Son of a Boy Dad - LEMON PARTY | Son of a Boy Dad #197

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

LEMON PARTY | Son of a Boy Dad #197 -- Lil Sas & Rone are joined by Ben Avery, Jace Avery & Devan Costa from the Lemon Party podcast for an awesome episode -- Support their pod here: patreon.com/lemonparty -- Buy their live show tix here: lemonparty.life -- Follow our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Buy our merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE -- Cheers, thank youYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, son of a boy dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. And then- Yeah, way next level. And then we did the Boston show. It was great. And then the New York City, the Sunday at five o'clock, early show, we thought it was

going to be like- Yeah. Somewhat tame, you know? It's fucking five. It's five o'clock yeah early show we thought it was gonna be like yeah somewhat tame you know it's five o'clock on a sunday a guy flew in from london and got so fucking trash he only saw three minutes of the show and they had to throw him out oh jesus and then he he threw up all over the sidewalk and they're like do you want to let him back in i'm like yeah he flew in from london and everything oh i got it and then they let him back in he started groping people i got a picture of the throw-up,

by the way. I haven't showed it to you guys yet. And then another retarded guy in the crowd was trying to fight him. It was like a retarded... It was a pretty small venue, too, right? It was like a retard duel. Just a man-dango fight? Yeah, they buckbroke each other.

I sat on somebody's retarded hat. I'm sorry. That's good. That was for you. Spoke Kreischer here. Where's your shirt? Buy your shirt, tough boys. A gay guy from the 40s

is getting fucked in here. Bop your tops off, fellas. That's hilarious for fights to be breaking out in an intimate club in New York. Before it's dark. Falling brawls. Yeah.

Just in the middle of Chinatown. Middle of Chinatown. You know what's funny with the shows, too, is it's I'm going in and out of the crowd with a wireless microphone. Yeah jason devon are on stage and i'm going back up and we're doing our whole thing right so we're it's kind of more interactive where we're talking to the crowd and stuff yeah and what's funny is like i'm talking to this one guy and then just

from across he he said something i don't i can't remember what it was and then just from across, he said something. I can't remember what it was. And then just across the room, some guy just goes, fag. Dude, and it killed. It just killed. It was like the biggest laugh of the day. He's the new fourth Mike on the show. And he was the guy that was like, he was one of the ones trying to fight the other retarded guy from London who got thrown out. So he was like zero for 100 for the whole night. And then at the very end, he whispered fag.

The buzzer beater. Dude, and he, it was like Rudy. Like hundred for the whole night. And then at the very end, he whispered. The buzzer beater? Dude, it was like Rudy. It was his moment. We literally said half court shot. He threw up a fag at the buzzer. And what's funny, so we had a second show. And then there was a completely different guy. Somebody else was like, I'm from like Rockaway Beach.

And the guy goes, gay. And he didn't get as big of a pop. Because that's like Firefighter Central. That's like first responder. I don't know. People people kept going like oh i'm from exit 57 and people be like oh specific area where was the dude groping uh dudes or girls he was or equal opportunity i think it was he groped a girl and a guy at the same time. Yeah, like a couple. He did a thruple group. He meant business. It's so sad, too, because he kept going, why won't you let me back in with my friends?

Those are my friends. Those are my friends. Why won't you let me back in with my friends? I'm pretty sure the guy was Jimmy Sam. Just a serial molester. Flying into London, throwing up before the show starts, and then getting kicked out for groping people and having to fly he was so funny there's no green room so we had a table set up with like

the booze that we brought for ourselves and people would come they kept walking up me like can i get a beer we're like no this is ours go away they're like oh we're doing the show they're like oh fun and then this dude the the british dude walked in and he like can't he like he's he's just he hasn't seen in years i can't see anymore basically and he's like and we're like what he's like and we go are you need the bathroom it's right there and then he looks up he goes oh it's ben and he was moving like jack sparrow like you're the lemon party boys he's the first guy to like fly spirit airlines from britain somehow and then the guy who fought him um was this guy who was wearing like a federal pin

sweatshirt he's the guy who whispered fag at the end he's the guy who whispered fag he had a handlebar mustache and he gave me Chinese medicine. Yeah, someone took Chinese pills at us. Some guy handed me a shirt that said something about the most racist man alive. I don't know. And then they tried to bring a table out for us at the very beginning of the show, and it broke. The owner of the place couldn't fit the table on stage, so we awkwardly walked in after he failed. And then he just didn't say anything.

We just had to walk out. And then we could we couldn't find our mics the mics weren't we're just we're sitting on a chair like big gay okra so it got it was but it was really fun yeah it was fun yeah we put it out on patreon probably you're fucking 16 year olds on stage or what was it no we're trying to do it like a drake yeah it's it we're having a big beef right now i mean like like i had a newborn baby four months ago and i've sure i've my i've gained 40 pounds we all can we all know that devin has been viciously attacking me calling me a fat ass you are it's gross um so i've been i've been attacking devin online but i don't know i've

just been inspired because these guys have been making me listen to rap for the first time you know yeah with the whole kindred drake thing anytime i turn on rap music ben just thinks it's like a fight video on twitter with like a muse like you know a beat player yeah ben's like a paleontologist he's like taking notes they they keep they it's so funny because like they're so gay about it where they keep playing like i have like friends calling me we're like breaking it down i know you're dead you're dead serious about it oh no we've been breaking it down the whole weekend yeah we've been looking reading about fucking walden over there while we're listening to like rap what's your take on

it as like an outsider's perspective for seeing it for the first time it's so just gay it's like it's grown men they're not actually fighting they're just writing poems about each other it's so you say that's a run because i'm the gayest of all of all like doing it face to face is even gayer like a battle rap where you're like go like you're screaming in an inch from their face within kissing yeah your lips are almost touching yeah it is like it's has anybody ever tried to win a battle rap by like trying to fuck the other guy or something i think pat stay you said he he definitely tried to do that rest in peace to my buddy he was this great legend yeah he was a huge fan of pat would he like slip a like little tongue on the lip or something he definitely kissed someone he did or he definitely the lip stuff like no yeah

yeah yeah he ate a banana in a battle like like intimidatingly menacingly ate a banana the entire time which fucking plays but yeah it is pretty gay i'm just like making up rumors and being like actually planted the rumor like i i i've instilled that into your camp or whatever you took the bait I'll be honest I thought that the Drake song last night was good and then Twitter changed my mind about it completely I haven't even been listening to the Drake songs I was like Drake's back on top I thought it was a weird song to put out

in a battle where you're like no it sounded like he was in front of a jury you're just saying I'm not a pedophile in front of like a jury like you're just saying i'm not a pedophile how is that like kendrick's like you're a pedophile he's like i never fucked millie bobby especially to be like i'm way too famous to fuck kids yeah yeah he's like if i was a little less famous i'd be fucking every kid but when you got that you know microscope on you also to be like you only care that i fucked kids because

you got fucked as a kid yeah which is not true which is also a lie yeah kendrick didn't it's just because he's retarded and has no media literacy he can't understand a song from yeah you know mr morale mr pule the surprise winner he keeps on throwing that back in his face i mean i been waiting for this moment for like 10 years yeah've hated Drake my whole life I can't stand him I thought you loved Drake I'm from LA, Kendrick is everywhere Devin's been viciously attacking people Like in cabs and green rooms

I think Drake's okay He's like a pit bull Like when he sees a mailman He just starts going crazy You crip walk to the new Kendrick song? Oh yeah, the bang It's beautiful I hate it. You could walk to the news, Kendrick song. Oh, dude. Oh yeah. It's beautiful.

I hope Drake kills himself. We want to, we want him to get, we're joking. You can fucking have it. Are you friends with Drake? No, I'm not.

Oh, he's good friends with Drake. And that's Patrick. Look at any of Drake's Instagram. Yeah. He, he has before, but that does, I can And that's Patrick Beverly. Dude, look at any of Drake's Instagram posts. Drake likes your shit all the time, right? Yeah. He has before, but that doesn't,

I can still be objective in this. No, Rowan's always in the comments throwing the fire emoji on Drake's story. And you can see because he only lets people that he follows comment. Right.

Oh, wow. Yeah, so Rowan's always top comment. Yeah, it's been a tough time. Yeah. You got to go back and delete him. No,

I wish he had like sent me an NDA so I could get in the trenches with him so I could write something put pen to pad and fucking flame up Kendrick cause I would have went about it differently he went out sad on that last track last night it seemed like he was like resigned

to everything ending and like I mean it could be a good bait and switch to act like everything's about to end then come over the top but it just seems like he's like I'm tired of making fun of you he's tired of it yeah he's tired he gave up at the end of it i mean kendrick's you know he's making club anthems about you being a pedophile yeah no i literally it's really hard to come back from i saw a video people are twerking to pedophiles yeah they really are like across the country there's videos from la and fucking atlanta and

toronto people i saw a video from the airport it was a fat like woman's ass twerking and there's videos from la and fucking atlanta and toronto people i saw a video from the airport it was a fat like woman's ass twerking and there's a guy playing a saxophone to the song you know drake what who are his defenders right now it's like azalea banks and dj academics it's like the black man some families on your side bad. Yeah, Ben's Googling all these people right now. And it's also like high school graduation's right around the corner, so he needs to be fucking sharp. You're goddamn right. He needs to be on his P's and Q's. Dude, so you're more in the rap world, obviously.

A little bit, but I don't think it's that. Devin showed me your stuff. It's fucking, you're one of the most talented people I've seen like on screen that's so nice of you yeah you're very nice you're very good it's uh it was like a lot of fun while i was doing it there's not like a very high ceiling because like uh battle rappers get paid like zero no money is that why you stopped uh yeah basically and it's just like it doesn't age well like you can't be like these dudes dudes are turning 40 now yeah and they're like continuing to battle rap and shit like that and it's just uh there's like less graceful like it's more graceful

to go on podcasts and call people faggots i think for sure that's all the money that's really well i just i love battle rap because it was like the last bastion of free speech for me i'd be like there's a bunch of guys surrounding two other guys and they're just yelling faggot yeah i'm not kidding i really remember it was like 2017 me and ben from a weird christian town so we moved to la we don't know anything right and devin and his friend mark are like smoking weed i'm having a paranoid schizophrenic like freak out and they're showing me like battle they show me like kamikaze like like battle raps and stuff so that one guy that la guy you know i'm talking about kamikaze catastrophe something like that i don't know dumbfounded or like i don't know disaster or disaster i think it was the arab disaster yeah yeah yeah yeah

where there's a guy like shitting himself in front of him yeah oh yeah you showed me that oh yeah that was daylight right yeah daylight That was daylight, right? Yeah, daylight. And he used to write for Drake, and now he like write for Kendrick or something like that. That guy parlayed shitting himself and doing whiteface into like being a major player. Wait, the guy who shit himself wrote for Drake? Yes. Yeah.

Exactly. He's like a genius. He's amazing. Yeah, he's fucking brilliant. The dude Disaster that they they showed you that guy's actually a fucking genius he's like a polygot he's battled in like german he just battled in like uh tag tagalog or some shit like in the philippines or something like he's like can learn a language rap battle in it and just has done that maybe like six or seven times in different countries

yeah super impressive he's one of my favorites yeah there's there's some very it's like super talented guys getting paid no money to just scream insults from like that was the whole thing with it i was like i can't believe these guys aren't like more known like it's i mean i don't know i think so much of comedy sucks and i would watch you guys and be like these guys are like geniuses this is like amazingly done people are really talented and it was like the that it was like the last place where like uh you could really say whatever you wanted until the tom brady roast happened last night and then all comedy's back i don't know if you guys obviously you guys didn't get to watch it because uh we hate all comedy

no it's great it's fantastic your personal hero is Bert Kreischer yeah I love Bert yeah I love watching a comedian read jokes somebody else wrote for him

so it's great they definitely were so great so we're watching did you watch that I watched I watched some of it I was watching the hockey

so I would pause it I would I didn't watch any of the football players so I don't need to see yeah like Gronk reading jokes that some dude in la but that could be great because gronk could throw like just a faggot out of nowhere and like just ruin every endorsement

he has they were all calling tom brady gay really refreshing yeah they all every single not there was literally there was probably like 15 people that spoke and every single one of them called gronk retarded. And Gronk got like visibly, he got to a point where he was like, what is going on? You are retarded. Smashing the table

in front of him. And he did. He smashed like a glass out there. He's like, I'm not retarded. The craziest thing is Burt Kreischer

has the most CTE. I saw online, he kept getting mad when people would bring up giselle right like you get pissed off that's his ex-wife yeah yeah well i mean i don't think he probably didn't expect it to be that crazy yeah and then people were like your wife cheated on you with a jujitsu coach oh so you're tom brady you gotta like watch tape you you know? You got to like do research. Watch the other roast. There was one part where he got like visibly furious when Jeff Ross said some shit about him jerking off.

He said something about Robert Kraft getting the massages. Yeah, he confronted him, right? And he was like, don't, no, Robert Kraft's a good man. He was like, don't say that shit again. I was just talking about that with, you guys know the RU Garbage guys? Yeah. Yeah.

I was just talking about them and they were saying, we were saying, I think that's just like i think tom brady was trying to be funny and i think it's just like athlete brain you're probably right they don't know how to do a joke so he's like i'm gonna go say this and then everyone's like tom brady's pissed yeah you're probably right the craziest moment i saw while taking a shit this morning on my phone was uh uh julian edelman making a fucking like aaron hernandez hanging himself joe yeah there was like 10 of those too yeah it was crazy jesus the joke writers went crazy mike lawrence or jp mcdade or whichever bros were out there writing jokes yeah there was a lot of aaron

hernandez it was a lot of aaron hernandez tom brady's gay and uh oh you know andrew schultz said that he did call jeff ross a pedophile which was shocking to me really oh wow yeah because i was like i'm surprised they let that fly yeah no one talks about that yeah and then everyone laughed and i was like oh so that's just like accepted they don't give a fuck i guess enough time is yeah jeff ross is like well you're a wigger literally no literally it was like it was like you know like when on all those roads from like kevin hart and andrew shawls they're doing like they're they're kicking and shit running around it was like jeff ross had that reaction to the joke about him being a pedophile he like

pretended to run away and he was like oh not me he me. He's like, oh, I did rape a kid though. Oh, you got me. I am actually a pedophile. Look it up. Take me away. I don't know the backstory of that. Is that a thing? The backstory is that Jeff Ross is a pedophile. I know, I know.

It's actually a really interesting story. He found a child and he dated her. It's one of those where there's smoke, there's rape. No, it was like one of those things where I think there's stories that he was like grooming a waitress that was like 15 or 16. Yeah. A comedy seller or something back in the day. Yeah, who knows?

It's kind of a known thing. You could always tell that he's kind of focused on like the fame side of things or he would always like try to have some like arm candy and bring him to like a roast battle or something like that yeah it's interesting see don't you see because you're when you watch a roast like that see because like isn't like the earliest comedy like the guys like rhyming on stage and like uh you know like a like shakespeare yeah yeah that's like that's kind of what you guys are doing on like the rap battles is superior to the like when you watch people just telling jokes without having to rhyme and stuff aren't you like fuck it's not as good but i think there's also something about a joke it could be a little bit worse if it rhymes

and like people don't see it coming like if it rhymes it's like oh shit like i didn't like you just don't expect it coming as far as if it's just a one-liner it has to be funny in and of itself whereas if it's rhyming there's probably a little bit more like a lot of the jokes within battle rap if you just took them out there's probably not a ton of them that would be funny in and of themselves but it's more like the context of it and there's also within battle rap like not everybody tries to be funny a lot of people try to be aggressive yeah or like uh challenge somebody's street cred or whatever i got a gun bigger than godzilla yeah shit like that yeah okay did you is there ever any improvisation in that stuff? Some people do that.

Some people will rebuttal stuff like that. And then it used to be completely improvisation, but that's significantly worse. The stuff that you could come up with on the spot will be way worse than what you come up with over time. If you have a month to write for somebody, all that will be significantly better than just what you come up with on a beat

or in the last couple seconds. And these guys, since they're such, they're amazing writers, these guys go on to write for like Drake and Kendrick and people like that. I mean, that's a very, that dude kind of is an outlier. That dude's an outlier.

Yeah, yeah. Most people don't get like writing jobs but they all like lie. They all want to make it seem like they're more successful or powerful than they are but they're getting paid a thousand dollars a battle so even if you do 16 battles a year oh shit oh fuck like there's there's like one percent of one percent are making actual money off of it who was the dude that you battled it was one of

your early ones where the where you like destroyed him the first two rounds then he tried to like freestyle was it profit it was like really really old. The grandma's favorite grandson? I think it was this dude, Illegal. Yeah, and it wasn't even on stage. It was 10 dudes in a room like this. In a record store. Yeah. And he destroyed him,

and then the dude tried to freestyle and then just ran off. That's awesome. Dude, I used to do this open mic on Los Fel feliz boulevard and i saw a guy went up and tried he was like he's a white dude and he was like i'm trying to like i'm making it in the rap game so if you don't mind i just like i want to practice like rapping in front of people but he had social anxiety and it was so funny to watch a guy with social anxiety right because he's like i'm the best he's like i'm the colson the game and he was like turning away

my favorite thing about like hip-hop and rap is you have to have the bravado no matter how badly you're doing yeah like pissing yourself and shitting yourself and crying i'm the greatest i got so much money and i'll kill you that's kind of what you're saying about the aging thing yeah where you can't like we always talk about eminem like it's such an interesting study like as he gets older as it's just it doesn't it's really hard i mean when we listen one of my favorite people i know it's such an upsetting topic so he unfortunately got sober that's the problem yeah he didn't die unfortunately that would have been so sick if he died he would be like on white people's walls like like a kirk cobain poster yeah yeah he would

be so famous if he died but instead he's making like you know call of duty music that's literally what it is soundtracks for that one what was the one album where he's where he's roll back prices. We're slashing prices, motherfucker. What was the one where he's like, he's like face palming

with the American flag behind him? Is that Revival? The worst album ever made. Revival is terrible. It's so bad, dude. So bad.

And then he tried to come back and he was like, look how fast I can rap though yeah that's not like that's not why it sucks and that's not fun to listen to somebody rapping so fast that you can't understand what they're saying it's fun when you're like in high school like the like rap god was my number one goal was to try and memorize that

so that i could go to school the next day and be like, check this out. Lady starts immediately sucking it. You make elephant music. Yeah. It's like, it's like thinking, you know, like when I was a kid, I thought like,

I wanted to play like immortal technique at like parties. Like guys, it's a song about him raping his mom. Dude, we were just talking about this. We were talking about, you know, slug Christ.

No, you know, like suicide boys. Uh huh. Okay. I was like super into suicide boys in high school and there's this dude like slug christ who's just just a straight-up heroin addict that was all he was and his videos where i'm doing heroin and his songs like heroin heroin yeah and i would like go to parties in high school and be like check this shit out and then people would be like dude what are you doing and then i wouldn't get invited to parties parties everyone hates me there's a weird misconception we have when we're in high school that we think girls want to see the guy listen to cool like the the hardcore music like evil music yeah

makes no sense i remember devin was we were driving to a show and he was like i said he was like teaching us about like black culture and he he was showing us Eminem. And then you put on Kim on the car radio. And you just screamed along to Kim. And it was really kind of terrifying. It was scary. Kim is the creepiest thing ever made. Dude, I love. Did your dad find your Eminem CDs?

Yeah, he pulled the car over. On the 405. He broke them. Because I used to have to. I would burn them. And then I would name it. A Teletubbies soundtrack. Whatever. Anything that threw him off the set. I broke them. I used to have to like, I would burn them and then I would name it like, you know, a Teletubbies soundtrack,

whatever, anything that threw him off the set. And, uh, my dad's like a fucking, I don't know, like a liberal gay guy. It's like a Trump derangement syndrome a little bit. A little bit.

Yeah. I love him, but, uh, yeah, but he, he's like into hip hop where like, if I showed him the right songs,

I'll show him like a Nas, like, I know I can and he's like okay very good blacks are doing well teaching people good things

I like when Eminem rapped about Trump that was good so you know I would show him like Stan like look though that's like good that's like a story

it's not him just calling people fags and all that that's poetic but I would just pretend that was the only thing I knew but I had the whole album was a mother fuck i'll kill you kill your wife and your mom and and he he had like a friend in

the car and he was like devin show people that i'm cultured and like had me play some m&m for him and some rap so i just played the the hits that i knew would do well and then he was like no no keep it going i'm like no no it's okay you can just eject the city i'm fine i'm in the back seat no it's okay and he goes why what what's wrong and he turns it up and it's kill. You can just eject the CD. I'm in the backseat. No, it's okay. And he goes, why? What's wrong? And he turns it up and it's Kill You by Eminem. One of the craziest fucking songs. And he's getting furious behind the wheel. He skids off the road.

He pulled over? In front of this other guy. And this guy's like, what the fuck is going on? And he gets out of the car. He goes through my CD case and he starts ripping them. And throwing them on the highway. Trucks are flying by. and i'm like crying i'm like i'm sorry i just love him wasn't he good like you

he did that he goes you listen to this shit david do you want to kill your mom is that what's going on i don't want to kill you how old were you when this happened but uh 11 but here's what's funny this is still stuff like this is still happening to this day with devon where they can call me and it's like a completely new thing like at the bar him standing up about trump and like screaming yeah we had a nice day we went and saw a movie we drank a little bit And then at the end of the night, like, I don't know, Trump got brought up. I'm not like a Trump guy, but I was just like, you know, poking some holes in his hole.

You know, every Democrat's amazing, whatever. And he got like enraged and he starts yelling about like, does your, my girlfriend Ida, he's like, does Ida believe this? Do you believe this? And I'm like, a little bit. A lot of people are very disillusioned things are going and i really don't know if anyone has a side anymore and he stormed out

of the bar it was like i was like driving around the neighborhood looking for him like a stray dog it was like two in the morning he like walked like four miles home and a great way to get out of a bar tab too yeah he left me with the fucking tab oh really yeah yeah that's incredible dude it sounds exactly like my dad dude my dad does the exact like the like i remember when the when the 2016 election happened when trump won and my dad standing in front of the tv being like they said there was gonna be a blue wave and like the whole family like dispersing into different rooms yeah it's very weird because then they'll like see like a like a new mexican gardener and they'll be like keep your eyes on they're all next door like i saw another one today is there run i had i did have i did have

a question for ron yeah yeah so like like you didn't know the jeff ross like pedophile thing right yeah but like living in la and like you know the Jeff Ross, like, pedophile thing, right? Yeah, yeah. But, like, living in LA and, like, you know, being in comedy or whatever, like, you do hear rumors, like, way before, like, people get to know certain things. Like, are there rumors you know about, like, these guys in the rap world and stuff, like, being, like, pedophiles and shit like that that the public doesn't know about? There's the— i've never i'd

never heard any of that shit i even was the other way because i know dudes who are in like uh diddy's camp or whatever and they're like insisting that nothing happened yeah because they got raped they're like no my ass is in the mouth they're denying with cum in their mouth yeah so i'm literally like going one against ten against people like defending diddy they're like trying to keep a black man down like you don't fucking get it uh so i i probably go the other way trying to like defend people interesting um but i don't there hasn't been a ton of shit that i heard i didn't i know that hollywood's way more gossipy though because I was writing for a TV show in, like, 2017 in Hollywood.

And they talked about the Dan Schneider shit, like, very publicly when no one else had talked about it. And so I had a radio show back here at Barstool when I came back, and I, like, talked about it, and no one had heard about it. I was, like, writing blogs about Dan Schneider in 2017. And, like, I felt like I was I was like breaking news to the world. No one had any idea, but I feel like everyone in Hollywood was like, yeah, this guy's a fucking freak. Why don't you tell anyone?

Why does it just go? It's so funny to be like InfoWars for Nickelodeon. I've lost my documents. I've lost my documents. Drake has been raped. That's so funny. Yeah.

Did you guys know about that shit? Like years ago? Oh yeah. There was a thing out in LA where you're just like, yeah, Nickelodeon's run by like a pedophile basically,

but it's just a joke and everyone, you know. Yeah, things turn into jokes and also like you hear rumors and you don't, it's always like these,

but the thing is, these rumors always do come true, but like you don't really know. Like I, I've heard a great Aziz tale and I don't know if it's true or not and there'll be no way to, like you don't yeah really know like i i've heard a great aziz tale and i don't know if it's true or not and there'll be no way to like there's a you know remember the whole thing about aziz yes was he a sex pastor or something like that the wrong wine she accused him of rape he fucked her so bad he's like canceled yeah he just sucks at sex

this lady posted a whole article essentially where she was like, he invited me over to his place. He knew I liked red wine. He served me white wine. You know, we were watching Seinfeld and he, he tried to stick his fingers in my mouth. And then the whole time they're just watching Seinfeld. He doesn't put anything good on.

And he was very aggressive and want to take no for an answer, but then nothing really happened. And this was during me too. Everyone read that article and went, all right, well, I i mean who gives a shit right like this one's fine like he didn't like he got like really like soft canceled yeah he wasn't louis c kade he wasn't harvey weinstein he wasn't any of that stuff right then come later

what i heard is that so this is now here's the part that's not, I don't know if it's true. Here's where we lie. Here's where we slander celebrities. Here's the hope we have good lawyers. I can't wait for us to be in a barstool lawsuit. Now here's the wildly reckless thing that I'm going to say, and who knows if it's fantasy or not.

But it's definitely, definitely happened. But here's what I, here's what i here's what i heard and uh it's that his team knew a real rape thing was gonna come out and that would end his career forever and he would be fucking done so they formed a fake story and they paid a girl to publish something that they go you'll just get probably most more than likely like kind of soft metood for it you'll have to go away for like six months you won't get to do

like master of none season whatever you'll have to be like a more behind the scenes guy but you're gonna still get to have a career yeah and you'll get to come back so they then they paid for this fake story essentially to be published so then when the real thing comes out nobody people are piling on oh yeah yeah the thing about the red wine white wine yeah it's bullshit okay you know like woody allen like he got canceled in 87 so we like still let him you know make movies even though he's dating his daughter yeah yeah and that's just like something i heard at like a bar from like a guy who because everyone's like oh i was an assistant for whatever and this is

what i heard or some bullshit i can see that who fucking knows i mean makes sense you know let's run with it but even if like if it is true it'll net we'll never know so was there an actual woman that was like sent to his house a crisis actor to get fingers put down her throat no it's like sandy hook no they just like i guess they just paid a or maybe it was a real story that they they went to this woman like hey we'll pay you money to post this basically and you need to sign an nda that you can never go public about like that you received this money and blah blah yeah that was the start of all of the me too of being like nah we don't care anymore yeah like the article I think that article

was like it was on some website called like you know face false rape accusation wasn't it called like baby.net it was babe

the babe.net it was literally it was like a go daddy website yeah someofusareliars.org yeah it was

it was like the one two punch of that and then Anthony Bourdain's girlfriend being an actual pedophile herself. That broke a lot too. And then people were like, alright, we can stop listening to women again. Yeah. I don't even like looking into that one. It's dark. You did the deep dive on that and I can't really

do that one. What, she was fucking kids? Yeah, Bourdain was going on CNN all the time during the Me Too movement. Yeah. Like, you know, championing it. And he was dating this woman. What's her name? Aja Argento. And then I guess she cheated on him

and then she got Me Too'd for like fucking a 15-year-old on a set or something. No, she worked with a kid. She played a kid's mom in like a movie when he was like 12. And then she kept messaging him and waited until he turned the day he turned 18 to start dating him basically so then i think he found out about that and then you know he had some fun with a rope damn doesn't that always happen with like it

would suck to get cheated on and you're like who what tell me who it was yeah it was the 14 year old from the show it's devastating you got cucked by a guy with no pubic hair yeah you got cheated on with a kid with a calvin sticker yeah but yeah you found like a macaroni and cheese in the closet whose sketchers are these but the emails are are all like, you cucked me. Yeah, it's all that. All his last emails to her is like, you cucked me. You've embarrassed me. How dare you?

You felt really, really betrayed. Yeah, you sucked off the kid drawing a graffiti ass. A graffiti ass. It was perfect. Yeah, so, and then he did that. But didn't he leave his family for her? Didn't he, like, abandon his wife and daughter for her or something like that he was i watched that whole roadrunner doc which was pretty good he was very funny he was dating a woman for like 20 years and then the second

he got famous he they immediately divorced he married some french lady they had a kid together they eventually split up and then he started dating the asia argento lady but in the documentary like every single one of his friends everybody worked with was like we all were like this is the worst lady of all time like please anthony stopped dating her but he was just like they were all his closest collaborators and people they said the last like five six months he completely changed like doing the show so he'd be like they said because he was letting her direct episodes too because you know she has wants to be yeah. She has to be a part of it. She has to,

they all gotta be a part of it. Uh, no, you're talented too. Cause you, yeah, no, you fuck me.

You're good too. No, it's always like the guys come as like magic somehow. No, no, no, no. She's talented too.

And everybody gives a shit. I don't give a fuck about the first lady. I don't give a shit about the wife of CEOs. Asia Argento too. Burning hell. I hate all of it fuck about the first lady. I don't give a shit about the wife of CEOs. Yeah. Asia Argento too. Burning hell. I hate all of it. Yeah. Nobody cares.

Nobody cares that you fuck the guy that matters. This is transitive value. Are we allowed to do this on here? 100%. 100%. Go get it. Fuck. It's amazing.

I got a question for you guys though. Specifically you two. Jason, Ben. Yeah. What's up? So I always hear about your guys' upbringing. How you guys though specifically uh you two jason ben yeah yeah so i always hear about uh your guys upbringing how you guys were super christian couldn't dance couldn't uh like you know like just live a normal life but then and then we see you guys like uh now basically full-blown edgelords you know yeah yeah the antichrist yeah the antichrist but what was

the what was the like uh how did you get from point a to point b i feel like i never hear that uh like i think like what what changed and what are your like what's your family thinking about everything now for you like if you're by the way i'm i wonder about that all the time. Yeah. While we do the show. I'm like, they say, oh, yeah, our grandma is on the Patreon. Or like, parents are coming to town. Our grandma loves the show. She's always like, when you called Anthony Bourdain a bitch, that was great. I'm like, stop listening.

Our parents kind of just treat us like if you had a son who I think was like a gang member. And you're like, OK, I'm not going to bring that up at Thanksgiving. Yeah. Just like you can. Don't bring it in the house. Yeah, exactly. Just keep the keep the slurs out of the on the street. But I don't know.

For me, it was like I went to we both went to Christian college. Right. And so growing up, like you're kind of like, you know, you look around, you're like, well, everybody seems like really retarded. Yeah. And I guess this is just how the world is, I guess. Yeah. And you're like, everybody seems like really retarded yeah and i guess this is just how the world is i guess yeah and you're like everybody seems like this seems kind of dumb and then you go to christian college and you start actually like learning about the history of the bible i remember my first day in christian college i was in my first like bible class and a guy goes now why are all the gospels different matthew mark luke and john they

all tell these different stories why do they not match up and then everybody's's like, well, you know, it was different people writing it. Different people remember stuff differently, you know, kind of like in a police investigation, somebody will say something different. And then the professor goes, well, that's great. Except all the gospels were written 300 years after Jesus was born. And you saw like 800 kids be like, oh, shit. They're fucking lying. Yeah. And then you just start doing drugs and having sex you're like yeah you're like well i could you know like believe in heaven or i could

get my dick sucked so experience heaven right now yeah exactly is there was there a lot of like hardcore kids at college like not not like hardcore like into there was that was with the hardcore kids yeah i was like a i was like a pariah like because i would i played like edward forty hands for seven straight days i looked like a grimmer worm tongue by the end i was like a ghoul like laying in my bed i got really sick like i would just be i would just drink a lot yeah stuff i mean as soon as i found booze it kind of fixed everything the thing i guess jace jace kind of looked at it more like academically and tried to disprove the whole thing and for me it was always i guess sort of uh i was like religious yeah like, dude, Bill Maher is so fucking cool.

I always kept on trying to figure out emotionally what was wrong. Because I stopped. My family left town. And they were the only people that cared about me when I was freshman year of college. I gained a shitload of weight. I played D1 golf for one year. I got too fat to swing. Too fat to swing? I was all state in golf.

How fat were you? Isn't that John Daly's book? Yeah. I had severe mental health things where I just couldn't imagine myself not even hitting the ball. I lost all my confidence. I had no friends.

I completely, I was just crying all the time i had like insomnia and that was the year my parents like left town too and i was like fuck they were the only ones that cared about me i had zero friends i go all day without talking to people and my dad expected me to keep going to church even when they left god had abandoned you and i i got i remember i got dressed i like in my tucked in khakis whatever bullshit i remember I got dressed in my tucked in khakis, whatever bullshit. I remember I got in the car. I drove there.

I was in the parking lot of the church. I remember looking at the church and saying, that's the last place in the world I want to be. And I was like, why is that the last place in the world you want to be? And I thought, because that's the place I've never felt happy in there. I was like, oh, okay. So that's probably a good sign not to go in there. Go in, yeah. So I started just looking at things kind of abstractly. You bought two 40s and a roll of tape.

Dude, and then all hell broke loose. Like, people were calling my dad that I wasn't in church and stuff. For one day? See, Jason's good at lying. I wasn't. We both got, no, yeah, I was, see, like, Ben was, like, the joker. And I was just, like, kind of no yeah i was see like ben was like the joker and i was just like kind of a i was just like well i'll just lie about everything yeah we both got snitched on when they left i stopped going immediately and they're like we we heard from you know this 85

year old yeah yeah you know just hates gay people you're going to church and i was like oh i'm going with my friends to the new baptist church downtown and i thought i was supposed to be like honest with my parents and like if i was honest I was supposed to be honest with my parents. And if I was honest with them, they'd be honest with me. And that creates a good relationship. And I did the exact opposite. But you were like, the Bible has been lying to me this entire fucking time. Yeah.

Well, I was just like, well, if people are mad at me, I want to kill myself. And then I kind of did a formula in my head i was like well if i tell them stuff that won't make them mad at me then i won't want to kill myself so i was just a liar for like the next like six years of my life so i told them i was like yeah i don't feel god in there uh i feel very lonely there and it doesn't i'm not like it brought me to this deeply deeply unhappy place so why would i i stick with it, basically? And what did they what was their response to that? But you like faggot.

It was kind of like, yeah, this is all Obama's fault. You're supposed to be a blue wave. Do you believe this? It was like we kind of just didn't speak for a long time really and it was i was just seeing i've always felt like this black sheep weirdly where and i feel like i have like such good intentions and i think i'm a good person i guess even though we have a podcast where we call people fat gay and retarded like the whole time but i think with love out of love it comes from how much we love good things yeah we want them to be better so much yeah uh but i don't know i mean then then eventually it gets to the point where your parents i think this happens with almost anybody is that your parents

realize okay either i can keep being upset with them to the point that they'll never speak to me again or i can look past that and they can be my friend and I can text them and I can call them and we can still play golf together. And we'll just avoid this. This will never, I'll never bring up God or religion. I might say something condescending every now and then to my son as I'm about to tee off,

you know, about like heaven or whatever. But like, other than that, I mean, ultimately they're like i mean i have a daughter and my biggest fear is that she's she's four months old now and i love her so much like if i start talking about her for too long i start like crying i love her so much if she grew up and she didn't talk to

me anymore i'd fucking like kill myself yeah i couldn't fucking do it so i think you put all ideology aside if you truly do love your parents eventually, and then they go, fine, fuck it. I still want them to hang out with me. Yeah, that makes sense. Ultimately. So they kind of – a lot of people kind of start shedding that stuff as they – they become worse versions of themselves, but they also start shedding a lot of things too. They fuck – they just – they fuck up so much. They fuck up so much as they're

raising you they're so stressed about finances they they people have too many kids they can't afford them they can't give each kid enough attention to form them into a healthy adult and they probably have these preconceived notions based on the like shit their parents they're like detached parents dumped on them it's a thing where you like in your mid-20s like you're all angry and pissed off and then they're angry and pissed off and then as you kind of get older like you like both you kind of realize like well like this is like stupid you know like they're like there's a homo weinberg he's a community as a joke i always liked where he's like being mad at your parents for how they treat he's like being mad at the guy in front of you in traffic for the traffic

it's just passing down the line you know so like at a certain point you're like well i want i love these people i want them in my life so like you know fuck it you know yeah so that's where we just kind of you just kind of end up somewhere there and that's but are you the same way like you like like they have accepted that you're not into the church or do they still think you're going to church i'm like i'm like i told them i'm a reference i feel like jace we saw you're doing sesh on sunday is that before or after mass yeah yeah i show up for thanksgiving with the big like catholic father um no i mean there's like some awkward moments like if we go back home and like Yeah, I show up for Thanksgiving with the big Catholic collar. Father. No, I mean, there's like some awkward moments. Like if we go back home and it's like Sundays rolling around, I just I pretend I'm sleeping in that morning.

Just so there's not like you come into church type of thing. But, you know, your dad will text you a Bible verse and you delete it before reading it. And then, you know, go back to whatever porn you're watching and it's it's we're human beings we can hold many things at once that contradict each other and i'm saying that's that's kind of okay there's nothing that needs to be fixed yeah yeah yeah definitely but there definitely doesn't seem to be a lot of joy in church except for black churches those look fucking awesome dude yeah dude i remember when we were kids so we my dad was a basketball coach we would move around a lot and we would always we would try to go to a new church as soon as we got into town and we'd always like these old ass white churches

we went to we moved to big spring texas and we went into the first church and we we were a little late and we burst through the doors and it was like a black church from like the blues brothers yeah like guys who are doing flips guys with tambourines and like like you know like kendrick's dad's there in the 70s and like literally this this family of like giant white people walks it and everybody turns and we just go and then we just turn and we walked right back out my dad literally like grabbed us by the collar like yoink like pulled us back out and then uh barbecue place

yes we did have a black preacher once because they would have like they would trade preachers they do the circuits yeah guest freak guest speakers and we had this this black preacher come in and i was like i was like this guy is like killing this shit right now like he's so good and then he started to like like he was really killing with all these white people and then he was like kind of feeling himself so he then did a he did still like a throwaway joke of like uh he's like well you know we ain't like that catholic church where they be uh you know touching them little kids and just started bombing like just completely lost the crowd

fuck drake fuck 12 that's crazy he not like us people people don't understand we were kind of one degree separated from the rattlesnake stuff and the tent revival shit no dancing, no instruments, no clapping women weren't allowed to speak in church

no women were allowed to speak they got that right a squirrel, a blind squirrel what is it yeah broken clock broken clock yeah

we had like Christian scientists come in and they explained that carbon dating wasn't real which I don't

maybe it is wrong I mean who fucking knows they got the vaccines wrong can we say that this is your playground what's that have some fun

this is your playground okay we're having fun right now. We're on the jungle, Jim. Come on. We're having a good time. Let's talk about the vaccines. I remember scientists coming to church and explaining to us how the Earth was scientifically 6,000 years old. Well, yeah, they showed us a footprint of a dinosaur footprint and then a human's footprint under it.

And they were like, how can that have happened if dinosaurs didn't live after people basically that's damn good see because in uh the church of christ the belief is if you date the genealogy of jesus all the way back to the creation of the earth it's whole this whole fucking thing is 6 000 years old so that's why they reject all scientific theory that's the bible that's like how the the math of the bible that's correct uh but however um baptists which were basically church of christ except they were allowed instruments and they could dance that was like kind of the rivalry in town yeah weirdly and they thought that the god create took six days to create the earth but a day in god's time was like millions of years because god like time doesn't mean anything to god or whatever

and then so that's how they then and we would meet on the middle ground of well god and jesus are white if we can agree on one thing. We had a white. I literally knew a guy once at church explained to me that he was like, he's like, okay, Jesus was in the Middle East. Everybody was brown in the Middle East. Jesus was filled with the Holy Spirit. So he was white. Oh, because he was filled with light.

Because he was filled with light. He was white. Like the movie Powder. Jesus is walking around. No hair and albino skin, healing people. That's so funny. Yeah. So we were exposed to a lot of retarded old dudes when we were kids. Which is fun.

Yeah. It was like a great, I mean, looking back, it's hilarious. Yeah. And then since everything, in the Church of Christ, everything's repressed. So like, I wasn't given a sex talk. Obviously obviously you're never allowed to touch yourself or masturbate whatsoever which is just a biological urge which we have to be born with so our race like keeps going like it you know like our species are sorry you said what you feel the human race and it's exactly what humankind um what was i saying what was i saying about uh what was i talking about jesus christ sorry we've been doing all these shows i forgot what i was

talking about you're saying you're talking about uh the church of christ and how uh we weren't allowed to masturbate oh yeah so yeah we weren't allowed to so since oh yeah so since you're so everything is so repressed, all me and Jace cared about were like, dude, fucking the comic strips. Like Sunday, the Sunday morning paper with comic strips in it were like, it was like crack to us.

Like who got to read the funny comics? You're watching Family Circus dying laughing. Dude. I was like, that Dennis, he's such a mess. You know what's funny? J a mess you know what's funny jace you're funny from the very beginning we were we were fucking cunts yeah we were cunts we were like because i would i would real bird fucking sucks family circus is a piece of shit

we're like dunesberry is hack it's of the political i was like i was like from i'm kind of a far side guy so yeah we were i would i would show jace like garfield and be like this is a horrific joke like here's how it could be funnier like we were like already you're punching up interested yeah yeah we were interested in an elevated form of communication that we didn't we weren't exposed to which is just like jokes yeah yeah yeah and so we were obsessed with that and then making ourselves crack up in church is the fucking ultimate laugh yeah like you're pissing yeah i was i was i think i've told a story on here before but i was at i had to go

to church one time with one of my friends families because i slept over at his house and we went and uh they were like super religious and uh and they it was like the 10 10 a.m mass on sunday which was like the children the family mass so they bring all the little kids up front and uh the the priest like asked like a question and then there was a girl with down syndrome in the front row it was like this question about like the bible and she just goes uh she goes sometimes my mommy lets me play with my toys and i dude i could not contain myself and i'm not even with my family i'm with this other kid's family and like his parents are like stop laughing and i'm and then you know when you try and hold the laugh in yeah and it just pops out and it's like like crazy noise. It's like trying to hold in vomit and it just shoots everywhere.

Like the guy at your show last night. The ultimate... We had one... Ben knows what I'm about to talk about. We had one old guy go up because they would do the sermon. You know exactly what I'm about to say. We would do the sermon. They'd be like, alright, if there's anybody

who wants to repent and they know their heart's full of sin. They want to come before the congregation, repent, be baptized, be saved, come on down. And there was like a 55-year-old man, like mustache, big glasses, owned like a machine shop in town. And he walked down and he walked to the podium and he goes, and he was bawling. Holy shit. He goes, I just want to tell you, oh, that I've been addicted to pornography. I can't let that thing make me do pornography.

And he, dude, I swear to God, like 10 minutes, I'm like, I just can't stop it. I can't. I just keep pulling my butt. I love Alexis Texas so much. And I'm trying to. That damn bang bar, she goes everywhere. John and Marcus are just so talented.

I just wait for them to pick me up. Dude, and me and Ben were just like punching each other in like the fucking ribs. Like going insane. It's a grown, it's a six-year-old man turning red crying about how he like watches porn. And his wife and kids are just sitting there like, that right oh that's right honey good job his kids were there and then dude church ends and everybody comes up to him and they're like stay strong brother yeah meanwhile they're all fucking watching porn yeah that would never happen to me brother yeah the hypocrisy that i've heard from the where you guys came from it was so funny because like yeah

the guys are like crying about porn and you can't jack off, you can't curse, but then if a coach gets caught raping a kid, the whole town will kill the kid so the coach can be at state. Yeah, that did. We had one coach who fucked four kids and the whole town was

like, those fucking sluts. They shouldn't have tempted a coach in the fucking playoffs wasn't there seriously guys with on the back of their cars like free coach jobs oh dude that happened in my town yeah yeah people made bumper stickers and you would see them it was like a black square like it was blm and it had the coach's name on it dude and my town growing up there was we we like when i was going into high school they built a new high school and like over the summer there was like weight training or something for the football team and one of the gym teachers like beat the shit out of a kid

for like years straight people would be going around being like free coach like with like flags and shit and he was like beat the fuck out of a child this is not me and then and then they came out what he did and they were like he was vandalizing the school the new school so that the coach had to defend the new school but then it turned out he drew a penis on the mirror in condensation yeah and that was like the vandalizing that was going on we must protect this house yeah this is our temple we had a nearby town where for about 15 years the coaches were you would have to fuck the coach to play with on the girls basketball team this was a known thing but in the town it's like a blood in blood out yeah yeah it's a it's everything is if is your

daughter good enough to start on the basketball team you know she doesn't get fucked in yeah she has to yeah but that's that was like there are rules fucking dykes so this is the the coach's wives knew about it uh and the assistant coaches they all shared the girls and girls would be sit on the bench and not play if they didn't fuck the coaches this was a known thing and finally after 15 years i guess there was some sort of like edward snowden type of like whistleblower and they put a stop to it and then those those people just they went and got jobs somewhere else they don't even lose there they just get fired and then they go yeah and then the kids just get killed like the

boeing whistleblower yeah there was so much weird shit we had like um in like eighth grade basketball we would like shower afterwards dude play a game and you know he knows literally every story from my life um we'd be showering because if you didn't shower you get called like a queer and people yeah yeah you don't show your dick yeah i dude i remember that i remember going to swimming lessons and having to shower yeah i'm like nine yeah i'm just sitting next to a dude who's got like a fucking 10 inch dick yeah fully grown man yeah they would literally be like they're like if you skip showering they'd be like you're fucking gay and then you go showering guys would just like start pissing on you i'm like you're you are fucking really gay you were actually gay dude and we

would it was eighth grade we were showering and one of the kids dads um who was like this huge like looked like the like a like a like grown-up cartman he was just a fucking circle and he was so he was so fat he didn't he couldn't get belts so he had those big trucker suspenders yeah yeah that are like stretchy like it looks like you're throwing you're wrapping a car to like call something you're taking a sofa downtown and he would he would just he would open the door and he'd just stand in the doorway and like stare into the shower and he goes he goes jeff get ready like we need to get out of here and then he just he'd stare at a shower and we stare right in stare

right in for like 20 minutes before his kid was ready and we were like that's like weird and we told our coach and our coach like had to tell him to not you know yeah do that and then the practice afterwards he's like he's like you bunch of little sissy cry babies y'all think everybody wants to fuck you that is hilarious it's so fucked up yeah i'm just beating off to the side of you listen i got molested assistant coach got molested. Assistant coach got molested. We all did it, but your culture, it's this damn woke virus. It's my virus.

Oh, man. That's so funny. That was pretty funny. I mean, Devin went to Catholic school, so he had kind of the same thing. Catholics are full of shit, though. I mean, I think one kid got touched. We just got kissed on the mouth in our catholic school it was like it was like a deacon was like kissing boys on the mouth but like it wasn't anything beyond kissing on the mouth i don't think it's just first base which is maybe worse that's something that i think at least if you got fucked i would be like yeah i got molested

yeah and rather than like to this day i would be like why the fuck did he kiss me that was the way to kiss my lips with the michael jackson doc when they were like michael jackson was like eating their ass i'm like that's so much worse oh yeah that's that's what you know you're really a pedophile having to Oh, God. Did you have fruit roll-ups today? Having to unpack that, dude. Yeah, I think a kid at a, like, a retreat, because they, it was, like, more of a just, like, military-style Catholic school. Like, they would, like, they'd call kids, like, fags.

Yeah. Like, you know, treat you like shit, kind of. Just very alpha. It was an all-guys Catholic school. And it wasn't that much about the church, really. Like, we had to go to mass every month and shit and pray before every class but uh one kid on like they would take us on like these retreats where you go up to the mountains and like yeah sleep in bunk beds and like you know hey they go hey if you can catch one tonight they're all yours so like one kid said he woke up and a priest was like walking they were a capuchin monks too so

they looked like da vinci code guys they had the hoods on and everything wait more eerie yeah that's creepy as hell just like a boston you know molester yeah like a ninja's about to molest you yeah assassin's and he said he woke up and his dick was wet and out of his pants and he saw a priest just like just gliding away the most fucked up part of it was we all just laughed when we found out about it and called him like uh we were just going like hey yeah that's rapey johnson yeah the kid we nobody cared we were all assholes yeah yeah for all of us and probably not for him not for him no no he was a lot he was an attention seeker. I thought I fucked him up pretty good. Yeah. That kid was asking for it. Yeah, he was fucking hot.

You attract in life who you are. The kid, it was a pedophile probably. You're all writing your own story. He was. That would suck, dude. To get molested? To get molested. Yeah.

But now to be at summer camp and tell your friends, and they're all like, damn, dude, that blows. You suck, dude. You sloppy Joe's watch today, though? Yeah joe yeah the thing was the kid wasn't he was like annoying like a goody two shoes oh yeah so no one liked him already so they're like you deserve this yeah you make us do our homework what's what's work you don't father you forgot to molest us damn it i fucking hate that guy yeah we had a the worst we had was we we had a team we had a gym teacher who was fully raping kids yeah which that didn't get uncovered until i graduated high school but it was crazy because he was my jv golf coach and jv golf was like a joke so he would

just drive us to all the games so we like i like went out to dinner with this dude like with like two other kids my age like multiple times and then like a year later they were like yeah he was fucking kids yeah was he really trying to like wine and dine you i think he might have took you to a fancy spot we got some big ass burgers yeah nice dude it's crazy i had a biology teacher in high school that hated him so much. And after I graduated, I found out that he got. First off, the rumor was that he killed somebody in the operating room. He left a fucking saw like a side of them or something.

And then everyone became a teacher. That's why he became a teacher. And then after I graduated, I found out that he got fired because he was trying to order an escort to the class after. He was like drinking. They caught him like drinking and on the computer had all these like escort listings. And he had, yeah, tried to get a hooker to come right to the class.

Like he's shuffling the kids all like, hurry up, hurry up. Fucking around the frog. Teachers drinking in class would always, that would always be a funny one when they would get caught with that yeah because it's just hilarious to imagine a teacher just blacked out at 8 a.m like all right let's go over the homework assignments for today they're just necessary for the job yeah yeah it's probably a fucking blast from their perspective it's probably great yeah just in class just hammered it's really romantic it's almost like a cop you know yeah it's like a bad lieutenant situation yeah i had this i knew this kid that his family somehow owned

like don francisco coffee which which for it was mcdonald's coffee and they would supply all the coffee to the school and so me and this kid thought it would be funny if we started putting like like if we talk to the kid whose family runs the coffee we tell them start putting like like a lot like

cocaine into the coffee okay so like watch them get really amped over the course like six seven months and then cut them off cold turkey like flip the fuck classic it's not fucking and then cut him off cold turkey and watch all the teachers flip the fuck out. Just in class, like, it's not fucking hitting! What's going on?

We never did it, though. Are you nice at golf, too? No. I literally just started playing when we made those videos. I never swung. Our other co-host who's not here, Francis, is good. And so is Harry. Yeah, you played in high school.

I played in high school, which is good. And so is Harry. They're both... Yeah, you played in high school. I played in high school. Yeah, yeah. Which is like, people always act like it was... No, but you could break 90. I've seen your swing. Yeah, I could break 90. I don't know if I could break 90 now.

You could probably break 80 on a good day. I could... Probably not. I think the best I ever shot was like low 80s. Where are you from? What's your handicap like? You're pretty nice, right?

Me and Jace are around scratch if we're actually practicing. No, we were at one point. I was like, after college when I was just like, well, I don't know. I'm going to get an oil field job and probably kill myself at 30. I was like. Because I was working and my family moved to Midland, Texas. I graduated.

I didn't have a job because I didn't do anything or try. And so I moved to midland texas i graduated i didn't have a job because i didn't like do anything or try and so i moved to midland i was like i wanted to do comedy but i should probably just get an oil field job because they were like booming and then i got i got so funny because everybody moved to midland during the oil boom yeah and they were getting jobs where they're making like 120 grand a year yeah to drive oil trucks but people were dying in droves people were getting ripped apart by machines it's a very do we literally like when i was living at my parents house there was like these huge um uh like and antennas they would run for like the oil there so they get electricity and power and they would to repair those they would just have two dudes on a helicopter hanging like with um welding torches and shit.

And they would literally just fly them from tower to tower. And then they start like spiraling with the torches going. No, dude. Literally what happened was this helicopter pilot who I'm sure was smoking crank flew too low and he flew them

both directly into a power line. And they just like burned up and the rope broke, and they fell like 100 feet. It's like Dukes of Hazzard-style dash. Just the good old boys. Just the helicopters doing this. It's like Looney Tunes. People are getting crushed with pianos and shit. Have you ever seen those videos of the people getting rescued from a boat sinks or something,

and they're getting brought up on like they're in the stretcher on the helicopter and they start spinning the one that was the funniest thing i've ever seen was the lady she's like 80 and she's like hiking yeah they had to go rescue her and it is as she's as she's being lifted up you just see her literally like 200 times per like minute it's like this is so fucking funny she's so fucking dead scrambling her brains like eggs like whisking them real quick it's either it depends on where she's facing like if her head's facing like in yeah blood's rushing to her feet and she's just dying yeah from no oxygen um but so i was anyway so i was the most sudden like because the first couple

spins you're probably like oh fuck yeah and then it's just out of control so fast you definitely die by the way you're like bit by a rattlesnake or i'm like both your legs broken so yeah i was so that like that was the environment i was gonna go work in and i got an oil field job and i drove the first day it was like we started at 6 a.m and i got there and i saw like literally a guy who was like covered in shit and dirt and missing a finger and he walked up and he like packed a full fucking lip of copenhagen and then lit a marble red at like 6 a.m in the morning and he's like he's like all right welcome to the business kid and I I went into the office I was like fucking having a panic attack and the guy's like where are your boots I was like I didn't know I need those he's like

go home you'll start tomorrow get some you know metal steel toe steel toe boots and I I drove home I had a complete panic attack I was like I, I can't. This cannot be my life. And I quit and moved to Austin the next week and started doing stand-up. I don't know where I was going with that originally. Oh, I don't know either, actually. Was Midland where Friday Night Lights was? Oh, about golf. You were going to talk about golf.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, about golf. You were going to talk about golf. Oh, sorry. Sorry. When I was in Midland waiting to get that job, I played every day. And I broke. When you play in West Texas, you become a pretty good player because the wind's blowing all the time.

Yeah. So you need to hit it really solid. You need ball first contact. You don't have fresh green grass to hit off of. You're getting off of dirt. I broke 70 once. And literally like i shot a 68 and like 40 mile per hour wind by the way on bumpy greens that's impressive and i was and i was literally like well i'm never gonna break 60 so why would i ever do this again in my entire life and i went like a couple more times and it

was so impressive my dad had never broken 70 yeah he's such a competitive he's such a competitive motherfucker that like it was like a great day for me i was like so happy because i played in high school and he was like he's like no no that's great that's really great for you and then it's like you know i never shot in the 60s like i know you did but i haven't literally saying that and it was so impressive the next day through sheer tyranny of well. I shot a 68. He shot a 67 the very next day. You can't have this. Dude, I was like, number one, you're such a cocksucker, but I respect the hell out of you right now. Yeah. Just for like Larry Bird pulling that out of his ass.

He probably didn't sleep for a minute that night. Breaking down the course, going over like tape and shit. 3 a.m. tea time. Dude dude my dad beat me uh two weeks ago i was back in dallas yeah and i was playing his fucking home club that he plays every day and i'm playing with his clubs luckily he has an extra stiff shaft in his driver so i was able to use it he he shot even i shot one over yeah and he can't shut the fuck up yeah dude he was like yeah he's like we whipped you pretty good and he keeps like he keeps joking about it but bringing it up for days i'm like shut the fuck up it's your club asshole there's like blind shots and stuff i

don't know where to hit it in the fairway and my dad's the type of guy by the way he's such a cocksucker i love him to death but like in like the state championship and shit i'm like tied for second uh with nine holes to play yeah and my dad and jace would do this too because jace is two years older than me but like he'd be in regionals or state or whatever i was i was a mental case i was a real basket case as a kid yeah just i had like panic attacks all the time i didn't know like what they were oh yeah but so i would then what could always play well i'd play well and then we get to the tournament i would just start freaking out yeah sorry anyway i'm kind of yeah yeah so but it's so funny because jace was like dad you're not allowed to watch me play golf yeah like you're not maybe too nervous

he'd be wandering so you'd be you'd be like a whole 12 like hey i'm like i'm like one over like i'm gonna hold this together you know we got a couple par fives coming up like good stay in the pocket and then like you would just see like this this this guy with like red uh in a red jumpsuit yeah like a six foot five guy walking like out of the trees you're like oh fuck. And he'll be waiting on the tee box. He'd come up, he'd be like, I went up there. He's like,

you don't want to hit it left. Do not, whatever you do, don't think about hitting it left when you're on the tee box. All right, good luck, son. And then you,

you hit it left. He's like, I just said not to do that. It's literally the, remember Inception? Like, don't think about pink elephants. Yeah.

It's like, that's all you can fucking think about now. wasn't thinking of yeah he he fucking would do that constantly to you and fuck up your rounds yeah parents in sports is hilarious it's how how involved they get damage they do by being involved dude when i used to play hockey when i was young and my dad would my dad would like he'd come to every game and shit and he would sit like you're on the bench and my dad would just be directly across from me just just sitting there like this just staring right at me and he would bring my older sister and he would have my older sister walk around the entire rink to the bench and she'd go she'd be like dad says you got to start playing better and then i'd like turn and look and my dad would just be staring right at me.

Would he do the thing like on the drive home where he's like, listen, if you don't want to fucking do this anymore, I don't care. Dude, what would happen was we would sit in silence for like, or he'd have like the radio on and we would, because when you play hockey when you're young, it's hard to get, it's hard for them to rent ice time. So you'd be like, you'd have a game at six in the morning that's like three hours away and then we would be like halfway through the drive and he'd turn off the radio and he'd be like so how do you think you played today i just found jace i don't know if you know this i just found this out you told me very recently your dad was driving you all across the country for like chess tournaments or something what was it would you think you were gonna be a chess like master anything i showed any promise that he tried to like monetize and turn it into like turn me into like you know his like prodigy and then i would be like this sucks i just started playing chess for fun i really liked it i enjoyed it

and i had like a tea. Like he got me like a Russian teacher. Yeah. And I would have to play with this like Russian lady all the time. And then all of a sudden I'm in like, we're going like three hours away to like Marriott lobbies. And I'm like playing Russian prodigies. And I'm like,

I have the timer and I'm like, ah, like people are fucking with me. I had to give it up. And he was like all disappointed in me. would just ruin anything you loved he would take basketball like i he didn't know shit about sports i got obsessed with like the lake yeah yeah i got really into basketball on my own and then he like i wanted to play so then he would come to games he didn't really know anything but he was like he's like a rageful maniac yeah that just like

has like you know reptile brain so he just goes like my you know he just sees that the score were behind so he's losing his mind he like scream at like other kids on my team oh that's crazy that literally like jake lamotta just losing his mind. Like, what the fuck? Kyle, what the fuck are you doing? To somebody else's child. That's so funny. It was so embarrassing. So embarrassing. And then he would do the thing where it's like, if I had a bad game, whatever the fuck that meant to him,

he would, on like the drives, he would just go like, what the fuck was that? But I'm like, you don't even know basketball you fucking la loser you can't even throw unathletic dude i hate that i have to do this but i'm a flight that i have to catch you've done like four shows in like the past like two days yeah you guys are all i know you guys are crushing it uh i mean i'm just such a big fan of your guy's show like i listen to all thank you right i mean damn it i've been sharing your shit since like fucking the first time i ever saw it all those videos that you've ever done so uh yeah you're really one of the first guys who like ever like

fucked with our chat like at all dude i was so excited when i even heard that it was like happening i'm just like uh and francis too was like I'm so pissed that I'm not here because he's a massive fan of you guys as well. Oh, wow. So, yeah, you guys are crushing it. Thanks, Andy. You guys are just – Is your guys' tour still going? Yeah, we're going to do DC and Philly, and then we're done.

Yeah, when does this come out? Probably Thursday. Oh, we'll be done with the shows by then. Oh, well, no, Philly is that night i guess so if you hear this come see some philly at the helium club yeah we can put it out tomorrow okay yeah then do you see on wednesday at the arlington draft house and then thursday we're going to be in philly at helium i think is the club yeah philly helium yeah it's really fun cool that's what everybody's been it's a great i i feel philly helium when you do a weekend there it's like going

to vegas for a weekend you're just there 24 hours a day the staff stays there until like 7am just getting obliterated yeah

we're probably gonna have Rainy and Butter Leon I mean we haven't asked them yet but come they'll be there awesome it'll be fun

lemonparty.life for tickets and then patreon.com slash lemon party and listen to yeah we gotta get that out

by the way I looked at us at one point on the podcast I'm like we're so gay I'm wearing a stuff island shirt

you're wearing a lemon party hoodie and Jace is wearing a lemon and Jace is wearing a stuff island shirt I was like I can't wear

like the artist merch to the concert. I'm going to be in Sacramento this weekend. A lot of tickets left. Pretty much every ticket is left. So please come to that. Thank you. We'll see you guys at some point soon. Thank you guys.

Thank you guys. Oh, man, that was amazing. Yeah, that was awesome.