Song Exploder - Kesha - Eat The Acid

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

Kesha is a singer and songwriter from Los Angeles. She put out her first song in 2009, and it was a huge #1 hit in the US and 13 other countries. She’s had 10 top-ten singles on the Billboard charts, and sold millions of albums.  She got famous for songs that were about partying, and breaking the rules, and having fun. But this year, in May 2023, she put out the album Gag Order, which is a lot more raw and vulnerable. She made it with superstar producer Rick Rubin. And for this episode, I talked to Kesha about her song “Eat the Acid," which she wrote early on in the pandemic. I was really interested in the intense, distorted vocal sound that I’d heard in the track; and, as you’ll hear, it turns out most of that was a byproduct of the way she had to write and record when we were all in lockdown. For more, visit songexploder.net/kesha.

You're listening to Song Exploder, where musicians take apart their songs, and piece by piece tell the story of how they were made. I'm Rishi Keshirwe. This episode contains explicit language. Kesha is a singer and songwriter from Los Angeles. She put out her first song in 2009. It was a huge number one hit in the U.S. and 13 other countries. She's had 10 top 10 singles on the Billboard charts and sold millions of albums. She got famous for songs that were about partying and breaking the rules and having fun. But this year, in May 2023, she put out the album, Gag Order, which was a lot more raw and vulnerable. She made it with superstar producer Rick Rubin.

And for this episode, I talked to Kesha about her song, Eat the Acid, which she wrote early on in the pandemic. I was really interested in the intense, distorted vocal sound that I heard in the track. And as you'll hear, it turns out most of that was a byproduct of the way she had to write and record when we were all in lockdown. My name is My name is My name is Kesha Keshah told me that from 2008 to 2020 she spent her life as a pop star

in kind of a bubble I was living life moment to moment for 12 years I didn't really have that much time to pay attention too much else aside from what was directly in front of me for the next 10 minutes, hour, whatever it was. It was just, okay, we're on the bus, okay, we're on the plane, okay, we're on stage. It was like constant escapism in my music because I feel like most of my music is centered around going out, celebrating, partying. I think I distracted myself. But there was always a piece of me that, like, I wanted to really feel held and I really wanted to have

faith and trust in something bigger than myself. And this is in a non-religious way. So lockdown was the first time I hadn't been touring and working for a really long time. And during June, July, August, 2020, I really just started diving into all this contemplation and reading. And without all that distraction, it actually gave me time and space to pay attention more to injustice and social inequality. It felt like a cruel awakening. And there is a part of me that's like, wow, just burying your head in the sand and like not even being aware of this stuff was a lot easier because it came with a lot

of anxiety because I'm not sure how to go about fixing or helping it. And that loss of control feeling, it just felt so big. And there was one night of many that I just could not sleep. And I was up just going over and over these existential questions in my mind. And then I had this beautiful moment where I felt like something or someone or I don't know what it was gave me like this intervention of, yo, stop worrying. Stop freaking out. Like you're just endlessly freaking out and like, chill. I got you.

It was a really beautiful experience, but it was also terrifying because it felt like a psychedelic trip. It felt like I was on drugs. It absolutely felt like I was on drugs. And then I woke up and I remember calling my two collaborators, Stuart Crichton and my mom, P.B. Seabert. And I was like, at the expense of maybe sounding totally insane, I think I talked to God last night. And I need to write a song about this experience. I was saying I feel like

this like enlightenment, I'm terrified I'm excited, I feel held by the universe and then Stewart started playing this guitar sounding thing he wasn't playing like a guitar it's a keyboard that sounds just like

an acoustic guitar but it felt old school it felt cool it felt organic I met Stuart during the making of my album Rainbow, and he's just like the best. He's like family at this point. So it started with those chords, and it was over Zoom, because it was in the time of writing

songs over Zoom, which was a nightmare. So I could hear the guitar part, and then I would sing into my phone. On the voice memos, I just like, sing kind of gibberish, And I just kind of let it be gibberish until it starts to come together. I like to start with melodies because I feel like once you have a melody, then you can really tell the story. And then the words have to complement the melody and then the chorus and title have to give you the anchor and the soul of what the song is. You said, eat the ass because, wait, sing it one more time.

You said, don't ever eat the assicas because you don't want to be changed like it changed me. You said. My mom is a songwriter and has been since, like, she's been doing it her whole life. And then she wrote a song for Dolly Parton that ended up just being like a surprise, big hit song. The song's called Old Flames Can't Hold a Candle to You. So then she moved to Nashville and started writing country music. music. She always kind of told me when I would come home from school, like, crying because I was like, I'm just so different than the other girls at the school. She would always just say, like,

go write a song about it. You said, I don't want to be changed like it changed me. You said, don't want to eat us because you don't want to be changed like it changed me. You said don't want to eat the a circus. You don't want to be changed like it changed me. My mom was, like, in L.A. in the 80s, playing shows and being like a wild woman. So she told me when I was younger, like, don't ever eat acid. Because you would see things and you could not unsee them. There was this tone in her voice that I was like, oh, she's not fucking around.

So when she told me not to take the acid, I felt like a warning. And so I believed her. I've still never taken it. You said don't never eat the acid Because you don't want to be changed like it changed me You said the edges got so jagged And everything you saw still can be unseen Last night

I saw it all I just feel like she knows me so well That you can't bullshit your mom You know, like You can try to be a cool guy Like in front of new people And you can be this like mysterious babe But like with your mom, there's none of that, which I kind of think that produces some of my best songs.

Love that. Do it again, do it again. So that's Stewart. And he's singing over what became the verse. For me, the most important part of this whole process, is doing this with someone that you can just like say the dumbest shit, but you're surrounded by people that love you and aren't judgmental. When you write like fun, sillier songs, I'm like, oh, I can put that hat on so quick. But these emotional ones, I feel very vulnerable.

And so I have to do this process with someone I feel comfy and safe with. And then I'm one day out of time Terrified when I close my eyes And then I started working with Rick Rubin And he is also fascinated With the spiritual, supernatural, all that stuff

And we decided to do this album together Rick said this and it stuck with me A song is a prayer And so I played him this song. And then between the two of us, we're like kind of trying to find the right clothes to put on the song.

The only way you know what fits and looks good is if you try it and then you listen back. So we recorded in Hawaii and then in Malibu. Just trying on different synth sounds, different drum sounds. putting in a guitar, taking out the guitar, letting it breathe more. Throughout that process, you kind of start to hear what works and start to hear what doesn't work. And the more of an emotional response I would get, that felt like those were the right

clothes. I wanted this song to sound terrifying, because let me tell you, when you start having like a voice talked to you in the middle of the night in the middle of an anxiety attack, that's terrifying. Spirituality can feel scary and dark and weird and intense. Vindarge and gods I didn't want. I gotten used to being lost. The final vocals are from the voice memos.

It's me singing into my phone where you can hear the guitar coming from my laptop because that day, my headphones wouldn't work. It was like the jankiest operation in the world. But Rick and I tried to recreate that vocal on so many different microphones here and in Hawaii, like all over the place with the most magical, fanciest microphones in the world.

And we just decided like none of it had the magic of the moment. You said don't never eat the acid if you don't want to be changed like it changed me. It was really important to me. It was really important to me to have a moment where it opens up.

I search for answers on my life. There's a line that I really wanted to emphasize that was, I am the one that I've been fighting the whole time. Hate has no place in the divine. I grew up, I went to Catholic school, and I grew up kind of being like, I don't know if I'm gay. I don't know if I'm straight. I don't know.

Like, it was always very ambiguous. but the LGBTQ plus queer community has been my home. So I feel very protective over the community as well. That was part of my searching when I was younger is having a hard time going to different churches that would make comments about how homosexuality was evil. And so hate has no place in the divine, that line ties in with the endless searching

because I wanted to find the spirituality and the answer that felt just totally full of love. If I'm truly a divine creature, I can't hate myself. Towards the end of the song, I wanted it to change into hope, focusing on the future. I just really wanted it to sound like almost a nod to my old self with like the fore on the floor, pulsating drumbeat, like turning up the... volume of life. I wanted to just sound like it's getting even more intense at the end. Like I just wanted this huge crescendo.

The irony of it being called Ethi Acid is I've never taken acid for the very reason of like, I love the ignorant, blissful, unaware kind of stupidity. I love it. I miss it. But when you start to see. things, you can't unsee them. You can't unknow these things. So in a way, it's really beautiful to have all this knowledge, but there is a part of me that is like, oh my God, I wish I was just like so blissfully unaware still. Because I was like, I feel so crazy and I was like kind of worried

about it. But I have to write a song about this. And I remember this was cool. My mom saying, you've never sounded more sane. When I hear that beginning droning synth sound, It reminds me like, you have this connection that is there. Even if you're not talking to God every single day and every single night and you're having good days and bad days, like, that happened and that is there for you. And you are being held by the universe. And it is scary. I just think life is magical and beautiful and exciting and exhilarating and boring and all the things.

But it's terrifying. And so it's nice to hear that synth sound because it takes me back. to that moment in time. Takes me right back to laying on the bed, feeling so excited because I felt like I just had this spiritual awakening and I hope it is conveyed through the music because I wanted it to feel like spiritual, dark, and then eventually by the end of the song, hopeful. Coming up, you'll hear how all these ideas and elements came together in the full song. I have a new album of my own coming out on April 24th.

It's been about 15 years since I last put out a full length, and this is the first one that'll be out under my own name, Rishi Kesh Her Way. I started making Song Exploder when I was feeling lost in my own music career. And then for over a decade, I've gotten to have these incredible conversations about the process of making music talking to other artists, and it made me completely rethink my relationship to music and my way of writing songs. and this album is the product of all of that. It features contributions from some of my favorite artists,

including some folks that you may have heard on this podcast, like Iron and Wine, Kevin Morby, Vagabon, Fenlily, and the producer Phil Wine Rope. I'm going to be on tour playing in cities across the U.S. starting in April, and I'm trying to bring the spirit of the podcast with me. So every show that I'm playing will begin with a conversation about the album with a different amazing guest moderator in each city, like Adam Scott, Samin Nasrat, Jason Manzukas, Josh Malina, Minjin Lee, Ken Jennings, John Roderick, Austin Cleon, and more.

They're all going to be my conversation partners on stage, and then I'll play with my band. The album is called In The Last Hour of Light, and the first couple songs are out now. You can listen to the music and get tickets for the shows on my website, rishikash.co, or just go to songexploder.net slash live. That's songexploder.net slash live. Thanks. And now here's Eat the Acid by Kesha in its entirety. The Voice.

Search for answers on my life. In the dark I saw life. All time. Hate has no place in the divine. In the divine. The verse is magic. Just open up your eyes. The signs are waiting.

You said, don't never eat the life. Last night I said, last night I've talked to love. Visit SongExploder.net slash Kesha to learn more. You'll find links to buy or stream Eat the Acid, and you can watch the music video. If you like this episode, you might like the Imagine Dragons episode from 2021. It's also about a deeply personal song,

and it was also produced by Rick Rubin. You'll find that and all the other episodes of the podcast at SongExploder.net or wherever you listen. This episode was made by me, Craig Ely, Theo Balkam, Kathleen Smith, and Mary Dolan. The episode artwork is by Carlos Lerma, and I made the show's theme music and logo. Song Exploder is a proud member of Radiotopia from PRX, a network of independent, listener-supported, artist-owned podcasts. You can learn more about our shows at Radiotopia.fm. You can follow me on social media at Rishi Hereway, and you can follow the show at Song Exploder.

If you want to support the podcast in another way, you can also get a Song Exploder t-shirt at songexploder.net slash shirt. I'm Rishi Kesh Hereway. Thanks for listening.