Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 102: School Bus Criminals & The Lone Survivor

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

The time has come for us to improve more lives with some of the best life advice money can buy. We help out with some listener conundrums such as neighbors who expect favors, parental guitar lessons, and proper bidet usage. We also discuss some of the terrible things that take place on a school bus. We close out the show with an awesome apocalyptic draft that you don’t want to miss. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads. Guess what? Guess what? I know, Mike, you're curious what I'm going to say as well. I have no idea. I want to invite all the spit wads out there that love this show to head over to spitballerspod.com and listen. You can become an official spit wad. That means we're looking at your ideas.

We're taking a look in the spit tank at your ideas. And those are the ones we care about for the show. You get to support the podcast. You get the episodes a little bit early a little bonus bonus for supporting the podcast so uh look we appreciate you over there at spitballerspod.com click that become a spitwad button and that's all there is to it now let's get to the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's a good ding-dong ending, baby. If we don't end with a ding-dong, it's not a real scat.

That's right. I've seen the feedback to the Andy scats. You're siphoning my endings. I unlocked the secret sauce. It's really just a ding-dong, man. Well, I say, but I didn't go, buh, ding-dong. I went, no, llama-dama ding-dong. No, I inspired it, but you made it your own.

Yeah, I took it, and I improved upon it. TBD on the improvement, but we'll take it. It was a good scat I'm not complaining we are just as a impartial third party is the only one here I would say it improved oh thank you so much the best part about that was

to peel back the curtain we were trying to start recording probably what like 15 minutes ago? That's an exaggeration. That's an exaggeration. But then Andy had a call, and it was fine.

And we finally hit record, and we're going. I think I realized about two bars before the scat that I was up. So that was just off the top of the dome it was not it was not bad and we're you know we're doing well as a show scat wise i think we we hit more than we miss i mean not every show has a scat not many shows take the chance on having a scat and we do it's risky business no no risk it, no biscuit. That's what they say. And there's nothing Jason likes more than the scat. It's my favorite part of the Spitballers podcast

of being one of the three hosts here is having to do this. Yes. Well, when Andy says we hit more than we missed, that's because two of you can do it. That's right. And then one third is me. Yeah, we're 100 plus scats in and mike i think we just we just we just admit that jason's kind of he's drinking water from a stein by the way

that is a massive stein of water mr improv vodka mr well who knows mr improv mr ground i know can't handle a simple two bar intro look they're not all winners i've had i've had some gyms i've crushed it a few times i think i think you're has he crushed or has he hit like a six out of ten once like i said crushing it he's cleared the mendoza line we're all right okay well we have a great show for you today. We'll share a review with you from one of our fine Spitballers fans, a would-you-rather, some life advice, a great draft. If you're watching on YouTube.com slash Spitballers, my background right now is a little bit of a hint for what's coming in the draft.

I am amidst a – I'm in a desolate landscape. You look like you're- As is mine. We're drafting favorite things from Arizona, going from Andy's background. Well, you know Arizona would be more rocky than this, Mike, and there'd be cactuses and scorpions everywhere. So this is a much nicer arid landscape.

But let's go ahead and jump right into that review. nicer, arid landscape. But let's go ahead and jump right into that review. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Frank, you very much. He says, five stars, unfiltered, hilarious, factual opinions. I've loved this podcast since I stumbled upon it. I actually went back and listened to every episode. Oh, sorry, Frank.

I never reviewed it because I wanted the review to be perfectly witty and charming. But then I realized what makes this podcast so great is its unfilteredness. This podcast has made many Mondays better. And now that I'm an official spitwad, Fridays as well. I love taking the questions from the show and spitballing with my friends and family 10 out of 5 stars you've done the impossible i didn't think you could do it but frank you very much thank you very much that means he he reviewed it and then he also stole a phone and reviewed it on that phone and that would be 10 out of 5

we recommend as we recommend. As we recommend. Thank you. Thank you very much for that review. It is our goal to make your Mondays better. And then, you know, now we have enough episodes out there that we can make your Tuesdays and your Wednesdays and your Thursdays better for a while until you catch all the way up.

And then it's just crescendoing on Mike's scat. Oh, well, then we have peaked, clearly. But did you guys ever have someone in your life growing up? I don't know. It was a weird flashback you gave me. But did you ever have someone who said the word day differently? I have no idea what you mean. Specifically, I had my band teacher.

But this is an instructor at my place of education. He pronounced it D. So it was on Thursday, we do this on Friday. And it was like, what is... Did you have him arrested? Yeah, I don't think we should. Much later. But it was...

So you... Okay, this is just me that I've had this experience with the crazy teacher? Yeah, there aren't a lot of psychopaths out there so you're you're the only one that's experienced i don't feel comfortable making light of this because i feel like there's a there's something real going on here this is some kind of you know mental shortcoming of that we make your monday better eventually every monday better eventually he drove off in a windowless van and it was just oh yeah that makes sense that makes well welcome to uh making your mondays better oh gross all right that sounds too much like undies yeah making your undies better yeah that none of this works. Let's move on.

Would you rather? All right, this one comes in from Mac. Mac is a Patreon supporter. Oh, thank you, Mac. Would you rather be able to see through physical things, so walls, doors, et cetera, or be able to see through figurative things like scams lies false promises and some fine print this shouldn't be on would you rather this should be a that's a great question it is this mac is a great question it's both could you i've always wondered if you

can see through walls and doors and stuff like that, does that mean you accidentally walk into them? Because you don't see them at all. No, no. You see the outlet. You see the wireframe. Do you? That's the rules of wall hacking. You can control this.

Okay. You can control it. Oh, turn it on and off? Exactly. Turn it on and off. Turn the distance further, closer, whatever you need. This is your ability. This is your ability. This is your life.

But what good does it give you to see? It's excellent for video games when you have to shoot people. That's about the extent of wall hacking that I know of. Paintball games when you have to shoot people. Oh, there you go. Okay, real life application. If you're a SWAT team member and you've got to shoot people, there's so many applications.

It's easier to shoot people if you can see them coming from behind a wall, is what you're saying. Yeah, you want the wall for protection. Much easier, yeah. But the other one, it seems like, especially in our difficult to discern political landscape, all of the consumer fraud that happens, all of the things that take place.

It might be nice to just know truth from a lie at a quick glance. Everything's a lie. You're just going to become a pessimist. You're going to see through everything. All these false promises. Well, you're not going to be a pessimist because you'll just know it's true and you'll realize the world sucks. Exactly. You're going to see through everything all these false promises you're not gonna be a pessimist because you're oh because you'll just know it's true and you'll realize the world sucks exactly you're gonna see through i mean it'll protect you from a couple of big events but all the little things you'd see through every single lie someone says oh yeah i can't wait to come to your birthday it'd be nice

when you're a jerk because that ain't true jason looking slim yeah that's all right i saw right through it mike this is not a an ability that i am coveting right now now now do you just know intuitively or like do you actually hear the person saying the truth and they think they're telling the lie because that's a lot more fascinating to me like a telemarketer calls you with this great offer but then but then you would actually hear them speak the truth i think that that could be that could be fun oh so they just call you up and they say listen sir i'm glad i caught you this afternoon i would like your money your money would make me happy right now it is part of my job is absolute trash but my

commission is gigantic now i have to continue talking and not let you get a word in because otherwise you're going to hang the phone up on me and i will not let that happen that would be more entertaining but i would presume that you just know when someone's telling you something you see you see the truth i'm willing to come down on this truck's price over fifteen thousand dollars but i'm trying to get 35 out of you that would be nice that would and you wouldn't you would i feel like you wouldn't get heartened you wouldn't get all pessimistic if you heard just people telling the truth like that all the time, Jay. If I got to hear them, I would just hate everybody, though.

I mean, it would be like, man, that was a real jerk thing to say because they'd be saying the truth. You'd rather be in a lying. You just believe the lie. Ignorance is bliss. That's a phrase for a reason. ignorance is bliss that's a phrase for a reason right i think if we knew the hearts of mankind we'd be sadder and maybe that's my pessimistic view of the world you're already pessimistic i'm already pessimistic but i also think if i were a burglar how cool it would be to see which safe has the goods so you're gonna go physical things for our safe you're gonna steal things these days

well yeah and usually there's two or three next to each other big right now and you're not sure which to crack but you don't keep your money in a big old safe with a big old one of those turn handles i do keep my cash at home in a safe that is true really when your address your address what's the code i'm tempted to say it no just give us your address and the code yeah that's all we need and your social yeah the address yeah okay um he almost did it well i thought about giving out one of your addresses but um i'm a good well it's a podcast we're recording this we can really edit it i mean that's the truth. Okay, so I will go figurative.

I'd rather just be able to have the upper hand on all these liars. Yeah, it seems more helpful. Also, do you even know your code? Yes, I do know my code. Thankfully, it's... One, two, three, four. It is very simple. There's only four buttons.

It's a little tiny hand gun thing. Triangle, heart, circle, square. It's emojis. No, it's like a hand print. It's emojis. There's four finger cutouts. You've never seen one of the safes like that? I don't have a safe, Jason, because I don't live in the Wild West.

I have that exact same safe. Of course you do. Well, yeah, the gunman has the gun safe, I'm sure. How many safes do you own, Al? Oh, my gosh. That's a good question. He's got safes for his safe. Two.

I knew it had to be more than one. And how far underground are they? They're both above ground. Okay. Incredible. Oh, that's good. That's boring. I am going to start a social media account and i've seen some of these they are extremely

successful just an account on scaring people just waiting around a corner and just boop i'm gonna see them i know when they're coming i don't i can time up every scare perfect i'm taking the physical walls i'm gonna have a blast with this i'm gonna entertain the masses and i will stay positive about people lying to me. Mike and I will start one of those news channel on your side things, and we'll be able to see through all the frauds. So I get both. I listen to your news source.

There you go. Dang it. And I scare the crap out of you. This is great. Derek from Patreon. Would you rather lose all the money you have earned in the past year or lose all of the memories you have gained in the last year? Derek, it's the wrong time to ask that question i was gonna say i was gonna say so i can wipe that i can wipe out 2020 yeah sweet it's gone kapoof but you know what i still got

the money it's a pretty sweet deal and i'm up and go, wow, where'd this money come from? Now, imagine the alternative. Imagine that you've got all your money's gone, but you still had to go through all the crap. Oh, you mean like most people right now? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. For all of us. If we could just smoke bomb 2020, I think most people would.

Okay. Well, here. Versus smoke bombing our cash. Okay. Hold up. Hold up. Five years. Five years.

Five years of money or five years of memory. I'll take the memories. Keep the memories. If I've had no money for five years. I'm not smoke bombing. I mean, if I've had no money for the last five years, we're homeless. So the memories are terrible. It's a strong point.

Right? I mean, the memories are us scrounging for food in the dumpster. Oh, what great memory. Can I wipe both? Well, I imagine you're just, yeah, I guess. So wait, this is weird because it's like a time travel thing then. Am I looking at my last five years in actuality or am I replacing those last five years with homeless memories because there's a big difference no there's no memories there's no memories you're just you're waking up with a gigantic beard

and you don't know how you got there yeah but that's if you take the money and he's saying if you take the memories if you take the money does that change those like there's no way i trade my actual five years of memories with my kids. I didn't go to Disneyland when I had no money, so that's no longer a memory. Al, can you help us here? I don't think anyone can. Yeah, I don't think that's a tough one. It says you lose all the memories you've gained in the last year.

So that would be the normal ones you have with money. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and I'll be the guy taking the money. I'd say if you made $100,000 last year, you now have a $100,000 deficit. Oh, okay. So you just take all the debt. I'd say we ask the next question. Yeah.

That's a great question. Jesse from Patreon. Assuming the salaries are equal equal would you rather be a garbage truck driver or a school bus driver oh this is not what this is a layup this is a layup this is difficult for people this is on a five foot this is i'm six i'm almost six feet tall give me a five foot hoop i will lay that ball right in that garbage truck because i ain't dealing with them monsters there's no reason no reason did you guys ride the bus for any length of your your uh that was it that was the only time for me too so there was when i was in high school there was like a week where we we had moved and we hadn't figured so i rode the bus a couple of times

and it was the weirdest experience i had ever had in my life to that point. And that's as a kid. I can't imagine the drive. I can fix this question. I can fix it. Instead of driving a bus or driving a garbage truck, you're the one throwing the trash in the back of the truck. You're the guy standing there house to house, picking up the trash can, dumping the trash in the truck putting the trash can back and moving on that sounds like a great life that's better than the kids look i as one

who rode a bus for multiple years both my junior high and my high school were interesting were multiple miles away and i saw like i was i thankfully i was thankfully, I wasn't the troublemaker growing up in my youth. But there was a few of them on the bus. And those children in the back of the bus committed horrific acts. Now, horrifically bad crimes. Here's the thing, though. I witnessed a few crimes in my my day as as one who was growing up scaring all the parents with kids on buses right as they wrote a bus they know what

i'm talking about yes congratulations for the wisdom here you're seeing through the lies um your news station is already at work but my thinking is what if bus drivers were paid $250,000? What different bus drivers you would get? Because right now, school bus drivers... Oh, I'm sure they're underpaid. They have to be. It's impossible not to. I'm just saying, like, you know, there's a stereotype. I'm sure there's some wonderful school bus drivers.

But I'm very confident there's some school bus drivers that don't don't care you know i mean i wouldn't care if i but what if i see i feel like if i take the school bus driver i'm gonna come in there like you know the the the teacher that's that's taking the the hard job and gonna rally those kids together i'm gonna make this school bus because you're being paid 250 000 no i'm just saying, it's like any job out there. I'm saying the underpaid, you know, like teachers, right?

If you want to get better teachers or have more people want to go into teaching, people say that... Take your shot at what a school bus driver makes here in Arizona, because I got the number for you. 39, 30, 35,. $39,000. $35,000. $34,116.

Boom! Oh! Here's what I will say about you, Jason. Thinking you can turn around what is happening inside of a bus. Number one, remember how long they are and that there are kids sitting in the back of the bus. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I'll just throw this one instance out of things that I witnessed as growing up. I saw someone. Earmuffs. Earmuffs, kids. Well, no. They'll hear this and go, no, this is horrifying. I saw someone as we drove past a

crossing guard for a different school for the elementary school. Chuck scissors out the window at this crossing guard. These are the people that you're dealing with on your school bus. Jason, you're going to turn this around. Did you go to school at a prison? No.

Was this the problem? Did you know? I didn't have kids at my school that would throw scissors at a person. Because you weren't on the bus, man. Riker Island High School. I remember that. Yeah. You weren't on the bus.

Terrible things happened back there. We need more people. We need more grownups on the bus. This is what we need. Oh, you need a bus driver and then a back of the bus like a butler. I don't know what you'd call him. There's not a butler. I don't know what you'd call him. There's not a butler. I would like to hire you for a back of the bus butler role.

But how does that sound? It pays $11 per year. Do you like some grapes? The alliteration is great. The back of the bus butler? The back of the bus guy's got to be the uh like the airplane air marshal yes it's like they're packing heat and they're just sitting they're sitting in but they're wearing the little spinny caps and acting like the kid i'll tell you what my he's got but he's got a

full beard he's got a full beard but he's back there going hey kids my kids my bus needed that thing because there were some kids that i did not want to be riding the bus with. Because you get lumped in with that, and then the bus driver, like, now everyone on the bus is that kid. And you look like the kind of guy now that would throw scissors, Mike. No offense. You certainly do. Just, I mean, maybe like safety scissors. Yeah, for fun.

Look, if we're changing it to where I have to be the one loading and basically digging through this garbage, smelling like garbage, I am going to be the school bus driver, and I am going to turn that bus into children of gold. You're going to make the inspirational Lifetime movie? I will be Michelle Pfeiffer. You're making the movie where you're the Michelle Pfeiffer? I am going to be Michelle Pfeiffer. Dead Poets Society? No, it wasn't

Dead Poets. It was Something Minds. Yeah, Dangerous Minds. With Coolio. Coolio. Yeah, I'll be Coolio. The kids would love me. The kids always love me.

Those are the words from a person who has never been on a bus with junior high kids. All right. This question comes in from Mush. Mush from the website. Mush. Would you rather see everything upside down or hear everything in reverse holy moly so like you're uh i have questions you're a bat so you are visually are your eye it's like your eyeballs are upside down yes it's like your eyeballs are

upside down i feel like you would just adjust to that, wouldn't you? Eventually. If that's what life is. Eventually you would, yeah. If I'm walking on the ceiling. And wouldn't you adjust to hearing in reverse, though? No. You would never learn language?

If you heard everything in reverse, wouldn't you learn it? That's a great point. If that happened from the very, very beginning, because then that would just be your language. No, because your sound is determinative of everything you do and say. I mean, you wouldn't speak out. You wouldn't be able to talk right if everything that you're hearing is in reverse. And so nobody would understand you. That's what I would.

That part is true, but you would understand everybody else. Right, but if I fully adjust to being upside down, maybe there maybe there's even benefits there seeing the world from a different perspective you don't you're not buying it let's flip this upside down i don't even sound like a wacky school bus driver hey kids hey kids i got some lionel richie, dancing on the ceiling over here. I can't really comprehend seeing the world upside down. Isn't there something where when you look through some kind of water or... Mike, you love science.

Keep going. Isn't there something where when you when you look through a cup it flips it flips everything upside down i don't know about upside down but i mean the light gets diffracted so it gets the light bends and makes things appear he's jason is actively googling how do i see things upside down i'm sure your head over prism or something you can look at that would flip everything upside down. All I have found is how you can flip a cup of full water upside down. So this is not helpful.

Don't worry. I tried to look at Google how to say idiot backwards so I can insult you, but I failed there too. So any other thoughts on this one? I'll take the, I'll take the upside down. Sure. Yeah. I'm,

I'm dancing on the ceiling. Spitballers to the rescue. All right. We haven't done a life advice segment in a while, and we have so much to bestow, especially with the experiences that we have, like Mike's years on the bus, we can give advice. We can change lives.

I could start a whole podcast, things Mike has seen on a bus in junior high. Crimes I've witnessed. Tales of a bus ride. It's just like Frank, you very much said. These are factual opinions that are going to help people. Victoria from Twitter has a life advice question for us hey ballers hey what is the best way to handle a neighbor who keeps asking me to feed their cats while they are on vacation we are not close and they have a very specific complex

schedule in which they want their stupid cats fed i helped a few times in an attempt to be a good neighbor but now it has become expected help that's obviously the answer here victoria would have been to never help at all yes now you are trained in the complex methods and one of the only trained people but what does she do you know what you aren't you aren't super allergic to cats already you know what i mean like that's a card you play't? You aren't super allergic to cats already. You know what I mean? That's helped me so much in my life. That's a card you play in the beginning. I just can't.

I'm really allergic to cats if I'm dealing with it. So I would love to. Sorry. If you let one of the cats pass. That's a good idea. You won't be asked again. The initial reaction inside of me that that was his i saw the depths and i went there like you're never being asked back and i was trying to

formulate okay what's a plan that you can help flip the script without inadvertently does she have a real way out of this? Yes. Okay, so here was my plan. I haven't fleshed it all out yet because I just heard this question, but you have to come up with something equally as complex, if not far more. For them to do?

And now this neighbor has to help you out. Yeah. What could they possibly ask the neighbor? You have to do this. Like, oh, I have, oh, man. Like, I have a package that is going to show up between 6 a.m. and midnight. And I cannot miss it. I'm going to be gone.

But this is a really important situation. I need you watching my front door from 6 a.m to midnight and then once you get the package you need to go into my backyard and then there's going to be this labyrinth that they have to go through i mean you have to make an unbelievably seems like a lot of work mike you're making a lot of work for yourself but it will be but here's the thing a lot of work right now and then no more feeding the fat cats later. Yeah. I mean, and whatever you order that shows up, if you do, you know what I'm saying? Like, they keep an eye out all day, and nothing ever shows up.

But I would make it heavy. And then you, no, nothing shows up, and then you ask them, and you say, no, they told me it showed up. It says it was delivered. Oh, no. They said my neighbor accepted the package. But here's the thing. But if that happens, you're paying them back, but that's not going to get you out of the cat situation.

What gets you out of the cat situation? You're Scott Clean, man. You tell them? They told me the package showed up, and you're telling me it never did. And then the next time they ask you, hey, can you feed my cats? You'll be like, yeah, where's my package?

So you're just saying, hate your neighbor, have a big fight. Yeah, that's what I heard. Look, this is a very simple solution, Jason. A non-confrontational solution that you can take. Because I know you don't like confrontation. I hate it. Plan 100% of your family's vacations around their vacations. This is what, no, you're 100% right.

This was my genuine advice. And listen, I have done this move before. No, you have not. Real life. You've booked a vacation to get out of a responsibility? Absolutely. Because when certain people come asking certain things that you have to say yes to, guess what comes up the next day on the sketch? Something I can't get out of of and it's not a lie

i'm going and i'm booking oh my gosh i'm gonna be in miami on the beach i forgot about our family vacay it's always gonna happen i forgot i mean i'm just saying the andy's 100 right here as this is this is good news this is absolutely good news, Victoria. When your friends or neighbors go on their vacation, you get a vacation every time. Yeah. This is congratulations. Either that or move. I mean, obviously, you could just move.

Just move away. Or accept the responsibility. Don't do jack. But that's called killing cats. I don't believe they'll die. They'll live that's called killing cats i mean i i don't believe they'll die they'll find something to eat i mean it's not like a maternal it's not like a yeah they got a lot of lives from my understanding and and they'll be fine but we have to do it nine times to really get rid of them that's a lot of when the neighbor returns they think you did the job the cats are hungry and so they'll ask you again oh absolutely it was so easy last time

done or check this out victoria no that is one other option sorry brooks brought up the fact that this is like mike's answer was like when you try to get somebody to break up with you instead of just breaking it off yourself so breaking up with people is hard. I think I did it once. It's difficult when you do something nice and then people take advantage of you after the fact. You've learned this cat schedule, you help them out, but now you're their go-to and that's the problem. All right, Isaac from Patreon. I need some life advice. Well, you've come to the right place, Isaac. I'm 16 and a guitar player like my dad. When I asked him to listen to a song I'm working on,

learning, or working on and learning, so he can help me, he just takes the guitar from me, plays the entire song, and doesn't actually help me. I'm just left there sitting, listening to my dad play my guitar. How can I tell him

what he's doing isn't actually helping me well isaac i can relate i can relate to this because i take the controller and beat the level when my kids have a problem with a video game it's called dad's right and it's a problem because teaching takes patience and i'm a bad dad. You know what you do? Isaac, you grow up, you have a kid, and you do the same to your child. This is just Isaac's dad. He's establishing dominance. Yeah, he's doing what he's got to do.

Have you ever seen this one? Hey, Isaac, remember when I'm good at guitar and you're not? Look what you can do someday if you practice. Here, get better. That's tough. I think he's helping you. He's helping you. He's letting you know what you could possibly be.

Because sometimes when you hear something, you think, no, this is an impossibility. No one's actually this good at the guitar. And your father is just showing you, yeah. He's helping you until he closes his eyes once he closes his eyes playing the song he is no longer helping you he's just in his own place he's having a that's the moment you go from teaching your child to forgetting about them now my hope and i i don't know the details here isaac my hope is that when he when he's helping you and he takes the guitar, this is several hours before you get that guitar back.

He's just going to town. Isaac has left the room. He's still in there. Isaac's bringing him dinner in the bedroom. You know, that's... Isaac, this is dad's rights. And it's how dads teach their children best.

By dunking on them. You're darn right. I mean, my kid can't get a shot off on me. I'm blocking them every time. I believe that. Oh, it's 100% true. Actually, my children have invented this game, I mean, mind-blowing creativity,

where I block every shot that they shoot like do we it's the blocking game they ask me to come out and block to where their goal is to try to get a shot off and can i ask you a question ever happening it is do your kids think that's what the game of basketball is i think do they know that there's a hoop to throw the ball into? No, they do. They've seen some real basketball before, so they know now how good I am because they're still trying to do the real thing in and up with bloody noses because that ball's coming right back in their face.

You know what Isaac's dad does when he's trying to learn basketball from him is he pulls out the guitar and plays a sweet solo. No, okay. So do you guys with your kids and like all all joking aside actual life advice question here when you are competing against your kids like you're playing a video game you're playing a board game this isn't just basketball where you it's you're physically dominant over them because you're three feet taller than them like this it's it's a game of video game skill or board game skill do you go hard to paint do you play to win or do you play

to accommodate that your children are learning the game you don't want them to get real upset if they lose how how do you guys handle those situations? I play 101%, meaning above them. I'm playing, which for me is down to 2%. You throttle it, or you hit the brakes a little bit. I absolutely throttle it, but here's the deal.

If the game starts getting close, if they take a lead, I'll go up to 200%, establish dominance, and then I'm back. I just want to be slightly better than them forever. Okay, so you want to be slightly. All right. Andy, how do you do it?

Yeah, I throttle it. I throttle it. I like to keep it close. But if the game, here's the two situations where I'm not throttling. One, now, to be clear, throttling means I hold back. Yes, that's what I mean. You're pulling the throttle back. Yeah, not like, I guess you could say throttling them like whooping their butt.

Sure. But if they talk trash, they will endure a period of months of me defeating them. Oh, yeah. I mean, Andy, your son talked trash to me, and he said, I could beat you in a race swimming, and I'm like, not happening. I did not go. I went 100

on that, and I was waiting for him to show up at that finish line for a while. When you talk trash, that's what you get. It was like, Mike, I remember your story about your son saying he could beat you in a race. Yes, the infamous race where

about halfway through I started running backwards to let him know. Eat it. Did he cry after that race? No. Maybe a little bit. He was not happy. The reason I'm asking this is because I've never pulled the punch ever.

Not at all? Never. I have never pulled it. So if you played a board game that they're just learning, they're a young kid, they don't understand the strategy, you're whooping their booty. I teach them how to play and I am better than them. Interesting. Because I've told them, I said, you know this, if you ever beat dad, you have beaten dad because i've never pulled a punch fair enough against my children at any kids have never won anything uh i've been beaten and mad

a few times okay oh impressive all right uh kara from the website i need life advice for my husband who is too afraid to ask okay okay he purchased a bidet yes oh good for you in the wake of the tp panic of 2020 the bidet has been a wonderful addition to our household and i can now relate to everything jason has said about bidets the problem the problem is my husband is having a difficult time getting a clean finish when he uses the bidet he googled he googled bidet isn't cleaning my butt but found no answers so i have to turn to you how does he improve the technique any help for his sticky situation is appreciated this is this is this is a real this is a real humdinger and and you know usually what you would say is well then you know you got

a defective bidet but cara here ain't having no problems okay she's relating to everything i'm saying about bidets it's great the bidet ain't the problem it's called the diet it's what's going in my man that is hardly garbage out that's what say. It's hard to wash tar off the pavement. If you know what I'm saying and I think you do. I just, I'm so confused because. Does this not happen to either of you? No. You're always a squeaky clean?

Let me ask you this, Andy. Have you ever gone to a sink to wash your hands? And you turn it on and you're washing your hands and you're like, man, this is really difficult. I'm having trouble using this water to wash my hands off. No, I haven't had that issue. Yeah, I don't understand what's happening. In fairness, he hasn't washed poop off his hands. No, I haven't washed tar off my hands.

No, I haven't washed tar off my hands. Also, I have like, there's a visibility difference between the cleanliness down below and the cleanliness with my hands in a sink. Like, I don't, I'm flying blind downstairs. You are flying blind, but let me tell you, when you're hitting the bullseye, you know. Oh, gosh. It's pretty clear when there's a direct shot. You know that there's a bit of a, you know, you can have different distribution issues down there depending on how things have gone.

Before Bidet Life, before Bidet Life, you ever do a wipe and be like, oh, what's over there on that side? Before Bidet Life. Yeah, before Bidet Life. There can be some distribution. I could use a roll every time. I mean, it's never ending. The bidet has cleared that up.

I would say that maybe the water pressure isn't high enough. You know, the tookness is a little like, oh, that's too much. No, it's not. It never is. Crank it up. Put it to 11. I cannot adopt the bidet life. It is. Crank it up. Put it to 11. I cannot adopt the bidet life. It is.

I've lost too much control. And it's a little bit, you know. Frankly, it's a little too wet for me. Well, you still dab. What is this dabbing? I mean. The toilet paper. Yeah, you take paper yeah he takes how do you move from a wipe to a dab and have confidence well that's what i'm googling okay okay here's the

deal you you take a little bit of toilet paper at the end once you're done once you know the drying is finished even though it's never dry and then and then you give the you give the one wipe and it wipes the water away, and it's not dirty. It's fantastic. Not for Kara's husband. No, I remember in the very beginning. The day isn't cleaning my butt. I remember in the very beginning, it wasn't always clean.

I think you just got to push through. Power through? You got to power through. Turn that pressure up. Turn that humdinger. Turn that humdingleberry into a clean area. You know, like filter, get a nice shot in there. Oh, goodness.

All right, we're moving on. The Spitballers Draft. All right, this draft is called the Lone Survivor because we are drafting things that you would do for fun if you woke up and you were the last person left on earth i forgot all about this draft this will be i'm gonna be searching so again you're not just trying to you're not trying to make it the longest amount of time or play survival game you are trying to have the most fun possible as the last person on Earth, which is an interesting question.

It's a difficult question, I think. But Mike has the first pick. It certainly is. And I'm really thrilled that I have the first pick in such an ambiguous draft. Lucky. I don't know that people are going to be stealing each other's picks here.

This is all... Theoretically, I mean, I think I have a few on my list that may get sniped from me. But number one here. So as I have become an adult, I have learned to love to learn about things. And if I'm the last person on the earth, that means I can learn real secrets about what is going on. And there is a place in Nevada that people are not allowed to go, but no one will be there to stop me. So I will be visiting Area 51. I will be going inside.

I will be seeing what the secrets are all about. Probably getting disappointed. I was going to say, when you show up and it's just... When it's just like military weapons. They've been storing oil all these years. I'm going to make a prediction. Toothpaste, what's this doing in here? My prediction is that you will never find it.

No, people know where it is. Sure, sure, people know where it is, but the infrastructure of the world... Your GPS probably doesn't work, so you're going to need... Yeah, GPS isn't working, internet's not working. There's no sign saying Area 51 that way. You know, I could find the White House if I had to. I'm pretty sure I could find it.

I'm pretty sure. Well, apparently you found it, right? You would not have us to brag to about finding it. No, no, but... We would be gone. At this point, if you're the last person on Earth, you just want the satisfactory. You want to know what's going on in there. Okay.

All right, so you're going to Area 51. That would be fun for you if you were the last person on Earth. Jason, you are on the clock. Look, I know that if I was the last person on Earth, this would be what I would be... This would be the most fun. This is why I got this background here. this would be the most fun this is why i got this background here i am moving in to a solar operated beach mansion i'm finding it i'm gonna go up and down the coast until there's a monstrous beach house that's got this power by solar power and i am i'm moving in and i'm living my best life

right on the water all right that that's what i'm doing for fun that's fun number one is i is i wonder something if you just woke up let's just say everybody on earth disappeared right this moment except for you how long until power actually goes out that's a very interesting question it would i would imagine it would be weeks, probably. But I mean, it's not like next year there's power. I'm just curious how long it would take for power to go out. Yeah, probably not that long. A week?

Man, that's an interesting question. Does anyone work for the power company? When I was going through and thinking about this right before the show those type of questions kept coming to my mind about how long infrastructure and stuff jason i actually had uh a similar answer to you which was like to find a rich beach neighborhood and just live in every house i was gonna bounce from house to house very nice but yours uh yeah that makes sense to me that would be fun. If there was a neighborhood that all had solar, that'd be good.

But look, I need my air conditioning. For other reasons, I'm going to need electricity in the house. Other reasons than a normal person needs air conditioning? Other reasons that I might draft, my friend, that I don't want to say. Oh, all right. I don't know. Look, for me, the first thing that came to my mind, and so it'll be my first pick, is the natural one of, look, everybody's gone.

I can take any car I want. I can drive as fast as I want. Oh, man, that's on my list. So I'm going to just drive as fast as I want in the best cars. And I researched this right before the show. Gas takes about two years to go stale. Not to mention, I mean, there could be some electric stuff figured out. But I'm going to get on the roads, and I got no restraints.

So Ultimate Joyride is number one for fun. You're going. I have Drag Race on Freeway was on my list. Okay, so you're going. So I want to know if I can draft this. It's somewhat similar, but it's actually a totally different thing. I'm not going fast. It's similar, but it's not even similar at the same time.

You'll see. I would be driving around in a monster truck. I'm driving over all these. I'm crushing every car on the road. I'm just smashing. The problem there is that it's not your pit no shoot it's happened again oh no oh yeah okay now here's the real question the thing that really stinks is i don't want that pick. Yeah, because you just drafted one. Because I thought about taking a pick, but no.

I mean, I've got the ultimate joyride, so I'm not stealing your pick. I hoped you said something better. That's the honest truth. Great news. We know Jason's pick. The second thing that I'm going to do is... Man. I'm taking off my clothes. Yeah. It's on my list it's on my list if i'm the last person

i'm just naked from here on out oh we're back in the garden oh yeah i thought about that do you go full garden of me then full the way i came into the world it's solely a matter of sun yeah i mean there's gonna be some situations where you at least want underpants. Oh, it's just... Yeah. I mean, I'll probably... An umbrella, maybe. Depends where you live.

But yeah, I'm going to live free. All right. I'm going to live free. So I am... You're on the clock here, monster truck. I'm monster trucking everywhere I go. I'm driving over everything. Roads aren't a thing.

I'm destroying everything. Okay. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. All right. With my first pick, I will have to find them. I mean, one, Jason alluded to the White House. What came to mind is Mount Rushmore.

It's like, I am going to go and I'm going to tag all the monuments that I can possibly find. You're tagging them? For no one else to see. It doesn't matter, man. You're just destroying things? I am entertaining myself. You ever wanted to give George Washington a big old mustache on Mount Rushmore?

You have. That would be pretty cool. And then step back and look at your handiwork and laugh? Yeah, of course. At this point, if you're the last person alive, you're going to want to keep yourself entertained. Every statue has a mustache in this country, thanks to Mike.

If I find them. Like if the aliens show up after Mike's been alone for a little while, they're like, whoa. This past race must have all had mustaches. So you got another pick. Speaking of for what the aliens find, I am choosing to believe that the infrastructure of the Internet is still available. So I am going to Wikipedia and I am editing everything that I possibly can to make sure that to make sure because when the aliens come down and figure like trying to research what has happened.

Look, the historical documents of the Internet. It's got to live forever. It's on a microchip and they're going to go this Mike Wright character. He certainly was really important. And so I, he invented everything. Everything that's ever been was invented by Mike Wright, but somehow couldn't save society.

They all died. Must be his fault. There will be a page, uh, last man on earth, Mike Wright, definitely not reason for, for everyone else disappearing.

I don't want the aliens to blame me. Because Wikipedia is the authority that we have nowadays. Have you ever tried to edit a Wikipedia page? It's very difficult. Exactly. There's no admins to approve what you're doing. There's no admins to take away

what I just did. Or people to read it. Here's what I think. I think if we woke up and we were in this situation, it's just us left, there's no chance that you would do that. But you can bet your butt

I'm really riding around in a monster truck. You know what else I'm doing? I'm shooting bazookas everywhere. I am going to find bazookas. Jason just wants to blow everything up. Nothing matters. None of this stuff.

You know what? I think that that is a problem because my next pick was blow things up. Yeah. Well, here's the problem with both of you guys. You will quickly become last man on earth to no men on earth. That's probably true. And that's fine.

Most last people on earth eventually don't want to be. Let's put it that way. This is an eventual thing. Which is why I would think about flying a plane. Exactly. There's no way. Everybody dies. Not every man truly lives.

So if you're shooting bazookas, can I draft, blow things up, or has that been drafted? I think it's been drafted. That's up to Al. It's been drafted. Okay. It's up to Mike. It's the same thing.

Yeah, I'm blowing stuff up. I'm going around blowing everything up. I'm super disappointed. I really wanted that. I'm excited. Starting with your house. I'm loopholing you guys right here. First thing, next thing I'm doing to have fun being the last person on earth i'm

fine i'm finding a dog yeah all right i'm finding a companion companionship i can really roam the world and have a much better time with a companion and uh i'm learning cloning so i will i will find i will find a dog all right i can't i can't blow stuff up anymore i probably don't have one of the things i think about doing if i'm alone is some complex stuff like the flying a plane or like figuring out how to uh i don't know can you do a cloning thing or can you self-replicate but i can't figure the science out and I'm not gonna be able to teach myself. You're probably gonna want to put pants back on too. I probably have to put pants.

The Petri dishes, you know, whatever experiments you're doing, you don't want those. But I'm trying to have fun, right? Yes, that's the point here. What is the most fun? So I have one pick left. Bet you wish you could blow stuff up, huh? Well, I have two options, and I just don't know which one's more fun. And I think I'm going to find a huge throne,

and I'm going to sit on it as the king of the world. Where are you going to find a throne? Wherever. There has to be thrown somewhere. I can get over. Where are you going to find a throne? Wherever. There has to be thrown somewhere. I can get over. Where? Okay, no. Give me a few places where you're going to look for the throne.

I don't need it to be real, Mike. I can get the Game of Thrones thrown out of Hollywood or something. Yeah, you're right. Or I have wondered, could I get myself to overseas? Could I do that? Sure. If you're alone? Maybe. Could you pull that off? Probably probably not you went from sure to maybe to probably and honestly i was with mike every step of that

journey because i was like yeah you can go wherever you want well how would you go you'd have to know your dad yes that's a hundred percent you are not making it. No, because the only way that you could land, dock that boat is crashing. It's just crashing into the boat. If you go up through Alaska, and then, because we learned that Alaska- Oh, you're saying do that two-mile trip? Alaska's very, very close to Russia, so then you could get over to the Asian continent, and you could get around. Yeah, he's going to freeze to death.

But could I survive a trip up through Alaska? No way. So, I mean, I stand with no. No way. I would be eaten by so many bears. So many bears. And there's no humans to stop the bears anymore. You'll just see.

I'll get in. The second I cross the Alaskan border, you'll see this naked man and his dog running from giant bears. I would be doomed. So I'm going to become a canine. Oh, I didn't think about animals. Yeah, you are dead. Yeah, the animals will rule the world at that point.

That's where the dog will come in handy in some capacity. So I am on. Better have a few. So Jason, you're up. Mike has, he wants to recon Area 51. He wants to tag some national monuments. He wants to take over Wikipedia. Jason wants to steal a solar beach mansion,

a monster truck joyride, shoot some bazookas. Oh, that sounds awesome. I have an ultimate joyride in whatever vehicle I want, as fast as I want. I'm going to get naked and then find a dog companion. I want to find a dog companion and sit'm going to get naked and then find a dog. I want to find a dog companion and sit on a throne

and become king, the naked king. Oh, the naked king. Just throwing this out there because of your attire. Be careful with the throne. I would not choose the Game of Thrones throne. Be careful. It's going to be hot. I'll put pants on for my when I rule. Maybe some chain mail. All right. I am

on the last pick and I'm wondering I got two ways I can go here. You know, I feel like in truth if I'm going to have fun I feel like I need to raid some archives. There have to be somewhere, some governmental

or business. Nothing more fun than archives. Archives of collecting the largest DVD collection on the planet. I'm going to take every DVD that has ever. I mean, look, sometimes I need to be entertained. There's no new things being made. DVDs, he says. Yeah.

Well, I'm not living in a world where internet still exists. But there's Blu-ray. You went back multiple generations. Are you collecting all the cassettes, too? No, that's what I call Blu-ray's DVDs. No, you don't. You call DVDs DVDs. You're telling me.

Hold on, real quick. Real quick. You guys have Blu-ray players, and let's say you bought a Blu-ray. A Blu-ray? You literally would say to your wife, oh, get the Blu-ray, you literally would say to your wife, oh, get the Blu-ray. Yes. No, you don't.

I've never called something a different name because it's a different thing. No way. I've only referred to Blu-rays as DVDs in my life. They're Blu-rays. Unbelievable. Well, you know what? Enjoy.

What resolution is a DVD? Is that 720? And he's watching it on a giant screen in his beach mansion, so it's all pixelated. You're watching as many pixelated movies as you can, and he knows it. I can see it on his face. I knew I should have gone peeing off the Empire State Building.

Dang it. That was possible for me. Yeah. But I went with tagging the monuments instead. Dang it. That was possible for me. Yeah. But I went with tagging the monuments instead. Alright, well, hey, look, I'm still going to be entertained. It's the best entertainment that's out there. You have a big DVD collection. You could do that now

and you're not even the last person on Earth for a few bucks of DVD. But I don't need to do it now. Right now I can watch streaming shows and have new content coming out. when i'm the last person on earth there's never gonna be a new show ever again i would say there's no internet so i can't stream anything and when i collect like 500 000 old school dvds it's gonna be awesome now maybe you guys have heard this al borland. I guess I will direct it to you. Like the Library of Congress.

I've heard that they have collections of basically everything that's ever been created. My way off there. Have you heard about this at all? I have heard the same thing. I can't verify it, but I've heard it. That's what I assume I will be. So there you go. There's your entire collection.

Enjoy your enjoy your TV. You know what? The There's your entire collection. Enjoy your tube TV. You know what? The truth is they're probably still stuck at DVD. They haven't gone over to Blu-ray yet. And that's why I chose DVD. All right. Mike, you get to close this out. So what's funny, on my list, I have moved to the White House.

But that's basically just very similar to what Jason was. He wants to move somewhere. I'm going to need a real passion project to keep my mind occupied so I don't slip into the void. The vortex, that is. I am the last person on Earth. And my favorite movie ever made is is die hard so i am going to create a shot for shot remake of die hard using legos using legos and stop animation so i will create this masterpiece yes it's only for me i don't care that's what art is all about i'm making it for myself and i know

that this thing's gonna take me a a really, really long time to make. The longer the better, right? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Just so I can unravel this. You're saying you're going to do this because you need to entertain your brain. So you're trying to pick something that you would enjoy doing so you don't go insane. And what you've chosen is a shot for shot Lego animation of Star Wars.

No, no. Die Hard. Die Hard, yes. Lego animation of Star Wars. No, no, Die Hard. Die Hard, yes. That is, you could have given me 150 million guesses and I never would have chosen that one. I'll tell you.

I didn't think DVDs and Legos, Lego animations were going to close the draft out. I'll be honest with you. Ooh, I'd build a house out of Legos. That'd be fun. Yeah, Legos would be awesome. I had some other ideas. I had some other ideas i had some

other ideas and uh we've closed it out but uh uh one was fly fly plane uh but that wouldn't end i mean it would be that's how i would end it that's how it ended up um along with my idea of taming lions and riding them i don't think that would go well either so but you would need a baby lion poop wherever i want dude i mean you can poop wherever you want that's fun yeah that is great that's great you poop everywhere i'm not jason got an idea here i did have an idea you could absolutely fly a plane you could 100 you don't need that you just parachute every time you take a parachute fly it wherever you want assumes you could take off no i think i know that's what i think i think we could take off i really do i mean we're gonna

train a little bit we're gonna we're gonna find a a simulator we're gonna train but we don't have to train the landing that's not we it's you i'm saying you know like this is what i would do this what you do this well let me ask you this where are you going to train the parachuting boeing oh wait the parachuting yeah like the the really important part of jumping out of a plane is knowing that your parachute is packed correctly that the falling technique how to do that correctly like there's a lot of things in in just jumping out of a plane he jumps out of that plane and he's torn up by a rotor that's the first thing that happens he's i get your idea but your idea is genius your idea is great important part is knowing how to parachute you could one-way trip every single flight because you just let the plane crash wherever it absolutely i'll find another plane and

fly that one and that would be fun because as you explore the world you'd eventually find some of your old crashes here and there that'd be great and and you say oh could i make it to that continent get a big commercial jetliner that's full of fuel fly it all the way over and then okay no you're not getting the you're not getting the jet off the ground you're not flying to 747 it's not like i've got to lift it harder it does the work you know it's like okay it's big that doesn't make it more difficult to take off it's more difficult that's why you have to train there are a lot of buttons jason you don't just like there's not just a start and then up but to be fair this is the guy who's convinced he could land

a yeah 747 so it's with someone in my ear tell me what to do last one last one i thought would be fun i thought about moving into an arena like Madison Square Garden so I could play some basketball out there on the court. Maybe I'm watching too many Jordan documentaries. That seems like a fun place to hang out. I had thought about moving into – you've got all these mansions. Well, move into a resort. I mean, you've got like 800,000 rooms and a golf course and all that, but the reality is you need it to be powered.

And I don't know of any resort in the world that's powered by solar power. So you got to go down to a mansion. You really need friends in this situation. Well, you have one. A few friends would really, if you had said the three of us, what do we do? That would be a whole nother story. Like you have your dog friend and I have Lego John McClane. Yeah, yeah, it's the same thing what did we learn today i learned a lot that i did i wish i hadn't i learned the back

of the bus is a dangerous place and i learned i learned that jason just loves dvds just loves his favorite format of all time they don't make movies like they used to am i right am i right gosh yes yes i learned that the most important part of uh parachuting is knowing how to parachute is actually being able to land stick the landing as they say yeah that's what they say and i learned that there is a way to confuse how to use a bidet, even though there's just an on and off switch. That's right. That's right.

It's a confusing place for some people, Mike. It's pretty binary. No, there's bidets. Is it moving? Is it hot? Is it cold? Is it forward? Is it back?

Most of them don't have that, Jason. We all don't have your fancy power down. Is tornado mode? Oh, no. We all don't have your fancy power down. Tornado mode. Oh, no. It's dangerous. Chipotle mode. A shot for shot remake, Mike. That got me.

Thanks, Spitwads. We'll see you later. I think it'll be really fun. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Is this microphone off?

Is the show over? Is it done? Yeah. Is this off? Hello? No, we're done. Oh, gosh. I'm so tired.

Al, you stopped recording, right? Hello? Okay. Thank you. Thank goodness. God. That episode sucked. Oh, gosh.

I don't want to do this anymore. Honestly. No, I was... This is... I'm ready to walk away from you two. Whoever is... How do we get rid of all the spitwads? Well, that's the only thing I still want to be part of okay i don't want to how do you do that the only

way i'm staying on this show is if people go to spitballerspod.com and they're like all right i want to be a spit wad and they click become a spit wad then i then maybe i'll stay on the show that's that's it that's the only way well this is the final i don't know how we're going to get that information to people but maybe next episode we can talk. We could record it, yeah. But I thought that was the last one. Well, sure. That's what I'm saying.

If people don't go right now, then this show's over. I'm just glad it's done. All right, good. I'm out of here. Goodbye.