Son of a Boy Dad - Poppers and Cheesesteak Drugs feat. Ian Fidance - Son of a Boy Dad: Ep. 96

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

Ian Fidance joins the show to talk about everything poppers, smoking cat nip, growing up at punk shows, life as a traveling comic, and more. Very funny episode, enjoy. Ads: Hellofresh Go to https://barstool.link/HellofreshSOABD and use code son21 for 21 free meals + free shippingYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What is up, everybody? Welcome back to Son of a Boy Dad podcast. Today it is January 10th. We just talked about what date it was. I know, but I was distracted by the sound.

We're here in the Barstool studio. Big time. Big time studio. Big time podcasting. And it's the playoffs. We haven't recorded an episode in like a month. Is that true?

Yeah. Yeah, we banked three. I forget what we're doing. Damn. What is this show about? I owe an apology to Smitty. One of the last times we recorded, I didn't give him the true

The true credit that he deserved Yeah And he deserves He deserves credit I didn't like how that clip came off Of me talking shit on Smitty Smitty's the goat dude Smitty's hilarious

He is very funny Smitty's the fucking He's the man He's a sneaky goat He's sneaky goated And I think he's He actually He's my

Going into 2023 He's my sneaky goat Of all the barstool offices. You have any sneaky goats? Myself. You were saying Carl too. Carl, yeah. Me and Carl. Two goats.

Sneaky. Sneaky goats. Sneaky goats. I, we got Ian Fidance coming in. Yes, sir. Have you ever met Ian Fidance? No, I don't think I have he's a very energetic person

I'll match his energy no you won't I think it's hard to match that energy he's very energetic nice guy though he's bringing us donuts what the fuck that's awesome how many of you are there

and I said one all the donuts are for me. Four for me, none for you. You do not need any donuts. I know. I've actually, I've quit drinking again. So that's good. Hell yes. Can we get the compilation going? Yeah.

And I am back in the gym. Add it to the compilation? Yeah. No, I'm not drinking until Friday. Holy fuck, dude. How are you going to do it? Well, I'm not drinking until Friday. Holy fuck, dude. How are you going to do it? Well, I'm just not drinking on the weekdays anymore again. No, I can already see it in your face how you're changing. You look like more bright and like bushy eyed.

I know. And I've been going to bed earlier, waking up earlier. Yeah, you have that glow back, dude. Washed my sheets. I can tell that you're more focused. You have the clean sheet focus. I do feel focused. More focused than ever.

Yeah, you made a video. I know. I was in grind mode. What the fuck was that all about i don't know i really wanted to make a video and get my engagement up but uh dude i hate posting it posting on instagram scares me for some reason because i just got so many fucking heaters on there so you're you can't you feel like you can't match it no you you really have no competition except for the old you. I know. The old me was really funny. I know. I don't know what happened.

Not at all. Because usually when people get more depressed, they get funnier. Like usually that's how it works. Yeah. You're getting more depressed. No, I'm not getting more depressed. If anything, I'm growing as a person and just breaking through the barriers of mental health every day. We're very close to just pivoting to inspirational content

that's where i've been at i was on r slash motivation the other night like i'm gonna just start making motivation videos so lame why what did you see on there oh it was like there's like three million people in the reddit and then i like it came up on my thing and i clicked on it and uh every post is just exactly what you would think it would be like hyenas drinking by like the bed of the nile river or and then I like it came up on my thing and I clicked on it and uh every post is just exactly what you would think it would be like hyenas drinking by like the bed of the Nile River or something like that yeah with a post over lions are asleep for 20 hours a day but what they do in those four hours that they're awake it's like no dude you have severe depression and that's

what's causing you to sleep that much graphics with lions and text in front of them are not gonna fix you yeah you're not the lion king bro are not going to fix you. Yeah, you're not the lion king, bro. You're going to Burger King. Yeah, it's a whole different vibe. That's hilarious, though. What had you going in there? Like, oh, let's just see what kind of motivation they're giving out. It just came up on my Reddit. Oh, it's just in the... Yeah.

I wish my Reddit knew me a little bit better. I think it was on Popular, the Popular page. Was it good-ass motivation? No, it was terrible. But three million people are still in there oh yeah and they're all like ride or die motivation fans i'm on a fucking i'm becoming a person i hate i got a fucking water bottle that i carry oh yeah i know i saw that i noticed that when i was walking back to my desk i was like what the fuck is that i know i don't know why it has had me way more hydrated but but I hate it about myself. Well, we have like a thousand of these.

I know, but- Just go plastic, bro. Like I use this on the weekends. I use this all the time. So just bring a couple of those home for the weekend. I still crack them and pour them out into the sink just so I can continue to not recycle as much. Destroy the world. Create that trash island, plastic island that's like floating in the South Pacific or whatever. plastic island that's like floating in the South Pacific or whatever. I guarantee

that plastic island is going to turn into the densest like future fuel for generations a thousand years from now. We're going to be like we found this island that's rich with micro plastics that we're now going to use to fuel our flying cars and robot soldiers.

That will happen. That's what the fucking future is going to be like. Where is the trash island? I think it's off Australia, maybe. I don't know. Is that what Isle of Dogs is about? Maybe. Wes Anderson? You know Wes Anderson, right?

Wes Anderson? The guy with the cool hats? He's got cool hats. There's Isle of Dogs. I think they're on a trash island, but it's all the dogs are on it. Damn, that couldn't be me watching that show. Because the government bans dogs or some shit. That shit sounds too cute for me it's a good ass movie all his shit is so cute though dude there's a scene where they're making sushi and it's so satisfying

it's just the sounds oh yeah damn that sounds damn yeah i felt like i was transported to the movie you felt like you were in a wiss anderson movie it felt like pure wiss anderson that was fucking sweet i know you're like a foley artist i know i would that that's a hard-ass thing to do i just take a foley class in college for my six months there it's really hard dude what uh what kind of shit did you learn in the class i don't remember we just like do one where you just like tell a story with just sound and i remember it was supposed to be like how you start your day and i and i and i recorded myself pissing and everyone else did but mine was clearly the only one that was actually me pissing

and everyone else did but mine was clearly the only one that was actually me pissing everyone else was like pouring water into the toilet and mine went on long enough mine went on for like 45 seconds yeah no they're literally it was like it was so like humiliating we had to watch it in like a in like an auditorium of people i feel like your teacher would love that i feel like your teacher would be super impressed by those classes are so easy just you like jerking off yeah people someone did like a hardcore sex scene uh-huh and it was actually like really impressive they nailed it you think they actually fucked no then that is impressive because i don't think actually fucking would get the noise that you want it to it would just be like it's like a singing in the shower yeah you need like they they like they killed it

get a towel get a towel yeah my wife's coming home quick get out this window you gotta get out of here i'm out this window it's the third floor i don't care here's some sheets tie them together you gotta get out of here bro my wife's coming home hello that was that always sucks about i thought i heard a dude's voice i was playing video games. Jesus. That was the worst thing about those film classes. No one ever tried to do funny stuff. Everyone tried to.

They all wanted to be the next Quentin Tarantino. And even Quentin Tarantino does funny shit. Doing a funny thing, just sound only, would be so much easier than trying to do a dramatic waking up routine. Totally. Which is why the sex one was good. Everybody wants to do dramatic shit. Yeah. Even class is like the most pretentious it's like the worst shit ever just people just like think they know what a good movie is and then they like make their movie and it's just them like arguing outside of their apartment or some shit slow-mos of them like

lighting cigarettes in black and white dude film students are the worst people on earth i know i'm gonna win an oscar one day they all think that actually said that and like that all film sets are just like completely filled with people that think that it's how washington dc is filled with people who think they'll become president film sets are just filled with people who like someday think that they're working their way up to be with sanderson yeah dude the the uh the funniest shit was when we did like we had to like do films we had to make like short films and you get like assigned a random group and you had to like have everyone pick their role so they'd be like the director cinematographer uh the sound guy actors whatever and the person that was the director always they don't know what they're doing but they just think that the best thing for them to do is just to make you redo the

same scene like 8 000 times we're gonna want one more we're gonna want one for safety or just to like be like bitching as the assistant directors next to them be like just let me yeah and it's like why why do we need one for safety like do's like, do you think we really do? Like, what do you, like, we've already done it 800 times. Yeah, or like, yeah. And then they just use the first one. Or it's indicative of like the actress sucking, but like, yeah, we'll just get another one. Yeah. It's like, well, why don't you direct them to make them do a little bit better?

It sucks. Yeah. Did you do any student films when you were in college? Yeah, but I got, I like wrote a whole script. I was the one in charge of writing the script. student films when you were in college yeah but i got i i like wrote a whole script i was i was one in charge of writing the script i wrote an entire script and then they like scrapped the whole thing and rewrote we'll do improv yeah and they they like held a meeting without me and rewrote it and then they had they had me doing the uh the sound boom mic the boom so i got my

my role for the whole thing was the boom guy you got demoted yeah no way hard that's embarrassing yeah look at me now bro i wonder where they're at probably holding boom mics probably holding boom mics or what if they're probably like pas on fucking dexter blackish grown-ish yeah yeah they're pas on like full house reboot yeah yeah their pas on like full house reboot failure says what they are not me though yeah they were probably far from a failure they're nothing like them what was it what was your plot about do you remember what your plot was it was so it was like uh i could probably find it i just can't show it because it's like these kids in it but um our plot like, it was about someone with like insomnia, like going crazy. And, uh, it like was the best one in the class by a lot.

And then the one you wrote, I didn't write it. I got the one I came up with the idea for, and then I wrote the whole script and they scratched it and they kept the same idea for insomnia. I don't even know if I came up with the idea. And, uh, I think, I think they came up with the idea and i wrote the script and then they scratched the entire script and rewrote it but uh i probably wrote it at like 9 a.m like 10 minutes before the meeting and just try to power it out we were still insulted yeah they probably took it dead serious oh they were they did they had a coup against you yeah yeah i was never a good student surprisingly i mean i don't think you like uh i

got to a point in college where i was just like i know that i'm not going to use some of this shit for my life yeah no i knew i wasn't going to win an oscar and you still might bro especially for my like sound boom technique yeah one of the most diva moments of my life was when I was asked to hold like a sound, like a boom. Yeah. And I was just, I was, no, I was just like, I held it for the entire time, got super frustrated. I was like, we got like our most talented guys holding boom mics.

Yeah, that's embarrassing. Super embarrassing. Super embarrassing. Yeah. He's better pull that. Huh? He's better come in. Oh, cool. Fuck yeah. This episode is brought to you by HelloFresh. HelloFresh. You've got New Year's goals, and HelloFresh is here to help you achieve them. Skip the grocery store and take control of your time and budget

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Hello, fresh. Now back to the show. So dude, I cut out sugar. I feel good, but I do like fruit or I'll do like no added sugar. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Because at night, yo, I was doing like half a pint of ice cream and five popsicles. Oh damn. On the road, I don't drink. So I'm in my hotel and I of ice cream and five popsicles. Oh, damn.

On the road. I don't drink. So I'm in my hotel and I dump bags of candy on my bed. That's what we had soda on and he was saying the exact same thing. Yeah. It's pathetic, dude. I wake up in a blackout. I had cranberries stuck to my body.

But I think a lot of people feel like they want to cut that shit out, but they just don't do it. Like you're actually doing it. yeah but i also so my best friend jordan we have a podcast together and we keep each other accountable so we'll text each other and be like i want sugar and be like all right don't do it and like that's how i got sober was like talking to other people and be like i want to drink though i can not do it and i've tried to do it with like jerking off but that's way different. I'm about to beat off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you call up your friend Chris? You're like, Chris, I got to jerk off. I'm thinking of you, man. What are you wearing? My dick's in my hand. What do I do, brother? Don't do it, dude. Do not nut out of that dick.

You're trying to cut it completely jerking off? Or just cut back? Just cut back. Yeah. Because I found I jerk cut back, cut back. Yeah. Because I found I jerk off as like a distraction. Yeah. So like I have to do something. I'm like,

I'll do it. Let me just jerk off. And then now when I come, I have to take a nap. Like I can't stay awake. So like half my day is shot. So it's like at least hold off until before I go to bed. Yeah.

That's like actually like the only time I jerk off right before bed is no it's a distraction yes i'll be like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna jerk off first yes yeah it'll only make like a little form of self-sabotage yeah yeah or you'll be in the middle i'll be in the middle of writing yeah and i'll just have my dick in my hand fucking get this thing hard and see what i can do with it and i lie to myself i'm like you'll think clear if you do. That's gotta be a lie. You're not clear, but you're just not horny anymore. It's not any clearer. It didn't let you focus up or anything like that.

And then it's gotten to the point now where I'll lay there and I'll come on my belly and be like, alright, just close your eyes and clean it up after a minute. And then I'll wake up and it's just drizzled everywhere and I wake up like a glazed donut. You're chipping it up like candle wax it is yes truly truly so you fall asleep every time after most of the time that's crazy yeah yeah we had a co-worker that just mercilessly roasted anybody that like nutted on themselves he's like you guys nut on yourself

and i was like i've i'd never even thought about it but since then i'm hyper aware of it of like nutting on myself and i'll like set up a tp of like fucking of like towels around my dick yeah i'll do towels sometimes but i used to be like that i used to be like ew dude that's gross but then it's like well exactly i'm not gonna get up and waddle to the bathroom. No, I actually thought it was like, I've never once thought that was weird. Same. Like never in my life have I been like, this is weird to do that. You're not on a sexual partner.

What am I going to do with it? It's not good enough for you. You're not on someone else. It's not good enough for you. I feel like that would be like a process to have to jerk off. I don't know. And have like a Chewbacca shit bag where it just like falls right into like always apparatus it also takes you out of the intimacy of the moment a little bit like if you're like oh let me figure out it's like having to go get a condom right by the time

i get it i'm not the impulse is gone yeah maybe it's a good way to you know what i mean stop jerking off just be like well i'll jerk off but i'm gonna be clean about it yeah well fuck that i need the shame of cleaning it i'll never do this again until an hour until right now yeah yeah dude i was talking to a guy in our office rudy i don't even know if you know him but he knows you he was like oh dude i was at the pride parade with him and we did poppers together oh yeah you remember him yeah no I remember I was giving everyone poppers I wasn't doing that but dude I gave Feidelberg poppers yeah another world did he I bet he got real red yeah super red yeah he's got a natural red to him and I could oh yeah really dark red yeah like in it does get you red, but I didn't.

Does it get you like fucked up high or like, or just out? I wouldn't be surprised. No, it's like it like cuts it. So it's amyl nitrates and it like cuts off your like blood vessels or whatever so that you get super lightheaded. It makes you hot in your face, right? Yeah. And you get like euphoric and it loosens up your butthole. So people do poppers so it's easier to bang,

but then you do poppers, and you're just like, oh my God. You just want everyone to make out with you and be crazy. Oh, really? I feel like it would make me... It only lasts for like 30 seconds, right? Yeah, so you got to keep doing more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like computer duster. it like fucks your head up yeah yeah it only lasts like 20 seconds but so can you like finish a whole bottle of it uh nasally like can you like suck down a bottle of it you never want to have a thought just a whole hole through your entire brain you just want to become a cum dump for the rest of your life tunnel brain you? They sell that shit everywhere. Yeah, dude. You can just buy it at like a bodega. I was in my deli the other day

and I got a banana and these guys were like, I'm going to chop cheese, Arizona iced tea, some light mayonnaise, or be fashion poppers. I heard it and I was like, someone's going to have fun. And they were like, oh, that's me! I don't order poppers in front of me. yeah ordering poppers with breakfast at like

9 a.m yeah yeah i'll just get them for later yeah yeah it's like the softest drug it's like not like a hard hard-ass drug to me or anytime i've done it do it you've done it yeah yeah it's just i feel like you just kind of are doing it you're like sitting around drinking just hitting ripping some poppers i don't know i've never got fucked in the ass off it. Maybe I need to get fucked in the ass off it to really enjoy myself. It's a new year. My resi is to open up. Yeah.

Yeah. My resi is to get, you know, fucked in the ass. You know, just try it out a little bit. If you were, if you're constipated and you take that, would it all just spill out? Whoa. I don't know. Cause I know it opens up like your legitimate it all just spill out? Whoa. I don't know. Because I know it opens up like your legitimate like sphincter. But I don't know about the colon.

Probably not the intestines. Yeah. I don't know. Interesting. Makes you think. You really got to get to the bottom of it. Yeah. You got to get to the bottom of being a bottom.

Fuck, dude. I did poppers one time and it fucked me up for like the next 24. Like I just couldn't think. I'm like, ugh. Like makes you lag. It's not fun. No, it sounds awful to be honest. Anyone that does a ton of them, you're truly fucking your brain up for a little bit.

Yeah, you're destroying your brain cells. Yeah. What happens to your brain? Like do you know what's actually going on in there? I mean, I think it cuts off oxygen to your brain. Really? Like I used to do computer duster and that shit fucks you up. Really? Bad. Yeah. oxygen to your brain really i used to do computer duster and that shit fucks you up really bad yeah

when i was in seventh grade i was on the football team and like in the changing room before football practice like everybody on the team would do some shit where they would like press their necks up against the wall yeah and dudes would fucking fully pass out i know and who knew that would be the only way we could come now but uh like it like people were like like having crazy hallucinate hallucinations thank you hallucinations they were going fucking nuts like being like i was just like in the sonic the hedgehog course or something like the and it sounded fucking awesome but I was scared as fuck dude so I snitched

to my mom I was like dude they're like choking each other out in the fucking locker room and they like had like a team meeting about it saying like you gotta stop like fucking choking each other I don't think they knew it was me this is my first time coming clean about it you think so because I was such a puss

you were probably in the corner they're beating the fuck out of me because like twisting my knee in the pile oh yeah trying to beat the fuck out of me but i don't even know how these kids figured out that like that that was something you could do or that uh it was cutting off oxygen to your brain like poppers probably older brother yeah i was gonna say older brother had to have been yeah like the kid that introduced me to that had an older brother that like taught him. And he came over and was like, dude, we got to choke ourselves. It gets you like really high.

And we were trying to find ways of getting high, like in that like smoking mint leaves. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Catnip. Dude, one time. Oh, oh my God. Yeah. Just fucking anything. We used to smoke a lot of catnip.

In loose leaf. Did you really? No way. Nuh-uh. They have joints of catnip in loose leaf did you really no way no they have we did it like once someone like just brought in joints smoke moss one time too holy shit i got tricked into smoking catnip really yeah by my two best friends because i went to the italian market in philadelphia with my grandparents and i bought mint leaves yeah and then i went to them and was like guys guys i i got weed yeah like can we have some i was like it's five dollars yeah so i sold my two lifelong friends fake weed when i was 14 and to get me back they had a party brought me over and were like hey do you want to smoke this hash i was like yeah and they're like well let's

go in the backyard i'm like all right so i'm smoking it and hey, do you want to smoke this hash? I was like, yeah. And they're like, well, let's go in the backyard. I'm like, all right. So I'm smoking it. And I'm like, you want some? Like, nah, nah, we had a bunch earlier. We're full. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all full.

So I go inside and everyone starts meowing. I'm like, what are we doing? Why are we meowing? Because you smoked catnip. I'm like, oh my God. That's what you get. Oh my God, damn it. Did it get you?

Did it do anything to you? No, it made me feel like a fool. But there's no kind of psychological? Did you get fucked up? No. I think we were just trying to smoke anything. Right. For the visual of smoke leaving your lungs.

Yeah, we did that. We rolled up mint leaves with loose leaf and scotch tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loose leaf burns so fast. Yeah, dude, we almost burned our face off. Dude, we used to just smoke paper. Yeah. We'd just roll like printer paper up and just like smoke it. Like, no, we wouldn't like inhale

it, but we'd like put it in your mouth and like blow it out. It's so funny, because you remember when kids were like eating Tide Pods? Yeah. And we're like, the next generation is blah, blah. And I'm like, no, they're just like the next generation of trying to get high. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is just humans, like human beings. Like we were just eating berries and leaves, like trying everything to get high.

Yeah. We just have always been trying to get fucked up. Catnip and Tide Pods. I don't know what the fuck is going to be next. Gasoline. Yeah. Yeah. Like glue.

Like in Ethiopia, they fucking roll up like just like blunts of fucking glue, dude. Really? They're just like tweak on the streets off of like pure, like a strip of glue in the blunt. I can't be good for the lungs. But they're poor as fuck. It's like that's the only thing they have.

They have that and gasoline, like huffing gasoline. It's like what you're doing on the street in Ethiopia if you're trying to get fucked up. Wow. People will get fucked up. Oh, yeah.

I wonder if any of them in their tribes are like, dude, oh, man, this is a crazy new way to get high. You people will get fucked up oh yeah any of them in their tribes like dude oh man there's a crazy new way to get high you put my cock in your try it anything once it is actually fucking awesome they go back and tell everybody they have to so you're are you you're a delaware guy did you i'm from delaware did you spend time living in philly at all i I came up in Philly. So I,

I started comedy in Philly and I've been going to Philly since I was in like, my mom used to take me to South street to like punk shows and like vintage shops when I was in like seventh grade. She just used to drop me off on the street. Yeah. All right. See you later. I'm like,

let's go. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck? Why was she trying to do that? She just wanted to I liked that music and she

wanted to support me and the things I like so she would drop me off at like the TLA and then she'd go around and then pick me up afterwards

and I I would like come out and she'd be on the street with like dudes with like bones in their nose and tattoos

on their face. God damn. Your mom's the shit. My mom's hanging out with like gutter pumps. She's like, and this is my friend muscle. South street was gnarly then too. South street was fucking sick. One time she dropped me and my friends off at a show and we're inside smoking

cigarettes. We're like 14 and I'll never forget she stormed her way in found us smoking and dragged us both out by our ears and the band stopped and was like yeah get em everyone was cheering my mom on

and I'm like no this isn't cool stop it this is a hardcore show dude you should be on my side that's hilarious your mom would just wait outside the whole time? Yeah, she would just hang out, make friends. That's crazy. Dude, there's this place called Jim Steaks. Where they sell drugs.

No. They've gotten busted like four times. Jim Steaks. A fourth and south. Selling drugs as a cheese steak order. It's happened like four different times. What the fuck are you talking about? I swear to God.

Look it up. No way. What do fuck are you talking about? I swear to God. Look it up. We gotta look it up. No way. What do you got? 2011, 2012. Really? Read it again. Gym Steaks.

Gym Steaks keeps on selling drugs. On 4th and South. They won't stop selling drugs out of there. Really? And it's like tons of different types of drugs. Like you go in and put in an obscure cheesesteak order and then they give you drugs. What the fuck? That's what your mom was-

I was asking for a whiz win every time. Yeah yeah my mom's a heroin oh shit what the fuck it's a tough way to learn my man what were you about to say about jim's legit i was about to say we would go and get cheesesteaks and we'd walk in and they'd all be like gail what's up that's hilarious oh fuck what if my mom's getting jammed out by the cheesesteak? That would be terrible, bro. That would be fucking awful. Go on here, little punk show. I'll find something to do. I'll buy gym steaks.

Did you ever do it, bro? What, the drugs? Did you ever get drugs there? No, I never did. I only saw about it in the news. What do you do? Where are you from? You just walk in and you're like, I'm going to get a cheesesteak with weed.

I'm from like Radnor. Oh, so you're from Pennsylvania. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Because I was like, how do you just walk in you're like i'm gonna get a cheesesteak with i'm from like radnor oh you're from pennsylvania yeah yeah okay because i was like how do you fucking no because i and i so i and then i lived on uh like third and market and uh i would have like a weekly show on south street at like dobbs or some shit like that okay you fucking go down there and just uh dick around but south street i think was probably a little bit shittier than uh or i don't know it's been getting shittier yeah it's been getting dumber i started comedy at the laugh house okay second and south oh fuck yeah so that was like wild coming up in that what did you uh why why there you're just living in philly you're like i'm no i was i was living in delaware and i would drive up to philly every night for open mics and

stuff uh it was like 45 minute drive from delaware and i that was like the club that would work me helium wouldn't they you do their open mic and then they wouldn't allow you to do it again for like six to nine months jesus and this other club would put you up every thursday for their open mic so i just started hanging there and that's where all my guys i'm like still friends with now like foley kevv Ryan and Tom Cassidy. That's where they all started. And yeah, that was like the place to go. And I got work there because I was white.

Like they legit it was a black club and they needed like a white comic. And they put me up and I ate my fucking dick. Really? It sucked? Oh, it made me so much better. But it was like I was fucking terrible. It sucked. Oh, it made me so much better.

But it was like I was fucking terrible. Dude, the first time I ever emceed there for a weekend, I emceed my best friend, Chris Cotton. God rest his soul. He passed a couple of years ago. He was featuring. And the headliner was a wheelchair comic from Brooklyn named Damien Rose. And he is now gone as well. Rest his soul. But we had to lift him on stage and off stage every time.

And his opening song was, I roll out. And dude, I'll never forget. I just got done bombing. Cotton yelled at me. He was like, you're not good. You need to be better. You're my friend. The DJ that like wrecked me to the club,

took me to a Wawa and yelled at me and was like, I don't know who you were up there, but that's not you. Cause I like went up there. I was like, Hey y'all, how y'all doing? He just hated me.

He's like, you're not black. Stop acting black. And I'm like, all right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And then we're lifted this guy at stage.

He looks at me, he goes, you dropped me and I'll motherfucking kill you. Oh, it was fucking terrible. A friend of mine from Delaware came up fucking white as a pure German snow and a guy on stage didn't have teeth

and he's like, bitch, you know what a front lace weave is? Yeah, you, you're the only white bitch in here. Oh my God. I'm living in a halfway house in Delaware at the time. In order to get to Philly, I got to blow in a breathalyzer to fucking drive off. It is insane.

No way. Try blowing in a breathalyzer in front of all black comics in a black club. They're not going to believe it's not attached to a human male. Shut the fuck up. That's crazy. What kind of wheelchair was it? Was it like an electric wheelchair or just like a regular no regular he had the gloves and his closer was he would bring a girl on stage and he would make her sit in the wheelchair and he'd give her a lap dance did his legs work at all or

was he like legless or he might have been able to walk like his thing dude there are people who are frauding in that area there was a dude who was always at fourth and market with and he'd be outside with a saxophone and he could not play the saxophone and dude have you ever seen people they like hook up like a like their phone to like a speaker and they like pretend to play the guitar while just guitar playing yeah it's like a big i think it's big like i that. I went to Europe and they say it was everywhere. Everyone was doing it. Oh my God.

Like you could like see the phone like tucked in their sleeve, blaring like the best song you've ever heard. Dude, the other night, I swear to God, I saw, I almost intervened, but I didn't. But there was a like homeless guy, black eyed dreads playing guitar and these two drunk like white NYU kids the guy was like come on come on just look at the screen just look at the screen and the girl is showing him uh under the bridge by the red hot chili peppers just just play along on the screen it's like elder abuse this whole guy just like wants to play the blues. What are you doing?

That's so funny. Did he try to play it? He tried and then was like, I can't. I can't. The guy's like, try harder, man. It's your favorite song. Do you know any K-pop? He plays Taylor Swift. That's fucking crazy to go up to like a homeless dude and be like asking for requests.

Especially like red hot chili peppers yeah can you play under the bridge you know where you're going to the song about heroin you're on heroin right this song's about heroin you might be able to relate to this it'll make it a more real experience for me dude i did an open mic in uh at eastville comedy club and there was a dude that had uh he had like the electric wheelchair one of the big boys and it was like 10 dudes had to carry him up and then he killed but i was like that would suck to go up there and just bomb and then everyone's gonna carry you off right after dude there's a

comic in austin his name's michael lair he's so fucking funny he was on kill t Tony a million times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's dying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But dude, he, years ago, he was in Buffalo and he opened for me. And before he messaged me and was like, hey, I'm excited for the show. I'm just a retard in a wheelchair and blah. And I'm like, is he Joe? Like, what the fuck? Like, I thought he was fucking with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there were no pictures of him or anything on his profile and he's like he's like yeah i'm gonna give these

motherfuckers a business and i'm like all right man and then i met him he was the coolest fucking dude ever so funny legitimately in a wheelchair the most like like just his jokes are so fucking good i mean he's deteriorating he truly is dying but he is so fucking funny and everyone would have to carry him up put him down but the way he was talking to me i was like is he doing a bit like yeah is this supposed to be funny and then i was like oh my god he's in a wheelchair oh my god this is gonna be terrible and he was the funniest motherfucker yeah so fucking funny disabled comics who can like play into their uh whatever they have going on just makes it so much it's like a burden off of the audience you know what i mean like and it's like almost a cheat code like if it's not like uh

you're gonna make that your entire act but like if you can like kind of redirect that it's it's a it's a massive uh like you know way to succeed well like dude years have you guys ever heard of Twitchels? No. The comic with Tourette's? Oh. He was on MTV's True Life, Eye of Tourette's. As a show? Yeah, like years ago. Do you remember MTV True Life? Like, I'm a- I do.

I know you're talking about it. Kind of. I didn't know they had a whole Tourette's. Yeah. It's just like a one-off episode. Oh, okay. So it's like True Life, like, I'm addicted to recycling.

I'm trying to be a rapper. That was just the whole show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole show. So it's like multiple people with a thing. He had Touret to recycling. I'm trying to be a rapper. That was just the whole show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole show. So it's like multiple people with a thing. He had Tourette's. He's a standup comic. I opened for him when I just started starting out.

Like in Philly. Or no, I opened for him in like Vineland, New Jersey. So I had to go to his house to pick him up. And before he gets in the car, he goes, if I start twitching or anything, I'm listening. It's just one of my tweaks okay and i'm like okay so we're like talking in the car and i'm like yeah you know i live in and he's like and i'm like are you all right he goes i told you keep talking okay all right man so we do the show dude he smashes i'm talking like dude he and and afterwards he goes you know i'm really good at talking about

tourette's but really nothing else i was like damn but afterwards he sells a ton of headshots and it goes to like he's like buy a headshot i'll sign it it goes to um like a tourette's foundation or whatever and everyone's like oh my god blah blah blah we go to Wawa and he's like I like how all the stories are just like we go to Wawa yeah that's where it always ends up so dude we go to this Wawa and he's like yeah I get whatever you want I'm like all right and so I put it on the counter he goes I got it I go really he goes no no no the Tourette's foundation all that money I've been joking the whole time yeah yeah yeah that's fucking did the how did the terrestre manifest itself when he was on stage did it like go away like uh you know how like in the king's speech he like can like kind of hum through like his stutter or whatever he i mean he

he lived with his whole life he knew how to like deal with it and it was like super funny and i'm like man if he like like he cut the meat off of that bone so good on like he mastered the tourette's material if he could take something else and do it with that like holy fuck that'd be awesome but he just like only talked about tourette's interesting but everyone loved everyone like ate it up and i'm up there just like dude it was at some like it was at a bar that i'd gotten kicked out of years before when i was drinking and i like went there and i'm just like eating shit and everything and i'm like at one point i was like maybe you'd like me more if i had to oh no i mean they would it's awesome they definitely, but you just don't say it. I mean, they definitely would love you.

That's hilarious. You've got to be my boy with Tourette's. Just no reaction? I mean, they laughed at that. That's so funny. That's hilarious. How much time did you spend at the Delaware beaches growing up?

Oh my God, every year. Dewey, Rehoboth, Lewis. Rehoboth, Olive Avenue, Patricia towers every year. First week of August, my mom side of the family, we'd go down,

we'd stay for a week. It was the best. And I think I'm, I just turned 38 and I think there's only one or two years in my life that I haven't been in the Atlantic Ocean. Oh, damn. So I go, I try to get in the ocean. You get to swim in?

Yeah, I got to get to swim in. The ocean scares the fuck out of me. Really? I'm from Massachusetts. I grew up on the beach, but it scares the fuck out of me. Why? I don't know, because like- Sharks?

Yeah, my mom's from Cape Cod and we used to to go to Cape Cod every summer to visit my grandparents. And out of nowhere, I want to say in the last 10 years, the Great Whites have taken over those beaches. And they're spotting every single day now during the summer. No one's getting bit. Oh, people are getting bit. Really? Every once in a while, someone will die. I love how uninformed I am on everything.

I'm like, no one's buying drugs at James. You're like, 30formed I am on everything I'm like no one's Buying drugs at Jams You're like 30 times Last year I'm like no one's Getting bit No I mean Compared to how People are swimming

In the beach It's probably like One out of every Like 10,000 people Get killed No one's getting bit Dude Dude it happened

When I was in high school Someone on Cape Cod There was like a ton Of people in the water And when did you Graduate Like Four years ago Five years ago Exactly Yeah It happened when I was in high school. Someone on Cape Cod, there was like a ton of people in the water. And when did you graduate? Four years ago.

Five years ago. Exactly. Yeah. Not that long ago. It's been five years. Let's go back in the ocean. No, it was like four years ago. We got to go back to the ocean. You can't be scared of the ocean.

And then I saw a video today of someone swimming off of some beach and a tiger shark was like three feet away from her and she had no idea. But it didn't do anything. And it closed the whole beach. Oh, it was going to do something. I feel like a lot of sharks' mouths aren't even big enough to do any damage. You go to the aquarium, the sharks have little ass fucking mouths, dude.

Bro, you know what a bull shark is? No. Deadliest, world's deadliest shark. They're tiny. They're way smaller than great whites, because they can swim in like two feet of water. Oh, really? Yeah. What do you think of that dick?

Yeah, what do you think of that, bro? Damn it, dude. I was not prepared for that shit at all. You gotta overcome your fear and go in the ocean. I still swim in the ocean, but the entire time when one of my buddies will swim out a little farther, I'm like, he's gotta get back in here.

I'm not telling you to swim in Australia. I feel like that's where people are dying. The Australian Ocean. Would you go to Jones Beach? I don't know. is that it's in new york yeah new york oh yeah yeah a hundred percent yeah all right i go like i still go to the beach all the time yeah but you just make sure like a small child's farther out than you yeah something more edible is like closer to the sharks than you are at all times before you go

in the water you're like uh is that any woman on their period? I'm not just going to go over here. Just let me know. Wearing a tinfoil bathing suit. I'd be more, I'm more worried about like undertow and getting like sucked into the ocean by a big ass wave. Dude, you ever get bundled by a wave? What is that called? Undertow?

The current? Riptide? Riptide, yeah. That used to be like, my dad used to always be really cautious about that. Is it that big of a thing that happens? I've gotten bundled by waves before and I've panicked because I lose my bearings and shit like that.

What is it where you're like, if we're here and we go in the ocean here and then five minutes later you end up here and you don't even realize? You turn around and you're a mile away. I can't see without my glasses so i'm already blind just like and my bathing suit's written up i'm covered in tattoos and i'm like where my hair is wet my hairline's even worse so i'm just like looking like a creep tax account and you just wind up in maryland yeah how the fuck am i in maryland like i don't

realize someone's a child i'm like where's my town whatever you want sir just take it just leave me alone yeah i don't know what that is that just fucking rips you it's scary dude i'm not trying to get sucked out to the ocean but at the same time i'm not trying to be scared of it but i think that's just because my my wife is just terrified of that shit. She's just like always scared. So it makes it so easy to be brave if I'm just like less scared than her. Just like a little bit less scared than her. What, of the current or the sharks?

Of everything in life, dude. Of like fucking turbulence. You always want to marry someone who's living in fear. Yeah. You're the man. Good work, dude. You're like, oh, dude, I'm not fucking scared, bro. This movie is as scary as fucking all, dude.

I'm the man, dude. I'm the fucking man. Are you scared of that? Yo, I'm not fucking scared, bro. This movie is as scary as fucking all, dude. I'm the man, dude. I'm the fucking man. Are you scared of that? Yo, get yourself an agoraphobic. Oh, a cockroach? Dude, a spider? I'm not scared of that shit, dude. Makes you feel brave as fuck, dude.

Dude, I actually have nightmares about sharks all the time. Really? Yeah, it's like a real fear. Why are you even thinking about them? That and plane crashes. I've had dreams where I'm in a plane crash and then we land in shark infested waters. Like many times. That one, that doesn't happen in a couple of years, but that was a bad one for a while.

Whoa. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Let me put your mind at ease, dude. You're not going to survive. You know what I feel when you're like falling when you're sleeping? I would get that, but in my dream, I'd be falling into like a shark's mouth.

Swear to God. That's so specific. I know. I'd be on a boat and I'd roll over. We've got to give you immersion therapy. Into sharks? We've got to have you in a plane on a rope. Crashing.

Go down into the water. You need a shark and then the plane crashes and you survive both. That's what we're going to do. I saw a video two days ago of a shark that got into one of the cages of a diver. Oh, yeah. Those are fucking horrifying. And the diver just like climbed out like nothing had happened. Like everybody on the ship was like turning their heads like fucking sick to their stomach.

Like they knew that the person had just gotten ripped limb from limb. And then like this lady just like climbed out like nothing had happened. Like it was just completely fine. I think the creepiest part is not even like the shark it's like in those videos where you see the shark and then you see just like the miles of just emptiness yeah like in the ocean the empty sea yeah or seeing how fast they move oh they're like like like uh i was watching a video of an alligator and this guy was like, they were telling him like, okay, touch the nose. Now put your hand in the mouth and just leave it.

And the guy, I guess like hit him too hard on those. And when he put his hand in the guy, the alligator in one swoop bit and twisted. So the guy was like, and it just happened so fast. Why were they telling him to put his hand in? It was like a sea world thing or something like feeding the alligators.

Bro. It was in India. I? Bro, it was in India. I didn't know it was in India. That's how they make kids there. They've got a restaurant. They're serving fresh harm. That's how they picked the new president. It was an Indian

election. That's what was happening. Oh my god. Oh man, that's fucking nuts. i was doing a video where i was like feeding a bear it was just some dumb ass fucking hot dog eating contest or something where i was feeding a bear wait you fed a bear a bear yeah it's like it was like a brown bear but it was like it was like the bear you know step on it might have been i don't know is it step on's a russian bear that there's documentaries on him because he's like these people's child. Oh, no, it wasn't that one.

That does sound sweet as fuck, though. I want a bear friend. Until he fucking dices them apart. They just like wrestle with him? He loves them too much. He's like their family. They have pictures of him in his own bear shed. What do you mean bear shed?

He lives in a bear shed, a bear house. What do you mean bear shed? He lives in a bear shed, a bear house. No way. With furniture and photos of the bear and the parents all throughout the house. Like a true child. It's crazy. That's nuts. Step on the Russian bear. And he's just wrestling with people.

I feel like bears kind of get it when they grow up with Russians. The Russians, they treat bears differently. I don't know how that happens. Yeah yeah they like drink with the bears yeah so you had a bear and you were scared did the bear no i was feeding i was feeding the bear i wasn't that i mean i was scared but i wasn't like terrified because this is like a famous bear that's in like kia commercials like if you ever see a bear in a commercial this is the fucking bear that's just everywhere oh wow but i was like feeding it for this hot dog eating competition they're like it's gonna be fine.

Like, don't worry about it. Just like you feed him a couple Oreos to start off and then he starts eating the hot dogs or whatever. But and they told me. You should have given the bear poppers. The bear is just loving life. Just my face look hot? But I like, but they told me it was going to be completely fine. And then I fed them the first oreo

and they're like like let go let go like they they made they like i must have did something wrong and they acted like i was going to get my arm ripped off by this bear immediately i like hightailed the fuck out of there as soon as i could because they acted like it was going to be like not not a problem at all like this bear does it all the time and just like my hand for like a split second too long in his mouth i don't know they just weren't specific of like how i was supposed to put like am i i guess i was supposed to just like drop it like real fast into his mouth but i kind of like fed it into his mouth they should have been more specific it's a fucking bear but uh it was if i were you i would have left it hope my hand get chopped off yeah make some of that bear money yeah a lot of money in bears

yeah yeah big bear bear industry i should have i was holding out like a fake arm with like the microphone on it and it was like slapping the fuck out of the arm i could easily rip my shit apart it was like uh summer it was like in the middle of covid it was like the first time I traveled during COVID. So July 4th, 2020. July 2020. Around then we were doing a hot dog eating competition. Is that the Russian bear? Oh, it's fucking massive.

It's so fucking big. Look at his fucking neck. Look at him. That's in their home. Look at him. And he's just chilling on their fucking laps. They hug. I mean, that would be awesome to have a bear. They hang out. He has framed photos of him with his

family. That's so badass. Bears are fucking huge. You know what I don't fuck with at all? Do you guys ever see this account on Instagram that they have a puma in their house? No. I don't fuck with it at all. What? I report the account every time I see it. It pisses me off

Because the puma is like obese as fuck And they just like don't It just like lives in the house and they just like throw it massive steaks So that's your problem with it? Are you sure you're not just talking about the liver king? No It's something the liver king would do No but it's like they're like

They just clearly only have it for the Instagram account Because they're like doing ads and shit. I guess if you keep it fat. And the puma's like morbidly obese. As long as you keep it fat, it's not going to like attack you. Like a hungry ass puma. You should see the videos. Really?

It's like. Do they keep it locked? No, it just like wanders around. Roams around the head. Yeah, it has like a collar and everything. Yeah. When those people die, like it's going to be justified. That'll be on them like yeah they're gonna be on them anytime like a monkey rip someone's face off you're like

that's the only time it's okay to victim blame yeah why do you have a monkey living in there what is like it's like a dog isn't good enough for you you need a fucking monkey walking around the house trying to teach him to like get beers in his diaper yeah like that that's not fucking sweet yeah that shit's always super dumb to me. Yeah. Because I don't understand why. People love animals though. Yeah.

People, but like they love animals in a weird way. Like they don't love animals as equals like I do, dude. I fucking link up with animals. Oh, yeah. But they want to have animals as slaves, bro. That's the shit when like there's a shark attack. Like do you guys ever watch Shark Week? I don't fuck with Shark Week, really.

You don't fuck with Shark Week? I know, but I don't watch it. I don't like, shark week really you don't fuck with shark week I know but I don't watch it I don't like cause I don't like reenactments I don't want to see the same the real thing or like nothing at all and there's never good enough

footage of shark attacks I like bad reenactments yeah me too those really corny ones dude I saw one my mom and I I was visiting my mom in Delaware

and we were watching like a investigative discovery on John Wayne Bobbitt. You guys know him? The guy who chopped off his dick? His wife. Lorena Bobbitt chopped off his penis. You guys are young. Do you remember that?

Yeah, they chopped off his... She caught him cheating and chopped off his dick and threw it in a field or some shit like that. Yes, yes. And so in the reenactment, the police found the penis and a guy they're looking around and a guy has a flashlight he goes sir sir you don't want to come take a look

yup that right there that's a penis and I just kept playing it over and over imagining like the audition process for this guy to like go through three rounds and get his family around the TV and be like here's my part here's my part he's like yup that's a penis continue here's my part. He's like, yep, that's a pain.

I can see it, mom. We need more of the moment of discovery. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if does the penis, if chopped off hard, does it stay hard? My imagination is that it kind of just shrivels back down. I feel like it would have to shrivel back up. Most regular size. There is a

docket, dude. It turns it, she got like railroaded because he totally deserved what happened like he was abusive he was terrible oh dude that's the thing that i thought he just cheated no no dude he like would hit her was abusive like basically kept her as like a fucking sex slave to him yeah and no one knew that that didn't get out the only thing that got out was that this crazy like spanish woman chopped a man's penis off all that poor guy it became a huge joke but what got lost was the fact that he was like beating the fuck out of her nightly and like going home and like raping her yeah and he kind of got what he got and got what he deserved and then he just

like i don't know i had a good pr team and everyone was like this he sewed his what he got and got what he deserved. And then he just like, I don't know, had a good PR team. And everyone was like, this bitch. He sewed his dick back on and got into porn. Yeah. He became a porn star. Yeah. He like had a, I don't even know how you sew it back on. And he chopped off her pussy.

Yeah, he wore his court of manners. King Solomon was like, you fucking, an eye for an eye. You chop off her pussy in recompense for that chopped off dick. Do you think that she, like, she must have fucking, uh... How do you get into a situation where you could chop someone's dick off?

He was passed out. He was, like, drunk. Yeah, he must have been drunk as fuck. He was drunk, came home, beat the fuck out of her, raped her, and then passed out, and she just picked his dick up and was like That's fucking crazy. Right? It was like a knife or was it scissors or like a butcher's knife?

I'm curious about every detail of it. Did she pick it up by like the... I think there's pictures of his dick. Like a dirty sock. It's like she chopped a little below the head. Like it's like this. She just picked it up and was like, boop. Oh, so she... She didn't cut it off at the base.

Yeah, she beheaded him. She beheaded him. Yeah. She beheaded him. I always thought it was from the base, and she got the whole thing. Nope, nope. Like a fucking butcher.

Just like a... Are you looking? I'm looking right now. Honestly, during this whole show, I've not seen you with this much concentration. And glee on his face, dude. Did you see how he's lighting up, dude? It's like the end of Pulp Fiction, dude.

I feel like if you chop it off halfway through, it would probably be pretty easy to just plop the head back on, right? Like a Lego. If you get it right at the top. If you get it right at the head. If you get it halfway. But if you just get the head off, it might be kind of natural. It might look better. It might.

Could you imagine the cop picking it up and being like, yeah. That's it for Prince. Did you find it? Oh, boy. Oh, damn. It looks like a scallop. It looks like a bacon-wrapped scallop. Not a clean cut, either. No. That must have hurt. Look at that guy's face. It looks like a scallop. It looks like a bacon-wrapped scallop. Not a clean cut either.

No. That must have hurt. Look at that guy's face. He's like, mm. See? See what you get, fellas? So. That feeling when your bitch chopped off your dick.

Words to the wise. So, yeah, that's such a scolding. He is giving like a sassy face. Right, right. So, what happened to you Oh no you didn't Don't mess with the wrong bitch Don't play too much

Oh my god bro So what else you working on bro What do you have coming up B&E Oh man yeah I have a podcast With Jordan Jensen it's called B&E with Jordan And patreon.com slash being Ian pod. New episodes every Wednesdays on YouTube.

It's super fun. You guys got to come do it. That's new, right? You guys are doing pretty well. Yeah. Yeah. It's great,

man. We're really having fun. I turned my basement into a podcast studio and yeah, the set looks great. Yeah. Thanks, man. I worked really hard on it.

Yeah. I like it a lot. Are you in a basement? Exactly like my basement in Delaware. We call it the Delaware den I like it a lot. It's exactly like my basement in Delaware. We call it the Delaware Den. Oh, hell yeah. It's just like wood panel, record player. We rip cigarettes down there.

It's fucking awesome, man. Yeah. That's sick. Where do you live? Astoria? Williamsburg. Williamsburg? Yeah.

So was the plan for that to always be you and Jordan? No, dude. That's what I was wondering. Yeah. I did the show. First, we did the show in my living wondering. Yeah. I did the show. First, we did the show in my living room and had to tear. I had to take the bathroom door off to get the

camera in the bathroom to get the couch in frame and like all this shit. And my girlfriend at the time fucking hated it. And as you know, luck would have it, she left me and that actually I was like, oh, yeah, you're gonna leave i'm gonna

fucking change everything and that dude she left the next day i redid the entire apartment and she came back to get her stuff and was like i've been wanting to do shit for a year and you uh finally do it when i leave and i was like ha ha ha ha shut the left bitch you learned a lesson bitch you sassily holding up the new picture of the apartment with the fucking no but it uh we we ended up moving to the basement but i had jordan on for the first episode because she's like my best friends we've been friends for years and uh it was just supposed to be like my thing and we did an episode and we're like holy fuck that was so fun like just do this with me.

Let's do it. But I'd already named the show being, yeah. And had already gotten Wes Schultz and the Lumineers to do the theme song. So the theme song is being Ian. So I was like, we have to change, keep the name.

And so now it's being Ian with Jordan. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I was wondering. Cause I thought that's what happened. Yeah. Yeah. That's sweet though.

Yeah. But I feel like that's got to happen all the time. What? Where, like, people have to start a podcast and they have a guest on. They're like, maybe it should just be us on the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, it was, like, the most fun.

And then we just kept recording episodes together. And then we hang out all the time anyway. So it's, like, perfect. But it was a thing for a while. Like, what do we do with the name? What do we do? So now we say it's Beanie and with Jordan. Bad name, good pod.

I think it's a good name. It rhymes, dude. There's a rhyme in there, bro. That's how sweet. And people go, Beanie and? Beanie and with? So they have to repeat it. Yeah.

And it gets in their head. And then what do you know? Next thing you know, there's a $10 subscription on Patreon. There it is. Man, man, man, man. Run it up, bitch. Fucking go. Yeah, but it's fun, man. It's a good time. What is it about Philly that

why is everyone from Philly so fucking successful right now? I feel like everybody's fucking eating. Because, dude, we all came from fucking nothing and it makes you work harder. You used to grind for times like this to shine like this. That's right. Whatever Meek Mill says. Other rap lyrics applicable.

Yeah, because we all came from fucking shit in philly and you had to work your fucking dick off and you know it's like that area just makes you work harder because everyone's a fucking dickhead yeah so you gotta like kick yourself in the ass and everyone around you is an asshole. Yeah. So like all my friends, we're all mean to each other and it makes us like so much better to be like, oh, you think that's up? Fuck you. I'll show you, you fucking dickhead. Yeah. It's nice to go hang out by your friends and they're like, you have tits.

It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you cut sugar out of it. Who's got tits now? I'm anorexic. I've got a disorder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've deeply affected me psychologically Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've deeply affected me psychologically. I laughed it off. Yeah.

But everyone that comes out of Philly is so funny that it just makes everyone else funny because you're like, oh, fuck, he's fine. I got to be funny. You know, so like that. You got Chris Cotton yelling at you to make you funny. Oh, yeah. Dude, when your friend yells at you and you're like embarrassed, it makes you better i never want any i mean i do need an attaboy sometimes i need to be told like hey that was positive reinforcement yes but i never want just like you're great that was great

that was great that was great no that's the worst right that's the worst yeah when you do something that you know sucked yeah they're like dude that was amazing yeah no it wasn't i know i don't insult you yeah i've i've done that before though where i'll get off stage and people are like great job i'm like don't fucking lie to me i know what that was like no man i i saw like a couple minutes it was pretty good i was like genuinely oh yeah yeah i had one i'm a psychopath what kind of of positive reinforcement do you need? Do you need it from my people close to you or like strangers to give you a really specific compliment? I don't give a shit about strangers. Yeah.

I mean, like I'm grateful. Other comics. But like, no, I want positive reinforcement from like my guys, like the people I respect and like, and like anytime the wait staff or kitchen staff at a club likes you, that's when, you know, like, okay. Cause they see everyone and to hear like,

Oh dude, everyone in the kitchen staff came out to watch your set. Like, I'm like, yes, that's what I want. I don't give a fuck about the pigs in the seats. Like,

obviously I do like buy tickets. You're great. I appreciate it. But it's like, you know, they're there. Yeah. They, But it's like, you know, they're there. Yeah. They,

you know, like, I mean, people that are huge comedy fans to that know the ins and outs when they dig you, it's great. But people that are just like coming, they're like,

Oh my God, blah, blah. It's like, okay, thanks. I got it. But like,

there's a guy who works here. I only say that because there's a guy who works here. Tommy smokes that he, he, uh, he's like the only thing that gets me going is like a compliment of like something that not everybody else is complimenting me on like a fucking off the beaten path compliment he's also a psychopath like if he put out a like a three minute long video and like there's a bunch of jokes in it he wouldn't want

like the funniest joke he'd be like this nuanced joke or this like small thing that he did to be complimented because that's what really gets his fucking balls tingling that's what makes him feel good but like i said he's the weirdest psychopathic like most yeah narcissistic i only care about the old people yeah when i'm in the audience and i can see like a 70 year old dude laughing that's when i'm like this is the only thing that i care about yeah yeah because then you're like okay so this actually was funny right rather than like someone that's like just there to see you yeah that's true like that person's just there because they heard there was a comedy show happening yeah and then they still like dude that night at the stand and like oh yeah yeah when we were all hanging out and like you guys were being nice like that

means more to me than some dumb blonde walking by and be like you're great yeah shut up yeah that's a tough show too yeah oh my god what was happening then uh it's uh well i don't want to say anything bad but it's just a show where there's like it's mostly a girl audience and they're like like young girls and they are only there to see one person yeah and then everyone else is kind of just there just dressing a little bit everyone there is just like they don't even they're like well who what is this person doing on stage yeah and i was the first comic yeah and i could just tell off the bat they hated me so instead of like tap dancing for them i just drove it into the ground really like so what if i don't have a

podcast about sex all right i don't i'm not here to impress you i don't need your murray hill energy okay and they're like no i'm like shut up melissa you feel how i think you feel yeah yeah i'm not about to trust you yeah i've done that show it's it was tough when i did it i bombed hard yeah why do you do it then or why do you still do it it's a good show that makes you better bombing makes you better it's like yeah it's fun to like lose it but it's like the ultimate goal isn't to be like a dickhead and flip out at everyone every night it's about to navigate and figure out like what works what doesn't and that's why i like taking material to you know on the road or like a show like that or like some you know queer witch coffee shop in bushwick like i want to make my stuff work everywhere you know but on the road or like a show like that, or like some, you know, queer witch coffee shop in Bushwick.

Like I want to make my stuff work everywhere, you know, but there's some nights where it's just like losing no matter what, you know? And it's like, you just got to take it and, you know. Eat shit, yell at the folks, yell at the crowd. But it's cathartic too. Yeah. I was about to say, it sounds like it kind of sounds sweet. Yeah.

It's awesome. It sounds like it could be a good release from time to time. Sometimes. Fuck yeah. Better that than, you know, a spouse. Bro, I just passive-aggressively breathe, dude. Anytime my wife hears me breathing, she knows that I'm just like being a little bitch. Just like driving.

Oh, God. It's a fucking nightmare, dude dude i got a deviated septum it sounds like do you sleep apnea no no it's probably coming dude it's probably eventually i'll have a c-pap on that's just crazy big ass masks oh yeah do you have one no i probably need one i i used to have to sleep with like these these magnets in my nose because I was snoring a lot. Do you ever get the strips? I had those. Yeah.

Yeah. Do those work? Those look like a piece of tape, like putting a bandage on your nose. They actually kind of work. Really? Yeah. I don't know. I'm told it works.

My grandpa uses them and I would, when I would sleep over at my grandparents' house, I would put one on. My grandparents snore. And I can breathe so clearly right now. Dude, I used to be such a precious sleeper. I could hear my grandparents snoring in the other room. They had a grandfather clock. I used to have to take the battery out of.

I'd have to wake them up and be like, you know, just like a little eight year old boy prince, just like such a little pussy. My dad snores like so fucking loud. And my entire childhood, I just remember waking up in the middle of the night to my mom being like, roll over, roll over. Dude, I was on the road. I just remember waking up in the middle of the night to my mom being like, roll over,

roll over. Dude, I was on the road. I brought, do you guys know Chris Scopo? Yeah. I brought him out on the road and we shared a hotel in Saratoga. It was like this,

like lovers in, it was very funny. And he was in the bed next to me and he like brought a tennis ball for his dog but he like left it in his pocket right so he had this tennis ball so I'm like dozing off and I just like he keeps being like you're snoring you're snoring stop snoring

and I kept being like oh sorry oh sorry and then dude just in a deep sleep I just feel a tennis ball hit me in the head I'm like what the fuck and he's like you won me in the head. I'm like, what the fuck? And he's like, you won't stop snoring. And I'm like, how'd you be so mean? But it's also like, I'm sleeping.

What do you mean stop snoring? It's not like a conscious decision. What can you even do about it? Is there anything you can do? I know. You're literally made to feel guilty for existing, for breathing. What is it, like when you lay on your back? Do you sleep on your back?

I guess. I think one thing you could do is be less fat. I think that that does help. Take it easy. You are less fat! Have another donut, you fucking pig! They are good as fuck. Yeah, there it is.

Those donuts are fuck. I've been thinking about them the whole entire episode. Oh my God, those are so fucking good. Right? I don't even know what that is. I've never had anything like that before. The Mochi Donut. It's fucking insane.

Graham and Montrose in Williamsburg. That's nuts. Yeah, it's the shit, dude. Goddamn, bro. It's fucking incredible. You got any dates you want to plug? Yeah. When's this coming out?

Tomorrow. Oh, no way. Yes. January 11th and 12th. I'm doing the denver comedy works january 14th fairfield comedy club uh and then january 26th and 28th i'm down in tampa florida uh and then i got a bunch of stuff coming up rhode island michigan uh long island dc Long Island, D.C. IanFidance.com. B&E with Jordan. Podcast on YouTube, Patreon.

And yeah, thanks guys. You're going out to Denver tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow morning. When are you there until? Saturday morning. He was about to go this weekend. No way. Yeah, just to visit one of my buddies.

Oh, no shit. Why not go on Friday, bro? Because I have spas on Friday. Well, there you go Skip that shit bro Nah dude He's a working comic bro Funny fucking

Fat paychecks Before everything else That's right Hell yes bro That's what Philly's about Hell yes That's what it's about That's who it's about dude

That's right Make it rain like water Let's go Dude well we appreciate you coming on. Thanks for having me, guys. This is great. Do it again sometime, bro. Appreciate you.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Hell yeah.