Son of a Boy Dad - Encyclopedia Brown | Son of a Boy Dad #281 ft. Dana Beers

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

Encyclopedia Brown | Son of a Boy Dad #281 ft. Dana Beers -- #Ad: Build credit fast and get your first month for just a dollar at https://GetKikoff.com/boydad today. Thanks to Kikoff for sponsoring us! -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, son of a boy, dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. All right, let's let's do this. We will do our we will do fun things. About to be a blast. Okay, great. I'm about to have a blast. I feel good. Okay, I'm happy to be talking to you. Me too. You're the guy I want to be talking to. I'm about to have a blast. I feel good. Okay. I'm happy to be talking to you. Me too You're the guy I want to be talking to. Oh, this is gonna be such an equal sharing of the ball And then Dana will come in. He said that he'll be up After after one, okay, well depending on how we're going I might just give him the old Police officer pulling the bike guy over.

Yeah, totally. You know what I realized about that bike story? That the cops have to give out more tickets because there's no cars to give the tickets to. That's exactly right. That's what I didn't realize. That's exactly right. Son of a boy, dad.

Speaking of, is my ticket up here somewhere? I think I left it up here. OK, well, anyway, let's get into it. Son of a Boy Dad. Speaking of, is my ticket up here somewhere? I think I left it up here. [♪ music playing on radio Wow, that was nice. Let's call, I'm going to call Sas. Just Just so we can one, prove that he's sick. Yeah. And two, just to get a wellness check, get his voice on the episode, satisfy his contract to Dave.

It's good thinking. Cover his bases. Yo, brother, what's up? Yeah, you're live to tape on Son of a Boy, Dad. Got it. How do you feel? Not good. Did you hear the pause in between him answering?

It was when he lowered his voice register to try to make it sound more sickly. When he like kind of got everybody in his apartment and shushed them. Yes, yes, yes, yes, exactly. He's like, get behind the curtain. Yeah. Pretend that you're not here

because you're really having probably some kind of freak off. Yeah, he stepped behind the employee's only door at Dave and Buster's. Yeah, but he's still, you can hear him slurping on some Dave and Buster's party cut pizza, a thin ass slice, an inch wide slice of pizza. To ask.

You guys got nothing else to talk about? We're just calling because we just wanted to, we wanted to give you your chance to be on the show because the text you sent this morning was just fucking preposterous saying that you were gonna call Dave and tell him that you weren't gonna be on today. I don't think that's that crazy. I've done that every time. You shouldn't be doing that. I mean, I don't miss a lot of episodes.

But what does Dave say when you call him? He just says, okay. Yeah, I don't think he cares. I don't call him. I text him. I just don't think you have to call him. I think that one, you're on this episode and two, me and Francis, we have your fucking back, dude. We'll protect you.

I don't need protection. Unless it's from a virus of sorts. What's your symptoms right now? The most intense body aches anyone has ever had. Hey, Sas, let me ask you something. So I got home quite late last night after taking two flights from Myrtle Beach in order to make the episode. And my question would be,

I texted everyone at about 12.30 and you responded, if you're super sick, don't you think it would behoove you to go to bed early? I've been sleeping the entire day. Oh, so you're just off off schedule? Yeah. I mean, I was probably awake from like, I mean, I probably went to bed right after that. Have you played any video games while you've been sick?

I played video games yesterday for a little bit. I didn't play the day before, but it's like we're barely even playing. It's not fun. It's just like I play for like, what happens is I'll take a bunch of Tylenol and Advil, and then I'll be like, I'm not even sick anymore. And then I'll play like one game of Call of Duty,

and then I'll be like, I'm going to fucking kill myself. War is hell. I feel you, bro. But thank you for just even checking in. And me and Francis, we're going to hold it down. We're going to have some nice conversations in your stead. Anything you want us to talk about? The Retard Choice Awards or anything? No, just don't talk about wine or plays. Don't talk about what? Wine or plays.

I did actually see O'Mary this week. Oh, you did? Yeah, I did. We want to talk about it, Sas. We want to talk about it. All right. Bye, Sas. Feel better.

Feel better, brother. All right, bye. Yeah, he doesn't sound great. He sounds like he's using one of those drug dealers, 60 minute voice modulators. I actually feel really sick right now. I could barely play video games for six hours today. The fact that he's playing video games

does hurt his case a little bit. And that he realizes there's a direct correlation between him starting to play video games and immediately feeling worse. Yeah. He doesn't have to play video games. No. He's addicted, I think.

Yeah, he's got a problem. He also should be going to bed at like fucking 9 o'clock. Doesn't matter how early you woke up. Right. Just go to bed. Sleep it off. Yeah. He just can't fucking beat it.

Whatever. You're here, brother, and I'm happy to see you. Where are you coming back from, the road? I was in Myrtle Beach for foreplay. We did the Barstool Classic and then we had to do a qualifier for the Creator Classic, which is next Wednesday, where a bunch of, you know, sort of YouTube golf people get invited to play

TPC Sawgrass, which is in Jacksonville. It's famous for its Island Green that you've probably seen. I think it's the 17th hole. They call it the fifth major. It's the biggest, probably the biggest tournament in terms of attention, money. I think it's the biggest money tournament outside of the majors.

And the boys are going down. And the point is that this creator classic thing, clearly the PGA has realized the value of YouTube golf personalities. People like the Good Good Guys, Rick Shields. Page. Page, yeah. Obviously they need to respect Paige's golf acumen.

Paige Sparinac and then there's a few others that have become quite, the Bryan brothers who are actually really, really good. And so Barstool was offered one slot to send one of our guys down and it's next Wednesday and that person gets to play in this creator classic which is to play the course the day before the tournament starts. Who's going?

I won't say yet because I don't think that has come out. But someone from the foreplay family is going? One of us is going. What? Wow, what the fuck? I mean there's some absolute sticks in the foreplay world. Yeah, well you know what? I don't think it's spoiling too much to say it's not me. Oh, damn it, what the fuck? I mean, there's some absolute sticks in the foreplay world. Yeah, well, you know what? I don't think it's spoiling too much to say it's not me.

Oh, damn it, what the fuck? That sucks. Yeah, it's not. I was positive it was you from how coy you were being. No, I tried to be coy to throw everyone off the scent, but it is not me. My game is not really, I haven't played since the end of October I have not really the only other

playing I did was our fitting that we did in January out in you know California and I maybe you haven't been hung over enough sassa that it's known that golfers play their best when they're hung over is that why he's been so bad since he's been sober. I guess so. I guess so. It's a performance decreasing lack of drugs that he has coursing through his veins right now. Is it hangovers or is it two drinks in? That's where I tend to play the best.

It's two drinks. He said that when you're hungover or sick, you just feel so fucking shitty and that's all you can think about that you don't even concentrate on your golf game, you don't overthink anything, you just hit them straight. Well, that, it's, hangovers, I get anxious and anxiety is the thing that makes my golf

become quite erratic. So I need whatever I can to quiet the mind. Dude, we were hosting the Classic and these two guys, this team, came up to the T-box when I was with Dana riding around in a cart. And, uh... On two wheels. Yes, exactly.

Every turn, gouged a giant fucking rut into the cart path. Just a moat around whatever cart path you were on. Um... Because he's fat. Yeah. We will give him a chance to defend these... That's right. ...games about himself.

And these guys' wedding coming up too, and he's just going in the wrong direction. And he's just doing all the wrong... He's like creating video series where he has to put calories in his body to like woo stone cold Steve Austin or whatever. Yeah, right. To like woo country singers. Like or whatever. Yeah, right.

To like woo country singers. Like why? You're getting married. You have like a great life ahead of you. You're moving to Chicago. Actually, that's probably why he's trying to beef up. Is he moving to Chicago? I assume.

I know they've been putting the press on him. Wow, I didn't know that. That's sad. I'd be sad to lose him. Yeah, what the fuck? Maybe we can fly him out every single week. Man, well I guess that'll be the end of that series I did with him.

Just another fucking, well we've done like 30 episodes, so I can't call this one a total start stop failure. Why don't you just have him come out and record a bunch of episodes. There's shows where people fly out. Casey Smith flies out to do the college football show. Tommy Smokes flies out to do the pro football show. Like Dana could fly back here and do this show with you. I suppose so. Just like Nick and KB are gonna fly back and do game night every month. Right. That's exactly right. It's hard

enough to get us to do it when we both live in the same place and work out of the same office. Right. They'll be back. The idea of him buying two airplane seats to come here is very unlikely. The seatbelt extender alone. Yeah. Oh, speaking of, okay. Beef. Barstool beef. What do you mean speaking of? Golf?

Oh, okay. Wonderful guy, gentleman. Gentleman. The class of a southern sort of plantation owner, I want to say. Which we don't have. Like, our southern guys that we have working at Barstool are like, they're field workers. Yeah. Yeah, they're the brothers in that first scene from Django.

The toothless, ill-kept brothers. That's Mintz and Brandon Walker. That he shoots riding across the field. Yes, exactly. Well, anyway. This guy's a true gentleman. He is, but he's not from the South. I don't think. But anyway, class act through and through. We get on the plane. Look, it's no secret that beef is large. I don't think it's cruel to say that. He acknowledges it.

I think that is. He goes by beef. Right. He's a big boy. And I'm not mocking him for that for some reason He's just one of those guys. You don't you don't want to make jokes about his weight Well, some guys are so damn nice. He's too nice. He's too sweet About it. So I'm not mocking him for that. However We got on this small plane. We had to we'd to come we're already talking plane talk

We got on this small plane. We had to come, we're already talking plane talk. I'm sorry. Small plane talk. Oh, look, quick, quick, dip a toe. We're gonna dip a toe in some air travel. We had to change our flights to come a day earlier since there's bad weather happening today and I worried I wouldn't be able to get home

if we kept our original flights in time to record, which would have left you high and dry, especially without SAS. So I got, we got out, we raced to the airport. It was pretty funny. You know, we were scared of the time, getting our bags in to check in in time. Two wheels.

Get to the airport. Beef was not in our car. It was me, Frankie and Trent driving to the airport. And we get on our first flight, we had to do two flights home from Myrtle, which is not far. We had to fly to Charlotte, which was 35 minutes, and then we had to fly to New York. On the flight to Charlotte,

which is one of those very small planes, I think SAS called it a double XYZ 400 or whatever. Of course. And he was wrong. He was wrong about the model of the plane. But he shamed you for not being able to know it. Yeah. And that's literally his autistic fixation.

It's not your autistic fixation. If you're gonna be autistic, you better get it right. Yeah, do it right. Nothing. It's so unimpressive to be like the autistic guy who can draw a whole city after seeing it once and the city looks like shit. Yeah.

Dude, nothing less impressive than a guy who claims autism and then fumbles his math. Right, like saying the whole Mets lineup from 1958 and then getting it wrong. Yeah, mixing a few NBA players in there. Yeah, you have to be able to do it all right. To me, that is claiming false autism. It's false flagging. It's false flagging. Yeah. But anyway,

so real autistic people should be able to run down on you and be like gang members. What up, Crate? What's your set? I agree with that and say things like you don't know how hard we worked for the prestige we have with our high powered brains. Yes, exactly. So for you to come in here and claim us and then get your easy math wrong, easy jets, like that's, jets are, you know, that's gotta be, that's elementary school autism.

Yeah, that's trains. Knowing planes. It's actually one step above trains. You go from trains to planes. To automobiles. I don't know what would come after that. What's the green belt of autism? It's probably politics, probably.

State capitals, maybe. Yeah, like GeoGuess probably. Yeah, state capitals, maybe. Yeah, yeah, like GeoGuessr. Yeah, right. People who are just dropping a pin. Then Algebra 2. Yeah, but weirdly, I don't know, like, do a lot of, does autism just line up with being good at math? That's the thing, they seem to be the best at.

Did you ever read that book, The Curious Case of the Dog in the Nighttime? Oh, God, no. Maybe it's Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime? Oh God, no. Maybe it's Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime? No, what's it about? Did you guys read that book? It's pretty good. It was a novel that was written about a young boy who has autism and witnesses the death of a dog

or he finds the dog has been killed and it's his neighbor's dog and he finds the dog has been killed. And it's his neighbor's dog and he loves the dog, I think. And he tries to solve who has killed the dog. But it's written in the voice of a child, of a boy with autism. So it's very authentic to that tone. Not that I would know, I've never. Even thought a little autistic.

I've never been inside the mind. I would be out of my element inside the mind of a person with autism, but. You know who was definitely autistic? Encyclopedia Brown. Yes. He was definitely an autist. Do you remember how, do you remember what he did

when he wanted to memorize something? What would he do? He would go click and he would say it out loud. Oh he was like photographing that because he had a photographic memory and he would sort of I guess catalyze that by saying the word click out loud which drove me nuts. Yeah that is because I thought if you truly have a photographic memory you don't need to say anything. Yeah. You don't need to say anything out loud. Click is a little bit fucking rich. Do you remember any of the Encyclopedia Brown stories? Of course.

There was one mystery where someone claimed to have been out of the house for 45 minutes. And then they were in the shower or something like that. They'd been in the shower. And then they wanted to act so bored that they started filing their nails. But then Encyclopedia Brown was like, wait, if you were in the shower, then they were they wanted to act so bored that they started filing their nails but then Encyclopedia Brown's like wait if you were in the shower or someone was supposed to have been out on the town and they had their

kid and they set the kid down on the roof of the car and they came or on the hood of the car and Encyclopedia Brown's like wait if you had been driving the car you couldn't put the kids the car would be hot looking back those mysteries weren't that tough to solve. No. If I read that book now, I think I would crack it pretty quickly. The one I remember distinctly was

that there was a contest at a state fair between Encyclopedia Brown's tomboy friend, I believe, and this other kid whose name was Jaws. No, Jaws was his friend, and then there was this other kid whose name was Jaws. No, it was Jaws was his friend. And then there was this other kid. And it was that they had to eat and drink foul smelling things or foul tasting things. And whoever could eat and drink it

with the littlest expression, I guess, would win the contest of the state fair. And they noted that one of the kids had this technique. It was quite hot that day where in between rounds, he would suck on ice cubes. Ah. And enumbed his. Yes, exactly.

Encyclopedia surmised that he was numbing his taste buds, which somehow ran afoul of the rules for the state fair contest, though I always wondered how in-depth are those rules actually? Yeah, who gives a fuck? If someone was like, you were sucking ice cubes, I'd be like, yeah, so what? I found a way to be good at the competition, Encyclopedia Brown.

Fucking use your autism for something better. Yeah. Am I wrong in remembering that 90% of those mysteries were things like what we're describing, and then every once in a while I'd be like and then someone was raped last night Encyclopedia get on the case. You're like, whoa An encyclopedia Brown swiped the inside of her vagina

Whoa With a cotton swab. I feel like that I feel like there was occasionally like a robbery or something. But I could be totally wrong. Maybe it was all. No, it was sexual crimes. It was Encyclopedia Brown SVU. Young adult.

Yeah. Just disturbed children. So this was our roundabout way, because you had just gotten on the airplane, which Sass could identify with his Encyclopedia brown Yeah, autistic ass so you get on this fucking tiny ass airplane. Yeah, I got on the airplane and beef Was sitting in first class

We were sitting in first class to me Frankie me Frankie and I were sitting in first class, but beef was also in first class and I don't know if Barstool booked him in first class. They may have, but look, again, I don't mean to be mean. Beef Beef is a big boy. This was a small plane, two seats on one side, one seat on the other side. And before we got on the plane,

he said something about how he was sitting in first class. He hates these small planes. You know, he needs to sit in first class or something like that. And it occurred to me that beef has gained so much weight that he's become rich. He has eaten himself into a different class of luxury. Which I didn't, I don't think that's happened since Kings. Weirdly it happens more than you think, because you look at Frank the Tank's old seat set, like the Mets game, he's in like basically a club box. Really?

He gets like a terrorist because like, And now he's losing weight and he's moving more into the nosebleeds? Yeah, I think that he's blown away. I think that he has to sit in these more normal sized seats because you can't, you know, like do they take your, if you lose the weight, do they take your like wheelchair thing from your car, you know, do they chip it off your license plate? That is a great question.

That is a great question. That is a great question. Can you revoke someone's wheel, like handicapped status if they lose enough weight? That'd be so vicious. Imagine losing that. Boy, you know what you do is you just hover one pound over the cutoff, I guess. Or when you go in for the weigh-ins to keep your status as handicapped,

you put some lead lugs in your boots. Yeah, you have to put some lead lugs in. And then Encyclopedia Brown comes in and says, I saw him walking on the beach and his footprints were six inches deeper than they should have been. And we're like, Encyclopedia, it doesn't fucking matter. He's going to park in the handicapped spot anyway. It's amazing how much better this podcast goes without Sass.

It's so nice. It's so nice without his curmudgeon ass. We really tied that up neatly there. I know. But you know, it is- He ate his way into it. I thought that you were gonna say something about the weight distribution or something like that.

No. Which is a real thing on planes as well. It is. And helicopters. And there was also something very funny to me there he beef was sitting on the side of the two seats and there was a businessman in a suit sitting next to him you know and he was I mean he was clenching his shoulders as if he was sitting between two bums on

the subway. Really? Yeah he was making himself as small as possible. Was he on the inside or the outside? Well they were he was on the window seat and the beef was on the aisle. I guess when it beeps kind of in both correct and It made me laugh to think that this businessman flying from Myrtle Beach to Charlotte who was probably you know, let's just say he's like a southern oil baron Yeah, like a high-powered lawyer, you know, let's just say he's like a Southern oil baron. Yeah, like a high powered lawyer or something. You know, like one of those Murdoch sons. Yeah.

One of the only ones who didn't get killed. And he's made his way up, he's entitled, he's got that Southern charm and whatever, and he's wearing his suit with his jeans and he thinks, yeah, I'm sitting in first class, I deserve it. And he finds himself in first class sitting next to me. That is a revoking of privileges. You just don't expect you've come so far working your way up through the small town, you know, fucking mattress sales jobs of somewhere in South Carolina, all the way to being regional manager

and shoving off those cries of nepotism. That's when it's like when SAS like wanted to switch seats with the guy or like they don't wanna switch seats with a guy in first class, this would be one of those rare circumstances. Yes. Where you don't wanna switch with a guy in first class. Go ahead, pal.

Yeah, you see that tiny sliver of chair that's available up there? That's where you're headed. Oh man, love beef. Never have met him, but I just assume him to be the nicest guy just based on the fact he takes his hat off every time he shakes somebody's head. He's amazing, wonderful guy. He also, we were doing a, we were, the reason I don't feel so, you know, I feel a little bit Okay. Well, he can't lose the weight. He's a guy type of guy. He can't go on. Oh, something

He can't be going from beef to slim Jim. Yeah, I was gonna say beef to venison. What are you gonna rebrand? He can't be a 95% lean beef like that's not gonna work for him. He has already established himself There's some guys in here that can't lose it. What's the fake beef called? Wonder meat or what is it called? Oh, oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. Impossible. Impossible, bruh. Impossible beef.

Yeah, impossible. Yeah, but we were doing this thing, sometimes in golf, when you're deciding who gets to tee off first. You stand in a circle and you flip a tee and whoever the tee is pointing to gets to go first on the tee box. And we lined up to do this

and I cracked the joke immediately. Well, Beef has a huge advantage. Because in a circle, he's taking up 40% of the space, you know, in a group of six that we had. And then I immediately sort of tried to walk it back cause I don't, he's so sweet. And he said, no, no, no, you gotta make those jokes. You gotta make those jokes.

So he, you know, he's given us a little bit of the green flag or the green light to make those jokes. And, you know, I hope that if I were to put on weight, he would give it to me as well. But I would never do that. And I hope that he also makes fun of your successful comedy career and Harvard education and stuff, that he actually can punch back.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Come to my level. Just punch across. What would be an equal joke, a divorce joke or something like that? That's fine. That's funny. People haven't really been doing that. Punch across. What would be an equal joke? A divorce joke or something like that? That's fine.

That's funny. People haven't really been doing that. I haven't gotten much of that, which is interesting. Yeah, maybe it's the same thing where people are like, you're such a sweet guy. Yeah, maybe if I were like a cuck, if I'd gotten divorced, because I'd walked in on, you know, right, soul cycle type of situation, something like that, which Dave, I mean, he really was able to beat that. Well, he ate, rabid at it, or

be rabid at it. Right, right. Just leaned in. He started the cuck cycle t shirts. What a saga that was. That was a great saga. But I mean, his girlfriend was publicly cheating on him. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I think that that's one of those things where if you brand that the right way, if you present that the right way, that turns into an attractive quality.

Really? Poor guy you've been cheated on. You're the guy that's been cheated on, you know? You're the guy that's been cheated on. You think that is an endearing quality? I guess so, I guess so. I guess when if somebody's on Love is Blind and someone gets a bad shake on Love is Blind, someone's treated poorly by the person opposite them, then I do think that that makes them a more sympathetic figure at them, then I do think that that makes them a more like sympathetic figure, like out and about out in the town, like, oh, I could save them or like mend them or some shit like that. Right. Right. Yeah. I think that sympathy is a very valuable currency. And oftentimes we see what I like to call a race to the bottom.

Yeah. People love to be sympathetic figures. Who can out victim the next victim? It's so nice, except for white women, because then they just really have to ramp it up. Yeah. They throw a guy like us under the bus. Yeah, or, you know, yeah, right. I was going to make a joke that I was going to have to ask you

guys to cut, and I didn't do it. See, that's growth. That's just easier on the edit. That is what it, I feel good about that. Yeah, that was smart, good for you. And guess what everybody, you're never gonna know. Yeah. You're never gonna know what.

Well, I see you enjoying the joke in your brain right now. Well, it was a good one. Yeah. And it was definitely gonna get me in trouble. And it was spicy and funny and punchy. Yeah, that's nice. I'll tell you all after we stop recording. I'll tell you all.

But you guys, I mean, right now, I guess you guys could kind of see where the conversation was going. Just leave what you think the joke was gonna be in the comments. Yeah. And we'll let you know if one of them was right. Yeah, yes, exactly.

There's an encyclopedia brown. Offer your own jokes for that moment and we will evaluate them as to their proximity to what I was originally thinking. Something about women and buses. Yeah, it was white women. It was where that was the lead in. Was it a Rosa Parks thing or?

You know, I don't wanna give too many clues. Okay, okay, okay. I wanna leave this open to interpretation. This is an abstract painting and its meaning is in the eye of the beholder. Yes, that's very nice. So, you know what I thought about today? So I like,

I like doing good deeds. Yeah, yeah, of course. For entirely selfish purposes. I'm not gonna pretend that I'm doing this for any other reason than that. It makes me feel good. Well, that's not entirely true. It's also because I believe I should do these things.

But if there was no ancillary benefit, you'd be less likely to do the things. I guess. They're not always things that really put me out of my way very much. Here's what happened. When I made that mini bar video where I ate the whole mini bar at that hotel, as I told you, a lot of the brands of the snacks that I ate.

They reached out to you because they want you to nosh on their snacks publicly. That's right. They sent me packages of their goods. And one of them was a beef jerky company. And that one was probably the coolest, actually. The guy, I'll have to get the name because he deserves a shout out.

But they sent me a bunch of beef jerky. And I like beef jerky, but they also sent me beef sticks. What's the difference? Oh, it's like a little bit naughtier. It's not as lean as a jerky? I don't know, man, but I don't like beef stick. OK. I don't like beef stick at all.

I've never liked my beef in the shape of a stick. Is that like a Slim Jim? It would be, but I think this is higher quality, less processed. Well, Slim Jims are mechanically separated chicken, I think, is their biggest ingredient. Really? Yeah. So this is probably mechanically separated beef.

That's probably true. I wonder why they even have to say mechanically separated chicken. I don't know why. I've never seen the preparation in any other ingredients. Yeah, I mean, but also when it comes to separating chicken, I got to believe I'm happier to know it was done by the arm of a robot than some old maid or some El Salvadorian man.

Yeah, just plucking pieces of white meat and throwing it into a tub. Then it's compressed into a stick. Yeah, so they sticked up some beef for you. Well, they sent me a bunch of the beef sticks. And I don't, as I said, I don't really like beef stick. So I, my apartment's small. I'm always in the process of shedding unnecessary stuff. Yeah, you wanna be lean.

So I rounded up my beef sticks and put them in my backpack, by the way, which contained $830 of ones. Which is what got us sick, dude. Bro, the The amount of cash that I brought with me to Utah and then Myrtle Beach and then Charlotte and then New York. The amount of cash that I had. And it's ones too. It's like if someone found all those ones in your backpack in Utah, they'd probably be like, what's up with Francis? Is he okay?

What kind of stuff is he doing where he has this much ones? Dude, it went through so many TSA scanners. And I'm not really sure. Because isn't, I remember in Wolf of Wall Street when they strapped all the money to their bodies to bring it to Switzerland or whatever. You got to declare certain amounts of money, right? Well, I guess.

I'm just surprised it didn't raise any fucking eyebrows. Just dirty, filthy money. The TSA probably didn't even want to touch it because they know how gross all that fucking, the $837 of ones is. Well, I'm also a little insulted they didn't think it was possibly 20s, 50s, or 100s and you know, flag me down. Right, how could they tell? Yeah. I guess it was so loose, or is it wadded up?

No, it was pretty loose. Slipping, sliding around. Yeah, if a girl saw that, it would be probably an ick for her. It'd probably be a fucking turn off for a girl to see a bunch of loose money. It's not cute to have anything less than like 20s really. Unless you're like tipping. Yeah. Like you don't need like having a bunch of fat wad of loose money is fucking gross to women. Each time I opened my backpack, I had a little

pang of resentment towards you. It's an albatross. It's like a bit of a fucking the stone from The Simpsons that when he has like the stone of like glory like tethered to him is this massive stone. You just have to carry around this ton of a ton of ones that you can't do shit with. You can't buy something with them. No, you can't. You'd almost think I should give some of this away. But no, you don't know you're already giving away beef stick. So you gave away the beef stick

that you loaded up your backpack with? I brought it with me in my backpack, along with, I had three jars of granola butter. Another brand sent me a bunch of granola butter. What the fuck is granola butter? It's basically cookie butter. It's delicious, but I can't have that stuff in my house. You guys know me.

If I have a jar of granola butter in my house, I'll not touch it until one night when I'll eat the whole thing, which is thousands of calories. Yeah, but at least you abstain and self-flagellate enough leading up to it to keep yourself from being a beef.

I abstain and then I binge. Yeah, but that balances you out. That's how you have... And also, we learn that you can throw up with the best of them. Yeah, but I'm not throwing up granola butter. It's too good. It's too expensive. Too tasty.

So what happened with all the beef sticks? So I brought the beef sticks and the granola butter in my backpack along with all the cash and I was looking for a homeless person. To give it to? To give it to. And I got off the subway at 23rd Street off the F and started walking up 6th Avenue and I passed one guy and I said, not him. Well, he didn't look like he could handle the- He was doing this.

He was one of these guys. Oh, he's a question mark. He was the Riddler. Which I mean, I sometimes envy those people's hamstrings. Yeah. I mean- That's a loose ass hammy if you could just be bent in half at all times if you helped them

Straight with their spine just split in half. It would like tick back like a ratchet It'd be like locking in the seat on a roller coaster like low loading a catapult You would have to ratchet it all the way back before you could launch them Yeah. You would have to ratchet it all the way back before you could launch them. And then you'd be on somebody's back, bailing a homeless person back. Put a spitball on his forehead.

They just launch that down. I respect the hell out of all the homeless, obviously. Yeah, I mean, this guy wasn't. This guy wasn't. This guy was not moving. Yeah. And I just, I didn't know. Well, you want this to be appreciated, this act.

Well, and I also just thought to myself, that's a guy who's not really burning that many calories, so he probably doesn't need to replenish them. And the beef sticks would probably give him bad reflux with his posture. I had the same thought. You know, because he doesn't really have the up and down. I was concerned about feeding him too rich food.

Just as the GIs who discovered the concentration camps. Right, you can't overload them right away. We can't give them really rich food, because then they've been eating very simple foods. We have to start them and build back their appetite. Didn't they keep them in the concentration camps for a couple of days? That's right.

They're like, actually, can you finish the job? The railroad's almost done. Oh, that's a thought. I remember from Band of Brothers it being because they wanted to keep them in one area to administer first aid. Yes, I'm sure that's what it is. Yeah.

No, but your ideas sound. You know where else that happened, by the way? Where? In the Odyssey. Really? Yeah, there was something about his band of men or something get starved for a while, then they start eating, they finally get food and it's rich

and they gorge on it and they get really sick. Yeah, that's I mean, I think that's isn't that a thing? Yeah. Or when people get off submarines if they stand up too fast, they get the bends or something. They end up like that guy on the street. Then he was probably just a submarine. What if he was just fresh off of a submarine and everyone just took him as homeless? Operator. He's a periscope operator.

He was just a sickly periscope operator. But I'm with you. You don't want to give it to the wrong homeless guy. I've made that mistake before. And it was I was leaving Chicago one time probably like eight or nine years ago. And I had liquor in bottles and weed. And I didn't want to fly with it. This is before even I was comfortable flying with weed. Yeah. And I gave it to a homeless guy. And I was like, I thought that I was changing his life. I felt like I was doing such a nice thing for him

that he'd be so excited. He was like, you got any money? And I was like, fuck, dude. I was so proud of myself that I was about to do this awesome deed. Because I was like, oh, most people probably just offer them a little fucking lunch or some shit. This is a bunch of booze and a bunch of free good weed.

You're cutting out the middle, man. And I just gave it to him all in a plastic bag. I was like, there's a bunch of, like, there's like liquor and weed in there. Like, you have a great time. And what did he? He got any money? And I was just so fucking bummed out. Oh, he didn't want it. No, I mean, he took it, he also he wanted he just wanted more and different When like I was only set up at that time to be able to give him the weed and the booze

Which I couldn't take with me I'm so so surprised by that, you know, you didn't try to shake him and be like look This is what you're gonna buy any better than money. This is what you're going to get. Yeah, this is this is good This is gonna enhance your day no matter how you spin it or you could sell this for money. Yeah, this is good. This is going to enhance your day, no matter how you spend it. Or you could sell this for money. This is worth money. It is. It's worth money in the homeless community, too.

Yeah, but he probably doesn't have a scale. He doesn't have, you know. It was already in the container. It was in the weed container. It was just disappointing. Yeah, but he probably doesn't have one of those magnifying glasses to check out the terpenes. Yeah, he probably couldn't appreciate the terpenes or the crystals Yeah, I couldn't see you see all the crystals

I should have been shook the man be like there's fucking crystals in here. Don't you fucking get it slap this shit out of him I'm told this one actually helps with the body. Yeah, this will help for creativity Does so did you wind up finding the right guy to give the shit to? Yeah, I was glad I passed on the first guy because half a block later I saw what I wanted, which was sort of a family. It was two women and a little baby and then probably a six-year-old girl. Were you by the Roosevelt Hotel? No, this was probably 25th and 6th around there. They were sort of sitting in one of those alcoves

of a building. It's like a, just an area that comes a little bit off the street. And it looked pretty snug. It looked cozy, what they'd built. So they had a nice little family unit going on. Yeah, and they had a sign. I sort of started reading the sign

and then I was like, I don't. I don't believe you. It was more like, why am I acting like I actually need to be proven that they should have this? Like as if the words on the sign are gonna say, oh yes, does anyone have any beef stick? We're a family unit, we're in need of oat butter. Yeah, right, granola butter, oats, beef stick,

and granola butter are our favorite snacks. So then, you know, the girls, the little girls, were the, that's all, that was the selling point. Yeah. And so I said, would you guys like some food? And they said, yes, please. And so I started pulling these things out of my backpack, making sure that they didn't see the-

The ones. Hundreds of ones. You could have changed their life. Yeah. But I mean, you don't wanna make them be the ones who are embarrassed to have all the ones. Well, I did what you did, right? I thought food is better. of better application than ones.

And then you know that the little girls aren't using the ones for drugs. Yeah, I mean, those little babies can't eat cash. What are they supposed to do with cash? Well, that their father's not using it to buy a gay male prostitute in New York and thus ruining the integrity of his family. Yeah Yeah I didn't get the sense that he was around. Oh there was no dad there? No. Okay the rest of the family was there I don't know why. Yeah so I gave them I started pulling these beef sticks out and I sold them on the beef sticks first I just dropped them right on the blanket

I said this is beef stick but it's high quality. This is good shit. No preservatives, I think I said that. I said that. And they were like, we don't speak English. And then I said, okay, and then I also have this granola butter. Swear to God, this happened just right before we got here. I'm walking through the office. Is that a jar?

It is three jars, and I'm embarrassed to say I had eaten half of one of them. And I said, I had a little of this one this one so if you want we can throw that out. They were like no no it's okay. And the other ones had the they were sealed. So I gave them two and a half jars of granola butter and about 12 beef sticks. It's not a very well rounded meal. But it's fine though it's better than nothing. But I could also tell that there was another guy coming up at some point that day that was going to bring. The rest of the food pyramid.

Greek yogurt and steamed broccoli. Some organic, some raw honey or something like that. Just waves of ingredients, like the three wise men, as if they worked for a kitchen. Yeah, gold Yukon potato. Franken-spice and mustard. I don't know. The mustard. I didn't like that.

It was, but there was nothing for frankincense and myrrh. No, I struggled with that. There's nothing there. There's nothing there, dude. It's not your fault. Myrrh is a very difficult word to spin into a food. I know, you really have to go to impractical jokers to get any good murr jokes.

That's exactly what I was thinking. It's the only place that you can let. So I did that, right? And then I also enjoy purging my apartment of clothes that I'm no longer wearing. Right? That's nice, but also your clothes are so expensive. Well, that was why I then realized that if I were to come back tomorrow with a bag of clothes, I would want them to try them on.

This is Brunello Cucinello. I'm not wasting this Brunello on you if you're not gonna fit in this vest. That's where it's not so much the fit. That's where I would have considered the bent over man because the suede of my Brunello coats actually bends very well with scoliosis. Oh, it probably hangs so nice on the scoliosis. Hangs like distaff in the wind.

That's so beautifully said. I think hangs like distaff in the wind. That's so beautifully said. I think that's Shakespeare. Twelfth night? Yeah. Music be the food of the play on. Give me access at that surfiting. Wait, this is what Sass told us not to do this.

The appetite may so sicken and die. Sass told us definitely don't do this. That strain again and had a dying fall. Anyway. So if you're going gonna bring back some clothes. I said no Shakespeare. No gay shit. He said no Twelfth Night. Yeah. So yeah, so I'm thinking of bringing some clothes because you know when you donate clothes, which I do, I usually just throw them in the bin of the kind of the Goodwill bin or the housing works

or whatever. And I don't know where that's going. I don't know who that's going to. I don't know if that's going to- People are rating that. They are. Yeah. They are, that's also it gets sold.

So there's still capitalism involved and there's no eye for thrifting and fashion, which is why I would like to dress a homeless. I'd like to style them. I'd like to style them in my clothing. That would be so nice. Stand up, stand up. Pull out a tape measure.

Right, getting like their inseam. Arms up now, okay. They just piss themselves. You don't know what coat size you are, do you? Forget it, I don't. I used to be at 34. Yeah. So yeah, that's what I'd like to do.

I would quite literally like to take the shirt off my back. I never realized how hard it must be for you to give away clothes because all your clothes are so nice that like you're really killing your babies at all times because me I have like a constant like feeder economy of the donation bin of free t-shirts like I'm always kind of taking the free t-shirt

But also getting rid of them pretty fast So I feel like I'm always getting rid of 10% of my stuff, but those are the free t-shirts I was gonna get rid of anyway. Yeah, it's like a club in Scottsdale, one in, one out. Yeah. It's one in, one out. Yeah. And I think that that's a nice way to do it as opposed to having high value club members that you have to kick out. Right. Right. Well, I always see it as a gradual improvement over time, a gradual improvement over time, which is that I only allow myself to buy clothes if I am, I don't have any more space

in my closet at this point. My closet is tidy. I mean, it is organized. I'm folding. It's a well-oiled machine. I'm folding my t-shirts with a chicken separation robot. Everything is creased perfectly. There's like eight perfect folds down

to the smallest possible. Exactly. I mean, you could turn those t-shirts into beefsteak if you wanted to. So. And then at that point, you give them to the homeless. Exactly. I'm like, don't eat that.

Unpack it. It usually fits into a small t-shirt cannon. Yeah, like a bank tube today It's going on your back provided it fits right in the shoulders And if it's even a little bit off you find another homeless person. Yeah, I'm sorry. Could you take that off? No, you actually get nothing. There's a trimmer guy down the block There's the bait and switch you ever see there's some homeless people that there's always somebody like kind of bent over talking to Is that right? There's a homeless guy on 7th half that always has someone talking to him

Like an older guy. He's always doing like a crossword He's been he's been there for like as long as our office has been here Hmm, and there's always someone bent over talking to, or sometimes even people squatting down talking to him. And I don't know if they're outreach programs or if they're attracted to him or if he's striking up conversations. But he's definitely homeless, but he always has a companion to converse with. That's nice.

Is it always the same person talking to him? No, always different people talking to him. Boy, this guy is charming. He might be just a charming homeless guy. I mean, that level of charisma would make you wonder how he ever ended up on the street. And might be just by choice. Or he might be like the lady from Home Alone

with the pigeons. Oh, yeah. Who shouldn't probably be homeless. Was she? Yeah, she was a pigeon lady. Yeah, I guess pigeons are usually a telltale sign of homelessness. But she was like a high class homeless woman. Yeah.

She appreciated the Philharmonic or whatever. She's well read. She's like that Jamie Foxx movie where they discovered he went to Juilliard. Did you ever see that? No, I don't think I did. The cellist. Oh, is that what that is? She was like that Jamie Foxx movie where they discovered he went to Juilliard. Did you ever see that? I don't think I did. The cellist. Oh, is that what that is?

Yeah, and I think it was Robert Downey Jr. figures out somehow that this guy who lives- Oh, I read that book. There's a book? Yeah, he's like a homeless guy. And he's like a well-trained, but he's like a homeless guy who's not crazy or addicted to drugs. I think he just had OCD or something.

I thought he did have some sort of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or something like that. Maybe he does. Yeah. Maybe I'm thinking of a different book about a homeless guy. I don't feel well. Oh, no. I'm not even kidding you. I just started feeling nauseous. Oh, no, I'm not even kidding you. I just started feeling nauseous. Oh, no

Is this room a fucking petri dish ground zero? Oh No, dude, that scares the shit out of me. I don't feel very well. Oh, no, I Wouldn't have said something Sound bad right away. I don't feel well. Yeah, what the fuck your voice sounds bad right away. I haven't have said something unless it... You sound bad right away. I don't feel well, yeah. What the fuck? Your voice sounds bad right away. I haven't eaten anything weird today. I've only eaten oatmeal.

By the way, I sort of do a little bit of a bit on this. I mean, it's no secret that I was pretty sad after I got divorced. And I look back on some of the behavior that changed in my life. I'm a very routine oriented person. So I didn't let myself go that much.

I continued working out and all that, but there were small subtle things that started happening, which I look back now that I've changed them back to my original way. Yeah. But one of them was that I just stopped microwaving my oatmeal. Like there was a three month period where I was like,

fuck it, I'll just eat it cold. You just had water and oats? Dude, do you know how terrible like fucking un-microwaved oatmeal is? Terrible Like fucking on microwave don't me Do you have any idea how sad you have to be to be like I'm not even gonna punch the buttons in That's so easy Like you just have to push like the 30 second button three times Now I'm now I'm back to eating it hot. I've earned that

Into the sunlit world of warm oatmeal. But there was a period there where I was just like, by the way, choking it down. It doesn't go down smooth. It scratches your throat like it's raw kale. Like you're trying to swallow a barbed wire fence. Jesus Christ. Every morning just choking down

It's very funny to think about like a Patrick Bateman style of depression Where like you still know that you need the fuel and nutrients Like you can't give that away You can't give that up But you're just gonna deprive yourself of some like small bit of happiness Or like taking care of yourself in a small way by not eating your fucking oat milk. Was it milk or water? I've always done it with oat milk,

but sometimes if I didn't have oat milk, I would just put water in it. And those were the tough days. That's so dark. Water and just wet oatmeal that has not been cooked in any way is really not fun. And then the other thing that I would do this too, I didn't really notice until a little bit in, but typically my microwave is in the lower part of my kitchen, you know, counter, it's down.

And it's at my waist level such that when I would punch in the numbers for the oatmeal, I would start it and then I would step to the side. Because you don't want it in front of your nuts. I didn't wanna, I believed I, you know, someday I'll have children. My wife has yelled at me for standing in front of the microwave. I didn't want to, I believed I, you know, someday I'll have children. My wife has yelled at me for standing in front of the microwave.

I didn't even realize it's a bad thing because mine's also at nutty level. Yeah, mine was right in front of my junk. Yeah. And there was a period there where I just was just letting it fry. I was just straight up like, this is the microwave. Just like, doesn't even matter.

Just leaning on it. I don't deserve to have children my legacy shouldn't live on. Let my name die with me. I'll never love again. By just hard boiling your fucking testicles. Yeah. That's so vicious. I'm happy you're out of those dark phases but that is funny that it manifested itself in that way. Yeah. Because I know you're not going to be like gross. No. You're not going to be like super like messy in your house. That wouldn't like...

No, I couldn't allow that to happen. So you know, it was just these little... Like how depressed people don't brush their teeth because they're not taking care of themselves. And I think that's what it is. It's like you're a way of not taking care of yourself. I could never do that. And I think that's what it is, is a way of not taking care of yourself because you kind of care so little, or they maybe won't bathe because they're just not taking care of themselves

because they don't have that regard for self. And so that was your lack of regard for self. Yeah, small things, just small lapses in self-care. People have often asked me, a lot of people reached out to me and asked for advice because they have gone through or are going through divorces or tough breakups and things like that. What did Clemmer ask? Yeah. He asked, do you have any advice? And I was like, whatever I would do, I would stand up more straight when you're standing on the street corners whatever I would do, I would stand up more straight when you're standing on the street corners

because you're definitely not gonna get any beef stick from magnanimous passerby. Yeah, it's probably identical to the beef stick. Is it passersby? I don't know. However, my advice just generally, if anyone actually, because there's so many people ask me about that, is to focus on your routine.

And make sure you keep your space clean, yourself clean, go to the gym, just put one foot in front of the other and develop a routine so that it distracts you from thinking about your loss. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah, that's all. I think any type of routine is always, It's just you can ground yourself in it And just be sad in between the shit you're doing. There you go. There you go Just land it and be sad about the stuff in between

Did you did you watch so there's lots of big happenings in the comedy world for that? I'll touch on real quick sure galais did SNL. Yeah. Conan did the Oscars. I did not watch that. And Andrew Schultz and Julio both came out with specials yesterday. Yes, yes. All awesome. Big Conan fan by the way. He's so funny. Yeah, I've always felt heartbroken for him that he did not, as a result of Jay Leno, that he did not get to be the Tonight Show host, which he would be to this day.

He would have had a Letterman run. And it's all because he got it. He had been groomed for it as being the late night guy after Leno on The Tonight Show for years. Leno vacates, NBC promotes Conan to host The Tonight Show and he does it for whatever, a year or less. And then Leno asks for it back, and NBC acquiesces. And then Conan kind of just got relegated to TBS, and then. I don't even see it as a relegation, though, honestly. I think that he is so funny and still just

gets what funny is, where a lot of people who get a late night job, they're like, OK, now it's almost my responsibility to grandstand and like, have these like, you want to talk about current events and current events is politics. So you want to have like a strong opinion on politics. And it's like, that really does not do you the biggest service in that in that space. And like watching Conan do the Oscars, he wasn't doing any like political. He was just being funny and goofy and silly. And I think that he is the master of that.

He's such a class act. I think his humor is elevated. I think he's accessible. Funny characters. Podcast is funny. He's not really afraid of like... Yeah. I've always revered Conan.

And anyway, but I didn't watch, I didn't watch the Oscars. You're so funny. My wife was just like, I've never seen you laugh like this at a... I'm going to go watch it then. That's high praise. I thought it was really good. All right. Let's take a minute to talk about kickoff.

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from kickoff users starting under 600 who made their first on-time payment between January 2021 and March 2024. and credit activity... outside of kickoff can have an impact on your credit... individual results may vary. I did watch Shane on SNL and you know I personally loved it I... knew what was coming I had seen the monologue kill. The two whatever three days before so I enjoyed the jokes... again there was so much online. Comments were coming in and I was like I'm going to go... kill the two whatever three days before so I enjoyed the jokes again there was

so much online commentary about it which I found very lazy I found it very lazy yeah but when you're in just like the full on when you're mainstream when you're hosting SNL I know you're just you're open to unnuanced lazy just people being like that's fucking awesome or that fucking sucks I hate that guy or that guy's the best of all times just you'll get binary opinions I know but you know anyone on Twitter and I saw a lot of this people saying he was bombing. It's like There there he's getting big laughs You know bombing would be

there he's getting big laughs. You know, bombing would be silence bombing is silence and groans. And if you're going to be critical and cynical, fucking get it right. That's kind of how I feel like I will I don't mind a negative opinion and anti opinion one that's contrary to my own, as long as it's based in the truth of what's happening. They're not in the room. Do they think those laughs are fake? Do they think it's a laugh track?

I don't know. I mean, everyone's watching the band behind him, saw a lot of commentary on that. Yeah, just because it's more than about the jokes. It's like about people. Even the last time he hosted, how everybody was posting pictures with him and like, comedy's back. Yeah. And that leads to a class of people

having opinions on it that aren't typical, like, quote unquote, comedy fans. Right. That leads to Elon Musk being like, comedy's back. Did he say comedy was back? No, well, he just says it every five minutes. They made fun of him.

I know. And I thought that was pretty funny. I thought Mike Myers was pretty funny. And I wondered if Elon Musk appreciated that. You know, my guess would be that Elon did. That's my thought. Has he commented on Mike Meier's portrayal of him at all? No, he was talking about some German immigrants

getting in a fight or something like that. Yeah, exactly. I would have thought that Elon Musk somehow is probably an Austin Powers fan. Doesn't that seem up his alley? Of course. And that having Mike Myers play him is, I mean, Mike Myers is awesome. You know, I haven't seen him in 15 years do anything. I didn't love the Mike Myers.

No, I didn't think the voice was accurate at all But it is great to have him and I guess it's cuz Shrek Shrek spec. Oh Is it Shrek five's about to come out really? Yeah Wow Did you want to say anything about? Okay Yeah, I don't know somehow. I would have liked to see that Elon laughed at that But I guess that's wishful thinking. And then Andrew Schultz and Julio

both came out on specials. We will definitely get Julio on the pod to talk about it. I have not had a chance to watch either of the specials yet. They just came out. Me neither, I wanna watch them badly. Yeah, definitely. That'll be sick that they both put put stuff out. I can't believe Pete Davidson directed it.

Julio's. Yeah. Yes. The fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's sick. Yeah. They're pals. And he doesn't have tattoos anymore. He got rid of all of them. Yeah. That must have been hell. I know. How do I guess?

Don't they just, I've seen them go over small tattoos with the tattoo remover, but that's fucking. Doesn't it cause scarring? It does, right? But you get rid of it all, you're able to get rid of all of it? I don't know, he looked pretty,

he looked milky white. Well, I saw that billboard, that gigantic billboard of him for reformation And it has to be airbrushed Because I would have thought that his body would look like jack bowers after he comes home from china or wherever the fuck He was tortured in between seasons his body looks pretty good. I I did see this charlotte's picture of him. He looked fantastic Yeah uh in between seasons. His body looks pretty good. I did see a short list picture of him. He looked fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, he looks good.

He looks good. Saw some old pictures of him and Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande. It used to be a dime. Sad. What's going on with her? I don't know. And I feel like you're not even allowed to say

that she used to look better. Yeah, that, I don't know. And I feel like you're not even allowed to say that you used to look better. Yeah, that, I don't know. I mean, Sass said I was going to get in trouble for saying that Sabrina Carpenter had a round face, which I didn't think was true. And one person DM'd me in a very threatening way as a result of that comment. What'd they say? Which to me is like, wait a minute, I didn't even say anything that bad. How could you love a pop star so much as a young man has to take offense

at someone saying that they think the contours of their face are a little too. Maybe it's her. Round it off. If she listens. I gotta believe old, old too... Maybe it's her. Round it off. If she listens. I gotta believe old, old Sabs is nuts. Sabs might be listening. Tuning into soabed.

She might be. Could be. Cause she's friends with Danielle, who played Topanga, Danielle Fischl. Danielle's friends with Jensen. Yeah. And I went to that bachelor party with Jensen. Wait, friends? Aren't they married? Yeah. Best friends. Okay. Oh, you mean in the vow sense. In that vow you often hear. The vow of friendship. You know they take it in sickness and in health. Dude, and have you seen the controversy

surrounding the Retards Choice Awards? This keeps popping up on my Twitter. I don't know much about it. What's going on? People are saying that the Retards Choice Awards, like that they need to revote, kick us out because the Retards Choice Awards are losing validity because our show is doing so well. Because we made it to the finals of the Retard Choice Awards. But wouldn't you, wouldn't we be able to argue that that is exactly proving that this is a poll done for retarded people? Yeah, we can't be, suddenly we can't be the king of the, just because we're elected king of the retards, we're not retarded or something I think that's arguably for us to beat Tim Dillon and

Rogan and Theo von To me satisfies the conceit of that pole that it's retarded. Yeah. Yeah, these guys are mainstream now But so now it's us against Legion of Scanks in the final Wow so we beat a we beat a But so now it's us against the Legion of Skanks in the final. Wow. So we beat, we beat. War mode. War mode.

We beat war mode in the semi-final. That's the one people were the most upset about I saw. Yeah, people think it's, this is all invalid now. But, but, okay. I mean, what's the criteria? I don't know. Why would they be... This isn't a quality litmus test, right?

This isn't a test of quality or popularity. A lot of those podcasts are far bigger than ours. Yeah, tons of them are more popular. I don't know what it is. I don't think, I think people just came, but I think that it's going to create an undercurrent of people who don't like us. Yeah, I don't want that. That's for damn sure.

I don't want that. It would be like this 5% of like comedy fans who are like, we know what the actual good shit is. But it's funny, it's funny that thinking that the retard choice award has a, there's like controversy because it's invalid. Because the wrong tards are casting their ballots. The retards are circling back with a fake mustache on to vote again. Well I think the question is do they think the people who are voting for us are too retarded or not retarded enough? Oh that's interesting.

Do you know what I mean? That they're doing what Johnny Knoxville did in the ringer to gain an unfair advantage or something. Or something. That's tough to say. Yeah. That's tough to say. My guess is that these people who are angry are mistaking the point of the whole exercise.

Don't be angry at us. We didn't ask for this burden of being the choice. No. Of being the people's champ. That said, for some reason I do want to win. I don't know why. I wanted to have a good run, but you don't want to be, I mean, just being at the top of the mountain

and everybody wants to fucking kill you. They just have to go to war. They have to go to war at all times. I wanted to have a nice run and then get nipped. Yeah. Hey, I got a sports question for you. Hit me, brother. All right, so let's say that you, you know,

were gonna be drafted into the NBA and you had your choice of which team to play for, but your main consideration was not winning a title or whatever, it was the city that you want to live in. Which I think is a lot of NBA players' actual main consideration. Motherfuckers wanna be in California. People wanna be in New York.

People wanna be in Miami. See, that's just, to me, that's so short-sighted for the first two, California and New York, and for one reason alone, which is taxes. That's true. You live in New York, you play for the Knicks. Sure, it's pretty historic to suit up

and play in Madison Square Garden every night. However, you're talking about you know based on what those guys make it's you're probably paying 50% in taxes. Literally. It's an 18% state tax plus an added 4 plus percent in city that fundamentally if you play for the San Antonio Spurs, the Dallas Mavericks, the Miami Heat, fucking any of those teams, Orlando Magic, you are not paying any of that. And on top of that, rent in New York versus Orlando is what, seven X for the same apartment.

It's probably easier to get around, faster to get to your massive McMansion that you have out there. Yeah, you're traveling 41 games of the year. You're not even home that often. And basically the season is just a complete dedication to being in the office, in the gym. Right? I think a lot of it is about the thotties though. But these days with fly out culture, you can be in Minnesota and you can fly out. I mean, Aunt Edwards has had how many kids

in the last three years? Oh, has he had more now? Oh, yeah, he's having a ton of kids. And there he's finding a way to have sex. And he's in Minnesota. Yeah, exactly. It gives exactly. That's about as remote of a market as you could choose. Yeah, Oklahoma City, you know, right. And I'm sure there's thought he's in Oklahoma City. These women will get there somehow. Fly out culture. It exists. But I mean, for whatever reason,

I think that guys just wanna be in like Beverly Hills. You know? Yeah. They wanna be part of that. Retire there. It's waiting. Amass as much money as you can so that you can buy yourself a far better house

in Beverly Hills when you're 34 years old. When you retire at 34. My god. But I think a lot of NBA players don't consider that they'll make less money out of the NBA. You know what I mean? They're making $20 million, and they're like, oh, I'll probably make $20 million every year.

I think that that's actually a very human thing that people don't... People always think of it as always going up and they don't consider it that like they might... People peak earning wise. I always think about how this may be the most money I ever going to make, which is why I try to spend it as much as possible because I don't know that next year I'll have this money to spend. You might not have it to spend. I might not have it to spend.

Exactly. You don't want to end when you're just going to carry it around to next year when you're making less money. And then the money's even more precious. Do you know how sad I would be in a year if I were making half my income to walk by a Brunello sample sale? To not be able to go and buy like 20 items at a Brunello sample sale? To not be able to go and buy like 20 items at a Brunello sample sale?

Correct. To not be able to drop five figures at a Brunello sample sale? Do the next one I'm looking for, and by the way, this is a problem. Oh, Dana Beersie. Mr. Beers. Oh, what's up my brothers?

Mr. Beers is here. Get the beers of queers. How we fucking doin'? We're good. We needed you for just like a little bit of time just because we don't have Sasquatch and you guys are basically the same person. Yeah. Isn't he complaining a lot though?

Oh yeah, I guess you're better about that. I don't think I really complain. I can get you complaining. Sure. I know some things, some hot button issues. Talk to me. It can get you complaining sure I know some things some hot-button issues talk to me It'll get you complaining talk to me. Well the big item of note is that your wedding is fast approaching Well, she's talking for solely about it back on the oh Are you are crunch time so we got a fast approach in the red zone right now? I've stole that from him

We're in the red zone Really and so what are you good? What the fuck are you you gonna do the red zone eating like myself with fucking fat lost drugs are you in the red zone in the sense that your scale has a black range and then when it goes too high it turns into the red yes dude like an engine what's it what's the goals what's the goals for how much that you want to like where are you and where do you want to be? I weighed myself this morning. I'm down two pounds in one week on Ozempic. That's good. 269. I'd like to be 250 269 is huge We talked about this is it really yeah, we we we

64 Dana was in Dana was in Myrtle Beach and he and I shared a golf cart. Mm hmm. And You know by the time that we returned it to the cart boys He didn't even have to step off his side was flushed to the ground No, it was like a yeah, it was just like a ramp. I wish that was true. That'd be fucking sick That would be fucking sick. Damn. I think that 250 is attainable. It is. I've done it before. The first time I went on the big O, I got there. I got to the 240s.

That's the skydiving weight. You can't skydive over 250. Mm-hmm. And, uh... They didn't let you skydive. What's crazy is that they didn't let you skydive and you were, what, 255 or something like that? No. God, no. Oh, you were way over, you were way over big. I was 280. Oh

Dude that was the fastest I've ever been I'd like to see you at 300 pounds I want you to go in one direction or the other. I don't like good I don't want you to be where you're at fiance say, um, I mean She definitely loves me no matter what But like a bush quiver I'm just thinking about me being 300 pounds. Maybe she might not three years not that far away is the thing I think you would wear it fine. You would wear it fine. I think you'd wear it fine Well, you can't really notice you being that big or or not. It's all in my fucking ass. I have a humongous ass

Which is nice. That's the best place to carry weight. Yeah, but not for a guy. Yes, it is, dude You don't want to get guys asses actually the pants I'm wearing today Oh my god My god, it did bounce bro. It did jiggle. That's fucking wild Oh my god, it did bounce bro. It jiggles. That's fucking wild It's not my type. It's unsettling. It's all in my legs. I have trunks. I got good legs actually I have good quads. No. Never. You probably could though. You probably could fucking squat like a demon. It's stomach hind legs ass What are you a centaur fucking woodland creature

The kind legs So so what's your plan to get the like what are you gonna do differently this time on the oh, I've been crushing orange theory Okay, that's really good. Yeah, it's like a thousand. I do I try to beat everyone in calories But then I realize I'm just way bigger than everyone. It's like it's like 50 year old woman It's a little bit easier to make them when they're like a hundred. Yeah flat Yeah, I do that like a couple times a week and then Diet just let the just let the beers drugs do their work Diet just let the just let the beers with the drugs do their work

You act like it's gonna melt it off of you, yeah, just it does appetite suppressant Yeah But there was a point where I was trying to beat the drug and it I beat it like I gained the weight on was Epic, but that's what I just didn't care. I was like, I don't fucking care now I can tell it's it's flowing through me and I had a few beers the't care. I was like, I don't fucking care. Now I can tell it's flowing through me and I had a few beers the other day and I was like, whoa, I don't feel very good. And I couldn't really, I couldn't go full throttle like I usually do.

With the beers? Yeah, it affects your drinking for sure. That's brutal. That's why I got off of it because I was like, I wanna get fucked up a lot. What are you gonna do if like... I can't make this kind of a sacrifice. What are you asking too much? Yeah. What are you gonna do with your like tux and stuff?

What do you mean? Like is it what's what size like are you locked in on the size? I got sized and I told the lady that I was gonna be skinnier. Okay. She probably hears that every fucking day But I did I was like I'm gonna be skinnier in a few months. So don't lock these in yet. She's like, alright And she just like gave me a look and then wrote it down about like a my waist is a 40 right now Okay, great. Don't lock these in yet is a crazy thing to tell your tailor They very much need to like not lock the exact numbers in yeah, they have to lock it in That's a good point Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing a black top just a nice black tux nothing crazy

It'll be good old me would have worn something nuts. Is it a black tie wedding? No, okay You know wear whatever you want. The bachelor party Marty's bachelor party looks so fucking fun. It was a good time and then yours is coming up, right? I have back-to-back bachelor. I'm leaving tomorrow for another which is like a tough feeling like you just recover from the last one And then you gotta get on a flight to another one It was fun. Mine is in April. What are you laughing at? I forget what the question was. Mine is in April. Early April. You're home for a day between bachelor parties.

I know. It fucking sucks, dude. But I'm gonna get back on the horse. After your series of bachelor parties. After your series of films. You know what the best part about that series was? I didn't even consider any of the places I went. Because you checked them off already. You literally have lived the bachelor party there. You don't have to. Where are you going for yours?

For Lottie. That's going to be sick. Yeah. Marty's looked so fun. It was a good time. It was an interesting, I've never seen that before. The two combinations, or the combination of two parties. It was an interesting, I've never seen that before. The two combinations or the combination of two parties. Yeah. It was fun. It's cool. Yeah. But you so your fiance was there too. She was. She's friends with Rhea. That's nice.

It was a nice little treat for me. She was on Rhea's Bachelorette? Yeah. It was a nice treat for Beersie. This is the marquee, that was the marquee bachelor slash bachelorette event in Barstool history this past weekend. Yeah, Eddie was there. Hubs. Smokes. Did smokes tell you about anything? He said that. He had a moment. It was. I know Tommy talks a lot about moments. He had a real moment. In beer pong? Yeah, baseball. Oh, baseball. Yeah. What happened? We were down 13-5 in the eighth inning, bottom of the eighth. What are they laughing at? The story is funny. They were down 13-5 in the bottom of the eighth inning.

We're fucking down and out. We need eight runs to just tie it up. We're getting single, single, singles. Tommy steps up for it. And he's like, boys, I'm going to hit a grand slam right now. Hits the grand slam. We're down 13-9. Couple hits, couple hits, couple hits.

We're just chippin' away. Tommy just keeps hitting cups. He hits the go ahead, he goes, I'm gonna hit the go ahead homer right now. Bangs it, and we go up 14-13. We called him 8th inning Tommy all weekend. That's sick. That's sick. 8th inning Tommy. We couldn't stop calling him that. So he's in the

conversation for MVP. I heard Jeff Lowe was in the conversation for MVP. Jeff Lowe is, I've never seen anything like it. Ever. He ordered four deliveries in a span of two hours the second we got there. He delivered a drink mixer set of air mattress, sprite, and a smoothie all separately within two hours. They said that he was ordering chapsticks. Or he just orders whatever he wants. He just go puffs it and it's there. I guess that is the future. Everyone was calling Eddie the LVP, which I don't love. Only because he was snooping a lot. He was taking a lot of snoopers.

That's what he calls his naps? Yeah, a lot of snoopers. Sometimes you need that. I got into it with GB for a moment. What happened with you and Glunny? He's just always giving me shit. It's like we were tired. Everyone was sitting on the couch. couch He's like I want to go out. I want to go out You know going balls just all he wants to do is go out and get pussy

You're with a bunch of fucking engaged men like nobody wants to really go out with a group of 16 guys Yeah, and he just like Dana. Why aren't you fucking going out? I'm like dude I don't I don't want to go out right now and of course of the couch of all the guys that didn't want to go out He picked on me. Yeah, that's bullshit by Glenie. Yeah fucking G.B. Just take the single guys take fucking Noah and Smokes. Smokes yeah exactly. But we got over it and we were fine the next day. I heard that that Marty's brother did a great job with the finding the restaurants stuff like that. I mean I love Nicky Mush I don't think he did a single thing

Might have gotten the reservation, but even then I was like, hey great job on the reservation and he like hesitated and he was like Oh, thank you. So it didn't sound like he actually did that I'm just gonna I love you. No, we love him too. We love him, too I was just trying to find out who the MVP obviously. I would say Marty and Rhea obviously. I guess Tommy. Just counting them. Yeah, Tommy. I guess.

Fine. I hate to hear that. I know. And he's gonna fucking love to hear it. I'll give it to Tommy. That's so fucking brutal. What's the move in Laudy? How's the schedule gonna be different down there?

Thursday, get in, get fucked up. Friday, golf, get fucked up at golf and then get fucked up after. Saturday, get fucked up, go to the casino. That's it. That sounds perfect. What a fun idea. That sounds perfect. I wonder how you're going to get to all of those things. We'll have cars, but we're not going to, I'm not just kidding. That didn't logistically sound difficult at all. It doesn't sound overbooked. How are you going to get to get f**ked up? As a weekend. Yeah.

All I need is my boys in an Airbnb. I love that. I don't need anything else in this world That's such like all I need basic maybe a table. No You mean that like a club or like just like no no plastic table Like table service no God like Evans no Club table fuck out of here. No plastic table. So you just need your boys in a plastic table No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I went to Atlantic City for the weekend with a big group of people. And there were a bunch of couples, bunch. I think I was single at the time.

And my other buddy was also single. So we were the only two single guys the whole weekend. And we didn't care about anything. And everybody else, the minute we got into the house, big, big shared house, everybody was complaining about if they got the right bedroom, you know, who felt like shorted on that, you know, complaining about all these things. We brought ping pong paddles and we had, there was this big round table. It was kind of oval

table and we just started playing two cups, the type of beer pong that we played in college where you try to hit the ball into the cups. And we did that, I mean, I guess we left the house a couple of times, but we didn't need to. And everybody else around us was getting ready or calling Ubers, wondering what should we do? How are we going to split wise this bill? We just, we're at the table.

That's nice. So fun, dude. Some people have to turn their brain off. Everybody can't be like hovering or trying to figure shit out. Dude, it was so amazing the contrast between our stress and our lack of stress and the stress of everyone else. Some of my favorite nights in the history of my life

have been sitting on a couch with my best friend from home. We just got a 30 rack. We just sat there, got fucked up, and argued about basketball. That's cool. I like that, but I like to do something. Yeah, I guess. I like to play something. Yeah, I guess I like to you know

I like to play a little beer pong or or even if it were to play cards while we're yeah talking Maybe you guys just didn't have a table then we did. Well, was there a table? Trying to think is we used to go to that house all the time and there wasn't really a good table Yeah, exactly. So it's like we so you could have a good time but we put the 30 like right here yeah and we just so that was basically damn near the table yeah pretty much that's great that is such a nice time yeah such a nice time. We used to get in heated arguments well we would just fucking yell at each other about like Kobe verse fucking LeBron like 15 beers deep and I would go to bed and I'd

a couple of times, ehh. What you threw up? No, I pissed his couch a few times. You pissed his couch? You were sleeping on it? Yeah, I damn near lived at this man's house. I would fall asleep on the couch a lot.

What kind of couch was it? Was it pretty nice? Was it like a family couch? No, it was a pretty shitty couch. That's fine then. Piss the couch. That's part of it. Like the fake leathery, like, kind of shit couch. I'm on a good streak though.

It's been probably... two years? This might be too much of an ask, but do you think that you're gonna consummate your marriage on your wedding night? I think he asked me that on our show. Did I? And I forget what I said. I said, I don't know.

I have a piece of advice. Oh, you mean like have a baby? No, no, just have sex. Oh, maybe. Well, my question is, are you going to be too fucked up to have sex? Oh, yes, for sure. Right, so that's why my advice would be,

on the day of your wedding, you have morning sex. Okay. But I wake up, you get it out of the way, and you feel good. I mean, I'm the biggest whiskey dick guy you'll ever meet. So like, it's not gonna happen. Yeah. Same.

You know? Same. I get whiskey dick sober. Well, it just didn't happen for me, I'm like. I get whiskey dick sober. Well it just didn't happen for me. I get water dick. It's also at the end of your wedding, by the time you get into water dick. Just a seed cucumber.

I literally get water dick. Can't even keep it in your hand. Just milk dick, just any type of, anything you drink makes your dick not work oh shit I got the coffee dick I've coffee dick I had coffee this morning oh no I'm gonna need some time that Red Bull is going straight to my dick sorry babe you know how I get but but I was to say you'll also be tired. You'll be really, really tired.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. So you'll want to just pass out. Yeah. What's your plan for my wedding? We were talking about it. Yeah, did you book anything yet? Not yet, but I will. I'm going to.

I think invites are coming out today. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. I'm going to, I'll probably fly to Hyannis as you suggested. That's where JFK had a house. Yeah. I think. Hyannis. That's where he died or something. No, no, no, no, not him. One of his family members died there. Teddy drove the women into the river. Yes. Water. Yes. Right? Not JFK. Yeah. One of his boys. But they the Kennedys did have that's

where they summered. Yes. You guys should take pictures at that bridge. Yeah. Just for the vibes. Yeah, we should. For that. Probably some some good ass vibes. Maybe we get in a day earlier. We can play some golf. Yeah. Yeah. My home club.

Ooh. Yeah. Wait, you want me to without me? I can say it right now. It's not going to happen. That would be Thursday. Uh I feel like you'll have yeah wedding down Friday. Yeah, you got to my side. Sorry, maybe a couple days early. Yeah, Wednesday There's how nice is it having for solely around he's the best Yeah, I missed the best. What do you think boy? What are you using? So we call each other. We call each other thick when you were just like, I'm 269, that's huge. And I just heard Vassali be like, what the fuck?

I'm 255. You're 255? I mean, I would have guessed more. That's not true. You're looking good. Yeah. That wasn't a chirp. I'm saying you look good.. That wasn't a chirp. I'm

saying you look good. Just call him on a big boy. You guys have a great rapport. Yeah. I love it. Um alright. I'll let you guys get to it. I know you guys have stuff to shoot. I'll appreciate it. Uh I will be in where am I? Uh I'll be in New Brunswick on Saturday, one night only, two shows.

Tickets are almost out for that. So that's punchup.live.transitcells. I'm coming to Baltimore, March 20th to the 22nd or 19th to the 21st. Baltimore, I'll be at the port. And I'm adding so many dates. We also have Providence in April, Dallas in April, so on and so forth. Many, many places coming. Tickets at punchup.live slash phraseitself. Hope to see you there.

Anything? No. What do you call your listeners? Do you have a nickname? I don't know. I mean, never really thought of that. No, we don't have that. Just wanted to say bye to them. Bye guys. Just, bye guys. See you guys.

You don't have to do that, Dana. Alright, my bad. Thanks. Thanks. Where's Sass? Close was over, still, still underground. So I looked older Till you came around I was only falling one way I was only falling one way Days were drifting I was only falling one way

Days were drifting Full, full was I So, so then you listened I come alive I was only falling my way I was only falling my way I was only falling my way I was only falling one way Finished through your eyes

Did you realize No one could take me alive I was only falling one way You can take me alive I was only falling one way See you just a distant light Feel fast forever right blind Calling just a memory Take my hand and you can see I'm Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,