Son of a Boy Dad - Rufus | Son of a Boy Dad #285

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

Rufus | Son of a Boy Dad #285 -- #Ad: Go to the App Store and download the free Experian app now! -- #Ad: Go to https://vuori.com/BOYDAD for 20% off your first purchase. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, son of a boy, dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. There's nothing like clearing the full chat of hot dogs. Oh, of course. Great feeling. Yeah, she popping up, you know, I really hit one out of the park there. Yeah. You can get all questions. All questions.

Mark's so crazy. All thumbs marks. All question marks. All thumbs down. I just threw a ha ha at you. Bro, it's too late. I got your real little pity ha ha. Alrighty, welcome back to the Son of a Boy Dad Podcast. Today... What is today? It's the day after St. Patrick's Day. It's the Today after St. Patrick's Day.

It's the day after St. Patrick's Day also known as March 18. We are here live from HQ Trace. It's nice and early. What time is it? 11. 11. Rowan, you got a little extra froth on your black coffee. Nitro cold brew. Nitro cold brew. I don't know what that is. I don't know what. I don't think I've ever seen anything blacker than that. That's the Travis Pastrana crossover with Starbucks.

Yeah, I split the S in my Starbucks. The Nitro Circus meets Starbucks cold brew. I split the mermaid's titties. That's what you gotta do. Can I ask, do you guys, I have such a bad thing where... I know what you're gonna say. Do you guys jerk off to the mermaid on the Starbucks cup? God damn it. How did you know?

No, what is it? Bad thing or what? Well, when you say it's March 18th, I know my billing cycle for my credit cards ends on like the 24th for whatever reason. Yeah. And I want time to elapse as quickly as possible so that I can get to the end of my billing month

and have my bills be as low as possible. I see, I see. But that just to me means that I'm allowing money to be something that wants me to accelerate time in my life. That's bad. That's terrible. That's really bad. That's my

mentality. I'm like I'm already at this amount like you gotta stop. I really don't want to go any higher on that number. The higher it gets you know the more fucked I'll be so let's just if only I could skip the next week. You gotta stop blowing your load. You're blowing your load too much. You're gonna start dressing the same way for it. What's the day again that it resets? The 24th. So what is the 25th? You go out, you get a little crazy, a little blow. Yes, I'm buying credit. I'm buying blow with credit cards. No, I'm saying maybe a little blow. My drug dealer has a stripe account. He's very above board. Files his taxes. Do a little blow. He's got children in the back of a car. That's your idea.

You want everybody else to be on drugs because you're a fucking... Rowan, you're literally actively doing drugs right now. As we're speaking. Yeah, and you want everyone else to be on drugs. I'm not, I'm never on drugs. You want everybody to be like dragged down with you. There's never been an episode ever where I've ever been on drugs. And that's fine, I'm happy to be on drugs with you.

I'm not on drugs. I'll crawl through the mud with you, brother. You keep on saying coming up with this narrative that I'm on drugs and that's fine I'm happy to be on drugs with you. I'm not on drugs. I'll crawl through the mud with you brother. You keep on saying coming up with this narrative that I'm on drugs. You're actively doing drugs. You don't want to be alone at the bottom. You don't want to be alone at the bottom. Misery loves. It is clear like I was thinking about it because I was like Rone's been hitting the Penn Stiller like way more often recently than usual. Don't call it Penn Stiller bro. And I think it's because I think he's trying to I think he's trying to blow his Load before he's got Francis and Harry jr. Running around

Because he knows he's not gonna be able to be hitting the hitting the Benjamin, bro I'm gonna teach them right away that it's legal in New York Why don't you get him a copy of your book that you're 50 pages into and we'll never get any farther along? Oh, that's so negative and ball with the way you play video games, if you read a page a night, I'll be shocked. I actually didn't play video games last night. Why don't you read that book for video games and not the jewel? Because I don't want to quit video games. They're the only wholesome thing in his life.

What, if you applied half the amount of time that you play video games to Don't say stand-up comedy. I was gonna say I was gonna say picking up the cello or or some some pursuit Anything you could master it Like Bob Dylan in the five years or whatever it took to film that movie And I'm better at Call of Duty than Timothy Chalamet ever will be. I don't think you are, bro. I think if he took the five years and method acted to be you, he'd be like ranked in the single digits. You don't even know.

I do know. You genuinely have no idea how talented I am. Do you think, did you ever see that clip of Timothy Chalamet in the car with Kendrick Lamar where he's like rapping old? Isn't that recent? Deep cut songs. Yes. I don't think I saw, I don't think I ever watched the full video, but I know what you're talking about. Do you think that Timothée Chalamet knew that that sort of interview or whatever that video was was coming and he just

went and memorized a whole bunch of really deep cut Kendrick Lamar songs to put that forward, or has he actually been that big of a Kendrick Lamar fan? I could see him being a big Kendrick Lamar fan just because he's not that much older than me, I guess, and Kendrick Lamar was... The fuck does that have to do with it? Because I was a big big Kendrick Lamar fan like I know a lot of Kendrick Lamar

I don't think it has anything to do with your age Kendrick Lamar is like 38 I'm not there's a matter how big how he how old Kendrick Lamar is it matters when he was very like when mad city came out Timothy Xiaomi was probably in what high school college yeah you high school kids did listen to a lot of music. Okay, nevermind. What would you guys prefer? I just don't reply to the question? Wait, I'm adding, that was a riff.

A riff? Yeah. That was a strike. That was an attack. Strike back, counter strike then. I'm not, look, I'm not in the mood to argue right now, I'm just in the mood to get along, fun. Mm-hmm. I'll go kumbaya. I mean I took I took Yeah, you two did come at each other's throes about the drug problems that you share

I don't have a drug problem ron has a I would I Accepted mine. He didn't pick the pen. I back up until he saw that you had fucking become mr. Cheech and and Chong and back up until he saw that you had fucking become Mr. Cheech and Ann Chong and if I'm honest with you I've seen what's happened to you and I've actually gone the other direction. I've been peeling back. Oh interesting. What's happened to me? You stopped drinking. No I've been drinking plenty. I do drink a lot. I'm drinking a lot to the degree that my voice is hoarse. I talked about that. You probably don't even remember though, because you were fucking hammered when you talked about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm proud of my drinking.

That's actually fucking rum in that cup. I'm leaning in. It just has a tall cup of iced rum. If you just were getting a Long Island iced tea right now. Yeah. Just fucking shit faced. Times at 11 a.m. I'm drunk right now.

You'd like that, wouldn't you? What? Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Uh... What? Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? I was trying to say the name of that country singer, Willie Nelson, but I couldn't think of it. He's the biggest part, Snoop Dogg. Yeah. Fucking Cheech over here. I was just listening to some Willie on the way in. You were always on my mind.

I was listening to a little, little, Luke and Bartexas, you know that one? No. Really? I'm more of a Glen Campbell guy. Luke and Bartexas is a phenomenal song. I'm more of a Galveston. You guys gotta get on that.

Glen Campbell. Out in Luke and Bartexas, ain't nobody feelingin' no pain. I'm more a Galveston, oh Galveston. I'm so afraid of dying. Glenn Campbell gave it to us straight, bro. He was just like, I'm terrified of death. Fucking wild lyric. But back to Kendrick Lamar, I haven't

been able to listen to him since he came at our comedian brother Andrew Schultz. Oh, no. Of course. But war on comedy is fucking sickening. Yeah. So war on comedy. That was a little bit of a virtue signaling lyric, I thought. By Kendrick Lamar.

Yeah. You don't come at a fucking comic like that because then it's war with all of the retards. Well, you're coming at a trained assassin. I mean. I think that a rapper being like, don't let a white comedian joke about black woman, you know. I agree. I would say, I don't think rappers should be doing that.

Because I'm sure, and Schultz could take issue with a lot of Kendrick Lamar's lyrics over the years, if we want to go the woke police route. Yeah. I think we should just get Kendrick on Kill Tony, squash this whole thing. Just solve it in one minute. Yeah, see his minute.

Just see if he has it. Yeah, can he actually compete? Yeah. I'm so hot right now. I'm so fucking hot It was your covered in a fucking alpaca It was 34 degrees this morning. It was like the widest birth of temperature 34 going up to 61 today

What are we in the desert? It doesn't make any fucking sense So it was 41 when I left I'm on the temperature. I'm sure you are I'm on the temperatures ass. Yeah Heating up on the temperature. No, I just look like a dope. What brand is that undershirt? The same one I wore you thought it was like the tenet ease are those corduroys? Uniclo by any chance no PC dub PCM. Do you think he's buying unique low? No, I don't know good brand. He's a credit card dead He doesn't he's buying Uniqlo? No, I don't know. Good brand. He's in credit card debt. He doesn't fucking shop at Uniqlo.

Yeah, if I was shopping at Uniqlo, I'd probably want time to slow down because I'd be enjoying my life. You know, one thing about being suicidal that's actually kind of nice, is that when you think about how much you should be putting away for your 401k, you just don't.

Right. Because you're like, well, I'm never gonna get to 59 anyway to access this so I can just have all my money now. Yeah it's like the fable of Jacob and Esau. I wish I knew fables because they end up on the New York Times crossword questions quite often. Yeah I'm not a big fable guy. What is the fable of Jacob and Esau? Esau was Jacob's... Twins, they were twin brothers. It was a biblical story.

Yeah, like by Lewis. But Sneaky Jacob tricked Esau out of his inheritance. Is that right? Oh shit, like Dane Cook. How did he do that? Like Dane Cook, it was basically Dane Cook. Yeah, Dane Cook. He was just a sneaky bastard. Jacob went on a podcast. Yeah.

Yeah, you know a lot of people do one of that. Speaking of bruddas, did you guys watch White Lotus? Yes. Not the newest episode, please don't. No spoilers, no spoilers. Can you leave for a second? Francis, why don't you pop out? I'm not popping out, I'm not coming back.

Can you wait in the hall for a little bit? Honestly, the Patrick Schwarzenegger character should have been you. I know. That is the clearest role I've seen where I thought I would actually, I'm sure a lot of actors feel this way, but I thought I would have been able to play that role

pretty well. Yeah, yeah, I agree. You have dominated that role. They need to throw you on a lotus because there was a character season one that was like, I guess a little similar to you, but you would have played the role extremely differently than the Darios.

I mean, I could see you legitimately getting casted in that show. Like it's not, because it's not a show where they really cast A-list celebrities. Yeah, we say that. And then you're like, oh, who did they have for the role? Oh, Patrick Schwarzenegger. Yeah, yeah.

Unfortunately, Francis De Niro didn't get the role. Why don't you just change your name for Hollywood? Why don't you just change your name to like Kudrow? Yeah, Kunis. Kunis. Frank Puccino. Francis Kunis. Francis Kunis. Frank Pacino? Francis Kunis. Francis Kunis. I took my mother's name.

Oh man. I saw Mila Kunis in Ashen Kutcher in Chicago. Couldn't believe it. You told us that story. Where did you see them at a food place? I could see Mila being on White Lotus. They had a son that was just your age. Is that so? No. They had toddlers. Mila Kunis and Ashley. How would they have a son that's your age, Francis? Hairball. I thought we had a wave for the white flag of truce. I thought you brought that out You want to turn this into a fucking? Join Kendrick Lamar side against his comedians We'll be lobbing drone strikes at each other all day fine by me Kendrick Lamar's famous

Or his favorite battle rapper was a dude tech 9 who he always talked about I know tech 9 Yeah, I know no no he's a different tech 9 a guy from Philly who wound up No, I think I know tech 9 the battle rapper. Huh Philly who wound up knowing I know tech nine the battle rapper, huh? I said, I think I know tech nine the battle rapper. What's the line in his? I don't know his fucking lines Okay, well he killed himself because he was a pedophile Damn and that was Kendrick Lamar's favorite. He didn't even know that there's a procedure now. Yeah And if you don't get that one listen to episode Whatever the last episode was.

Episode. 283. You didn't even, it must have done it before the medicine had caught up. So I've been getting weirdly into the Call of Duty Pro League to the point that- I saw you tweeting about it. It is weird to the point that like I keep almost accidentally bringing it up in conversation like it's football. Well, I've been hearing you do this. Yeah. You said it yesterday. You talked to green

green wave. Green wall. Yeah. But like I like like like I was like, I would be in the green room this weekend in Vancouver and I'd have the urge to be like, what do you guys think optics going to do about the Kenny situation? You're just ahead of your time. Yeah. Like I was like, I would be in the green room this weekend in Vancouver and I'd have the urge to be like, what do you guys think Optic's gonna do about the Kenny situation? You're just ahead of your time. Yeah. Like this is how we're gonna be talking. It's pretty sick.

Did you see the Dodgers against the Giants? Yeah. It's gonna be Optic against FaZe. Yeah. It's pretty sick. Big news, they just dropped, they dropped Kenny days before the ring ceremony. Okay, so is this teams, professional e-sports teams?

Yes. That are playing Call of Duty as the, do those e-sports teams play multiple games? No, but like each team has, like so Optic has like a professional Halo team too. I see. It's funny how it's become cool guys because when e-sports started.

This isn't cool guys. Definitely not? No, this is like what you'd imagine. Yeah, that's what I imagine. Like the cool guys are like the streamers who are like... Optic affiliates. Some of them are like retired pros who now drive like Lamborghinis and shit. The guys that are actually on the teams are not cool. They're not the cool guys.

Good, because you can't be, like you can't have like the broccoli haircut and like be Riz and Livy done if you're like, if you're nice at video games. These guys are all like, most of them are like 300 pounds. To be on neon stream. Yeah. It is funny. It's like they like, they all like lose a shit ton of weight after they retire. Like they're fucking linebackers Like Taylor LeWan Like I'm not even kidding like the best pros in the world after they retire

They all get like jacked and lose like 70 pounds because if they have enough time to focus on video games Yeah, hey green flash. Tell us tell us your secret to all your weight loss. I don't know after all those years I finally stood up secrets all your weight loss. I don't know after all those years I finally stood up. Finally got out of the chair. And the career span is like seven. They like start they go pro and they're like 16 and they retire when they're like 25. That's got to be low key depressing.

They're like 25 and they'll be they'll be videos and they'll be like I've just been like like I know it's like getting close to that. I'm getting close to that age where like I can't really compete anymore. Yeah. They're formula one racers. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, I mean, NFL, the average NFL career is like 2.6 years or something. So guys come into the league at 21, 22, and they have to, most of them have to find something else to do by the time they're 25. Yeah. What would you, what would be your go-to?

What would you try to do if you were in the NFL for two years and you say you made like... I'd buy a bus. Well, like how much money would you make if you were in the NFL for two years? Like minimum. Like a million? A million. Yeah. You have a million dollars? So say you made a million dollars.

But you don't have a million dollars because you bought a chain, obviously. Well, I wouldn't have. You bought a fucking gaudy chain. I would have bought a lot of Brunello, Cuccinelli clothing on sample sales. I probably would have spent more than the guy who bought the chain. Yeah.

That's got to be kind of gratifying. You know that Kanye lyric where he's like, you know, white people get money, don't spend it? Yeah. You're kind of like spitting in the face of that lyric. It's like, no, I'm just spending differently at the same rate. I always spit in the face of Kanye West,

especially since he started coming after Harry's people. Your agent, the Jews. Now- Actually, I don't think our agent is Jewish. No. Which explains a lot about your careers. Which, indicative of a lot of things. That's why Harry's going to play Vancouver

for very little money. It's probably why you didn't get with the white lotus role. Yeah. He's not my- You had a Jew up top. He's not my TV agent had a Jew up top. He's not my TV agent. A Jew up top. Hey, I like that question though.

Yeah, what would you do? And I'm not just saying this to give the right answer. If I had a million dollars, well, let's say $700,000 and I were injury rolled out of the NFL at 24, 25. 25, I was saying. 25 is lucky. Yeah, I know. But you said, whatever, two and a half years, right?

So I know that if you get injured and you can't play, they give you an injury settlement. That makes sense. Maybe not everyone, but I know a buddy of mine who's actually an incredible lacrosse player. His name is Will Yateman. He played at Maryland for all four years, but he was huge. And he was a really good athlete and he ended up going and playing. He played for the Patriots. Really? Yeah. And he was on special teams and he got some some runs.

I don't think he was just a practicing player, but he was in the league for a couple of years maybe. And then he and then he got injured and he had an injury settlement. I don't know what it was. Might not have been a ton, but they kind of pays that. I wonder, does the team pay it? Does an insurance pay it? Maybe it's the league even, or like there's some thing in the players union that says if you get injured and you can't do it anymore, we'll like give you a payout or something.

There probably is something like that. If I guess, cause it would make sense. I mean, you're, it is kind of a risk. Violent sport. Yeah. You're playing and you're playing a sport where I always, I always think about that, like in the NFL, like when you're w when they're walking out of the tunnel Like in the NFL, like when you're walking, when they're walking out of the tunnel to like go into a game, like odds are one of those players will not play the rest of the season. Like, do you think they think about that when they're running out? Like this could be it. My career could end today.

You can't think about that. Like, I mean, how many, how many season ending injuries are there per game? My guess is that. Like genuinely, it's got to be like there per game? My guess is that- Like genuinely, it's gotta be like one per game. This is my theory. It's that so many of them are already dealing with like nagging things. Yeah.

That they're not thinking about the career ender or the season ender. Yeah. Right, they're just accustomed to like, you know, I had to split my finger or tape my hand up. Or I have a mild calf strain, this, that, and like I've taken a bunch of fucking painkillers. I'm ready to run through glass.

I can't feel any part of my body. I've taken a bunch of pre-workout and I'm ready to go rip someone's face off. And then in that mentality, there's no way you're thinking about it. Yeah, until four minutes into the game. But you can't think about, as a guy who's watched probably 500 Eagles games in my life, you can't

be thinking about getting hurt or any possibility of injury, even if you're recovering, because you just have to be thinking about the play. If you're like, hesitant for a half second, that's like the margin of difference in speeds between the fastest guys yeah I guess you just got it you got to trust your QB you got to trust J Hertz trust your QB is not gonna be throwing hospital balls yeah yeah but I was

only for Jalen Hertz that's his specialty you don't even fucking start the slander Jalen Hertz because I'll have Philly on your helmet though I'll wallow in gilly through that door and fight It is crazy that that the that hurts got one ring and people are trying to add him into like the burrow Fucking Josh Allen Mahomes conversation. Wait, why are you talking about? No, we're trying to compare him to Lamar Mara zero range Lamar is the greatest NFL player of all time. You're Lack of knowledge is right next to Drake may of course Your lack of knowledge is a blight on your record as like a pretty intelligent person.

I would go back to school, is what I was trying to get to. Yeah. And I don't mean that as like- Havid? Huh? Havid? Wherever.

Suffolk nights. I would go get a, I would go, if I didn't have my undergrad degree, I would go finish that. Yeah. And then I would get a master's. Or try to go to business school. I don't know. Whatever I wanted to do. You wouldn't try to get into media or something? I guess the odds of that are even harder than it is to get into the media. What fucking network is

going to hire you after a two and a half year career? You'd have to be really good at media. You know, Greg Olson just got unseated and he had an illustrious NFL career and was incredibly good at the job. Some hot quarterback is just gonna come along and take your media job. Yeah, I guess that job is statistically way harder to get than it is to get into the NFL. Absolutely. I guess it is harder to do what we do than be in the NFL. Yeah, true.

Holy shit, I didn't even think about it. Shout out to the press. I got what you could do. Maybe Yale drama school. Ooh, I mean. That's the best drama school in the country. I can see you being like a professor. I think that if you go into the NFL and you make the NFL

and you're like, holy shit, I've made it. I know that I would go in thinking, I'm going to have a 10 year career. Yeah, yeah, of course. And then at 34, I'll have a pension from the NFL and I'll have saved my, only spend my fucking endorsement money, save the salary, and then live off that. And then after two and a half years, you're out, and you realize, okay, well, I need to stop making plans. Because, so to that end, I would say,

that's why school to me would be something that just gives you more options. I can't imagine going to B school, though. Business school would be one that would give you a lot of options, though imagine going to B school though. Business school would be the one that would give you a lot of options though. It would, but it'd be so, I mean, it'd be probably pretty hard. I guess on the bright side, like with the NIL contracts now.

To get in or to stay in? To get to stay in. As a guy who's made, who's been like an athlete his entire life. Yeah, I guess, you know, I just know Justin Tuck went to Wharton. So did Brandon Brooks, a former Eagle, went to Wharton. DeBrickishaw Ferguson went to, I think, Darden at UVA.

And he's now in private wealth management. I mean, those guys are probably making more money than they made in the NFL. Because if you combine your connections from the NFL and the fact that you can get through business school, you're probably a fucking beast. I think that also if you were in the NFL, like a banking job or whatever, or a trading job

where you have to entertain clients, being a guy who can go out on a Tuesday and Wednesday night to sauce up some whatever, some potential clients. And it's probably fun for a client to be like, oh, I'm at the Brickechaugh Ferguson's table. Yeah. And you're like, yeah. And the AFC Championship round, boy, I was lining up across from so and so. And anyway. Look at my hands. Look at my hands. Someone passed me the oysters. I can't get my mitts around. All my fingers are backwards.

Anyway, what do you guys think about coming on board for a five mil? The dude Hunter Renfro was a receiver. He was on Clemson, won championships there, and then was on the Raiders for a couple years, had a good season with the Raiders, and I think that he was just like, he's like a real estate agent now or something.

There you go. All those jobs, like car salesman, you know, real estate agent, where you can like somehow parlay the image you built. Even if you're not a marquee player into selling something, I think is a good thing to do. Yeah. I think I was gonna say,

what I was gonna say was I think it a good thing to do. Yeah. I think I was going to say, what I was going to say was, I think it's probably good, the NIL contracts probably help people in those situations now. Because realistically, if you think about it, most people that are going to the NFL probably have some sort of NIL deal where they're getting some sort of money. So it's like, you also can factor in that money. Yeah.

On top of a short. And you can know how to manage and spend your money earlier on than just when, as soon as you get to the league, that's the first money you ever got. And you're like, I'm going to buy my mom a house. Yeah, exactly. That's a great point. I think that now with the NIL money,

it almost, for a certain caliber of college player, incentivizes you to finish your degree. Yeah, oh, 100%. Caleb Williams lost money going to the league. Yeah, a ton of people do that. And I think that that's because you're finish your degree. Yeah, oh, a hundred percent. Caleb Williams lost money going to the league. Yeah, a ton of people do that. And I think that that's, cause you're like, whatever, I'm making, you know, roughly a rookie salary for another year of college.

Yeah. I'll get my degree. I don't know if anyone's thinking that far ahead, but. I'm sure they are. I'm sure if you're not like a fucking top pick. Like if you're not like a, if you're not like guaranteed to go and like the first like two rounds, I'm sure you probably contemplate staying in college and taking the NIL money. What do you think the streamers do after they graduate from the,

or they retire? Like the CDL guys? Yeah. That's what we were. I was talking about that with Mook and Matt the other night. We were, we were wondering that. Peters? Yeah. Yeah. Cause we were saying I was talking about that with Mook and Matt the other night. We were wondering that. Peters? Yeah. Yeah. Cause we were saying, I wonder how much those guys make and then I wonder how much, what they do when they, like I know the, it's, I mean, it's the same as any sport.

Like that's not. That'd be sick if they went to the NFL. Yeah. I mean, it's the same as like fucking like lacrosse or soccer where it's like in America, like the people that are okay, don't make anything. The people that are the top people make a shit ton of money. And then when they retire, they make even more money from streaming.

Oh, they go into streaming. Yeah. Yeah. Most of them. They become sort of, they go solo. Like the optic guys, like scump, optic scump. He's like considered to be one of the best Call of Duty players of all time.

And he retired probably two years ago. And now he's probably making, Jimmy's making millions of dollars. So he retired because he knew he would make more money going alone. Yeah. Why did he even stay in it that long? Because it built his profile. To compete, why did he compete for that long? Yeah. Because I think they're like obsessed with competing.

Can't he compete as a streamer? Yeah, but you don't, like he wouldn't have, like you don't have the time. Like, because the amount that those guys practice, they practice for like eight hours a day. So then you don't want to really go and stream right after that. I guess my question would be, don't you practice for eight hours a day? No. How many hours do you, be honest. How many hours do I play video games a day?

A week. A week. A day. A day, well, because I don't play every day. Right, okay. That's why I want to say a week so we can average it down to a day. Okay, fine. I don't play every day and like, like I played this week or like this past week, let me think,

like I played, I didn't play at all during the week Until I got to Vancouver. I played I can't be true. It is because I was we were filming for the I Would have ordered stuff. Yeah, but don't you don't late. That's during the day you play at night though, right? We were filming like until like a 10 p.m. I know but you Don't you get home and say I want, you got home from your shows in Vancouver and you wanted to play, even though you had a eight, 30 There's a lot of factors like mook streams Mondays and Thursdays.

So I don't play Mondays and Thursdays cause you want to have a full team. Yeah. So this week I played, I played Friday for maybe two hours, tops Saturday, I played for maybe an hour. And then Sunday I played for probably two hours tops. Saturday I played for maybe an hour. And then Sunday I played for probably four hours. And that was the total of video games? Yeah.

No wonder you suck. Yeah. Yeah. You're just not, your numbers aren't there. No, I'm not practicing nearly enough. So like your parents have to like kind of let you just play as much video games as possible from the ages of 12 to 16. I don't want to make it to not yours specifically. I'm saying like if you want to make it to be a pro by 16, you have

to put in like four years of like, yeah, but I think it's also like they know no because No. Because there's not a moment that, it would seem to me that every professional call of duty guy on one of those teams just had a moment through the early years of them playing as a kid where their parents were just like, I've given up. I've given up on getting this kid to do their homework.

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that's a whole thing, but I think it's also like, I think the age that people go pro at, I think it's like they, like you, I think they have an idea, like the people around them are probably aware, like this guy's one of the best in the world. Genuinely. OK, so I get that there's an inflection point where

all of a sudden your 14-year-old son presents their PayPal account, and it has $45,000 in it from streaming or whatever, where the parents are like, OK, you know what? You knew, and we didn't. Yeah. Go forth and prosper. But up to that point, it's either parents who just do not give a fuck. I can't imagine that there are a lot of parents

who are so keyed in to the realm of video games as to be aware that their son or their daughter is a prodigy and to, you know, basically be like, I'm gonna be your agent and I'm taking 10% and we have an incoming call from, you know, Red Dead Redemption. Would you consider picking up the sticks for that? Like,

Competitive Red Dead Redemption. Yeah, this new PlayStation controller, I know it doesn't have the hand cooling fan, but they're coming out of Japan and they're offering us 10,000 for you to just take a picture with it. You don't even have to use it. Hand cooling is not something you'd want.

You want hand heating. You can do what Andy Roddick did and actually tape the controller and pretend like it's the new Babylon racket, when in fact, it's the old one that he's more comfortable with. You know? Yeah, I really don't know. I really don't know.

But I think the gap between professional Call of Duty players and someone like me is so insanely large. And the thing that's interesting about video games versus professional sports is if Derek Henry was, at verse like professional sports is like, if Derek Henry was like, there's no situation where out of nowhere, I would be playing against Derek Henry in football. You know what I mean?

No, but then it makes me ask. But there's a situation where like a professional Call of Duty player could get into a lobby with a bunch of people that suck. And like say they're not even, they don't like, it's a kid, it's a 17 year old kid, doesn't even know he's pro yet. So this sounds more like golf.

I feel like golf, you could wind up playing against like a pro, it could be some kind of pro-am shit or something. Yeah, invitationals. Are there scouts? Serious question. I don't know enough about the competitive. Are there like scouts for video games? I'm sure.

Given the size of the e-sports world, I would assume that a lot of the traditional ways in of true professional sports apply there too. But there's recruiters, and there are guys that work for, you know. Yeah. What are the major video game companies? Who makes Call of Duty?

It's like Activision, Treyarch. Yeah, so like Activision probably has some guy or team of guys. It wouldn't be Activision directly. It would be like the teams. Dude, why wouldn't it stand to reason? That's like saying NFL would have Scouts as opposed to the Seattle Seahawks. Yeah. Yeah, but why wouldn't it stand to reason? That's like saying NFL would have scouts as opposed to the Seattle Seahawks would have scouts.

Yeah, but why wouldn't it stand to reason that Activision would want to know who the upcoming young stars could be? But don't they have, they rank it all? It's like, yeah, I mean, there's ranked play. So it's like, if you're, like, you could, like, if I played hard enough and I was good enough, I could get into the top 250 of ranked

Which is visible for anyone to see so obviously like out of nowhere if there was some dude who was The fifth topped ranked player in the world and wasn't cheating You'd probably be like teams would probably be like who the fuck is this guy basically My question is how do I get the ronetwins by like 12 years old? You got to get them started. That's what I'm saying. Is it a coaching system? Because NFL that's the ship is sailed. Look at my legs. Yeah, I mean, look, like, I've thought about it before. And is

there some is there any resentment towards my parents a little bit? Yeah, that's what I mean. How can I undo the sins of your parents? So my children can become Yeah, because look, like I was probably the best at any call of duty I've ever been, was probably Modern Warfare 3. And that was when I was probably like 12. And... So now him never doing his homework makes way more sense. You know what I mean? But it's such a Sophie's choice though, because if you don't do your homework, you're gonna end up, in most cases,

with fewer options that lead. Let's just say, let's put it this way, there's, how hard it is to be on the NF, there's 12 teams in the CDL and they all have four players on them. It's nearly impossible to be on one of those teams. Right. Right. So if you're like, we're not going to make our kid,

we're going to be fine with our kid getting Ds and going to school two days a week. It's a terrible idea. It's like being the parent of a skier. Yeah. We had this ski school in Maine that was called Carabasset Valley Academy, where they just would ski from 9 AM tillm. till three or two.

Yeah. And then they'd go to like an hour of becoming an Olympian. And they had. I grew up with people like that too. And they had, you know, a racing team, and then they had a freestyle and like a moguls team. Yeah. And we had some kids at my school who for the winter

would just kind of drop out of school and go up there at Sugarloaf and they would go to CVA for whatever, four months and come back and get back into math class and they've missed, you know. Yeah, I grew up with people like that too. Half the year, half the curriculum. Yeah.

So your odds of actually having that pan out to me. I always wondered though, if that was more so, if that was more so like, like we're doing this to try to get you into a good college under like a scholarship, or if it was like genuinely like, we're hoping you're gonna to go to the Olympics. But I think that it's not even that bad of a proposition because

I think a lot of kids just don't get the fucking lessons anyway. Like they don't, none of it like hits their brain. Like they zone out in class anyway. So like missing a year of math, like you might want to just being dumb anyway. You might not have that in you when you're sitting in class. At least you got a little, got tired out a little bit. But that's a big chicken egg thing. It's like, are they dumb because they, you took them out and put them into ski school?

At least they know how to ski and they're dumb. Some people just wind up dumb. Yeah, right. Some people is just garden variety stupid. Because if it's, if it's not Olympics, you're a lifty, right? With that pedigree. Yeah. What's a lifty?

The guy that slows the fucking chairlift down as you sit down. Yeah, that's like, yeah, you're right. Smokes more weed than Harry. So we're talking about a legend. Well, we're talking about a guy that's going to die at 50. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the...

Yeah, I guess the risk is like, you probably have to be unbelievably good for anyone to be like, this is something you should pursue. Let's put it this way. Growing up, and obviously I was before the rise of e-sports, but if I had grown up now, I know my parents well enough to know that for me to convince them that I had a brighter future in video games than I would had they, you know, from them continuing to push me in school and whatever other stuff, I would have needed to present them with like full blown checks.

Yeah. And be like, hey, here's my college tuition. But I think that is... Still want me to go? I think that is what people like, I think that's what it used to be like, is that like you would go compete in like minor tournaments on the weekend or like challengers tournaments and then like if you want those like maybe your parents would be like

okay, the only exception would be if you had a parent who was also obsessed with video games, which is now probably like, guys aren't aging out of video. Now guys are playing video games until they die. Like we're getting to the first iteration of nursing home video game players. I swear to God it's coming. And that's probably a sweet nursing home existence. Yeah.

Like I mean me and my friend like, like Bo will always throw out shit like, like, well, what we're going to be playing Call of Duty when we're in our forties. And I'm like, yeah, 100%. Right. I'm figuring that. Yeah. Go, go, go. Jesus Christ. Hello? Guys, if you are unaware of the most unbelievably comfortable and awesome looking clothing to wear for workouts, for golf, for whatever it is that you want this spring, good shorts, good athletic shirts, all that stuff. Try Viori, okay? Viori is incredibly versatile and comfortable,

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Alright, well, you know, what do you want to talk about? I? Don't know Well, so what I was gonna get out was the I Clip out my wife my gameplay for call. Oh, yeah, you started clipping it out Yeah, I clip it out and I accidentally, like the settings got fucked up on my PlayStation and it said it so that it recorded my audio of me speaking as well.

Oh no. But it didn't record anyone else's audio so it's just me talking to myself in the game. I'd like to hear that. It's pretty brutal, I'll play it. Well you don't have to do it now. It's kinda funny. Is it funny that. It's pretty brutal. I'll play it. Well, you don't have to do it now It's kind of funny. Is it funny enough? It's pretty funny. All right, give us a few seconds of it Give me give me a little taste and then I'll I'll decide if I want to watch the rest of the video

We'll preview let's see. I have been making some good food. Yeah? You can just, I'm letting you queue this up. Should I go? Yeah, go ahead. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Got one down. Weak as fuck, weak as fuck.

God, I'm a squad wipe. Let's fucking go! Alright, yep, totally worth it. Totally worth it. What does squad wipe mean? That was when we were playing Warzone, and that's like a battle royale, like the Hunger Games. It goes down to one team at the end, starts out with like a hundred peopleale, like the hunger games. Like it's like, it goes down to like one team at the end.

It starts out with like a hundred people and then it's like, you pretty much try to kill everyone to win at the end. And like we took out a full squad of people so they don't come back, they're dead. They're back to the lobby. So that you won. We beat those guys.

We ended up not winning that game. Okay. Got it, got it. But it was a, I did a little three piece, which is pretty impressive in Warzone. Nice. Means I took out the whole team by myself. Nice.

And you said weak as fuck. Yeah. About them. That guy, I meant the guy I was shooting was weak as fuck. Oh cool. Yeah. And then I killed him. That's great.

Can I say, I would like to come watch you play video games. Yeah, I don't know about that. Why not? Like, what, like come sit and watch? I don't know about that. Why not? Like what? Like come sit and watch? I don't know, just for a little. I'd like to come smoke some of your weed. I don't have any weed for you to smoke.

Well, now you're just fucking selfish. You tell me you can't spare one of your 4,000 pre-rolls? No, I don't have any pre-rolls. But yeah, we could definitely get you. I mean, you should definitely get on. You should get on the games. No, it's too late for me. I don't think it is. It's definitely too late. You said you used to play Halo. Halo hasn't changed much. Yeah, I know. But come on, dude. Honestly, like you guys would never want me to play with you

because I would, it would take me way too long to get, you guys are gonna keep getting better and I'm starting here. I can't close the gap. I can't close the gap. I don't think you'd be that much worse than MOOC well that's insulting to Connor it is but it's true I just don't see it I don't see myself getting good enough what did you be on you watch me play for the first time ever yeah you're terrible but I I still had got five kills but that doesn't, that's like a whole different. I can't figure out if you're trying to be complimentary because at first you were like, you should try, you'll be okay. I think if you gave it like a week. And then I was like,

well then I did okay that first time you're like, you're terrible. I, yeah. Don't do it. Yeah, you are terrible. But I think if you- I've never played. I know, but that's what I'm saying. I think if you gave it like a week of playing consistently, I think you'd be like, fine. Like I think you'd be like, you'd understand it more. Yeah. And you'd like know what you're doing. Sometimes I think about video games the way I think about like skateboarding.

Yeah. Where I watch clips and I'm like, that's awesome. Yeah. And I like the idea of it. I like the vision of myself having that as a hobby to myself and looking forward the way that you do as a treat to, okay, I've gotten through my work. I've gotten through my day.

And instead of me fucking around to try to find some new sports documentary on Netflix to watch for three hours to wind down or two hours. I'll play video games with my friends, which is collaborative. I do like that aspect of it. That it's clearly a team thing and somebody that you bond with your buddies over. To your credit, you correspond with your close friends more than maybe anyone I know. Oh yeah, we keep in touch. You say that you FaceTime and talk to Bo and Peters and all them every day. Yeah, every day.

The fact that we can call Bo in Spain on FaceTime in the middle of the day and he just picks up and isn't like, boy, I haven't heard from you in a while. I'm glad you caught me. It's a rare good moment in between, you know, my siesta and my whatever. Yeah, I don't know. All good? Yeah, everything's great. Cool. What are you boys talking about? Video games. Video games still. I guess the move is just to make your children well-rounded. Like you can't specialize. You can't over specialize

or you hope to over specialize in something because like the chances are it's not gonna work out. Yeah. Do you ever see Searching for Bobby Fisher? No. You never saw that movie? You would have liked that movie. No. Did you ever see that movie? I don't think I did. I'm familiar with him though. The chess player who disappears. Yeah movie's about a dad, an overbearing dad played by Arquette, David Arquette? Okay, wait. No, John Cusack, excuse me, John Cusack. And he has a young son who's probably like seven

and is a chess prodigy. And it's about him trying to cultivate his son's chess ability. And he becomes totally obsessed and hires a grandmaster to tutor him and all this stuff. But there's a moment where he has an angry conversation with his son's kindergarten teacher. And the kindergarten teacher's like,

I feel like there's a lot of, this chess thing is taking a lot of time away from his ability to grow. And the dad's like, chess thing? This chess thing? You wouldn't even understand the gift that my son has. And I think I can see, you know, us having that same conversation if we're trying to push our kids forward in video games

with our kindergarten teacher. I mean, I think, yeah, it probably comes down to like, you probably, anyone that's that good at like that, at that call of duty is probably good at other things too. What, you're concerned what? I can just see that conversation where the kindergarten teacher's like, yeah, we so we assigned the kids to do some finger painting and your son drew a leaderboard with blood drops coming down.

Yeah, I really, I mean, it's got to be something where like, how does, how does anyone get into any creative or any sort of an overbearing parent? Traditional. Yeah. How does anyone get into any creative or any sort of an overbearing parent? That's not like traditional. Yeah. It's a parent who just is trying to impose a success. I convinced my parents to let me drop out of college to do this. Because you were making money.

I wasn't making money. That was offered you had money. There you go. You had a literal job offer. Yeah. With benefits and a salary. Yeah. So to me- But it was also a contract for one year

and it was not a lot of money at all. Okay, but my point being that is exactly the comp I would use for video games. Yeah, give it a year. No, that you can present your parents with a money-making opportunity and say, I have this, I foresee this, this is how I see this going, I've built this and

like people in my position tend to go this route and this is the five year tenure trajectory or whatever. And get off my back, I know what I'm doing, you know, me staying in school to broaden my horizons or whatever, I'm just going to be partying. I'm just going to be wasting my time and we'll save money on college tuition, yada, yada. Yeah. I remember when my rap battle started going viral and it was the summer of my junior year of college. I was pretty convinced that I was going to drop out of college. My mom was like, do not do that. What are you fucking? What

are you thinking? Like, please do not do that. Basically, well going into senior year. Yeah, she was like, just finished, get your degree or whatever. And it's like, I'm on one hand, I didn't ever use my degree for a single thing in my life. Yeah, two degrees. I haven't used either of them for fucking anything. But on the other hand, I fucking wandered in the wilderness for fucking like six or seven years before I was like constantly making good money. So it's not like I had a money making option on the other side of it anyway. Yeah. Do you think that that period of wandering was you benefited at all during that period from the fact that you'd finished college?

Not at all. Really? Not at, not once. My first job was at like a bar as a roast beef cutter. And you would have been able to cut that roast beef without having finished at Penn State. Yeah, that had nothing to do with it. I was so overqualified for that job but still somehow bad at it. And then like my next job's like working at Uji Wuji or whatever fucking odd jobs I did or fucking battle rap shit

or fucking like selling websites for the Catholic Church. None of that shit required a fucking degree. All that shit I basically- Scamming. Nigerian print scamming. But hold on. I don't know that it's- Degree all that shit are basically scamming but Nigerian Prince Lot of money for you all you have to do is give me your first dog's name Your mother's maiden name, please. I Can see you getting into scamming like post-college. I'll be so sick. I definitely have buddies that scammed.

One of the actually they were scamming going into college. They went to Penn State's first like opening weekend and they went around from room to room, two friends specifically, and one of them wound up in jail at one point. But they sold, they went like dorm room to dorm room and sold frat passes, something that just doesn't exist. Yeah. They're like, you want a frat pass for this year? It's $120 every party. And kids are like, oh shit. Every party for the entire year. And they're like, yeah, you just, they might've had bracelets or something like that. Like, yeah, have your, here's your frat pass. That's crazy. We started, my senior year, we started trying to go to, there were always these, I think they were called,

was it bracelet parties, I guess maybe? Or like ticket parties? Like BC and BU would throw these ticket parties. Where you had to, like someone over there would rent out a bar and you would buy a ticket for whatever, 25 bucks, and then you'd go and it was like, I think all you could drink or maybe you got a deal on beers, but you had to be invited to be part of their list or whatever. And we would have one connection for like 40 of us or 30 of us, would know one person, a girl who would invite one of them. And she was like, I can get you on the

list. And she would send him the ticket. And then we would go to the same like printing and copy center on Mass Ave that we would use to like photocopy textbooks that we had to buy for classes, which were like 150 bucks or something insane. And then we would just get one up, we would all split the textbook and then literally photocopy it for like 20 of us so that we didn't all have to buy the book.

I think it was totally illegal. But we would go to that place. Which it shouldn't be at all. Well, you're doing to a copywritten book what you're doing to like burning and pirating music probably. Yeah. But anyway, the point was we would go there and we would get, it was like laminated passes, laminated tickets. And so we would get the exact one done, laminated, and you'd get like 30 of them and they wouldn't be that expensive.

And we would go to the bars and we would have to go early because with our added numbers, they would reach fire capacity. Yeah. And we would displace. Like 40 people. 30 people that were actually legitimately on the list. And this created huge ill will from BC, Northeastern, and BU towards...

The Harvard men? The Harvard, like, pirates. And then sometimes, they'd get in, their fights would break out. I'm sure. And there was a period my senior year in the winter where it was almost like every other time we went into Boston, somehow we'd get into a fight.

And I had to tell our team, like, I don't think we should be doing this. Hey fellas, knock it off. Because I knew of a college kid from Maine who went to Bates and he was on the lacrosse team and he was trying to break up a fight and he got stabbed and killed.

It was like a big, really sad story. And so I like read them the press release on that and was like, I think it'd be better if we didn't get into fights every night with rival schools yeah yeah we should probably slow this down so you guys were a bunch of scammers yeah they didn't like us holy shit well what he's on Tuesday that was the BU bar we would go to they have known that you guys as you're going in are like the Harvard guys like you're going in are like the

Harvard guys like if there was if it created the ill will why didn't they nip it in the bud is my question. Well, because it was a bouncer at the door who was reading off a list and or like not even reading off the list just checking the tickets got it and we would go in we present them and they look totally legit and we would go in and then would present them and they looked totally legit. And we would go in. And then there'd be like later in the night, there'd be some huge hullabaloo.

Yeah. And then we'd probably get kicked out, at which point we'd run into the throng of guys. How do you like them apples? Who were like, fuck you, stop coming to our parties that you're not invited to. You were on the other end of the good, you were the guy, you were the, We flipped the script. You're gonna be serving, you're not invited to. You were on the other end of the good, you were the guy, you were the, uh,

we flipped the script. You're going to be serving, you're going to be serving me and my kids fries on our way up to ski trip. To sugar mountain, to sugar love. Well, I don't know if we, we didn't say that you're saying they said that to us. No, no, you said that is what he's saying. Like you guys were on the other end of like you guys were the Harvard guys at the bar. No, we weren't. We were trying.

We were we were sneaking our way in like a bunch of townies, like a bunch of you guys. And and the like the rich B.U. kids were ruffled. How are you trying to convince people that you were a B.U. kid? Were you were like fucking up like the addition on the tip or? No, I'd be like, I'd be like, yeah, I'd be like, do I know you from math class? Yeah. Do I know you from, yeah, I remember-

Pretending. We took a class- Carry the decimal. Yeah. Could someone, I don't know, calculate? Like no one has a calculator here. I'll just give him 15 bucks. I don't know, it's easier. Calculator? No one has a calculator in here! I'll just give him 15 bucks. I don't know, it's easier.

Like that scene in Goodwill Hunting where he's like, Do you have any idea how fucking easy this is for me? Do you have any idea how hard this is? 10%? You gotta totally pretend. But that's what I'm saying, we were the Ben Affleck's. We were going up to girls and being like, don't I know you from... From history?

Yeah, surveys. Yeah, it was surveys. Surveys. Yeah, surveys. Yeah. What's funny about all this is that if you had, it's kind of like how you're saying, if Harry had spent the time playing video games, studying, like if you had spent all the time that you spent in Harvard

scamming and fucking getting into fights with B-U kids, you would have been half of a Winklevoss at this point. You're not wrong, but yeah, I guess I don't know how that doesn't end in jail for me in prison. Yeah, you would be like the guy in the white lotus, no spoilers, who is very concerned. The guy who's based on Thomas Ravenel from Southern Charm.

Oh, is that who that dad is based on? Yeah. I love the dad. The dad's the best character. No, the mom is the best character. The mom's the best character. The mom is incredible. The mom's pretty good.

What are you talking about? Yeah. You're gonna come live over here for a year with a bunch of hippies? She was amazing in Best in Show. Wait, that's the last episode, isn't it? Yeah, I'm halfway through it. Oh, OK.

I haven't finished it. But I've already seen the meme, so I know there's a big moment. You guys remember the character in Best in Show? Yeah. It's like a completely different type of Waspy rich person. She's got huge range. She was in You've Got Mail.

Yeah, yeah. She's an amazing character. She was in You've Got Mail. Yeah, yeah. She's an amazing character. She's in a lot of old shit. How do you know who You've Got Mail is? Because I looked up her IMDB, bro. Paul is, bro. How do you know You've Got Mail? Because I knew it was that girl movie I didn't watch along with Sleepless in Seattle.

Oh my god, all of those Meg Ryan rom-coms are must watch. Must watch. Meg Ryan did, actually I guess she did it it for me in that movie IQ where she was like Albert Einstein's like daughter or some shit don't watch those You gotta watch me ride Rob comes with like when Harry met Sally all these are not watching Tom Hanks You can't convince me to watch that fucking Sally It's an awesome movie it's truly an amazing movie. Is it Woody Harrell? No it's Billy Crystal. Who directed it? Oh I don't think it's I don't think it's Woody Allen but it's the woman who died who

necessarily died don't like it's the woman who died who wrote all of those rom-coms and she was amazing. Molly Ringwald. Is it like a good rom-com? Dude, it's a good movie. It's a good movie. Isn't it more, I think it's heavier on the rom though. Correct me if I'm wrong. It's pretty funny.

No, it's funny. You're talking about a chick flick. Yeah. I'm not going to argue with on this. It's good. It's worth watching. When Harry Met Sally is a perfect movie. Perfect movie. I would call it a perfect movie. And your name's... Like I'd call The

Departed a perfect movie. Okay. I don't disagree. I think when Harry Met Sally is a perfect movie. I think Groundhog Day is a perfect movie. Interesting. I think Apocalypto is a perfect movie. Interesting. Apocalypto ruled so fucking hard. I think Back to the Future is a perfect movie. Good movie, good movie. Kind of weird though when he's like trying to fuck his mom. I know, yeah. So I don't know.

That's a little white lotus. Fucking the mom would kind of take it down from perfect. Movie was good. There's that one weird part. You doing that John Mulaney, Amy Schumer bit? What's that? When he tries to fuck his mom? I'm not familiar.

John Mulaney does a bit about that. About what? About in Back to the Future. Back to the Future when he's trying to fuck his mom? Yeah. What is the bit? It's literally that. Yeah.

Something about like, you know, it's a little weird when he tries to fuck his mom, or when his mom tries to fuck him. You, John Mulaney, and Amy Schumer really have a love triangle of love. Triangle, it's a triangle of... Wow, they'll walk in behind the guy, and Amy Schumer takes from you,

and you take from, it's just, you're on the same wavelength all the time. Have you never encountered that bit or I haven't listened to said that joke yourself and then had people comment that it was a John Mulaney bit? The Back to the Future thing? Yeah.

I don't think I'm the first person never think it was weird that it backs the future That's not what I mean. I thought you had said that before and then had people get on you about John Mulaney. No, that was another different John Mulaney joke that he stole. Different John Mulaney. Oh, you're taking all of John Mulaney's bits? He's lifting full specials. He's like, don't you think it's funny when you go to church? People got mad at me because I made it. I did a joke a while ago. It's pretty good Mulaney. I did a joke a while ago. That's pretty good, Mulaney. I did a joke a while ago about walking home behind a girl

and being worried that she was thinking that I was following her. Yeah. And then I guess he had a bit where he's on the subway and there's a girl. It's from like an, it's not even from like a special, it's from like an album of his. Yeah.

And a Grammy winning album like that nobody saw. I didn't, I never listened to a John Mulaney album. You never listened to the one where he talks about why he quit drinking? No. Oh, it's fucking good. Dude, I haven't listened to, I haven't seen most of John Mulaney's stuff. He talks about going to like high school parties and how he had this one friend, they would go to high school parties at people's houses where the parents were away, and they would like cause a ruckus.

And he had one friend who was a psychopath who, what he would do is he would go upstairs into like the parents' bedrooms and steal family photos. And John was like, why would you do that? And he goes, because it's the one thing you can't replace. So funny. You know that bit? I fucking love that bit. Yeah.

It's really good. Yeah, I never got into John Malay. My sister's always been a huge John Malay fan. Dude, he's so good. I mean, I know I've seen his biggest jokes, like shit like that. Did you watch the special? I've like the Timothy

Shalem a bit the boy. Did you watch Bill Burr's special? Yeah, I'm keen to. You liked it? I thought it was great. I liked it. I didn't think I thought it was I thought it was very, very good. I thought a little bit more. It was just like I'm not like disparaging his jokes or perspective. It was just like more sentimental than, than like funny at some points. Yeah. I'd agree with that, but I liked that. Yeah. But he had some amazing, that guitar center shit was hilarious. The guitar center bit was hilarious.

The shooting range shit was hilarious. Yeah. I thought it was great. I mean, I thought like, I also thought Schultz's special was really sentimental, but I liked that as well. I didn't watch his. I thought it was good. I thought it, yeah. I thought that was really, really good too. I saw his I didn't watch his. I thought it was good. I thought it yeah I thought that was really really good too. I saw his I saw the bit. I thought it was sentimental too. I saw the bit about the doing the coming into the cup and he said that

they would be it had like a line that said like Phil to here. Yeah. And he was like give me a contact lens to fill up. That was like the trailer that played that. I thought that was very funny, but I never got around to watching. I was working on a bit for a while there about the process of going to like. Oh, I have, because I forgot. Yeah, you did that. Yeah. But I never fleshed it out. Yeah. And then I bailed on it. I thought I had a good punch line.

I had a good, I think I finally got some new material that is gonna be good, which I'm very happy about the funny part I had in that joke about going to the Come doctor the come doctor was that they have They have porn DVDs and then over your headphones. Oh, yeah that are like still sweaty from the last guy and and then there's a chair. There's a chair. A leather chair with no no tissue paper covering. A leather chair is nasty. And rather it be a beach chair. Yeah. And I said. Plastic neck chair. Yeah, and I said something about how I liked the idea

you could feel the ghosts of men and it was interesting to stand in the footsteps of men who would quite literally come before you. That was my punchline. That's a good punchline. And I don't mind half burning it cause I'm never gonna tell. It never worked out?

It does feel, there is like a, so I went in the same rooms to get my shit looked at and they fucking, my chair was also leather and it was split, like the leather was like split with it like coming out. Yes. Like someone would like sit hard. Yeah.

And they had the same pee pads I use for my dogs for you to like sit on. It was fucking insane. It's insane that that's like something that people have to do. Dude, I can't even when I go to the doctor and they make you pee in the cup. I can't. I just I just don't do it. That little room feels like where they signed the Declaration of Independence. Like it has like this like air of like history in there.

Dude, I go to the doctor and I see in the room for like 15 minutes and then I come out and I'm like, I can't, there's just no pee in me. I brought some from home. They're like, do you wanna drink some water? And I'm like, it's not gonna do anything. It's just gonna go, I'm not gonna piss. The waiting room for the fertility clinic for the men,

it was like eight in the morning when I went and there were like seven other dudes there. And there was a very strange air in the room of knowing that every single one of us was minutes away from jerking off. And that someone is gonna have the most. Yeah, yeah. And it's just like when they call,

it's like being summoned for the gangbang scene. Like, okay, Mr. Ellis? And you're like, yep, all right, good luck. They call it's like being summoned for the gangbang. Yeah, like okay Mr. Ellis and you're like, yep. All right. Good luck. Yeah Let the and you know, I it was just it's a very bizarre. I never go around and like, you know fist bumps Let's go boys. Yeah. Yeah, like there's definitely there's definitely a dude in there who's done that in my room We play zip zap zop. Yeah You're signing you're sizing up your competition. Yeah. You're like that little guy over there.

Well, and the nurses are too. They'll come out and they'll be like. You should walk in out and you're like to the brim. Yeah. Like that freak over there. It looks like a nitro cold brew. That guy's definitely gonna taste some of this. Looks like a frothy milk.

He's taking a sip. But otherwise, like the nurses will be like, that's it? Damn. No, no, that'd be so funny. Where'd the rest go? Did you, is there another container? Is this the runoff? This is the overflow?

There's gotta be some good joke about the challenge of like pointing your erect penis into a cup that small. Yeah. Like trying to refuel a space station or something. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're trying to catch ituel a space station or something. Oh, yeah Yeah, I mean you're trying to you're trying to catch it like a fucking Quidditch how big is the cup isn't the cup like this big? No, it's not huge. It's tiny. It's like it's the pea cup. I Would have no problem fitting my dick inside. That's not what I mean. That's not what I mean

It's different because when you have it when you have a boner when you have a boner that wants to be pointing up, pointing it down into the cup is the hard part. I see, I see. Because you're not going to like hold the cup over the end of it. Yeah. You think about this, when you jerk off, you don't usually jerk off pointing your dick towards your feet. It's a a very like it's like Indiana Jones type of act where at the last second you have to like swap the one like You like swap the fucking yeah, it's like a vet pulling the horse's penis out of the woman and putting it into the cup Yeah, that's like a very Precise act. What did he do in Indiana Jones? It's like he takes the bag What did he do in Indiana Jones? It's like he takes the bag.

Yeah. The bag and puts a goblet back down. And he sizes it up. And just from looking at it, he's like, yeah, I bet this perfect bag of sand is exactly the same weight. Sure isn't. Sure ain't. The ancient Mayan people know.

Yeah. That's why the rock starts rolling. Yeah. By the way, have you ever seen, there's like some theme park, it's, you know, maybe Universal Studios where they're reenacting that scene. Disney World. It's in Disney World. And someone's running away from the big rolling rock and it runs over the guy. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen that video, yeah. And they're all, like, immediately people start running out.

Yeah, they're like running through the water. That shouldn't have happened. They're like running through the water. That shouldn't have happened. Yeah. It kind of makes you think, though, you're like, why are they not just using like a hollow styrofoam ball? And you could just like flick away. That's a movie quality ball.

We believe in the authenticity of our show. No, that was the real ball. That was the real ball. Yeah. They swapped the real ball. We got a bald one on set. He only wants to go with the real ball. We got a bald one on set. He only wants to go with the real ball. He can't get into character.

The stuntman's like, look, I actually like the fact that it's real. It makes me run faster. Do you think you'll ever go to Disney World again? I do. Yeah. Probably. I'll be there in five years.

I'll be there. Yeah, but people always take their kids there when they're way too young. Who had a fucking hilarious bit about that? Oh, Bargottsy. Bargotts did? He was like, someone was like, yeah, you take your kid when they're too young. He was like, yeah, I'll just keep my kid in the closet until they start forming memories.

Remember yesterday? Yeah, I went when I was like really fucking young and I don't remember any of it. I remember I told the story about how we don't like rides in my family. So we just like went and saw the Tower of Terror and like heard people screaming and we were like, damn, that's scary as fuck. And then we just walked away. That's hilarious. Your whole family doesn't like rides.

I remember going at an age so young that even at that age I was surprised to think, are we poor? Right. Because. You're just eye to eye with a bunch of knee braces. Dude, the room that we had, I don't think we stayed on campus. Yeah.

I mean, it felt like we were in an Airbnb before that existed. That's kind of what it's like though. I remember my whole family, there was like one bed and then there was a Murphy bed that came out of the wall that my sister and I shared. And it was really not clean. I think it's probably just insanely expensive.

I guess so. We went there in like 1993, dude. We shot there in like 1993. Yeah, we shot there for like the Barstool Travel Show or whatever. Like, I mean, like whatever six years ago, but it was insane to go as an adult and those hotels on campus. I don't think they're that expensive, but they're fucking huge. I just remember walking down the hallway for hours. It's casino like it's very yeah. Children, children, Children's Casino. Damn, that is a whole ass children's

casino. Yeah, yeah. I went, we went again when I was older because I have younger sisters and my parents wanted to take them and I remember going and being like this is, I was, I was in, she was more interesting than anything. I was like, this isn't really like, it was kind of like weird. It is weird. It's a little weird. Well, you've always been ahead of your time. You probably felt uncomfortable at that age that you were around so many children.

Yeah. And the plus size park hoppers. I don't know. It's always been. Yeah. The plus size park hoppers. I don't know. It's always been. Yeah. The plus size park hoppers and their and their fucking Disney rashes. You ever see those videos? It's some of the best.

It's some of the best content on on the internet. They're like, they're like, they're like, okay, let's break down the Disney rash for our some of our plus size park hoppers. And it's literally just a, it's a heat rash from being 600 pounds. That's all it is. It's not gonna be Disney. Disney couldn't be less related to the problem.

But they have all the plus size tips. They're like, if you're in lot F, there's gonna be a tram that comes in on the second tram car, there's a door that's double wide. So you'll be able to, like, They're like, if you're in lot F, there's going to be a tram that comes in on the second tram car. There's a door that's double wide. So you'll be able to like, they're like, they have it down to a science. It is so specific. It's an intoxicating and what is, what is it about like 800 pound white women that love Disney worlds? What's not to like?

Dipping dots. Yeah, I guess. No weight limit on the fucking... They don't have a weight limit. They have a height limit on the rides. I think for some people where like adulthood hasn't like taken on the same magic as childhood, they revert to like some of the things that really did it for them when they were really young. Yeah. Dude, children's food is what gets you to that side. Yeah, that is true. That is true. You go to a fucking nice restaurant.

Those people are like, I'm sorry, can I have the kids menu? Yeah. Everything I want is on there. It's yeah, it's all just like chicken tenders and mac and cheese. Yeah. It is interesting.

It's fascinating. I support their right to do it and people's right to be fat as fuck. Totally. Yeah. I don't know if I would have caught, I feel like Disney should sue them for calling it the Disney rash. Yeah. I don't know if I would have caught, I feel like Disney should sue them for calling it the Disney rash. Yeah. I'd be so pissed. It's like the Wuhan flu. Yeah. If you're top, if you're up top at Disney, like you're one of the top dogs at Disney and you find out that

they're calling it the Disney rash. Bob Iger has to be pissed. You'd be like, are you out of your fucking mind? Yeah. We don't have anything to do with this. They're fat, they're fat. Yeah, we don't have anything to do with this They're getting it just cuz they're fat has anyone looked into this Why don't we call it the fucking McDonald's rash why don't we gotta call it the Disney rash Dude, I I went to do they post like not not to kill you off But they post videos and it's like their legs are like covered in hives Like all like they'll be like they do like Oh Sarah just broke out in the Disney rash and they caught to Sarah and her Legs are like this fucking big and they're like it's like the consistency of the back of a crunch bar. Oh

Yeah all over their legs What is that? Just hives. Heat? Is it from the heat? Yeah. It's hives from the rash. Humidity too. I only really get that when I drink too much red wine too quickly. You get hives.

You get a little flush. I get a little Disney rash. Do you remember the first time you got hives? I've never been a big hives guy. I haven't either, but I remember getting them a couple times and being like, I'm dying. What the fuck is going on? Yeah. Just bumps all over my face.

On your face? And like my neck. Bro, Fredigan gets, uh, what does he have? The skin condition where it's like, and it's triggered by lights or something like that? Do you watch him on the PlacBoy Max stream? I don't think so. Fucking classic. I don't think I got around to that. Psor by lights or something like that? Do you watch them on the Black Boy Max stream? I don't think so. Fucking classic.

I don't think I got around to it. Psoriasis or something? Not Pidoriasis Rosacea, that's what you had. Psoriasis is bad. Psoriasis kind of looks like it is in your ass a little bit. Boy, that's a tough word to spell. I've seen it a couple times and it's very strange. For the P, right?

I think there's a silent P up front. Yeah, I think it's P-Y-S. For no reason. Speaking of silent P's, my P's are getting louder. I am now making noise when I P. It's because your dick's farther away. I think I'm a little early to that game. I don't think so.

I also now... I can't wait until I get to that game. I don't think so. I also know. I can't wait till I get to that point. It helps me a lot to be able to post up. Yeah. It's said almost from. It helps me a lot to do that now. I got a confession.

I'm a big sit down and piss guy these days. Big. Why are you just giving yourself a chance to poop or are you just starting like taking a load off? Giving a chance to poop, kind of just taking a load off. At nighttime, like I'll sit down and piss most times. I don't like it because I never feel like I get it all out when I do that.

I can see that. You kind of, it just. I got, I got, I got, I got, I got. There's something you oughta know about now. I think if I did that and then I stood up, I could easily pee another 20%. It's usually at night, like when I already got the lights cut and I'm like, I'm not turning back on the lights

because then it's going to reset my, how tired I am. So I'm going to go and I'm going to sit on the toilet because I know I won't piss a lot in the toilet seat. I don't hate any of that logic. Yeah. I don't hate any of that. I'm glad you approve. That's why people- Because I was worried I was going to I was gonna be so people are the red light in the bathroom

Have you ever seen that a red light? Yeah, that's a little much. Yeah, it's a little dark too It makes it feel like I saw movies. Yeah in a submarine Yeah, how much I would fuck with that like no up in the middle of the night to piss and you're just in a red light Yeah, like seeing shit around the bathroom Is that a face in the mirror behind me? Dude, at night I won't open my medicine cabinet with the mirror on it because I'm certain that when I close it, there's a ghoul behind me. If I ever have to open that at night, I'm leaving it open the whole time and walking out.

I've contemplated getting blinds for my mirrors in my apartment. Drawing the blinds. Just so I don't have to look at them. Just twisting that stick of blinds. I don't know what movie it was. There was some span of blinds. I don't know what movie it was. It was, there's some, there was some span of horror movies. I think it was like the Conjuring and then like all the insidious movies

where like they really nailed down the idea that you could only see ghosts in your, in reflections. Yeah. Or like if you took a photo, the ghost would appear. Dude, one of the biggest jump scares I ever had was when they redid the movie It. Yeah. Did you see the new It?

I did see the new one now. It was good. I know, I heard. Because the original It was one of those movies in my childhood that kept me up for months. Yeah. I'm thinking about. But just stick with me here.

I know, I gotta go in 15 minutes. Okay, that's fine. But I remember that in the new one, there's that scene where it's... Sure enough, the girl, I think she's the redheaded girl, is in the bathroom and she... It's just one of those quiet moments where you think you can breathe easy. Yeah. And she opens the thing and then closes it. And I don't think he's behind her, but I think it's like the opening of it obscures

where he's gonna come. And then she closes it and there he is, and I howled in the movie theater. But that was a good movie. I thought that was a pretty darn good remake. Yeah, everyone says seemed to like it. Well, they used a lot of the cast of Stranger Things. Maybe not a lot, but at least one.

There were some pretty dark themes though. The girl's dad was like incestuous towards her. Oh really? Yeah. That's surprising. And then the bully kind of like cuts the guy, the kid to bully him. It's pretty aggressive bullying.

Carves up his belly, it's pretty bad, yeah. It's pretty aggressive bullying. Carves up his belly. It's pretty bad. Yeah. It's more just like violence. Yeah, really violent. It's not like they didn't pants him. They didn't give him a wedgie. They... Caught him? Did some straight up Guantanamo shit. Can't you guys just like haunt me from the flagpole by my underwear or some shit. You got a saw in my belly. Where'd you get that switch knife? We're 14. We live in rural America. This feels like there might be some serious consequences.

Yeah. I don't think I'm going to the principal with this one. All right, should we end it? Yeah, let's do it. All right, it's all an episode. I will be, by the way, in Baltimore tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday, and then at the port. So tickets to that are at punchup.live slash

francissellas. And then lots of other fun spots, Kansas City coming up, Dallas coming up, and Providence as well. So hope to see you guys at any of those. I'll be in Seattle on Saturday and Portland on Sunday. One of the Seattle shows is already sold out. The other one probably will be as well. And then Portland, there's still tickets too for Sunday.

Nice. And then I got a red eye home. Attaboy. Yeah, not bad either. Team player. 10.50. You're not, not bad either. It's a team player. $10.50. You're not going to mind that. That's a long flight.

You'll be able to sleep. Yeah, yeah. But it's also not that long. It's only like five hours. It's enough. It's tough though, because then you're like, so I'm capping out at five hours of sleep. Well, you won't get that much. But you have the red eye home, which I've done from Salt Lake is three and a half hours.

Three hours, yeah. I've done those. Those are tough. That's crazy. You wake up and you're like, I guess I just didn't sleep. Yeah. I guess it's just, I'm going off of no sleep today. Yeah. All right.

We'll see you guys next week. Goodbye. Bye! Still, still underground So, I looked older Till you came around I was only falling one way I was only falling one way Days were drifting Before the fall was I So, so then you listen Now I come alive

I was only falling one way I was only falling one way I was only falling one way I was only falling one way To realize No one can take me alive I was only falling one way See it just a distant light, feel it fast forever bright, call it just a memory, take my hand and you can see I'm home Oh I'm falling, I'm falling Vanished to your earth Did you realize No one could take me alive