Son of a Boy Dad - Pork Manti Te'o | Son of a Boy Dad #302
Episode Date: May 20, 2025Pork Manti Te'o | Son of a Boy Dad #302 -- #Ad: Go to https://TempoMeals.com/BOYDAD for 60% off your first box! -- #Ad: Grab a Dew in the new packaging and enjoy the refreshing citrus kick -- #Ad: D...ownload the Gametime app today and use code BOYDAD for $20 off your first purchase -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad
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Hey, son of a boy, dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify,
or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon music.
All right, ready? Yep.
Alrighty welcome back to the son of a boy dad podcast. Today it is May 19th and we are here live from HQ3.
Close.
So good to talk to you.
Almost.
You sound a little congested.
Are you okay?
Congested?
Do you have a cold or anything like that?
I'm a little stuffy.
My allergies have been crazy.
I had a sneeze attack this morning.
I think it was 13 sneezes in a row.
I've never had something like that.
Oh, I have those.
That's like most of the times that I sneeze.
I love sneezing so much that that sounds good to me.
It's not.
It's too much?
No, around three is when it becomes not fun.
And then just every sneeze, you just go, fuck.
Fuck. I mean, I don't know if we talked about here, it's an 87. And just every sneeze, you just go, fuck. Fuck.
I mean, I don't know if we talked about here,
it's an 87th of an orgasm.
That's right.
So.
You're about a seventh of the way there.
Yeah.
Didn't feel like it.
Any drip?
No drip out of the penis?
Is that how it works?
No, but it's like, if you sneeze 13 times in a row,
it's like everything comes forward and
then you just can't breathe for like two hours. Really? It sucks, yeah. You couldn't breathe for
two hours? No, but it's like you are, you'll be congested for like not two hours but like an hour
easily. That was such good math you just did. Was it close? I was, yeah. Yeah. 13 times seven?
Was it close? I was, yeah.
Yeah.
13 times seven.
It's like, yeah.
It's not that crazy.
I was trying to-
You said it was an 87th and it's 13.
13 over 87.
How many times is 13 going to 87?
Isn't that, was that 81?
I don't know, but you could round,
I would round down and then add another one.
Everyone has their own method.
Yeah.
Well, did you say it?
I would go 10 to 90.
Well, did you say the answer? 9th and then you have 13 13
So you're assuming that's probably around another one
It's just the speed with which he had that number that I was so impressed by well
I just got out of bed, and I did it and you're just like afterwards just being like hey like you guys could have done this
Just well, I'm just saying like if I if I was trying to do it. I would have been able to do it
Yeah, well you have made Facebook type shit.
I'm gonna let you have that and you know why?
I don't think it's letting me have it.
I'm saying I had it.
No, but I'm not gonna rise.
You don't have to let me have it.
I already had it.
I'm not gonna rise to the bait.
I already had it.
And that's because I have resolved to be nicer to you.
That's good.
I don't want any beef with you.
I don't want any, I want't want any beef with you. I don't want any, I want every, I want to just, you know,
honor you and your thoughts.
Yeah.
Why?
Because the truth is, is that I'm very fond of hairball.
And I think that our bickering has sort of started to push
into a different territory where maybe I hit it often
and too often.
And I was worried that it was starting to
Almost get confused with with actual animosity. So I wrote him a long test text message explaining that
Or and let him know how I actually felt about him and he said I understand I always know how you feel about me
Don't worry. We're good. What was it? What did the text say? Read it What are you? I think I replied and I was like, yeah, it's not a big deal.
Just thumbs up.
Yeah.
Let's see.
We don't have to read the whole text.
No, we don't have to do that.
Okay.
That long?
Well, it'll, it'll take, it'll take a minute.
No, it's not that long.
You know what?
I think you're right.
I think we'll keep that one to ourselves, but that was the gist of it.
I see.
I don't have any problem ever with giving Harry
a hard time or with giving you a hard time
because I know that from the beginning of your time
at Barstool, a lot of people automatically discounted you
in your opinion because you were younger.
And I know that I never did that.
I always treated you as my fucking equal
that we were on the same plane.
And so I have no problem giving it to you or taking it from
you. Exactly. I think that hairball and I can, can also do that because behind the scenes,
we are major, uh, confidence of each other about comedy. Anytime he has a comedy issue
or I have something that I want to ask his opinion on we we
correspond now I will say that when he calls me for a question I pick up when I
call him with a question it can be days sometimes weeks oftentimes I'll call him
he won't pick up and he'll text me and say what's the issue or what's the
problem I'll just say what's up cuz I will phone calls can be a lot you know
you call me especially when you're busy. I'm gonna
Not gonna let the pulse rise is are you gonna do your own?
Are you gonna do your part to throwing some dirt on the hatchet or are you just gonna let Francis do all the work with?
Burying that I don't have any hatchets
Cuz you buried them all. Yeah, they're buried. I don't have any problems either
So are you like resolving to be on better terms with Francis
as well, or is he just going to be the only one?
I thought we were on great terms.
I never really thought about it.
You're going to come 100% of the way,
and you're going to come 0% of the way.
Pretty much.
That's right.
That's nice.
It's very similar to how we schedule the podcast.
Just meet him at his house.
That's fine. Have you been to Francis' new apartment?
No, I haven't.
Will you ever go?
Yeah, I'm sure I'll go eventually.
Haven't been out that way at all recently.
You should come and check out that boat.
Boat?
The pieces of it.
Oh, yeah, the Brooklyn boat.
That shit was crazy.
And it's one of those things, did you see the video where it was the most recent one I saw Oh, yeah, the Brooklyn boat. That shit was crazy. Crazy.
And it's one of those things, did you see the video where it was the most recent one
I saw where they actually showed the guys dangling from the blast?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Was it the one with the girl taking a, she's like taking a photo of the boat going by?
There are people up there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I felt bad for Mexico.
I know.
Mexico did not look good.
I felt so bad for them because they were so
prideful. They were pumped. I went and visited that boat two days beforehand because I could see it
across the way and I took the ferry over there with my wife and children and we fucking gazed
upon this boat and throngs of Mexicans from Guadalajara and Puebla were there fucking taking
pictures just basking in the shadow of this grand vessel so proud of what it meant
Yeah, because it was a practice run because next year at the 250th anniversary
That boat was scheduled to float down the river as the centerpiece of I think a float Tia
I think of an entire float Tia and
It crashed
I don't know. They're just gonna accept the like except like make it a little smaller entire floatia and it crashed. Well, are they gonna rebuild it?
I don't know.
Are they just gonna accept the, like, accept,
like make it a little smaller?
They're just gonna roll the L?
They're gonna take the L, it's gonna sound like a Y?
I mean, that thing was like,
I was watching a video of like the blue,
of like from the sky view.
And I think, like if you watch where it hit and where the dudes were standing I think
some dudes might have jumped from the top onto the bridge.
No.
Yeah.
I swear to God.
You think?
Dude where the guys are and where the boat hit there were dudes that would have fallen
into the bridge.
Like a Jason Statham movie?
Like landed in front of your car on the highway.
No, no, no.
It was under the bridge.
There was dudes really fucking high up.
Well then that is interesting
because that makes me think that if they had fallen off
of their perches on the mass,
well then they would have died.
Right? Oh, absolutely.
Because people jump off the Brooklyn Bridge
to kill themselves. But I think they were
harnessed in, right?
By the way, before we can,
what is the word for two words that are smushed into one?
Contraction?
I don't know, I don't know.
No, fuck.
I'll look it up.
Because I was gonna say, there's a good word for it,
and when you said flotilla,
I wondered if that was a contraction of flour tortilla.
Because that's a major ingredient in their diet.
What is it?
Portmanteau. Portmanteau.
That's exactly what I was thinking of, portmanteau.
Portmanteau, which of course is a combination of port and-
Yeah, and that's the side on which they toed the bodies in.
The man, the man body.
Untold. Portmanteau.
Portside manteau.
John Porkmanteo. John Porkman Titeo. Just absolutely. But yeah, I guess RIP to the two bros that died.
Yeah, it is fucked up.
Yeah, that's bad.
So the boat was never supposed to go through the bridge.
Probably not.
That's what I was getting at.
But it did have that tug right next to it, and one wonders why the tug didn't nudge it
back on course.
They were trying. I think there was a boat that was trying to move it
because I think the Mexican boat lost power or some shit.
Oh, it's always that way.
Yeah.
I think it's actually the same exact thing that happened
to the bigger boat in Baltimore
that got crashed into the bridge.
Right, right.
And you think-
Terrible time to lose power.
Yeah, what?
That's so insane.
I drive over that Brooklyn Bridge a lot.
And I'll tell you what, if I'm driving across that
and I see a bunch of Mexican sailors spill out
onto the road in front of me,
I'm not sure what I'm doing.
You're like these fucking migrants.
It was pretty solid.
It was pretty- Where did they come from?
You would be pretty surprised
at how well people handled it on the bridge
Well, what could drivers I don't know. I don't know if there was actually people at the top
I was kind of fucking around but the the video that I saw like they all immediate like that
The the cars that were right in front of it like all immediately stopped on their hazards. Well
The bridge was shaking presumably. I would assume so.
Yeah, that bridge moves when you're driving on it with the wind.
Yeah, I would assume it probably got pretty banged up.
I think my last reaction would be to stop.
I would be getting in the fucking breakdown lane, running over bikers trying to get off.
It's always easier to say that than you think, you know?
Like if you're on a train track and you see a train coming,
a lot of people freeze.
Yeah.
I think that there's no breakdown lane either.
It's just two tight lanes and the biking path, I think, is.
I'd get on the subway.
It's on the other side.
I'd surf.
It's on the other side.
I'd surf my way out of it.
He's flag surfing.
I'd subway surf my way out. If they were, if they landed on top of the bridge,
do you think that they'd be so ashamed that they would just
kind of like file in with people?
I think you just got to start walking down.
You're like, fuck, all right.
Like, what else are you going to do?
You can't just sit up there.
They were also, all of the sailors
that I saw two days beforehand were wearing like 1,900
sailing outfits with the blue striped shirts and everything.
Yeah.
I mean, I think it goes to show that it's
time for the Mexican Navy to update their machinery.
Well, two things.
What kind of a naval force is that stupid boat
going to fend off?
Everybody's like, that boat, it looks like an old boat. Yeah.
What is this, Peter Pan?
There's like the plank on the side of it.
Pedro Pan?
Get out of here.
But they were like, the boat is so old it was built in 1982.
Like 1982?
There's like submarines and like boats that could not be detected by radar being built there. Why
are we building the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria? Why are we still going
back to this old style of boat in 1982? But the second thing was this boat was
supposed to go to Iceland like the next day. That's gonna that boat was gonna go
across the Atlantic Ocean. They have some pretty big plans for that boat.
Yeah. That thing had a busy schedule. Yeah. I was going to Iceland in a week or tomorrow.
Yeah, it was a good one. She's through the Brooklyn Bridge. It's really right outside
your apartment. Have you been home since then? No, that's where it is now. Yes, it's the faces of it. It's like just a mangled shipwreck
outside of your apartment.
Most of Dumbo got hit hard.
Well, I saw the people running away from the dock.
Again, it's just something out of a movie.
First they were filming it and everyone was like,
oh no, it's gonna hit.
Oh no, it did hit.
Yeah.
Here it comes, it's coming, run.
Yeah, and everyone was like, why are people laughing?
And I was like, well, yeah, obviously it's fucked up.
It was probably one of the most absurd things
to see in person.
Yeah, look.
And then be like, wait, did that actually just happen?
I think that the only thing that makes it
even remotely funny is that the boat was so preposterous.
Yeah.
If that was just normal boat.
Well, I think it also has to do with the fact
that there were people standing on the fucking, I think that's the crazy part because I think
people saw the crash and they were like they were like that's I didn't think
any I saw it like right when it happened on Twitter I didn't think
anything of it and then the next day I woke up and people were like there were
people on the boat like
They zoomed in and I was like what the fuck?
We shouldn't be laughing people died. That's sad. Yeah things can be true at once
Yeah, it was insane. It was one of the craziest things I've ever seen. Well the Mexican people just don't deserve that
Shame. No, no, there's such good
Good folk. It was honestly like- Such prideful folk.
Right.
Yeah.
I mean, do you think that,
cause Mexico doesn't,
I don't believe they have a whole lot of timber
and that's probably something that they source from America.
Do you think Trump is gonna raise or lower the tariff
on timber to rebuild that boat?
He might, yeah.
Probably.
But it's like, that's like if we did the,
if we had the opening game of the NFL season
in Brazil and they do like the military flyover, one of her planes just smashed through like
a skyscraper.
Someone got shot at the 21 gun salute.
Like that would be a bad look for America.
We would be like, ah, that's not good.
Yeah, but it would be also would be
like if we did the flyover except with F instead of F
fifteen's we used to like the like the original drags the
original banners at the beach or like a biplane. Yeah. Like
what's the plane? What is the original plane? We did it with
the plan. The one where they're on it. The Wright Brothers
plane. Yeah. It's like fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa Yeah. Dude, speaking of America. Yeah. I watched something that I think
probably wouldn't sit that well with
you and might be pretty upsetting for
you in particular.
What?
It was the Netflix
documentary about it.
Oh, I was going to watch it.
That looks sick.
Well, I would I would just warn you.
It touches on a lot of incredibly traumatic events to you.
Oh, 9-11.
Yeah, well, of course.
That's one of the, you kind of just got to accept that.
Well, I just-
For me, honestly, it feels good just knowing, like learning more.
I'm trying so hard not to laugh.
That's my-
9-11 way of coping is just learning.
So you ever see like when people on shark week, like when they get attacked by a shark and then they just go right back to the
water after they get into the hospital. So now they have like one arm.
You got to get right back on the building.
Get right back into the buildings. Yeah.
In shark week they always have reenactments. I wonder if they'll ever get to a point
of having a reenactment of 9-11.
They have one movie, what is it called?
It's like a flight. Flight 93?
Yeah, that movie's pretty good.
There's a few movies about 9-11.
Yeah, but that was like the only like real time one
that I've seen. That one was really cool.
Most of them are just like,
either it'll be like a quick pan shot to a CGI of 9-11,
or it'll be like old footage on the TV.
I thought there was another one where there were firefighters actually getting people out of the rubble.
World Trade Center. They were stuck under the rubble for a long time.
Nicholas Cage.
Yes.
Really? What is that movie called?
I think it's called World Trade Center, World Trade maybe.
Yeah, interesting.
And then there's a Marine who goes down,
played by that guy who's always a bad guy in every movie.
Yeah, who's the bad guy in that movie?
He was in the shape of water,
he was the bad guy in the most recent Superman remake.
Owen, you're our movie expert.
Who, the big Italian looking guy?
He's that guy that's always upset.
It's just always pouting and kind of dour.
All I'm thinking of is that dude breaking bad.
Aaron Paul?
No, the old guy.
Kaiser Soze?
Yeah.
I'm assuming.
I'll tell you the name. It is... The name is Michael Shannon.
That actor, he's in it.
I love Michael Shannon.
He's the marine that comes down,
and I don't want to spoil it,
because...
9-11?
Yeah. I don't want to spoil it.
Basically...
I got a feeling where it's heading.
And then the other guy, it's Nicolas Cage,
and then the other guy who's that awesome,
sort of Latin American actor who was in Ant-Man.
And like SWAT, some shit like that.
They take a pipe and they pull it,
and it's like a bendy pipe, and it bangs against another pipe.
And I mean, they're many, many feet beneath the rubble.
Yeah.
And it creates a reverberating sound,
and this guy, the Marine, goes down
and he's walking across the pile of rubble,
and he hears that, and that's how he finds them, rescues them.
Damn.
Can you imagine being a Hollywood executive
and seeing 9-11 happen and being like,
we're gonna make a fucking brick off of a movie about this?
Yeah.
It did feel...
We're gonna make a fortune.
That one felt a little soon.
I've never even heard of this movie.
I think I saw it in theaters. It was a Cold World trade. There was a big appetite. That one felt a little soon that way I've never even heard of this movie. I
Think I saw it in theaters. I'm sure I did world trade. There is a big appetite I mean, I guess there's always gonna be appetite for shit about that. Yeah, I'm surprised there hasn't been more of I mean
What you guys described is pretty much what I was thinking of as like a hero 9-eleven world trade center is what it was called
What does it have on 9db?
Six out of ten. Ah, there we go
is what it was called.
What does it have on IMDB?
Uh, six out of ten.
Ah, there we go.
I think they were involved in a Katrina movie.
Both of those guys are in a Katrina movie too?
Shannon's got no shame.
No, no. Was it... What goes Shannon was in there?
He's about to do a movie about the boat.
He's about to have a movie about the flotilla.
Yeah.
The flour tortilla.
Uh, so I watched this... I watched this documentary. It's three parts on Netflix.
You watched the whole thing.
Dude, let me tell you something.
I was going to start it last night,
and then I was like, oh, it's pretty long.
I'm going to wait.
Wait.
Let me say something.
Don't spoil it.
I won't.
This, I know the story.
We all know the story.
We've seen Zero Dark Thirty.
We've seen what happened.
You remember. The report. 9- Thirty. We've seen... You remember.
The report.
9-11. Yeah.
The mission report, you have those?
The story...
Adam Driver, great movie.
The story of them... The story of how the Navy SEAL mission came to be,
and the decision-making behind behind that and the risks involved.
It was so much worse than I ever thought.
I guess I just assumed that because our Navy SEALs
are so badass and we have such good technology
that flying into Pakistan in the middle of the night
to go kill a guy in a fucking, you know.
Compound.
Compound, but like one that was made out of clay, wouldn't be that hard.
But dude, it was nuts that they pulled this off.
And there's a lot of heroes involved in the entire capture or the killing of Osama, but
starting with the CIA agents
who spent a decade hunting him.
Yeah.
Hunting this guy.
And then on down to, and I won't spoil anything.
They said, well, I guess we'll check the biggest house
in Pakistan last.
He came in that man.
It's been nine years.
No, they didn't know he was in Pakistan.
Check the compound. They didn't know he was in Pakistan. Check the compounds. They didn't know he was in Pakistan.
You were saying the CIA doesn't know shit?
Yeah.
A lot of people said that though.
A lot of people thought it was faulty intelligence on our part.
Bro, you don't have to apologize.
All good, all good.
It's funny that it took them 10 years to find them and then they found those Baltimore prisoners within like 15 minutes.
Oh yeah. Did you see those guys? It's funny that it took them 10 years to find them and then they found those Baltimore prisoners within like 15 minutes
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you see those guys. That's home turf. I heard about that the note they left
Yeah, too easy. LOL. They spelled it to which again, it's like well, I would have found them within five minutes cuz
They're on proper form of duty. Where are they in New Orleans?
They're on Bourbon Street in like, Bape.
Yeah, they all had Bape on.
And they found him within 10 minutes.
Like, Bape in prison jumpsuits.
They should have gone to Pakistan.
Dude, there is a moment though in this where they're voting.
Obama asks his top advisors
whether or not he thinks that they should do the raid,
give the green light, that he should give the order
to do the raid with the seals, right?
And they only have a two night window
because it's when the moon is at its darkest.
What was the argument for not doing it?
The house is in Pakistan, very near their west point,
very near, like blocks away from their military academy.
Pakistan has played both sides against us for many years.
Their nuclear power to fly into their sovereign territory,
their airspace with fucking helicopters and kill
someone that they have is they could have shot our helicopters down, which would have
theoretically started a war with Pakistan. Also, it would have killed, whatever, 20 Navy Seals.
And then that was in 2011. So the next year was Obama's election year, re-election year.
And in 1980, Jimmy Carter famously had this horrific
mission go awry in Iran where he sent,
they had captured the embassy and he sent the helicopters
with our special forces guys in to go, like, rescue them
or whatever and the helicopters crashed in the desert.
Is that what Argo's about?
Mm, slightly different.
Something else.
Similar thing, though.
Argo's the one with Ben Affleck and he's like...
Yeah, the fake film crew.
Yeah, the fake film crew, yeah.
But it's fair, they were, that is the embassy that was...
I think they got them out and then the embassy was
taken over. I watched a travel video about Iran recently and
they go to that embassy and it's like a museum now and you can
see everything but they make it seem I mean obviously they're
pretty anti there's like all this anti American art outside
of the building about how like just like Mickey Mouse with like
an AK and someone just like Mickey Mouse with like an AK
And someone just like funneling McDonald's into their mouth
But I think it's like that museum of like American lies and shit like that. They're still very
Anti-American I guess we could easily just make shit up and
Make up movie movie plots about like Iran and no one would ever fact check them.
And they're like, what the fuck? Who the fuck is this?
I was there!
They seem like lovely people though.
The people who, there were people who told Obama, I think we should go forward with this.
And there were people who did not.
Who named them? They gave
the names. Really? Of the people that didn't? Rumsfeld? No. The people that said let's go,
let's do it were Hillary Clinton, Leon Panetta, who was the director of the CIA,
and I think that there was one other guy who was for it. He was in charge of ordering sandwiches for the war room, right?
Am I wrong about that?
You always get the spread going.
The most notable person who said, I don't think we should do this.
Who?
Biden. Really?
Wow. Confused ass bastard.
I think Gates was also against it, the Secretary of Defense.
No. Eight-year-old Matt Gates was also in the room.
They were, yeah, and he would have fucked himself.
That's crazy.
They were really concerned about the sort of geopolitical ramifications with Pakistan of the mission going awry.
But dude, it's great. You gotta watch it.
The first two episodes are kind of whatever,
and then the third episode, fucking hell, dude.
It's on, it's, I cried.
I was on the, now granted I was on the airplane,
which always heightens my emotion,
my emotional state for whatever reason.
On the way back?
Mm-hmm, today.
Oh wow.
Wow.
I was crying.
I was really proud to be an American.
Interesting.
I felt really, really proud.
Really?
I wonder if we had something to do with taking down the flotilla just to get American pride
up.
I wonder if there's somebody who cut the engines and was like, you're not about to have the
coolest boat on our river.
Lower the Brooklyn Bridge by half a foot.
They might have lowered the bridge.
They might have taken the hydraulic side of the Brooklyn Bridge.
Because you'd think that they would factor for that.
You'd think that they'd measure.
It's pretty crazy.
Like, they take stuff under the Brooklyn Bridge that's tall every every day these tall cranes that they take down to the shipping containers
And they have to put them at an angle and attach them with cables
They know how to take tall stuff through there. They sure do they sure do freaking sad man. It's crazy
Sad man plaza. I mean good thing. It wasn't a bigger boat
It's a dumb. Oh joke. What if it was a big fucking?
Steamboat I know what it was the Titanic? I know. Well, or a cruise ship. Yeah, I think the fucking piece
that hit the the fucking Brooklyn Bridge. I think the piece that hit the bridge was made
a fucking wood from 1820. Yeah, 1982. 1982. Wet ass, 82 wood. Yeah. The softest year for wood. It's a soft year.
Making a boat out of wood just feels like a bad idea in general. The fact that there was 200
sailors about to go to Iceland just downstairs on wooden bunk beds. You think they gotta sit up there
for the whole trip? Yeah. You think they're up there just like it's fucking freezing. Down there playing spades and they're like, hey, quepazo.
Hey.
Can you pass up some angel piece?
Let me try the dark modello.
I never had that one.
I never had the dark one before.
Save your throat, but dark modello.
I actually love that beer. The dark modello is so good. Yeah. I actually love that beer.
Yeah.
The dark Modelo is so good.
Yeah.
Such a nice lager.
You think it's going to be a stout, but it's not.
No.
It's quite tasty.
It's great.
It's delicious.
It's smooth.
It's smooth.
It doesn't, it belies its coloring.
It's really drinkable.
It's unbelievable.
But the golden one's pretty good, too.
Oh, yeah.
The classic.
It will just have, being able to play with the tin foil
on the top of the modello is nice.
Yeah.
Although if I don't get that right, I get frustrated.
I always have been more of a fan of the,
I always was a fan of the can modello.
Much more than the bottle.
I never loved a beer out of a bottle.
Oh, come on now.
I loved it in a can or a glass.
If you have it in a can,
it tastes, you have that metallic taste in the beer.
I like it.
Okay.
Like 20 Bud Lights out of a can.
I also think that bottled beer stays colder longer.
No.
Don't be, don't be foolish now.
You know that's not true.
Bottled beer warms up so fast.
You know what? Now that I think about it, you're absolutely right.
Oh, by the time you get to that bottom half, nasty.
Nasty. Drinking swill. Swallowed water.
Yeah. Foam. Yeah.
Warmed by your hands. Yeah, it's nasty.
Because I drink my beer, I cup them. Same.
I cup the bottom with both hands.
Now, if you get a koozie in the mix, glass might outlast cans.
Speaking of koozies, how about your precious Celtics?
Yeah, I mean, we accepted defeat on game four, brother.
You did?
Yeah.
We waved the flag on game four.
Yeah.
Very sad.
But you know what?
When Tatum went down.
I thought it was our year.
I thought we was our year.
I thought we were gonna do it all together.
Here's the thing.
You see they just extended Sirianni too.
The Eagles, now that we're talking sports.
Yeah.
I saw that, I said, whew.
I let out an audible, ooh.
Because he just won the Super Bowl?
Well, it's because I have a lot of friends from Philly
and I feel bad.
Because their Super Bowl winning coach got more money
He's a classless thug
We run out of the city next thing that's gonna happen There's no way anything no way it ends well party in the streets for Sirianni and Philly
He said it was only going well right now because he has a good team
Once he doesn't have a good team when he can't afford AJ Brown Devontae Smith Jalen Hurts one Barclays
He's never gonna not be able to afford them Jalen Carter when he can't afford like 10 of the best players in the league. Oh
Man, I know he's gonna be like the mayor of Philly. Remember when the mayor of Philly was like
I don't know why I'm the mayor the city fucking sucks
Politely said that I thought the Celtics were
going to do well this year?
Do not think Sirianni...
When the fans start coming for Sirianni, you don't think he's going to drop a line like
that?
What?
I don't even know why I'm the coach here.
I fucking hate it.
No, I think he's going to be like, all these people talked all this shit about me.
Why can't they just let me live?
It's my prerogative.
He's going out swinging.
It's going to be sad.
You were at the celebration asking for an autograph of Nick Sirianni, eating the eagle
shaped layer cake, having chicken wings.
All I had at that party was a water that I brought from outside in and that was it.
That's not true.
I saw you eating fucking handfuls of cheese.
I didn't eat a single thing.
I saw you grab a mixed handful of cheese cubes from a tray and put them all in your mouth simultaneously,
like a chipmunk trying to store away nuts for the wintertime.
I actually have extremely vivid memories
of me going in 7-Eleven on the way home,
because I was like, the spread there was cheeks.
Patriot spread would be so much better.
You were about to say, here's the thing,
before Harry cut you off. No, no. Talking about the Celtics. Honestly. Spread would be so much better. He you were about to say here's the thing
Talking about the Celtics honestly
Talk about something relevant and he just tried to lash out at me. That's okay. I liked where you guys went better
Well, it's just you know a lot of disrespect right?
Well, you're you're laughing about injuries
No, who is if Jalen hurts, you know, God forbid his achilles explodes in the 2025 season.
I would never be laughing. I wouldn't be going.
It's a shame about our Eagles.
We really thought this year was going to be the year.
N'Kobe Dean did get injured and you're still saying nasty stuff about the Eagles.
See, you see him laughing.
He threw his head back and laughed.
They're like a fucking cartoon character. Dean. Unless it's Cooper, I don't want to hear anything
about a Dean on the Eagles. Cause he's white? Yeah. That's fair. They have a podcast now,
Cooper and Blankenship. I guess called Exciting Witch. Dean. Same thing now. You get it. It's
fine. I freaking get it.
But yeah, I thought it was going to be our year up in Boston.
I was predicting it.
I, you know, clearly the regular season doesn't really indicate that much other than the fact
that the Thunder are looking like they're going to be a very difficult force.
Until next year, when they raise, whenever who else raises the
banner, our Celtics are still the defending champs. Right, I'm satisfied. I think, you
know, when you live in a, or you root for a team and they win the
championship, how long is your thirst quenched for? How many years? I used to
think it would be longer, but it's only a couple years, honestly. I'm so quenched for? How many years? I used to think it would be longer,
but it's only a couple years, honestly.
I'm so quenched right now.
You're still quenched?
I'm quenched.
You're still quenched.
Celtics were still good this year.
They won their first round.
They made it into the off season.
You know, some shit went wrong.
But again, as I've said, the Knicks are, I like the Knicks.
What are your thoughts about the Knicks fans specifically going absolutely ape
shit in front of our office basically hanging Pacers
fans in effigy?
I hate the Pacers.
Really?
I really don't like the Pacers.
Why?
Cause obviously I'm thinking I'm rooting for the Pacers.
Are you kidding me?
And the Timberwolves.
Why?
What? What?
What do you mean why?
Oh, you make a good point.
I like Anthony Edwards.
I'd like to see him win.
He is great.
And the Pacers, I'm not gonna root for the team
that beat the Celtics and injured Jason Tatum,
tried to kill him.
Now that I think about it, I too like the Pacers.
The shade of yellow is off putting is the only thing. Not not a great. I don't like Tyrese Halburn's form
Really bothers me. He's like body. He is the way he shoots
It's like the male form looks like your your son learning to play. Yeah, that is unfortunate
Yeah, there's but the the Timberwolves or the Thunder I think would be nice. I'd like to see the Timberwolves win. I want to root for the
Knicks team, but then I look outside at the, at the thugs everywhere talking
about Bing Bong that still relive in the fucking tour, the COVID years, same
exact jokes. They're just stealing side talks, catchphrase, trying to turn it
into their own thing.
Sad.
I was in Dallas this weekend, and for the Saturday 7 p.m. show,
which is usually the best show,
and it was the most attended show of the weekend,
the Dallas Stars were playing a closeout game.
Yeah, game seven.
Against the Winnipeg. It was game six against the...
You know, actually, you're right. It doesn't matter. It was game sevenpeg it was game six against the you know actually you're right it doesn't matter it was game seven or is game six however you
would like when was game seven there was no game seven but oh okay I'm sorry to
I thought there was a game seven for that game it's more just being the bear
I was thinking of the nuggets that makes sense for I totally I get what you're saying I was I was thinking of a Nuggets. That makes sense. Different sport. I totally get that.
That's probably what he was thinking of.
I get what you're saying.
I was, I was thinking of a game seven yesterday.
I don't know what it was.
Easy mistake to make.
I don't watch children's sports.
Hockey is?
Both.
Well, the Dallas Stars were playing
against the Winnipeg Jets and it was game six
and it was in Dallas.
And if they had not won this game, they were up three, two in the series. Had they not won the game, they would have gone back to Winnipeg Jets and it was game six and it was in Dallas. And if they had not won this game,
they were up three, two in the series.
Had they not won the game, they would have gone back
to Winnipeg for game seven,
which would not have looked good for Dallas.
It had been a tough win for Dallas.
The game was happening.
The game went into overtime while I took the stage.
I would say, or yeah, maybe it was a little, the game was going on the whole
time I was on stage. No fewer than 70% of the audience had their phones on their tables with
the game playing while I was doing my set. Yeah. And thank God the stars won at least so that people could have a good time.
But I've never performed to an audience
that was less interested in what I had to say.
I did a show in Baltimore with a,
while college football final or playoffs were happening.
And it was like that,
but it was surprisingly not that bad.
People were just looking at their phones
and then I would make a joke.
They would look up and laugh
and then just go right back to looking at their phones.
My guess would be that that's because
your material is better than mine.
I don't know about that.
Yeah.
I thought that you would kind of attract people
who don't even care that much about sports.
Well.
Because it's not like you're overly invested
in hockey playoffs.
No, you're right.
But even so, I think hockey's big in Dallas.
That's their team.
The Stars have been very good for a number of years.
And they seem to be a big hockey town.
I have a lot of stories to tell you guys about this weekend.
But I kind of want to just sprinkle them in
because I don't want to.
Share with us.
I would like to hear them.
Is Tyler Sagan still on that team?
He is. Really? as is Brad Marsh and Marshawn's on the Panthers you're
absolutely right I don't know why I got that confused it's because Sagan and
Marshawn both played for the Bruins Sagan was the was a beast on the Bruins
right a little bit of an attitude though that's why we got this one moved
him out to Dallas sounds like you do watch children's sports
Sounds like you're intimately familiar with the transactions of your favorite league the NHL. That was probably what ten years ago
Yeah
Strafted in 2011. I think he was only on the Bruins for what two years, but he won a cup
Yeah, that was Sagan the one who talked about a donut shaped universe or was that Hawking?
Now was Sagan the one who talked about a donut shaped universe or was that Hawking?
Stephen Hawking. Hey guys, let's take a second and talk about game time
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GameTime the official ticketing partner of a bar stool sports and right across the street they have game time tickets for the Knicks. You can see the Knicks, you can see them this week because
they are in the Eastern Conference Finals and I'm looking at tickets right now on Game Time. It's
really just a couple of clicks and you can find incredible seats. New York Knicks, 674 bucks to
get in, pretty good price to see history being made.
Yeah, really. Not bad.
Pretty darn good price to see some history being made.
But, you know, you can get those deals right there. The game time picks.
And the prices actually go down the closer you get to tip-off.
So that might, you know, the price might even be cheaper the closer we get to go see the games over at MSG.
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Summer is right around the corner. We've got warm weather
Baseball games go out on the boat to fish with your best buddy hairball. Oh, yeah Summer is right around the corner. You've got warm weather, baseball games,
go out on the boat to fish with your best buddy here, Paul.
Oh yeah.
And let me tell you something,
nothing goes better with a day of fishing
than a big cooler filled with Mountain Dew.
Oh my gosh, you're making my mouth water right now.
That citrusy kick, I absolutely love it.
Oh, wow.
I love a Mountain Dew, an ice cold Mountain Dew
straight from the can.
Speaking of which, they've got new cans
that look absolutely awesome.
They are beautiful, and they make
me want to go spend some time with Hairball.
Float in the lake.
I love some Mountain Dew.
Love me some Dew.
You know what I like?
I like the original flavor.
I like the Baja Blast.
I like Code Red.
And what I really have been sipping on lately
is that DMD Diet Mountain Dew.
Look at that.
I love that.
So it's nostalgic to me.
I used to get a Mountain Dew after school.
Oh, yeah.
And it would just have me feeling amazing.
And now it's just my number one thirst quencher.
Just like you're saying, perfect summer day like that,
fresh, cooler. the can is sweating.
Mm.
So guys, grab a dew in the new packaging
and enjoy the refreshing citrus kick.
Mountain dew.
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60% off your first box. Go to tempolmeals.com slash boy dad. That's tempolmeals.com slash boy dad for
60% off your first box. Tempolmeals.com slash boy dad rules and restrictions may apply. Well, may I start by saying that I've encountered something, a phenomenon that I'd like to just
address, which is that people have been sending me feedback about me from the internet that's
negative. And I was messaged a Reddit thread about me from a woman.
And I don't like that.
I'd rather that people not do that.
I have no problem if people wanna say horrible things
about me.
Was it at least paired with a nude?
No, she didn't.
She didn't follow it up with that.
What a lying Delilah.
But she sent me this thing and then demanded that I confirm whether it was true or not.
And I tweeted it, but I was pretty pissed off about it. And I don't, I, again, say what you want
in the comfort of your own Reddit threads, but please don't bring me into it. But then, And then this happened again today.
This fan, his name's Luke, sent me a message to say that he sent me this message.
He goes, this is important.
I'm sorry, guys.
I wanted to have this sort of...
Well, the funniest thing about the woman as you pulled that up, you sent the clip to me
and Harry as well. And we both agreed that the most tickling part about that
was that you called that woman a moron.
Yeah.
You moron!
I'm not gonna gender morons.
Calling a woman a moron is so fucking delightful and rich.
You moron.
I did send that to you guys.
Women don't get called moron enough.
No, and they should.
They make up at least 50% of the morons
So so here it is. So this lovely fan his name is Luke. He said hey, man
There are some nasty rumors about you on Twitter. I'll send the link
I don't know if you care or want to know but I'm a big son of a boy dad fan
So I felt compelled and then he sent me the link And this is what someone had tweeted. They wrote,
Francis was caught having sex with a man on tour.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Allegedly.
Which led to a pretty messy divorce
with an ongoing settlement case.
I feel angry that I even need to fucking address this.
It didn't happen while I was on tour.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It was in Brooklyn.
It was at home.
He got walked in on in his own home.
I don't like the fact that I have to even fucking
go into my private life, but I was not on tour
when that happened, and the settlement has been
fucking closed since June.
So just get the story straight.
People are just mongering up these
stories for what?
To what end? It's so nasty out there.
And if you're gonna say
stuff like that, get it right.
It makes it seem like you couldn't get bussy
at home. That's exactly right.
You had to go on the road for bussy.
I don't need to travel anywhere. You had to use your
fans' busses? For my bussy.
You could get bussy at New York. I don't need to travel anywhere. You'd use your fans' busses? For my busses. Yeah. Taking advantage of your boy fans.
You could get bussy in New York.
I'll get a bushel of bussy right around the corner.
The local bodega.
Yeah, go get some bodega bussy.
God damn, dude.
Was it a real treat?
That really pissed me off.
Yeah.
That's hilarious.
I don't know how he found out.
So that was funny, or not funny.
That pissed me off, rather.
Well, it's funny how wrong he was. I haven't been so fucked over by a travel
mishap as I was on Friday in my life. And we haven't actually talked about air travel
in a while on this pod, but that was one of our cornerstones for a long time.
It was as bad as it gets. While you were texting me, I got a notification from New York Times saying,
it's not just Newark, it's all airports.
Well, then I saw multiple comedians missing their dates.
I saw that too.
Oh, really?
Tim Dillon was grounded.
Who else was grounded? Somebody else notable was grounded.
I don't remember.
Couldn't make it out to their Friday dates.
Yeah, not great.
I mean, you know.
I had a 10 30 AM flight, I think,
and got to the airport in plenty of time, checked a bag.
That's the real cancel culture is the flights.
That's exactly right.
That's brutal.
You tell.
You can't even get drunk is the problem too.
Like if it was just like a regular day,
you weren't expecting to perform,
but you made it in time for the late show?
Yeah, I mean, I...
So many things happened.
We got on the plane at the normal time,
then we taxied out to the runway.
And then I don't even think they told us
what was going on,
but we just sat on the runway for an hour and a half, at which point the traffic jam of planes on
the runway, we became the 16th in the queue. And that meant that given how long it would
take for us to get to the front, a member of the crew was going to go beyond their time limit, right?
And the pilots didn't even tell us that it was a pilot,
which meant, I think, that it was one
of the flight attendants.
Yeah, probably.
Which, I'll do her job.
I'll pour the ginger ale.
She can have my seat if she's that tired.
She wants to learn about Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Why are we going back to the gate to make sure,
you know what I mean?
So-
I've had that happen too, it's annoying as fuck.
We had to go back to the gate.
Not for a pilot's crazy.
We sat in the terminal now for a couple of hours.
I tried to go back to the Delta lounge,
but so many flights have been fucked
that the lines, even in the regular line
and then the, like, 360 diamond, all that line,
both of them were extremely long.
Oh, wow.
And I just said, I can't...
Did you go to Centurion instead?
No, I didn't.
Did you go to the American Express Centurion?
I could have, but I worried that would be
quite long as well.
You gotta have options.
So, instead, I just said, okay,
because I was hungry.
Yeah.
Instead of going in to get some tasty treats
in the Delta Lounge,
I went to the Magnolia Bakery,
that is in the LaGuardia,
down by the, it's like Gates 70s,
like 65 to 70, whatever.
Unfamiliar.
And there's a Magnolia Bakery,
and I couldn't decide what I wanted
because they had a big slice of carrot cake
and then they also had a chocolate chip cookie
and both of them looked excellent.
Did you get the carrot cake?
I got both.
But I swore to myself I could not finish both
because that would be insane.
So then I sat down back at my gate
with my carrot cake and my cookie.
And I started with the cookie and the cookie was so good
that I couldn't stop myself from finishing it.
Ooh.
So I finished that and said,
okay, that means I can only have a couple of bites
of carrot cake at most.
And then I started eating carrot cake
and that was also extremely good.
And I looked up and I saw a girl, a young woman,
probably a little younger than me.
She was watching me do this and she started laughing.
And I thought she was laughing at me.
And then I thought she had her phone up like this.
I thought she was filming me.
Oh my God, what a moron move.
And it really made me angry.
And I kinda stared back at her like,
what are you gonna do?
You're gonna take the carrot cake out of my hands?
Then we get on the plane and I'm not making this up.
I'm seated directly next to her.
She is in the middle, I am rubbing shoulders with her.
And I knew she had seen me.
And I said, I knew she had seen me. And I said, I said, I thought, this is so bad.
I thought, I got paranoid because I thought she was filming me because she knew who I was.
Yeah.
And she thought it was funny or whatever to watch me scarf down 10,000 calories.
Correct. And so I turned to her,
cause I had stared at her to be like, what do you want?
Yeah.
And I turned to her and I said, you know,
I didn't realize we would be sitting next to each other.
She goes, what?
And she took her her ear thing off.
And I was like, where do I go now?
Do I explain to her?
I'm the guy from the carrot cake.
Yeah, I thought you knew who I was
because some people know who I am
and I was paranoid that you were violating my privacy
and trying to mock me for eating too much.
And I said,
oh, nevermind or something. And then we went our own way. And then I sat there for like a couple
of minutes, maybe 10 minutes, and I turned to her again. And I said, were you watching me eat
my carrot cake? Is that what made you laugh? And she goes, I thought it was funny
that you had the carrot cake after the entire cookie.
And it had nothing to do with who I am.
And then she was giving me shit about it
and we were laughing about it and it was really funny.
That's right.
And I had a nice time talking to her,
so much so that as that second plane that we were now on
was a different plane, we taxied out to the
runway and then LaGuardia grounded all of the flights due to weather, which at this point meant
that the, I had checked my golf clubs. Yeah.
The only way for me to, at this point I thought I was still trying to make the early show,
but it was like getting harder and harder. Yeah.
I thought, well, if I have to wait for my bags when I get to Dallas, there's no chance I'll make the early show. I said to her, so by the way, I'm a comedian.
And she goes, okay. And I said, I'm about to be missing my show and I have checked bags. And she
goes, and you want me to get them for you. And I was like, well, I would never have asked you that.
But given that you were making fun of me for the carrot cake,
I figure, you know, and she goes, I can do that for you.
And so I was like, okay, wow, I solved this.
I'm going to have this random person
as a result of this fortuitous mockery.
Because you were a glutton.
Yes. Yes.
She will collect my bags so that I can go straight to the comedy club. Did you say it was a golf bag?
Yeah.
Big time.
How old or big was this woman?
She was able-bodied.
I don't know.
She was probably like 30.
But she was spry.
She could handle a golf bag?
Yeah, this is a golf bag that has really good wheels.
She could handle three golf bags?
I mean, she might as well be a caddy.
Let's put it that way.
She could carry well.
She was strapping.
She could spin 36 on a mountainous course.
Really?
Altitude, dunes heavy, whatever. She's got it. She could spin 36 on a mountainous course. Really?
Altitude, dunes heavy, whatever.
She's got it.
Oh my God.
So now I've solved for my bags,
but then the flight because of the grounding
got delayed so much that there was no chance
I was gonna make the early show.
We canceled the early show
and I say you're off the hook on my golf bag,
but thanks for offering to do that.
And then I got to Dallas and waited for my bags,
made the late show, and they rescheduled the early show
from Friday to 4.30 on Saturday, which was tough.
But that crowd was actually great.
They were small but mighty and had a great time with them
and it didn't conflict with the Stars game.
So I had a great time with them.
430 is so brutal though.
Like waking up and being like,
I got like a couple hours I guess.
Yeah.
And I got to get ready.
Yeah.
And I played golf that day at a great spot
called Bent Tree, which was awesome.
That's a long day.
Who'd you play with?
These two guys named Jordan
and another guy named JT I think. And they were all awesome.
Ben Tree was super cool.
We had a good time.
Did you know them beforehand or you just got...
I was put in touch with them via a mutual friend who has golf with them before.
Really, really cool.
And then the next day I played another course called Trinity Forest.
It's the hat I'm wearing.
That was also really cool. So I had a great, I had a good weekend. It's the hat I'm wearing. Nice. And that was also really cool.
So I had a great, I had a good weekend.
It was hard.
Yeah.
I'm not gonna lie.
What were you gonna give the woman as a quid pro quo?
Penis.
My carrot cake recipe?
I don't know.
She was just gonna give you, do you a solid for...
Were you gonna like text her and get them?
I was gonna have to exchange, yeah,
I was gonna have to go find her the next morning.
Would she live in Dallas?
She was visiting a friend.
Oh, wow.
If you were like, you thought my jokes were so funny
that you have to bring me my clubs in the morning.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just get them to me like whenever,
between like seven or eight.
It doesn't matter.
You can just get them to me before 7am tomorrow.
It's tea time.
It's sweet.
That's perfect.
Yeah, just drop them at my hotel.
You just leave them in the lobby.
Till now.
I'm the carrot cake guy.
Oh no, we won't be seeing each other.
There will be no face to face contact.
Was she lovely?
Yes, she was.
She was very dry.
Okay. In her sense of humor. Oh, okay. Did you guys exchange
contact information? No. Really? No. Dallas to New York, New
York to Dallas, long flight. You guys talk the whole time or
you just we didn't talk at all. So that was a lie. He lied.
We didn't talk at all.
So that was a lie. He lied.
You caught me.
You absolutely caught me.
Sherlock Holmes. I fucking knew it.
It's too good to be true.
Egg custard on my face.
Francis loves to do this.
Cream cheese frosting on my nose.
He loves to make up entire stories that aren't true at all.
Thinking about getting out to Dallas this weekend personally.
Major Four.
You are?
For Major Four.
Yeah, Major Four's gonna be sick.
Optic.
Optic's back.
I know.
That's what they're saying.
You see the news?
At three o' Toronto.
I did see that.
I did see that.
And I was wondering if you were gonna bring it up honestly
Because I I was kind of worried about it. Yeah
Well, especially after the LAG 3-2 nightmare meltdown right melts down performance
3-8 3-0 all the way back though 3-0. It's a sweep. Yeah, you're against that against a contender
LAG is not even gonna make it to champs
Yeah, that's I'm so happy for us for all of us
We can all root for the same thing just like same with the Celtics you see I'm not lashing out when I'm like Oh, we're all happy. Just trying to talk ball with you guys. I know I love it. I
I'm gonna tuck ball with you guys. I know, I love it.
I fucking love it.
What'd you do all weekend?
Were you on the road?
I didn't do shit.
I didn't do shite the entire weekend.
Got a great workout in this morning though,
right before I came here.
Who'd you hit? Love that.
What did I hit?
What did I not hit?
How's the soreness?
Soreness is getting a lot better.
I love that video.
Yeah.
Stay with it.
Yeah, I've been stretching,
because I wasn't stretching at all in the beginning.
How do you stretch? What do you like to do?
I do a lot of different shit.
Yeah.
I like to stretch out the shoulders,
like to stretch out my chest.
So I like to go up against a wall
and put my arm like this and walk forward.
That's a good way to do it. You know that another great chest stretch actually is? What? To stand on an old Mexican boat.
Using the mast. And play Red Rover against the bridge.
And the sort of ropes on the boat to hold you in place.
Fully span out. And then if you really want to hit
shoulders after that, once you've hit a bridge, just hang on,
overweight overhead and let your body weight kind of...
Yeah.
Who tied themselves to a mast of a boat
as they went past the Island of Sirens?
Odysseus.
It was Odysseus.
Do you remember what he stuffed the ears of his...
Was it like seaweed?
I think it was like parsley or something like that.
Damn. Why'd he stuff his ears with parsley? I think it was like parsley or something like that.
Damn.
Why'd he stuff his ears with parsley?
No, it was the men's.
He stuffed the men's ears with parsley.
The sirens were these sort of like witches or water creatures whose song was so beautiful
that any man who heard it would throw himself overboard and be dashed upon the rocks and die.
It was beautiful. They were really dry.
So the only person who has ever lived
to hear the song of the sirens is Odysseus.
Interesting. And this was in, like, what? Like, 82?
A little before.
A little before.
It was probably N80.
This was around when that Mexican boat was built.
It was probably actually 82. Yeah. No prefix to the 82. Yeah, better wood back then. Yeah. Better music too, it
sounds like. 82 was when they switched to composite. Imagine how good the fucking music
was back then. Throwing yourself off the boat. Yeah. I don't even know what to do with myself
right now.
Who would that be?
I have to die.
Who would be the modern day equivalent of that
with music wise?
For you it's probably Bob Dylan.
You hear Bob Dylan singing on your boat
and you're fucking throwing yourself off
the carnival cruise that you're on.
I could see like maybe like a little Rasta,
like a little white boy reggae on the water.
You know like on the water. Snow, see the farmer.
We're going to be out on the water in Montana in Yellowstone on July 4th.
You've done it?
Oh yeah.
You locked it?
We planned our trip route, yeah.
You're going to Montana, not Wyoming.
We're going to go both.
Oh wow.
Where are you going?
You're going to Yellowstone and Montana.
We're going, in Wyoming. We're going in Wyoming.
We'll be southeast Wyoming.
There's not a ton around it.
It's closer to like South Dakota than it is to Montana.
And then we're going up through the Big Horn Mountains
and then we're driving across Montana to,
one of my friends is joining us halfway through so we have to pick up one of them.
Is it Francis?
Is that who you're talking about?
That's who it is, yeah.
Because isn't he going to go find you?
I'm meeting them.
I'm going to go do, I wanted to fish the middle fork of the salmon first.
The salmon?
Yeah.
In New York?
Or in Idaho?
In Idaho.
Oh, nice.
But Francis is going to be, he's doing it naked and afraid style.
Oh, hell yeah.
So he's just going to pull up on you, shlong out. You should pitch that to your
boys like hey what if we all just went naked and afraid. I still think it's a great idea. I would be a hundred percent out because you would never
find us. In Yellowstone? What do you mean? Just fucking, just crawling through thick bush. Be careful what you wish for. I would love, it would be the funniest thing to ever happen.
I have my ways.
If I was fishing and all of a sudden
you just emerged from the water.
I have so many ways of finding you.
That would be the best thing you could do.
The best thing you could do is we're fishing
and I'm fishing a hole.
You've already seen us for like an hour.
You know where we're at.
You're just trying to plan the reveal
and you get in the water and you float down the water and then you emerge
through like the hole we're fishing. Snag, go underwater, snag your line on like a rock
and you're like, I got, I got a monster. Come help me, Bo. Bo's grabbing your hips.
Come help me, Bo. Bo's grabbing your hips.
It's just Francis' new bio body.
Francis just covered in mud.
That would be unreal.
That would be so funny.
Or if you go noodling for catfish,
and Francis just bites your hands.
Yeah.
You go elbow deep and naked, Francis just biting you.
Is that what noodling is?
Oh, yeah.
When you catch them with your hand? I think.
What is the one that people go and they like dive
into a hole?
That's scary.
They dive into a hole and grab like they
like carry out like a massive fish.
Yeah.
That's catfish?
I've seen that, but there's like more extremes of it.
Wow.
Where it's like full body fishing.
I watched a video the other day of a dude
jumping off of a boat onto sharks.
And he caught one.
Trying to grab them.
Country ass folk.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
I don't know if I would be down for that.
The bravest Native Americans used to do that
and brave Hawaiian boys.
Yeah.
And now those dudes are just like quarterbacks now.
Oh yeah, big time.
John Challon. They're just like Tua to Timmy Chang, Colt Brennan, Rock Purdy, $265 million. Not
bad for Mr. Irrelevant. Overpay. But they have the easiest schedule this year.
They don't play a team with over 10 wins. That's too deep, too deep in the weeds.
Not quite ball season. Patriots are projected team with over 10 wins. That's too deep, too deep in the weeds, not quite ball season.
Patriots are projected over to win 10 games.
Suddenly that 7.5 bet's not looking too bad, is it?
Projected by who?
Vegas.
God, there's no fucking way they're projected to win 10 games by Vegas.
They are.
Show me the car facts.
Our schedule is a breeze. A Raiders opening week,
dub. Next. I remember very distinctly when I was a freshman in college, my buddy and
I were having dinner right before our lacrosse season and we pulled up our schedule. Yeah. We were like, I don't see any world
where we don't win at least eight games. Yeah. And we went through there like, all
right, Sienna, easy win. UMass, that might be tough. This team, easy win. This team.
And what's it even based on? Do you know the guys on those teams or just like
stupid?
It was like how they were the previous year,
the strength of their program, things like that.
How much better you guys obviously got?
Dude, I think we actually guessed every single game wrong.
We won the games we said we would lose
and we lost the games that we said we would win.
I think we went five and seven.
Dude, not for nothing. When we played UMass, so UMass I think had gone to, and I've told this story
before, so stop me if you've heard it, because I don't like to retread over trodden ground. But
we played UMass, they had made it to the national championship the year before where they got
absolutely destroyed by Virginia. But they were a good team and we were going to play at UMass, they had made it to the national championship the year before where they got absolutely destroyed by Virginia.
But they were a good team.
And we were going to play at UMass.
And they, unbeknownst to us, right before the game,
there were like, a bunch of guys on the UMass team
had gone to a frat party where some other random dudes
had given some shit or maybe gotten into a little bit
of a fight or an argument or something
with a couple of the seniors on the UMass lacrosse team.
And those seniors, some of whom I think
might've been captains, told a bunch of the younger guys on the team
to go back to their dorm rooms and get lacrosse shafts,
baseball bats, and other weapons,
return to the party and beat the shit out of those guys.
Which they did and like nine of them got expelled from school days before our game.
So our scouting report was like,
all right, we really gotta watch out
for this two time all American,
this guy, he's gonna be a problem,
like do what you can to force him to his left hand.
Little did we know he was in like a anger management program.
And you know, none of them were even at the game. So we beat them and we were like, wow, we are good. Yeah, we are fucking
good. And then we lost every game.
I had no idea. Beating someone with a lacrosse like the pole of
a lacrosse stick not even that effective because it's like very
light, very light. It's like beating someone with like a
wooden spatula. Yeah, it seems someone with like a wooden spatula.
Yeah, it seems almost more obnoxious.
It's more like a Puerto Rican grandmom move than like actual.
Yeah, it does hurt though. It hurts.
It does? Yeah.
Getting hit with a lacrosse stick.
Well, so does getting hit with a chancleta.
What's that?
A chancleta is a sandal that like a Puerto Rican grandmom will throw at you.
Oh, really? You take off the chanclas, take off the chancletas and sandal that like a Puerto Rican grandmom will throw at you. Oh, really?
You take off the chanclas, take off the chancletas and whip them at somebody.
Out of all the sports that I played, getting hit in lacrosse was always the worst.
Getting like it like getting like just like when you have the ball
and you're running and someone's just just smacking your right in that little gap.
Yeah. Glove and your arm pad.
You get hit right, especially if it's on the outside
Yeah, just wake up covered in bruises and like I don't even like this sport
What the fuck am I doing? It's terrible
Hockey I ate a couple I ate a couple pucks to the stomach that hurt. Oh, that's a nightmare. Yeah
Yeah, that hurt a lot because they teach you like when you're on defense
It's like you're kind of expected to just eat a puff.
Yeah, you're supposed to go stomach-choked.
Yeah, lie down and use your body as a shield
for the goalie. Yeah, pretty much.
They do that in the pros and it's like
they immediately break a rib.
Oh yeah, all the time.
And you're like, was that worth it?
Yeah.
The goalie was playing well.
Yeah, you're like, do they, they score like technically
like 1% of their shots.
Yeah.
So you could have probably let that one fly.
The goalies have so much equipment that they block the entire goal. Yeah, you could have probably let that one fly
Yeah, well cuz the way that hockey pads are there's no pads below your chest
Like everywhere else is padded except for your red padded. No, I mean your ribs I guess would be it's really just your stomach is completely seems like an oversight
Your stomach's a wide open. I guess those guys don't have soft
tummies like you did when you were 11 playing hockey. I mean, it still fucking kills. Because you could get
hit in the knee pad or the chest and you don't feel a thing. You get hit in the helmet and you don't feel a
thing, but when it hits you in the stomach, it's just like, oh, the one spot. There's no stomach protector
in hockey? No. No. No rib pads? Not that I ever had, no.
You know, they had rib pads in lacrosse,
but anyone who wore them might as well have been a target.
We kind of even had it where if you wore pads
below your shoulder in lacrosse, you were a pussy.
Yeah, you didn't want that little connector thing.
No, you could cut it off with scissors.
No, that was really pathetic.
And then the best, most badass midfielders
wore all elbow pads that were basically just sweatbands. It's like a string. Yeah. It was nothing. Yeah, exactly, the best most badass midfielders wore all Elbow pads that were basically just like a string. Yeah, it was like yeah exactly a sweatband. Yeah
Yeah, you guys should have taken the Tony Hawk route where safety is actually cool. I always pad it really
Yeah, that was always the good kids like the best kid always had a ton of pads on he was just looked like a fucking
Yeah, you look like a juicer out there. I had I had gloves, I had good sized elbow pads, maxi pads,
I had, you know, reinforced helmet, whatever it was.
I was like, I cut off the arm pad,
because I was like, I suck.
So I may as well look cool.
One time when I was in fifth grade,
I was really into skateboarding for about eight months.
You were probably pretty good at it.
I went, I wasn't.
I was okay, not that good.
If I'd stuck with it, I might've.
What could you do?
I could kick flip.
That was the best I could do.
That's pretty sick.
I bet you were technically incredible.
I don't know.
But like your skater style was probably hard to master.
One day I went to the skate park with my friend Tiger.
That was his name.
Yeah.
And-
Was he Filipino or Jewish?
I don't know what he was.
Tiger Woods or Tiger Shulman?
Tiger, I don't remember his last name,
but he spelled it T-I-G-R-E, Tigre.
Is that a river?
Oh, that's the Tiger.
Tigris. Tigris. I'm afraid river? Oh, that's the Tigris.
Tigris.
So you and Tigre are out.
We were at the skate park in Brunswick
and I was wearing a lot of pads.
Yeah.
And there was an older kid who was trying to convince us
that dropping into the half pipe wasn't that hard.
And I had my board hanging over it.
And he goes, look, you're wearing all those pads.
You're gonna be fine.
And I finally mustered up the courage
to drop into the half pipe.
And it went so badly.
I don't know, it was as if every part of my body
that wasn't covered was what hit the walls of the half pipe.
I might've even missed the board completely
when I stepped down and just stepped off
the ledge of the half pipe and tumbled face first down.
Yeah, yeah.
I was in so much fucking pain.
Half, not even a quarter pipe?
No, half pipe.
A whole half pipe.
Half pipe is insane.
Starting at a half pipe is so fucking nuts.
It wasn't like a vert ramp, but it was a half pipe.
Yeah. Full half pipe.
Those you got to fully lean.
Well, that's the key, is that I was leaning back.
Yeah.
And you got to commit.
You got to step down like that.
I think that's called an acid drop in, right?
Just trying to drop in.
That's all I was trying to do.
Is an acid drop, is that when you, it's either that
or it's when they like throw the board
and jump on it
You know better than I do I don't know I really don't know it's one of those you ever see that though
I'm gonna trust what I mean. Ron probably knows Ron knows all the lingo for what skating. Yeah
No, I don't why would I have never skated in my life pushing mango?
Rose like pushing mango. I didn't know about pushing mango and goofy. You don't know pushing mango. You're always talking about pushing mango. I do know about pushing mango and goofy.
You don't know pushing mango?
No.
Really?
It's what the Abuelitos do
before they throw their chancleta.
Yeah.
They push mangoes on you.
Little tahin.
Pushing mango is when you pump with your off foot.
Oh, cool.
Or it's when you put your foot that's on the board
on the lower part of the board.
Okay. And then you pump and then you put your upper foot on. your foot that's on the board on the lower part of the board. OK.
And then you pump, and then you put your upper foot on.
I appreciate you telling me that.
Francis, I keep on getting notifications
from the Cradlewise Cradles that you got us,
that have the picture, they have a video of the kids.
So I just got a notification.
I'm so glad you downloaded the app,
because the GIF doesn't really fully realize itself
until you can watch them sleeping.
If you're not utilizing all the technological aspects of it.
I thought it was so above and beyond,
and I appreciate it so damn much.
It's the least I could do, man.
And you know, obviously-
We're a good friend.
And that's from both of us.
Well, you should have been the one
to really get me back into bar stool
by taking that leap of faith to invite me on the line.
You got yourself back in, bro.
No, you were-
Doesn't know where his bread's buttered.
What?
Who?
Ruh Francis.
He doesn't know where his bread's buttered?
No.
Where is it buttered with you?
St. Rowan brought him back into barstool.
That was all me.
What?
That was all me.
You didn't even know Francis.
I literally had to beg to have him on.
Can I tell you something?
When I first came in, you started making fun of me
for doing ads for bird dogs.
And I hated that you did that.
I don't remember.
You were like, what have you been up to?
And I was like, well, I don't know.
I've been doing this and that.
And you're like, Andrew, the face of bird dogs.
You were.
The face of bird dogs.
I wasn't the face of bird dogs. I had done some work with that.
I'd seen a lot. Most of the ads I was seeing went from you because they were using you on YouTube,
weren't they? And Instagram.
Yeah. Well, either way, and then Rohn kept coming back to like other things and you kept
reiterating it. And I was like, are you mocking me for doing, trying to get paid work?
You know, I did what I could and I didn't understand it,
but it took me a while to learn your sense of humor
and, you know, basically come full circle to realize that,
you know, how much I value you.
Well, it was actually, it was really jealousy from Sass
that he wanted that bird dog.
I would love it.
He was so damn bad.
But that was the best quarter bird dog ever had
when they had you on every paid ad on YouTube.
You were on a lot of YouTube ads.
You gotta make it somehow, you know?
How much they pay you?
So much.
No.
The face.
Here we go again.
It's true. You were.
It would be like every YouTube
video probably be like you gonna go to bird dogs this weekend? You little bitch?
I'll be like holy shit it's Francis. I drove past a graveyard this weekend and I
couldn't help but think that a graveyard is like a sounds like a like a slow
person from Philadelphia came up with that term.
It's kind of like an unceremonious term.
I guess cemeteries, the more beautiful...
Cemetery is the more proper.
Yeah, but a graveyard...
Did you hold your breath while you were driving by?
I used to do that.
Same.
But I don't know what it was for good luck.
Because if you breathed a little bit, you'd die or something.
You'd die, yeah. That used to be the leading cause of death.
Yeah.
One time what happened?
Well, the only time I hold my breath at a graveyard
is when I'm exhuming corpses to see and steal the jewelry
with which they were buried.
And to assess for.
What good is it doing them?
Yeah, exactly.
I fucking.
To assess for romantic partners too when you're exhuming.
Yeah, but if it's too late, you know those holes
You can't feel anything. That's why you got to be first to the punch
I used to work at a restaurant and I would have to run home through the graveyard every night and it was so fucking scary
It would be like 2 a.m. And I'll be sprinting through a graveyard. There must have been another that was the quickest way by a lot
You'd be surprised. There was no part of you that said,
maybe I should take a little bit of a more circuitous route.
Honestly, cause our town is so quiet,
like walking on the main road felt scarier
than walking on the woods.
And sprinting through the graveyard.
It was probably scary for everybody else,
just seeing like a kid right through the graveyard.
No, I don't think anyone would have seen me,
unless they were visiting.
Or their ghosts. Yeah. It was like behind some old church and it was like not, it wasn't a Catholic church,
but there was there was not a lot of people buried there. It was probably like 20, 30. It was funny
how much I think I used to run home as a kid. Oh yeah, sprint. Or not even as a kid. Like in
college you just like get drunk and it's like it's a 20 minute walk home from this party
I'm just gonna sprint. Oh, yeah
I'm gonna run as fast as I can you ever run home drunk. Yeah
Yeah, and you get home sober and you're like, whoa, it's so sweet. That was great. I feel fine now
I have a friend from home that does that like still to this day
Like we'll be like what when I go when I go home and I'll hang out day. Like, we'll be, like, when I go home
and I'll hang out with my friends, like, we'll be, like, hanging out.
I'll be like, I'm gonna run home.
That people are so bored by...
It's like a 45-minute walk.
Yeah. I have a friend who walked 14 miles home once.
Jesus Christ.
He was in a resort on an island or something.
Damn.
Um, you know what I was thinking of?
Uh, which I missed the boat on this, but I really wish that I
had made a video at the right time of me ordering a bottle service sign that said, fuck anti-Semitic
bottle service signs.
Yeah.
And having them come out with like a huge amount of Ace of Spades champagne.
Yeah.
Very meta.
That would be very meta.
Wouldn't that have been meta?
That would definitely be breaking the fourth wall.
Damn it. You should have broke the fourth wall with that one.
And then get like a smug photo of you standing over it,
like pointing up.
Is that what the kid did?
No, that's like, I was thinking of the balloons guy on Twitter.
You ever see that guy?
I don't think so.
He'll like write like gay ass messages on like,
in like balloons and then he'll post in front of it and be like, hmm. Uh-huh. Twitter, you ever see that guy? I don't think so. He'll write gay ass messages in balloons
and then he'll post in front of it and be like, hmm.
Uh-huh.
And it'll be like, can't all people not be racist?
And it'll be him standing in front of it like.
Or it's like, why not more dessert?
Yeah, yeah, less dessert or more dessert, less hate.
And it'll be him spread out in front of it.
People have hated that guy for over a decade.
And he has been at it.
And he's just been, he has not let up at all.
Yeah, he's the face of bird dogs now.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.
Make sure he's parlaying it into.
I'm sure he's doing ads.
I'm sure he does a photo of the fucking gay quote
and then in the bottom there's smaller balloons
that are brought to you by.
Or it's like steak gambling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, steak gambling.
Yeah.
Oh, shoot.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
All right.
Good up.
Should we wrap it up?
Yep. Cool.
I only have one major date left this spring,
which is Chicago.
That's June 8th weekend. There's only Rosemont tickets left,
which is an awesome club. So I hope you'll come out to that. Then I have a ton of dates in the fall.
Also, Tire Season 2. Keep an eye out for that. That's coming up June 5th. Tickets for all my
shows are at punchup.live slash Francis Ellis. Hope to see you there. Anything?
I got nothing yet. Nice. All
right. No you definitely have something coming up. Just plug
something in the future. I don't have anything coming up. I have my dates for
this summer and fall aren't even up yet and they're late summer fall. I'm gonna
be at Pilot Light in Knoxville. Hell yeah. And I'm doing Scruffy City Hall on the second night.
Come see me out in Tennessee.
Cool.
Sweet. Close was over, still, still underground. I looked older, till you came around
I was only falling one way
I was only falling one way
Days were drifting
For was I
So, so then you listen
Now I come alive
I was only falling one way
I was only falling one way
I was only falling one way
I was only falling one way
Fetish to your eyes
Did you realize
No one can take me alive
I was only falling one way
See it just a distant light
Feel fast forever bright
Call it just a memory
Take my hand and you can see I'm Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Finish to your end
Did you realize
No one could take me alive