Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 104: Belly Button Buttons & A Cereal Box Battle

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Today’s show comes out of the gate with a very dangerous scat. But rest assured, we remain family-friendly. Once we get into the meat of it, we discuss cooking duty vs dish duty, how our phobias will kill us, and eating beyond our capacity. We polish off this episode with another hilarious battle royale - this time with cereal box mascots. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, before we start today's show, which from my understanding is... Any minute now. It is also the best show we've ever done. The best show we've ever done. We hear all the time... Oh, that was the best. That was the best show. How was every show the best show?

And we're like, well, hey, check this out. Here's how. Because of the Spitwad community. That's how. The Spitwads, you guys listening, supporting our show. You help us out. Go to spitballerspod.com and support the show you can click become a spit wad you get early access to all the shows you get the spit tank where we're going to answer

your questions the way tons of antioxidants oh yes rejuvenating for all skin tons of medications go look if you have any kind of medical problem at all please visit spitballerspod.com become a spitwad there you won't regret it and we appreciate your support now on with the show what happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. The Yippee-ki-yay, mother, father, sister, brother, hey! Woo-ha! We got there.

Whoa, that was scary that was the tbs edit hey what's going on yes yippee-ki-yay mr falcon welcome in ah dude it was a risky business i mean mean, we're past show 100 at this point. It's all just found money. You got me flushed over here, man. That was... How you guys doing? That father, like, parental alarm on the inside just went... Like, you're like a puffer fish.

You just feel it on your insides, but... Yeah, we're good. We're good. Welcome in to the Spitballers Podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you episode 104 would you rather that's a great question a spectacular new battle royale draft to finish today's episode can't stop fighting no no you can't it's in our nature mike it's in our blood it's in our blood welcome in you can follow us on twitter at spitballers pod al borland is here al how are you doing this fine and wonderful

day doing great thanks for asking those those fairly enthusiastic yeah the follow-up the thanks for asking really changed it from you know you have the one word. He realized he was about to get mocked, and he's like, I got to say something else. Thanks for asking. No, you did great. That was the best you've ever done. I like how you said he realized he was going to get mocked as opposed to just being asked how he's doing.

Right. Like, I didn't actually want to know how he was doing. Oh, come on. I was waiting for an opportunity. You didn't want to know. I was kind of curious. Spitballerspod.com. You can head over there, learn how to become an official Spitwad supporter of the show.

Yes. Which is one of the best things that you can do. They are unbelievably attractive people. Yes. Over supporting this podcast. Aesthetically pleasing. Oh, the best. I haven't gone through the list, but I have to imagine Brad Pitt is a part of the spit

Brad Pitt is a big donor to this show. Yes. I mean, when you're that handsome, you've got to be part of what we're doing here. And obviously, Bruce Willis, that's what the scat was all about. So he's a big fan as well. That's true. That's true. You guys want to get this thing going i suppose we have nothing else to talk about let's do it would you rather all right nathan from patreon says would you rather

yawn every time you hear a word with the letter r in it strange strange okay or vomit every time you hear a word with the letter z in it so this is a little bit of a wheel of fortune situation here the rarity of the letter z compared to vomit versus the commonality of the letter r and you're just yawning. I was going to mention the Wheel of Fortune is the first thing that, whenever someone mentions letter frequency, it's R-S-T-L-N-E, which. Yes. Have you guys ever, like when you're watching that, do you feel like they're just misspelling R.L. Stine?

No. No, I do not. I think about that every time I watch Wheel wait wait r s t l e l is that high l n e yeah those are the fortune letters for the final puzzle yeah wow but uh here we are i mean vomiting to me hold on hold on we can't we can't blow by this jason being shocked of this game show that it was on the air before we were alive and no no no i surprised i know the game show apparently i haven't watched it i guess ever yeah i mean i i i can honestly say i've never sat down and watched an entire episode of wheel of fortune i've seen clips here that yeah i mean it's i'm not what i'm not a grandfather i'm sure okay get out of here

okay i'm no owl borland i would i would throw to andy but then the joke will just be about grandfathers owl borland wheel of fortune hot or not oh that shows flaming hot oh yeah wow yeah in your face you you cool you cool cats over there. The Cheetos are coming through. R, S, T, L, and E all over you. Ariel Stein? Now, wait. So are those letters that Wheel of Fortune gives? Yes.

They're the ones they give you for the final puzzle. How did you not know about this? Because I've never watched an episode of Wheel of Fortune. I mean, that's a good reason, though, right? No, it's a solid reason for not knowing something. Yeah. But it's still physically painful for me. Have you guys ever watched Jeopardy?

Is this a thing? Yes. Jeopardy is not nearly as good. Like a whole episode? Yeah. Here's the thing about Jeopardy is you watch it. You're like, well, these are fascinating facts. These people are incredibly smart.

How do you possibly know about this? And then you feel really stupid. So you watch Wheel of Fortune because then you feel like the smart one. You're not under the pressure of all the money and the lights. So the puzzles are much easier for you than the people.

No, that's probably true. And people watch Jeopardy. That's why they're connected. People watch Jeopardy because if they get one right, they feel smart. Just one or two. One or two.

But letter frequency in the English language. E- o i n those are the most common uh letters so the vowels r is up there um i think that i i just can't take vomiting like vomiting is the worst some people i think out there they don't mind it that much to me it's terrible uh so i can't risk it because i'll hear some z's right that's what i'm wondering especially with zombie shows yeah yeah i mean i wanted to know what is the most common actual word that is used the most common z word yeah zebra zipper why don't you zebra a lot here's that's my point no that's my point like yeah you know that is that is considered like the most common z word is zebra and it's in the kid all the kids alphabet books like x-ray because we have no x words yeah when's the last time in a conversation someone's

talking about zebra here's the real problem here's the problem and i don't want to date things but when the world changed all of a sudden zoom became a verb and it became something that is a program yeah that everyone has to use i don't want to date this, but this program that we are using right now to record this podcast. Is called Zoom. And people needed more zinc in that time period. There wasn't as much of a zest for life. Oh, you couldn't zig when you're trying to zag. I mean, please don't stop.

But you're yawning all the time with the letter R. Yes. Right? Yeah, you're going to look rude. You said right? Right? I think I have to take the vomit. I know that it's far more extreme,

but you can't get through life without the letter R. You can't. Sorry, Jay. Go ahead and finish. i'm just saying if we're having a conversation you know it's like immediately i'm yawning i'm yawning through everything i say i'm yawning through everything you say did you emphasize station like the word r was gonna be in i did but you know the point is that word that word had the the letter r in it so i wanted to emphasize the point is that word had the letter R in it. So I wanted to emphasize the entirety of the word. The entirety.

Conversation. What I need to know is do I at least get the salival gland prep? What does that even mean? For the vomit. For the vomit. What's the salival gland prep? is there a procedure you go through you're telling me that when you're gonna barf you don't all of a sudden have your mouth just start salivating i mean i don't think about it it's been a long time since i've thrown up guess what the next time you puke you're gonna realize that your mouth just all

but you're telling me the difference between doing this and not doing it is that you have proper amount of saliva? No. It's more of a preparation time. So I'm not vomiting into someone's face. Vomiting is not pleasant. I do feel like perhaps you could manipulate this to your advantage if you overindulge and you're just like, Zoom, zip, zow, zooty. Look, the thought had crossed my mind.

We don't all endorse this. I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying Jason was thinking about it. All we're saying is there is literally- Just call me Jason. There is no possible benefit to yawning. None. When you're looking, we're trying to find silver linings in dark, dark clouds here.

Yeah. And that's what we try to do. Gadzooks, we found one. You know, look, I had McDonald's today. Zoips. You're not going to need the Z. No, I'm saying I had McDonald's today. I'm just letting you guys know.

McDonald's. Yes. Yeah. I'm just letting you guys know. McDonald's. Yes. Okay. So, Mike, which one are you going? You're going with the vomit? I guess I'm taking the vomit. I can't. I'll just yawn all day.

I already do that anyway, so that's fine. Antonio from Twitter, would you rather cook all your food? I'm sorry. Would you rather cook all the food for your household or have it all prepared by your spouse and you're on dish duty so this is cook the food or wash or clean all the dishes is that yeah this is so easy for me go ahead go ahead jay well i mean if this is a guarantee that every time that the spouse cooks i clean or every time that i cook the spouse cleans i'm cooking i'm cooking and here's why because when i cook i well one i kind of enjoy it i like cooking oh okay but my

wife would tell you something about my cooking and also the pictures after i cook would tell you something about my cooking i am the messiest chef there has ever been. I can't make anything without splattering stuff against the walls. We've got a gas stove. You've got to take all the... I always turn all four burners on. You've got to take all the burner tops off to clean inside. Usually it looks like... You just waste bowls.

You're like, well, I probably need an extra bowl for this. 100%. If I'm making a HelloFresh or something, waste bowls you're like well i probably need an extra bowl for this a hundred percent i'll take a you know if i'm making you know a hello fresh or something you know i will have an entire bowl or dish or pot that i use for like nine seconds totally unnecessary um so yeah there's a lot of dishes i ain't doing them but you like cooking yeah i do like cooking it's it's i don't know i think i think but there's a lot of people do do the other people like you cooking is the real question oh okay you might like cooking but i mean you're gonna have to eat what you cook every single time so i and my wife

is a much better cook than i could ever be so i think i'd rather eat that food and just deal with the cleanup yeah i want to say that the people that I'm doing cooking for like my cooking because I do think I'm a decent cook, a decent chef. But no, the people that I'm cooking for are my children, and they hate any time anything is cooked because that means there's vegetables and there's real food. I mean, my kids, when I make a nice big meal, what I have done is make a fight. I have made a nightmare in my house. That's real food. I mean, my kids, when I make a nice big meal, what I have done is make a fight. I have made a nightmare in my house. That's the worst. I know.

So you made a mess and a fight, and you still want to do this. A mess and a fight just so that I get to eat, and my wife, that we get to eat one nice meal. But I would trade that meal for minus a fight every time. So I just learned I should never cook, and we shouldn't cook at home. Yeah, that's right. We should only eat fast food. Mike, what about you?

I know you do a decent amount of cooking. This is easy because generally speaking, I am the chef. I won't say 100%, but I'll put it right about 85, 90%. So that's where it stands in the right household, i loathe it i don't i don't just you haven't it's not a uh developed passion no no we we never got there what's so funny is like i remember in junior high taking one of those this is what you should be tests when you do like this is when you up, this is the occupation. And I had a test tell me that I should be a chef.

And I spent a few times cooking with my mom. And I was like, what? This is awful. People do this for fun? Why would the test tell me that I should be this? What a stupid test. What do you loathe so much about cooking? Honestly, I think that it's very much linked to the speed, the rate at which I eat.

I am a notoriously fast eater. Very swift. I mean, some people might say, well, you're not enjoying your food. Look, that's neither here nor there. I'm like, I'm not even chewing my food. This is how the body is programmed now. That's how fast the food goes down. So I will spend, you know, if it's a meal,

I'm working on this thing for one, two, maybe even over two hours, and then I will eat the dish in two minutes. And now there's just tons of dishes for me to clean. I spent two hours for this. Yeah, but you don't have to clean the dishes anymore in this situation. That's fair. I'm just speaking in the way it works right now.

You need to be cooking in just massive bulk. Just a month's worth of mac and cheese in one session. She cleans up a month's worth of dishes, and then you just pop those things out of the fridge, heat them up, scarf them down in your under 60-second speed. It's not going to hold very long. Very few foods hold very long. The speed in which you eat, Mike, you don't taste anything.

There's no way. That's where you're wrong. We go out to lunch sometimes just for the spitwads out there. And there is a procedure with eating lunch with Mike, right? If you let him order first and he was to get his food brought to the table first, he will be done before your food arrives. You have to let him order last so he can only be done like 10 minutes early, not more than that that it's 100 best part is you guys feel rude yes like you're holding me up even though i'm just i'm now satiated i'm perfectly fine i'm just chilling in this chair but there is this feeling that you guys inherit that i don't project that we gotta hurry now because you're sitting there waiting for us to finish.

I revel in it. It's not just that I feel rude. I feel fat. I'm like, oh, I'm still eating. You're already done. Here's Jason. Wait for him to another slice of pizza. It's totally my fault that Jason feels this way. Thank you.

I'm glad we can see the truth. All right. All right. Let go noah from the website would you rather be ravenously hungry oh speaking of or miserably full all of the time so this is i mean these are both uncomfortable feelings yes they are it's easy to say well i'd rather have food in my belly but when you are full to the point where you have to lay down when you're inappropriately full it's a rough life man have that is that is trouble that's like i better be i can't lay down because the food might come out it's got to be sitting up so it stays down have you guys ever had a moment in a restaurant you're in a public restaurant and you say to your significant other look i'm sorry i just got i have to lay down at the restaurant like on the bench at the

restaurant in the booth because there is a very particular instance where this happened to me this i think i was we were in still in dating phase at this point and you had to lay down that bad dude i don't know what happened well probably because of the speed at which i eat all the food got into the stomach and then was like oh you you did this way too fast to lay down for this mic and so we're in a chili's and I'm just laying down in the booth because I feel like crap because I am miserably full. You never had that happen? I thought that happened to everybody. Not in a Chili's.

No. I haven't actually done the act of laying down at the restaurant. Well, that's not since the college days. All right. All right. Okay. But it's in there. laying down at the restaurant well that's not since the college days um all right all right okay but it's in there but i do know that pretty much most times at this stage of my life i get so uncomfortable after i eat that my wife says i i hold my belly like a pregnant woman like i'm pushing it down or up or trying to find an area where it's comfortable. Feeling it kick a little bit? I feel like the rib cage should have been larger.

You know, all the organs are trying to squeeze through that like a Play-Doh mold. You're just like you believe your body should be formatted differently to hold the food that you want to eat. To hold more, yeah. And then, honestly, every day my body is formatted a little bit differently to hold the food that you want to eat. To hold more, yeah. Honestly, every day my body is formatted a little bit differently to hold more food. So I think we're on our way. This is an upgraded model. If I can keep persevering through my meals, I should be okay.

Yeah, you could get bigger. But I do. I walk around now holding my stomach like a pregnant lady. That's not good. That's not now holding my stomach like a pregnant lady. That's not good. That's not good because I'm not a pregnant lady. Sometimes your body is telling you things. Yeah, it's telling me like, stop, dude. This hurts.

I mean, Mike, in his defense, he did say last night that he wished he had like a 40-pound tumor. Oh, that'd be great. You got to get that out. Because then he could get it removed. Yeah, 100%. As long as it was benign, he's cool with it. Get it out. oh that'd be great you gotta get that out because then you could get it removed yeah 100 if i had as long as it was benign he's cool with it get it out and then it's like oh you know what i can do eat i can eat like the dickens this is not a good lesson for our listenership that's why i need that that's why i need that that z. So I guess my answer would be... Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's why I need that Z. I am... I will go the ravenously hungry route because I am kind of known as being able to skip a meal and just forget about it. So I don't think it hits me quite as much as other people. So miserably full is like...

Oh, it's so bad. I mean, it's really bad. It's like... Both... Miserably full is like... Oh, it's so bad. I mean, it's really bad. It's like... Both... Miserably full... We're saying this like ravenously hungry is not bad. No, that's really bad too, but it's like only one of them makes me eat a bottle of Tums. And so, I'm going to go...

I mean, the reality is this. Hungry. The three of us eat whenever we want. And when we're an hour late for a meal we get ravenously hungry no we're not that's the three of us don't know what it's like to be ravenously hungry if we're actually ravenously hungry we would i couldn't even imagine we would just it's all it's all you know it's all we're done um so i'm gonna take the miserably full all the time because I already know what that's like. All right. Mike, do you have a final vote? Yeah, I have to take...

I got to take the full because Jason's right. I don't know what it's like to be ravenously hungry. I have to imagine. That's a good point. It's a good point. It is just the worst. Yeah. That was American ravenously hungry.

That wasn't like real hunger. I missed lunch. It's one o'clock in the afternoon i haven't eaten lunch it's funny because when our kids are like that we're all like chill you don't know what that's like yeah because i don't know what that's like no i don't let them say because the the famous hyperbolic line i'm starving i'm like no you don't get to say you want to you want to be starving i'll show're starving. I'll make you skip lunch and dinner. Right, right.

You don't get a granola bar this afternoon. All right. Let's go ahead and let's switch gears here. That's a great question. This question comes in from a spitwad. Cheshire Cat. Thank you for your support. If your belly button became a real button,

what would you program it to do? I mean, look, this is just flowing. Is this the Z button again? I would program it to open up so I can let everything out. Oh. I often... Oh.

It's like a sewer pipe. Yes. Oh, no. Just pump it out. I mean, I would honestly... This is getting disturbing. I've so wanted a zipper belly for the longest time. I got to go take a stew.

Yeah, I mean... A stew? Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. do i guess i guess the question is probably like a push button it's a button jay doesn't open i mean push the button and something happens what what about the button on your pants you undo it and you you know he's got it he's got a point there are two types of buttons i'm choosing to say that this is oh this is one that like you un there's snaps and clicks. Yeah, and I'm taking the button nose off of the... Wait, no, he doesn't have a button nose. What does a snowman have?

He's got a carrot nose. He's got button eyes. He's got a cord cop pipe. No, no, cord cop pipe and a button nose. Yeah, you're right. Wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. That's what I thought.

Okay, now there's a carrot nose. You have just uncovered something. Frosty the snowman has a button nose. He doesn't have a carrot nose. Is that true? He's got carrots for eyes. Holy crap. Remember, he's got the two eye carrots.

Has Olaf changed us that much? No. Oh, he doesn't have a carrot nose. Did Frosty... Guys, I'm having a really hard time over here. I can't. I cannot. Frosty does not have a carrot nose. Wow. Does not compute. No, I'm having a really hard time over here. I can't. I cannot. Frosty does not have a carrot nose.

Wow. Does not compute. No, he's got a button. You see? He's got a button for a nose. What an idiot snowman. It could have been so much better. But he was the OG.

A button for a nose? I'll be honest. I'd rather have a button for a nose than a carrot. That's another would you rather. But the carrot's not doing me any favors. It's certainly not sleeping on my stomach. It's protruding. Yeah, you can turn your head, right?

Yeah. You could be a side sleeper. Yeah, and then I'm hitting my wife with a carrot nose, so that's just not good. Come give me a kiss. Ow, my eye all right uh if you had a belly button and it became a real button i at first i thought for some reason i thought it would be really efficient like if i needed laser eyes you know what i mean like i'm cyclops and i pushed

the button and i got laser eyes i mean it would be a little all right yeah so i'm gonna go with because jason had his his uh sewage yeah he's got the release valve got it you're imagining laser eyes yeah for attacking purposes and the first thing i think of is it's gonna turn on my television that's it that's all it doesn't even it's not even a smart remote like multiple items it's just one thing just it just turns it on but then you can't control anything and you got to go get the remote does it turn it off to change it to the right yeah i mean it's an on off switch as i poke my belly button like it's actually doing it what if it answers your phone calls you poke your belly button that screen turns on and then you've got to go find the remote to put on the program that you want which say it was the best idea i've ever had in my life

i was just giving the example of how different the three of us thought of this guy pitball in there uh well there's so many things i'll take an alexa oh it will be an alexa yeah like boop what's the way yeah so dumb makes sense you push the button and then you can ask it like a siri or alexa google home whatever like this like jason beep release my bowels exactly i don't think my alexa can do that not yet not yet we're working on it mentioning this like he doesn't have an open button that already does that job it does it does the same exact thing you're hoping for no no i don't i want it directly out of the stomach i i don't i just want my my belly area to be empty. Just feel good at all times. This has been a disturbing episode.

Rachel from the website. It has been recently discovered that phobias come from how you died in a previous life. This is what Rachel says. So we now know that Jason previously died from a venomous tarantula.

Tarantula. That's aous tarantula. Tarantula. That's a chocolate tarantula. How did Andy and Mike die in their previous life? Oh, man. Self phobias. Mike had to die from a hive of bees. Am I wrong about that? I mean, is there something else you're more afraid of?

Yeah, a man picked up the hive and just walloped him on the head with it. You are, I think you're probably correct i've actually i've i have improved as a human being it's it's pretty shocking to me but i i am less afraid of bees than i have been in the past what percent improvement as a human if you're less afraid of bees that's just better yes yes that's morally better what dude are you kidding me bees are death machines for themselves they sting and they die mike have some empathy but no i want to know what percentage of your ability to be better around bees has come because you have a pool uh it's it's it's definitely not from the

pool because it was my road to being afraid of bees is very bizarre because we all grew up in Arizona. So we all grew up around pool culture. And I used to be at my cousin's house all the time. We would swim and we would try to drown wasps, which side note, somehow wasps are incillable murder machines that don't drown. They just live underwater for 10 plus minutes. Don't be fooled. The wasps are immune to death.

You did not drown that wasp. You've never killed a wasp in your life. I think we legitimately did a two-day drowning. That wasp was fine. Put it in the net and then just leave it in there overnight and over another night. Oh, it's fine. It's perfectly fine.

But it's. It might have taken longer to recoup, but it recouped for sure. So I used to do that. And then somehow in between. And I've never been stung. I just became very, very afraid of bees. And the culmination of the bees was my. One of my best friends got married and it was a destination wedding and this wedding

or the uh the the ceremony uh where i was a groomsman was surrounded by incredibly beautiful flowers well these flowers flowers these flowers these weren't just honeybees man these were fully grown like those bumblebees where they look like three times as menacing i don't know if they are bees or whatever not those are actually not menacing but they look it i mean they're big enough to wear they can knock you over and that's where the healing really started it's like when you're scared of heights and you go you you start to space in the fear. So I've started to get a little bit better with the bees. Andy, do you have anything that you're still terrified of

that it killed you, like Rachel said? I don't know if there's something I'm just like, I'm not one for, I'm like claustrophobic, so I don't know if I died in a well like a long time ago are you afraid of heights i am i'm more afraid of heights than i knew yeah like i i i didn't think i thought i was like normal like everybody like just for the record people everybody's afraid of heights right like everybody's a little bit to some degree yeah if you're out on a ledge on top of a building you're gonna be afraid and they're like that building, you're going to be afraid. And they're like, that's a sign.

I thought that I was that person, the normal afraid. But then I realized I wanted to hang some Christmas lights on a second story of my house. So I borrowed a neighbor. This was the most embarrassing thing because I borrowed a neighbor's extension ladder, which means he came over for me to use it. And I got about halfway, three quarters up the ladder, and my knees are shaking. And I'm going like, and the neighbor's watching me climb his ladder, and I'm saying manly things like, well, you know,

the bolts are a little loose, and I don't, this thing isn't really, it looks like it's malfunctioning a little bit. Man, I'm working up a sweat climbing this ladder. You know, the second story, you can't even see it. I don't even need lights up here. You should probably go home and my favorite story ladder while you're at it is on your single story home that you live in now when you went up on the roof to get something and then you were stranded and couldn't you were too afraid to get back down on the ladder on my own roof now that was one part heights three parts middle of summer climbing on the roof, realizing that.

I didn't think about the fact that roof tiles were 7,000 degrees of molten lava. When you're on a roof. They're much closer to the sun. And you have to touch the roof tiles to climb on the roof. It took me about 40 minutes to figure out the best way down off that roof. It's always jump. I did not go that route. All right.

Brian from the website. Between the three of you, what is the consensus number for miles per hour that it is acceptable to drive above the speed limit? Can we reach a consensus? I don't like this question because i feel like my children listen to this see i think there's a universally there is known number the cops know it too yes it's 10 miles it's 10 miles it's 10 miles an hour you can go 10 miles i look i drove to scottsdale and back with mike or not in his car but like we'd leave at the same time very often

i'd be on the freeway he'd be on the freeway i can tell you unequivocally every time i've ever seen mike drive he follows the speed limit more than any person i've ever known mike is the slowest driver i've ever met that's another way of that's another way i mean it's unbelievable obedient he is not in a hurry i am he's got his, and he's content to go to speed limit. I almost always will be five over. That's where I like. Honestly, that's called five under. Just so you know, that means you're going five under the social speed limit.

I've heard from like, I feel like the rumor and the grapevine, I don't know if I've actually heard this from an officer, but I've heard seven is the number where if you're at seven. Seventy over? No, sure. If you're at seven over, you're not going to get pulled over. But once you start wiggling over that, then it's where it's kind of free reign.

Maybe they get you at eight. Maybe they get you at eight. Maybe they get you at 10. And look, I know we've got a lot of officers that listen. I want to know. Yeah, that's a great question. Off the record. Okay. I'm guessing.

Because I'm sure it's one, right? 11 or above. That's my guess. I think they're not. I'm 100% with you. If they say at 10, sure. But I think it's 11 and above. So, I mean, I believe that 10 miles an hour, and that's not universal.

Does that change if everyone around you is going 15 over? I mean, at that point. Yes. If everyone is going, I will go flow. I will go flow of the freeway. Yeah, I will not be the slow person that's actually now a danger to everyone else because everybody else is going this fast. Then I'll join in.

But to me, what's funny is Jason and I had similar situations. Jason's a little bit more extreme than mine, but there was a ticket involved in my life. I learned my lesson. I was never going to pay that ticket ever again so was that the did you get the scared straight from the ticket yes okay so you are a product of a good i like law enforcement sir because i can i'm telling you i've known mike a long time. I've never seen him go. Because you met me after the ticket. Like, honestly, when you said you go five over on average, I'm like. That's a lie.

I can't believe that. I thought maybe like two, maybe one or two. It's not a lie because I'm not going 15 over, you speed demon. I'm faster than you, I think. I want to clarify, this isn't everywhere, right? You're not going in a 15 mile an hour school zone and saying 10 over. That's an on the dot. I don't go one over there.

Sure. But when you're in a neighborhood or whatever, but when you're on a major road, it's always 10 over for me. I set the cruise at 10 over and I just chill. I do. And again, this is bad maybe for what Mike was saying with the kids, but I take a very, maybe this is stupid, but I take a very, maybe this is stupid. You're a case-by-case situation.

I'm a case-by-case on the road in general. You know what I mean? What's my mood like? If there's nobody 400 yards in front of me or 400 yards behind me, do I need to signal? I don't know. Maybe for practice purposes, but it's like the tree falling in the forest, right?

If someone speeds on the freeway and no one's around to see it. Are you speeding? If you change lanes without signaling, but no one can use your signal, are you breaking the law? I can't even change lanes without signaling. It's just an automatic. It's just like how you. But I will drive. Jason's 35 over. Got got a signal you're darn right

these people know safety first mike that's right all right let's go ahead and draft now the spitballers draft all right al borland has a setup up with another Battle Royale extravaganza. Today we are going with cereal box mascots. So we all know them. We grew up with them. They've been around a long time. They sell cereal for a living, but they double as part of your entourage out here in the Coliseum. Head to head to head, battle royale, four picks.

And unfortunately, Owl has clarified before the draft that these must be characters known from their serial as opposed to, because I had like, there's a Frozen serial out right now. Oh yeah.

Give me that Elsa. Uh-huh. Owl Borland, I DM'd him before the show. Because Cheater Fox McGee is drafting Michael Jordan on the Weedies box or something? Yes, Michael Jordan on the Weedies box. Come on. I messaged him, and I said, look, I don't want to get into it on the show, but you know I'm very specific about these things.

Of course. So I need to know what the rules are. And this is why. No, look. I'm 100% with you, Mike. Don't hear what I'm not saying. the rules are. And this is why. No, look. I'm 100% with you, Mike. Don't hear what I'm not saying. Follow the speed limit in these drafts. You and Owl did the 100% right thing.

I mean, this is the right rule. But had it not been made, I would have taken advantage and grabbed michael jordan and elsa that's all i'm saying and just completely submarined and undermined the whole purpose of the draft that's what i'm gonna go yeah all right my i have the number one pick and uh i have some interesting secondary picks that i hope get around to me but i with the 101, I'm going to go with Tony the Tiger. Yeah, he's the clear. He's a tiger. Good for you, man.

I mean, Jason and I, the big joke is, will Andy always grab the 101 slam dunk, man? You got it. I was hoping that you would overlook it and that the tiger would drop into my lap. You're giving me so many compliments that I believe you're both trolling me and there's a no back he's a tiger i mean it's like you look at a lot of these mascots and it's like oh this one's a nice bird this one's a little

commercials he's got electricity that he can use at times i mean he is uh he's a great athlete based on my research from my understanding and he's a tiger also he's great he's great he seems kind of like a gentle tiger though that's what yeah but at the end of the day you know you're a tiger yeah when press comes to shove he's gonna use what god gave him you know what i mean he's snacking that what God gave him. You know what I mean? He's snacking. That's right. Yes, that's right. All right, so that's my 101.

Look, the top of this draft, the first couple picks is easy. I still think when we get to the end of this draft. What? First couple picks? There's one pick that's easy. He's putting Mike on blast. Oh, don't. You get out of my head.

I'm saying that at the end. You think there's an easy 102, Jason? I think there's a couple of obvious ones, but my point is not about this pick. It's about at the end of my head. Do you think there's an easy 102, Jason? I think there's a couple of obvious ones, but my point is not about this pick. It's about at the end of this draft. We're going to be scratching and clawing. We're going to be digging deep. That's my belief.

I don't see anybody... Not if you draft the wrong thing and all my guys fall to me, I'll be fine. Mike, you are on the clock. Yeah, I just need to make sure that i actually know his name uh okay perfect okay perfect i knew what it was look this guy on the surface he seems like a regular average this is just a cartoon if a battle royale breaks out it's no problem but then i give him a little whiff a battle royale breaks out, it's no problem.

But then I give him a little whiff, a little whiff of chocolate. Oh, I know exactly where you're going. A little whiff of chocolate. And Sonny the Cuckoo Bird turns into an insane person that will stop at nothing until he gets the Cocoa Puffs. He is cuckoo. He is cuckoo for the Cocoa Puffs. I will take Sonny the Bird, Sonny is cuckoo for the Cocoa Puffs. I will take Sonny the Bird, Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

as my number one pick. I think you just drafted like a coke addict. Like that you, a cocoa addict that you just release onto the Coliseum and he just goes bananas. Look, don't hate the player, hate the game, man. There is a chance that, I mean, look, that

could backfire on you. I'm not sure that when he goes cuckoo, he doesn't go cuckoo on your own team. I'm not in there. It's only the mascots. But your other mascots are in there. Your other mascots are going to be like, get this guy off the team. He's a team player. If I know anything about Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, he's a team player.

I thought you just said he was cuckoo. All right. He's a team. He's an absolutely insane team player. He's cuckoo bird he's a team player i thought you just said he was cuckoo all right he's a team he's an absolutely insane teamwork guys he's like dennis rodman he's great on the court but he's an absolute nut job that's perfect so far so good uh tony's snacking on jason okay so i'm thrilled with with that. I don't think it was good. But there were... So I thought there were three really good battle mascots. Tony the Tiger being one, and I'm happy to take the next two. I was a little jealous of being at the turn here with two picks.

Oh, see, I... Well, I am now. Look, we know this from history, right? When you're in a fight, when you're in a battle, Braun loses to magic. I need that magic in my life, and he might be tiny, but lucky the leprechaun's got magic. He's a straight up, I mean, what are you going to do

against a leprechaun who's casting whatever he wants? He can make. No, he's magical. He's a magical being. Yeah, but he just produces lots of red balloons, and that's not going to do much for you. I'm telling you. His magic is changing the marshmallows in his cereal. He'll make all of you turn to marshmallows.

I'm not afraid of a Tony the Tiger marshmallow. Bring it at me, son. There is a horror franchise based around the leprechaun because a leprechaun is a vicious beast. You've been infected by the leprechaun series. Here's the thing. They're a friendly folk. Oh, leprechauns are monsters and everybody knows that. Go to Ireland. Oh, leprechauns are monsters, and everybody knows that. Go to Ireland.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. But here's the thing. You want to talk monsters. Okay, a leprechaun, yes. They're a terrifying monster. Okay. But you want to know what's a real straight-up monster?

Wait, I thought Bron doesn't. All right, never mind. Go on. No, this isn't just Bron. This is a problem. This is the thought Braun doesn't. Go on. No, this isn't just Braun. This is a problem. This is the undead, man. This is a problem. This is Count Chocula. I'm taking

a straight up vampire. You can't kill me. I'm already dead. That was my number two. That was my next pick. I thought Count Chocula could sneak around the turn. I mean, at the end of the day, he's a vampire. He's a vampire that can turn into a bat and vice versa. So he's got some versatility.

Yes. You're not the only one. And Mike could have had two. I was going to say he could have had two chocolate-based. That would have united the team. That was my entire plan, man. Count Chocula comes in, sets off the cuckoo bird yeah oh that is smart well jason you got one good pick and one really really bad one you and i are even minus the good

pick then all right oh goodness now i feel like i have i feel like you've set off in a fantasy draft sometimes there's a run and of a position and you want to be the first one at the at the top of the run that sets it off and i feel like jason might have set off the run so that i'm i am struggling here because i somehow thought that there were mascots that were going to slip through the cracks, and they so far have not. So far have not. So I need some muscle. He's tilting hard.

He's super tilting. I am tilted because I didn't think I would have to take these guys early, but I got to take the muscle. I got to take someone who is very, very large and can protect me. He has a monster himself. He is a counterpart to said Count Chagula. I will take Frankenberry. He is Frankenstein's monster.

He'll be out there just breaking backs and ripping off heads. Breaking backs and ripping off heads. I didn't even think about it. You know that old thing. What cereal is Frankenberry for? Frankenberry. Ah. Ah.

I mean, the reason Mike says I'm digging deep. Are they like? Nobody's ever had them. Okay. I mean, if I Google cereals, I see it, and I'm like, this guy's clearly a monster. I am a cereal connoisseur since the time I was two years old. You are not a connoisseur because there is a third. There is a trilogy.

Oh, I'm well aware. Oh, I'm well aware. He's on my list. Oh, I don't know who he is, but guess what, I'm well aware. Oh, I'm well aware. Oh, I don't know who he is, but guess what? I'm well aware. No, I Googled a list. Which one is it? I Googled a list of these cereal boxes. Yes, I can see.

It's very obvious. This is the most impassioned battle royale we've ever had. I'm really happy right now. Jason has Lucky the Leprechaun and count chocula boom boom bam mike has sunny the cuckoo bird and frankenberry uh my second pick behind tony the tiger i'm going with the captain yeah i'm going with the captain crunch he's got an established history of beating back the pirates. Does he? He's a captain.

He's a captain. And he's shown, if you are appraised of his commercial work, he can take his ship right onto land. He brings it right up to you. I was not aware. He turns people into Captain Crunch cereal. Isn't he the one who has the mixed up cereal? Oh, yeah. Oops, all berries.

Oops, all berries. I'm a captain, and I can't run my own ship. He's made a few mistakes, but when you make a mistake, and you can market it and make a lot of revenue, you know what I mean? Or you make a mistake, and you're dead. I don't know.

I've got the captain. I don't roll you out. I've got the captain. I don't want to talk up. He's bringing his ship into the Coliseum, which is something I've been dying to do for a while. Get something from the water into the land. And he can snap his fingers and turn people directly into the cereal that I will eat.

You're missing a big part. And while I hate building your team up, a little known fact, Cap'n Crouch has a sword. He does have a sword. So you watch it. He's literally drafted someone with a weapon, which is pretty good. In a draft like this, you got to find that.

And then for my last or my third pick. Your third, yes. Man, I'm drafting Chip. And Chip's a wolf. Tell me who Chip is. Cookie Crisp. Yeah. Is that a wolf?

I thought it was a dog. He's a wolf right on the front. Yep. I was saving him as well. You guys clearly did your homework. Yeah, Chip the wolf. I've got a tiger, a wolf, and a captain with a sword. When we were growing up, it was just a dog and the robber.

They changed him. That's what I don't know. And eventually he got replaced by Chip the wolf. You have got it. And well, actually, I have got it. So back to you, Mike. This is the problem. I am crushing this draft.

That's terrible. Yippee-ki-yay. Yeah, especially when you could just say, like, this draft is great. That's true. Yeah. I was, you know. Instead, you had to go for the reach. His name's Chip, you see?

I understand. Oh, Mike. Now, Mike, you were tilting with the last pick. Now, you knew this was a four-round draft before it began, right? I did, but I underestimated my adversaries. Okay. In their serial knowledge. Thank you.

You underestimated them and all their picks, you've said, are very bad. So there you go. I got to do what I got to do. What do I gotta do i'll give you a couple more minutes here mike you have sunny the cuckoo bird oh now see i'm all in on that pick that was not a tilt pick frankenberry yeah the cuckoo bird was not a tilt pick you clearly have not seen what the man he is he isid. I remember the commercials. He loves chocolate. He sure does. He sure does. And in a fight, that's really going to help you a big time.

Yeah, it sure is. Count Chocula. It's going to help me a lot. All right. I guess I just need multiple guys. I don't know what they can do. I feel like they're probably two inches big. I know where you're going here. But at this point, what am I going to do?

You're going for bulk. The amount, quantity of people. Quantity over quality, baby. Give me Snap, Crackle, and Pop. There's three of them. There's sound effects. They're probably doing something. There's sound effects.

There's Snap, Crackle, and Pop. So you're going three. They could be pests. they could probably bite a couple ankles when when you're playing when you're playing an rpg and you're the sorcerer and all you do is just summon tons and tons of little annoying creatures you're super overpowered i've got at least three of them sure mike sure jason three little tiny guys three teeny tiny i'm surprised there's the guy with the leprechaun with magic the leprechaun is is much larger than snap crackle and pop you know i thought you were gonna go here's the problem i don't think he's really a leprechaun

leprechauns aren't that big he's a giant leprechaun leprechauns aren't that real mike i don't know how big they really are they're very they're very very small okay i think we can all agree they're very very small yeah i mean they're they're they're they're uh you know a couple feet tall yeah a couple feet you know a couple feet i i i disagree they could pick up a butter knife and use it that's they're big enough to do that which is what i'm picking up their pot of gold and taking it with them. Are they? I think they're just hanging with it.

I'm on to Google. Diving in their little pot of gold. Dang it, they average about three feet in height. Boom! All right, wait. Now I feel like I need to Google how tall are Snap, Crackle, and Pop. We don't need to do that. We don't need to do that we don't need to do that uh jason you have a pick i will figure out the height of mike's three little they're the size of cereal bowls we already

know okay yeah they're small they fit all three could fit in one bowl. You could eat them in one spoon. It's a terrible pick. Honestly, I thought when you said you're going for mass, I thought you were going cinnamon toast, get the old chefs, just because you got three dudes. But you went and got mini versions that I could step on. So the guys that could just run out there and get eaten? Look, if you had to put the cinnamon toast crunch three chefs against snap crackle and pop i know that guy's graying out and he's an old man

but he's stepping on your little guys i mean no this is an ant-man situation i think snap crackle and pop that might be the sound they make when you eat them. Yeah. All right, Jason, you're up. I know my fourth pick. I'm trying to decide on my third. That's strange. Yes, it is strange. Because you get them back-to-back.

I get them back-to-back, and my fourth pick is going to be the best pick of this entire draft. It might be a little bit mocked, but you guys will know that in a battle royale, we've been here before. We've done this. We've done this with a sports draft with an NBA team. Alright. First, I'm going little, like Mike. No one's as little as me.

I'm going... Well, no. This is going to be just as little as Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Wait, are you going with the bee? I'm going Buzzbee, man. You're afraid of bees. I'm coming straight at you. I mean, this is literally, I'm trying to make my afraid pick.

It has been established, though, that if you use your bee power, you will be sacrificing yourself. Buzzbee goes down with his own. His power is fear. He's going to be flying around getting everybody distracted. He ain't never staying, but you're going to be terrified. It's not going to matter, though. It's not going to matter because of my fourth pick. The fourth pick is literally the only one I need.

And even though he's from a very stupid cereal that I'm sure Andy loves. Come on. No. Sonny. No. From Raisin Bran is the son! Try fighting against the son while I melt you all down to your milk and then put you in my cereal. I mean, I just drafted an entire son with hands. Yeah, but that is the friendliest son that you've ever seen.

Not in a battle royale. You ever seen him in a battle royale? He's a fierce, hot competitor. He drops those giant raisins on people. Does he get the two scoops? Does he hit you with the scoops? Yeah, too. That's all he gets, though, is two scoops. Sure. Two scoops, absolutely. But a son, if a son is taking a scoop

of something, it is the size of planets. Yeah, I mean, I drafted drafted a son when we were doing the nba mascot draft i think the sons went undrafted but we acknowledged that they were the best pick so you're telling me that sunny is not to scale on the box that is correct because oh oh no because he looks about the same size as snap crackle andle, and Pop in these boxes I'm looking at. He's got a point. So is Tony the Tiger a little tiny guy?

Is Tony the Tiger a little tiny tiger? No, but you're of scale. We've seen Tony the Tiger up against other people. I mean, sons are not normally quite that small. Okay, so you drafted a really boring cereal mascot for your last one. I did. I got Cheerios and Raisin Bran, but they're going to be out there terrifying and melting you

all down. All right. So, Mike, unfortunately for you, you have to pick again. Well, as... Sorry, to go back, because you're like, well, he's... The Frosted Flake Tony the Tiger, every single box I'm looking at, his head is smaller than the bowl

or the same size of a bowl of cereal. This is a little baby. If you just look at the bottom, though, it says not to scale. Do you notice that? Oh, I missed that. Full-size tiger. Full-size tiger. Well, full-size tiger, not to scale, very dangerous. Then I guess I will have to go with this pick because, look,

I know I won't win the polls, but in my heart, I know that I will have won the battle. I did my best. When I did my best and Jason's son will kill every single person, except for Boo-Berry. Except for Boo-Berry. Franken-Berry and Boo-Berry. Because Boo-Berry is already a ghost.

He's already dead. And unless you're calling in the Ghostbusters, then you can't get rid of me, and I'll just be hanging out. Leave it to Mike to go a few layers deep here. I mean, it's not a bad pick. Like I said, the polls won't respect Boo-Berry, but I know that I will just be hanging out with

the sun. It'll just be the two of us at the end of this fight. But here's the thing. The sun eventually dies. It might be millions of years, but Boo-Berry will still be there. All right. So, Mike, you ended your draft. The Sunny, the eventually dies it might be millions of years but boo berry will still be still be there all right so mike you ended ended your draft the sunny the cuckoo bird frankenberry snap crackle and pop and boo berry i have tony the tiger the captain chip the wolf and i'm actually going to close it out with i don't know if you even remember this mascot. Sounds perfect. But do you remember the mascot for Honeycomb?

Yep. He was on my list. The frog? No, no, no. I tilted. Honeycomb, the craver. What's his name? He craves Honeycomb.

The Honeycomb craver. He looks like a Tasmanian devil. He's maybe as psychotic as Sonny the Cuckoo Bird. 100%. He spins around. He flies in and out of everywhere. Oh, yeah. He's very disturbing.

You don't remember. Honeycomb, honeycomb. There you go. He is a mascot. You do remember. Oh, dude. Honeycomb's delicious. You know the story of like Five Nights at Freddy's where apparently the person who made

the game was just supposed to, like he thought he was making a nice fun game but then people eventually let him know no you've created monsters and they need to be in a horror game that's the same thing for the it's disturbing it's a freaky looking creature and he's a great fourth pick for my team because he's just gonna cause some chaos so yeah do you have a favorite team a wily guy before melted down uh i'm looking over him so we got andy with tony the tiger uh captain uh chip the wolf and craver and we got mike with sunny the cuckoo bird frankenberry snap crackle and pop and boo berry and jason has lucky the leprechaun count chocbee, and Sunny. And I think I would have to cast my vote for Jason. My man!

That's all the time we have on today's episode of the show. Even with just... Because of the sun? Yeah, the sun and Count Chocula. That's a pretty tough... See, Count Chocula is a really, really good pick. Here is a problem for your team, Jason. Oh, I know where he's going.

Let me have it. You know what can't come out in the sun? You drafted a sun. You know who can't live in the sun? Oh, shoot. A vampire. So enjoy your team of three members. So you have the sun and a leprechaun who does

nothing and a bee. And a sleeping vampire. You idiot. I already got Al's vote. We're good. Everyone go vote for me. Oh, that's funny. What did we learn today?

That Jason knows nothing about vampires. That was an interesting draft. These are not not creatures these creatures were made to sell cereal they were not made to fight they were they were made to make you want to consume cereal have either of you guys have you ever listened to that podcast the cereal wars before this is a not this is just a blind promo i imagine kellogg's is involved somewhere no because it indicts it just shows you it's not mr keller how many people fall for the like one you know look at cheerios boxes nowadays they all say the same thing might prevent might lower your cholesterol or whatever like one health claim on cereal for the last 200 years is sold cereal.

You make any health claim about them and you're like, man, I feel good about myself eating this sugar bread in the morning. It's funny. Might fill your belly. Yeah. So what did I learn today? I learned that Jason would do almost anything to try to evacuate his system so he can eat more food. That would be awesome, and you're 100% correct. I learned that people actually watch the entirety of Wheel of Fortune and not just clips of when there are mistakes, which are hilarious. Wheel of Fortune, that's a national treasure. It does feel that way, but it's been 20 years since I've seen it in a full episode. I'll be honest with you. It's been a long time thank you for joining us we'll see you next time

goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast tocom Hey, you did it. You made it to the end. Thank you for listening. It was a real fun ride, Andy. This one was especially good. Yeah, I liked it. I felt like I was on point. My form was excellent.

Yeah, you complimented yourself a lot throughout. Well, thank you for noticing that I did that. Head over to SpitballersPod.com, and you can figure out how you can help support this show and get access to episodes early and some other stuff. Check it out, SpitballersPod.com.