Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 101: Butt Breathing & The Weakest Link

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

Our most requested segment is back today! Liar Liar! Once again, the guys put their intellect up against the clever Owl. Will this be the first time one of the hosts can see through all the lies? But before that, we discuss some ‘Would You Rather’ scenarios involving chewing someone else’s gum, wearing dirty clothes for a week, and finding the Holy Grail. We finish this episode off with a battle royale draft with a twist. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Become a spitwad today. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Beep boop, beep beep boop, ding dong. Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop. That's how you go back to back after that sensational episode 100, Scat.

Starting with that one. All right. Beep, boop, while we're starting over. Episode 101. And actually- That was a stinker. And that's my first stinker out of- Ever?

And you can sit in it. It feels bad. Yeah. The rest of this episode, I hope you're tilted. Hey, listen. I want to say something here. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. This is actually- Go ahead. sit in it it feels bad yeah the rest of this episode i hope you're tilted hey listen i want to say something here yeah go ahead go ahead go ahead go ahead this is actually episode 100 guys we did it because somewhere along the way people pointed out to us that we skipped a number or something happened where there's like some missing episode i don't know what happened but we found

out about it like 70 episodes ago we were too pot committed that we were saying the episode but as you know look last episode it was a lie we said it was 100 no don't say that jason that scat i just dropped is on episode 100 and that's not acceptable the episode you're referring to it was just too funny. Hazardous to the health of everyone. I thought to myself, what if a robot, you know, was to scat? But with low battery.

But it just didn't have enough. Didn't I robot scat like a couple weeks ago? Maybe. Well, not like that. Not like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah.

A bing bong. The boop was different than the beep. And then I ended with a ding dong because that's what robots do. Robots love ding dongs. It was a robot on a dying battery approaching your front door. Thank you, Mike, for seeing through the weeds. I follow you now. Very avant-garde of you.

Yeah, I was highly intelligent. Would you rather, liar, liar, a very entertaining draft today on the show. It's going to be a lot of fun. At SpitballersPod on Twitter. Head over to SpitballersPod.com. Learn how you can become an official Spitwad, a supporter of the show, and you can contribute your ideas. If you want, you might even suggest some different scat ideas. Nobody's done that before, but clearly they're needed. I don't know how I would take that advice. If they said, I want a scat like you're at a mountain range.

What does that mean? I need a scat like a wolf eating a candy bar there you go there you go and then just how at the end you just wasted a great scat man right in the middle of the episode so uh very excited to be with you let's start it off would you rather david from patreon says would you rather choose someone else's already chewed gum every time that you had bad breath or have another person blow on you to cool you off every time you were hot gross times gross is gross someone else's already chewed gum now what is still minty that well yeah

i want to know what is the condition of this gum is this if it's already chewed man it doesn't have any flavor we all know that doesn't take much chew to get rid of the flavor it's about the consistency man like am i am i restarting the the motor on this gum is it is it hard and dry or is it like it's that matters it's still yeah i know it's gross but you're not restarting the motor that you're you're in it does seem to matter to me is it gross if i say i don't mind if another person blows on me to cool me off every time i'm hot like that's not gross it's interesting efficient yeah no but i don't have to do the work here and so it's actually rather efficient and blows on me to cool me off every time I'm hot. Like, that's awesome. It's not gross. It's interesting. It's inefficient. Yeah, no, but I don't have to do the work here, Andy.

So it's actually rather efficient from my side. I do nothing, and I get a little bit of extra air put on me. But they've got to be pretty close and pretty healthy. And pretty healthy, that's true. Don't need any old germs. Yeah. Not that the gum is a good germ situation. Right.

Yes. Oh, no. Oh, I, you know, I'm proud. One of my life accomplishments is having never been tempted to take gum off the bottom of a desk or a shoe and then eat it again. I've never done that. Really? No, never. And so I don't know what that would be like.

Sometimes you got to step out on the wing, man. Do you? Do you really? No, I've never done this. I guess with the would you rather you have to here, I think I will take, yeah, I guess I'll take the one Jason did. Okay, so you have to think about how this is physically happening.

This person is quite close. They are in your personal bubble because they can't be six feet away. They can't be three feet away. They are all up in your business blowing on you, and that is so gross. But can that build you up? That's real bad. Can that build you up? It that build you up bad can that can that build you up like it's like a you know you're gonna build you up i don't care about like an inflatable no i don't not like an inflatable like like you're you're you know you let's say you've got an assistant and their job is to you know they've got a little portable electric fan

and and they you know they fan you off oh no the fan's out of batteries and i'm like well it looks like you're got you know give me give me your wind and then i just go about my business give me your wind and then i go about my business while this person has to blow on me to cool me down you're telling me that's not gonna make me feel pretty good like this person i am telling you it will not make you feel good at all okay and i would rather i think i'd rather be like have my shame you know what i'm not involving another person yes i'm changing no because i figured out a loophole i only have to chew that gum when i have bad breath i'm brushing my teeth 8 10 20 times a day i'm not gonna have to chew this gum because my breath is not going sour.

I'll buy the mouthwashes. I'm going to protect myself. That is a really good loophole you found. I mean, genuinely, if every hour you just rinse some Listerine, you're never having to chew another person's gum. I mean, technically, there is a loophole for the other one. You could just never be hot, but in your case, there's no loophole. Someone would be right here, right now, blowing on me literally this second. I'm so hot. Mike, do you want to cast your final vote here? Oh, I'm taking the gum. All right. Big Boss

from Patreon. Oh, coming in from the Big Boss. Oh, all right. Big Bows. Ties are on tight. Big Bows. Big Bows. Would you rather not be able to shower for a week oh no but wear clean clothes each day or have to wear the same clothes for a week but you can shower daily so you are choosing the order in which you get dirty the way that you get dirty so here's what i have learned from sometimes extra time at home

when you don't shower the smells that can happen are surprising surprising to yourself surprising to others and that happens in about two days seven days from now there ain't no clean clothes in the world that are gonna make me smell okay is impossible not happening and on the flip side i have a pair of basketball shorts have you you've been wearing them every day you're not you're not watching them too often they have been worn i couldn't count the number i could i could not tell you the number of days that i have no i don't wear these 100 of the time you know i'm proud to be pantsless a lot but um proud but when i do wear pants they're the same unwashed basketball shorts uh So I don't really have a huge problem with the unwashed clothes because I don't wear clothes all that often.

I've been wearing the same shorts for a very, very long time. Yes. I mean. Yeah. It's. This is just my life now. So. And.

How many times will you guys wear a pair of jeans? Normal life. Oh, without washing. Yeah. You got a pair of jeans. How many times will you wear them before pair of jeans in normal life without washing? Yeah, you got a pair of jeans. How many times will you wear them before that's got to go in the washer? Four times, six times, five times. Until I spill on them. Right, until other people can tell how long it's been.

If there's no stains on the denim, I'm letting it ride, baby. I mean, it's funny because i remember as a young man like i would never actually never wash their denim ever yeah you're talking to one right now i mean i think some psychopaths out that no i used to when when i was a young man i i didn't i mean i wouldn't wear a long time ago jeans yeah i wouldn't wear jeans without washing like if i wore those yesterday then those go in the dirty clothes and you wash them and then you can't wear jeans without washing. Like if I wore those yesterday, then those go in the dirty clothes and you wash them and then you can't wear them until they're clean. But my point is.

But you've been known for having really smelly legs. Have I? Oh, I don't know. This is breaking news for me. Oh, no. Have you guys been talking about this behind my back? Here comes old smelly legs again. Oh, man.

That person that always cools you down told me that yeah well they would know um yeah so i mean here i dirty clothes if i'm clean are they really dirty yep well this is the same argument as the towel which going back to that i have come to uh this is something on a former episode where you know, how often do you need to wash a towel or whatnot. Since we had that discussion, towels are disgusting, man. Towels are so gross. And they are never clean. You get out with your clean body and you wipe off, you're getting dead skin cells coming off of you because of the shower.

I mean, that towel's filthy and i want everybody out there to know that when you reuse your towel you're disgusting uh but i'll take the uh i'll take the but i'll wear the same clothes every day i'll wear the same clothes well if i gotta pick one i'm i will be clean i will have uh dirty clothes all right all right mike which did you go with i I'm going showering. I'll just wear the same clothes every day. Hey, I guess I have to go that way too. All right.

Not showering for a week is meh. All right. Conrad from the website. Would you rather find the Holy Grail or the lost city of Atlantis? Someone's going to need to remind me what the lost city of Atlantis represents. What? Yeah. Isn't that just some like it's just a city

under the water somewhere like it was a city and now it's like underwater but it but the stories of atlantis are it was a uh a city of such technological advancement that like it would be comparable or surpass us even today like that's the myth of why Atlantis is so great. But now take what we know about electronics and technology and put that underwater and then recover it. How great is their technology recovered from underwater? But what if you find it and they were so advanced that there was some sort of bubble?

So they're actually cool. They're just chilling and living under the ocean. I mean, that'd be all right but would i get uh like to live forever because i'm pretty sure isn't the holy grail yeah that's yes that's i mean we're we're playing out the the you know the mythology of of both things so yeah you would live to live forever with the holy grail and doesn't it cure isn't it supposed to cure any like you've got a problem my back pain would probably clear right up if we're in indiana jones rules you pull it report right on the uh the bullet wound and it goes away oh man but it's all it's smoky it hurts a lot i'll take the pain man i'll take the pain for a long time i'll take it

for thousands of years because the cup of a carpenter i mean in theory you live long enough to find atlantis at some point if you if you sip that cup don't you got like endless generations that's how it works just keep searching we're in indiana jones rules here if you've seen the night like that guy couldn't lift his sword up without falling over that's true that's true your body still breaks down you're alive but are you really alive that is indiana are you telling me that that guy had been drinking from the cup yes yes that cup didn't do very much alive for hundreds of years oh but maybe he drank it first when he was already that old mike yeah that was a last ditch sip like i'm about to die oh i found this cup i thought i'm already old what's what's

the lost civilization of gold like the the the sea below yes the uh i don't think it was mayans was it incans yeah i think something like that but like i thought that you know yeah the city underwater technology doesn't excite me now there, if it was a city of gold... What if under the water is a flying bike, a flying motorcycle, and you can get it to work now? So I'm either choosing live forever or die tomorrow. Those are my two choices there with my flying motorcycle. I'm taking the cup of life. I mean, what if underwater there's a shark that had technology

don't you want that no no i don't oh i'm going with the grail i mean but i think you have to go with the thought process of there are there's no there's no healing power there's no healing power. There's no eternal life from the cup. There's no tech. You're just finding a cup. No, it's just a cup. No, I get it. But it still has archaeological importance. Like, this is...

The cup of Christ. It would be a big deal. Yeah. In a museum, you could go see the Holy Grail. People would go to see it. The same way that if you found the city of Atlantis, people would be very interested in it. So if you just...

You had to attach your name to the discovery of one, which would you go with? I would still absolutely go with the Holy Grail. The city would be fun to explore. It's a big city. It's just a cup. A cup for an entire city, Jason. Yeah, I'm going to take the meaning

behind the Holy Grail over someplace where it's like okay i found the city they're not they're not doing tours you know what i mean it's like they're not taking the city out like if you find some cool thing at the bottom of the ocean no we'll do is it really that cool yeah that's a good question finding the titanic was pretty cool yeah you've been there you've seen it no personally no i've seen it on video yeah yeah all right uh you guys want to do some liar liar oh my favorite yes this is always fun liar liar pants on fire i am coming after you al borland You're not getting me this time, bud. I know. We need one where we just smash Al and put him in his place.

He's really dominated us over the course of this segment. All right, so two of these are true. One is a lie. Yeah. Right? And I'm going to see right through it. This shouldn't be that hard. It's so easy.

It shouldn't be that hard. And yet. I'm going to lay him over my lap, give him a spank in here with this liar, liar. Let's go out. All right. Round one. If you stretch all the DNA coils in your body into a straight line, it would be twice the diameter of our solar system.

Okay. Okay. All right. I know it's long. It's long. It's very long number two the killer whale is a natural predator of the moose okay i buy it i buy it yeah yeah willie al's not smart enough to make up one that simple and number three according to a recent Gallup poll, 33% of Americans know their mailman by name.

Impossible. Yeah. Impossible. What's tough about this is there's a lot of rural America out there. Look, I just can't fathom it. We had a friend of ours who posted recently that they were saying goodbye to their mailman. Yeah. Wait, what?

I have no idea who brings me the mail. Maybe it's a robot. Maybe it's Andy's robot from the beginning of the show. What? I've never known my mailman ever. I could not tell you if I have a mailman or a mailwoman. No idea. I mean, I've never seen them.

I don't know when they come, when they deliver mail. Or a male moose. Or a male moose. Could be a male moose. I don't know. Which is a natural prey of the killer whale. That's a lot. That's like saying, look, there's three of us right here.

Do any of us know our male person by name? Talking about old Rudy? Rudy. Owl. Owl. There's four of of us do you know your male person by name i do oh no what no you don't that's a lie that would only be 25 but we all live in the same city liar i look i'm i'm casting my official vote i think the dna one is the lie that's my final answer i think the killer whale is a natural predator, and I think that 33% of Americans know they're mailmen because there are small towns all over this country.

I am locked into the DNA. No way that's a lie. That's true. Oh, man. So I'm between the other two. But here's the thing about the moose. I'm trying to answer both. I think anything that goes near water where killer whales are a killer whale

is a natural predator of that animal but are there killer whales up there where there's the moose oh you you're a devious one and as soon as andy said the rural areas i'm, man, that's right. 33%? Is Gallup doing a lot of polling in mailman inquiries? Is that what they're doing these days? I know. I'm going to go with the Americans not knowing they're mailmen. Okay. That's the lie? I'm going to say that's the lie.

33%? I'm going DNA, Mike. Which one are you doing? Oh. Dang it, Mike. Which one are you doing? Well, dang it, man. So one of us has to go 3-0 against Al Borland. There's only one way

that can happen. No, that's not true. You're saying he's got to... To guarantee that there's a possibility in round two. Okay, sure. But you got to go

with what's right, Mike, because that's the best way to go 3-0. That was my point. The you got to go with what's right, Mike, because that's the best way to go 3-0. That was my point. The only way to go 3-0 is to get the correct answer on each. Yeah, you're not going to do it with the wrong one. I feel like he's trying to trick me with the post worker because of what happened on Facebook. All right, I'm going whale.

I'm locking it in. All right. It's not true. I think the DNA one's going to be like the Earth, not the solar system. What do you say, Al? Which one's right? Which one's wrong? Jason's right.

Yes! Eat it, Al! Eat it! The mailman was made up, and yes, it was inspired by our friend's recent post. Oh, fantastic. Dang it. Oh, so who's going 3-0? This guy.

All right. You got a ways to go. It's all up to you, man. Yep. Yes. All right. You two bow out. I'll take care of this Al character. Okay. Wait. It's all up to you, man. Yep. Yes. Alright. You two bow out. I'll take care of this owl character. Okay. Wait. No. No. Hold on. My goal is to beat Jason now. That's all I care about.

So, owl, were you trying to influence us saying you know who delivers your mail? A hundred percent. I have no idea who delivers your mail. Yes. You're a liar. Liar. This is such a... What a segment. Well done. Now I know I can trust nothing out of his mouth during this segment round two the term poetry was coined after the late edgar allen poe prior to this

it was simply known as verse or prose well that's very plausible okay named after john John Plossway. Alan Poetry. All right. The Amazon River is about 4,000 miles long. There is not a single bridge across it. Ooh. All right. Okay. Okay. And then the third one, every Canadian is allowed to get a free Canadian flag from the government.

However, if ordered today, current wait times exceed 100 years okay the specificity of that i know but he's fooled us with some of that before i know i know he's really clever i've got mine i'm locking it in okay because the poetry thing coined after edgar allen poe is there's no way he made that up if he made that up he's the most clever liar in the world i just and so and then the specificity of the the current wait times exceeding 100 years is so goofy i'm going with the amazon river about 4 000 miles long but but not having a bridge across it i've seen i mean fictional tales where people i've seen dora the explorer take a bridge over that amazon you've seen a cartoon version of the amazon river and that is the basis of this live action the dora dora dora the explorer movie that's funny because the one where I'm saying there's no way it's possibly true,

it's the one about Edgar Allen Poe. There's just no way they didn't coin the word poetry before Poe was writing. I'm going with Jason. I'm going Amazon River. Verse and prose? Sure. I'm going Amazon River. Jason, are you locking in or are you changing?

I'm locking in, but I'm worried about that. I'm worried that Jeremy is a fantastic liar. We already know who he is. But he's put way too much time into this if he's come up with these other two. It's got to be the Amazon River. I'm sticking to my guns. I'm taking them down for the first time ever. And Mike, you're going with that ground pole one?

Yes. All right. Al? You're not going 3- oj no mike got this one right yeah uh yes we're back do you have any hot facts of the actual truth of that term or did you just a big liar altogether just a big liar all right the turbo tree is way older than edgar allen poe Just a big liar. All right. How did you come up with that? The term poetry is way older than Edgar Allan Poe.

Did you? Okay. Is this something where you went to common myths and you found that? Is that how you- Is that how that I had actually heard before? Yeah. Oh, that is so clever. Poe is like the late 1800s.

They've had to have had the word poetry way before then. I feel like poetry does sound like- Was he named after poetry? I do feel like an idiot now yeah round three a group of sea cucumbers is called a salad okay all right okay number two the distance between the united states and russia is about four kilometers or 2.5 miles i buy that yeah sarah palin taught me that number three during hibernation turtles breathe through their extremely vascular anus oh come on what i want that to be the lie more than anything in the world so that al has made that phrase up. That is so important to me.

So you're telling me that it's possible that while in deep sleep, a turtle breathes through their super strong butt. Vascular. Super vascular. Oh, my gosh. And it's not just a sphincter. Does that make it a venus? A venus?

Vascular? Oh, man. The distance between between united states and russia that's out like that that's that's true unless it's like oh it's actually 25 no he doesn't do that to us though no he doesn't he doesn't do that he never takes those cheap he's a noble liar but i know that alaska comes really close so so this is really about whether a group of sea cucumbers is called a salad. I am locking in the turtles. I'm extremely vascular anus. Because here's the problem. How does that even make sense? Turtles don't hibernate.

Wait. What? I feel like I should be able to lean on mike for some of this scientific stuff i i feel moderately confident that i've heard sea cucumbers a group is called a salad now what is a sea cucumber is that there is that an animal is that a plant is that well i don't know what a sea cucumber is classified as an animal it's just a plant? I don't know what a sea cucumber is. I don't know if you'd classify it as an animal. Is it just a cucumber in the sea? Isn't that a type of coral?

I don't know, but they move around and they eat things. Or they flop around in the ocean. See, Mike's certain about the turtles, but doesn't know what a sea cucumber is, which is just throwing my confidence out. No, I don't know how to explain what it is. It's fine. You go your own way, man, but I'm locked in. Okay.

Jason? I have disrespected Owl in his ability to lie. I think I'm going to respect him for the first time in our long friendship, and I'm going to say that he came up with the extremely vascular anus thinking that he wouldn't make that up as a lie. It's too obvious. So I am actually going with that. I am taking the turtles.

So you two are going to split the tie? No. I'm useless. I just want to win. I'll just go see cucumbers. I think that one's a lie. Al, what's right? You're on the board, Andy. Yeah will never respect you again now i give you respect look what i get for it they not only do

they hibernate mike but they've got an extremely vascular anus that's what mike was surprised about like yes no way They hibernate. I think the surprising part was that they breathe through their extremely vascular anus. Okay. Well, I feel like we all learned something, but only got one right each. Oh, my goodness. Did we really only get one right each? Yeah. Al's undefeated at this game.

Man, I hate that guy. I hate him. He can't hear us right now, right? No, he's not. He's not on video, so he's i hate that guy i hate him he can't hear us right now right no he's not he's he's not on video so he's doing really here he's doing laps around his block celebrating his post man who doesn't know yeah all right let's draft the spitballers draft all right where did we get this idea, Al? Did this come in from a spitwad, or was this from your lying brain? This came in from a spitwad.

All right, so we had the idea to do... I love that. Let's keep that up. Because he's a liar. He's a liar. A big liar. And a scoundrel. He's got a vascular...

Anyways, we are drafting the you could say it however you want figure write it up how you want al but we are each drafting four tv characters it is a battle royale battles on but we are trying to draft a losing team we are trying to draft a losing team. We are trying to draft the weakest team of TV characters that is most assuredly going to lose and get their booties whooped in this Coliseum. All right. Let me say when you vote, you're voting for the best of the worst. You're voting for the worst. You're voting for the worst. But I was just thinking, if i were to draft all the best

you know i'm gonna go get you know he-man or something i wonder how many votes i get at the end for people not reading being confused for now they're just gonna look at the battle royale and and i run away with the victory now there are a lot of the worst there are a lot of bad tv characters that in some ways i'd love to see get beat up in a coliseum and i got the first pick and i i i'm sorry but this guy's doing me no favors this little one oh no i'm taking kaiju yeah i knew it i knew it Caillou is my number one pick because worthless. I did not realize that cartoons were allowed in this draft. Yeah, I mean, look, he doesn't even qualify as a cartoon because he's that much of a loser. He doesn't qualify as anything.

Caillou is being drafted number one overall because it's like not having to pick one person to help at all right it's like picking nothing the air the only thing that guy does is lose i mean he's never done anything right in his life so that's a strong one grow hair so he can join my team wow so okay all right this draft is not going the way i thought it was going to go all right well well jason you're on the uh no no no this goes to no i'm sorry mike's on the mic's up well i will i will try to compete here jason you all right well no i just really hate that my hatred for kayu is for so universal with the rest of the world.

Yeah. You know, I deserve to have, I deserve to have Caillou. All right. So that'd have been your one-on-one Jason. Oh, 100%,

100%. Caillou was the one-on-one. Are cartoon animals allowed? I'm trying to figure out the rules here. It's just humans. Just humans. Okay. Fictional people.

Okay. I will take, uh, speaking of guy who this this draft feels kind of mean. Yeah, this is going to be a real mean draft. What a bunch of losers. I'll take Brian Ketron. But just a loser where this show currently has three seasons,

and two of the seasons were based off of this guy just basically being completely helpless and I will take Will from Stranger Things. Oh, man. Oh, wow. That kid. The worst, man. Take care of yourself. Seriously.

Grow up already. That's a good pick. It was not on my list. He's not going to help you in that fight. Oh, no. No way. He's going to help because he's going to go sit and cry in the corner. He's immediately trapped by the other team. He loves Caillou.

The thing about Caillou is he'll at least be... I don't think Caillou will understand what's happening. At least he can be a distraction for your team. I think that he has the benefit of doing that, that someone's going to go after him. Meanwhile, will is just not going to be in the fight at all. He'll be hiding.

Oh, all right. All right. All right. So this is, this is tough. Um, all right.

I've got my two picks. I feel like I'm forced into one of these because you've both gone with a kid and, you know, I was hoping. so i feel like i feel like i've got to go at least one kid to just make sure i don't have too much strength on my team um and so i i'm the only other cartoon uh animated character i had on my list i'm gonna take because this guy knows how to die and it's kenny from south park At the end of everything, he's always dead.

He's always dead, but then he is always back, Jason. You just took a character who can't die. I just need to lose the battle. I just need to lose the battle. But you can't lose. He can't die. He dies so often, and he will die at the end of this fight. And then be back.

Well, for the next fight, which he will die at the end of this fight and then the other one uh well for the next fight which he will lose um and then i will take um uh toby flinderson from uh the office toby is yes toby's the worst that guy's that guy's the worst i'm with mike scott toby is he deserves to be in this fight he deserves to get beat up uh toby will do your taxes and lose in this fight oh my gosh that's a good one all right back to mike oh i am up okay uh i feel like there is a trend of you just well not a trip but the toby one like are you is he really useless or is he just you took him because you want to see him in a fight that see there is that line there where are they actually useless or are you just

wanting to see someone beat up i well i i believe that toby would have no skills in that fight at all and who wouldn't love to see him beat up? He could surprise me. He could. I mean, maybe Will could surprise me, too. Because what's the... No, Will's not surprised. He's gotten out of every bad situation with monsters. Because everyone had to save him. What's the Anchorman character that ends up killing someone with a trident? Brick.

Brick. Brick Topham. So he seemed like somebody you would have picked, and then you get in a fight, and he actually kills somebody. Yeah, and all of a sudden, he's the savage. He's the alpha. Maybe Toby is a savage. All right, so you've got Kenny and Toby.

Mike has Will from Stranger Things. The last thing we want to do is win this fight, Mike, and you need to make another pick. I know, and I have the pick that I want to go with. Oh, shoot. But now I've got to play the game of the draft because there are some people who I think have some strong name recognition here. Jason is...

Jason, there's no way we're thinking of the same person as you. There's way too many options. But my 101, I just looked at my list and I forgot the person that I... I would have... If I had the first pick, I would have gone Caillou and if that was ruled illegal because of animation, then it would have been this other person who is still on the board.

I can't believe I didn't. Oh my gosh. I'm very excited for the draft to get back to you. So I have a couple characters, big name value, very annoying characters in their respective shows. And this one, he's supposed

to be annoying and this is, I'm sorry, nerds, I'm among you, but i'm stereotyping him as this guy's fragile i will take screech powers oh yeah from the bell first thought he was gonna get back to me that was my number two oh i played the game correctly you did play the game correctly so screech no that's a great pick i mean look, look, you are looking at these, not necessarily with, I mean, with many of them, maybe you want to see them beaten up. But others, they might say, hey, I'm with you, and they just aren't helpful.

They're just not going to get the job done. If he was in the fight and trying his best, I think he would get seriously hurt. So that's a solid pick. I mean, that's the hope. I mean, I'm hoping he's not building robots and making cool weapons. Now, I want to say this. Unlike Caillou, I like this next draft pick a lot, but he's not going to be helping my team win a battle

because his name is Fred Rogers. So I'm picking Mr.'s with the second pick he's not on my list that is so good that is and he is a passive old man dang it that's a good one he is and no mike the rumors the old snopesable rumors about him being in the war are false. Okay, that's what I was going to check. Which is 100% what you were looking for, I'm sure. But no, he is a very- So he was not in the army? No, he was not. He was not.

So that is a common misconception of Mr. Rogers. All right. He is just a nice man who plays the piano and would get his butt whooped in a battle royale. Unfortunately for you, that rumor exists out there because somehow it was in the recess of my mind. There are going to be people who think that. I'll bet he was.

He most certainly was, Jason. You are correct. He's a hardened bat. He was probably a seal. His most aggressive move in his life was playing Row, Row, Row Your Boat too hard on the piano. I've seen him with his bloody hands after ripping someone's throat out. That's right.

Is this my own blood? Fred Rogers, we thank you for your service to this great country. Oh, stop it. But I've also seen videos of him straight up flipping off kids like and you've seen it too you can google that it's a real thing this is you guys are turning on him well i mean fred rogers or rather turning him into something else mr rogers behind the scenes i have another stick i have another pick um i don't know which one to go with though i'm so terrified of picking the wrong one um oh i really am i have other characters that i want to see beaten up and that's the honest truth

i want to see him beaten up um there's no way this guy's helping me i'm taking ross geller when i said there's there's a couple guys with real name power who were the worst on their I'm taking Ross Geller. When I was thinking about the two, there's a couple guys with real name power who were the worst on their show. It was Screech and Ross. See, worse. Ross is going to beat some of these guys up, though. I totally get that you want to see him beaten up, and he was annoying and the worst on

he's a slap fighter at best oh oh 1000 not with this is not a closed fist man and with this group he's gonna be able to succeed with a lot of slaps it's not gonna take what's your super pick jay he's not it's not to me oh nice try no you can't you can't bake the pick you gotta let that happen all right i i'm went uh i'm going very polar opposite from my pick of will from stranger things i will go from young to very old very fragile oh no i will take larry david from curb your enthusiasm oh because that man does not know how to fight and he's going down immediately i wonder what he would do though he's so aggressive he is oh no he's he's he's not with his vocals i mean he's just yes he will yell a lot that might scare kai you right away oh he will scare physicality he is terrified

okay well let me ask you if he's terrified of this character who you scared me was going to go off the board. Look, there are three great options here. And I don't know the specifics of the show well enough to really pick the right one. So I'm going with the actress I know. But I'm taking Rose from the Golden Girls because Betty White out there in a fight is... I don't think you want to do that, man. Golden Girls because Betty White out there in a fight is.

I don't think you want to do that, man. Oh, you're telling me that you just drafted Larry David could play the game of chicken with Betty White on the shoulders running around having a good time. I don't know. Betty White is still kicking, though. Yeah. Betty White is a beast. She probably doesn't. She's a lot like Kenny. She won't die. She's the opposite of Kenny. is running around having a good time i don't know right is still kicking though yeah betty white is a beast she probably doesn't she's a lot like kenny she's the opposite of kenny she's she'll

never die kenny is not immortal kenny dies every episode it is it is so you're going with it just to be clear golden girls reference here yes i'm going on golden girls i mean i could have gone blanche but i feel like blanche had a real nasty streak. Just so we're aware, did you just name another Golden Girl? Yes. Okay, we don't know any of them first. Yeah, I don't know. Second of all, you just really, really, really hoped a Golden Girl came back to you in the third round.

Absolutely. Is that right? There was part of my strategy before this draft that I thought, maybe I could just draft draft all three I'm going in with the golden girls um you know similar to maybe Mike taking all the ninja turtles all right so I have another pick here is that correct yeah yes that is correct all right um hmm there are some characters that remind me of screech but I think could put on a whoop into most of this group. Don't draft that guy. I feel like there's something sneaky inside of that man. Well, we've already seen his alter ego be successful.

So I'm not going that route. I think I'm going to go old school like Andy, and I'm taking Gilligan. Gilligan from Gilligan's Island scrawny a buffoon never does anything right I feel like that's a little too new compared to Golden Girls though right right I'm going classic here but there's a problem for you Jason you we did a superpower draft and you were insistent that luck is a top-notch superpower you want to know who you want who has the superpower of luck the guy that got stranded on an island is his superpower is luck he wasn't the captain he didn't steer the boat into the disaster i but he was lux into things he just lux into being on the boat that crashes you both have strong points here. What a lucky dude.

All right, back to Mike with his final pick. Mike has Will from Stranger Things, Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell, Larry David from many places, but Curb Your Enthusiasm, and then one final pick here for the weakest team in a big old battle. Man, I'm torn here between who I think would be the weakest and the... or just the character that... You want to see punched?

You just... We'll have to go through some of our picks that don't make it because there's some punchable names in there. All right. And since we are... The old school television shows have have been alive in here so i will take someone i'm assuming like you know what they say about assuming but i'm pretty sure

he will not be able to fight i will take niles crane from frazier i like it man i like it i almost thought i thought about frazier himself but Niles is way worse. Oh, Frazier could definitely handle himself. That man could handle fists. But Niles, no. Niles Crane. I saw Frazier on a couple of these lists as in most annoying. Oh, what? Well, no, no, no.

But when I saw it, I was like, oh, no, Frazier would be awesome. I didn't even think of that. And that's a solid pick there. All right. I've got Caill mr rogers ross from friends and i'm gonna close it out there there are so many to choose from still people i'd like to see punched but this man this man could not handle himself in a battle and that's richard hendricks from silicon valley that was a late addition to my list. That is a great pick.

Yeah, Richard Hendricks would be very funny to watch get whooped. Yeah, he'll just puke. I've seen him kick through a door, though, all the way through it. Was he puking mid-kick? No, but yeah, maybe he's got some strength that we don't know about. Well, compared to this group of characters, I think the two strongest are clearly Ross and Mr. Hendricks. Well, my goal here is to be the first team eliminated. So Ross is key to that because they're going to want to go run to my team and take care of him.

But this will be very interesting. I think you're going to win the draft with Caillou alone. I mean, Caillou's on the list. It's possible, yeah. So I thought about, here's some other ones I thought about. Thought about going with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. I had Tommen on the list. It's possible, yeah. So I thought about, here's some other ones I thought about. Thought about going with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. I had Tommen on my list. Joffrey would be,

he's the sneaky cruel. You'd want to kill Joffrey, but he might actually have like a weapon. That's the problem. And I thought that Tommen was weak. And he's thirsty for blood. Yeah, Tommen's weak. Thought about Kimmy Gibbler.

She's on my list. She's absolutely on my list. I mean, new or old. Both annoying. I thought about Dawson from Dawson's Creek. Dawson, I was... Because of the meme. The meme.

I went... I was almost taking him legitimately, and then I flipped to Niles at the last second. Okay. All right. Urkel was the aforementioned character that... I feel like Urkel would get it done. I feel like Urkel would go Stefan right in the middle of I feel like Urkel would get it done Urkel would get it done

on my list I also have Ted from How I Met Your Mother who is basically Ross I haven't seen that show and then the name power wasn't strong enough but Kim Bauer from 24

all she was good at was getting into trouble and getting okay i remember that she was the worst of the worst that's good a lot of times in 24 hours she could do that yes uh go ahead jake do you was that all your list mike i well i also i had michael scott on the list i thought but i didn't want to go i didn't want to double up with the office characters. I feel like if you were in a fight, he'd be useless. Michael Scott would think he could do it, but he would actually be a massive detriment. He would take the field first. He would immediately rush to the center as the champ and then die.

So you're right in that. I've got Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec. You could also go with Jerry, Larry, Gary. Jerry, yeah. Jerry. You could go Jeremy Jam as well. I thought about Jeremy Jam. But he's a killer, man.

Yeah, you got to respect him. You got jammed. Al Boylan brought up Doug. Oh, okay. Doug's not doing a lot for you. He could beat up Tua. Tobias. The Quail? Doug. Oh, okay. Doug's not doing a lot for you. He might turn into Tobias. The Quail? Quailman.

Yeah. Tobias Fuque from Arrested Development. He can be crying in the corner. Ned Flanders? No. Ned Flanders is ripped, man. Oh, that's right.

I'm glad I didn't make that mistake. No, I remember that. What was the other one you just said, Mike? Raymond. From Everybody Loves Raymond. Dude, that guy's like 6'6", isn't he? Yeah, but he's not a fighter. Yeah, but you got the range.

I mean, how are some of these little guys? No, no. You're thinking of Robert. Yeah, not his brother. Robert's the big one. Ray is just Ray Romano. Ray-bid. I feel like he's got to be 6'3 or so.

All right. We can find out. So, Tobias, George Costanza was on my list. I'm not a Seinfeld. Oh, no. He'll fight dirty. He'll fight dirty. Okay.

See, I didn't know the specifics there. Carlton from Fresh Prince was on the list. Rory Gilmore. Who. Rory Gilmore. Who? Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls? Oh, gosh. There's a funny story about the Gilmore Girls. Apparently, it's a beloved show

and my wife has been convinced that she needs to go through it now. Holy crap, that show was insufferable. I didn't know which way you were going on that. Oh, man. Why are they talking so fast? They're very witty.

Everyone is the wittiest person. No one stammers over a single word, and they don't take any time to think of their retorts. Oh, man, I can't handle it, Mike. I can't handle it. It's not for me. All right. oh man i can't handle it i can't handle it it's not for me all right what did we learn today i think we all know what we learned today and it refers to a turtle yeah that's what i learned extremely vascular anus and i mean bro uh jeremy is a great liar yeah that's what I learned today is that Jeremy will go undefeated.

Al Borland will be undefeated for the future of Liar Liar. I can't peg him down. And there's been so many of these segments. Next time. Next time. Yeah, next time. I'll get him next time. It's just unbelievable.

Yeah. I got to scat better, though. I learned that, too. It's been a while. I needed a bad one I just needed to keep my edge Thank you for tuning in We'll see you next time, goodbye Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast To see what other nonsense

the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com oh that was a lot of fun hilarious what a show thank you for listening in and if you want to learn more about how you can support the show and get some special spitballers goodies head over to spitballerspod.com and click the become a spitwad button