Spiritually Speaking with Jessica & Samantha - Laughing Through the Tears: Honest Conversations about our Mental Health

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

In this week's episode, Jess & Sam open up about their personal journeys with mental health, coinciding with Mental Health Awareness Month. Prepare for a raw and candid conversation where laughter and tears intermingle, taking you on an emotional rollercoaster ride. Join us as we share our triumphs, struggles, and everything in between, shedding light on the complexities of mental health with honesty and vulnerability. Tune in for an episode that's as enlightening as it is heartwarming. 

oh I don't know why I did that shall I just carry on hello and welcome to you know why it is it's because I can hear the noise oh it's all right I'm not used to hearing it oh yeah because we normally have our headphones on yeah anyway sorry hello and welcome back to spiritually speaking with me Sam and with me Jess we have got the giggles because jess just gave me my birthday presents which was so lovely and we within 30 seconds of giving it to me jess smashed on the floor i got sam a mug can't stop laughing she got me a really nice mug for manifesting so i always say i'll manifest like in the morning with like a coffee and a notebook and she got me this gorgeous mug for manifesting and literally she just picked it up and smashed it on the floor it just like smashed and I was like that wasn't your mug yeah it wasn't for you

it wasn't for me yeah exactly so yeah we had the giggles and I was like sorry babes yeah you know I was like I'll get you another lovely one but it was a really nice mug it was it was so lovely yeah well it's all right it wasn't meant to be so funny oh my god oh babes how are you I'm good yes I'm good how are you I'm good I'm good I feel I've been tired this week yeah have you been tired yeah I'm always tired I have newborn twins yeah I always feel like I need to like have a bit of a reality check you know what I saw yesterday I went I was walking um the girls and the dog and um I saw one of my best friends her husband um walking their baby and he goes to me you're all right I went yeah like I'm all right why and he went you're tired and I went well I've got newborn twins like so yeah I am tired and he was like oh yeah you look

a bit tired that for me I swear I could have punched him in the throat yeah I'm going for like when someone says right I'm gonna just public service announcement here if you say to someone you look tired right one if they are tired you've just told them that not only do they feel like shit they also look like shit number two if they aren't tired and they feel good you've just told them that they look like shit yeah you should never tell someone that they look tired it's true there's no good that can come from that no i don't seek comfort in someone saying to me yeah you look how you feel yeah you know what i mean i think i've done that before not to you yeah no i don't

think you've done it to me i think i have done it yeah i think the way i feel about that comment one of my clients once i was like you just feel and look really tired yeah faith was like fuck you and i was like but you know what we need to own it yeah we need to work through it yeah and i think i'm one of them people that doesn't like to show it if I'm feeling it probably. But yeah, I don't even know where I just went with that. So you've been feeling tired. I have been feeling tired. Do I look tired?

No, you look great. Thanks babe. You've got a lovely tan. Thanks girl. You look great. I have had a few days of like chilling. Yeah. And just relaxing.

So I think the sun has, you know, given me that fabulous tan. Yeah. But no, I just have felt very sleepy very tired um and I've just been like yeah like napping in between clients oh sitting in pure silence that's quite nice it was lovely yeah but it was just like why why am I needing it but I feel a bit better today yeah so yeah I think there's quite big energies we're in tourist season so I feel like this is quite tourist well you're in tourist season so I feel like this is quite tourist well you're a tourist yeah you're looking at you're like you're a tourist yeah

powerhouse yeah energy yeah and I'm like my Pisces is struggling in this in this energy a bit more yeah but um no I'm just sleepy um and I what else have I been I just had some down time this week which was nice like you know i needed it being busy with work i made a new friend in my apartment block oh my god is this the one that you told me about so jess sent me a i think he's listening to the pod probably no i don't think he would okay maybe he could okay you tell the story basically, if anyone listened and remembered my obsession about the man walking the dog, like I have these weird things with people really randomly. And I use past life as the reason why.

But basically, there's this man who's in his 70s, which is quite unfamiliar to see men of that, or women of that age here that live here. Yeah, 100%. Like you don't really see people past 50 60 yeah really in dubai like this it is a very young yeah place to live so he sits in my lobby on the sofa when he's doing work i've seen him a few times i was like bless him what babe yeah and anyway like the other day i was walking into the building we just made eye contact instantly okay and then I acted we did it was like our souls were like oh I know you so he was like oh hello darling how are you and I was like I'm good how are you started chatting long story short

he's a Scorpio I'm a Pisces Scorpio man so I was like oh my goodness how sorry how long did it take oh within like a minute I was like when's your birthday oh okay tell I was like oh my goodness how sorry how long did it take oh within a minute I was like when's your birthday oh okay tell me your birthday hi my name's Jess when's your birthday yeah he's like are we compatible yeah um and I was like oh you work so hard I was like you're always here working and he's I've noticed you as well when I was like oh like thanks you know it's nice you know familiar and whatever and then um his name is Raymond but he calls himself Raimondo with the accent oh and I was like oh why the accent yeah well maybe yeah um he was all you know like I grew up spent a lot of time in Italy and then I was oh where are you from and

then he is like 10 minutes down the road from me that's in the uk and i was like jorge mundo slash raymond you're my man so we had a great chat he then asked my whatsapp number i gave it to him because i thought he's harmless yeah and we he sent me a very lovely message oh he basically said i've never met anyone in my whole life um as i can't remember the word was basically like lovely and bubbly as you that's so nice and he was like and you're so endearing let's go for a coffee soon oh i know you're gonna follow that up yeah because i don't think it's a date no of course but i just mean like you're quite a busy person well i am quite a busy person but i think i will make time for myself yeah man that's nice um but yeah so it's very funny because then we end up having a good

old chat yeah um so yeah he's sweet yeah i was just like do you know what sometimes it's nice to be around old people yeah i agree yeah i think they have a nice energy about so yeah and the fact that he lives down the road from me i'm just like you know it's meant to be yeah so he's my new friend obviously i'm going away soon so no not gonna be a long lasting relationship that was the highlight of the week yeah my encounter with him so yeah i just love shit like that yeah so random it's nice but it's like um it's like a bit of a random act of kindness isn't it when you just like randomly start chatting to someone you know you might be like you're gonna get stalked yeah i straight away was like i'd just been watching baby reindeer so i was like

he's a stalker be really careful i was like it's fine we're in dubai if it was in my local town you'd be a bit more worried i don't think i would give him my number but i my my spirit said to me it's all good he's a good man you might learn something from him yeah so I was like okay cool yeah so I'm always open literally so it's all good well let's hope good vibes yeah well it's fine you all know now so you all know his details so there's any issues he's also really small like there was nothing about him that was like frightening yes like he was you know like a small like quite a petite man yeah okay so um yeah it's all good you can punch him in the throat if there's any i know i can't believe i just said

that would never punch someone in the throat by the way yeah so we'll just knock him down yeah yeah yeah i get that girl well don't you think he'll listen to this oh he won't but millie will so yeah why did you say that she'll say she'll um she'll agree with what i'm saying yeah i'm sure yeah but what's going on with you um well i'm like where do i begin um my life is a bit of a tornado at the moment but not necessarily a bad one there's just a lot going on yeah as always um i'm moving house yes when are you actually moving so yeah so next week a week today i go back to the uk yeah um for the funeral and for a wedding yeah and i'm going to be in the uk for 10 days while i'm in the uk andy's going to move us house okay cool which means a week today i leave this apartment oh my goodness yeah exactly

which is a lot like i've lived here for three years and i've had so many amazing memories living here um not i'm not sad to leave it i'm just like oh that chapter's over now you know we're going on to the next one that's okay but it's i love getting organized i fucking love a list i love like everything to do with organizing so the fact that i'm not going to be here when we move is a bit stressful but andrew will be fine he'll he'll do it um and i'm just trying to pack for traveling for the first time with babies you just don't do anything by halves i know and pack my house up at the same time okay and obviously removal companies over here amazing they do everything yeah but all my stuff i want to pack myself like i want to pack my clothes i don't want a removal company packing up my knickers and my

bras and you know what i mean and even like my photo frames and stuff little things like that i want to pack myself so i've been doing that i've ordered do you see them massive boxes at the door oh yeah there to pack my own stuff um and then the removal company will come and do that while i'm away so i've got that going on at the moment um and then i had the most loveliest moment ever this week i actually haven't told you this yet because i've got a statement for the pod because i know you'll be super proud of me um i went and met my friend at the mall and um she was running late and i said to her she's got a baby as well and i said oh can if we meet can you feed one of the girls for me at

half 10 i need to feed one and then you can feed the other yeah because whenever i meet up with people i have to i need the help basically so i can feed them on my own at home because we've got like the means to be able to do that at home but when i'm out and about they get fed at the same time so i obviously can't do it on my own and anyway she was like yep no problem she was running a bit late and her baby was being really fussy and she was like i'll still help you but just so you know and i was thinking oh crap so i was like right i need to just plan ahead for this even though literally i'd like two minutes to do so i ran to like the other end of the mall to like the quiet end yeah got in starbucks got a comfy chair and started feeding blake first because she was being fussy first

had my other leg out and was rocking the pram with my leg with river in the pram burped blake put her down got river out fed her burping her still pushing the pram with my other foot and i literally could have cried because i was so proud of myself and I just remember having that feeling of thinking when Andy was going back to work and my mum was leaving of doom like I was so scared I never thought that that would ever be a reality for me to be able to do that and to sit there and do it and then both just be happy and like not one of them cried I think they knew that I needed like a good experience of it and like afterwards put them both down in the pram they were awake for a little bit babbling away then

they both just fell asleep on their own I was like oh my god it was just a really really nice moment and I just feel like if anyone else is listening who's got a newborn and thinks fuck when am I ever going to be able to do it like you will I'm really proud of you thanks you just went with it yeah and you did it and i did it yeah and i felt really really proud it was a really nice moment yeah yeah really nice and even like today like um i've got one of the girls um joy from the salon has been helping me out at home a few days a week and she's sick today and i was like it's fine I'll just get on with it and you know like I can do it yeah which is really nice yeah it's nice to kind of feel like I'm yeah getting the hang of getting there

yeah exactly it's not the hang of it but maybe you're just it's the new normal now exactly yeah exactly um so that's really nice so I've been feeling a bit better with that feeling like I've just been getting organized oh I made a um video for my grandma's funeral oh so my dad asked if I would want to and I was like yeah sure like I love making like reels and videos and stuff like that and I don't know if I think I did tell you mention this on the pod that i did loads of videos of her like an interview style so i've put them all together um for the funeral um which will be really nice that'll be lovely yeah that was nice to look back on um that's really nice yeah are they putting that on like a screen i assume so i don't really know yeah um

we'll see yeah but i'm glad that i'm the one who's made it so i'm not seeing it for the first time on the day yeah um do you know should i confess a story that's really bad about my granddad's funeral yeah my lovely granddad i love him so much but it was covid and there was 10 of us in the um service oh okay and my uncle that listens to this yeah is a really uh confident singer okay and he was really going for it in one of the hymns and i got the giggles and so did my sister and we had like the full-on giggles at my granddad's funeral i did the exact same thing at my granddad's funeral the exact same thing so my granddad's funeral i did the exact same thing at my granddad's funeral the exact same thing so my granddad had um he my granddad planned his funerals before he died he wants oh yeah oh god he wanted three oh yes we said no and we did two fair enough yeah so we did one

where he used to live and then one where he lived towards the end of his life with us um and he so he planned them to a tea yeah and he had my heart will go on by Celine Dion I couldn't contain myself I was crying I was laughing so much my grandma was next to me she was the same my grandma wasn't my granddad's wife yeah it was my grandma who's just passed and um but they were like really good friends she was laughing loads I was laughing my sister puts her hand on me she was like it's okay you know thinking you're crying upset and i was like i'm not upset i'm laughing like i can't believe that we're listening to this like yeah was it actually it wasn't when celine dion was playing i actually think it was a hymns yeah it was it was the hymn

sorry and this woman behind me was going that's exactly what my uncle he did he was it wasn't the celine dion bit wasn't the Celine Dion bit. The Celine Dion bit I think got me as well, but yeah, that doesn't surprise me. It was just because I feel like the music was quiet and because there was 10 of us. Yeah.

It was just like, I just felt like he was going for it. Yeah. And I just sort of looked, caught my sister's eye and then we were like, ah. But my other sister didn't sit with us

because she was like, I knew this was going to happen. Oh, I knew you were going to get the giggles. Oh, that's so funny. And then my poor mum is obviously called... She's called Lindsay. And the vicar kept saying, Leslie.

No! Oh, my God. And he was just... And he's your mum's dad as well. Oh, you poor boy. No, bless the soul. Is that right leslie oh yeah i think you did it like once or twice and it was just one of those things we were like

bless him i feel like he was watching down thinking of course you're all laughing yeah yeah of course you've got the giggles like yeah it was one of those where because it was all it was um it was in the april so obviously covid was like end of march and then he passed quite quickly with covid so it was when covid oh wow really yeah it was really like oh wow so yes it was all really weird oh that's really sad so i think everyone just yeah yeah i just was so inappropriate and granddad i'm so sorry i'm looking up to heaven because I know he would laugh, but he also would have told us, like, he wouldn't have told us off.

He'd have been a bit like, come on, girls. He'd be like, girls, come on. Just give me this one moment. Yeah. Just give me my time. You know, so yeah, bless him. Grandad Pete, I love you babes. Miss you.

But yeah, so any hymns at funerals, it does. Oh, shit. I haven't thought about that. You're going to be thinking about that yeah i am it's all right there'll be well there'll be quite a few people at the funeral i assume so i really don't know yeah i really don't know i mean she was a good age so a lot of the people that she knew were probably already gone yeah she outlived a lot of people do you know what song she's got for the funeral i have absolutely no idea i didn't actually know most of my granddad's

songs no i don't know really any hymns the only ones i know is um she's got the whole wide world in her hands i know it's he isn't it he's got the whole world i just turned it to she for the women out there yeah from my ladies i saw this thing on tiktok where there's this like boozy branch where they sing school hymns oh my god there's one like apples and the peaches or something isn't there there's like one it's about like um fruit i feel like different schools had oh yeah true and also it'll depend if you went to like a catholic school yeah we had the whole world in his hands yeah um and obviously like the usual nativity that i loved a bit of beth yeah oh yeah away in

a manger i would belt that out oh yeah like that was a real like like here we go and we used did you ever teach to play the piano uh yes yeah yeah we used to bang on it mr brooker used to bang if we were talking yeah kind of like he's like respect what i'm doing yeah and then it'd be like one two three away oh anyway shall we talk about this week's topic yes so we're going to talk about um mental health stop laughing i know well it's all right it's good to laugh yeah you know we'll just talk about all of the emotions but it's obviously mental health awareness month um well I say obviously but people might know yeah I didn't know that to be honest yeah for the month of May um so we thought we'll talk about that a bit because you've obviously had more spikes in your mental health since being a mum yeah and obviously I've just had bumps in the road my whole life so yeah I'm a bit of a pro at it but I think it would be good

to sort of share and talk about what that means and I was thinking I'm just going to start with how I've been feeling this week yeah um because I've been really sensitive this week. And I definitely have a really loud voice in my head. Do you have a loud voice in your head? It shouts. I'm just like, shut up. Yes. Yeah, really loud. And I'm horrible to that voice.

To the point where sometimes I'm like, oh, you're just irritating. And I'm like, that's not very nice. And I'm just like, you're annoying. No one likes you. I feel like that's what my sisters used to say yeah he's now just implanted in my brain but like that whole yeah like I've been really in a sensitive mood of like yeah you know I know yeah I can I know exactly you mean that yeah voice of like I can literally just sometimes say to myself like say I'm gonna go and eat something I'll like in my head I'll be like you fat bitch

do you know what I mean I only yeah like you don't need that I literally will do things like that or like I look at myself and I'm like oh you minger yeah i'm like why and you know what i saw this amazing so the other day i'd had um maybe i'm digress i'm not digressing too much here but um i'm obviously going to a wedding i'm going home going to a wedding so i'd ordered a dress and i put it on and i put it on when i had no tan on no makeup my hair was shoved up the top of my head it was not a good time to put it on but i was it was the first time really since having the girls i really felt shit and i was a bit like oh god like yeah i just don't feel good yeah and andy bless him is like you look amazing like you've just had twins like you know and i was like i know but i don't want to look good for someone who's just had twins i just want to look

good and he's like yes i get that but you have just had twins yeah anyway um forgotten where i'm even going with this but then my mind my mental like my mental health like my mind is then saying to me like you've got to do this like you've got to then do all these things to make yourself feel better and put so much pressure on myself horrible yeah oh that sorry this is what i was getting at i forgot about that so then i saw this video on um Instagram this morning of a mum who'd had twins yeah and she was nine months postpartum and she was saying like you know what she was like then to now and she does exercise and whatever and it was really nice to see it and she'd said like you have to remember when you're saying all these horrible things to yourself what would you think if your daughters were saying that to themselves and it just stuck in my head and I was like fuck

that is not something that I want to start projecting to them I don't want them to ever be like oh no I'm too fat for that I can't wear that or all the legs don't look good in that so I can't wear that like it's such a shame but that voice is so loud in our heads yeah yeah I think that voice is really loud and there are ways yeah I think that voice is really loud and there are ways to quiet it and I'm really trying to like look into that at the moment because like when I meditate I find silence and that like time to just go but like you say like fat bitch minga like you wouldn't just like down the street be like oh yeah fat bitch and you know what you might punch people in the throat but you wouldn't just like down the street be like oh yeah and you know what you might punch

people in the throat but you won't call them and you know what's awful like i was in the gym the other day and our treadmills faced the pool yeah and there was these people in the pool and there was this couple and there was this girl there in a bikini and she was much bigger than i am yeah and she looks amazing yeah and i was like oh my god she looks so good and she had so much confidence and i was watching her and i was thinking why am i being so hard on myself and she had so much confidence and she looked so good but why am i then being so hard on myself like she can she's so lovely to herself as well and like all bodies are beautiful do you know what i mean yeah and i think that's it and i think that voice can be there for like looks but it can also be like so a voice i have a lot and you're probably

all listening thinking yeah you do talk a lot jess but because of my job i talk all the time yeah and with clients i'm working with them and i am sick of my voice right i hate it yeah like that's what the voice in my head right always like that's why I struggle to listen back to this right so like it's not even like the body stuff like I definitely give myself a hard time but the voice at the moment is like oh just sick of hearing you talk wow isn't that awful yeah it is because like we all have something don't we that like eats us all yeah and it comes up and i think it's just because at the moment in my career the main thing like i should be proud of my voice it's because though now you're speaking a lot more like you're showing

up a lot more we've spoken about this before like yeah you know you are doing a lot more now and that involves you speaking more yeah involves you recording podcasts it involves you recording um well I do meditations meditations everything so I'm just like constantly reviewing my voice yeah because you've got to review it before you put it out yeah so like all the the producer side of it and whatever so yeah so that was like a big thing coming up in my head and I was like just reflecting because I think lots of you probably can resonate with that voice that's really loud in your head I am sure that everybody can resonate and I think that voice is the big like root of like mental health for me yeah because that voice isn't like you know it might be valid sometimes that sometimes maybe when I do open the fridge that voice is like babe chill out or yeah maybe you have spoke a bit much just you

know so there is sometimes validation in that voice yeah but a lot of the time there's not no and it's just chatting shit yeah and it's there just causing you problems to sort of you know it's the ego that voice and i think that really can sort of make a struggle yeah um so that that was a big thing that's been coming up for me in the last week so if anyone's voice is really loud right now in their head it's like hey you just have to give it a bit of love what do you think we could do to that voice you know what i do i just realize that it's not real exactly sam that's what i that's what i started to do i'm like that actually isn't real yeah so when i'm saying like you know oh you don't look good in that or or you whatever I'm like that actually there's no truth behind that voice like there's literally zero substance

to that yeah it's nothing it doesn't even exist totally I'm not even saying it out loud it's only going on in my mind that is just like huge that you've even said that yeah because it's so true it's not real and that voice is is you know it's a subconscious programming that's been made up that doesn't benefit you yeah um i've been listening to an audio book by michael singer it's called the surrender experiment and i would recommend for anyone that's feeling like that voice is really loud to listen to it yeah because he really talks about that and he says exactly what you say which is that voice is made up yeah and i guess the point um that i'm trying to make is that you start to train yourself yeah to not listen to that voice yeah and know that that voice isn't the right one yeah it's just the one that shouts really loud i make a conscious effort as well of like i'll say to myself like you look amazing you look great

you feel great i feel great today like i do it all the time and like i make a really conscious effort of like even the girls are like they're literally fucking babies but like i'll say to them all the time i'm like you are so beautiful you are so beautiful like i want them to really believe it because they need to believe it and we should believe it like we're so lucky yeah and we have so much to be grateful for yeah that that's where we do have to drown out that voice because when sometimes we can get so caught up in that negative spiral there is so much good that is on the other side definitely remember and i think with with that like you know it is hard to reprogram that part of your brain yeah so i think for a lot of our generation like

you know we all grew up with weight watchers and slimming world mums yeah i did did you yeah well funnily enough my mom actually goes to slimming world now she's still there yeah but she never did it before okay yeah so like you know you kind of grow up and i love my mom lindsley lindsley lindsley leslie poor lindsey she's getting hard times today jesus christ but obviously she was like a slimming world mom or weight watchers so then you grow up with that and i think loads of people would have grown up with that sort of mom we're like the the language of like sins like you can have five sins today oh my god i have never even thought of it like that before you are a sinner if you have more than wow oh my god that's so bad isn't it like that

language that's been like oh this is so like bad i'm going to the fridge but obviously that's what they were taught and it obviously you know well it didn't work because it's not the healthiest mindset but yeah at that time that was the sort of diet culture wasn't yeah yeah so it's that kind of like language that we grew up with which was really normal yeah but now like you you know like and they say about um like it's a treat you know and actually using the word tree isn't the right is it what is it no yeah that's exactly i say that all the time oh it's a tree you know that's just a little tree or should we have a tree yeah but it's like that language oh my god yeah it's that's so bad this is good and this is bad and you only have the so then it gets like programmed into you and then that's where that voice is like fat bitch yeah yeah yeah put the cake down so it's like that kind of like

yeah big sort of voice that's been programmed in us from that time um that just yeah it's crazy so like doing those things with the girls but like without realizing yeah we will as parents that when i have kids as well you'll get things wrong have you ever and i don't know how to explain this in the best way there's a better way but have you ever heard of that experiment where they take two apples and they say what they say stuff to one and to another yeah i think i've heard something similar right so i actually know someone who did this as well with her class she's a teacher she's one of our number one fans on here as well madison um anyway so they you get an apple for example you can do it with different things and you'll put it in like a container or something like that you get another apple put it somewhere else you say positive things to this apple yeah right and like all

positive stuff you are so beautiful oh my god you're so ripe you're this you're that and then to the other one you say all negative stuff yeah one rots and the other doesn't that's nuts it's literally crazy but that actually is that's a study that's been done time and time again and it proves to be true yeah so if you imagine if you're saying negative stuff to yourself all day long it's only going to affect you that way definitely and that's where you have to be kind to yourself and i know it's not always easy i really know that it's not always easy well you've had that exposure i guess now haven't you yeah exactly because you've been pretty um i'd say you've been quite fortunate on that side of life

very fortunate 100 but since having the girls it's taken an anxiety yeah you said you had a bit of insomnia this week yes yeah it's been a lot like yeah i i've i've become very um a lot more empathetic and yeah to people i really have because i think when you have never experienced it you really can't understand you can't yeah and i used to say when it came to fitness for example it's so simple you do 10 000 steps a day you drink three liters of water you exercise you eat healthily you're gonna lose weight you're gonna feel good whatever why can't more people just do that if that's what they want to do you know i don't really see the issue now in my head i'm like but you can't physically do that if you don't feel well in your mind yeah you physically can't yeah because it starts within yeah and now i know what it feels like to not feel well

mentally yeah and to physically not be able to do anything because mentally you're not well. Yeah. And that empathy, I think you see that with people that help people. Yeah. Usually the reason they're doing that is because they understand that feeling. Yeah. And it's quite a lonely place when you feel like that. Oh my God, yeah.

And the days just pass you by. They do. Like they pass you by and you've not done anything in those days where you just yeah you physically just can't i don't know it's really hard to explain it i don't know it just feels like you've got a dark cloud over you it's like foggy and pure exhaustion yeah like when I think about when I was really depressed and that was probably 2020 um where it was heavy yeah like really heavy depression so like covid like breakup it was like breakup covid hated my job and I just felt so like I wasn't aligned with my purpose yeah now that I'm doing my work that I'm doing. Yeah. People wouldn't have recognised me four years ago. Yeah.

They really wouldn't. Yeah. Like I was just exhausted. Yeah. And I think that part of you, like if someone was like, just go out for a walk, I'd be like, fuck off. Like if I could, I would. You know, like it's that thing where, you know, you just feel like your energy's so heavy and stuck yeah you can't get out the only reason I was getting out of bed is because I physically had to look after babies yeah that was the only reason like I don't think I could have otherwise and I think

yeah it was it is it is when you feel like that it's there's nothing that can really pull you out of it like imminently it has to be small things that come with time i think so and i think if anybody is feeling like that or feels like they're on the way to feeling like that yeah then i think it's small things small incremental changes that amount over time i think so and I think a lot of the time like you can't do it on your own so like you know I needed a therapist to get through like I think when I sort of it was very much I think it was just sort of like that second lockdown had happened or was happening and I just was I don't want to be here I genuinely just was like why am I here yeah and I would just sit there on the floor in my kitchen like on a Saturday night so sad yeah and just be like I don't get it yeah like why like I was like

no like you know there was a real feeling for me of like yeah people would miss me but like I don't get why I'm here like i just do like a job that's really average like i haven't found love like i don't love myself like this is shit like literally i used to feel like that all the time it was awful it just it takes my breath away that because i can't imagine yeah i can't imagine that version of you i know but it makes me so sad that you went through that yeah and that there's going to be people listening to this who either resonate with it or they've had people yeah i know people who've you know been through things like that and then maybe they've taken their own lives well it crossed my mind like not like in a sense of like how would i do it but

it definitely crossed my mind of like i really don't want to be here yeah like and that doesn't happen as really now I come up like bloody hell life's a bit tough yeah oh this is a bit exhausting yeah but most of the time it's very much a no this is okay I'm grateful yeah and I think that gratitude was is what keeps me going now yeah so I feel like I have more of a toolkit that when there's there's bad days yeah it's different now but when I was in that space four years ago yeah like it was I was so lonely I felt like I couldn't tell anyone I felt her hindrance yeah um and yeah I actually can't even like relate to that version I feel like I love that version of me. I give her love. That's nice. Yeah, I don't shame her.

I just feel like I didn't have a clue what to do. And I think if anyone is feeling like that, book in with a therapist. Yeah, I agree. That was, she saved my life 100%. She was just so amazing. And she just helped me get out of my head yeah um and i do think you need help you do you need someone yeah like my help was andy like yeah i remember just sobbing to him one day and saying like my head doesn't feel like my own yeah that

was how i said it to him i was like i don't feel like myself in my head but i don't know how to get myself back to that yeah and i remember he said to me once like quite a bit after it like coming towards like the end of feeling like that um he was like you've always had work and i'd never even realized that when at that time he was like, you've always worked from being 14 years old. And now you're not working and now your purpose is something else. And he was like, it's finding that same feeling in something else, you know. And that hadn't even occurred to me that that was probably where I didn't feel like myself because I wasn't doing anything that yeah was normal to me or in alignment I think a lot of it is alignment yeah and purpose yeah and I think like for some people you know motherhood gives them all of that yeah but for some people it doesn't no yeah I think

for a lot of people it doesn't yeah to be quite honest I think there's like a bit of a most people that come to me that are mums love their babies yeah but don't it's not it's not like that's their whole identity yeah you know like yeah I'm not speaking on everyone but a lot of people I would say confess that yeah um so I think there is an element of finding purpose and a lot of people come to me and say like I just don't know what my purpose is yeah and I think that's all the soul wants in this lifetime is to find that and i think for me when i think about that depressive state was because i wasn't in my purpose i wasn't helping people i wasn't doing my spiritual work yeah that's so you know so because for me i've always

had my purpose yeah from being so young i've done exactly what i wanted to do i've done it i've become very successful at it I've grown and I've you know yeah changed through time with it it's been a huge part of my own identity my identity and then I had babies and I was like fuck I've lost that yeah yeah and then it's like what am I who am I why am I here yeah what am I here now just to like be a mum I feel like I'm more than that yeah am I more than that should I not just be really enjoying this like all those voices come up and it's like and that's that voice that comes in like that voice that was saying to me like what's the point yeah you know why why are we here like it's just like there's no point is there like that voice was wrong that voice was so wrong because if I

listened to that voice that would have just been crazy for me because I needed to do the work so it's like when you go there and hear that voice and if you reflect on times where that voice was really loud I'm pretty sure it would have been wrong always yeah yeah because people get confused of intuition I know I've spoke about this before how you know that the voice that shouts is not the intuition it's the voice that whispers and you know in those times I do remember um when I was I think this was when my so my ex boyfriend when I was younger like I really took the heartbreak like this is my Scorpio moon I think it was it was so painful for me that heartbreak and then like nine months later I um got a Facebook message

from this random man basically telling me that like my boyfriend at the time well that I was with had cheated on me with the man's wife does that make sense yeah yeah it does and he told me everything yeah and it broke me because it was just like and I still have fear when I get random messages on my phone wow like it really was traumatic at the time because I can imagine it was already struggling with the break break yeah and then you get that and I always I remember thinking he cheated but like he he never admitted it to me um and I know this man was hurting but like he didn't need to message me and tell me everything no he didn't and it was awful and I remember that night thinking like I cannot get through this like yeah I've

just dealt with heartbreak and now I feel like so betrayed and rejected yeah and um and I just heard this voice going but you did get through the heartbreak and you can get through this and I remember thinking yeah I can and that was a whisper yeah it wasn't loud and it was just that moment but I really remember that night I was in London when I got the message and I just was like numb got on the train just sat on my bedroom floor I was always a bit dramatic I like to sit on the floor when I'm depressed like it was just always that like and I just yeah remember those voices being so like one of it was just like I can't I can't do this I can't get over this and the other voice was like you can yeah and it was so soft

but it was like you can and it was something believed in me and that was obviously a part of me but I think you know a lot of that was circumstance with that depression but then what came after that was a more just heavy depression and that scared me more because it wasn't for a reason like no one hurt me I think you know what actually yeah I think that's probably where people can really struggle yeah is when it isn't actually for a reason yeah because you know you could be a new mum for example and people like it's going to get better because as i've experienced now the babies get a bit older and you start to get sleep and you know it starts to get better you break up with someone time is a healer and you know x y and z if you feel depressed but you have no reason

yeah specifically one catalyst reason for why you feel depressed yeah how do you get over that well that was what was happening for me yeah so like it was just like this repeat heaviness and I was like my life is boring it's dull like I like my family were always amazing like I love my family so much and like where my sisters have like the children I would like live like through like my weekends that they're going to watch them play football and stuff like that but I remember thinking I'm not living for me I'm just living for like everyone else yeah um but yeah that depression that that was the second time and that was probably the bigger breakdown yeah because I

was like it's not about the guy that that hurt me this is now about me and i'm actually just like broken did people around you see that that was about to happen do you think i think i had a really good mask right um and obviously that is the cliche yeah with depression yeah um so i would say on reflection yeah they could all see it probably more not as much they were yeah like I feel like my sister Hayley definitely knew like I always talked to Hayley about things so she she would have known um I think my parents have realized now that like they actually said something to me it was last year they said this to me they were like you do hide a lot we don't always realize what's going on until after right and I

didn't really realize that that was the case I felt like people would have I think because I'm so in tune if someone's struggling I know they don't have to tell me yeah and I assumed everyone else would know that yeah um so yeah that was probably yeah I probably could have voiced it a bit more um but I didn't really know how to and I think I was really scared of like what I was thinking because I was like if I tell anyone that yeah they're gonna be really worried yeah so I definitely think I dealt with it on my own I lived on my own yeah and I lived on my own through COVID yeah so I was really lonely like it was really tough um that so that depression was all over that time so yeah it wasn't I could hide it yeah I could show up and be happy when you needed to be yeah and I was drinking more alcohol then as well yeah so I was drinking a

lot like on my own yeah yeah like I was definitely drinking a lot of wine um but yeah so I don't know like I think when I've spoke about it more I'd say the feedback from family now is that I'm a different person but like for the best but they were like you were always amazing but like the way you've grown yeah they're like you know it's amazing like they're like it's inspirational and yeah i think it's so beautiful for people who are listening to this who either feel similar or felt similar or anything that they can now see you and think oh wow like i feel i'm getting emotional now no but you should you should feel like you should feel so proud oh honestly i'm so proud of you and oh my god you're gonna make me cry we're all emotional now you think about that time often

yeah so it's just mad that this is now this is now your reality that you feel so much better it's such a full circle but you should you should honestly be so proud of yourself because you are going to help a lot of people by speaking so openly about that and i never would have looked at you and thought that was something that you went through yeah knowing you now and not knowing you before um so you should be really proud of yourself i do feel proud I think like it was the making of me yeah and I think that's why like I understand people so much because I went through that time yeah and I think having that like heaviness it just you know made me a bit more I don't know just you just feel it more you understand what

people are going through yeah okay I just had to have a little cry so there was a little break there yeah and there was also a baby crying yeah we timed quite well didn't we so there's a little gap there I was just feeling the feels but I feel a bit more like I can speak again now yeah it was just a tough time you know and I don't think about it often I probably start crying again but and I think about what life is now like thank god I didn't give up yeah you know and thank god I made changes you know like I couldn't have carried on living like that no absolutely not you know and you shouldn't have had to either yeah but I think I felt like that was the only way life was going to be to be quite honest I can now I feel like I can completely get that because you can't see forward

yeah I couldn't you can't physically see forward you can see everyone else living what looks like perfect lives yeah and you can't see past that wall in front of you that's how it feels definitely yeah and I just remember thinking like if this is like life like it's not fun yeah this isn't what I want yeah I just was like and then I think obviously then when I booked in with my therapist that she did change my life what made you make that decision how did you get to that decision so I think it was quite it was a really lonely decision I didn't tell anyone I was having therapy I felt really ashamed about having therapy so I think it was probably about four or five sessions in I told my family right so I was really fortunate that I had private health at work so I called up Bupa and was like oh that's great yeah I also

got signed off from work and I really recommend that yeah to anyone yeah that is feeling what I was just talking about so so step one was I went to the GP and was like sign me off and they did and I was signed off for four weeks on reflection i should have been longer but it was all good this by the way was only about four months before moving to dubai this went on from 2020 to 2022 wow yeah so this was in the november october november and i moved to dubai in the march wow yeah so um can i just say as well sorry i remember you moving to dubai yeah because the place where you went to work at i must have followed them on instagram or something and i remember seeing you starting working there and thinking oh my god she looks amazing like you know like from an outsider

looking in it looked like all was roses yeah and it wasn't yeah i think i actually felt really good then yeah and then the mental health triggered again when I moved here which I'm happy to talk about but like I was I felt like I I remember before moving to Dubai thinking I've worked it out I've got all the answers and I came here and they were like no yeah you need to do the work yeah the change of country is not going to give you that yeah so going back to getting signed off got signed off for four weeks um so I was fortunate that I had Bupa and I really appreciate that people don't have that um and that's hard so like in all honesty like you know it is difficult to go through things with the GP

so if there is anyone who needs like just a conversation like I'm happy for people to come and have a chat with me I'm not a psychologist but you know it can get you on a more spiritual way because I just feel like at the moment it's so hard to get that mental health support I can imagine yeah so it is hard but um so please just send me a message if you're feeling like that um and also things like the Samaritans like in all honesty like you know like my uncle does that and you know and if you feel like you can open up to a family member and you're gonna feel supported yeah or a friend and that's because i was in a place of privilege i work corporate and i had i had a private medical that gave me 20 hours free therapy wow that's brilliant so i was very

fortunate and not everyone's in that position so so I yet got signed off and I felt really ashamed about that and then I booked therapy and felt really ashamed about that um and then within a few weeks I finally like told my parents and they were like like that's good well done and how is it and I was like oh you like I was expecting everyone to be like why why are you doing that like you know so it was this thing and then I remember a session with my therapist towards the end she was like what's the goal and I was like to work for myself doing my spiritual work in a hot country and here we are so yeah so then I just had a few more months at corporate and I was like fuck this this is miserable and I managed to get made redundant and had the opportunity to move here so at that point I was winning I had done the therapy 20 sessions boom I'm healed you know I've done the work I'm

moving abroad I'm now leaving corporate chat chat check yeah was I wrong yes and then I came here and it wasn't the right thing for me and my anxiety and the hangover of that depression was there all right so like those first six months were really tough for me and again quite lonely very lonely probably the loneliest I've ever been I was about to say I can imagine even lonelier yeah abroad on my own um and, I just found it really difficult, but it was less depression and more anxiety. Right. So it was a different feeling for me.

And it was very panicky, like really fear driven. Lots of phone calls to my sister, like panicking, lots more panic attacks. Right. And obviously I was on my spiritual path then but when I think about who I was spiritually two years ago I don't know what I know now so like in two years well I'm gonna know even more like I know nothing you know in the grand scheme of things because I'm constantly growing and you know so when I think of that time yeah like I was just a mess and misunderstood and in the middle east on my own trying to work it out intense time

yeah and then I think when I finally decided to work for myself it all changed yeah I finally took the power back and I remember like meeting with my therapist on zoom and she was just like you done it oh and I was like I have she was like I'm in awe of you I can't believe it and I was like I know and it was just like so crazy and then I sort of started to realize like how much change I had made and as much as all that change was so hard and so heavy and I thank goodness for my family because I'm sure they were so worried about me oh my god I'm sure like the emotional phone calls and all that stuff and then yeah like it's just sort of been building and you know I'm I'm definitely the most stable I've ever been mentally um I don't drink alcohol very often

yeah I'm not sober but I hardly drink I'll say you were hungover last week I was hungover last week that was very true um but the alcohol consumption is nowhere near what it used to be yeah like I don't feel the need to be sober um that's not really on my radar right now maybe it will be but not right now yeah um but i didn't ever take medication i have nothing against medication there's no issue there for me on that side i just didn't take it yeah because i felt like i had other ways for me i'm quite like that anyway like if i'm on my period i'd rather not take paracetamol right like i'd rather do reiki move my body yeah that's just always how I've been okay um so I was reluctant for that but it was offered but I

would say I'd rather yeah but I don't hold judgment in that way because we've got to do what we've got to do um and then yeah I would say that there's still ups and downs but like so much clearer they're not foggy but it's through discipline discipline now, like my meditation, you know, giving back, like when I give back to this work and spirit and the higher power of whatever this is that I do, I feel so much more aligned every day. I think a lot of it as well is when you start, things become habits. Yeah. It's creating a habit and not having it as you know something

that you just do once yeah so it's yeah your habit could be going for a walk every day if that contributes to mental health which I imagine would and um things like you know taking time to reflect and be grateful and things like that and speak to a therapist but make it a habit you know see them every week or yeah definitely I think so so I think for me there was there's been a lot and there'll still be downs there'll still be ups yeah you know I've got my whole life ahead of me um I haven't mastered it and I don't think you ever do I know and I think different things come along different circumstances that shake you um but now I just know I don't need to do it on my own yeah that's

the difference now yeah like and I think that was to do it on my own yeah that's the difference now yeah like and I think that was the biggest thing for me I think that's very beautiful yeah yeah and it's yeah it's it's needed for a lot of people I think a lot of people need to know that like I remember you saying to me um about motherhood for example and you were like you know you're meant to have help around you like you are meant to have that help and i was like yeah like i've never said no to help at all um but it is so apparent now that you do need help it does take a village and i'm not supposed to do on my own it really does in every element of your life and i think that's the issue with society now that we're we're portrayed this perfect life on social media yeah the comparison yeah and like yeah what I was

just saying then sorry when I was saying about motherhood I mean that in terms of every aspect of your life yeah totally yeah and I think that's the thing like you know when I think back to that version of me like my friends probably didn't really realize they might have they might have yeah they would have known I was maybe a bit deeper than them at times like they all know what I'm like yeah I wouldn't have outright being like I'm really struggling and maybe they also turned a bit of a blind eye to it like yeah I don't think exactly you don't you just get wrapped up in your own life yeah you know we're all a bit guilty of that at times um but you do have to lean on the people around you because that's how we all get through yeah and I think now I've just make sure I have my downtime so that when I said over the weekend I have time for me yeah where I

just chill and do my thing yeah okay it's just me doing the sign off because Sam just had to run off to deal with the girls because they've just woke up from their nap um So I just want to say thank you so much for listening to this episode. Obviously, it's quite an emotional one. And oh, losing my voice. But I just want to say that if you are feeling what I described at that point in my life, you're not on your own and you know, just send me a message or speak to someone who's important. Get signed off from work if you can. Book in with that therapist if it's an option for you. But please know that you're not on your own. It is a hard world working through our mind and we need people to help us with it.

So with that, lots of love. Thank you so much for listening and I'll do the usual, what Sam normally does. So the subscribe, follow, like, you know. much for listening and I'll do the usual what Sam normally does so this is subscribe follow like you know so follow us on Instagram at spiritually speaking underscore podcast Sam is out here by Samantha Green I am Jessica Marie underscore holistic and on my Instagram i have got a whatsapp option so please please use that um and lots of love feel the feels and thank you so much for listening to this week's episode