you would hope yeah he'd check his sundial or whatever and get the time right. I don't actually know. I disagree. I think most times in college, yeah. Oh, to maximize the amount of times that you could jerk off. No, because you're sitting in your bed just looking at your phone, and then as soon as he leaves, just, all right, time to jerk off now.

Like once the door closes, I'm already jerking off. Yeah. You were already jerking off underneath your fucking potato sack with as soon as the door closes you're fucking actually going to town finishing off dude i remember going to college i remember being so pumped about how comfortable my bed was because i slept in a bunk bed until i was 18 and the mattress was like a fucking rock and then i remember i moved i went to college and i got like a mattress pad and i was like a fucking rock. And then I remember I went to college and I got like a mattress pad.

And I was like, this is crazy how nice this bed. Like everyone else was like, man, I miss my bed at home. And I was like, dude, this is so much better than my bed at home. And then I would go home and I would sleep and I'd wake up sore. Your parents could have got you a mattress pad. They're like 14 cents.

No, they're actually surprisingly expensive. Really? Like a hundred bucks. You can get cheap ones. You can get them cheaper. Yeah, but you don't want to, you want to splurge you a mattress pad. They're like 14 cents. No, they're actually surprisingly expensive. Really? Like 100 bucks. You can get cheap ones. You can get them cheaper. Yeah, but you don't want to splurge on the mattress pad. I remember everyone saying that, too. No, splooge on the mattress pad.

Ron's roommate slept on a straw tip. He did, dude. It was incredible. I never saw anything like it. It was so weird because everybody else on the floor had like normal, regular roommates. Dude. Then this kid. I don't know anyone that had.

My beau's roommate in college was a Nazi. Like a full on Nazi. Like from the 1930s? Yeah. That's so beau. Like a traditional Nazi. Like he had like high black boots. Yeah.

I don't know anyone. No one I know. Traditional. Not Neo. Like Andrew Schultz haircut. Dude any no one i know yeah traditional not neo like andrew shultz haircut dude no one i know had normal values in college really and the funniest part was that people would like put in efforts to get a roommate they'd like do those like i don't know if they did it when you guys went to college 40 years ago but when i went it was like

at least i could see it through people would do like surveys and you you would do these like google forum surveys and they would match you with someone or you would do you would go on to the facebook group and you'd like meet someone through facebook you know it's fucking wild and then you'd go through all that effort and you would still end up hating the dude that you lived with because the people who pair people up are spending all their time putting two hot girls with each other oh yeah they're like who's the hottest two girls we can find we're gonna put them in the same room with one another especially if you're the ra you're like the ra does that or is it like probably i thought it was like uh i don't know i thought it was like a if you're an ra you're probably picking all of

the hottest girls be like that's who I'm going to take care of. I wrote air ball. I'm going to bust them drinking. I wrote on my about me personal thing that I wrote a paragraph or whatever. And then I said at the end, I said I volunteered that I was completely comfortable with homosexuality. That's brave. I got three roommates. Two of them were gay yeah

obviously and then the problem for everyone else was like by the way i don't fuck with the gay shit no they just they just didn't even say it but the fact that i said it made them say we need to give him some yeah and then of course we're gonna coax him out of the closet yeah with a little bait we had two rooms two bedrooms and then a common room and unfortunately the two gay guys said we want to live together so they just really immediately siloed themselves into a bedroom and then i was left with romeo i always wondered that though why how come the gay kids are allowed to sleep together in college but you're not allowed to room with like a girl right like

aren't they're probably just fucking no no night i don't think they were they're just no they're just probably sucking they weren't each other's type yeah it's just like it's a safe place to suck it's not like they're actually fucking they're probably going out at night to find their own boyfriends and stuff like that but when they strike out instead of jerking off making eye contact like you were they just would suck each other yeah true i guess i yeah i guess i was jerking off with my roommate anyway so and we weren't attracted to each other like yeah let's put these two gay kids together oh man that's good shit i'm not because you're fucking gay dude no but i guess i did know a lot of gay kids at college well i did live on the gay floor that's why did you yeah you know how like it goes by like

the girl floor the boy floor the gay floor like a turkey club i lived on the gay floor yeah and we were fucking all the time oh my god why did they put the gays all the way in the top because they knew that they were the ones in the best shape to handle the stairs probably it was the top and the bottom that's where they would put them yeah because the sex that they have no but i knew a bunch of gay kids who lived together in college and they didn't fuck which i guess how do you know how do you know i don't know they never told me why would they you know who lived in my room You know who lived in my room? Your roommate?

Like many years earlier? Yeah. Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore. No. That was your room? They were roommates. They're like the most famous Harvard, or they're the most famous college roommates, period. Full stop. They lived in my dorm room.

No. Yep. That's interesting. And they were fucking. They must have been. Probably. Probably. That's a lot of talent.

Tommy Lee Jones. What a legend. What a stud. I feel like he presents as older than Al Gore. Probably. Probably. That's a lot of talent. Tommy Lee Jones, what a legend, what a stud. I feel like he presents as older than Al Gore. He certainly does. But that's crazy that he went to Harvard even. Diego, would you see that Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones are the same age? That seems hard to believe.

Yeah, that's earth shattering. That might have been just a classic Romeo prank. Tommy Lee Jones is younger than Al Gore. What the fuck? By two years. What in fucking hell? How crazy? What in tarnation?

That doesn't make a lick of sense. Damn. Your dorm rooms, they must have been incredible. No, they weren't. No? They were no better than anywhere else. That's not true at all. They look beautiful on the outside. What's that one school that's like expensive as fuck and the dorm rooms are like

it's like a resort probably rollins college is that what it is maybe where is that it's florida yeah i think that might be what i'm thinking and they have like they have like housekeepers is it orlando they have like housekeepers and shit that come to their dorms. There's one in New England where like everything's on a fucking bluff. Like the dorms are literally like there's senior housing that's like wedged onto the water. It's like the most beautiful shit I've ever seen. I saw it on TikTok. The Penn State dorms were a prison. Like it was literally the highest density population of anywhere in the

state of pennsylvania more so than the prisons damn they just have so many people stacked i feel that's what all the big state schools are like yeah i mean that's what umass is like and they're probably built in like the 1950s or something like that and they refuse to update anything yeah imagine the amount of semen in the fucking drains dude yeah a lot imagine how crazy that dude from salt burn would go it'd be like a fucking buffet he'd be licking his chops fucking fighting through fucking urinal cakes of semen that were fucking so gross choked out calcified dude i had a sucking stalactites of semen did you guys have conjoined bathrooms because i was on the i was the corner door i was all the way at the end so i we had our own bathroom

must be nice that was awesome no we had like a whole fucking the whole floor had to shower but i got to college a week before my roommate so it's tough to make friends when you don't have a roommate and everyone's like oh keep your door open we had these like big ass weighted doors kept it open just closed instantly and i just sat in my room and cried for a week until he showed up i actually 100 believe that yeah oh i cried the whole time that's why they're like we need to put you on the gay floor yeah yeah i cried constantly why did you what were you so upset about because i hated it but i missed my friend you're like i'm meant for the content game yeah i was like i gotta get out of here pursue the arts this shit is so gay i gotta go be an artist man college is so gay i gotta go go be on stage performing every night.

Performing my silly act. My whimsical act. That's way more masculine. I made no friends with the kids on my floor, not even my fucking medieval roommate. But, like, there's, I remember one time, and everybody else was great friends. All they ever did was hang out.

Oh, yeah. Fuck these fucking kids. But one time I was in the bathroom friends all they ever did was hang out oh yeah these kids but one time i was in the bathroom and i was lighting it up like it was loud and everything's like a prison so it's cacophonous it's bouncing off these concrete walls it was so loud and other kids in the bathroom they're like yo who is it in there and i had to like identify myself by my room number because none of them knew my name i was like it's 5d 5d it's a 5d in here holy shit it was so embarrassing like i could have i just they wanted to be like yo it's ethan in here yeah so they could all laugh three days later you were recruited to be the beatboxer on the acapella team.

Is that Roz L in there? It's a beatboxer joke. I remember my roommate, we smoked his Pax. He had a Pax thing. And I remember I got so fucked up from that. Paxes were so strong when those first came out. Yeah, and he was like, dude, this is way better than weed. It doesn't smell, and it's not as strong stronger than weed and smelled so incredibly

strong i would not it's literally you're just smoking weed i wouldn't have said it was stronger than weed well i didn't smoke a lot of weed so i was just a wild guess but it dude the saying it doesn't saying it doesn't smell is crazy it's's not like you're literally just taking actual weed and putting it in this tube. Where do you think the smell is going? Oh, well, some of the packs came with, you didn't pack it. Some of them just had a jewel pod damn near. Oh, no. Like the oil.

We called those the Stizzy. That was the Stizzy. But Stizzy's a brand and Pax is a brand. Yeah. And they're like the same thing. When I was in college, people were using the Stizzy. But then Pax also and Pax is a brand And they're like the same thing When I was in college people were using the Stizzy But then Pax also, he's talking about the vaporizer of the flower Yeah, that's what he was using

And he was like it doesn't smell We're just lighting weed on fire No, they don't combust them It's just vaporizing, it's heating it to a level where the vapor comes out Yeah, and the smoke But it's not much No, it doesn't smell compared to a joint or oh it smelled so strong i could smell it i could smell him smoking it while i was walking down the hallway

it's a different type of smell though than regular burned weed i think yeah uh do you did you guys ever do those fucking big ass bags or like a gravity bong no it was like a bag and you or maybe oh yeah the volcano the volcano. The volcano. Yeah, the volcano. I've tried that. That thing's crazy. Yeah. No, I've never even heard of that.

They just look fucking nuts. And you could just make a fucking Thanksgiving float, like these massive long-ass bags. And then what, you just squeeze it? And then you fucking disappear this massive amount of, I guess it's vaporized. I think it's the same thing. Same thing. Same thing as a PAX. fucking disappear this massive amount of i guess it's vaporized i think it's the same thing same thing as a pax but instead of one's very compact and then the other one you just have the least

compact thing ever but they're fun to do it's fun it's not fun it's fun watching it come to life like a it's tough if the ra walks in when you're doing that huh and you just have this big balloon in your room it's the thing you get when you first move into a house yeah like i'm gonna fucking make my weed smoking my full personality yeah i'm tired of being in the shadows yeah i'm not gonna hide who i truly am anymore i'm gonna have a fucking finally my parents aren't here to stop me from embracing my true colors get some crazy bongs and shit like that yeah when we first moved into the first house in college we like pooled our money to get a bong and like a speaker system those were the two first things we bought turned on the speaker system and we're dancing around like maniacs at our freedom and

someone just kicked the fuck out of the bong it just shattered everywhere heartbreaking that's why you gotta get some thick ass glass bro it was it It was. It was an Illidelf, bro. It was a tag? It was an Illidelf. I don't know what an Illidelf is. It's a bong brand. Oh, I'm talking, there's an actual bong brand, thick-ass glass.

Oh, really? Drop that shit from 10 feet up. It's not gonna break. Shut up. Shit's thick. We should've got a tag. One of my friends had one of those.

Yeah. And he would carry it around in a backpack in high school and he would have to wrap it up in saran wrap to try and get the smell to stop. But that thing, I mean, it's hard to remove the smell from a 12-inch bong. I had to stop smoking bongs because of watching everything that gathered on the inside.

Because you just imagine it happening to your lungs. Oh, and it would. Yeah. People who smoke bongs, their lungs turn, like, black. I think any type of smoking does that shit to you. Yeah. Have you guys seen that smoker's lung? The black smoker's lung?

I think Maresh tweeted it out recently. Mm-mm. Like the one they show you in health class when you're 10 years old? I can tell you that I've been off the weed for a month or so now, and I feel worse every day. Maybe you should get back on. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, just get back on. I'm not allowed.

Oh, because pregnancy. Yeah. Because sperm. How far along are you? Maybe you should get back on That's what I'm thinking Yeah just get back on I'm not allowed Oh cause pregnancy Cause sperm How far along are you? Far enough Touching his belly Dick wad That sperm service is crazy though I know

Did you talk about that on here? I don't know if I did I don't think you did There's a sperm service that You can test your sperm It's asshole like this but it's like you have to send it out they send you a kit yeah in the mail like a 23andme style yeah and it's like uh it's like it's like warby parker they're like try these for a week and if you you know so they send

you this thing and it comes in this beautiful green box and you pop the seal and then there's like an instructional there's a there's a qr code that sends you a instructional youtube video that walks you through all the steps except the one where you would watch the guy actually jerk off into the cup like what now you know yeah yeah what what do you mean deliver a sample how do i get it out be more graphic you should call them yeah hey you should call them and act like you're completely oblivious to the idea of masturbation. And as they're explaining it, be like, wait, keep going. Sorry, are you going to get it?

How do I get this out of my body? Are you going to take it from me? Do you have a female employee? Probably one with a Russian accent. So yeah, so then it comes in this cup and then you have to you know deliver it and then mix the fluid and by the way you know I'm jerking off in my

home and my wife knows that I'm doing this which is weird yeah and she's like I'll see you in 10 minutes I'm like I'm just not gonna take that long 30 seconds yeah and like a pit crew landing it in the little cup is tough yeah i'm sure turns out a little cup is much smaller than your chest

much less surface area than your entire torso well you don't usually have to do it like a drone strike where it's like a precision yeah it's not like keying in a cup no i would watch that sport though flailing around yeah precision nutting yeah i had to be so precise that i couldn't even enjoy the o yes no the o does extract 20 percent more. That's right. Oh! Yeah. So I did it, and then I screwed the cap back on, and then you put it in the vault. They've got this little donut thing that's called the vault. And then you have to take a piece of red tape, and you place it over the box again,

and then reseal it and send it back in a shipping return box with the return label on it. But you have to send it out the same day that you nut. Yeah so this is like you're in fucking like need for speed it's quick yeah you gotta be quick it has to be fresh yeah sure enough fucking fedex something happened you know they lost it went went the wrong way and i get an email being like hey we didn't get your sample in time you're gonna do this again we'll send you another kit and i was like don't mind if i do imagine if they imagine if they misplaced that box and they sent it to someone else well the problem just open it up and it's just a fucking load what the who ordered cottage cheese it's like that video of the kid of the kid unboxing

the bong in front of his mom. I ordered a PlayStation card. What the fuck is this? Why is there a fresh load in our mailbox? I ordered an Xbox card. I didn't order that. Or the FedEx guy's like, A cup of cum? This isn't basketball cards. What the frick frick i didn't freaking order that oh my god so what

are you gonna do just beat off again yeah i guess i have to well it's coming uh on friday and then i can't do it until monday and then i'll do it on monday and send it back out they're they're based out of san an, Texas. Oh, my God, dude. You got to get it all the way to San Antonio? Yeah, you're better off just doing that when you're out in Houston. That's not a bad idea. Hand deliver it? Yeah.

I mean, you know what it probably is. I'm pulling up right now. Yeah, yeah. It's probably the migraine. I'm out front. I'm out front. I just busted. Like a steaming box.

You're like rushing in with it like a heart transplant. You deliver it on ice. Swim it across the Rio Grande. Yeah, that's what I bet it was. The Venezuelans, like the migrants, the train of migrants probably fucking nicked it. They probably stole all the packages. They're warning us about the criminals coming over. They didn't tell you that they're stealing sperm samples.

I would bet that that happens 50% of the time that you do that what that that they're like it took too long that a hungry guy is i would bet that you there's a chance you'll have to do it a third time uh yeah i mean i'm getting pretty sick of it pretty frankly also you should call them and tell them that apparently sick of boston guys they freeze it and then you could actually use it to create an embryo. Yeah, it's not surprising. And I was like, I don't want this one to make an embryo. Yeah, well, that's not my best shit. I was watching some fucked up porn to make this one happen.

But maybe that's why there's so much of it, because you're a freak bull. I guess so. True. Yeah, that's why there's so much of it, because you're a freak bull. I guess so. True. Yeah. That's a delicate situation. You should leave a note next time and say Lenny Moore, where that came from. Yeah, right. I wonder if there's like a QR code for like porno.

You know how when you go into the offices and do stuff like that, there's like a stack of magazines. Yeah. They offer you pornography to no help you on your sperm journey but they did specify uh masturbate to come masturbate to completion do not use saliva do not use cream of any kind damn so you just gotta Yeah, you can't get your wife to blow you to the point of almost completion and then turn your penis to the left and come in the cup. Wow. Interesting.

Or spit in your hand. Or use saliva as shortening. Or use saliva as a mixing ingredient. Like when they put drywall in the cocaine to make there be a little bit more. What a journey. I cannot imagine starting a company like that. I mean, it's amazing. It's got to be a lady, right?

It is pretty amazing because I'm going to find out all these stats. What do you think they're going to say? Well, they'll let me know if my motility is low or if all these these things, if they're uninspired, if they're, you know. If you've had too much Mountain Dew. Yeah. They never took swimming lessons when they were children. Yeah. All they can do is tread water, but not actually do laps.

Dude, we should do that as an office challenge, dude. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. Check everyone's sperms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like get a guess guess guess which sperm is whose have set them on a counter lowering the bar style yeah let joey taste them all that's frank the tank salty yes oh you could tell by the preservatives does that all make it to sperm to your sperm

the things you eat because they say pineapple right make your i would think there's got to be some kind of yeah some kind of uh affect or your candy ass has to have the fucking nastiest taste in sperm without a doubt probably you should put some food coloring in it next time you've been thinking about this a lot i just try to think of ways you could fuck with them just put like some fucking green food coloring in it and they call and you're like that's what it always looks like is that what it's supposed to look like i had a medicine one time they turned my sperm green really yes well what was like a tint of green yes but it was enough it wasn't like the color of this couch yeah it wasn't gack yeah it wasn't like nickelodeon

yeah yeah yeah that'd be crazy though but it was enough where it was like what and i forgot that i had taken the medicine yeah it was enough to be disturbing i don't like that shit popped a pepto-bismol makes my my tongue black that's fucking weird yeah huh and it's not an uncommon thing i thought you're gonna say it made your sperm pink no it makes my tongue which would rule you wake up in the morning your mouth is black you gotta wake up and you gotta scrub it off i haven't noticed that because i just took peptobismol doing waking up doing black tongue justin trudeau yeah having to rush to parliament the next day rub the racism off of your tongue yeah he was just bathing in peptobismol yeah he's a freak bowl yeah i've had enough of trudeau i've had just about enough of Trudeau.

Feels like he's been prime minister for my entire life. Who was even before him? Putin. No, good question. Ooh, I'm not going to be able to remember. Who was that fat fucking idiot? Rob? Rob.

Yeah, the mayor of Toronto. Yeah, Chris Farley. Yeah. Is he the one that was smoking crack? Yeah, he had of Toronto. Yeah, Chris Farley. Yeah. Is he the one that was like smoking crack? Yeah, he had done. Yeah. That was awesome. And he just didn't care.

What the fuck was that guy's name? But it was like Ford. It was like a recurring thing. Rob Ford. Yes. He was having a blast. And he was like talking like patois with like Jamaicans outside of a KFC. It was hilarious.

It was like, but it happened multiple times. Like they were like, he's not smoking crack anymore. And then he'd be like, I smoked it again. I relapsed. Yeah. Your boy relapsed on the crack. I smoked that shit again. I can't believe you've spoken.

But I think a lot of bros out there do talk to patois. In Canada? Yeah. They got all sorts of different shit out there. French-Canadian, Jamaicans. Yeah, they got both things. I mean, it would make sense. Like, two stereotypes, like two countries where they have similar stereotypes, Jamaica

and Canada, everyone's like, they're so friendly. They're so nice. Do they say that about Jamaica? I think it's just assumed with their cool-ass voice and their fun, enjoyable music. You guys ever been to Jamaica? No. Yeah. I went to Jamaica, Queens, where 50 Cent was shot.

Is that where he's from, too? Yeah, I believe so. Who else is from there? South Side, Jamaica, Queens, where they raised me. Is that Jay-Z? Nicki Minaj. Oh. She's coming to Milwaukee soon, guys.

We should go out there for a show. Totally. She's fallen off quite a bit, right? No, I don't think so. I mean, she's at the main stadium in Milwaukee. Oh, she is? Oh, fair enough. Good for her.

I don't think she has the hype around her that she used to, but the barbs are still fucking nuts. They still love her. her yeah she's good it's tough because female rappers it's not like they're ever gonna link up it's like one is replaced by the next like uh she was replaced by cardi b who was replaced by megan the stallion who's replaced by ice spice who's replaced by sexy red like they all just take the next one spot like fucking, fucking... I thought Cardi B was still pretty big. Probably not as big as she was, because Ice Spice is fucking... But was Ice Spice... Ice Spice's music is nowhere near as big as, like, Cardi B's or Nicki Minaj.

But she has, like, seven-second soundbites where she's like, you're not even a fart. True. And those are very big. Yeah, that's what I mean. That's all you need now. Yeah. It is all soundbites these days. And ass-shaking. Yeah. Yeah, that's what i mean that's all you need now yeah it is all sound bites these days and ass shaking yeah it's yeah that's the problem if you're a girl rapper you got to have like it's

tough to outdo ice spice's ass i saw a meme today that was like uh it was taylor swift with her arm around ice spice and their net worths were on both of their backs right above their asses taylor swift one billion dollar net worth ice, $1 billion net worth. Ice Bice, $2 million net worth. And it was like, what would you choose? And everybody's like, if you pick Taylor Swift, you're a fucking, you like little boys. I'm taking Ice Bice with her fucking big ass. Yeah.

Where do you guys fall on that? Oh, I'd like little boys. Yeah, I'd probably choose the billion dollars. I'm going to take the little boys. With the Sugar Mama, though, $2 million uh but there is such a big difference between two million and one one billion yeah with like a private plane think about this if you put one billion dollars into treasury bonds yielding five percent interest right now that means that without invading your principle you could spend 50 million dollars a year just play money without losing money yeah it's a safe investment it's guaranteed by the

government you could buy her by t swift a brazilian butt lift true you could buy her a new ass you could buy her 50 million dollars worth of new ass good news sweetheart i bought you a new ass. You could buy her $50 million worth of new ass. Good news, sweetheart. I bought you a new ass. You're just going to need to not eat between 8 p.m. and 7 a.m. tomorrow. I've got a little surprise for you, and I will drive you to doctor. I'm going to fly you down to South America.

You'll have to kneel on the flight back. Don't worry, we've reserved a full row for you on the way back. Yeah, but I don't think that the dudes who were looking at this meme were thinking about treasury bonds no they were like taylor swift built like an iphone yeah yeah doesn't really seem like the kind of crew to be very dude that's immediately where my head goes i drive by the the sign that says what the lottery winning or the jackpots are right now and i don't think about what I could buy. You think about what you could save?

I think about how much I could generate without making any sort of difficult investment at all. Yeah, just like how much money that would kick off right now. That's hilarious. Where you could not invade the principal. That Kanye line where he's like, you know, white people get money, don't spend it. Yeah. That's good. No, but you do spend money i certainly spend a lot of money i have a problem do you i don't spend any money you do dress like a safari could break out at any time

i dress that way like they could lift this up and we're just in the jungle and francis will be fucking ready for the outback mocked for my clothing from two guys who dress as though they were fetched from the ocean by the Coast Guard and given whatever was on hand. You both look hypothermic. You're shivering.

We're going to bring you back to life. Some Italian man just rubbed your shoulders. I'm not clowning your fits. just sorry we didn't expect to find you floating this far off the coast the italian man just takes his workout clothes from his bag here put it on put this just a couple of jason bournes who can't remember how they ended up in the fucking arctic sea bro this is i put on my best fit for you guys today i have i know every single piece of clothing you own i know i was looking at ll bean today though to purchase some more clothes good you must be doing good but then it was like but then it was like not gonna get here until one of the shirts i was looking at it said uh it's sold out and it won't

arrive until april i was like dude absolutely not not ordering clothes that are going to come in over a month here's what we'll do we'll go shopping this week i'm sick of that shit you're gonna wear them for eight years what do you fucking care about two months people taking too long to do stuff we'll go shopping this weekend upstate there was a comedy club won't name names who i requested my tapes from and they said it's going to take them five to seven business days to get me the tapes and i ordered take them five to seven business days to get me the tapes. And I requested two tapes. Five to seven business days? That's seven weeks for you.

Well, I mean, dude, first of all, what comedy club operates on business days? Yes. You got your ass good. Seven? Who's got seven weeks? You don't observe business days? Oh, man. That's Monday and Thursday.

So they can only send it out on Monday and Thursday? No, but seriously, dude. What comedy club operates on business day? They're open every day of the week. That's crazy. That's crazy that's crazy right and it's too it's it's a one hour of material let's take 15 minutes i'm shocked at the people who work at the comedy club don't have initiative well no because it's like some comedy clubs like pittsburgh they sent them over and fucking a day the in houston the dude gave me

them while i was in the green room still you should be able to just do it right there and now five or seven business days is insane. Providence was really good about it too. Yeah. Yeah, they smoked. Like, are they skimping on the shipping fees? I don't know what they're doing, but there's always some weird, oh, you go, well, you didn't pay us the fee.

It's like, you already record them. Just give me them for free. They're just gouging your ass. It's crazy. It's like, you think if you sell out a weekend, you just get them for free. That's a subtle flex. No, but really. No.

I mean, am I crazy for saying that? Yeah, I have never thought about this in my life, so I haven't considered whether you're crazy or not. Am I crazy for that? For thinking if you sell out a full weekend, everyone walks away happy. You don't have to pay 50 for your tapes one of the is what you're saying it just sounds entitled how does that sound entitled you know you you'd think i'm the headliner selling out a weekend i would think if the shows are sold out everyone's getting free tapes i don't know if it's like the manager would walk

around and be like free tapes for everybody personally like i've sold that weekend just throw them into this was a great weekend free time all around i i mean i've sold that weekends and in those times i actually tend to give the videographer more time to deliver the tape because they have to engineer how loud the laughs are i want to make sure that's a sound mix for literal hours because people are scream laughing. The microphone, they're peaking because people are laughing so loud. Yeah, that's right. There's a lot of...

They're like, yeah, you actually broke our whole sound system. Never had this happen before. Yeah. Not me. They get the tapes back from me and they're like, were you speaking on stage? We didn't get any of that. The crowd mic must have been muted. I don't know.

I've gotten – I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. And it's happened. Like I know it's a common thing. I just know the business days thing is what shocked me because Saturdays are like their biggest day. Whatever. to the business days thing is what is what shocked me because saturdays are like their biggest day whatever no truly there's not a single person on earth what cares about that cares about the last 10 minutes of this podcast no that's not true at all there's legitimately not one person on the planet who was like wow that five to seven business days thing was really intriguing it was very interesting i just like

to hear your blood boil about something yeah it's good i just like to hear you care yeah it means so much to you let's go shopping this weekend sass yeah go to orvis you and i believe it or not if you like l.l. bean because you know you know i bleed l.l. bean yeah i know you're a bean head big bean boy i know you're a beaner jack and the bean stock i'm a bean flicker and uh i i get your style and i got a store we can go to this weekend we'll do it all right well as long as it's not like three hundred dollars sure it's not it's not sass you can afford it shut up stop cosplaying as a poor person that's just i'm all liquid yeah exactly when you're all liquid. Yeah, exactly. When you're all liquid, you got to be very careful about where your money goes. No.

Yeah. No. Why? Because you're not making more. There's no passive income when you're all liquid. You're selling out every weekend. What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, no, no, no.

You just got- Very large misconception there. I just saw you come back- That I'm selling out every weekend. From Denver with a fucking Louis duffel bag full of cash. No, still sticking with my Nike. My Nike Red. Yeah, duffel bag full of cash no still sticking with my Nike my Nike red yeah well it was full of cash faithful it was still full of cash there's never been cash in that bag you had a thick one I had stickers in that bag someone in Portland gave

me a bunch of stickers it was ten thousand dollar stickers that were wrapped around ten thousand dollars so they gave me a bunch of son of a boy Dad and my tour poster stickers, like this big of a wad of them. And I've had them in my bag since then. And I was going through TSA the other week, and they pulled my bag, and they were like, what's at the bottom of this bag? And I was like, I don't know, stickers? And then they pulled them out, and they went, it looks a lot different through the camera. The fuck do they think it could be? And I was like, what else could it have looked like?

Note cards? Note cards, stickers? through the camera the fuck do they think i was like what else could it have looked like i don't know if i could live in the city of denver simply on on the situation at the airport oh well it's cursed you know that yeah i know all of that sucks whenever you walk to that top atrium and you look down at the floor and it's a lot of people it is so many i i've never i've never it looks like ellis island in there it I will say from my personal experience, it's always moved surprisingly fast. What is going on? Like how can they not? Sometimes it moves fast and sometimes you go down to like the mosh pit and then they're like, no, the line is all the way down. Bro, it started up top.

I was in line on a staircase. That's insane. And I have, you know, fucking TSA pre-check. I have clear. I have everything above the sun. Well, clear has become slower than regular.

That's not true. And look at what the quality is. And JFK, you go in the sky priority line, it's way faster than the clear. Dude, I did, so I got to the airport early leaving Denver,

and I have to update my clear because I haven't done it to the next gen. And I was like, all right, I got time. When I was there, there was no line. They tell you that they emailed you. Dude, they didn't fucking email you, and I'm not checking for emails from clear anyway. Dude, so I'm in this line, and it's me and another dude, and there's this old dude running clear,

and he's like, could you update your next gen thing? And I was like, yeah, sure, I'll do do it i don't care and i do it takes like 10 minutes because this guy is moving slow and then we get to the end and he's like all right now uh you got to redo it scan your fingers and it just comes up with update next gen and he was like he did the whole thing wrong you just started he didn't do no he was like he he played it off like he like like it was updated and then he was like all right i'm gonna need to see your id and then i had to go over to tsa and do like the whole thing while the other dude that he did it for didn't and i just never said i was like i'm not gonna get in like an argument with this guy i did argue with the guy yeah it was a woman i should know oh there was there was a guy in my line one of the tsa agents who was a trying to

be a comedian and i'm talking he had a full-blown routine have you seen that friday beer sketch i don't think so you haven't no really funny about the tsa guy like being a comedian i haven't seen it it's hilarious this guy i mean this guy i truly, like, because he would wait until a bunch of, the line was moving so slowly that he would do his bit. And then you'd wait for a new fresh show. Wait for a new crop, and then he would kind of start it over. That's awesome. How was the bit?

Very rehearsed. What were they? Gosh. You should have given them some pointers. I'm trying to think. Give them some tags. Do some crowd work, buddy. Yeah.

Hey, don't be afraid to, like, mix it up here and there get involved with the crowd yeah i can't remember you being in the moment will mean a lot to them you know something like something like put your bag on the conveyor belt we live in a society if you don't and you don't want to do that like leave now and forever hold your peace yeah it was it was that's not good no it was crazy but there were there were like some jokes in there but i would have gone way further that guy has a bomb i saw it in his bag i'm just kidding guys if you have a gun like we're just getting warmed up. Yeah. Couple Arab guys, be careful. If you do have a bomb in your bag, please use the left lane.

Make sure you blow up Ted's airplane. I hate that bastard. Please, I legally can't tell you, but target my boss. He did have a couple ex-wife jokes really yeah he had some ex-wife stuff it probably wasn't even jokes if you work at tsa you you have a ex-wife dude the woman who uh it's a fact even if you're a woman those women like what but the woman who uh did my next gen upgrade uh she had she couldn't give a fuck she was like she didn't argue with me she was arguing

with my wife to be honest but her background of her phone was a super sexy picture of herself that's awesome it was just like her a picture of her alone with like her titties fully out you could see every tattoo on her body i mean dude if you're working at tsa you probably need like a pick me up here and there just be like wait I'm fucking hot as shit Just let me show this to my ex wife So she remembers what the fuck she's missing Yeah I should make my profile my screensaver

Just like a picture of my dick Or just one of the jacked A photoshopped jacked picture of you So people are like what the fuck He doesn't look like that I don't know whose phone this is You're looking at him Wait this isn't you Like, what the fuck? He doesn't look like that. I don't know whose phone this is. You're looking at him.

Wait, this isn't you? Oh, man. All right. All right, we can end it. That was fun. Me and Francis are going to be in Albany, New York this weekend. Bingo. Get tickets at littlesasquatchwebsite.com or the Albany Funny Bone website or francisallis.com. All righty.

We'll see you guys on Tuesday. Goodbye. There's a shooting at the cheese parade?