Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 1: Funny Moments With Your Parents and Human Avocados - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 18, 2018

Welcome to the first comedy podcast from the Spitballers! Today, the guys tackle ridiculously important life advice questions like what to do on an island full of cannibals and whether you should be a beautiful idiot or an ugly smart person. The Spitballers finally reminisce about the absolute worst of family-friendly times... accidentally watching one of THOSE scenes with the whole family in the room.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in! I take issue at that man calling me a buffoon. Oh, I don't. I am a buffoon. I know there's at least two buffoons on this show. Oh, okay, plural. It is plural.

Yeah, so he's accurate. Any of us could not be the buffoon. That's the mystery of this show. I'm not sure that we could say any of us. Okay, fair enough. If I'm not a buffoon. You are one of them. Then what are you? I do not belong at this table. So you are for sure, and it's down to one of us.

Yes. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back again. Your family-friendly weekly dose of nonsense coming your way. This show drops every Monday. You can download, subscribe, find us on Twitter, twitter.com slash spitballerspod. That would be at spitballerspod. Spitballerspod.com is the website.

And we're going to have some fun today. How are you guys doing? How's life? Oh, man. Justpod.com is the website. And we're going to have some fun today. How are you guys doing? How's life? Oh, man. Just muse. Life is so... Wax poetic about your life. Oh, man.

Now a buffoon has to be poetic? Yeah. Your magnum opus. Okay. How do haikus work again? Try that. Don't answer him, Mike. Certain amount of syllables.

Don't answer him and let him do a haiku. Here's my haiku that I don't know what a haiku is. Here it goes. 575. Oh, dang it. Dang you, Mike. No. It's way better if you actually try to do it.

No, that's what I was excited that I didn't have to get it right. That I could just say anything. There's rules. And I don't have to. Oh, man. 575. 575. Okay, here we go.

This is poetry. Poetry from Jason. And this is to. Oh, man. Jason. Okay, here we go. This is poetry. Poetry from Jason. And this is serious. There are rules. I went to PETA jungle. Did you realize that PETA is two syllables? Oh, man. Not in this haiku.

It looks like we got another buffoon at the table. You already went over. I went to P jungle. Okay. And also, jungle is two syllables. Dang it! Oh, yes. All right.

Well, I guess... Ladies and gentlemen, for those who cannot see us, he is counting on his fingers these words with two syllables. He's just counting words. That was my effort to show off, Jason. Yeah, here's my five syllable. I went to the bathroom today at noon. Five.

Wait, what? Five syllables. Seven syllables is. Hold on. Just let him go. Okay. Just let him go. All right.

Seven syllables is I love football and the draft breaks my heart today at noon. And then five syllables is what is happening. I need to go to bed right now. Nailed it. That was rough. I think there was one of the lines was appropriate. If you think any of those lines were appropriate, you also were not counting on your feet. We're going to play some would you rather on the show today.

You also were not counting on your fingers. We're going to play some Would You Rather on the show today, dish out some life advice, and jump into, well, some very strong opinions that you may take my side on out there. That is the correct side of all debates on the show. Let's get into it. Would You Rather. All right. Would you rather? All right.

Would you rather be compelled to high-five everyone you meet or be compelled to give wedgies to anyone in a green shirt? Oof. So this is important. If you're in this situation, what would you rather do? Would you rather be the high-five guy? That is a lot of high-fives. That is so many. There are hygienic concerns.

Hygienic concerns? There's hygienic concerns for wedgie. I am so strongly opposed to the act of the wedgie. To the wedgie in general? It's the 21st century. When did that start? It started in the caveman era. They had underwear?

Yes. The first time someone put on underwear and we couldn't properly communicate, all we could do was draw pictures on a cave. That's when people thought it was funny to give other people wedgies of, here, I'm going to put hand right right near your dumbledore and then i'm gonna try and get your garments right up your rectum i feel like what happened here is there was a loincloth right that just covered and there was no way to wedgie and then one day someone connected it to the back it's's like, hey, everybody, look. This is so much better.

And then it's, oh, yeah? You think it's better? And then they lift. Because back then, the shame was, I mean, you get a wedgie with a loincloth, your butt cheeks out. Your cheeks are free. This is a wild world that we live in.

So you are anti-wedgie. What is the ultimate goal of a wedgie? It's humiliation. But by what? If you accomplish a perfect wedgie, let's say there's a person out there and they've been practicing for years. They know how to do wedgies to the maximum degree. What does a perfect wedgie accomplish?

Is it pain? Do you bring them pain or just humiliation? The pain is absolutely a byproduct because the ultimate wedgie is the underpants up over the forehead where it grips and does not just elastically snap back into place. That is half on the person wearing underwear that large. Right, yeah. You just wash those a few times on hot dry them for a while you got to shrink those things down the reason that's called the ultimate wedgie is because there's two camps right you got the camp where wedgies are funny and you have the camp where wedgies hurt and they're

like a bully move and so if you go ultimate look that's gonna hurt i thought that's pretty funny if someone's got their underwear all the way around okay so with once it's around the forehead it looks funny there you go yes because in cartoons it looks funny camp one that thinks it's funny are the bullies yes two that thinks it's painful are the ones receiving the wedgies yeah the guys those are the camps screaming oh doyle rules those are the peoplele rules. Those are the people. The cavemen. Those are the people who think it's fun.

You're giving everyone a high five then. Because I have to. This is to keep my conscience clear. Here's the thing with that, though. We all know those high five guys. And usually the high five guys don't have a rule where it has to always be forever. This is every single time you see someone, you've got to give them a high five. What about serious situations?

What happens when you show up at the funeral and you're meeting people? They're like, up top. Up top, my man. You're in the reception line. You're meeting the family, and each person gets a high five. That's embarrassing. Number one, a funeral should be a celebration of life. So high fives should be encouraged. Not every funeral.

Yes, it should. You've got to celebrate that life no matter what. And it's everyone you meet. Meet. I'm reading this as the first time I meet you, I give you a high five. Yes, walking down New York City Street is going to be rough. You're not really meeting those people. I put my hate blockers on and I ignore everybody.

I believe the context is supposed to be everyone you come in contact with. Yes, it has to be. Otherwise, it's a home run. You've got to high five. Just high five your friends or give wedgies to everybody. But only the first time you meet them. I'm going to go wedgies because I feel like I can't. It says you're compelled to give the wedgie. I feel like I i'm gonna be able to hold up a document to this person and say

i really wish i didn't have to do this but it's in the paperwork here please turn over turn around okay what happens then when you meet connor mcgregor and he's wearing a green shirt oh well then he's giving me a wedgie right back. You're getting a lot more than a wedgie. It's a different kind of wedgie. I give a wedgie, I wake up. There are a lot of people out there who can beat us in a fight. And those people are going to be wearing green shirts.

The community will get word of this and no one's wearing green anymore. You take the wedgie side, you are deceased in a week. This is happy. Then I'm high-fiving at your funeral. I'm staying home. I'll be honest with you. I don't remember the last time I just saw someone wearing a green shirt. Not like, oh, there's some green...

Who wears a green shirt? I'm taking the wedgies. Who wears a green shirt? I'm taking the wedgies. It's one of the colors. It's your fault. It is their fault. What are you, wearing a green shirt? I'm taking the wedgies. It's one of the colors. It's your fault. It is. What are you, wearing a green shirt, bro? Green is the best color. Yeah, well, don't you come in here with it on.

You're getting yourself a wedgie. Now, I will say this. St. Patrick's Day, I'm staying at home. St. Patty's Day, I will have to. You get forearm cramps if you've chosen that one with the amount of wedgies you're dishing out. Yeah, so I'm going wedgie. Andy, you're going wedgie. His name is Mike.

I'm high-fiving. This is principle. This is safety. This is the right thing to do as a human being. I do love that the hygienics that Andy wanted was, he was worried about the high fives, not about the pulling up your underwear from another person. Skin marks are surprisingly hygienic. It's like a dog's tongue.

Super clean. You can lick it all day long. I hate people that say that. I hate them. They're not hygienic. No, there's no way licking toilets and toilet seats and butts shoes and butts and ground and their own junk my dog is just looking far worse yeah far worse than all the things i just said named a really bad list

of things what is your dog you didn't go straight to to doodoo oh Oh, right. And my dog recently has figured out that apparently bird poop is a tasty treat. Oh, no. And she, this has never happened. Oh, no. My dog is 11 and just,

just found out what candy tastes like. But that's great news, though. That's really, like, Your kids won't eat it now. Well, That's true.

You had a big problem with your son always loving the bird poop and now, you don't have to worry. But I'm just saying, Have you tried it? Don't knock it until you've tried it, Mike. Well, that's true. You had a big problem with your son always loving the bird poop. And now you don't have to worry. But I'm just saying like. Have you tried it? Don't knock it till you've tried it, Mike. If I've got bird poop on my back porch table or my walk up to the front yard, I don't want it there.

And I don't want to have to hose it down. What if the more color. I need your dog. What if the more colorful the bird is, the better it tastes? It's scientifically speaking that makes sense. Is that where Froot Loops come from? But let dogs lick your face. Two-kid Sam.

Two-kid Sam. They got him hooked up to a machine. They're just extracting. Just squeezing him out. Just feeding him hummus. How did we get here from there? All right. I'm going to move us on.

Next one. All right. Would you rather be a super smart, ugly person or a beautiful idiot? Well, first off, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. No, as you say, we need to go to the extremes here. So would you rather be J.R.R. Tolkien or? Wait, J.R.R. Tolkien? What? I just. J.R.R. Tolkien or Wait J.R.R. Martin? I just

J.R.R. Tolkien The joke was there and I missed it because I combined two mythical creatures Oh man I had no idea what that was called George R.R. Martin is where I was going and now it's very me Now it's very me Why are you crushing George?

Dude have you seen If you don't know who this person is, this is the author, writer of the Game of Thrones series. His hat game is on point. I saw him without a hat, though, bro. His visual game... Troubles. His mirror game, as I call it,

is not a fun one for a while. If you notice, we called him super smart twice. That is true. Super smart. Super smart. So smart. Not a looker. This is mean.

So would you rather be George R.R. Martin or a beautiful idiot? And I mean, you're at the top of the list. You're super dumb, but you're gorgeous. So I feel like right now what I have to do, since I am currently both gorgeous and super smart, is I've got to figure out which one do I need to sacrifice from the way I'm already living. That's what me and Mike were both thinking about you. Tough decision for you. What are you going with? I think it's an easy decision i think that i'm gonna be an idiot that looks i'm just

so attractive that i get whatever i want and here's the deal you always want when there's a gorgeous person the people around them that don't just hate them because they're gorgeous they want them to be smart and talented they i think there's a benefit of the doubt where if I just try to keep my mouth shut, I think I'll get most of the things that I want. If you're super duper smart, you know you're ugly. Right. If you are beautiful but an idiot, you don't know you're an idiot. It's kind of like you're just not aware of the problem.

You're not woke. You're not woke. You're probably very excited about your life. You're happy with everything. You're not woke. You're not woke. You're probably very excited about your life. You're happy with everything. You're in, you know, you're naive like Jason.

Yes. You know what this reminds, you know what this question reminds me of? I don't know if you guys ever saw it. There was a 30 Rock episode where Jon Hamm was on there

and he's like this handsome guy and he's a tennis pro. Except he sucks at tennis. He can't play it at all but everyone's just fine with it because he's gorgeous. He's a handsome man. That's the life I want to live. A tennis pro?

A tennis pro life? Yes, a tennis pro life where I can do everything wrong, and people say it's okay. I'm going to be super smart because then I'm going to make all the monies. Right. First off. And then I'm going to be up in that gym. I'm going to make all the monies. Right. First off. And then I'm going to be up in that gym. I'm going to be just shredded. You're saying if George R.R. Martin were to just work out a lot,

that he'd be totally fine? That doesn't make his head any smaller. Maybe. But if the body, I don't know. I feel just mean. I thought you were going to say you'd be the super smart ugly person and just live the cave life because you don't like people anyway. This is very, very true.

I believe you said on a recent show on the Fantasy Footballers that you were the Raphael. Yes. Cool but rude. Yeah, I'm not actually rude intentionally. People just read my face as being rude. Your face sends people away. Yeah, do you blame them or you for those situations?

That's a you problem. But that's not a you problem. How you're perceived is in your control to some degree. You know, I don't know if you're – maybe Mike is not aware. So you're allowed to smile at people. There are social norms. Remember that high-fiving you were doing earlier? If you walk in a room and somebody offers you a five

and you don't give them a five back, even if your heart's like, oh, I really like you, it's still mean. People need to know. We need to take a time out here. So Mike's resting angry face is a legit real problem. He looks so angry. He's not.

He's totally caught. He's the most chill guy you'll ever meet. He's always fine. He's always pleasant. You would not believe that if he's just sitting there. You're like, oh, dude, what? Are you looking at me? Are you pissed at me?

Who died? What did I do? Who died? I literally, this is a true story. The business that we used to run, we got complaints of people who thought Mike was pissed off at him because he did nothing. Like reports to HR. People went to HR to tell them, why is Mike so mad at me? So now imagine this combo going back to the high fives where he's just staring people down with the hand in the air.

He's like, wait, do I? Did our HR department bother to say, well, why do you think that? They would just say, well, his face. I think the HR department had also experienced it. They're like, oh, totally. Here's the thing. Here's the thing about the face. I am all about efficiency.

And part of efficiency. Efficiency for who? Myself. For his face muscles. Oh oh i see what you're saying yeah yeah no i'm all about efficiency and doing as little as possible to get it done and my face i don't i'm not gonna use muscles on my face if i don't feel like i have to the most selfish two sentences i've ever heard i'm not gonna use muscles on my face if I don't feel like I have to. This is the most selfish two sentences I've ever heard. I'm not going to use muscles on my face. To greet people because I'm all about efficiency. Yeah.

So maybe it's not just a resting angry face. Maybe it's a resting angry man. I've just figured out who I am. Oh. The sad, sad man. No, no, no. From Silicon Valley, the owner of the venture firm, the lady, no, no. From Silicon Valley the owner of the venture firm, the lady.

Oh, yeah. Everything is direct and she's not smiling. She's very efficient. Yes, we are in this elevator together. She plopped the baby out and got right back to work. Yeah, so we are soulmates. Time for some life advice. Spitmolers to the rescue.

This is a very important question. It comes in from jhawker2011. Big fan of the Jayhawks. But only back in 2011. Correct. Yeah. Don't attach that date. That's not good.

Hello. I own a private island and I just released a ton of people into the jungle. Do I hunt the slow, fat ones first or the lean, tasty ones first? So I'm getting the implication that you need to also eat these people. Are we eating? Yeah, I didn't realize that. He doesn't need to because he owns a private island. Well, he might be stuck there. I think if he's out here releasing people into his private island

to kill them and worried about the flavor, I don't think it's a need-based thing. I think there's a little bit of desire here. If you're worried about the flavor, that's a hint, Mike. That's a hint he's going to be eating them. I'm just saying that he needs to. Now now here's the most surprising part to me the lean ones are the tasty ones now look i've never tried this i won't spoiler alert not happening uh i i've decided a long time ago stick to animal meat uh we are animals jason dang it i don't know if you know that i'm liberated

i can eat people i never realized thank you mike just what you needed um no but you know in my experience aren't the fatty meats the delicious meats so then it's like home run that that being said like easy to kill easy to eat i prefer but then you have to worry about getting hunted back right by the big ones by the athletic in shape lean ones who can move and hide and duck and dodge and i think they're lacking weapons yeah they're just they're just released you're the ones with the weapons. This is a Jurassic Park 2 situation. This is the pest with John Leguizamo smash hit from the early 90s. Your references, they're super mainstream.

I remember a movie like this with Chuck Norris where he released people. Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris was eating dudes? Chuck Norris is not Norris was eating dudes? Chuck Norris is not a bad guy. People were being hunted is all I'm saying. Well, maybe he was being hunted. It got me. It got me as a young kid.

I had bad dreams about it. The idea of, imagine being released for a minute. Let's bring this home. Imagine being released on an island. Maybe Jayhawk or 2011's island. All three of us. Who's he going to kill? What would that feeling be like going through your head?

Man, which one of us would make it on Jayhawker's island? We already know which one won't, Jason. What? I'm pointing at... What? You're pointing at me. It wasn't just me who pointed. Andy pointed as well. You're both pointing at me and you're so wrong.

You're very surprisingly athletic. I am surprised. I know I'm the fat one. Okay, what are... I know you're surprisingly athletic. How are your tree climbing skills currently?

My current tree climbing skills are I would say subpar because i am very confident that i could shimmy to the top of the really yes really you got the strong inner thigh yes whoa you're going you're holding on to that bark with your thighs well i'm picturing yeah it's a dedication to i mean so clearly jason doesn't know how to climb a tree the soles of my shoes will be on the i guess I was picturing a palm tree. You've got to go feet in. Yeah.

And some thighs. But you can't hide in a palm tree. This is not a good place to be. Dude, I see you. You're just sitting on the... Don't shake the tree. Do not shake the tree. Start pooping some Froot Loops.

Yeah. One coconut. Two coconuts. At leasting some Fruit Loops. Yeah. One coconut. Two coconuts. At least you have weapons. And a mic. And you're dead because you just fell 30 yards. If you've got to clear this island out, I imagine you want to go after the lean ones first. Use your energy when you've got it.

And then the other ones will tire out. I'm imagining. You'll probably find them in the various rivers, in caves. Expired. So you think you don't even have to hunt the fat ones? Look, they're lazy. They've got no skills or talents in life. You're reading into my answer.

After about four to eight hours, they will die. Four to eight hours, they'll expire. Because they're so fat. The question says. I feel fat shamed here, Andy. I didn't say it. Do I hunt the slow fat ones was the question. Yeah.

Our listeners. Listen, Jay Hawker. Come on. Oh, my goodness. I feel fat shamed. So no answer. No good answer. No defined scientific analysis.

I have, like Jason said, I don't know the taste of human meat, so I cannot comment. If you could confirm that the taste of the lean ones was much better than the taste of the fat ones, would you prioritize your taste? Or is this like a vegetable situation? Explain. When you sit down with Ma and Pa. We're animals, Mike. We're not vegetables. No, no, no.

I understand that. But my analogy here is when you sat down for family dinner and it was, okay, you have to eat everything that's on your plate or you're not getting the slice of pie. Were you a person that started with the vegetables? That's exactly right. That's what I mean. The thing you don't want to eat, you get it out of the way. How do you not go with Lucky Charms for this analogy? So wait, the-

You save the marshmallows for last. Are the charms the thin ones, and then the slow fat ones are the non-charms? What do they call the non-charms? Marsh- Oh. The marshmallows or- The non-marshmallows? Yeah, what do they call them?

I think they call those garbage. Like, you know what we found out if you put marshmallows in this garbage people will eat it they're actually just cheerios yeah that's pretty close they just smash them to different shapes though right so the question is mike did you how did you eat your lucky charms uh i didn't have lucky charms in my household oh my god that was not allowed by my did you ever go spend the night at someone's house? Oh yeah. And then get in on the Lucky Charms?

I did. Wakes up at three in the morning, sneaks downstairs. Here's the difficult part of this question. It's just one. I am frequently ridiculed for my bad food takes. Yeah. So I'm trying to hold a bad food take back right now. Let us have it.

Lucky Charms suck. Oh, come on. They are terrible what they are bad they are they are when it comes to when it comes to a sugar cereal you're you're you're making my point for me that there are marshmallows and then there's garbage oh my when you can get a complete no everything is great you want you would like a marshmallow for every like three of the garbage, and it's a perfect proportion.

You don't know good without bad. So the marshmallows can't be great unless you have the bad, but the marshmallows are lifted up by the lowly awfulness of the non-mallows. You're talking to Fruit Loops fan over here. Yeah. That's his favorite cereal in the world. Everything in Fruit Loops is great. We've got to have a cereal draft or a food draft

so that the world can see how bad Mike's food takes are. Mike's food takes are the worst. Speaking of which, we have some awesome new segments coming up in the next few episodes. Definitely check them out. But we are going to be doing some head-to-head-to-head mock drafts of certain culture items that you like. Culture items.

And just in case there's some listeners. A lot of mold on them. Characters. There could be some listeners not aware of what a draft is. Maybe they're not a sports fan where we will take turns picking the best of the best, and then we will assemble a team, and you'll vote. That's what happened in the 70s, right, with the Vietnam? Yes, exactly.

A lot of people went to Canada. This is the darkest joke ever told on this show. A Vietnam draft joke? A Vietnam draft joke after the cannibalism question. Next question. What is happening? VoodooRageDDS, so he's a doctor. If I'm a vegan and I do CrossFit, which do I bring up first when I meet people?

Oh, man, that is tough. Oh, my gosh. You know, look, if you do CrossFit, this is who you are. But the vegans are the worst as well. Man, so if you do both. My thing is I'm actually. No disrespect to the actual vegans out there, but you're the worst as well. Man, so if you do both. My thing is I'm actually. No disrespect to the actual vegans out there, but you're the worst. No.

Well, I feel like I have joined the worst. Oh. Because we have. I don't know if you've noticed there's a movement that has replaced the vegans and the cross. Oh, it's the keto. It's the keto people. And I am firmly. I feel like I am a part of it.

Explain what keto is to those unaware of your actions. And just to interject, because of what Mike's saying, it's true. No one out there does not know what keto is. Because if you keto, you talk. First rule of keto is you talk about keto. Go on, Mike. It's the ketogenic. It's like vegan.

It's a diet where essentially. Except it's the exact opposite of vegan. Well, I'm just saying. I think vegans would argue it's not a diet. Vegans would argue. It's a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle. Well, keto is a bit of a lifestyle too.

I don't know if you know this. But breaking it down is essentially it's a zero or very low carb and higher fat style of diet. So you should have been instantly going after the slow fat ones. Yeah. You're thinking your keto you need that. Oh man. You got to get the high fat. Oh my ketones have been off the charts. Human avocado human induced ketones. Did you call them human avocados? Did you just refer to fat people as human avocados? I thought that one might have snuck through. Not letting that one go. I feel like you just called me an avocado, which I don't know.

I guess I'm not too disappointed with. For the record, it would be more of a bag of avocados. Thanks, bud. I thought we were saying, like, shape. I'm a pear shape. Right, a bag of avocados. Thanks bud. Though we were saying like shape. Yeah. I'm an app. I'm a pear. Right. A bag of avocado. Jason is the shape of a bag of. Sorry. You were talking all about your cool diet and how cool you are. Well I mean I apologize sort of because sorry not sorry. I'm a part of the new movement. We are. We are. We are. Yes. We are by far the most annoying trend in health and exercise that is happening.

The problem with these trends, the problem with both the CrossFitters and the vegans and the Ketos is that we feel like in this culture to like something and subscribe to it means you have to vilify everything else and give you, To like something and subscribe to it means you have to vilify everything else and give you, I don't need you to send me the 67 articles you read on Keto Friends magazine telling me why eating 600 pounds of hamburger meat every day is the key to your life. Yeah, you don't need an article. That's just delicious. You can know that just by living. L-I-V-I-N. So I would go with the CrossFit i'd tell i'd tell them about

the crossfit i feel like i don't hear about it as much the crossfit yeah i mean i see them everywhere just down down the street from our office there are three to four crossfit gyms gyms that i could walk to right now do you know what that means that the fact that you don't you don't hear about it a lot it means you don't know anybody that does crossfit maybe i know a lot of people that do cross no i don't know how i know because i tell you about it because they do crossfit because they do cross uh no mike is all about efficiency he's not going to use his ears to listen to those around him well that would be a waste of, that would be a waste of energy. That would be a waste of energy. That's absolutely true. Oh my goodness. I thought I was going to add something there, but I'm just going to go ahead and skip over. Let's move on.

Our favorite thing. I did see a person the other day. I was actually on the way to the gym. a person the other day. I was actually on the way to the gym. I work out. And I saw a person that was harnessed. This is in the middle of the street. Straight in the middle of the street. Driving down the street and he's harnessed to a tire.

Driving? I was driving. This person was not. He harnessed himself to a giant tire. And he was walking down the street with a tire strapped to his back did you drive by alvin camara uh in the nfl no i um and then i asked my trainer about it and he said it's a crossfit person that's a crossfit thing the tires hold on the tires are really on is your trainer anti-crossfit yes oh oh we got some trainer on trainer crime yeah yeah he is so is this i wonder

if this is a widespread thing people let me just say this for the public service announcement just like doctors are very anti he's anti-keto too by the way public service announcement if you participate in something do something like something it, you do not have to hate the other side. We can all love each other. I feel like you're saying this immediately after berating me for my food taste. Well, yours is stupid. Yeah. Yours is like, get out of town.

It's all about whether it's earned. Right. Exactly. Yeah. If you've earned. Right. I don't arbitrarily hate you, Mike. If someone looks like an avocado, you have an obligation.

All right. This is the My Opinion Matters Most segment, okay? So this is all about we're just continuing our ridiculous shaming of one another's opinions. Let's just find out more about us. What do we like? If you had to pick a fictional universe to live in what would it be so some examples would be star wars lord of the rings game of thrones whatever fictional universe mike it might be the blade runner universe he likes

dark morose long oh things yeah post-apocalyptic it's always raining there's neon signs everywhere eternal night i know this is going to shock people but uh the take uh on the the you know the worst movie of all time blade runner it didn't it didn't go over well people yeah i'm shocked about that we got some feedback from the podcast a few bad apples agreed with mike uh-huh. So I'll hop in here and say this. You can live anywhere. I love the medieval times vibe, especially with magic, right? Just like the real medieval times. Just like in the 1500s.

Back when Merlin was around. Right, exactly. Now you get me. I love that but i think something has happened recently that has precluded me from going what i appear that that to me is back in time i realized that we are right now living in the future we like growing up as a kid i just dreamed about like oh i'm I'm going to play a video game. But someday, someday I'll be like in the game.

And then I got an Oculus Rift and I'm in Skyrim and I can look around. It's like I'm on the holodeck of the Star Trek. And then I walked upstairs and I told my Alexa. I was like, Alexa, turn the lights on and it listened. My house is listening to me when I get out of my world video game and I can't undo tech. I can't get tech out of my life. So you want a fictional universe that moves forward.

I have to go to the future. I was going to say medieval times is trouble. You are dead. Everybody's dead. If you're not the king. But the king dies a lot. But the king dies. Yeah, you don't want to be king.

The queens all die. Everybody beneath the king dies. You just have to be the greatest swordsman. You have to be the wizard. Obviously. But the Game of Thrones universe, everybody dies. I think I want out of that. Yeah, no, thank you.

The Lord of the Rings universe, I feel like it's still pretty dark. I mean, it's still a tough time. You got people with hairy feet running everywhere. It seems like a delightful life to be a hobbit. If you live in the Shire? In the Shire. I know mine. I've got mine picked out.

Okay, let's hear it, Jason. It's excellent. Is it the Lego universe? Let me give you clues, and we'll see if the listeners can get the lego you know everything's that would be awesome that would be that's a great idea i could build whatever i want i would definitely be a master builder uh but no here i'm gonna give some clues see if you can get it um all right it's in the future okay okay. Okay. Space Jam. The world. No. Strike one.

The world is very safe. Super safe? I am. There's virtually no crime. Why is it safe? There's just no crime. People have become great. There's no terrible thing holding us down.

Meet the Robinsons future. Nope. Dang it. All right. I don't have a guess yet here's the guess here's a clue that i know it'll give it away from mike all the restaurants are taco bell oh every restaurant is demolition this is demolition man baby i mean if you you only have to watch out for wesley snipes one bad guy in the whole world but to be fair simon phoenix is a force

to be reckoned with dude i've got the future i get if i get in an accident in my car it's just gonna fill up with foam and i'm fine i love that's that's my that's my that's your fictional what do you you mean you like the you like the fashion what about the three seashells jason dude the three sheet the three seashells situation you don't know how to use the three seashells. When you're in the bathroom, somehow you have to clean yourself with three seashells. Only on a number two. I have never seen Demolition Man. I'm not surprised.

The uncultured swine. My movie takes are similar to Mike's food takes, apparently. Terrible. Well, the difference, though, is you just you i just haven't seen it i'm an uncultured yeah you somehow missed the the prime action movie era you seem to be mike the most conservative with your children in terms of movie watching yes of this group yes and yet you had seen all of these movies that definitely came out at the time when you were super young no we're talking high school age yeah demolition man

yes yeah oh you want me to i can vet it right now i didn't see it in the theaters i can tell you that like i couldn't even see jurassic park in theaters demolish demolition man was i was 10 years old when it came out i didn't see it when i first came out i saw it on the vhs plus the pg pg 13 thing was different back then yeah that's true pg meant people are gonna die blood's everywhere there's a lot of cuss words and boobies pg yeah they were in cartoons man i've i've gone back through the the netflix on the cartoons and you have to look at the date because if it's if it's pre-2000 there are some salacious things happening in these cartoons you do not want to watch an r-rated movie from that time nobody thought that there were salacious things back then you didn't realize it oh of course it's now that you realize

yes all right where are you i really admit that i've got to be space travel is kind of the one thing crucial for you that i'm missing that that's uh if if i could do anything in the world i want to explore the universe uh for my motion sickness would not allow me to do that i'm well aware of this spray i'm i'm well aware that being an astronaut was not in the car are there space allergies mike because you might need to look i've got it doesn't matter so i have them all so you are going space jay but is this correct michael jordan larry johnson it's a vanilla answer but i gotta go with star wars so you'd rather just for the for the fictional universe to live your life

and you'd rather be in the Star Wars universe than like the Star Trek universe? Yes. I feel like Star Trek universe is way safer. I totally agree. Like they're so buttoned up. They can transport themselves. They don't have to fly. The thing is, Star Wars has everything that this nerd boy needs,

space travel, future tech, and and lightsabers and lightsabers see there's just there's a lot going on track is the dad answer to this question because essentially in the star trek universe you are slowly flying around with very competent captains and then you can get a glass of earl grey tea at any time you need it are they competent uh there's a lot of a lot of lower level luke john luke's got it on lockdown a lot of Earl Grey tea at any time you need it. Are they competent? There's a lot of lower level. Jean-Luc's got it on lockdown. A lot of lower level people dying. Better be on that Enterprise.

You better not be a red shirt. All right, final question of this fine episode. By the way, don't forget to listen. Subscribe next week. Well, now. Subscribe now. Listen next week. If you do it in the reverse order, that's fine too.

What are your favorite moments from the cinematic masterpiece Titanic is the final question of the day. I've got some stories for this one. This is perfect from the previous question, considering some of the contents of this movie that were. Yeah, so we're exposed to my young teenage eyes. And those moments... And I do mean exposed.

I did not know were coming. You did not know they were coming? No, because I saw the movie with my parents. Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! So there is a particular scene involving art. Involving what? Art.

But my body. Please stop. But first of all, that scene is in there. And it. There we go. Oh, the windows are fogging up. Watching a movie like that at that age. So did your parents knew this?

Were they looking at you at the moment it happened? Well, it's I don't know. I look my peripheral vision completely shut off. I stare straight or do you stare down? Oh, no, you don't move. This is not how you don't move. And you you have to leave your body your soul has to transcend into a different place while this is happening because this is back then these

sour patch kids are very delicious i mean the only there's no internet you don't know what's about to happen you know you only know because your friends told you that this was in the movie that was the one part where that was very unfortunate. The actual fun part was towards the end of the movie. Uh, it, the, the ship sinks and I know, I know, I'm not to upset anybody, but you know how the one half of the ship eventually flips up in the air and there are just people falling, just to their doom. Oh, yeah. Well, I start making noises like, ooh, ah, ooh. And I get my mom to just lose her crap in the movie theater.

So my very conservative Midwestern mother is laughing hysterically at these bodies falling. At these bodies flying. When the one pings off the propeller. Oh, that's the best part. Oh, man. My mom was dying. Give me the sound that you made when that hit the propeller. I think I went with, that's going to leave a mark,

or something of that effect. Boing. Oh, man. That's pretty funny. So you went right into comedy mode on your first viewing of that. Yes. You were. And that's really become a tradition for me.

Anytime I see people getting. You should have watched me and John Wick. Okay. Just ping pong. No, here's the deal. Where. Booyah, booyah, booyah. I apparently transformed this.

But my friends and I in high school school we would intentionally go to movies we have already seen find the most inappropriate part to laugh at and we would laugh hysterically just the jerks ruining the movie for everyone else yeah i was in i was a high school we all did stupid things in high school and And that's what we did. So lots of looks from people. Oh, my goodness. I have one particular story that I'm going to hold back for now. You're not allowed to do that.

Because I was going to tell it, but then I realized how bad it actually is. So you're going to vet it. I'm going to hold it back for then I realized how bad it actually is. And I'm going to. So you're going to bet it. I'm going to hold it back for now. So listen to the next episode. Next episode, we might have Mike's really bad story. Jason, do you have any kind words or thoughts for our listeners before I shut down the show? Yes. Thank you all for listening.

We welcome you as part of this community that we are building. Look, we're just three dads having fun trying to make the week more entertaining. Ping pong. And you know, we're so thankful that you guys listen. Please subscribe. Drop a five star rating. We'll read some on the show here

in a minute. In a couple weeks. Very similar to a minute. Yeah, it's like the opposite of a New York minute. It. Very similar to a minute. Yeah, it's like the opposite of a New York minute. It's like a New Mexico minute. Yeah. It just takes forever. Yeah, like Blade Runner.

Yeah. Oh, got him. It's not long enough. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Yeah, I am convinced that you, Blade Runner... Blade Runner... What?

Sympathists. Sympathists. Sympathizers? Would have it, yeah, sympathizers would have it about 10 hours long. Yeah. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitball'sPod.com.