Son of a Boy Dad - Semen Analysis | Son of a Boy Dad #184

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

Semen Analysis | Son of a Boy Dad #184 -- Rone, Lil Sas & Francis discuss meeting Jake Gyllenhaal, beefing with Castellani & a little ball -- Ad: NETFLIX | THE GENTLEMEN LIKE IT WHEN YOU WATCH. https://netflix.com/thegentlemen -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. All righty, welcome back to the Son of a Boy Dad podcast. Today it is March 20th, it is 12.17 p.m., And we are live from HQ3. And we're asking the important questions. What about loving? What about respectful?

Exactly. What about 8 inches and thick? Francis should be joining us any minute. So don't leave now. Because we got a lot to unpack today. We have a lot of shit to talk about today, including sexism and misogyny is back. Exactly. Today we are going to be highlighting some difficult topics. When will the war in the Middle East stop?

And the triumphant return of sexism and misogyny. When will misogyny come to an end once and for all? No, it's not. Misogyny is back. It's back in a strong way. Goldman Sachs refuses to hire any women now. Really? Yeah.

What's that? Goldman Sachs, I think, is a bank. A very successful bank. And all the other top banks have female CEOs and CFOs, and Goldman Sachs is like misogyny is back. Fuck yeah. Is that because of like Saks, like ball Saks? Yes.

Goldman Sachs. Oh, I see. Three masculine-ass words. Yeah. So just a bunch of Jews with big balls. The big ball Jews are back on top. Exactly. And that's why the war in the Middle East will not end.

They were never really not on top. Yeah, that's true. Except for one brief period from 1941 to 1945. Except for the war. Yeah. It's fucking tough, but someone has to be on top. Someone has to lead the case of misogyny. Of course.

You watch any good YouTube debates recently? No, been on a big movie kick. A lot of Vegas heists. You mean the Ocean's movies? The Ocean's movies and then Casino. Oh, yeah, Casino's good. Casino's amazing. Was that really a heist?

No. Yeah. It's pretty much just Goodfellas. But in Vegas. Yeah. What if Goodfellas... Pretty much the exact same movie as Goodfellas. ...wasn't in Jersey, but it was in Vegas?

And it's a combination of Goodfellas and Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah. But Wolf of Wall Street came after, so it's like Wolf of wall street was basically like what if we took the when was goodfellas 90 spot on 90 and casino was 95 was it yeah probably yes i mean they're both corsese and it's the exact same cast like the side characters are the same side characters in goodfellas the The garden variety Italians are the same Italians. I mean, it was just Goodfellas was so good.

I mean, it makes sense to do. Yeah, it's a great movie. Goodfellas was so good, they were like, let's just remake it. And you can't make Goodfellas 2. No. It's better that they made it with a different name. But it's like the exact, they're on top, they all get really into coke, and then it crumbles. It's like the exact same movie.

Right. Just white guys being white guys. I mean, it was basically what Goldman Sachs is trying to take us back to. The age of casino. Crazy girls. And then crazy girls get in the way. And that was kind of the warning that Goldman Sachs took. They're like, get these fucking crazy broads out of here.

Exactly. These paranoid ass crazy broads. They're all addicted to drugs anyway. Yeah, it disgusts me. Mm-hmm. The death and everything like that. Yeah. Fucking Joe Pesci's crazy.

Joe Pesci's nuts. Robert De Niro was great. Yeah, he's great too. He was the normal guy though. What happened to, can we not make gangster movies anymore because we don't have a good stable of Italians? The fact that Pesci, De Niro, Pacino, Liotta were all bubbling up at the same time.

That was God. Joe Pesci's like 100, Liotta's dead, and Robert De Niro's what? Robert De Niro's still not that old. I mean, he's old as shit, but he doesn't look as old. He's having a new kid. Yeah. He's still youthful. He went to traumatize that kid before he went.

Yeah. I'll just die when you're at a formative half-brain age. Don't worry about it. You're one. You'll be good. You'll have a nice trust fund. But I just don't think that they're cranking out Italian actors like that. Now it's fucking Irish actors, honestly.

Yeah. I mean, they did The Irishman. Right. But I never watched that. But that was like, they're cosplaying as Italians. I never watched it either. Because it was like four hours long.

Yeah. Nobody wanted, and all I saw was on Twitter, people like making fun of the shitty scenes. Yeah. Like them, like being 78 years old and beating the shit out of someone

yeah getting hurt themselves ray liotta was in a show called i think it was called blackbird on apple tv and he plays like this guy's like father and that show is really fucking good i've seen that you're a cinephile because you say Leotta instead of Leota. Leota? I don't know which one it is, but I know that if you love movies, you say Leota. Ray Leota? I don't know. It's probably one of... Leota just is probably a Philly accent. Ray Leota.

What's the show Blackbird about? It's about this drug dealer who's like this like hot cool jacked guy and he gets arrested for dealing drugs but he's like a super like charming guy and like can kind of like influence anybody so they're like here's here's what we're gonna do we're gonna send you to this super dangerous prison where there's this like mentally challenged serial killer who's refusing to admit what he did. And they're like, we want you to go in and become friends with him and get him to confess to you. Really?

Does it do it? Well, I'm not going to spoil the show, bro. Who cares? Dude, I think not a lot of people watch it because it's on Apple TV and not a lot of people have Apple TV. It's that good? Dude, it's fucking phenomenal. Should I add it add it to the queue yes it's only like seven episodes consider it added to the queue it's really fucking good so hour-long episodes probably like 45 minutes so it was basically just a movie that they chopped up yeah that's what i mean that's

but that's what all miniseries are yeah i would have watched the irishman if it was a series oh 100 but it's since it's fucking and they could have made it a little bit longer put a little more fluff in there yeah what a four-hour movie yeah fuck that well i mean those fucking joe pesci and robert de niro probably have to work the same hours as like when they have babies on set and it's like they get 30 minutes at a time yeah they're so goddamn old yeah yeah make the face robert de niro frown with your mouth closed de niro we need a fucking poster what they used to do was remake the same movie and just call it a different name yeah like goodfellas to casino now they just remake the same concept and make it shittier yeah i saw roadhouse last night

the remake of the movie roadhouse yeah were you at like the premiere yeah well how did that happen i don't know i literally have no idea i have a crazy celeb story from the premiere too well i mean i saw your wife was posting and she was with you guys were with like conor mcgregor i totally forgot about it. I must have been about to fall asleep when I watched that because I just remembered that. What do you mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. That we were at the premiere last night?

Yeah. Why were you there? Did you have to wear a tux? No, but you had to dress, I think, cocktail chic. So what did you wear? A cocktail dress. A cocktail dress? High heels.

Not bad. Something cute. The boys were going crazy was it bad people said that movie was going to be terrible i don't think you can say it's bad if you went to the premiere though that you can't be at the premiere being like man this movie's dog shit everybody was going everybody was loving it like the crowd was going crazy like uh i've never been in a movie theater where like somebody gets punched and everyone's like yeah yeah and they were doing that i guess how that's how it's like at like a pre like a premiere of like a marvel movie or like when people go the opening night of yeah yeah her black panther black panther and the whole crowd's like clapping

and crying and shit like that but that's what they were doing for this movie where was it the uh premiere yeah you know how to say it was at the undisclosed location yeah no it was at uh like the fucking like 60th and broadway whatever the fuck is up there radio city no it was on the west side damn i didn't know jill and hall had that in his bag so that's here's my story you met jill and hall i went to the fucking bathroom midway through the movie because they get they Damn, I didn't know Gyllenhaal had that in his bag. So here's my story. You met Gyllenhaal? I went to the fucking bathroom midway through the movie because they tell you, like, get there at, like, 530 or some shit. Like, fucking, they're like, walk to red carpet. And I was like, I got there later than that.

I'm not walking to red carpet. And Robbie Fox is doing interviews on the red carpet. He got McGregor and he got Gyllenhaal. I saw that. him get mcgregor um but he knows mcgregor yeah and mcgregor knows him yeah they're close personal yeah it's fucking sick i go to the bathroom in the middle of the movie because they tell you to get there at 5 30 and then they're like the movie will start at 7 30 promptly it'll be two hours and one minute they're so specific with the times we're sitting in the seats till like 8 15 the shit doesn't start yeah and all they have is popcorn and smart waters and i'm just pounding smart waters so like an hour 15 minutes i fucking go into the bathroom of the fucking uh of the movie theater yeah to pee and gyllenhaal's in there banging lines um all right i'm i'm at the fucking i go to the bathroom i fucking

go to i pee at the urinal i go to wash my hands yeah and i fucking i'm looking in the mirror jill and hall walks in yeah bathroom yeah goes to the fucking uh urinal yeah opens up like like a notebook like uh like a dress book type ofens up like, like a notebook, like a, like a dress book type of thing, like a calendar, like a small calendar. Dumpsack. Doesn't even line it up.

Yeah. Just, yeah. A fucking full toot. And he doesn't know I'm looking, but then he like turned around and walks and I'm like, drying my hands at the kiosk or at the at the sink or whatever. And he comes up to me or like and he he's making eye contact through the mirror with me.

And he's like, tell whoever you want. No one's going to believe you. Holy shit. That's insane. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. I couldn't fucking believe it.

Holy fuck. Dump sack. That's awesome. Dump sack. No line up. Just out of a fucking little black book type of deal. Did you get a picture with him? No, I didn't want to get a picture

because it was in the bathroom yeah yeah i felt bad that's crazy what did you say after that you just laugh yeah and then one then left uh no he left before i left he didn't wash his hands oh that's the leading story here jake gyllenhaal denies covid refuses to wash his hands for a full 90 seconds? Because I watched long just to kind of like see what he was doing. Oh, yeah, of course. Sure enough, I got a show. You're doing the ABCs.

I got a show. Singing happy birthday. A show and a movie. Who else was there? Kenan, or Kel. Kel from Kenan and Kel was there. Nice. Fibulo says hi to you guys.

Connor Wood was there. How do those people get to go to every single like famous person event keenan and fibula like i feel like all those tiktok people are just they just go to like the oscars the grammys yeah what is that i don't know i've never once gotten an invitation to anything like that you gotta start checking your inbox when i went to the snl after party they were all there like they're like their names are like permanently engraved on the list oh that makes sense what is it what's what's free social yeah oh yeah oh got it got it got it it's like paparazzi employees they're free social employees that makes sense yeah that makes sense yeah they

probably didn't want me telling that fucking that tale but who's gonna believe me yeah exactly well he probably didn't know he was talking to one of the top 100 comedy podcasters on the on the planet one of 100 killers yeah there's not that many of us there's really there's only like 40 000 yeah it's a fucking ton of us but it was a very it was a very interesting uh movie experience i had better seats at this with them the fucking premiere of the movie that i was in though yeah embodied movie yeah you looked like you were right up front you were in front of mcgregor i was yeah i literally was that's why it was mcgregor there oh he's in he's in the movie he steals the show of the movie yeah yeah he's like you see his bare ass like for maybe five full minutes of the

movie damn you see so much of his bare ass i don't know if there's a better fucking so how does that go at a premiere what do they they play the movie and then what gyllenhaal comes up and talks no gyllenhaal came up and talked beforehand oh okay and then like i thought that everybody would sit and watch all the credits and be really respectful everybody got the fuck out uh and and just bounce right away is there a party after there was a party after did you go i had like uh drink and a half drink and a half just enough to rub the hair i know when that leads to no some of us know when to quit. You know what I mean? I know when that leads to. No, some of us know when to quit.

Caterpillars with Gyllenhaal. More like anthills. Francis, welcome brother. Rome was doing lines with Gyllenhaal last night. Is that right? They weren't lines and I wasn't doing them with him. Yeah, I don't even know

if you can retell the story, but it's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Maggie or Jake? Both. How crazy is it that I just saw Maggie fucking a week and a half ago, and now I'm seeing Jake? Yeah. That's pretty good.

It was fucking incredible. I love Jake Gyllenhaal. Love. You're going to love him even more after this story. I don't need you. I'll listen to the episode. Perfect. I don't want to make you...

We can't continue the rest of the episode pretending that that didn't happen you gotta tell the story again dude it's funny as fuck cause you wanna keep going I want your reaction cause it's so funny it's a good celebrity story

good celebrity interaction you can also just tell me and we can cut it no that's fine people are gonna wanna hear it twice I get no that's no i get to the movie early people are gonna want to hear it i get to the movie early i get to the movie at 5 30 it's like and they're like uh or i didn't get there at 5 30 i probably got there at like six something and but they said movie starts promptly at 7 30 you have to be in your you have to get there by like seven or something like that or they'll release your tickets to

the public so i got there early sat in the seats thought everything would be pumped because they were so specific with the times all they had was popcorn and smart water i'm chugging the smart water so by the time this movie starts it's the premiere of roadhouse last night jill and hall's in it and uh i went to the bathroom midway through the movie i'm the only person in the bathroom i fucking pee go to wash my hands and fucking jillhaal walks into the bathroom. And I'm fucking like long washing my hands, 90 full seconds just watching him through the mirror,

like looking at him behind me. He walks to the urinal, doesn't start peeing, pulls out a small like notebook, like a personal calendar, like little black book type of thing. Dumps sack. Doesn't even line it up toots the whole thing right there and fucking turns around sees me looking at him through the mirror walks up next to me doesn't wash his hands but he goes tell whoever you want no one's gonna believe you watch out without washing his hands oh my god oh my god what a story that is incredible wow what a relief that you did tell it again.

Holy shit. Didn't offer you any? No. I was like, I didn't exist to him. I might as well have been, he might as well have been talking to a painting. He does not strike me as the type of guy who would do something that mythical. Yeah. Maybe it's because he's got all jacked for a roadhouse and he has another role coming up where he's got to be a little skinnier.

Maybe it's skinnier. I don't know. He was so lean in the movie Roadhouse that like – but I don't know if – Yeah, but he was wiry and ripped, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like lean like the most beautiful – Abs and stuff, yeah. You saw every ounce of his like his body fat i saw him

in a broadway musical a sondheim musical called sundays in the park with george of course it is tough to square that and broke back mountain with the masculine dynamic energy that you just described well he, he was also in Southpaw. I mean, in this movie, he's like... Jarhead. Jarhead. He's like this... Jarhead's so fucking good.

So good. You should have told him that. I would have. I would have said Jarhead's way better than this shit. It just shows you the range. Was Roadhouse any good? No, he said it was terrible. I'm not allowed to say that. Why? No, I said it was terrible. I'm not allowed to say that.

Why? No, I said it's just funny to be at a premiere and everyone's like, Dan, this movie fucking blows. That stinks. Wearing tuxes. I wouldn't say it was terrible. I mean, it doesn't speak highly of the movie. This is going to get back to him for sure.

I wouldn't say it was terrible. The star of the movie left in the middle of the premiere. But I think that he's... He's seen it a hundred times. Yeah, he's seen it a hundred times. There were other... I think there was one other premiere in Austin, but this was like the global premiere or something.

I thought he would be miffed that you had left in the middle of the movie. Well, it's just one guy in the bathroom. He probably did like... You could have been at any movie? Were there other movies playing? No, it's just one guy in the bathroom. You could have been at any movie? Were there other movies playing? I've never been to a premiere. No, I don't think it was like an AMC. I think they were in like a theater. It was like 60th and Broadway or some

shit like that. Oh, here in New York. It was in New York. How'd you get tickets to this? I don't know. He refuses to say. I got an email. SAG, for sure. I'm not in SAG. No, I'm in SAG and I don't get... What are you in, SAG? They just send me DVDs. What was that one? The Film Actors Guild.

The Film Actors Guild? That's not my joke. That's Rowan's joke? No, it's not. That's like a South Park joke. Oh, really? Writers Guild. But Grace said she just got an email too. Damn. I should have checked my...

It's the big hitters. It's the heavy hitters. Yes. I think that... Yeah, I don't know. It was a cool experience. But people were just whooping it up in the crowd. They were loving it.

Robbie loved it. Grace loved the movie. Oh, Robbie was there too. Robbie. So he interviewed Joan Hall on the red carpet. He was on red carpet. Wow, cool. He was dressing up yesterday.

Yes, for this. He looked great. That's cool. Yeah, for this. It was fantastic. Did you see Iron Claw? I don't think so. I saw Wreck-It Ralph.

Is Iron Claw the one with Hugh Jackman where they fight robots against each other? No, Iron Claw is the Zac Efron movie about the, what's it called? Oh, the wrestlers. Yeah. Yeah, I did see that. Oh, I heard that was good. Phenomenal. Really?

Yeah, amazing. But I was so disturbed by Efron's visage, his face in that movie, that I feel like I couldn't even get into it. Efron murdered in that movie. Did he? Yeah. He's good. Where did you see it? In theaters? Yeah. Really? Yeah, a while ago. What the fuck? It was so good. I think I said that I saw it.

We definitely talked about it. Maybe I talked about it with Brandon. Zone out whenever you're talking. Yeah. I must have talked about it with Brandon. Brandon's really been pissing me off lately. Let's hear it. Every time I text him, he takes fucking six hours to reply and then he sends me

a snarky-ass message back. Walker? Yeah. He might be snarked. Yeah. He's all fucking big head because of that mostly sports show going on.

Why are you texting him? Because he's one of my best friends. You guys are an unlikely friendship. You guys got to start going to Blackhawks games together. Yeah, we talk about it a lot. No, I texted him the other day and I said, do you think Michael Penix Jr. is better than Jaden Daniels? And then he said, yes.

And I said, we'll see. And he said, so then why did you text me? Just trying to chop it up, dude. My bad. That text has a billion other questions that had me wanting to ask. Why the fuck are you asking him that? Because he's a big college football guy. Do you want to know the answer or are you just starting a conversation?

No, I want to know the answer. Because I think Pennix is better than Jaden Daniels. What is making you think that? Well, I've been watching a lot of tape. Have you really? Yes. I mean, Pennix throws one of the best deep that? Well, I've been watching a lot of tape. Have you really? Yes. I mean, Penix throws one of the best deep balls. Oh, I mean, it's a beautiful ball.

But the problem is he doesn't have that kind of up and down mid-range. And he's a little bit older. Yeah. And he has a little bit of a leg problem. But the transfer market doesn't necessarily mean that a guy's bad, though. No. Joe Burrow transferred. Yeah, I think he's one of the top qbs in

the draft class but did he benefit from having a great wide out in roma dunze i don't know i don't know if it matters i just don't think a little ball i just get it's like when a fucking cunt at your dinner reservation starts speaking french to the waiter you're not up to date on the draft class i'm dude saturday i spend hours just watching tape of all the top grinding so much yeah all the way back i'm that cunt at that yeah that's why i want to go to france with you francis yeah just so i could hear you uh flex a little fully that cunt and by the way, we'll get back to ball. Don't worry.

Yeah. I can go back to sitting out again. I'm a little lightheaded because I just jizzed and had blood drawn. Jizzed and had blood drawn within five minutes of each other. Fuck. Yeah. I had to do, like, you do the genetic testing as well. What's genetic testing?

It's to see if you have a risk of certain things. Oh, really? I think the big one might be MS. What the fuck? What's the one that your body drowns in your own excess fluids or something like that? Pneumonia. That sounds like pneumonia. There's another one that's really bad. There's a few that are really bad. And then you if whatever any of the s's ms als sas

yeah i have no idea i don't know much but i think ms is one that you can test for damn anyway uh where were we oh yesterday i was parking my city bike at the dock right outside of our apartment building. Yes. And a woman to my right, I could hear her speaking French to her friend. And then she turned to me and she goes, excuse me, but can you help me with the bicycle? It's a good ass French accent. And I was like, yes.

And I was biding my time to whip out my french and she was like well there's what what is this phone number i i cannot take the bike because it's but i have a daily pass and uh she was reading the 1-800 number and it was was like 1-800-BIKE-HELP or something. She didn't know how to... And she was like, what is this? And I was like, oh, you don't know that once upon a time... There was letters. Numbers and letters on a phone meant something.

There was a corresponding letter to each number on a phone. Right, 877-CASH-N cash now 1-800 collect yeah cars for kids call att uh exactly she didn't know that and so i had to pull out my smartphone and then as i'm explaining it in english i just flipped to french what did she was she delighted she stayed in english and didn't comment on it and it pissed pissed me off. Because your French must have not been good enough? My French was so much better than her English. So much better. She doesn't even know fucking predictive text or any of these things, you know? I don't know how to do that.

Do you know that once upon a time... Would you know what letter a D is on the phone? What number that is? I have a whole bit about it in my act, and you've seen me do it a hundred times. I don't usually watch you. I'm usually drinking. Tune in and out kind of thing, yeah. True.

I know. I don't know how. I never had to do that. Or talking to the host and being like, I can't believe he's still doing this. No, that bit is actually really good, and it kills. Oh, it does? Yeah, it's one of my best jokes. Really?

Do it. Do it for us. No, I can't. That's usually the part of the act where I'm telling the host dude can you go back out and do like four minutes of buffer bring the temperature back up so that i'm stepping out onto a fucking glacial stage just maybe like have a people like like let's hear you on the left side let's hear you on the right side can you go hear you on the right side. Can you go back out and make sure that the people who have

flocked to the bathroom during his set can have time to come back? It's going to be a lot of that this weekend. Resume their seats. A cab Calloway. Like, hey. Bakersfield. I might have to have the host come out and do that in the middle of my set. Like, break my

set up into halves. You might need a hype man. Like fucking Flava Flav to come out and be like, let me hear you in the back. They merged my shows. That's fine. That's for the best. That's fine. There was one of the shows had one ticket sold.

They deleted a show of mine in Houston. Just deleted it. Didn't even tell me. I'd rather them delete. Yeah. I thought they were going to delete the weekend, which I was not going to lie. I was kind of pumped about.

You were? No. I'm going to Salt Lake City this weekend and not many people are coming to that one. It's because the beers there are like... They're very low alcohol percentage. They're lighter. Even the light beers are lighter.

But you're at altitude, I think. No? I thought it was the Mormonism. Maybe the Salt Lake downtown area is not at altitude, but I certainly know that the ski resorts are very high up. There's a great hike right by the downtown of Salt Lake. Is there now? It's like a bluff that basically

overlooks everything. Very nice, approachable hike where it's not too far out of the way. Oh, you're going to be able to ski the whole weekend. Yeah. Damn. Man, it's, dude, doing the road is so weird because it's just too far out of the way oh you're gonna be able to ski the whole weekend yeah damn man it's dude the doing the road is so weird because it's just like some weekends are great and then it's just this weekend is gonna be i'm gonna be by myself tough in the middle of nowhere in california at least have you ever been to bakersfield no dude i posted it it's nowhere

by the beach right no the only replies i got were, this is one of the worst cities in America. Really? People that live in Bakersfield will be like, why are you coming here? It's so bad. Why don't they just come to the show and shut the fuck up? I don't know. It's probably not safe for them to leave their houses. They're just on...

They got to go in between drone strikes. Yeah, what is it when like a military has like a city on lockdown? Martial law. Martial law. Martial law. Bakersfield's just under martial law right now. Bakersfield's been under martial law for the last decade. No one is talking about the genocide in Bakersfield, California going on. Just barbed wire fences up all over the place.

Spotlights at night. I get places like that and where Nate Diaz is from. Stockton? Stockton actually has a top 10 murder rate. Yeah. But isn't that up by Sacramento? I think it's in between the Bay and Sacramento, maybe. I'm going to Sacramento in May,

and that looks nice. That's close to Lake Tahoe. You got to go to the state capitol up there. It's beautiful. Yeah, I'm going to go fly fishing out there when I go. Nice. That's up by, that's like close to like Lake Tahoe. You got to go to the state capital up there. It's beautiful. Yeah, I'm going to go fly fishing out there when I go. Nice. Definitely going to be dry season. Happy hatch.

Happy hatches, fellas. Let's choose our own adventure right now. Probably throw some chubbies, some parachute Adams. Should we go, should we talk about Francis giving blood and sperm, or should we go back to ball? Let's choose our own adventure I think we need to finish the ball all I wanted to say about your ball about ball was that I was just I was looking into this because I was under the impression for the last couple months that

bears were going to take Caleb Williams which they are yes commanders were going to take Marvin Harrison jr they're definitely not nope and the Patriots were going to take Jaden Daniels. But now it looks like the Commanders are going to take Jaden Daniels. So now I'm trying to convince myself that Penix Jr. is our best bet. Because I don't want the Patriots to draft Drake May at all. Why? I think he's awful. Because he's...

White. Yes. It's interesting to hear you call them the Commanders. The Redskins. I have not succumbed to the woke mob. Well, I just think that Drake May is just going to be like Mac Jones or Zach Wilson. He's just a skinny white kid. He's not skinny.

He probably fucking squats like 500 pounds. He's pretty big. He's pretty huge. What do you mean, bro? Put respect on his thick dump. He's actually significantly bigger than Pennix Jr. Can you give me your... By like three inches.

Can you rank your top five quarterbacks in this year's draft? This year's draft? Yeah. Kale Williams, one. Pennix Jr., two. Jayden Daniels, three. Bo Nix, four. Drake May, five.

Where's JJ McCarthy? Not even in top 15 really yeah i think the high school quarterbacks are better than jj mccarthy what dude jj mccarthy is so bad really they just went undefeated and won a national championship they had a good team and the quarterback has nothing to do with that not not that team no well i think i think i could have played quarterback on that team and they would have won as many games the uh at this point of the year the draft minds get so hive minded and the fact that you have you kind of broke from the norms with your ranking i think will serve you well in the long run you could be wrong but at least you're thinking for yourself i don't know just dude panics jr his his his long ball. Beautiful.

Drake May, have you ever watched him throw a deep ball? It's nasty? Shaking. The whole just... What metrics do you look for when you're trying to scout a good quarterback? How comfortable they are in the pocket, long ball, shallow ball. How quick they go through progressions. Yep.

Dodging tackles. Do they have happy feet? Are they calm in the pocket? Penix Jr. looks calm in the pocket. Steady. Caleb Williams, I mean, that's a trained professional right there. Stone Cold Killer. Oh, yeah.

He stays on schedule. One of the 250 for sure. But he can improvise too. Yeah, yeah. All right, that exhausts it. Yeah, that's pretty much all I had to say. From our balls to yours, yeah. All right, that exhausts it. Yeah, that's pretty much all I had to say. From our balls to yours, Francis. We don't just have to go to me. I mean, it's fun for me to do that.

Take it away. We literally had nothing else. We literally said even all the words and terms that we knew. Yeah. I like this coat. When did you get that? Last week. Nice.

Yeah. He had to do something to show his New England fandom, but still cope with the fact that he has lost his sweet, precious Mac Jones. All righty, everybody. Let's talk about the gentleman. They say a gentleman always keeps his word, but I can't repeat any of the words that the weed-dealing, gambling, murdering aristocrats say in the gentleman. You couldn't even say aristocrats, much less any of the words that the weed dealing, gambling, murdering aristocrats say in The Gentleman. You couldn't even say aristocrats much less any of the words that he says. It's tough words over The Gentleman, but it's not a tough watch, I'll tell you that much. Easy on the eyes.

Guy Ritchie's first TV show ever only on Netflix. Look, if you know anything about me, you know I'm a very big Guy Ritchie fan. You're a Guy guy. I'm a guy's guy exactly i love guy richie i love all of his work that movie that he did with jill and hall phenomenal probably not as good as the gentleman though oh no the james puts jake jill and hall under the table it's based on his award-winning film the it's based on his award-winning film, The Gentleman series stars Theo James and a whole new cast of criminal lords and ladies slumming it in Britain's criminal underworld. Guns out and pinkies up. Watch what happens next when you try and play gangsters at their own game.

Don't miss The Gentleman, now playing only on Netflix. Everybody's talking about how bill belichick was poorly portrayed in that documentary about it was disgusting but he didn't do himself any favors he's an ornery cheating bastard he's an asshole he's an asshole and he cheats he's the greatest coach of all time and they made him out to be like like what did they they did they want to win or not dude i didn't understand him not commenting at all on why he benched malcolm butler that was the only questionable thing if malcolm butler didn't fucking bang belichick's wife right yeah and he was probably like five minutes late for a meeting or something yeah you're sitting son yeah fucking loser well yeah that part was definitely questionable but

the rest of it i mean dude they they would they would win it would be like tensions were rising between belichick and brady and then it'd be like oh but they won the super bowl again and they'd be like but brady needed to get out someone had to go and then they interview brady and they're like you went over to robert craft's house what did uh what did you guys talk about there and then brady is like i think some of these things i would i would rather keep to myself and not really talk about them their private conversations and then it cuts to robert craft and he's like tommy came over and i mean he broke down crying he said belichick is a demon and it's like dude why tom brady just said he didn't want to talk about it.

And then it was just clearly Robert Kraft paid for a documentary to be like, Robert Kraft is the greatest of all time. Belichick had nothing to do with it. I did think that the omission of the Robert Kraft rub and tug scandal. Oh, yeah. Every other piece of bad press that happened around the Patriots was covered. Did they cover Hernandez? Yes. Yeah, big time.

They covered Hernandez, Spygate to Flategate, but they didn't mention fucking Robert Kraft getting jerked off the day of the Super Bowl. Yeah. Like an hour before the Super Bowl started, Robert Kraft was at a rub and tug. The most obvious rub and tug name plays too. And they just skipped over was he a producer on it had to have been no come on i don't had to have been well but then a bunch of a bunch of the people in that are coming out being like that they took a bunch of shit like one of the i forget who it was someone came out and was like i was i was interviewed for five hours but that's

always what happens that's why you have to be very careful when you do a documentary. They're going to take the most benign and juicy thing that you say. Benign. Wow. Great word. No, but Francis and I have a quibble over the usage of benign. I'd forgotten that we had that quibble. And now you're going to be brought back into

it. I can't remember what it was that we said you found my usage uh to be a bit off but i don't mind the time what you just said i thought it worked there just now wait can we talk about your fucking let's talk about it i got my wait i wouldn't i don't wait i don't know if you want to now let's choose your own adventure francis came huh so i don't need you touching my legs after you just came within the last 30 minutes i do you want to talk about your come let's choose your own adventure you want to talk about your common blood taking or your your blog you know i don't know whenever you guys start talking about the blog, just give me like a two minute heads up so I can leave.

Because you don't read? I just don't know if I want to be in that. So let him know when it's an audio book. I don't know that we need to cover the blog. No, we can talk about it. I just thought it was such a well-written, fun to read blog. You sent me your message and I didn't know how you would feel and I care deeply about your, I trust your opinion. I thought it was so fun to read.

Rone's an evil person. Yeah, he loves that shit. He's incredibly wonderful himself, but when other people are casting shots and things, he gets giddy about it. I mean, I think to- You should have showed it to Gyllenhaal. To deny that you get giddy about that is to deny the baseness of human nature.

True. That is what our chimpanzee brain enjoys, drama and fighting and stuff like that. And to pretend that you don't is this unfair moral high ground that people climb to that's like, I'm above this. Like, I don't like arguing or like, they don't want to appeal to their like, you know,

the awkwardness, I guess, that you feel in this situation because you think that Chris Castellani is going to school shoot us all or some shit like that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I would never, never said that. Never would say that. I don't think he's going to. Sounds like you do. I mean, I never said that. Never would say that. I don't think he's going to. Sounds like you do. I mean, I took the elevator to the third floor today. I came all the way up.

I just wanted to have as little exposure to the office as possible. One show has, or one ticket has been sold in Salt Lake City. I would see. That's what Castellani should do. You should put a 50 cent on your should do don't put this evil out there Castellani should pull a 50 cent jaw rule and buy all the tickets to your Salt Lake City shows

and then just be the only person in the crowd behold this fucking guy he legitimately should do that that would be hilarious that would be funny I might do that. That would be hilarious. That would be hilarious. Yes, that would be funny. I might do that.

On his behalf? That would be so funny. Yeah, great gag. Man, Sass really got me. He bought all the tickets and sold out a show. I only got 75% of that door. Got your ass. He could have just Venmo'd me.

He could have canceled it. He could have got the whole 100%. thanks for the multiple thousands of dollars that'd be that i wasn't gonna make but for your whimsical sense of castle on he could do that and then just expense the entire thing say it was for content they yeah they would basically would be dave doing that but i just thought it was uh like it had nothing thought it was like it had nothing to do with you it had nothing to do with him you just read some like a like a bunch of jokes

in a row like that and it's just like funny and stimulating to read I had a few good ones in there it's like doing a battle rap it doesn't matter who the two people are you just want to see a bunch of good lines in a row. I liked the line I had, and this is me sucking my own dick. Of course, it's Barstool.

But I liked the line I had about he has enough skeletons in his closet to satisfy the decorative needs of every Cinco de Mayo party from here until El Fan del Mundo. Yes. Which I didn't even get that part, but I still laughed. The end of the world. Spanish for the end of the world. But Cinco de Mayo, there's like this parallel of language. It just shows how good of a writer you are.

Yeah, but you would have done something better. No, I wouldn't have. I'm not that type of writer. I was trying to think if there was something with Dia de los Muertos that would have been a good time. But the distance between Cinco de Mayo and... Is Dia de los Muertos the same thing? Isn't it like the next day or something? But when is that?

Oh, Diego knows. It is. Diego's from... Diego, aren't you from New Jersey? No, it's Nuevo Duerce. That's how they say it. It's on the southern peninsula of Guadalajara, Oaxacan. Predominantly run by the Sinaloa cartel.

What was the movie about Dia de los Muertos? See, look at your accent. It's fucking erotic. Dia de los Muertos. What was that movie where they're all, it's basically about that and they go to the fucking

the other side. It's like a Disney movie. It's like a disney movie it's like a pixar ass oh yeah is it coco no i don't think so moana no oaxaca i watched one of them well actually i didn't watch it i watch is it coco i didn't watch the movie i watched the person on a plane next to me watch that movie a little on the nose with coco no pun intended i know but seriously yeah it is always more fun to watch the person next to you. Oh, yeah. But I was trying to think of the movie title because I would have tried to play with that,

but there's nothing really to play with there. Coco. Yeah. Nothing there. Nothing. Jay Gyllenhaal. Coco. Jakey loves Coco.

It's too easy. I always find the way. Jake Gyllenhaal. way. Oh, my God. 250 of us. Yeah, Castellani wrote a blog. I don't know. I was pissed off. Why?

Because I didn't mind the shot he took at me. That didn't mean anything. He made a joke that I looked like the Duke lacrosse team. What happened with the Duke lacrosse team? They were falsely accused of rape of two black strippers in Raleigh, Durham, North Carolina. And a crusading... Good nights. in Raleigh, Durham, North Carolina,

in a crusading... Good nights. You're in your Mark Normand era right now. This word association. Can't even help himself. Yeah, keep going. The DA was in a re-election year, and he was like, I'm taking this case i'm gonna make this a national story and there was all sort of evidence apparently that would have

exonerated and ended the case but they kept running it up and everyone assumed that these boys were guilty and they were not guilty at all and they made a 30 for 30 about it oh shit and the three boys the three kids that were charged i mean they just picked them out of a lineup and like one of them wasn't even fucking there he was at like an atm across town there was like security cam footage of that but the boys wind up coming out out on top those boys turned into the notebooks but dude those kids are i would say maybe a third to a half of the public still thinks that those kids did totally the apology is never as loud as the disrespect my parents think that they did it and i remember i'm talking my mom and i was how long ago this happened this was like 2007 oh yeah 2006 it happened oh it was the biggest thing it was

the biggest sports story until sandusky damn um and they were probably like thank god those kids got raped yeah probably i wonder if they had that thought probably not that exact thought probably more like oh maybe there's another headline in the news now thank god what a fucking blessing thank you jesus my prayers have been answered um yeah i mean i actually so he duke lacrosse you cast yeah he made that joke and you know it was like it was whatever i mean who cares that you know that joke i remember when i started doing open mics in 2011 in new york i would go on and you could set your fucking clock to the fact that

the next comedian was going to come up and say, how about that Duke lacrosse player? Right. That just went. Yes. How about that guy? And it was a Duke lacrosse joke based on how I looked every time. You must look a lot like them. No, I think it's an archetype.

It's just white privilege. It's like white privilege douchebag. Yeah. I didn't say anything about playing lacrosse. I didn't say anything about it. They just say, you know, it's low-hanging fruit it's like you know and you should have adopted a black scent to dodge the duke lacrosse allegations yeah or like a southern like creole kind of twangy yeah you should have just started doing bits shitting on lacrosse

or like talk like jake owen yeah or no who's the dude the white gary owen yeah gary owen he should have just gone get full gary oh yeah y'all motherfuckers look like you play lacrosse white boys love lacrosse the fuck is a lacrosse the polo company but so what pissed you off then it was just like an old joke? No, it was that, and I'm sure I'll cover this at length throughout the week, but the dude is just like doesn't get why he's been benched. And everybody knows and he knows why, but he refuses to face that. And nobody wants to spank him. And I had spank him yeah that's i mean i think because because at some point if we are all walking on eggshells around this guy and no one wants to

do the dirty work and all you know i'm not above it yeah you're a great writer and i like how drawing in the felt of the couch like his parents are explaining to him why they're getting divorced. Yeah, and people are like, it's punching down. Okay, I mean, fine. I punch up, I punch down, I punch across. I don't fucking... I select things that I feel strongly about.

And to me, he was holding the company hostage how by implying that you know if we came at him or called him out for anything he would do something dramatic and i don't think that that's fair i don't think that that that's you know if i had known years ago that holding a proverbial gun to my head translated to job success at this company i would have walked into dave office be like just so you know this is there all the time try something dave yeah i don't take it down it's there just just know that and by the way how about a 25 percent risk yeah dead girls that her blood is on my hands my blood's about to be on your hands yeah big boy yeah exactly try something i made that point i was

like we're all fucking suicidal here you know and anyway that was a funny part of the blog too i mean look i i uh unfortunately i can't even say that I don't want anything bad to happen to Chris. Obviously. Obviously. And I reached out to him after I wrote the blog. What did you say? What did he say? I said, hey, man, I just want you to know I wrote this blog.

And I'm sure you'll see it. And feel free to, of course, come back at me. That's how it works. And no hard feelings, which is cunty of me because what I wrote, I mean, you're not going to not have hard feelings from that. But I just, I don't know. I wanted to reach out. No hard feelings from you. Like, hey, I don't feel bad about what I said.

Yeah. Or like whatever. Hey, no hard feelings, man. My feelings weren't hurt by what i said about you yeah whatever yeah you shouldn't have hard feelings yeah yeah whatever you choose to write in response i accept it is what it is i put myself i've you know but like i don't know you You light a match, you're going to get smoke. He put my name in his blog. And whatever. Again, that's not, to me, that's like a green light.

But it's not what gave me the gasoline. I mean, you made content out of this. I think that if you had said that shit to him privately, it have been way a way different story that would have been like nasty some people can't but i'm saying separate that that like i don't know chris i don't know him uh i just know i've what i've read that he's written and i've seen a lot of his sort of vibe and tone and that he would complain about not being invited to the bracket busters in spite of his consistent but excuse me i mean unwillingness to reckon with his own actions. It makes the company look bad.

There's an omission there. There's like, why aren't they? People start to think like, why aren't they treating this guy fairly? It's like, you fucking know, dude. You fucking know. And you sit on a house of cards. And why are you rocking it? Yeah, and you're pulling cards house of cards, and why are you rocking it? Yeah, and you're pulling cards.

Francis out here pulling cards. Sass, final thoughts? Oh, no, none for me. What is your issue here? No, I don't have any issues. Do you have a take? No, not at all. We don't have to talk about this.

This is Barstool stuff. That's not really what we do on this pod. No, this episode is going to be a heater. I'm not even kidding. Well, his story about Jake Gyllenhaal. No, I'm just thinking about the combination of the two. This might be our most viewed episode ever. No.

Also, the Jake Gyllenhaal stuff is fake. No. Of course. Bruh. Cut that. Of course. It's just a good story. No. Yeah, we're cutting that for sure. What? Dude, you can't cut that of course it's just a good story no yeah we're cutting that for sure what dude you can't cut that we have to that just actually ruined my day welcome welcome to a fucking libel lawsuit that's why i said it was fake

it's a joke on our joke podcast we cut that huh we cut you saying it's fake so now you're holding a gun to my head what the fuck is this it's rare to see you squirm you're squirming after that how am i squirming i'm not squirming squirmy wormy over there this is squirming that made you squirm this isn't squirming oh you got to make sacrifices even if they're legal sacrifices i'm not squirming for this i know you wouldn't have cut it if it was on Pat Bev. That's for damn sure. I would have said it was fake. Those clips would have been on ESPN. Host of the Pat Bev show with Roan does cocaine with Jake

Gyllenhaal? Outside the lines. Stephen A. Smith would have been commenting on it. It is preposterous that a man like this thinks he can undertake a nefarious deed. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why Sass is being a little pussy about this.

I don't have anything to say. I don't have anything to add. I don't really involve myself in that kind of stuff. But to Chris, i don't have any advice to give i mean well usually when i get gone at in the office i just ignore it or i don't ignore i read it multiple times read every single comment involved in it but i never reply publicly and just feel really bad about yourself internally myself and then i push it down and then deep deep the only person's ever actually came after me though though, is Dave, the boss, which has been like three times.

But I just never reply. And I always sit there and I think of replies. And then I go, no, I'm not going to do that. Barstool Tate said that he was going to write a love letter to me and you. If I hadn't, like he thought I said Barstool Tate instead of Barstool Tate. I just fumbled the words when I was saying it. But I would have been interesting to see him trying to come at you. Yeah, I don't give a shit about that at all.

You had a 15-minute phone conversation with him yesterday? This is so funny. This is so funny. Oh, he called you after? He called me, and I didn't have his number. And then I went. I thought it was Castellani calling me. Because I didn't have the number and then I went I thought it was Castellani calling me because I didn't have the number

so I went over to like Nate and that group and I said does anyone know whose number this is and they put in their phone and Nate had it and he was like it's Tate so then I called him back

and then we talked about a potential collaborative he had a blog idea you want the fuck is a collaborative blog you write a word i write a word yeah he kind of said like paragraph for paragraph swapping in tag team kind of thing and um i was like okay and then he fucking posted the screenshot of like him receiving the call from me and then tweeted it and said uh just got off of a call with francis and he had asked me if he could do that and i was like yeah sure whatever but i didn't know i didn't know he was gonna make it look like i called him and like I called him. And I only called him because he had called me.

I was calling him back. Francis can't stop calling me about this blog. I guess I'll take it. That's hilarious. And then Kelly got mad at me. She's like, why are you calling Tate? I was like, I didn't. I returned the call. That's hilarious.

That's like Larry David. Oh my God, it was so funny. That's some curb shit. Was he calling you about the blog? Yeah, about the blog idea, the collaborative blog idea. Oh. And then Castellani wrote his rebuttal,

which was, the title of which was francis is right and it was all this sort of sort of mopey self-effacing you said that you were fucking your dog until your wife got sick in the middle of which he goes look i could have taken a different route i could have said and then he was like that. He blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That he fucks his dog. And I hope his wife gets sick. With what? Like the flu? Just sick. I don't think it's a common cold.

Like stuff, you know. When you wish illness on someone's wife, I don't think it's like, I hope she gets the measles. I hope she gets nausea heartburn indigestion upset stomach and diarrhea hey fuck your wife uh yeah and i i read that and i was like oh my god you know look i'm not gonna fucking i'm not gonna throw the shots that i threw and then take issue with that but i it's me you know yeah whoa a little a little whoa but again i think it's hypocritical to pretend that there's any line i guess if right he could go at you like you know what i mean all's fair when you're in you're and that what it comes down to. You're both making content out of it. If you were going at his person,

calling his phone for 15 minutes and unloading this kind of thing, you'd be an asshole. But we're in a business where you make content out of the things like this. Yeah. There is one other piece that he did that was pretty nuts.

Say it. He included in his first draft of the blog that he knew that I had harassed Bree's social girl. Who's that? Peyton.

You harassed her? That's what he wrote. Damn. He knew that you harassed her. What the fuck? Nate read it and was like what does this mean and i was like hang on and i went and talked to peyton and i was like hey this is really uncomfortable but this is what he just said i don't know if i've ever made you feel uncomfortable on a professional you said did i harass you no No, I was very careful, you know? Because no one has ever accused me of anything like that.

I've never heard that. I've never really worried about that. Right. And she was flabbergasted. And then, like, angry that he would just make that up. And then she got another girl, Hannahannah who's like the head of their team involved and then both of them reached out to me and were like we're gonna go to war for you if this comes out that's crazy wow that's never in a million years have either of us ever said that

thought that i feel like you do tiktoks with them all the time. I love those girls. And they're funny. They're hilarious. Yes. And so then Nate pushed back on Chris a bit, and then Chris took it out. But it's like, man, you're fighting. That's fighting dirty, I think. Yeah.

Just making shit up. Yeah, that's tough. Using the word harassment. That's the dirty, I think. Yeah. Just making shit up. Yeah, that's tough. Using the word harassment. That's the H word. H is, I mean, outside of F, R. What's F? N. N.

And these are the bad letters. And H is like a tier right below that. What is F? I mean, F could be like five different things my crazy that's crazy right oh shit you you didn't have that i've never heard that is that a new one you mean like a bundle of sticks a cigarette in england You mean like a bundle of sticks?

A cigarette in England. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. I wonder why he would say that. I think his back was to the wall. I think he was cornered. Yeah. Would be my guess.

Yeah. I'm sure all of this is going to come out. I mean. Well, yeah. No, but I think. Tomorrow at 7 a.m. I think sure all of this is going to come out. I mean... Well, yeah. No, but I think... Tomorrow at 7 a.m. I think it'll be addressed. I want to address these things in front of the principals.

The Senate. Yeah. I want to talk to them. I want to talk about all of this with Dave and Whitney and Kirk. Will they have you on? I'm sure. I mean... Sublime.

I'll ask Dave at the Celtics tonight. I don't know. Are you going with him? Yeah. Me and Ron are going. Me and Sass are going. Feet on the hardwood. Best way to see the game.

Sass has got nose weeds. Cannot wait to be back on the paint. Yeah. The parquet. Are you going to Knicks or Celtics? Celtics. Are you going to Boston? I'm flying to Boston.

That's why I have to leave it. You're going with Dave Courtside to Celtics? Celtics, Bucks. That's sick. I know. It was a surprise. Celtics are set. Pep is minus 600.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Ten and a half point favorites. What? Giannis is out. Okay, fine.

Giannis is out. Fair enough. They would have been minus 300 if Giannis was in. Celtics are having a big season. Incredible, beautiful season. I'm going to make it to the Eastern Conference Finals and lose. To the... I mean, it would be great if you lost to our co-worker.

If the Celtics lost to our co-worker. Who's our co-worker? You're going to be fucking courtside. I don't get playoff tickets. Oh, really? I go one game a year usually. Did you go yet? No. So you still have yours?

I don't have it. Come tonight. I have to wait. I would go tonight. Yeah? Yeah. You like the Celtics? I'm from Maine.

Yeah, but you don't like the Patriots. I have a weird mixed fan base or fan allegiance but there are reasons for it you like the celtics not in utah that's well done it's a little killer congrats you're in the 250 welcome you get tapped on the shoulder like it's the illuminati um dude i had a fucking dream the other night that uh we were doing the nfl draft show here and i uh and john stewart was on the panel oh shit and i was interviewing john stewart and uh he like during the interview he was like being so nice to me and he was like you're, you're so good at this job. Like you're fucking crushing it.

I can see that. Like you get it at a level that these other guys don't basically. And I woke up from the dream and I felt so good that Jon Stewart had said those things about me. And then I realized it was a dream. And then I realized Jon Stewart doesn't think those things things about me that's what i think about myself that's that's my subconscious talking to me and i got so sad and so fucking down on myself i've had that i've had that exact same dream but it was me and uh glenn howard and and he was like you're so he was like i've seen all of your shit you're hilarious you gotta get you in the show yeah and then i woke up and i was pissed the most pissed i've

ever been after a dream is when i was dating sydney sweeney and i woke up and i was like you gotta be fucking shitting you put your feet down onto your sticky ass floor. I got a bed frame finally. Yeah? Yeah, I slept above the ground for the first time in a year last night. The rats must have been pissed. I know. They had to find a new home. What are we to eat?

They're just shivering. Yeah, cold. This is better. Where are we going to go? Wasn't that, it wasn't even, it was the exact same amount of comfort. Yeah. I guess it was nice to not be on the ground. Yeah, elevated living situation.

But the mattress was the same amount of comfort. It was the same mattress, right? Yeah. I thought the bed frame would support, would give a little more cushion, perhaps, rather than the floor. I don't know. I've been waking up and my shoulder hurts.

That's age, brother. I'm sleeping on my side. You're just getting older. You gotta start stretching. Nah, you're not gonna do that. But it is wild that just your dreams are your body, like, in mind affirming yourself. Yeah, what'd you take before your dream? That sounds like a drug-induced.

No, just being off the weed. No melatonin or anything? I just have been on that shit. No kushush not even a little bit god no i i drank a cbd drink not even no thc made sure that there was no thc in it no like uh three nights ago yeah and it had it had me uh it had me like feeling paranoid i thought cbd was supposed to calm you down it had me like jittery like i was like too high i know i'm gonna come back to weed and i'm gonna be a pussy i know that like i was like too high i know i'm gonna come back to weed

and i'm gonna be a pussy i know that that shit is gonna whip my ass when i'm going back i don't know at the latest uh memorial day maybe before then but memorial day how come you get to quit weed and no one cares but when i said i was quitting drinking it was like a fucking no you're not you're not allowed to because i always said i was coming back, it was like a fucking, no, you're not. You're not allowed to. Because I always said I was coming back and you were like, I'm fucking done for good. Interesting. I could come back at any time. Yeah.

What about right now? Where's the kush? I'll get some right now. I got to go take a flight actually. Yeah, exactly. Last thing I want to do is be paranoid on the way to the airport thinking I'll be late. And then as the plane takes off, palms sweaty, arms heavy, mom spaghetti. Fucking thinking the plane's going to crash. Well, that flight is 30 minutes long, so I think you'd be good.

I don't even know if it goes all the way up. Yeah. They don't depressurize the cabin. Yeah. What? Yeah, you're fine. You had to get there? No, you got to go in like five minutes or so. Yeah, I got the cabin. What? Yeah, you're fine. You got to get there? No, you got to go in like five minutes or so.

Yeah, I got the Uber. What time is your flight? This sperm blood thing? Yes, I need to hear about it. Take your time because I'm on no rush. I'll miss this flight. I don't care about the game.

There's so many things that are just like hysterical that I want to work my way through. Yeah, tell the whole thing. You go in and... Best episode of all time, maybe.

Banger. So give the people a treat. Well, they know... You know every man is in there. I think most of the men that are in there are there for the same reason. It's to have a semen analysis. And so there's like five dudes

sitting by themselves. What's their energy? It's a little bit like we're all waiting to go do something shameful. Well, that's because it is. Even though it's for medical purposes, every guy in there, you can almost see them flicking through the porn scene they want to download on their phone in their head and that's what we're all about to do we're five minutes away from jerking off and it's known there's a an air a fog of anticipatory masturbation linking us all and i thought it would be funny because they had this bench seating along the

window and guys were as spread out as possible it was as if it was like an airport urinal thing and i thought it would be funny to get really cozy with some of them be like did you you got a do you have any idea what the record is which way now fast or slow the other part of it was i had i had driven which is why it took me so fucking long to get here and because it's all the way up in the upper east side and so i parked in a parking garage and in new york city they do those half hour specials if you're in and out in half an hour it's you know 18 anything over half an hour goes all the way to 55 bucks jesus from fucking 31 minutes to 24 hours.

It's the same price. They must know they're next to the jerk-off station. Yeah. It's crazy. And so I am watching and I'm like waiting for them to call my name. And I'm like, this is going to have to be a quick one. I'm going to have to really get this, get in and out in order to pay less for parking. So I'm on the clock here.

And so they bring you into the room, and it's weird. It's weird. Are there magazines? There are DVDs. They have fucking DVDs and then headphones. And I was like, get the fuck out of here. The headphones that someone's tummy hands take off of their head headphones big over ear headphones do you take any photos no no there's

a chair there's a chair that looks like almost like a barber chair i think it reclines a little i didn't touch it and then they've put the sterilized paper on just the seat, but not the back. Oh, the back is where you really want it? And I'm like, we're going to be standing for this. Oh, my God. Yeah, we're going to. What about the guys that need to lie down? What are they to do?

It was too small to lie down. What? It was way too small of a room to lie down in. What kind of phone booth are you in? And there's a woman who's standing in the doorway giving you instructions. How hot was she? Here's your sample. Not at all.

Four. Did she stay in the doorway the whole time? I wish. She's going to hate to hear this. Yeah. Her and Gyllenhaal are going to be steaming at this episode. Yeah. So she's giving you all these instructions.

If you don't collect all of the sample and some of it goes missing, steaming at this episode yeah so they she's giving you all these instructions like you need to uh if you if you don't collect all the sample and some of it goes missing you need to mark this lock i'm like i'm not a magician one sperm wasn't labeled one one was labeled three and they couldn't find two heading for the east river like what the fuck are we talking about? And then it's like, mark your number of days of abstinence. And then all these things. And then write on the cup itself the time. You have to mark the time that you actually hit, you know,

nut to bottom of the cup. I get in there, and I'm like, I'm not doing the DVDs. Although there was a part of me that was like, Should I? This is old school. There's a culture here. But then they'll like see what the minute marker on the DVD is that you came.

Yeah. I stand in the footsteps of giants. Like I should, as many have come before me, quite literally, I should do the DVD. There's a sanctity to this. There's a i don't know a custom but then they find out that you started coming before like during the plot line of yeah yeah before anyone was even nude especially dvd porn yeah so then i just pulled up my phone plot yeah and i started thinking about like what what you know how dark are we

going with this scene and i just went to an old basic favorite oh bro you should have gone as dark as possible so you could give your best best coming i'm worried about that i'm worried about that but i i also i'm wearing boots and given the timing of the parking i didn't want to unlace my boots and then take my very stiff work like trousers off i've gotten into this workwear american workwear thing i keep buying pants that one would buy if you worked on a railroad or shingling roofs right but it takes forever to break in and i don't know why i do that but that's my look right now it's a good look i'll tell you man it is tough to jerk off in these pants.

So you just had them at your ankles like a toddler using a urinal? I had them up. All the way up? I did take my shirt off. That's crazy. That's insane. Everything is funny about this. Why would we be drooping down?

I had to get it all in the cup. Just in case the nurse came in. Yeah. Were you flexing? Were you looking in the mirror? You locked the door and then you pressed it. You were definitely just looking in the mirror the whole time. There was no mirror.

Like American Psycho? There was not a mirror. You wish. And by the way, you're thinking a little too hard about this there, Migo. Why do you keep painting your own pictures? It's just so fucking weird. I agree. It's hilarious.

Well, how do you jerk off, Sass? It is weird. This is not do you jerk off it is weird this is not how i fully clothed i jerk off pretty much with like snow pants and a jacket on you fish it out of your fly and keep the button done you just hear the rustling of the snow pants did anyone could you hear anyone like yelling fast ass doesn't want to have the minefield of razor burn that mumps and lumps that he's got yeah you got you should have you should have let out some loud ass mouse well so this was dude there were people walking by right outside the door yeah male nurses and i was like i've never doctors you mean i think it was nurses really people who

were you know coming in to just take the paperwork from me so then so then they uh you finish i was just making a joke about the viability of a male being a nurse it would just be a doctor right totally surgeon at least that you have to assume yeah yeah yeah so you put it in the cup you do it up you write your time and then she comes you ring a doorbell they come they put gloves on they take it from you and then imagine the smell of those rooms that these women are walking into like the fucking cherry blossoms are blooming i mean i left my room cleaner than it was i took the camping mindset to that right you you don't want to leave a scrap behind yeah but i mean the smell though you can't clean up the smell no but i what is

come have a quite a pungent smell i, there's trees that they call cum trees. It's like a weird thing that people talk about that I've never understood. I think 10%... It's like asparagus. Only 10% of the population can't smell the cum smell. You're probably in the 10%. I must be.

You'd be terrible at an SVU. But then I went and got... And I got blood drawn three minutes later. And the woman sets me down. What's the word for a woman who does... But then I went and got blood drawn three minutes later. And the woman sets me down. What's the word for a woman who takes blood? Vampire nurse. Anyway, she goes, which arm?

And I was like, well, I used my right. And she didn't laugh and did my left. And that was my joke that I thought really was going to land. It is funny, but she didn't like it? She didn't like it. Someone told me she'd heard it before. Yeah. She was not moved to giggles.

I mean, women like that have to just be able to, in a profession like that, in a field like that, you should be trying to alleviate any of their pressure at any time you shouldn't be making it more shameful for the boys coming out fucking freshly cummed dude bro then as she she puts the needle in i hate giving blood and or tapping blood taken and uh she's telling me about the billing process. She's like, make sure you submit your insurance card when you go back up front because the STD scan that we do, which is standard, is covered. But if you're doing genetic testing, sometimes that's out of network and that can be $ 250 and i'm not sure i'm like don't you're not helping with my anxiety of the fact that blood is coming out of my arm right now yeah that i mean hearing about billing information as you're fucking about to pass out yeah i guess i would rather that than the fucking

what the dude was saying to me oh yeah well it's not i wasn't competing with you no i'm not i didn't think you were the guy when i got my blood drawn the guy was like you're not gonna freak out are you and i was like no he's like the last person here freaked out passed out is that a freak out even i feel like that's involuntary he's like they said they weren't gonna freak out and then they freaked out and i was like yeah i don't know what you're what are you trying to make me freak out i said i wasn't gonna freak out and i said are you sure you sure about that the last person said they weren't gonna freak out and they did well then what what if you said you were gonna freak out what the fuck would they do different i don't know what the point of the question was they're

trying to freak you out yeah exactly they're trying to pass you out yeah they were trying to pass you out too francis by that billing information or maybe they They're trying to pass you out. Yeah. They're trying to pass you out too, Francis, by that billing information. Or maybe they're just trying to distract you. By the way, this is going to cost $10,000. You need to go. Yeah, you do need to go? To get my sperm checked? No, to leave.

You got to go, dude. Isn't your flight an hour and a half? It is. They had a piano in the waiting room. I thought about playing it. That would be hilarious. And singing some song about like, take it easy, boys. Don't use the DVD player.

You should have just gone up and sang Piano Man. Get a sing-along. Yeah. That's a funny scene. Man, what are you doing here? All right, I'm smashing the Uber. All right, good luck. I guess we can end the episode right

it feels like i don't know how long you guys went before i got here but it feels like we've been going for a while well done all right all right thank you guys all for listening um i'll be in salt lake this weekend tickets at francis ellis.com come to wise guys jordan landing let's have a non-alcoholic beer i will be in irvine california on thursday for one show and then two shows in bakersfield on friday and saturday goodbye oh tickets at little sasswatchwebsite.com Thank you.