Son of a Boy Dad - Full-Time Francis | Son of a Boy Dad #198

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Full-Time Francis | Son of a Boy Dad #198 -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. All right, ready? That's big. All righty, welcome back to the son of a boy dad podcast we are live once again it is

Monday today don't not that we're wearing we just all wore the same outfits today that we wore on Thursday but nothing wrong with that. We are back with another episode. Fresh new one.

If you're listening to this now, I'm going to be in Sacramento this weekend. A lot of tickets left. So let's go ahead and buy those up, please. Can't wait to be out there. Crazy weekend. Fun weekend, though. Fun. what'd you guys get up to i chose my own adventure either the bucks were in the playoffs and then i went to milwaukee or or they they weren't and i my my in i hung out with my in-laws. Oh, very nice. Crazy weekend for me.

You guessed it. Hung out with my in-laws. Huh. One day you'll know the joy of hanging out with your in-laws. Oh, laugh it up. That is a good time. Laugh it the hell up. How was your weekend, Francis?

Good. I'm in Los Angeles. Really? Yeah. Oh, shoot. I forgot you'm in Los Angeles. Really? Yeah. Oh, shoot. I forgot you're going to be in LA. Yeah. For big things.

Yeah, doing that. Wait, can you say what you're doing? Yeah. I got to run out for the premiere of Tires. That's fucking awesome. That's a tough one you got to run out for. Yeah, I just had to stop by la you know look i'm not complaining debut but uh it's not network it's streaming or less streaming

bigger than network i i uh i'm not complaining but la is so far away it's crazy that's why i'm not going it should should be Iceland. If it was Iceland, we'd all be there. I mean, the flight from New York to LA is the same amount of time it takes to get to Paris. Yeah. Yeah, Iceland's shorter, right? Iceland's way shorter, and LA is gayer than gay Paris at this point. Yeah, true.

Paris. Paris. I hate the worst flight in America is New, at least that I've done is New York to Phoenix. Yeah, that's a long one.

Because you think it's going to be halfway across the country. That's how I feel about Texas. Texas, yeah. I was about to say like Dallas. Yes. Texas is far.

Texas, I'm always like, yeah. Shooting out of Dallas. Yeah. You watch two movies on a flight to Dallas. Yeah, you can. You watch two like pretty long movies. Yeah. Texas, you can. You watch two pretty long movies.

Yeah. Texas, I always get on the plane being like, well, at least I'll be on the ground in a couple hours. You feel like it's fine in Chicago. Yeah. It's like, oh, two hours to Texas. It's like five hours. Yeah. It's insane.

Yeah. Brutal. They got to start having these tires premieres out in Europe so you can all go. So East Coast folk can go. Yeah. Transatlantic. How was it? Are you flying first class?

I have a first class ticket out and I have a coach seat back. And I got my first class ticket using... This is really sad. I bought a coach seat and I applied a global upgrade certificate.

No. Please tell me that's not true. It's true. No. Well, maybe things will go really well in LA and then you'll be able to fly first class back. Or I'll have to apply another global upgrade certificate, which would mean I'd be down to two for next year, which is just one round trip flight that i could use the global upgrade i'm using a global upgrade certificate for a domestic flight do you understand why that's so tragic of course but like we said la is just as far as paris so but at the same time though they fuck you on those

global yeah but i've got the big guarantee it when you when you use that when you use global you have to be a diamond medallion to get the global of course but they're much more powerful than the regional upgrade certificates i tried to use a global going coming back from south africa last year and they fucked me and i never got to use the global because you thought it worked and then it didn't yes they wouldn't they wouldn't apply it they have like rules about the eligibility of some flights yeah they don't always give it to you what the rules are but i have a friend that's used them to go to japan and he bought a whatever see hans see our good friend hans hans i guess we can't do callbacks

to the last episode that That was a while ago. I forgot about that. That was a week ago. I'm surprised you remember that. You usually don't even remember what we say like two minutes ago, much less an entire week ago, which is super impressive. I mean, think of what we did this weekend and then to remember that. Yeah, go ahead and listen to the last week's episode right before you listen to this one.

I mean, they've told us to do that before. They're like callback jokes. It'll make it a cinematic universe where people have to go back and watch yeah fucking uh infinity wars son of a boy dad infinity war where little sass tees off but have you got to watch any of ours yet no really i do know that they're showing my episode at the premiere. Yeah, I was going to ask about that. Are they showing the whole season or just one episode? No, just one episode.

But they're showing my episode. Are they releasing it in increments or are they releasing it all at once? To be honest with you, I don't know. I'll learn all this. This is why you need me in your corner. I'll be asking all the good questions. I'll learn all this. As your business manager. Yeah. I'll learn all this once I can remember the need me in your corner. I'll be asking all the good questions. As your business manager.

I'll learn all this once I can remember the conversations I had this weekend. Yeah, true. And I'll have answers for you. But right now, I'm struggling. You should. Brain fog. This could be huge for the pod. We might have to get your name on the sign. ASAP?

Wait, we should put it up now just so he is tethered. So when he gets really big, so in case that he tries to link up with the guys from Tires and try and make a podcast with Tommy and Chris or some shit like that. What if Matt and Shane want to bring you in as their third guest?

Look, I'll be honest with you, I would be gone pretty quickly. No, your name is on the shit. I'd be like, you guys you guys now we're getting your name engraved are you just sending out to our engraver what are you talking about you can't both of your names are not engraved they're uh they're raised we're gonna add your name here we go wow i'm honored and it's official that's it and now you can't leave sorry matt sorry shane sorry andrew schultz

yeah sorry state of texas and my 18 percent taxes that i'd get back something like that yeah what if they actually it's probably like 22 because it's four percent city tax that i'd get back something like that yeah what if they actually it's probably like 22 because it's four percent city tax that i would get too what if what if like schultz wanted you to be one of his men what are we doing here i think you're just as likely to get something like that if not more so not even i'm not on netflix and this is my first thing it's a pretty big deal i'm excited yeah have you told your parents yes you're like i'm gonna be on netflix like they're gonna you're like your face might come up while you're like it's one of those dude i've had a lot of stuff that i thought was gonna happen and it didn't and so i'm not gonna

celebrate until the fucking show comes out and i see myself yeah what if they move your episode over to like showtime yeah or they or netflix, the week before the show airs, they're like, listen, we love the show, but that redheaded dick. Yeah, cut him. Get rid of him. Get him out. We don't like him. Replace him with, uh, who's that unhinged dude from Kill Tony? What if they replaced you with Andrew Santino?

Yeah, yeah. This show would be better. He is a phenomenal actor. True, he is. Far better comedian, and a much bigger name than I am. Don't say that. Everything I just said is fundamentally true.

Bro, you're on Netflix now. You can't be comparing yourself to people like that. You're a son of a boy now. You did. You brought that up. Well, I said, what if they replaced you with Andrew Santino to save money? Because I'm sure he costs less than you do now. Because you're on Netflix. He's only on FX.

You know he has a Netflix special, right? At least one. Maybe even two. He might even have two. He's funny. He's a good golfer too. That thing he did with Bobby Althoff was so funny. Would love to get on the course with him. I'd love to get on the course with her.

Don't even get me started. On Althoff? Me, her, Drizzy. Holy fuck, that's just dream threesome. Dream blood rotation there. Me, Althoff, Aubrey. Just chopping it up on the course.

And Trump. I thought you meant threesome in bed. Oh, no. I would never go there. That'd be like one of those scenes where the white guy's like, oh, no. What? Yeah.

You'd be in your cuck corner. Yeah, I'd be in the cuck chair for sure. I wouldn't want to disrupt that greatness. Do you guys think that that's true, that in every hotel room where there's a chair facing the bed, that's the cuck chair? Yeah. Because so many hotels have, almost every hotel has it.

Every hotel has it. And no one's ever sat in it. Have you ever sat in that chair? Yes. Maybe occasionally. Maybe I like to put my shoes on while sitting in it. Yeah. What's the fear that that someone, every surface in a hotel has been fucked on

no I'm not scared of it so there's nowhere clean to be yeah you think every surface mhm mhm people are just fucking all over hotels all over what about like the closet where

like the safe is that safe is but someone's done it you think someone's fucked the safe is. That safe is, but someone's done it. You think someone's fucked the safe? Nothing safe about it, brother. That's why they call it

safe sex. God damn. That's where it originated from. Someone was just going to town on a combination lock. Yeah,

and then it accidentally just popped open and there were a bunch of condoms inside. And someone was like, I guess I could use those.

What the fuck? Boom, safe sex. Safe sex. That's double safe. Holy shit, that's a bar. We need to get Aubrey and fucking Kendrick on the line.

We got something for you boys. Safe sex. Safe sex, but there's condoms in the safe. Sounds like a Dangerfield type of bit. You guys ever watch Rodney Dangerfield? field sometimes i've only seen a little bit dan sutter was talking about his uh night or the john his

johnny carson appearances on pmt so i went back and watched like five of his johnny carson appearances pretty fucking funny he's the only one who could write them that quickly. They were just such good jokes and he seemed to have an endless ability to write them. Much like Mitch Hedberg. But also just like him being the punchline of it

just at all times. I came home early and my wife was fucking the safe. His voice is so funny. His eyes are always darting around. He just reloads his tie. He's funny. Who else is funny? Who else was funny back in the day?

Him. He was good. I want to hear more about this tires situation though. I want to hear more about tires as well. Give us all the details now that you can talk about it. When does it come out? Oh, I guess it's not even out yet. Or who's all the people that's in it?

I don't even know what you're allowed to say. I don't know. Do you want me to text you and ask if we're allowed to say? I don't know. Yeah, why don't you? If we could promote the show. What's wrong with promoting the show? I just don't want to see France get in trouble.

I think the cast has been released. want to see france to get in trouble i think the cast has been released and i'm the at least the episode i'm in is uh also got stavros oh hulk yes uh shane chris o'connor um you know the usual cast yeah kyla um oh yeah see steve steven gerben gerben yep oh they have a list of the cast there Oh, yeah. Steven Gerben. Oh, they have a list of the cast there? Chris O'Connor. Is Francis listed? No. What the fuck?

But once it comes out, I think it will. We'll write your name on the show. Yeah. Perfect. I'm going to talk to someone about that. Permanent black marker. I'm going to text Gardini. Happy birthday to the Gardini. Get me connected with Netflix

stat. I got some concerns about Francis's credits. What was it like while you were down there shooting? It was in Westchester. You guys were in Westchester? Down in Pennsylvania. Yeah. Did you go to any of the Westchester bars? No.

That's a great place. I was only down there for like a day. Maybe two days. Fuck, I would have loved to get down there for like a day. Maybe two days. Fuck, I would have loved to get down there and made a cameo. It was great. It was cool. We shot at Steven Gerben's dad's

actual auto body shop. Really? Which is where the whole premise of the show came from. So were people getting their tires realigned while yeah i mean there's there were cars in there there were actual stuff yeah big big set big you know production crew i have a inherent distrust for the for those folk auto body workers mechanics i think a lot of people do yeah because they you don't you don't know yourself what they're what the shit's supposed to cost right what they're they're

going to charge people maybe you don't i do you don't know shit about cars bro my i go to i go to an audio body shop and i point out i go this is what needs to be fixed handle it now i will pay no more than i have to or also bring it somewhere else yeah but what is what you have to that's the gray area not if you know cars like i do then why would you even say i will pay no more than i have tesla and they go just start it at ten thousand dollars start up the tab i have had so little maintenance that i've had to pay for i actually did see something the other day that said that the tesla is like the least maintained car yeah least like what car did you drive when you were in high school gmc acadia beautiful vehicle what kind of vehicle is that gmc acadia oh shit okay damn that sounds

beautiful is it a is it a that thing was special is it a sedan sedan, coupe, SUV, pickup truck? A little bit of a sedan. A little bit of a sedan action. A little bit of a sedan? Kind of like a sedan that had a baby with a minivan. Oh, really? Yeah, I could pack my crew into that car pretty well. Seats eight.

There's nothing sedan about something that seats eight. Seats eight. A little bit of a minivan action. I was driving a little bit of a minivan action in was driving a little bit of a minivan action in high school as well great speaker system on it's very fun to pack folks into something like that yeah and gmc you're going american made oh of course you're gonna want to stick with american i was driving a honda kim's really a honda odyssey what year oh yeah there she is but mine was the older model.

Oh, that's a fucking SUV. What are you talking about? Always like to keep you on your toes. Especially when it comes to my whip. A little bit of a sedan. That's a full-on SUV. What are you talking about? Nobody would ever call that a sedan. Sedan?

You don't know what a sedan is. That's very little sedan. You're confusing it with seaton. That must have been it the soy replacement meat yes yeah i used to drive that thing had a panic attack in it twice brutal panic attack too almost crashed it while having a panic attack and uh yeah and then i kind of started to hate it and then my parents sold it because you hated it now because i was going to college and they were like you're never driving this thing again i was like all right yeah and you

didn't know how to appraise the maintenance of it yeah she had she had some of her own problems tires wheel was not aligned properly so it would always shake while you were driving then what year was it probably like a 14 earlier probably jesus she was old yeah she was up there probably 200 000 miles you would take your car down to the boat yard and have sex with someone yeah or at least grab a titty in the back seat well the great thing about the gmc acadia is that you can really just lay down that those back couple rows just fuck all night on it you probably put a mattress in there. Yeah, I did. I installed a mattress to fuck.

I was getting a lot of out of control amounts of pussy in high school. Had to. It was honestly my parents' suggestion. They said, let's just install a mattress on this thing. This kid's fucking too much. They were stepping into the back. It felt like a Nickelodeon set. They just

down into some fucking GAC. Like the floor of an adult movie theater. You didn't even have to install it. You just flipped it over after a couple weeks, and it stuck to the floor there. It's like magnets. You have to drain the floor of the SUV like a spit valve. There's a bilge pump in the car. We're going to drain the

cum out. Our 16-year-old's been fucking. That car was nasty. People go in your car and they just leave trash in it. I'm not picking that shit up. You definitely did that too. Hell no. Hell yes. I respect my vehicle.

I am thinking about buying a car. Yeah, you can leave it at me and Francis' building. That vehicle but I am thinking about buying a car yeah you can leave it at our at me and Francis' building that's what I was thinking Ken yeah we'd be happy to have you

and then that would be a good excuse for you to get out to Brooklyn you come out there to Brooklyn hang out with the boys well no I'd probably

pay you to meet me halfway you think I'm taking your petty cash I don't take change brother it's not changed 10k a visit all right all right now you're talking that's what i got paid to not be on the tires

oh damn that's a nasty deal that sucks my uh honda odyssey had bucket seats in the back seats. Oh, yeah. That's why I wasn't being an absolute fuck demon. I would have, but there's the fucking bucket seats. You just fall in the chasm between the two of them. Yeah. Could never really lay out. What car did you drive in high school? A beat to shit Volvo.

Volvo? The Vo. As I've said before, we didn't have money until I turned 25. Yeah. I was just busting your chops. Don't do this. Stop walking back your jabs. It wasn't a jab. I'm tired of that shit.

Because then it makes me look like the asshole. I'm just busting your chops, bro. Relax. But you weren't busting your chops. Does the cast of Tires know that you have anger problems? I'm going to start touching you. And I know you don't like that. I would, yeah.

Well, once you get on network television, you're allowed to start touching people. Streaming. Streaming. Grabbing by the pussy. It's not Nickelodeon. It's fucking Netflix. Once you're on Netflix, you can just start grabbing them by the pussy. Trump joke.

Thought that would kill, to be honest. No, it does. It kills. It's offensive. Trump was probably never on Netflix, though. You actually have one on Trump. You think Home Alone on netflix oh probably has been at some point yeah you're right yeah probably you know what else he's in is sex in the city really but he doesn't say anything he doesn't say anything in home he's just in a bar that they're at and Carrie's voiceover goes,

is there anything more New York than drinking a Cosmopolitan in the Plaza Bar with Donald Trump? He's sitting at an adjacent table. Is there anything more New York than some student protesters throwing a fucking combination bike lock through your window of your bar while Eric Adams is at the table in the back with some of his closest confidants. Did you see the NYPD storming Columbia? Man, Columbia has really taken all the smoke. Columbia is the new Columbia.

Columbia is. Yeah, right. Columbia's taken over for columbia you need a fucking resurgence of uh old uh pablo escobar yeah yeah it literally looked like a like a world war ii movie when like the country's being stormed just on foot and they're just marching in yeah it sounds like they need to send pablo escobar exam in there to yes litigate all those kids. His son. What's Pablo Escobar exam? The bar exam.

The bar exam. See, I don't got time to be keeping up with that nonsense. I got bigger things to worry about. You truly can't wrap your mind around the conflict in Israel and Palestine. Sorry, I try not to joke around when we're talking about that. That might just be me, though. Yeah, right, bro. You're the biggest Zionist

on this show. Don't put words in my mouth. You don't know what I am. I'm neutral. Sorry, I just believe that people should be alive. Well, that's the weakest thing to be. Neutral? From the river to the sea, that's the weakest thing to be, my brother. Neutral?

Neutral. Only neutrals are the fucking sweets seltzers i'm fucking knocking back those things are dog shit we're not sponsored by them are we well probably not not of course not they're dog shit those are the worst things i've ever had yeah dude those are things that you you go to bed after drinking and you're like i think my teeth are like see-through right now i I think these things like removed all of the- Enamel. Yeah. They strip you of your enamel.

They're so sweet. I had a question I wanted to ask you guys, but I can't remember what it was. Was it about Columbia, the campuses, protests? The bar exam. Bar exam, Sex and the City, Donald Trump, streaming services. The protests at Columbia are an interesting thing because... They're at Fordham now. They just moved to Fordham because Colombia shut down.

So they're like, the next kids are picking up. I wonder what these kids think they're doing. Saving the world. I guess that's what they think they're doing, right? I think they are. Have you seen Jeff Nadeau being like... He keeps on reposting kids who are like really sassy and in favor of palestine and they're like he keeps on being like they would

kill you in palestine like gay presented kids and trying to flame them it's not wrong i uh i just think about my college experience and i don't remember a time where i thought i'd be willing to sleep outside for something you think there's any part of them and they're like this is fun as hell even even joining like a fraternity i would have been like i'm not going to camp out in the yard no No way. The fraternity move at Penn State that you always heard was they would give the whole pledge class laxatives and then take them to the top of, I think, Beaver Mountain, some mountain nearby, and then give the entire pledge class one single toilet paper

and tell them that they had to walk home. One roll? No, no. One square. Each? No, no. Among the entire pledge class. What the hell is that for?

You gotta all wipe your ass with it? I'll just not wipe my ass at that point. I'm not gonna be putting someone else's shit in my ass. Your finger's going through that on at least wipe two. Wipe one. Wipe one. Probably wipe one. Unless it's triple ply or something.

Guys, let's take a second and talk about game time. Game time. Did you know that you can get tickets to a Knicks game? A Yankees game? What a time of year for game time. Do you know you can go to

Brooklyn Cyclones, the Rangers, even the Islanders or Mets? Wow. And it's all right here on your phone at game time. Game time. So simple. So straightforward. Just a couple clicks and bam, you have been transported even the Islanders or Mets and it's all right here on your phone at game time so simple so straightforward

just a couple clicks and bam you have been transported into a memory that you will never forget New York Red Bulls playing this Saturday get in the freaking building New York FC I mean there's so much going on the Adirondack Thunder

imagine being able to go to an Adirondack Thunder game you might even be able to get tickets for Francis' special on Game Time. I've seen you on Game Time before. I've seen your tickets available on Game Time. Comedy, music, sporting events, live theater, if that's your cup of tea. You can get it all right there on Game Time. It's so straightforward. And plus, Game Time's the best place for last-minute

tickets. They'll have 60% off of your favorite events. Unbelievable deals going on over at GameTime. I'm excited to go to Francis' show. And if available, I will buy some tickets on GameTime. That's my promise to you. Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app. Create an account and use code BOYDAD for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Download the GameTime app today. Last minute tickets. Lowest price.

Guaranteed. Penn State doesn't even know that there is a conflict in the Middle East. Oh, no. Word hasn't made its way up to Happy Valley. They're still worried about Sandusky out there. The kids still haven't stopped tenting out for Sandusky. For Joe Pa. They're defending Joe Pa's good name.

See how Reggie Bush got his name back on the Heisman? That made me happy. It's about damn time. I was glad that they did that. He lost it for something with money, right? He was protesting Palestine. Damn, and they took it away from him?

They stripped him. No, why did he actually lose it? He was betting or something? No, he was receiving gifts or something. Oh yeah, he received gifts. I think he was working in a pizza shop or something. He made money on his own. Yeah.

Yeah, he got a job at a Chipotle in the off-season and took his Heisman away. You will be dirt poor. You will be poor for as long as you're here. And you'll like it at USC. Every kid is like rich as fuck. And he was just like, I just want to get, I just want to be able to pay for my own spaghetti and meatballs

on the weekends. You know what I never understood about the Johnny Manziel thing was how come, like, so he was making all this money from autographs how much was johnny manziel's autograph worth that was money laundering yeah that was for autographs and it was just like boosters giving him a bunch of money interesting oh i didn't know that either i don't think it's i mean i thought you know what i said is not true yeah Yeah. If he's selling an autographed Johnny Manziel jersey that's framed, that, at that time when he was the hottest sensation in all of college football, maybe ever, could be worth a lot to the Texas A&M fans.

I guess that's true. Give it back now. You're getting better. But what about Caleb Williams? I wouldn't buy a caleb williams well that's because you don't like gay people i don't want to get aids uh way to completely i was gonna say it and then you stole it from me no i i had it first but i you took it i was in the middle of saying you went bigger so i'm fine with that that That's fine. You can have it.

I had that joke in my head for the last five minutes. It's gone now. But adult autograph seekers are a different breed. Yeah. But they're also all doing it as like an investment.

Stop. Like there's so few people that are actually like collectors. Yeah, I do. Stop stealing all my stuff. Why do you have so much cash? It's so few people that are actually collectors. Yeah, I do. Stop stealing all my stuff. Why do you have so much cash? It's so goddamn annoying. This is terrible podcasting.

No one's going to listen to this and be like, what are they giggling about? They're going to be like, why are they stopping talking every five seconds? You do that every time just because you lose your jewel. But I don't stop the whole conversation. Oh, really? You don't stand up and start frantically patting yourself down? Hey,'t go, hey, guys, both of you guys stop having a conversation. I got to look for my jewel. I was still talking.

I'm very nonchalant about it. While I was wondering how you got so much cash in your wallet, I was still talking. I got cash in my wallet because I do spots every night. That's all spot pay? Yes. Damn, dude. What are you going to do with all that? It's like $100. dollars no there's way more

than that not really yeah dude are you gonna send some of that to someone who needs it i's already sent it all to israel you should send it yeah you gotta send it all back home to your israeli family yeah to rebuild the iron dome the bra i got hit up in a group uh by a friend of mine or a guy i know who has a family member who's fighting in israel okay and he was like listen you know we need this this squadron desperately needs the newest high-end night vision goggles like every dollar counts i'm like do they actually insanely high go to your local spy store yeah pick up the nicest night vision goggles they have and send them to israel four hundred thousand dollars a pair like i have two pairs but one keeps getting foggy these guys are tired of

sharing night vision goggles when they need to see there's a lot of the war fought at night oh all wars are fought at night pal wars don't have a punch in punch out there's no stock market dude i was late for war i fucking almost missed war i showed up 15 minutes late. Where the fuck were you? It's like turning around when you forget your cleats on the way to a soccer game. Did I leave my night vision goggles at home? Fuck. Mom. Mom, take me back.

We could probably still make it for the second quarter of war. Oh, man. It should have happened. No, that conversation was, for me, was always more like, Mom, I don't even want to go. I'm too embarrassed. And she'd be like, no, it's fine. You're going. We paid for the war.

You paid for your rifle. Yeah, we're taking you. That was the worst, going to a hockey game and having to get onto the ice halfway through the game. Oh, my God. You're already the worst player on the team. And you're late now. I think you were hoping

you weren't gonna make it one time one time i was it was a high school playoff a fucking playoff lacrosse game but we were it was an early round so we're playing some team from another part of maine that i'd never even heard of yeah and we were just gonna beat the fucking shit out yeah just be the lights out and i went out on my boat with my girlfriend. Like we had this little motorboat. And we were just up the river swimming because it was hot. And our boat ran out of gas.

And I had to paddle this boat all the way across the channel, back home. Showed up super late to the lacrosse game. I mean, it was in the first quarter when it started, and I was a captain. But they put me in. I scored a goal. Right away?

Yeah. Ellis is back. Let's go. First touch. First touch. They were terrible. And then it was like, we're just going to put the subs in. Where did you play?

Attack? Midfield. Middy? What side? Left, right, center? Center. Go on. Look at at him we didn't really have sides oh yeah i guess that's true i guess you don't have sides yeah i don't know i was

thinking about hockey yeah left wing right wing no middies in hockey dumbass no there isn't that was a right wing in hockey best they've ever seen so you played lefty no if you're on the right oh i guess i was a left wing i don't know when you're that young it doesn't they don't actually matter where they just still the best they've ever seen the point of the best i've ever seen you guys ever hear that story about jim thorpe going to like one of the first olympics, and he's about to run the 100-meter dash or something like that, and his shoes were stolen. And so right before the race, he found two mismatched shoes in the garbage,

still ran and broke every world record at the time, wearing basically black loafers, wearing church shoes to fucking sprint. So fucking impressive. I once wore golf cleats to church on Christmas. Which is basically the same thing that Jim Thorpe did. Maybe more impressive, honestly.

I had some brown foot joys that if you didn't look at the bottom, looked like dress shoes. And that's all I had at home. Could you like unscrew the... If I'd had the tool. Oh, yeah, you need a tool. But church was coming quick. One time I wore Heelys to school.

And that's a big no-no. With the wheels? Yes, with the wheels. And I was Heelying around school. Those are so fucking cool. I know, and I got in trouble. And then my teacher took the wheels out with scissors. What?

Yeah. What? My. What? My parents would be furious. My parents were furious. My parents were furious at me for wearing Heelys to school. Not that the teacher took the wheels out. One time I wore Heelys to church and I just slid up to get my first communion. I like skidded like when you're stopping really fast on ice.

I fucking completely iced the priest and then I got my fucking Eucharist. That's pretty badass. Yeah, it was incredible. Nothing wrong with that. That's just efficient. That's just a man who wants the body of Christ in his system as fast as he can get it. Yeah, I went around for a second lap. I got a second helping of Jesus.

I was damn good at the Heelys. Were you? Oh, yeah. Those kids were cool the problem with the heelys is that they didn't make any like casual wear heelys they all looked like big ass osirises with wheels on them you could also get the ones with the grind plates on the bottom those were soaps soaps yeah but they added they added that to heelys oh like a swiss army knife shoe exactly wow i never had a pair like that though yeah no they called me maddie heelys oh like a swiss army knife shoe exactly wow i never had a pair like that though yeah no

they called me maddie healy back in 75 when i was in school soaps looked cool but that looks also i don't i'm not like a big i'm not trying to be like grinding on shit no we had a kid who got them, Ezra Moser. And I remember thinking, can he? And he tried. And he could not. And he could not. Yeah. Nor could he ever. Yeah.

It's pretty tough to do. And at that point, you're just wearing shoes that are very heavy with a hole in the middle. Yeah. You're wearing weapons. Oh. Soaps. Heelys. We should get some.

We must. I'm going to get some some should i order some right now sure no i can't do that can you really get quicker i mean how good is the wheel oh it's good really downhill i could cruise i mean it's kind of a slope to my apartment from here i could probably just cruise right home but on the way in it would take you fucking four hours it would be a long long way in for sure for sure but the problem is with the helis is that the if you get even the pebble in there it's an instant stoppage catapult forward yeah pitch over your own toes honestly helis are ideally used inside on like concrete like this. Concrete. Or a tennis court, perhaps.

There's enough divots in this fucking busted-ass office. This would not bother me at all. I'll walk my dog down by the Brooklyn Piers, and there's a guy out there every single day of the year rollerblading. Every single day. Back and forth. You'll see him like nate four or five times no this guy's fucking hot and shredded fucking takes his shirt off god no nate used to rollerblade around the city you didn't know this no the first day i moved to new york i went out and got drinks with kb and nick on stone street and uh in fidei yeah yeah and nate came flying in on rollerblades swear to god someone told me you guys are here yeah no i think

nick was texting him and he was like nate's coming he's rollerblading now and he came in hot but he had like a backpack on to change in shoes rollerblades with a backpack on is a cool look. Oh, yeah. That's a cool look. Yeah, very tactical. Yeah. Very SWAT looking. Mm-hmm.

I heard on Frankie Borelli's first day, Nate rollerbladed up to him and was like, you're not supposed to bring in beers or whatever. You ever hear that story that Frankie was going to bring beers to Dave during his interview? No. You guys never heard that story? I've heard the story about how Nate coached Frankie. Yeah, he coached him. He was on rollerblades at the time. And that Frankie

owes his job to Nate. To Nate, right. And it's because he was on rollerblades. Who was? Nate was? So Nate's been blading for that long. Yeah. I didn't know that. I thought this was like a new thing. No, he's been blading. Now he's a gym rat. You guys see his gym post yesterday?

No. No. He's an absolute gym rat. I didn't have time to see it because I was in the gym myself. I'm such a fan of transformations, body transformations. Yeah.

It just makes me really happy. I like seeing people that really... Either way, honestly, I'll watch someone get fat as fuck. Oh, no doubt about it. I don't even know which one I prefer. That's not true it's always when you improve um but it is i mean there's a schadenfreude to someone getting fat as

fuck there is what i don't like is somebody who loses a ton of weight and then gains it back on that's when i feel sad that's that happens though happens aens a lot. Constantly. Yo-yo. Yeah. Is what they're eating. Yeah. For that to happen. Then I'm not even talking about the tasty snack. I think they're just eating the toy. Yeah, they're just crushing toys. Covered in fucking Crisco.

They're crushing Dunkins. They're just fucking woofing down some fat Dunkins. Did you guys ever yo-yo? Did you ever yo-yo? I was great at yo-yo. You had a Firebolt? I was always good at those weird shit like this. Fireball, maybe? I was good at rip-sticking Heelys and yo-yo? Did you ever yo-yo? I was great at yo-yo. You had a firebolt? I was always good at those weird shit. Fireball, maybe?

I was good at rip-sticking, Heelys, and yo-yo. I was pretty decent at it. Rip-sticking was the devil sticks? No, that was Japanese yo-yo. I thought rip-sticking, that's farting on a kid in your class. No, rip-sticking is like the skateboard, but it only has one on both sides. Rip-sticking was that thing you plugged into your TV so that you could access Amazon. I thought it was like the bamboo thing that you put two fingers into and you try to get out of it.

That's what gay people do. And it's called dock sticking. Docking. Dock sticking. Dock sticking. Which docking always has confused me as a straight male because I always wonder if there's pleasure for that in anybody, for for anybody have you not don't knock it till you talk it or if it's just don't knock it or is it just like a pure curiosity thing i can't believe my name inside your foreskin let's put it this way you need a lot of foreskin you need like a bag you would need honestly you need to do a

transformation and it would be right before the surgery when you're still a lot of skin yes it needs to be sloughing sloughing off you said transformation not even a transition a full transformation oh yeah transition give me the jewel right now i did get it without you noticing oh i noticed immediately no you didn't you had it for less than a second but you didn't see me take it i literally heard you grab it and you did not see Yeah, but you didn't see me take it. I literally heard you grab it and then turn over and said, give me the jewel. You did not see me take it. You didn't see me take it. That's what matters.

It's crazy that there's an entire line of khakis that are named after docking. And you can't stain them. Yeah. Which was always a problem with docking because combining the shmegma would release ooze. Yeah, it's like a chemical compound is released any time that you combine two shmegs like that. There is a Genesis theory about Earth that it was actually created when Adam and Steve

combined their primordial ooze out of which came the world. And Adam was split. It wasn't his rib. That's what happens when you dock. It was his jizz. When you dock, are you both busting? Are you busting at each other like a squirt gun competition? It's like when you go Saiyan.

It's like two it's like when you go saying it's like uh two different fucking anime characters harry and voldermort shoot the spell at the same time and whoever can yeah yeah has more will that it'll burst out of their mouth first yeah damn fucking harry potter really is just anime for british kids cleaning up a dock sesh must just be a mess i don't think there's so much i don't know if there's much busting going on there may be but the smell has to be crazy it's got to be disgusting this is like chlorine i'd love to pick a gay man's brain about docking and wonder if it's even something that people do or if it's just like a meme right i bet it is just a meme what's sad is that like i want to put my dick inside of your dick.

Whenever you want to have questions for a gay guy, they don't have all the answers. They don't. You think that every gay guy would just be downloaded with the knowledge. Yeah. But they don't... There's not as many gay freaks as you would expect. If you ask Joey Comasta

Like about docking or something like that Like I don't I think he'd be like Yeah like people don't really do it that much Like it'd be hard to find a docker A true docker Right There's not a lot of real dockers these days

Right Exactly Five pockets Speaking of docking Francis and I are supposed to go Do a little barstool outdoors soon Mmm Docking Boats Get it? Come on guys Keep up Speaking of docking, Francis and I are supposed to go do a little barstool outdoors soon. Docking, boats, get it?

Come on, guys, keep up. What a... I feel like that would be the kind of thing that... You're more of an inside cat. All three of us would kind of do it together. Look at the sign. Well, we've been meaning to talk about that. Look, Rone. I get completely taken off. we're going out to film

season two of tires no yeah wait if you took off the front of the r or if you put a f in front of the r and turn the o to a give it a little tail and the n is still there And then you turn the E into a C-I-S. Yeah. Sass and Francis. Little sass and frown sass. Sass and frown sass. I've been there twice. You guys are going with Wells? Yeah. Sorry, bro.

What the fuck? Not enough room on the boat, bro. What kind of boat are you guys getting? Tippy Canoe. Tyler, too? Oh, yeah. Tyler's coming. Damn. Yeah, they said, do you want Sass, Ron, and Francis? And we said, we're going to do Tyler, Sass, and Francis.

I was more doing the Tippy Canoe and Tyler, too. Yeah, and then I took it further. No, you just don't get the historical reference tippy canoe was a battle right battle of tippy canoe yeah we're getting out there looking to get tight looking to just get a get a lot of just picking up slobs a little bit of sight fishing perhaps yes i think me and donnie are going to brazil really yeah oh okay to Brazil. Really? Yeah. Oh. Okay. Well. Anyways.

Okay. Fuck you both. Guess we were right to change the name. Anyways. It's going to be a real droney, droney, droney experience. Are you actually going to go to Brazil with Donnie? Yeah. What are you guys doing down there?

It's going to be the Eagles. First game is down there. He's been meaning to go to Brazil with Donnie? Yeah. What are you guys doing down there? It's going to be the Eagles. The Eagles' first game is down there, and he's been meaning to go to Brazil. That's cool. I was talking to someone the other day who said that they're looking to get in a cut in five years from now. They're going to have 16 games a year across country. Someone told me they're going to add a team in England. That would be so insane.

That would suck so bad. Yeah, that would blow. To get drafted and be like, you're going to add a team in England. That would be so insane. That would suck so bad. Yeah, that would blow. To get drafted and be like, you're going to Manchester. I mean, a London NFL team? I don't know. It would look like a Panthers game when it's raining. Yeah. Just five people in the stands.

Or just random people in the crowd with Vikings jerseys. Yeah, wearing a Justin Jefferson jersey. Yeah, nothing's involved. They're just happy to be there. That is such a funny look whenever that happens. But imagine being from like Compton, being like the fastest kid in your fucking neighborhood.

You go to USC and then you're a first round draft pick and you have to go to Leeds. You have to go to Newcastle on time. You're from Arlington, Texas. The draft posts are always... I'm not a big fan of the continued hype. Are they doing that for your guys' picks?

Because today it's May 1st. Now they're like, it's happy May Day. And it's like, come on. It's not even going to start this year. Wait, no. May 1st was last week. Oh, shit. Yeah, I forgot.

What is it? May 15th? May the 4th? What if we just banked four episodes a week and just only recorded once a month? No, that's not how that would work. No, that would be insane. We'd have to go eight episodes a week. Oh, shit.

I forgot we do two episodes a week. The grind set, you know, you lose track. You're just constantly working. You forget what you're even doing. can tell from your wallet yeah the grind set is crazy should we count it i've been doing too much stand up lately they're saying i'm getting too good too fast did you take it or no i don't even think you did what do you mean no it's in my pocket look at that yeah can you not go through my personal shit bro that's fucking sweet invasion of privacy you don't see me going through your fucking thin ass wallet you want to go through it now it'd be too easy have it i already went through it it was just a glance

i don't even know where it is that's how they trust oh i should not show that to the camera that's a jersey jerry ass move we might actually have to blur that i don't know why i just did that no i don't know what i was thinking that. No, it's going to be all right. I don't know what I was thinking. Just pulled out my debit card and just showed it directly to the camera. And that's your whole life. That's literally where all of my money is. Yeah.

I thought your Delta carded up. Yeah, well, there's no money in it. Do you guys keep money in your Delta card? What? Exactly. It's got us in our credit cards work. Fucking fool. That's why you're not coming to Bar Delta card? What? Exactly. Scott doesn't know how credit cards work. Fucking fool. That's why you're not coming to have barstool outdoors, bro.

Got to keep you indoors, learn a little bit about finances. Sass was telling me that if we go to this fly fishing with Sydney in the ocean, that I'm not going to be able to do it. When are you guys doing this? He said it'd be 40 mile per hour winds. When are you guys doing this? Soon. Soon. A 40 mile per hour winds. When are you guys doing this? Soon. Soon. A couple weeks. Will you guys really just cut me out like that?

I didn't make the decision. I just get texts. From who? Top Dogs. When me and you were supposed to do something with Sydney, you told Dave no. Were you? Yeah. No, we actually did have the idea to do something with Sydney, but she's the mastermind. She knows that he and i have gone fly fishing together so i think she thought

especially when i said would you mind if i came to uh she said oh okay that makes sense because i when was this hmm you said do you mind if I come too? Did I say that? Yeah. Are you sure? Is that what you said? I don't know. Wait. I was talking to her about how you and I had gone fly fishing. Oh, I see. Okay.

And then I asked if I could come. To go to the forest and outdoors thing. Dude, you guys are literally, you guys are driving me up a fucking wall right now Just nonsense spewing out of your mouths It's been a little loopy Can't hold a conversation for shit It's alright I'm off the fucking mucinex, bro

I'll stay after, I'll just do a solo episode It's fine It's fun to just Kind of needle you a little bit I love it I'd love to hear what a solo episode from you would sound like too

you wouldn't want to hear be a lot of nasty things about you that's for sure I'd love to hear it you don't think that I have fucking 45 bars on you at any time damn bro

I've had 30 bars on you since the day we met bro exactly and I got 15 more still this is tough don't even get me started on this guy how many bars do you have thousands thousands of bars on you oh give me one before i even met you honestly yeah damn well you want to go 16 for 16 right here i'm ready i'm ready one bar is little sass went to the store that's a bar right or is it the two bro i don't have time to be doing fucking charity work right now i'm looking at

rone for this i don't trust you and your understanding of two would be a couple you were right little sass went to the store yeah to pick up some jewel pods galore. It's typical to have at least 16 bars on every one that you know. At least. Do you think you could come up with 16 bars right now that rhymed about me? No. God, no.

I think we could do it about you. Oh, yeah. That would be a hairy situation for sure. Very funny. See, he's already got a bar. That was a bar right there. You didn't even notice. I heard it.

You didn't even notice. I clocked it. He clocked it while you were s a bar. That was a bar right there. You didn't even notice. I heard it. You didn't even notice. I clocked it. He clocked it while you were sassing him. We should go fire some guns. We should. I'd be into that. Yeah, probably.

You guys are going to go do that with Sidney Wells. Don't worry. Me and Donnie are going to judge butts. I don't even know a thing that you guys would want to do. You guys are going to go judge butts?

Me and Donnie are going gonna go down to fucking Carnival we're gonna go down to Carnival and judge some transsexuals it's gonna be tough if you don't go tight while we're down there you don't want to be the one one guy that does not go tight on the trip I don't know what that means

Francis is gonna go tight, tight line I'll have a good, my line will be tight does not go tight on the trip. I don't know what that means. Francis is going to go tight. You're a tight line. I'll have a good line. I'll be tight. I'm begging you to do some research before we get out there. I like to go in... Just on simple lingo. I like to go with the flow.

I like to let the fish come to me. Sass, how about this? Day of, I'll just come to the dock and if he doesn't have the lingo down, you just tap in the lefty. That sounds perfect to the bullpen. That sounds perfect to me. Damn.

There's no chance. We honestly should have you out there. No, Wells doesn't want me. That would be huge for our page. It's easy to get there. All you have to do is ask. Well, now I'm thinking about it. Like, Francis is already going to be on television. We may as well be on the next best thing.

Barstool Outdoors. Francis, you're out. Roan's in. Sidney, do you hear how he's disparaging Barstool Outdoors right now? That's not. I was actually being genuine. Now Sass is out. Me and Francis are in.

You can't wedge me out. If you wedge me out, you'll see me out there shooting the fish with a gun or rifle. I'll be out there with an M16 just unloading into the ocean. I'm going to be like Rambo with a knife in my teeth, fucking sprinting off the dock, fucking diving in. Well, now that we banged another episode out today, I'm probably going to go tight tomorrow if anyone wants to join. I know.

That's honestly why I said we should do the other one today because I knew that you were trying to go tight tomorrow. It's going to be 80 tomorrow. Whoa. Yeah. Really? You know what that means. Happy hatch. Throws dries only

at the gorge. Happy hatches. Oh, God. Black caddis action. Alright, let's call it. I'm more of a woolly bugger guy these days. A lot of guys these days at the Gorge, they're calling me Bugger.

Bugger. Wooly Bugger. I just revealed my location. My spot. It's already going to have passed. True. Also, I've already kind of conquered that area now that I've caught one fish

out of the 19 times that I've been. So I'm probably going to move out. Probably going to go somewhere else. Is that the only fish you've caught? It's the only fish I've landed, yeah. He lands one 6% of the time. I mean, dude, you get me with a spin rod out there, it's going to be fucking tight city. But that's because that's cheating.

Oh. Yeah. Honestly, if I drop six rods, I'd probably have a type 5 by now too yeah you think oh big time i'm tight tight give me 16 rods i have a type 15 not a bad plan i'm planning for this wyoming trip right now and we're fucking googling i gotta i have like my list of shit on rei dude dumb shit like the littlest things are so like a sleeping bag it's like 200 yeah but it's important though and theoretically you'll reuse it you got to just get them at the police auction after they take them away from the columbia kids true oh that's actually a bad idea

that's a great idea dude one time i remember when i was working at that da's office job we went out to a police impound lot and they had all the cars that drug dealers had owned. Yeah. The cars were so sick. Oh, sure. So sick. Blacked out. I think you can buy those at auction.

Yeah. And then you go out and drive it once and then you get killed the next day. There's that motherfucker now. Imagine being a drug dealer and just seeing some like rich white dude just driving around in your car you won't because the windows are so tinted true do they got the rims that make it look like the wheels aren't moving love those or uh i picked up in a in an uber from milwaukee and the dude had this like little souped up honda with the inside of all the seat covers were like these Louis Vuitton covers, but they're like clearly not real. Yeah,

dude. I totally forgot that this happened on Saturday night. I do. I had four spots and I'm leaving the stand at like 1am and I was on like back-to-back shows. So the, I'm leaving, I just finished my downstairs spot and there's people from the upstairs show.'s people from the upstairs show leaving while i'm leaving and they're all

like you know saying hi what's up oh great show thanks for coming you're the funniest person here by a mile you're the best you're so talented and i'm like so i'm like saying hi to everybody taking pictures with people and then my uber shows up it's a black tesla it has the butterfly doors My Uber shows up. It's a black Tesla. It has the butterfly doors. I was mortified, dude. I'm getting into an Uber after like saying hi to all these people.

And then the doors go up like this. Just a total scene. That's incredible. Like that's a reflection on you. Like that's like I specially requested that car. I'm not going to get it. Yeah. I don't want to get the normal doors.

No, give me the Uber Monarch. Dude, my face turned bright red when he popped the door especially in front of comedians especially with how you like dress down to be as schlubby as possible and then you just go back to your life living in batman's manner it was super embarrassing You get onto a fucking like a helicopter drone that just like flies away with you. All right. All right. See you guys. That's worse than getting like the fucking van that picks you up like the Ford van. You ever get that one?

Yeah, I've had that one. That's worse. Yeah, I'd rather have that than have the fucking butterfly doors. The Ford van is like a British cab. Like with the... Are you talking about the one with the seats all the way in the back? That's like how... What are the British cabs called?

Buggies? Bobbies? Yeah, I know what you mean. Trams? Prams? Bobby Altoffs? Bobby Altoffs? Bobby Altoffs. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. Truly. Cabbies. Cabbies. Cabbies. That's what it is. Cabbies. Cabbies.

Hackney Carriage. Oh, the Hackney Carriage. Yeah, I was thinking of Hackney Carriage. What a long name for a cab. I guess we should hail a hail a hackney carriage. I don't know. Whatever. Alright. Well, that's been the podcast.

Sacramento this weekend. LittleSasquatchWebsite.com Get your tickets. Five shows. Three nights of just straight magic. Come on out. It's going to be everything and better than you could possibly imagine. Francis, anything?

I'll be at Borelli's Taproom on Long Beach, May 16th. Maybe I'll come out for that. I'll probably come out and grace the stage with some time. Just working on this new hour. Well, that Long Island crowd, I mean, you can really let it loose in the Long Island crowd. You can say anything to those

folks. Well, that shit's an absolute kill box. Kill box, but it's a pill box. Exactly. Tiny. This guy knows what he's talking about. This guy knows rooms. Love talking rooms with you boys. Talking ceiling heights.

Every episode's basically an episode of Clue. Yeah. He killed in this room. He killed in that room. He killed in that room. All right. All right. I have to put three more out. What's up with doing this? Coward.

I'm not sure I can do that. Coward. Of course not. I bet you're looking for it. I don't know. I don't know. That's good. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. to you came around I was only falling one way I was only falling one way Days were drifting before was I We're drifting. Got it. Here we go.

Four was I. Got it. So. So then you listen. Now I come alive. I was only falling my way. I was only falling one way. I was only falling one way. I was only falling one way. I was only falling one way.

Vanished to your eyes Did you realize No one can take me alive I was only falling one way. See it just a distant light. Painful as forever bright. Call it just a memory. Take my hand and you can see I'm home

I'm home I'm home I'm home I'm home And I won't fall And I won't fall And I won't fall Managed to your eyes is true you're right did you realize

no one could take me alive