Son of a Boy Dad - Colum Tyrrell Fills In | Son of a Boy Dad #132

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

Colum Tyrrell Fills In | Son of a Boy Dad #132 -- WATCH HIS NEW SPECIAL TONIGHT!!! -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

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Please use responsibly. We used to do a lot of the N-word stuff. We'd be doing our sound checks and we'd be like, nine N-words nibbling on nachos. Nachos. Nine N-words nibbling on nachos. Oh my God.

Get yourself going. The N-word stuff. Nothing as wholesome as the N-word stuff, dude. I don't know where Lil Sass is. I'm sorry about this. This is disrespectful of your time, but I'm happier here. That's why he's little. stuff nothing as wholesome as the n-word stuff dude uh i don't know where little sass is i'm sorry about this this is disrespectful of your time but i'm i'm happier here that's why he's little he'll never be big sass okay little sass he'll never grow up he'll never he doesn't have it he just doesn't he he has no juice and uh i don't understand no juice it's piss it no juice all juice yes um colin tarrell in the fucking building dude

what up what up folks buy tickets to my fucking man show in philly uh this this coming week wednesday uh philadelphia helium comedy club september 20th come on out we will find room for you but uh no it's gonna be good i think Sass wanted to come down, but I don't know. I haven't seen him. Where is he? I thought he was in here with you today. He told me that we had to be in here at 1015. You have a hard out at fucking 1130.

I found my own way in. I didn't even go past security. So you haven't even... I snuck up the stairs. We're vulnerable. You're prone to attack. We're vulnerable to a disgruntled fired employee coming back in school season's back dude

back to school shopping oh wow it's that time of year already AK yeah you've seen the news it's like 20 kids shot and you go oh better get the

Halloween decorations down it's back to school shopping dude it is a grim reality that comes with September that school shoots are about to start again. Yeah, pumpkin spice and dead kids. What else?

What's more American than that? Doing the fall. You take your girlfriend apple picking and AK shopping. Yeah, big boots, fedora hats. That's the fucking wave, dude. Yeah. Please come out to that show.

Helium September 20th. And if you're not in Philadelphia, because you're smart, follow my... Go to my YouTube channel. I've got a special out right now. 30 minutes. We'll call them Tyrell.

All right? The special is very good at times, and I would like you to click on it. All right? All the fucking comedians that go to Ireland and steal valor and go have their little rumspringer vacation in ireland fucking get two dates in and pretend that it's the culture and their ancestors and everything yeah they all owe you fucking buying

tickets in the states when you are a fucking that is it you're right people go over to ireland and fucking australia like it's their fucking job. Every single comic, they're like, I'm going on tour. You have two dates at the same place back to back, dude. They're fucking lying, dude. Yeah, they go, I'm going on tour. It's like the early show and the late show on the back. They dip. Yeah, they go get the good exchange rate and dip.

They make flyers and fucking t-shirts like they had a fucking tour in Ireland. Dude, you had two dates that you're paying for. You're losing a ton of money on airfare it's fucked they they all owe you buying some tickets to these shows in Philly everyone yeah buy the tickets for Philly and if you've ever just claimed to be Irish watch the special also just anyone who's ever even heard of Ireland watch the special if you've never heard of Ireland watch the special just watch click on the special please it's all about clicks I'm not even asking you to watch it just click on it bro you know that

fucking Joe Biden claims you guys like nobody's business someone will mention Ireland he'll be like oh the homeland and Barack right

yeah he does too Barack claimed to be Irish and we accepted him before we found out he was a fucking he was batting for the other team gay ass

gay ass Barack I was trying to be like A little head A little coy about it You go gay as hell Gay ass Barack Mr. Gay President Biden's dick all in his mouth dude

Toaster strudel all in his lips No but in the In like the cultural center in Ireland They have fucking Floor to ceiling pictures of rihanna there you guys claim rihanna like it's nobody's business too dude people go and it's barack obama and ireland in like the find your ancestor center in the middle of ireland wow i didn't know about rihanna i knew biden i knew obama i knew obama did come out dude he sold out like he

phantom on yous have a joke about it because Ireland's very racist. We're like a naturally... It's not like... We don't choose to be. It's just naturally ingrained in our DNA. So it's natural.

It's not like the bad type of racism where you choose to be. It's not like when you choose to be racist, yes. It's familial. It's ancestral. It's almost instinctual, yes. You literally can't help it. It's genetic. Yeah, choose to be racist, yes. It's familial. It's ancestral. It's almost instinctual, yes. You literally can't help it.

It's genetic. Yeah, but everyone went to see Obama. Obama came and gave a speech in Ireland, and there was like hundreds of thousands of people came out. And a friend of mine was like, oh, so nice to see so many people go see Obama, but wouldn't get in a taxi if he was driving. Because there was a whole thing about like black taxi drivers

would pull up and all the girls would be like, no, I'm not getting in. So it was like one rumor went around that like a black guy insulted black guy dude i don't know if we talked about the last time you were in here i feel like all the bad ideas are coming from the taxi drivers in ireland oh they're the best they're the best some of the stuff you hear from the taxi drivers in ireland the best someone someone uh he was telling me a story i got home from new york i'm in ireland i get picked up at the airport. The guy's driving.

He's like, he doesn't know I'm from Ireland. I don't know. He's just talking, talking, talking. And he tells me a story. I don't know how. I didn't even ask about. It was his brother is dating a black chick. I didn't.

I didn't. No questions came out of me. But he was talking long enough that eventually he mentioned that his brother is dating a black chick. And he said, oh, it was very funny. You know, what do you call the the after acts do you have acts yeah the body yeah do you have africa here there's a there's a scent called africa i don't think we said called africa that's insane yeah and is it nice it's the best well it was when you're a teenage yeah yeah it turns yeah i don't know if i if i liked it now, it'd be a pedophile, but,

um, but the joke was, and he was like, yeah, so someone bought out the, uh, links Africa for Christmas, you know?

And I was just like, just left here, buddy. Yeah. That's fucking incredible though. But it's, it's the, I mean,

it's all coming from, I don't, I can't believe that they didn't know that you were Irish. Like, do you think that you lost like your Irish accent? I don't know. I mean, over here, like how do you go to Australia lost like your Irish accent by being over here?

Like how dudes will go to Australia and get an Australian accent. Americans will go over there and wake up. Well, yeah, my brother's in Australia. He has a bit of a twang that I noticed. I definitely, I'm twanged up. I'm twanging out. I'm twanging out my balls right now. Really?

I'm twanged. This is an American accent? This is so American. People would like roast you at home? Everyone in Ireland makes fun of me. Really? Yeah. Actually, I was watching back the now? Everyone in Ireland makes fun of me. Really? Yeah. Actually, I was watching back the special last night,

the final cut of it. And there's a part of it when I can't remember what I said, but I definitely say like, that guy's awesome or something. I go, that guy's awesome. And I was like, ugh. Honestly, it was like, had I only realized last night, I wanted to edit it out, dub over it, go, that fella's sound. Is that how you?

Yeah, that fella's sound. that how you yeah that fella's sound he's sound ass that fella's mighty that fella's mighty crack so he is just dub over it like Jackie Chan mouth doesn't match up at all

yeah oh that's good crack there I am embarrassed it wasn't until I started doing podcasts that like because you start to kind of listen to yourself speak that the enunciation becomes a thing

you're dragging your jaw through the sewer too because all everybody is Philly that you're talking with you're probably going are you garbage you just are always around

all the worst sloppiest most slack-jawed accent that exists out here is poisoning you I get home and go can I get some water and they're like what

awesome water but people in Philly think an Irish accent is like a fairy tale like they fucking love it poisoning you I get home and go can I get some water and they're like what oh some water but people in Philly think an Irish accent is like a fairy tale like they fucking love it like oh talk some more yeah yeah it is fun

that fairy tale-y fiddle-y diddle-y it's fun it's like when you do a Jamaican accent you know your mama don't season her goat you know your mama don't cut your mama don't season her goat you're not

seizing your goat man yeah that type of stuff but it's just as fun all those accents the boys from Ireland trying to well

because yeah Ireland and a lot of the Caribbean have the same stuff we don't pronounce the H's and the T's so we say give me that ting

give me that ting instead of thing. Ting? Ting. Yeah, we say ting all the time. Where's that ting? I lost my ting. Someone, there was some TikTok that told me that all of the southern, the traditionally southern stupid accent that people think of

actually came from England. That it's from West England. Like, I be doing this and i be doing that or some sort of but it's sort of being i do declare i do declare or it's like i be or i don't know i think that's they're talking about in some ways like some traditional slave dialects all come from like uh england i don't know if you want to touch that one maybe maybe i say the english probably yeah the English would be natural slave owners for sure there's something that's

if anyone was built to own slaves it's the English they were designed to do it they must have come or maybe they didn't come up with it

but they protected they perfected the craft oh yeah yeah yeah they stole that from black people yeah black people actually you know

slavery was created by black people we just took it and made it better we made it better we originally yeah we appropriated we we appropriate slavery we can do this better yeah yeah it's like soul music like everything yeah it's like blue-eyed soul it's like elvis peanut butter yeah yeah we completely remixed that shit but uh it was i mean beautifully done on our part

uh and and uh now you know it's where it should be it actually might have came from the middle east dude yeah i think it might have they might have been cooking that shit up it must have been just like i'm a robbie or some shit like that i don't fucking i'm sure whoever was just whoever was just all over the world it must have organically just happened whereas like i'm gonna own this guy kind of like it just sort of that had to have been just an organic no matter where you are in the world like the first time you stood up right you were just like all right smaller guy get the get in there i think that there's a decent chance that either we get enslaved by ai or they just like domesticate us like pets and like ai has us just like they're walking us like a fucking that basically that's

what a treadmill is like it's just ai taking us for a fucking walk yeah just walking our bodies yeah them having us just like dogs and i don't think they want their muscles good i think that don't make us all like loose like like veal like veal where they keep you on like a incubator type of thing they just keep us tethered up. What would the benefit of even keeping us around? Maybe just the way that we like dogs. Like, we just want to have

like a stupid ass companion. We're just like running around. They breed us to be very like nice to them and stuff. Yeah. I bet they do. Just like walking us.

They like already, they clean up our shit with a toilet, like a fucking Japanese toilet. It's basically AI. Yeah. Just us licking peanut butter off ai's balls going to town on them i can see it dude it's not a real possibility how lucky were we to

be born now and not like 100 years from now in the uh ai slave camps you know i mean that shit has to be fucking coming it's either aliens or being enslaved by aliens or we're being enslaved by ai oh yeah i don't know which one you prefer i guess ai kind of it's i want to really like armageddon star scenario i don't want to be just you know i want to i want to see the world crumble that would get me going if both happen simultaneously it's kind of everybody's wet dream we're kind of talking it into reality right now the amount that rogan's always talking about ai and fucking aliens dude he's gonna reap what he sows dude joey rogues never heard of him no i did big famous american guy irish i think oh yeah

oh rogan yes oh rogan how mad would you be if you died, and then it was like two months later, Armageddon? Like if you just died of old age, and then just two months later, it was like the apocalypse. You missed it? I'd be so mad.

To live your whole dumb life, and then like just asteroids falling down. All of your boys get to watch Armageddon. Everybody gets to be front fucking row as that earth fucking cracks open. As your kids evaporate in front of your eyes. That is the dream. You want to see it.

I'm like that with all disasters. I know being the day that's in it, but I'm like, I would, I would rather. To all those who observe 9-11. If a plane is going to crash, I'd rather watch it crash than not see it. I don't want it to crash. I don't want

people to fucking die. It's our basic instinct to want to at least catch a tsunami up close. To be in a building as a tsunami fucking creeps through. A little car crash on 7th Ave. It's nice. You can see a bike get flipped over a car. That's always fun. Or to be around a shark

attack or a shooting or something like fun or to be around a shark attack or a shooting or something like that like fucking punch a shark I'm not saying I want this stuff to happen but if it's happening I want to watch it you want to be able

to experience you're not willing it into existence but if the apocalypse is going to happen like a thousand year flood or like a fucking hundred thousand year flood

just to fucking watch that shit happen polar ice caps melting or something yeah a little molestation molestation yeah Yeah, a little molestation. Molestation. Just a touch of molestation. I don't want it to happen, but if it's around, I want to

see it. You know how it is, Buzz. I'd rather be the one doing it. September 20th, Philem Comedy Club. Check my boy out in Philly. You're going to love him. Philly's going to love him. I hope so. It's my first set I'm doing since the special comes out. So it's like all like guaranteed.

Bro, I can't believe that we fucking glossed over the fact that that's why we're not here to sell helium tickets. Yeah, if you can't make it to helium on September 20th. It's the fucking special, dude. Yeah, check out the special. Columnturl.com. No, YouTube slash Columnturl. It's out.

When does this come out? Tomorrow. It's out right now. No, it's not. It's out tonight. It this come out? Tomorrow. It's out right now. No, it's not. It's out tonight. It'll be out tonight at 7 p.m. Eastern. So probably...

September 12th. Chances are, but yeah, September 12th. Chances are, by the time you're listening and watching this, it's out. Head over.

Just head over. Leave a little comment. Say, Sass. Sass stinks. Where's Sass? Yeah, where's Sass? Write down, where's Sass?

Like, where's Waldo? Like, just where's Sass? Everyone, if you're watching this right now please honestly i know it takes no time to do it it does help we gotta feed these ai algorithms and boost those fucking subscribers i saw you lamenting your subscriber count 17.1 what am i francis ell Ellis come on now folks we gotta what am I boring you today writing irrelevant blogs about nothing no ever since we swapped over

Lil Sass's YouTube to Son of a Boy Dad I think it's lost followers I think that we're at like negative negative followers oh it used to be Lil Sass and now it's Son of a Boy Dad

yeah so I you have 17,000 more than we have so you brought in a negative effect on us It used to be Lil Sass And now it's Son of a Bitch Yeah so I You were of 17,000 more That's so bad So you brought in A negative effect on It was like Young like college girls That wanted to see

Like his skits And like kind of like Feel emotions And hormones To watching Lil Sass And then They got my Fucking 35 year old

Ass dropped in their life Yeah you're there Like what the fuck is this dude Yeah Elementary Whatever you're doing You what the fuck is this dude yeah elementary whatever you're doing you're just you're my enemy it's elementary that was a three-syllable rhyme people don't even like nerding out over it just dried up his account he has to be so secretly mad about that

yeah i don't know i think he like doesn't want to say and acts like he doesn't care but he has to be so secretly mad no he's almost fucking draining it yeah maybe i don't think he's just been so successful online since such a young age that i don't think he cares anymore it's like he thinks it's automatic it's like being yeah it's just having money when you're young but he doesn't do anything he hasn't posted anything funny in four years because like what's he doing he doesn't do anything he doesn't buy the i doesn't but I have a by the way I have a new joke new material night

with Lil Sass in New York City every Tuesday at downtown social 9pm it's free it's actually a great show the best comedians in New York

all come down some young guys trying to prove themselves and older guys trying out new stuff it's free the fact that I said it's actually a great show

was pretty condescending no I think that's nice it's a great show I accepted that but it actually makes it seem like you wouldn't think it would be a great show. It was pretty condescending. No, I think that's nice. It's a great show. I accepted that. But it actually makes it seem like you wouldn't think it would be a great show. It sounds terrible. But it actually is.

But come on now. It's actually a great show. Yeah. Sas won't even post about it. He refuses. But it means a lot to him. And he stresses out about it. Yes, he stresses out about it.

Does he really? He has a weird thing. Dude, I would, you would think, I swear to God, it's like having a teenage son who just won't get out of bed. It's like 2 p.m.

I'm like, clean your fucking room. Post about the show. It's a, opening the blinds. It's a beautiful day. Will you get out there and promote the show?

It's fucking 2 p.m. Promote the fucking show. You're up all night. Dude, and it's crazy because he has a mental blockage where like, he won't promote the show,

but like, if Shane comes out with a special, he'll be like, dude, go watch Shane's special, dude. Oh, he loves Shane. He doesn't need the fucking promotion, dude. We need the promotion. He does the same stuff with Son of a Boy Dad. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Son of a Boy Dad. We need the promotion. The show needs the promotion. Yeah, what is that? What's going on? Where is he? He could agree. He might have got smoked by a car

on the way I would love if he died it's gone through my head you can quote me on that that paternal instinct has gone through my head like damn like it's 1030

and she's not home yet yeah oh he took a red eye back from where Buffalo where was he Jersey

but if I'll tell you this though if Sass was red eye back from where? Buffalo? Where was he? Jersey? I'll tell you this though. If Sass was to have been hit by a car and died, funeral would be lit. No one knows. Dave Pornhub pretending like he believed in him. Dave's there going, no, yeah, he was the best. He was going places. That guy.

Dave cries. Dave jumps in the grave afterwards like take me instead he realized he just monetized the fuck out of his funeral he sells airbrushed

little Sasquatch t-shirts you just see you just see like yeah you just see the coffin come up and then on the back you just see like a Barstool logo

and you go what the fuck a dude wipes logo just ass wipes on his fucking coffin Francis' overdramatic speech. I know you're carrying, I know you're carrying a casket.

I could probably get a shoulder under the casket. Oh, yeah. Who else is carrying a casket? Fucking maybe Francis. He loves Francis. You know, the best thing ever, Shane Gillis won't even be there.

You text him, he goes, that would kill him. That would assassinate him. That would would kill him that would that would that would destroy him that would be his equivalent of dying right before the apocalypse dude

him not him like faking his own death and showing up at his own funeral and fucking Shane doesn't show up he would kill himself

for real dude it would be the greatest joy do you have do you have a little bit of that is it nepotism or whatever it is in there of like going like you kind of do want to see how people would react to your death of course there

is like that weird thing of course dude isn't that like huck finn wasn't there like a tom sawyer book or huck finn or something like that he like painted a fence said the n-word and showed up at his own funeral or some shit like that rules but there is that narcissism where you're just like i want to know what the fuck they would think about me because people would come out of the fucking woodwork i you know i wouldn't even be able to hide in the closet long enough because i'd be one person i didn't like would just like say something like always no like i immediately go fuck you fuck you didn't read tweets was special yeah dude my boy died and fucking eminem posted about him he i'm like i

was like what the fuck did he you bet oh dude that my my boy would have fucking loved that yeah he's gotta be furious he's like yeah fuck you eminem dude you got some set of fucking i would be so mad yeah if fucking eminem came came out, dude, I bet like Louis C.K. would post about you. He'd be like, he was so fucking one of the greats. There'd be a lot of snakes coming out. A lot of snakes. Oh, there'd be some people who never fucking...

Yeah. And then there's a lot of people. There's probably someone there with a hit piece, some Me Too hit piece, ready to cook up. And I'm like, damn it. You guys were all celebrating Colm when he was actually problematic.

Of course it was all the good ones are problematic you kidding me me, Jimmy Fallon Louis the greats dude what did

Jimmy Fallon do wrong nothing he hired women that was his mistake he hired college white chicks who when they showed up

and they didn't have oat milk in the fucking office they were like this is that's all it was that's all, they were like this is a hot take off. That's all it was. What is the charge

against him? What are people saying about him? Making people show up to work on time and stuff? I don't know. I didn't read it. To be honest, I never even read it. I'm just like, nope. I asked someone and they were like, he gave out six months contracts. He gave me a job?

Oh my god, he gave me a job? What the fuck are people talking about? Here's the thing. I think this has been a really one though where everyone was just dismissive of it. It's not physical and it's not physical harm or sexual harassment type of a thing. No one really cares that much. You're allowed to be a bad, mean boss. That's what being a boss is.

That's how you get to be the boss is by being mean. You're supposed to be. Yeah. The thing that holds you back the most in like jumping corporate structures and shit like that is not wanting to like yell at people and be an asshole and shit like that. Nobody wants to do that. But the people who don't give a fuck like Dave, they're going to be great boss because like they can just yell at people yeah but people just want to bitch about it it's crazy absolutely any like construction foreman or fucking like firefighter or something like that they're abusing people in the firehouse bro they're making fun of somebody because they

have their buttholes too big and they'll fucking photoshop their face onto like a black hole or something like that and like that's how they make their fucking living. Yeah. That's how they pass the time every day. I, when I worked in construction in New York city, it is, that's a,

I wouldn't even say toxic, but everyone else would call it toxic, but there was like fistfights regularly because it's like, it's an aggressive, you're in the rain, you're on like, you're a 12 stories up and you're just like mixing cement, throwing bricks.

And people are screaming at you going, go, go, go. And it's like not talking shit on each other yeah they're beating you up and stuff just because they think it's funny like whatever when you work in new york city construction it's like going straight back into like like elementary school where people like hit you in the nuts and call you gay and stuff like that yeah yeah it's incredible yeah or it's just like the high school humor of like that you have with your guy friends they're like yeah i was like fucking the shit out of like mike over there it's just like you just talk about like fucking dudes and it's that that's your outlet every single day or you can do a ton of drugs like the construction site by my old apartment dudes are just smoking the

fattest most delicious looking blunts all fucking day long and then climbing like scaffolding and walking along a fucking beam or whatever or afterwards like they're just getting absolutely shit face like 18 honduran dudes in like a deli just all sitting at the tables drinking fucking white claws best ever south bronx we used to do that on a friday and then we would go in there was like a deli and it was like me well and i'm hanging out with people who like none of us really speak English and I include myself in that situation so we're all just kind of like miming at each other

drinking these giant like huge like you know those 24 ounces and it's like a dollar like a limerita or some shit like a flavored ass

and they have like a bodega but there's chairs in it for some reason and they're blasting music I mean they're blasting music like it was 1-0 type of thing and we're just

having the time of our life. That was, I remember, I'll never forget that. Like just the wildestness of just hanging out with someone from Turks and Caicos. Not like the nice, like, like it's like the local.

They had to get out of Turks and Caicos. They had to escape from like working on a resort so they could fucking better their life by working on a construction site. Yeah. That is crazy that it is. Is that like, that's non-union, right? No, of course not. No. Yeah. That is crazy that it is. Is that like,

that's non-union, right? No, of course not, no. Yeah, like those are just, who's hiring those people? Hasidic Jews? I'm guessing if you follow the money, eventually, that's like the wire, you know?

You just like, you follow the money, it ends up at a Jew. But that was an Irish company. That was an Irish company, but I'm sure his boss was in the bank. We usually can get away with those jokes when Sass is here because he gives us the pass he gives us a jewish guy pass but uh we'll just

like kind of photo we'll just like uh superimpose him just clip to task it's like i'm little sass and i approve this joke i approve this message where is it i can't believe it dude he really he there's a decent chance that he's if he was a biker I think that he got smoked by a car on his way in or he just woke up he's like dude I don't know

how it happened I went to sleep at 12 o'clock and then I slept for 18 straight hours I can't believe his hands are always down by his thighs

dude I don't know yeah his hands are always hanging down real low I know he's such a lazy fuck he can't even lift his hands past his hips he literally like he's like built like a wine opener he like moves his he moves his arms like straight out he's like dude i don't know how it fucking happened he built like a mechanical wine he blipped up one dude smacks a guy you pull his hand and he smacks you hate

stop stop you know I can't shit fucking G.I. Joe dude I can't believe it he's the bad I love

he's the bad I remember when I first met him I liked him from a sketch but he did my podcast like a couple of years ago and it was brutal I was like

how you doing man you alright he's like yeah I was like so like trying to get to like know and everything was just no i was like i was like how are you doing man you're all right he's like yeah i was like so like trying to get to like no and everything was just now i was like so you like you drink or something and this is so he's like no not really so this is like early on yeah and then i was like all right you're dating around you get some fucking pussy around he's like no not really so you watch sports he's like no i was like what music you did nothing really and then i was like i just kept naming and i was like alright what's in the news

and then I was like do you have an opinion on this he goes no and then at one point I look over he's just like on his phone I was like dude on your phone

on his phone just on his phone on your one on one conversation on your podcast what the fuck dude he was uh I don't know

something must have clicked at some point for him and it's clear that something did and thank god but it was a season on the brink at one point. It could have gone either way.

He just probably never had a job, never realized. He could have just faded back into corporate life and just been a court clerk or some shit like that. Here's the thing. You just need to get rocked a couple of times in your life where it's like, I'm about to get... You just put yourself in a situation where you go,

if I don't get money soon, I'm going to get evicted. And then I'm going to have to go home. I can't even get like you just put yourself in a situation where you go if I don't get money soon I'm gonna get evicted and then I'll have to go home to like I can't even get home to Ireland I'll have to go to like an embassy and be like yo I lost my passport

send me home or whatever and not only like moving back to like probably live with your parents but like everybody being like what happened

oh Hollywood's back huh like oh you were supposed to go to America like oh you're gonna live in New York with Dave Portnoy, right? What happened there? You're going to do stand-up comedy.

Back at college, huh? Yeah, all the fishermen. For some reason, he's from, like, St. John's Island. All the fishermen. Well, if it isn't Little Sass. Harrison. Harrison. Come on, Dad.

It's Little sass now Harrison get the nets you'll always have a job on the boat Harrison just getting smoked in the head with like a jib of a boat

just trying to fucking sail out to fucking sea get off your phone will you cast a net now oh my god I hear that sass is from some sort of

hillbilly farmer land. It's so funny too. He, uh, and then he fantasizes that that is him. Like he thinks that he's like a fucking like fisherman. He thinks that he's like an outdoorsman. Of course.

He's a couch hound. Like he's fucking born into like a cushion lifestyle. Yeah. Like he's, he's not, he's not like a fucking fly fisherman, like a hunter or something but deep down thinks he is

I don't trust him to come back with three drinks from the bar I don't think he has that physical capability within his body if there's a heavy round getting in I have to go up and assist him how many drinks is that? four? I'll go up and help you like getting a stein in Germany would like snap

his wrist just trying to pick up like a fucking heavy. Like that, like that thicky menage's leg. Did you see that? Did you see that chick?

No. What happened? I saw a video go viral. I guess it was like big Brazilian butt lift thoughts. A bunch of thoughts.

Where they put too much load on their ass and like their thin ass legs can't hold it up. Yeah, they're balanced out, but they were playing a basketball game. So it was a thought on thought. Thought, thought. And one of them snapped her leg back.

Snapped back like a deer. She was like that and she did a fucking... And then her leg just buckled out. Like a hyperextended, like went that way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Completely, yeah. Like an ostrich leg, you know out like hyper extended like went that way yeah yeah yeah oh yeah completely like an ostrich leg you know like

it went back like the butterfly doors like fucking hyper extended oh my god no she there was there was a bunch of fat whores like bouncing basketballs

and then she like tried to dribble and just broke her leg like no one even tackled her that's so fucking were they playing in high heels or something no

but they did have their asses out. They had big, huge, fat asses out. There's a certain point where you go, this is just like comical. Like that's not... Are dudes jerking off to like lingerie football or like lingerie basketball? Like you can go find like something more suitable.

There's a guy just sitting there. Watching? Yeah. They like turn off the entire lights of the stadium. Like it's the Lakers arena. So dudes can fucking Peewee Herman jerk off. Honestly, better than the guy who's going because he likes the sport better than the

guy who's like keeping stats and has like, that has that kid writing down the autistic dude at the baseball game. How's she doing? How's she doing this year? Oh, she's doing really well. She's averaging a triple-double. Yeah.

I think, yeah. Oh, she's going to be great in the league. For a rookie, she's really putting up some great lingerie numbers. Don't say anything. She's got a perfect game.

She's got a perfect game through seven innings. Just fucking lingerie baseball. I'd love to go see. I'd like to go see. I like watching anything. I'll go watch that. Because I've done a bunch of stuff.

I got the monster truck in. I've done that. I've done rodeo. Those are two big things. Those are like the American things to check off your list. A lot of fun. Shout out to El Toro Loco. Where's that?

Shout out to El Toro Loco. He's the Spanish guy who drives the monster truck. Yeah. I tell you this when we're talking about construction so when I worked in construction all the Hispanics

they're all from Ecuador he's got a low rider monster truck he can go over no jumps yeah he would just honk it was tiny

like Speedy Gonzales. They love that shit. But yeah, he was the best. When I used to work in construction, they all called me Blanquito. They never learn your name, right? This is just a fact.

They called me Tortuga when I worked in the kitchen. Tortuga. Which is turtle, because I move so slow. Tortuga. Yeah. What happened, Tortuga? Oh, that's kitchen. Tortuga. Which is turtle because I move so slow. Tortuga. Yeah. What's up, Tortuga? Oh, that's so funny. Someone called me,

they used to call me on one of the sites, donkey, which was like, that's Coke, I think. I can't remember. Whatever donkey was, they used to call me donkey

because I was so stupid. Just knocking stuff over and ruining people's work. So they called you Blanquito or was that Little White? Little White Boy, yeah you Blanquito? What's that? Little white? Little white boy. Yeah, Blanquito. Blanquito.

Even though I'm like four foot taller than all of them. They would call me Blanquito. That's probably why they probably would be like ironic about it. Maybe, yeah. Maybe I didn't.

Que grande. I don't think so. Maybe you've pinpointed my natural bias where I was like, these idiots don't even know what tall means. Whereas actually,

they were mocking me the whole time. Yeah. They're capable of nuance in their jokes like they don't know how would they know they don't speak Irish but I

I did show up the next day after the monster truck and then someone said Blanquito and I go no no no

I go me no Blanquito no more I go me El Toro Loco and then they were like oh they went oh and then I go I told everyone El Toro Loco and they all went El Toro Loco I think that was were like, oh. They all went, oh. And then I told everyone, El Toro Loco.

And they all went, El Toro Loco. I think that was the funniest thing of all time. And then they all just started calling me Toro for the rest of the- Isn't it Toro, that's a bull, right? Yeah, yeah, the crazy bull. A crazy bull. It's so funny. Imagine a Spanish guy walks in, no word of English at all one day.

And he goes, me no, me no little Spanish man anymore. Me crazy bull. And then we were like yeah of course you're right dude just some yeah some giant six foot fucking white boy says i'm crazy bull no no no yo soy el macho borracho What the fuck? Let's go. All right. The crazy bull.

Oh, yes. Me no. I said, me no. Me no, Blanquito. Me crazy bull. Oh, my God. I mean, I would absolutely love it. I wouldn't be able to fucking get enough of it. Dude, you know what else I can't get enough of was,

did you watch that Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis apology? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. So much stuff going on. So glad you brought that up. First of all, that Danny Patterson guy, right? Yeah, yeah. Danny Masterson.

Danny Matterson? Masterson. Masterson. Oh. Get his name right. He's a very famous rapist. Masterson. Danny Matterson? Masterson. Masterson. Oh. That is his name, right? He's a very famous rapist. Masterson of none. Just so you know, for a post show,

there's a Dorito underneath that chair, and it's killing me. There's just a random Dorito chip under the chair. And honestly, I'm going to take a follow-up and say, these guys are slacking, dude. Who the fuck is in charge? There's no accountability in this office.

Who's eating Doritos? Clean the fuck up after yourself. No wonder we have fucking rats in here. Yeah, but the Masterson guy, his whole family's all famous. I didn't realize his younger brother was.

Yeah, he's like also, he was in like another sitcom. Malcolm in the Middle. The older brother in Malcolm in the Middle, the oldest brother in Malcolm in the Middle is Danny's younger brother

in real life. Oh, really? Yes. And then his other two siblings whatever and also his wife his wife's

dad was the lead singer of the Mamas and the Papas you know California Dreamin' California Dreamin' I'm such a winner's day

California Dreamin' California Dreamin' California Dreamin' you definitely know that's what the US was going to be like. I've been for a walk You thought that it was going to be like Pam Anderson in bikinis and you got here and you were fucking El Toro Loco drinking a fucking

high noon pineapple 32 ounce in a fucking deli. Love my nooners. Shout out to the noons. I'm nooned up right now. Of course. It's a Monday morning.

Of course. Why wouldn't you be? They do so good. Every day. They're almost addictive. I used to drink coffee. They're almost heavily addictive. They are delicious.

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Babbel.com slash son. B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash son. Rules and restrictions may apply. The best part of waking up. Oh, man. But yeah, his whole family's bad people. The wife, so her dad was the leader of the Sin of Mamas and Papas.

And apparently the other sister of that family said that they had a consensual, like, incestuous affair. So I was reading all this stuff. It's crazy. And then so Danny's in there. He's Scientology. Oh, he's Scientology? Yeah, they're all heavy Scientologists, which I don't know if that's like, there's no correlation. So you almost have to forgive it.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. Look, you got to have a religious freedom. It's the way he's raised. It's their culture. It's like the way Native Americans are allowed to take peyote, you know, legally.

Like just to trip boss because it's a religious thing. They're perverts. Yeah. And he's allowed to take the pussy. They've been perverts their entire lives it's you but also look it's hard to judge the guy you know um a couple of rapes it was the 70s um so different time they're all they're all he's a character actor but the ashton kutcher stuff yeah they released their thing and which is pretty funny their little apology video i or the the video. The first one, I don't know if it's true, but it seems like someone has... One of the exes or one of his victims was like,

Hey, I know about you two as well. You two have fucking things. And she was like, what about that night at whatever's house? Or what about this thing? I watched what you guys did the entire time so it makes it seem like somebody has like knowledge about ashton kutcher and mila kunis that they're maybe somehow complicit or they have skeletons in their souls yes so this is again this is pure rumor mill and i'm a little gossip queen by the way so i love i will never find nasty boy i am a real it's really my biggest chick quality I'm a little gossip

I'm spreading the rumors I don't give a fuck I'm not fact checking nothing if it fits my narrative I believe it the juiciest thing

whatever the juiciest thing is plug it into the girls network and we're fucking talking about it I promise you if you guys don't tell anyone

I'm telling everyone I promise don't even tell me because that's getting spread around immediately oh 100% so apparently this is what I heard

was that yeah the Ashton and the guy Danny good friends obviously from the years they wrote that

character letter where they were like he's a good guy never raped anyone in front of me so I don't know like that's pretty much that makes sense

I would write that letter too I would write that for you Ron if you had allegations I'd go he's a good guy he was always nice to me I don't know like that's all I can and that makes sense. I would write that letter too. I would write that for you, Ron, if you had allegations. I'd go, he's a good guy. He was always nice to me. I don't know. Like, that's all I can say is he was always nice around me. Dude, I never, everybody, yeah, a lot of people, or everybody did,

everybody's had their chance of getting canceled in here. And then there's always like a wave of everyone being like, I never saw shit, dude. Never called me the N-word. So that's all I can say. I don't, I don't call him that. But you're not black, dude. Never called me the N-word. So, that's all I can say. I don't, I don't call him the N-word. But you're not black, bro.

He's like, well, the facts are the facts. Well, then he never said it to me in privacy as a friend. So,

that's even like, yeah, they, I mean, I appreciate that as a friend. I don't know if I'd do the same because I've never done the same. I've never gone to bed.

I wouldn't stick my neck out for fucking anybody. No, I would. Are you kidding me? I would take the bed. I would i would just go look whatever you know there's a 10 chance he was framed so you go that's that's where your friendship comes in but those how like uh i think that there's levels to this shit i think that if what if you're saying stuff or sending crazy text messages if you're jonah hilling i go to bat for Jonah Hill. If you're just like being a fucking,

you know, controlling asshole via fucking text message or like, if you're arguing dirty, if you're doing, if you're doing, if the allegation is like

a hard, like, physical crime, a hard R, you kind of have to step away. It is true. It is. But,

this is why, this is exactly, so obviously, that's what Ashton Kutcher would have done. They're in the machine, they're the Hollywood machine, they're not getting their fucking, step away it is true it is but this is why this exactly so right so obviously that's what Ashton Kutcher would have done they're in the machine

they're the Hollywood machine they're not getting their fucking they dart there's no such thing as friendship for all these child murderers

right they worship it's obligation they worship the enemy they worship the enemy and that's the end of it so but

so why did they do that now this girl responded we're going she said by the way i heard the phone call that night no apparently so ashton kutcher was supposed to go on a date with this chick right um and he she was on a meet me him meet her at her apartment and he showed up doors locked tried to open the door she didn't answer the phone whatever left goes home next day sees on the news that girl had been murdered so then he rings danny masterson being like yo i went around to her house and i tried to get in i'm afraid that i'll catch

my um fingerprints off the door and then there was like but that whole phone call was like a lot long and whatever now she said something about i heard the phone call so because she was dating him at the time one of um danny's victims was like his girlfriend you know so she was like fuck so the theory is that danny was like oh yeah you're not gonna write me a character letter i'm gonna tell him the truth about this thing so the theory on the internet is that he might have actually got into the house found her dead and said fuck this not my problem bailed and then had to like cover up find some sort of a cover-up thing or uh he murdered her punch gone wrong he accidentally ste Renna's easy and fucking

just like an 18 year old that looks like a 12 year old like dressed as a pizza guy or some shit walks out like what the fuck no no you drink this glass

and we pretend that it's poison no it's actually poison you gotta switch the glasses right yeah Wilmer Valderrama comes out like

I forgot those you guys put the blanks in there right no yeah I don't know but I love it I love the idea of Asher Kutcher I forgot those wish tickets. You guys put the blanks in there, right? No. Yeah, I don't know, but I love it. I love the idea of Asher Kutcher just like covering up a murder. And then he's, I never put together that he's married to Mila Kunis.

Then they were on the show together. I don't know why. I never really watched that 70s show that closely, but I guess they were, they knew each other then. And that just kind of lends to a theory of them like being so interwoven that they know it's like a I know what you did

last summer type of deal it's like they're all like they were all in the car so like they wind up together and Danny Masterson's gonna come around with the fucking I don't know

the mask on has Ashton released a statement about the murder I don't know has Ashton said anything about it I never this is the first I'm hearing about the murder so obviously Ashton said, I never heard this the first time

hearing about the murder. So obviously as a fellow gossip queen, I'm pretty fucking excited. I'm amped for this. I can't wait. Tea time for the fellas. Yeah, and then I saw another photo, someone posted this on Twitter, where the Kutcher's had done like a virtual tour of their mansion and

the person went through and was able to find the wall where they recorded their apology video and it was like in the middle of their backyard beautiful like pool

it's like long almost like Olympic level pool the lights are incredible and there's only just like one tiny part of like a giant almost like a greenhouse that they have

of like wood so they like it was the only place of their entire house that kind of looked kind of cheap so they were like I have to move all the furniture and lean up against the side of like a mansion and be like, we're so sick.

Because they couldn't just do it in their actual house. Honey, run to Ikea and buy some normal furniture so we can do an apology. Yeah, they're just like so dumb. They're asking for help. Is that even this wood? What is wood? What does your house look like? Can you show a picture of your house?

Where do you live? Can you punch a hole in my wall? Can you expose some wires? That's how you live, right? Can you put a dead body in the background? That's how you all live, right? Yeah. That shit is so exciting.

I can't believe, but he's kind of one of the last ones to really be suffering. He's kind of one of the last guys to commit rape, right? Still pretty early in the day you know Danny is yeah he's the last one

that's it we've done it we've it was all the rage for a few millennial millennia a couple thousand years it was pretty popular

now it's done thank fucking god I think we are, I think we're all like, I think it's good. Everywhere over that is like kind

of a group. Dude, guys can't even get fucking hard anymore when they want to fuck you. It's like, it's done, it's over.

Our taints have shrunk. We have small taints now. Yes. Because of the plastics. The asshole is

assuming the ball sack and soon will consume, it's like a black hole. It's like that firefighter's big ass black hole

asshole like the fucking balls will go first and then the dick will go into it and then you're just gonna have to bang ass to ass

I guess dude I don't know it's the future I like it yeah we can't do we can't do nasty bad things anymore thank god

I think yeah no honestly yeah sex the populations are going down we are just so over sexual assault we are just over it

and it's a fucking and we just over it what's hot what's not hot consent apology videos shoddy backdrops

yes not rape it's out it's done it's gone it's over I am in my consent season

I am going through my big consent season my college I going through my big consent season. My college. I went through like a consent phase in college. Two things are really hot right now. Tennis dresses and consent. Those tennis dresses are fucking nasty. Everybody's wearing tennis dresses.

You think that it's fucking Wimbledon out here. Yeah, but it's also kind of the golf look too. It's kind of very similar to golf dresses. It's because all those sexy golf

girls are just out there showing their tits and learning how to put. Well, I'd like to put my dick in your tits. That is a whole

bucket. That is like. My special is out right now on YouTube folks for more quality comedy like that. I get you stealing

your camera, do I? I don't even know. Is this camera just an empty seat of fucking... Have I been out of shot this whole time? Neither of us are in sass. Or in frame, it's both. You should have that little R.I.P. Sass punches.

He's a fucking useless fuck. I can't believe he didn't show up. I cannot believe that he didn't show up for his own podcast. Yeah, you know what? It would have been nice to have him laugh every five minutes and not contribute at all. Yeah, we honestly, I mean, we need a soundboard. Let's give one last call to him and let's see.

Let's see what the fuck, because you literally have to leave in three minutes. I've got ten. I've got ten. I can get out of here at... It's just disrespectful to an unprecedented level. And if he is dead, like, is a kind of a legendary episode. Honestly,

so fun. Thanks for the memes. Thanks for the memes, dog. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Sass,

Sass always had a lot. Sass was never that funny, but he had potential. He was like like for his age he was great you know useless I don't know

very unfashionable never tipped either bad quality in a man terrible tipper doesn't tip for such a blue collar fisherman refuses to give

the working lady a dollar a dock worker for a guy who really knew what it meant to work with his hands and have calluses, he could not.

He had alligator arms, would never grab for a check. He, when I make him tip, he is so mad and sick about it. I'm like, tip the girl. And he's like,

I don't have any smaller than a five. And he keeps everything in cash. Smallest bill I have is a dollar. When you like, go into your wallet in front of a homeless person and like go past the hundred, the 20, the 10, the five, and then like, here's a one. Oh, there was no, I'm toast. Houston, some homeless guy came up to us.

We're all on shrooms down at Skank Fest. And like some homeless guy comes up and was like, can I get some money? And I opened up my wallet and it was like all hundreds. And I was like sorry buddy I can't man like I had to try you can see me

flipping through it I have too much I'm flipping through it just hoping I have way too much money or like I'll turn my back to them as I check

yeah yeah oh yeah see which is like they know they know that I have like too much to give I love that I know

Louis CK had one of the funniest jokes about it where it's like there's a homeless guy near his house and he gives him five dollars

and then Louis goes to the store and he comes back and the homeless guy is still there and he forgets the homeless guy forgets him

so he's like hey can I get some money and then Louis is like no no no I got you already and he goes like what I'm afraid I'm not going to spoil him I should just give him the five dollars I don't need it but he's like no no no I got you already and he goes like like what I'm afraid I'm not

going to spoil him I should just give him the five dollars I don't need it but he's like no no I got you already dude I got you there is like this weird

thing like dude I can't give you ten talk to me next week talk to me in a couple days I don't know when I first moved here

I used to give all the Showtime people money I gave a lot of people money for the first couple of months until i was like this is crazy it's crazy like this is getting crazy now i bought there's like a scam where dudes print out like uh basically like uh shapes they like print out like a shape of like white piece of paper with like a black triangle on it and And they'll sell it as like art. They'll like put it like over like a whole brick wall,

tape up a ton of them. And I like bought some like two or three of them for like $20 a pop. And like thinking I was helping out a local artist. And when I walked away, the dude was literally like, welcome to New York. It's just like,

I just fucking scammed the fuck out of him. It's like, dude, I just gave you $60 out of my pocket for your clip art, dude. That's so funny. Yeah. I might have hung them

on my wall too, like I got something. Sometimes though, if you get scammed, you got to question why you got scammed because I used to work with a girl.

She was an artist. In college, she would paint and she couldn't, she used to sell her paintings on eBay. No one ever bought them. So then she got up

and she made a new profile and she pretended that she was a widower from America who lived on the west coast of Ireland. She lived in Dublin, but she pretended she lived in the countryside. And she was like, my husband died.

I retired here. I just paint the ocean all day. And people like that story. And she was charged $200 a pop for the same shit that was like just... So... Now she's the most famous artist in that is fucking crazy like but banksy even like nobody would give a fuck about banksy's shit except for the story behind him because like he's this mysterious bruce wayne ass fucking batman

fly by night dude yeah and you don't know his face and he like kind of swoops in the story and the mystique around it like no one gave a fuck about van gogh until he fucking chopped his ear off and shit like that like you have to be a fucking psychopath or have some kind of appealing story that is true to want to buy into you no one gives a fuck about what your painting looks like no all paintings kind of look the same dude i don't think art is a real thing now that we're talking about i don't think art is a real thing. Now that we're talking about it, I don't think art is a real thing. Especially paintings, dude. Yeah. Paintings?

Fucking paintings. People are still painting. People are just still painting just outside today. There's someone painting outside. Yeah. I'll take a photograph of that in one second. Of course. And then when you watch,

the painting never changes. You're just watching the same. It's like if your TV froze. And where's the commercial for fucking some sort of opioid I'm not gonna get addicted to. Some sort of push drug. Some sort of...

Give me the Ozempic commercial now. That would be funny if you went into Moment and then you're like looking at some sort of Andy Warhol thing and then out of nowhere it just goes... And then this is like...

A QR code. Dude wipes. Just a little sass is dead hologram like flickers on. R.I.P. Dude wipes. Just a little sass. His dead hologram like flickers on. R.I.P. sass. Dead. I'm glad he died

at this point before his posture turned fully fucking sass. So funny just being at a funeral and like, hello, my name is Emily

or you might know me as younger Sasquatch. The female sass. And then the two parents, I'm Mrs younger Sasquatch. The female Sas. And then the two parents. I'm Mrs. Sasquatch. Oh, my God. Gone too fucking soon, dude. I miss that guy.

Yeah, man. Dude, he was the best. He was going places. He was going to be the next thing. And I'll stand by that. People will listen to his fucking music in five years like Mac Miller, dude. It'll be incredible. Have you guys been

taping these Tuesdays? Is there video footage like a fucking his crowd work at least? Yeah, there's some crowd work bits

that I'll post for him. Once he's after his death? Yeah, I'll put them on my channel. Colm just hit two million subscribers. Colm's YouTube

is going crazy I'm not gonna lie there is a part of me that again like I said with the same with the plane crash if Sass was gonna die

I'm glad it happened today while I'm on the pod and getting the views on my special rather than being at home like a chump oh my god check out my special guys

honestly give it a click YouTube slash Colm Tyrrell and leave a comment saying where's sass or

or IP sass that's another one too or IP sass or IP sass or IP sass rip subscribe to column subscribe to son of a boy

dad up up vote Harry's Harry's gonna get a text we're gonna get a text from him and be like why is everyone telling me to rip sassquatch

what does that mean what does rip sassquatch mean rip his ass a fucking a new one for being fucking late and be like why is everyone telling me to rip Sasquatch what does that mean what does rip Sasquatch mean rip his ass a fucking a new one for being fucking late to his own show

dude well I had fun regardless too that was a lot of fun dude I think we had a better time than that yeah what did you feel that did you feel that folks

wait a second give us a rating in the comments Sas might be fucking out of here we might replace Sas with a with a football do you want to permanently do this because this football has had we have had a mic dump football the entire time yeah you want to you want to take on a board another podcast you want to add another

one to your fucking roster absolutely let's do it let's do it let's talk dude you're welcome we're gonna start going to two days a week you You're welcome to come in whenever you fucking want. Dude, let's get it. Just rock with us. If we did like every other month, like a nooned up Tuesday thing, like a special, like nooned up, nooned up something. So we meet terribly early, like 8 a.m. Yes.

People are walking in at nine and we're fucking. Bombed. Yeah. We're at. Like high noon, standing our teeth. Yeah. It's a clear liquid, but we've still stained our teeth. Yeah, we've got. There's like a ring of it around our mouth it's a clear liquid but we've still stained our teeth yeah we've

it's like a ring of it around our mouth like a wine bread from the noon yeah from high noon but luckily it tastes so good that can never happen

because there's no malt in it and it's I do love its new man I crush them they're fantastic yeah dude you're a legend please

rock with Colm subscribe to all his shit and watch that and all over the country hell yeah colmterrell to all his shit. Don't forget Helium. And all over the country. Hell yeah. ColmTarrell.com. Good shit, brother. That was great.

Yeah, that was hilarious. Walker, I didn't know he forced in like three months.