Son of a Boy Dad - Son of a Boy Dad: Ep. 21 - Happiness is for Good Boys

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

-- The fellas break down Lil Sas' first stand-up show, M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable trilogy, and the true crime phenomenon, & we dip our toes in televangelism and prank phone calls -- Son of a Boy Dad LIVE shows: NYC (10/13) & Boston (11/3)You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, son of a boy dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. God, I pray that we're funny as fuck during this episode. May your swift hand give us some fucking funny ass shit to talk about. And may you bless us with an open open heart in a quick way i'm in all right ready yeah what's up everybody welcome back to son of a boy dad podcast today is september 27th what is what is up everybody welcome back to son of a boy dad podcast today is september 27th why should we give a fuck about that it's just ritual you gotta say the date

today is september 27th it is monday it's approximately 3 40 356 so p.m it's a little bit in the afternoon you know we've had a little bit to eat but uh you know we've had some some conversations today but that doesn't mean that we're not fucking ready to give a piping hot son of a boy that's gonna be a piping hot episode sit tight strap in and just get ready to laugh we have a lot of shit to talk about oh and tell them what they're gonna hear about today oh and hit them with the recap segment give us a rundown owen sass crush a stand-up set in front of a sold-out crowd okay sold-out shows missed a train home to see his mommy oh i did i forgot about that

oh fuck that was actually super frustrating but it's not it's not a fun story watched a bunch of movies in bed true i watched four movies on saturday jesus christ bro i thought that you'd be happy after doing well at i was not very it was a very fun day that's how you deal with your your joy by just staying in bed all day after i feel satisfied but the week yeah really yeah you have no wander lust bro when you're grinding all week laying in bed on a saturday it feels a lot better than you think you don't get rest days like that often unless you've been grinding no you gotta you gotta soak them up your body tells you your body grinding. No, you got to soak them up. Your body tells you.

Your body chemistry will just tell you it's time to zonk out, time to sit back on the couch, time to watch some Black Hawk Down or whatever the fuck you watched. I actually watched, you ever seen like Split? Yeah. You ever seen the whole trilogy? No, I haven't watched the entire trilogy. Unbreakable and Glass? Oh, I have watched Unbreakable. Yeah.

Unbreakable is the OG. Yeah, Unbreakable yeah unbreakable is the og yeah unbreakable so i watched philly brother takes place in philly it's true what do you know about that uh they're walking around the football field yeah so i watched them i watched unbreakable first i'd already seen split and then i watched uh glass and everyone glass gets bad ratings people don't like it i loved it what'd you like you like about it? That there was finally a guy that was weaker than you on screen? No, it was great. You related to the main character? I felt very satisfied with the ending. How does it end? I'm never going to watch it in my life.

So basically they bring in Mr. Glass the split dude the beast and they bring in the unbreakable dude holy shit and they bring them all they're all in a prison and they're like telling them that they don't actually have superpowers blah blah blah all this stuff and then it's like so basically they're trying to convince them and mr glass is like the brains of the operation and sounds like my third grade

teacher when they said i wouldn't amount to shit. I know. Which I eventually put in several rap songs. Yeah, exactly. And yeah, basically like they're in prison. They're in these like high tech cells. Like they can't get out. It has all of their like triggers in it.

So if they misbehave, they like can't get out. And like the Mr. Glass guy plans an escape and he wants to prove to everyone that they actually have superpowers just like in the comic books so they go to they're going to go to like the most public place they can find and they're going to um the standard hotel no it's like this new like this new we're gonna fuck in the windows of the standard and it's gonna it's gonna be like a showdown between the unbreakable dude and mr beast or not mr beast the beast and it's gonna be mr glass against a youtuber yeah it's pretty It's going to be like a showdown between the Unbreakable Dude and Mr. Beast. Or not Mr. Beast. The Beast.

It's going to be Mr. Glass against a YouTuber. It's pretty hard. It's not really that easy to explain, but it works out really well. Is this a Shyamalan? I don't know. Is it? I think it is a Shyamalan. I think the original one.

Didn't you say Bruce Willis' superpower was that he could bench 350? No. So, it is actually kind of weird in the first one they're like in the first one he so he gets in the current he gets in the train x the train the train derails right no one survives except for him and he was a bitch before this like he's like i can't i can barely lift the bar yeah so he and they like he's benching to like test his strength and his son is like putting the weights on. And he's like, how much was that? And he's like, oh, it was 225.

And he was like, that's too heavy. Take the weight off. And then he does like two more reps. And he's like, how much was that? And he's like, dad, I lied. I put more weight on. And they like keep going. And he hits like, and like he does like 350 eventually.

And his son's like, how much was that, dad? And he's like, much was that dad and he's like that was 350 pounds and it's like which is something people can do yeah people at my gym bench through like it's obviously an insane amount of weight but like people who are on no steroids yeah i knew a kid that was in i was in college with who benched like 315 oh my god that was 350 fucking pounds how much was that papa yeah how much weights was that yeah it's i mean it is an it is a lot of weight and especially to go from like pussy to that yeah but at the same time i mean so basically that's like what spider-man did at the end they like all die and the lady comes up to mr glass right before because he's the mastermind behind everything and she's like

you guys do have superpowers she's like we convinced you guys that you didn't because we think things have we think things are good the way they are right now we don't want more people realizing that they also have superpowers so it's like a government like a government operation yo but then what the what they don't know is that mr glass he's so smart he knew they were all gonna get caught and get killed so he had the whole thing on recording and it was being live streamed the entire time then the clips get out and everyone knows

when they're already dead it's so sick it was a great ending shut up yeah that had to be a Shyamalan it's all based on the comics so like Mr. Glass's theory is that the comics are written as like um more like fantasized versions of like reality so like everything is based on like old

history everything's based on history so like these people that have super strength they make them like into like superman and stuff and it's like they can't fly but like the original spot the original superman couldn't fly either he was just a normal dude he was strong as fuck holy fuck that fucking blows your mind no it's really good you gotta watch it it's good do you fuck with superhero movies as a rule oh yeah yeah yeah i love them why well i mean batman's like the dark knight of the dark knight of the dark knight of the dark knight of the dark knight is like two of the best movies ever but batman is a different uh like flavor of superhero he doesn't have superpowers the The Avengers are good as fuck.

You like to think that maybe you could have that someday. Of course. No, I love the Avengers movies too. That if you just put enough time in the gym sometime you might just be able to fly and become invisible. If that's all it takes to be a superhero it's pretty sweet.

That's just what NFL football is. What did you eat in bed all day were you ordering food and just uh getting just crumbing up your bed yeah i think so i got shake shack at one point gross i know it was gross nothing makes me feel more sluggish in the middle of the day than having shake shack glad for dinner so did you just fall asleep right afterwards yeah i don't mind fired up another movie. Really? Yeah. Bro, you love a flick.

What movies did I watch? That's how you fucking treat yourself, huh? I watched Unbreakable, Glass, Taken. And The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I watched Taken and I watched Flight with Denzel. Shut up. Not a great movie. Which one? Wait, he lands a plane upside down in it. Yeah. Not a great movie which one is that is that way he's he lands a plane upside

down yeah not a great movie well that's the good part what's not great about them that has the one of the most exciting sequences of any film of all time yeah i don't know it's it's a good scene but then after that it's just like he's just like a drug addict oh that makes it way more sweet um that makes it fire i actually did see something interesting yesterday i saw that united in like 2029 is coming out with this plane called like the united boom and it's going to be like a super jet that sits like 50 people and it's going to be like you're gonna be able to get from like newark to london in like three hours mad people are gonna die from that shit oh yeah and also it's i think it's i looked up

as like five thousand dollars a seat. 50 people? Yeah. Why not just make it bigger? Because it's a jet. I don't think they can go bigger. They can go faster. They have to go...

Big things can't go as fast as small things, brother. Holy shit, bro. That's that physics shit. You ever think about that? That is some fucking crazy-ass physics shit. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I think that we are seriously overdue for all transportation to be ramping up. Oh, yeah. Big time. We need shit to be going faster. We need the super, we need those super trains. Super trains we definitely need. That go from like LA to, to Boston in like an hour. That's, that's really super. Yeah. But there, there's all these like blueprints for it. But it's not L I think it's like, it's like an hour a knuckle or something like that. And it's like two knuckles to Chicago. It's like not, it's, it's like still like if you could get to Chicago from LA in like an hour,

maybe even two hours on a train, that would be awesome. And Matt, like when I was in Hawaii, they were like, we didn't, no one could even fly to Hawaii in the 1950s. Like you had to take a fucking ship to Hawaii or something like that.

The fact that those were the steps that they were making back then, and I feel like nobody's made a massive jump. We haven't really made any progress now. We need to have a fucking jump. They've got the bullet trains in Japan. Yeah, but barely. Yeah.

We need some shit. Aren't you taking a helicopter tonight? I am going to take a helicopter, but that's not... Helicopters are as fast as helicopters have been. It's not like helicopters are as fast as helicopters have been it's not like helicopters are getting faster but i mean i'm excited and i am excited i've been on a helicopter twice in my life one time over dubai it was fucking awesome absolutely beautiful god damn and then the other time uh was at a clemson game and the guy was like a retired uh like navy pilot or some shit like that and he was just dropping the helicopter

out of the sky to fuck with us there were like cameras on our faces and he would just like pull a lever and we just like fucking dropped like fucking an elevator and it was terrible i told them not to put out the footage because i was so scared yeah and you could like see it on my face how fucking terrified the footage if you tried i i mean there's someone here who filmed it and who i was just like nah we're not actually gonna put that out that would be awesome i look like as big of a pussy as i feel like i would love to see this it was fucking terrifying i mean he dropped the fucking a helicopter out of there over a lake and he was just like haha wait till you see this one boys but that's yanked it probably he probably lost his license after that no he's

like that was what he was like supposed to be doing yeah like he was supposed to be like fucking with us he was like trying to give us they asked if we wanted to jump out of the plane no i don't want to do that we saw the navy seals the former navy guys that we were going to jump with and the guy looked like the big lebowski he was in a chair like fucking sleeping i was like i'm not jumping with that guy he's 70 years old yeah but they said that he was like the most badass guy to ever jump he would like jump into like these he would land on like a five foot by five foot thing in like south america and like kill a fucking venezuelan drug lord or some shit like that they said the dudes were super badass but no not for me no jumping out of planes is not something

i would ever want to do yeah at all no what what even possesses people to be like yeah i wonder if i could fucking do that like flying is a necessity i want to get from point a to point b yeah like i'm not just trying to like scare my body into thinking that it's over just so i can fucking feel something yeah i don't i don't think i would enjoy even like the dropping part i would think i would only enjoy like at all landing i don't like roller coasters no i don't like going over a hill too fast in a car it makes my penis feel weird yeah it makes mine feel weird too i don't like uh yeah i don't like any of that it makes your penis feel weird too yeah it does dude i

remember saying that when i was like six years old like i was being driven home with like my older sister and one of my older sister's friends and like i don't even know if i realized they didn't have penises but i was like wow that that just made my penis feel over a bump and they just like looked at each other uncomfortably like what it did like before you hear about your stomach dropping your penis feels weird and i think it's your balls right i think it's happening in your balls i mean it kind of feels like you're like it feels like you have to like pee almost yeah but you don't and is it is it like a rush is it like adrenaline is it like testosterone like what is rushing through your balls that fucking makes you feel but your balls feel weird like your genital

area feels weird when you're going over a hump yeah or like even watching i was watching a video of someone throwing an airplane out their window like a paper airplane in new york and like my penis felt weird i don't get that but or like the same thing or like you you when you're watching a russian like uh teenager hang from a fucking like a real high building or like walking along scaffolding like that makes my hands my palms your palms yeah i saw that paper airplane too it was just a couple folds right yeah it was A real high building or like walking along scaffolding. That makes my hands sweat. Your palms sweat. I saw that paper airplane too. It was just a couple folds, right?

Yeah, it was barely any folds. It was just whipping around. Yeah, those videos of people like doing parkour and stuff on top of skyscrapers piss me off. Because it's like, what if they fall and then they die? And then like everyone else has to watch them fall from like a thousand feet. Well, they did. There was one on Twitter like a year or two ago. It was just a tweet from the top of like a skyscraper. But he died.

Yeah. Motherfuckers die. Chef Donnie one day. Still out there. Or how about that? That man on a wire guy. Yeah. man on a wire guy yeah the french guy who that who like tries to romanticize the fact that he's just like a public nuisance and almost gave people 9-11 before 9-11 he like he like gathered a crowd

it was like a gathering a crowd before 9-11 be like watch what i'm about to do yeah well check this out he die no he was fine there's a documentary about him right yeah i think it's called man on wire i think there's a couple documentaries it's a a very good movie, but at the same time... There's one documentary that's supposed to be one of the best documentaries ever. Yes, that's the one. Yeah. I felt so free. It was incredible.

I've never watched it. Like, bro, you're a dickhead. Doesn't his son do the same thing, too? Yeah, his son just wants to be accepted. He's fulfilling the prophecy. No, his dad's probably like, you're a pussy. Yeah. You don't fucking get that.

I was one on your fucking twin towers yeah jesus christ yeah that shit is terrifying and um i don't understand what kind of lizard brain people like that have that's like i need to feel something yeah i have no idea just try stand up for fucking i know yeah exactly that's what that's what non-funny people do you didn't have jokes. You'd be fucking dangling off of the fucking Patronus Towers. Very true. How did your stand-up go?

Oh, it was good. It looked awesome. Yeah, it was a good time. It's on the YouTube right now. People can go watch it. What played into your decision to put it out right away? Because I feel like that's a very generous thing to do for your fans. it also like if you worked on any of that material like do you plan on using any of that again or is that just all like i think i'm gonna scratch scratch it all why are you gonna

scratch it start from new because i mean i've been doing those jokes since i started so it's like yeah but that was last week i've been doing them for a few months and it's like they get boring yeah but we're pretty topical too yeah but they're not boring for fucking everybody like i'll probably keep doing them at open mics and stuff yeah but now they now everybody has seen them i don't really give a fuck yeah you just don't care people hear the jokes again oh i'm a content i'm a content guy you're a content machine all i think is views How can I get some fucking views on this shit? And it did.

He had a lot of views. Did really well. And that's why we're going to switch to talking about politics more often. Yeah, exactly. We just want to fire people up on one side or another. Yeah, yeah. Fire the women. Women are indoctrinated to fucking, to love politics.

That's fucking facts. Everybody knows that about the females. We need to start talking about true crime more to win over the women. Do women like... I was on a little true crime kick last night before bed. I had the Sunday scaries. And for whatever reason, sometimes watching videos of people confessing to murders makes me feel better about my Sunday scaries. Because you're like, I don't feel as alone anymore.

You killed someone? Celebs are just like us. Yeah. They're not that much different from you and me. Yeah, I actually watch a lot of true crime. I don't listen to any true crime podcasts, though. I want to hear it from the horse's mouth. I don't like anybody telling the story or reenacting it.

I want to hear the psychopathic grandmother talking about fucking murdering her son-in-law or some shit like that the thing that's weird to me is like at a certain point it's like we're all just like people are just exploiting these people getting like brutally murdered so it's like the gabby petito thing happened right right like the top like 10 episodes were all about gabby petito on the podcast charts because it does numbies bro yeah but like don't you feel like don't they have to feel some sort of like guilt about that i don't think so i think that's all true crime is is just sociopaths who have no fucking shred of guilt for the victims they're fucking that like imagine the true crime podcast if there was no murders like they would turn them into murderers i was looking at the podcast charts there's like the

top 10 like six of them are true crime and one of them is called my favorite murder yes they would no murders. Like, it would turn them into murderers. I was looking at the podcast charts. There's like the top ten, like six of them are true crime and one of them is called My Favorite Murder. Yes, dude, people love that shit.

No one's committed a murder recently. Like, can the murderers get the fucking work out here? We need something to talk about. It's like an easy way to make a podcast. Yeah,

I mean, murder is fascinating. Google a murderer. Do you think that you would ever be friends with a murderer? No. You draw the a murderer? No. You draw the line there? Yeah.

Get off your fucking high horse, dude. Yeah. One time, get off your high horse. I'd be a friend of a murderer, just like fucking Jesus would, bro. I'd fucking kick back with a murderer. Jesus would be a friend of a murderer. I would be friends with OJ. Is that whack?

No, I don't think so. Do you think it's whack or no? No. Do you think it's whack that I'd be friends with oj is that whack no i don't think so do you think it's whack or no no do you think it's whack that i'd be friends with oj right now if he was sitting here i would try to make him like me i mean i don't know like it's different if someone like goes to court and everything and they're proven innocent joe jay was of course gloves didn't fit we had to acquit look if the gloves don't fit consider consider me a friend. And you know OJ would do great numbies for the podcast. That's what I mean.

Yeah. We can't just have him on the talk. Yeah. Let's get Kelly. Can we get Kelly Martin here and we can ask her if we can get OJ? Yeah. Let's see if she can build a relationship with OJ Simpson or like Casey Anthony. Casey Anthony, for sure.

I would be like, I would treat her just like Casey Anthony. Casey Anthony for sure. I would be like, I would treat her just like anybody else. The crazy thing about Casey Anthony is that her daughter was killed and everyone just assumed it was her. I have empathy for her. I felt bad for her. She's going through double bad things. Do you remember when she got out of prison, there were people outside holding posters up being like,

marry me, Casey Anthony. People were proposing to her. Honestly, that shows that sexism is just about dead in Americaica because it used to be women standing fucking charles manson or whatever just going crazy about male murderers the fact that men can now go gaga over a fucking female murderer that's that's a little bit of balance true that's uh we're being we're progressing as a society finally a little bit of equality here yeah i definitely appreciate that yeah damn time it's about time we can stand a female serial killer but the problem is as a society. Finally, a little bit of equality here. I definitely appreciate that. About time. It's about time we can stand a female serial killer.

But the problem is... Well, she wasn't a serial killer. Yeah, she killed her baby while her kid was eating cereal. There was a little bit of a slip-up at home. She drowned her kid in a punch bowl of Cheerios.

We were talking the other day, would you rather be friends with a murderer or a rapist? And credit's us, we all said murderer. Yeah, we did. Definitely a murderer. I mean, a sexual crime is beyond the pale. Yeah. But a crime of the flesh. Who am I to judge?

Oh my god. the heat of passion manslaughter would be easy to be friends oh yeah if someone's just like oh i ran somebody over i'm sure manslaughter actually a lot of good friendships are formed through that support groups yeah like and everyone's like hey man it wasn't your fault yeah you know your friends you just drove drunk one night yeah don't blame yourself we've all been there man they weren't blacked out behind the wheel they were they were lower class anyway don't worry they were immigrants so it doesn't matter that you did i got to ask me the best part about drinking is driving that's between us i think there was an nfl player who uh i think dante stalworth was like driving drunk killed a dude and he got like maybe 30 days not even and it was like oh yeah like the

guy was like a migrant worker and he was crossing the street where he wasn't supposed to be crossing the street it was probably his fault it wasn't even on you don't even blame yourself brother he shouldn't have been there there was a kid from my we'll get you back out there for sunday my buddy went to don't even sit him in fantasy one of my like best friends moved to maine when we were in high school and he was friends with this kid who killed someone driving and then just like nothing happened didn't even have to like i think he went to court i he might have not even gone to court he just like drove home after he didn't get any charges or anything he fell asleep at the wheel and uh was he drunk no i mean it was the day after fourth of july though so i think he was a little bit run down yeah i guess that's i don't know i guess it's just fucking bad luck i mean he stopped and also he stopped being friends with him after that

he broke up with him i think the i I think his lack of empathy for the situation. I like to separate the artist from the art. What am I going to stop listening to R. Kelly? Yeah. What am I going to stop being friends with this buddy just because he ruined someone else's life? He needs it more than ever. True. He needs friendship now more than ever.

We do need to start befriending murderers and manslaughterers. The only people you can't befriend is rape and child porn. Those are the people who you have to cut off, unfortunately. Easily. I like picturing a group of dudes who all just slayed their adulterers.

They just talk and drink about it. What do you mean slayed their adulterers? They all walked in on their wife getting fucked. And they killed the woman? Both. Yeah. I mean, sometimes, like, crimes of passion... You ever seen Shawshank Redemption, brother?

Oh, is that what... That's what he did, right? Douche Frane? No, he didn't kill him, though. He's innocent. Well, he doesn't exist. No, he exists. He's an uh we i i briefly touched on the word numbies yeah you did so numbies is where we're copywriting it we're in a legal battle right now yeah we let's just say we're date we're taking dave portman to the fucking grave oh yeah we're gonna take him to court with his own lawyers how How's that sound? Yeah. Fucking cannibalize the entire situation because nobody...

We're currently talking to Alex Cooper, just trying to figure out what her lawyer situation was. And just... Getting the whole call of the day. ...how he can handle... Fall in. And worse comes to worse, we're just going to start selling Saturdays are for the boy dads. Saturdays are for the boy dads flags dad's flags merch all of that shit if you cause two can play that game

yeah okay yeah positive vibes only is gonna be our next fucking venture after this we're gonna figure it out let's just say the bag's coming

sooner than later no we're we're not saying numbies anymore we're just talking about I already said it once we're talking about burrs

when it gets real cold in here I have no it's getting cold in here you feel a draft we're about to do some burrs when did you come up with that with burrs yeah as soon as dave starts using numb i don't know if that's gonna catch on as well i don't know why it sounds like a horse when i do it that'll be. I think that'll catch on quick. We're selling parkas. We're selling fucking big ass white jackets, goose down, fucking Canada goose jackets for like

$800 that just say, brr. I don't know what, even if we put out, if we wanted to put out Numbies merch at this point, are we even allowed to? I'm going to talk to the boss. You know what? Why don't we have him on the podcast?

Yeah. Let's get him in here. Is he in right now? No, he's not in, but... You'll be with him soon. I'll talk to him on the helipad about it. Yeah.

Actually, I better talk to him after we take off because if it gets too contentious I might not even get... I might not be able to sit with him. Yeah. So they better lock us

into that helicopter because... That's a good way to get him to talk to him is mid-flight. Hold head over out out over the over this helicopter yeah like in scarface just dangle him out stop using numbies and you've gone on far enough yeah haven't you done enough but uh it's probably going to be a helicopter situation where we're all on like headphones i'll start talking to him and he'll just like turn my volume down i'll be screaming at him yeah he'll have no idea what the fuck i'm

saying that'll be good yeah um you should talk to him about roman roman roman swipes roman swipes don't work wait what was the original what was it what was it it's like if your cock doesn't work if you're cocked but it's not about cock working or not working it's just sometimes you need a little bit of help in your life. If you come too fast and your cock don't work, Roman swipes.

No, that wasn't it. Fuck. Was it Pompeii by Bastille? I don't remember what it was. I hear Jerusalem bells ringing. Roman swipes. Most guys have tried different ways Jerusalem Bells. Romance. Why? Most guys have tried different ways to last longer.

Listing off baseball teams and baseball players or names of baseball guys who you know. Sometimes that shit doesn't work. You doing the ad read right now, brother? I was going to say something that was inappropriate. Sometimes that shit doesn't work. You doing the ad read right now, brother? I was going to say something that was inappropriate. What I did was I put it back inside my body. All right, I'll take this one over. And save the day. The folks at Roman, an online men's health company, are changing the game with Roman swipes.

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when you choose a monthly plan. That's GetRoman.com slash son. What you're going to want to do is you get a Roman swipe and you're going to swaddle your penis like the newborn babe jesus christ at at the uh the inn where he was born and you're gonna wrap it up in a roman swipe you're gonna rub it down and suddenly you're gonna be lasting so long in bed that your significant other is gonna say ooh la la that shit feels good look look i'm gonna say you're gonna want to get a

rum and swipe and just douse your dick in it oh yeah just rub it all over your dick like you're trying to uh disinfect your arm before you take a shot of penicillin or something like that oh yeah you're gonna really want to know you're to wrap it up like a grape leaf. You want to fucking double wrap that shit. Swallow your cock with a Roman swipe and your significant other will thank you, whether you're fucking a man or a woman. Oh, yeah.

It doesn't matter because your penis is going in somewhere and you're not going to want to feel it so you can last long. Oh, yeah. And I said, what about Roman swipes? And I said,

what about Roman swipes on your day? Now that you've mastered stand-up comedy, what's your next What's next? Yeah, like what's your next passion project going to be? Painting, maybe? Rap battling, believe it or not.

Oh, no. I want to rap battle you, bro. Roan. Phone. Home. Scone. Don't break out scone on me. I take a scone, I eat a scone. I kill a Roan. No!

Don't go there. Not the fucking breakfast snacks. No! Don't go there! Not the fucking breakfast snacks! Don't rhyme me with breakfast snacks! No, I want to rap against Adrian Forrester. I want to rap against the guy from Macrodosing. That's who I really want to rap battle. But if you want to fucking...

If you want to sharpen up the sword, me and you, we could do that. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. For sure. Would love to hop in the booth with you again brother yeah man it's about fucking time we put out our track people keep on asking me when you're going to get back in the ring when you're going to get back in the ring big gruen's always trying to book me for matches i'm like gruen fucking just give me a break right now what's gruen hitting us up about yesterday he was like do you want me to introduce you to jadicus? He kept on being like, would you like to meet Lil Wayne?

I was like, what did he say, Gru? Yeah, he was like, what did he say? He was like, Sass, how would you like to meet Tim Dillon? Like, actually, this actually happened. What does he know? Yeah, he was like, what would you do if I could told you I could make a dream come true? You could meet Tim Dillon.

I know some people over at the Make-A-Wish Foundation. We can tell them you have cancer and we can slide you right in there with Tim Dillon. How does that sound? Just put on that skull cap that you had

in some of your Twitter pictures and we'll pretend that you have melanoma. We'll get you in there with Tim Dillon. What do you say, champ? Does that sound nice to you? I was like bro i was like look buddy been there done that i actually just got a dm from the stand really saying you around tonight tim dylan is hanging

what did he kill himself i don't really want to go to i don't really want to just show up at the stand to be like hey tim hey we need someone to identify his body told me you were gonna be here i'm keeping tabs i'm keeping tabs on you what did they dm you on uh twitter gotcha um what if you two met in the middle and did a roast battle who you and sass of who's each other each other that shit don't sound sweet so i'd kill him the comtown boys did that you would kill me i don't think i'd be good at writing roasts why what would you say i'd just be like stupid ass but it is it's like a comedy battle if you brought your if you brought your crowd from monday night oh i'd smoke

you that would destroy see that's the thing stupid ass that was the thing about monday night anything i said they would have laughed at except for my opening the biggest reaction of the night was when you said i'm depressed yeah people were cheering yeah let's go the three biggest reactions were one i'm depressed people fucking stood up and applauded. Two, when you said, I don't like New York, people fucking were like saluting you like you were a fucking soldier coming home. And three was when you said, fuck homeless people. People were like, yes. They love that.

Someone was like, did you hear the guy in the background going, seriously? Seriously. Did you hear that? I was sitting next to him yeah seriously i was like we should take all the homeless people and put them in prison and he's just like seriously seriously oh man yeah yeah um i don't i mean is it punching down to make fun of homeless people i don't think so it was a was a joke. I said I'm kidding directly after. Yeah. And I don't even think you should have had to say I'm kidding.

Well, of course, I knew the cancel culture was going to try and come out and get me. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, okay? I was like, Jesus, guys. What is this? This is a comedy show. That's what it is.

I can't riff? Louis C.K. used to say that after he would finish on a girl's unsuspecting feet. I'm kidding. Don't cancel this. I'm actually kidding i was like guys guys guys guys i was like this is why i hate doing comedy in new york you can't say anything anymore every single stand-up comedian comes on stage and they're like these new york crowds these new york crowds and it's like it won't even be like they said anything offensive it'll be like they just said something that wasn't funny and then they'll be like can't say anything here can you i think that the problem with uh any type of like open mic or new comic situation is

everybody thinks that they're on their journey to be the funniest person in the world i think they also think that they have because they watch like louis ck and tim dillon and bill burr and they're like i have to be as offensive as I possibly can. Yeah. But then when they say it, it's just, like, uncomfortable and not funny. Well, I think one of the best things about your stand-up from, like, an analytics perspective was, like, you had a clear perspective. It's like, I think it is a lot about having, like, a perspective and, like, I don't like New York is, like, a clear, like, direct perspective that, like, can be funny. New York is like a clear, like direct perspective that like can be funny.

Like I liked New York, but like, that's not necessarily like, that's clear perspective, but it's not like a funny perspective. And I think like maintaining the perspective, I don't know if I'm breaking it down too much, but I feel like having a strong perspective is something that like can carry you far. Yeah. The shit about, uh, only, uh, only good boys get to be happy was, uh, was really funny too. Thank you. Appreciate it. And it's also the gayest thing ever when you're like, hey, that was like a really funny joke that you said.

I always have that problem when I'm talking to comedians I know and I'm like, hey, like your set was really funny. I just feel like such a fucking idiot. Oh, I know. Of course they fucking, of course they thought it was funny. Or like, are they supposed to add a joke onto that or just like say thank you? Of course they thought it was funny or like are they supposed to add a joke onto that or just like say thank you? Giving and like receiving praise is something that I think that we're not even great at as a society. Like nobody knows how to like take a compliment. Well, yeah.

Roan doesn't like compliments. His buddies told me. What? That you're humble. Did they say that? Yeah. Fuck yes. They were talking about like when you first started rap paddling or something and they're like you won't even talk about it. It's too humble.

fuck you were talking about like when you first started rap paddling or something and they're like you won't even talk about it it's too humble i mean i think that there is uh i i just think it's like incredibly corny when people like list their uh accomplishments or like when people have like a look at me perspective and i probably need to get better at that but like when people are just like yeah i did this fucking super sick fucking thing like i just think that like uh i don't know i just think it's i think it's corny yeah i agree when people are just tooting their own horn it's just uh it's tough but then like then people can wind up taking advantage of you and saying that they created numbies if you're not always saying like yeah hey i fucking created this yo i fucking made this thing you got

to pound the table for yourself i guess sometimes yeah that's true's true. And the worst part is that Dave was like talking about his girlfriend. He's like, yeah, well she told me about it. She showed it to me. He's like, I love it. He's like, I love saying numbies. It's my new thing. Don't talk directly to her because I guess she listens. Or she doesn't. I don't know. Yeah, I mean we did

the research on the yak. Dax Shepard has said numbies before we said numbies. He did. But you also said numbies without knowing. I started saying numbies because you started saying numbies. And probably the first or second podcast in here, we're on recorded words saying numbies. Saying numbies.

And you've also typed it in 2019. That was the first person at Barstool to say it. Historically. Historically. Ever. So take that, Jenna Marbles, bitch. You're going to have to fucking live with that forever i forgot about jen i should check in with her sometime soon yeah mental health is fucking she quit youtube she's taking a mental talked about this before we did we talked about it we clipped it we did we called her harriet

tubman uh our landlord is wanted for murder well it was like a whole thing we went downstairs and there's a letter and it was like if you see management or the landlord his name uh please call the police he's wanted for sex trafficking or trafficking or human trafficking sorry it wasn't all sex related wait so he's just trafficking humans that he's like a coyote out of the apartment is he just like smuggling people out of town i tell you about when he walked into our apartment just walked in i feel like landlords love to do that shit dude he walked he like couldn't get in through the front door so he walked up and like went in through like this upstairs door that was unlocked and he was like

hello and i was like hi and he's like oh i couldn't get in because the door's locked we didn't want you in here you fucking pervert it's our apartment and i think landlords like live in like i think landlords are the biggest loophole people of all time and uh they'll love to just like i think girls probably have it way worse than dudes like a landlord will like figure out a woman's like shower schedule by looking at the water bills or some shit and like walk in exactly as they think that they're about to find a woman in a towel. Yeah. Like without fail. I mean, our landlords are perverts.

Our landlord like found it that we worked at barstool through our emails. And then like he started like our super and he was like inviting us out to dinner, like inviting us to get beers like every day. Yeah. What kind of beers? What kind of beers you boys drink? Would love to crush him. Would love to crush some beers.

He said he was friends with Alex Cooper. Shut up. Yeah. He is too. We'll have to compare notes. Yeah. Yeah. And I hit her up and I was like, you know this dude?

And she was like, don't waste your time with that freak. He was like, oh this dude and she was like don't waste your time with that freak he's like he was like oh that i was like yeah josh and she was like that's a name i haven't heard in years and then she was like she was like harry stay away from him he is dangerous stay away from him did she explain what she meant what kind of dangerous she was like she's like we have to meet up in person yeah i can't tell you over the phone it's too it's too dangerous oh is that why you guys got cocktails at lilia in brooklyn no we were actually we when i went out to la we we met up oh shit where'd you what uh or you do you not want to say it was like a whole thing like we had to like sit at opposite tables

at like a like a starbucks oh really like glasses well because she gets followed by the fucking paparazzi now. It's fucking crazy. And she was like, are you sure you don't have a tail? And I was like, what's going on? I was like,

what's so bad about Josh? And she was like, you don't even want to know. And then I, like she showed me a folder of just pictures of him and Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up.

Yeah. Josh? Yeah. Oh, no. I know. Oh, fucking no. I know. Is that why everyone's been, I've been reading in like the New York Post that like you and her got plastic surgery together or something like that? It's just a smear campaign. Right. Yeah. I mean, she did. I didn't, though. Oh, really? I was thinking about getting like a butt lift, but I was like, I'm good. I'm too young. Just get your stomach fat pushed around to your ass. Yeah. I mean,

Kanye West does it. True. He said he just doesn't have... He said he doesn't have time to work out, so he just gets liposuction, which is like... I'd imagine Kanye has a good amount of free time. He said he doesn't. He said he doesn't have time to work out. He doesn't even do interviews or anything. But that doesn't mean he has free time. He's probably just over an NPC

machine, like fucking making beats, like fucking pounding some shit out. I guess he does the Yeezy stuff. I guess he does that cute little Yeezy brand. Yeah. Good luck with that. How's that going for him? Keep trying. I'm sure he'll get somewhere with it someday. You know, I always say when my friends come to me and they're like, hey, I want to start a clothing brand. I'm like, it's

hard. Not just anybody can do it. Trust us. We've made boy dad sweatshirts that are good, that are really good. And still enough people haven't bought them. And maybe that's time you look at yourself in the mirror and say, why am I not wearing two boy dad sweatshirts? Winter's coming up. The hoodie one on the inside so you can put the hoodie over and then the crew neck one on the outside. Yeah.

When winter's coming up and you're going to want to be warm. And no one wears winter jackets these days. It all about layers oh definitely not and if you're gonna wear a winter jacket you want to have at least a hoodie and a crew neck on underneath yeah it's all layers trust us we learn from the best okay virgil abloh alex cooper and chicken fry and us the mount rushmore of being able to push merch. We fucking move units. We're like the new Supreme, except for more Supreme than that.

What actually happened with the landlord was we got a note saying that they're wanted for burglary. The note says it's on someone's door and it says if you're it's on the someone's door and it says if you see management or the landlord call the police they're wanted for burglary

some in massive letters what uh do you think they broke into someone's apartment i don't know i can't even i have no idea i'm excited i haven't seen we have to pay anymore yeah i mean if they're wanted i would say you should do a true crime about it yourselves and just kind of like take the case into your own hands. I... But like if no one got murdered, no one's going to give a fuck. I met the dude, the landlord, once. He's killed before.

And he will again. So I'm not really sure if I'm trying to cross paths. He found like a... Befriend him, bro. He found like a befriend him bro like a wet beer box on the on our roof and he came down he put a knife against my throat and he's like if i ever ever find this on the roof again on my roof and they just threw the knife behind him and it landed fucking dead in the middle of a picture on the refrigerator. Of me? Boing, oing, oing, oing, oing. Yeah.

I haven't met him. No, he is a scary dude. European guy in a suit smoking a cigarette. Does he have a nice car? Very much like that, but he's very much older. He looks like he's been in the mob. Does he drive a red convertible that is like a Mazda or something like that? I don't know what car he drives. Just one morning, I woke up to people up on our roof, and i heard screaming outside and i went and opened the door and i was like

in my underwear and he was like there's beer bottle he's like drinking on the roof and i was like what he's like you're drinking on the roof and then he told me that he's gonna call the police if we ever drink on the roof again is he trying to like get fucked up with you like right no no that was the story ago that was the super you guys were drinking on the roof without me yeah you're under arrest all the police and then i got an email from our super and he was like hey guys uh just make sure you're not like leaving empties on the roof first off they're never going to call the police because they're probably operating some fucking ponzi scheme at a loss where there's never been an inspection on the property ever or whatever like our landlord in college was like a definitely a pervert like it was like central pennsylvania which is like

ground zero for perverts in the entire united states but he was also like he never did an inspection on any of his houses like a single fire would have taken down five houses at once he's just a general scumbag type of person that would walk in on any time but on anybody at any time but also just be tweaking out on meth also the meth capital there's a pedophiles and fucking meth heads always run in the same circles there's always a big no way bro you got a lot of fucking life experiencing to do because you've never been in a circle with a pedophile and a meth head because it's so do you mean just like a traditional pedophile or like a jeffrey epstein type pedophile oh traditional because i was thinking more low level pills for that oh well those are the

fucking master those are the goats you think pedophiles just like sit around passing around a meth pipe arguing over who the GOAT was? Probably, yeah. Dude, it's like MJ versus LeBron, but it's like Michael Jackson versus Epstein. Well, it was a much more physical game. Clinton's underrated for sure. He's up there, but...

Couldn't have played in today's game. Bro, Clinton's a sneaky top three sneaky top three not today's game not the way that the authorities will chase you down dan schneider is like the great greatest college athlete of all time yeah yeah we couldn't translate to the pros though he just he was like reggie bush about to get stripped of his of his goat status we're about to lose all our sponsors talking bad about the Clintons like that. Keep the fucking Clintons names out of your mouth. Not Vincero.

If you know it's good for you. Not Vincero, that's for sure. Well, the people over at Vincero are actually great friends of ours. Great friends of the podcast. Vincero blesses... I mean, they bless me with the fucking beautiful watch. I don't know what the fuck anybody's talking about. I was out to dinner with my

dad this past weekend, and Papa. He tried to steal my, oh, you remember Papa? I remember Pops. Papa Ferone? Oh, yeah. Hey, Papa. You know, I would have been, I told you I would have been Frank Ferone IV. Oh, that's some bullshit. You would have been have been Frank Ferron IV. That was some bullshit.

You would have been what? Frank Ferron IV. Oh, fuck yeah. That would have been awesome. My dad's Frank Ferron III. Why didn't you go with Frank Ferron IV? It wasn't up to me. Bro.

Frank Ferron IV. These days you have a say. Yeah, exactly. I wanted to have a say, and I had no say in my name. And the ways you can have a say is by buying the watch that you want. Yeah, exactly. Good folks over at Vincero. That the ways you can have a say is by by by buying the watch that you want yeah good folks over at vincero that's how you can have a sarah collective is their name not formerly vincero watches they've evolved to vincero collective they have sunglasses they have bracelets and they have the watch i mean they have a ton of different things and the fun

thing about vincero is that they've actually been carbon neutral since 2019, investing in solar energy, hydropower, and forestry. The team at Fincero hooked us up with a bunch of accessories, and they are awesome. What we love most about the brand is their versatility. Bitch, no, we don't. We like their versatility. Their versatility. The word versatile is versatile because you could say it more than one way with a collection for every look and colorway for every outfit vincero makes it

easy to elevate your style at a fair price sunglasses blue light glasses sunglasses i have are the only sunglasses i've ever worn that actually make me look fly as hell yeah you do fly as fuck most other sunglasses just make people look blind but the vinceros make you actually look good the blue light glasses will help you with staring at your screen link to the hours of the night if you want to watch four hours of or four movies in a row in a day yeah these lenses are polarized the frames are handcrafted watches sexy ass wallets too watches are from japan and the leather is is the leather and marble is from italy oh i didn't realize that was an italian i didn't know that well it's not it's from italy

you just said hold your horses brother all right 15 off a plot on an entire order for sorry you hold your horses to the people up in, I apologize. 15% off applied on an entire order only for a limited time. Plus, they cover all shipping costs. Go to V-I-N-C-R-O collective. V-I-N-C-E-R-O. V-I-N-C-E-R-O collective.com slash sun. Promo code sun. Once again, that has been Fincero collective.com slash sun. We need you Once again, that is VinceroCollective.com

slash sun. We need you pussies to be hitting us up. I want to see you with a sleeve of Vincero watches. I want to see you going from your shoulder to your wrist exclusively Vincero Collective watches because they have a beautiful and deep collection of watches that I fucking

promise you. And for every 100 Vincero watches you buy, me and Rome will send you and for every 100 vincera watches you buy me and rome will send you one for free and that's our fucking promise and that's a fucking guarantee that is a promise what you buy 100 we will hand deliver you your hundred first watch that is a goddamn promise and we'll go and i never break a promise i make to myself or to to our or to our listeners listeners if you're living in madagascar or Juneau, Alaska, we'll pull up on that. I don't care if you live in goddamn Afghanistan. I'll find a way over.

And I'll get you that 101st Vincero Collective watch. We need to smuggle sass into Afghanistan. One of our most loyal buyers is out there. Just get in there, damn it! Me and Dave are going to take the helicopter, and then we're going to fight to the death out in the deserts of Afghanistan. It's just going to be over Numbies. Frankie Borelli and Spider with fucking massive guns with 50 cow guns.

Cover me! You're just fucking barrel rolling to hand deliver the vincera watch a sexy ass fucking silver watch i went with a silver number oh one's got the matte black yep thank you very much i got some giving it to me gifted our producer a vincero collective watch yeah over at chicklets they did a different brand. And you posted a vlog about it. And yeah. They did some nobody brand. Yeah. Not like Vincero.

Yeah, we did though. We actually gave him a gift. A gift that's worth receiving. Vincero. If you pull up to the club in Vincero, people are going to be turning heads. Oh, yeah. What the fuck is that? Vincero.

Well, the way the light catches it. What? The way the light catches it is just... No, I was pretending to do, like, you know, the Drake, you know, that music video. I was making sure it wasn't Italian. Yeah, I know. Drake's the fucking best. Drake's the geek.

Is that unpopular? I like how we have so much barstool here. Where do you boys work? Yeah, take that down. Seriously. Until Dave apologizes for the whole Numbies fiasco, I think that we're going to be putting up some new HBO. Exclusive.

I ordered boards three months ago. We just got to make it. I mean, the one thing I learned around here, if you want to do something, you got to do it yourself. You want to do something right, you got to do it yourself. And I think that that's time for us to go by a fucking paint by numbers class or one of those wine, you know, the classes where you like drink wine and like paint something.

Or did all those die out? Did the pandemic kill those? Yeah, those died out. What were those called? It's like a wine and they had some sweet-ass, rhyming, girly-ass name. No idea. Something that the women would love. Something the women would go crazy for.

Bro, I'm trying to get a yoga class. I'm trying to get some fucking yoga in my life. I feel like I could benefit- Yeah, I've done it once. It's hard. Paint and sip? No, no. Keep looking.

Wine and painting lounge? Paint and pour? Pino's palette? Pino's penis? Now that's funny. Now that's fucking funny. That's comedy. Add that to the fucking sketch. Were you surprised that we weren't Sip and paint? Were you surprised that we weren't offered the SNL position after

the Amazon video? Well, I think that there's something clear that's going on there and that Lorne Michaels is in Jeff Bezos' pocket. And he was like, don't listen to all your best advisors who are telling you to hire them because of that.

I was shocked when i saw those three new hires i was like where is roan and where am i we're the true edge lords we're the true edge masters we're obsessed with pushing the boundaries in comedy which i guess snl doesn't like yeah like now they're just gonna have like a gen z like musical number in every fucking skit yeah like when i think of three people who could have changed snl forever i think of me you and shane gillis and vince vince vincero from vincero watches if he was in there he would have fucking changed everything in his pinstripe fucking four-piece suit did you get that email from lauren no he hit me up but uh he called me yeah we still talk

um he's he's been dodging my calls yeah i mean that that shows more than anything that there's like a global elites type of thing going on and that you're kind of being i mean yeah well how do you think they stole the election because apparently he knows my landlord too oh really yeah maybe that's what got stolen the fucking snl gig from you i know the mail was probably i assume it was a letter in the mail and he just fucking burned it up what an absolute piece of shit man maybe we should uh enact some some civilian justice on your landlord how's that sound oh yeah maybe we should beat his ass break his fucking skull yeah we should that is a threat and that is a threat okay how's that sound

drown you in your own fucking tub we should call the super right now hey buddy uh so i'm there's some there's some rumors working their way around the complex call him i'll call him no let's have rowan call him yeah thing all right also run there's a henny and paint in brooklyn Roan call him. Yeah. All right. Also Roan, there's a Henny in paint in Brooklyn.

Henny in paint? Yeah. Shut up. You know, I mean, Ebony loves to talk about Henny. We'll shout him out. 9611 Glenwood Road.

Henny in paint. Do you think they only serve up Henny? And what kind of shit are you painting? If I'm off the Henny, I'm liable to paint some titties.

You know I'm painting titties. All right. Do you actually want to call this dude? Yeah. I'm scared. Just paint some titties. You know I'm painting titties. Do you actually want to call this dude? Yeah. I'm scared. Just tell me the script. I have to think he's not going to answer. Just tell me what the script is. Am I saying I'm you?

No. So I'm just saying that maybe we should just threaten him severely. Where is it? I just sent you his contact. Don't call yet. Don't call yet. We need to think about what we're going to say. Say I saw a sign. I just sent you his contact Don't call yet Don't call yet Okay

We need to think about What we're gonna say Say I saw a sign Hey I'm new in the apartment I live up in 3B It's not where we live Don't worry And

So that just made it way easier For other people Or just be like You're my dad Say you're my dad Yeah Would that work? Yeah Yeah Okay Say you're a son of a boy or no i'm a dad i'm a dad of a boy i'm a boy dad say fuck because i don't want it to come back to us well it will it will my son lives in the apartment

building sorry i've heard some rumors about somebody stealing something. Say there was a sign saying that to call the police if we see you because there's a burglary. Yeah. I'll send you a picture of the sign if you want to look at it quick before the call. I'll just call him. No, no, no. Don't say anything about me. Say you're Dukes's. Say you're Evan's dad.

No, say Dukes's dad, not Evan. What's Dukes is... Say you're Evan. Say you're Evan's dad. No, say Dukes' dad, not Evan. What's Dukes' first name? Kevin. Kevin. This pussy better not answer. Leave a message? Yeah. All right, you've reached the voice number.

Nope. All right, we'll bleep it out. We'll bleep it out. It's fine. I'll return your call as soon as possible. Thanks. At the tone, please record your message. When you have

finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options. Hey, Josh. You don't know me, but I'm Kevin's dad. Kevin is a tenant of yours, and I received some troubling news from him the other day. It said that there was basically what was tantamount to an Old West wanted poster.

And all that was short of it was about $10,000 in prizes for finding you. And I wanted to know, are you putting my children in a dangerous situation or maybe I just want to know what's going on and why someone would accuse you of stealing anything, so I'm sure it's just all a big misunderstanding, but why don't you give me a call back

you know the number okay, I did it cat's out of the bag um you guys are fucked they're probably playing that's their lawyer right now yeah you guys are fucked you guys are big time fucked because that wasn't even a good prank call that was just like a fact finding i mean in the best case scenario he calls and he tells us what's going on i'd love to know yeah honestly like we're doing nothing wrong here between me you and kevin i killed a guy a couple actually i'd love to get the rent down from like 84 to 64 maybe

84 what is 84 how much you guys pay you pay jesus christ your apartment's a shithole you're paying fucking 8400 a month ow Owen handles all my finances. I didn't even know we were paying that much. That's how much you guys are fucking paying? You didn't even know we were paying? No. I thought it was free. I thought Barstool put us in that apartment.

Like it's like a European basketball club where they just put you up to fucking live there once you get there. Is he calling back? Yeah, this is him right now. Yo, big man. No, it's not him. Oh, fuck you.

You had a look of terror on there. Oh, you motherfucker. Yeah. Oh, you sick mofo. I'm back in the prank game. All right, so did this just become a prank podcast? Yes, it did. Florentine, get the fuck in here.

We be pranking. Yes, bro. Let's get to pranking. Who else should we call ruthless blake griffin hey blake it's harry you suck we tried to i had uh my friends always we like it's our favorite activity to do is prank call people we just would do it for like way too deep into our lives and like oh that doesn't surprise me at all you guys probably still do that yeah yeah yeah yeah and we have people that we've been prank calling for like 15 years when we were at penn state we were like going to a walmart that night

and ron and his friends are running around like it was like stuff i used to do with my friends we did like kicked out of target when we were in like sixth grade except ron and his buddies are all fully grown adults and they're riding the bikes around walmart and kicking balls into the ceiling you were you were participating loosely i was lifting weights mainly yeah you were having a fucking and you were getting like the guns off the wall and like fucking pretending to shoot people and shit like there was a bow and arrow there's a lot of happiness and youthfulness at a walmart just in general yeah very that's a very good thing that's a very good thought owen there is happiness and youthfulness just in general there just is you just gotta go find it true i didn't think about that you just

gotta go seek it out and find it yeah dude we fucking we we try to get rowdy we we just like to have a fun ass time yeah when me and Roan and his buddies were in Penn State, we all agreed. We were like, dude, we're never growing up. I want to be young forever. Look at this. Look around. That was right before we graduated.

And we haven't seen each other since. Right before we got our diplomas. This isn't it for us, boys. Wait, there's a story about Ben Simmonsmons doing that there's like i don't even know if that's a real meme but like uh they said when ben simmons was graduating high school he like gathered up all his friends and said that like like we're gonna be close for like the rest of our lives and it's a fucking promise like we're gonna make a pact to ourselves it's a guarantee and then the next day after he graduated he unfollowed them

the media that sounds like one of those billionaire posts. Yeah. Those billionaire Instagram posts. When it's like, I just want to get rich enough to cut off everybody. Yeah. If your inner circle isn't talking about entrepreneurship. Yeah. The best one was, I retweeted this one the other day. It was

of Jennifer Aniston, and it was just so clearly something that Jennifer Aniston never said. Salute to the goat, Jennifer Aniston, and it was just so clearly something that Jennifer Aniston never said. Salute to the goat, Jennifer Aniston. Oh, yeah, she's so goated. She has, like, transitioned over several. I mean, you didn't see Kudrow or fucking Courtney Cox goading like that. You didn't see anyone else from Friends goading like the way she goats.

Oh, no, she went girl boss mode. So there's this picture of Jennifer Anifer aniston and then i'll read it before sex you help each other to get naked and then after sex you only dress yourself more it's supposed to say moral of the story i'm assuming but it says mortal of the story mortal of the story in life no one helps you when you're fucked and then it's like so jennifer aniston said that i wonder when she said that one yeah when she was talking to tucker max jennifer what are you thinking about the reunion of friends look before sex you help each other to get naked and then after sex you only it's like the grammar and this is so bad too it just doesn't make any

fucking sense before sex you help each other to get naked and after sex you only it's like the grammar and this is so bad too it just doesn't make any fucking sense before sex you help each other to get naked and after sex you only dress yourself they're also like talking about something that happens like in a pretty specific scenario as if it happens to everybody yeah it's not like every time someone has sex they fucking are undressing the other person i fucking who whip off the drawers like uh i don't understand like jim carrey i don't understand what this means at all once you're you're on your own once you get fucked what is like what is the the whole thing could have just been in life no one helps you when you're fucked the whole sex thing before makes no sense doesn't even relate at all yeah

it's a premise when When you're alone, you're cleaning up your own jizz. But when you jizz on somebody, they have to clean it up for you. Yeah. Premise is, nobody helps you when you're fucked. Nobody will squeeze the jizz off you once you're fucked.

When you go to the store and you forget to tip the bartender, well, the bartender might not be happy about that. Moral of the story is that only you can get yourself dressed after sex yeah it doesn't make any sense that would be like if someone posted that exactly with like jeff bezos behind it he would get like a million likes on on instagram and then all the replies

would just be like the fire emoji and the hands praying emoji or gary v i mean what what like there are there's also like the implicit suggestion there that like people should be helping you get dressed which is what i don't why no one should be helping you get dressed anyway you need help getting dressed it doesn't make zipping up your fly for you or like it'd be the like helpful thing to do like it's not helpful for someone to help you get dressed like unless you're a fucking child it'd be much more of a pain in the ass yeah epstein was probably helping his fucking members probably tie that tie that all together yeah callback yeah a little bit of a callback joke that was good callback i noticed you didn't

use any callbacks while you were doing your stand-up set yeah i mean i got a lot of recommendations but like the recommendations i read through the comments some of them weren't bad but some of them were the most obnoxious thing ever like hey i used to be an open mic or before life caught up to me maybe cut down on the pacing it's just because you're nervous yeah dude suck a dick dude like nobody wants to hear your fucking your input on like what you should be doing better yeah i mean most people were like you had steak twitter on your fucking comedy thing so it looks pretty good just let it sit for a couple more minutes and then it'll be fine i think it's just because comedy stand-up comedy is such like a

popular thing that people like watching and they love to like critique it because they've seen a lot of stand-up comedy but it's just like uh with anything people critique things just having no idea what goes into it or just like they want to feel like the expert of the scenario. So they're like, you know what would actually help is if you hold the mic a little bit farther and like you don't touch the wall. When you're leaning on the mic stand, that's actually

projecting insecurity. Yeah, there was a lot of feedback. A ton. Oh, yeah. I saw the one guy said that he was surprised that he didn't fall through the floor. You were pacing back and forth so hard. I didn't see that one. I just made it up.

Glad I got it now, though. No, yeah, I was pacing very hard. Oh, yeah. And I didn't notice until after. Yeah. It's tough to look back on your shit. It's tough to watch your stuff with a critical eye yeah there's like a handful of battle raps i did that like i've never never watched in my life

just because i don't want to look at it and just be like should have done that differently yeah i just want the praise well that's why you got the throne i just edit out the negative comments just have somebody sift through all of them. It made me get the itch a little bit. I had Owen up until like 4 a.m. last night just deleting all the mean comments for me. I bought him a large coffee from Dunks. From Dunkeys. Dunkeys.

I bought him a large coffee from Dunks. There's a new coffee place in New York that you have to try. You know what place looks like it sucks dick? Is that, like, what is it? Like Jeffrey's or some shit like that? Yeah. Gregory's. Yes, Gregory's.

It's pretty good. Is it? Yeah. Nah, Variety's the only place I go to in New York. Shout out, Variety. Yes, sir. Shout out, Variety. Can you do more VIP list?

What? That was the impression you were just doing i thought oh yeah yeah yeah wait that bitch on the tiktok you guys have to go to mcdonald's they have this new meal called a happy meal and it's for kids but only if you're a kid on the inside she's the fucking oh is that that girl Didn't we see her in public? Yeah. Yeah. The way that she was like, people were making fun of her online. She's like, well, my account's actually a parody, so you can't make fun of it. It's like, bitch, no, it's not a parody.

You can't just say shit's a parody once you start getting made fun of for being called grating. That's kind of sad because like doing something for so long and like you build a following and people start making fun of it. You're like, well, actually and people start making fun of it. You're like, well, actually, I was joking this entire time. No, you weren't. Yeah, you weren't joking at all.

She's just people enjoy her videos. She just lean into them even more. And I think she started to. She started doing like the impression of herself as the video. Yeah. But at the same time, though, like I would fall into the class of I hate New York if I was in those circles or like that was the stuff that was coming on to my algorithm like if i was getting fed that shit all the time that's like you gotta try carbone like if you don't have like a fucking burrata it's like i don't give a fuck yeah there was one i don't give a fuck making fun of her that called uh crispy artichoke a Sicily's Take on a Bloomin' Onion.

Pretty fucking funny. That truly is the geek. And yeah, it's just a tough position to be in. But come Sunday, my entire TikTok gets flooded with either people making fun of shit like that or just being like the dude from New Zealand who's like, here are the parties that I'm going to this weekend.

Nobody asked, but here's the parties that I'm going to this weekend. Nobody asked, but here's the parties that I'm going to this weekend. I like you. Yeah. Yeah, I shouldn't. I'm out of the loop, bro. I'm out of the loop. You're not on NYC Talk. Yeah, you're not.

I'm not on TikTok, period. Really? I haven't been on. I got suspended. Gone. Really? We're suspended from like every platform. Where do you platform? They're trying to every platform. We're de-platformed.

They're trying to silence us. They can't take edginess. Well, it's okay. The liberal media. I clicked on the notifications and I hadn't even seen this in a while. I hadn't seen older videos of mine that they've de-platformed, but there's been

a half dozen battle rap videos that are taken down for bullying so weird it's like dude they're trying to make it an app where we agreed that we could bully each other we both signed the contract we're gonna get paid to bully each other yeah i think it's just like they're trying to make it like a perfect like only hot dancers are on the app that's their goal for tiktok it's only 16 year old dancers so like the fucking uh the demelios or whatever chinese pedophiles are fucking uh running it yeah or did it get no no i think china still owns it okay or a chinese company obviously not china but probably

china but if realistically speaking china we're to call a spade a spade. Probably China, which is just a shell corporation for North Korea. We all know that, though. So what are you going to Philly for? There's a VIP gambling type of situation. What kind of have to schmooze the VIPs, wine and dine them? Do you want to hear a little inside info? The Penn guys said Roan's the best schmoozer at the company.

I know, I heard. Is that true? They love you over at Penn. I am the best schmoozer at the company. We went and had dinner with Westy, and he was like, Roan is just the best. He's like, God, I fucking love Roan. I believe it. He said it was a master class at Vesper.

I mean, Vesper, I put on a master class, and then at the upfronts up front i was talking to a dude he didn't even know what barstool was he was like the guy said and i quote your aura is incredible and i had to back it off i was like dude i'm being way too charming if some fucking he was a bitcoin guy and he's just like your aura is fucking incredible i was like this guy's gonna this guy's gonna me off. And that was the last thing I wanted. Your aura is mesmerizing. It's just the uncomfortable thing to say to somebody. Yeah, it is very weird. That they have an aura. You should have been like, yo, check yourself, bro.

I'm not like that. Roan. Yeah, you should have started rap battling him right there. I should have busted out your scone bar. Yeah. Aura. Flora. Pora. Aurora. Yeah. Aura. Flora. Pora. Aurora. Scora.

Aurora. Dora. The Explorer. Dora. The Explorer. They don't know. I just ended it there. He would have been like, your aura repulses me. No, I would have gone fucking nuts for it. He's like, I love Deion Sanders. So first I liked your aura and now I hate it. Now it sucks.

Great way to ruin an aura in 10 seconds. That sucks, but when things suck, check out BetterHelp, maybe. Oh, bro. I fuck with BetterHelp. You're really just hammering these on us, huh? I got it. Running out of time. I got in BetterHelp.

Luckily, BetterHelp is one that I love, and they're friends of the podcast. I got in BetterHelp, and they're very helpful. My dad uses BetterHelp is one that I love, and they're friends of the podcast. I got in BetterHelp, and they're very helpful. My dad uses BetterHelp. Actually, I just got a 5 o'clock tomorrow. The best way to think about therapy is through a bunch of analogies. Are we supposed to read that? Doesn't seem like something we were supposed to read. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers you video phone and even live

chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera eat if you don't want to you should just have said what the analogies were bro it's called i'm doing it's called i'm doing a shtick you get your car tuned up so you don't have bigger issues down the road you get annual checkups at the doctor to make sure you're... Oh, we're going back to the analogies now. Well, you just said analogies, and people don't even know what the fuck analogies you're talking about. You're confusing our fucking fragile listeners right now.

They are fragile. Well, that's... I mean, there's no shame in asking for a little bit of help. There's lots of things that, whether you're feeling overwhelmed at work, whether it's relationship stuff, this is me going off the script, whether it's stuff that you have going in from your life, unprocessed psychological damage that's been inflicted on you that you feel like maybe it's time to stop inflicting on everybody else in your life.

And you can kind of just process yourself so you don't repeat the problems of your ancestors. Shit like that. That's what BetterHelp is going to help you out with. That's facts. That's facts. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can start communicating with a therapist in under 48 hours. Why invest in everything else and not your mind?

That's a fact. I leave you with that question today, Roan. Why invest in everything else and not your mind? Bro, you should fucking teach a college course, bro. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Son of a Boy Dad listeners. Get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash son. That is B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash son. Son, go help yourself.

Go help yourself. Why not help yourself? Why invest in everything else? As you listen to this podcast, I want you to pause it. No, don't pause it, actually. Follow along. This is guided meditation. Pause everything else except for the podcast. Pause your day. Pause your day.

Sit down. Take a moment for yourself and ask yourself, why everything else? Why? But not your mind. Why not take care of the most valuable resource that you have in this world? You only get one mind. You get two biceps. You do.

You get two triceps. Two traps. Two pecs. Two feet. Two hands. Two eyes. Two abs. Two nostrils. But one mind. Only one mind. So I ask you again. Why? Ron, finish me off. Forget what it is mind your mind's not like your gallbladder

it's not like your spleen it's not like your appendix you can't fucking remove it and just keep on moving now you got to take care of it nurture your mind take care of your mind you want your mind to blossom into something bigger fire your syn synapses. Jog your mind. Clean out the cobwebs. Take care of yourself. BetterHelp. They've got the BetterHelp. BetterHelp.com slash son. Over at BetterHelp. We're also going to Nashville. Nashville.

Really? We got to start taking Owen on the trips. The boys are going to Nashville and it's going to get rowdy. Yeah, we're going to go. Are you going for the full weekend? I'm going to going to go. Are you going for the full weekend? I'm going to go try and get some shit done for the full weekend. Are you going to Chicago afterwards? I might, yeah.

What do you have planned for the weekend? A little content while I'm down there. We're going to go on bussing with the boys. Shout out to Will Komp. Shout out Willie C. I already went on the podcast on on my own and i guess that wasn't enough so now we have to go back with sass there well because roan's my legal chaperone and they they can't they can't have me down there alone so we should have a ghost of christmas

past episode uh where it's like you go on like a trip and like get to see your life if you hadn't got to go on all these road trips and we're just like standing outside of your apartment window and you're just like uh lying in a pool of your own cum on your crusted up sheets and you haven't left for my better help appointment is in 10 minutes but you keep on skipping your better help appointments because you haven't you haven't taken care of yourself at all because i haven't gotten out of new york make an ad for better help ghost of christmas past if they never signed up for better help that's fire it'd be pretty quick of course because quick quick ads quick ads perform better do uh you two have a few sketches in the works we got some sketch

com yeah i don't know when we're gonna film those though but we wrote some shit down how would you say writing went how would you say that little writing session we did went that was good yeah yeah i thought it was fruitful it was fun better than your one with tim dillon wouldn't say better so worse well it was more successful yeah it was successful but also me and realm work very well together i think i think me and my boy timmy do too i think you guys just need to work on uh getting more reps in in the gym yeah also i have uh whenever i come to writing something i want to probably shouldn't sit like this i mean i'm blocked out of it it looks dope the field of view it was comfortable for a second but continue i like to bring five ideas whenever i go and

writing something yeah even if they're shitty ass ideas. That's smart. That's smart. I just like to get the ball rolling. I think a lot of our listeners could benefit from that. Not just in comedy, but in life. Just bringing five ideas and coming to them without judgment. Bring five ideas into everything that you do in your daily life. Yeah.

Dinner time? Five ideas for discussion. I've heard of people that do that. like plan out what they're gonna say at a dinner party shit they're gonna talk about this is becoming a very motivational podcast i hope so i fucking hope we could whip somebody into shape and i and i asked you this question i leave you with this why not you thank you that it. A short ass TED talk. Yeah. You should be like a Jimmy V day. Like this podcast, you should laugh,

cry, and whatever the third is. Exactly. We want to work through all of our emotions. You should be moved to orgasm. Oh, yes. One time a day. At least once. I pray to be moved to orgasm. Without and not a sexual orgasm either. Exactly. I ask you this. And now I ask you this.

Why does an orgasm strictly have to be sexual? Why must we come with lust attached to it? An evil emotion attached to something so pure is coming. Why can't we leave lust aside? Why can't an orgasm be finishing your chores for the day? Opening the door for someone. Helping a stranger. Helping a stranger. Helping a stranger.

Orgasm. I ask you this. I ask you this. Helping an old lady across the street. Why can't that be our orgasm for the day? Why must an orgasm be so sexual? Vigilante justice. Catching our landlord who's been thieving.

Why can't that be the thing that makes us cum at the end of the day? The Bible states, thou shall not steal from thy neighbor. You went from TED Talk to homily. But my landlord steals from me. Explain this. I asked my landlord why. Why me? Bro, I went to the movie about Tammy Faye Baker.

Do you know who Tammy Faye Baker is? No. She was an evangelist. She was like a televangelist who made a fucking nut in the 90s. She made a fucking ton of money. And there was just a bunch of televangelists. She was one of the first people. And she had 20 million listeners

a day. And they would have full broadcasts of fucking 20 million people that they would just be talking to on their network about God. And they were just selling God and just being like, and i need you to double your uh double your pledge this month and just spend twice as much that happens at just normal church it's crazy yeah they're like those it'll be like a 15 minute advertising session

i would i could be friends with a murderer before i could be friends with like a priest who was asking it for people to do that kind of shit. Right now I'm watching this show called Midnight Mass. You ever seen like a haunting of Hill House or like a I think it's like a haunting of Bly Manor or something like that. There's two by the same people. It's a good show. It's really good. I'm like halfway through it. Dope.

And what is it about mass? It's about like a priest. And are they just asking for cash the entire time? No, it's like a horror type thing. So he's just like a priest. And are they just asking for cash the entire time? No, it's like a horror type thing. So he's just like a pedophile? Not quite. But I'm not saying he isn't. Yeah, you don't even have to make priests scary because like they're inherently fucking terrifying.

That is facts. I see no cap there. But part of me sometimes wishes that I had that part of my brain turned off where I could just be like, yeah, I'm going to pretend to be super into God so I can ask people for money. Because they'll be easily tricked by thinking that they're going to go to heaven eventually if they just give me enough cash. I wish that I could just fucking, but I'm just too good of a fucking God. Yeah, you are. I'm just way too decent of a human being. It's hard working with someone that's so good. And humble.

That's so talented. And humble. And just a genuinely good person. And also humble. May we all be as humble as me someday. It makes me question why. Why me? Why does Roan choose to sit in the chair next to me what have i done to deserve this

i'm filmed with overwhelming gratitude but at the same time fear that it'll all end one day rapidly well let me teach you something fear is a more a more potent experience than love and uh it could all end today damn you're spitting bro if that bird if that bird goes down if i hop on that helicopter with uh the boss man and the other boss man better not bro you're gonna get off a ari shafir tweet if it does oh yeah i'd be like, Rome was kind of a piece of shit. I've been saying that. Roe and Dave and Big Cat, not good guys. So I'm not too upset that this happened.

Will I be going to the club tonight? Yeah. Yeah, I probably will. Dibs on his desk. Dibs on Dave's office. Yeah, I wonder if Dave has any kind of will that you could like slide into. I'll try and have him like probably what age you have to be when you start writing a will. What time do you have to be

there, by the way? Six. I got to be at the helipad at six. Okay, so you're good. Well, helipad's not in the building brother. We'll get it here. That's what I was like. Do I am I going to leave from a fucking roof? I feel like that'll be the scariest part going up to a roof and then just like taking off i'd rather take off from ground

level i don't want to take off from a roof it's gonna be funny because doesn't dave ride helicopters like all the time maybe he's gonna be shitting on you let me know if he says anything about me by the way uh we're definitely gonna talk about i'm gonna bring up numbies when i get there yeah i'd love to know facetime FaceTime me if you have to. Think we're going to get fucking reception from inside the bird? Dude, birds have the best reception. The chopper? Up in the clouds.

Yeah, I'll let you know. How far in are we? Hour 21. Oh, let's get the fuck out of here. I thought we were at like 50 minutes. Let's get the fuck out of here i thought we were at like 50 minutes let's get the fuck out of here all right thank you for listening and before i leave i ask you this why do you choose to listen but not subscribe thank you be kind to yourself and be kind to yourself and each other and each other