Soul Boom - Bobbi Althoff: Breaking Generational Cycles, Motherhood and Finding Purpose

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

TRIGGER WARNING: This episode will discuss the topic of suicide. Conversations about suicide can be troubling or overwhelming for some to listen to. If you, or someone you know, is thinking about suicide, please call or text 988 to connect with the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Trained professionals are available 24/7 to provide support and guidance to help you. You can also call your local County Crisis Line number, or call 911. In this deeply personal episode, Bobbi Althoff, the viral podcast host and social media star, shares her remarkable journey through mental health struggles, faith, and motherhood. Bobbi shares how she survived a turbulent childhood, overcame suicidal thoughts, and found purpose through parenting and creativity. The conversation dives into the transformative power of humor, navigating the pressures of social media, and embracing imperfections to build a fulfilling life. A raw, insightful look at how vulnerability can lead to true strength. Bobbi Althoff is a celebrated podcast host and social media personality known for her offbeat humor and candid conversations. Her podcast and viral content resonate with millions, blending awkwardness, sharp wit, and relatability. Thank you to our sponsors! Masterclass (up to 50% OFF!): https://MasterClass.com/SoulBoom Aura (promo code: SOULBOOM): https://auraframes.com Airbnb: http://airbnb.com/host Fetzer Institute: https://fetzer.org/ MERCH OUT NOW! https://soulboomstore.myshopify.com/ God-Shaped Hole Mug: https://bit.ly/GodShapedHoleMug Sign up for our newsletter! https://soulboom.substack.com SUBSCRIBE to Soul Boom!! https://bit.ly/Subscribe2SoulBoom Watch our Clips: https://bit.ly/SoulBoomCLIPS Watch WISDOM DUMP: https://bit.ly/WISDOMDUMP Follow us! Instagram: http://instagram.com/soulboom TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@soulboom Sponsor Soul Boom: [e-mail] Work with Soul Boom: [e-mail] Send Fan Creations, Questions, Comments: [e-mail] Produced by: Kartik Chainani Executive Produced by: Ford Bowers, Samah Tokmachi Companion Arts Production Supervisor: Mike O'Brien Voicing Change Media Theme Music by: Marcos Moscat Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey folks, the following Soul Boom episode will discuss the topic of suicide. Conversations about suicide can be really troubling or overwhelming for someone to listen to. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please call or text 988 to connect with the suicide and crisis lifeline. Trained professionals are available 24-7 to provide support and guidance to help you. You can also call your local county crisis line number or call 911. You are not alone. You're listening to soul. I did really believe in God, but that was a very scary thought when I was going to

myself because I was like, you're going to hell. And that sucks. And I was so scared. So I held off for a while because I thought that I was going to go to hell. But then I came to terms with it. I guess I'm just burning in hell forever. And then I laid in that bed and I read my Bible. And I was like, please, God, I know I've just sinned.

But please, I am begging you. That was not fair of you to put me in this world. Take me out. Just take me back. I was so mad. I was like, God, please. I thought maybe I could convince him out of sending me to hell if I just told him. Because I feel like when I'm getting depressed, I'm not seeing any positive further.

I'm just looking right here right now. I'm sad and everything sucks right here right now. That's the extent of my prayers. God, please take these thoughts out of my head and you're real, so nothing matters. That's a real prayer. That's exactly how it works. So every time I stop praying as much, I have to go back. to it because I don't longer feel at peace.

Hey there, it's me, Rain Wilson, and I want to dig into the human experience. I want to have conversations about a spiritual revolution. Let's get deep with our favorite thinkers, friends, and entertainers about life, meaning, and idiocy. Welcome to the Soul Boom podcast. Are you comfortable enough? Are you okay? I feel like you think I'm not based on how you just analyzed my whole outfit and then said

that. You seem a little tense. What do you want me to do? Let's do a little breathing exercise. Okay. Let's do it. Let's do a deep breath and then we'll put our hands up in the air. Deep breath all the way up and then out.

I can't even tell if you're breathing. Are you holding your breath the whole time? I breathe. I breathe. Are you an android? An android? Mm-hmm. Do you know what an android is?

I thought from Star Wars or something. It's like a robot. Yeah, that's so rude. You could play a robot. A robot really effectively. I feel like they would get robots. You know like the movie Megan? No.

You never saw Megan? No. The killer doll? No. You could play like the adult version of the killer doll. Okay. I think that would be good. I'm going to take offense to that.

Don't take offense to anything. Listen, I was so excited that you agreed to be on Soul Boom. I love it here. I love having you here. I'm feeling very vulnerable today, Rain. Really? Maybe. We'll see.

Well, I, listen, here at Soul Boom, we're all about having conversations about making the world a better place, changing ourselves. Yeah. The soul, faith, mental health journeys, I think that young folks, especially your fans, my son, and legions and legions of Gen Z. Bobby Altof, you know, lunatics, we'll get a lot. lot out of kind of getting to know the real you and getting to getting to know a different side of you because they know the off-putting awkward humor Bobby and they don't know the one that was humiliated to have lunch at their high school because of of the fear of kind of being left out socially and here you are like this gigantic star for you're you're kind of one of those people like no one over 40 knows who the hell you are and everyone under 40 knows exactly who

you are. So it's a really interesting world that you, that you are in. But let's go a little bit deeper there. So besides the awkwardness, I know you spoke to N-L-E Chapa, a rapper and YouTuber, seems like a nice fellow. And you admitted to him that you had tried to commit suicide when you were 14. So some of this awkwardness, mental health, not feel. fitting in overwhelm and school and pressure obviously kind of came out in some negative ways. Yeah, I think that up until the past year of my life when I really started the podcast, well, when I started TikTok, I hated who I was as a person because I felt so uncomfortable. And I think that's really what has helped in a way with my mental health is leaning into that instead

of embracing it more. and that's kind of what I do now is embrace the parts I hate about myself. But growing up, I didn't, I did not embrace it at all. I hated that I felt uncomfortable in every room I was in. I hated that I felt like I just didn't fit in. And I think as early as, I think it was freshman year that I started being like, get me out of here. I'm done. Check me out.

This world is too hard. I'm never going to fit in. I'm never going to be, I don't know. I really believed that I would. never find my place in this world and that I would always be an outcast and that everybody would always be friends with everyone but I was always going to be the person who's just left out and that paired with the fact that my family life was horrible my parents were very toxic together but they lived in the same house until I was 14 they just lived on opposite sides of the same house

oh wow that's tough yeah they love to fight and when did they get a divorce around that same time. They got a divorce when I was in fifth grade, but they stayed in the same house for like six years. Oh gosh. And just would fight horribly my dad. And now I'm good with my parents, but that took a long time because they were, and my mom would admit now that she's changed a lot from my childhood. Yeah. They were very abusive, not so much. And I mean, my dad was a little bit physically. But it was a lot of mental abuse happening in that house. My mom would raging. Raging? Yeah, my mom, when she would get mad, she would threaten to kill herself a lot. And that was something I would see a lot. She would lock herself in the room, be like, I can't do

this anymore. I'm just going to kill myself. And I, I don't know what that did to my head, but, A, it probably put the idea there. You can just do that. That's crazy. And my dad was very, he would just say his temper was really bad. You would just say the meanest things you can imagine saying to your kids all the time. And they fought just so much. It was every day. And I remember the day that I was like, I'm checking out. They were fighting. My dad was yelling at me about something. So my dad gets so mad at me as a child. He'd just call me a lot of profanities and like you're just lazy. Like he was just not nice. And I remember he, I forget what, exactly happened because it was so long ago, but they were fighting. And I just felt like I did not

fit in at school. I felt like people weren't very nice. I'm feeling so, I don't feel like I fit into any space that I'm in ever. I just feel like I don't fit in literally anywhere. And I got a piece of paper and keep in mind that we were very Christian. Okay. So my dad who didn't really lead a Christian life was a very Christian man and he now how did that manifest was that like church every Sunday or you just kind of considered yourself Christian yeah we considered ourselves Christian we used to go to church every Sunday and for a time I was going to church a lot too but uh yeah so I did really believe in God but that was a very scary thought when I was going to kill myself because I was like you're going to hell and that sucks and I was so scared so I held off for a while because I thought

that I was going to go to hell. But then I remember that day being like I came to terms with it. I guess I'm just burning in hell forever. So I wrote a letter to everyone at school and to my parents. And then I just got a Costco thing of Tylenol and just took them all. And then I laid in that bed and I read my Bible. And I was like, please, God, I know I've just sinned. But please, I am begging you.

That was not fair of you to put me in this world. Take me out. Just take me back. I was so mad. I was like, God, please. Like, I thought maybe I could convince him out of sending me to hell if I just told him, I think you. And then I remember struggling because I was like. That's heartbreaking, Bobby.

It's just breaking my heart hearing this. I feel so sad for that girl. She was very sad. Yeah. My mom came in hours later, and I was just passed out on the bed very pale and just how she just describes. I was just, just was there. She was like, what did you do? She saw the note.

She saw the empty bottle and she was like, what did you do? And then she drags me to the bathroom, tries to make me throw up. It's like, that's not going to help at that point. So then they dragged me to the hospital. And I remember there my dad was just, that was the only time that I've ever seen him. Like, he was calm. He was, let me get my daughter to the hospital. And I remember just crying in the back state saying, I'm so sorry because I thought they were going to be so mad at me.

I was like, I'm so sorry. Like, what did I? I was, I fucked up because now they're going to be pissed off at me for this. And I remember getting in there. And then the surgeon or the doctor was like, how you tried to kill yourself was so stupid. That's just a way to get yourself quadriplegic. It's not going to actually kill yourself. Like, and I was like, he's like, do you feel bad for doing that?

I was like, I feel bad. It didn't work. I'm not like, you're so mean. He made me. I was sitting there like, damn, you idiot. Why didn't I do something else? because I'm fucking stuck now. And I have all these people around me making sure I don't kill myself.

Like they're all. And then my mom was like, they're going to take you to CPS if you don't lie to them and tell them that if you, if you tell them it was because of your home life, they're going to take you away. So I was like, I'm okay. I'm fine. And they made my parents switch. My mom had to move out. So that's when my mom finally moved out of my dad's house. And that was connected to the suicide attack.

I believe CPS or something. I remember having meetings with them. And I believe that was like the understanding. I had so as soon as I got, and my liver was pretty fucked up for a minute there, but they didn't thankfully need to do anything. I was in ICU for a week. And then that was it.

I got to go home. But I had to go to my brother's house because they would not let me go back into the same home that caused me to do that. So then I got, and I remember just obviously that's not something you go to school and tell people. So I was like, yeah, I was just away.

for a minute. I was just on vacation. And then I was like, okay, you can't do this again. What did you write in your note? I wanted them to feel bad. So it was a note that I wanted them. I remember thinking, I want them to spend the rest of their lives feeling bad for how everybody treated me. So I was like, to everyone at school for not making me feel like I fit in. This is at you. I put all these names in there, which is crazy. I'm like, that would have really fucked with everybody's heads. And I didn't even think about that. I remember the only The only person I was nice to in my nose was my little sister. And I was like, Lexi, I'm so sorry that I have to leave you.

That's really dark. And it didn't go. So it stayed with you for a long time. It's still there. That side of me. That is like, but I have kids now. And I think that's the one thing that's like locked me in for life was having kids. That was when I finally was like.

Did you get any therapy for this stuff? I started getting therapy after my divorce. So it was pretty late. But so you didn't during your teen years. No. So even after that, your parents didn't put you in a therapy. I definitely should have. Well, I think that we could have got it for free.

Or at least school counseling or something. I had, I just winged it for a long time. My mental health was so bad. And it's gotten better. Like I said, having kids changes everything because I won the only thing. I think it's funny online. People really love to say that I'm where are her kids. And what is she left to?

she left her family and her kids for fame. And it's like that could not be further from the truth. No. That my kids are literally, they spend 99% of my life with them. But the one person I post online, that's what they judge me by. Yeah. But my kids are definitely the reason why I've, when I have those thoughts, I'm like, well, you can't do that to them.

So you're just going to have to. I remember when you showed up to do the interview with me and then I asked you about your daughters. And you have this persona down pretty good. But then I ask you about your kids and your whole face changed. Your whole persona changed. And you can tell, like, how central they are. They are.

Yeah, they're my whole, everything I do for lamas. I mean, the reason I still even work as hard as I do with what I do is now I'm a single mom. So, you know, I have to provide for them. Their dad obviously will have his own life. But forever, I have certain things. I really wanted them to go to private school. So that's that's like a $1.2 million commitment over there. Over there's whole entire life of school.

Well, not even college. That does not include college. Sure. And I have to keep working for them because I know that there's things that I want them to have that I didn't have. Yeah. And I'm determined to get that all for them. Listen, it's really tricky on a podcast or a show to be talking about suicide. And we'll, you know, I'll put in a, you know,

disclaimer at the beginning of this. It's scary for you to be even talking about how you've tried it. And how do we address this with the audience that's watching, especially Bobby fans, you know, in their teens and in their 20s? Like, how did you get out of it? What allowed you to get through it? And what kind of hope would you provide to someone that's wrestling with some really dark thoughts or depression?

especially in their teen years and 20s. I will say that when I was married, I finally was like, okay, I'm happy. I lived through everything because everything had a happy ending. And it took me a while after my divorce to get back to that place again where I was happy being alive. And I think that I would, I often look back and I'm just like, it's crazy.

It's not so bad. we're all going to die anyway, so I might as well try really hard during this life to give it everything I can and just make a positive impact. and just, I think really seeing to how many people in my life needed me. But even when I was 14, right, it was so selfish just to my sister even. Because I look at my ages 14 through 18 and I'm like, had I been gone, I don't even know what my sister's life would have been like if she was my, we're best friends. Like we spent every second together and I just didn't even think about all of those things at the time how much people needed me. even my parents, even though I felt like they truly could have lived without me and not cared. There was just so many people who did need me.

And to this day, it's like people around you need you. Yeah. So it's just putting away these temporary thoughts and seeing a bigger picture for me, what I do now to help myself feel better is I just write down a list of my goals. And I'm like, well, now I just need to achieve all of these things. And that's really helped me just see further because I feel like when I'm getting depressed, I'm not seeing any positive further. I'm just looking right here right now. I'm sad and everything sucks right here right now.

And it's never going to get better. You've just listed two kind of like really practical mental health tools. One is to really be thinking about the people that you're connected to and that need you and love you. and which gets you out of you're right because when you're in that kind of depression it's just like just a little bubble of hopelessness that's just right here and now and you don't care about anybody and you don't care about anyone and you're not able to kind of think outside of that so thinking about that is certainly important and you listed your sister and then when you were married your husband and then you know you're now your daughters and even your parents and stuff like that

So there's that, the network of people that you're connected to. And then you talked about writing, which is super important, kind of journaling. And you're talking about like writing down life goals and what you want to achieve, things that give you hope. Yeah, but not even just my one year plan. Because it helps me to see things that I have to look forward to, right? So I remember when in 20, I think it was 20. 22, I wrote down my

23 goals because I was feeling depressed again. I had just had a baby. I was like, oh my God. I'm overwhelmed. This baby won't let me sleep ever. I'm so tired and just everything. It was dark again. I had really bad postpartum depression both times with both of my kids.

Oh gosh. It's so bad where I was just so I thought I got out of my depressive. Are you on any meds for your depression stuff? Not anymore. I actually just stopped three months ago. I was like, I think I'm good. And I also stopped drinking and that really helped me. Interesting. That helped me a lot.

I noticed that drinking. Was it alcohol exacerbating the depressive? So bad, yeah. It's so bad. No matter what I would be like, well, this keeps me lively and it keeps me on, yeah, I don't go out anymore. But I also don't want to kill myself. So that's just what I had to sacrifice this alcohol. I stopped drinking a few.

I don't have like a tiny sip, but I don't get drunk. I know that alcohol puts me in such a depressive state. And then I spend the next day with horrible depression. Like my hangover depression is so bad that I can't even experience that anymore. That's so amazing that you discovered this, you know, at such a young age, you know, that's great. Sometimes people don't figure that out. Yeah. And it becomes, well, what I noticed it getting bad was when I would,

travel for work, right? Because I don't drink, obviously, at home. I'm not a person who has wine or anything. I don't drink at home. I only drink when I'm out. And I would notice, say, I'm going to travel for four days or three days. I would notice on Friday night, I would get really drunk on Saturday morning. I would wake up so sad, so depressed that I would have to start drinking to help numb that thought. So I would just start drinking again on Saturday. And then now it's Sunday night and I'm depressed. So drink some more and feel better. And then it was like, well, how do I get out of this? because right now I'm so sad. And it was just so debilitating.

I would just sit there so sad. I'd come home to my kids and just be like, feel so empty inside. And then look at them and be like, why can't I enjoy this? Why can't I? And really my depression medicine helped me a lot. And it served its time in my life,

but it also did numb me a lot. And I felt like getting off of it and then cutting out of alcohol to you really changed things for me. that's the most positive my life. Those are other great positive mental health things that you're bringing to the table, kind of looking at like the chemicals, you know, and how they're working with you.

And I think it's great that you tried, you know, antidepressants and they worked for a while and you're able to transition off. You know, for me, it was when I had a short period of time when I was smoking pot a lot. And it was kind of similar. It was like I was really anxious. and I would smoke and it would take the edge off and I would feel like mellow.

Yeah. And then the anxiety would come back even more like that night or the next day. So I'd need even more. And again, it was a similar kind of vicious cycle. And then I realized like, wait, this is actually. The weeds actually making me kind of more crazy. Yeah. And I've got to figure out other ways to medicate.

And unfortunately, I turned to alcohol for too long to try and take that edge off as well. And, you know, it took me a while to kind of like figure out how to medicate myself without medicines. Yeah. I do smoke weed and I feel like that's helped me. Okay. I don't do it. I truly will take one ever since I did my interview with Liz Khalifa. He gave me some weed and that's really all I smoke.

But if I'm, I have bad anxiety. I love that you pinned it on Wiz Khalifa. He is amazing. I think that a lot of people who've been through this say it gets easier with time. I'm pretty new to my kids not always being in my house and sometimes being at their dad's house. So he has them three nights a week. I will sit there and just be so sad. And it's just like a sadness that's like, what can you do about it?

Are you in therapy? Yeah. I kind of stopped a month ago, but I keep meaning to text my therapy. So this is my new fear right now, that my kids are going to be at their dad's house when UFOs attack or Russia attacks us or China, Texas. I have this fear that they're going to be at their dad's house. And then how am I going to get to them? Because I'm like a city away from them. And I'm like, I sit there and I like play it out.

And I'm like, what do I do? How do I get there? Like, how do I freaking, how do I get to them? And that's like, I haven't figured out the answer to that yet. Yeah. And I think he would think I was insane. if I was like, we need to come up with the plan if I'm in a different place. I love that it's Russia, China, or UFOs.

Yeah. Those ones, those fucking drones everywhere scare me. The drones, yeah. Have you seen drone swarms? That's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't like that. It gives me such bad anxiety or robots, too, get me. I don't like anything like that.

And I spend so much time at night just laying down me and like shot up ahead. Just go to sleep. Bobby, I just want to assure you of one thing. What? It's a dangerous world out there, and a lot of bad things can happen and may happen. But alien invasion isn't really not one of them. I don't know. Because if there's aliens, they will love humans and want to support humans.

I'm much more of the Star Trek kind of school of thought. I'm trying to make myself believe that. I also have to keep going back to religion or else I have to believe in God or else I will believe I stress out about these things. So the way, the only way I can just keep my mind to get it to stop, I'll be like, yeah, nope, none of this is real. None of this is real. God will save me. I'm good. And I'm just like, have to just, I have to just. So how does that work for you? I don't know. I wouldn't. Do you, do you pray? That's the extent of my prayers. God, please take these thoughts out of my head and you're real, so nothing matters. That's a real prayer.

That's exactly how it works. I, I was, I've gotten back into religion, um, with my eyes. because he didn't really believe in anything. So I stopped being religious while we were married. And that wasn't like he forced me to. I just, it just did it. It wasn't a part of our lives. So after, obviously, divorce is a very sad thing. And I had to find something.

So I started going to church again. It's like, yeah. I've been, it's divorce is like. You bring your daughters to church? They have, he has them on Sundays. Oh, okay. I take them. I mean, I don't take them.

I just go, I feel like my parents indoctrinated me with religion. I don't really want to do that to them. I want it to be something that they, I kind of tell them. Yeah. If they ask what happens. I don't know where they're coming up with these. So how does that work for you? How does that, you go to church on Sundays when you don't have your daughters and then you also have this prayer, God, please take these crazy thoughts away from me, which I think is a totally legitimate.

prayer and the way I view, I view God as just love incarnate. It's like, it's light and energy and surrounds us. And there's nothing but, there's nothing but love and forgiveness and hope and infinite mercy everywhere. And we just turn, turn our hearts just even a little bit towards that light. And there'll be, there'll be answers. Yeah. Come. Do you feel that? It brings me peace to think about that. So every time I stop praying as much or feeling like that, I have to go back to it because I don't longer feel at peace. And I no longer feel good. Did you ever try 12 steps at all?

What's that? 12-step programs? Alphalic. Yeah, or anything. What else can you go for? I've never tried any. You can go for codependence. You can go for...

All the problems. Yeah. But you know the serenity prayer in the 12 steps? It's a great prayer you would like it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I like that. The courage to change the things I can. That's a good prayer.

And the wisdom to know the difference. I heard that. I like that prayer. I like. Super, super simple, appropriate for any situation. And you even don't even need a religion or a faith. Having, doing, just that line. Just accepting things you can't change.

is so huge for mental health. Yeah. And I, to this day, I think I've gotten better at it. And accepting that if aliens invade when your daughters are with your ex, that you're not going to be able to get over to the town is that, that may happen. And that there's an acceptance issue, as my therapist, Bruce would say, it's an acceptance issue. When you think about God or the divine or when you turn to that, does it, Is it, is it, is it, is it a God of light?

What, what is that, what does that feel like to you? How does that vibrate for you? Just something bigger than humans. Yeah. Something that's just, I don't imagine anything other than something bigger than me and something that can hear my thoughts and, and, um, make me feel better about things. I've, like I said, I've had anxiety my whole entire life. So as a kid, I would have bad anxiety that my parents were going to die.

Like, I would lay by them when they were sleeping and just cry. Because I thought, they're going to leave me one day. Now that's, and then you have kids and now that's taken over. And now all I think about is, you know, how they say having kids is, like, wearing your heart outside of your chest. And that's truly accurate. that's how it feels to have kids and let them into the world and just be like world be kind

so having faith in God helps me to let go of what I can't control which is all of that stuff especially having kids I have to believe in God or also I'm going to be we live in we live in America and I am terrified

of what happens at schools in America so bad that I did not want to send my kids to school. And when I'm taking tours of schools, I'm like, what do you do? What is, what do you do? What is your protocol here? Right. And that is the reason I have to just be like, okay, I have to believe in God because I need to or else I'm going to never sleep again and I'm never going to be at peace. Or I will sit here and just be stressing out all the time. The anxiety I feel on a day-to-day basis is ridiculous. It's just all day long. I overthink every aspect of every. everything. I completely relate. I completely relate. I mean, for me, my meditation practice

helps a lot. I can help you with some easy, get started, you know, meditation stuff. Because I, one of the things that meditation does is it just reveals to me on a daily basis, and I need to remember this every day, is like, I am not my thoughts. It's just that simple. I'm not my thoughts. My thoughts are like a popcorn popper, you know, they're like, In the Buddhists call it the monkey mind, you know, it's just like, what if that and that scenario, and I forgot to do that and oh no, and you idiot, you fuck that up and blah. You know, that's how my mind is wired and how it works every day. So when I'm in my body and in my breath and in the moment and there's nothing other than

the current breath that I'm experiencing, and there's a stillness descends, there's what they call in psychology metacognition where you kind of have this realization about yourself that's a little bit outside of yourself of like, oh, look, it's like you're sitting next to yourself. It's like, oh, there's me, Rain. Oh, and there's Rain's crazy thoughts. And there's Rain's crazy emotions. And there's Rain's crazy, big, ungainly body. But he's not, I'm not, he's not, those things in particular, rain is something more than thoughts and feelings and body. I don't know what it is, but I just, and then a piece descends. And when I come out, and it may not last all day, but when I come out of it, and it's not like I'm going into some deep hypnotic state or anything

like that, I'm just quieting my mind, basically. When I come out of it, it just helps me get through the next several hours or the next day of realizing like I am not my thoughts. And I can go back to that anytime I want. Anytime I want, I can just kind of, I can stop and take breaths and kind of be in that metacognition mode of embracing all these parts of myself. So to me, it's a incredibly valuable tool for anxiety. Yeah, I should definitely. do it. My therapist, Bruce, he talks about anxiety and he says, anxiety is just a warning sign. It's not the thing itself. It's not the thing to focus on. The anxiety is telling you that you need something and that there's an unmet need. And the focus is like, what do you need? So you have anxiety like this,

that or I wonder what that person thinks of me and they didn't get back to me and, well, how is this going to work out and I don't know what's going to happen here and you have all this kind of like a hornet's nest and it's kind of like and that's how meditation too for me helps because I can quiet that that hornet's nest and then go what do you what do you need right what do you need and it's I need a nap I need a hug I need a hot bath I need to put my phone the fuck away from me yeah for a while and I need to go be in nature. Yeah. Or I just need to eat some food and take some time without a screen around and take some

deep breaths. Or I need to connect with a friend. Or I need to pray or whatever it is. I need to exercise and be in my body because I've been in my head all day. Whatever it is to train oneself. And it's taken me a long time. And I've been doing it in my 40s and 50s. I wasn't doing, I wasn't as advanced as you in your 20s.

to flex that muscle. Anxiety, what do I need? Anxiety, what do you need? What do you need? And that's been incredibly helpful for me. Can I try it? You mentioned social media or putting your phone away. Yeah.

And I feel like that's another thing. How's that working for you? It's hard if that's your bread and butter. And it's also the source of so much anxiety and stress and self-image. issues. Oh, so bad. It's brutal because I read all of my comments and everything. Do you do? You get tens of thousand, you get 100,000 comments. I will sit there and just read them when I have you'll read 100,000 comments. No, 100,000, but I'll read 1,000. Holy shit. Wow. And I just, um, it's so hard because it's people are so critical online. And I think, too,

the other problem with social media is that you see other people's lives and you compare. And I've had to really get myself to not compare myself to other people because there's always going to be somebody better than you and there's always going to be someone who has more than you do and it's, I think that's, I'm quoting a fucking J. Cole song right now, but you can, there's always going to be someone, something better than you. And it's really accepting that and being okay with that. And I don't have to be, I'm me and that needs to be enough. And I think, I hope when my daughters get social media that I can instill in them that confidence of just having social media when they're 20 when they're 20,000 years old. I don't know. There you go. I think it's so bad. No, but the

studies have found that social media especially with adolescent girls is really like adolescent girls 13 to 16 is really toxic. Facebook was getting really big when I was 14 and I remember that was part of the reason, too, that I wanted to kill myself is just online bullying and stuff. And it was just, it is so bad and it's scary. I think of my kids and I'm like, I can handle this barely. How are you guys going to handle this? And how do I? But I think a lot of handling it is not, A, not spending too much time on it. It can be entertaining. It can be. It just is what it is. I make a living off of people obviously being entertained by it. But. Do you set time limits on the social media? No, I said, I don't do it. I have kids now, so it's hard for me to, like, if I'm, if I'm with

them, I'm not scrolling. I also am very conscious about if I'm with my kids, I'm not on my phone. I try not to be at least, unless there's something I have to do. That's good. Because it's, I watch a lot of parents at parks and stuff, and they're just on their phones, yeah. They're just on their phone. And the kids are, like, playing around. Yeah. So, of course, when the kid is 13 and has their own phone, they're just like this, too. And then the whole family, you go to a restaurant, the whole family's on their screens. Yeah, we don't do, and I'm so thankful that their dad has very similar views on everything. Oh, that's great.

The parenting stays the same, but we don't really do a lot of TV. They can watch TV. For him, they don't really watch TV ever. For me, I let them watch it on the cars, or else they want me to sit in the backseat with them. My youngest will be like, give me a boob, and it's just a whole thing. So I let them watch TV when we're in cars, but that's it. They don't watch TV at home. They don't do iPads.

the only iPad they have is the one that stays in the car, they watch it in the car, and just not getting them hooked on devices so young. I'm hoping helps them not get hooked later. But yeah, it's, I think. So how do you navigate this? You make your living on social media and from, you know. So I do spend a lot of time, obviously, on social media,

figuring out what's trying to and stuff. How do you handle the negative comments and that hate? Because there's a lot of haters out there. They are. And it's so bad. The ones that get me, there's some, I think that when it's an insecurity I already have and then people comment it, then that hits me harder than if it's something that I know is not true. Like when people say I'm not a good mom, I'm like, okay, that doesn't bother me because I know that's not true. But when they say something that does bother me, maybe, that is something I'm actually insecure about.

It will hit harder where I feel like I want to fight back. And I'm like, why do you have to? And I know one of the, it's just, I don't know how I handle that. So do you have an anonymous account? And then you comment as someone else. I'll just go on rants on my stories about comments sometimes. Yeah. I had to stop myself because I've gone on like a few rants.

And I'm like, that's not helpful. And it's just not. I don't want to give any space or anything to the people who say mean things. But it's just, I mean, the people who say. that a lot of people are really hard on me for being divorced. And it's... Well, that's too bad. Yeah, it sucks.

It's like, I don't... That wasn't how I saw my life going either. I'm not sitting here like, oh, I love joining the statistic. It's not my favorite thing that's ever happened to me, but it is what it is. And it's out of my control. I have a hard time with comments. I don't know. I haven't figured out a good way to not let them get into my head.

I think that would be a good thing to text your therapist about. come up with a strategy. I mean, she would just say to tell myself none of that is true, but I think it's when I start when I stuff that I already am insecure about. And it's like, okay, well, Kate from Massachusetts also agrees, then it must be true. And I don't know why. What I'm most fascinated about with your story is you've told a really

and shared a really dark story about your teenage years and the difficulty with your parents, suicide, suicidal ideation, anxiety. And somehow the human spirit triumphs. Somehow we transform. You have taken your pain, your brokenness, your awkwardness. You know, there's a Leonard Cohen quote about,

like, the cracks is where the light shines through. You know, you have taken that pain and transformed it into comedy that young people just love. And it is really, it's brilliant, it's exact, it's incisive, it's hard to do what you do. I think when I look back, it's all really started from me leaning into my insecurities. And I still do it to this day. It's just, I think it's taking the things that I was once so ashamed. of and embracing them. So me not fitting in and making that my whole.

Because I realized, too, we're not, no one's unique. Everybody, there's a million more of you. The person, exactly how you feel when you walk into a room, there's 100,000 more people who feel like that, millions of more people who feel exactly like that. So once I got out of my head of like, this isn't, this is okay. You're just one, this is the prototype of human you are. And it's just, it's entertaining to people.

And I'm really just embracing it. So I used to be very insecure about not having a college degree. And things that for so much of my life, I just tried to, I never embraced the things I was embarrassed of. I didn't want people to know I went to community college or that I, so many things. I tried to hide everything that I was like poor that I went to community college, that anything that it just happened to me in my life that I was ashamed of. I would try to hide so bad. I was taking that to my grave. And once I stopped doing that and stopped hiding the things that I was embarrassed of and leaning into them, that's what blew up my life.

And even with the podcast, I admitted from the beginning that I paid people to come on. And it was just owning the things I was doing. Wait, you paid people to come on? I didn't pay you. No. I didn't get paid. I paid. So for the first three guests before you.

Before you, before Drake, before any of them. Um, actually, Marka was the last one. I paid people to, I, I would, uh, and I just told this story recently. Oh, because you were, because you were trying to build your brands. I was just trying to get people. I wanted celebrities and I didn't know how else to get them. So I said, tag a celebrity. And if your comment leads to you, um, a celebrity and me connecting and doing an interview,

I'll give you $300. So, so. 300 bucks. That's not much. Exactly. So I couldn't afford to get, no, I was like paying him a hundred grand to get, Snoop dog on your podcast or something, you know. I was saying a person, $300 so I could guilt people to do it.

So I tagged Marco and I said, if you want this girl to make $300 come on my podcast and he did it. And she got her $300. Oh, that's great. Yeah. But I owned that. I was never ashamed of those things or that I've, to this day, I will delete a post if it doesn't do well and I'll repost it again with a different caption. I think just owning the things, instead of trying to pretend you're perfect or pretend you're something that you're not, just own exactly who you are for what you are. I love that.

And if people hate you, they hate you. Yeah. But it's just, yeah. I agree. I am a big, weird, awkward, weirdo dick sometimes. And I got lucky to have a career as an actor and I got lucky to play Dwight. It's incredible. And I have that, you know, that kind of persona.

And I just embrace that, you know, who I am too. Yeah. It's taken me decades to kind of figure that out. Yeah. I love that. That's cool. Once you stop hiding who you are, I feel like it's just easier. And that's even to people who ask me for advice on how to grow on social media.

I'm just like, be you. But really, at all of your flaws and everything, be yourself, make fun of yourself. Like, don't be a sure. ashamed of anything that you do. And the most confident I ever am is just when I'm me, myself, and I don't feel, like I own that I feel uncomfortable when I walk into a space. And once you get that out of the way, you feel less uncomfortable. When you started, you were doing more of like mommy stuff, right? Was it Vine or TikTok? TikTok, I was doing parodies or not. You were kind of like being bad mom kind of like. Yeah, it was a parody of a bad mom. Right. And a bad way.

So I was acting just like a horrible mom. And I think I realized that my sense of humor would go viral pretty easily. Yeah. So I would just really lean into, or just the way that I'm also able to say things so seriously. Yes. People believe it, you know? So if I say something, people believe it. And that would go viral.

So that's how I started. Before I started my podcast, I think I had three million TikTok followers off of just this bad mom parody. Amazing. Yeah. So what have you learned being a mom? Tell me about you're a young mom, a very young mom. Yeah. I mean, I had my, I met my husband when I was only 20.

I got married, 21, had my first kid, 22, had my second. I had my second kid at 24. Now as a 27-year-old, I feel like being a mom is the best thing to ever happen to me, even though it's the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. And it complicates obviously every aspect of your life. But it also just gives me purpose. And for me, and I feel like people relate to this, when you have a bad childhood where my whole childhood, I wanted to grow up. so bad. And I remember I wanted to be 16 and pregnant. I wanted to be, I wanted to get knocked up when I was in high school so I could just have a kid and do it right. I wanted to do it right so bad.

Like this is what it's, you're supposed to do when you have kids. And I'm very proud of the mom that I am and and the life that my kids live and how even though their parents are divorced, they have a very stable household and more so than we were together. And I noticed. to being married, we were going down the same path that my parents went. I could see how that was going to end. Oh. So you were kind of somehow unwittingly, unknowingly repeating a pattern, a cycle. So, and it's crazy how that just happens.

Fighting and kind of. Yeah, just the fighting was and just the, we were not happy. And it was just, it wasn't, it was just, we had kids and we, and I loved him and I will always. love him. He's the father of my children. But we weren't good together. And I was, I was 21. He was 30 when we met. And we were just at two different. I was so immature. So immature. I will give him that. I was immature. I just didn't, I'm hardly maturing now as is. And I think as much as divorce was like such a hard part of my life, it was really necessary. And me as a mother has grown so, much after becoming a single mom.

Yeah. And having kids is just, it just means 100% of your time is now either you're thinking about them or there's just something going on with them. You're there with them or you're thinking about them or you're doing something for them. But it gives you purpose. And like I was saying, when you have a childhood where you wanted to grow up so bad, it's me being a mom. It's my dream is to have my kids be close to me.

And I've never been close to my mom. Love her. We're just, I saw a lot growing up, and it's hard for me to forgive. And even if I try, it's just there's always going to be that between us. We're never going to be. Look, what I would, I see other daughters with their mothers, and I am so jealous. And I'm like, well, I can have that now with my kids. And it is my one mission life.

So having a family is allowing you to repair what you didn't have. that you didn't have. Yeah. And just being able to show them so much peace at home and predictability and just all of the things I didn't get to see is so it's just amazing. It feels good as a mom to give them all the things that I didn't have. Yeah. And I can't imagine not having them.

I wanted to have kids my whole life. Like I, when I met my ex-husband, I was like, let's have a baby. And it's like, okay, that's how we got our baby. Like, it was really, I wanted to be a mom my entire life. I've lived and breathed babies from when I was very young. I was always the anytime a cousin got pregnant, I was there. If I'm traveling without my kids, I'm the first one to try to help like a mom in the airport and play with the holder kid or do whatever because I love children. And my lifelong dream is that I could start a daycare or something where I could just be around kids.

So that's once my kids are grown up. I'm like, I gotta have babies in my life somehow. So yeah, I think motherhood is, that's just all I was what I was made for. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. I think, you know, my dad who passed away about four years ago, he was a great man in so many ways. But he was really broken because he had a really traumatized childhood. His childhood was like, out of a Dickens novel is just really, really bad. And so he just wasn't emotionally available.

So I kind of felt that with my son, like I get to try and be emotionally available to him. I can be vulnerable with him. I can tell him I love him. I can just hug him. I can just, I can call him and tell him, hey, I'm really sad or I'm really struggling with this, you know, to let him see my struggles and my vulnerabilities and show him that you can be a man and you can be soft and you can be vulnerable and you can be. be weak and and you can have struggles. I hope so. I hope it makes him, you know, a more well-rounded man. You know, it took me a lot of decades of therapy to kind of find those aspects of myself, you know. But that's, we get to,

you know, we get to set things right. Yeah. And I think every parent, including mine, right, wants that. They want to be their best version. So it's like I know my mom had a horrible life. And she, I know she wanted everything in her to change those things. And she just didn't. And I very easily couldn't,

could have fallen into that same generational cycle again. But it's like really making an effort to understand that you're not perfect and that you make mistakes and that you can always be better. And that's, as a mother, I feel like every day I have to, you know, there's so many things that I can do to be better. And it's even as simple as their dad sending me books like, oh, this is what I just read. And it's helpful. You should read it too.

It really, like will help with this stage. Like, my daughter is at. And just you can really always learn. I feel like so many parents just get so set in their ways that they feel like, oh, this is it. I know everything. And it's like, no, you can always learn how to be a better parent. So a lot of times people say that their parents were terrible, but they're great grandparents. How are your, how is your mom and dad has grandparents?

Yeah, my parents were, you know what my dad said too? He was just like, I can't believe parents hit their kids. And I was like, God, you hit that. How did you forget that? He truly is like removed that from his memory. I don't get it. But he is so patient with my kids. my mom is the best grandma ever.

And it's amazing. And I love it. I think my mom had a really hard time because my grandma was a horrible mom to my mom, I think. Or she had a bad childhood. But then my grandma was great to me and my siblings. Like we loved my grandmother. And I understand that now, how as a mom that can be a little bit hard? Because I look at the relationship my kids have with my mom.

And I'm like, you care about this so much. But I think that it is so nice. I'm so happy my kids have. her. She's a great grandma. She'll come. She lives in Temecula and she'll drive all the way out here to watch those kids once a week. She comes over to watch my children. Oh, that's great. She thinks about them all day long. She's like, she's obsessed with my kids. And her whole house, you would think they lived at her house, even though they only go there once a month, maybe, because of how decked out and kids stuff. And I'm the only one with little

kids in our family. Yeah. She's a great grandmother. I didn't know much about you and you asked me to be on your show and then my son is 20 and he was like oh my god you're on bobby altof's show and it turns out like everyone from like 15 to 30 watches bobby altaff's awkward well it is a huge huge audience of people that adore you and i'm fascinated by it because you have such an interesting comedic persona in your podcast that's a little bit you. Yeah. It's like there's 20% of you there, but then you, but then you, you, you, you heighten it.

And it's kind of like me and Dwight in a way. Like people think of me as Dwight and they think that I'm like, bullying and kind of a dick and kind of over, overbearing and inappropriate and kind of awkward. And I am a little bit all of all those things, you know, there's 20%. Dwight and me. That's what she said. You get that? But it's not me, obviously. So how did this persona of yours develop to be the awkward girl that somehow has her finger on the pulse of Gen Z? I think I've always kind of been this person and just I've decided to exaggerate it. What are some of the aspects that you exaggerate? Just how uncomfortable. I feel in real life.

Right. Everywhere that I feel like I don't fit into any space I'm in. So then I feel like my character is a way of coping with that. Yeah. And just she says things that like I wouldn't normally say. Normally I'm just going to be kind of quiet in a corner. Yeah. Well, I totally relate to that.

When I was a teenager and I've told this story before, but I used to kind of observe how like normal kids. would act and then I'd try and emulate it. I can definitely relate to that. You can relate to that? Yeah, for sure. Because my parents were really weird. My dad kind of lived in his head and my mom was my stepmom who kind of raised me.

She was very quirky to say the least. And they really lacked any and all social skills. Like I was just humiliated to go out in public with them. Yeah. Yeah. Did your parents have a similar kind of thing? I was so embarrassed to be, I'm to this day, like I get embarrassed to bring my parents anywhere to show, like, interact, see them interact with other people because they have humiliated me my entire life. How so? How are they awkward in what ways?

So they weren't awkward. I think they just locked any, I don't know. I pay attention and I think because of my childhood, I pay attention a lot to how people are reacting to me around. And I feel like they don't notice anything. They're very, they're not self-aware at all. So my dad just says embarrassing things. He talks to everyone. He doesn't realize when like someone doesn't want to talk to him anymore. So he's kind of like a Michael Scott a little bit. He is. Kind of lacking a filter and lacking a social awareness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he would embarrass me so much. One memory is that as a child, he would drive me to school in his very beat up truck. Like his car was an expedition that was just banged up. And then he had a trailer on the back of it. was because he was, he would build houses. He was a construction worker. So this trailer was so rusted. It was hideous.

It was just so embarrassing. His car was loud. He had to, I had to, like, open the window to get out of the door. Yeah. He'd have to come around. And, like, it was very just, it was shitty. Yeah. And he would insist on dropping me off at the very front of the school because he was like,

you can't be ashamed of your dad because he's a hard. worker and I was like, please fucking just let me walk. Like, let me walk one time. Like, drop me off a mile away. I will walk. I would beg him every day to just let me walk. And I would stress a lot about how I'd get to school. I remember getting home and like, I'm just immediately, I'm like, okay, now I'm stressed

out about tomorrow. Like, how am I going to get to school? Mom, please take me. And she, if she couldn't, my dad would do it again. And it was just right there in front of everybody. And I felt so embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, I feel like now I... carry myself in a way that is like I'd try so hard not to embarrass myself now. Do you feel judged by the kids at school because of that, your dad, the broken muffler? Yeah, I wonder how much. Or was it just your own? Was it in your head? I wonder how much it was in my head. Because in my head back then, they thought I was the most embarrassing person ever.

I couldn't afford anything. My dad's checks to the school always bounced. I never got a yearbook. Like all of those things, I thought judged and embarrassed, but I actually wonder how much of that was in my head. Yeah. Versus how much people actually noticed. Yeah. And had I carried myself with any sort of confidence, then maybe it would have been better.

It's interesting. I think one of the best kept secrets about Hollywood is like, and I don't know about like the podcaster, YouTuber, influencer, streamer, TikToker world. I don't know that world very well. But in terms of like actors, let's be real. Most actors have trust funds and come from really wealthy families. Really, like 80, 90% of professional actors because it's really hard to make it as an actor. And what do you do during those lean years when you're first getting started? Yeah.

And we had no money. I used to get my clothes from the Salvation Army for the first. I remember first starting to buy some new clothes like back to school and we would go to like Macy's and I would get like, no, it wasn't even Macy's. It was in Seattle, Frederick and Nelson and we would get like a, or Sears. I got my, you know, like two or three polyester shirts from Sears and two or three pairs of pants and one pair of shoes. And that was like, that was a big deal to me because I had gotten it from Salvation Army before. And my dad drove a dilapidated Ford Pinto long past its due. He got it. It was like a 1973 Ford Pinto. We were driving it into the 80s and powder blue. And it was, it was embarrassing too.

but I was less awkward about that than the fact that because my parents were so awkward, I had never learned how to kind of properly socialize. So I just felt uncomfortable around people all the time. And to a certain degree, I still do to this day. I think we both do to this to this day. And that's part of our personas. But I would watch people, I would watch like my friend Mike Wensel in the lunchroom. And he'd come into the lunchroom and he'd be like, hey, bro, how's it going?

I don't think people said bro in the, like, early 80s. But, you know, the equivalent of bro at the time, dude, you know, and like slap the guy in the back. And I'd be like, oh, okay, that's what normal people do. So I would come in and I would see a friend and I'd be like, hey, dude, how's it going? And slap them on the shoulder. And it would just, it just wouldn't feel right. It was almost a little bit like a serial killer would be trying to fit in. Yeah.

Or like an alien child trying to fit in. What were you like in this high school scenario? I feel like I've always been, like I've always had, I think a lot of it has been in my head, like I said. So I know that at my high school, there was the area that all the cool kids sat in. And I still don't know how they got there. Like I don't know if it was in my head, it's like a conversation. not invited somewhere, I don't go. Like, I don't, if I don't feel like I'm wanted somewhere, I'm not going to go there and, you know, invade that area. So I never sat there because I felt like

I didn't, like, I was like, oh, well, no one's invited me to sit here. Right, right. So I always isolated myself. So I feel like I don't know why I was, I don't know why I'm like that, but it's, even to this day, if I don't feel like I'm being invited into a space, I'm not just going to go there. And but then I'm like, how did other kids? Is that an invite thing? And, or did they just go sit there and make friends that way? But I was just too weird to not to think about that. That is a good question. Like how, because there's always that,

either it's a lunch table or a hangout area or something like that. And it's like. And it starts from the very beginning of school. So it's like, do they just go there? Do you just show up? I don't. Yeah. Do you just sit down?

And then you just make friends with people? I don't know. I couldn't do it. Hey, Jack. Hey, Susie. Yeah. So lunchtime was my. second biggest anxiety of school. Actually, it became my first after junior year because everybody

could go, no, was it, when did they get to go off campus? I think junior year, that made it better for me. So freshman and sophomore year, I had such bad anxiety around lunchtime because I was like, where am I going to sit? Like, what am I going to do? I hated lunchtime. I would like, I would have my mom call or my friend pretend to be my mom and be like, she has to go to a doctor's appointment during lunchtime because you can't get off campus unless you have a reason. Right. So I'd get called to go off campus just to like go freaking off campus for the 30 minutes. And then I would come back after lunch.

I hated lunch so bad. Oh my God. Because any type of setting where people will just go make friends and stuff, I'm not good at. I just even this past weekend, my daughter had, you know, how for kindergarten's out here, you have to freaking go to observations and stuff. Yeah. She had an observation. and all the parents had to go into one room.

And they were like, okay, we're going to like split up into halves and we're going to do this little game. And I, my anxiety is... So they were like in a room behind glass or something like that? No, the kids were in a completely different room with teachers. They were observing them. No, no, no, yeah. The teachers are just...

But then all the parents had to play games to get to know each other, which is my worst nightmare because I don't know what to do. So I just stand in a corner and hope someone talks to me. And if they don't, that I'm just going to look at my phone or try to look like I'm busy. So unless I go there with a friend or something, I hate going by myself places. And it's just that's been with me forever. I have always hated it and felt uncomfortable in settings like that.

And I still kind of agree with you. I still feel that way to a large degree. I really do. And I think like I try and overcompensate sometimes. I'm like, okay, I'm going to put on my social persona. I'm going to be like Mr. Life of the Party guy. And for me, it was clowning, you know, it was being funny. I realized I could make people laugh.

I could be kind of a big goofball. And then that would get me positive attention. And actually, girls would kind of be interested in me a little bit. And, like, people would want to hang with me a little bit more if I can make them laugh. And so I leaned into that. And so then comedy came out of, you know, again, trying to fit in, really. Yeah. I feel like comedy for me, too, is a way to be.

self-deprecating and make fun of myself before other people can. So it's like I can say all the things about myself before anybody else says them because I feel like they're already thinking them. Sure. Let me just. Well, I, you know, having seen a bunch of your podcasts now and getting to know you better over the last year, I will say that what you do is really hard and you make it look really easy.

Probably a lot of people watch your stuff and go like, oh, I could do that. She just kind of sits there and is awkward and asks inappropriate questions and doesn't speak kind of when you expect her to speak and there's awkward silences and stuff like that, which is, by the way, very office. Yeah, I was very inspired by the office. You were inspired. I love The Office. I truly, to this day, I tell my videographer every time, make sure you're filming it, like,

the Office. Like, I like to have that look at it. Right, right, right. That's great. But I really truly believe what you do, you make look easy and it's really, really hard. Because also your humor is very, you can tell you're really smart and it's really sharp humor underneath the awkwardness. Like your mind is going like a thousand miles a minute and you're like zeroing in and what you know will be like the most funny and most inappropriate and most off-put. That's one of the reasons why your show is so successful.

You're so adored. Thank you. I think that I've always kind of done it without knowing what I was doing. Just try to make the situation funny or interrupt what I felt like was awkward and put in whatever I think is funny just to get. Because I too noticed I could make people laugh at a young age. And I just was like, okay, this works to get people to like me or just be. I don't know. So it's not as uncomfortable. And for the podcast, I feel like from the very first episode, it was just naturally like how I felt. I would just really, all of the uncomfortable thoughts I was

having, I would just, like, as an, oh, this is so awkward right now. Because it is awkward. Like, you did one with me. It is awkward. It's not, it's not just a show where I'm going to pretend to be awkward for an hour. I am truly, everyone that's watching it in real time is like, this is so uncomfortable to watch this because there's so many times where it's silent and stuff, but it's like I just try to say the things that I'm just like, what is going to make this good, I guess. But, and also the things that I think people would, I try to like project what people would comment and just say it right then and there. Right. So you mentioned Mark Cuban earlier.

I feel like for Mark Cuban, it was like, obviously everybody's going to be wondering. he's a billionaire so it's like why feed around that and it's like what could I get from him because he's a billionaire and obviously I don't think he's I never thought for saying he'd actually give me anything but it was kind of just like what would he say back to this because I know people think that all the time if I'm talking to a billionaire right like how much money could he give me right now and it'd be nothing to him and it's like yeah I don't know I just I don't think too much I don't do any research before a podcast okay maybe maybe a tiny bit of just so I I have some spots for if it gets really awkwardness.

But mostly I just lean into the awkwardness. So that's why every episode is a little bit different. You knew you wanted to call me Dwight several times in the interview. I truly did not want to. And that was what was crazy. I went into that interview with so much anxiety that I would call you Dwight because that's what I just knew you as. And then what I kept doing it and I call you Dwight so many times in it.

And I was like, oh my God. Because in my head, I was like, this man is going to get mad at me if I keep calling him Dwight and I couldn't stop and then once I realized that you didn't like you weren't mad then I was like oh let me keep doing it but at first it was just slipping out now you seem your your fans also seem to have kind of a love hate relationship with you right yeah look at the comments and a lot of people like she's so annoying and oh she's so awkward and I don't buy it this is bullshit and that but they watch every single video and they watch all the two hour interviews yeah I mean there's there's there's kind of a tension there that's fascinating as well.

Yeah, I feel like the people who comment the main things probably aren't fans of mine. They're just like, why did this girl get where she is and whatever? But I think that people who enjoy watching it is just a weird way to see people out of their element. And it's unique. I don't, there's not really anybody else that's doing two-hour interviews with celebrities that are like just really uncomfortable and they're being asked. I also don't ask questions that are actually important, and I think that helps. I'm never going to ask someone about the divorce that I'm not going to TMZ them, you know,

I'm not going to ask them about stuff that other people might. And I think that's also why people like to come on because I'm very friendly with the guests that I have. I am going to TMZ you. Are you? I'm so excited. I'm nervous. I see your whole paper. I'll do it.

I got some research here. I came into here knowing that. Robert. Robert Altaf. Dwight. Dwight. Dwight. You know how much anxiety I had that I would, and then I kept every time I would say Dwight on accident, I was like, fuck you dumb bitch, stop saying that.

So I am going into this and me and the person filming, we were like, we cannot say, make sure we don't do it. And what do I do every 10 seconds? Okay, Dwight. And I was like, oh my God. And I felt so bad because I was like, you're going to walk off. You were going to hate me. I didn't know you. I didn't know if you were going to be nice.

You have to do it. You have to go there. It's like don't think about a pink elephant, you know, and you just. And then you hot. And then the whole time I'm calling you Dwight, that was crazy. That was crazy. I'm happy you didn't hate me. I really thought you were going to hate me if I said that.

I have been through way too much in my life to hate anyone and to be put off by anything that anyone says. It's crazy. I haven't yet. I hope I get there one day. No, I don't. I'm over twice your age. Are you?

How old are you? It's 58 and a half. I'm going to be 59 soon. 60s. Am I older than your dad? No. Almost, though, right? My dad's 75.

You're not even close. Oh my gosh, he's old. Yeah, I know. Wow. Got an old dad. Young mom, old dad. She's 12 years younger than him. Okay.

You guys are. Well, she's still older than you. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Bobby really. I don't like a day over 100, though, so. Bobby, in all truth and thankfulness.

Thank you for. sharing your story. And I think it's super helpful for young people to hear about chronicles with depression and anxiety and mental health. And, you know, turning that, turning that around. And, you know, what you're doing is, is amazing. And sharing your story is really generous. So thanks for coming on soulbone. Thank you for letting me come here and talk about it. I'll talk you're off any day. Okay. Well, come back sometime. Okay. All right. I'm going to send you, I'm going to send you a few prayers and a few meditations. Please do. I'm going to do them. Thank you. Okay. Should we look at the cameras? Yeah, let's look at the cameras.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please call or text 988 to connect with the suicide and crisis lifeline. Train professionals are available 24-7 to provide support and guidance to help you. You can also call your local county crisis line. number or call 911. You are not alone. The Soul Boom podcast. Subscribe now on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and wherever else you get your stupid podcasts.