Son of a Boy Dad - The Lonely Bi | Son of a Boy Dad #196

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

The Lonely Bi | Son of a Boy Dad #196 -- Follow us on our socials: https://linktr.ee/sonofaboydad -- Merch: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/son-of-a-boy-dad -- SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE #SonOfABoyDad #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/sonofaboydad

Hey, Son of a Boy Dad listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Owen, sometime today, please. I was never going to say that. I would never. You ready, Seth? Yeah, I'm ready.

All right. Shall we? Yeah. You guys are pissing me off. You're pissing me off. Hot start. All right. Welcome back to the Son of a Boy Dad podcast.

Today, it's May 1st, 2024. You're here from HQ3. Welcome back welcome back this is gonna be a spicy episode i can already feel it yeah what's gonna be spicy about it i just think there's gonna be a lot of nobody's gonna be pulling any punches we're all gonna bear our talons and our fangs roan's not feeling well right uh i'm feeling dialed in yeah yeah i get though i am dialed and i'm ready to fucking go to war with and it'll probably be with you it's almost only gonna be with sass i never fight with you we could if people want to see no no i don't want i don't want that smoke i don't want that smoke no no no no want that smoke. No, no, no. No way, Jose. You have me at my weakest right now, so you really could pounce and kick me while I'm down.

Dude, that diss track against Kevin, you put that together, man. So a little behind the Wizard of Oz curtain here, we ended our episode recording on Monday, and Roan was sitting in this chair, and he was sort of looking through his phone sort of typing some stuff and he's the most conversational person alive but I was talking to him and he was just a little kind of focused you could tell and I got up and I was like all right bud I'll see you later and he goes you got it and you can close that door if you want which is you know a polite way to basically say close the door and i just could tell that he was going to sit in here until the job was done wow and i felt like i wanted to close

it the way that a father closes the bedroom door on a sleeping child where i said i don't want to disturb the focus and serenity of this room this is an incubator right now of great thought let the boy sleep yeah let the boy sleep. Yeah, let the boy cook. But I think we should spend some more time on my childish lash out at Ben Stiller. Well, that was funny. Huh? That was funny.

I don't know. I just... Were you... Was there vehemence there? No, I wasn't even... I wasn't even really on my phone, or I tweeted it, and then I didn't really see that there was negative backlash until several hours later. I was like, damn. How do you really feel about Ben Stiller?

Was there truth in what you said? I don't like the feeling that I get from a pocket of movies that he makes specifically there's something about mary all the meet the parents meet the falkers movies and along came polly where everything goes wrong for the main character i don't like that feeling right and that's my that's how i genuinely but obviously he makes great movies but i also was hurt and i wanted him to feel bad yes i was trying to hurt him because i was hurt right do you do you think he's better as a villain dodgeball uh you could argue that in zoolander he's almost an anti-hero heavyweights he's so great that's same character as zoolander it is it is or no heavyweights is same character as dodgeball. As Dodgeball. Yeah.

I wouldn't argue for his range necessarily. But Tropic Thunder's incredible. Yeah. And Zoolander's incredible. Meet the Fockers is hilarious. Meet the Parents or Meet the Fockers? All of those movies. Meet the Parents was iconic. I thought the others were just sort of money grabs.

Oh, I thought those movies are fucking hysterical. I just categorically don't like that something goes wrong with the main character that could easily be explained but for the sake of the movie it's like everybody doesn't understand what happens and it's all going wrong

for him. It's just this kind of calamitous film but it's like that's just my gripe with it i was being i was like lashing out because my team lost yeah no i disagree completely i love ben stiller and i like walter mitty one of my favorite movies so the jews aren't gonna let you into hollywood just because you suck your dicks the heartbreak kid the heartbreak kid's one of the funniest movies i've ever seen. The movie is hysterical. Walter Mitty is good.

It inspired me to travel to Iceland by myself, and I was the one that opened the door there for both of you. Not quite. I went first. You were the original – you were Leif Erikson. I was. On the original journey. Ernest Shackleton.

Walter Mitty actually made me want to go to Iceland too. Not you at all, but Walter Mitty. You you would say that we can both agree on that well i went eight years before you filmed in iceland though i think so yeah or maybe some of greenland too yeah but i think given that i went so much before you did that you'd have to argue because i remember we talked about it before you went yeah no but you and you said what were your experiences like and i said man just don't even ask just trust me go and then you went yeah on that urging no no i think i already had the trip booked i already had my flight i think you were thinking about it and then you were like oh actually i went to iceland once no no i had already told you that i don't actually care at all but i had told you that tell me the stories you were asking because we had a lot of time we were in a car i don't actually care at all. I had told you that. I'll let you tell me the stories.

You were asking because we had a lot of time. We were in a car. I don't recall that at all. We were in a long car ride. I don't remember us ever being in a long car ride together. We've done that a few times. A bunch of times now. Because remember the dogs sat on your lap?

We almost had one long car ride and then Francis decided to have me drop him off at his sister's house or cousin's house. Where was it? After West Virginia when I had an eight-hour drive. Oh, off at his sister's house or cousin's house where was it after west virginia when i had an eight hour drive oh that was my sister's house at least we're gonna be able to drive back together i didn't even tell you that i wasn't coming 10 minutes into the drive france is like just take a left over here i'm just gonna hop out of this coffee shop and i was like oh all right and then i drove eight hours back to new york by myself from west virginia yeah but i think it wasn't 10 minutes. It was 45.

And that 45 minutes was spent with me talking about Iceland and my experiences there. No, I think I already was back from Iceland. So then it was a previous trip. I still remember. I remember thinking I could, I have paved a runway for him to fly there. When my friend suggested Iceland, I didn't even want to go to Iceland.

I wanted to go to Sweden. Where I've also been. And if you go there, make sure we talk first. Or not Sweden, Switzerland. I wanted to go to Switzerland. Of course I have been there. Still do you want to go to Switzerland?

You should go. I can tell you all about that. Tell him. Why wait? I feel like this is a good time to indoctrinate the boy. Switzerland is a beautiful country. Obviously, you know, from the scenery. And then they've got some fun casinos. The Swiss franc is

actually pretty strong right now, I think. I never even considered the idea of there being casinos in other countries. That's usually where I go to casinos is when I'm in another country really? that's usually where I have cash for me it's because the money's not going to the Native Americans

oh yes that's a big one that's the last place I want my fucking cash going to the res I don't want to send my shit back up to the res. Dude, California is just littered with reservations. Dude, they're everywhere. Every map you look at, there's all those highlighted areas and it's reservation.

In Milwaukee, I think the only casino is on the middle. It's like on a reservation right in the middle of the city. Yeah. I think the reservation is only the site of the casino. Yeah. That's all that's there. Right. And they have their own government

and shit there. Yeah. They have their own laws. They just murder people. No. You can just kill someone. That's not right. If you're Native American.

You can as long as you use every part of the body. You can kill someone at a reservation and there's no one who cares. You harvest the lungs and link the kidneys together for some sort of

dream catcher. You jump rope with a long intestine, small intestine. You desiccate the heart to hang over your bed. Keep evil spirits away. Are you a big Native American guy? Do you like them? I don't dislike them

so just neutral that's not very american of you to not dislike the native to not dislike them no i don't have anything against them i wouldn't say i'm for them so you're kind of anti your founding fathers yeah who beat them into oblivion yeah i, I guess. You're not for the Native Americans. Well, no, I'm not against them, nor am I for... I don't know if I'm really for any races aside for the whites. No, I'm kidding. For the whites. Yeah.

No, I'm not like... I don't have any opinions on them. Everybody has an opinion. I don't know if I've ever actually met a real Native American person well they would be the types of people that would tell you they have one 16th Cherokee

or something yeah like Elizabeth Warren yeah but she was one 256th or something like that yeah something like that Pocahontas yeah

he flamed her ass with that one yeah Trump called her Pocahontas that's the funniest thing I know it's a damn good do you think that he had someone come up with that?

No. Do you think he has a little writer's room? That's a good question. No, I think it would have gotten out already if he did. But if he... Or, like, do you think he even bullshits with people? Does he have an inner circle of people that he's like, that they can throw around a joke,

and he's like, I'm going to use that? Yeah, probably. I bet he does steal jokes a lot. I got some Trump stories of people I know who have met him, and they have funny stories. Please. So one time he was... These people I know were playing golf, and I think it was at one of his courses. It might have even been the one in Florida.

And he played through. He always plays through. So they had to step off to the side. Yeah. He played through. He always plays through. So they had to step off to the side. Yeah.

And he had just dropped what he called the Moab, the mother of all bombs. Do you remember that? Where was that? Probably Syria, maybe. Oh, and we might need a little fact check on that. Sorry. It was somewhere. Mother of all bombs.

And what's going on, Sass? I think you're batting over 100. I watched him take it, and then he just dropped it. I don't know. Neither of us know where it went. Do you know what it's like trying to podcast with someone who's squirming and freaking out over their jewel all the time? I wasn't imagining it. I saw him reach and take it.

But half the time, you just do imagine it. You have no credibility. I know I didn't imagine it. He just dropped it out of his hand. Who took my jewel? And then you stand up and you realize it's in some weird pocket. No, he just took it. Because you're not familiar with your own pants.

He's the boy who yodeled jewel. Moab in Afghanistan. It's called the mother of all bombs? That's what he was calling it. But it's not a nuclear weapon? Correct. That's the father of all bombs. That doesn't make sense. Wouldn't it still be the mother? He's saying the nuclear bomb is the father of all bombs yes that doesn't make sense wouldn't it still be the mother he's saying

the nuclear bomb is the mother of is the father of all bombs yeah so this is this is like a an aunt or uncle of all bombs him but mother of all bombs moab right rolls nicely off the tongue yeah and this guy that i know young guy he's kind of of, you know, couldn't, he's impulsive. He said, as Trump was pulling away in his golf cart, he goes, great work with that bombing, or like with the bomb, Mr. President. And Trump slammed on the brake of his golf cart, got out, and walked over to him, shook his hand and goes, that was fucking something else, wasn't it? That's funny. Looked him dead in the eye. That was fucking something else, wasn't it?

Wow. And went off and played. Wow. But he loved being recognized for that and also talking about it. He's like, no, I was talking about your golf shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that it would stop him shanked a lot of syrians that it would that it would stop him in his golf cart to

have him get out and be that passionate i was i can't even believe he drives his own cart i guess that's i think he does i know he does because he drives on greens oh really that is something that is a little controversial. I don't care if you're the most diehard Trump fan. If you are a diehard Trump fan and a golf aficionado, someone who likes to play golf, that is a conflict of affection there. Is that why he owns so many golf courses? Just so he can do that without anyone giving him shit?

I think he does it on golf courses that he doesn't own and there's nobody who's gonna tell him not to drive on the greens damn but he definitely does it on his own he went to the local course that i grew up playing on they would definitely tell him if he went to the public the biggest assholes of all time you're also from massachusetts chase him down get the fuck off the greens they wouldn't give a shit if it was trump i don't they i don't know about that they would they would shut the course down for him yeah i'm joking way to see the point and just take all the wind out of our sails on that well i, I don't know. Obviously, if Donald Trump went to play at North Hill

Country Club, they would shut down the course. That doesn't necessarily mean that they would still not tell him to... Oh, look at that. Yeah. Fell out of your pocket and threw the couch.

Fell out of my pocket And threw the couch Fell out of my pocket Went over the back I was In DC and I was at a Place and Michelle Obama was Taking a tennis lesson Really? I heard she's an Avid solid core advocate

Is that right? I heard she was a man. Oh, God. I almost think that that's like... I enjoy making fun of the political elites as much as anybody, but I almost feel like it's like fate to just call her a man right now. Yeah.

I mean, dude, I remember reading... Have you ever seen this? The Michelle Obama's a man, the penis pictures? No. No? I don't look up. I saw this like 10 years ago. Michelle Obama.

And then it resurfaced recently. It's like the same category as Beyonce's pregnancy is fake. Yeah. It's like E! News-y. Kind of. It doesn't excite me. It doesn't? No, it's not is fake. Yeah. It's like E-news-y. Kind of. It doesn't excite me. It doesn't? No, it's not as exciting.

No, it's not that titillating. It's like photos of a crotch with the penis bulging through. I'm going to need her. I'm going to need to see her penis dangling off the bed like that jack dude from COVID. Yeah.

If I'm really going to buy into this, I'm going to need, like, I want to know the size, girth, and length of her penis. Yeah. I want to to know the volume i want to know if it's like that australian dude who who did that uh you guys see that australian guy who got caught on a man on the street and he's like i'm in the top one percent of i only fainted creatus no and he and like all the comments are like i had to find his his dick and it's just like next to a wine bottle oh yeah it's the size of a wine bottle yeah but that's what it seems like when all like

like if michelle obama does have a penis the bulge that they're showing would mean that her penis is like 12 inches soft that's what i mean i that would excite me like if i wore a dress or yoga pants you would not be able to see the bulge of my penis you'd be a perfect trans yeah you'd be able to see the balls you'd be able to see my balls ian finance i'd love you balls yeah ian finance is really going at it with the trans community right now i know yeah what do you mean he posted like a clip from his special and it has like a thousand likes and like two thousand quote retweets wow uh it's uh him is it him saying something negative about trans people no no saying that he likes to fuck them yes he does yeah i asked him to rank the genders that he is sexually attracted to really what did he say number one was women number two is trans number

three is men really and he told me that when he hooks up with men, he's not happy with himself. Really? Yeah. That's hilarious. If it happens, it's really bad for him. Sends him into a dark place. I mean, I was like, I guess I can relate to that. I feel like if that happened to me, I would be like, oh my God. Has he ever considered the idea that maybe he's not into dudes? Right? idea that maybe he's not into dudes um right like if you're fucking one of the genders and it makes you feel bad about yourself and disgusted afterwards it's probably just not for you

i think that my guess is that ian ends up with men the way that like i don't know when we were single we would end up with like a someone that we were really not attracted to. It does happen if you're just very lonely or drunk or horny or whatever. He's just lonely? I don't know. I don't want to speak. We should get him on the pod. It's fascinating. His sexuality is fascinating to me. If you are just lonely, though, men will be the ones that you wind up with. Just a horny guy just a horny guy yeah after the i mean i don't know if this is uh like you're not wrong i mean like everyone i know that's like a dude that's bisexual it's

just like well i fuck girls but if i'm like really drunk i'll fuck dudes it's not like dudes who are like seeking out dudes it's dudes who are like everyone else left the bar after the uh my dick is fucking something tonight right dude after the nfl draft show in chicago i uh went to the hotel with taylor and will i rode there in an uber and they're like dude you got you're gonna fucking love this hotel it's so nice and uh i got to the Uber and they're like, dude, you got, you're going to fucking love this hotel. It's so nice. And, uh, I got to the hotel and they're like, okay, we're going up to our rooms. I went to the desk to check in. They're like, bad news. We don't have a room for you. We've oversold the hotel. It's like, what the fuck is this dude? This is absolute bullshit. I didn't say that to them, but I was like visibly pissed off. They're like, don't worry. We'll put you in

another hotel at no cost to you. Excuse me. I i should hope not like you're putting me in a worse hotel and you're not gonna charge me fucking thank you and i said i should hope not and the lady just glared at me she was so fucking furious they took me from this is like probably some kind of marriott like but the creme de la creme of marriott's they they put me in some random-ass shitty Marriott, and afterwards I was like, fuck this, dude. I'm not just going to bed. I need to go out and have a drink, and I fucking stumbled down the block

to some fucking shitty bar in the middle of Chicago, the type of bar where there's six black dudes out front being like, we eat Molly Coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a nasty, nasty Irishish bar people fucked up like drinking smells like farts in there smell like farts i think it was called snickers or something like that which didn't didn't make any sense to me really maybe because it was nutty and black but i couldn't really figure it out but i sat down at the bar and i was just like give me two high noons i just

had the two high noons and i don't even think i looked up i was like uh yeah company man for sure i was like barney and like the simpsons like just with my head down like i wasn't even looking up from the bar and the dude across the bar was like are you all right man like trying to talk to me i was like i'm fine and he's just like you want to talk i was like fuck this dude yeah what a funny drink to wear when you're angry drunk yeah i'll just get a watermelon high noon i just have a passion fruit two passion fruits you guys only have pineapple fine barkeeper i'm dealing with a lot of pain bring me me a peach. Give me a strawberry tequila. Give me a watermelon high noon neat. I'm going to need the peach tonight.

It was depressing as hell, bro. Did you end up talking to this guy? No, because I was like, bro, first off, I don't want to talk to a soul. And then in the back of my head, I'm probably like, this dude is a cruising bisexual who's just trying to fucking strike up a conversation with my vulnerable ass at the fucking bar and i'm not going outside tonight sucking this dude off right they're saying that high noon is the drink of bisexuals right now yeah it's like the upside down pineapple your hotel room it's like having an of the lonely buy i remember in in college i used to i tried to do the thing where you cuff the pants oh francis you're doing it right now well now it's gonna seem like i set this up i did not actually set this up but then someone told me that that was uh that was for

to let people know that you're a bisexual and And I stopped doing it. Wait, why would I be upset about that? That's exactly why I did it. What are you thinking about that? After that, I started ironing the cuffs of mine. I started taping them down to my socks. Unfortunately, I feel like cuffing your pants has actually gone out of style, but these ones are so long.

I think it's back. I think it's freshly back. I can't wear them without cuffing them. So I guess I need to get them tailored. No. That's expensive. Dude, I went to an Irish bar in Baltimore because it was the only place that had food still at the hour

after the show on Thursday. Yeah, it's always the only place you can get Coke late at night. Food. The only place you get dick at this hour two high noons please by the way two high noons is definitely invitation the fact that you wouldn't have one but just in case someone around wants one like two at the same time you sure you don't want us to keep the other one cold you never know

it's hilarious to order two high noons two at the same time I need to find a picture of it I'll do two high noons and a shot of Pink Widow keep them coming oh my god no I definitely took a picture of it too because it looks so fucking funny bro but i was gonna say that this irish bar the late it was the late night menu so it's not even their full food menu it's just like pub snacks and stuff and they had you know they had a

stew an irish stew a guinness stew on there guess how much this guinness stew cost what would you think a bowl of stew it should cost eight dollars irish pub in baltimore would cost it should cost 8.50 but i'm gonna guess around 20 28 dollars that's crazy that's when i said inflation is real. This is Biden's plan. Yeah, but it's also kind of a smart plan to up the prices on late night food because they know it's just going to be

a bunch of drunk people who will spend anything anyway. Yeah. And I was pretty infuriated, but they actually said it was really good and they brought it out and it was the largest serving of stew. I mean, it was a joke.

Well, what was in it though? Gigantic- Beef chunks? Medallions of beef. And a lot of them. What kind of cut? Was it like a... Probably like steak tips. Oh, steak tips. So it was a dense cut. Yeah, dense cut. Carrots. Huge amounts of potatoes.

Big dollop of mashed and then sort of boiled ones underneath that. Lots of gravy, all that brown shit. Peas. It was pretty good. It was very hearty. Shortening. That was last night I was thinking about when we went out in Denver after one of the shows. And we went to that bar.

And we went to another bar. The vodka place? No. This was like the second night. Friday night. And then you ordered the gumbo. Oh, I did. At like two in the morning.

That was a mistake. No, it was great though. That place? Remember how good it was? The gumbo? The gumbo was good. Did you have some? Did you have a spoon?

Yeah, we were passing it around. I don't remember you eating any. I did. I remember it very well. It was delicious. I remember sharing it with everyone else, but I don't think you had any. There was three of us there. Peters had some.

Peters was there. My friend Bo was there. His friend Bo had, Francis' friend Bo had a fistful of the gumbo. No, me, me Bo and Francis had to go sit down and get food the intellectuals had to speak for a minute

because Mook and Peters were shit faced ooh what flavor so you did get a watermelon it's a watermelon and a pineapple that's hilarious

I like I love how the bar is completely empty no it's not it's just the this is like there's two horseshoes so this is the one horseshoe and the other one

was completely packed with people. I got them from the one bartender's and then walked over to a place that had a little bit more space. The bartender's? The bartender's, yeah. And just had my fucking head down until I almost got sexually assaulted. Yeah. Two fucking

high noons. Should be the fucking cover art. Should be the album art it's for real for real but i'm uh i'm excited to follow your guys denver trajectory i need to know every spot you guys hit oh you're heading out there soon yeah later this month for the bachelor party yeah that still hasn't happened i know like we talked about that like eight months ago i know dude you think i wouldn't have talked about it when you get to this to my advanced age you have to plan things so far in advance that you're going to have fun with then we had sam talent on i thought you were talking about like it was that weekend well we were in the midst of planning it i see at that time i see we had also just come home

so it was top of mind for us it was top of mind for you well yeah denver's great i'm trying to get out to denver soon i'm going to be there July. We should go to fucking Switzerland, hit the casinos. Damn. That was the best run I've ever had in blackjack, was at a casino in Switzerland. Yeah? Yeah.

Were they crowding around you, the Swiss? Were they celebrating your win? No, I mean, not really. No, I was with three of my buddies from high school. We were 18 and we had just graduated high school. We went on a backpacking trip with a Eurail pass through Europe and we were staying at hostels. And we stayed at a hostel in Interlaken, Switzerland. And we decided to go to the casino.

And I think I won like 175 Swiss franc francs which was a huge amount of money to me at the time and uh my friends nope none of us had any money and so they then thought that i sort of was gonna fund the rest of the trip fund a lot of the next few days with 175 euro? 175 francs, which was weaker than the euro. I think it was weaker than the dollar at the time. May still be. So you had 150 bucks and they're like, let's fucking blow it out. They were like, you're paying for dinners for all of us.

But as a celebration we went to Hooters. Oh, I didn't even know they had Hooters. They had a Hooters there. Switzerland. Yeah, they had Hooters. We went to Hooters and I think we got milkshakes or something. I don't know, maybe a basket of wings, something like that. You had a pretty hot streak in West Virginia. Yes, I did.

I did do well there too. And I lost all of my money. Yeah. I lost all the money that we got paid, which was not a lot of money. No, it wasn't. I only lost money on that trip. That was a goodwill trip. That was the purpose of it.

And it didn't really garner much goodwill. No. You guys think that Hooters is a happy place or a sad place? Sad place now. Used to be a happy place. Is that because you've grown up or because Hooters has grown old? Because Hooters has grown old and now it's just like old men there. Now all the girls who would just work at Hooters have only fans.

Only fans, exactly. The porn industry has destroyed Hooters. Yes. The freelance porn industry. Those women, I will say, the fact that they've been given the means to their own production is bad for society. It was much better when they were kept.

Under the thumb of some curly-haired 500-pound guy who was just forcing them to have sex with him after they had sex with the hot guy that was also on amphetamines that they were underpaying. Yeah. Bingo. That's what you were going to say, right? Those in so many words.

Verbatim. Yes. Well, that was back when porn was porn. Back when it meant something. Not anymore. What does it mean now? Just take a picture of your butthole and post it online. Steal a photo of your butthole?

Yeah. The porn bots are getting so fucking smart. Yeah, they're spacing out words. Have you seen this? They space out words so that you can't mute the words. I don't know what you're talking about. What is this? If you ever tweet and then you get a bunch of porn bots rep yeah yeah i do they so they'll they'll it'll be like link in bio

so it's in in a lot of people they would like mute the words link in bio so they wouldn't have to see all those ads but now they space them out so it'll be like l space i space they're they're so sophisticated that if i tweet something like man uh i i'm feeling really uh allergic i'm feeling my allergies are really like going off today they'll be like you know what you need to help your runny nose me coming on your face yeah yeah and it it is a response that has bearing on what I wrote. It'll be like Tyrese Maxey has a clutch shot

and they'll be like, want to see this like clutch pussy or something like that? Speaking of Maxey, here's my pad. Yeah. And it's filled with blood.

Yeah, they're like genius level. Well, I don't think they just have random dudes running the accounts for them. I think it's bots, I don't think they're... I think they just have random dudes running the accounts for them. I think it's bots. I don't think so.

Because they pop up immediately. I think it's just... I literally think it's some dudes getting paid like a grand an hour to just be on Twitter the entire time replying to tweets. Or Indian dudes who are getting paid one Swiss franc an hour.

Yes, exactly. They were just fucking grinding away at it. Was it... Who was it that was telling me the other day that... Was it one of you guys that was telling me that those Amazon you know those Amazon to go stores that existed for like a year

where you'd walk in and then you'd just leave and it would charge you they said that they shut down all of those places someone was telling me that they shut down all of those places because it was not they made it seem like it was this like super advanced like AI software that was like keeping track of everything that you would take. And then they were like, no, there was just cameras everywhere and there was like 100 Indian dudes like counting what you were picking up. No way.

I don't believe that. That's what they were saying. There's no way. That's too imperfect of a science. Someone told me that. Who told you that? I don't remember. You need to reveal that source. I genuinely don't that person is a works for a rival of amazon

they might or they work for pakistan yeah like the indian guys are fucking doing all this do you know that there's conflict between pakistan and india i do yes there's a region that they both like yeah and they want and they fight over it. Yeah. Gaza. No, no. No. No. The Gaza Strip. I think it's actually called Poon Gaza. Ah.

Poon Gaza. Interesting. We don't talk enough about Pakistan on this show. No. Not nearly enough. We're always talking about Afghanistan and... Iran. Iran.

India. India. But we never talk about Pakistan. No, Pakistan does not get nearly as much love as it should. Yeah, we kind of... Things went a little south there when we found out they'd been hiding bin Laden all those years. I always forget that he was in Pakistan. Yeah. But also, I heard that it's kind of a nice and safe place to visit.

There's a lot of security measures everywhere, like that you can't go into a hotel without going through a metal detector. But it feels safe while you're there in Pakistan. When you guys go to a bar or a kind of lounge or club eating drinking establishment in another city and they pat you down does that make you more excited about the bar or less i don't know if i've ever been patted down but i've definitely had like the handheld scanner the wand yeah i went to a place in tulum uh a bar and they did a fucking assiduous pat down of your entire body then they went through your wallet and thumbed through to see if there was like any type of paraphernalia or anything in there and then when you go into the bathroom at that place there's a million dudes

being like coke molly weed oh inside so it's basically like the front bouncers, probably cartel stuff, in cahoots with the guys in the bathroom being like, you're not going to bring anything in here. You're going to buy your cocaine from inside the bar. It's a souped up version of what they do at AMC theaters. Yes. It's the same thing.

It's probably the same Pakistani guys. Higher margins on cocaine than popcorn, as it turns out. Are there? The margins? Popcorn's pretty expensive. Popcorn is so expensive and so cheap to make. You know what else is expensive? Cocaine.

Yes. Are you guys really trying to make the argument right now that popcorn is pretty expensive? Are you saying margins, though? You're talking about the cost that it takes to make it versus the cost it takes to sell it, the upcharge. Popcorn's got to be pretty much free.

Popcorn isn't made in the jungle under the fucking dirty fingers of a completely, like, feudal serfs of the Oaxacan cartel. If you get caught with some popcorn there's not like swaths of dudes going to jail and losing kilos of popcorn as like this yeah because as far as i know nobody's ever laced popcorn with fentanyl and knocked out entire classes of you know high

school kids that's why you got to start going to alamo instead of the amc there you go yeah there you go that's where they have the fucking fentanyl popcorn i heard a lot of these alamos are going out of business or they're like maybe it's bankrupt or something be kind of sad amc stock isn't in the shitter yeah they're saying that tim butterly was saying that movie theaters are going to be out of business in a year. Yeah, Tim Butterly was just saying that too. I like Tim Butterly. He's a big popcorn guy. Oh. Big cocaine guy, I think too.

I'm kidding. I have no idea. But probably. Did you get the Butterly joke? Yes. You did not. No, you didn't. I know.

I just said I didn't. Oh, good. Okay. I didn't until you just said butterly again. It's good to hear you be honest for once. Yeah. It's a good joke. Owen got it. Yeah.

Owen was dying laughing in the corner. Yeah, it looks like it. It looks like he was really howling. Look, let's just say right now, if there's a scoreboard on funny moments, you and I are neck and neck. Because you've had some good ones today. Yeah, I always do. When you said Michelle Obama had a penis, that was a good funny moments. You and I are neck and neck. Cause you've had, you've had some good ones today. Always do.

Um, when you said Michelle Obama had a penis, that was a good, funny one. That was a good one. Not really a turn of phrase, but more, more brutalist comedy.

Yeah. Disgusting and highly, um, conspiracy oriented. Shock humor these days. Whereas I did a butter pun on popcorn, which is is you know both of your wheelhouses it's the type of thing that people are going to be able to say i'm going to play this part of the podcast for my family the butterly joke that is assuming that their family is all they're all big tim butterly fans yeah you need to be on a tape delay for car ride

families francis is allowed to they can spool it out yeah no fear francis is pg to pg-13 yeah yeah i'm r to x like a pharmacy nc-17 yeah are there actually any nc i was looking there's like there's like only a couple actual nc-17 i don't know if they're even doing that anymore, to be honest with you. Are they even rating movies anymore? There was the one, Striptease, that would always be on VH1 late night. Sometimes they would blur it. There's gratuitous sex scenes.

They're fucking in the pool. Do you ever watch Striptease? No. Sometimes they would lightly blur it out. Then some nights, it was like a crapshoot sometimes you just get full titty full vag on vh1 late night that's crazy penetration uh no not penny but full penny but just straight vag you would see vag well they're like they were like strippers on stage so they they would be dancing Vag out. And then they'd have sex scenes, but in the pool, so their genitals are underwater. Which actually magnifies them.

Right, distorts them. Enlarges them, yes. Much like Michelle Obama's penis. Yeah, I'd love to see Michelle Obama underwater. Get a look at that hog. Like the Nirvana cover. I'd love to see Michelle Obama redoing the Nirvana cover. Get a look at that fucking throbbing wand she's got that thing's not throbbing underwater nobody is engorged in a pool

you gotta see michelle obama in that theory where did the where did uh the girls come from where did her cocaine daughters come from oh i don't know. Are they Coke girls? I think one of them is. Malia? Maybe. The older one? One of them's a little bit of a partier. She went to Harvard. Yeah. And she's the one who's doing film festivals but not under her name now? That's

Sasha. The older one. The older one is Sasha and the younger one is Malia. Yeah. Wait, she does film festivals under a different name? Yeah, it's like Sasha X. Sasha... There's pictures of Sasha spoken six. I thought she was pretty cool.

Made me think she was cool. Oh, that's that one? That's Sasha that was spoken six? I think Sasha's the older one. She went to Harvard. That's hilarious to be like, yeah, she goes by a different name and then she has like 70 Secret Service guys. Malia surely not someone important she only has a pack of secret service guys surrounding her yeah that six foot tall black girl who has the same first name as

the first daughter but ann is so different from obama it can't be it's like lisa ann yeah i'm curious there's snipers on the roof of this local new york film festival they just shot three critics yeah we went to i went to school with rudy giuliani's daughter really and her name was caroline but she changed her last name to Rose. Oh, Caroline Rose. Why are they all picking porn star names? Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, Caroline Rose.

And Rose. What is it about naming themselves? That's why girls can't be trusted to name themselves. I don't think she got along with her dad. I think she was trying to distance herself from him. Why not pick something nice and ethnic? That's funny. Yeah. Oh, flattery. That's hilarious. LeBron James Jr. didn't want to wear number 23. It's like, dude, you're LeBron James Jr.

No one's going to just be identifying you from the number. Yeah, true. Wait a second, 23? And it all connects in their mind? Wait a fucking second. Oh, this guy's ripping off that LeBron James guy. I didn't notice until the number. You know, it was something funny that I saw.

Do you remember? Did you guys see that we got that offer to do massages in the office? Yes, they were doing them yesterday. There's three massage tables up there. Yeah. So they always they do that a lot. I never have done it. Massages is crazy, though.

I saw Tommy Smokes trying to flip over. It's such a weird thing to be like at your desk and then be like, all right, time to go upstairs and get naked and then just go right back to work. I wrote about this. Yeah. But the funniest thing was that they had, I was like, first of all, who's signing up for this? A lot of people. Yeah. Yeah.

But then they had three therapists. Massage therapists? Yeah. You could see their booking availability. Yeah. So two of them had like 25 slots available and one of them had two slots available and the two people that had 25 slots available no we're like i'm not i'm not being weird here laquinta and laquarius okay and then the person who had two slots available,

Hans. And I thought, hmm. I wonder what happened here. Yeah. Did people know Hans' work? Or they just trust that he's a good German masseuse. It's just like a genetic thing. I don't have their names exactly right.

I don't think it was LaQuinta and LaQuarius, but it wasn't far from that. That's one that you should change your name for. Actually, let's just say this. I'm changing their names out of respect for their anonymity. That works. That's one you should change your name for

to something that leans a little bit more... for their anonymity. That works. That's one you should change your name for. To something that leans a little bit more east. What ethnicity? Hans. East. That leans a little bit more east to the states. Hans isn't east.

I know. Hans is west. Oh yeah, I guess west. Oh, it could be east. I think he's talking really east. Yeah. Everything. Yeah, it's a globe.

You keep going. Way out there. A full... Oh, I missed a full spin. Yeah. I mean, almost a full spin. Are you thinking they should try and sound Asian? Exactly.

We got to start making exactly shirts. Hunza. Hello, my name is Hunza. Like Janal. Janoyn. Something like that. I'm just trying to think of Asian names.

Janoyn was what you came up with? Bro, do you know what Asia is? Well, I don't want to be coming up with offensive Asian names. I don't want to go too Asian. Like Suzuki? If I was going to name a black name, Laquarius would not even be

my top five. I'd probably start with something like Mark. Like the apostle? No, you're right, actually. Or maybe Daniel. You want to keep going? How long is the apostle? No, you're right, actually. Or maybe Daniel. You want to keep going? I mean, how long is the list? Basically, you're not even going to get to a point.

Liquarius probably wouldn't even be in my top 30. Of what? Black names. But he's talking about a name that shows up on the screen and people are avoiding it because it sounds black. That was the point. Yes. And by the way, that's not on me.

That's on them because I didn't do it. You came up with the name. No, in fact, if I were to have gotten a massage, I would have chosen Mark. La Quinta because it reminds you of your favorite hotel chain. Because I don't see that person's color because I'm on my stomach. You recognize their struggle. You recognize their color and what they've been through. But if you showed up and Mark happens to be a black man, would you be surprised?

I would be relieved. Relieved. Thank God. Because I think they tend to have stronger hands. Yes. Okay. relieved relieved you know thank god because i think they tend to have stronger hands yes okay what if you showed up in then a guy from denmark hans i think he was danish since one of the danes ever hans was danish he was scandinavian what did you think he was this whole time you thought he was asian no hans is... What the fuck, dude? What is your

understanding of Asian culture? Hans? Yeah, I thought I was thinking of Hans Kim. Fair. But Hans is like Hans and Franz. That's like a traditional German name. German, Dutch. So why are people going with the Dutch name?

No, he was Scandinavian. Why are people going with the Scandinavian guy? Because he was Scandinavian. Why are people going with the Scandinavian guy? Because he was the only white guy, and then there were two black people, and everyone fucking opted for that person. So it was a racist thing. That's the whole point of this story. Yeah. See, you lost me because I thought that Hans was Asian. So I thought you were like, people were going to Hans because he was Asian, and he's better at giving massages.

No, but that's funny. Not because they didn't want to have the black people. Well, there's Swedish massage. Swedish is a type of massage. That's a good point, but they weren't offering that. They only had sports therapy or deep tissue or something like that. A lot of people in this office need the sports therapy massage.

Again, quite literally, the jokes that I wrote in the blog. I didn't read the blog. I know. I know that. I read I didn't read the blog. I know. I know that. I read your Nicky Smokes blog yesterday, though. That was hilarious. Thank you.

I did glance that one. Yeah, that was just me not having much to write about. Beating a horse that I've beaten before. I'm not talking about Nicky. I'm talking about getting mad that people repurpose brilliant work. Yes. Rone's song for a 72 word blog my psalm yeah roan's piece like if i went out and did something sick in terms of content imagine how like imagine you do your your draft video and then some they did blogger in chicago is like little sass just made the funniest video yeah i think that did happen who wrote it i have no i don't remember but i feel like that definitely

was blogged maybe nate or maybe nate blogged it for me yeah that's fine i don't mind that i don't mind that the point they make is that that there are people who read the blog who don't know, who miss the stuff that's posted on social. Because their only conduit to Barstool is the blog. Yeah. Yeah, I just enjoy your takedown. Anytime that you're getting into the mud and kind of flaming somebody up, it makes me happy. Sad to me that I did that when i was at the office if i write that when i'm at home it's 10 times better yeah save it next time needs to happen quickly

wow yeah i guess it's true it's timely timely same with the diss track bro i had to get that shit out immediately yeah you dropped that shit late at night that shit was late you wait up for were you waiting for it to get back from the stew i did it in here did in the office you posted at two in the morning i write it here though i wrote it here i recorded it here um but i know jetski was uh he recorded it and he was editing videos for uh rico bosco so he had to finish his his other duties before he could get into that kind of shit. Damn. Yeah, Jetski's a beast.

He's a very nice engineer. Did you want to drop it that late so then people would wake up with a little treat? I was debating if I should wait until the morning to put it out, but I feel like just putting it out at night was... Yeah. Sass, have you heard the name Wayne Jetski?

What part of Asia would you assume that's from? Sounds Japanese for real Gotham? Hwain? Hwain? I don't know Hwain sounds like

a Chinese first name and a Japanese last name Hwain Jetski being a Chinese Japanese guy name. Wayne Jetiski being a Chinese-Japanese guy. Wayne Jetiski. Wayne Jetiski. Rowan, you listen to Euphoria? Of course.

Oh, I listen to it. Thoughts, questions, concerns? Question. What did he mean when he said YNB Melly? I didn't get that either i'm just kidding i just want to hear you i read it but i don't understand didn't he mean like because he's because y and b melly killed his best friend right yeah and he said he was going to kill him with kindness eight bars earlier is that what he meant i think he's gonna say

he's gonna kill drake you asked if i had any questions Yeah but is that what he meant? Are you sure you're answering my question with a question? Yes That's not how this works Okay but is that what he meant? Is YMB Melly the guy that killed his best friend? Stop asking me questions bro I'm asking you questions

Well now I'm out of answers I think Kendrick Lamar is great Yeah? I think he's a better rapper than Drake Well I think that's a given I don Drake. Well, I think that's a given. I don't. You think Drake's still ahead? Yeah.

Classic white man. Classic cis white male. Still thinking that Drake's on top. Well, the bi boys disagree with me, so I guess you guys have a leg up. No, I would say Drake's still up. Classic white man. But also because it did feel like Kendrick was just repeating push a tease versus. Yeah.

I think you got a little bit too much credit for, I mean, it was incredible, but if we have to pick sides, um, I think you got a little bit too much credit for being like, I hate the way that you dress. I hate the way that you look.

Well, wasn't that just referencing a breakfast club interview with DMX? You tell me, I don't know. It seems like you did the fucking genius deep dive on it. When he referenced YNB Melly. Well, because that's what DMX said on The Breakfast Club. He said, why do you not like Drake?

And he said, I hate the way he dresses. I hate the way he talks. All that stuff. However you want to spin it. I didn't love that part. I'm not spinning it anyway. I'm asking you don't know stop asking me questions i thought you would know all the questions bro this shit is all a joke to me stop stealing my stuff how does this end i'm just worried that he won't listen what do you mean how does it end he's taking all of my things that's not what i'm

talking about my fault i'm not talking about that I'm talking about how does the beef in the rap world end? Murder. No. It used to. Yeah. Back when men were men. I think they both, they tie the bandanas and hold them up like bloods and crips. It's the only way.

They go on stage and they hug each other. That is a good way. I don't think that there's uh i mean no one there's no they're just competing over who they think is better they'd have to perform poetic justice together somewhere kendrick pulled a few punches he said he was going to say something about drake's fooling around with underage girls or something like that right i think that was like a subtle reference in the beginning when he said uh i make music that blah blah and then he said you make

music that pacified pacifies them i thought he said something about how he was not gonna go so far as to do that but kind of referenced it at the same time he did say he said at one point, he said, uh, don't, don't tell lies about me and I won't tell truths about you. Uh huh. Cryptic. Very, very intellectual. To be a fly on the wall. I'd fucking kill to be a fly on that fucking wall.

While they're fucking underage kids. Oh yeah. Incredible. You don't know about the white, white, you don't know about any of those things I asked you about dude I was asking you about that I know but now I'm asking you

no don't turn it on it's head I'm not turning it on it's head you know more about this than us how do I know more because you are in the scene I'm a Taylor Swiftie I don't know what the fuck you're talking about maybe I could ask Laquarius later.

Hey, Laquarius. Or Hans. Or your face down in your massage. Sorry. Hey, Laquarius. Just before we get started, Team Kendrick or Team Drake? What are we thinking?

I don't know. It'll tell me what kind of massage. If you're really going to go deep tissue or if you're just going to be on the surface. Oh, man. Yeah. What time are we at? 55?

Perfect. Should we stop it and start a new one? Are we doing another one? I could. It's up to you guys. I could do another one. Let's just rip another one. Might as well.

All right. We good with 55? That's enough. 55 is great. 55 is a gift. Nice. it's up to you guys I could do another one let's just rip another one might as well alright we good with 55? that's enough 55 is great 55 is a gift nice alright let me grab a bottle of water

but I'll be one second could you grab me one too? alright yes Love was over Still, still underground So I looked over to you I was only falling one way. I was only falling one way. I was only fooling one way Days were drifting

Fool, fool was I So, so then you listen Now I come alive I was only falling my way I was only falling my way I was only falling my way I was only falling one way I was only falling one way Furnished to your eyes

Did you realize No one could take me alive I was only falling one way