Son of a Boy Dad - The Boys Are Back In Town | Son of a Boy Dad #162

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

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Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Alrighty, welcome back to the Son of a Boy Dad podcast. Today it is January 3rd, it is 1.37 37 p.m and we are here at hq4 no right sound effect that's the wrong sound perfect right sound effect no dude that should be a more triumphant it should be kind of more like here we go that's a good one too that's kind of more the vibe i didn't even get to update it because I just got a new laptop. As you can see, $5.95.

This is Barstool's property. Is that upside down for them? Oh, yeah, it is. I once had to give one of these back. I'm going to have to give this one back. They're going to give me a new one, though. Yeah, but I had it taken from me. Oh, yeah, because of the ignominious end to an illustrious career.

I came in on a Monday, the Monday of 4th of July week, and I was fired, and I was just collecting some of my things, and I opened up my laptop for one final, just browse, log out, and as I was on it, clicking around, all biz Pete came over and closed it and took it. That's crazy.

He's probably been waiting to do that his entire life, though, just to anybody, not you specifically. But maybe you specifically, though. It was so demeaning. To go over. I mean, that's got to be good. That's like the peak of his job. That is the coolest thing he could possibly ever do

is go over and slowly shut someone's laptop and then just take it. He took it from me. Like, you're done. Yeah, the silver lining was it was Bagel Monday, and they hadn't canceled all the bagels. Yeah. And so I got to eat like four or five bagels. That's nice.

Bagels and sandwiches. Yeah, you take your laptop's worth back in bagels. I sure did. I sure did. Well, good to see you boys again. Yeah, I'm happy to be here. Happy to be back guys today is probably our official celebratory honorary episode of uh january 6th that is true i didn't even think about that unless we go live on january 6th from the capital brother i'm totally fine with putting

in the work on a saturday january 6th you know a lot of people forget it was the first time little sasquatch was funny bro not even close at barstool i was funny dozens of times before then no at barstool that was the first time when uh you were actually funny are you doing anything to celebrate no nothing i go fishing yeah big into fishing right now what a surprise i know well you got to find something to do when you're still you're fucking what am i 41 days sober now you really got to find to find ways to pass the time i'm in the middle of dry january i started that nice that's cute i don't think it's the middle yeah three days in i am on day three you know you're struggling when you're calling dry you're saying it's the middle of dry january and you're three days in what has it been a couple weeks now

yeah but i didn't need to replace drinking with a fucking hobby bro you're three days in. What has it been? A couple weeks now? Yeah, but I didn't need to replace drinking with a fucking hobby. Bro, you're three days in. You should not have even drank the last three days. Or at least the last two. You said you needed to pick up fishing in order to not drink. Because I'm 40 days in. Things start to slow down around day 15. You want to find some new hobbies.

Replace that. Gambling was the initial idea. And that has cost me a fortune. And football is unfortunately canceled anyway i have not won a single bet since i quit drinking i think that was like the key i think i wake up hungover and scared and i'll place the safest bets and win and now i'm waking up just confident as ever have you been a kid i'm sure i'm sure tyreek hill will score six touchdowns tonight we We put $100 on that. You have no anxiety.

You need anxiety to kind of counterbalance all the unintentional chutzpah that you have in your life. People just have balls for no reason. Yeah. They shouldn't. No, I still have anxiety. I will say the no drinking thing hasn't really changed my life that much at all, except I've lost a good amount of weight. I've lost 10 pounds in the last month. Really?

Yeah. All from your tummy? i don't know i think my titties are no longer sagging really yeah so that's good they're perky they're very perky right now yeah they're more uh they flat they're back where they're supposed to be yeah they're flat they're in the right so they're not fully flat i won't i won't say that but they're flatter before there was like a full-on hang oh they were hanging there was a full sack's like you watered them. But they're flatter. Before, there was like a full-on hang. Oh, they were hanging? There was a full sack. A good hang?

Yeah, like you could put like a fucking pencil in between my chest and my titties, and it would stay still. I could titty fuck you. Yeah, pretty easily. But now I... With your pencil dick. Would you create a roof with your hand? No.

Would you jam them together? I would jam them. What, do they stay in place? Are they fake? Dude, I have jam them. What, do they stay in place? Are they fake? Dude, I have man breasts. They're fucking stiff. There's a big difference between a man tit and a woman tit. My tits aren't fucking like swinging in the wind.

Sweet chariots. You're thinking of a grandma's tits. Tiff tits. Yeah. You're thinking of a grandma's sweet chariots. I am? Yeah. You sounded like Francis was. No, but you're thinking of tits swinging in the wind like that i think that there's like an in-between between uh a regular sitting breast two fucking rock hard pointy dicks that you don't even need to fucking

hold a pencil down to titty fuck and two grandma tits that are like a grandfather clock that are just swinging back and forth in front of you yeah it sounds like you haven't seen enough boobs that could be it that might be it you want me to show you some boobs dude i'll google right now it's the last thing i need right now distraction yeah that'll kill your testosterone output fuck me up seeing a single pair of breasts will single-handedly torpedo your testosterone. Also, I fully lied. I have not lost 10 pounds in the last month. Yeah, there's no way. There is absolutely no way.

I've probably lost 5 pounds. Why would you say that? I've lost 10 pounds since the last time I weighed myself, which was before Skankfest. So, it was actually in Vegas at the gym at Skankfest. But I think I probably gained around 15 pounds that weekend and the weekends following. So, I think i probably lost like 20 pounds since gang fest there was a documentary i watched recently called blue zones yeah have you seen it no it's about the areas in the world with the highest density of

people who live to 100 and i only watched the first episode which was about okinawa okay um which heard yeah yeah and a big thing that they do before they start their meals is they say this japanese saying it sounds something like hochi ba or ho sun ta okay i don't know but it means eight out of ten which translates to we're gonna eat until we're 80 percent full that's smart and it's stuck with me and I've been eating until I'm only 80% full. Well, that's how you're kind of supposed to do it, right? I think that's like the problem with, isn't that what they say about Americans?

Because we eat until you can't even fucking move your body. The French have a fundamentally different way of thinking about it. Je n'ai pas faim. Ah, I no longer have hunger. As opposed to I'm full. So you eat until you don't have hunger in you as opposed to when you feel the bursting at the seams. Kind of similar to not being 10 out of 10.

You're 8 out of 10. Yeah. Well, if we were going off that scale, I don't really remember the last time I was hungry. No. You just eat when you feel... I eat when I'm told it's time. Yeah.

Are you a breakfast boy? Mm-hmm. Every day? Oh, yeah. Really? I'm trying to get back on a normal eating routine because yesterday like so yes like i told you guys i'm happy to be doing this because i haven't really been a bit it's been things have been slow and uh and we were on break and uh yesterday i i was sitting there i had like a just salad wrap for lunch but then it was like 10 p.m and i was like, that's the only thing I've eaten today aside for probably 1,000 calories of snacks.

So now I'm trying to get back more into meals rather than. Yeah, that kind of a diet is going to get those titties nice and fuckable. That's the problem is that I've now my mindset constantly is just, well, at least I didn't drink 2,000 calories of Bud Light last night. So let me order 3,000 calories of McDonald's. Yeah. Sober. Your own replacement, everything. Anything you do, you're like, oh, I'm just going to replace the calories with this.

Exactly. I'm going to replace the hobby of drinking with this hobby. You're just trying to replace, which isn't beating addiction. No, it is. It's just replacing it with something else. It's definitely going to a better addiction, though. Yeah, it's going to a better one, but it's not beating addiction. I'm more unhealthy than I've ever been in my entire life.

I'm fully stationary. I like it. When I went to the office today, that was the first time I've left this block in the last month. You walked in and there were people there who didn't know who you were. Yeah, they were like, is he new? Who's that skinny guy?

Who's that fucking guy he definitely doesn't have tits i'll tell you that i was just thinking about a version of our own hansel and gretel yeah you know how they fed the the evil woman in the woods fed them to fatten them up so she could eat them yeah yes well i want to feed you to fatten you up so i can titty fuck you yeah it's not a bad idea you're i mean dude it's pretty easy hairball you just send food to my house and it wouldn't even i wouldn't even know if it's for me and i would eat it i'm gonna send you some food you could send me treats at any hour of the night send them like loaves of stroman like wonder bread or some shit like just some kind of pretty much what i've been eating on crustables five times a week how many months would i have to

feed you for before you let me ejaculate on your adam's apple dude uh like for now there's no amount of time oh you had an answer though no i didn't have one no i was gonna say a month at first and then i was like that doesn't i was like no take back i was like that doesn't sound right at all. But you have to create the roof. Otherwise, I won't feel it enough. Ew, dude. That's so gross.

You know, we'll compromise. I'll come in with a third hand and I'll create the roof. Oh, that's fun. So it's not really a gay act between two guys. But it's more the three of us being gay. Bruh. Bruh. I didn't know you're such a homophobe, bro.

I am. Super. That's also something that I've noticed since being sober. When you're sober, you really start to find your true self, and I am extremely homophobic. I thought drunk thoughts were the true thoughts. Oh, man. This is good.

This is good shit right now. Cooking with gas. What are the big updates? Oh, the big updates are that Claudia Gay, Harvard president, stepped down. She did. President Gay. President Gay, speaking of homophobes. Yeah.

And now the borders of Barstool Sports are back open to let in the refugees of Harvard. That's exactly right. I'm finally... They're taking down the wall. I'm getting tons of backdated emails being like, hey, man, heard it's finally available again. It's like in Bruce Almighty when like all the prayers are coming in. It's just like this flood of emails of just people dying to get back in.

It's going to change everything. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. What was the reaction like in the Ellis household? Was it like a triumphant? I don't really talk to my family about that stuff. Well, you had to have been like thinking, talking to your wife, being like this is for our kids. kids no my wife doesn't care at all the legacy can be our kids won't go to harvard correct because you haven't been donating i don't

donate but what if they're just fucking geniuses stanford though they're too white what if you're would you be pissed if your kids went to like or MIT? Are you out of your fucking mind? Of course. I'd be thrilled. I was hoping you would say yes. I'd be so thrilled. That's better. Than having?

I would think that any kids that go to Stanford and MIT are probably making more money five years out of college, ten years out of college than Harvard kids. But you truly don't know in, say, 18 or 19 years what the oppressed class will be. It could be whites. It could be white males. It could be the fair-skinned ginger of us. And it could be, I mean, who knows how gay your kids could wind up being. Yeah, what's left? What's left?

What have we not gotten to that, if we actually are honest about it is a group of people that aren't doing so hot but we haven't learned to feel bad i'll tell you who's not doing so hot or at least they they think they are but they're not promise you they're not is uh the white teens what do you mean i was just at the deli and oh my god are those the worst people on the planet cutting the line cutting me and my fucking my fellow hard-working american are you talking about skateboarders no i'm talking about like young kids teens disrespectful teens are a bad lot of disrespect in raised deli today and so if so do you think that they have to be like oppressed enough teens have to be oppressed for like the next you know 15 years where it'll come back around and they'll be the ones getting

into harvard because i feel like teens have always been the ones getting into Harvard. I don't know. I honestly just wanted to just talk about the raised deli thing because that really grounded my gears. Get it off your double D chest. Get it off your buxom fucking delightful chest.

I thought it would work better than it did. No, I think that I'm truly trying to think of an answer to francis's question who has been maybe it's the unloved no what asians have had a moment this year or like last last year covet gave him a good moment oh of being oppressed yeah yeah and then we all kind of stop asian hate that was a trending thing but was that ever really trending yeah man that was the thing because there were all kinds of acts of violence crimes and things like that because of uh covid how it started in a in a lab in china yeah it's crazy how uh just everybody's sitting no one gave a fuck about any of that when everyone was just walking around living their life but the

fact that everybody was forced to be in front of their computer and on their phone all day every day they're like i need something to care about yeah i don't think that that shit will bubble back up in any way because people just can live their life and care about the fucking problems that they have instead of everybody else's problems um quick question roan i see that you're wearing a couple of bracelets oh yes so that's cool and i wanted to know for ron yeah how do you would not be able to pull that off well i'm a watch guy how do you get into bracelets and and what what's the starting point significance how do you choose one how do you know if you're someone who can wear a bracelet so about um it was probably like four or five years ago i had a summer where i went to like five different countries went to turks and caicos cuba um ethiopia um

italy and uh uh dubai what country is dubai in united arab emirates uae and so i went to those five and i got a bracelet from every one of those uh countries i got a bracelet from every country it's actually a diverse group of countries that i went to that is and one of them lasted longer than all the other ones dubai ethiopia italy cuba cuba really cuba lasted the longest and i bought them all at like the airport for like it wasn't like nice bracelets relatively cheap cuba just lasted cuba and ethiopia lasted the longest ethiopia i could see third world countries and they wound up making the most trustworthy things so wait so this is from this this one's from cuba says cuba on it and then this one is a picture of my...

It has like, if you look closely into this part, it has a picture of my late dog. Oh, shit. That's nice. Laugh it up, bro. What was I laughing at? Oh, you're real fucking funny, dude. That was cool, man.

That's crazy. You have a sick mind. Taking glee in the mouth. I was not laughing that's nice oh you got some set of balls you're trying to make some kind of joke about dogs being not on time with your sarcastic fucking oh my boot dude that's crazy i was being supportive yeah right dude you don't have a supportive bone in your body. I'm the most supportive person I know. You need a bra for how unsupportive you are, bro. You're sagging tits.

It's crazy. No, but I had another one, and then I tried to go meet a new dog, and it ripped the fucking, and the other one was expensive, and the dog just ripped it to fucking shreds. That's crazy. You think it knew? No, it wasn't a dog bracelet. That would be crazy if it was like, fuck that dog. Fuck your dead dog.

I'm the new bitch in town. But, uh, why? Are you thinking about getting the bracelet game? Well, I've always wondered if I could pull it off. You can't. I'm telling you right now. You can't. You don't know anything. You're a watchman. You don't go outside. I go stand at the window. You don't go outside. I stand at the window and i stand at the window and look out that's pretty

much the same thing as going outside with your hands no you're not you're a recluse you're a recluse you have a big window and you shy away from it like a vampire somebody yelled my name i walked out of my window right before you guys got here pile of bottles as though you wanted to alert yourself in case an intruder came in no No, dude. I told you. Those are from when I was sick. Dude, I just never moved them because they're not really in my way. I only really move shit if it's in the way. You said you cleaned

before we got here, which is the funniest thing I've ever heard because it's dirtier than I've ever seen it. I was at the office like an hour ago and Francis, I was like, alright Francis, I'm going back to my apartment. Let me know. I was like, you good for one? He was like, why don't I just come with you?, I was like, all right, Francis, I'm going back to my apartment. Let me know. I was like, you good for one?

And he was like, why don't I just come with you? And I was like, absolutely not. I had to do a lot of damage control. You said you vacuumed before we got here. I threw out like two full trash cans of, two full bags of trash before you guys got here. You said you vacuumed before we got here. And this is just like the, at my feet. Yeah, so that actually, I knew that was going to happen. It was because it was on this and I swept it off

onto the floor. Could I pay for a cleaning lady to come? No, I'm going to handle this stuff this week. But listen, there are things that they would do

that you wouldn't do. No, I'm going to handle it. Ron, you don't have to be picking up all of the stuff on the floor. I moved it onto the floor for a reason. What reason?

So that it wasn't on this and it wasn't all over the laptop what is that shit it's just part of a fishing rod because i broke my fishing rod it's like a piece i'm just debunking that you vacuumed i promise you i vacuumed the vacuum right there then why is i look at francis's feet there's stuff all by because that shit that you can't pick up dude paper clip doesn't go in the back everyone knows that sponge of dirt that's why you keep your shoes on it's like a real bed yeah i was trying to take my shoes off out of respect to not track dirty new york in here but really my shoes would act like a fucking gauze pad that were like a sticky fucking mousetrap that would just pick up all the shit off your floor

and it would clean it might the dirty new york streets would make your floors cleaner i don't know what you guys want from me i will say i after today, I have an easy rest of the week. So I'm getting a rug. I'm going to get a rug and I'm going to get a lamp. Try and make this place a little more homey. And how about some wall shit? Less asylum-y. What about a little wall shit?

Yeah, I got to get some wall stuff. But all I've got is Bob Dylan and Gabe Davis. Okay, that's fine. I feel like hanging those up up those are very small photos like that would make it look even scarier so why don't you just get one big fucking picture why don't you just get one big one big one yeah a map that's so easy cool map is so lame fly fishing picture i tried they're expensive dude everything fly fishing is expensive Just all the fly fiction I don't want to get some like dog shit Like fucking Amazon poster

You know what I mean I want to get something good We could find one for you Yeah that's what I was looking at The good fly fishing one I found was like They were like a thousand dollars How much would I spend on a fly fishing picture for you In order to come on your clavicle? Dude, zero.

Oh, so for free. No. You're not coming on me. You're just willing? You're not coming on me. Let him come on you, dude. You're being gay. Bruh.

You're being extremely gay. I'll change the subject. Here's a question that I have for you guys. All right? Speaking of traveling, I have to plan a fucking trip for us to go to so i we have to speaking of traveling i have to plan a fucking trip for us to go to italy because we have to go to a wedding in august destination obviously were you asking i wasn't asking i was whether you were saying what's the destination my fucking ass

were you saying what's the destination were you saying what's the destination or are you saying is that a destination you said it the way you always talk where you end it up which means it's a question this is crazy have you guys just been like planning this out for the last we haven't seen each other in a month and you guys come in just fucking swinging at me this is nuts

been looking forward to this can't say dick without getting fucking chewed out. First you tell me I can't come on you next to you. Francis is trying to fucking rape me and Roan's talking about how I need to wear a bra. It's not rape. It's an agreement. I said how much would it take and you get to answer.

Okay, it's not a destination wedding. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's not a destination wedding. No, it is a destination wedding. I am the one that stated that. I'm sorry. It's not a destination wedding. No, it is a destination wedding. Okay. I am the one that stated that. All right. Destination. Puglia. What about it?

It's the heel of the boot. Okay. You ever heard of this place? No. Puglia. It's the new hot spot. Really? That's where all the young kids are going.

It's the cool spot. Anyway, that's where the wedding is. Jimmy Kimmel's going there? Flights are in the face. What city are you going to fly to? You got to fly to Bari, which is, there's no direct flight. So you either fly to Rome and then Rome to Bari, or you could fly to Paris and then Paris to Bari. Why don't you just fly private?

I can't do that. I've never done that. All right, continue. I've been on a private jet, but I've never paid for one. Been on a few. Really? Yeah. One time, I had a friend in college who came from a wealthy family.

Damn. That's awesome. It's a treat. It is a treat. One time, I was so hungover that while the plane was landing, I was throwing up in the toilet. That's terrible. But it's private, so they didn't even yell at me.

Yeah. Yeah. Obviously. I was just on my hands and knees. The pilot's not going to get up and be like sit back down and i felt the smash of the wheels on the ground that helped the puke a little bit yeah that's probably like a heimlich can we just say quickly quick reversion to what you were telling me on the phone i was laughing so fucking hard i call airball because i always call him to annoy him and he hates that phone call i know he hates it he won't even talk on the phone to me but he picks

up every once in a while because he thinks i might have something problematic to talk to him about it never is problematic and it's never problematic but i called him and it was when he was sick and tell tell me what you were saying all right so i well i think i was like i think it was the third day i don't think i was really that sick anymore i think i was just like run down but uh so pretty much what happened was i woke up on monday like we're we're planning on recording at my apartment on monday right i woke up with a stomach ache but i was like it was nothing crazy it was like ah man my stomach i was like i feel like shit i gotta drink some water or something and then it's like 10 and i'm like i gotta get up i gotta clean this place and set up for ronan francis to come over and i get up go over to the bathroom start shitting and then like instantly i'm all i'm

like doing like handstands like flipping over to throw up while shitting and i was i was throwing up what i said to francis i was throwing up what i said to france was i was throwing up with the amount of force that it was like i think if someone took a photo of me or looked at me from like the side angle i think my feet would have been like levitating above the ground like i think it would have looked like i was doing like a like a keg stand into the toilet it was like my full body was like pulsate like and then like like like literally like my knees were like catching air every time i would throw up like a donkey kick yeah that's literally that's what it felt like and it was crazy because it was like like barely anything was even coming out so

it was just like repeatedly just like... On the phone, this made me laugh so hard that it made me think that all the other laughter I've had over the last couple of years has been fake laughter. I was like, oh, that was what it felt like to laugh without any control over how I'm laughing. That image of him puking in the toilet and his was insane that was the sickest i've been in like in like so long your body just desperately trying to get everything out of you every dude i was shitting just pink so aggressively and then like cutting off the shit mid shit to then like get on my knees and throw up. Did you wipe before you threw up? Almost certainly not.

Obviously not. So you're throwing up on top of the poop? Yeah. Did you not even flush it? Dude, there was no, I promise you there was no time. That is really revolting. Dude, it was insane. Wait, so you're throwing up on top of the poop with your dirty ass getting thrown up into the air?

With my dirty ass all over the ground. And like leaking, leaking down? Leaking shit, ass all over the ground like leaking leaking shit shit all over my ass dude it was insane are you kidding me dude and then i got up and i was like dude it's such like a it's such like a like a i don't even know what the word to use it's like embarrassing because you get up after that and it's like almost like funny because you're like that's that was crazy you're like where did that just get it off a roller coaster you're like what though and you're looking in the mirror in your eyes you're like crying there's tears all over your face and then you just got to go get back in bed and be like well i hope that doesn't happen

again and then of course five minutes later you're back up throwing up just doing break dancing moves on the toilet seat fucking flipping from face to ass i only threw up three times that was the third time getting off the tilt yeah after the third time i got up and i was like i'm not i'm just not gonna throw up again because it was so intense that i so then i just laid in bed and kept it inside of you laid. No matter. So nauseous for like 24 hours straight. No wonder you got so sick. Yeah. I refused to throw up again. Because the third time it was like my throat was like, it felt like my throat was bleeding.

It was, dude, it was terrible. Throwing up when you're sober. Yeah. Is a completely different experience. Which is. From throwing up when you're drunk. And I haven't thrown up since I was in, that was the first time i'd thrown up sober since i was in sixth grade yeah you get so i get that pain in my taint yeah yeah taint cramp yeah i get the taint cramp and then you get a

headache you get your the throat hurts oh it's awful but it was crazy because i was like i mean i've obviously i've thrown up drinking a bunch you know and relief but dude you're throwing up and not throwing up sober for a while it really downplays what throwing up is because i was under the impression like well if i gotta throw up it'll be quick and easy trigger yeah yeah dude it was i mean digging to the bottom of my body trying to get anything out of there yeah you're just dry even at the end it's so miserable that's tough have you ever thrown up not sick but like yeah uh just dry even at the end. It's so miserable. Yeah, it's tough. Have you ever thrown up, not sick, but just thrown up in the middle of the day? Yeah, nauseous, like car sick.

It happened to me a couple years ago that I ate some vitamins and then like- Was it those Ollie Daily Men's vitamins? It wasn't that. No, it was like a handful of like uh of like just every vitamin under the sun and then i drank like a trienta like uh starbucks uh like peach iced tea or something like that and then i just couldn't stop like fucking projectile vomiting like throwing up and i wasn't sick and it was just like i had vitamins and empty stomach and like 30 ounces of starbucks liquid in my fucking body yeah it's and that's like it's a

confusing and like you said embarrassing yeah it's like when a dog throws up yeah it's like it's like yeah it's humiliating i don't know why because it's like you're by yourself it shouldn't be but it's like it's you feel so vulnerable when you're throwing up like there's nothing you can do to protect yourself it's just like everything yeah if you wanted to that would have been the time i was defenseless you'd have to be on top it was dude throwing up right over my shoulder it was insane just being naked on the floor of a bathroom like a song my like shirt on ass covered in shit just sitting there like oh i don't want to do that it's i i mean i remember being a kid and just like telling my my dad like i want to die yeah that's what it

feels like yeah that's what it's like i want to be dead right now i'd rather be dead than feeling what i'm feeling it's so literally what it was like dude i was like i wish someone would break into my house and shoot me in the head have you ever had a moment in your lives where you thought i'm gonna die uh no i mean in terms of being in terms of in terms of sickness when i had mono in college because I was sick for like a month but I wasn't throwing I was never throwing up but that was like that was lasting for so long that I was like I think there's a chance that I might not make it out of this

I was looking up like if there was like I think like leukemia the test can be like similar to like you could test positive for mono and it could be leukemia you had a bad white blood cells though yeah but i was never actually like i'm gonna die that was like i was like that was hypochondria was out of control because i was sick for so long

that i was like there's no way this is mono it was too much yeah I think that there's been times with bad turbulence where I don't think it, but my body is going through such fucking turmoil that my body thinks it, and then it feels that incredible tension. And there's been times when I've been getting bundled by waves in the ocean where I'm like, oh, this could be it. When you fully lose control. Rolling over. Like your head, your ass.

But that's another time where I get out of the water and I'm just hysterically laughing at being like, that was what just happened. You're like, ass cracks hanging out. Trying to get your butt. Sand in your pockets. Yeah, in your pockets. Like under your ball sack.

And like your pockets are heavy with sand wet sand with shells in it yeah that might be like the hardest i've ever laughed is like when you get like fully scorpioned and you're like your your face is on the fucking sand and your legs are like over your body but you can get paralyzed that way yeah yeah people get dumped on by a wave on a too shallow of a break and and your that's bad because you know it's coming when you're when you go to catch a wave body surfing and then all of a sudden you're at the top of the wave and you're going head first into the water you're fucked yeah you're almost talking going to like a full like pill like fucking formation like a little pill bug you ever seen a really good body

surfer when they carve across the wave with one hand out we had a for real we went to i went to martha's vineyard when i was really young and there was a dude that was body surfing there and he would do this thing where instead of like how we would catch the wave where you kind of just swim into it he would do this two two both arm roll like formation where he would he would go like this he would catch the wave and he'd go and then he would be inside the wave and he would fuck he would i mean he was a then he would be inside the wave and he would fuck he would i mean he was a he was a monster on the waves yeah that's cool my brother-in-law taught me about this way that you can uh jump jump in a pool it's like some kind of boy scout maneuver

where you jump into a pool and you do some shit with your arms that like as you jump in your head never goes underwater lifeguard dive is what i was taught that was karate shit as you jump in, your head never goes underwater. Lifeguard dive is what I was taught that was. Fucking doing some karate shit as you jump in. I feel like I worked on it for 40 minutes. Every single time, I just was spastically fucking throwing my arms around it. Never worked at all. I would have loved to have been able to fucking land it. Francis, have you ever felt like you were going to die? Oh, yep, twice.

Actually, no, a couple times. And I think I was right. Have you ever had any actual close calls to being like, I could have just died? I've had a few. I've had some bad moments where you start to think, I need to get religious. Yeah. Because one time I dove off my dock. I was alone and I hit my head on a cement anchor.

I think you told me about that. Yeah. And I was alone. I remember you telling me about that. I came out of the water. And I don't know why I didn't lose consciousness. Because I dove onto a cement block. The first thing that hit was my head.

And I came out of the water and there was blood shooting, like arcing. Like I could see it as a constant stream. I think it was making a sound like a... That's so funny. It was shooting out of my head. Like a spitting cupid? Unbroken, as though you'd cut a hole or a little slit in a water balloon. I don't even know what.

I was just thinking the other day about how I've never bled, like how they bleed in movies. I was like, I don't think anyone actually bleeds like that. I was. With the spraying. It was a faucet of blood coming out of my head oh my god you're so lucky you didn't go unconscious well that's what's that and the fact that i didn't break my neck because it was a complete spinal stopping you know i i dove

and my hands went over the it was a bucket of cement that was anchoring the dock, and my hands went over it, which meant that the first thing that hit was my head. You can see the scar. I have a good scar there. It compressed your spine? Oh, yeah, I see it. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, it's exactly in the center of your head. And that's exactly how people get paralyzed. Yeah. And then I came out of the water and I went, Mom! Mom! Mom! Help!

That's hilarious. And my mom, you know, our house is like set back. And so I was all the way down, all the way at the end of the marsh and then the water. So it was really far away. My mom was in the front of the house and I was off the back of the house, yard, down steps, dock, end of the dock. And so she didn't hear me. She was on the phone. But our next door neighbors heard me.

And the guy came out and he goes, are you okay? And I go, no. I've hit my head. And he goes, how bad? And I was like, I can see the blood. And he goes, do you need an ambulance? And I go, I think so. Were you just in the water, treading water?

The water was only this is why this happened was because I I had just judged how deep the water was it was half tied so I thought it was a lot deeper than it was

and it wasn't you're just standing there I was I wasn't even it wasn't even up to my waist it's like just above my knee but it's murky water so I couldn't see and i was really hung over too so

and so i was standing in the water and then i knew well if i'm gonna pass out i need to make sure i'm not in the water because then i'll drown so i then shuffled the back to the dock and i sat on the dock and i'm sitting on the dock with my feet in the water and i'm thinking okay well somebody will come get me but i'm still watching the blood yeah it's not getting it's not tapering which is probably a good thing you don't want that to start slowing down no it wasn't slowing down and i'm like man this is getting to be a lot of blood and and you could see it in the water and so then i got i was like well i need, now I need to make an effort to get help. So I decided to stand up, and I started walking up the dock and then the steps.

And later I would go back and look, and there was an unbroken trail of blood all the way up. Oh, no. Yeah. Like in a closed caption or a closed circuit tv video of somebody getting shot at a supermarket and they like walk out and there's just like that trail of blood like there was a hole in my foot and i had dragged my foot all the way in a line oh my god and then i got all the way to the top by this point um that guy had

had called my mom and so just as i got to the top of the this point, that guy had called my mom. Just as I got to the top of the yard, my mom came out the back. My whole body is covered in blood. Covered in blood. Imagine how terrified she was. Yeah, but she went into mom mode.

She was like, we're going to fix this. She got a towel and she applied pressure. It was this amazing kind're going to fix this. And she got a towel and she applied pressure. And it was like this amazing kind of instinctual. Mama bear. This thing. And then we called an ambulance and I got in the ambulance. And we went to the hospital. And I've been in ambulances before too.

I've hurt myself a lot. There was always like a kid in high school who had like cracked his head open like six times. I did that a lot. I had cracked his head open six times. I did that one. I had a traumatic head injury in college. It was one of my friends at Penn State was on the first floor dorm. This dude named Mike Ford. They called him Mods because Model T Ford. He was this 6'8 offensive tackle.

Just a big dude. I would just go to his window and knock up and hide and fuck with him. He like come to the window like buck at me and i'd like come back three minutes later and like fucking pop my head up tap on the window and he'd like fucking be like who the fuck's out there that by the third time i did it he like just whipped around and came out the door and it was the night time so i sprinted off into the darkness of the night at Penn State, and I didn't even know what happened. And then suddenly I was on my back. I fucking ran into a horizontal tree branch that just clotheslined me.

It fucking knocked me out. I had to go to the hospital. I got like three staples in my head up here, and it was the same kind of like just nasty, nasty blood just geysering from my head and it was so embarrassing in the same way it was just like all my fault i was being a fucking stupid dickhead trying to mess with mods and uh he fucking chased my ass down and now i have a lump in my fucking brain really or like a palpable lump in my head dude but that dude. That's harmless fun. That's not stupid. It's not like you jumped out of a tree to impress a group of frat people. Is that what you did?

No, I didn't, but a lot of people do that. That's the video you typically see in college. That's like the go-to move for frat dudes. Jump out of a tree? Jump off of a high object. What? Yeah, you like jumping off of roofs into pools. That's some Chef Donnie shit. Yeah, that is. Just jumping off i honestly dude

i took a spill in here two days ago that was the that was the most like out of control i've been in a while i fell down those two stairs i thought i broke my ankle and then i just went and laid in bed in like 30 minutes past and it was completely fine you just rolled your ankle yeah roll it we're gonna have to see how this develops it hurts so let me go lie down and see what happens i was like what i don't even know what i slipped on here's me taking care of myself you just you're just saying like the world's dangerous today yeah pretty much we better play it safe and go to bed no i went and laid in i was already on my way into my room so you're gonna lay down and get something so you jerked off about it and you're fine i honestly i was i was in the

middle of playing video games and i went i was going to get like my phone charger and then i just laid in bed for like five minutes and then got back up and hurt still but now it feels completely it is crazy how like a rolled ankle in the moment can be the most painful thing ever and then within 30 minutes you're pretty okay. The worst part of my situation was that when we finally got to the hospital, they had to numb up the wound, and then I had little pieces of the cement bucket had lodged into my skull. So they had to go in and they had to scrape them out, these little bits,

and I couldn't feel anything uh but i well i could kind of feel it but the sensation was like someone was dragging their fingernails down a chalkboard inside my head were you definitely concussed i don't know you must have been there's no way that your brain if you get that bad of a head injury, they probably don't even think about a concussion. My girlfriend. They're probably like, yeah, but we got bigger things to worry about. My high school girlfriend at that time that I wasn't particularly serious with, her period had been late. And so I was very trouble that she was pregnant and uh

on i i hadn't told i had hung out with her the night before and then she left and then the next morning i did that i jumped off the dock this all she think you were killing yourself no no she didn't know but i i left the hospital and she was like uh i got some good news. I got my period today. I was like, I read that text in the ambulance. That's hilarious. I was picturing you like being in the hospital, gripping her up, being like, I don't want this kid to grow up without a dad.

Yeah, well, this girl was not worth it. I thought you were going to tell her that you tried to kill yourself. That would be hilarious. If she had been pregnant and insisted on having the kid, I having the kid i would you would have jumped back off the dock because she yeah i thought the tide went up turns out it was lower than ever there's no water there i don't think i've had any i don't think i've really had any like great i mean i told you about the time when i was biking and i got clothes lined by that wire when i was in like i was really young when that happened i was in like

fifth grade when that happened yeah but that doesn't sound that bad compared to the stories that ron and i just told i don't think that's really in the same but i did almost like my there was like a big cut in my neck like this big was it bleeding though yeah but just a little it was sort of just red and not not oh it was like scabbed over and yeah scabbed but not there's no scar and then my because i remember i was having a sleepover that night and i went back to the kid's house and my mom picked me up the next morning and the parents like never told my mom yeah they so my mom picked me up and i had this fucking gash through my neck and my mom was like what the fuck is this i think when you're able to continue a sleepover it's probably not that bad i think it was i think it was in i was

in immense amounts of pain but when you're that age you're like i'll fight through this for the sleepover because i remember being that age and i had bad pain and i had to cancel sleepovers that's because you weren't about it no it's because i was having worse injuries than you were you weren't about hanging with the boys. I think our... When I was that age, dude, I could have lost a limb and toughed it out for the sleepover. Sleepovers did give you that laughter you were just talking about, Francis. That true, pure, I can't stop laughing laugh. The best.

Especially when it's four in the morning and one of the parents comes down. The dad comes down in his boxers. And he's like, shut it down now now and you're like fuck you you're mumbling under your breath you're trying to hold in the laughter so bad as you're all pretending to be asleep while some random kid's dad is just hovering over you i heard talking down here it's four in the fucking morning shut up dick shut up old bitch that's what you guys were doing oh yeah we were always very sweet to the parents of the sleepovers very sweet some of you guys had a boring ass childhood but you fucking i had black friends the fuck do you mean bro Well that's probably why you were so sweet They were going to whoop your ass First off it was at my house

Ah okay My sweet ass parents aren't whipping my They didn't let you go over to the black kids houses No we went over there too Well you said first of all it was at my house This one that I'm talking about This specific sleepover Oh you remember exact sleepovers?

This, I remember the one joke that made me laugh so hard and we were like trying to tell people to stop laughing and I was like, cut it out.

And one kid was like, okay. And I had some imaginary symptoms. I was like, oh my fucking god. That is funny. I like couldn't

control my impulses in my body. What? Oh, Italy, Puglia. Yes. Here's the question. Destination? Destination.

It's a destination. Here's the question that I have for you guys, right? If I'm paying for the flights, am I allowed to buy one business class seat and then one premium economy seat? And I get the business class seat and my wife takes the premium economy seat. She'll be pregnant at this time. So you're going to be so fucked over that it's going to be flipped on its head and you're going to wind up... You're going to end up in coach somehow. And she's going to be stretching her feet out i can't do it what about this if she's pregnant absolutely no of course

that'd be hilarious but here's okay here's about here's another question can we do can we do this you could swap like halfway through business class seat and one like regular premium economy seat and then we do we if it's like a 10-hour flight we we each get five hours in the business class seat and five hours and we swap mid-flight i think that's fair i think that's fair you do that you should be able to you absolutely can i've seen people do it with course especially on a long flight on a five-hour flight you can definitely do that 10 10-hour flight yeah but yeah but like you could definitely switch five hours in i think that would be a great solution.

But sometimes they get weird about meals and shit when you're up front like that. They're like, you didn't order the steak. I don't remember you being up here. But we'll tell them. We'll tell them because they'll know. Yeah, I think that works. I think you could do that for sure. I think that's a good solution.

What would your wife think about that? Have youached the subject you have to pick breach because you clearly i don't i right now i don't have enough miles or liquidity to really get to business class seats and i don't want to go on this trip unless we're comfortable because i don't even want to go the problem is everyone's going to want the back half. No one, like the back half is clearly going to be the better half to take the good seat. Getting woken up to be like,

okay, you got to go back to a fucking sorry. I know you've had a really peaceful first five hours. Go slum it out in the back for the last five, except premium economy is going to be good. Still won't be bad, but it's not as good. It's bullshit that a guy is like forced to be good still won't be bad but it's not as good it's not bullshit that

the a guy is like forced to be a gentleman in that situation ever since i've been married i've taken the middle seat every like for three across my wife will always get the window i will always have to have the middle seat i sat next to a 500 pound hasidic dude on the fucking way to chicago the other day and this dude fucking was he literally knocked my arm off the fucking yeah i've had that happen he like not like accidentally he like just while i was asleep knocked my shit off it was so fucking painful but i think what the couples are doing these days is you're getting they're going aisle seat aisle seat next to each other so no one has the middle seat so neither of you have the middle seat you both have aisle seats but you're still next to each other how are we going to cuddle then

you're telling me that a zidic jewish guy was encroaching into your space yeah you get what i'm putting down fucking and he was using tunnels it's the other way around actually here's here's my question uh i was flying on a flight not too long ago and i was i didn't even know it but i was sitting directly next to a muslim guy and at one point in the flight he started praying okay just put uh did he put down in the aisle no he did it in his seat he's making so much half-assed parents and i was like dude i don't think we're flying west you're actually doing this wrong i i was so culturally aware that i was like i don't actually you pull up the flight map and you're like mecca is actually this way yeah based on

the orientation of the plane but um he did that and he was going through the whole thing you know and i i was trying to be so progressive and and like open-minded his hand that you're like giving water just telling myself the whole time this is fine this is fine because deep down you thought that something you thought that he was saying his last rights it's it's so conjuring of, I hate to say it, but 9-11 is so conjuring of it. Yeah, the nastiest ideas that people thought of. I've had Ubers or cab drivers where I've walked up to the Uber and the dude was on the ground praying. And you just got to stand there and be like, are we going? Dude, we're four seats from the fucking cockpit.

Bro. And there's a guy praying. aisle seat or middle or window seat he had aisle i had window so you would have had to cowboy collar tackle him let's just put it this way i started stretching yeah you can't if he's in the aisle that's trouble your seatbelt i took out a long length of dental floss ready to grow quietly he's like you don't need that much floss and i was like you'll see a long length of dental floss. Ready to grunt. Quietly. He's like, dude, you don't need that much floss. And I was like, you'll see. Terrorism doesn't scare me at all.

Must be nice. That's a generational difference. It doesn't scare me. I mean, obviously 9-11, I was horrified. But I think I've like, I think I've rehabilitated very well. We're not going through this again about what you don't get you don't get 9-11 i don't know if you say that but i clearly had me

shaking in my boots you don't get to have it it's not 9-11 was probably the scary we said have you ever been scared of dying yes on september 11 2001 roshima fucking like it was yesterday. It was terrifying. I watched Oppenheimer. You hadn't seen it? No. It's great. So good. So good. I haven't seen a movie like that in a while where I was fully in within two minutes.

Like phone down. Dude, what was up with people saying that the last hour was bad? I didn't find it long at all. They must just be fucking stupid. Because people wanted the climax to be the bomb yeah but like yeah the funny is i thought that was hilarious too that people were like they don't even show it hitting hiroshima they don't see that yeah they're gonna make like melting off make a recreation of the fucking off people's skin getting burnt off we need 10 000 japanese extras yeah i thought that movie, I thought the last hour was amazing.

We're looking for people that used to weigh 700 pounds and have cut a lot of weight but can't afford the skin surgery to tighten it up. We're going to blow a fan at you guys really hard. And by the way, our director of photography, Francis, is going to try to titty fuck a few

of the men if you can. The excess skin. Yeah. But yeah, that's a really good movie, dude. But have you guys watched Salt Burn yet? That was the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. I can't stop hearing about how good it is. People are telling me it's incredible.

If anyone is telling you that that movie is incredible, I'm not even kidding. You should cut them out of your life. John Feidelberg was your boy. Cut him out of your life. Tell me it's his favorite movie he's seen in all year. He then, I mean, then that, that actually, I just lost a lot of respect for Feidelberg. You're not going to go do Out of Order anymore?

We might have to cancel that entire show. That was the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. What did you hate about it? A, have you ever seen the talented Mr. Ripley? Yeah. It was the exact same. They stole the plot word for word. He blatantly stole that movie.

At first I thought it was going to be a little call me by your name situation. That movie fucking sucked. It was also in a weird way. It was like that South Park episode, like a poop that made a pee. way it was like that south park episode like a poop that made a pee where it was like they just wrote the most fucked up and like disgusting shit that they possibly could it's just so everyone would be like ew like ew i legitimately like that movie was so bad that i got like angry at the world after that that people are actually saying that they like you no one enjoyed that movie nobody liked that movie.

Francis, you should watch it. I bet you'll enjoy it. I think I will. Have you seen Talented Mr. Ripley? Yes. You'll watch it, and within five seconds, you'll turn it off. You'll go, this is just a blatant ripoff. I don't really mind movies that are derivative of other movies.

Dude, it's not derivative. It's a carbon copy. I liked Friends with Benefits, and I liked No Strings Attached. Dude, it's a carbon copy. It's the exact same movie. Those are the two movies that are the same, and I like them both. I promise you these are more similar. I liked both Fyre Festival documentaries.

That's way different. I've given you two examples. I liked Painkillers, and I liked Dopesick. I liked them both. Dude, this was... I think you're just squeamish. The craziest part was that the director was like, there was zero inspiration taken from Talented Mr. Ripley. He's like, yeah, dude, except for the entire movie, you fucking dumbass.

I'm so sick of these movies that are so bad. And then people are like, that was actually a phenomenal film. Here's a good one for you. Anatomy of a Fall. It's because people like movies where they know they're bad. But then they're like, well, I went to NYU film school. So actually, I know reasons why this movie is better. The cinematography in this movie is phenomenal.

Just back off the point. Great shots. Just let it go. Let's move on to... It's fucking bullshit. ...what I have to say, which is anatomy of a fall. What's that one? I saw that on someone's list.

What? You didn't like it? The pivot was funny. You're funny, dude. No, I... Dude do i could go on about that movie you know we're here sometimes i could go on about this like i do the thoughts i have on this movie like i'm not even kidding like angry at the world for how bad that movie was get it a waste of space and time i know how you feel about the film they should kill everyone that

was involved in that movie. They should round them up and burn them. That's not nice to say. They should make them all jump off of that fucking deck and smash their heads in. Good. Let's find more ways to describe it. And then everyone that went on Letterboxd and was like 10 out of 10

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Find new ways. i'm just saying what did you feel i said about the holocaust there things got out of control but that movie is so bad as a jew though you're allowed to say that uh i during the whole thing i was like oh they're just trying to put like cram in as much fucked up stuff as possible um wait you had a take before he went off and i trust you'll honestly give us that take what was your take before his take i i wasn't offended it's like a very conversation starting movie it's like something that will give you we wanted to have a conversation and then he delivered the fucking gettysburg address. Which I think proves how the movie is good art

because it has given him such a visceral reaction. What's your favorite movie? Inception. Have you ever had anyone explain Inception and be like, that movie was very curious, really thought provoking. Or like, that movie is a fun one to bounce conversations

off of. It's pedantic. If you have to describe a movie as people, all the comments or like that that movie is a fun one to bounce conversations that means if you have to describe a movie as people like all the all the comments are like this movie's it's not great but it's fun that yeah the movie sucks that's all that when i was watching it i was like all right this movie's ass that that it was just like they're they're just trying to they're like it's almost comical where they're just like what's the most fucked up thing that we could put in this part of the movie what's the most fucked up

thing we could put in this part of the movie but I watched it until the end I enjoyed it and I've enjoyed talking about it and bringing it up

to people cool so overall thumbs up from Rome I would say you should watch it thumbs up it's a thumbs up

oh my lord Francis you should watch it today I would pay you to not watch this movie. Why? $100. How about what if you let him?

Yes, you know what I'm asking. No, I would pay you $100 to not watch this movie. I don't watch the movie. Do I? No. Squeeze him? No. Squeeze him really?

No. We do have to end, though. We've got to go into this live. Okay. We'll cram in some ads, and we'll see you guys next week. Goodbye.