Son of a Boy Dad - Colum Tyrrell | Son of a Boy Dad #190

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Colum Tyrrell | Son of a Boy Dad #190 -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, son of a boy dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. That's my friend, the fringe dad. Pulls out a razor and goes straight up on my head. He lined my hair. I was like, my jaw was covered in hair. I couldn't believe it. He lined my up and I got, no, no, no, no.

You got to fix this. What's going on? Hey, how you doing, dude? Mr. Midwest. Dude, are you in Iceland today? Yeah. That's what you're doing? Yes.

Damn. That's like the ultimate betrayal. The brotherhood. I guess, if you want. All right, ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you don't have to clap? Sorry, I thought it was a thing.

Welcome back to the Son of a Boy Dad podcast. Today it is Wednesday, April 10th, 2.56 p.m. We are live from HQ3. That morning energy. What the fuck is that? Zooker energy. Our guest today. The weather and traffic coming up in five.

It's a great sadness that I declare another plane has struck the towers. I'm battling a fucking illness right now. You're always sick. You got to get on those multivitamins. I know, I really do. The vitamins. You got to get on those Ampic. Dude, I was getting my...

You do. You're getting pudgy. You're getting pudgy. You got to get on a Zempik. Dude, I was getting my... You do. You're getting pudgy. You're getting pudgy. I'm losing weight. I'm losing weight. I'm a filled out man. Yeah, filled out for sure. No, but you're a grown ass man.

You're about to pop. I'm a grown ass man. You're damn near ready to pop. Oh, yeah. I'm carrying the groceries up and down the stairs all day. You don't know. You door dash. I'm carrying the groceries.

An eight story walk up. I took a the groceries. An eight-story walk-up. I took a big-ass walk-up. Do you actually? That's a two-story, but it's all stairs. It's just all stairs. Two stories is nothing. We used to live on the fifth or sixth floor. They said it was the fifth floor.

I'm pretty sure it was the sixth. Oh, they lied about it. Yeah. They lied. Yeah. Floor zero? Ground zero? Yeah, you'd walk up a floor, and they'd be like,

all right, you just reached floor zero. You'd be like, what the fuck is this? And then there was a 2A, mesaline. Because I can't tell you that's a seven-story walk-up. No. There's no reason anything with seven stories shouldn't have an elevator. I bet you're happy. No, it's crazy.

I bet you're happier then. Getting those extra steps. Exercise. The extra steps changes your life. Sweating. Does it? Oh, yeah. Any exercise? I am exercising. I always exercise. again that was exercise the extra steps changes your life sweating does it oh yeah any exercise

I am exercising I always exercise I exercised this weekend I went to the I did the peloton the gym I love it I exercised this weekend

when was the last time you exercised a while yeah exactly I was actually I was fucking crushing it until I went on tour

and then once you go tour life tour life everything goes out the window because you guys want to like nature walks just protein shakes are replaced by just bud lights for breakfast tour life is crazy our protein shakes even i feel like you have to be working out so much for protein shakes to even be working or you get protein shakes are terrible

for you the core power ones that are 42 ounces or 42 grams of protein but it's just milk you're just getting for some reason they taste better than chocolate milk they're incredible tasting but i feel like they did nothing for me shake ever they just gave me like a flabby front like yeah umpires well you working out or no i was but like not enough i was like doing like cardio and taking protein yeah it was this shit wasn't working. I hit the Peloton this weekend. Did you get in shape? Did it work? It was great.

Yeah? 20 minutes, beginner. Some hot ass spandexed up woman fucking telling you, oh really? I skipped over the lady ones. I didn't want to seem like a perv. It was just me

and one other dude in the gym. I feel like that's the point of having the lady ones. You perv out and get horny on the bike and you're just like. It's motivation.

Nah, that doesn't motivate me. What do you want? You want a guy calling you a loser? Yeah, exactly. come to the party yeah you want to go yeah yeah just a jock you're not a big party of mine everyone there sorry we're all full here it was crazy though it was ridiculous it was like the like the peloton thing they don't seem to be able to they they have a hard time breaking the fourth wall what do you mean like they don't accept the fact that i'm not also in scotland with him riding up these like mountains scotland or scottsdale no it was scotland they were in like the guy was biking in scotland really and he would reference things like i was in scotland too i was like no i'm at a providence

rhode island in the marriott don't they want want you to? In a tiny gym. I feel like they want you to feel like you're transformed to where they are, like you're transported. But I didn't. Maybe there's a setting called, you know, Cotterdell. He'd be like, at the top of this push, we're going to see a spectacular view. Make sure you take a big inhale of that beautiful Scotland breeze air. What's he saying? I swear to God.

Oh, it's a bit misty, but that's to be expected. Good thing you're wearing your rain jacket, young Sasquatch. I was like, dude, when I get to the top of this bush. You're looking a little pudgy, but you wear it well. I get to the top of the bush. Don't throw away that plastic water bottle. There's a trash can at the top of the hill, Sas. Keep it in your pocket, even though it's crunching.

Tailored experience. The fuck is this? How long did you go for? 20 minutes. Yeah? Yeah, it was great. How many cows? Yeah?

6,000 cows. 6,000 cows. Just 20 minutes. You lost 40 pounds in one bike ride fuck this is easy fucking jack do this every other month good to go dude nothing's more eye-opening than figuring out how many calories you burn while doing cardio oh yeah you'll do cardio for 30 minutes and they're like all right you burned 75 calories it's not like when you pump and crush it and you look down. 180. That was half a pack of M&M's. That was one kind bar.

But don't they say you burn 200 calories just by being alive? I think so. And like 175 while you're sleeping or something like that? Yeah, and I would say with Sass, his anxiety is true to roof, so his heart's just all the time. Yeah, he's constantly at a cardio. He's just panicking over slight little interactions. His whoop's telling him to calm down. He's like, he's constantly at a cardio. He's just panicking him over slight little interactions.

His whoop's telling him to calm down. He's like, I'm playing Call of Duty. Oh, man. I played a ton of Call of Duty the last two days. Hell yes, brother.

I'm happy for you. Tell us about the tour, bro. Where did you... Yeah, let's hear about it. Where'd you go? First of all, we gotta say, me and Sass

doing a show. Burlington. Oh, yeah, we're doing a show in Burlington, Vermont in October. Yeah. Co-headliners or what? How's it work? Yeah, it's going to be an assassin column and friends show.

Yeah, we're going to bring a bunch of people out. It's just like a showcase show. We're going to bring some young bucks along. It's going to be a lot of killers. A lot of assassins. A lot of snipers. A lot of grenade launchers. A lot of tank drivers.

Rambo with the fucking knife in the teeth. Exactly. A lot of grenade launchers. A lot of tank drivers. Rambo with the fucking knife in the teeth. Oh, yeah. A couple of wildebeest hunters. I know how you guys roll. Fucking killers only. It's called Sass Column and Friends. A couple of Navy.

In Burlington, Vermont. And then the name of the tour is Uncancellable. Yeah. And there's caution tape all over the sign. Yeah, over your mouth. Well, I tried Triggered, but it was taken. I tried Triggered. Yeah, we there's caution tape all over the sign yeah over your well i tried i tried triggered but it was taken i tried triggered yeah we got

the caution tape for sure i just used my old photo but the sass have to get another one i just used my old the thing that you're really killing is the woke mind virus yeah exactly

oh yeah they're sending us out to burlington with a purpose and we have a little blurb kill these fucking sorry sorry libtards gender neutral batch elsewhere if we showed up

they have a gender neutral bachelor and we're like no no no pronouns in bio here my fucking pronouns are

hungry alright folks and that's the type of joke you'll get that's the shit you're gonna get Burlington, Vermont

and friends October 20th it's a Sunday come on out first show we'll probably sell out. Isn't Vermont low-key not liberal, though? I thought that Vermont has like...

I think Burlington is. Burlington has to be. Oh, yeah. Cities are. That's a hippy-dippy... Burlington's just UVM. That's the only thing there. Okay, so that's the hub of all liberalism.

We're going to go up. We're going to fucking get back to our roots. We're going to do some fishing. Yeah. Have you been fishing with this motherfucker? I have not. No. But I think when I go fishing with him that day, I'll probably just sit there cracking cans, watching him.

Watching him not catch while he puts on his overalls like a dipshit. I'm just going to sit there with my tummy behind me. It's going to be fucking 45 degrees out up there. I'm going to be wearing my shorts. Just door dash some fish door dash some cod it's freezing i got my own burlington vermont in october yeah it's snowing it's right at the end of hunting season two so there's like no there's not even gonna be any fish left at all there's gonna be a couple of old yeah the stragglers that made it they thought

that they made it through the ones that other people pull back are the ones that we get to catch. The swarms, swimming in circles. Burlington, Vermont, come out. It's going to be a big one. Is that part of your tour? Because you're going on like a tour of the places that you went with Ari, and you're going to headline at these spots? Is that part of that?

Yeah, but that was just a coincidence. I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, so Ari had me feature or open, whatever you want to call it. Did you go first? Depends on the show. We flipped it. Me and Ryan O'Neill, LA Comic,

we just switched every show. Which is a problem because then you're like, fuck, did he get the better show? Each one, you're like, did he get the fucking better one? But sometimes going on first is bad. Yeah, that's what happens to me and Francis. Yeah. When we co-headline. Yeah. Sometimes the late spot's better But sometimes going on first is bad. Yeah, that's what happens to me and Francis. Yeah.

When we co-headline. Yeah. Sometimes the late spot's better. Sometimes the early spot's better. And you're so pissed off and you go, oh, I got the late one today. And then it turns out the early show was the one. Yeah. Fuck it.

Yeah. Well, anyway. It was multiple shows in a day? Depends. Yeah. Two shows most nights. Some nights it was one. Jesus Christ.

How many shows did you do? I don't know. 30? Yeah. It must have been at least 30. Damn. Because it was 20 something days. But I was already on the road for a few days.

Yeah, you were in Austin. I was in Chicago. Then I was in Austin. I was in Chicago. You were supposed to do the act. I was supposed to do the act. They canceled on me. I showed up.

The doors were chained. They said, sorry. One of the security guards was there with a fucking red dot on you. They ended up pre-recording. Don't take another step, son. What? Yeah. That's some bullshit.

We would never do that. Well, you know what? To be honest, I wasn't even going to show up probably anyway. I woke up on a Friday. There was nothing getting me out of that bed. Especially not the yak. They pre-recorded and cancelled on a Friday for you

some shit like that damn that's so fucking whack bro you owe them a piece of your mind well you know what Big Cat could have invited me on

whatever hockey podcast pardon my take he could have his field hockey podcast I could have came along

I love the skates his little fucking lacrosse podcast I could have talked puck if you didn't pardon my take you would have sold out 30 shows next time i'll be too big for the for your show mr cat

yeah fuck them fuck you mr cat how was it is it you so you were fucking ari's dog that whole time right i wish oh he's a dog i did sleep with the dog one night they said i fucking because the freak yeah wow that's nice they fucking need yeah i gotta get it get busted nuts hey you know it's like when you're gay in prison if you're if you're if you're fucking tour bus it doesn't count how is it so did you sleep in the tour bus every night every night big long bus like a fucking huge coach. Is it exhausting? Kind of. I feel like I would never, I wouldn't get one good night of sleep.

No, it was good because the curtains come across and blacks it out. And then you're just in this little, you're driving, right? Yeah. It's bouncing around. The problem was,

is if it started driving while you're asleep, that was a kind of a con. But if you, if it was already, it was definitely a con. Yeah. Sorry. That's a gender neutral term in Ireland.

That doesn't mean a woman who's slightly annoyed. Now you're never getting on the hockey podcast. That means a woman who talks a little. With short hair. She talks a little sometimes. That's what Americans mean. It's by someone who has perfectly reasonable things to say. She just spoke up once for herself.

Yeah, that's what that means. She got the wrong order at the restaurant and spoke up once for herself yeah that's what that means she got the wrong order at the restaurant and spoke up for herself fucking cunt yeah unbelievable cunt but I feel like

the rocking on the bus is is nice like to it's like you're like in the womb again it is in the womb

they shake you shake you to sleep a little bit I don't know going to sleep while the bus is driving is fine but when it starts driving while you're...

But it is nice to go to sleep in one city and then wake up just eight hours away and then respond. You're like, straight out. There's no... I could... It sounds awful. Yeah.

No, I don't think it's that bad. It's got to be. It was great. It was a lot of fun. There's never like... What about waking up in the morning? Because you don't wake up in the morning and you don't get to lay in bed for an hour.

I did, yeah. There was no opposite of a curfew really i feel like if i was on the i feel like there's no one like a r with a trumpet like well i like so i do shit on the road right yeah but you don't have to do anything like that you don't have to make you no no most days you didn't do fuck all any most days we were sitting around the bus just fucking scrolling same shit you'd do what's the bus driver like

he was cool he was great yeah his name was Brian or something I can't remember I was sitting at the front

with that guy just blackout drunk ripping cigs for hours on end just both of us just pitching ideas how to fix America couldn't tell you

that guy's name to save my life spent days with him you have no idea who he is I guess everyone was laughing at me because

I guess I get blackout a lot like blackout drunk and I don't remember yeah you didn't know that I just like I know usually I know what I am

but I guess I get blackout drunk a lot more than I think yeah but I know like at one point I was like so I was like, so I was like, oh, you're going to New York?

He's like, yeah, we talked about this. We got tattoos. They also had to realize like, yeah, just don't even bring up what we talked about. The Barstool had a,

like a tour bus driver one time, but he got like a taste of the fame. He would get off of the bus and everyone would be like, yeah, Ted. Like they were going crazy. Because they made a part of the content. Yeah. Yeah, they made a part of the content. Yeah get off of the bus and everyone would be like yeah Ted like they were going crazy because he made a part of the content

yeah he made a part of the content yeah he had a Miss Peaches vibe and then he would just start showing up at events being like you remember me right

yeah Ted the bus driver or whatever the fuck his name was he had a Ted the bus driver jacket yeah selling Ted merch

hope you're doing alright poor Ted now he had a bomber that said Ted I think his name was like said and also the bus driver he was like uh everyone at first like for the first week he's like oh this fucking bus driver's awesome like he was like stories for days and then like a week later it's like oh like he's just showing up at your home oh my god just God. Just popping up. People get a weird taste of it.

But it was like his last lease on life. He was like 70 years old. And he's finally getting a taste of all this fame. He was old. He was crusty. Even if he was 50, he was like 70 presenting. 50 is one thing. 70, you sort of go, no, I'll give him a last little hurrah.

Dude, he might be getting some college poon. That's what it was like. But I think that he was bringing his wife to things after a while, and his kids. Your daddy's doing good. Your daddy's doing just fine. See? Yeah, it's not.

I would all pay off. I'm not just a bus driver. Yeah, the bus driving gig was all meant to be. That's pretty much every barstool person, though. Oh, yeah. That gets involved from something not directly working at barstool and then they just start and then like two weeks later they're like trying to get into a bar being like do you know the fuck i am yeah do you know what the fuck i do i work for fucking barstool

i'll call dave right now this will be a lot easier if you knew who i am yeah people get crazy egos over here someone said this would be a lot easier if you knew who I was. Really? Really? I don't know who you are, so fuck off. Yeah, what? Yeah, some comedian

is a fucking dipshit. That's so insane. I never do. Dude, I was thinking about it. I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of being like, oh, you can let me in because I'm,

like even when I go to the shows that I'm headlining, I wait in line with the people that are checking in for tickets. In Providence. I don't do that. In Providence.

Why? I was waiting in line. Because sometimes it does feel like you're skipping the line. And then you have to go to them, excuse me, I'm on the show. It's also embarrassing to be like, excuse me, I'm actually the reason everyone's having dinner. Yeah. And they don't know?

That's the thing. Usually they genuinely don't know. And you look like you don't look like it. Oh, let me get the thing. Usually they genuinely don't know. And you look like... And they go, oh, let me get the manager. All right! Yeah, yeah. Where was I recently where they just straight up didn't know that I was headlining? Didn't believe you.

And that's a little bit shameful, too, when you're like, the people in the line are probably telling stories like, yeah, Sass couldn't even get into his own show or something like that. Yeah. I did try to do it once a while ago when I was with owen at the purple room we talked about that though backdoor secret not i tried to be mr purple yeah i tried to be like i work at barstool sports and they were like that we don't care at all i thought it would i thought we would be able to get in because our company party was there oh yeah yeah yeah it was right after that that was when you still booze though that was well yeah it was also like four, three, four years ago.

Yeah, you were boozed up trying to go to the hottest club in town. Yeah. Hold on, let me work my magic, fellas. Go to the polo lounge. They got to walk you in right back out of there from the door. Just straight into a bar. They should have that just to make it a little bit easier for people they don't have to turn around humiliation out of you have to do the walk of shame yeah

we're gonna bring you over to our vip area there was a guy we did a show in toronto and we're between shows with me ryan o'neill we're just hanging out at like in the middle there's like a middle middle island big huge room in toronto middle island where they have all the sound techs where some guy comes up he's like yo what's up great show and he's like yo where's the is there like a fucking so like backstage where i can come hang and he was like oh and then the guy was like no come on let me back in i know how it works dude he goes a friend of mine was in fucking like colorado and he went for beers at mark normal at a bar and we were like get the fuck out he said to he left his friends

he goes I'll be right back I'll get us in and we're like we don't know you at all first of all there's no thing there's no after party

thing at all can I come back in there I know how it works let me the fuck in we were set I'm cool trust me but then afterwards

we were fucking upset we were like we could have brought because it was like there's literally like in those big rooms there's like 12 green rooms

yeah that shit's crazy we were thinking just walking them into like one of the rooms and go yeah we'll be back in a second just leave them there yeah just turn the light on i thought it would be funny if we walked them in and then just walked them right back out the back door you should have just the fact that he bullied mark norman into letting or his friend just like tricked mark norman into letting him. But he might, I don't know, Mark might have just been at a bar. Mark was definitely just at a bar and then they saw him there. Sometimes you meet people and they just happen to be at the bar,

so you'll have a drink with them. I don't think he was like, I know how it works. Some people ruin it for everybody else. Like someone who's like a weirdo would ruin it for a guy who'd just be normal and you could have a conversation at a bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd just punish the fuck out of you, just like like talk your ear off or like they're just like generally weird they just want to like cling to you all night and be like you're not that funny yeah oh yeah they

love that shit i'm saying hey what's not you'll get someone coming up to you after they'd be like man my friends brought me i'm not actually a fan of yours at all but uh and they'll be the one that talks to the most yeah the guy who doesn't know you at all he's like yeah actually he'll plant himself next to you be like i saw david tell here a couple months ago he was the best you on the other hand yeah you had some good stuff yeah in there i saw tim dylan like you look you're not it's tim dylan it's tim dylan what you're doing is not tim dylan and then you have to sort of go is he my enemy now i hate him like it's like no reason at all competing yeah now i should be more like tim dylan i go oh yeah is that what you like it's a very weird dynamic because you're talking to this stranger and and you think he's like a fan yeah and then he he makes it very clear that

he's not but he's still like talking in like a friendly tone yeah so you're like am i supposed to like fight you right like i don't know what's what are we supposed to what are we supposed to go for this happened to me in providence rhode island after a rough and rowdy yeah a guy came up to us i was with my friend and another buddy who had terminal cancer and it was like one of our last times hanging out out and this like fourth guy this like punisher came up and he's just like like I don't really fucking see it dude I don't know what everybody else sees and he stayed

with us the entire night just like fucking lingering around I was like no it's fine that's when you start to hear about people like that guy's a real shithead you know just because he's been fucking famous for fucking years you know they talk about celebrities and then he's oh yeah he's dealt with all this stuff

like some guy comes up goes hey can i get a photo on the air they go fuck off yeah because he's been dealing with it forever yeah where he's just like i can't risk it you guys are gonna ruin my fucking night yeah people have like a hard time coming to terms with like people people don't understand why like justin bieber is like a dick to like the pop the pop they're like they're like he has no respect for these people they're just doing their jobs it's like dude he's been dealing with it since he was 13 years old yeah he was just getting fucked in like hollywood parties he was like please can i just have a second to breathe yeah broken in just did he just now ever since i watched the nickelodeon thing now i'm playing,

I'm like guessing who's been absolutely thrown around like a joint. Who's been fucking passed around these Hollywood parties. Well, it was definitely Leo. Leo for sure.

Yeah. And how could you not crack open Leo? Young Leo. Young Leo. Oh my God. That's dangling. I'm not even that into that,

but I'm like, I get it. Imagine when they found Leo the first couple guys who found Leo show me a 14 year old Leo and tell me you wouldn't it was probably like Christopher Columbus you're gonna go home and fuck your dumpy 42 year old wife

or are you gonna crack open your crystal geyser eyed Leo his name alone is hot Leonardo DiCaprio he's like a fucking famous painter with an Italian last name it's like one of those rare birds that they're not allowed to eat anymore but you're rich enough that you can find like what's that bird too long or whatever yeah it's like the filet open that like blowfish that'll like kill you oh yeah unless you eat the right part of it it's just it's look

it's illegal to eat it but i know a guy who can get us. A Japanese guy going to the back door. You ever seen Succession when they eat the bird with the fucking thing? You have to cover over your head. You got to put a blanket to hide the shame.

Because it's so fucking delicious. Oh, yeah. I totally forgot about that. That's how it is fucking Leo. That's a real bird where they fucking... You can't... It's illegal to eat it.

They drown the bird in brandy so that its lungs fill up with fucking brandy and then they fucking deep fry it and then you eat it like a chicken wing that's gonna be a terrible way to die with fuck it or great drowning in bread your whole body is probably just burning or you just get so shit-faced right away yeah fucking pass out yeah no i think it's more i think it's more terrifying oh Oh my God. No, please. I'm just a tiny bird. Do you ever see those ethical ways that they kill lobster where it's like there's two conveyor belts and they let the lobster pick which conveyor belt they go on to and one of them goes back to the tank and one of them goes into boiling water?

That's not – that's almost worse. It's like Saw. It's worse. It's like, no, the lobster chose this. The lobster must have wanted this lifestyle. It's like two roads diverged. Does it say death? Does it say suicide?

Yeah, in lobster. Euthanasia? It's written in lobster braille. It's so fucked that they just like – it's up to the lobster which way they choose. And does he ever get to – and then do you just go back to – like is it every day he has to choose? I don't know. They might go back. I don't know if they go back to the ocean. I've only ever seen the conveyor belt.

Yeah. It's like squid games where the chef's like, you just have – listen, I just have to be lucky once. You've got to be lucky every time. Yeah. There's only one lobster. You live another day, but you're fucked. Then the lobster becomes the head chef though if they make it down to the final one. Oh, yeah.

They get a briefcase of cash they can live good for a while yeah i don't know why they're trying to trick themselves into thinking that they're humane when they're just boiling lobster alive it's gotta be an easier way to kill them than boiling them alive yeah i understand the drowning them in brandy because it like it changes the flavor yeah yeah so why do they boil off i think for freshness i think they just want to keep it as fresh as possible like why don't just like cut its head off i think for freshness i think they just want to keep it as fresh as possible like i just like cut its head off i think the head is the most delicious i mean we're acting like it's not barbaric that we're just eating the body something though there could be something in the terror of of dying that like it initiates some sort of a some sort of a response some

sort of adrenaline that changes the texture of the thing that could genuinely be uh but i thought it was the other way around that like uh because genuinely be a... But I thought it was the other way around. It releases the DMT. There's a toxin. You get a little bit high. But there's people that hunt deer from helicopters with bows and arrow. And they're like... The deer never even knows.

You don't taste the hunt in the deer because you're shooting it in the back of the head. They never know that they've been pursued. So there's like a relaxation. I think that deer is like tense up if they know that they're being hunted or some shit like that. Like an early rigor mortis type of thing? Yeah. That sounds like some Native American horseshit.

I don't taste the hunt. Yeah. The hunt is missing from the deer. There's no hunt in this deer. You'll notice on this one, you can't taste the fear. A little bit of anxiety. See, you must have killed this one from the front instead of the back. Because I'm getting a little bit more anxiety see yeah you must have killed this one from the front instead of the back

because I'm getting a little bit more of a tenderness notes of abject terror also I'm pretty sure once you are dead all of the anxiety and fear goes away and that's kind of the whole I don't know soul versus body you want to discuss abortion next all right who

else was the guy from that movie the notebook he was passed around gosling gosling was well that means that justin timberlake was too then um yeah because they were both in the mickey mouse club i like your logic they call me lake timber lake have you seen that no it's one of the funniest videos of all time no it's it's justin timberlake on stage like an award show we might as well find it and show it to they call me the lake timber lake he was so fucking cool though dude yeah you don't realize when i was like 11, he was the coolest man. You gotta show Colm the video too.

He was the coolest shit. He had a shaved head and he wore like... He's cool as hell. He wore a waistcoat and a shirt. Was that one waistcoat? No, this is a bandana. People shit on him for this, but people don't understand that this was cool. This is...

People don't understand that this was cool. This is. Oh. That was a bit too late. It's time to be. And he dances to the music he's making. Like instruments haven't been invented yet. Like he's trying to please the Roman emperor. It's true. Dancing to your own beatboxing

is pretty cool. It's sick. If you're a one-man show, you're like a kid on the streets of New Orleans or some shit like that. Just tap dancing to your own music. Do you think that's improvised or do you think he wrote that one out? They practiced that. They call me the lake.

Timber Lake. I didn't expect the hips. You always get caught off guard by the hips. Even if you know it's coming, you're like... His beautiful, sexy hips. I didn't know Justin Timberlake until Digging a Box. What do you mean you didn't know him? I didn't know who he was.

You never heard of NSYNC? No, when I was younger, no, never. What? Even NSYNC were probably before my time. I don't remember NSYNC being at their height. Dude, I was like probably 10 when Dick in a Box came out. What year was their last hit? Like 96 or something? No, probably like 2001 or some shit.

No, because he was already solo at that point he was off being solo Mr. Solo maybe 98 98 at the latest I wasn't even born yet I wasn't I was

I was rocking at the Spice Girls dance no room on the no room on the fucking the CD ROM no room on my homemade burnt CD

for no Celebrity the album Celebrity came out in 2001 I think I know my shit when did Dick in a Box come out

Dick in a Box was like groundbreaking must have been 2015 06 06 yeah

same shit I remember finding about finding Dick in a Box and being like SNL is the greatest thing to ever exist I'm going into comedy yeah fuck like, SNL is the greatest thing to ever exist. I'm going into comedy.

Yeah. Fuck, I got to get up on stage yesterday. I need to join these two killers. Yeah. The original two of the 250. That's one and two of the 250. That is. They were fucking merciless. We're big into the 250 here.

What's that? Jorogun says there's only 250 killers. Comedians? Yeah. Well, killers. He said there's like 500, but really there's only... There. Comedians? Yeah. Well, killers. He said there's like 500, but really there's only... There's like 500, but when you really narrow it down to killers... The killers?

There's like 250. And then ones you want to hang out with. All right, first off then... And ones you want to hang out with, it's even smaller. That's what he said? Yeah. I can understand. He doesn't want to hang out with anyone.

I can't imagine him wanting to hang out with a single other human on this planet. He just goes and fucking chills out in his ice pad with a robot. The only person who gets Rogan. Just a deer that he's like calming down so he can peacefully kill it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rogan follows me on Instagram. I know, I saw that. Yeah.

I hit him with a fucking DM. Yeah, what'd you say? I sent him a salute. I sent him a salute. I sent him a salute. No response. Obviously not, dude. I hit him with the salute emoji. I didn't get Alan back for the content.

That means you're on his radar. I guess, yeah. I haven't watched it. You got to do the show. He keeps messaging me like that. I'm busy. I'm slammed. Sorry, dude. I'm doing fucking

I got Tuesday night comedy Tuesday night comedy Every Tuesday, New York City Me and Sass have a show On downtown social I can't miss Tuesday night comedy 9pm, it's $5 I'm pretty sure Sass has never mentioned it

On this podcast No, he never mentions it We've been doing it for 12 months And Sass has never once I've mentioned it on here for sure Weekly New York last night show was legit but he was busy

with his troat I was sick as fuck the troat goat he's always ill on a Tuesday night I feel like I have a fever right now to be fully honest

no bro sorry I woke up with a sore throat as well I was but we were making out furiously this past week you too?

no you were the same fucking game as my dad last night I know. Why didn't you guys link up? Don't even start, because I asked to link up, and you're like, no, he's probably too far away. It's like, dude, we're in the same stadium.

Yeah, but it was like either he has to go down or you got to go up. I would go up. You gatekept your dad from me. What was your dad doing there? That's what everyone's asking. Were you in Milwaukee? In Milwaukee. Yeah, I was in Milwaukee.

They were playing the Celtics. Buffalo or some shit? No, my dad works in Milwaukee. I've said this a thousand times. Is that still working? Yeah. I was in Milwaukee. They were playing the Celtics. Buffalo or some shit? No, my dad works in Milwaukee. I've said this a thousand times. Is that still working? Yeah. You didn't retire? My dad's like 50.

What? You didn't buy your dad a house yet? Your dad knows how to use Pornhub? What the fuck? Your dad knows NSYNC? Wow. I do need to buy my dad a house. You should, bro.

You need to buy your dad a house. You do. You need to at least get him a party. Did you buy your mom's a house yet? I got to give back to my family. I bought my mom's my dad a house. You should, bro. You need to buy your dad a house. You do. You need to at least get him a body. Did you buy your mom's a house yet? I got to give back to my family. I bought my mom's a house, dude. That's the first thing you do. Get your mom out of poverty.

Get her out of the hood. I bought my mom's a house for sure. I got to get my mom out of the rich suburbs of Massachusetts. Yeah, into some shitty, some shitty abandoned project building. You definitely haven't told me your dad works in Milwaukee since I started going there every week. No, I have. A tool company. A tool company?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. The fucking – I will say this is a bad sign for the people of Milwaukee though. The tools, the Milwaukee tool brand, which I've been buying, Loyalty USA. Right. They don't even make it there anymore they sold it to fucking china years ago it's just it's just milwaukee by name what and it's a real cook behavior people

of wisconsin to allow these fucking chinese people to yeah milwaukee yeah what what tools are you buying from them frequently you don't need to buy them that's how good they are you buying from them frequently? You don't need to buy them. That's how good they are. You just buy them once. So what did you buy? Screwdrivers and hammers. No hammers, no. Just the electric tools. You got to buy tape. I got variations of some screwdrivers, different heads.

I got some other bullshit. I got no tools. I got all tools. I got a hammer. What type of man doesn't have a tool? What? I got one hammer and that's it. For killing fucking rodents or something whatever what are you into at home just torturing little animals you capture on the now but i did spend on sunday i spent a

large amount of time uh filling up or replacing my mouse traps with new with fresh peanut butter just trying to find ways to kill the mice. What trap? Are you doing sticky traps? I heard a squeak. You're doing... A squeak's not enough to... What are you doing?

Sticky traps? No, I have these custom traps that this dude made. What do you mean? You found a guy to make them? Yeah, my exterminator. What the fuck is a custom trap? They're like these cardboard, long cardboard traps that have mouse-sized holes in them.

And then there's paper towels in the middle. Because mice like paper. And then there's two traps on both sides that I put peanut butter on. You think mice like paper more than cheese? Just get the sticky fucking glue traps. Fuck them. They're done. I don't like the glue traps.

Well, give them an option. You have one. traps fuck them they're done uh i don't like the glue traps well give them an option you have one the humane way is one sticky trap one and the other one is homemade arts and crafts i'll tell you what's not the humane way here's what i made earlier paper mache how to make a mouse trap at home get your paper roll don't throw it out the glue traps are fucking awful i know and then you wake up and half of their bodies and you go sorry little man at the window that's what we used to do of course we used to have the glue traps and you'd we'd be in our rooms and all of a sudden you just hear no they're screaming like

what the fuck what the fuck? What the fuck? I'll try and move. And then you'd go and you'd just like cover it with a paper bag and just toss it out of the window. I know, I just love it. Yeah, you put a paper bag over his head and shoot it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's not really... Well, the worst was if you tried to kill him

so you could fold it over and then you try stamp on him or something and then be like... Yeah, I don't want to hear that shit. So then you just end up going, I'll just stick them in the trash and go let the fucking nature. You would put it in the trash? I'd just go into a trash, not my, I'd go

to the side of the trash can and just lob them in and go you're out now. It's fine. Sorry mouse. Sorry your fucking species didn't evolve as cool as we did. You fucking idiots. You should have found mushrooms. We dominate. Yeah, you should have found mushrooms. We dominate. Terrence McKenna. Fucking theory right there. We dominate the mouse, the mice for sure.

Dominate them all. Those fools. All of them. Rats still are hanging strong. No, evidently fuck up everything. No, the rats are strong. See a rat type of tweet. That wouldn't surprise me at all.

We'll get to a point where rats will develop languages and shit. We should start giving them mushrooms and just see if it happens for them because they're smart enough where they're not really in people's houses as much they like kind of stick to the sewers like the ninja turtles and shit like that they don't want to fucking busy themselves they got rid of the rats on my street somehow rats out rats probably unionized they went up the road yeah maybe they must have sprayed or some shit because it was getting nuts yeah i'll be in bed and i could hear the rats screaming oh yeah do you ever go over to shake the fucking trash and fucking everyone now no but i was walking home one time from the stand yeah when it comes to rodents i'm i freak the fuck out you're scared of most things dude i was

walking home from the stand and a rat way fucked you up i mentioned the earthquake i was in providence i didn't feel the earthquake it? I know. I mentioned the earthquake. I was in Providence. I didn't feel the earthquake. Oh, thank God. Where were you for the earthquake? Honestly, no idea. Probably the tour bus. On the bus.

On the bus. Oh, you just slept even better. In the deep south. Yeah, we didn't feel it on the bus. Fortunately, it's got some pretty good shocks. Ari was just telling me some fucking funny stories about our friend joe rogan i don't know if i mentioned but he follows me on ig now they mentioned you on his or yeah they brought you up on the pod oh just about but one of the funny it'd be so funny

did they mention you yeah but what they say just killer so no one of the 250 shane was doing an impression of irish people and then mark goes, you sound like Colin Turrell. And then Shane goes, yeah. And that was literally it. That was it. That was the whole... And then Rogan was like,

wait, who? And fucking smashed follow right away. Rogan can't keep up. Rogan went... I'd love if he unfollowed me. It honestly might be the funniest thing of all time

if I just checked one day and he's just, Rogan's unfollowed. Yeah, I've gotten some unfollows. From some famos? Yeah. Like whoan's unfollowed yeah I've gotten some unfollows from some famos yeah like who

Theo unfollowed me on Twitter Vaughn yeah on Twitter but this was a while ago interesting

he like followed me for like an hour well then you shouldn't you shouldn't have been so anti-Israel with all your tweets I knew you have you heard

this anti-Israel shit he fucking tweeted pig fucking Natis Yahoo needs to die he says damn the combination Have you heard this anti-Israel shit? Anti-Israelist pig. Fucking NatasYahoo. He needs to die, he says. Damn, the combination of Netanyahu and MatasYahoo.

I took a swing. As Jewish as hell. NatasYahoo. NatasYahoo fucking rules. What is a NatanYahoo? Don't ask if he's fucking there, to be honest. I know. Bibi, they call him too now.

Like he's a pop singer, some shit. Who? Benjamin Netanyahu. They call him B.B. B.B.? B.B.? B.B.? Yeah.

Who is this? B.B. like to drop some bomb. B.B. like to drop some bomb on the Palestinian. We're dropping the fucking al-hamas, man. Who's B.B.? Pardon the rhyme. Netanyahu? Bombing the boys and guys. Bomb the clout. Rush clout. Who's BB? Netanyahu?

Who else unfollowed you? That's it. From the goats? No, someone else did, didn't they? I feel like you told me about someone else. I don't fucking know.

Your Twitter game is trash now though. Let's be honest. Someone was saying I was washed. He's retired. Someone hit me with that Shaq meme

of him on the Celtics. And they said, I tweeted something and they said, Shaq on Twitter in 2024 and it was Shaq on the Celtics. It's true though.

You built up two accounts with like massive followings and then just abandoned both of them. No, the pressure got too high. It got too high. It was too high. Because every time he sent a tweet, he was like. Yeah, I couldn't do it anymore. And you low key would like delete shit.

Oh, I always would. Yeah. What, you tweet and delete real quick? Oh, constantly. Or you would scan for old shit where you go, I can't have that. No, I would constantly just tweet and delete. Tweet and delete, yeah.

Twitter sucks. I don't like Twitter anymore. But it would be because you got awesome interaction, but it's like, no, this isn't trending to do 400,000 likes. Exactly.

I was like, this is not healthy. You got to get back on there, dude. Twitter blows. You should just go on and have some fun. Do you have any fun online? You should start a new burner for real

I have fun on Reddit You're on Reddit? Yeah, I have a ton of fun on Reddit What do you do? Looking at porn Fair enough, it is a good one It's a dizzy, dizzy scroll I had to delete an account

I had a porn account I had to delete it It was like, this is the devil You were posting porn? No, I wasn't posting porn No The people who post porn are fucking crazy the guy who goes i need to share this to the subreddit ass i gotta

i can't be the only one jerking off to this who's got the most amount of reddit points on this i need to spread out how many people are jerking off to this i cannot be the only one shouldering this. That's the funniest thing about Reddit port is you can just look up like body parts. Dude, it's so funny. And then you come across a chick and then it'll be called like, yeah. And they, those crazy subreddits called like lick it and flip it. And you go, what is this?

And you go, follow. I always immediately then go because there's like hot and new and all this stuff, you gotta go top all time. Let's see what the fellas here have voted. Oh yeah. What is democracy? What is the best post of all time? I like to go to controversial. What are people arguing about?

It's a chick with a dick all the time. Every time it's just some chick with a dick and everyone fighting it out. Everyone is fighting it out in the comments mods mods clearly gave up on this fucking reddit it's the wild west out here some of the names are just mods where are you yeah this is the seventh trans person posted under r slash ass this week r slash not trans this is clearly a non-trans reddit r slash back of knee it's like how are people attracted to this yeah yeah you can go in and they break it down yeah hanging hanging heels or something yeah yeah no no oh arched heels that must be a big one arched feet oh yeah oh that ain't an arch and then they have like the fucking yeah that's an arch i'm pretty

sure there's full separate apps for just foot stuff alone. Oh, foot Reddit? Is it different? Yeah, maybe. Like Feet Finder. Oh, yeah. I always get like, I used to get DMs from them being like, want to make an account for With Us?

And I would, no. Obviously not. Why would I want to do that? I had a boy who would, he was tight for cash and he would go to somebody's house and they would, like, look at his, and like, take pictures of his feet,

like, up close. Wow. Like, for thousands of dollars. There's a comedian from Canada. His name is Trix.

He works at a bar. Black dude? Yeah. He's hilarious. Yeah. But doesn't he do, like, Jamaican type shit

or whatever? I don't know. I don't know any of those. But he has, like, he has a funny bulbous face. Yeah, he's a yeah but doesn't he do like a Jamaican type shit or whatever I don't know I don't know he has like he has a funny bulbous face yeah he's a funny internet face yeah so

he got he had a bit of a scandal up in Canada what yeah so he was like working for some like modeling agency

and they were looking for feet models yeah male feet models and so he he was working with the agency so he would like message all these young open mic male comedians going, hey, send in some photos for your feet.

I'll send them on to the company. And then you could get $1,000 if they pick you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Great.

Cool. Whatever. What? Turns out he did it to all the boys and there was no company at all. He was just like, he's into white boys feet. What? yeah that guy's hilarious that's so funny i was right he is funny and he's a genius yeah and then he's like no i never did any of that and the people are like no you did it to me you did it i'm one of the victims you can't tell me that that was like a rumor yeah yeah i have the cum tribute printed out photos of my dick.

It's so fun. Or my feet. Put some lotion. Just drop some lotion across your feet real quick. Don't rub it in. Just have dick blobs of lotion on your... Show a little bit of ass in there. That's kind of funny, though.

Like, were people mad? I don't know how mad they were. There's no way any of these dudes were like, I was taking advantage of them. Well, that's the beautiful thing about being a man. You just go, ah, you got me. You got me. All right.

But I'm going to be fucking more judicious next time. You're not going to get me again. Pull me twice. If someone hit me up and they were like, send me pictures of your feet for $1,000, and then I sent my feet, and they were like, psych, I wouldn't be like. No, of course. I'm going to have to get into therapy about this we're doing a class action lawsuit you ring daddy hey i need a cease and desist quick took advantage of me yeah now they

just have my feet my feet are out there for everyone to see yeah but if a guy did that to chicks um and he's a devil dude oh yeah dude there's a guy who used to work here this guy joshie crocks you know this You know who I'm talking about? Joshy Crocs. Joshy Crocs. No, I don't think I do. This guy, Joshy Crocs. Josh DM?

No, no. This other guy, Joshy Crocs. He was like, his brain did not work. There was a disconnect between his brain and his eyes. Because I tried to have conversations with him. Be like, this is what you should do. And he's just like a fucking weirdo psychopath. him be like this is what you should do and he's just like a fucking weirdo psychopath but after he after he left barstool he created a fake agency where he would get uh like minority models jobs or

some shit like that he would act like he like the middleman he would act like he was this like uh modeling agent for like black women yeah and just And just like get them jobs and like take a percentage of it under the guise that he I think also was a black woman or some shit like that. Legend. I like it. I like it. Get deeper. Yeah, exactly. And he would type all black emails, would he?

Yo, girl. He must have. Because I think he got multiple women on it and was taking parts of their influencer campaigns and shit like that. He would take thousands of dollars off of these women. Just a complete psychopath. Which is even a step up from this dude, Trix,

who's just... He's just jerking off. Trix is just doing it for the love of the game. Trix is for kids. Yeah, there's no money involved. He's just hazing these boys. He's just hazing these boys. If he's not even jerking off

just making them feel taken advantage of that's all time funniest thing you could ever do yeah just make them feel like they're

on the verge of feet stardom have you ever talked about did you ever hear about the Nick Mullen from Compton

and pretending to be a Down Syndrome girl online no what when he did Nicole Mullen no

so there was a guy in la he was exposed as being this absolute creep i don't know exactly what he did but he was like a second city improv guy yeah and he had a bunch of like allegations against him and then when they were putting that out someone was like oh you need to talk to nick mullen about that guy nick mullen was on plenty of fish and he created this is like just something he did when he was in his early 20s. Yeah.

He created a fake account as like an underage Down syndrome girl. So then he would just like, and he would just go on there all day talking to a man. Like he was just killing time. What the fuck? And he came across,

he matched to one of the comedians. Yeah. That comedian was a creep and the comedian was like oh yeah i love it he's like a virgin come off to my house all this type of shit yeah so then nick was able to fucking post the receipts like yeah yeah this guy's a major fucking creep that's actually able to catch him in the in the scene because it was like a lot of bubbling but they could never do anything and nick was able to go no this guy is a creep have you ever read that one the funniest things yeah even like it's funny to go online or if you're a underage girl going online you probably wouldn't lead with the fact you have down syndrome oh yeah like you probably want to hide it like you just google it's the one place you don't have to have down syndrome

girl like that's that's good and then the best thing is you can just use multiple photos of multiple people you didn't have to worry about it. You didn't have to worry about it. I don't know. The guy was loving all of it. Have you ever read his old Nicole Mullen? I've read one or something, yeah. Did you read the abortion one?

The pro-abortion one? No. It went viral and then Alex Jones did an episode about it on InfoWars. Oh, wow. Where he read it. Oh, because he thought it was real? He thought it was real. That's so funny.

Because I think Nick Mullenullen said like uh he said getting an abort he said he was like i'm so pro abortion that it feels good for me and he was like i love getting abortions he's like it reminds me of like i'm getting he's like it feels like i'm getting scraped out like uh like polishing off a pint of ben and jerry's on me night and alex jones was reading it in his like crazy voice yeah and he's like this is the devil it was so fucking funny gotta find that i just tried to watch his documentary uh the alex jones one i saw that on netflix right but they just go immediately into like listing the names of the kids that died at sandy hook oh yeah of course like bro can we just fucking like poke jokes at this the psychopath dude instead of having to do a vietnam vietnamese memorial of the fucking the fallen children i tried to watch alex jones on rogan and it's like

it's dude it's like crazy like rogan has to be like all right alex deep breaths deep like bring it down bring it down so used to fucking yeah the backlash now that he has to like fucking yeah yes i watched his actual show recently where do you even watch it it's on just infowars.com or something okay i don't know where but when i say recently it was a few months ago but i was like tried to sit you out I was like what's going on and he's just talking about how and don't more people watch it was during the King Charles

fucking what do you call it the day he became king the inauguration or whatever coronation yeah yes aren't you a loyal subject to him

Loki shut the fuck up he hates the royal family don't you bend the knee to them and have them on all your currency or some shit? You don't have the accent, rich kid. Yeah, fuck off, dude. How come you say water correctly?

What's that about? I can code switch. You don't think I can code switch real quick? I know who you relate to in the fucking eight mile, you fucking homo. Why do you hate the royal family? I did go to a private school. Every time someone in the royal family dies,

you're celebrating on Twitter. Of course, it's fun. It's ironic. And that's their culture. That's the Ireland culture. Yeah, they controlled us for 800 years. Yeah. They took over Ireland and just wouldn't give a fuck.

But they didn't control you. No, but... But they genocided the Irish people through a fake famine. Bring on a fucking black guy and talk about slavery real quick, Liam. I'd love to see what happened to you. Come on, man, that was weeks ago. You were never a slave.

Who was that artist that died? Your sister was attacked, but you weren't. Who was the artist? Sinead O'Connor? Yeah, were you upset when that happened? No, I couldn't care less. She's a good artist. Did you cry? Yeah, I couldn't care less. She's a good artist. Anyone with good songs. Did you cry? Yeah, you definitely did. You canceled on Tuesday Night Comedy that night.

You said, I got to take a personal, guys. This is way too much. When she burned the picture of the Pope, she was like, It is unconscionable. I know that was a big celebration. I love her flow. Can't be fucking mocking Sinead. I like the shades. Yeah, out of respect. You're getting teared up. I love her flow. Can't be fucking locking Sinead. I like the shades.

Yeah, out of respect. Because you're getting teared up. You're tearing up. You got to go to shades on. Let me shave my head out of respect. It was a dark day. She was a good artist, actually. She was great.

What is that one song where she's like talking? And our bums and our guns. No, that one's a banger. That's that. I don't think that's her. Cranberries. Where are they from? Cork. The lyrics are written.

Also dead. Also dead. All these good singers die. But again, it's like they never die at the peak of their fame. It's like, oh, when people die, it's like, yeah, they released an album four years ago. No one listened to it at all. Right.

You're pretending. You're like, oh, I fucking loved her. What is that one song that she has that's like the lyrics are like, it's all about, she did it on like a fucking Tonight Show or something and she's talking about the potatoes or whatever. Wow. Is this an ambush? Have I been ambushed, dude?

No, I'm on your side, bro. Have I been ambushed? Do you have any Irish in your voice? What are you, Nelk Bros now? Fucking Nelk Bros? Been ambushed here. Don't fucking call us Nelk Bros. You guys are Nelk Bros now fucking Nelk Bros been ambushed here don't fucking call us Nelk Bros you guys are Nelk Bros

for sure don't fucking do it bro just after this we're gonna cut to a clip of of Sas like screaming in some old woman's ear Sas goes down to Walmart

and screams in an old woman's face just flips over her grocery cart NELK BROS yeah pour shit on a woman on the train yes this one it's turned off someone's life support machine no bros she says uh she's like

she's like see irish people were only allowed to eat potatoes all of the other food meat fish and vegetables were shipped out of the country bars yeah you laugh bro the way you say it that's how she says it in the song yeah because it's fucking deep it is deep do you know i don't think you understand no i get it i don't think you understand i get it if you read it on a surface level you know what it actually means though can you actually understand what that means we're gonna have to take you to fucking uh ireland to do the work yeah i don't know if you art is like they're not saying exactly what she means it's like it's she was saying something else there's a shrouded meaning to it there's layers so what was she

saying that that never you're stuck on the surface she's saying she's saying she's saying that we only had potatoes to eat all the rest of the food was taken with english you don't get it bro sorry chad went over your head go back to playing lacrosse You don't get it, bro. I can see where that was mixed up in the lyrics. Sorry, Chad. Went over your head. Go back to playing lacrosse. Go back to your hockey podcast. We understand what it was like to be on the Janie Johnson. Shout out to the Irish.

Shout out to the Irish. Did you watch The Crown? Did you watch The Crown? Yeah, I did. Yeah. I actually liked it. It was good. I didn't like...

I like it when they talk about how do they keep this fucking racket going. Yeah. Like that... The royal family or any patriarchy that survives is interesting to me. Because they don't have a product and they've sat down and go,

how do we keep these cunts in line? What was The Crown? Does it detail the bad parts of the royal family or is it just a suck fest yeah they show like princess Diana dying and shit like that

that's not the bad no not enough no not like they that's a suck fest princess Margaret is it she had a kid they said they fucking

they did actually talk about all the retarded cousins yeah it was like there was like a home of retarded cousins that they found in the 70s really

yeah you don't remember that episode no it was a major episode I saw like three episodes oh yeah then I just skipped to Princess Diana dying

there is a home there is a home where they just found out turns out they had all these cousins and stuff they put them on they just loved them in a home was that at least

like a beautiful castle or like an estate or something like that it wasn't our grandparents home but it was still outside of the public eye that's crazy

then they have to come out and make a big press release going sorry couple of tarts in the family what was wrong with them they're inbred halfbred

they had like down syndrome black I see should have just led with that segregation early segregation dude the Kennedys

did the same thing though they had like a cousin or like one of the Kennedy daughters that they just like clap lip they chopped their brain off

basically they're just like this woman cannot function what's that called lobotomy yeah they lobotomized her they lobotomized her did they really lobotomized her I'm pretty sure they did Or at least

They at least like singed her brain They at least gave her like some electromagnetic Or electroconvulsive therapy Yeah I think she was already I think that she was just like Exemplifying Just like individuality She wanted to think for herself.

Yeah. And they just had her drawn. I think that's how the whole body works. It's just one, just done. Here's a real question. If you were to talk to someone who really understands politics and like public relations and everything, will America ever get to the point where they can have a president

who has a retarded son yeah joe biden why hunter biden's pretty much no no he's a legend he's a fucking he's the high school fucking legend dude yeah he's just off yeah i think absolutely you could that's probably like that's gonna get you elected yeah that would be ideal i thought you're gonna ask if there could be like a down syndrome president. No, not that. That's crazy. I was going to say probably not. George Bush?

Right? Am I right? Iraq War? But I would say. Painting all the time? Absolutely. You think he's in the middle of giving a speech and then the kid's screaming? Yeah, I don't think anyone's going to be like, well, no, you can't be president because you have a Down syndrome.

You're going to get that photo of the inauguration thing and he's like facing your way tackles one of the fucking secret security like yeah he's saying that would do that i'm barred down a couple of the fucking cia dude that would be more acceptable than having like uh like a son who's a prostitutes every night now america won't america doesn't settle for that oh i think they would, for sure. Deep, deep, deep down in Grange. I heard that Barron Trump's nonverbal.

Yeah. I heard that he has nonverbal autism. Yeah. Nonverbal's not a bad one, though. That's just like, shut the fuck up. That's a nonverbal.

You want one someone who... I want verbal. I want two verbal. Yeah, girls are attracted to nonverbal. They're like, oh, he's strong and silent. Mysterious.

Yeah, he's like tall, dark, and handsome and silent. You probably couldn't be president with a son who has Down syndrome because they would be telling all the secrets. They might. No, they won't remember it, will they? Yeah, absolutely. He just walks out with a big book one day. Yeah.

I found this big book. A secret book. Where he has like an alien in a headlock. Yeah. He's just like dragging him from the fucking bowels of the White House. I don't know. You guys have more faith in the American people than I do. I think if you're running with a retarded kid, you're fucked.

If they ran against Trump. I think you're fucked. His son is retarded. Look at this son. Big head. Son. Eyes too far apart. I see him drooling right now.

One's over here. One's over here. She loves the bottle. Drank while pregnant. Loves the bottle. When fucking. Blue facing. one's over here one's over here she loves the bottle drank while pregnant loves the bottle when fucking blue facing Chris Sean Rock you showed up there

at the bay when I was trying to Trump as you he's right there I see him he's looking at me looking at the ceiling

I could hear him stomping before I even saw him from the other room trashing about locked in there a little old for picture books little old dog who doesn't allow visitors trump would rip on your part yeah that would definitely happen

i think yeah i think you're right i think you're right in the sense that i don't think it would be possible to think something like that would happen but i think i don't think people would be mad if the president had a son with down syndrome i think that no i think they just won't vote i just i think there's a part i don't think i don't think people would be mad if the president had a son with Down syndrome. I think they just won't vote. I think there's a part of them. I don't think Down syndrome people have like haters. I don't think people – there's people out there who are like, I can't stand Down syndrome people. I think it's a subconscious thing.

You see a Down syndrome person on the street and you're like, Jesus, fuck it. No, no, no, no. He's the man. But I'm not – what's his dad do but I'm not his. I'm not. What's his dad do? I'm not shopping. I'm not shopping at your dad's hardware store. I'm definitely buying the nuclear power plant.

There's definitely a lot of successful people. You're getting my energy. But they keep that behind closed doors. They don't lead with that. Yeah, that's true. They they don't leave it would be something that like they found out about like the day of the election oh yeah by the way like no it would be like some uh the opposing party would be like drop it yeah let it out now oh we got it it's perfect we have a bombshell drop it during the debates yeah it's funny that you say that. I guess it was a big deal when Dick Cheney had a lesbian daughter. Yeah. Did he?

People were like, and he was gracious about the fact that he had a lesbian daughter, so they're like, it's okay that he fucking bombed those kids. What was his position? He was vice president, but they said he was the most powerful vice president of all time. Yeah, I got to learn about this con, because everyone's always talking about how evil he was. They say that he was like the puppet master behind Bush. And he loved just... There's a great movie about him. Oh, yeah. He got off on that?

Yeah, he would blow the... Dude, they said that when 9-11 happened, they were in like the little protection room, like the hiding room in the White House, and he was on the phone with his lawyer. Well, I'm just saying. Everyone else was like freaking out, and he's calling his lawyer being like what can we do what can we get how much can i do what's not a war crime yeah figure out what the geneva convention says yeah what's collateral damage just licking his fingers and

like counting hundred dollar bills as he's on the phone with raytheon like a fucking roger ailes was like that too roger ailes showed up and he's like fucking we're showing those fuckers jump out the buildings and because all the others CNN are like no that's kind of disrespectful yeah Roger Ailes with Fox News was like no zoom in on that guy falling well he's and then he invented the flag they they co-opt the flag they were like we're the freedom fucking channel Fox News it was fucking sick dude that guy was fucking that guy ruled yeah and then he just like pressed the button and had like five anchors come in and give him the sloppy toppy

he had a fucked up broken penis or something because he had blood clots or something that's what they say all these guys had they said that Harvey Weinstein had a fucked up

broken penis what comes first they said that his was from that he they took like too much like Viagra and shit like that to the point where

it like Weinstein erodes I think yeah Weinstein like was just getting his, his doing all he could to get his dick up. And then it like eroded the fucking foundation of his penis to the point where it was just like a Coke nose.

Yeah. He had already Lang's nose as a dick. It was just fully collapsed in on itself. You would think if you're at a point in life where you have to take so much Viagra that it's breaking your penis to have sex, you probably wouldn't be, like, raping people, right? That's the defense they want you to have. Well, no. I'm saying, like, that's crazy that he did that because you'd probably be like, time to hang up.

He's so insistent on rapists. He's such an insatiable rapist that he needs to keep on doing that. He's like, I got to get more Viagra so I can keep raping. It wasn't Epstein's was shaped like an egg is that what they said yeah an egg cock oh I've heard that too where did I hear that

I heard that recently funny me yeah I bring it up every part of it it's so funny having an egg shaped penis is so funny

it is something hilarious because it's not like that implies that it was also thin at the bottom yeah it's thin at the bottom and at the top yeah like it was

barely hanging on it's like when he's getting it in there it's like the first it's like a big shit where you go at the bottom. Yeah. It's thin at the bottom and at the top. Yeah. Like it was barely hanging on. It's like when he's getting it in there it's like the first half it's like a big shit where you go I just get past I get past the crown.

Like a butt plug. Yeah. You just got to get past the first half and you're done. The second half's easy. You can't even get it out. Taking it out is the tough one.

Take a deep breath. But that Roger Asgore had some sort of what's it called hemoglobin or some bullshit where your blood doesn't clot. Hemophiliac? Hemophilia?

Yeah, you just would bleed out. So that's what, he had some fucked up shit with his dick. Oh really? Yeah. Poor bastard.

Roger Ailes. See, he was the real victim. Poor fuck. But there's a good Dick Cheney movie. Yeah, Vice.

Yeah, keep me on the watch. I just never did it. It's with Christian Bale and he's fat as fucking it oh yeah that was like one of his last ones that he did before they were like you can't do this anymore or you will die oh you had to stop yo-yoing the way he got old and fat for it he got super old for the role and then he did batman did Batman like very soon

after that too I think he's just fluctuating fucking yeah well it's just steroids right yeah that's what

Frank the Tank's doing too yeah he's just fluctuating you seen how skinny Frank the Tank is who's that looks like you the guy that sports the Mets

yeah you know Frank the Tank don't pretend like you don't know Frank the Tank we're talking about the real tough boy who's that yeah he's skinny yeah that's him right there you say he looks like me that's Frank Yeah. You don't Frank the Tank. Don't pretend like you don't know Frank the Tank. You know exactly who we're talking about. The real Nuff Boy. Who's that skinny now? Who's that?

Yeah, he's skinny. Yeah, that's him right there. You say he looks like me. That's Frank. Just a disinterested boy. That's so fucked. Are you really starting a podcast with Lewis? Yeah, I'm trying to get him to start a pod with me.

I would like to do a pod with Lewis. Lewis is a lot of fun. I like this news fest. Oh, this is like the hottest podcast in New York right now. Are you kidding me? I brought a fucking president's retiree. Ever since Matt and Shane left, it's like we honestly might be top dogs in New York. That's why I've heard.

You might be biggest in the city. I've heard you guys, yeah. We're biggest in the city. You guys are the new Matt and Shane. Yeah, who's bigger than us? You guys are the new Matt and Shane. That's what everyone's saying. Most.

Except for most. Except for... The bonfire. RU Garbage. RU Garbage is huge. RU Garbage is crazy big. It's not even close to how big it is. Yeah, they're way bigger than us.

Every month you look back and their episodes get like millions of views. Yeah. You can tell that they're big because they're the one that Burt is just suckling at their neck, just bleeding them dry until they go on to have their own arena tours. That'll be us next, though, Seth. Yeah. Burt spots talent.

He spots talent. He spots talent. Yeah. Suckles. Spots talent. I'm going to start spotting talent and just – Burt's another guy who follows me on Instagram. Should I DM him?

Give him a salute. Haven't you met Burt like 10 times? I've met him. I should text him. I go, yo, King. What's up, Instagram. Should I DM him? Give him a salute. Haven't you met Bert like 10 times? I've met him. I've met him. I should text him. I go, yo, King. What's up, King? Should I text him right now?

Give him a salute. Yo, King, on a pod. Do you want to ring in? No. He would ring in. I go, hey, Bert, we're talking some dish right now. Yeah. Talking some dish about you.

We need a story. Love for you to ring in. Barstool Sports, you know the fellas. Oh, yeah. We need a phone and some glass when we need a story from Bert. Bert would leave his daughter's christening to ring in

it's like yeah the operational table I gotta take this what is it we met him and he did the yak once yeah

no and he was on steroids at the time he's always on roids is he still on steroids all these boys are on roids and all sorts of shit yeah they're all still on steroids performance the time. He's always on roids. Is he still on steroids? All these boys are on roids and all sorts of shit, yeah. They're all still on steroids?

Performance enhancing. That's crazy to be a comedian and just be on steroids. Well, the steroids aren't so that you can fucking shave some time off your swim lap. It's so you fucking,

your bones don't hurt when you're old. It's not like he's trying to fucking launch a javelin in a trip 10 miles so he can drink more next month. It's so that his back doesn't hurt

when he gets up in the morning kumail kumail though was on him for for to be in like for a movie yeah they're all on movie yeah i don't think i would want to be like a jacked comic don't worry about it take a take the edge off but if i got like huge i don't think i would want to be like who wants if a comedian if you're at a crowd member in a comic club on stage and he's wearing a fucking he's wearing a fucking what are those shirts those shirts that are always on instagram like skims the kim kardashian shirts no those cuts yeah what's a cut the ones that they're always doing the ads and they're like, it really defines the shoulders,

but it leaves a lot of breathing room for the gut area. Oh, the back. It's just a normal t-shirt. Yeah. But it's like this. It's true classics. They sponsor my- Yeah, true classics.

That's what I'm thinking of. All these shirts are just like, yo, are you a fat tub of shit? Yeah. Yeah? It's actually your shirt, bro. And then they show- It's actually normal to have a gut at 22. Yeah.

Don't worry about it. Yeah. You're just a dadless- You're just a sonless dad. they make it seem like you'll have huge biceps and shoulders if you put them on yeah yeah it's like dude i still have skinny bitch ass arms dude they show a guy who's like has a dad bod and is fat and they're like they're like why do i look so fat and it's like him wearing a gray t-shirt and they're like and then it pans to other dudes like because you're not wearing true classics yeah but the dude that's wearing the true classics also has like washboard six-pack abs yeah and it's like dude you could have put that guy in anything and he would all these

because he's jacked there's a lot of shirts out now for the flabby man yeah and none of them work yeah that's yeah we're just like uh 10 years behind women who are designing all of their clothes to be like flattering for their body types. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That everything like high-waisted jeans, like everything was supposed to be like push-up padded bras, shit like that. I need a shirt. The only shirt that is flattering for my body is a shirt that has – that's so boxy that it has like edges on it. Yeah, you need like change.

There's like an edge on the shoulder. You need something like armor. You need an armored plate. Like Dave Byrne and the fucking... That band that he's in. The Smiths? Talking Heads. Talking Heads.

That's what I need. A wide-ass suit. That's the only shirt that is like hiding your body. Everything else, you're gonna figure it out at some point i got francis isn't there jack the fucking idiot i'm new francis i'm new francis sorry francis you're gone you're back to prep school prep school got his ass you didn't go to prep school though did he really of course his dad invented the cia right yeah some shit like that yeah fuck how did you know that?

Are we not supposed to talk about that? No, no. Is that genuinely a secret? I didn't know that. Is that true? Yeah. His grandfather or someone was one of the original CIA guys. And he tried to get in or something like that? He's a test tube baby, too.

Francis? Yeah. Damn. I didn't know you guys were so close. Yeah, he told me. Test tube baby. He crawled out of the test tube. You should see his twin brother.

Jesus Christ. He Jesus Christ little fucking he's on a fucking plantation in fucking England with the rest of the fucking royal family he changed our radiator we had a doggy bowl of caviar in front of him

yeah just eating with his fucking mouth hands behind his back I love the idea Francis having a fucking disgusting twin brother yeah like Danny DeVito exactly

twins yeah schwarzenegger really funny what did you say bro short to what oh shit you know what i fucking said don't say it again no apologies no apologies on the uncancellable tour burlington october 20th presented by black rifle coffee we're gonna say some fucking we're gonna hey we're gonna say some stuff so leave the chick at home all right fellas leave the girl at home because we're gonna say some only dudes and fat chicks only not cool some cool cunts can come cool cunts but rogan's gonna hit you up and be like the only day i can have you on is october 10th and you're gonna to have to be like, no, I'm in Burlington. Sorry, Harry.

The uncancellable tour must go on. Sass is doing this heavy lifting. I'm dropping you for Joseph. Hell no. No, bro, don't do that. I'm a Sunday flight to... That's crazy. We'll cancel the tour right now. Sunday flight to fucking Austin, paying the ass.

I'd rather drive to Burlington. Austin's a fucking terrible place. The 250 have to stick together. Oh, you're going to Austin Next week right Moon Tower yeah Yeah that'll be fun Is it

I'm trying not to drink I opted out Trying to do a Cap City or what All over Just a bunch of places No one's ever heard of First year not doing it

In a while I know Same for me honestly Yeah Me and Roman Last year was That was truly one of the worst weeks Of my entire life

What were you doing last year I was so fucking sick What You're my entire life last year i was so fucking sick well you're always sick i that last year i was really sick i remember way i would wake up and i'd just be like gliding through my sheets just soaked in sweat and i'd be like all right time to take 10 advil and go do a five minute set at anton's i know that's something every every single show i have is there's a club you've never heard of playing bookies bookies gas station it's a library yeah yeah yeah going in and it's a lot of la people it's all that so you'd go up in between like someone would have like a sword on stage

oh someone would be like swallowing swords on stage i've got a couple of new york ones i've also got the international one where it's like me and some guy from fucking serbia who fucking does an impression of a fucking dog you know yeah it's like there's nothing worse than when they go oh this guy he's incredible and he goes up what's the deal with weather yeah there's some there was an irish cunt that that slagged you off last last year wasn't there oh yeah irish comic slagged you off last year, wasn't there? Oh, yeah. An Irish comic? Slagged you off?

He's not Irish. Isn't that weird? The fuck is he? American. He's from California. Oh, my God. What? Yeah.

Didn't he have an Irish accent? No. I thought he did, but he doesn't. He's not Irish. Shame so real. I think this dude has to be Irish. I looked it up. I researched this guy.

Yeah, because he fucking bodied Sass. Bodied me. Put me in a bag. The fucking... Sass's mic wasn't working. Dude, it was one of those times. Have you ever been up on stage? This actually happened to me in San Diego. The mic kept breaking on stage.

And... Just crushing too hard. Just crushing. Couldn't take the... Yeah, the mic. Couldn't take the levels. The system completely crumbled. I can't hold it, Captain.

The screws are fucking breaking. I was doing a show. He's too funny, Captain. I was doing a show. Too funny, Captain. I was doing a show at Moon Tower. Nothing to make it. At a bar.

It was a bar show that was a part of Moon Tower. Yeah, of course. And I went up and the mic broke while I was on stage. And it was like I was getting so much feedback from the speaker. Yeah. So I'm trying to do my jokes, but it's just. You were also like one step out of the spotlight. Like the spotlight was like right here.

It was a shit show. It was a disaster. The spotlight is a disaster. It was a disaster. It doesn't take much for you to step back and go, oh, that's better. It was a disaster. The spotlight is a disaster. It was a disaster. It doesn't take much for you to step back and go, oh, that's better. It was a disaster. It's just on your cuff. Eventually, I got to a point.

It's a seven-minute set. Or no, this was 12 minutes. And it got to a point where. Stretch your legs a little bit. Hey, Captain. He's trying some stuff out. Hey, Chief Stretch. I found four at the back for you.

I found four minutes for you but it got to a point where i was like hey i'm there and i'm like hey is that can anyone fix this and it's did you go no one there's no one there there's no uh is this thing on and you were here is i'm plugging it plugging it back i was trying to do it is anyone there trying to troubleshoot it and they're like and then audience members started being like step away from the mic the speaker and then he was going farther out of the spotlight so he's just on his shoes but no one that was working tried to help they were just like i don't fucking know it's a bar show this isn't a comedy yeah so i bombed it was one of those things like i thought once it went away once the feedback went away i'd be able to hop back in and be like well that was fucking crazy

yeah and then i just bombed the rest i was doing well and then the mic broke and then i bombed the rest of the set yeah fair enough and then the next guy went up and just did he just made fun of me the entire set because he doesn't have material but whatever oh whatever sorry i wrote a joke there granddad sorry god sorry grandpa some of of us are working on some new stuff. Sorry, yeah. I'm coming up with ideas. Evolving as a comic. Key destroyed. The room was dead.

And he brought it back to life. The mic worked again. The lights fixed. He leveled. I left as soon as he started making fun of me. I stayed for like five minutes. I was like, I can't leave. And then it got too much. You could hear him a block away. Dude, the hair is on the back of your neck. or I tried to I stayed for like five minutes I was like I can't leave and be a pussy

you could hear him a block away dude the hair the hair's on the back of your shirt the neck just standing up what was he saying like give him a fucking

fruitcake I said I said I'm I messed up my beginning and I said I'm from New York and then I go into stuff about Massachusetts and I say I'm from Massachusetts

and he's like the kid can't even remember where he's from. And I'm like, no. And like, Broan's there. My manager's there. His manager is there. My manager's like, hey, win some, you lose some.

And we went to, where is the place we went to afterwards? We went to Antone's. We went to Antone's. That's so funny. And upstairs, like, people are just crowding around this dude. Like, he's eating free pizza and shit like that. People are mobbing him. Word spread over the past.

They're sucking him up. They're like, this guy has the fucking set of The Weeknd. This guy's the truth. I can't wait to find out this guy's name. Ryan, is this something? No, no, I'll tell you after. I think it's Ryan something. No, the worst part was.

I think it's Ryan something. It's not. I swear it isn't. I know his name. The worst part is that it was funny because it was like I left being like, whatever, that guy sucks anyway. And then I went home and I looked him up on Instagram and I was like, this guy's hilarious. Oh, he's so good.

I was like, this guy's actually really fun. I'm surprised he's not bigger than he is. He's funny. It's funny. His material's great. He can go live. He's so confident. He's like, I'm just going to drag this little kid.

Yeah. But then I, then I, then I saw him last year. Oh, no, that was last year. That was last year. Drag me again. I did a show with him after, like later in the week, and Jeremiah Watkins was on the show, and he did the same thing to him,

but Jeremiah had a great set. So I was like, oh, he just does this for everybody. Oh, he's trying to make fun of the fucking, look at this fucking loser. Yeah. You should have preempted it. You should have eight-m you should have been like i am what i am a fucking bum yeah i do suck at comedy yeah sometimes my jokes are pretty obvious yeah sometimes i say things that are unique to me and i tried to say it's unique to everyone but it's true the truth is i'm only 22 so most people have actually experienced this and

it's not that big of a deal anymore yeah it's your first time hearing this yeah i don't have life experience oh god what's new to me is old to you i remember being in that green room and it's not even a green room it's a it's like a sheet that's just around the corner of the bar and i remember being in there with shane torres and being like that was pretty rough and he was like wasn't that bad and i was like and then he went up after and just destroyed me oh and i just had to sit in there with shane torres being like god it's so funny chasing no's like, no, it's all right. And it's comedy.

Just trying to comfort you. He's like, doesn't want to touch you either. Because you're sick and wet. It just slips off you. I also had no voice. So funny. You just got fucking ragdolled

down in the town. Dude, they call it the town for the reason. Yeah, you should have thrown yourself off the tower. A lot of people get their heads chopped the reason. Yeah, you should have thrown yourself off the tower. A lot of people get their heads chopped off up there, bro. Yeah.

It is fun, though. It's a lot of industry. Gray. Nothing screams fun like some fucking 22-year-old intern from a company that steals money

from comics. Gray. Nothing better than a coked-up fucking agent. Yeah, there are more agents there than comics. Here's what you get. Just ripping lines.

You. Yeah, they get... More and just ripping lines you yeah they get more crowd war clips they they get shit face they don't have any work to do no and they're way wealthier than all the comics yeah they get fucking destroyed comics are so poor yeah they get destroyed like you'll see an agent the next morning and be like oh we're gonna go hit this diner for bloodies you feel like you feel like tagging along? We're not signing you. We're not signing you, but you can come and just sit with us because clearly you have no friends here anyway. I don't even know what my squad down there is this year.

It's going to just be the regular Austin Crown. Well, you're lucky for that because you're going to be like Gardini and like LeMaire and all those guys will be there. Yeah, but then I might as well just go anywhere. When I was there last year, I didn't know anyone. Yeah. I was hoping you would have been there this year. Maybe I'll go.

I might just go. Maybe I'll pop by. I would have had you back in the bottle. Back in the bottle. Yeah, if I went down there, I would definitely get destroyed. Would you? Of course. I'm planning on being sober.

I'm trying to be sober. Oh, it's tough to stay sober there. Where are you going to go? Do you go to the goddamn Comedy Jam sober? Yeah. Yeah. That's nuts. You got to go to this ping pong spot that we went to sober there. What are you going to go? Do you go to the goddamn comedy jam sober? Yeah. Yeah. That's nuts. You got to go to this ping pong spot that we went to down there.

That was fun. Waxed ass down there. Dude, I got to go catch a flight to Iceland. Reykjavik? Whatever. To Reykjavik. Is that it? Reykjavik?

Reykjavik? Yeah. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say it out loud. All right. Well, thank you guys for listening. We'll see you next week. Yeah. No.

Yeah. Loads of dates. Columntaryl.com. Burlington. Burlington. October 20th. Get tickets. Going to sell out.

We're bringing our friends along. Column and Sass and friends. Yeah. If we don't have any friends left by then, we'll just be Column and Sass, I guess. But we're going fishing. And every Tuesday, New York City, $5 comedy, $5 funnies. Yep.

Oh, yeah. And buy Pop Punk tickets, poppunkrocks.com. God bless. Goodbye.