Son of a Boy Dad - Ghostbusters | Son of a Boy Dad #292

Episode Date: April 15, 2025

Ghostbusters | Son of a Boy Dad #292 -- Francis and Harry split the atom -- #Ad: Download the Gametime app today and use code BOYDAD for $20 off your first purchase -- #Ad: Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster at https://RocketMoney.com/boy -- #Ad: Son of a Boy Dad is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/SON today to get 10% off your first month. -- #Ad: Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (MI/NJ/PA/WV). Help is available for problem gambling. Call [phone] or visit ccpg.org (CT). 21+. Physically present in CT/MI/NJ/PA/WV only. Void in ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. 1 per new customer. Opt-in req. Min. net loss of $5 on eligible games to earn 100% of net losses back (“Lossback”) for 24 hours following opt-in. Max. $1,000 issued in Casino Credits for select games that are non-withdrawable and expire in 7 days (168 hours). Terms: casino.draftkings.com/promos. Ends 4/27/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, son of a boy, dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Yep. See how this goes. problem gambling call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. 21 and over physically present in Connecticut, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia only. Void in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. New customers only. Lost back for 24 hours up to 1000 and non-withdrawable casino credits that expire in 168 hours. Terms at casino.draftkings.com slash promos. That'd be interesting. Why? I think this is gonna be fine. Yeah. Yeah, we parked our city bikes at exactly the same time.

That's pretty much the only thing we talk about. We parked our city bikes at exactly the same time, the same dock. I had to help him get his up and over. No, you didn't. Yes, I do. You had to show me how to do it. I did it myself, though. That's helping.

Helping makes it sound like you were like, your arms were under mine. You were like, I don't know what to do. I can't park my bike. And I said, you lift it up and over and then you figured it out. That's me helping you. No?

It was a little bit of help. You're right. I would not have done that. I would not have gotten my bike in that dock if you didn't show up. There you go. Yeah. So I helped him put his bike away and then physically though. I was able to do it by myself

You were it wasn't like the bike was too heavy. It was touching. It was close though. It was close In my head the entire time I was like he's gonna have to help me lift this up I was watching I was watching carefully It's not the easiest thing now. It's weird, but you just have to keep going Also, my bike was a dud again Not fast slow as all hell legs were gassed But there's nothing better when you hit that first kick and only takes off Yeah, every time I every time I do that I say to myself in my own head I go in an Australian accent for whatever reason I go. I've got a flyer I've got a flyer

I've got a flyer. I've got a flyer. Every time I get on one, I can tell how fast, if it's a dud or not, if it feels like my hat is gonna fly off. And when my hat, that one, my hat didn't even budge. Mm-hmm. Because I was going the same pace as people walking. That sucks. I would have bailed. Yeah, but it's only like a 10 minute ride. Yeah, come on.

Alright. Well, let's leave all that in. Uh, I guess I'll clap too. Alrighty, welcome back to the Son of a Boy Dad podcast. Today it is April 14th. It is 3 20 p.m. We are here live from HQ3 with a missing Roan. Where could he be?

Where could Roan be? Well, Roan had his kids. We can say that now, right? That's out and about now? Well, his wife posted it on Instagram. Good. Yeah. Congratulations to Roan.

Congratulations to Roan, of course. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty big. It's pretty huge. Who do you think between the two of us is going to meet the children first? You, for sure. You live way closer.

You live right near them. Also, I'm more, I have better sort of hygiene. Roan told me I have to wear a mask if I come visit. And gloves. Yeah. Yeah. Full scrubs. Whereas they want my germs to pass to the children

to help them build up that. Because yours are healthy germs. Yeah, just, you know, superior germs. Superior. Mine are the kind of germs that like, if I get within them, it's dangerous. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Ron said I could meet them post-vax. I don't know if they're getting vaxed or not. I guess we probably shouldn't talk about Ron's kids too much. I don't know. I feel like kids are one of those things where it's like you don't really know where the line is. So you're kind of just like, maybe let's just not talk about it.

I think that Ron is totally aware and fine with it, but the question would be whether you want to continue to dig a deeper hole with his wife. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're currently just, I mean. I commented on. All you can see right now is the dirt flying out of the hole. His head is beneath the rim.

I commented on her Instagram and I went back to check a few hours later to make sure it said liked by author and it did. Oh. And I was like thank God. Would you say lose the baby weight as fast as you can? No, I said hell yes, okay. That was my response Hell yes, everyone was throwing out the congrats. Yeah, I was gonna say can we this is now a family podcast

Yeah, so I would prefer if we could actually kind of clean up the language a little bit I'm a bad mm-hmm, but everyone was throwing out congrats, and I wanted to make it a little bit more Hell yeah Let's fucking go. Oh, easy. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you comment? I messaged them, called them, sent them some flowers and, you know, bought both children some treasury bonds, which we'll appreciate for their college fund. That's huge. I bought them Tesla pre dip or pre pre jump. As soon as I as soon as Trump put the tariffs on,

I bought everything for Rone's kids. Gotcha. I bought them each a Tesla, the automobile. OK. And those will stay on the assembly line until they're ready to drive them. That's great. That's good. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, I mean, dude, my mom called me and was like, what's Rone's address?

And I was like, what? And she was like, I wanna send him a gift. I was like, you've never even met him. Jeez, and then I asked Rone for the address and he didn't reply. Hands are full. Well, I get that. I mean, again, he just doesn't really want you coming over.

He doesn't want, no, he doesn't want me involved in those kids' life at all. No, no, I can see that. At all. Yep, that get that. Again, he just doesn't really want you coming over. He doesn't want, no, he doesn't want me involved in those kids' life at all. No, no, I can see that. At all. Yep, that makes sense. Doesn't even want a gift from my mother. Well, you're weird around people. Babies?

I think all people. I don't think I'm weird around people at all, especially babies. You holding a baby would be, it's just, it's so, I gotta imagine that would be very uncomfortable for you. No, I don't think so. You're not a very tender guy. I've held babies before.

You're not very tender. I held my, my little sisters are younger than me to the point that I held them when they were babies. Well, I could see that, right? I could see you as a young boy before you had developed this brittle exterior that, ooh, anything sentimental. Get it away, get it away.

Feelings, no. No, I love babies, like I love dogs, cats, you know? I just, in my experience with you, when we dig deeper into feelings, you tend to kind of get a little uncomfortable. I don't know, what do you think is gonna happen if I hold Ron's babies? Like I'm gonna be like dead in a way.

I think you're gonna start looking at upcoming hotel reservations and wonder whether or not the rooms are big enough. That's your go-to. Completely false and actually defamation. Yeah. Is that a callback to you getting divorced? That's exactly right.

Yeah, that story still, you had told me about it months prior. I know, but I don't know that that necessarily means. It absolutely does. When you're relating it to our next closest friend. Me and you had already had like 15. You get to just sit out and be on the sidelines. No, no, no, no, no.

Quietly chiming in, God damn, the bathroom doesn't even have its own door. I actually do think, I think I was, I was like, me and you had already had like 15 personal sit down conversations about your divorce. No, that's not right. Yeah, because it was, we did it at the stand and then we went to Virginia together.

We talked about it the whole time. And I was the only one that knew on that trip. So you had, you could only tell me. Wait, when did we go to Virginia? When we went to the fishing trip in Sydney. I was the only one that knew. And who was on their phone then? I don't think I told anyone down there though.

Exactly, except me. Yeah, but we didn't talk about it. All we did was talk about it. Is that right? Oh, that's all we talked about. Anytime there was a sliver of free time, you'd look at me and you'd be like, my life is over. Like the camera crew would walk away for like a quarter of a second. You look at me like I'm fucked. Harry, my life is falling apart actively. Every bite you take is another step closer to the door for me.

And I just had to be like, yeah, it's tough, man. Yeah, hairball is the, not exactly the guy you want for emotional support. If you were an emotional support animal, you'd be like a cat that just goes and sits by the window. I think the problem is my reaction to everything, like bad news is the same as it would be like to like Rory missing the putt on the 18th hole. I'm just like no really

I don't know. I'm not even gonna give you that credit And I don't know or that is more feeling that you had when I told you I'm not include not true at all My jaw was to the floor when you told me no, that's not yes. It was no was I remember distinctly I remember going I remember you distinctly you saying oh No, that sucks. How's the crowd? We were at the stand. You don't even remember.

You were at the stand when you told me. What, were we? Yes, we were sitting at the table and you just dropped it on me out of nowhere like a fucking sledgehammer. All right, well let's move on. Yeah. Ron at his kids were very happy for him. Yeah.

Wish him the best. He's gonna be back probably within the next couple of weeks or so. Mm-hmm. And yeah, for now it's just gonna be me and Francis. We'll hold it down. Here's something. I'm very happy that, sorry,

I'm very happy that this is here. I was really under the impression. For some reason last night I was thinking about it and I was like, I wonder if that's gone. Hmm. I've been accused of breathing too loudly of the impression. For some reason last night I was thinking about it and I was like, I wonder if that's gone. I've been accused of breathing too loudly into the microphone and I don't know how to stop doing that. Do you have any suggestions? No, because you're not breathing too heavily

into the microphone. Okay. Yeah. I do hear it sometimes and I apologize. I guess I don't use the cans, so I don't know, but I never notice it at all. Got it. You don't use the cans, so I don't know, but I never notice it at all. Got it. You don't use the can?

Cans, headphones. That's what we call them in the industry. That's another word for headphones? Yeah, throw on the cans. Why? You've never heard anyone say that? Never, never once. Am I wrong here?

No, we say that all the time. Why are they called cans? Because they look like cans. Is it sort of a throwback to 1960s suburban America when children would hold a can with a string to the treehouse? I think that's exactly what it is in reference to. Communicate along the string? Technically, this would be a can too, though.

A microphone? Yeah. Because that's how it works. You talk into the microphone and someone else listens through the... Or you talk into the can and someone else listens through a can. It you talking to the cans? I'm gonna listen through a can. It's all cans all podcasting is is cans Are the cans on? It's really it's like the oldest form of entertainment Boy this is gonna be a mess

This is it for the next three weeks. I Boy, this is gonna be a mess. This is it for the next three weeks. I got something for you. Okay. My hotel room, I was given a handicapped hotel. Really? Hotel room, yeah. What is that, you got like a bed,

you got like a chair in the shower? That's it. And I'll tell you something. You sat down? The handicapped? They got it pretty good. You sat down in the shower? They're living large.

I did sit down in the shower, but I felt this strange deference to handicapped people. We're gonna have to use less big words if Ron's not here. I wanted to honor their struggle. Yeah. So I wore my underpants in the shower. Oh, that's freakish. Why did you do that?

To preserve the layer of handicapped seat for them. That to me, sitting naked on the handicapped seat for them. That to me, sitting naked on the handicapped seat in the handicapped shower would be like parking in a handicapped spot. I see. So I thought I should wear like a leg condom. You were worried about the germs from the handicap. No, I really thought I don't deserve this entirely.

So you went boxers. Yeah. Did you throw them away after? No, I had worked out in them. Or did you travel home with a soaking wet pair of underwear? I had worked out in them so they were already sweaty. Got it. And I just kept them on, showered, washed them by showering.

Smart. And then hung them up to dry. You wash under your underpants? Yeah, I reached down. Your ass and your cock? Yep. That's good. I'm still very thrown off

by the wearing the underwear in the shower. Like I kind of get what you're saying, but in a million years, I would never do that. Okay, so here's another thing. You throw a bathing suit on too? No, but in high school, I remember when we were freshmen on the basketball team, we had to shower afterwards and all the kids brought bathing suits.

KB had a story when he went to wrestling camp about he would shower with a bathing suit on and the camp counselors would be like, no bathing suits. They'd be like, you got to shower. And then we found out that the camp counselors would be like no bathing suits they'd be like you got a shower and then we found out that the camp counselors were younger than him what he was like 16 and they were like 15 and we were like you had a bunch of 15 year olds being like pull out your fucking cock he got he would get like yelled at and they'd be like take off the bathing suit isn't that insane you know what's insane is you referring to it as cock.

Why? That is the only time I've ever used that word or heard it is in sex. You gotta use it more often because it's always gonna get a bigger laugh. Yeah, except that it is the hot version of it. That's why it's funny. No, you're crossing worlds on me there.

Exactly. I think Dick is comfortable. Penis is funny. Penis. Penis used to be funny, it's not anymore. Are you sure? Positive. Well, Norm said cock a lot.

Really? And that is what made it funny from him. But I don't know. I like to preserve cock. If a girl says, you're cock, to me, I think, ooh, she's bad. You know? Yeah, but I don't know. I think cock is funny.

Cock is funny, but from a guy to a guy and you keep referring to my dick as my cock. You don't like that. It just I don't know man. It's a little jarring to me. Alright, I'll fall back on the cock when it comes relating to you specifically. That's fine. Yeah, if you you wanna talk about other guys and their- I'll talk, yeah, I'm still gonna use the word cock, but I just won't use it for you. Yeah. Far be it for me. For you it'll be penis.

That's fine. Yeah. That's fine. I'm glad we could meet halfway there. Whatever you want, other than cock. Other than cock, that's all you gotta say is just, hey, when you're referring to my package, don't say cock.

Right. You say penis or dick? That's right. All right. I'm fine with that. Look, it's good that we set up these boundaries, you know? It's gonna be just us for the next couple weeks. It's good, we should know.

We should have done this a long time ago. Set up boundaries? Figured out each other's language and rhythms. I guess we never had the chance because Ron was always here. Ron was always here hogging the mic. Yeah, just swinging the ball from one, swinging it, swinging it around the point. So yeah, so I had the handicapped bathroom.

Yeah. And it's a much more spacious bathroom. It's huge. Really? The bathroom's huge. Two rooms, pretty much. No, what do you mean? It's pretty much like you got another separate room. Yes.

How big are we talking? Well, let's put it this way, big enough to have at least two wheelchairs in there. Really? Yeah. Wheeling, passing each other like this along the kind of sink. Sliding door or open close? I can't remember. This was my hotel in Chicago.

Oh, I thought you were talking about Providence. When I did the... Mini golf. The mini golf. How was that? Was it fun? Super fun. Very disappointing. Is he lost? Yeah. Yeah. We were we were pretty much we had a bid to win it. And it was just one of those it was cash. The prize was cash. Yeah. They've just dumped $60,000 cash on the table, and that's like a $9,000 bonus after taxes. Plus he divvied up his share. $60,000?

Oh, he's gotta split it. He's gotta split it, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of 12 people, $5,000 each. Then he took his share and divvied it up, so it was like $5,500, $3,400, something like that. Yeah, that would have been nice. That's so many visits from my cleaning lady. Yeah.

What do you use cash for? Since you don't let people come clean your apartment. Like tipping. Tipping who? Staff at clubs. Yeah. Like genuinely, that's probably the only thing I really use cash for.

Word of advice, if I were you, I would take cash out each weekend to do that because- But I just keep the cash on me. Yeah, but then you can write that cash withdrawal off as a business expense. Oh, I see. I see. You know, when I say things like this and it's new information to you, I wonder what your business manager is doing I Mean we're talking like 20 bucks a year Shit dude, that's not very much. I

Think they deserve more than that Staff of comedy clubs. Well, it depends. I mean, I'm not I'm not like I'm not my weekends aren't bringing in like The amount of money that yours are. Quite literally you make more money than I do. That's so untrue. We've been over this a thousand times. So not true. Well, point is, I thought you were gonna say by the way

that in the green room you don't ask for drinks the way that I do. Oh yeah, also I don't get anything. You get Red Bulls. No I don't. No? No. I think I get Red Bulls. No I don't. No? No. Think I drink Red Bull before going on stage?

I can fucking be in the fetal position 10 minutes into the set. You get Honeykin Zeros? I'll get a Honeykin Zero here and there. Outta guy. Yeah, actually I know, it's not sure I get them every single set. There you go.

I don't go up with that one. You're having a beer, I'm having a beer. I don't know what it is, it's some weird mental thing where like I have to have one on stage. Like I need what I'm drinking to a beer. I don't know what it is. It's some weird mental thing where like, I have to have one on stage. Like I need what I'm drinking to be beer. I don't drink on stage anymore. Well, at least this weekend, I didn't bring anything on stage with me to drink.

I think it's because when I started, I was drinking on stage. And then when I stopped drinking, I would go up with like a water and then I would take a sip of the water and I'd be like, no, that didn't do it for me at all. I would be like, I'm not actually thirsty. I'm just looking to like, catch my breath for a second here.

Right, right. So I need that nice refreshing Heineken Zero. That's nice. The problem is I tell them, I tell them to bring it like right before I'm going up. Cause you want it cold? I want it cold. Cause if those things get warm, they're just poison.

Most of the green rooms have- They're fucking so disgusting. Most of the green rooms have- They're fucking so disgusting. Most of the green rooms have a refrigerator in them though. Yeah, I guess. But the problem is they bring them back with the cap off, so then they're getting flat. They do? Oh, all the time.

I guess that makes sense. What if you asked for a bucket of them? The problem is I don't need a bucket. I need one per show. But here's what we could do. You ask for a bucket of Heineken Zeros. They're not gonna take the caps off all of those, right? You'd be surprised.

No, they won't. You'd be surprised. No one would ever do that. They don't expect you to drink six Heineken Zeros so quickly as to have them remain fizzy through the whole thing. I think they weirdly do. I think they expect you to drink them at the pace

you would drink a regular beer. All six? Yes. No way. You'd be surprised. I'm telling you. I'd be very surprised if they brought you a bucket of Heineken Zeroes with all of the caps off.

We'll see. Point is- Next time I do a full week, I'm going to Edmonton in a couple of weeks. You get your- When I go to Edmonton, or I guess that's next week. You get your bucket and they don't take the caps off. You drink one of them and then they take the five back. And there you go, you've solved it.

True, true. I guess I could also just say leave the cap on. That's another answer. Pretty easy work around there. I have another interesting story for you. Got it, fire away. So, yesterday, I was gifted a massage. Oh. Which I've never, I'm not a big massage guy. Okay. And it was a massage in my home. Oh. A prostitute. Sounds

like you hired a hooker. I didn't hire this person. This was a gift. So this person just showed up. Yes. You didn't know? I knew someone would be coming over to my apartment at a certain time. And uh... You didn't know what for? No.

What? Who gifted you this? I won't say. Like a friend? Yeah. But you did in, so they just said someone's coming over to your apartment at this time. Yep. Be home, be home at this time, I have a present for you.

What was your reaction when you found out that it was a massage? Well, it was either gonna be that or a chef or something. I don't know. I knew what, you know, it was gonna be be that or a chef or something. I don't know. I knew it was gonna be something nice. I didn't think someone was coming over to subpoena me. That would be funny. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You've been served. Yeah. Yeah. Knocked up. A process server. Which by the way, in- Pineapple Express.

Pineapple Express, he wears the disguises. I don't know that that's real. Yeah, I don't think it is. It's very funny. It's hilarious. But all you need in order to serve someone, right, is for them to say their name. I don't know.

I don't know anything about it. For a process server? I've never been served. Cause they try to get you to say, Hey, are you so and so? Yeah. And then you say, yeah. And then you say you've been served.

What a funny job that is. It is good. It's quite good. I mean the way, how much do those guys make? I don't know. I might have to switch careers and just do that. It sounds so much better. So easy.

Just drive around all day. You've been served. And then onto the next. It's just like delivering bad mail all day. You're just like an evil mail driver. You're just an evil mailman. There was a guy at my show, one of the shows, and I said, is anyone here in a union? And he said he is. And I said, what do you do? And he goes, I'm a letter carrier. And I go, do you mean a postman? And he goes, yeah. And I said, what a fancy way to describe postman.

Sounds like he's in fucking Harry Potter. Yeah, it sounds like you're, you know. Was he from in the United States? That sounds like what people in England would call him. Currying correspondences hither and thither between lovers and children. Yeah, it was very funny, it was very funny. But I got to hear a little bit about the post office.

I said, why did you decide, I said, was your father in the postal service? He said, no. I said, well, what made you want to do this? And he goes, the benefits. Apparently it's unbelievable. In terms of the benefits. Yeah, same with UPS.

Apparently the UPS benefits are insane. He said very good dental. There's a pension after 30 years. You know, you think about it, it's probably not a bad gig. I mean, you get to be outside. The biggest problem is. Rain, snow.

Dogs. Dogs. Yeah, that probably depends on where you live. Dogs. What do you mean? People have bad dogs everywhere. Yeah, but like if you live, if you're like, I'm thinking of a mailman in New York.

Like my man. Yeah, sure. So as you just put it in through the mail slot, that's fine. Yeah. But if you're having to go up to someone's box on a yard, right? Dogs, you see videos on Ring cameras all the time. Dogs, German Shepherds racing around from the back.

Oh yeah, those guys get fucked up. Guy has to jump on top of a car. Yeah. You ever see that video? No, but it's had, I've watched it happen in person with my dog. You ever see the video of, hang, I wanna hear about that,

of the guy who's running away from the dog and a woman sitting in her car in a driveway and he jumps on top of her car. No, I haven't seen that. And she's fine with it. Yeah. And then the fine with it. Yeah. And then the dog goes away, gets called away or something, and you hear him go, I'm sorry.

And she goes, no, no, I totally understand. Makes you feel good. I like that video. That's great. Yeah, my dog is my dog's attacked multiple male men. Yeah. So you're the problem. Well, the problem is our dog is just uh, is just not good with strangers.

So now he just doesn't meet strangers. He's old. So like pretty much what happened was he attacked my, he just attacked a couple of people, not in a while. It's been years. And then he attacked the Amazon guy bad, like got him, I think. I think he might've nibbled him a little bit. And, uh, I used to do a bit about it on stage because my him, I think. I think he might've nibbled him a little bit. And I used to do a bit about it on stage

because my mom, I remember my mom was chasing my dog and the Amazon guy was just standing in the driveway. My mom was chasing him and she was just yelling, he's not friendly. And I was pretty much the joke. Well, there was a bit, there was more to the joke, but I was like, that's not, he's not friendly, doesn't really cut it

for like this dog is about to attack you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's not friendly makes it be like, oh, just like he's not, like just don't. Don't be, don't mind the fact that he's not shaking your hand.

Yeah, yeah. He's not friendly is not like this guy, this dog's about to. He's quite reserved. Yeah. Yeah, he's a little. His jaw is about to wrap around your calf. He's an introvert. Yeah. It takes a while, but once you get to know him, he's a little... His jaw is about to wrap around your calf. He's an introvert.

It takes a while, but once you get to know him, he'll open up to you. Yeah, so pretty much... Talk to him about Legos. Find common ground. You know? Pretty much. The Amazon guy didn't really care, but we were pretty sure that they were like that like Jeff Bezos was gonna call us and be like, you gotta put your dog down. Because it was... It's not a good situation.

But then we were just like, well, he's just never gonna be out when there's people coming over anymore. But how do you, you don't always know when the- We got like the electric collar now. So that what? Like the electric fence. Oh, you got the fence?

Yeah, he can't get out. Of the house? He can't get out, yeah. Of the yard, into the driveway. the fence. Yeah, he can't get out. Of the house? He can't get out, yeah. Of the yard, into the driveway. I see. Yeah. And where does the Amazon people drop it? The driveway. They drop it in the driveway?

Yes. Not under... We had to add a mailbox, like a box that said drop packages here because of my dog. Jesus. Yeah. That's a bad dog. What kind of dog?

He's like a mix of like a bunch of shit, golden retriever. Was a rescue? Yeah. That's a bad dog. What kind of dog? He's like a mix of like a bunch of shit, golden retriever. Was a rescue? Yeah. You know, I- It's only men too. That's, you're not the first person to say that to me. Yeah. And he thinks like he comes back wagging his tail.

Like he's like, I just protected the house. I was hanging out with my buddy Graham and his girlfriend in Rhode Island. Yeah. And- This was this weekend? Yep. Yeah.

And they have a dog, and they immediately said, he's so bad. Yeah. So bad. Yeah, yeah. I like that. I like when people are honest about their dogs. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And they said that he only attacks men. He's a problem around men. But if one of my sisters has one of their friends over, it's completely fine. What about sort of an androgynous woman? Can your dog tell? Oh, it would be, D, it's the voice.

It's the voice? For the most part. Like if someone has a deep voice. It can't smell vaginal secretions. I don't know about that. I haven't, we haven't really did. Or pre-cum oozing. We haven't really.

Out of what? No, that's you. I'm going to say cock. Don't say it. I did. I said, I'm only not, I'm only not saying cock in reference to your penis. I'm going to still say cock. You're just taking something I love and ruining it.

You're stepping on it. I'm sorry, I can't change the way I speak. All right. But yeah, and bad dog, we almost had to send him away to like a camp. Yeah. We almost had to send him to like a camp to like fix him. Yeah.

Well, that's what people who own bad dogs always say. They always say we're gonna send them to bootcamp and they never do. We didn't. They never fucking do. We had it like all set up and then we were just like, now we're not gonna do this. You just sit on a landmine.

Yeah. But it's got to a point where we're like, we'll just, he's just not gonna meet strangers. And it's worked. You know, he's out and about the entire day. If people come over, goes in his crate, and he likes his crate. You know when people are gonna,

you were able to coordinate that sort of, we'll get him inside now, because people are about to be here. Yeah, 100%. There's, just think you're opening yourself up, man. I'm telling you, it's probably been five years since he's last bit someone. That's when the Amazon one happened?

Yeah, it was a while ago. Oh, I thought you said it was not, it didn't happen for a while and then it happened recently. No, no, the Amazon one was a while ago. It was when the Amazon one happened, there was multiple that occurred within that timeframe. Sure. He's bit all three of my friends, Bo, Matt and Nate.

But they were like little nibbles. And that was kind of when we were like, is this a problem? He bit all three of your friends? On separate occasions. When I was in high school. That's nuts. Yeah, not bad. Not like no one was like bleeding or anything.

Do you think that in order for me to kind of be part of the crew the way that I want to be, You'd have to get, yeah, absolutely. I need to get bitten? Absolutely. How much time do we have? For my dog? Yeah.

No idea. How much time does your dog have left? I would say anywhere between a week and three years. Okay. All right, I can live with that. I mean, didn't I tell you guys a couple weeks ago that I thought he was getting put down? Yeah, and he didn't.

They sent him home. You're like, now he's fine. But he's not. He's like, he's old as fuck. Is there a part of you that wants him to go? No, not at all. Are you fucking nuts? Why would I want him to go?

Because you haven't said a nice thing about him since we started. No, I love him. Oh, that's the first time you said that. Yeah, no, I wouldn't. He's my screensaver on my phone on both things Let me see Right there. Oh Wow. Yeah, I like the one in the back. Yeah, that's my sister's who's that? That's Tuka

I like Tuka named after Tuka Rask. Oh, yeah, the Boston Bruins the goalie with the strong political views Yeah, great goalie. What about the what about the bad one? What's his name stitch? Okay? Yeah, cuz because when he gets a hold of you You got to get stitches. Yeah, we changed his name late in his life Really make him sound a little more tough now From when we got our dogs their name their names were L and Stitch. And we kept them. Gotcha. Yeah. Well, this guy came over to give me a massage and- Oh, it was a dude?

This- You're just mentioning this now? A man showed up? I was in the middle of telling a story. Somehow we got sidetracked into a 45 minute thing. Your exact words were, we can pull it up, you said, I wanna hear about that. Battle dog.

You said, I wanna hear about about that fucking guard dog that protects whatever you guys are hiding yeah so the so the man showed up shirtless yes no shirtless at the door he shows up up this dude first of all he thought he was going to be massaging the person who booked it for me, who is a woman. And saw me and said, where is she? And I said, oh, she got that for me as a present. What a let down for that guy. I'll add, this dude was a six foot five black guy

with dreads down to his waist and strong. I'm sure. And deep voice, probably the straightest man I've ever seen in my life. What was the attire when he pulled up? I don't know, like jeans and a t-shirt. Okay. He certainly wasn't in scrubs or any sort of,

I do massages for a living. This is nuts what happens here, by the way. The way that this goes down. So, immediately I think, oh no, this isn't some, there's no feminine energy between us at all. There's nothing feminine at all about the situation. You should have sent him home. Just lie.

Be like, yeah, the massage was great. Dude, you can get the fuck out. I don't want you here. You don't want to do this. Get the fuck out of here. Well, well, yeah. I mean, I don't know. It was a gift.

It had been paid for. I didn't want to turn down that nice thing. Yeah. So he says, my apartment's small. There's only one place where he can set up his massage table, which is in the living room. And I had to move my coffee table in order to do that. And so he and I had to lift my coffee table,

and we set it down in the kitchen. And then he goes, I'm gonna go into the bathroom and you do what you gotta do. That's what he said. Which means get hard. Not yet. Start warming up.

Not yet. So now, now I stripped down. Wait no, genuinely what is do what you gotta do? What do you have to do? Get into your underwear. Oh, get naked. But no, not naked. Undies on, of course.

Well that was, I wasn't sure about that because I've had massages before where they tell you to get naked and get under the sheet. Yeah, yeah. And then they go. So I had to specify underwear on, right? And he goes, what? Oh, this is brutal.

And I go underwear on, right? And he goes, yeah. Yeah. Oh no. And by the way, he asked me for two sheets. I had to provide the sheets from my own bedding to, you know, to cover his table. And he also needed two pillows. So he's coming in unprepared.

What did he bring? Just the hands? Just the hands? Apparently that's all I show up with right here, the tools. No, and the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But apparently this is normal. I've never had an in-home massage before.

Yeah, of course. Again, I'm not a huge massage guy. I've probably only had five or six in my life, which maybe that's a lot, I don't know. I think that's a decent amount. But I don't think it's like, that's not like you're not a massage guy. No, when I go on vacation, growing up,

massages like mini bars at hotels were impressed upon me as being a astronomically expensive thing. So far out of the question, I always wondered what they would be like. I don't think I had my first massage until I was 24. Really? Yeah. I just turned 24, maybe it's time.

You've never had one? Never. Not a single massage? Never. Okay. I've thrown like one of those like heat pads on my back. One of them. You and I both know that that's not. My mom has one that has like the rollers on the back. So it massages your back while heating it. That's nice.

Yeah. Well, okay. She bought it off of like the TikTok shop. It's one of those things that you're like, this thing is going to break at any second. Yeah, right. Yeah. Of course. Very flimsy.

Well, so he goes into the bathroom while I change. Got it. But I just, now I've put the sheets on the thing. The master's is on and I'm super keyed in. Rory's on the set. He's just doubled the first hole. Okay. So this is early, this is like around two, three. Maybe it was an hour in, but you know.

Wait, this is yesterday? Yeah. So you just got back from the road. Mm-hmm. Got it. Yeah, I walked in the door, had. Wait, this is yesterday? Yeah. So you just got back from the road. Got it. Yeah, I walked in the door, had an hour, watched the masters and then he showed up. Yeah, what was his name?

Marquise. Marquise. Oh man. I'm not making any of this up. I know, I know. I believe you, it's just, it couldn't have been a more black name. So.

Oh, this is, I am, internally I am howling, laughing at this scenario. I had a feeling. So I'm with Marquise and now I'm getting changed and I, he's gone into the bathroom, presumably to give me the privacy to get into my underwear and get under the sheet. Got it. He tells me to get under the sheet, but I get under the sheet and then I hear him peeing. Oh, strong peeing. And he's peeing.

It's as if you could imagine that he's peeing so hard that all the water in the toilet bowl has gone to the side and he's power washing the bottom of the bowl. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. He's peed through the water. Yeah.

And it's all just like, blah, blah, blah, out to the sides. It's a I mean? Yeah. He's peed through the water and it's all just like, ah, out to the sides. It's a dad piss. Yeah. Yeah. So then he comes out and he goes, I'm under the sheet, right? So he comes out, you're already under the sheet. Yeah, he told me to do that.

Okay. Okay. So I'm under the sheet and I'm on my, I have my face down in the donut hole thing. And I've put my phone. So do you see him coming? Well I hear him come out. Or is all the audience? This is insane.

I hear him come out. This is crazy. Yeah, but I've also got my phone. I put my phone with the master streaming on the floor directly beneath my face hole so that I can watch it on low volume. Yeah. So, I'm now all set, I'm good,

I'm gonna watch the Masters. And he goes, all right, I've got three different creams you can choose from. I've got- And he said cream, those were his words. Maybe not cream. Lotions. Massage.

Oils. Gels or something. Yeah. He goes, the first one, I've got a mild, I've got a medium hot. Hot. And I've got a basic massage gel. And I said, what does hot mean and he goes you know like I see hot

or tiger balm and he goes but I left and this is all while your face is in the hole mm-hmm got it but I but he go I go he goes I left my the the hot one at home and the way that he had presented the basic massage gel made it clear to me that he did not want to use that. He said it as an afterthought. Cause it's a mess. Well that, or he just believes in the efficacy of the other two better.

Cause those were by the same brand and then the massage gel was its own thing. And so I thought, I go, how hot is the hot one? And he goes, it's not so bad. It's not as bad as the hot, the extra hot. He goes, it's just the medium. Yeah. So I go, okay, let's try the medium. I have very sensitive skin. Yeah. Right. Of course. So he starts going, first of all, he's the strongest man who's ever touched me. I mean, you know, immediately, and not only that,

but now we're talking now about how he's worked with one of his clients played for the Knicks in the 1970s. And now we're talking about the NBA. And I am trying to stratify the situation where as much as possible. We're talking about Jalen Brunson, and I tell him my team is the Celtics, and he says, boy, I'm much more worried about them

than I am about any other team in the East, far more than the Cavs. And I said, yeah, but the Cavs are gonna win 65 games this year. And I'm just dropping as much NBA knowledge as fast as I can out of the gate to let him know, in no way do I expect you to tell me to turn over and finish me.

Yeah, yeah. Right? I'm just establishing that I get the parameters here. The way that I told you, you sang cock. Yeah, it makes me comfortable. It was a very similar thing. Yeah, of course. Right.

So we're just talking NBA, I'm watching the Masters, it's pretty good, it hurts. The hot? First, his thumb. Yeah. His thumb has the strength of my arm. Yeah. Right?

He has as much strength in his thumb, because he's doing my neck. I told him specifically that my neck hurts a lot, I have a lot of tension, because I'm always lifting, and I think I clench my neck hurts a lot. I have a lot of tension. Cause I'm always lifting and I think I clench my jaw while I lift. So I ended up just carrying a lot of strain on my neck. And he is rubbing my neck.

It feels like he's got, you know, like some kind of a business end of a pool cue, full weight leaning into my neck. and it's just his thumb. And finally I go, I start laughing, but it's a painful laugh and I'm like, I need you to take that back 10%. And he goes, what? And I said, can you bring it back 10%?

And he goes, okay, okay. And then the heat kicks in. And at first it came on slowly, very slowly. As I see hot will. It sort of starts to seep through the layers of my skin until it gets, and it's kind of fine over my back, but when he started to get into sort of my armpit area, because he did like this,

the skin on my armpit has no exposure. Yeah, it's very sensitive. It's probably the most sensitive skin. Yeah. My armpits- Next to the cock, of course. What's that? I said next to the cock. Don't do it.

I don't want to hear it again, okay? Ron's children are listening. Through the cans. You're not going to use this hot shit when you jerk me off, right? Imagine if you said that. You better not use this hot shit right in your face. I want you to wash your hands first.

My armpits start to feel like they're on fire. Yeah. It felt like someone was holding a lighter under my armpits. You ever use anti-perspirant deodorant? Yeah. Does that fuck up your armpits?

I haven't used it in a long time But it didn't when I when I did when I use that it made my armpits bleed. I One day I went to shower after using them and I and I went like that and there it looked like someone took a razor Blade to my armpits. Yeah, I can't use it. I have like a terrible reaction to it. Is that an allergic? I don't know if it's a lot. I think it's like a lot of people are sensitive to it. They have aluminum in them. Yeah. That's what most people don't like. Shit sliced and diced my armpits.

Never used it again. Yeah. Well, so now I'm in, now I have the pain from his pressure combined with the pain of the burning skin. And it's really bad. I mean, it's really, really uncomfortable. So now you're just in pain. I mean, I'm not enjoying it at all.

There's no part of me that wants this to continue. Yeah How long did these typically last it was a 90 minute? What? 90 minutes When we started I think Rory was on the second hole by the time he finished. He was on 14. That is fucked Yeah, I thought it was nothing you're gonna say like 25 minutes max No It was a long long time That is fucked. Yeah, I thought it was nothing you were to say like 25 minutes max No It was a long long time Son of a boy dad is sponsored by better help

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at one point he did tell me to turn over right and I turned over and he put a folded pillowcase over my eyes and I said Do you mind if I the most homophobic massage that's ever taken place? I go do you mind if I... This is the most homophobic massage that's ever taken place. I go, do you mind if I watch the Masters on my phone? And he goes, that kind of defeats the purpose.

So I said, okay. And I just couldn't watch the Masters with five holes to go. So did you miss the ending? No, I just paused it and then did not look at my phone and watched the rest on my TV from that moment without having any idea of what had happened, fortunately. But I was so dialed in to what was going on.

I had bet on Rory. It's kind of tough. I know. But this guy- For you, that's like, that's like the Super Bowl for you. Yes, correct. So we're, you know, we're now I'm facing him and he's doing my front, my chest, now my nipples are burning. Everything's burning my whole body. And at one point, I sort of peeked out from under the thing and I could see that my skin was turning red.

Yeah. Really, really red. And I just let him keep going. And I just- For the full 90. Yeah, because I had this vision that, I don't know what it was, I just felt like I couldn't say anything. You don't think you could just be like, all right, that's good.

I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I don't think he really, do you think they care? Like if you were like, if you were like, I'm good, I'll pay you in full. This dude took it very seriously. And for what it's worth, in spite of how very seriously. And for what it's worth, in spite of how difficult and painful the cream thing was, he was so strong and so on point with where he was massaging and what he was doing that I actually think he's going to have a good career in this. And I say that because after he was leaving and putting his coat on. This is insane. He admitted that I was his second client ever.

Oh no. And I go, what about that Knicks guy? And he goes, oh, I personally train him. I didn't massage him. And I go, I thought you said that you used the cream on him. And he goes, no, he's the one who suggested the cream to me. So anyway. So he's just getting his start. Apparently. How did the person that buys this for you find him? He asked me at one point if there was a gym in my building. Because he wanted to get a pump in?

No, I said, I said, there is. And he goes, do you mind if I take a look around after this? And I said, well, it's a lifetime. I mean, it's connected to the building. Oh, and he goes, oh, I can't, yeah, I can't go in there. And he goes, I do personal training as well. So I was trying to see if I could find some clients. So he's fully just hustling.

It definitely, he said that at the very beginning and the fact that when someone starts admitting that they do like nine other jobs, it definitely wears away your confidence in the fact that they're about to do this thing. Wait, so he told you that he was, he only had, is this his second time ever doing it? Massaging. But he told you, he asked if he could look around the gym before? that he was he only had is this his second time ever doing it massaging mm-hmm and

but he told you he asked if he could look around the gym before at the beginning yeah that's a red flag right off the bat were you like why no I just said that I said the thing about the life time yeah and then he said I'm not allowed in lifetime he he thought it would be like an independent yeah gym to the building. They already have trainers at lifetime. And they exactly. Yeah.

Oh, he said he had tried to apply there for a job and they didn't want him. And he goes, but that's okay. Their loss or something. Interesting. Yeah. Where did the person that bought this for you find him? On a website called Big Toe. Yeah. Where did the person that bought this for you find him?

On a website called Big Toe. And he's one of the top guys over at Big Toe? Apparently. Now here's the other thing. Ready? Yeah. When he finished up, I finally looked around. The cream is orange. Okay, so that's why you were red.

My sheets. Destroyed. Never. Yeah. I can never use them again. Yeah. I washed them on high hot water, blasted them, they came out.

Looks like somebody ejaculated creamsicle all over my fucking sheets. That is fucking crazy. And those are my nice sheets because I only have two sets of sheets. So what is your overall mood? Like what's your overall takeaway from this? Positive experience, negative experience?

I think that my thought would be, you know, weirdly, I felt, once I showered, by the way, I took a shower and rubbed all the stuff off, you couldn't see it on my skin, but then on the water around the drain, there was this orange foam that looked like I was washing nuclear waste off of my body. That was pretty disconcerting.

So once I got all that, it still took a while for my body to kind of cool down. And I had resigned myself to the fact that my body was gonna be covered in burn marks forever. So he leaves, you're still in pain. That's crazy, like how much pain are we talking? Dude, imagine, it truly felt as if, imagine someone, imagine you had a sunburn

all over your body. Yeah. And then someone rubbed like chilies all over the sunburn. So like extreme pain. Yeah, dude. So like when he's leaving, you're like, ah, thanks. Like you're holding back like. Oh, I tipped him.

But you're holding back like tears in the back of your head. Like I am in so much pain right now. In the shower, as I was scrubbing it off, I was using a washcloth because I felt like I needed to get it off my skin as fast as possible. But it had the combined effect of kind of exfoliating, which was also painful.

So in the shower, I was doing everything I could, but I couldn't stop myself from going, oh God. So yeah, you're screaming in the shower. I was making, oh, I was making sounds like that. And because I had heard how loudly he peed, I knew he could hear me, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was in the house still when you were showering?

Folding up his table and putting his coat on. And then you get out of the shower, he's still there? Yeah. This is crazy. How long was he there for, three hours? A while. Damn. A long time. So would you do it again?

I think that my answer to that would be I would buy shitty sheets. I would not let him use that cream. But, and then I would really research what's going on in the NBA. Yeah. Yeah, of course. And then I would do it again with Marquis, yeah.

Because again, the way that he left me feeling once the pain from the cream subsided was better than any massage I've ever had. So like right now you feel good, you feel loose. That's good. Yeah. But do you think that's because, you think that's because of the massage?

Or do you think it's because you were in so much pain that now you're still just experiencing the relief? It's hard to know. The relief of the pain being over. Yeah, it's hard to know. That's not a bad strategy for a massage. Just like hurt the person for an hour and a half. And then after when they leave, then you're like,

man, I finally feel normal again. And you're like, man, maybe that massage actually did help. Yeah, that's what happened. Cause you forgot how good it feels to not be in pain. So your Sunday was pretty much, you were just in pain for three hours straight. Yeah, but again, that evening I felt amazing.

Interesting. And then I turned on the masters and watched Rory barely win. I'm, you know what? I missed the entire thing. I missed that whole thing. Dude, it was unbelievable. I was on stage the entire time. Justin Rose making his putt on 18

Was one of the craziest things I've ever seen. I didn't even watch Justin Rose. I just went back and watched Rory's highlights Rory Rory. I mean my god the like that drive on 18 is so narrow to the eye and is so narrow to the eye. And you know that if you're right, he's blocked off because in 2019 when Tiger won, he had to lay up. Yeah. And then there's the bunker on the left

and Ludwig Oberg had just fumbled the 18th hole to the tune of a triple bogey because he dumped it in the bunker, couldn't get out. Yeah. So there's chaos happening everywhere. And I want Rory to win so badly. What odds did you get him at? Plus 650.

Yeah. How much you put on it? 50 bucks. Damn. So I won 375. That's huge. Yeah. That's a good win.

And you got him at plus 650 from- Before the performance started. That's good. Yeah. Good. But yeah, he, you know, he hits an unbelievable drive on 18 and you're like, he's going to do it. Yeah. All he needs to do is just put this ball on the green. And then he puts it on the green. Perfect. No, no. He dumps it in the bunker on the right. Oh, okay. Shades of Greg Norman, who blasted his five iron

into the crowd on the right. It wasn't that bad. who blasted his five iron into the crowd on the right. It wasn't that bad. Yeah. He dumps it in the bunker on the right and you think, oh God, is that live plugged? You see that it's fine. And you think, okay, well, he'll get up and down. Yeah.

But at this point, you just, you can't even breathe. And so what is he going for at this point to win? It's par? If he pars the hole, he will win the Masters. Okay. Because he's up a stroke. Yeah. And then obviously he doesn't par the hole. Well,. If he pars the hole, he will win the Masters. Cause he's up a stroke. Yeah, and then obviously he doesn't par the hole. Well, he gets it onto the green,

but he leaves about five feet. Justin Rose has just made a 30 foot birdie putt to put himself at 11 under, but Rory's 12 under. So he makes par, he wins. And he's got five feet left. You can't even breathe. You cannot even breathe watching this. He hits his putt, slides five feet left, you can't even breathe. You cannot even breathe watching this. He hits his putt, it slides to the left,

misses the hole, puts it in, and you think, here we go, another Rory choke. It's gonna happen again, and this is the closest he's ever been, because he also had an eagle putt on 15, I think, that he missed, so he made birdie there. Missed a relatively easy putt on 16. Made an amazing birdie on 17, which he needed in order to get to the position he was in.

Misses the putt, bogey, brings him back to 11 under. They go play a playoff, so they replay 18. Yeah, it's just one hole, right? Justin Rose, steady as an arrow, puts it right down the middle, right? Rory, unbelievable drive again on 18. You can't believe it. Yeah.

Justin Rose hits an awesome shot, approach shot on 18, but to like 14 feet, got kind of unlucky, because it was gonna go up the hill and didn't come back. Bad roll, bad roll. And then Rory hits. Hit a house. Hit a house. Yeah. He hits a three quarter lob wedge. Yeah. That goes up the hill and rolls back to about three feet. Justin Rose misses his putt. Rory goes up and you're like, dear God. Yeah. Yeah. If he misses this three footer,

we're all going to die. Yeah. And he makes it. Damn. And he starts crying. And I mean, I was crying. Yeah, that's what I heard from a lot of people. I was crying still from the cream. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it was still kind of at its peak, but.

I'm so bummed I missed it, dude. It was unbelievable. It was, I didn't even know what was going on when I got off stage. I checked my phone and everyone was talking about Rory, but I was getting like a mix of the tweets of like he choked it. And it was like, I don't know, I couldn't,

I was like, did he win or not? And then I ended up looking it up and I was like, fuck. Dude, it was the best Masters. I mean, you could easily make an argument that it was better than when Tiger won in 2019. Because Tiger won. Tiger winning in 2019. Because Tiger won. Tiger winning in 2019 was one of the greatest sports moments I ever watched.

Dude, this is up there. Yeah. And partly because, I mean, the story of Tiger winning is probably better. Yeah. But Tiger was up two strokes so he could bogey 18. Yeah. It was a little more anticlimactic than- Yeah, that makes sense. Than Rory, who had to steady himself

through horrific- Tough for Rose. Shuddering like Mrs. Yeah. Don't you feel like if you're Rose and you see Rory fuck up the 18th hole, that putt, and you know you're gonna go to an over, like a playoff, don't you think you're like,

I've got, I'm 100% gonna win this? Like he's gonna crumble? I think that- I mean, Rory probably had to just lock into like a playoff. Don't you think you're like, I've got I'm 100% gonna win this like he's gonna crumble. I think that mean, Rory probably had to just lock into like a different and just be like, I can't fuck this up. I don't know. I don't know what Rory's thought process was. He said that he was nervous. He said it was the hardest day he's ever had on the golf course. Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, you know, I've we played a money match me Frankie, rigs, Trent, Jersey, Jerry, no, not Augusta. Have you played Augusta?

No. That's probably the hardest invite in golf. Yeah. I think. I would assume. I think it's the number one. I've played Pine Valley. Which one's that?

That's, every year it's ranked the number one course in America. What was the one in, what's the one in Rochester? Oh They were they played this open. Yeah, the PGA or the PGH. Yeah Oak oak. I got an invite to their Oak Hill. Yeah, it's called you did. Yeah, that's pretty sick You should play that this was years That, I've never played that. It's supposed to be awesome. I think Brooks won the PGA when it was played there.

I think so. It was rainy the whole time. That's where that guy made the hole in one. I still have the card in my wallet. Who was the pro. Someone gave me their business card when I went to Rochester. Can I get a copy of that?

Well, this is someone's business card. You keep a lot of business cards in your wallet? No, I just don't throw shit out of my wallet. Why do you have so much Canadian cash? Because what else am I going to do with it? Take it out of your wallet and put it in a drawer. Why? For the next time you visit Canada. You're never going to use that around here.

I'm going back to Canada in a couple weeks. Oh, well said. Okay, fair enough. Now I don't have to take cash out again. Yeah. Will you listen to me about that tipping of the waitstaff at the comedy clubs though? Yeah, we'll see.

You should withdraw money from your business accounts so that you can use that as a tax write-off. Yeah, it makes sense. I think I could also just keep track of it, right? How much I tip. I suppose so. It's just one of those things where if you have a paper trail It's easier to prove it to the IRS if you get audited. Yeah, it makes sense Damn, I'm bummed. I missed that. Uh, I

Missed that. Yeah, man some great sports moments this week you see Vegas beat optic. Yeah. Yeah, that was a big one. Well, there was a lot of accusations though. Against, about what? AimBots. No, no, no. There were accusations of AimBots.

Do you know in the professional call of duty, they have, I think they call it integrity cameras. They have cameras behind them showing their screens. They can make sure that they're not cheating. That's good. Yeah. That's what we need. Yeah. Because the sport's gotten they're not cheating. It's good. Yeah. That's what we need. Yeah.

Cause the sports gotten kind of out of hand. It's gotten out of hand. It's like cycling in the Lance Armstrong era. They were at a point now where it's like, okay, did your guy win because he had aim bots on or did our aim bot guy beat your best aim bot guy? I mean, at some point it's kind of a level playing field. Not a bad idea.

Yeah. Have like one person per team that's allowed to use aimbot. Or just let everybody use aimbot. Yeah, but then that would just kind of be the computer playing. Isn't that kind of where we're at anyway? No. You still think, you still believe? Yeah, look, as someone that's actually heavily involved

in the streamer community now, I don't know if you've seen, I've kind of changed career paths. I mean, I posted one of your clips. You stole my clip and posted it. Where do you think I got that? Do you think I was watching you stream? No, actually, I was curious, where did you get that? I have my people.

Someone sent it to you? I have my people. That was from the test stream. Do you think I'm not plugged into the gamer community? No. But I was surprised to see that you posted it. Got a lot of likes. Yeah.

2K. Yeah, because you're gonna quit the game. No, no, no. You hate the game. That was test stream. I streamed for four and a half hours on Saturday. It was a blast. How'd it go?

Great. Flawless. Can you make money doing that? Yeah. Did you? No. How do you make money? You gotta get, so there's like different ways.

I guess, I don't really know anything about this. I literally was like, it was Friday morning I woke up and I was like, I kinda wanna try to do this. Just because I think it would be fun. And also, because I don't use social media. Like I don't use my Instagram or Twitter or I use my Twitter more than I use Instagram. But I was like, I feel like if I had another social media that I would actually use and I could like promote shows that way, dude, I had one dude just spamming my ticket links the entire time in the chat.

What does that mean? He was reposting it? Just in the chat. He would just be like, come see, go see Sass on the road. That's cool. With my link to my website. How many people were watching? I think we peaked at like 300. That's excellent. Yeah, not a ton, but it was like,

we never dipped below like 160 for four and a half hours. I feel like if people, if you said, hey, everyone, everyone give me a dollar. Yeah, obviously there's that. Couldn't they do that? Yeah, I think, but I don't have the donation set up. So like I have to set those up. But I'm not really even doing it for the money

as much as I'm doing it just for promo. But these- And like another piece of content to put out. These big Twitch streamers, they make millions of dollars. How do they do that? They, so I guess with Twitch, if you get enough viewers for a consistent amount of time you become a twitch partner

And then you make money directly off of just ads Like that twitch runs like you would be like you how this podcast makes money from YouTube Yeah, when they put out when YouTube puts ads on their podcast which But I think it takes like I think I could if I go live again a couple more times I'll become a partner pretty easily that quickly. Yeah, just cuz I already have a following right and Then you can start making money, but I don't the thing is I don't even know if I want to use twitch or YouTube I could have gone live on YouTube easily because I use stream labs, which is like software that

It's complicated as fuck I don't need to explain the entire thing, but I could either send it out to Twitch or to YouTube. And I did Twitch because YouTube was the son of a boy to had YouTube. And I was like, I don't really know how the team is gonna feel when they open up the YouTube and there's just an eight hour video

of me playing video games on it. I mean, not for nothing. My mentality is, you know, the more the merrier. Yeah, yeah. Throw anything on there. If you got something good. Yeah, it's not a bad idea. Which I'm sure it's good.

If I did it on YouTube, I think I would get way more viewers than Twitch because everyone has YouTube. Right, right, right. But it was fun. It was a good time. Yeah. People seem to enjoy it.

That's cool. I'd like to be part of something like that. Can we play a different game? 100%. What could we play? You know what I think would be really fun? I think if we played a horror game. Oh yeah, good idea. I think that would be very fun. Can we smoke some of your weed? We could smoke some of your weed or you could smoke all the weed you want. I don't smoke weed,

so that would be up to you. Defamation. I think that would actually be, I've wanted to do that for a while. When a while ago me and ron came up with a Bunch of ideas for content for the podcast. I think it's a lot easier now that we have three people I think that would be fun as fuck and I think it'd be super enter. I love that We could light some candles turn off the lights and then we could watch play like Evil Dead or we could play I don't know what any of the big horror Is a big one Brendan Sagalow plays a bunch of the horror games and he sent me a bunch of them that are really good Yes, Evil Dead is a big one. Yeah, right. Am I right about that? Do you guys know the horror games? I

Know 13 and 3 I've never played anything 13th what 13th at Freddy's I Heard that at Freddy's that sounds like it just a combination of Friday the 13th and Freddy crew? I've heard of that. 13th night at Freddy's? That sounds like just a combination of Friday the 13th and Freddy Crue, or. I think it is, yeah. Something like that. But apparently they're fun, and I think they're fun to watch too, which is a good thing.

Oh, that would be fun, dude. I know, Lev, I've never seen, I don't know if I've ever seen that, but Lev and Joe Harari, no, play, they they play those games and they say that they're like so fun. Cool. They're like funny Because apparently there's the one that they play I guess it's like you're in a house It's like a haunted mansion everyone's on their own Consoles, but apparently like you'll be playing and then you'll get killed Yeah

And you're all talking to each other Trying to like complete some sort of mission or something and then you get killed and you when you get killed your mic is just It goes off. It's muted. So then you're just like what the fuck happened to Francis and it's like oh he died He got killed by the ghosts. Yeah, it's kill the round. Is it scary though? I think it's I think they're supposed to be like pretty scary. I want to play a scary one I think the most most of them are very scary. Yeah I think that would be more fun. There's a lot of like jump scares and shit. Shit. We should try to do it. We should try to do it within the next couple weeks. Okay. Whenever Rone gets back we should try to do it. I think it'd

be fun. That's fun. Yeah. I'm down for that. Yeah. Super cool. Good idea. Yeah. Let's do that and then what we'll do is we'll open up donations and we'll split them. Well we'll see about that. Why wouldn't we? I don't know, the whole donations thing, I don't really get, it kind of throws me off. Look, people don't have to donate. We're not telling them they have to.

People are enjoying themselves. Look man, I don't know about you, but money does not grow on trees right now for me. No, it doesn't grow on trees, and we're in a recession too, so that's the problem. Don't say that. We need people to think that they were not so that they'll donate more.

Yeah, true, true. No one's gonna be donating. Right. During the recession. Right. I am, by the way, currently, I am in the lowest spending month that I've had in probably five years.

Really? Yeah. I'm the total opposite. I'm two thirds of the way through my billing cycle on my credit card and I think I've spent like 1200 bucks. Which maybe doesn't sound like that little to people, but my therapy is like 500 bucks and I get a bunch back from insurance.

Yeah. But like there's a therapy session on there. So it means I've only really spent like 700 bucks in two weeks, three weeks. That's huge. Yeah, But like that's, there's a therapy session on there. So it means I've only really spent like 700 bucks in two weeks or three weeks. That's huge. Yeah, it's nothing. That's pretty cheap for. And that includes like trains to, you know,

and stuff like that. Yeah, you took the train to Providence? No, I flew from Chicago and then I rode home with fights. But I did take a train somewhere. And then I took Brandon and fights out to a nice restaurant in Providence, which has some really good spots. We went to a place called Oberlin,

which I highly recommend if anyone's in Providence. Really, really good seafood. Providence has some really nice spots just outside of the area that you stay in. Actually, no, there's good spots in the area you stay in too. All downtown. Yeah. Cause the hotel's downtown

and then the club is in East Providence. Yeah. When I went there last year, it was my birthday when I was there and my parents drove down and we went to lunch or dinner somewhere and it was great. I forget what it was called though.

And then another time, the time before that, that I was there was with Colum and we drove like 30 minutes to the water and we got lobster rolls at this like sick restaurant. Love that. It's very fun. Probably the underrated city. I don't know if people are aware,

I keep turning my head away from the mic when I have to take a deep breath. So I'm really trying to make an effort to mitigate my loud breathing and I'm sorry for the fact that this is happening. And we thank you for that. I do have a breathing problem. You know, I've had asthma since I was a little kid.

I had it really bad when I was a kid. I used to have to do the breathing machine every night with the mask. Yeah. I had malformed lungs. It's like a sleep apnea mask? No, they would pump Oxygen.

heavy duty doses of whatever, albuterol and shit. Oh yeah. But I also had an inhaler, but I had to do the machine with the mask, with the green mask with the band, and then I would just do coloring books while I was doing it, because it would take a long time.

Damn. Half an hour, 45 minutes before bed. Do you still have that now? Mm-mm. I'm sure the technology has improved. No, I meant like you still deal with the asthma now. Here's why I would say that I do. Because in college, when we used to have to run conditioning tests before the season,

we would have, we had a couple. One was run a mile as fast as you can. And most of the guys on the team could run it sub six minutes. Yeah. I was second to last. Dang. And we had, like, our backup goalies were chubby. Yeah. And two of them beat me.

You're lucky that scene in super bad. Yeah. I ran a 618 mile, was the fastest I could manage. Wait, 618 was the second slowest on the team? This is in college? Oh, okay, I thought you were talking about high school. I was gonna say, what the fuck high school did you go to? Yeah, no, everyone was in crazy shape.

618 is insane. Also, this was right before the season, so we'd been training all fall. But distances, I just never could, I could never run distances. However, we also did the 50 yard shuttle and it was like, you run 50 yards and back, 50 yards and back, 50 yards and back.

Then you get, I think, three minutes rest, do it again, three minutes rest, do it again. And I came in second on that. So sprints with quick turns, suicide type stuff, I was very good at. I could recover quickly from that, but distances I could never do. And that, I think that has to be because of the way that my lungs were a problem when I was a kid. Yeah. I've always been good at running distance, but I'm slow as fuck. But if I'm in shape like right now, obviously, I wouldn't be able to run distance. I think you'd have a hard time with the sort of full on

assault you've put on your lungs with the weed. No, I don't think. I mean, you assault your lungs. Francis smokes weed out of like a one hitter that looks like a crack pipe. And then he's over here talking about me. When we went to fucking Cleveland. Yeah, yeah, sure.

When we went to Cleveland, we're in the green room and you're like, can we smoke in here? And the guy was like, no. And then we went outside and you bring out your fucking meth pipe. Yeah, yeah. You gotta get a little buzz. Look, you know, I accept who I am. True. I'm not afraid to put it out there.

You do. There's freedom, brother. There's freedom. I got. True. I'm not afraid to put it out there. You do. There's freedom, brother. There's freedom. I got a story. How long have we been going? Probably close to an hour, right? I bet it's over. Okay, because I don't know if I want to keep the,

I think I'll keep the story in, but we'll see. So I was, so this happened on, on Saturday night, post stream. Post stream I have to go do two spots, get back, ready for the late night sesh. Can I just say something really quickly? Yeah. Green rooms historically, comedy clubs,

they tell you a lot of the time, feel free to smoke in here. Oh yeah. So that's why I asked that question. I don't presume to be able to smoke weed inside. Yeah. Anywhere. It's just this weird thing where historically you go into green rooms,

especially in Austin or whatever. Oh yeah. They reek of weed and then the owner comes in and like hands you a joint and lights it for you. Yeah. There's also a lot of the older comics like smoke cigs in the green room. I remember the one time I did Buffalo and I walked into the green room and it smelled like a fucking ashtray

and they were like, David Tell was here last weekend. And I was like, it's funny that it's been seven days and it still just fucking reeks. But so I did, I had two spots at the stand and then I was coming home, it was probably around midnight, and I'm getting out of the Uber, and I see like someone else walks into my building before me, and then I see like a bunch of movement and like commotion,

and I was like, what the fuck was that? And then I start making my way closer to the door, and there's a girl, my neighbor. Is she cute? God damn it, that's so funny. That's so fucking funny. Okay, but the story itself is funny. So just- What just happened is very funny.

I know, it's funny, but it's unfortunately not everything is good for content. God damn it, dude. That sucks. It's all right, we'll be okay. That was such a funny exchange. if it makes you feel any better Statistically 50% of the people that listen to the podcast have stopped listening at this point We're not missing out on that much, okay?

So I'm so anyways so on Saturday night, I'm coming home from spots This is post stream. I've got two spots Yeah, I get got two spots, I get home around midnight, I get out of my Uber and someone else is walking into the building, I see some commotion. I start making my way closer to the door and I see someone that lives in my building,

you've been to my building, you know, there's the staircase going down before you enter the building. Yes. They are laid out across the staircase, laying down, like clearly fell. So I run in and I'm like, oh my God, are you okay? And they're like, no.

And I was like, I was like, that's not the answer I was hoping for at all. And then I was like, I'm just standing there in this, and I'm like, it's pretty clear they're fucking destroyed. Oh, that's what it is. Right? Yeah. Hammered. Okay. And now I'm standing in the staircase with the public is walking by and I'm standing over this girl that is laying down on the staircase. And I'm like, I'm trying to think, I'm like, I'm like, what do I even do in this situation? So I go, we sit there for like maybe 10 more seconds and I'm kind of like, you're just like figuring out what's going on.

They said they're not okay. And I'm like, okay, do you want me to call anybody? Probably a 10 second pause. And then she goes, who are you even gonna call the Ghostbusters? I swear on my life, that is all they said. And then I have to like awkward. And then I'm like, okay, they're fucking.

I'm like, she's fucking hammered. And I like awkwardly like shuffle over. And I'm like, well, do you need anything? And they're like, I don't have my key. I don't know where my keys are. And then I unlocked the door and I held the door open and she stood up and I, and I, we live directly next to each other.

So I was like, and then I, I was like, I don't want to walk this entire way up. So I sped walk as fast as I could up to my room. Oh, you opened the door because there's a second door. Yeah. I see. Into the building. Yeah. Isn't that insane?

And then I just sat in my apartment and heard them trying to get into their apartment for like 10 minutes. By the way, you keep, you're not even gendering this person to hide their identity, and yet you said that they live adjacent to you. Close to me. You said it's the one that's right.

Yours is on the right. Theirs is on the left. Yeah. Yeah. Your effort to hide this person and protect them is my effort. It's not, I'm not making an effort to hide this person and protect them. I'm trying to hide. I don't want that person to know that I am a comedian. You know what? I don't want that person to know that I'm like a podcaster. Okay. Hold on a second. I'm hiding myself from my, oh yeah. From the building by telling the true story of something so absurd that it could only have been you and her. And then you said where you live on the bright side,

I think the person probably doesn't even remember it happening. Okay. But she sees this. She's going to know. True. And then you said where you live. On the bright side, I think the person probably doesn't even remember it happening. Okay, but she sees this, she's gonna know. True. And then what, the cat's out of the bag that you're a podcaster? Well, I don't want to, I just don't want it to seem like I'm like using the story as like, I don't know. What do you think?

You think it's fine? I think it's totally fine. You think it's fine? Yes, because you haven't said her name. I don't know her name. The only risk of this being something that you shouldn't have done would be if you said something that would hurt her ability to like do her job.

Yeah. Or would, you know what I mean? Would embarrass her publicly if people could figure out who this is. Yeah. You've done none of those things. True. And you walked into a situation that wasn't your fault.

This wasn't of your own making. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So you did the right thing, and she said something unbelievably funny. Isn't that crazy? It's all credit to everybody. That's a great sandwich there.

That's a great sandwich. That was the last thing I expected to hear. I thought she was gonna be like, call 911. She goes, yeah, who are you gonna call, the Ghostbusters? I'm just like, dude, when she said that, I was like, what? Did you start laughing? Yeah.

Yeah, I would have laughed. I laughed and then I just opened the door and I was like, you can like, here, it's open. Yeah, and did she get up? And she like crawled up from the ground and got up. But I mean, I offered my full support and help initially. Yeah. And then once the Ghostbusters line happened I was like, you're fine.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. That's someone you should smoke weed with. I bet you she smokes. She's that funny. That'd be fun. Yeah, I don't know. She was, I think she was just fucking hammered.

It's also good to be friends with the person that lives directly next to you, because it means they're less likely to narc on you. For what? Anything. I mean, you got shit to hide. I don't have anything to hide. You're moving serious weight out of your apartment. Anytime I'm at my apartment, I'm playing video games. Right, well, whatever.

People, neighbors are the biggest issue in New York, right? And if she were annoyed that you were making, clearly she doesn't give a fuck, right? But, you know, it's just good, I think it's good to get along with your neighbors. Also, you know, if you ever got locked out of your apartment or whatever. I got locked out of my apartment this weekend.

You should get her number. Do you share a fire escape with her? Nah, yeah. Bingo, that's a valuable contact. When I get locked out of my apartment, I can let myself into the building because I can just buzz myself in with my phone. Great.

And then I just knock on the super's door and get the extra key. He's not around. There's nine people living there, they're always around. You mentioned that. That's funny. Someone new answers the door every time. Yeah, sure. They answer the door every time. Yeah, sure.

They answer the door and I'm like, hi, I left my keys in my apartment and they're like, do you live here? Like, yep, three years. Three years, knocked on the door probably 100 times. Still don't remember me. That shit annoys me. But anyways, that was my fun story.

We've told stories on this podcast before that retroactively we've decided to cut. And I've thought a lot about it. I told the story you remember about the time that I was sexually harassed by a mayor. Of course, yeah. Which we cut entirely. Yeah.

Because it was a real story and I felt I had drawn too many. Too many clues. Clues. Yeah. To connect to that person. Yeah. Clues to connect to that person. I kind of regret protecting that person in hindsight. Yeah, I mean, well, if it's a mayor, that makes sense. This is just someone that I don't even know what they do for work.

I know. They could be a mayor. Well, you're, no chance. Could be. That woman living in your building. My building's great. Tell you what what she's not the mayor of New York Tell you what the mayor of New York lives in Gracie Mansion, and yeah, yeah up on the Upper East Side true Well

Very fun episode. I enjoyed that. I had a blast Ron if you're listening to this take your a blast. Ron, if you're listening to this, take your time. Yeah. Ron, if you're listening, time to get to work, brother. Your spot's getting taken. By nobody? By nobody. Should just rip his name off the fucking wall. Where will I be? Oh, I've got West Nyack coming up. Levity Live. If you live up near that area at all,

I hope you'll come. It's a cavernous room and feels incredibly empty with any fewer than 200 people. So come to that. I think is that the origin of your Dick's Sporting Goods joke? Is that the mall where that happened? No, I've never performed there.

Really? You enter through a Dix. Oh really? Or as you would say. A Dix. A cox. A cox. How about that? Very clever.

Little callback. Little callback. You're all about the callbacks these days. Big callback guy. Yeah. So that's in a week or so, and then, no actually two weeks,

and then I'll be in Kansas City and Dallas and Chicago. By the way, I think the downtown shows in Chicago are already sold out. So come to Rosemont, Zany's, that's the first weekend of June, tickets at PunchUp.live slash Francis Ellis. What do you got? I got Edmonton next weekend, and then in first weekend of May I I'm going to be in Philly.

The Philly tickets are getting close to selling out, so get those now. Awesome. Thank you guys. We appreciate it. And we'll see you on Thursday. Close was over, still, still underground. I looked older, to you, came around I was only falling one way I was only falling one way Days were drifting

For was I So, so then you listen Now I come alive I was only falling one way I was only falling one way I was only falling one way I was only falling my way Fetish drew your eye Did you realize

No one could take me alive I was only falling