Son of a Boy Dad - Getting Schumered | Son of a Boy Dad #169

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

Getting Schumered | Son of a Boy Dad #169 -- Ad: Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code BOYDAD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). -- Ad: Son of a Boy Dad is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/SON today to get 10% off your first month. -- Ad: Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/son50 and use code son50 to get 50% off. -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Perfect. All right. Shall we? Are we ready to go? We shall.

We must. All right. All righty. Welcome back to the Son of a Boy Dad podcast. Today it is Monday, it is January 29th. No, I was wrong. And we are live from HQ3, and we are going to puff on some stogies to christen the new studio. Stogue, stogue it up. St stog it up stogosaurus francis uh this took francis by storm i did didn't see it coming it's a very abrupt plan though we didn't leave you out of any planning it's okay i'm never a i don't get uh i'm not a fomo jealousy kind of

guy but you said you were like well there goes my goes my day. Yeah, well, I've been on the workout train, and I had planned to do a workout later, and it's tough to come back from a cigar. Who's like a famous cigar smoker? Michael Jordan was on the cover of... Schwarzenegger's a big one. Yeah? Huge.

Jacked. Brother. Both of them are athletes. No excuses. No excuses for getting in the gym. I guess John Daly would be like a fat cigar boy. Yeah, but he's not really an icon of health. Churchill's the most iconic cigar smoker.

Yeah? Yeah, he's got cigars named after him. I was thinking like, is there any cartoon characters that smoked cigars? Did Popeye smoke cigars? Because Popeye was jacked. He had a pipe. See? Or like an old boss in like a Merry Melodies.

Oh, yes. Where they would like blow up in their face. Yeah. The mob boss of the evil one. DuckTales, something like that. I don't know. Will Smith would just bite it for the look. He wouldn't light it.

He wouldn't light it, yeah. All right, I'm going to light mine. Yo, what is that fucking lighter, bro? Oh, yeah, it's titties. I don't know if we can get an angle of that but yo bro titties on bro is too horny damn dude why is this in mine this is large okay yeah yeah sure but it is funny yeah it's not yours it is funny that they're just like someone would buy this and be like yeah this is definitely the one that i want to have forever this isn't the whole thing with

zippos that it's like a forever lighter someone Someone bought this and was like, yeah, I want to have the one with the titties on it. It's like an engagement ring. For the rest of my life. Yeah. You'll be too young to remember this, Sass, but before the internet and pornography as kids, Ronan and I would desperately try to find any place to see titties we could. Right. And I remember being in like the Bahamas or florida or something in a

gift shop and they had these pens and lighters where when you clicked the pen then the girl that was on the front who was wearing like a bikini or a dress her clothing disappeared and i would sort of be in the back but behind the bookshelves of the gift shop you know clicking it on like trying to commit that to memory yeah i know the pens i've seen those memorizing them the hula girls that you put on a dashboard how horny do you have to be to be like i'm gonna get fucking a little bit horny while i'm driving around yeah a sexy little hula a whole vine minx driving horny is is a dangerous game that's a dangerous game that's like driving that's worse than driving high and a little bit less bad than driving drunk yeah i agree i agree driving horny there's there's truck drivers stroking off while they drive yeah beef stroking off that's that's definitely why they are that's why they

uh invented like the uh cruise control that all the trucks use yeah so they could crank down i mean dude they they have like a whole fucking room in those big-ass trucks. What do they call the... They probably just pull over on the side of the street and crank. What do they call the sex workers that... Lot lizards. Lot lizards, yeah. And it's... I think it's very common that it's men.

Is that so? I believe so. Nah, I just made that up completely. I wouldn't dare to gender my lot lizards. Yeah, that's true. It is kind of like a to gender my lot lizards. Yeah, that's true. It is kind of like whatever has a hole type scenario. Yeah, hole it up, hole in one. You're trying to get your dick in something. Yeah, that's right. I saw a video of some lot lizards recently, and they were weirdly attractive.

Really? You'd think that a lot lizard has to be this. That must have been somewhere. Where was it? It must have been somewhere. I'm it? It must have been somewhere. I'm picturing Charlize Theron. Ah, that's hot. Fuck.

Charlize Theron in Monster. Have you seen that? No. Pretty fucked up. Pretty fucked movie. You know what I watched last night? I watched Wind River. That's a fucked up movie.

You ever seen that? Yes, with Jennifer Lawrence. No. Wind River. That's a fucked up movie. You ever seen that? Yes, with Jennifer Lawrence. No. Wind River? No, it's the snow movie where he shoots Sniper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great movie. That movie's fucking good.

It's a great movie, yeah. That's a movie you gotta watch every now and then just to keep yourself honest. What am I thinking of? With Jennifer Lawrence? You're thinking of Snowpiercer. No, no, no. You're thinking of Snowpiercer. No, no, no. You're thinking of The Hunger Games.

She got that from this. Bone... Bone River. Bone something. Winter's Bone. Winter's Bone. Never heard of it. You should watch it.

Sounds good, though. How was the one that you watched? You said it was fucked up? Wind River? Yeah. Super fucked up, but it's a great movie. Break it down for me, brother. It's, uh...

Well, it's just, uh... I don't know. There's no really easy way to put, but it's a great movie. Break it down for me, brother. It's, well, it's just, I don't know. There's no really easy way to put it. It's a rape movie. There's no beating around the bush on that. Pretty much the entire movie is about rape. That's the genre? Yeah. That's when you go into movie gallery?

If you looked up rape thriller, that would be the first movie that came up. Sci-fi, drama. Ah, here we are, rape. Boy, there's only one movie in here golly it's out should have known better on a saturday night i should have come earlier when's the rape movie gonna be back in oh that's booked out for months don't over ash bro see this is something large would be on your ass about large you're asking too early i'm asking too early you need to let a nice cone build up.

That's like an old man thing, though. You got to let the ash get down so it's just like a foot of ash. It almost falls off the bone like a good tenderloin. Yeah, I don't want it to fall off the bone onto my body, though. Yeah, God forbid you ruin that fucking immaculate fit.

I've had these sweatpants since I was in high school. Yeah, I can tell. They're ripped up at the crotch, the fucking fringes. You have wool socks on, running shoes, a Patriots midriff-exposing sweatshirt. And the shell coat. It's time for a new North Face beanie, honestly. You're going to ask us for fucking money.

I know. These socks are the nicest socks I've ever had So goddamn warm These new balances too I mean these are great shoes These are great running shoes Columbia Okay fair enough

Columbia socks right? Oh yeah Sassy pants I was Pittsburgh Oh dude so good Genuinely Amazing Everyone there was great Staff

Dude best staff I've ever had at a comedy show what are they a comedy club they had the chicken fingers on the double no they were just all super friendly it was like there was not a single issue the entire weekend it was just it was it was so smooth everyone was great everyone was nice like it was like one of like you at the end of the weekend it just felt like you were like friends with everybody that's so great yeah it was nice you give them a good tip oh Oh yeah. How's that work? It's tricky. I struggle with it.

I don't know whether or not to just give the one person who is attending the green room a tip or to give some sort of manager a larger tip to disperse as they see fit among the staff. Sometimes if it's like more than one person coming in and out, I'll do that. But it was the same dude the whole weekend. So I just tipped him out. That's nice. Yeah. What percentage do you base that off of?

Depends on how much we make. Yeah. Say you made $5,000. What would you tip the guy? $15. $15? Those are my brothers. It felt like family in there.

Why don't you keep a little of that for yourself? This is what you work here for. Four days straight, five hours a night. So it's about 60 cents an hour. Yeah. Actually, three fives. It was great. It was really fun, dude.

It was much needed. I heard Nick's ass got up on stage. Yeah, he did. How did he do? Great. He's great. Yeah, he did seven minutes at every show it was fun seven yeah did you like put a light up or he knew what his seven was

um there was a light but i think he probably did just like whatever around that yeah yeah how did he do good he did great good or great great oh i bet he did great oh yeah that's what i'm saying he did great you're kind of saying he did good which kind of seems fucked I bet he did great. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm saying. He did great. You're kind of saying he did good, which kind of seems fucked up. No, he did very well. He's obviously just a great joke writer. So he's natural at it. How was his rhythm? Great.

Did you guys ever see when Dana White did stand up? No. No. Great rhythm. Oh, my God. That's not surprising, though. Really? I mean, Dana White's fucking always been in front of big crowds and shit.

I suppose so. But I don't think that necessarily correlates. He's got a business mind and a promotional mind. This is definitely going to need to be a video episode if you're listening to this. If you're wondering where the long pauses are coming from's it's people deciding it's time again to once again but it's like not with sass it's not just a race by the way taking a puff you have like a smoldering glare every time you do it i like to have the big milky cloud in front of my face yeah hurt the eyes it has to drift up and hurt the eyes when i was in college i would uh i would smoke a a marlboro red as soon

when i first had my that my house with the first time i moved in every morning when i took a dump i would smoke a marlboro red on the john jesus christ like hell it would but it would nothing would get the poop out faster it was like a fucking gift the poop crackled out of my body but i would like put i wouldn't even have contact lenses in yet so i'd have glasses and i'd be smoking a marlboro red on the toilet like face down and it would just seep into my eyeballs it was a fucking dude i just the first time i smoked a marlboro red i'd smoked cigarettes before but only like american spirits and because that was like when you were young it was like oh american spirits are actually healthy they're good for you

and uh yeah and i remember the blue the light blue and the light yellow yeah like healthy colors yeah and i remember i smoked a marlboro red and i legitimately like my first thought was like there was something else in this like this was not just tobacco yeah that's literally what i thought there's fentanyl in this dipped in frog because i was young and i was drunk and i smoked a marlboro red and I just instantly got the spins like so bad. And I realized, oh, that's just because that was a real cigarette. The spins. I've had some bad times with the spins.

Those nights in college where you'd have to put a foot on the floor like a kickstand. You'd be sleeping on your little single bed and you'd be like, ah, the room is, I'm on a tilt-a-whirl. Dude, the best way I've ever had dealing with the spins is just, you just got to accept them. You got to let them take you on the journey. I would puke, get everything out of my system, and then I would go back to bed and it would still be spinning. And so the only way to even get a semblance of centering was to put a leg down. The best I've ever had with it is literally you just fall into it and eventually

it stops. I spin counter to the spin and so it just feels like you're still. You're just kind of doing cart wheels around. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. My other move was I would put my hand in a bucket of water while I was sleeping. Really? You wake up pregnant.

water while I was sleeping. Really? No. You wake up pregnant. Even put in a great family guy episode where they did that, I think, where he did it as a prank or something. Actually, does anyone remember this? No, I haven't seen a lot of family guy, to be honest. The prank used to be that you put someone's hand in water

at a sleepover, and they pee themselves. Yeah, warm water. I think family guys did it in like all the women they did it to woke up pregnant or something I can't remember exactly when I was at the doctor

last week I tried to put my hand in warm water to piss and I still couldn't piss I was trying to prank yourself I was on Google looking up like

how to get myself to piss and so what you just had like a bucket of warm water there no I was in the bathroom I had the sink and I just ran my hand under warm water

I'm surprised that didn't work immediately I know well there was no piss in me that's why I couldn't piss a bucket of warm water there? No, I was in the bathroom. I had the sink and I just ran my hand under warm water. I'm surprised that didn't work immediately. I know. Well, there was no piss in me. That's why I couldn't piss. There was something always sexual about handing the cup of pee to the nurse.

Really? I've never actually done the direct handoff. It's always been more of like just put it on this counter. Oh, you leave it in the thing. Oh, that's right. Well, it used to be

that I would come out of the bathroom with it and they'd be like, you don't need to give this to me. You could have just left it on the thing. My hands are, I have to like put down their clipboard. I'd be like, I don't need to give this to me. You could have just left it on the thing. My hands are, I have to like put it down their clipboard.

I'd be like, I prefer it this way. I want you to feel it. I want you to feel it at its hottest. Quick, quick, quick, quick now.

You can keep a little of that for yourself. Warm, huh? I'm not going to ask what you did with it. Yeah. Good color? Just eyeballing it, like what do you think right now?

It's a good head on that, right? Perfect pour. Just say i had some cod for dinner last night you go down the p on the side halfway and then switch to right down the middle you let it sit for half a minute like a guinness yeah take a little thumb prick and add some blood drops to it yeah you like that swirl it in but she's never seen orange pea before when they sadly they probably have they probably when

they're getting everything yeah if they're getting a pea sample from an old man that's probably like a thick orange it's coming out like toothpaste dude it's just like syrup like syrup from the side of a tree yeah like sap thick as hell just keep the cholesterol is in it beads of sap yeah you see the cholesterol swimming around just screaming in the bathroom trying to get it out like you're trying to get the rope through that sucked into your sweatpants or something you're like squeezing it out trying to get a baseball through a sock ron i've noticed you put your cigar down explain that well see this is an arturo fuentes cigar holder which uh was also part of the gift so it was the arturo fuentes cigars the big titty zippo lighter and the uh beautiful ashtray right

here and why would you have a beautiful ashtray and not use it it says we will never rush the hands of time it seems like you're trying to rush the hands of time with how you're smoking and it's literally the arturo fuentes crest the logo you got me in a corner you backed me into a corner there feels like sass has got somewhere to be feels like i'm rushing the hands of time you got a big meeting later no i don't this is all i got today and i am rushing the hands of time dude fucking long day. I had to go to work and smoke a cigar for an hour. I try to get it done as fast as possible. Dissociate a little bit.

I'm in fucking Hawaii right now. It is nice. Oh, yeah. Now I get why Rogan does this. You get to the bottom and you feel that nice heady buzz. There's a very, I love, I do love the buzz from a cigar. I don't get the buzz. Because you rip the jewel all the time.

That's too bad. All right, hand me that zipper. I need to relight. I've let the hands of time slow down too much. Time is standing still. You sure you don't want to just borrow Sass's and dock it with his? Do the old docking mechanism. There we go.

Finally got the ash. You don't need to ash. Again, you've ashed, what, four times now? No, but that was the only one that was ever successful. I was trying to ash and the ash was hanging on. I'm going to get at least double, if not triple, how long this is right now. That's not going to last. Watch. I'd love to see it.

Watch, man. That would be awesome. I'm going to start smoking it straight up and down. Roan, you're really just sucking on the label. I've never seen that before, ever. Roan just had the cigar three inches into his mouth. I took the label off. Roan had the label

fully in his mouth. You guys like what you see me for? He takes it out and he's tied it into a knot. I took the label off of my mouth like a starburst. Like dexterous with my tongue.

Oh, man. Why do you boys take the label off? I just feel like it's easier. I'm going to get there eventually. I'm going to smoke it down to the fucking roach. The bone.

We're going to need some tweezers for this bad boy. Roach clip. Roach clips are such a 70s way of smoking weed it's crazy how scarce weed must have been for people to

passing around the thing they had to smoke with a fucking pair of cuticle clippers is that what they use I thought they just used the long ass what was that what was the one where people would smoke the cigs you're thinking of Cruella de Vil yes that's right you're thinking of like 101 Dalmatians Tiffany's yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. But Hunter S. Thompson used to smoke cigarettes with that. Did he now? Yeah. I guess that makes it stink less or it doesn't get stuck to your hands. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

Yeah, the hands thing. But roach clips are probably a way of preserving weed. Dude, we used to do the nastiest things to preserve the ends of fucking blunts. We would take a fucking water bottle like this one and then like with a lighter burn a tiny hole in it and then burn another tiny hole

put the fucking thing in and create like a fucking non-water bong out of it it probably took years off of my life it's disgusting i was probably smoking plastic smoking the paper there's probably i was just plastic and paper. Yeah, my friends used to do this. Like I was checking out at a grocery store. We did aluminum cans. Yeah. We would turn into pipes of some kind.

Even I thought that was crazy. Aluminum cans, poking holes in aluminum. My friends, we would do resin bowls. You ever do a resin bowl? Oh, but that's just the res within the glass bowl. Yeah. I think that's kosher. No, I know what you're talking about.

When it was just like a block of molten black ash. Yeah, yeah. And they would smoke that. Yeah, yeah. You're thinking of like, are you thinking of... Like a res hit, you hit the bowl from like the other side or whatever. No, they would take like a paper clip and they would would shave off all of the sides of the bowl and then put that in the center of the bowl and smoke that.

Smoking charcoal, basically. That's nasty. Or you do it with your fingernail and you look like a chimney sweep because it will never leave from underneath your fingernails. I used to do that just so women wouldn't think I was so effeminate. I had a friend who looked like this. Your hands are so dirty. Are you in landscaping?

Yeah you know But then they feel The inside of your hand And it's fucking Like a cleaners with lotion Been counting money I had to clean out A wasp nest

The other week Why is it so fine On the other side? Don't worry about it At least back of my hand You have to be too careful With these wasps I had a buddy Liam

And he When the pens Were very big the weed pens okay snitch the penjamin first time you've ever named a buddy yeah and just when he did something bad he he ran out of juice with the pen and he put a paper towel in the pen and like cleaned out the sides to get all of like the extra oil and then he lit it on fire and inhaled the smoke from that jesus fucking christ liam yeah that was great we when we found out about that we were like what the fuck are you doing dude what's he what is he doing

these days oh he's good now he's that was like he got through it yeah that was like eight years ago pulled through okay yeah weed smokers definitely think that they're like the healthiest drug addicts oh yeah but there's crackhead behavior that goes on amongst that anything dabs related is that's that's a hard drug yeah that's a very hard yeah yeah you're like heating up the fucking just ron chef me up he had a one of these things that was gifted to him if is this too much no no go ahead you had the he had this amazing like concentrate device it was the coolest way of delivering that that i'd ever seen was it a nectar collector no i don't know that sounds like a hummingbird feeder you know what a nectar collector is right oh i think we've talked about it i think i like cackled at just the words nectar collect it just sounds you guys know what it is yeah it. It's a dab rig that you,

instead of heating up the nail and dropping the dabs in, the nail is on the bottom. It's like a big ass flute looking thing. And then you heat up the bottom and there's the dabs and you drop it into the dabs.

This was not that. This is more like a Sherlock Holmes type pipe. I've never done that. We had to read the instruction manual for this thing. yeah okay wait so what was this well he was he's been clean on the weed so i was like i said i want to smoke weed yeah because i've only got i only get it one day a week and it was my day okay and like it's visitation rights yeah that's all i get what's the one day well it's usually saturdays but if i don't do it Saturday, then I can have it Sunday.

Yeah. It's a special treat. It's a treat. And so he said, hey, you got to try this new thing I've got. And he chefed it up, and it was probably the single cleanest marijuana delivery system that I've ever experienced. It was really fun. It was like wax.

It looked like it was a lip balm container type of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there was like wax like a wax it looked like it was a lip balm container type yeah yeah and then there was like an electric knife that you put into it you scoop up with the electric knife and then slap it into this uh sherlock holmes pipe essentially and so it was dabs i don't know i i don't think it was a lip balm thing that's what dabs come in of oil I don't think it was. If it was a lip balm thing, that's what dabs come in of oil or wax. And you used an electric knife to scoop it up. I would say it was wax or concentrate, right? Yeah, that's dabs.

No. No, that's legitimately by definition what dabs are. We didn't have to blow torch anything. Yeah, you don't have to do that. That's just one method of smoking dabs. The little knife that we used to put it in there was something that would have done well with like a soft brie on a charcuterie board. A manchego. Yeah.

I know. I don't think it matters what knife you were using. You did dabs. A raclette. It wasn't a sharp knife. It wasn't. It was sort of a rounded, buttery knife. And then how do you smoke it?

It was like one of those pens that you would turn to see a naked lady. He's right. Was the knife red hot? We couldn't touch it. We was like one of those pens that you would turn to see a naked lady. He's right. Was the knife red hot? We couldn't touch it. We weren't sure. Dude, you did like crackhead dabs. That's like the really OG way of doing it. No, this thing had an instructional manual.

Just heating up a knife on a fucking electric stove and dropping the dabs on and then you use a straw. No, we probably did $400 worth of equipment. There's no way, no crackheads using that. It wasn't scrap metal that they're flipping. It doesn't matter how, so you did, did you get super high?

No, and I'm kind of been kidding with you, but I don't, I don't think it's dabs because I've been told that when you do dabs, it sends you to the moon, nukes you high.

And I was, I was high, but I was fine. Yeah, yeah. And I think there is a difference between like proper dabs and this stuff but you you know better than i do i did dabs i did dabs one time in uh san jose on a friday night at a battle rap event and i immediately had to go to bed i woke up the next morning and i couldn't find my wallet didn't find my wallet for the next three

days and i just chalked it up as a loss and drove down to Los Angeles. When I got to Los Angeles, I opened up my suitcase and my wallet was sitting there right on top of everything else. It threw me into a tizzy for three straight days. I thought that I had lost everything. Yeah, that shit sounds terrible. I had to leave.

Dabs like that, I literally had to leave the presence I was in just so I could look at myself from an inch away and I i mirror at the hampton inn that i was staying yeah this this was not that i don't think i don't think there's a lot of people who are still doing like real dabs i think that's kind of phased out no no no with the rig dude yeah the nail yeah i don't think there's a lot of people still doing that i think there are more than you'd think i think you're underestimating i i i think there's probably people who still do it i don't think there are more than you'd think i think you're underestimating i i i think there's probably people who still do it i don't think there's like casual weeds like when i was in high school it was like people would either like smoke a joint or like do a dab which are like the

two opposite sides of the spectrum there i don't i don't think that shit's happening because now the weed pen i don't think people are well i think it's so much more accessible like dabs were like a california thing for the dudes who were lifelong potheads that like it wasn't enough for them because all they did was smoke so many blunts every single day now weed is like in almost every major city yeah so legal that like pregnant women are doing yes yes if a pregnant woman did a dab that's how the baby comes out with like six legs or some shit yeah eyes on the side of its head like a fish yeah that's how you get autism is if your mom was doing dabs while you were in her belly a little extra a little fast autism very close to a bit that i currently have so i can't comment oh okay no only because i don't want to i don't want to i'm saving away yeah wait speaking of

bit thieves i went to the comedy cellar this weekend yeah how was it i you got in i got in the second day i'm so embarrassed that I couldn't help you more with that. Don't worry about it. I got in. I rode the line. But I saw Amy Schumer the second night. Oh, shit. Really?

She's stealing one of your bits, dude. Mine? Almost verbatim. What bit? I don't want to spoil the bit. Can you give the title of the bit? We can bleep it out. What is it?

The Foot Locker The Dick's Sporting Goods bit? The Dick's Sporting Goods bit Come on Really? Yes dude For real? There's no way

She is dude She must have seen you on the road Or something like that What is she saying? Your joke You know what that means right? That means you need to post it now That's like my best joke

It means you need to post it now Exactly's like my best joke you mean you need to post it now exactly and she was like trying it out she's like what else like looking at a receipt like they were everything was scribbled on the back hold up a clip what else exactly well there's no way amy schumer's ever seen me do stand-up i think you'd be surprised i think you'd be surprised by that i don't know i there are, you'd be surprised. Well, that would suck. Well, that's why you need to post it. I'm not posting that. Why not? It's my best bit. And it's like seven minutes long. We just kind of have

to put out a, and hers was seven minutes. We need to put out a fucking APB to Schumer. Leave Sass's joke out of this. No, there's no way that Amy Schumer has the same joke. Dude, I'm telling you. It's about dick sporting goods? Yes. There's no way that Amy Schumer has the same joke. It's about dick sporting goods?

Yes. There's no way. And she's talking about stuff like that. Really? Are you fucking with me? Did she use that word? Dude,

it blew my mind. I don't think he's fucking with you at all. I couldn't wait to tell you this because it blew my fucking mind so hard. Well, it's a testament to you that you wrote a joke

that is parallel thinking to probably the most successful woman comedian of our time. Well, whatever. I'm not really that worried about it. Why? I think you are. Why aren't you worried? I'm just not. Why? Because there's no way. I think you haven't seen the joke in a while. It goes

so many different directions now. No, I know every direction it goes. That's a leap of faith. No, I know every permutation, the tags. Because it's your most written joke like it's like the most classically written joke and it's like tag tag tag tag tag like all the different i mean i don't want to give it away but i've seen it and then she was doing all the same tags wait a minute no way she was giving all the same uh you would have told me this no no fucking way are you kidding you're kidding he's obviously joking you must be doing a bit of it yeah okay he's either doing it or she did steal there's no scenario where amy schumer would have

seen my joke and then done it word for word she is doing your tag there's no way dude where would i come up with this wow i think I think you were going to say something else and then I think you thought, oh, actually it'll be funnier to say that. She stole your joke. What was I going to say? That's the only joke. What else was I going to say? I don't know, dude. There's no way in hell that that happened. I was disappointed as you were. If that happened, you would have called me directly after it happened. I was disappointed as you were. She was a hero. If that happened, you would have called me

directly after it happened. I was like, let me save this for the show. No, you wouldn't have done that. That's exactly what I did. Let's smoke on it. Let's think about it. She had that tag?

Yes. Haven't you posted that somewhere? No. Uh-uh. It's his best shit.'s no way i was shocked too and she was just working it out she was like it was clearly like did it do well that's all i'd want for it she's getting the cadence wrong yeah well i need to talk to her when you hit those i mean it's honestly not even worst case scenario bang like if she posted that and then i posted to the clip of me and like doing

it fucking three years ago that's like that's my how my career i'm on joe rogan the next week that's how my career takes off so good for her steal all my jokes i wonder if more people wouldn't the key would be getting ahead of it and posting it. No, dude. You'd want it to be like when it's on fucking Netflix. And then I make like a 45-minute video breaking it down. People wouldn't necessarily be able to say that. You could lie and say I shot this two years ago. No, because I've got tape with like timestamps on it.

And I'd be like, dude, I don't know what you have in this shit. Here's my Dick's Sporting Goods receipt. Your fucking dash cam footage of your sets? How is it timestamped? From this, when the bookers send me it, it has the date and stuff on it

and the email. I feel like people would side with her on that, bro. You could shush that. They would say you had judged. No one would side with her. You could shush that. Shushing.

This would be, I hope she steals it now. She's literally a mother. What do you mean? I hope she already did, first of all. This would be huge for my career. At the cellar.

Huge for my career. She was the big drop-in. She dropped in like Tony Hawk, bro. This would be so big for me. I had such a bad set at the cellar. I almost texted you, Sass, and was like, I just did my last set at the cellar. I got so confused.

I went up, and there was someone in the back halfway through my set who like pulled their cell phone up oh and i thought i was getting the light and so i like i thought holy shit i'm way not as far as i thought I would be. Yeah, you're like, I still have to do my Dick's Sporting Goods bit. I did my best Dick's Sporting Goods bit. And then I went, all right, that's my time. Thanks, everybody. And then the host wasn't around because he knew that I had like seven more minutes. That's not your fault.

And then they raced to go get him, and he wasn't around, and he came running in but by that point i was like oh i i don't know where the host is i'll just keep going and he came bursting into the room and i was like no no i'm doing more time and he goes what the fuck yeah i don't i want to worry about and then by the way the you know liz was watching so it's all fucking a nightmare who is liz exactly she's like the under she's probably the gm she's the one she sits right by the door like and and watches the set she's usually no she's usually up in the olive tree but she's like the she's like when she when she comes down

to watch the set yeah she stands right in the door yeah she was there for schumer set and she was going she literally slapped her her knee at that I know exactly what you're talking about because I sat right by the door and she slapped her leg like that when she did it a literal knee slapper I couldn't believe it how much of a

nightmare would that be to just find out that people at the cellar are just passing around your bits they're just hang on they're sending one dude over to the stand every night to just record your set like the Connor Stallions.

He's got like binoculars fucking writing shit down. They're taking turns just running through your jokes. He's got the Ray-Ban glasses that film like one minute at a time. Just flipping them. Oh, man. So that was all made up? No. Dude, it has to be.

Oh, man. So that was all made up? No. Dude, it has to be. I love that we have at least another 25 to 40 minutes of the show where we can continue, or Roan can continue to mentally torment you over this. It's really not. I don't mean to do it mentally. It's not mentally tormenting me.

I'm mostly just trying to figure out what my next move is. Yeah, I don't mean to mentally torment you. I mean to be like, as a friend bringing you like news of war. Oh, man, that sucks. That's not the kind of... I didn't want to have to go against her. Powerful enemies are on high. Yeah.

They've sent arrows and slings at us. We must regroup and attack. What news from Verona? What news from fat black pussycat? It broke my fucking heart. It's sandwiched in between some very, like, personal believable stuff about pregnancy where it's like, you couldn't have said that.

So it's, like, so sandwiched into this, like, beautiful fucking hero of good bits. Seth, take a little look there. Yeah, I know. You did do it. I was looking at it before. It's a good, that's a sturdy ash. And we're not even there yet, pal.

No. I'm proud of you, Francis. That's a friend. That's what friends are for. Yeah. Looks like he's wearing a top hat made of Groot. Yeah, that is Groot looking. I went to Lucali as well.

Ooh. I spent so much time this weekend standing in lines. How was it? What's Lucali? It's the best pizza place in New York, they say. Oh, really? They gave it like a nine something. It's like the perfect pizza place.

It's so fucking cool. It's so good. You know what the perfect pizza place is? Papa John's. Perfect pizza. I had Papa John's last night. Papa John's is very good. The breadsticks, dude. Those Domino's.

Those are all... I mean, obviously, Pizza Hut, too. Marshall sponsors. Also great. Yeah. Dude, it's just... I mean, you can't beat Papa John's. Yeah, but this place has like wooden chairs

I don't give a shit Bro your beef is with Amy Schumer I don't give a fuck what kind of chairs they have there You're being very nasty It ain't Papa J's I don't give a fuck You walk into a There's plastic chairs at Papa J's Bro I'm not going

Do you think I was going to Papa John's? I thought that you were sitting there During Sunday night football I'm like you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna Uber going to Papa John's? I thought that you were sitting there. During Sunday night football. I'm like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to Uber over to Papa John's and sit down. I thought you were going to watch the 17-year-old stoner fucking roll out the pizza himself. No, no. At Lucali, they-

Did you see that video, that reel of the dude at Domino's or some shit, and he was making a pizza? It was like their boss making a pizza with a blindfold on. And in the background they're playing that song where it's like, and he's standing on the top of the – I forget what it is. He's like, but you're a natural. And he's sitting there and he's like – It's supernatural. It's definitely muscle memory for those guys.

When I worked at pizza places i definitely took pride in how fast i could flip those boxes oh yeah i was fucking quick with it oh i was slow as hell with that i could do the dough pretty well and then everything else i sucked at i remember one time they said i cut pizza like i didn't want a job i would like i took so much pride In flipping the boxes I'd be like drunk Going into other Like pizza place And be like Let me fold some boxes

Let me get back there Let me get back there And fold some Like I was like A super senior Or like I graduated And I was going back To the frat

Like I used to Fucking run this place I used to be the Fucking man around here Let me fold some Fucking boxes For old time's sake If you turn the corners At the same time, it cuts your speed in half.

I'm trying to think of the most menial job I ever had. Pizza was the only job that I ever actually kind of enjoyed. And then they fired me. So apparently they didn't enjoy me. I can't believe you got fired from a pizza place. Like, they don't do that. They fired me hardcore. I've told the story before when I called and they said,

you don't work here anymore. I said, hey, just calling to see if I'm on the schedule for this week. And they said, you don't work here anymore, buddy. You've been dead for years. Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay. I remember feeling so good about how I handled it because they were trying to get a reaction out of me. And I just said, all right, thanks.

Oh, what a surprise. You didn't feel anything. I thought that I had to go in though. A huge emotional swing from you. Well, they wanted to get a reaction out of me. Why? Because there was a lot of beef. They wanted to embarrass you? They wanted to embarrass me. Who's they? Like the

18-year-old manager? Yeah, you ever get a job somewhere and you can tell it's like a clique? They've all been working there forever. Are you talking about a bar stool? Yeah, you ever get a job somewhere and you can tell it's like a click? They've all been working there forever. Are you talking about a bar stool? Yeah, kind of, yeah. But when someone tries to squeeze out someone, they were trying to squeeze me out from day one, and I was just beating all the odds.

You got mean-girled? I got mean-girled out. You were beating the odds? Yeah. What were the odds? It was like 1v8, dude. Yeah? Yeah.

What did they have against you? Put yourself in their shoes. Because I wasn't on opioids. That's what they had against me. They were all drug addicts. This pussy would have been Every single one there. I've told the story before.

Sounds like this beef is alive and well. Oh, dude, I've said for years that when I get enough money, I'm going to buy the place and fill it up with sand. And just pay the rent. Just make it into a massive terrarium and have hermit crabs scuttling around in there. We're going to use this to keep roads safe from now on.

Dude, the last day I worked there before I got fired, I went in. The dude that was working the pizza shift with me showed up shit-faced out of his mind he was like just shotgun like four four locos before i got here you're gonna have to really step it up today and i was like okay and then uh the dude that was working the drive the driver he was high on opioids and he was nodding off in the basement and the new owner that we had comes in he's like yeah he's uh the drivers he's so fucking tired right now i think i'm gonna send him home he's exhausted and i was like yeah dude he's exhausted he's fucking nodding off right now how shitty of an employee did you have to be to be the one that got fired well everyone around

you was shotgunning for locos they pinned it all against me no that's not what that's such a dude i swear to god the kid that i was working with like halfway through the shift he goes dude you got to cover for me i have to go in the bathroom and throw up and then i was like all right and then and then he comes back and i'm with the owner the owner is like helping me with the pizzas and he comes back and tries to pin it on me he's like dude he comes up to me in front of the owner he goes dude you dude, you really got to speed it up because they're so behind on orders right now. And so he's trying to turn it against me to make himself seem like he's not doing anything wrong. That he's making you the lower man on the table.

Yeah, exactly. And then, of course, I'm too much of a pussy to be like, dude, you're fucking shit-faced right now. Your fingers are covered in your own bile because you just made yourself throw up in the bathroom. There has to be more to the story. I swear to God there's not more to the story. You were stone cold sober and they're like, we have to get rid of that guy. Well, what happened was I went to Chicago. I've told this story before. I went to Chicago. Damn, Sass. You just ashed on the ground. I know. Party foul. I went to Chicago to move my sister into college

and i called and i i called or i texted the kid that i worked with and i said hey are you with the manager is she working right now and he said yes and i go can you tell her that i cannot work friday and saturday this week can you cover for me and he goes yeah let me just run it by her and then he texts me back like 30 minutes later he He goes, she says you're all set. Don't worry about it. And I was like, all right, cool. But he never told her. He never told her. So then I called on Sunday and they were like, you skipped a shift.

And I was like, no, I didn't. He said that he confirmed it with you. And she goes, is he your manager? And I was like, no, I just assumed that people have like human decency here. I didn't know that he was setting. I didn't know he was was playing a prank on me. So you talked back? Yeah.

You did out him at that point? What? You outed that guy at that point? Yeah, obviously. You had to. Yeah, I was like, he said that I was good. And she was like, well, he's not your manager. And I was like, well, doesn't that feel like something

that you should be worried about, that that guy's just lying? Historically, you do have a little bit of confusion when it comes to knowing which person to tell that you will not show up here it's za yeah and he lives in chicago yeah a little he said i don't even know what that's referring to francis yes you do now when you skip those spots at the stand oh yeah yeah yeah but that't my, that was my fault actually completely. But that's just instinct to be like, no, that wasn't my fault.

I'm not trying to be passive aggressive. I'm just saying that is a thing to know. It's a helpful thing to know. Yeah, yeah. Which person to say, hey, I'm not coming. Yeah, that was my bad. I didn't text the right person. Yeah.

But at the pizza place, it wasn't your bad. I actually got a text this weekend on saturday from someone at the stand and they were like hey do you want to do a 9 15 spot and i was like oh i'm on the road and then they replied and said so you're not going to make your midnight spot and my heart like fell to the floor because that's what happened last time and i was like no fucking way and then i checked the schedule and i wasn't on and i was like i'm not on the midnight show was this a comic or a booker a booker or not a booker, a manager. And they were fucking with you?

No, they were like, oh, that's my bad. I thought you were on the midnight. And I was like, oh. So were they fucking with you on purpose? No, they weren't fucking with me. It was just an accident? Yeah. Just a common mistake.

Let me get that Zippo. I want to relight. Let me get that Zippo. I want to refuel. I want to get hard. I want to get a look at those titties is what I really want. Get hard, brother.

Check this out. Oh. Hey, that was pretty cool. Yeah. It was like a moment in the NBA dunk contest, though, where if you had achieved it

on the first attempt, it would have been a lot cooler. It's tough because I have sweatpants on. Yeah, I'll hold up like a 7.5 for that one. We just knew what you were trying to do and we didn't the first time all righty let's talk about game time game time game time is the exclusive ticketing partner of barstool sports it's a fast and easy way to buy tickets for all sports, music, comedy, and theater events near you.

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That's code sun50 at factormeals.com slash sun50 to get 50% off. Back to the show. Do you remember the NBA dunk contest when Birdman it took him maybe like 25 attempts to do the dunk from half court yeah oh that sucks it's so embarrassing I've never seen that that's gotta be so embarrassing he had to run so far

back every time he would always have to sprint all the way back to half court re-throw himself this crazy alley oop and there was no incentive for him to just like not do the same one. You are making a fucking mess of our beautiful new studio. He had crazy drug addiction. Yeah.

Right? And he didn't get fired from the NBA. He just got more tattoos. Maybe they just fire the guys who don't do the drugs while the fucking druggies get to live their fucking sweet little perfect lives. Well, that's because everyone's doing drugs. So if you're surrounded by people who are doing drugs then you're like well none of them they're gonna fire all of us did you see this clip from taylor lejuan on spit and chiclets where he talked

about the flight home from an nfl game in london where they were just smoking blunts on the plane yes and this flight attendant came over and was like you can't do that and the guy was like oh sorry and he put it out and then three minutes later he was like fuck that guy and now and the flight attendant just watched them was like there's nothing more i can do yeah but i haven't heard that but i feel like i've heard a similar story where someone was like how much is the fine if i get if i smoke weed on this plane right now and they told him the fine he was like all right then i'm smoking weed on the plane. Because it was like, he's like, those guys are all

fucking millionaires. Can you imagine being on an airplane and someone lighting up a blunt? It was a public flight? I don't know. I'm sure it was a chartered plane.

Yeah, yeah. Still, everybody's smoking that blunt. If one person's smoking it on the airplane, everybody's smoking that. Yeah. It's also crazy.

Yeah, especially when there's like air filters and shit that's like spreading the air everywhere. It's amazing to think, right, amazing to think that for the entire first chapter of air travel, smoking was not only allowed, but the most commonly, it was the place where everyone did smoke. Yeah, my mom used to have to go on the smoking section with my grandfather. She used to have to sit on a plane in the smoking section.

That's crazy it's so wild that there's a smoking section as if they could at all like imagine you're one row behind the smoking section you're like oh well i'm not in the smoking section it shouldn't affect me yeah yeah yeah it's smoke dude it just lingers yeah it fills whatever air that it just mixes in with the rest of the air around it yeah you know i've, I've come to, without even realizing it, think that the reason smoking is prohibited on airplanes is because it would fucking cause the plane to crash. Yeah. Not the case at all. No.

It's just gross. You might even argue that planes are better equipped to handle smoke filtration than casinos. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Yeah. I'm so glad you agree with me. I thought you were going to do your thing that you typically do. No, I would actually say that's probably dead on because of all of like the air

filters and shit they have in planes torpedo this is the first time you've agreed with him like that yeah now you must this schumer shit must really be your mind is somewhere else you don't even have the time to come back at francis you're so perturbed by this and the crazy thing is i've actually defended schumer before i know not for joke stealing, but just for when people are like, she's the worst comedian of all time. I don't like when people say that the most famous comedians in the world are the worst comedians of all time. It's like, well, have you ever been to an open mic?

Because I promise you there's worse comedians. There's much worse comedians than Amy Schumer. Yeah. Yeah, that's an insane take. She's very good. Yeah, and people got so on Carlos Mencia when he was, you know, Rogan made that thing about him stealing jokes. And I remember years later I was at some club talking to a manager,

and I was like, Mencia had been there the weekend before. Yeah. And I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm playing the same clubs that Carlos Mencia is? That's not a good look for him. And I the manager i was like how did carlos mencia do and he goes dude he comes like once a year we have to add shows he sells everything out he's the hardest killer that we have on our entire roster yeah i mean it's probably not that hard to kill when you're just doing a compilation of all the favorite all your favorite bits i mean it's all like now that's what I call music

of everybody's best shit this year I think it's all like Latin humor though yeah I don't really know much about Carlos Garcia yeah yeah yeah interesting I mean there's no way he's back to stealing but that kind of shit just

I wouldn't be surprised really wouldn't people just continue to catch him wouldn't his face be plastered all over the walls like do you got fucking he got a lot of heat and then i think people realized it it was like it coincided with him getting mind of mencia on comedy central and his like big growth and rise he had some specials i think i truly don't know anything about him, aside for the... Well, it was Ari. It was Ari's bit that he took.

I think it was Ari and Bobby Lee, too, right? Might have been, yeah. But Bobby Lee, like, opened for him for a while. He would... I used to watch Mind of Mencia. That's how, like, in high school, I'd, like, stay home on a Friday night and watch Mind of Mencia.

Really? It was on Comedy Central? Yeah, and all he did was make fun of mentally challenged people. It was like famous. His tagline was da-da-da. That's awesome.

That's what I mean. Sounds like my kind of style. I feel like that's your right of your alley. I'm going to have to start stealing Carlos Arribitz from Carlos Mencia. You ever been to

Dick's Sporting Goods? Ay Dios Mio. The guy working there was kind of Oh man. It was. He would run that He'd run back every fucking episode. That's so funny. I wish I had like a tag

like a punt, like a catchphrase. Yeah. Did you watch Do it. did you watch crashing pete holmes no no i just so i watched the first season we so my cousins were in town we didn't get into the uh cellar on friday night after i fucking stood in line for like an hour trying to get him in uh and i was like we'll just put on crashing it's like basically like you'll you'll figure out how uh how it all works so we watched the first season of crashing over that night and then the next day holy smokes are they like comedy nerds not that

long it's half hour episodes yeah uh they really like comedy but but they live in uh alabama so they don't get to see uh oh they should come see me in huntsville. But my aunt said, so my, like, he owns a wiener stand. My cousin's boyfriend. Yeah, yeah. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he owns a wiener stand. I know, I know.

I knew that already. I know where this is going. I don't. I genuinely don't. It's the most arbitrary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My aunt. Sorry, I got smoke in my eye while you were saying that.

My aunt wanted, when you were in town, they were like, you should go to this show and they should get Lil Sass to come to the wiener stand. Oh, okay. I would have done that. No, you wouldn't have. No, absolutely not. My point to them was he didn't even go to the Denver Nuggets game when the Denver Nuggets had the fucking owner's seat. Sass isn't coming to fucking shit, dude.

If the wiener stand was inside of his hotel room, maybe he'd go to it. I still wouldn't. Yeah. Just awkwardly not making eye contact with the wiener stand. That's just. It's, dude. I don't know what it is about going on the road, but it's like you don't want to do anything.

I used to be like that. I changed. I try to do road, but it's like you don't want to do anything. I used to be like that. I changed. I try to do stuff, but it's just like even this weekend, like we weren't even in Pittsburgh. We're in Homestead, Pennsylvania, which is like 25 minutes from Pittsburgh. Sure. And. Do you have a rental? No.

I feel like that would have been a great weekend to have a rental, though. That affects how much you could do. Yeah. Yeah. If I if I was going. But it's like so we just hung around the fucking strip mall the whole weekend. Ugh. We went to Pittsburgh like once for like dinner or something with Nick and one of his buddies.

And we went to a barcade. Those are fun. I love barcades. I beat the... What is the game with the rockets? The Galica? Centipede? Galica?

Gattica? Gattica. Galaxy Quest? No. What is it? what's it called galactica yeah that sounds right yeah i beat the high score of the the current high score holder that's pretty impressive actually the actual high score i was nine million shy but it did feel awesome and then i entered my initial entered my initials in and it went away before I could take a picture. Yeah, they probably reset that every day. No. And it's free, too.

Isn't that so cool? You don't have to use coins. You just go in and it's free. I love the barcade. Yeah, it was really fun. They make their money on booze. That's perfect for you, Sass. I went to a museum on Saturday.

What kind? And I don't say that often. Science? Art. The Whitney Museum. And I saw a black artist. Oh shit, that's sick. Very interesting. Very rare. Henry Taylor. That's a good find.

I mean, it was as good as it gets. I've noticed, excuse me, you work here, right? Everybody in all of these paintings is black i've never seen a uh would the artist happen to be black as well or just a huge fan wait i'm confused was the artist there at the museum no oh okay that would be hilarious just lingering by the paintings being like what do you think of that one in disguise what do you think that one kind of dog shit huh i actually don't like that i actually don't mind that one i think it's good yeah me too i was gonna say well you're looking at him am i on a fucking show now i

just do this on saturdays that was really good it was it was really cool uh it it did did he does portraits you know my problem is i go see a fucking museum thing like that the artist is still alive and my question is always well how much can i buy one of these for because i don't know art but i want some art so much money they were like good luck what is it a million dollars i don't fucking know insanity i saw an artist on instagram who made like paintings, and I clicked on their website to be like, oh, I'm going to buy one of these. Fucking like $10,000. I was like, are you kidding me, dude?

Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad? Well, that guy's not in the Whitney Museum. Let's just put it that way. Well, obviously, the guy in the museum is probably what, like $10 million? Yeah, who knows? Exactly. Dude.

There's no range these artists need to fucking relax some do they need to get a fucking side job at a pizza place like the rest of us yeah exactly they shouldn't be expecting to make a living off of their art okay i mean dude making a living verse making i mean that's like generational wealth from one painting yeah drake should be only fucking like you shouldn't be making that much money. What do you think in your, when you think of the term generational wealth, what is the number, the value that you would, comes to your mind? If you're selling a painting for $10 million, assuming you have multiple paintings that are all going for the same amount of money. But you just said one painting. $10 million is a lot of money.

Do you think $10 million from one painting is generational wealth? Yes. For how many generations? One. So one below? If I had $10 million, I think my grandkids would be doing okay. Let's say you sold a painting

for $10 million. That was the only painting you sold. You got to pay 40% tax on that. So you have $6 million. And you're 22 years old. Fuck off. That's not generational wealth. No, I hate that. That annoyed me. Well, that's why I said, what's the number? Yeah, but I didn't count.

Obviously, I wasn't factoring in taxes. I was thinking about just the number $10 million. If I had $10 million in my bank account. You're painting in Monaco. If I had $10 million in my bank account, I think that my grandchildren would be doing well. You'd have to be very responsible where you put that money depends on how many kids you have too you'd have to have a very say i had 10 million dollars in my bank account i had one child and then he or she had one child maybe yeah they're not gonna i tell you what they're not gonna be fucking like struggling for money well once you pass it down

to your kid and they fucking squander the money going to fucking Fred again concerts and fucking seeing Tiesto and Tulum, then the money goes away really fast. I mean, what is your guy's number? Sorry, because I forgot you guys probably both already have $10 million in your bank account.

Sure don't. Sure don't. I think when I think of generational wealth, I think it's like 50 is the number that comes to mind. Where you're saying like my grandkids, if they wanted, would not necessarily have to work. $10 million is a millionaire next door.

You can't walk down the streets of New York without tripping over a $10 millionaire. You know, some $10 millionaires don't even fly first class. They're sitting next to you in steerage. I flew first class this weekend got upgraded twice pittsburgh right that's nice pretty you probably were at like 13 000 feet the whole time it's actually a surprisingly longer flight than you'd expect they didn't depressurize the cabin no they did funny but they did well they didn't when i flew private up to Providence this weekend. Damn, Sass just turned his fangs on you. You got Francis'd?

It's the Schumer shit. It's the Amy Schumer stuff. The Schumer shit's getting to me. Sass, look at this. I've got another cone that is... I know. I feel like I don't have enough trust in my ash. You just got to give it time.

Well, you have all the trust in the world with your ash. I'm quite good with my mouth. You also have made a crime scene out of this. I know. Massive ash. Massive ash. You're gonna have to fucking... How are you gonna clean the carpet? Stomp it in?

Uh, yeah. Spread it around. You ever, like, drop ice when you're, like, getting ice out of your refrigerator and you just kick it under the fridge? Yeah, absolutely. I saw an online trend of people peeing

on the toilet seat and then cleaning it off with their sock. That's disgusting. Why? Why is that a trend? Why would that have happened? That's what all the young bucks

are doing these days. Yeah, it's a trend. Some people just leave it though. Some of the nicest restaurants, you go into a fucking nice-ass space, and there is piss all over the toilet seat. How is that possible? I leave it at my apartment if it's the middle of the night,

and I pick up the piss. I'm not fucking wiping that shit off. I wipe it off in the morning. Can someone explain to me the loose pubes on toilet seats? Who's shedding? Yeah, I don't understand that. Are those ass hairs? My pubes are, like like nailed into my body.

You basically, your pubes are what men who go to Turkey to get hair transplants. Yeah, that's what they want. That's what they're asking for. The pores have been sewn in and replanted. You have a fresh turf job on your pubis. That's literally what it's like. Yeah. Because there's people who can rip off a pube. I don't understand it. It's literally what it's like. Yeah. Because I, like, there's people who,

like, can, like, rip off a pube. I don't understand it. Like, it's like a loose tooth. Why?

And not only that, but if I stood up. You leave a pube under your pillow. Yeah. Like, my pubes, it's like, if one coming off,

there's, going to be blood. Like, it hurts so much. The pube fairy comes, and fucking leaves a dollar for a pube. How many, how many dollars do you think you could get? a pube how many how many dollars you think you could get

one pube is worth a thousand dollars you sew them into a voodoo doll why why would you stand up from taking a shit and see that you had a giant black hair from your ass remaining on the toilet seat and say, I'm leaving that for the next person to floss. Ew, Francis. Sick brain. Why? How do you not want that? Why wouldn't you get rid of that? I don't understand that mindset.

There used to be people used to rub their boogers on the. I remember that. On the urinal sides at school. They did it here. They'd walk in and there'd be bouggers on the door and there was a perpetrator it was me at both of those places now i would never do that that's nasty yeah right you definitely would do it absolutely that's fucking gross well you're just lighting the ash and just making it a fucking what's

going on you gotta clean that up clean it up and then I'm gonna get flamed freshen up there let's keep this you know gentlemanly

I'm getting down to roach uh roach territory here as am I roach motel fuck you've been

yeah it's beautiful ash you that's just a testament to your fitness how strong your lungs are every time you puff into it a quarter inch of that shape disappears yeah what the fuck i'm a chugger i'm a volume guy i saw that we had one more cigar and i figured well he used first yeah you can you can light up the arturo fuentes no i don't want to that's you're saving that no not really at large took the last, so you might as well smoke it before Large steals it back.

I can't. This is my problem. I love cigars, and so I try not to ever smoke them because I know that when I do... You're going to want to smoke more. I'm going to want multiple cigars. Yeah. Me and Mook smoked cigars after we finished Zany's Chicago, and we thought... It was one of those things that was like, oh, this will be fun.

There was a cigar store next to the downtown Zany's Chicago sure so we went in we got cigars and uh he was fucking freezing outside and so windy and we both just smoked like two hits and then we're like dude let's go home this sucks anytime you break out cigars among a group of buddies you're like ugh. Yeah, yeah. Someone's like smoked two hits and then they just leave a foot of beautiful cigar. Well, I mean this is like we've been sitting here for a long time. That's what's nice about cigars. You need like an Adirondack chair

and you're sitting around the fire and it's like a nice night. Yeah, like you can't be doing this shit while it's cold outside. Or at least you need a blanket on your lap or some shit. You know where we could have a cigar is when we are waist deep in the Taconic River in two weekends, Sass. Yeah. Because we're going to be playing at Albany at the, what is it?

The Funny Bone. The Funny Bone. And during the day we'll be in the Hudson Valley fly fishing. And I had to purchase fly fishing equipment. What did you have to get? I have extra stuff. You do? Yeah.

Well, I'm glad because I just lied and I did not actually buy it. Oh, okay. I don't have extra waders. I have an extra rod, though. I'll buy some waders. I could use a rod. Yeah. And I'm also going to need some tips because I'm not great.

Yeah, that sucks. Well, fuck you. I give it like five minutes before you're better than Sass at it. I think I already am. Some people have it as an innate ability. I think so. I promise you you're not better than me. We'll see who catches the fish first. I've been practicing my shadow casting.

I call it shadow casting. Sounds like some 8chan shit. I call it shadow casting. And I realize that throwing a line just low enough to the water, causing a rainbow to rise. In the time that Sass had not left his apartment. He had become an artist.

He had become an artist. Realize you guys are hitting a reference? Sorry, bro. Fuck. We just quote... That's River Runs Through, and we quote it pretty much every episode at this point. I'm going to go fly fishing in Denver, too.

Are we? I might ski. Yeah. That's,'s by the way so that we there what yeah bro you could definitely tag along i don't get it do you want to go fly fishing in denver oh oh i thought you meant to denver oh i'm gonna go fly fishing from the billing no No, no, no. I'm going in Denver. I'm going to go with my buddy Bo. That's fine. You go. I'll go ski.

No, that's when I'm supposed to ski. Well, you said we like it was going to be you and Francis doing it. You didn't mention that your buddy Bo. That was the joke was when he said, oh, we are? And I said, no. Well, he said he's going to go skiing. He said I might ski. The cigars got me feeling a little loopy.

I could tell. He's got you ornery too. said he's going to go skiing. He said I might ski. The cigars got me feeling a little loopy. I could tell. He's got you ornery, too. Where are you going to go skiing, Francis? Oh, I was looking at it. What's it called? I have the Epic Pass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a couple mountains.

There's one that's like only an hour and ten minutes away. It's not bad. Are you going to rent a car? Yeah. That would be nice. Yeah. I'm trying to get out to iceland but they got a fucking live volcano right next to the blue yeah yeah you don't want to go to the blue

lagoon regardless well i think he's right about that i hear it's a tourist trap and it's not that sick dude it's expensive dude i have generational wealth what are you talking about i think it's a tourist trap and it's like, it's expensive for beers. There's like only certain, you can only go for like an hour. Expensive? Why do you keep on saying expensive?

Because it is. It's like 125 bucks a person. I don't think that's the problem when you go to Iceland. You're ready to spend money. Yeah, I'm going to spend money. But I do think I think you're better off

just going to find a hot spring. I think there's better hot springs. More natural, less visited, fewer people peeing. But isn't that the best hotel in all of Iceland? The one that's right there? I don't know.

I didn't really stay in nice hotels. We stayed in like, what's it called? Hostels. Yurts? Yeah. Yeah, that's not how I'm trying to live. No. The hostels were nice.

The hostels are like just hotel rooms. But didn't you say that you got so sick of them that you decided to buy a hotel? No, that was we got so sick of camping. Oh, I see. That I decided to buy everyone a hotel rooms. But didn't you say that you got so sick of them that you decided to buy a hotel? No, that was we got so sick of camping Oh, I see. that I decided to buy everyone a hotel room. Must be nice.

That's generational wealth. Yeah, generational wealth. Now, that actually set me back a lot of money buying a hotel room for two other people every night. Because isn't everything

super expensive there? It's so expensive. $80 for a Dunkin' Donuts run? It's so expensive. I couldn't believe they had Dunkin' Donuts, though. Do they? Yeah.

You got to drink some gulls while you're out there. So good. Gulls are good. Gulls are good. a Dunkin' Donuts run. It's so expensive. I couldn't believe they had Dunkin' Donuts though. Do they? Yeah. You got to drink some gulls while you're out there. So good. Gulls are good. Gulls are good. Go to, what is it? Something Market.

Oh yeah, that sounds great. Something Market is the name of the restaurant and you can buy, you can eat horse. I heard they have reindeer up there too.

I'm not sure I'd be seeking that out. The horse meat was really good. I heard that they have reindeer that you can get. I don't know what's the difference between a reindeer and just a venison. Well, they'll sing you a song. You got a little red nose. Nah.

Fuck face is that? Nah. Is this James Cagney? You're going to film noir? What's going on here? Well, yeah, we can end it, I guess. No, no, no. Not quite.

You've got a long way to go. What's our time looking like? We've got to be going for like two hours right now. Not even. Hour nine? What the hell? What? I thought we were going for at least an hour and a half.

No, not even close. Are we going to finish these? these is that the plan i'm pretty much there he's there brother you got a lot of work to do i can barely hold it anymore i'm holding it like a joint we'll get you a clip you might have to you ever inhale a cigar and it just fucking feels like it's just squeezing your lungs that's no fun yes i knew that would happen i told you i ran it by everybody i ran it by everybody i knew it was only a matter of time i knew it was going to be i knew it was going to be live event lisa that came in and complained oh man i told i kind of forgot we were even in the office for a hot minute just come get your I knew it was going to be live event Lisa that came in and complained. Oh, man. I kind of forgot we were even in the office for a hot minute.

Just come do a little complaining. What the hell was that? Okay, am I on now? Yeah, now you're on. Now you're good. So, son of a boy, Dad, this is a beautiful, beautiful studio. Talk right into that mic. This is a beautiful studio that my team created for you guys.

Do you like it? Yes. It's very nice. It's really nice. Sounds like you're fishing for compliments before you say something really disgusting to us. We're going fishing next weekend. I'm just buttering you guys up for when I tell you how fucking disgusting smoking cigars is. We ran it by

MB and Brian Fitzsimmons. They said it was fine. They said smoke that bitch out. Want one? We got one more. Literally, the entire office smells. Are people complaining? Yes. Who? Everyone's opening the windows. I won't reveal names. I want names.

Yeah. Is anyone like freaking out? Everyone is freaking out. Are they going to tell Erica? Does that matter at this point? Damn, Lisa, that's so fucked up. Are they going to tell Dave? Like, probably not.

Okay, so we're good. Yeah, we're fine. And even if they told Dave, I don't think he would be that mad. This is great content. So gross, I have a headache right now. But you always have a headache. You also shouldn't have come in here This is ground zero

You thought where's that coming from Is that what it's called? Yeah we're low key hotboxing I was worried that the smoke alarms were going to go off When I was in college I used to know How to make a Bong out of an apple Holy shit

So you have a problem. No, that was like 20 years ago. So imagine what you know how to do now. I don't know how to do anything now. Now you can make a bomb out of an apple. Yeah. I don't know about that. So who's complaining?

Tell us who's complaining. Do they know us? Do they know who we are? Do we know them? They told me it was son of a boy dad. Right. And so that was kind of like a blessing. Yeah.

So I was going to come in here and yell at you guys. We'll just let them know you gave us an earful, even though you've been so kind. So kind. I'm so good. Also, we ran it by MB and Brian Fitzsimmons. They're like, light it up. So then it's fine. Smoke them if you got them.

Well, they were right next door. So who should we run? What's the what's the order of operations here at Barstool now? Who should we run shit by? Dave. He's the boss. Dave here at Barstool now? Who should we run shit by? Dave. He's the boss. Dave is in Miami. What the fuck?

Did you guys hear Barstool Radio is canceled? Is that right? No, she's pranking you. I'm not. You didn't see Dave's email. Oh, no. I've been smoking cigars in here. Breaking news.

Breaking, what is it? Breaking moves? What's that? Francis runs Barstool Radio. I'm one of the people on that? Breaking moves? Francis runs Barstool Radio. I'm one of the people on that show. Yeah, no more Barstool Radio. Looks like we... Oh, how do you make those rings?

I hope we're not recording right now, are we? No, we're recording. Oh, we're 100% recording. Okay, so Barstool Radio's cancelled. We're in trouble about the cigars. We're not in trouble. Is it because of the cigars that he cancelled Barstool Radio? smell oh yeah well you you kind of made that decision you decided in the room yeah when you wore a sweater this morning you're like i run the risk of carrying smoke oh i don't know anyway all right well here is my first time on a podcast here i'll put it out for you no for you

no no the good times end because the fun police come in. I'll tell you what, this would never happen in Chicago. Damn. How do you know when to stop smoking? Whenever someone comes in and yells at us. When you feel like you're going to projectile vomit. Let me ask you this. What are you talking about on Son of a Boy Dad?

Our Jewish faith. No, that would be me. We can't be Jewish too? Okay. I didn't realize you're the gatekeeper of Judaism. I'm not, but I'm looking for a nice Jewish guy if you know him. I'm Jewish. This demographic is a little young.

He's Jewish. All the Jews I know are fighting for the cause right now. They are. Yeah. That is true. All right. We'll end the episode then. All right. It's Jewish. All the Jews I know are fighting for the cause right now. They are. Yeah. That is true. All right. Well, end the episode then. All right.

It's been a great episode. Thank you so much, Lisa, for ending our awesome time that we were having. Barstool Radio canceled. Did you really not know? No, I've been in here. I don't know why. I think it would be because we didn't really address the drama from last week. And I would imagine that's what he would have wanted us to do.

All right. Hey, we had a good run smoking cigars. We had a good run with Barstool Radio. All right. Thank you guys for listening. This has been Son of a Boy. I'm going to be in Houston, Texas this weekend. LilSassQuad2Website.com.

Please come see me. Francis? Oh, I mean Francis is going to be in Denver the weekend after that. DenverSassSquatchWebsite.com. Please come see me. Francis? Oh, I mean Francis is going to be in Denver the weekend after that. Denver. Come see us. All right, goodbye. Thank you. We got to go out the back door.

It probably does fucking reek out there.