Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 10: The Best and Worst Pranks and a Seriously Evil Mock Draft - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

Today's episode is pretty funny as the guys start out tackling a number of great questions including the horrible question of "Is a hotdog a sandwich?" As usual, the Spitballers are forced to choose what they would rather have in ridiculously funny "Would You Rather" questions. Of course the show concludes with a seriously evil mock draft that might just give you nightmares.  Be sure to review this funny podcast and follow the show on twitter @SpitBallersPod. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in to another Spitballers. Oh, yeah. That wasn't a spitball. That was a fireball. What are you doing over there?

I'm getting the people amped. I'm amped. You got me amped. You succeeded. My goodness. Our logo is very orange, Mike. Orange is the color of fire. Therefore, fireballs are appropriate.

I'm surprised you didn't know that. Well, fire can be all kinds of colors. Of what, Mike? Of all kinds of colors? Yeah. Just because there's blue flame? Yeah. Red flames, there's blue flames.

Is that all kinds of colors? Yes. It's the temperature of the fire. So you're talking about Variants of orange Is considered all kinds Would you say that the sky Is all kinds of colors

Well technically yes But I would say that It's not variations of orange What about grass is grass all kinds of colors Yeah you don't have dead grass That's brown in your backyard Mike will lean into whatever he said. It's not

orange because orange is a variant of red. Okay. Not where I expected the beginning of the show to come. Primary colors? It's been a long time since kindergarten, Mike. Did Mike end up losing the poll? I'm not going to give the details, but did he lose the poll? Yes. Okay, so that explains

all of this. Yes! So Jason, welcome into the Spitballers podcast on Twitter at SpitballersPod is where you can find us. It's where you can submit questions for the show today. We've got great question. That's what it says. We've got great question. Yeah, that's what it says.

It says great question at the top. We're answering some great questions, Mike. We've got would you rather. We've got review a source, and we have a draft to end all drafts. A little bit evil. Let's put it that way. It's a little bit evil. You're going to love it.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Hopefully you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts, despite the fact that this show docs is iTunes. Hopefully you're over on Apple Podcasts. And Google Podcasts. Man. You are just... fact that this show docs is itunes hopefully you're over on apple podcasts and google podcasts and you're just just whoever made this doc they have been absolutely bodied well you know do

better whoever that is shows come out every monday i'm very excited for today's show and you know who else was who the uh kind soul that left us this fine review. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from GWAC. Hilarious, weird takes, and genuinely entertaining five stars. This podcast is a combination of bad dad jokes. Yeah. Like, bad jokes?

Apparently they're bad. Hilarious takes on random things in life. And interesting mock drafts that will make you question what you actually prefer. I've had similar mock draft with my friend after, with my friends, with my friends after listening to this show. And it's great debating the relevance of, say, ketchup versus barbecue sauce. Keep it up, boys. Well, GWAC, I think your take on our dad jokes is whack. But otherwise, thank you for that five-star review.

Well done there, Andy. We always appreciate those, and you can leave us reviews at the push of a button on your Apple Podcasts app. Let's get into it. That's a great question. Indeed it is, Chris Payette from the website. What is the best prank that you have ever pulled on someone, and how does that compare to the best prank ever pulled on you?

Pranks are dangerous business because there is a line that can be crossed, and I just don't like any pranks played on me that cost me my time yeah that's what comes to that was the first thing that came to mind i was sitting there racking my brain i'm like oh oh shoot do i have prank story and then i remember this one time this one time at our former business where i actually pranked andy and he was not a fan at all. I love that you've done it enough to where I don't even know which ref. I think I know which one you're going for.

Oh, no, I know where he's going. So he wasted your time. Before you get into it, Jay, I just want to set the context. I was an employee. A mighty fine employee. Thanks. You wouldn't know it from this story. Every single time, Jason walked by my desk. Oh, mm-hmm. A mighty fine employee. Thanks. You wouldn't know it from this story. Every single time Jason walked by my desk.

Oh, this is good. He would take whatever drink I had on the desk and finish it. Whether I had a can of soda, whether I had a fresh drink from the convenience store, whether I had a bottle of water, if I had anything at all that he had provided me via the company's fridge or my lunch. It had to be in one go. But one container, he would just take it off my desk. Every time

he walked by, it was never planned. It was just convenient. It was my burden to bear. Sometimes it was really annoying to me. You were so hydrated that year. And he would just drink it dry. The thing about the prank is you had an open invitation to do whatever you wanted. I was afraid every single time.

He was my boss, Mike. Every single time that I walked by, I'm wondering, am I about to chug ocean water here? Is this just going to be salt water or something disgusting? Oh, I'm not even going. I'm going X-lax. Are you going murder me? No, I'm going somewhere where... Oh, I'm thinking...

No, I didn't say poison. I was thinking that was like a Drano. X-lax is like a make it diarrhea. Yes, to the point of... He didn't need any help. He would... If you chose to stay quiet about it, he would never know that. You think I want him to have an explosive diarrhea like eight days a week?

Yeah. He was my boss. You don't have to do it every day. I would do it now. Yeah, you would. No, that wasn't the one that came to mind. The one that came to mind was Andy. Oh, man, it was such a great time for him.

His first child on the way, takes paternity leave, has gone for a couple of weeks. Wonderful, wonderful thing. We love our children. We love our families. And I had to give him something as a gift for having his first child. And so we pulled together as an office. Honestly, people came together.

Now, hold on. Did you do this twice? I don't remember. Because it had to have been each child. Because it happened for the second child. It was the second child. I was employed. I may or may not have been involved. The first child they just called Cletus.

That's right. How's Cletus doing? He's good. The second child is the one that this happened. That's why you were there, Mike. While you were gone, we had about... Glad to know you were an accomplice. We had about 30 employees with a lot of people.

Team building activity. You want to know what happens when you have a lot of people in an office. You accumulate a lot of garbage, a lot of trash, a lot of Amazon empty boxes that need to get taken out. We need to fill dumpsters. Old chairs.

Oh. I mean, so what we did. Old furniture. Is we turned his office into our garbage can, and we filled this thing. To the roof. Floor to ceiling. You couldn't open the door. It was, there were broken chairs.

Welcome back, Andy. Ladders, everything. So he gets back and really needs to get going to get to work uh you know i think you took a little too much time off you know as your boss yeah no uh but it took you a while to clean that clean that room out but he would he didn't find it funny he didn't come in and laugh and then get going on the the clear out he came in and was instantly just one. One of the other employees had the heart to help me clean that room.

Was that Jay? And it wasn't Mike. No, I had work to do business business. Thank you, Mike, for your hard work. I still remember one time I was a teenager and I had gone on a,

uh, you know, you go on like a retreat and I went on one with church and it was like the youth pastor and all the kids went. And so this was, this was prank time for everybody. And I remember we had broken into some of the other kids' rooms and covered them in shaving cream while they were sleeping, and that was the gag. But I still remember what was done back to me, which was at that time I was wearing a retainer every night, and someone had filled my retainer case with cheddar cheese oh no so when i went

to put it in in the morning not only it hadn't it had just absorbed uh like eight to ten hours of cheese like you can't get that cheese taste out of your retainer but isn't that then a good thing no no no that now you You wore different retainers, Jason. What sticker was ornamenting your retainer? I didn't have a sticker. You didn't get one? Just a blue retainer. Oh, man.

I ran the gamut. Well, I'm sure. You had the upgraded retainers. Yeah, you did. You were Richie Rich. I had a purple retainer with a Phoenix Suns logo. I wish I had that. No, mine was the cheddar cheese.

The cheddar cheese logo. That is such a good prank. For the record, I was pissed off at that one, too. Yeah. Moral of the story. I have not taken any of these well. I think the moral of the story is that we need to continue to prank Andy until he sees the value and the loved nature of being pranked. And one that went wrong for me with my brother at a young age was all of them.

But specifically, I remember he... I thought this was a prank I should do or whatever you want to call it. He was looking into a... For whatever reason, he was looking into a toothpaste container to see how much toothpaste was left. And I thought it would be funny to hit the back of his hand, in which case he jammed the toothpaste and the toothpaste computer into his eye. That cost my parents money with the doctors.

Oh, he had to go doctor? Oh, this was just not good. Was he rocking an eye patch for a week? He had the least amount of cavities anybody's ever had in their eye. Mike? Oh, well, number one. I don't know why I say number one because I will not spread pranks because they are dumb.

They are ridiculous. They are a scab, an oozing infected scab upon our civilized society i think having having said that look the one filling someone's office with stuff that's fine if if there's a way to prank someone that does not involve just blatant lying to their face, then that I will – I don't approve? You accept the stapler in the jello. Yes. I may accept that.

But what I don't like about pranks is when someone feels like they have gotten one over on you because they lied to you. And the only thing that you accomplished was that this person trusts you. A betrayal of trust. And whatever you tell them, they take it and say, oh, this is factual information. And your way of being hilarious is lying to them. Our society cannot be built upon a foundation of lies. It is a foundation of trust.

If you want to put the stapler in the jello, you're a buffoon, but whatever. Fine. But if you think that you are so smart and hilarious and clever that by lying to someone and you make them feel bad

or feel scared, you have accomplished nothing. Andy. Well, maybe you have a stronger opinion about this next question. Unless you were. You know, I just wanted to ask. Have I forgiven you? No. No, no, no.

I don't care about that. You want to prank Mike soon? Of course I do. All right. We'll plan something. Just remember. Well, you got pranked. I mean, you got pranked.

Yeah, I will not give him the satisfaction of repeating what the prank was. Okay. If he ever listens to this podcast. But remember, if you are to prank me, no one can hold a grudge or plan revenge. More than Mike. Like me. Yeah. Five years, you may never be speaking to me again.

All of a sudden, something terrible will happen. Just remember. He will be cackling in the corner. Every single person on every single medium, Twitter, Facebook, the website, YouTube, has this very important question to ask, and we have a very important answer to give, because it's a great question.

It's an important question. Is a hot dog a sandwich? No, a hot dog is not a sandwich. I don't even know if we disagree on here, but I know for a fact it's not a sandwich. Yeah, I mean, look, I didn't want to put this question in because there's a, I mean, this is a podcast you listen to be entertained. Is the sky up? And it's like, what, do we want to have questions with one word answers? But so many people need to know that a hot dog it's not a sandwich

are we in agreement here is there any the thing is if you're going to ask this question now we got to start asking for definitions what is a sandwich i have the simplest answer on what a sandwich is okay it's also how the human language works mike a sandwich is. Okay. It's also how the human language works, Mike. A sandwich is something we've called a sandwich. Hmm. No one has ever called a hot dog a sandwich and said, hey, hand me another one of them sandwiches

over there. And then somebody goes, oh, you mean this hot dog? Yeah, that's what I meant. No, we call sandwiches sandwiches. You want to know what a sandwich is? Think of everything you've ever actually called a sandwich. That's a sandwich. But what makes it a sandwich?

That's not important. All right, let me ask this then, Andy. Two pieces of bread. Okay. Meat. Cheese. No, meat is not necessary. Cheese is not necessary.

Two pieces of bread. Contents in between. Done deal. Well, you just described a hot bread, contents in between, done deal. Well, you just described a hot dog, though. No, no, no. A hot dog is in a bun. What about a hamburger? If you put four hot dogs on a piece of bread and then another piece of bread on top,

I will call that a hot dog sandwich any day of the week. Yeah, I can get behind that. Okay, so what happens if I take a hot dog bun and I just fill it with roast beef and cheese what am I eating a strange amalgam of humanity that would be a that would be a sandwich why because a sandwich has sliced I think a sandwich has sliced meat or cheese that's what makes a sandwich is a taco a sandwich Mike what if you took a taco and you put a bunch of meat and cheese inside of it? I think not because... What about a soft taco?

Because a taco is made with a tortilla. Okay, so... That's the devil. I'm not on one side or the other. Andy's rolling his eyes like I can't see him. I just can't handle this world. What, the world? I'm actually taking the question seriously.

Look, it's a good question because it makes us question... It's the hot dog meat, too World War? I'm actually taking the question seriously. Look, it's a good question because it makes us question. It's the hot dog meat, too. Okay, so you're saying that the innards is what defines it not being a sandwich. I mean, what is the actual hot dog? You can have a hot dog without a bun. Yes, absolutely true. So if you say you're having a hot dog, you're excluding the bun in your description. And if you have a ham and cheese roll-up... That's called

a ham snack. It's called a ham snack. Is that what it was in your house? Yo, Mike, you want another ham snack? That's called... Put me up with a ham snack, bro. That's called Mike is done for the day and I am not going to prepare dinner

so I am eating a ham snack. And you make ham snacks for the kids? I would if they would eat them. Let me ask this. Is there any way to disprove this definition of what a sandwich is? Sliced meat or cheese between bread. Yeah, there's a problem there. Meatball sandwiches, tuna fish sandwiches, other contents.

You know it's true. Sliced chunks of grilled chicken. Meatball is perfect because I feel like normally a meatball sub, that's just a really big hot dog bun cut open and with meatballs in it, and now it's a sandwich. There are many meatball places that do not cut all the way through so that you can kind of contain the meatball. Yeah, that's what I mean.

And if they mix hot dog in, ooh, what if you put chili in that thing? That crosses the line because you could have hot dogs in that chili. Oh, yeah, it's called a chili dog. Oh. It's pretty common. Normally that chili's on top of a full dog. Sure. All right, we better move on.

Would you rather? Look, we wouldn't call it a great question, Mike, if we got anywhere with it. It's very important. I'm all over here. I'm just trying to get into the science of it. I don't want to. Look, you did. You brought up some great scientific assessments.

I don't want to just throw out a real strong opinion of, it's not a sandwich. And then you've got to have factual evidence to back up your reasoning. At Brent Gromaski says, would you rather only eat one flavor of ice cream forever or only get to choose one topping for your pizza forever? I am the wrong person to ask this question. Why? Because he's a man of routine.

Because I am a man of routine. I eat two ice cream flavors. Wow. No. Yes. Come on. Vanilla? No.

What? No. You eat two ice cream flavors and one isn't vanilla? Chocolate. Gross. Gross. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Chocolate is not gross. You just called chocolate ice cream gross? And you're over here defending vanilla? Chocolate ice cream is an abomination. It is. Your vanilla ice cream, what's on top of it? Anything and everything. Exactly.

Exactly. So you're defending an ice cream that you have to cover probably in chocolate. Oh, no, no, no, no. In sprinkles. You give me a vanilla soft serve. I don't need anything on that. But you put things on it. It works great.

And you make fun of Andy for being old? Vanilla ice cream man over here? You're telling me you don't go to McDonald's and get the little 99 cent soft serve? Yeah, the chocolate. Oh, gross. So I eat chocolate, or if I'm at Cold Stone Creamery, I will go with the sweet cream. So you don't have anything in it or on it? The sweet cream I do. The sweet cream, you got to go chocolate and peanut butter.

But if it's just a standalone ice cream, I'm going chocolate. And if I'm going with pizza, I can live with pepperoni for the rest of my life And be a very happy person So you really just don't care about either of these You're like give me vanilla and pepperoni He's like I would actually take both of those forever See I love And I win the question

Ice cream is the one thing where you can stack things on top of it And at each level it's just as delicious A plain vanilla ice cream Delicious Put something on top of it, good. Put two things, good. Three, good. Mix it together, good. Ice cream is good. That is my final answer. Now what happens if you

put a hot dog in it? You've got a sandwich. You've got an ice cream sandwich. I wondered about this question because for those of you that don't know, which is probably everybody listening, Andy is a legitimate ice creamaholic. Fiend.

He has an ice cream problem. He can eat a half gallon of ice cream a day or maybe just a sitting. This is not a joke. I went to a ice cream place last night with my sister, and I paid over $12 for my serving of ice cream. Impressive. That's the $12? Yes. Did you get three helpings?

Some may say so, and it's funny because I got about halfway through it. By your definition. I got about halfway through it, and I go, boy, this is a lot more than I thought it was. But, of course, I finished it. I mean, it was just an assessment of the time it was going to take me. What is your take on things like adding fruit to ice cream? No, thank you. Yeah, get out of here with that stupidity.

So what are you even trying to do? I'm just like a banana split. My wife does that and I hate her. Just kidding, baby. I love you. Of course, you probably haven't seen this movie, but I wanted to know if you feel like you could eat the Ziggy Piggy from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

What's on there? It's an absolute mountain of, you should Google it so you can take a picture of this. Because while you don't know Bill and Ted, the rest of the entire known universe knows Bill and Ted because we watch great movies. Oh, wow. So cheesecakes on it.

Talk through what's on it. Churros on it. Looks like there's some apple in there. Oh, that's good. Some different fruit. Okay, so let me ask. That looks pretty fun. Let me ask this one.

That looks like a fun time. Do you think you could take down the Ziggy Piggy? Oh. Do I kind of take down the Ziggy Piggy? Ziggy Piggy. I would say I don't think so because there's just too much. Cheesecake's too rich. There's too many toppings.

You've got to put me in an environment where I'm eating the majority of my bites of ice cream and I will do anything. I will do anything. All right, so speaking of the ice cream and the question, just for clarity, if I pick one flavor of ice cream, do I still get toppings? Or, like, I'm just, that's it. I'm living the toppingless life. No toppings.

I think that's trying to avoid from what the question really was. I could honestly just eat cheese pizza for the rest of my life. I could too. I don't have to have anything on it, so I would take the one pizza topping and then just I can mix and match my ice cream. I'm going to go pepperoni and I'll live the crazy ice cream life. At Patrick Fenton. Oh, I just got a little feeling.

I could feel some of the evil from later in the show. Oh, did you feel it? I thought dark in here. I thought you, uh, had a bit of a problem or you had a, something going on with Patrick Fenton.

Oh no. What did that make you think? Maybe he's an evil, evil villain. I saw the underscore on your Twitter handle. I need you guys to end. I need you guys to end a decade-long debate which superpower is better would you rather have the ability to teleport to anywhere at any time or the ability to fill it up i have never heard this meaning that you can fill anything that is empty from an empty soda can to an empty bank

account fill it up i've never heard of the fill it up ability never heard that's a great ability i've never heard of this but it sounds let's carry the implications because i i need to know the value of fill it up since i've never consulted this in my life you can fill up a bank vault i get it gas money oh yeah never i'm not stopping on my drive to California. Fill it up. You're hungry. You're nowhere near food. Gas is irrelevant.

Fill up my tummy. The gas is irrelevant if you can teleport anywhere. You don't need gas. So that's not a good point. That's a pretty good counterpoint. But with the food, you can fill up your belly. Yeah. I like eating.

No thanks. But I'm just saying, but what if you're somewhere and there's no food and you're starving? All right. So you could teleport to a remote place, but then you wouldn't have the fill-it-up ability to get your food. Yeah. I feel like if you want to have the same success in life that a fill-it-up life can bring you with the teleportation, you have to be a little evil. You've got to teleport in the bank vault, take stuff out of the bank vault. What about this?

I'm trying to think of what else I want to fill up that is currently empty. All of your opponents, your enemies, they're all pee pants. What? You're filling up their hands? I filled up their empty bladder to the point where it will burst.

Fill it up. Wait, you're going to burst them? No. No, it won't burst because they're going to pee their pants. Oh, okay. So your goals here are just... I'm just trying to think of things that are empty. So you can fill bladders.

Of course. Fill it up. Hmm. Wow. You could travel. Here's something. You could technically travel very, very long distances in space. Are we talking about teleporting?

Yes, anywhere at any time. You could teleport to Pluto. You could go. If you got a space suit. And then you would be dead when you got there. You could fill up anything with oxygen, right? Your space suit could be filled with oxygen at all times. Yeah.

I think I'd take the fill it up. That would just be. You could fill up your body with antibodies against whatever diseases come in your way? Ooh. Really? Does that work? I don't know about that. It's got to be empty, right?

Yeah. You got to fill up something that's empty. Oh, okay. See, I don't think that one works. That's a problem. That is a problem because your friends probably don't have completely empty bladders. Right after they pee, they do. Oh, that's when you get them.

You stand by the bathroom. You make them make them pee infinitely oh they're never stopping they're never getting out of the bathroom what a loser you what are you gonna pee the rest of your life away i mean yes have you seen and it all comes this is the weirdest turn i could ever imagine is that mike's goal of the fill it up ability after just permanently making his enemies pee. After I just proclaimed war on pranks. Yeah, I was just saying, everybody who's ever pranked Mike is peeing for days. So wait a minute. So this means that you probably are fine pranking your enemies because you said you worry about the betrayal of trust.

But if you already don't trust the person and you don't need them to trust you, you have no problem pranking enemies. Like I said, I'm not lying to them, though. They're just got a full bladder. That's their problem. That's not my problem. I'll take teleportation. The allure of the bank account is pretty nice.

But then if you fill up an empty bank account, how long until the man is knocking at your door going, Where's this money from? We're going to need some proof of where this money is coming from. They're going to think you're a criminal. And with the teleportation, it wouldn't even matter if you are a criminal. Go ahead, arrest me. I'm out. See ya.

See ya. I mean, I think I might pivot here. I have always thought of the X-Men, which power would you like to have, but also throwing in the idea that you have to then be that person. So teleportation's amazing. You want teleportation, you've got to be Nightcrawler.

Yeah, that sounds good. And Nightcrawler is not someone who fits in in regular society. Right. So, okay, because Patrick Fenton, who got Andy all hot and bothered, is wanting to settle a decade-long debate, I feel like we need official answers from the three of us. Teleportation. I'm going to go teleportation.

Because it's time, too, and we didn't even bring that up. Go back in time, forward in time. So that means, Mike, your vote is irrelevant. Why could you go back and say you could do that? I think so. Teleport to anywhere at any time. Oh, gosh. That's the winner.

All right. I'm going to teleport. Josh Wilson on Twitter wants to know, would you rather have your head be one third the size or three times the size? I know Mike's answer. Because if I take my head and go down to one third of the size, then my head is close to normal size. Mike has a big head that has been made bigger in a lot of Photoshop pictures that I've sent his way. I feel like it's got something to do with cameras. Because when I look in the mirror, my head is a normal size. But then as soon as someone takes a photo of me, my head is gigantic.

Okay, I need to make a note. We need to be tweeting out some of these photos. And then with the tag of shopped or not. And people have to see, was this photograph photoshopped or not? We'll tell them because there are some where we enlarge your head and it looks ridiculous. But there's a couple pictures out there where we go, what happened to your head?

Like you look normal right now. But there are photographs where we go, what happened to your head? It's huge. I got to go down by one third. I'm going to go up. I'm taking the three times ahead. I got to figure my brain is three times bigger then. But does that make you smarter?

Yeah. A bigger brain means smarter? No. I thought Einstein had like a tiny brain or something. No. No? Okay. I just made that up.

A tiny brain? I just made that up. A tiny brain? I feel like, you know, if I had three times the size of the head, then I get to be like a real-life NBA Jam character. And I think that carries some pretty big value. Okay. There's something that's going on here with Google. Google is listening to us because I just went and I thought,

okay, I'm going to see what animal has the biggest brain. I type animal with largest. It auto fills in brain. No, that can't be the number one search. Look at my computer right now. It wants to put brain in. Google? What is happening?

Get out of my head. Mr. Google, stop listening to me. If your head is one-third the size, will Google not be able to hear your thoughts? Protection. And the answer is a sperm whale. Which one do you think hurts you most? Let's say we were all single men once again,

and we were looking for a mate. Which one hurts us more from a dating perspective? The itty-bitty baby head or the enormous head? I feel like it has to be the big head. I mean, three times. You got to remember, three times is big. Yeah. Or small.

I mean, it is. Either way, you're pretty much screwed here. But I think when you walked me through that. Think about the kisses that you're given in both scenarios. How big is your mouth? Imagine what you could eat. While you walked me through that, and I'm going, okay. Throw me another camel.

A third the size of your head. Okay, that would look a little bit weird. Very weird, yeah. Your dating life's probably not going to be the best. But then as soon as I thought what would actually happen to a three times larger... How do you even hold it up? What's going on with your neck? I imagine you've got the structures in place to keep that thing up.

You're not dragging your head around. That would make the case really easy. No, I'm not. Because I'm taking the one-third size head. I'm taking it too. But we're going to look like the Koopa Troopas from the Super Mario movie. I was thinking Beetlejuice. All the shrunken heads.

Ah, yeah. Yeah, we've exhausted this question. The Spitballers Draft. All right, today I said we're going to get a little evil, and we are. We're going to draft villains. We'll have to, what do you want to do, three rounds of villains or four? We've got to go four. There's so many.

All right. And who picked first? Mike picked first, so now Jason's got the first pick. Yeah, Jason's up first, which I find fantastic. Yeah, I don't see it go away. Because there is no clear, easy number one pick. There are two clear winners. Sure, that's false, but all right.

No, there's absolutely two. Good point, but you're wrong. Have to be the first two taken, and I can't even decide which one. But, you know, look, it's too classic. It's too big. It's in too many movies to not take it. I think the 101 with my first pick, I got to go Darth Vader. Okay, solid.

Darth Vader is a classic. You know his whole story. He's got powers. That's the smart 101. And I get all the Star Wars fans voting for me. Yeah, we'll see where those demographics cross over. We'll see how many Star Warsers are spitballers. Star Wars fans are everywhere. That's true.

That's true. I got the second pick. I'm going to go with the Joker. Yeah. I'm taking the Joker. That was the second. He's been portrayed in a variety of ways. He's a compelling

villain in all circumstances. He spans a large range of time. And I think he's my number one. I got the Joker. We'll give you all the Jokers. You get all the Jokers. We know who the best Joker is. That's what I was going to say.

The Dark Knight Joker. It's Heath Ledger. Yeah, Heath Ledger. Jack Nicholson was very good. He was great. Yes. But I think the Joker as a character in its entirety is such a... Like, if you picture a villain in your head instantly,

I feel like you picked Joker before you do Darth Vader. Well, I didn't. So there's that. All right, Mike, you're number one. Going through... There's a lot of guys I like. I'm trying to figure out what is the standout trait for the best villain. Sure. So many ways you make your case.

Is it just raw power? Right. Is it the deeds that they did when they were the villain? Oh, man. I'm going to. I'm glad we had the first two picks. Yeah, I told you there were two clear cut winners. That was the one you were deciding between.

Yeah, it was. Oh, my goodness. All right. Then I'm going to take. I'm going to take the T-1000. Oh. From Terminator 2, who is an absolutely unstoppable force unless you have what it was a liquid nitrogen that was the thing that finally brought it down but can go through walls can turn into anything he wants to

be see i don't kills without emotion very very intimidating villain i don't feel like the t1000 is a villain because to me a super important part of a villain is their evil. And he's a robot. He doesn't want to take over the world, does he? He's just on a mission to hurt one person. He's killing John Connor so that the robots can take over the world. Sure. But I just feel like they're emotionally vacant.

Yeah, that's interesting. I would say he's about 8% evil. Oh, 8% of the vote evil. I like it. I'll say he's about 8% evil. Oh, 8% of the vote evil. I like it. I'll say this. T-1000 didn't all of a sudden go, man, I need to be a good guy at the end of the movie. Darth Vader. Oh.

Look, T-1000 hadn't been through what Darth Vader had been through. Okay. You put the real world struggles, the real world struggles, the Vader. All right. You're up, Alright, I'm sticking with my evil theme. This is villains. What do you mean you're sticking with your evil theme? I mean, I'm going as far away from the T-1000 as

I can, and I'm taking Freddy freaking Kruger. Alright, not bad. I'm going to be in your dreams. I'm going to look disgusting and scary. That's a strong point for a villain. I mean, you did not want to see him. I got knives on my fingers.

Edward Scissorhands has nothing on me. Yeah. Okay. I think that's a good one. It's not bad. Can your knives grow? I don't think so. I mean.

Because T-1000, his arm can turn into a growing blade. Okay. Can your knives grow? I don't think so. I mean. Because T-1000, his arm can turn into a growing blade. Okay, I see what you did there. I'll get the nail clippers out. I have a number of choices that I'm content with here, but I'm going to take Sauron. I'm going to take the all-seeing eye. I'm going to take the one that makes the darkest Mordor.

Just the weight of Sauron can torture, it can put you in that evil state as it summons the ring. I am going Sauron. I feel like I will be able to see what's going on. I feel like I don't even know what Sauron can do. Yeah. I know that he can see you when you have the ring on, but what else can Sauron actually do? Well, I mean, just think of who fought for sauron he's a very compelling speaker he's just he's a like a really big

telescope there are in fairness is a very good how evil can a telescope really be uh look in the very beginning of those when you put it like that he's like out there battling right in the very beginning yeah i mean he began years ago yeah, he began when he wore the ring. So he was, at the beginning of the movie, then he gets his hand cut off or the fingers cut off? He came back as the great eye. Wow. And look, he is sinister.

He is fiery. I've seen the movies, and I somehow totally missed that part. I need to go back and watch The Lord of the Rings. All right, so you've got Sauron. Flashing in Frodo's mind. Yeah, I've got Sauron and the Joker. Mike, you're up. All right, this pick, because if you feel like my first pick wasn't evil enough,

I went off of power with my first pick. Don't you take it. I'm not going to take your pick but the second one i'm gonna go with someone who's just a depraved human absolute disgust should scare the crap out of you because of what they are able to do to other human beings hmm i'm intrigued i know who you're going with no you do not i bet i do go on this is interesting. Who you got? I'm going with the actual, the actual bad guy. Oh, you're talking real life. Terminator?

No. I'm going from the actual bad guy from Silence of the Lambs. Yeah, that's what I was going with. Hannibal Lecter. That's what I said. That was my next pick. You're like, you're not going to take us. He's not the actual bad guy.

Oh, you're taking. I'm taking Buffalo Bill. I'm taking the guy who wasn't locked up. I'm taking the guy who was taking humans and cutting off their skin and trying to make it into a jacket. Well, you were 100% correct. I was not going to take him. I'm going to take someone that's far worse. Far worse.

Was Buffalo Bill eating people? Because Hannibal Lecter sure was. Oh oh so now you're just taking hannibal yeah that was gonna be my pick i was so upset that he was taking him but i mean look at this darth vader freddy krueger and hannibal lecter uh stay stay away see hannibal is taking some people out but he didn't wear them he didn't he didn't hose them down when he they wouldn't put lotion on their bodies you guys just care of me yeah this this is uh joker sauron give me voldemort oh that's a i didn't even give me about voldemort give me i can't even say his name that was too late it's too late this, this is evil incarnate.

Wow, that's good. And terrible to look at. Wow. Able to come back and basically piece himself back together from death. Sauron and Voldemort. Like T-1000? Like Sauron. Yes, you're right.

Like Sauron. So I'm going Voldemort. I think that's a powerhouse. See, Voldemort, I don't know. Because Voldemort. He killed Harry's parents. And then. He think that's a powerhouse. See, Voldemort, I don't know because he, Voldemort, he killed Harry's parents and then he was split into a million pieces. He came back. He needed everyone

to do all the work. He put his soul in a bunch of horcruxes. Everyone did all the work because they were terrified. They couldn't even speak his name. But they had to do it. Joker, Sauron, and Voldemort is a very close second to Darth Vader, Freddy Krueger, and Hannibal Lecter. Two words.

Avada Kedavra. Okay. I don't know what you just said. He killed you with a killing curse. All right. Final pick, Jason. Final pick, me. How about we go to Mike for his third pick?

I was wondering if I... Oh, is he still in this thing? Not really. This is where he goes, no, I'm not going to go Scar from Lion King. I'm going the real bad guy, one of the hyenas.

Mike did not find that entertaining. No, no, because I'm over here trying to remember who my actual team is. Your team right now is the T-1000

and Buffalo Bill. Okay, so I only have two. My third pick, Bill Braske. Bill Braske. All right. Who do you got? So are we going for? Yeah.

All right. Well, then I'm going to go with a classic movie villain. He's taking people out when they go to summer camps. He's fighting Freddy Krueger, and he's winning. Yeah, I almost went with him. That's Jason Voorhees, the hockey mask himself who has i don't even know how many movies that jason vorhees has been able to handle and he does it all with a machete that's all that he gets he doesn't get these fancy freddy krueger dream tricks he just walks up on you and he handles the business in as a counterpoint to jason

as in uh you're jason isn't there a concern that he's only able to kill people on one night of the year yeah no because like friday around the 13th uh that sounds like someone who's never seen a jason vorhees movie that's that's. Yeah. It just seemed like a funny thing to say. Thanks for leaning in. The man went to space. What? Yeah. You're darn right he's taken out astronauts. He's Jason. He's everywhere. There was

a Freddy vs. Jason movie. Who won that one in 2003? Neither of them. Neither of them. This is tough because now I'm coming up for the final pick on the team, and there are several people that I want. There's three specifically that I just – and they're so different from one another. One is just a great character from a movie that I absolutely love.

One is another super evil, you know,'s just ah this is tough this is really tough but i think i'm gonna stay with my theme of the most horrific villains from terribly terrifying movies and i'm gonna stack freddy kruegerger and Hannibal Lecter with Pennywise. It himself. The clown of clowns. All right. I mean, you know, look, there's a reboot on the movie. That one's tough because the original movie with Tim Curry is not scary. I can tell you I've never seen it.

Nor have I seen the new one. I've heard tell. Just the concept of it. Nor have I seen the new one. I've heard tell. Just the concept of very evil. So it's the evil clown that gets you? Yeah. Look, people don't like clowns, and I think it's primarily because of Pennywise. I think it's primarily because of clowns. That's true.

And the people who become them. Yeah. It takes a special person. You know, no offense to all the clown folk out there. They're very talented. You're doing good work with all that. Handstands and juggles at the same time. Silly makeup on your face.

Impressive. All right, Andy, your fourth pick. You got the Joker. You got Sauron. You got he who shall not be named. And I'm closing it out with Hans Gruber. Oh, that was one of my great picks. Hans Gruber, the villain from diehard evil.

It's, it's fantastic. I want to argue against it, but it's, it feels difficult. I mean, there are a lot of choices out there, but he was the right one to make me well in, in opposition of him. Cause I'm trying to win the poll, he really was just stealing money. Yeah. What power did he have, Mike? He had the power of he was a good leader. He was a strong leader of men. I would say his biggest power.

You're underestimating his accent very much. His accent was devastating. That was definitely good. I would say that his biggest power was gravity because he fell off that building. Spoiler alert. Wait. alert wait spoiler so his power statute of limitations is over on die hard one his power which usually is something that i use to gain an advantage his power was the thing that took him out of this world a lot of times our biggest strength becomes our deadliest weakness. I'm just not following this. All right, I'm going to close with a villain that I think makes more sense the further along that we go

into the world of technology because we have these smart speakers listening to everything we say. We have Google over here listening to everything that we have to say.'s how 9 000 yeah well of course i'm with uncultured swine how 9 000 is how 9 000 is the computer from space odyssey which becomes sentient which locks percent is eight percent literally i'm writing this down and all I can think is, we're going to finally get Mike down there at 8%?

You can be cultured all you want. You're going to have like 5% of the vote. Oh, man, if he sets the new standard. I didn't know who that was. I didn't know who it was. Hal 9000? I don't think a lot of people are going to remember exactly who Buffalo Bill is. Yeah, you're done.

You're toast. Oh, I love it. Mike, are you scared? No. You're toast. Oh, I love it. Mike, are you scared? No. You should be. No, because I believe that we have cinephiles who listen to this podcast. Mm-hmm. About 5% of our audience. You're right.

What did we learn from today's episode? It's simple. Mike went too deep. Way too deep. Maybe. Maybe. What I learned from this episode is that we need to prank Mike. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

Mike, did you learn anything from today's show, or are you just kind of complete? I learned that Andy loves Patrick. That's true. Hot and bothered. It's going to be a fun poll. Thanks for tuning in to the podcast. Make sure you subscribe, tell your friends, hang out, and listen each and every week. Monday morning gets a whole lot better with the Spitballers.

See you later. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.