Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 100: Favorite Show Moments & Honey I Shrunk The Draft

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

EPISODE 100! They said it couldn’t & wouldn’t be done. And to be honest, we were never certain either. But thanks to your loyal support - the potty talk, dad jokes, & family friendly humor has prevailed. On today’s episode we take a look back at some of YOUR favorite show moments. We close this one out with a hilarious, brand new, mini-draft. Tune in! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

All right, I know you expected the show to start already. It's going to start momentarily. There will be a spectacular scat that is coming your way. I thought DMX was here the way you came in. But listen, before the show starts, I just wanted to say, head over to spitballerspod.com, click the Become a Spitwad button. That's how you become a supporter of the show. That's how you get access to the show early.

That's how you check out the spit tank where you can submit questions, would-you-rather questions, great questions, whatever, draft ideas. We turn to the Spitwads first. Head over to SpitballersPod.com, click the Become a Spitwad button, and now we can start the show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy in after that, Jason. What's that? How can you follow up greatness like that, Mike? Hey, great idea, guys. Let's do a group scat for episode 100. And I'll just take it right in the middle. Yeah.

It was all a trick on you, Mike. Try to come in after this. I was going to say, we really, Jason needed to be the caboose to that scat. Poor Mike. Poor Mike. Show 200.

We'll get a try again 100 episodes from now. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast, Danny, Mike, and Jason. Episode 100. Woo! Oh, we did it. We did it. Can you believe it, Al? Can you believe it? Al Borland with us. I never had any doubts we'd make it. No, no. I don't know if we did. I don't know if we really made it.

We certainly recorded 100 episodes. But this is a special, special episode for the spitwads out there. First of all, thank you so much for supporting this show. It's been a wild ride. It's been a lot of fun to see how much joy this random assortment of dad jokes has brought you on a regular basis. And thank you for supporting the pod. Thank you for all of the great ideas leading to amazing drafts and segments. It's been a blast, right? I mean, this has been... It's been something.

It's been something. It's been a lot of fun. I mean, look, when we took home you know the podcast awards best comedy show in the first year of that's true i would say we did something here i didn't even know that thank you thank you jason you're so humble um but yeah we are the funniest show of all time so we want to remind you of Remind you of that because today's episode is very special. Like I said, we have a brand new draft. It's called Honey, I Shrunk the Draft. You'll find out what that means. Oh, gosh.

It's going to be hard. At the end of this episode. It's going to be difficult. I'm nervous. But you'll find that out momentarily. But first, I want to remind you, you can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. Appreciate you following us over there. And on Instagram, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod.

All of the Spitwads supporting the show, we appreciate you. And everybody who's left a review, thank you. They are wonderful. They brighten my day every time I see somebody that is having a good time with the show. So today we're going to give you the highlights of 100 episodes and this is not some we just randomly pick one here there i mean al borland went to town on this he's been working on this for weeks so he's picked out uh some of the well first you asked the spit wads out there did you not out yeah we uh turned to the listeners and said,

hey, what are some of your favorite moments in Spitballers history? And the ones that got the most responses, we made a little montage for you. Yeah, so basically they picked them. Yeah, so if you don't like it, it's really your fault. That's all on you, man. So we've got some of our favorite moments from the last 100 episodes. And then stay tuned for right after that we're going to get into a brand new draft on today's show i am i am looking feverishly around my room

now trying to think for this draft i'm like oh no oh no i'm not prepared this is gonna be this is gonna be amazing all right let's jump right into the highlights and we're gonna kick it off with our first scat ever. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I feel like Mike went from just massive opposition to what was happening to like, I got to get in.

I got to get in. And he saved us because ours were terrible. And then he's like, all right, let the music man in here. Clean up. Clean up. Clean up. They call the heavy hitters for the riff. What's funny is I was in my head. I was doing that.

And then when you... I've been doing that for weeks, man. When you verbalized it, oh, I just let the cat out the bag. It's a hot tune. It is. Mike laid down the track and we... We... We ruined it.

No, man. I missed out not having you guys in on the studio there. That's right. That's right. That's right. I feel like I have joined the worst. Oh. Because we have, I don't know if you've noticed, there's a movement that has replaced the vegans and the crossbreeds.

Oh, it's the ketoers. It's the keto people, and I am firmly, I feel like I am a part of it. Explain what keto is to those unaware of your actions. And just to interject, because of what Mike's saying, it's true. No one out there does not know what keto is to those unaware of your actions. And just to interject, because of what Mike's saying, it's true. No one out there does not know what keto is. Because if you keto, you talk. First rule of keto is you talk about keto. Go on, Mike.

It's the ketogenic. It's like vegan. It's a diet where essentially. Except it's the exact opposite of vegan. Well, I'm just saying. I think vegans would argue it's not a diet of vegan well i'm just saying vegans would argue it's not a diet vegans would argue it's a lifestyle it's a lifestyle well uh keto's a bit of a lifestyle too i don't know if you know this but the the breaking it down is essentially it's a zero or very low carb and higher fat style of diet. So you should have been instantly going after the slow fat ones.

Yeah, you're keto, man. What were you thinking? You're keto. You need that high fat. Oh, man. You got to get the high fat. Oh, my ketones would have been off the charts. Yeah.

Human. Avocados. Human-induced ketones. Did you call them human avocados? Did you just refer to fat people as human avocados? I thought that one might have snuck through. Not letting that one go. I feel like you just called me an avocado, which, I don't know, I guess I'm not too disappointed with. For the record, it would be more of a bag of avocados.

Thanks, bud. So this is a simple one. It's been asked aplenty. But I want to know from you guys, what would you do? A genie has emerged from wherever. Where do you even find genies these days? The lamp. Where do you find those lamps? Lamps Plus.

You have to go to Lamps Plus, and you got a lot of work to do. A lot of rubbing. A lot of lamps in there. A lot of rubbing. You got to find the right one. But it appears we found it. and what do we do i'll start i'll start us off with my first wish because i know it i'm like so confident something you've thought about well something i've thought about before before you launch into it there's really the two questions you have to ask yourself

i've got the three wishes am i going personal gain or am I helping out humankind? Right. And I think there's other forks in the road there, but I'm going with the ladder, I believe. Of helping humans? Of helping humans. And what I would do. I think he said a ladder. So your first wish is a ladder.

No, dang it. Did I just lose a wish? You lost the wish. I didn't say I wish. You have a ladder. Now what else do you Did I just lose a wish? You lost a wish. I didn't say I wish. So you have a ladder. Now what else do you have with your last two wishes? Oh, man. It could be a big one, though. The biggest ladder that ever was.

Well, it better. If this was one of my wishes, I'm asking for the Guinness Book of World Records ladder. Mostly so I could sell, because here's a little thing I found out about myself. You're going to use a genie to sell ladders. My plans are foolproof. Let's pull this back for a second, and I want to focus on the realities of the situation.

Jason has used two wishes, and he's in a room, and he has a ladder, and there's no sweet potatoes left in the world. That is where we're at. A ladder, no sweet potatoes. And are you sitting there going, man, that was a great use of two wishes. So far, so good. So far, so good. And then for my third wish, I'm going to wish for $100,000.

What? $100,000. That's right. I know I can wish for a whole lot more. People will get suspicious, though. Yeah. Taxes. You know how hard it is to launder a billion dollars?

Do you have to launder it if it's cash? I don't know if it's from a genie. Are you asking for a check from the genie? I definitely want cash. You have to get unmarked bills. You need Bitcoin. I'm going to say it's a little too volatile right now. I'm going to say, well, it's a little too volatile right now. I'm going to ask the genie for a briefcase full of cash for $100,000.

And you'll have at least $300,000, $400,000 more coming in with the ladder. I won't. Yes, it's a really nice ladder. I think upwards of $500. So $100,000, $500, and I have rid think upwards of $500. So, $100,500 and I have rid the world of sweet potatoes. You're welcome. What's the worst?

Oh, that's another one. The worst show you've had to endure from the kids. Oh, man. There's so many. I know the list is huge. Oh, what's the bald little boy? Oh! Freaking Caillou? Caillou is the worst. That annoying little...

He's bald. He's like six years old in this show. Why is he bald? Oh my gosh, I hate Caillou. If you couldn't tell... Oh yeah, you hit a home run there. Caillou, he does...

He's full Charlie Brown in it. He is a whiny baby. How does one. Caillou, he does. He is. He's full Charlie Brown in it. He is a whiny baby. How does one spell Caillou? K-A- No, no, no. C-A-I-L-L-O-U. Oh, Caillou. Just look at how he spells.

Think about his name. His name is Caillou. That's the Prius of kids shows. Oh, he's going to grow up and drive a Prius if they still existed. Wow. So Caillou has eyebrows. He just has no hair. Yeah, he's going to grow up and drive a Prius if they still existed. Wow. So Caillou has eyebrows. He just has no hair. Yeah, he's bald.

They shaved his head. His parents shaved his head. And all his friends, I'm looking at his friends, they all have hair. Watch one episode to see over under 50 times whiny baby stuff come out of that kid's mouth. And it's supposed to be like this calm, like, oh, it's just a whiny baby. Yeah. What? Wow.

So there's a chain of people that have asked the question, does, because I was worried about this when you went off on the baldness. Does he have a. Does he have cancer? So people have searched. Oh, goodness. Does Caillou have cancer? And here's the response.

So people have searched, does Caillou have cancer? And here's the response. If you are not familiar, you lucky person, Caillou is a despicable, spineless, four-year-old boy who cannot do anything. He can't grow hair, not because he has cancer or progeria, but because he sucks. And even his own body recognizes that he does not deserve hair or food or love. Yes! Get bodied, Caillou! So that is the, if you search for why is Caillou bald, that's the answer you get.

Oh, no! In Google Answers, which may be the funniest thing I have heard in a really long time. Oh my goodness. The internet is undefeated. Oh, it certainly is. So Caillou is the worst. It is a dark night, but not the kind we talked about earlier. This is the real,

like not the dark night. Imagine it is a dark night. You are alone. It is raining outside. Oh, that's nice nice you hear someone walking around outside your window creepy who do you wish was there with you okay who do you wish was there with you okay got it okay batman i i could be there no you would be bruce. No, you would be Bruce Wayne, and you would be drunk. No.

So I don't want drunk Bruce Wayne. I still have the bat suit on. You probably only have, at this point, you're just wearing the utility belt. He's throwing the bat knives at all. That's it. The utility belt between you. Wait, is this the whole question of just who do you want with you? The question is you're in that situation,

and you could bear that out any way you want. You are in a home. Yeah, you're at home. And you're alone, and then you hear something, and who do you want with you in that moment? Because there's two answers. There's someone that realistically could be there with you in your life right now or then there's the hypothetical batman or superman or a police officer or i'll take a sharp sharpshooter yeah

i was thinking elon musk that was who i mean look no totally unrelated the person outside things just be cool because you want a conversation with you so you want to die with elon wait i have to die here you you gave me an idea with your elon musk theory because okay i can i'm chatting it up i got a a friend over we're playing some board game we're playing war with the cards but can this guy also help me out at the same time but But I also, I get to have a cool conversation with him. It's Mark Wahlberg. It's absolutely Mark. It's Mark Wahlberg because- Hey, Mike.

Hey, Mark. Hey, what's up? Oh, man, Mark. I'm sorry. You hear that sound? I'm so glad you could be here tonight. Are you worried about that window, man? No.

Say hi to your mother for me. Say hi to your mother for me. Should we close the window, Mark? No, man. I'm cool. I like the rain. Say hi to your mother for me. Say hi to your mother for me. Should we close the window, Mark? No, man. I'm cool. I like the rain. Say hi to your mother for me. What's your take on Dungeons and Dragons?

Hey, dude outside. You want to come in, share a bite, have a sandwich? Hey, come on in. Say hi to your mother for me. Yeah, absolutely. Mark Wahlberg will become best friends with the burglar. He will either befriend the burglar or take care of business. He's a tough dude.

Hold on. Can a case be made for Adolf Hitler here? What? What? What? What? What just happened? Can a case?

So many reasons. No. No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. What has happened? Can a case... So many reasons. No.

No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. Can a case be made that you want that person with you to be the obvious choice of the one entering the home? If I am in a situation with a home invasion and they come in and it's me or Hitler... They're going to kill Hitler? Yeah.

Is that what you're... That's my whole angle here. Okay. So this is a... Okay, but you realize that... You want the worst case... No, no, no. But you realize that this person who stumbled upon a house was like, holy crap,

Andy Holloway is best friends with Adolf Hitler. I'm going to do the world a favor and I'm going to get them both. You have not been protected. Well, we will be in the middle of an argument about philosophy when he comes in. I'm anti his thoughts. I'm very anti Hitler.

See, you bring Hitler inside, you've got a whole new problem to worry about, and it's Hitler, okay? You just said, I don't want a burglar outside. I want Hitler in my house. That's so much safer. I don't got to worry about a burglar because the devil is inside my home right now. I guess you're right. You don't have to worry about that burglar anymore. Was he much of a fight on his own?

I'm pretty sure. He was hopped up on methamphetamines. Hitler? Yes. No, he wasn't. Yes. I'm sure he was. Is that real?

That is 100% real. They had those in the 40 Hitler? Yes. No, he wasn't. Yes. I'm sure he was. Is that real? That is 100% real. They had those in the 40s? Yes. Before all of his speeches, he would hit the pipe. Really? Yes. So he'd be a good time before they showed up? You have a cracked out Hitler in your house.

Lights are off raining outside. You are running to the arms of that burglar. Save me! For a final answer here, you're a no. A case could not be made for Hitler. No. And Jason, you're a no.

Correct. Okay. We're going to move on. When you are in the bathroom and someone knocks on the door, Come and knock on the door. what is the correct response to give? First of all, anytime anybody's ever done the knock, it's a very quick,

someone's in here. It's a fearful. Yeah, someone's here. Don't believe that you can enter at this point. What do you say? For me, it is. Do you just make a grunt? No.

I mean, sometimes when you're just scared. It's like, oh! Now, you could probably on-demand let them know. I let them know with my bodily function. Knock, knock. No. I'm not joking here. My go-to is from Forrest Gump.

Can't sit here? Seats taken. That's very smooth. Do you really go to that? Every time. That's very smooth. Seats taken. That's very smooth. Do you really go to that? Every time. That's very smooth. Seats taken. Because mine is more, it's just the natural, innate response to any type of knock if you're behind a door.

If there's knock, knock, knock, they get a, yeah? That's just what comes out of me. It's almost like you're asking for more information so the other person is going oh we're starting a conversation excuse me sir how long do you anticipate before you finish yeah yeah i think you're gonna say who's there and it was a knock knock joke that would have been even better that is now maybe that's the correct answer when they hear knock when when someone knocks on the door, who's there? Because maybe you would let them in if they were the right person.

Would you rather be the person walked in on or the person walking in on? I am the one who walks. I would much rather be. I am the one who walks. I am the one who walks. I think. But technically, wouldn't that be the person at fault? Oh, in all circumstances?

No, no, no. Wait, the person on the inside is the person at fault. The locker? Oh, 100%, because if I walk in a bathroom, like I go and I rip open the door and I go in, and I have to see you doing your duty. Now, what if you pick the lock? Whose fault is that? I'm going to go ahead and say that one's on the picker.

If you pick the lock. Whoops. Well, I didn't know you were in here. What are you doing? Yeah. Sir, I see a lock. I must pick it. I am the master of lock picking.

Why did you drill off the door? Why did you take the door off? I was in here. I kept telling you, seats taken. Just getting more and more intense. Seats taken. Please don't come in here. Someone is in here.

Seats taken. Oh, the door's off. Oh, I didn't. I couldn't hear you. So if you pick the lock, you're at fault. Yes. If you don't pick it, otherwise it's on the lock. I would much rather be the one who walks in.

The one who walks. Would you rather talk like Yoda or breathe like Darth Vader? Oh, man. No, thank you. I can't handle it, man. I can't handle the people that do the Yoda joke. It's tired. It's worn out.

I would much rather hang out with my Darth Vader asthmatic friend. And it's not just Yoda where you're talking in riddles. You also have that. That's your voice now. You have to start every sentence with. Annoying I am. Hungry I am. How creepy.

Single I will forever be. How creepy is it? Yeah, can I take your order? Yeah. You're done. You're so... My order you can take. Now, what if you just got one of those...

It's over. What if you got one of those Yoda beanies, right, to where you're wearing the Yoda cap. You have to live in Disneyland. You have no choice. You live in Disneyland. You live around Star Wars. You're there forever. Let me ask this question. Can I take a picture with you, Yoda? Pictures I will take.

Are there people... You know how hardcore some Star Wars fans are, right? Oh man, I am quickly seeing how bad Yoda would be. He would be jailed within a week. I have not got a question out and I'm already wanting to slap both of you.

I was just going to say, do you think there are Star Wars fans that would like it? They would be like, this is my Yoda friend, and they would love being around you. No. For a day. For one day. They'd think it's cool at first. And they'd want being around you. No. For a day. For one day. They'd think it's cool at first. And they'd want to kill you. I would.

They'd want to kill you. I just like the grunts. That's the sound on the other end of the knocking when they hear you in the bathroom. See, tagons? Come in here, you must not. And then it's in the middle of the center. Oh, come in here. Come in here. Oh, you said come in. you must not. And then it's in the middle of the sentence. Oh, come in here. Come in here.

Oh, you said come in. You must not. And then the doors open and the knot comes out. Oh, so many mistakes will happen. Oh, man. I'll take it to the theater. Yoda is getting walked in on in every bathroom situation. All right.

We are doing a Disney characters mock draft. Picture Rome. Ancient Rome. We're in the Coliseum. And all three of us walk out, and we've got four friends with us from Disney movies. And then someone says, fight. That's what we're doing. I've got the Beast and Simba.

Well, you guys got to go deeper. You can take the Frog Prince if you want. I can go the distance, Mike. I'm taking King Triton. Okay. Also, basically, Poseidon. That's fine. I missed who Jason took.

He took Hercules. Okay. That was an official final answer. Enjoy being out of the water in the Coliseum. Shut up. It's a battle royale. Out of the water? I had King Triton. I took Ariel's father. And he's dead. Who's a battle royale. Out of the water? I have King Triton.

I took Ariel's father. And he's dead. Who's basically... He can't breathe. He's basically just flopping around. He doesn't have gills. He's flopping around. He can breathe.

I take the little mermaid. That's fine. He can breathe. Yeah, he can breathe totally, but he's flopping around on the dirt. Oh, yes. King Triton. This is great. great freaking disaster I've got no hope because I'm picturing it's like

oh yeah oh just this freaking amazing I can't say my legend why is this on land because I'm gonna go You did this. Oh, I made a mistake. Oh, man. Okay. If you told me $1 million. To punch a spider? To punch a tarantula.

Right. $1 million. No joke. You would. Never happen. Okay. Never would happen. Is that true?

That's 100%. A million dollars. If there's a rich person out there... Would you kick one for a million? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I'm crawling right now. What if it's $10 million

and you have to give it a smooch? Oh! Oh my gosh. Mike, I did not see you going there and that was not a fake reaction. The best part about that is you are not playing that up for the show at all. He's literally that scared of any spiders. He's so scared.

I want to watch that back on YouTube. I want to see what a loser I am. Here's a shameful thing from my past. This is true. You know those Hawaiian... Hawaiian rolls? is true. You know those Hawaiian rolls? Sweet Hawaiian rolls? There was a night. No. All of them? No. The whole

double-decker box. I swear to you. The whole entire double-decker box of Hawaiian bread rolls. I had to hide the packaging. No butter, just bread? Look, I didn't mean to do it.

I just wanted one. You had to hide the packaging? I was so ashamed. Hold on, hold on. You gotta elaborate on this. I want to set the stage. Okay. You have the package. Yes. Okay. For some reason... Did you have a plate?

Did you put one on the plate? That might have been limited here. I grabbed the package. Did you ever leave the kitchen? First thing. That was the first step. I grabbed the package. This is not sealed, but it's got a little tie on it.

Unopened. And I, for some reason, grab it and start walking upstairs. So you brought it with you. Yes. It had a handle. I used it and I carried it with me upstairs and I ate one and I was like, oh, that's good. So I ate another one and then I started eating two at a time. I finished the top because it was that good. Why did you have to go to two at a time? Because it was that good.

You can compress those real small. For sure. To deceive yourself into the fact that you're not eating an entire package. I finished the top tray and I went, what have I done? Can I do it? And then about 30 seconds later, I thought I was done. But about 30 seconds later, I was like, my mouth needs more Hawaiian roll bread. So I think I went into my child's room and I finished the second.

This is like a. Why did you go to a different room? Because I was out where I could be seen at that moment. I was at the top of the stairs. I didn't make it to my room. You went to a child's room to shame eat Hawaiian rolls. That is a moment from my past. The draft is the best

ice cream flavors. Which... This is why you have the number one pick, because you're Mr. Ice Cream. And I'm thankful you both took the basics, because that lets me take two delicious flavors. Other drafts, we waver. We don't know

what we're going to draft. I'm not even making a list. I'm not even looking it up. This is my home. I live here. Your true list. My next two picks, mint chocolate chip. That's really weird because it's not your turn. Oh!

Oh! You've got to do it, Mike! You've got to do it! I will take mint chocolate chip. Yes! Oh, fantastic! It's the best pick that has ever been made on a Spitballers podcast, Mike. You have ruined Andy by taking his.

He was so excited. Mint chocolate chip. It's one of the most famous, most popular ice cream flavors. He's so excited to get it. I made a mistake, Jason. I cut him off too soon. I needed to let the whole entire monologue go. I had a chance there, but I mean, I still.

You still got him. You still got him good. And let me just say this to all the spit wads out there. There are. Maybe you're playing in a fantasy football league or whatever, and someone makes their pick too early. Never feel guilt for coming in and taking the guy they said they were going to take. Don't you dare let them steal a pick early. Never feel guilt for coming in and taking the guy they said they were going to take. Don't you dare let them steal

a pick early. You just come in and you say, that's my guy. I am so happy. Oh, the best part of that, Andy, for you, just so you're aware, there was a 0.0 percent chance

that I would have taken that had you not been a buffoon. I was so. And jumped your turn. He's too ice cream excited, man. I cannot believe that just happened to me. Jacked up for ice cream. I want to die. Now you're taking away my money.

Yeah, I need to watch. I only get $20 billion. So I think. Hold on. What did you just do? If you're not watching the YouTube version of the show, Jason just jumped out of his chair like he got stung by a scorpion or electrocuted. Then he tried to just move on like nothing happened. You don't get away with that.

My legs were crossed. Like my feet were crossed under the table. And I was moving. Oh, no. under the table, and I was moving them. Oh, no. And my knee felt like it was going out. It just popped up, getting sore. You're sitting. I need this money from the pool

so I can replace my knees. Your knee went out while sitting. Your knee... I just looked at my knee. Oh, man, what were you doing? I was sitting down and I moved my leg. I tried to turn slightly

to the left. I was trying to sit in a chair and my knee went out. Reconstructive surgery on the way. How'd you tear your ACL, sir? Doctor, will I be able to sit again? Will I ever be able to sit? Oh, goodness.

This show is over. Will I be able to sit? With a lot of rehab and reconstructive surgery, you can record a podcast once again. Today's draft is a simple one, a smelly one, because we are drafting the worst smells. Here's my favorite thing. So when I saw, okay, this is it, a lot of ideas come to mind, right? But you always want to check, like, what am I forgetting? I do a little Google search.

What are some of the worst smells? And on one of these lists, don't worry, guys. I'm not going to draft this. But one of the known worst smells is boiled urine. Hold on. Hold on. Yes. Oh, we need to dive in.

Boiled urine? Why does it have to be? I would say we don't need to dive in. Boiled? What? Urine? Why does it have to be- I would say we don't need to dive in. Why does it have- Who discovers- Who is boiling- That it smells worse when it's boiled. Like, this is such a known thing.

It made a list of like- Like, there's somebody that wants to believe if you boiled it, it would become water and you could drink it. Well, the- Like, it would boil the urine away. Well, here's the thing. Urine is sterile. Not for long.

So I'm imagining that someone slipped a oneski into a pot that was already on the fryer, and then someone was just like, oh, sweet, I left some water in here, and then they turn it on. How else do you end up with boiled urine? I don't know. How else do you guys make macaroni? Would you rather re-gift every present you receive back to the person who gave it to you?

Whoops. Or attempt to stick your finger in the mouth of every person you catch yawning? Oh my goodness. There was a long part of my life where my wife thought it was hilarious to do that. When you yawn? Yes. And she'd stick her finger in your mouth?

I do this. Yeah. To my wife. You people are monsters. I literally never hurt anybody doing this. Because you're hanging out with good company. It's the best. It is absolutely... And I say every time I go, ruined it. That's true.

Ruined it? Yes. So not only do you jab them in the mouth, possibly gagging this person. Well, I'm not trying to touch the tonsils. Ruined it. I'm just trying. Choked you to death. But it's true. Look, this is the wife show right here.

No, every time that my wife yawns, she's getting a finger in the mouth. Does she do it back? No, that would be awful. If you woke up 2,000 years from now, I don't know how you could comprehend it, right? Sure. A coma patient for 30, 40, I don't know what the longest coma patient is,

where they've woken up, is it 10 years, 20 years? I have no idea. But comprehending that, I think you'd think you're dead. Maybe I'd Google, am I dead? Ooh. Right?

Yes, and you would not get an answer. Yeah. Yes. It just says yes. 37 years. 37 years? Now, 37 years, but is that to waking up, or was that just how long the coma lasted?

Because that's the real crux here. Well, I imagine he was looking waking up and being cognizant. Right. Yeah, I looked for longest coma survivor. So, yeah. 37 years. Wow. Clean water for all humans. You want my cloud

machine. I don't want that, Mike. I don't think that's going to solve the problems you think it's going to solve. Or that it will ever exist even 2100 years from now. Wait, Mr. Techno-Optimist? He is not a techno-optimist. I'm not a techno-impossiblist.

You're telling me that we'll get to the point where we can cure diseases, but a simple cloud? Let me ask you that. First of all, it's not simple, Mike. It's in the atmosphere. You're saying them for... You're saying producing Earth-sized weather. Yeah, I think it's a challenge.

What was that movie? Let me ask you a question, Mike. What was the... Are we ever going to make a boot the size of a continent? A boot? Yeah, a boot. Like Italy? Like a human boot.

Are you ever going to make a human boot? Could we ever make one as big as a continent? No. No. That's too many materials. That is not a strong argument to win here. Your point makes no sense. None whatsoever.

That's so much leather. Mine is just talking. Let me ask you a question, Mike. Do you think we're ever going to start printing people with a Hewlett Packard? You think we're going to do that? That's what I think of your cloud machine. Why would you ever have come up with, you think they're going to make a boot the size of a continent?

That's the reason. That makes no sense. My point is these are things that a boot the size of a continent? That's the reason. That makes no sense. My point is there are things that are outside the bounds of our possibilities. Yes, exactly. A boot the size of a continent. That's what you want. And worldwide weather. Those are the only two impossibles.

Oh, mercy. There are only two things we can never do. Are you ever going to make a bowl of spaghetti the size of Cincinnati? No. No, they aren't. I'm going to check who's going to eat it. Oh, man. I can't breathe.

Look, there are some things that the humans can't do. They can't control the weather, and they can't make continent-sized boots. Okay. All right. Are we done talking to each other yet? Next segment. All right. Real quick.

I got to redeem myself here before my DMs fill up, but it's 27 years for someone who actually woke up. So that 37-year was a liar. She didn't make it. Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Al Borland. Wait. Sorry, man. So wait, 27 years and didn't wake up? No, 27 did make it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Al Borland.

Sorry, man. So wait, 27 years and didn't wake up? No, 27 woke up. If you go 37, we're not going to talk about it. Yeah. Oh. Dad brought the show down. What?

Hold on. He had to break in. It's like one of the funniest moments in the show's history. Yes. We're cracking up. Guys. Guys. I got to. It's history. Yes, we're cracking up. Guys, guys, it's official. I can't

have kids. What was that about? Look, there's parts of, you know, I don't like eating the butts of food. Do you guys know, like, do any of you have that problem? I don't like eating butts either, Jason. No, like,

when you're taking a drink of anything, just leaving the last little bit. When you're eating a hot dog, just leaving the last little bit. Do you do that with a banana? Of course! Because we're not monsters. Wait, but you eat the top of the banana, which is the same. Wait, you eat the bottom of a banana? Not the peel. No, the little black piece.

But inside the banana. There's no way you do. There's no way. This is not possible. When you get a banana, if you were to take the whole banana out of the peel, you would eat the whole thing. I do. What? You eat the nasty black tip at the bottom.

There's not a nasty black tip at the bottom. Yes, there is. Oh, my word. When's the last time you had a banana, which the answer is never. Can't you eat them both ways? No, you can't eat the butt of the banana. What are you, a monster? I can't believe.

Oh, no. I couldn't wait for Borland to chime in here because I already knew his response. It should be what all human responses are, which is, well, no, that part is like, for instance. You pick it off. For instance, I don't eat the middle of a peach. The pit? The pit. Because it's not made for consumption.

Apparently, banana butt is a vape liquid. Oh, no. Kids, no. I mean, I'm not sure. Not that I recommend that. I'm not sure that the official term of that spot of a banana is the butt. But it makes sense, right? It's the bottom. I was intrigued that

you were going all over the place very general with it so that the bottom of your drink that's the butt? Guys, according to Urban Dictionary the black tip of the banana is called the Are you allowed to say this?

No, I'm not not it's called something otherwise known as the little brown part at the bottom of the banana that no one in the right mind eats yes thank you that's what it says and it's the bananas yes oh the bananas yes according to urbanary Where they're asking basically Is it even safe to eat it I'm still unaware of what it is You This is wild I'll cut out, if you give me a banana and it's got a bruise

I'll cut the bruise out Then there's no way you're eating the bananas It usually stays in the peel Yes, usually it does So there's a mysterious bananas down there Because what you do is you peel the banana top to bottom. That's the best word I've ever heard. It is.

You peel the banana top to bottom, but you're still holding the peel. Inside the peel where your fingers are is the bananas, and you don't want to touch it either, which is why you want to keep that peel on your banana. What sucks now is instead of the positive thing that comes out of the workout, it's like six-pack washboard abs. And now it's just I don't have a heart attack for the next 10 years. Now it's my pants don't hurt when they're buttoned.

I was like, I can wear pants. The benefit is just not worth it. And I don't feel like I'm about to bleed from my waist belly button. Your waist? Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Your waist belly? Is there more than one? No, but I'm saying my waistline underneath my belly button.

I don't know what that's called. What's the center front of your waistline called? Your midsection? Well, that's a whole area. I'm talking right where that button is. What is the anatomical name? I don't think it's your gut. That's a very differentical name? I don't think it's your gut. That's a very different spot.

I definitely don't think it's that, Andy. No? No. Your Goomba. Sure, Goomba is better. But what is... Your Kerplunker. Is there an anatomical name?

Spitwads, if you're out there, you're listening, and you're a doctor, clearly you are. I mean, you're all fancy and rich. And exercising. By the way, if you're not, please, you're not allowed to listen to this this is only for rich people that's right that's how people find this they go well i've come into a lot of money now what is the podcast you listen to jeeves um but but my point is i don't know podcasting for the rich i don't know we should change our name to that i don't know what the name of the body part right behind the button on your pants is called, but that is what hurts on me a lot.

So you're talking this is below the belly button. Right. I can stand up. I can show you this. No, I mean, there's an area. There's an area. It's called the fupa. Is that for real?

Yeah. Did you Google this? No, I know about it. It's not the gooch. It's not the gooch. Did you Google this? No, I know about it. It's not the Gooch. We're not going to. It's not the Gooch. Did you Google? No, but I'm learning.

Yeah, kids don't Google these things. All right, so did you say it? The Fupa. Yeah. We're talking about the spare. Oh, goodness. My parents and I, I'm so sorry. Oh, goodness. My parents are home. I'm so sorry.

Oh, goodness. Okey dokey. Oh, yes. But am I right? You're right. That is correct. It is the food. But thank you, Mike, for being a rich listener.

Which one are you taking? I'm going to take the I will eat whatever I want. I'm going to eat it at length for one hour every day. And you can take your exercise and calories back. What about you, Andy? What are you taking? I'll take the hour of food. Okay, good.

Borland. It's good to know that I didn't make the biggest mistake on the show today. Can you turn the air down in this room? Got it. I'm starting to sweat. All right, moving on. He says, after an unfortunate altercation with your local wizard, of course, the three of you must live the rest of your days in the ocean.

Oh, Mr. Limpet situation. Those will be short days. He reassures you that you will be able to communicate with all other sea life. He gives you the choice to be any sea creature or animal of your liking. Okay. What are you choosing and why so you've got to live out in the ocean forever but you will be able to communicate and then apparently thrive i'm being the sailfish that you know it's interesting what we prioritized now the first thing i looked at was what sea creature has the longest lifespan by default

isn't it a turtle is it the turtle well i what i found was a uh a bowhead whale that is 200 plus years and i'm thinking i'm a big old whale so i'm resilient right nobody's gonna come and get me do you want to live 200 years as a whale floating in the ocean just taking in the sights my man 200 years of that yeah there's a lot of ocean to see. Look at that internet. I bet it'd be great. Every time Mike makes a home somewhere as a sailfish, once a predator comes along, sure, he's not going to get eaten, but he has to move.

I think the only predator a sailfish has to worry about is man. And just because I turn into a fish... You have to worry about the Jason. The Jason will come and get you. They're not coming after me. They're going after the small. Oh, I'm coming straight after you. Now, other great whites. You have to worry about the Jason. I'm still smart. The Jason will come and get you. They're not coming after me. They're going after the small. Oh, I'm coming straight after you. Now, other great whites.

You will never catch me. I'm 68 miles an hour, man. Dude, a great white. I'm so powerful. I'll catch. I'll eat the bow-headed whale. I'm just coming after both of you guys. Mike, now, I don't know if it changes things, but you are locked in, unfortunately.

13 to 15 years is the lifespan of a sailfish. Ooh, what do I got? What do I got? I've got 200 years. What's the lifespan of a sailfish I've got 200 years what's the lifespan of a great white you or a regular great white my cholesterol as a shark is a little high 70 years

do you want 70 years as a shark or 200 as a bowhead look I figure I got 70 as a human so I'm good with 70 as a great white you're only going 35 miles an hour, Jay. You ain't catching me. I'm going to sneak up. I will swim backwards and poke you in the face with my big sword nose.

I'm 100 tons. That's what I just figured out. But you're just there. You're not living. I'm not? No, you're not. There's no L-I-V-I-N going on as a whale. You know what you do as a whale?

You swim all the way to the north. Doesn't it seem like we're just listening to their voice? They're not. Kill me. Kill me. Except nothing can. Here's the irony of the situation because we look up lifespans, and then you wonder when God created these creatures, maybe he was building in the level of enjoyment.

So the sailfish is 13, 15 years of unadulterated. Too much enjoyment. Just so much fun. Life too good. The shark, it's pretty nice. Like 70 years. And then the bowhead. All right, you get to live for a long time.

Kill me. Too long. I've seen all my friends die. I've seen every inch of this big blue. I fell. The sailfish has been dead for 150 years.

My best friend. You know, he doesn't do him any favors to call him a bowhead. I'll be honest with you. Got eaten by a shark. And now the shark's dead. All my friends are gone. And I'm here.

Help me. They call him bowhead, too. That's not fun. We just bought a popcorn maker. We are fancy. We are getting bougie up in our house because we're watching movies and we're making... You showed me this thing and you showed me that there's some secret ingredients. Flavacol.

Flavacol? I think that's what it's called. Yeah, and it's supposed to raise profits for popcorn salesmen around the country. But it's in my home. Flavacol? Flavacol? I think that's what it's called. And it's supposed to raise profits for popcorn salesmen around the country. But it's in my home. Flavacol? Flavacol. Flavacol. It's worse than that.

It's Flavacol. So that's a medication that you've seen advertised before that causes death. Well, so speaking of causes. Flavacol. Speaking of causes death, you know, if you're listening, don't confuse a teaspoon with a tablespoon. No, no, no. A don't confuse a teaspoon with a tablespoon. No, no, no. A teaspoon is very, very, very tiny.

Yes, they're very different, Jason. If you get the very tiny teaspoon, that is 122% of your daily sodium. The teaspoon? It's delicious. Hold on, hold on. The teaspoon. The teaspoon. In America.

The little tiny. I'm going to be honest with you. You made this popcorn for me, and it was very teaspoon. The teaspoon. In America. The little tiny. I'm going to be honest with you. You made this popcorn for me, and it was very fresh. It was very hot. You asked me if I liked it. I said I did like it, and mind you, I ate it. I ate it all. He didn't like it.

But listen, I ain't never tasted a saltier bag of popcorn in my whole life. Flavor call. I mean. Boom. Flavor call in your face. Here's the truth. It was the salt. I was a salt lick, okay?

You were a salt lick? I was a horse, and it was a salt lick, and I'm just pure. I was a raisin when I got home. Yeah, baby. I was dried up by bag one. I don't know how. Flavor call. So here's the thing that I have since learned.

We have these packages where you cut the top off, and it's got the oil, and it's got the kernels. I was like, the seeds. You're such a professional. And it's got a pouch of seasoning salt. And so I don't think I'm supposed to use that and the Flavacol. No. Flavacol. Too much and that is too much in your face. Alright, so

something's stuck in your teeth, it stinks. If it's stuck in your shoe, I've got my thing with the shoe. You're doing the toe tap all day. You work it towards the top left. You step the big toe. Step, toe down, click, click, click. Step, step, click, click, click. Trying to step. Click, click, click.

Trying to kick the toe to the front. I don't know why as a kid. Or the rock. I feel like as a kid I had a rock in my shoe every day. I don't know if we played in a lot of miniature rock playgrounds. I just feel like it was regular. Yeah, Arizona. No grass, right? You don't get grass in your shoes.

No, you didn't play in the rocks. You played in the grass. That's how you got rocks in your shoes. No, you didn't play in the rocks. You played in the grass. That's how you got rocks in your shoes. That's right. That's true. But something stuck in your... I feel like you might get used to it stuck in your teeth, wouldn't you? No.

No. This is the point of why I brought up the popcorn machine. I brought up the popcorn machine because... Flavacol. Because... WMD. Yes. Because I've eaten a lot of popcorn the last two weeks.

Did you have any of that popcorn? I missed out. It is delicious. Sodium rich. But it is very sodium rich. And I apologize for nothing. Did you look at the ingredients? Flavacol!

Does it just say ingredients? Salt. Oh, salt is nowhere near as rich in sodium as Flavacol. That's true. Like, I'm not joking. If you took a teaspoon of salt... They made saltier salt., I'm not joking. If you took a teaspoon of salt. They made saltier salt.

They made saltier salt. If you take a teaspoon of salt, there's no fathomable way that it has the same. Flavacol. Flavacol. Boom. Saltier than salt. Up your profits. Saltier than salt.

That's a good slogan. Harness the ocean. I might draft that today. You ever did the allergy testing? Yes. Were they? Oh. Do you know what I'm talking about, Jason? No, of course. I know what you're talking about.

Have you ever been tortured for science? You inferior humans with your allergies. Well, believe it or not, anybody can get the test. You don't even have to have allergies. Yeah, but why would you? Good point. I'm not allergic to anything. You want to scratch my back and put a bunch of chemicals on me?

But they basically just poke a bunch of holes in your back, teeny little marks. And then they put a little bit of everything, a plant or whatever. I don't know how they bring it. Grass, cats. They rub a cat on your back. But then you're not allowed to scratch it. And I just remember as a kid getting that done and my mom would like, you could use a magazine to waft air to try to make those itches go away.

Does that help? I feel like that would make it more intensified. Anything but sitting in it makes it better. Like if you are itchy right now, you are better off running around than you are standing there itchy. Sure. To distract you. I can't believe that's how we figure things out.

Do we still do that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. The scratch test is still alive. We haven't improved upon that? Then they put the leeches on. You know, you bring up a good point. We've been to the moon.

Yeah. You bring up a good point. We're like, hey, child, here's what we're going to do. Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke. I'm going to poke you 40 times, and then I'm just going to pour liquid that you're allergic to. It's like when I was first learning math, and the trial and error process was just like, I'll find the answer by getting it wrong 100 times until it works. I don't understand how to do this equation, but I'll just keep like, no, it's not that.

Right. It's not that. There's got to be a better way. Take a vial of my blood. Go test it. Tell me what I'm allergic to. As opposed to, well, let's try this. Let's see if you're allergic to cactus.

Give me a cactus. I mean, that's what it feels like. You can do this test at home. That's actually exactly what the allergists sound like. That's the weird thing. You can do this test at home. All right, partner, we're going to get this figured out. You don't need a pulmonologist.

They want to hunt rabbits. Like, is he allergic to cats? Yeah, I got a cat. Come here, Jehoshaphat. And then you just rub the cat all over it, and you say, give it 15 seconds. Now, tell me. When I poke you with this needle, does it hurt? You are not allergic to habitable needles.

Hey, this one's sharp. N. Hey, this one's sharp. Nelda, this one's sharp. Why are we all Yosemite sand? I don't know. Get your host of that in here. Let's see how you react to poison. Oh, turns out you're allergic to poison. You should get that checked.

You should get that checked. He's got another one allergic to poison. It'll be $50. You never believe this. 100% of people allergic to poison. So far, we keep testing. Everybody says, I don't have allergies. I say, take this poison.

You allergic to poison? You sure are. Alright, I hope you enjoyed some of our... Oh, Mike enjoyed some of our favorite moments. That one part was great. That was my favorite part too, just like yours at home. So let's go ahead and get into a brand new draft for episode 100.

The Spitballers Draft. All right. We're calling it honey i shrunk the draft why because because this is what we do here's the scenario guys jason mike and myself we've been shrunk down to only six inches tall and we've been asked a very important question, and that is we need to draft household items for a battle to the death. So we're doing a battle royale, but we're six inches tall. Oh, gosh. And these are only items that you could pick up

if you were six inches tall. We've all been shrunk down. We're in a house. And we're going to fight. Oh, we're always going're always gonna fight i mean there's one thing we know is that when the three of us are together it's a it's a battle to our death but now it's a honey i shrunk the draft and we're six inches tall which really takes a lot of a lot of the things that in my life you know when i usually look at an object i think how do i weaponize this? If I were only six inches tall. Well, but that's the issue.

I haven't really spent a lot of time thinking, how do I weaponize this if I were six inches tall? Makes things more difficult. We still, just to be clear, we still haven't thought about that a lot as of right this moment. And I think people will find the truth of that out here in just the next few minutes. So we'll see. Now, unfortunately, I have the first pick.

Is this correct? Oh, the clear 101 is out there. Oh, man, the clear 101. Yeah, don't mess it up. I didn't know there was a spear out there. Yeah, there's a super clear 101, right, Mike? Yeah. All right, look.

Pressure is on you to not blow it. The clear 101 is always, whether it's survival or whether it's weaponry, is a spear. That was the best invention of mankind. Okay. And so I think something like a steak knife is going to be too heavy. I'm six inches tall. But I can absolutely pick up that sharpened pencil. And you ain't going to get near me

when I've got, I mean, it's just, it's a spear. Like literally that's a spear. I have a weapon with my sharpened number two pencil and I'm going to put ink in you. What happened to number one pencils? Number one, that must've given lead poisoning. They threw that out. Yeah, right away. Right off the block. Does anyone know the answer of number one and number two pencils? Number three? No, I was going to say, it also seems that they perfected it on the second try.

We did it. We did it. Try one sucked. Try two was. And now it's like. Mother of mercy. Look at this. It's so funny when you go shopping as a parent and you get the list, must be number two pencils.

And it's like, what other pencils can I possibly buy? Like, just say pencils because I don't know how to not buy a number two. Are there pencil specialty stores out there with the whole variety? One through seven? They have the antique stores they have the number ones the number ones well i've got a number they just manufactured it with erasers on both oh we screwed this thing up there's no way to write we should put a point over here or maybe number two just actually there's like maybe that's the first one that

added the eraser so it's really just like oh oh, man, this can do two things. Let's call it number two. The number two is four. All right. I've got my pencil, my spear, my 101. It's on lockdown. I feel like I already won the draft right there. It's my pick, right, now?

Sure. Okay. Well, it's ironic because one of the first things I wrote down was a steak knife, but now you guys are telling me it's too heavy for me to pick up. Even with them cheapy Walmart steak knives, those things are made of nothing. I was worried about taking my pencil, which I wanted, because I was like, someone's going to try to take a steak knife,

but I feel like that shouldn't apply. So I used my platform while on the clock to basically draft two things. It was sneaky, but if you had a steak knife, you would be like Cloud in Final Fantasy. You would have the world's largest broadsword. It's just not happening. I mean, six inches, though, you're pretty big there, right?

Yeah, but that's as long as a steak knife. The steak knife is probably at least six inches. I'm curious if our manliest man, Al Borland, thinks I could lift a steak knife at six inches tall. I don't think so, man. I appreciate the fact that you wanted me to succeed there, but you're like, no, I just don't think so. I just don't see it happening.

Maybe Jason, but not you, Andy. All right. I'm going to go then with what I think. I'll lack the kind of size of a number two pencil here but i think i will be deft and agile with my toothpick so i will select a toothpick it's on my list when i thought of toothpick i was like well andy will get this for sure yeah you're the toothpick king not strong enough for a steak knife i guess al told me so i'm gonna go with a toothpick it's it's nicely done uh that leaves me two picks that i was hoping i would get

because my list is not very large but number one look i mean it's sometimes you gotta have a smaller weapon so i will take a thumbtack or a push pin because now i've got my dagger of swords it's not really i mean it's not really a dagger when you're six inches tall it's more it's a little bigger then it's bigger than a dagger would be i don't think so i think it's daggerish yeah thank you jason i appreciate your support on here i guess you're right no i guess you're right it's pretty small. Yeah, but... I retract that. So I will take...

Now I will take my sword, which... Oh, no. I don't know why you would take a toothpick when there is a better version. I'll take the paperclip. Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, that's fantastic.

Great pick, Mike. I think that's Jason's way of saying you did not select the pick you wanted. That's correct! Yeah, that is true. That is true, but... So you're taking a paperclip. Now, how... When I think that's Jason's way of saying you did not select the pick you wanted that is true you're taking a paperclip when I think of swords when I think of swords I don't think of paperclips ironically so I'm curious

how you made that comparison he thinks that he can unfurl the paperclip you can 100% unfurl the paperclip well I can because I'm 6 feet tall no you'll be able to do it it won't be six feet tall. No, you'll be able to do it. It won't be a walk in the park, but you'd be able to do it. We'll be whooping up on you while you're pulling profusely on the edge of this paper clip.

Yeah, while you do that, you're getting a pencil through your heart. No, I'm not trying to break it off. Al, can he pull that paper clip open? Yeah, I think so, but he'll have to stand on one side of it while trying to... Yeah, like I said, not the easiest, but I'll get it done. Right, Owl, could Andy pull that paperclip open? I don't think so, man.

Oh, man. I gotta work out. Alright, so Mike, you have a paperclip, you have a thumbtack, I have a toothpick. I'm not... I thought about a thumbtack i have a toothpick i i'm not i thought about a thumbtack i'm fine with my toothpick i got more range i got you do you also it will wear out very fast i may give myself a splinter that could be a problem that's true jason has a uh number two pencil now most of what I know about being six inches tall

comes from the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Am I allowed to draft an ant that I can ride? Oh, man. No. I say, sure, let that ant murder you. Well, I'm saddled up. If you've watched that movie, Auntie was a good friend. You better draft Oreos.

Well, yeah, I guess you have to hold it out in front of the ant. You're six inches tall, so that ant is still like the size of your foot. That's a strong point. I'm a little bit bigger. That's why I asked the question and did not make the pick. Thank you very much. I'm going with a beard trimmer. I'm running at you with a beard trimmer.

A beard trimmer? Yeah. You you with a beard trimmer a beard trimmer yeah you are riding that beard trimmer yes you are the beard a beard trimmer is even heavier than a steak knife that's great you just drafted like a boulder to stand on i must not know what six inches is i really don't think i know my height six inches imagine imagine a beard trimmer yeah that's about six inches is i really don't think i know my height six inches imagine imagine a beard trimmer yeah that's about six inches so that means you just drafted a gigantic version of yourself a mini beard trimmer what what mini beard trimmer exists oh no okay so i'm not you're saying that it's more there's more like fortification of my hideout you So I'm not... You're saying that it's more... This is more like fortification of my hideout.

You just drafted it. I'm not running at you with it, but if you come at me... You can hide behind it? I can probably point it at you. Oh, for sure. And you can turn it on. Like, oh, no. What if I run into his beard trimmer?

This reminds me a lot of me drafting that lawnmower in the Home Depot. Yes, it's just like that. That's going one mile an hour. Dang it. All right. Well, okay. So here's the truth. When Andy drafted a toothpick, I was so excited.

Because you need a sword. Where I got a spear, you need a sword. And a toothpick is undoubtedly a sword for this. Oh, no. I know what he's thinking of. But he's got a little wooden sword. You, Mike, drafted a metal sword that hopefully you can turn into a sword after a while i'm just drafting a sword give me the sewing needle that is a metal version of a toothpick

yeah he wins on that one uh yeah that's great yeah that's very very smart that was my first that was my one-on-one but i thought there was a chance because you two aren't around sewing as much as I am. My living room is currently a, what do they call, I guess a sewing room. There's this room. They do a bunch of sewing in it. What do they call that? Where do seamstresses work? A sweatshop.

That's what they call it. So my living room is a sweatshop teaching our children how to do hard labor. Is that a conservatory? All right. So I've got another pick here. And so I've got my spear. I've got my sword. Yes, you have your pencil and sewing needle.

Go on. And now I'm going gonna take a whip but imagine that this whip was harsher than leather what if i had a nice necklace that i you know a thin band i'm i'm swinging that thing around that's like a uh like a ball and chain what are they exactly a ball and chain i believe is what that i think A ball and chain, I believe, is what that's called. I think there's a more formal name. If it's got the spikes in it. If you've got a necklace, isn't that a lot to handle at six inches tall?

I'm just talking the band, just a thin bit. This isn't some crazy- Can you whip that band around? Oh, absolutely. You probably could. It's really light. I want to be very clear about something. I have no concept of what six inches tall is or what people can lift at six inches tall.

I am terrified that my next pick will be the heaviest object on the earth. I will take a full size bowling ball dumbbell. Yeah. I got no clue what to pick. I told you guys before we started, like, I'm concerned. You have a number of sharp objects that I am concerned about because at the end of the day, I've got a beard trimmer. So I'm going to have to go with a bottle cap shield.

I'm going Captain America size bottle cap shield. Self-defense at this point is my only option. Try to survive until both of you are tired and i can and fall into my beard trimmer so you can actually use that shield to try to corral us in push us into yes you turn the beard trimmer on and then you go and then it's like oh you cut my hair now let me check something real quick al do you think that I could push these gentlemen into a beard trimmer? Sure. That was the nicest thing he's ever said to you.

I expected, I don't think so, man. Yeah. All right, Mike. I'll tell you this. I also don't want to pick a fourth pick because I don't have one. Go on. It's still two picks from me, and the pick I know is coming back. I'm so excited.

Apparently, you're a professional at this part, Jason. Have you ever been shrunk before? I've done the opposite before. I've put on the weight and expanded. I've done the opposite. I've been grown. I've been grown. I've seen some things at this size.

Oh, no. I have a great last pick, Mike. Don't take it. You get ready because I'm about to ruin your dreams. All right. I'm not quite sure what I will do with it yet, but it's on my list. You're fighting to the death. Yeah, I feel like I could do something with this.

I could figure it out. So I'm going to take some yarn. I'm going to take some yarn here I'm going to take some yarn here. Look, maybe I can make a lasso. You never know. Yeah. Is a lasso one of the go-to things, like, as a grown-up human, if you were in a fight, is a lasso on the upper echelon of the list?

When you're a six-inch person, it is. Okay. I know that much for sure. All right. Oh, man. And i i'm with you i thought of another great one you are you shut up uh i'm with andy that most of what i've learned about being that small comes from honey i shrunk the kids the documentary documentary. Yes. Yes. And I know that there was, they ran into this in the,

in the movie and they were all like concerned about it. I'm going to take some projectiles and it's, I know it's, it's harmful. It could be covered in disease. So I will take bug turds. Ooh, it's,

it's, it's the long play. I will get you with the cockroach poop. And you will, cause I would pick you to be handling bug turds. It's the long play. I will get you with the cockroach poop. Oh, it's great because I would pick you to be handling bug turds. I've got yarn. I can tie them. I've got a slingshot, bro. Not a slingshot, but I've got a sling.

I'm going to be looking like David. I just want to be clear. You drafted bug turds on purpose. So that's. Yes, we did not. What's your fourth pick over there, Smarty Pants? Well, look, I have a good fourth pick. I really do.

I know that I haven't been able to figure out what I can carry at this height. So I'm shrinking down, and I'm going with basically a trident, which is a cocktail fork. I'm going with the cocktail fork. That's pretty good. Okay. Yeah, that's going to be my trident. That's a way around. I'm going with the cocktail fork. That's pretty good. Okay.

That's good. Yeah, that's going to be my Trident. That's a way around the whole fork and knife too heavy thing. You just said, give me a smaller version of that. That's right. That's great. Wait, is it too late for me to draft a mini chainsaw? Yes, you have your four picks, Mike.

Would have been great. I select a mini chainsaw. All right. I got my last pick. You have so many four picks, Mike. Would have been great. I select a mini chainsaw. All right. I got my last pick. You have so many good ones, Jason. This is going to be hard for you to pick. I was going to take, until I thought of an even better thing, the thing that I thought was going to come back to me,

were the corn on the cob holders. Oh, you get both. You get them both. Yeah, you talk about daggers. Like a wah, wah, wah. You look like Wolverine. What are those called? If those were too hot.

Corn on the cob holders? I think corn on the cob holders. Yeah. I don't know. It's like a ball and chain is called a ball and chain. So what are you actually going with then? The ball and chain is called a chain mace. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you, Jeremy. Also called an owl, whatever your name is. If it's got spikes on it, it's a flail. Yeah, but it's also known as a ball chain but a ball and chain is that's how you like you put it on old-timey prisoners it's not that's called a wife oh no my last one is you guys have seen uh Trek. I presume. We've seen Star Trek. Yeah, heard of it.

And the Klingons, they have that big, crazy, two-handed weapon. You know what I'm talking about? Because that's what I'm about to draft here with my razor blade. I'm a straight-up razor blade. Oh, you're grabbing that middle of the blade? I'm grabbing it in the middle, and you guys are so screwed. I can use it as a shield. I can just...

Oh, you guys are... I mean, this is a massacre. The massacre is you trying to figure out how you could use a razor blade as a weapon without lopping your arm off. Easily. The middle holes are perfect. Okay. You need to look up Klingon weapons, and you'll see what I'm talking about.

But you drafted a razor blade. Yeah and you'll see what I'm talking about. But you drafted a razor blade. Yeah, you're darn right I did. And I don't even need it. All I need is a spear and I got that with the first pick. We aren't boars, Jason. We're human beings. Okay, now that's a solid point. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, we aren't

boars, Jason. But everybody knows the best way to kill a boar is a number two pencil if you've listened to this show you know so mike has uh i misread it when i was looking it over he has a thumb tag he's got a paper clip he's got some yarn and then i read big turds but it's bug turds he's got bug turds i believe i have both. Thank you. I guess you do. I have a toothpick, a beard trimmer of debatable weight, bottle cap shield, a cocktail fork. Jason has a number two pencil, a sewing needle, a necklace, which I still think might be too heavy, a razor blade. Finishing it. And Jason is busy slacking us pictures of Klingon weapons and thinking that he has fashioned a similar item, which it kind of does look similar.

Yeah, it's going to be great. It's going to be, I'm holding that right on the inside. So we are battling. We are six inches tall and the spit wads can decide who wins this very scientific battle. What did we learn today? Oh, it is easy. Yeah, it's easy for me too. I learned that I don't know what a six inch tall person can lift or do.

Don't draft ways to fight as a six inch tall person. And I learned that if we were all shrunk to six inches, I will murder you fools. I will straight up just decapitate you while you're looking around for something without any creativity. I'm pretty happy with my draft. I'm going to give it my two thumbs up so I can get some votes. I'm confident.

Also on my list, I had G.I. Joe weapons. What else did we have? G.I. Joe weapons, but I wasn't sure what I could actually. Pew, pew, pew. I mean, not on my list, I had G.I. Joe weapons. Yeah, what else did we have? G.I. Joe weapons, but I wasn't sure what I could actually... Pew, pew, pew. I mean, not a pretend plastic gun, but someone had to have... Doesn't Snake Eyes have swords? Yeah.

I mean, it would at least be a hard plastic sword. Yeah. Tweezers was on my list. That would have been great little metal. All right, that's pretty solid. It's like having two spears. Scissors was on my list. That would have been great little metal.

It's like having two spears. I had an original plan of a drain cap, a drain plug as my shield, but I got too concerned. You would say I could not lift that, so I went with bottle cap. I had quarter on my list to be a shield, but then I would just be copying. Can I lift scissors? Can I lift some scissors? No. What about kid scissors?

Sewing scissors you can. Tiff has these little tiny sewing scissors that are so sharp. They are the sharp little- They'd be a hedge clippers as a six inch person. Yeah, that's basically like a six inch person. Hedge clippers the size of you though. It's not, you aren't holding those things out. Your shoulders are not strong enough for that.

No, the scissors that she has, they're like two and a half, maybe three inches. Jason's sewing knowledge has helped him tremendously in this draft. It is a huge benefit. Also, I wanted to draft. This one probably is too heavy, but I wanted to draft a mouse because of the whole ball and chain thing. Like, you swing the cord around. If you can get that thing going.

Oh, that's way too heavy. Yeah, it's too heavy. Oh, computer mouse. I was way off mentally. No, he wanted the mouse to ride. That's what I thought. And then eventually poop and I would also have poop. Because poop is the winner.

Alright, I think we're done. Episode 100 in the books. Well, that was fun. Yeah. Remember Jason's scat at the beginning of this episode? It was so good. He drafted poop right then. Thank you for listening

Goodbye Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast To see what other nonsense the guys are up to Check out SpitballersPod.com Just practicing. Oh, that's smart. Just practicing for next episode. Yeah. Because this one's already over.

It's finished. But sometimes you got to prepare to scat for the intro. And hey, if you enjoyed this episode, please head over to spitballerspod.com. Learn ways that you can support this show and learn ways that we can support you. Support us supporting you. It's symbiotic. It's a beautiful cycle. SpitballersPod.com.