Son of a Boy Dad - Fergus | Son of a Boy Dad #294

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

Fergus | Son of a Boy Dad #294 -- #Ad; Go to https://kraken.com/barstool to learn more -- #Ad: Download the Gametime app today and use code BOYDAD for $20 off your first purchase -- #Ad: Connect with a provider at RO.co/SON to find out if prescription Ro Sparks are right for you and get $15 off your first order -- #Ad: GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. $5+ first-time bet req. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos. Ends 5/18/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, son of a boy, dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York, call 877-8HOPENY or text HOPE and why 467369 in Connecticut help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boothill Casino in Resorting Kansas, 21 and over, age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction.

Voighton, Ontario, new customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co.slash.audio. By the way, you know what I mean? A couple more episodes of the caliber we've been doing. People are going to say, don't bring Rome back. We'll hit a wall.

Wall-y pip. We'll hit a wall. Wall-y pip as a result of children. We've got maybe two more of these in us, and then the walls come crumbling down. And we're right back to talking about like new bit ideas. Remember that episode that we did? No, not really. We did an episode where it was just us and we just talked about new ideas for bits like vague concepts. I I Was like one of my dogs is cute and one of them is ugly there's got to be something there Something there

All right one two check check check test test test here we are All test here we are. All righty welcome back to the son of a boy dad podcast. You didn't even do your mic check. Yeah I did. Oh I suppose you did. Yeah it's April 21st and we are here live from HQ3. Welcome back to the show. You go headphones under your coat. I do. Why is that? I do that all the time.

Even if I just have a t-shirt on, I'll put it under the t-shirt. Why? I don't like it getting, being out. Willy nilly. That's a lot. It's a lot of wire there. You know you, another fix would be?

What? To have the current technology of earbuds. Well, I've, see I've had three pairs of those and I've lost all of them. So you don't think that you deserve to have the expensive ones anymore? No, I just don't, I don't feel like having to go buy new $300 headphones once a week.

This is exactly my thought process. But now I have good headphones. Really excited to buy new sunglasses. What kind? Coasters. Oh nice, those are good for fishing. That's why I got them. They have bought new sunglasses. What kind? Coasters. Oh, nice. Those are good for fishing. That's why I got them.

They have- Blue tint. Do they do, are they polarized? Yeah. Yeah, cause you gotta cut through the water if you're looking for big browns. It's great for sight fishing. Yeah. It's honestly great for what we were doing in Virginia.

Yep. Yeah. I figured those guys, they were able to spot the cobia so far away and I said, why is that? And then I realized it's because of the sunglasses. They had sunglasses, yeah. Yeah, that's it. It is insane how much of a difference it makes.

Crazy. I never believed it. And then I put on Bose, you just had sun clouds. You're familiar with sun clouds? No, but when you said Bose, I was thinking the sound system. The headphones. Because we were talking headphones earlier, now we're talking sunglasses. Yes. There you go. We move again. We move fast the pages

Yeah ripped apart, but uh Sunclouds they make they make like cheap not cheap, but they're like not expensive like they're like 50 bucks Yeah for a pair and they're great Work well cool. Yeah. Hell. Yeah look into them Not expensive, like they're like 50 bucks for a pair, and they're great, work well. Cool, hell yeah. Look into them. I got hit up by a company and they're sending me some, but I don't, it's, I'm just gonna say

their name really quick, because I'm excited to have them, and it's Randolph sunglasses, you ever seen those? Yeah, Randy's. You ever seen those? Yeah, Randy's. You ever seen them? Yeah. Makeup Aviators. Yeah.

It's polarized, they're all made in the USA. So they sent me a pair and I'm pretty stoked. I think they're gonna be there when I get home. I think mine are gonna be there when I get home. We should do, we'll send each other photos. Why is everything a competition with you? How is that a competition? I say I think they're gonna be there when I get home

and you go, I think mine are gonna be there when I get home. And you go, I think mine are going to be there. And then I said, let's send each other photos when we get home. So it wasn't so much a competition as it was? No, it was just relating to what you were saying, that we're both have sunglasses that will be there when we get home. Yeah, I think I've heard something psychologically

or pathologically about how, oh my god, before I say that, can I tell you a funny story? Of course. So you don't celebrate that, can I tell you a funny story? Of course. So you don't celebrate Easter, right? Cause you're a... No, I do. I didn't celebrate it this year. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's a pretty big, I get Christmas, but Easter as a Jewish person seems really... Well, we like, I mean, we like get together. To do what? Celebrate the resurrection of Christ? Yeah, he's risen. You think we're not gonna celebrate?

No. He was one of us. Anytime one of us comes back to life, we're gonna celebrate. That all confuses me. That Jesus was Jewish? Yeah. Why?

Why would, why would- Louis has a great bit about- Why would Christianity celebrate him as their Messiah if he is Jewish? Because Judaism was around before Catholicism. Ooh, them's fighting words. But it's not fighting words. You came with your fangs today, bro

Well, there's a day that the Pope is dead my namesake the man for whom I was named Pope Francis Pope Francis I'm trying to remember if it was Louie or Joe list that has the bit of it I think it's Louie about Jesus him telling his friend that Jesus was Jewish and he was like, I don't think so He's like and he was like, I don't think so. And he's like, no, he was. And he's like, what do you think? He was wearing the crucifix? And he was like, holy shit, that's me.

That's Louis. I think I've heard that. So yeah, really quick, I mean, let's just cover, let's just cover sort of Easter and what it means to you and your family, because I get a little confused about this kind of, you know, you're picking and choosing, you're kind of talking at both sides of your mouth. Yeah, I have big time pick and choose.

And to me- It's one of the perks. In 50-50. Yeah, I just, it feels like you can't really have it both ways. You can. And you're choosing to have it all. You can. Which, you know, next thing you know, you're gonna be fuckin', you know, saying a la Akbar on 9-eleven well and saying like this is the great day of our of our

Of our faith. That's crazy Tell me you can't record today because you're too hungry from Ramadan Using all different manner of Or let's say that someone attacked us you and me on the street. It's antisemitic. And I was like. It's a hate crime. No, you'd say, I can't retaliate and defend us because I'm a practicing Buddhist

and peace is a core tenant of our faith. Well, I am a practicing Buddhist, but that's not a religion, that's spirituality. Are you sure? Yes. Positive. Hinduism? Well, Hinduism and Buddhism aren't the same thing. Really? Yeah.

Boy, I get those confused. Yeah. Will you explain to me the difference between those two? Can't, don't know them, but I know they're not the same thing. Are not all- And I know Buddhism is not a religion. are not all Hindus Buddhist? No. Are all Buddhists Hindu?

Buddhism is more of like a way of living. Right, am I wrong on that? I don't even think Buddhism is considered a religion at all. Okay, well, listen, we don't pretend to be experts on everything on this podcast. Hey, hey, hey, hey, it is a religion. Buddhism is. Yes, Buddhism is a religion. Okay. I was wrong.

Although some consider it a philosophy as well. That's me. I'm more on the philosophy side. I would also go so far as to say, you weren't wrong if you said that. Now Buddhism, one of the major world religions. OK, well then you're wrong.

Yeah. Began in India around the sixth century BCE. Can you tell me a little bit about Hinduism and Buddhism? Do they go hand in hand? Can one be both? Let's see. Are Buddhism and Hinduism the same? No. Are they very different? Buddhism and Hinduism are not the same, although they share common origins and some overlapping beliefs and practices.

Buddhism originated as a reform movement within Hinduism, and while they both share concepts like karma, reincarnation, and spiritual liberation, they differ significantly in their views on the existence of a supreme God, the nature of self, and the path of enlightenment. So that's really interesting. So it sounds like Buddhism is almost... Buddhism isn't to Hinduism what Protestantism is to Catholicism. Yeah. Isn't that fascinating? Yeah, it is. That's cool.

Yeah. Isn't that fascinating? Yeah, it is. That's cool. Yeah. Amazing that these reform movements have spawned such large branches of the parent religion. Yeah. But that is interesting, right? That does mean that Buddhism was once or is sort of fathered by Hinduism. Yeah. Got it.

Well. No personal thought. Yeah, that's why I didn't think it was a religion. Hmm. Okay. We're talking about your, your faith. We're talking about Easter. Yeah, and how you, you guys got together. So you make a point to see your family on Easter? Typically, yeah. What's point to see your family on Easter? Typically, yeah. What's more important to your family, Easter or Passover? We've never celebrated Passover ever.

Do you do Hanukkah? No. You don't do any Jewish holidays? We celebrated Hanukkah when I was young. What made you decide to move on from that? We didn't, we weren't really into it. Oh, so it's just- As a group. How appealing the holidays are that says,

makes you say, we're done with this. I'm not a very religious person. I don't expect it to be you. And my family isn't either. I would say we were, I grew up Catholic. It was always kind of weird, because my dad wasn't Catholic. And he would go to church with us

and he would just sit there. Yeah. And then we'd go get communion and he would leave. He'd leave during communion? He would go stand in the back and wait for us to be done. He wouldn't do the, he wouldn't go up and do the, put the hands? No, he's a grown man.

He's not gonna go up to the fucking priest and give him the axe. One time I went to a wedding that was a Catholic wedding. You ever been to one of those? The Catholic mass weddings? Oh yes, yes, my cousins. They're long. This one wasn't too long. It was probably the same length as a normal mass. They're long and dark.

Dark? Ours was pretty positive. It was probably the same length as a normal mass. They're long and dark. Dark. Ours was pretty positive. Well, it's all in Latin. They're singing their dirge. OK, so no, I have not been to one of these weddings. Yeah. A Catholic mass wedding, and you say it's the same as a regular mass.

Well, regular mass is long. It is. It's like 45 minutes to an hour. Correct. So most wedding ceremonies are not that long. How long are they? Well, we always do an over-under, my buddies and I, when we're at weddings together.

We always set a line at how long we think from the start of the procession, first person to come down the aisle, right, to when we're clapping as they walk off. I was the first person to go down the aisle at my cousin's wedding. Really? Second, sort of first. Brought my grandmother down.

You brought your grandmother down? I walked my grandmother down the aisle. And did the officiant not proceed you? I don't think so now. That's unusual. I don't know. Usually I think the officiant goes first. No, I'm pretty sure it was me and my grandma. Like 99.9% sure. And then you deposited her? I deposited her and went back to my seat.

Oh, and you went back to your seat? So you weren't a groomsman? I was not a groomsman, no. Hmm. That's nice. Yeah. Okay, whatever. I don't really know why we went there. Yeah. Okay, whatever. I don't really know why we went there. About your grandmother and stuff like that. Cause you're telling stories about these weirdly religious weddings that you go to

where they're speaking in Latin tongues. Yeah, that's a Catholic mass wedding. I've never, I went to a Catholic mass wedding. There was no, we weren't preaching in Latin. That wasn't, the one you went to was not a Catholic mass. It was. It was at a Catholic church in Massachusetts. Did you have the one you went to was not a Catholic mass. It was. It was at a Catholic church in Massachusetts. Did you have a, was there a priest? Yes. That, so that's who the officiant

would have been, right? The priest officiates the wedding. Priest was already up there. Makes sense. I can live with that. Okay. Then- Who did you think it was going to be? The pope? I said, who was the officiant? And you were like, I don't know. And I said, usually the officiant, you hadn't made it clear to me that the wedding that had your grandmother where you said, you know, dropped her off, whatever. I don't know what she did from that point. You sat down.

How old is she? In her eighties. Okay. Well, my point being- It's a respectable thing to do. You wouldn't do that. No, I think that's fine. You wouldn't help your grandmother down the aisle?

I would. You seem to have a little bit of pushback on it. Here's my issue. You were waiting for something to pounce on. Here's my issue. With me walking my grandmother down the aisle at my cousin's wedding, what's the issue? I didn't know that that was the Catholic wedding. Okay.

I thought that was a different wedding. No, no that that was the Catholic wedding. Okay. I thought that was a different wedding. No, no, that was the Catholic wedding. So I'm picturing you in Hawaii. No. Going down the aisle with your wedding, of the wedding, dropping your grandmother off, you filing back to your seat,

me saying you're not a groomsman, wondering why would they have you guys walk down the aisle at all? Oh yeah, I could see the confusion there. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah. But it sounds like all the family came down the aisle at all. Oh yeah, I could see the confusion there. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah. But it sounds like all the family came down the aisle because it's a Catholic mass.

You file into your pews, indoors, right? Vaulted ceilings, stained glass windows. You're describing a church, yeah. Big one, huge, organ. Yeah, nice one too. Haunting. Yeah, not quite. Pleasant.

Young altar boys lighting candles. No? Not really. With that one thing. That kind of died out a little bit, I think. The whole altar boy. I wouldn't be surprised if there's significantly less altar boys now than there were even like 15 years ago.

You think it's because of that movie? Spotlight. Yeah. I don't think it helped. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was like, I used to like read at church and shit.

Like I'd go up on stage on Sundays and have to read like a something out of the Bible. Wow. You were deep in it. And I did it like twice. I can't believe your family quit after you were that We saw Spotlight as a family. We went to the theater at 7 p.m. showing. And that did it like twice. I can't believe your family quit after you were that committed. We saw Spotlight as a family. We went to the theater at 7 PM showing.

And that was it. And I was a rat. And then we were like, well, I guess we're Jews now. And your dad was like, finally. Come on over. I've been waiting in the back all this time. Come on over. Now, not for nothing, just so we're clear here.

I don't want to play favorites. I've been to a conservative Jewish wedding. Just as boring. Yeah, I'm sure. Really boring. Yeah. Unbelievably boring. I'm sure.

They walk around the couple like three times, or maybe the woman walks around the husband as if she's like trying to cast a spell on him. Yeah, I've never been to one of those. I've only seen it in Goodfellas. It's all in a different language. Yeah, Hebrew. You know, Hebrew.

And you don't, I don't think you get the vows. You don't get the vows that are lovely. Jessica, from the moment I met you, I said to myself, one day we will be here in Temple Beth-El-shabbat I Feel like the entire time I was at my cousin's wedding I was so because like the Catholic Church or in general for any of these weird like Ceremonies that you have to do like first communion confirmation like all that shit

I feel like 90% of it is just knowing where you're supposed to go next Yeah, and the entire time I was at my cousin's wedding, I was just like, when do I go get my grandmother? That was all I was thinking about. To get her out of there. To leave. I was like, I don't know when this is going to end because I'm going to have to be the first person that stands up. Because my grandmother is the first person that walks out, I guess. She's got to go first. Yeah.

Because she doesn't have that much time? No, no, no. She does have plenty of time,, but she was how do you know that? Oh, you'd assume she's healthy You said she's in her 80s. Do you know which side? Which side of her 80s? Mm-hmm. I would say yeah below 85. Oh, she's in her young 80s. Yeah Yeah She's in her young 80s. Yeah. Yeah. She's in her early 80s. Yeah. I don't think there is such a thing as early 80s. I think there is.

You're just in your 80s. There's a big difference between early 80s and late 80s. No, there's like early 20s. Late 80s is like a dog, the difference between like a dog being nine and 10. Nine, you're like, look at this little pup. 10, you're like, all right. No, mathematically, wouldn't it be the difference between being like 12 and 13?

I have no idea. I didn't run the numbers. I didn't do the math. 12 is 84, 13 is 91. In dog years. Yeah. Wow. I didn't actually break it down in dog years. But then again, a lot of breeds don't make it to 12.

Yeah. Which is kind of why I'm so impressed that your grandmother's skipping down the aisle. Yeah, well not skipping. Jumping out of the church to go get Arby's or something. That's why I had to help. No, we just, we go outside. Yeah, but you were assigned to her

because everyone knew you get fidgety in those long ceremonies. No, not true at all. They said Harry's young. No, I don't get fidgety. He's in his early 20s. I don't get fidgety at those long ceremonies. No, not true at all. They said Harry's young. No, I don't get fidgety. He's in his early 20s. I don't get fidgety at those things. I know you.

No. You can sit still for an hour through one of those things. Oh, easily. Really? Easily. Man, I went nuts. I just check out. And we went to a Protestant church.

We went to an Episcopalian church. You gotta talk at those. You could do anything there. You could make out with a dude. Yeah, you can. They're big on that. They're open. Very progressive.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of throuples. Dude, by the way, quick story. One time, this guy in our neighborhood, his house burned down, and I had just been told about it on the way to church. Yeah. Right? And so in church, that they were doing that thing where they were offering prayers for people or wishing goodwill on various members of the community,

and they mentioned the church. And I went, oh! Why? Because it just, I knew about it. I was like nine. And I couldn't help myself. And I just, oh, like I know about that. I remember everyone's heads turned to me.

Every single person in the church. As though I lit the match. Yeah. Or I started the dryer. That's right. Was it a dryer? A lint fire? I don't know.

I feel like that's what it is 90% of the time. Really? I feel like people's houses, every time someone's house burns down. I feel like that's what it is 90% of the time. Really? I feel like people's houses, every time someone's house burns down, I feel like they're always like, it was the dryer. I saw something on Instagram that was extremely concerning. It was someone cleaning the lint out of their dryer.

And they were like, why does no one tell us about this? It's like, I think it's like the first thing people tell you when you get a dryer. That one, that one, and the drawer that has the water. Yeah, the water drawer, which One of the most satisfying things removing the water taking the water out and dumping. Oh, yeah, it's so good Also, do you ever think when you do something like that that if the world ended and you had to go out on a foraging mission? You would check all the dryers for water, things like that. Yeah, yeah, that's smart.

You know, you siphoned all the nearby cars of gasoline. What are you gonna use flint for? Starting the fire? Start fires. You've got plenty of birch bark. At that point, you figured out better ways. Not until it rains, you don't. You've kept the coal from the previous night's fire warm, which you can blow on,

as the Wabanaki tribe did. I'm assuming multiple different tribes did that. I'm going to go with Wabanaki on this one. Do you know that there were Wabanakis and Abenakis? I did. No, you didn't. There's like 800 different variations of Aki. Is that right? 100 different variations of Naki. I don't know if the people are still on there.

Is that right? We had a big Wabanaki presence in Maine. That's where they were. Up in the sticks. They like to keep them right on the border of Canada. To honor them, we named a lot of rivers after their nomenclature. I think the Kabasekanti is after them. The Androskagan, that might be a different tribe.

Like Winnipeg? Yeah, that's up there. That's New Hampshire though, right? All right, let's stay on point here. All right, so. I'm not really sure what the point is. No, but that's, I'm dancing. I'm float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

You don't know, you don't see me coming. No, I do. No, you think you do. And then I got you with that old grandmother thing. No, all right, continue. That was a body shot. So, back to you guys switched from Catholicism to Judaism. That's a big leap.

I've never heard of someone doing that. We didn't switch. You just said. I was kidding when I said we left Spotlight as a family and said we're Jews now. Yeah, but you said. I wasn't being serious. You said your dad said we're leaving

and you guys went over there. No, that's not what happened at all. We just stopped. I mean, people in my family are still Catholic. Sounds like it. I'm sure some of them. You're dragging your grandmother down the aisle. people in my family are still Catholic. Sounds like it. I'm sure some of them. You're dragging your grandmother down the aisle. Well, my grandmother's still Catholic.

But yeah, I mean, we just stopped. We don't really go to church anymore as much as we used to. And yeah, we kind of just faded away. OK, so you faded away from religion altogether. I wouldn't say I faded away from religion altogether. I'm just not really super die hard, I'm one. Okay, so you're a man of many, many faiths. I have many beliefs.

A polytheist? A polytheist. Yeah, I'm a polytheist. Okay. And so as it pertains to what I would consider to be my most holy day. Easter. You do take part in that.

On Easter? Yeah. No. You said you guys got together. We get together, but I didn't, I was in New York. I didn't do anything. Did your family get together? Yeah, they got together.

You all got together in New York? No, they got together in Massachusetts. I missed Easter. Did you zoom in or anything? No, I talked to my mom. That's it? Yeah. Did you zoom in or anything? No, I talked to my mom. That's it? Yeah. Were you on speaker?

No. Did she pass along your thoughts to the rest of the family? No. So you have separated from your family's religion into your own thing. No, I just couldn't go home this weekend. Doesn't it sound like that?

Yeah. Now, what was it about? But my family didn't go home this weekend. Doesn't it sound like that? Doesn't sound like that. Yeah. Now, what was it about? But my family didn't go to church. They had brunch. What was it about your family's new religion that you said, I don't want to take part in that? It's not their new religion. They don't have a new religion.

Well, they're getting together. My family is not celebrating a new religion. They're getting together on Easter. So they're getting together. My family is not celebrating a new religion. They're getting together on Easter, so they're still holding onto. They got together to have fucking eggs and bacon. I love that. Yeah. That's a fun way to celebrate Easter.

Most people eat, there's like an Easter brunch. Yeah. I had lamb, I cooked lamb. Sounds awful. No, it was great. Sounds terrible. Tenderloin over smashed potatoes. Oh, even worse,enderloin is nasty.

Carrots. Why, you don't like lamb? Nothing worse than when you'd go downstairs for dinner and my mom would be like, we're having pork tenderloin. No, no, lamb tenderloin. No, is it tenderloin? Rack of lamb, rack of lamb.

Is that tenderloin? Rack of lamb? Frenched sort of lollipop. Yeah. Lollipop lamb. It was great. I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this?

I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this?

I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this?

I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this? I was like, what's this them up. Little broil. And then I did carrots, which I've described my carrot recipe before. For the bunnies. Well, no. For the rabbits. But this is all why I brought all of this up.

Yeah. Before I got very distracted by your family's completely complicated religious devotion. I still couldn't make sense of how diverse your family's interests are. Let alone try to figure out what you are now subscribing to because you're not even taking part in what they do. Buddhism mostly.

I like that for you. The art of living. The art of sitting. The art of living. Okay, get this though. So my sister has a neighbor. Yeah. Where were you this weekend?

I was upstate. Ah, okay. Yeah. My sister has a neighbor and they were gonna do a joint Easter egg hunt with their neighbors. Yeah. Their neighbors have a few kids.

Yeah. And the neighbor's parents, they set out Easter eggs at night for the next day, hid them. And the next morning they woke up and found that all like 45 Easter eggs had been cracked open and every single piece of candy in them had been eaten. And the remains of the eggs were scattered around the yard.

Damn. And it was their four-year-old son. Damn. Who woke up at two in the morning. Yeah. And went out in the yard under the cover of moonlight and foraged and found all of the eggs, ate the candy, and then went back to bed.

That's insane. That's so brutal. Can you imagine? Yeah, that's crazy. That's a divine... I mean, I used to hunt for Christmas presents, which you probably didn't do that because you guys were... No, I do have vague memories of being outside

at like 1 a.m. on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve, looking up at the roof, wondering, can that hold the weight of eight reindeer and Santa? I remember going outside and my mom was doing something in the yard, so we had chickens at the time. I remember going outside and being like, I can't sleep. And my mom was like, why are you out here?

Like it was so late and I was so young. I was probably like eight years old. And it was like I was out in the I was outside looking for my mom at one in the morning. Christmas is kind of a battle for parents of young children. Because you get them as excited as you can through the years right when they're three and four. When my niece when I'm always with my family for Christmas, we're pretty devoted to one faith. And I'm always with them.

And I hype my niece up on Christmas. I sit her down and I tell her the true story about Santa Claus in the most minute detail. I'm sure she preaches that. Well, she loves it. But she's also kind of like shocked. Yeah. She's shocked. Yeah.

Because I'm explaining things in a, you know, again, talking about like why we had to reinforce the weight of our roof for Santa, and we opted for a flat roof so we'd have an easier landing. We have lights up there, a landing strip, things like that. Yeah. But I know that all of that is going to set the groundwork for her to

Be so filled with excitement when she's six and seven that it's going to make it very hard for her parents to Yeah, make Christmas happen Yeah That I think that was like the first time I ever experienced not being able to sleep. I lost you there for a second. I kind of didn't understand what you meant when you said

it was going to make it hard for Christmas to happen. Because parents have to set the presents out during the night when the kids are asleep. But as you said, you went on the hunt. Oh, yeah, you go hunting. You go hunting. Yeah. Normally I would hunt before Christmas.

Like with the weeks leading up. Yeah, looking in hiding places for presents. Interesting. Yeah, I didn't ever do that. Or I guess I kind of did that a little bit, but I always kind of was like, I don't even really want to find anything. You read that, man, that's very altruistic of you as a young boy.

Like I would look, but I would hope I didn't find. Well, that's how it is with me in relationships when I'm going through girls' phones. Yeah. You don't want to find the texts. But you're gonna. Well, I never found the presents. I found presents once at my grandmother's house. One time? And they were all addressed to Santa,

or they were all addressed from Santa. And I remember I brought them out and I was like, what the fuck are these? What, really? Yeah. This is before Christmas? Yeah. All they gotta do is be like, oh, he came early. Those are for the dogs. And I was like, oh, of course. That makes sense. That's what they said. Yeah. Something like that. I was like six. That's pretty quick.

Yeah. Pretty quick thinking. Yeah. It's for the dogs. Do you know if that was your mom or your dad that said that? I don't remember. I just remember that was like the go to. That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, very, I mean, truly fascinating. You said something that we glossed over, which I wanna come back to, which is that you had chickens. Yes, we did. Wow.

What was that like? I've had chickens like three different times throughout my life. And then you get rid of them, and then you get more? Yeah, pretty much. Because they die? They die. All of them. rid of them and then you get more? Yeah, pretty much. Because they die? They die. All of them.

All of them. So they die together? I don't really know how it works. All right, I guess we've had chickens. No, I think it was technically three times. There was two. We had chickens when I was young, when I was in middle school,

and then we moved and now we have chickens. We had chickens recently, but I want to say they're all dead. But they get killed all the time. But how? By like coyotes and foxes and hawks. So is that because you don't have a reinforced coop? No, I don't really know.

I think our chickens that we had now were more, they could just go wherever. Free range. Walk around. Yeah. And then when we had them when we were younger, they were in a coop. But they were like fighting each other.

We had to give one of them away. Cock fighting. Yeah, they were cock fighting. And you sent that one to Mexico. We sent that one to Mexico, I believe. Mm-hmm. We rotissed it. Yeah. We turned it into a nice tis.

Oh, you cooked it? Yeah. The fighting one? Yeah. Must have been pretty gamey. Oh, yeah. That's a muscular cock. Very, very chewy.

And just to be clear, I'm not using cock in your sense. No, no, no, of course. Using it in the chicken sense. Yeah. Yeah. using cock in your sense. No, no, no, of course. Using it in the chicken sense. Yeah.

Yeah. Are all cocks male chickens? I'm not sure. Cock-a-doodle-doo. That's right. All right. Let's get you back on track here. I'm losing you here and I want, I don't want to because I'm having fun.

I'm having fun too. I know, but I'm not giving you what you want. And I want I don't want to because I'm having fun. I'm having fun, too I know, but I'm not giving you what you want And I apologize. I like to talk about your life and I like to learn about you and your family Because if you guys fascinate me, yeah, you had chickens. Did you have any other pets? We've had bunnies chickens Dogs, did you live on on a big plot of land? Did you have a lot of land? Not when I was growing up.

My parents do now, though. They've done well later in life. They have land now. They've become land owners. They have land. That is, it usually does take a while to buy lots of land and accumulate lots of land. And so now, your dogs, do they roam outside?

Do you guys have the invisible fence? Yes, we talked about that last episode. I remember us having to install the invisible fence on our property. Yeah, we did too. We brought, we had a guy come, but he'd always leave a hole. One small section for whatever reason,

the dogs would find it and then they'd run down the street and eat the neighbor's chickens. Oh, we never had a hole like that. I thought you meant they would leave a hole in the ground. Oh, and dig under the fence? For like where they, no, you said the guy left a hole. Oh no, right, okay. He left a hole in the fence.

The dogs would find the hole. They would. That's crazy. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's like the way they do it is like, well, A, I think they can pretty easily break out of it, but like they go near it once and then they're just like, well, I guess I'm just never going to cross that point again. Yeah.

I mean, training your dog on an electric fence is sad. You got to shock them. Hey, remember how we used to walk through here and nothing would happen? All right, let's do it again. Oh, what's that mysterious beeping? In no way could that be a warning of the unbelievable, eye-watering pain you're about to experience around your neck.

Yeah, my sister's dogs have the, they just have like the collars on all the time. They just keep them on them? Like they have like a little handheld. Shock, they can shock them. Well, they don't shock them. They do the sound. The stimulation.

It's just a high pitched sound. It's not a, they don't get zapped. Right. They can though, they can zap. Well, first they, first they play the, hit the stimulation. Yeah. And if that doesn't work work then they zap them.

Yeah, but the sound always works. We bought one of those collars for our dog, and we were worried about how intense it was. And so I held it in my hand, because it felt like, I felt that I didn't wanna do to the dog anything that I wasn't willing to endure myself. And I told my wife, hit it on the low. And instead of hitting the low button,

she hit the panic button. Ooh. Those sort of red alert, you know. Dog's attacking someone right now? He's biting off the face of a child. Put him down. Put him down. Put him down. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, you know. Put him down. Put him down. Yeah.

Yeah. Basically, you know. You hit the put him down button. Yeah. And what happened? Did it hurt? Bro, I felt a shock through my skeleton. Yeah. I mean, started my fingers. It went all the way through my, I remember my elbow exploding and it went all the way up my arm and it felt like I got it in my organs. Yeah, you probably did. You know what I mean? It felt like the sort of thing where if I had been in cardiac arrest,

this would have brought me back. It also probably is meant to shock dogs in a different way than it is humans. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, man. I imagine it probably hurts more for a human to bare skin, put it on their hands. I don't think their fur is really stopping much.

Maybe that they have looser skin. Have you ever done it to a dog? They yelp deeply. They're terrified. Again, we don't use the shock button. Well, the point is that after I felt that shock, we said we're never gonna use the solid talk. Yeah, makes sense. Because it was so intense. Made my teeth chatter. That's fucked. And knocked my teeth together.

The Arabs might not actually even have the shock option. The put them down option. The put them down option. They definitely don't have a panic option. Yeah. Red alert. Dog is eating neighbor's children, child's face. Yeah, because my sister has two golden retrievers. And they're big.

And when I come home, my sister and her fiance will come back to my parents' house to hang out and they'll bring their dogs and we have two dogs and then you got four dogs roaming around and most of them don't like each other. Well, you've got the one that bites all the mailmen and then all of your best friends. And he doesn't get along with their dogs.

There's such a, there's a part of me that wants to visit your non-denominational house. And our living room is very small. So it's just like, there's just constantly dog on you. Like there's a dog within one foot of you at all times. I love that. I love that. You like it, but you don't like it

when there's four dogs barking simultaneously at each other. That's a lot. That's where you want panic buttons on all of them. That's when you got thening buttons on all of them. And you just do it to one, and then he lets everyone else know. Yeah, they're buzzing right now.

Fall back. They're not bluffing. Fall back, I just got hit. I just got stung. Who's next? Yeah. It's not gonna be me, I already took mine. Yeah.

Well, I have this dream of visiting your incredibly, religiously diverse family. Yeah. And I would wonder if, when I met the dog that bites Lilo. How do you bite? Stitch? Yeah. Stitch?

Yeah. And I can't tell if I would want to sort of approach the dog the way Crocodile Dundee goes up to animals and let it know I'm a friend, I come in peace, I understand why you behave the way that you do, but I just want you to know I don't judge you for it. I think that's all bluff though. Like I think that only works if you actually,

but you know how like you say, they say you can beat a lie detector test if you actually believe what you're saying? Sure. I think it's like that. Like I think the animals could sense it. Like if you got a grizzly bear coming at you, like you know that you ever watched Grizzly Man?

Yeah, of course. You know how he can kind of like, Yeah. He uses his words and his, and his, his, his vibes. I mean, he got eaten. Well, after like three years in the woods of Alaska, or way more than three years. So he did pretty well. He did pretty well.

He beat the odds. Yeah. For a while. The grizzly always wins. The grizzly always wins. Is the answer. But a while the grizzly always wins the grizzly always wins the answer but again like he like, you know Fucking the dog whisperer like he's got to believe what he's saying

Yeah, you can't just walk up to a dog and be like I'm not you're safe, right? Only the penitent man is the dog will sense that he'll be able to sense you're a little on edge Yes, you've heard some stories. Have you seen Indiana Jones in the last crusade? Probably but I don't remember it when he goes through the canyon of the crescent moon and enters Petra. I never really got into Indiana Jones. TBH. Okay.

Was always more of a Rambo guy. Got shit, men shit. You were watching Rambo instead of Indiana Jones? I don't really put them in the same category. I would. Star Wars. By the way, there's nothing unmanly about Indiana Jones. It's for women.

Why do you say that? Harrison Ford. Easy there. That's my guy. You don't think Sly Stallone's a heartthrob? No. Yeah, he's got that sort of demented face. Yeah, not at all. That's my guy. You don't think slice the loans a heartthrob now Yeah, he's got that sort of demented face. Yeah, not at all droopy well, I

Want to visit your house and I want to befriend the dog, but I also think that if stitch bit me that would sort of complete the The the arc of your friends because right now Nate, Bo, Peters have all been bitten. I'm the only one who has it. I'm wondering if Peters has ever been bitten. I don't think he has. I think he has.

I think it might just be Nate and Bo. We should ask him. I remember very vividly when Nate and Bo both got bit and it was both times where my parents weren't home. And I had to call them and be like, Stitch just bit Nate. My mom would be like, Jesus Christ. How did Nate handle that?

He was just like, I think your dog just bit me. Oh, he didn't even know? It was like Nate was skateboarding in our driveway. Yeah, that's what it came up. And my dog just came up and nibbled his, got a piece of his leg. Ugh. And he was like, ah.

But it wasn't a bad one. Right. But the bow one was bad? No, the bow one wasn't bad either. Similar deal? Similar deal. There was one bad one, and I wasn't there for it. Who was that?

My cousin's boyfriend, or husband now. So I guess it didn't really impact that much. The Catholic? The Catholic? Yeah. My cousin's boyfriend or husband now So I guess it didn't really the Catholic much The Catholic. Yeah. Oh Yeah, I think he's Catholic. Well, you think I married in a Catholic Church Yeah, but people get married in Catholic churches all the time, but usually that's an agreement between them and God Yeah, but it's also kind of agreement between you and your parents Wait a second

Now I'm confused. Are we talking about the same cousin? Yes. Where you... But we're not talking about my cousin at all. Pushed your grandmother in a gurney down the aisle, removed her oxygen masks so that she could say her blessing to the couple. That couple? Yes. So it was the boyfriend at the time?

Yeah. And Stitch bit him? Yeah. Badly? I think, yeah. Where? The leg And Stitch bit him? Yeah. Badly? I think, yeah. Where? The leg.

Made him bleed? I don't think so. Then why was it bad? I wasn't there. I said that. You just told us it was a bad bite. I'm doing my best here. He got locked.

Well, we've been talking about my dog for 30 minutes. We can move on. You know, if you want to take the reins, brother, you got anything interesting? No, not really. So there you go. I mean, I guess I got everything. I always got something interesting.

Let's hear it. No, we can still continue the conversation. No, I'm done. Okay, I did everything I could. And now you have said, I don't want to talk about this stuff. We got out of the dog stuff and then we went back to the dog stuff.

Well, you're talking about chickens and bites and all. You were saying you want to come, you were proposing an idea where you're going to come tame my dog. Or have them bite me so that I can have that and be bite brothers with my best friends, Bo Peters and Nate. Yours, you're never going to be able to meet my dog. I'm jealous of the fact that the three of them have that in common.

They all get together under the full moon and show their scars. I don't think Peter's ever been bit. I haven't brushed off my skateboard in fucking years. I know, it was my skateboard. Was it? Yeah. That's cool. It was my lawn board.

Oh, shit. I had the slide wheels. Yeah. That's cool. There's my long board. Oh, shit. I had the slide wheels. Yeah. Sick. Not good for riding, though. No, never. All right. What happened to you? What do you got? What happened to me so much?

Yeah. What did you do this weekend? Oh, this weekend, I actually didn't really do much. I had a pretty easy weekend. OK. But I did. Oh, I'm not going to be in Edmonton this weekend. Oh, this weekend I actually didn't really do much. I had a pretty easy weekend. But I did, oh, I'm not gonna be in Edmonton this weekend. Oh my God. Oh my God, dude. Are you for real? Yeah.

Holy shit. Didn't I tell you that? Well, I thought you would have fucking sorted it out. I think I told you, I was like, I talked to Mike, I'm not gonna be able to go to Edmonton. I forgot about that. I thought you were really trying hard to go. Oh I was Spending a lot of money. Oh, it's a god money's gone. Can't get a refund tried to get the refund

It said as soon as you download the documents, you no longer eligible for a refund Oh my god, it's just $800 just lit on fire Wow It's just $800, just lit on fire. Wow. You know what the bummer of it is? Is that I found out that you could drive to Canada with a real ID, which I have. Yeah. Can you? Yes.

I thought there was a special thing you need. Like there's another certification on your license that you can opt for at the DMV. I have it. You did that? Yeah. They told me don't, if you have a passport, don't even worry about it. I did it before I had a light, like that got it when I got my license. They were like, you're going to need this by 2025. You may as well just get it now. Okay. And I got it. But yeah, so apparently I could drive, but Edmonton's just, it's still too far. Yeah, what are you talking about? So why is that a bummer?

Because- To me, that sounds irrelevant. Because I drove to Vancouver. Uh-huh. From Seattle. And that's when I lost my passport. And I didn't even need my passport then. Where did you leave it? On the plane. Yeah. But I could have just driven.

No, oh, I see what you're saying now. I flew into Seattle, drove up to Vancouver, and then I flew out of Vancouver, but if I drove back through Seattle, I probably would never would have lost my passport. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I get it. How long was that drive again? Back to Seattle? Only like an hour and a half, two hours. So. Easy. Ugly drive though. Hidious. Well, you held it down though. I did for an hour and a half.

You stopped people from passing. There was a, that there's never been more of a miscommunication on on anything than that. Oh boy on the driving Cuz I since then oh no since then every time I drive I I I Look in the left lane and I now I know what you guys are talking about Where there's a guy going like 50 miles per hour in the left lane? No all the traffic. That's not me You knew you were that's not me. It doesn't matter. It does. Oh, it so matters. You said you were going 80.

It so matters. You were going 80. So you're still setting your own pace in the passing lane. I'll push 90. It doesn't matter. It does, it does. You say, you're just saying if I'm going- Breaking through to 90 and then having a guy on your tail.

I don't buy that. I don't buy that though. I don't think you're going 90. Fine, you can go around me, but I'm going- Breaking through to 90 and then having a guy on your tail. I don't buy that. I don't buy that though. I don't think you're going 90. Fine, you can go around me, but I'm gonna call the cops. Oh my. Yeah, go around. I got your plates. All right, let's take a minute to talk about game time.

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No investment advice. Crypto trading involves a risk of loss and is offered to U.S. customers excluding Washington, New York and Maine through Payward Interactive, Inc. Dude, my eyes have been fucking on fire from my legs do you have any that allergies cuz I've heard that from multiple different People oh my eyes. I can't my face feels like I have ants crawling. Oh, yeah, you tweeted something about yeah Bad I had 50 different

You want me to ask my grandmother what she uses because they use like I remember I remember when my I remember seeing my grandmother put in eye drops one time and they weren't like eye drops they were called like gel drops and it was like she was dropping like sludge in her eyes. Dude I mean that's what you need. You need fucking lube in there. I know I know half the solutions that people suggested on Twitter were like, all right, spend the next five years acclimating your body to doing this or plant female trees in your backyard.

Did you? I only have 40 years to solve this. No. Did you try rotos? No. You got it. Rotos? Rotos eye drops. People said a bunch of different eye drops. Ah, rotos? No. You got it. Rotos? Rotos eye drops.

People said a bunch of different eye drops. Ah, rotos are the go-tos. I was using the Theratiers. No, no, no. I think. No? Those are bullshit. Are they?

Yeah. They don't have preservatives in them because they're the single use ones. You want preservatives. I need chemicals? Yeah. Those always make my eyes sting. These are gonna make your eyes. I only use that when I've been smoking weed and I eyes sting. These are gonna make your eyes. I only use that when I've been smoking weed

and I need to. These are gonna make your eyes sting. Like you couldn't even. Convince my parents that I'm not high. Like you couldn't even imagine. I remember that's how I found out about Roto's is because when we were in high school, my friends would smoke weed and put them in

and I put them in one time because I didn't smoke weed really in high school. You put your friend smoked weed, but you did the eye drops. And I had, no I have chronic dry weed, but you did the eye drops for some other reason. And I had, no, I have chronic dry eye syndrome. Chronic dry eye syndrome. You're talking to an ally right now.

I have chronic dry eye syndrome. Chronic dry eye syndrome? Yes, Austin Jennifer Aniston. You don't remember Jennifer Aniston's commercials? No, I remember the chronic dry eye syndrome, or as we call it for short, the chronic. The chronic, no, no, no, no, no. The chronic dry eye syndrome.

The chronic dry eye syndrome, the chronic. The chronic, no, no, no, no, no. The chronic dry eye syndrome. The chronic dry eye syndrome, the chronic. We, but I remember I put them in and it was like, it hurts at first when you put the rotos in. It's like dropping icy hot into your eyes. And it burns. But then after like 30 seconds, it's like, it literally feels like you could just roll your eyes into the back of your head.

Like it feels like someone put WD-40 on your fucking eyes. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. I like that. So try them. They work. Okay, rotos. All right, I'll check that out.

Because that is a bad feeling to have the H&L. It's not great. I used to get it so bad when I was younger that to the point that when I closed my eyes, it would feel like someone just put thumb tacks right in my pupils. Yeah, it's just the tear duct. It's right here It's this right at the base. Yeah, and though in the middle of the eye

We're gonna have to get some redos on those tear ducts. Okay, I can do that Did anything interesting happen to me this weekend I Didn't really do much. I mean I I played a lot of ranked black ops just like Unbelievable sessions this weekend. Really? Yeah, I'm talking like 10 game win streaks. Whoa Srs funneling into the account What's sr in ranked the way that ranked play is played is that you you collect sr Which is like a virtual type of point. Currency, kind of? Currency, almost.

Yeah. And when you win games, you'll gain SR. And when you lose games, you'll lose SR. It's the same when I buy chess. Exactly. Yeah. It's actually the exact same thing. Cool.

Yeah. I dig that. Yeah. Do you get more points if you beat a team that has a lot of SR? Yes. And they lose more. Exactly. Yeah.

So like if I'm platinum one, bordering platinum two, finally going to break out of the hard stock plat. Exactly. Yeah. So like if we're, I'm platinum one, bordering platinum two, finally gonna break out of the hard stuck plat one phase. Yeah. And we, like last night we beat a team that was all diamond players, which is higher than platinum. Do they use the same tier system as Delta? Sounds like it.

They do, yeah. Actually? Yeah. No. Yeah, cause that top, if you're top 250, I believe you're considered Delta 360. Imagine. If you're top 250, I believe you're considered Delta 360. Imagine.

But you have to be specially invited by Activision itself. They write you a letter. If you get the Activision Amex Platinum, every time you spend points, you get 30 SR back. Yeah, and whenever you sign up for one of those games, some guy knocks at your door and it writes a handwritten note. If that was a thing, I would have won 1000%, get it? Thank you for being Call of Duty 360.

You were one of our most valued customers. Oh man, I was fucking hounding Gardini. Did you see when Matt and Shane did the, they did an episode where they had the Verdantz Call of Duty box? No. No, you didn't see that? I was hounding Gardini trying to figure out what it was what was in it and I don't know what that means. What is it? It's like in the game in warzone Call of Duty You can get you can like unlock fucking

chests where you get loot like fortnight and They got sent one to use as promo. A physical one. They got sent a physical chest from Call of Duty. Whoa, that is cool. And I was like, what the fuck, I was like, that's sick. Why didn't we get one of those? What's in it? And he was like, nothing.

And I was like, ah. Actually? Yeah, nothing was in it. So it was just a prop? It was just a prop. Pfft. There should have been something in it. You'd think.

Maybe a gun. Candy. Yeah. Imagine you open it up and there's just a fucking AR-15 in there. Like, whoa! Activision really splurged on their promo this year. Do I need to register this firearm? Oh, fuck. what's the matter I gotta call it the front door I miss it there goes the shades

there goes the sunglasses I mean even if they don't got inside they're gone they're gone they would have been taken in the 45 minutes it's gonna be before you're home. Someone's gonna be shaking those and saying, oh, these sound polarized. I know. Oh man. Man, what else did I do this week?

Oh, I saw Warfare. How was that? Good. I'm excited to see that. I might just go alone. Sick. I think I'm gonna go see that alone. You should just go solo.

Dude, the theater was empty. It was awesome. I got it. Oh, that's cool. I gotta say I had some real problems sleeping this weekend. Why? Well, I think because- Taking a break from the kush?

No, I was on it, on it pretty heavy. And couldn't sleep. I have this lobster claw pipe that I bought in Maine. It's red, it's a lobster claw, it's glass. Which part of the claw are you smoking out of? The smaller of the two pincers, right? So if it's like that,

that's the lobster claw, the hole is here. Interesting. And then the rush is over here on this. That's a good piece of glass, that's the lobster claw. The hole is here. Interesting. And then the rush is over here on this. That's a good piece of glass. It's great. I love it. How many pieces do you got, would you say?

Well, none. That's the only one. No, I've got like a couple one hitters maybe. Which are the ones you've talked about. Yeah, you have those. Yeah, you have crack pipes. Yes. Yeah.

But I've retrofitted them for marijuana. Yeah. With a crack pipe, all you have crack pipes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. But I've retrofitted them for marijuana. Yeah, yeah. With a crack pipe, all you have to do is you just bash the top half of the round globe in and then you've got a bolt. But you should try to sand down the edges of the shattered glass, because those will grab at your nugs.

I was in a smoke shop the other day getting Juul pods and they had just, they just had a bowl of just like meth pipes Really like the glove like the cylinder the two all the way around the globe. Yep So how does that work? You put the the rock down and the body through the whole thing and then you just use the lighter beneath it I would assume so is the idea there that Meth smoke and crack smoke are so valuable? Yeah, you don't want to waste. They don't want it going up into the atmosphere. Yeah, you don't want to waste any. One time when I was fishing. That's crazy. One time when I was fishing, when I was

really young, I was with my grandfather and my dad and we were fishing like off of like a dock in Cape Cod and there was a dude who's fishing off the Bridge right above the dock and he was smoking a cigar and he had this thing over his like face Like this like long hat and then a thing like a thing that you look a strap that he wore around his nose And he was smoking a cigar and it was so that the smoke would stop when it got around his face And he wouldn't miss any of this Come on, I swear to God. There's no way I swear to God. That's not my grandfather explained it to me the second we saw it He was like that's someone who's who's fully addicted to smoking cigars

heavens, I mean Just buy cheaper cigars. Yeah. No. Yeah. Huh? Do you know that fucking? cheaper cigars, no? Yeah. Do you know that fucking Ulysses S. Grant used to smoke 18 to 20 cigars a day? That's fucking insane. Like died of mouth cancer. Yeah.

Had growth on his tongue. It was a horrible way to die. That sounds like torture. Yeah. When we did the, me and Owen got selected for the YAC when we did the Super Bowl to smoke like, what was it, we had to smoke a pack of cigarettes in a day? Something like that. We didn't do it. Yeah, we didn't actually pursue it.

I mean we would like we would take photos smoking the cigarettes, but like even like pretending to smoke. I mean we probably smoked 10 full cigarettes a day and then would like pretend to smoke 10 more I think I feel Fucking oh, I think I've smoked half a cigarette total in my whole life. Really dude. It hurts so much I've never gotten through that Feeling of a cigarette where it just does it feels like it's punching you in the really? Yeah, and I feel fortunate I feel that when I inhale a cigar. Oh, totally. It's like someone just fucking roundhouse your intestines.

Yes, I get it, absolutely with that, but I also get it with a cigarette, and I don't feel the need to push through that, because why would I? Yeah. I'm deterred from ever smoking cigarettes. Yeah, I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a year. Yeah.

Definitely since I stopped drinking, or no, that's actually not when we feel we were filming the show The other I smoked like five cigarettes in a row the other But in my defense those cigarettes are fucking the size of pixie sticks was that fork it was show the show yeah They were using these like little thin Tiny like French cigarettes. Mm-hmm, Like literally like the width of like a toothpick Yeah, we were we were filming like three lines and I had to get a new cigarette every single time because they just would be one Hit they'd be gone. Wow. Yeah, it was like the Tom and Jerry fucking he's smoking in one one pole. Yeah I love a cigar though. Me too, you do? Oh yeah.

That's something we have in common. Yeah, we've done cigar out on the podcast many times. Oh my God. Well, you know what we should do? What? When can we go fishing? Anytime really. I mean, this is really like, to be honest,

right now is like prime time for this area. Like it's prime time for like Jersey. What about my place upstate? Your place upstate, I'd say fishing's probably good right now. Who's satanic? It'll probably be good longer. Like it'll probably be good through,

I wouldn't say end of July, but like mid July, it'll probably be solid. Okay, so June's okay? Yeah, but I got a busy June. Why? I feel like I got a bunch of shit in June. No way. Yeah. That's prime cigar season.

No, August. Prime cigar season. Mm. I got some good ones. Yeah. We could smoke some Stoegies, yeah. When we were in Wyoming last summer, we were in the town of Buffalo, Wyoming.

Sure. That was like the closest actual town to us. And we would go to this, we went twice to this sick sporting goods store where it's like, you're in Wyoming so it's obviously, it's like a fly shop, hunting, all that shit. And they just have like, I mean for a gear head, it's paradise walking in there.

And you know, we would go get flies and then right across the street they had like a real, like nice cigar shop. We would go in there and pick up cigars for the week. That's cool. And it was so nice. We got these like small little guys, thick small guys. Nice.

Cigar hour every night. Cigarillos, kind of, right? Yeah. Every time I'm flying back from some foreign country I go into their duty free and I go into the humidor, the large walk-in cigar cavern. Man, I don't know what to buy. That's my problem.

That's my problem too. And I get overwhelmed and there are so many options and some of them seem extremely expensive. I'm no aficionado. No. I don't need the best of the best. But you kind of want to know what the best of the best is so you can know what sucks, you know?

Yeah, exactly. And I think what I would say, if anyone really knows cigars, is that I like a medium to light. I don't want my mouth to feel like Ulysses S. Grant's mouth all night long, you know? I'd like to be able to taste my dinner. Yeah

So a light to medium but but also one that theoretically I could I could honestly have two cigars Sometimes I like to have two cigars. You ever have two cigars now Maybe on 4th of July one year. Yeah, or on graduate when I graduated high school. I definitely smoked more than two cigars Really? I was smoking cigars the whole day. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Or on when I graduated high school I definitely smoked more than two cigars. Really? I was smoking cigars the whole day. Oh that's fun. Yeah it was fun. I remember driving Matt home from graduation and I was we were smoking cigars in my car. In your car? Yeah windows rolled down. It's great. That's so fun. Was that a big deal for you? Graduating high school? Yeah. No like I knew I was gonna graduate Actually, that's not true at all. There was it was getting close at the end. Really? Yeah

But it was all bullshit. It was like I was bad at school but like the teachers also didn't like me and They would call my parents and tell them shit that I would be like, that's not gonna happen. Like, it's not, it's just not true. What would they say? They would be like, well, you know, currently Harry has a, they would be like, we had this thing called the portal, where you could check your grades online.

Yeah. And it would be very organized. Like, you go down to the assignment. And in my math class, all of our assignments would be like, due at like the end of the, like, we would get all, we get a bunch of assignments at once and then they all be done at the same time so it was like it we were we were maybe like a month out from Graduating and there was only two assignments in the portal one of them

I didn't do one of them. I got like an 80 on so my average grade was like I was failing I had like a 30% of the class. Yeah, and they teacher called my parents grade was like I was failing I had like a 30% of the class Yeah, and they teacher called my parents and was like Harry is a 30% he's not gonna graduate if it doesn't go up Meanwhile, we have nine assignments that I'm done that I'm done with that are due in like a week and I'm like so Obviously my grade is going to go up But couldn't couldn't they don't you think it's better that they were on top of it reaching out to your parents? Cause there's- No, cause all that does is that,

like I know I need to graduate high school. I'm not fucking, I didn't do that. Well, you just said that it was touch and go there for a second. Well, it was touch and go in the sense that they called my parents and said that there's a chance I won't graduate. There are a lot of teachers that wouldn't do that.

But in my head, I was like, I'm obviously, my great, I ended up getting like a B in the class. Because they were so, they fought for you. No, they didn't fight for me. They just, that teacher I think didn't like me. Look, I think at this point we can all agree it takes a village. No.

I would say it takes a village, but I'd say it also takes a village to destroy a child. And I'd say the village was out, they were out against me. Yeah, but if the village had left you alone, that would have also destroyed you. They were trying to bring me down. Think about how sweet those cigars tasted in the car with Beau, with Peters. Yeah, go ahead. Take it. Hello? Yeah.

Hi, how's it going? Hi, how's it going? Lease extension? Did you send it in mail or on email? Okay, I'll sign that and send it back today. Yeah, that's my bad. I apologize for that. Okay, sounds good. What was that? Okay, got it. Bye.

Did you hear that? Yes! Okay, got it But Did you hear that yeah You haven't saw that guy's a fucking ass you haven't signed your lease I'm paying the rent it doesn't matter And now I thought I did to be honest. Yeah, he gave me that exact same call last year He's a fucking asshole that I told you I told you about when he calls and he sounds like he's in the fucking mafia. Buddy, you are just living there fucking un... They don't send an email or anything. I don't check my mail. Everyone in New York knows when their lease ends.

Dude, to be honest, I mean that's crazy. I'm gonna sign it, but I'm paying rent. But they can't guarantee that you are gonna pay rent if you are not, basically you're squatting. And if you didn't- Squatting? If you're not protected by a lease, they're not protected by a lease. I've never had to, they do this every time,

and every single time they end up being able to do it through email. Dude, you need to fucking get your business manager, if your business manager is running your leases and stuff like that, you need to get him aware of when your lease ends. Yeah. So that you can re-up, you're gonna get screwed.

They'll start showing your apartment and be like, sorry dude, we've raised the rent and a new tenant is coming in. Yeah. I'm not even kidding you. I'm not sweating it. It's not a fucking dorm room in college where you're just guaranteed to be able to

float in the wind like that, you know? Yeah, I'm not too worried about it. I've lived there for over three years. It's the West Village, it's not, you know? Yeah, he's called me like that before. He's gone fucking nowhere. And he said the exact same thing. He was not happy.

Yeah, he's a dick. If you couldn't hear it at home, he go, Harry said, I'm sorry about that. And he goes, I'm not looking for apologies. Yeah, he's like some old fucking Russian dude or something. Yeah, I wouldn't fuck with that guy. Yeah, I hate him. I get it.

That's not, you don't talk to people like that. It's insane. You didn't sign your lease extension. You email them and say, hey, could you sign the lease extension? He probably sent you. They have not sent me a single thing. Is there something in your mailbox? No.

No, that's what he said. I said, did you send it on email or did you send it in mail? And he said, we sent it in mail. Yeah, man. I mean, it's a physical lease. I didn't have to sign a physical lease last year. I don't know what to say. He emails me, he emailed me in March and he said,

do you want to re-sign? I said, yes. And then he said, this is what the new rent is gonna be. Went up a hundred bucks, he said, perfect. I've been paying that rent since. I get it, but- So throw me an email and say, you still gotta sign the lease.

Landlords in New York. Don't call me and be like I'm gonna fucking murder you That's the that we were close to that. We were close to the on the way to your apartment right now That's crazy, and I told you I said last time he called me was a year ago Probably right around today, so and he said the exact he calls with this like threatening tone because you are delinquent on lease He said you either pay or you get out. I pay, I pay on time every single month.

Guy's an asshole. That's, you don't call people like that. We're not living, it's not the 1970s anymore. I don't know what to tell you. You're wrong here. I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

Every other person I've ever met in New York knows to the day when their lease ends, and usually as that day approaches, there's a conversation between them and the owner or the landlord. And there was. Okay. And there was.

And one where it's, yes, I intend to stay on, great. Here's the rent, great. And you sign the extension, because if you're not, your lease, when your lease ends, dude, truly, you could do whatever you fucking want in there now, and they're not protected, I don't think. Yeah, that sucks for them. And what's more, theoretically,

you're probably not protected by a lease, meaning if your heat stopped working, I think the landlords in New York are beholden to provide adequate heating and water and stuff like that. They wouldn't have to necessarily fix that because you're not even their tenant anymore. Yeah. You're just a guy who's handing the money

so you can continue to sleep in a home. Yeah. Technically, it's been two weeks. Your lease ended at the end of March. It ended, it starts, I think, a week into April. OK. So that's a little bit of a, you don't think that's a little harsh?

Two weeks? Two weeks, rent was paid on time. I think that, I think. Maybe just shoot me a, like shoot me an email, be like, hey, could you sign the lease and get it back to us? Hey, listen, I get where he's coming from. Is all I'm saying. I mean, I've never heard...

I've never heard anyone take the side of the landlord in this situation. I just- That, dude, calling someone and saying that is insane. Well, he didn't say he's gonna kill you. Yeah, it was implied. No, gonna kill you. It was implied. No, it wasn't. It was implied. No, that's a strategy.

It was implied, keep your curtains closed tonight. I heard every word of that fucking conversation. And all he said was he seemed mad that you were late. He said, I don't want your apology. That's not, it wasn't, I don't need the apology. Could you just, it was, I don't want your fucking apology That's not it wasn't it wasn't I don't need the apology. Could you do it was I don't want your fucking apology. He didn't say fucking I don't want your apology. Sign the lease or move out.

Well, listen, he's living and he's sleeping in a fucking he's in a castle somewhere up on by Central Park. This is all big talk on the phone. You bent the knee. Oh, yeah, because I don't want to die. I mean, that was crazy. You heard him. I did.

Now you know I wasn't making it up last time when I said you called. I'm glad you took that phone call. This is what we're dealing with here. At some point, you're going to have to grow up and smell the roses, brother. Brother, I'm growing up and I've smelled the roses. You're going to have to start taking responsibility.

The roses have been snipped. For the parameters of your own lifestyle. My life, you keep on describing my lifestyle like I live this fucking. I'm not judging your lifestyle. I'm saying to preserve the lifestyle you like having. We've all forgotten to sign a lease here and there. Shit happens.

Paid the rent on time. You think that's what they would care more about. But I get it, I do need to sign the lease and I'll go home and I'll sign it. I might leave a little note on the bottom., say call me like that again during work hours and I'll fucking murder you. Oh shit. Oh shit. I mean you don't just get to call people and say things like that. He did though. He did. I'm gonna call him back. Go ahead. I'm gonna say we got a problem here chief. Every landlords are just fucking pricks.

Can I ask you a question? If he saw this, he'd be pretty pissed. You think he's gonna see this? I mean you're, you're, there's no- If he sees this, he's gonna be pretty, he's gonna have a lot of problems with his fucking- I mean yeah, you're taking some big swings at this guy. He was taking some big swings at me. He wasn't that swinging hard.

As an American, I have the right to go on my podcast and talk shit about my landlord. Okay. Just saying. Dude, the guy's 100,000 years old and he owns 800 buildings in New York. You think he's gonna find the podcast where we talk about my landlord with zero way of identifying him? I don't even know what the guy's name is. That's the only time I've ever- we talk about my landlord with zero way of identifying him. I don't even know what the guy's name is.

That's the only time I've ever, I've heard, that's the second time I've ever heard from my landlord. Okay. And both times it has gone exactly that way. In all likelihood he won't, but boy oh boy would I love to hear the conversation when he calls to say he listened to this episode. I heard the show.

And I saw, wait a minute, you're talking about that guy. Yeah. He's 100,000 years old? Oh yeah. Then why are you afraid of him? Because it sounds like he has ties to the Russian mafia. All right, well then he's gonna stick his goons on you. He's going to.

For this episode. I'm gonna go outside, I'm gonna get back to my apartment and there's gonna be like two escalades parked out front. Yeah lights off. Yeah to low riding BMWs Guys get out guys get out and read Adidas tracksuits. What's your address? I need somewhere to go You can come crash at me need to lie low for a bit. I don't feel safe. Yeah, bring your console I mean, that's crazy. That's a crazy call to get I Don't know maybe I'm wrong for I'm not I'm not siding with your landlord. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I get it

I need to get historically I Do not get along particularly well with maybe I'll say hey, I'll sign the lease. Can we get a refrigerator? A refrigerator would be great. Well, I don't think you have much leverage anymore as a result of being delinquent. You should have said, I'll happily increase the rent. Stay on. You guys don't want to have to come in here, paint the apartment, show it, do all the stuff

to get new tenants in here. You don't want to do that. All I'm asking for is a refrigerator. It's not a bad idea. That's how you do that. And you would probably have had the foresight or I could have told you to do something like that if you had told me when your lease ends.

I hate to say this, I can actually help your life. And I want to. My life is't need help. But that's so stubborn of you. It's really not. Everybody's life could improve. Yeah, everyone's life could improve. And again, I'm reaching out saying, help me.

I'm not judging your life. Maybe I am a little bit. You definitely are. But with the intention of helping, I don't want to just leave you alone to fucking rot and squalor. I want to help you avoid angry phone calls that stress you out from your Russian landlord. Oh I'm not stressed, I'm furious. Yeah there you go. I'm ticked off. I want to get you a new refrigerator. I want to get you better heating and... Oh my heats. We don't need

more. We don't need better heating. No I know. Less heating. Air conditioning. I want to get you better air conditioning. I wanna get you to a place where you're not getting bothered by your drunken, unattractive neighbor. That's crazy. Bang it on your door, create some situation. Let's get you a ring camera, a ring doorbell camera. By the way, I think somebody is sleeping

in my place upstate. I'm not even gonna lie. Dude, my cleaning lady up there, I told her specifically, don't clean the second bedroom. Nobody's been in there. And then she came and her other girl she was with, they cleaned, they changed the sheets and cleaned the second bedroom.

And then they charged me accordingly. I know the rate for when the second bedroom needs to be cleaned versus when it doesn't. And I said, hey, just so you, like I'm curious why you charged me the full rate. And she sent me a picture of the fucking spare bedroom bed and it was all messed up. Somebody had gone in there and slept in there. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I got a little bit of a problem and therefore I'm starting to think about putting a ring camera in my house.

Well that's a much more serious situation than mine. No it's not. It's not. I don't have the Russians after me. Yeah that's true. At worst I have some kids who are banging on my extra bedroom. That's still bad. I'll take that over a Molotov cocktail through my second story window any day of the week

in the West Village. Holy shit dude. They're gonna send a brick through my fucking window yeah they are man bottle of fucking Svetka dude that call is nuts I mean that's crazy yeah I mean I was I couldn't have been more polite oh yeah that's my apologies I'm gonna go get that to you today, I don't want your fucking apology Mm-hmm. It's either the least of your head on a fucking stake All right, I want to be I have to want it you want it the chemical way I need to read I need to read you something. It's like the town Okay, hold on a second

Stop by anytime. I live at five. Wait, what does he say in the town? He's like, I live at five, five. Okay. You ready for this? this? Oh my god dude. You ready for this? Okay. I'm just gonna issue a trigger warning to our listeners. I'm gonna read you guys a story from the news of something that just happened in New York City and it's incredibly disgusting. Okay? Okay. This just happened? Just happened. One of the more grotesque US crime stories of late unfolded on a southbound R train near the Whitehall Street station in Manhattan at about 12 20 a.m. on Wednesday, when an unidentified individual had sexual contact with an unconscious and unresponsive adult male in plain view of surveillance cameras. A man sexually violated a corpse on a New York City subway train after stealing from the body, becoming the second of two people to rob that particular dead person.

Oh. So a guy dies on the subway. And he's just there. And he's just dead, sitting there, dead, unresponsive. And the people just start fucking him? Someone comes up, robs him, and then another guy comes up, robs him again, and fucks him.

And this is all happening on the subway? He fucks his dead body. Yeah. A person told me this at dinner a couple nights ago. Oh, I thought this just happened. It happened on April 12th. That story's from April 12th. To me, that's, in the scope of how disgusting

and horrible that story's from April 12th. To me that's, in the scope of how disgusting and horrible that story is, I would say that just happened. Yeah, that's pretty fucked. And that was on the R train? On the R train, at 1220, I mean that's not even the dead of night. That's gotta be some commuters are there. Whitehall. Where does the R train go?

Into Brooklyn. Whitehall I think is the R train go? Into Brooklyn. Whitehall, I think, is the last station in Manhattan on the R before you switch over to Brooklyn. Interesting. I don't know if I've ever taken the R. It's down in, like, Fideye. I tried to stick with the numbers. Yeah, you're a local guy.

You don't ever go to Brooklyn. That's fucked. So that happened. Anyways, this is me and my landlord You're gonna do as I ask. 551 Bunker Hill Street. Stop by anytime. You know where to find me. If you're gonna do this for me, I'm gonna clip your nuts. Like I clip your daddies. That's me and my landlord.

Which one's your landlord? The florist. The old guy. You're Ben Affleck. I live at five five Five bunker hill stop by anytime Yeah All right, you know where to find me well, I hope you are okay go go sign that lease

I'm gonna sign that lease get that over to him He wants that lease bad. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna send him a photo of it. That's it I'm gonna send him a photo of it like me like teasing putting it in the mailbox Well sign it in pencil, oh Shoot I just realized the Sign it in blood. It said it needed blue or black ink. I used the number two pencil. What do you mean Ticonderoga doesn't hold up?

I haven't gotten my paws on a good Ticonderoga in a minute. That is a nice. You dent your fingernails into them. There was a moment where school classrooms went from the hand wound pencil sharpener that basically just broke the pencil every single time. It's like sticking into the mouth of a beaver. To the electronic ones where they came out, fucking,

you could have done surgery with those things. those razor blade sharp. Yeah, nothing better Nothing better. Oh my god those perfect ones and you knew when it was done too because it would be at first Yeah, I'd get a little dull yeah, no, it just it would just it wouldn't have anything to bite yeah more So then you pull it out Blow on it fresh as a daisy. Yeah, that's that was a good stuff. That's good scent pencil shavings. Then you pull out the little brown drawer, yeah, dump the pencil shavings in the trash. Those were good days. Those were good days. Those are good days. All right. Okay. I got to go

sign this lease. I'll be in West Nyack on Sunday, New York at levity live one show and then I'll be in Kansas City the following weekend. Then Dallas in May and Chicago in early June. I think the downtown Zany shows are sold out. Come see me in Rosemont at Zany's And I can't wait can't wait for Chicago that's gonna be awesome all these shows Dallas can't wait I'll see you guys on the road at punch up dot live slash Francis Ellis. What do we got for you here ball? Uh, just Philly. I'm gonna be in Philly in a couple weeks. I think it's May 8th I'm doing five shows there

Harry said a website comm I'm doing five shows there Harriet's had a website comm Edmonton I will be back. I gotta get a new date on that. But yeah, obviously I can't get to Canada right now And I'll probably go back to Winnipeg too, so I'll be back Canada, I'm not leaving I'm not abandoning you guys I'm saying like no love this country can't travel Doesn't have his lease signed. I'm not, I'm not, I'm judging a little bit, but I want to help. That was just poor timing.

Your handle on your own life bureaucracy is nil. No, my handle on my life is actually pretty solid. I will say that call did not make it seem that way. And I have to go sort that out. Alright. Thank you. Alright thank you. See you guys. Goodbye. Nice. Hilarious. Close was over, still, still underground. So I looked older, till you came around I was only falling one way I was only falling one way

Days were drifting For, for was I So, so then you listen Now I come alive I was only falling one way I was only falling my way I was only falling my way I was only falling my way I was only falling my way I was only falling my way Banished to your heart Did you realize

No one can take me alive I was only falling one way Hey, baby, never forget. Never forget. Never forget. Never forget. Never forget. Never forget. See it just a distant light. Feel it fast forever bright.

Call it just a memory. Take my hand and you can see I'm home Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Did you realize No one could take me alive