Son of a Boy Dad - Life After Brain Surgery feat. Sam Tallent - Son of a Boy Dad: Ep. 107

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

Sam Tallent, comedian and author of Running The Light, pulled up to the function to talk reading, writing, movies, standup, marriage, stretching, and brain surgery. A whole lotta laughs and a whole lotta insight in this one. Bonjour, amigos. Ads: MVMT - Get 20% off at https://mvmt.com with code SON BetterHelp - This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Go to https://barstool.link/SONbetterhelp for 10% off your first monthYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What is up, guys? Before we get into this episode of Son of a Boy Dad Podcast, please make sure you subscribe to the episode. Just go ahead and subscribe. We need more subscribers, and a lot of you are watching, but some of you guys are not subscribed. So why don't you go ahead and subscribe? And guess what? We can tell who you

are that's not subscribing. So you make it a lot easier on yourself if you just subscribe yourself right now before you have to take matters into our own hands. We will find you and hunt you until you subscribe. So let's get into this. Thank you. So we're here with Sam Talent. You want me to do the intro? Yeah, yeah. Do an intro at least. I'll give my intro. All right. Welcome Thank you I don't want them to turn it off immediately. No one's ever like, ooh, author. Cool. I better park the Zamboni so I can hear this better. Because they're listening at work. The barrier of entry to being able to write a book is non-existent. Like anyone can be an author if they want to.

But you're actually a comedian too. But at least I feel like a comedian, like you got to get up on stage and like be in front of people. And like there's like people judging you in the moment and if you fail like you know like i feel like an author you could kind of just like think you're successful the entire time just be like oh they just don't understand me yeah you're describing stand-up as well no one's listening the first two years you do stand-up really besides like guys who are more problematic than you they're like well he said it why can't i you know that's the first two years of stand-up is just lying to yourself and being like yeah this was

worth breaking up with that waitress so i can be out every night till 2 a.m to hang out with you know probably sex criminals definitely yeah wait sass is in his first two years of stand-up right now sass came in at a different level than most people did yeah he came in moving seats man yeah that is crazy i didn't even realize how much he's moving seats. And then I looked at like, he just was like at the stand, like listed in all these shows. Like he's like a fucking luminary on the scene already. It's kind of, it pissed me off for sure. Like I wasn't ready to be successful.

I was also doubtful until Gillis co-signed him. Yeah. I know that he doesn't fuck around with posers. Yeah. You know. He hates most people. He hates most people. I think that he has a pretty, he hates a certain population of people.

Which is most people. I mean, more than half of everybody is. Whoopsie. Is exactly who he hates. That's so funny. We went through that shit in a bunch of comics. We're like, I can't believe he said that. And it's like,

what the fuck are you talking about? I've heard you say some of the worst shit ever in a car ride. No one was listening. Right. You petty little fuck. Yeah, at least he's trying

to amuse people. Yeah, like, oh, just the fucking schadenfreude involved in that with all these people who were like, I would never. And it's like,

oh, okay. You have. Yeah. You don't remember that ride back from fucking Gillette, Wyoming? When you were doing that impression of that woman's lips yeah yeah you would never be fucking lying and i think doing it intentionally on stage is like way more noble than doing it in a car in a car ride and pretending that you didn't say it you know what i mean like at least he like stood

behind his words or well yeah and also like he was completely doing a character and anyone who didn't get it was just immediately outed to not understanding how comedy works you know fucking idiots there was nuance to it he's fucking idiots everyone wants to live in a binary world yeah guess what there's no gender everyone can fuck who they want but you still want to decide when people are making statements and not jokes let's fucking go bro eat out of my butt i don't want to decide when people are making statements and not jokes? Let's fucking go, bro. Eat out of my butt. I don't want to be vulgar on here. No, you can be vulgar.

You have to, bro. I want to talk about your Rolex, bro. Oh, shit. This is a Boliva. Oh, it's a Boliva? Yeah, yeah. What the hell? A Rolex is.

I thought it was a Rolex. That's new money shit. So what's a Boliva? It's a watch your wife buys you that people are impressed by, even though it costs $400. It is impressive, though. It's nice. It's really pretty, yeah. You guys can get one of these at any Macy's that's closing around.

These are still in the case, everyone. The Nordstrom watches next to the bricks. Because I struggle, bro. I'm a gold ring guy like you are, And I struggle with what watch to pair with it. And I'm looking at that watch. I'm like, ooh, that kind of looks nice. It looks classy, right? It looks classy and it goes well with the gold ring.

You know what I mean? More of a scratched Fitbit guy. Yeah, yeah. But that's like the whole movement amongst your generation is a move away from like elegance. Yeah. Opulence, you know? I don't know. I don't even know why I have this thing.

I don't move ever. It just shows me that I've gotten like 800 steps in a full day. Isn't that a real beating? Yeah. Opulence, you know? I don't know. I don't even know why I have this thing. I don't move ever. It just shows me that I've gotten like 800 steps in a full day. Isn't that a real beating? Yeah. When you fucking look at your phone app and it's like, you are legally dead. Yeah. We're not sure if you're alive right now. You spent 20 hours a day on the phone.

Yeah. You spent every waking minute. I mean, it's 315. I have 1,500 steps. Well, yeah. You just came out of your pod an hour ago. Yeah. That's barely moving though. Yeah. That's like just came out of your pod an hour ago. Yeah, that's barely moving, though.

Yeah. That's like shuffling around for 10 minutes. Yeah, that is like a turtle at the zoo gets more steps than that. It's insane. They have four legs. Yeah, that's true. Of course they get more steps. That's true.

You start crawling around, bro. When's the last time you tried to do a log roll across the floor? Yeah. Have you tried that? I haven't log rolled in a minute. It takes it out of you, dude. Yeah. I can barely sit up anymore bro it's fucking it's terrible it's just it's tight ligaments are wounded and talked and it's a wrap too like i don't know how i can get that shit back uh just like a general stretching regimen i'm trying getting in the pool

i'm trying i i literally have a uh stretching appointment made today for 55 minutes of another human stretching me and I just know I'm cooked. That it's not going to do shit for me, bro. Stretching appointment. What do they do? Just stretch your legs and shit? Yeah, I got gym shorts on underneath this so I can fucking whip them off. I swear to God.

So a man can fucking stretch me. A man can pin your legs back? Stand over you and look you in the eye? Ask for a tip afterwards. I swear to god they asked for a fucking 20 tip you get stretched for 50 minutes yeah a whole ass professional yeah oh me and me and john had a funny moment say it on the mic bro me and fight over just had a funny moment not too long ago we were we heard that a pretty famous well-paid comic that didn't um pay his openers oh yeah we're like what a fucking me and Final Bar just had a funny moment not too long ago we were we heard that a pretty famous

well paid comic didn't pay his openers oh yeah we were like what a fucking scumbag that guy is not paying his openers

and then we thought about the last tour we were on and we were like we didn't pay our openers thank you dude now we should count it live on air boys

count it up count it up because you know he just got like fucking 20 million dollars from Barstool if he didn't pay you a fat chunk of change you know this I don't want to brag it's two five dollar bills no way that's how you know the rest of the lump

is big no that's a very healthy amount two five dollar bills well hold on boys I spoke a little soon oh damn holy shit i'm gonna get stretched for a couple hours today i'm gonna come in there and make it rain on your ass is that armenian guy's pinning it the old 100 as that guy has my fucking it band wrapped around my fucking forehead this area is hell yeah i didn't even know what it was that i think that's the it band it band dog what is what is it band it's from sitting too

much oh and it goes all the way from like your knee all the way up into your cheeks yeah and it causes tightness in your lower back and your shoulders you know where i get it bad is i get it in my like right because i have such bad posture i get it right here back here if i sit for too long it's like the worst pain there's just nothing you can do yeah yeah yeah bad bad case got the autistic hump yeah i did it's really bad we're talking about this earlier yeah it's fucking terrible also i play a ton of video games but my apartment is so small that i have to sit crisscross applesauce in my bed and i lean super far forward for like hours that's probably good for your hip flexors though that's probably stretching something yeah but just not the right

thing it's really you know it's a tough look when you're playing video games in your bed uh crisscross applesauce yeah you're nude from the waist down and a girl walks in to bring you like like your girlfriend brings you like chinese food she's like oh the spring rolls are here and you're like all right i'll be right out and your dick has never been terrible it's just a little fucking baby pig nose on a nest of pubes and you're like swearing at kids on cod oh that's fucking brutal dude do you play a lot of video games no no i had to swear it off dude i played red dead redemption the second one and i was sick it was super good it was a beautiful work of art yeah i told my wife i was like when this comes out you're widowed for three months. Yeah.

I need this. I don't game anymore. I played that Ghost of Tsushima game. Oh, yeah. I never got into that. Samurai game. It was sick, dude. I've heard it's great, though.

I went through a period where I was reading Shogun by James Clavel, which is like an 1800 page epic. And then in between breaks of that, I would be a samurai in the game. Oh, you were Japanese as hell. Bro, I went straight Ronin. Yeah, that's fucking sick. No gods, no masters. All katanas.

That's so fucking badass. I was immersed, man. Yeah. Did you feel more Japanese afterwards? Were you nice with the chopsticks? What became of it? I mean, whatever things that might have affected me were probably things I wouldn't reveal on your large platform.

Just loving pixelated. Our platform's not that large. You can say whatever you want. You guys do good. Hell no. We're no KFC radio. That's a platform. Look at the cash. Look at the cash that they're fucking stuffing down your throat. I don't want to be smurged.

This is a very nice thing to receive. The two fives was a slap in the face, though. That's confusing with all the hunchies. That had to have just been in the wallet, they were like i guess we'll throw this on i love how that guy talks like a cartoon dog yeah he's so funny i know i have a hard time listening to him speak without being like whoa yeah he's such a jolly guy yeah yeah and like i've barely met any of y'all like this is my first uh entrance into the barstool empire and it's been so nice yeah are you a bus fan no i can't say that i am okay i didn't know if deon sanders coming out there was going to change

your life at all the city the state is on fire with our hopes and expectations yeah i am so i was gonna play at cu but then i fucked myself, so I could not. But I'm stoked for that. I'm stoked for them to have that guy. You were going to play college football at CU? Yeah, but I hurt my leg. No, that fucking IT band. The IT band strikes back.

This fucking tight-ass IT band. The devil's rubber. What the hell, bro? You're cursed. But, dude, Deion, man. Neon himself coming up there. Because they were... I mean, Colorado State University, the Rams. bro? You're cursed. But dude, Dion, man. Neon himself coming up there. Because they were, I mean, Colorado State University, the Rams. I live in Fort Collins.

They're the worst D1 program. And then CU was ranked like 127. Really bad. Terrible. They're like 1 in 10 or some shit. They're like so embarrassingly bad. Dude, you would call the stadium there at CU. You'd call Folsom Field and be like, what time is the game starting?

And they'd say, what time can you get here? Yeah, they'd hold it up for you. Can you believe this? We're waiting for guys. Can you hear this? Have you seen this? Can you believe that that would happen? I'm going to start the game.

It used to be a Mets joke, I think. Yeah, Neon coming in and he's bringing everyone in with him, dude. All those transfers. His luggage, bro. He's bringing the luggage. And you see he's wearing like fucking cowboy hats he's like watching yellowstone and shit like that probably wearing cowboy boots specially tailored for his lives on like a ranch though doesn't he yeah he probably he's waiting to put that shit on yeah for sure that's awesome i like

when a black guy starts wearing a cowboy hat it's an awesome look you know that we're communicating as cultures yeah yeah you know what i mean the first guy to do was this sidekick on walker texas ranger you know who i'm talking about you ever watch go all the way back yeah you're gonna totally just uh eradicate a history of the black cowboy in the american west and go to walker texas yeah that's the first guy to do it not django and jane yeah it wasn't all the slaves that escaped human human shadow. No, no, no. It was the sidekick. Walker Texas Ranger. I think it was actually Carl Malone. Yeah, that was

the pedophile himself, Carl Malone. Whoa, hey! Bro, we can't call a guy who fucks a 15-year-old a pedophile? I wasn't there! Wasn't she like 13? You better get the lawyers on the horn. Allegedly. That is so crazy. No, no, I'm sure he did. I don better get the lawyers on the horn. Allegedly. That is so crazy.

No, no, I'm sure he did. I don't want to say I'm sure. There's like 10 Carl Malone jerseys circling this office right now somewhere. We bought a bunch one time. There's a dude on the corner that sells jerseys. And one day he was just selling multiple Carl Malone jerseys. Was it the day the news dropped? Probably, yeah.

Get them now. Poison? People are flocking. I mean, no one else is going to buy those. Except for, I know, I mean, I think a lot of people don't know or don't really care. Don't give a fuck, yeah. If you're a Malone fan, you're a Malone fan. Yeah.

You don't just give up on Malone because of a little incident with a 13-year-old. There was a lot of Stockton dorks that were like, I told you. They were fucking jacked that day. We were right about that. The Carl Malone Award in college basketball. That Gonzaga guy, Timmy, just won it. Oh, really? The Carl Malone Award.

What, for being the hottest underage student? It's crazy. I think he was like the best upperclassman or something like that. He just won it this year, the Carl Malone 2023 Award. What the fuck? I can't be giving that out. That's crazy.

This cancel culture shit is fucking overblown, bro. He just fucking skated, bro. This shit is not real, bro. The Karl Malone award. Yeah, they have a trophy and everything. That is insane.

That dude on Gonzaga, like Timmy or whatever, the stud on Gonzaga just won it like a week ago. Yeah. That's gotta be a tough one. Tough trophy. Just putting that trophy,

where do you even put that trophy? The garage. Yeah. You give that one to mom. Yeah. You better keep it up in your childhood room. Because she doesn't know. Mom has no idea.

Maybe she got bagged by cologne. Maybe it's since you're spiraling. It's all your light skin. But what resonated with me was you talking about dudes with wearing shirts and no pants. I'm just going to skim over and no pants just gonna skip it that's good old-fashioned fun right there um because i've been i've been getting big i've been big into shirt with uh no pants on recently uh with my penis out yeah isn't that like winnie the pooh winnie the pooh yeah donald ducking i'm a big winnie the pooh guy i don't take my shirt doesn't come off ever. Really?

No, not even when I'm in the bathroom. Not even when I'm in the shower. Wow. Well, when I get out of the shower, I put a shirt on before I go back to my room. Why? You got a young hot body. What are you worried about? It is a mess under here.

Yeah. Okay. It's not a young hot body. You have sea monkey posture. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, yeah. A lot of rolls posture yeah exactly exactly yeah a lot of rolls really yeah a lot of crevices interesting that's fun that's good to know yeah because i'm like a big old ample bodied boy yeah man i hate when fucking adult men say i'm a bad boy

or when sports fans call their like favorite players their sweet baby boys and shit like that that shit drives me those are the guys who just start quit saying sports ball like two years ago yes and they like they tried to grow into it but it doesn't work i want to bash them but it is funny that our we're more disgusted with our fucking upper torsos than our genitals oh i've thought about this before i think i would rather anyone walk in on me and see my dick than see my stomach. Really? Anyone. That is crazy.

By like a mile. But you probably don't have this going on because you're an athlete. Yeah. Because deep down you're a fucking almost division or almost a Colorado football player. No, no. I don't have a young supple cock. All right? Yeah.

I don't have a sweet little Indianian leg over there all right are you crazy your cock's changing i don't want anyone seeing me in any way this was a face mask a push ice the old face mask a balaclava yeah there's two eye holes yeah dude no i don't want any i don't want to be surprised in any level of nudity by anyone yeah that is fucking... Look at my wife of 11 years. Yeah, have you been married 11 years? Well, no, we've been together 11 years, but...

Okay, how long have you been actually married? Since 2016. Okay. June of 2016. Okay, you've been in the game. Oh, yeah. Folks, let's take a second and talk about movement watches. MVMT.

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You know, I gave my father-in-law a movement watch one time, and he was very impressed by how high end of a gift it was. And you can get that same approval you've been so desperately seeking for your entire life yourself if you just go to MVMT.com and you can use code SON for 20% off. Make your everyday sidekick for life's adventures. A movement to get 20% off at MVMT.com. Code sun. Fuck yeah. So you're going to ride for each other. Yeah.

You're past the point of no return at this point. You know, it's what's crazy is when you think about like getting divorced, like obviously it's a fate worse than death because I truly do love and honor my wife and I like the life we have together. Fuck yes. But I think that like after three months we'd both be fine. You know,

it's like she's like a young,, we'd both be fine. You know, it's like, she's like a young, big tittied, hot doctor. You know, like she's a physician. And like, I spend a lot of time with waitresses.

You know, it's like, I think that she'd land a lot better than I would, but I think we'd still like be getting it in. Otherwise, you know, God forbid, I'd rather be drowned,

you know, than break up with her and not have her in my life. But cold reality. Yes. I would miss our niece. Like, yes, I'd rather be drowned, you know, than break up with her and not have her in my life. But cold reality. Yes, I would miss our niece. Like, yes, I would miss her family. I would hate that we wouldn't be able to be together. But you just throw on The Last Samurai and crack open a Murakama book saying you'll be back. There's a lot of pussy out there.

When I quit crying after a year and a half, I might be able to ejaculate immediately inside of one. You get right back on that fucking horse, bro. Uh-oh, my wife sent someone. Enough riffing, Sam. That's plenty of fucking riffing to be doing. Hell yes, bro. Yeah, I'm about, I'm like two years into the game. Congratulations.

Yeah, I think I'm past the point of no return as well. But I like that you said that you Love and honor your wife I feel like that's You're serious about it I'm dead serious In a career and a life built on nothing but lies and illusion That is stand up comedy professionally

I take her so seriously Did she ever have a problem with you Going out into the world And doing stand up comedy at night And not being around as much No because when we got together she knew what it was already i was already on the road you're on the road a lot right i'm out every weekend yeah yeah and now like finally it's paying off and like you know i'm coming home with money which is cool when we got together she was uh she was she's a doctor now we got together she was like a 20 year old rat tail hood rat damn

oh yeah she was not in school you know there was no aspirations to be a doctor at that point she was nowhere close to being a doctor she wasn't even in school she i think she had just got returned to the university of colorado denver and she was getting her bachelor's again but yeah i just remember she pulled up to a function with i never said that before a function it sounded good though it sounded natural if you had kept on going yeah that was sick because i'm just thinking of everyone who knows me being like what the hell is he doing in that big city where'd he get an urban the function no she showed up to a house party with two bottles of Codian cough syrup.

Damn. I was like. Two? Oh, yeah. That's a lot. It is too much. That is a lot of cough syrup. Yeah.

Hey, if you're trying to maybe have your first bout of intercourse with a big man, maybe don't get them all geeked on cough syrup. You know? This is all allegedly. One for each of you? Yeah. Codian crazy. Yeah.

You guys just split the cough syrup? Dude, it's such a, that's such a great way to get blasted. Cough syrup. Yeah. Do you guys both just take a bottle? No. Just cheers them? She did not actually engage, but she knew that I had these interests.

Yeah. I liked cough syrup. We were doing like the dipped blunts. Yeah. Which doesn't actually get you high because your liver has to synthesize the codeine. You have to drink it. You have to drink it. Yeah.

It's just a waste of codeine and weed. Yeah yeah i'm sure the weed's not very easy to light when it's covered in cough syrup yeah you're sitting there like i swear guys we're gonna be so high hold on no call another uber hold on cancel that one we're about to be geeked microwave it yeah warm it up dry that bitch out yeah damn but yeah so uh we've come a long way together so no she's not mad because she's so driven she's been in she was in med school and now she's a doctor so the fact that i'm like widowed by her hopes and dreams makes it easier for me to like go out and put some fucking money on the table you know there's such a fucking come up i just come home with money and i say here it is and i put it on the table. And she says, twins died today.

I botched brain surgery. She doesn't botch. Old MT. They botched it. Yeah, yeah. She's also not a surgeon. That's a whole different thing, man. A whole different type of doctor.

Yeah, they're the meanest and like most narcissistic human beings. Condescending, man. Yeah. They're cheating on their fucking wives, bro. are a hundred percent cheating on their surgeons yeah especially brain surgeons really i don't think i've ever met a surgeon i have and let me tell you their hands are in every pot yeah they're goosing people yeah you know they're playing warm up my face yeah i was getting fucked by this surgeon yeah he was ruthless now my wife works at a hospital over here and she says all the fucking brain playing warm up my face yeah i was getting fucked by this surgeon yeah he was ruthless now my wife works at a hospital over here and she says all the fucking brain surgeons are like

the most narcissistic the worst people because they literally play god though yeah if you're a heart surgeon or brain surgeon you're saving people's lives you're giving them more life more time on earth right yeah they get a little cock or if you're like a little bit rude with them they're like snipping your cerebral cortex like it's fucking nothing like whoopsies oh you're just gonna smell colors yeah shouldn't have talked back to me no more violin for you no more spanish uh-huh you ever seen that npr thing where the dude had brain surgery and he came out and he was just a pedophile no like a month later a month later dude a month later the like the f FBI raided his house

and they had like, he had like two terabytes of child porn on his laptop. Whoa. And it was, it never happened before the brain surgery. No way he got two terabytes

that fast. Dude, it was fast. Oh, I can get you a terabyte. Like that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's all I can get you a terabyte of that.

He's got a laptop buried in the desert somewhere. Two terabytes is so much bro you're preparing for nuclear fallout of masturbating if you need

two terabytes of child porn dude so crazy I can't imagine looking obviously at any child porn ever without being completely

revulsed and want to throw up right but where do you get to the point where you're like they always have so much like a megabyte

doesn't do it for me yeah I know I need all of it no thank you it's like that tea yeah it's like card collectors who are like ripping a pack like they just buy like a bunch of a new terabyte like what's in this whole terabyte fucking deep ass massive terabyte of fucking child porn. What a delightful way to put it. This dude's like sprinting into a Walmart to try and get the new pack of Topps child porn. Gross. Dude, it's so crazy, though.

You really you never hear about someone just getting busted with a little bit. Just a sprinkle. They've always got it all. I mean, how much is out there? Two terabytes is a lot. I bet there's a lot more than that. At least three. We live in a sad world. Yeah.

Full of pain. Yeah, it is crazy that they're packaging it like that. Dude, a kid. They're like. In bundles. Yeah, they're bundling it. Like they put it all in a terabyte together. Like it's not loose.

Like someone else has like taken the time to put a bow on it like a welcome basket someone drops that zip file you're like hey clear your schedule this shit's from the philippines dense ass package bro oh god it is crazy what a despicable crime it is it's so it's so bad especially if a brain surgeon just decides to make you like that one day. How good is that guy at his job? Yeah. Maybe he's the pervert. He's like, I just want someone to talk to. Yeah.

I just need a friend. I just want to give this terabyte to. He's burning a hole in my cargo shorts. Here you go. He slips his card into the guy's shorts as he's leaving. Into his head. He'll pull that out of your nose in about three weeks. It's crazy that you're like one wire from being crossed in your brain away from it though.

Like that he was on the verge of it and all it took was like, just like the red to blue wire, like you're diffusing a bomb and he was just in. It's insane. Yeah. I did hear about that guy though. Yeah. And then I think that he had like a pretty compelling court case i don't think he got around i don't think he got he did not trouble yeah because he like wasn't uh competent

to stay in trial for that yeah actually being a scrambled egg yeah yeah yeah they fucked him up bad also people who like get like i want to say it's ms and they all become like compulsive gamblers people get these weird brain diseases and all of a sudden it's like can't leave the casino really like alters their brain completely. It's insane. Maybe it's the medicine, but either way, there's all these old ladies who just blow their mortgages on slot machines and they're dying a very slow death where their bones become wood. And they have the oxygen and the cigarette in the casino and the moo-moo and the walker.

And the child porn. Is that a sign? Yeah, yeah, brain surgery it's like a fucking going home package like don't open this till you get home it's in a bag yeah this is a starter path don't open this until you get home like Like the Oscar baskets? Like we get at a bowl game when you're a college athlete. Subscription to Disney Kids? You're going to need that. You don't know why right now. That is fucking crazy.

24 hours. Does it not happen to women? Yeah, they all become hot teachers. Yeah, exactly. This is terrible. Is it just because they don't really know that much about computers? They don't know how to get a terabyte? yeah they all become hot teachers yeah exactly like everyone's like their students how this is terrible is it just because they don't really know that much about computers they don't know how to get a terabyte downloaded or like the digital divide yeah women pedophilia thank god bro they better thank their lucky stars i know dude i watched the movie women talking yesterday

because i was trying to check off all the oscar movies all the oscar movies and i've never felt so bad after watching a movie it made me feel so down depressed and sad i've never seen it it's so imagine 90 minutes of women talking that's all it was bro no bummed out after that yeah it was just such a fucking like oh man just a depressing mess of like i guess men are terrible i don't know but but they put a lot of crimes on all of us that maybe all of us didn't commit like it was like an sv episode episode yes out iced tea which is the only redeeming quality that movie was you watched it yeah because i wanted to do the same thing where i watched every one of the movies right and just be like okay i'm gonna make up my own opinion and i

really liked every movie and i felt bad about not liking this one because the premises or like the the title is even so like on the nose like oh you don't like this movie like you don't like women like you don't want women to talk like i wanted so badly for profiling reasons to like it, but I fucking hated it. Yeah. No. What is it about? Just women. It's like a, it's like a reclusive colony of women that like men are basically like drugging them and committing like a crime to them. And it's like every man is doing it and it's happening to every woman.

It's them kind of like comparing notes on how just depraved the acts that were committed against them are and then deciding what to do about it it's so and guess what they won't shut up about it yeah get over it what is this the bus good lord dude i saw that this weekend and then I went to the fucking Michael Jackson Broadway play where he fucking... Fucks kids. Yeah. He can't stop fucking eating Macaulay Culkin's ass on this fucking... Dude, have you guys seen that video of Macaulay Culkin pushing him off the diving board? No.

I just saw it the other day. Pushing Michael Jackson off? Yeah. No way. And then he jumps in and they're like playing in the pool. Really? Yeah. Just came up on my Reddit the other day.

Oh, you need to get offline. Yeah. What the hell? That's when you suggested Algo? Yeah. Who is filming that? Hey, Sass, you'll love this. Remember that Chechnyan beheading video that gave you a semi?

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like Nirvana's winning all these Grammys and they can't even sing or dance at all. And like, there's like these black women behind me that are like, mm-hmm. Like, I know that's right. Just like completely shitting on Kurt Cobain for fucking no reason. Dude, Kurt Cobain is dead

and never fucked any kids, and they're just taking time out of their busy play to fucking shit on Cobain. There was like a, or no, Kurt, he didn't, but he almost fucked a Down Syndrome girl. He did? I don't know. Yeah. That's why.

These are the least fun facts I've ever heard just keep coming out of you MJ the pool call him retard fucker when he was in high school yes dude I've never seen the Kurt Cobain documentary? So maybe the hate was justified in this fucking Michael Jackson play. No, no, no, but he didn't. To be fair, they also called me that. I love Kurt Cobain, but I think that he didn't fuck the girl. He almost did.

He went over the fucking left. Where's his parade? Where's his Broadway play? Broadway plays just throw me for a fucking loop though like the fact that they're just in the best case scenario just gonna do the same play tell the same story for 30

years straight like how fucking Cats or Phantom of the Opera or Chicago is just doing the same show for fucking years straight and people are still going and seeing it dude they're just lining up to see fucking Broadway shows. It's crazy that people would watch people

who perfected their craft. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that is nuts they moved tickets for Cats after people have had the same role for 20 years. Have you guys seen that video of the kid fucking the cat? Yes. And hey, I just want to end all rumors. It wasn't me.

Saw me fucking on the feline. It wasn't me. Saw me fucking on the feline. It wasn't me. I couldn't fit in there. I did not see this video, Sasha. No, I'm kidding. But I've seen all, I've seen the videos. They're no good.

There was the old one of the guy, the one Barstool posted of a guy like fucking a fish. And then that was like one of the early things that we had to take down. It was like Barstool was like frontal lobe developing where we're like, hey, maybe we shouldn't post everything that's submitted to us. It was like we self-policed that one and took down that video. Where did they post that? On the blog.

This was in 2016 around when you were getting married. I don't know if you remember it. Contextualize it personally. That was a big part of my bachelor party. And when when that went viral that was my first little taste of fame yeah that moved a lot of tickets for me uh so i want to say thanks but then they take it down it's like i worked it oh fuck no late show in kansas city this week god damn it all this fucking work just pulled the plug yeah oh no my life's been turned off yeah that is that was a fucking brutal time man you like banging people yeah i came in and get to the point where you're like give me that grouper at all you gotta be really sick or like

gotta be a post-brain surgery type thing yeah Yeah, exactly. Why couldn't I have gotten the CP one? Oh, fuck. Only turtles turn me on now? This sucks. They snap. Kids don't have teeth sometimes. I don't even want to fuck kids. I just want to fuck fish.

Yeah. God damn it. I knew I needed to get a better surgeon. Yeah. The guy who gets brain surgery just so he has an excuse. What? What? Hey, why are you getting brain surgery?

Because I'm committing the perfect crime. Yeah, I'm just scratching it. It's called plausible deniability, fellas. It's a clue. In the operating room. Oh, my God. That's fucking incredible. God damn it.

Dude, so, do you care if we talk about your book? Sure, man. I really appreciate you were talking about it. Yeah. People kept hitting me up. Yeah, it's phenomenal. I loved it.

It was like one of my favorite books. Thanks, dude. Yeah. I really like books about people just on the road. Yeah. And that's right down that alley. Yeah, for sure. It's really good.

That's nice of you to say. It is like a road novel. Yeah. People want to champion it as this or that, and it's like, no, you to say. It is like a road novel. Yeah. People want to like champion it as like this or that. And it's like, no, it's just seven days in a guy's life. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

I also like how short of a time span it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's all condensed. Like you get a good taste of his life in that seven days. Yeah. Yeah.

There's also fistfights in three ways. Yeah. Yeah. It's super good. Thanks, man. So you post something about your work, like there's a screenplay being yeah garth ennis the guy who did the preacher did preacher and the boys yeah who i've admired forever because his comic books are fucking awesome yeah he wrote the screenplay so nice

hopefully there'll be a movie soon or whatever that's awesome yeah that's super cool you're gonna make a bag off that well yes the world will see my magnum opus as well no no no bro that bag yes the bag you hear that baby you're not going anywhere your way out has come and gone yeah dude uh the movie hopefully will be out that'd be sick uh there are a lot of people like the screenplay has been well received and if the movie's good I can say

yeah I wrote that book and if the movie's bad I didn't write the fucking screenplay that's on someone else much like the man who gets brain surgery so he can fuck his daughter in front

I'm untouchable everyone yeah are you do you have any like are you working on any other books or anything yeah I've got another

I have a novella that's available on Audible. It's only on Audible. It was an Audible original called Attaboy. And then I have another book. I have two other books, but one that I'm about to finish, which is cool. Hell yeah. Yeah. You write a scene about a three-way.

How horny do you get when you're writing it? You should read the book, man. It cannot be a less horny three-way. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah yeah it's like a lady with the biggest fakest tits and like her husband who's like has a mullet you know sounds awesome and she's dancing to uh i think in that scene she's dancing to um fuck is it talking heads no it's roxy music it's it's a very bleak moment yeah i definitely wasn't there like

rock hard pingo jones i need to get a higher table yeah this dick's in the way right now hey baby take a picture yeah that's what i always wonder about like say a cartoonist can draw like a fantastic set oh and it's like he's probably drawn and then he's like i do yeah like a hentai dude is definitely like yeah getting horny to his own shit you're a hundred percent for yeah you're right and so like how about like an erotica guy like obviously what you're saying is it wasn't erotica and it wasn't intended to be this super sexual thing but you think erotica authors are just like like taking a break to like pound off 100 i think so but then there's also a lot of synonyms used in erotica

yeah it's like her quivering quim yelped for his seed you know and then you're like i already used seed on the last page i guess batch is batch going in here probably just type like i made her come and then they just do a grammarly recommended and just type the whole thing out i made her howl with lust yeah just refreshing a bunch of times she beckoned for my rod and i said come forth yeah i don't know dude i i don't read a lot of thoughts. She beckoned for my rod and I said, come forth. Yeah. I don't know, dude. I don't read a lot of erotica, but when you do read horny, like that Murakami guy who only writes about ladies' tits.

Right, right. Every book he writes just has a bunch of pages about just heavy hoots. Right. And it's like, this guy's a perv. Yes. This guy just wants chicks to dump him on his forehead. You know, he has a lot of, or I'm always on the- He was so hard during the end of it.

Yeah. He almost couldn't finish it. Yeah. Yeah yeah he just kept blowing through typewriter paper yeah that was actually the second draft because he put a hole in the first one we had to rewrite it from memory oh my god but i was uh uh i'm always on like the reddit of like men writing women, where it's just like dudes, yeah, her breasts, like boob, boobily or whatever. It's like tits don't heave. Babies heave when they throw up. Yeah.

Heaving is not a thing that tits do. And trust me, I've done the research on that. Exactly. I know everything they can do at this point. Exactly. Dude, you've been deep into the game. When did you get it into your head that you could write a book? When did that become a possibility?

I always wrote short stories and stuff. I lived in Vegas for two years when my wife was in her first years of med school. And it was 120 degrees outside. So you couldn't leave the house. Also, what am I going to do? Go to the casino and lose the $80 I have to my name? So I just sat down and was writing something else. And then the first chapter of my book came out of that.

And I was like, oh, I can write this guy. He's depraved and awful. So I don like sat down and was writing something else. And then the first chapter of my book came out of that. And I was like, oh, I can write this guy. He's depraved and awful. So I don't know. I didn't do the fucking Frankenstein. Yeah. Yeah. I was dabbing on that. I would have known what you were talking about.

Fucking Frankenstein is a cool new move. But yeah, dude. So it just like came it came out of me really quick because I was writing something I'm terrified of becoming as a comedian, just becoming this like ghost ghost this like fallen empire of a man uh so yeah yeah it is pretty horrifying and you're like young in the game dude you made it already dude you never have to go to wyoming yeah yeah oh i don't know after we like clip retard fucker out of context we're gonna fucking take him down real fucking fast. Well, you were quoting Kurt Cobain's friends.

No, no, we don't need that. We don't need that context. What were you saying about Nelson Mandela? I thought he was a good guy, but he disagreed. We're going to do a brain surgery after this. Yeah, we're just going to do three. Just make them quick.

The bundle of the... Yeah. It's all going together like someone playing speed chess, like going down our fucking brain to brain. Quick in and out. Fixing us real fucking quick. Someone that scratches the surface. Yeah.

Something light. You should be able to get something light. Damn, bro. Yeah, it's just a massive undertaking to write a book. It just seems like the fucking scariest shit of all time. It just seems fucking daunting. I wasn't swimming with sharks. I don't know, bro.

I was in my air-conditioned home high on reefer. But you could fucking punch a shark in the fucking face, you know what I mean? That's going to end one of two ways if you're swimming with sharks. You drown or you get eaten. Yeah, exactly. Either way, death. Yeah, there's way more possible outcomes if you're going to write your whole book. I write a thousand words a day.

And if that takes me eight hours, it takes me eight hours. If it takes me three and I want to keep writing, I'll keep writing more. But it's just like a discipline. That's all. Yeah. You know? That's awesome. Yeah.

I like it. If I had to choose comedy or writing, I'd probably choose writing because it's like a lot of fun to constantly be solving problems with your brain. And also, you never have to go to Boise if you're a writer. You know, you don't have to do a weekend in Tulsa. So that's good as well. One time I heard a writer talking about how. They don't shut up.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. The women talk. It wasn't Anne Lamont. We get it, Anne. As God was saying. It's a reference for no one yeah i laughed like i knew what you're talking about bro i did it but this guy was saying that he um he he was like so thankful whenever he could kill off a character because he could stop like

worrying about like the wants and needs of like a character like do you feel like a connection like that when you're writing like do you feel like you like a responsibility for like oh like is this what this person would want like is actually keeping you up at night or you're just really having fun with it no they're little clay figurines they're little puppets and they do what i want you just have an action figure fight when they're slamming against each other it's like i'm in control bitch yeah get in line well i don't want to spoil it but it is it it is a very easy way to end a book is just having a character die. Right. You know, because it's like a permanent ending.

And when I read books like that, I'm like, oh, yeah, endings are hard. Of course, you just kill them off. Like that's. Right. It's at least an end. Yeah. A lot of things don't end anymore. Yeah.

When I used to write like sketches all the time, it would just end in me killing myself every single time. I was like, this is the only way to end it I had no idea what else to do it's literally the only way it is the funniest thing yeah yeah be like this life of mine yeah not anymore yeah pull the rug on your own dumb ass yeah I remember

I remember we were here and we were like talking about writing sketches and we had a bunch of people in a room and I just kept on being like and then they should just kill themselves at the end everyone was like what the fuck is up with this guy like it was like week one here yeah he was like okay and then school shooters come in and like shoot everybody like i had a personal experience with that people were not happy with that idea i forget what the even the idea was i was like i think it just ended someone just like shooting all of us yeah yeah everyone was like that's you

i didn't think I was being a pussy about that. That killed my confidence for a while. I could tell that you were a crooked idea. I thought there were no bad ideas in here. I thought we were just spitballing. It was also a funny ass idea in my opinion. But it grinded

to a halt when you said that. It went to a quick halt. Because we were too close to you know just like people worrying about getting canceled for like sketches and like shit that they wrote you know what i mean like nobody wanted to do or say the wrong thing luckily we live in this country where everyone has been affected by tragedy you know what i mean yeah so you can do you can do a joke about anything and someone's like yeah a rhino raped my dad yeah yeah yeah and he did use the horn actually so not funny

filling out a comment card on this one the two horns one for my mom one for my dad the things you kids say just freaking imagine i'm a fucking that i'm a fucking grown-ass adult bro yeah that's not a condescending i'm sorry i just look so old and i assume you guys are i'm young rones i'm i'm 34 i'm 35 yeah see i apologize yeah not at all right see i value your experience and input thank you every time we have someone on this yeah yeah every time we have someone on this show everyone's like like we had like are you garbage on yeah and they were like fucking love are you garbage who the fuck are these little twinks though i'm like older than

them 34 i like i was doing shows with them in philly like fucking two decades ago it's a long ass fucking time ago yeah yeah i'm aged miraculously yeah it's uh very upsetting i don't know what it is what's gonna happen to you yeah i know you're on the road for 17 years you've got to be on the road yeah i don't i really don't know what don't don't agree with me too much bro i'm still a guest here i want the fucking i want gray hair so i can like have a fucking uh some signifier of being like i have life experience because like, I just know that I'm going to get two lines here and I'm just going to look like

an old fucking pervert. Like, I'm not, it's not going to, like, I want like a beard or I want some signifier that like,

I can be an adult. I'm going to be faceballed right here for the fucking rest of my life. Just like, a no patch of hair in like the one place that signifies manliness.

It's going to be like, tough for me. You got the cheeks though. You have cheeks you have cheeks you can probably grow a beard cheek hair is fucking like that's like something make people make fun of like i can't get i don't have any cheek hair but i can get down here and yeah you have a the rumor of a mustache growing oh yeah yeah you are gonna if you get this though you're just gonna have ventriloquist dummy head yeah that's what i mean it's gonna be fucking terrible it's just like gabbo like this fucking nasty ass line face on the side like i don't need that like i'm i'm in this nightmarish situation where i have to grow mutton shops that connect for this movie thing so now i'm just like growing this all out and i look like i was like

shipwrecked you know yeah i just have this like gray that came out of nowhere and it's hell. Now, gray beards are cool. Yeah, they're fire. I would kill for one. Yeah, when they're in. But when you're just prospector face. Look, I just came out of the woods to offer you ginseng. I don't look like people right now. Just on a fucking cart.

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There's like this, it's called the Baja 1000. It's a race from Tijuana to the bottom of Baja. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they're doing this like mockumentary of this guy who's actually competing. And I'm like his lawyer in the film. No way. Yeah. So I just have to like be on the Baja road race.

And then as soon as like we stopped to like get water or like dodge snakes, I have to be out and like riff. It sounds daunting as fuck. So you're like a script or you just got to go fully in. And everyone else who's in it besides my friend Nathan from my podcast, Chubby Behemoth, uh, we're both on there.

And, uh, if we have to like just be funny and everyone else is like a fucking mechanic you know and then they're like yeah they're funny people known these guys for a hundred years yeah it's like oh good i can't wait to fucking do yes and with a man who only knows how to inflate tires dude but it's a real life derby though yeah yeah that's fucking awesome it's cool and the guy who's Yeah yeah That's fucking awesome It's cool And the guy who's running it

Is this guy who's like a legend In that community Yeah So he knows what he's doing Is it low key dangerous? Like people die? I would say it's high key in fact And how fast are

Like you're Is there gonna be a function after? Yeah I hope my wife pulls up to it With a bunch of codeine I hope she pose out Some fucking We'll be in Mexico There'll probably be a bunch of codeine Bro you know that you some fucking we'll be in Mexico there'll probably be

a bunch of codeine bro you know that you can just go to the yeah these stores are the fucking pharmacies down there they're incredible las farmacias

las farmacias you can just literally buy anything fucking like I remember you bought all those Oxycontins right Oxycontin fucking Viagra

steroids bro you can literally like but they also don't have like a problem with all the shit there because it's just like so expensive it's just for like the white tourists that are coming down there yeah just the cartel pressing it up nice though they press those pills up those mexican xanax they say they're two milligram i think they're four oh they crazy one of those bars will put

you out all the way to france dude dude but also the heartburn medicine that they have down there is like it's like flushing like the only person ever buy that there no bro it's incredible going to mexico to pick up some heartburn medicine i guarantee that it's the best pepsi you've ever tasted in your it's like pouring fucking primer down it just like clears everything out a couple days of jalapeno margaritas with mezcal or some shit that'll fucking light your esophagus on fire and just one of these you're fucking good to go yeah dude it's fucking fire but so how fast are these dudes uh driving like it's a thousand miles in eight days jesus yeah and it's also like across the desert it's on the beach it's up and down

mountains like that's awesome it's just that big peninsular strip of Baja Mexico so do you have to drive along like the whole thing pretty much I'm in like the support vehicle yeah

yeah and then they're gonna be like alright we have a 10 minute break everyone else go piss and eat Sam can you riff on the playa yeah

look at those birds over there we can do something funny with them yeah check out this guy he's great yeah he's gonna do something

about the birds I guarantee you he's incredible the clown muy divertido el gordo muy divertido yeah it's good i mean it's a night it'll be fun it'll be an adventure but is it on like roads at all? Is there a risk of like, you're not getting pulled over or anything like that? No. And like, from what I've been told, the cartel is a big fan of this event. Really? It's a good thing for Mexico. So it's like a very safe in that regard situation.

But yeah, you're just like going over ruts in like a, I think we're going in like a 78 Oldsmobile because they like, this is the one where they bring their own cars. So it's going to be, it's going to be daunting to say the least what the fuck is that that's uh April 27th until April 29th until May 5th something like that damn yeah damn bro how did you get roped into that some guy saw me do stand-up what although all the ways that all the good things and bad things have ever happened to me honestly someone saw me do 20 at comedy works in denver he would crush at this derby he would crush at this mexican derby well i like riff a lot on stage yeah try to improvise as much as possible so like he saw that and i'm very grateful to be involved yeah thank you thank you yakahoma racing

but uh if everybody like if if the uh if the support vehicle can keep up with the vehicle that's like vying to win this that's my question dog yeah like going as fast yeah that's what i mean like what be there to give support he was like don't worry you're not in the actual car you're in the support vehicle like how far away is the support vehicle four hours and the support vehicle is just a shittier car than the racing car it's not even built to go that fast i just had this conversation with my buddy who's going to be one of the camera guys and he was like yeah but like we have to be right there and i was like oh fuck you're right bonzo what a good one a guy named bonzo is the voice of reason in this situation

bonzo we call them bonzos in third grade that's sick damn dude shout out to bonzo shout out to bonzo anthony vante sandron son Anthony Vontae Sandron, son of Donzo, son of Momzo. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Donzo, Monzo,

and Bonzo. His dad used to come over and get all stoned at our like first apartment in Denver. He'd get out his mandolin and be like, all right,

Sam, I know you play drums. Let's get out those pots and pans. We would just sit there with Donzo as he's the highest fan alive, like trying to get us to do Neil Young covers.

This is ridiculous. That's kind of sweet though. And now me and his boy are going to be in the desert for a week. Dude, I hope you don't... Die, bro. Please don't die. Hey, man. Is there a better way to go out? Well, if it's fast, yeah. If you just, like, explode

in a fucking 78 Oldsmobile or whatever, that would be sweet. Going out post-riff? Uh-huh. He didn't get to finish the riff. he was just about to talk about the birds i think he had something funny about the tacos he was about to do that'd be fun it'd suck if like the last thing he said fell flat yeah yeah we can take it again. Car explodes. No. They cut you out of the movie. Nunca. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I think I have to do some of it in Spanish. My Spanish is fairly weak. Damn. Where'd you learn your Spanish? College? High school? Or just being... I learned...

I took eight years of Spanish in high school and college, and then I learned the most Spanish working in a kitchen. In a kitchen, yeah. Yeah. No, I never had the benefit of working in a kitchen i i i used duolingo every day for a year uh but also like i went and got my degree from metro state university shout out roadrunners last may and i needed like eight credits and i took a spanish class okay so you got a little bit yeah no muy fuerte mis palabras no fuerte you guys said my words are not strong but you got a little bit. Yeah. No muy fuerte. Mis palabras no fuerte. I said my words are not strong.

But you got a good classroom Spanish. It sounded good to me though. Gracias. Si, si, si. Gracias. Mi hijo. Hijo, my little boy. My son.

Oh, hell yeah. Yes, yes. I guess Nino would be little boy. Hijo de mi verga, I think, is like son of my balls. Son of my balls, yeah. Yeah, something like that. Chupa mi verga, suck my dick. Yeah, suck my dick.

Like, that's that kitchen Spanish I'm learning. They teach you that in class, or you got to... You get to do that in the kitchen. Yeah, yeah. They teach you that. They teach you all the swears right away. Yeah. And you can only talk to them in other, like, awful slurs, you know?

And it's like, we're getting along. And you try and do that at, like, someone's they're like nobby yeah yeah yeah the dudes who taught me that when i worked in the kitchen were all these uh they were all sub five foot from puebla mexico and they were like the coolest rowdiest fucking dudes and one of them named alfonso had a fucking beautiful ass ponytail yeah and a bus boy came in one time and fucking yanked a ponytail while he was washing dishes dude alfonso turned around and kicked the kid square in his balls dude he fucking teed off and fucking punted this like maybe 16 year old kid right in the balls dude you don't fuck with alfonso you don't fuck with mexicans and you definitely don't fuck with

dudes from pueblablo, bro. Especially their ponytails. Not the ponytail. That's the source of their strength. Hands off me, Peludo. See, bro? You know your Spanish. Seems like you're pretty strong with the Spanish. I'm trying, guys. Mi Peludo. I'm going to learn the hard way

down in Baja. But I'll have all those muscle relaxers in me. Heartburn medicine. I're going to have medicine. Good. I'm going to get that brain surgery. I'm going to hit the heartburn medicine. I'm just going to be swimming in carnalitas.

Tripping balls off the fucking heartburn medicine. My wife was like, you know, when you're down there, if you want to like go to a brothel, I don't care. She's always trying to get me to go to brothels. No, no, she did it. Yeah, she did. Like when I went to I went to Paris with like my friends and she was like hey if you guys want to get a sex worker go crazy first of all it's not going to be you guys it's not going to be me in

the squad yeah just filling up every hole and also no i love you you're tight yeah exactly yeah and this is like what does she mean by that is she testing you no no she doesn't care she's cool what the hell the? My wife is the coolest. She's like, it's just, it's an exchange if you want to do that. We were in Tokyo together and they have blowjob parlors. And she's like, do you want to go in? I'm like, no, I'm here with you. What?

I don't want to get sucked off by a slave when I'm on vacation with my wife. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, fuck. It's not the most romantic. Yeah. Not a slave. I want a willing participant.

Right. I don't want someone drugged up. I signed a contract with you, honey. It's not the most romantic. Yeah. I'm not a slave. I want a willing participant. Right. I don't want someone drugged up. I signed a contract with you, honey. Damn. Is she looking for a quid pro quo or what? Is she like waiting for you to be like, hey, like if you want to hit up the fucking Deuce Bigelow stand. The guy brothel.

Yeah. If you want to go to the fair and find the guy with the biggest corn dogs. Yeah. No, I think that I wouldn't mind if she uh had a cash for pleasure interaction with a woman at all i would not mind that in the least in fact i might live stream it that's what the scene in your book was about yes yes you know what now that i think about it i when i did was writing the book thing there was a scene where he has sex, like on like a diaper changing station in a bathroom. And that was like a real memory of mine.

And there was a little bit of tectonic movement. Oh yeah. It's doing that. Cause I was like, that was pretty cool. Well, it's probably a good gauge of if you're writing well. Well,

like if you start getting hard off the written word, it's like, okay, this is pretty good shit. No, I agree with that because I feel like any, like, like a book, like I was like, like towards the end, I was like, this is pretty good shit no i agree with that because i feel like any like like a book like i was like feel like towards the end i was like this is pretty like i was getting emotional yeah and i'm like that's pretty good writing if it can make someone like feel

emotions yeah right especially and horniness i think is an emotion horniness big time yeah i think it surpasses emotion it's a primal urge thing. Look, I want to fuck this book. Can I put that on the back? I need to blurb. A little Sasquatch. I wanted to fuck this book. But how would you do it, though? Do you think you'd cut a hole in the middle and fuck through? Open it up.

Or just open it up and close it? Just keep slamming it? You have hardcover? It comes out the other side. Just leave it hardcover I didn't say I'm sorry to step on that

yes no only soft covers people yeah exactly no shame in it and if you're really ornery you figure out how to fuck the audio book I read it on a kindle

that would be tough to fuck do you like kindle I actually love the kindle and I know some people don't because a lot of people like to read with a book in their hand

owning the physical object but I I never really got into reading until I got a kindle and I know some people don't because a lot of people like to read with a book in their hand but I never really got into reading until I got a Kindle and then I would at night I would read because it has like and it doesn't have the blue light so it's like you can read and still fall asleep but you do like to you do like to get spotted reading and there's no like you don't

someone can't see the cover of you know what I mean I've read in public one time and it was on the train with you. Yeah, I caught his ass. He was like, book out to the entire train car so everybody could see. Holding it up like this. It's upside down. A little reading.

Licking his face. And it wasn't on the subway. It was on like the Amtrak. Oh, that's where you go to read. For a five hour bus. Yeah, yeah. A five hour train ride. It was the fall.

It was having fucking a glass of wine he was wearing a scarf it fucking looked incredible right exactly page to page he was switching eyes it was fucking incredible the candle was great i was reading for a lot of people yeah and also you can like highlight you can highlight quotes i know yeah and then they just go right onto your phone on the goodreads thing what's your ratio of you said you write uh like between three and eight hours a day you said yeah i mean i'll write until i have a thousand words and sometimes that takes eight hours and what's your reading hours to writing hours ratio bro it sucks man i love reading so much i love reading novels but when i'm writing a book i read like the same three novels so that I know how like writing should sound.

I know how the pacing of it, the meter, the rhythm and like, yeah, like my fucking reading time. And then I'll like, I'll be like, I'll read on the airplane. Cut to me on the airplane. Yeah. You know, just done for. What, uh, what, like, what are like your favorite like authors? Dennis Johnson, Cormac McCarthy, Carson McCullers, Flannery O'Connor, uh, Sinan Jones.

These are all like goats for sure. Nice. Yeah. I mean, obviously respect to like, you know, uh, fucking Faulkner Hemingway, all those dudes. Yeah. Uh, yeah. I just love, I love contemporary novels, man.

There's a new guy named, uh, uh, Atticus Atticus Lish wrote a fucking banger about, uh, a guy with PTSD and like deep queens trying to get head from like this chinatown party it's crazy dude that's just like crying crying while i'm reading this thing about just he's just trying to get his his trying to get it in with this lady damn and it's just like him like dealing with the struggles uh nico walker wrote that book cherry that got turned into that bad movie about bank robbery. He really cut out every adjective. I just love books. And you know what?

I'm sorry. I hate this part of any podcast. I love books, man. And people are like, what a pretentious fucking turd this guy is. And it's like, I'm sorry. That's weird as fuck for someone to call it pretentious. But it sounds pretentious. It sounds like braggy when you say, oh, yes, I read.

People just take that as like, oh, so you don't play Madden? It's like, I love Madden. I would love to play Madden. Yeah, Madden's dope. I've got hours left in my life to play Madden, though. Exactly. You already admitted you love sports and you gamble on UConn basketball, bro. You have the fucking, you have enough bandwidth.

Yeah, you don't need to play Madden. Madden also fucking sucks ass. It sucks now, right? Madden's terrible. I played it against my brother in the R recently and I think that he like put up 70 on me in like three quarters. Yeah, it sucks. I played it with you know LaMare Lee? Yeah, yeah. I played it with him.

We played for maybe five minutes and he was up like seven touchdowns. I was like I'm not playing this anymore. Yeah, that shit is not sweet. They're not playing football anymore. No. They're playing they've hacked the game. Yeah. And they know how to run the same fucking swing pass. Exactly. And when I play, I'm strictly a Hail Mary guy. Oh, you're tossing up the pro.

I only go Hail Mary. And you suck. Then when you play against people who actually know how to play, they're like, you're never going to catch the ball because I actually know how to play. Damn, you just gave it away, too, in case you ever fucking play anymore. I'm never going to play again. I only play Call of Duty, really. Never be able to run it back.

Dude, you talked about the meter and rhythm of writing that you like. What do you think are some tenets of that? What's good pace for writing? You know what I mean? Should it be short sentences? Should it be like, you know what I mean? What's some things that characterize good meter for writing you have to change it up i think like i there's the classic trapping of just like the

five word sentences like he did this like and that's like some people think that's like masculine and tough and rugged but i think that if you're doing that over and over again it's unremarkable and like that pile of bricks you think you have does not build a nice building so you need to have like you need to have like a nice solid foundation to build the house, but you need like the, the sweeping doorways, you know, you have to put some fucking ornamentation. Yeah, exactly. And that's when you have the paragraph that is one sentence and goes on for a third of

a page. Like you got to freak it out, get nasty, flip it around. Interesting. Slap it on the ass. Yeah. Slap it. Good morning, Vietnam. Slap your cock on top of it yeah

you gotta put your shot a couple times yeah keep slamming yeah yeah that kindle must be difficult yeah just spinning the kindle on top of your hard dick like a basketball that's the fucking sweet georgia brown i know what you're going for can we put in the globetrotters team right there but it is one of those things when you read it, you know it. And the more you read, the more you can tell something's good. Or if it's like just faking the funk. Because I think that's an interesting thing about writing a book. It's like not only considering how you write the story, but how you write the story.

You know what I mean? Not just what the story is, but how you're saying the story or how you're telling the story, which I feel like is one of the more daunting tasks. Why fighting a shark is a little bit easier than writing a book. Yeah. And like, also, I love the lyricism of prose. Like if I was just trying to write like a page turner or like, you know, just like a crime novel, like your Dan Brown type situation where it's like, here's the plot.

I'm going to get there as quick as possible. Like that's one thing. But like I wanted the book to sing because I wanted it to sound like the books that i like and those are written by people who have a mastery of words into sentences into paragraphs into pages and i really love that shit man that's what gets me fired up and i think that as a drummer the best thing that i know how to do is how how it sounds rhythmically you know what i mean that's my biggest strength in that book i think totally yeah it's a nice little job yeah it was like yeah the writing was phenomenal thanks it was like because i was i mean i so i saw you open for tim yeah in new york at the beacon beacon yeah and

i think i started reading your book well we actually have another dude who works on this show but he's not he's doing something else right now, I guess. But he recommended the book to me. Nice. Shout out to him. Yeah. Connor Mook. Connor. The Mook man.

The Mook man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he's never heard any of that before. No one's ever grunted and howled at him. He's pretty positive. He'll like it.

He'll love it. He'll enjoy that. He'll want some more of it. Yeah. But yeah, I read it and I was a little like, like, oh, this is a book a book written by a comedian i was like i wonder if it's going to be any good and then i was like oh this is like a legit book thanks man yeah a lot of people did not have their hopes up that it was going to be any kind of like uh entry into the overall literary canon yeah yeah i just wanted people i wanted comics to read it and be like this sounds real and i want people who like

books to read it and be like these are pretty pages and i think that i pulled that off somehow and i'll be chasing that fucking dragon for the rest of my life with every other book that i publish yeah fuck yeah yeah that's awesome though to at least have something to fucking chase you know also dude fuck you publishing you could have put that book out i had a literary agent any of y'all could have put it out and now look at me i'll never need you again ah yeah oh yeah they didn't publish it oh dude they offered like five thousand dollars and the literary agent was like just sell a hundred copies on your website you'll make more than that and now here we are let's fucking go what time is it it's time for you guys to fucking rot and die off

all right bitch um sorry to get fired up there guys no I'm with you bro I also I don't know anything about big publishing but I have an axe to grind against them now too just in solidarity with you

vendetta homie yes bro fuck big publishing fuck them little bitches I think that's like a white supremacist thing I just said

I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way that's okay people don't know people really don't know I put an 88 on a jersey recently because it's the year I was born. And they're like, oh, Heil Hitler, huh? How many points did you have?

14? Yeah. They were all my fucking ass. Oh, yeah. Were people actually mad at you? Yes. They were like, you see, they were like showing me like the SS like fucking correlation between like, I don't know.

88. H is the eighth letter. Yeah. Yeah. HH. Yeah. I don't know. I guess I eighth letter yeah yeah hh yeah i don't know i guess i'm more supremacist now that's crazy shoe fits were you a big were you uh nice nice segue were you a big norm fan oh the biggest yeah he's the best of all time because he yeah his part in the book was amazing thanks yeah and i was just saying that i was just watching

the hitler thing that he did. Yeah. The one where he's like, I didn't even know he was sick. Right. Yeah. It's the funniest fucking joke, dude. Yeah. Fucking Norm is the greatest.

Yeah. And recently I befriended Adam Eget from the Norm podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just like hearing him tell Norm stories. I never met him. I don't know if he read the book, but.

I read Norm's book. Another. Not another. That is a towering work of fiction. Yeah. Beautiful. I'm not comparing mine to his at all. The Adam stuff in that is so fucking funny.

It is. But also there's another book that like, you could tell that he read all the fucking Russian masters. Oh yeah. Because it's, you know, underneath the conceit of this fake memoir is just a beautiful classically written novel, dude. Yeah. Yeah, what a fucking...

My favorite part about that book is when he's talking about when he's working at SNL and Sarah Silverman is dating David Tell. Yeah. And he's hiring a hitman to kill David Tell. Yeah. Yeah. This is one of the funniest jokes ever. He's talking about when he was working at SNL that there was a wage gap between men and women.

And he's talking about Sarah Silverman and like Norm made whatever amount of money and Sarah Silverman made way less. And he's like, women make a 70% of what men make. And he's like, and Sarah Silverman was a hell of a woman. So she made 20% of what men made. and Sarah Silverman was a hell of a woman so she made 20% of what men made.

I also love in that book when he has to go seal clubbing with that boy. That's just a little adventure he goes on in there. Read that book. And also read the audio book on that because he reads it. Oh really? I didn't even know that. Did you read yours?

No, I had like Tim Dillon, Ari Shaffir, Chris Gethard. So that's a fucking star-studded cast. and some of them were better than others like god bless burke kreischer taking time out of his busy schedule to read a chapter in my book but you know it's uh the word to come carry is not easy to read you know what i mean and he botched it all four times you know you sat there with them or what no no these people i would just i hit them up and they were so gracious mark maron doug stanhope god damn fucking star-studded cast man that's star i'm reading stanhope's book right now which one uh the memoir digging up mother no no i think that was his first book right yeah i'm reading the second one

this is not fame or like no love for the donkey or something yeah yeah he changed my life yeah he's the fucking god i love him and it went from him being like i'm reading sam town's book he's the best uh and i went down and hung out with him and now stanhope will call me and i'll be like like it's so crazy how like two years ago i was like anointed by the hand of god and now it's like oh stanhope yeah all right i'll call him back that's hilarious i don't only read comedians books by the way it seems what books what other books do you like i like uh i mean i read a lot of like the beat generation stuff that's like what got me like road novels yeah yeah you've read on the road i've read on the road have you read dharma bums i did

yes bro yeah that's the heat right there i read uh dharma bums i started big sir but i didn't like it that one is so that one that's like post fame i think he was really into like alcoholism at that point yeah it's him being drunk and alone yeah and it's you can kind of tell that it was like like it seemed like he was just trying to use big words for the sake of being like i'm smart yes and it was like dude none of this makes sense and you just described you being on a hill for 45 pages. I know, dude. Oh, that one is, it's tough to hear the guy whose brain has become mush from booze. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a punch-thrown boxer trying to get back in there, you know? It's like, you don't have it anymore. Yeah. On the Road was a movie that I thought was not great. It sucked. Yeah, they really fucked that movie up. How do you blow it? I know. It's got chicks, it's got drugs.

Who is it, Kristen Stewart? Who's in the movie? Kristen Stewart's in it. She plays Mary Lou. Hey. Just want to say hello. If she's ever a sex worker in Japan on the other side of a blowjob hole. Hey Kristen, if things go completely wrong for you,

look me up. My wife's into it too. There's room for one more. We got a California king. That's extra wide, brother. Yeah, that movie was terrible. Embarrassingly so. I'm trying to think if I watched an interview with someone, it was, maybe it was, what's Dean Moriarty's real name?

Neil Cassidy. Neil Cassidy's wife. What's Dean Moriarty's real name? Neil Cassidy. Neil Cassidy's wife. She did like an interview about the movie because she was still alive when it came out. And she was like, they fucked up every character. Yeah.

They were like, he was like, no one was like that in real life. Yeah. You mean that novel wasn't true to form? No, I think like the novel was. I think they fucked up. No, I'm not saying you. I'm saying that about her. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, hey, lady who took drugs for 40 years and was married to a madman who didn't sleep.

Yeah. Sorry he was misrepresented. Yeah, oh, hey, lady who took drugs for 40 years and was married to a madman who didn't sleep. Yeah. Sorry he was misrepresented. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if it was the real Neil Cassidy, it's just him like murmuring to himself as he's driving the bus for 40 hours. Yeah, he's – dude, the videos of him where he's just like, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah, it's like – Like, holy shit.

Like, this guy has the biggest dick in the game and that's why they let him in the squad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because he wasn't a great writer at all. No, fuck no. His shit sucks, dude. Yeah. Oh, my God. great writer at all. No, fuck no. His shit sucks, dude. Yeah. Oh, my God.

It's so bad. And they're all like amazing writers. And it's just this one dude who just sucked. Yeah. But is like always high. And they're like, he's the fuck. We love him. We worship him.

And he was like the actual tough guy. Yeah. Because he's Colorado. You know, Kerouac came to Colorado after he went to the Ivy League. Yeah. He was in New York, right? He was about, you know, Everyone wants to hold him up as, oh, he came from nothing.

What a fucking countercultural revolution. There are people that don't like those books because they're like, well, no one could do what he did unless you had... Whatever. People gotta quit giving a shit about stuff. Watch the movie, read the book, laugh at the joke.

Come on. Why do so many of those counter countercultural like uh psychopaths wind up in colorado though i think it's because i-70 and i-25 both go through that which is also the same reason we have like a very ripe homeless population yeah it's like those are the two highways over there you got 40 down below and 80 above but yeah like that cross section and also it's pretty and also once you get to Denver, then you have to drive through the mountains. And that shit's scary. Oh, so you just want to stop right there.

I grew up driving through I-70. That shit is horrifying every time. God forbid it's nighttime. God forbid it's snowing or raining. Because then you're just like, you're going to follow your doom. Dude, it's really scary. Yeah. It's really.

I mean, my buddies were out. We did it. One of my friends lives in Denver. Yeah. And we did a hike out there. And we were coming back and we were all mean, my buddies were out. We did, one of my friends lives in Denver and we did a hike out there and we were coming back and we were all like exhausted, like falling asleep. And my buddy was driving and I was like, he's going to fall asleep while driving. We're just going to send off of a cliff right now.

Full send as they say. Yeah. They still say that, right producer? Of course. Youthful producer. Yeah. You there boy. What day is it?

I just got dickens. Fuck, dude. Yeah, dude, that shit is scary. So I think that some people get there and they're like, I'm going all the way to San Francisco. And then they're like, they get to like Idaho Springs and they're like, Denver it is. That's where the real jazz cats hang, you know. Some crazy shit or just crazy people out in Denver. Oh, some crazy people with a gun out there, bro.

People love to have their fucking guns out there. Yeah, we do. Yeah, you do. You got any straps? Fuck yeah, dude. You ever bring them to the function? That's going to be the clip. I'm going to hear so much shit about this shit.

No one is going to know. No one is going to know this. My friends who watch this are going to be up my ass. They're going to have t-shirts when I get home that said she pulled up to the function. You're just lining up codeine bottles and shooting them with your guns at the function. Yeah, when they're empty. Fuck yeah, dude. You don't want that liquid gold running out.

No. What kind of guns do you have? I have a shotgun, and then there's a handgun in the house as well. Fuck yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I think it's just, it's a responsible thing to have at this point, in this moment in history. Out there, yeah.

I got one. I have an open carry license. Oh yeah? Can we see it? He brings that bitch on the subway. He holds it up with the books in the other hand. I'm multifaceted, everybody. I'm everything all at once.

You have big hands, by the way. Who does? You. Big ass paws. I do. You fucking held that thing up earlier to do the reading act out? Damn, bro. Jesus Christ, Sass. No one's ever said that about me before.

You got no strangling mitts. I got really long fingers. Yeah, you do. No, I got sweaty palms, bro. Every time I pick it up, there's like a puddle in this fucking fake leather chair. I mean, any amount of sweat. There's no residual moisture when I touch this. Yeah, you're fucking have the appropriate amount of moisture in my hands.

Yeah, my big palms, tiny finger. Not even dry. Oh, yeah, you do have big palms. Big palms. Ooh, that's like a steak, bro. That's like a filet mignon palm. I know. That's beautiful.

Thank you. That's nice of you to say because they've been did that help with the drumming yeah I got meaty hands yeah so the stick gets right in here you know yeah digs in yeah when was the last time you drummed on a stage on a stage maybe

the high plains comedy festival three years ago okay the band I was in played but oh no I'm just in the basement fuck yeah yeah but we need a drummer for uh this played but oh no i'm just in the basement fuck yeah yeah but we need a drummer for uh this this uh gig that i'm doing in fucking uh i think it's september or something like that frankie you can't go to it oh why is it out of the country no it's like it's in delaware right yeah it's in delaware it's at this it's called the oceans calling festival i have never performed in delaware it's the only state i've never performed in that's weird let's get you

down to delaware it's at the oceans it's like this festival on the fucking on a beach or some shit like drumming do you need though uh like pop punk type music it's right in my wheelhouse yeah that type of shit yeah yeah it's a big festival yeah i grew up playing like hardcore music and shit so we're like probably hold it down yeah yeah you definitely could like this is fucking compared to some hardcore shit this this is definitely fucking easy. Yeah. We're the tiniest name on the day of the festival. But the biggest one is John Mayer on that day,

but the tiniest one is us. You guys play at, like, 11.30 a.m.? Yeah, yeah. On, like, the beach. Yeah. There's going to be, like, kids, like, getting, like, sunscreen applied to their face as we try and shred.

As you're tuning up. Yeah. It's going to be the funniest one. You're complaining about that kind of stuff now? Because you're, like, when you were a kid, you're tuning up yeah it's gonna be funny to complain about that kind of stuff now because you're like when you're a kid you're like if i was ever on this flyer and i got to play on the beach i would have made it it'd be incredible like uh we're the littlest name the tiniest name a bitch and looking to give horse in the mouth when we like definitely don't even deserve to be on this this festival oh don't say that no no it's a fact and i've come to grips with it but it's just funny to to be like like tiny ass fucking name this is bullshit i was really happy when i heard that it was sublime

with ron i was like this rules yeah it's like that's a big one it's me and sublime bro 40 ounces to freedom bro that joke hasn't been made yet i don't think so what producer what are you what are you producing over there? Sublime with Rome. That's fucking incredible. Sublime with Rome is awesome. You ever see them? I think that's what he's joking about. I know he's joking about that.

I saw Sublime. I saw the real Sublime. Damn. When? I was a child, man. I must have been really young. They played it like Fiddler's Green. I think I was like nine years yeah. Damn, when? I was a child, man. I was like- You must have been really young. They played it like Fiddler's Green. I think I was like nine years old. Damn, that's crazy.

Yeah, my dad was hip, man. Yeah, he sounds hip as hell. Because they weren't big at all then, right? They had some pretty big breakthrough success right around when I was in sixth or seventh grade. Like, that fucking 40 Ounce to Freedom album was on the radio all the time. That was my MySpace name, bro. Yeah, yeah. Like, what I got was everywhere yeah they were like set to they were with like gwen stefani

and shit for a while yeah yeah it's so funny that now they're like a meme they're like a punchline but like they're hard as hell slapped it's like my older brothers who drank my my friend's older brothers who drank 40s would listen to like a ton of sublime that's how i learned about it through them like oh this is the worst weed yeah the most disgusting weed at like a field at like three in the afternoon while dudes played frisbee and shit like that i don't cry when my dog runs away i'm fucking loving life he's just waiting for his ruka when will the ruka get here fuck yeah bro have you guys seen that video of uh of the fucking if this is another guy fucking an alligator no no he'll be very upset you guys have seen pineapple express right yeah you know in the beginning when bill hater is doing the weed testing yeah have you seen like

the actual video that that's based on i don't think i just i just saw this the other day it's fucking hysterical they like inject a dude with like straight THC. Oh no. And he's like in like a lab and they're just asking a bunch of questions and they're like, they're like frustration. And he just keeps going, not at all. Every answer is just not at all. So he was chill. He didn't spaz? No, he didn't spaz at all. Wow. And then they were like sleepy and he just goes a little, dude, it's so fucking funny. And they're like, we can't let the public get their hands on this. He's a little sleepy.

Shut this down. Shut this shit down and beets. Our scientists are saying he's feeling irate. We can't let anyone anywhere near this shit. That's hilarious. Bro, I just noticed that you have two different socks on bro I hate to call you out bro

the ribbing is a little bit differently on both of your socks you see how the one's a little bit thicker ribbed and then the other one is a little bit more fine ribbing well what can you do if I took them off if I took them off you'd be able to see that they look exactly the same but we did some fine ribbing today dude I think

that we did an incredible job i really appreciate you being here guys thank you so much i took a blast yeah you're never met either of you you made me feel very welcome like likewise besides your fucking hands producer you need that pat down champ check you as soon as you came in fucking credit card swiped up between your balls saying what that's new i'm just glad that you could see them and feel them. Usually they spend a lot of time subterranean. Love it. So what's the name of your book?

My book is called Running the Light. It's available at samtalent.com. You can follow me on Instagram at samtalent, T-A-L-L-E-N-T. And I just had a don't tell comedy 15 minute set come out. Yeah, I watched it. That was hysterical. Thanks, man. You can watch that on their YouTube and listen to my podcast Chubby Behemoth. And you can buy

tickets for any of his shows on the website. When does this come out? Tomorrow. Wednesday. Wednesday, yeah. Hey, have you ever made this mistake where you add the second show after the first one sells out immediately? And then no one comes to the second one? Yeah, so Union Hall, the first one, moved quick. Still tickets available for that second one.

It's Thursday, March 30th, Union Hall, New York. I also love saying there's still tickets available, and I'm like, all the tickets are still available. Yeah, like you're doing them a favor. Three tickets have been sold. You're right. It's so funny when you see someone post, they're moving quick, get them now.

That means no one. It's not even posted on that one. If they're moving quick, you're not posting anything. Yeah. So yeah, just thank you for having me. Thank you. Of course.