Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 105: Rub-a-Dub-Dubbin & The Perfect Heist

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

This show is packed with hilarity. We muse on real life power ups, dial-up internet, and President Taft. We also have our ‘Is This Real Life’ segment on the show, where we learn why you might want to think twice about holding in that fart you’ve got brewing. We slam the doors on this episode with an absolutely ridiculous draft of things needed for a bank heist. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's me. It's Andy. Hey, Andy. How's it going? I'm fantastic. We've got a great show today. That's number one. Number two, I just want to let everyone out there listening know that if they don't have enough Spitballers-themed aspects of their life, they can go over to SpitballersPod.com. They can click on the Become a Spitwad button.

It's just a little button. That's how it sounds. Yeah. When you click it, it goes, boop-bing. Is that a spittoon? Yes. Okay. You can click on become a spitwad, learn more about how you can support the show and get some really cool perks at spitballerspod.com. Let's get to the episode. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Squeed up, pop, pop, squeed up, pop, pop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, Okay. I'm sure it sounded really weird for you guys over there.

It's tough because, yeah, when we're on Zoom, you're a little delayed. But I think it was good. I would vote it six and a half to seven. Yeah, I think that's appropriate. Here's what I have to tell you. I could raise that after I listen to the actual live. When you hear the live version, you're going to lower that number. Oh, am I? We're giving you a benefit of the doubt that you do not deserve.

You're trying to tell us that you hit some mark that we just aren't aware of, but you also missed that mark, apparently. Look, I found some room in between the beats. Yeah, I know. As we call it in the biz. I found some room in between the beats. Yeah, I know. As we call it in the biz. I found some space between. I found some jazz type. Look, it's in 4-4, and I went right into a 5-8, and we're good.

Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you. Great show for you today. Excited about the draft. Excited about is this real life coming back to the you today. Excited about the draft. Excited about is this real life coming back to the episode today. And, of course, we will ponder some would you rather questions together. We have a review to share.

And, you know, well on our way through the second hundred episodes. Right? I mean, we finished the first hundred. We did. We did. first 100. We did. This is like 105 now. And now we're on our final 100. The first 100, final 100. Yeah. But you can support this show

while it's still around at SpitballersPod.com. Click the Become a Patron button. Become a Spitwad. At SpitballersPod on Twitter. Instagram.com. Slash SpitballersPod. You can reach out on any social media platform.

And you'll find Al Borland there. Just chilling. Just sitting around. Just staring at the social media handles. Look, I have found that people who tag him on Twitter get a response in approximately 45 seconds. 100% of the time, they get a response immediately. He is sitting around just waiting by his computer staring at his mentions. Is that producer Borland?

Is that what that is? All notifications are on for immediate response. That's part of his job requirement. He would never not do that because it would jeopardize his employment. If I was listening to this, I would test the theory right now and start spamming at producer Borland and see how many responses you get.

Borland, what's your handle? It is at producer Borland. Yeah, yeah. Well, we need to get a good gauge of listenership, and this is the best way to do it. Let's go ahead and read a review. Review-a-saurus-rex. This one comes in from Chobi from the United States of America.

Five stars. Whoopsie-poo. That's the title. I just read them here, people. When it comes to comedy, there's a lot to say about Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, so much. These three have made my Monday morning so much better. But on the rare occasion I miss a show on the drive-in, I love to listen it throughout the day.

On one occurrence, it was mid-morning, almost time for my daily deed. And as Jason was pleading his case about a fire pooping pig, I let a hearty laugh and had to excuse myself to the boys room. Nobody needs to know the outcome of the situation I had in my pants. Oh, no. Chobie. But everyone needs more spitballers in their lives. Love you guys. Thanks for keeping us entertained.

I now understand the title. Whoopsie poo. Oh, it all comes back in. Wow. Hey, Chobi. Been there. Been there, brother. At least mine came due to a disease, though.

I love that all of this took place all this happened and the end result was liking the show more. It wasn't liking it less. If someone makes me laugh till I crap my pants I'm in. They've got a lifelong listener in me that's for sure. Alright let's do some

Would You Rather. Would You Rather. Alright Jess sends in this Would you rather? Would you rather? All right. Jess sends in this would you rather question from the website in a one versus one street fight. My specialty. Yeah. Yeah. Mike's known for that. boost in attack, defense, and stamina.

Okay, I'm stronger. Or a 25% boost in speed, accuracy, and reflexes. Oh, man. I feel like I'm entering a video game. We basically are, right? Build your character here. Yeah, we are in an RPG.

The only difference to... Which one gives me more muscles? Because that's really my deficiency. That's the attack. Yeah, we are in an RPG right now. The only difference to- Which one gives me more muscles? Because that's really my deficiency. Yeah, the attack, defense, and stamina would be more muscles. Yeah. I know it would be a surprise, but that's what I could use in a 1v1 street fight more than- I got pretty good reflexes.

I feel like my speed's above average in a normal street fight, but the muscles are really the downfall. See, that's what I was going to bring up here. The difference between this being like a video... I need attack and I need stamina. Yeah, between being a video game choice and this question is the fact that this is us. It's not just a generic... You've got a generic fighter.

That's true. Which ones do you need? This is if I'm in a 1v1 street fight, and I can tell you right now, I've got enough attack and defense. I think my speed, accuracy, and reflexes, they're all fine. I'm going to scrap. I'm going to go. But if that fight lasts more than about 12 seconds,

I'm going to give you five. I am going to be exhausted. I very much need the stamina like that is uh look i i mean you know back in the day when i was in shape i used to train uh jets and muay thai and we'd roll and we'd spar and there is nothing more surprising than the stamina that takes and that was when i was in shape and you roll for three minutes and at the end of that, you've got to go puke. If I were to get in a 1v1 fight right now, here's what I'm doing. I'm just letting you know. I am loading up the biggest power punch you've ever seen because it's my only shot.

One. Adrenaline lasts longer than 12 seconds. That's the honest truth. If you are in a fight and you've got the adrenaline, it's going to drive you a little bit longer than 12 seconds. No, it will not. I disagree with you. It will not. Maybe 24 seconds. maybe 30 seconds. Adrenaline can keep you going for a little while. And then the drop off from adrenaline, you'll probably pass away to the next life.

I'm surprised, Jason, that your move would be a punch and not just a bear hug fall on someone. Well, I mean, let's be honest. That's the ending. After the punch, that's how he relaxes. To be honest, I would take someone to the ground. That's where I think I would have the advantage. You're right, but my point in saying I'm loading up for one big swing is that I know it's got to be over quick.

I'm not doing the battle of attrition here because I'm losing that battle. I'm doing the battle of... I guess you're right. that battle. I'm doing the battle of, you know, I guess you're right. You're a fight sprinter, not a fight marathoner. That's right. That's right. You guys are looking at this all wrong. Okay.

If I am in a 1v1 street fight, it's easy. I'm taking the boost in speed, accuracy, and reflexes because if I have a 25% boost in speed, accuracy, and reflexes. Because if I have a 25% boost in speed, you're not going to catch me while I'm running away because I'm not getting in a 1v1 street fight. Forrest Gump is gone. I am out, man. No, you're 100% right. A street fight has no rules.

I legitimately almost put in there that you cannot use your speed to run away from the fight. Too bad, I only took it. No, Producer Boland didn't put that in. Mike is completely legal here to run away from the fight too bad i only took it no producer boland didn't put that in mike is completely legal here to run away from this fight the problem i have is that if i chose speed to run away and i don't add on that stamina then i get to the end of the block before i get caught up upon and i am spent and uh you know that that just doesn't i have to have the stamina 100 i have wondered about the underutilization of like if you're if you're being held up at gunpoint or something right or you're you're in this

situation nobody ever does the like oh look over there like what about trickery trickery is underrated in these situations like a good year blimp yeah just be like oh yes that's what the attacker is really gonna be they've got a they've just got a huge collection of blimp? Yeah, just be like, oh. Yes, that's what the attacker is really going to be. They've just got a huge collection of blimp cards and they're like, the Goodyear blimp? That's what would get their attention. Is that still a thing? The Goodyear blimp is still a thing.

How was it ever a thing? Do you think of it as a thing? I think of it as a thing that gives me a view of a Monday Night Football game. I remember as a kid it was a thing that gives me a view of a Monday night football game. I remember as a kid, it was a thing. It was a thing. If you saw the Goodyear blimp, you would say, look, I guess if I saw it over my house, that'd be cool.

It was like a famous landmark, but that could go everywhere. It could travel. That's good marketing. We need a spitballers blimp. Oh, dude, that would be awesome. Here's what we actually need. Al Borland will be in charge. He can produce from there.

What I think we need, and I would just love to do this, is a spitballer's 1v1v1 boxing ring boxing match. I'm down. That would be all three in the ring. Yes, absolutely. 1v1v1 is the worst because you know it's automatic that two people team up on one i mean it just happened have you ever seen no i don't think it is have you have you ever seen the clips because these shows are are what they're definitely

from russia there are russian fighting shows where it's they build an obstacle course that looks like you're trying to play tag in it, except it's six people all fighting each other. What? Oh, yes. Enjoy internet. Is this like part of a prison program? Look, I don't claim that I know what's going on over there, but I know that these shows exist because I've seen clips of them.

And it is insanity. Who would win in a boxing fight right now? I'm super out of shape. Just boxing. Boxing alone. The three of us. We're getting in the ring. Mike puts his hand up.

He thinks he wins. I feel good. I think Andy's... Andy, have you... Okay, this is legitimate. Have you ever done... Have you ever boxed anybody? I don't think I've ever box... Andy, have you... Okay, this is legitimate. Have you ever done... Have you ever boxed anybody? I don't think I've ever boxed anybody, no.

But he's athletic. I would be able to avoid punches. Your reach is unbelievable. I might not be able to get a lot of power into my punches. That's the issue. That's why Andy feels like the adrenaline will carry him through. I remember doing dumb, stupid fight nights with your friend where you put on boxing yeah yeah i mean no you're done you are done in eight seconds and you feel

like you're gonna pass out let me do a little test here jason said we'd be 1v1v1 on the count of three in that 1v1v1 situation name the person that you punch first okay because you obviously you're not choosing yourself so i know 100 what i would do one two three jason okay now it's mike and i both punched you yeah are you gonna feel like that's a fair fight that didn't turn out the way that i thought it was gonna turn out uh Less fair. Less fair. I took a gamble, but it worked out. I'm going immediate body shot to Andy. I'm going body shot to Andy. Oh, perfect.

Then I win even easier. Okay. Jason's unconscious. Andy has been hitting the kidneys. One-on-one tournament. One-on-one tournament. There you go. There you go.

Mike, you still think you win? I think I win. Andy, do you think you win? I think I win. Andy, do you think you win? In pure boxing, I don't think you win. Pure boxing. I don't think you hit me. You do have your reflexes are good, but you It's my

legs, man. It's my legs. I'm going to punch you with my legs. I know, but you have put on a few. I have put on so much more than a few. That is the kindest you have ever been. Look, when I said we needed a spitballer's blimp, that's not what I meant. We've got one. I am now the mascot. Look, when you say, can I have a few slices of pizza, you wouldn't be expecting 15, right?

You wouldn't be like, can i get a few slices of pizza no i want more than a whole pie i want more than uh i said a few why are you stopping yes all right i'm i'm sorry i'm sorry i take i think we could all agree i would win in a fight i'll punch mike first now because of that comment uh steph from patreon says would you rather be a butcher a baker or a candlestick maker now this is actually a really good philosophical question right because there's a famous the butcher the baker and the candlestick maker but i feel like it's outdated because it's just a vocational question it's not really philosophy to me we we got to go back to the beginning of this. What is the real story about the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker?

What predicament are they in? I genuinely don't know, but I assume it's terrible. All nursery rhymes come from some awful... Owl? Yes. Because in my head, all I can picture is a beautiful animated, not animated, illustrated picture of these three in a bathtub. No, that's what it is.

It's Rub-A-Dub-Dub. Is that what it is? Three men in a tub. I wonder who it might be. The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. That's right. Why are they in a tub? Well, they're Rub-A-Dub-Dubbing.

But here's my issue. Here's my issue with this question is it's outdated this is not a fair question because once upon a time a candlestick maker was a really really important job you don't have light you're the electrician this is do you do you want meat do you want bread or do you want light but nowadays if you were to ask this question, it would be like, would you rather be a realtor, a business owner, or like a blockbuster manager? That doesn't, you know, a VCR repairman. One of those things is gone. So candlestick makers out of the equation.

Are we in agreement here? No, but I won't throw it out. You're now an artisan. Yes. Like you are a specialty person. People still have candles jason mr moore i guarantee that your house with knowing your wife you have candles throughout your home we have candles throughout our home probably probably from bed bath and beyond do you want to know

where it's from bath and body you want to know where our candles are from yes don't know don't care that's where it's from i maybe it's walmart maybe it's i got some for my uh birthday shout out to the mad dog i got a stick maker is what you're saying you didn't get it from a candlestick maker i don't care you know what i care about i care about where i get my candlestick i don't want to be those candles but i don't want to be a butcher i don't want that life so i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna bake i get those those wonderful smells all day long you ever been in the candle stores i get a headache in five seconds all those smells mixing together that's fair i want to smell bread all day do you know how ben and jerry both died young

yeah they got the beatus if i if i was pretty sure they're both alive so, I'm just assuming here, if I was a baker, I would die young as a baker. Because day in, day out, being in a bakery, first of all, they say don't eat your products. That's out the window. So you're not a butcher either then? No, I'm totally a butcher. I'll live that keto life. I'll go carb-free. That's impossible. Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say you would be carb-free and making bread? No, no, no, totally a butcher. I'll live that keto life. I'll go carb free. That's impossible.

Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say you would be carb free and making bread? No, no, no, no, no. I said I'm going to be a butcher. I was looking at Ben and Jerry. They're both alive. I'm almost 100% sure. I saw them on that Jeff Goldblum ice cream episode.

They were both being interviewed. They are both alive. Thank you. My apologies, Ben, and my apologies, Jerry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we would love to sponsor your product. Now, Tom and Jerry, they're not alive anymore. No, they're alive.

They can't die. Because they're cartoons? That's good. Yeah. All right, so I will go baker. Final answer. I'm going butcher. I love meat.

I feel like I would make the best meat, and I would eat a lot of it. I'm going cand. I love meat. I feel like I would make the best meat. Okay. And I would eat a lot of it. I'm going candlestick maker. No, you're not. I 100% am. Before I read through the show, Doc, I saw this question. I think I would enjoy the craft of making a candle and knowing that my creation, it lasts for multiple days where if you make the bread, that thing, that's fleeting.

That's gone in a moment. You want to get philosophical here. We've been buying things on Etsy lately for this cabin we're going up to. Oh, yeah. Oh, perfect. Candlestick maker. And I'm on Etsy. There's probably candle makers on Etsy for sure.

But I'm sitting there and we all work. We've worked in digital forever, right? It's all web and the internet. I'm with you, Mike. I would love to just, I'll make a shoe and sell a shoe. I'll make a hat and sell a hat. That would be kind of redeeming to make something with your hands. I'm switching to candlestick maker.

Yes, team. Oh, we got a candle store, this is awesome this is awesome but i just want to throw one thing out before i move to the next question uh-huh you are not and you are you there's no way around this you are not a candle maker you're a candlestick maker okay that's what this is and when's the last time you've bought a candlestick not a candle in a jar a nice scented beautiful product a candlestick are the candles no no they're they're a type of candle but candlesticks are not just candles candlesticks go in like the candelabras the tall long burning ones for light you guys make candlesticks that nobody buys so congratulations on your blockbuster video store i'm making me i'm fine with it still i have to correct you because i'm googling about what candlesticks

are and everything that's popping up is referring to like stock charts so now me and andy are in the stock business and we are making that money yes because the only relevant candlestick anymore is in the stock market. You are correct. I love it. Hey, by the way, since we were in the 1v1v1 fight, Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker, who wins? Oh, the Butcher.

The Butcher. I mean, come on. The Butcher's in good shape. All right, Joe from Twitter. Would you rather work on a state-of-the-art computer with dial-up internet or on an old IBM ThinkPad with gigabyte internet speeds kill me kill me next question i'll take the latter it's obvious to me yeah wait i will take the old thinkpad with the fast internet oh it's obvious to me i'll take the state-of-the-art computer

yeah but if you got dial-up speeds you're i'm just thinking about how i navigate the internet and i'm almost positive the second one is fast how many tabs do you have open oh right now tab issues okay okay and start and starting up the computer like you guys are probably you already got your modem going look i'm in front of my laptop. I just counted. And when you asked that question, how many tabs are open, I thought, oh, I'm not on my work computer. That's on the other side of the room here.

That one, I don't even know how many tabs, but it's an unspeakable amount. But I counted the tabs that are just on right here. I've got 17 tabs currently. You have 17 tabs open? 17 tabs. But this is my small amount. Yes. That's a bad tab management.

Yeah, it's not efficient. I think that's pretty normal. It is. But it is normal. So I'm taking the new computer with the old speed because if I want to play an offline video game, I can. Gosh, name an offline video game. Name an offline video game i can gosh name an offline video game that's a name an offline well name an online video game you could play on an ibm thinkpad you can't al borland just sent me a screenshot of his browser and goodness it has i'm gonna guess 35 to 40 tabs

al al you need to count those. All right, I'll get a count. Oh my gosh. Why do you have so many tabs open? Do you save that as your default? Like when you open your browser, those 46 tabs open up? I have never. I've never seen the tab.

Spitwads, listen. The tabs are so small on his screenshot that they are now only icons yeah you can't see you can barely recognize the icons they're so small like when i 52 see here's the thing you can't live that life on a think pad eventually you need new windows with multiple tabs like i might have 52 tabs open, but they're certainly not in one window. Grow up. Are there other windows?

There's one other window, but there's only two tabs in that window. So you're up to 54 total tabs. Spread the wealth. That is correct. Alright, you guys make a compelling tab argument. I guess I'll go state-of-the-art computer. We all lived with the state-of-the-art computer where I downloaded my two songs over Napster overnight.

Yes. I figured it out then. Oh, man. All right, let's do one more. All right. Michael from the website, would you rather eat your favorite food when you're starving or drink your favorite drink when you are parched?

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. This is soup's easy. Oh, you're going to have some soup? Because it's soup. His favorite drink when he's parched is soup. Yes, my favorite drink.

I know you would think that's a food, but my favorite drink is a soup. So no matter if I'm hungry or I'm thirsty. that's a food but my favorite drink is a soup so this uh no matter if i'm hungry i'm thirsty it's a it's a beef and vegetable yeah yeah uh no but like if you ask me right now what is your favorite drink i don't know what's your favorite soda uh i don't you don't know what's your favorite what's your favorite adult beverage i don't know i don't know like i don't know what's your favorite? What's your favorite adult beverage? I don't know. I don't know. I don't have a favorite any of those things. Do you have a favorite color?

Not really. I mean, I like blue. Do you have a favorite anything? Have you ever made a decision in your whole life? Andy, what's your favorite soda? Pepsi. Yeah, mine is Coca-Cola. It's very easy.

How do you not know these things? Both of them. And honestly, mine uh subject to sponsorship well absolutely my favorite my favorite soda is currently pepsi because they have sponsored me the most recent uh here's oh crap i forgot about that um yes good job mike um if if you i i if if you say okay we're to go to your favorite restaurant. Okay. What's your favorite restaurant? First of all, I'm excited about that prospect because I love going to nice restaurants. And then it will take me two and a half days to figure out what restaurant we're going to.

Because I don't know what my favorite is. It's all a matter of mood. And this is a problem for me and my wife, which is an extra layer of problem. Because we are indecisive. We care. It's not apathy it is not apathy it's not like oh i could go to any restaurant it's i want the best one and i don't is it this one is it that one we're just always like as soon as we pick one we're like but is it really and this is this is just a problem for all things in life. My answer is quite easily the food.

Because when I'm starving, having food that tastes great is great. When I'm parched and thirsty, I don't... Water. Water is fun. I want ice cold water. Yeah, I don't want like a Pepsi. What's better? You're super...

Done whooping you guys in that boxing ring? Yes, we're done in the boxing ring you are climbing off the floor and you're yes it's a nice glass of milk oh it's the best oh there's only one drink you want and it's water right so it's got to be sunny d or gatorade or the purple stuff this is this is great because i'm getting steak all the time because it says when you're starving. And, man, am I starving quite often. You are a bougie man. If Michael Jordan ran off the court after a hard-fought win

and just started slurping up hot soup, I mean, that would be like Mike Campbell's. But in a more realistic sense, imagine he got a soda sponsor that required at the games that he drank. He drank a soda, whatever it is. Like Sprite, like LeBron James is a big Sprite. He's like, isn't LeBron? Yeah, he's a big Sprite guy.

So imagine that in his contract, he has to go to the sideline and chug Sprite through his basketball games. Like, that's not great, Bob. to go to the sideline and chug Sprite through his basketball games. That's not great, Bob. Oh, my gosh. Are you on the food side then too, Mike? Yeah. I feel like it's pretty easy.

All right. Let's move on. Is this real life? All right. It's time for Is This Real Life, where each of us individually brings a story to the others that they have never heard about. And we do our best to illustrate what's going on in the world. Some very important things happening. Now, I'm going to start it.

I will quickly tell you that I thought my story was going to be one that i had found where a turtle had flown through the air on a freeway and crashed through the front window of a car which reminded me of mario kart very much oh you are right and i will quickly tell you andy before the before the show as we're preparing our articles i sent an article over to producer al borland i said this is it this is the one for me i have to report about this this is unbelievable breaking news it fits with my brand and he said no actually andy's gonna talk about that so oh you know what mine is so somehow we both had similar interests here yes i know about your article i know nothing it's it's sensational here is the headline of this very

recent story uh human urine could help make concrete on the moon says space agency, which is the European Space Agency. You see, one of the big problems, Jason, as you contemplate this with that furrowed brow, one of the big problems with doing anything construction-wise on the moon is obviously getting things to the moon. Yeah, the crew, the stuff. Yeah, that's a problem. It's kind of like you got the urine built in yeah you bring the crew you bring the urine it's one and the same so they said that uh in recent studies it was found that urea which comes inside of your urine uh which is why it's called urine

yeah there you go the main organic... Mike knows everything about this story....would make the mixture for lunar concrete, and it makes it more malleable before it hardens in its sturdy final form. So they said, here's their statement, thanks to future lunar inhabitants, the 1.5 liters of liquid waste a person generates each day could become a promising byproduct for space exploration due to its ability to help you build i guess lunar concrete i built these walls with my own pee necessary i mean i mean look it's efficient yeah it's a very practical way to avoid some water recycling systems in space. Do you know how heavy water is? I mean, it's outrageous.

You can't just bring a whole bunch of that. Yeah, to build concrete up there. So you just work it out. So you make your own. You make your own liquid. That's right. Which we all do. I'm wasting the concrete.

I'm embarrassed. Yeah, I'm going to start going out do. I'm wasting the concrete. I ain't embarrassed. Yeah, I'm going to start going out back and just pee into the sky. They'll have some more. I hope it gets to you. You should be leaving. That's your plan? Is it evaporates and somehow gets to the moon? It's going to the moon.

Tell you what, Jake. For our sake, go out back, pee upward, and test it. Test the hypothesis. That's what science is all about lay flat on your back lay flat on your back send it to the moon um this is for the astronauts this one's for neil oh man that's you know so here's the thing let's let's fast forward in time 200 years and people are in space we've colonized the moon yeah have they just gotten so accustomed to build them with their pee that like that that's that is the way of life and they don't need to ship water because we're never finding water on the moon they're you know

to somehow find a way to mike's right like bring thousands of gallons of water up out of the Earth's atmosphere. Or do they just we just keep growing as a people based on hyper efficiency of our urine? I mean, according to Frozen 2, Olaf said, like, water has been through four people before you drink it. Well, that's a little disturbing. All right. All right. All right, I'm up next. All right. So my title reads,

Florida police use crispy. Oh, Florida, it's going to be good. Use crispy cream to lure black bear off city streets. And this is, so there's not a whole lot to add to this story. to lure black bear off city streets. And there's not a whole lot to add to this story. Here's what happened. Oh, my honey. Honey is sweet. The Florida police used Krispy Kremes to lure a black bear off of city streets.

Basically, it was too populated to tranquilize the bear so they had to be like they had to find a way to get this bear and obviously the police had some donation oh man that's that's a good point did they go to the where they like okay we've got to come up with a plan let's go to the krispy kreme and they like, what do we got? Look around. What do we have? We've got. Here's what you got. Here's what you got. Guys, I got an idea. Uncle Sam's paying for these ones.

We're grabbing three dozen. We only need one for the lure. Expense report. We only need one for the lure. Is this donut on a fishing pole? We needed some backup donuts. I mean, we don't know. This might be a Hansel and Gretel

situation where you got to leave them in a line to get them. So we're going to take 22 dozen. Let's make it 40 dozen donuts on the state of Florida and we're getting this problem taken care of for you. Now I know who planted the bear.

Yes, very interesting. Now I know who planted the bear. Yes, very interesting. Now I know who dropped the bear ant. Alright guys, this is going to sound crazy. I know how we can get three dozen free donuts. More and more I find that I relate to the largest of all mammals because

this would have worked on me as well. Krispy Kremes are awesome and delicious and unfortunately deliver. We're not that different are awesome and delicious. Yeah, you don't want to tranquilize Jason. And unfortunately, deliver. We're not that different, you and I, Mr. Bear. Yeah, I've had some donut temptations today already. We've both got a little hair on our back, and we love Krispy Kreme. And honestly, I will say this.

Now, this makes the story a little less fun. Oh, no. It was easy. The bear died from eating Krispy eating crispy cream donuts he had a heart attack at the end of no it was 250 pounds it was a juvenile bear i literally weigh more than this bear oh that's the problem the sad news is i weigh more and i am confident i could put down more crispy cream than this stupid bear. I would have been like, wait, let me

take care of the bear and I get the donuts. Oh my gosh. Mike, you're up. Alright, so this one goes out to all the people who feel that they are being proper. They're being polite. The holders, and I'm talking

the holders of flatulence what happens the restrainers yeah the restrainer you you you tighten up this in public you know decency yeah well not me according to a report from australia what happens when you hold in a fart? You just exhale it out your breath. What? That's right. That's right because you hold it in and eventually that gas gets absorbed back into the bloodstream

which goes right to your lungs and you breathe it out. If you are holding in your farts, you are in fact a fart breath. You're a fart factory. You're a vessel. A fart face.

You're really a fart face. The classic. There is no insult I have ever used more on my children than fart face. My children are daily called fart faces. I mean, hourly. And now I know it's true no i really kids don't do a lot of restraining yeah they don't restrain oh no but i'm just saying like i mean the the spouse it's it's you know it's a stereotype does that mean

but they get upset with me when when i they is like there's multiple but my spouse gets upset with me when i when i blast one off So is it when I blast one off. So is this, does this mean, let's say you've got a really important day ahead of you. You're meeting in fancy meetings and those are those times you bottle. Do you just have bad breath then? Yeah. Like for these important. Not just bad breath.

You're breathing farts in your face. Wow. Is this a new way to allow for the public flatulence where you can just kind of look at them afterwards when they look at you sideways and you go look i don't i don't want to be a fart face yeah i think that's i didn't fart out my mouth stop looking at me like that what do you want what do you want me to fart out my mouth or just let it go you scream like this to be healthy to be healthy to health all right whoa what kind of fart are you doing? What was that?

It's a little squeaker. That one just squeaked. That was hit the brakes. I agree. I agree. That's how you end up doing both, if you restrain like that. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft.

All right, we are drafting things needed for a bank heist. So we are going to, you know, something we've never probably thought about before today. We're drafting things needed for a bank heist. And I guess at the end of this draft, the Spitwads are going to ultimately decide who's going to be more successful on this bank heist that we are all planning with the objects we're about to draft.

Okay, that's good. Because there was one of two options. It was either they could decide who's going to be most successful or use all this knowledge we've given them and go rob a few. We are very insightful generally, so that could happen. But that'll depend on the objects in hand yep mike you get the first pick you lucky lucky man it's time for a bank heist what do you need for a bank heist well i mean we're we we are clarifying this these are objects

are these yeah i mean uh okay are they the well he said like i i had my i had my whole list ready to go and then literally as j as andy was explaining it i was like you know i probably would like to draft a team but i feel like that's that's against the spirit of this draft so i'm not going to do that as far as you know you can't draw you can't draft other people okay that's all i needed to know that's all you just need to i mean you are about to go to the bank and take care, you know, you can't draft other people. Okay, that's all I needed to know. That's all I needed to know. I mean, you are about to go to the bank and take care of, you know, get yourself some funds. Sure. So you are the getaway driver.

You're everything. It's a one-man show. I just needed to get it out of the way. I'm going to take a mask. Oh, dang it. Because step one is obviously to obscure your identity so that it's not as easy to see that a devastatingly handsome shredded man has just robbed the bank.

No, we are not allowed to draft other people, Mike. This has to be you. How dare you? Oh, we are not allowed. That was good. I wouldn't let you go with the handsome, but the shredded was too far. Oh, yeah. Well done.

All right. So you've got the mask. A man who works out at least once a week. I mean, look at all these muscles from last Tuesday. Shredded. If you've ever seen the scale with your age, the shredded threshold changes. Yeah. I mean'm the man who eats a lot yeah when i think about like shredding the scale it's like on a on a metal yeah you know when

you're shredding the metal you're just going all out you know you're just when i shred that scale i'm like yeah there was a 300 shredding the scale new high. I'm shredded. I do have the high score, though, between the three of us on this scale. Oh, all right. All right. So you're on the clock there. Dad bots for the win. All right. I honestly thought that a mask would come my way.

I assume that would be my pick because I think it's going to be an idiot. Well, I think it's hard to have a bank heist without any kind of weapon. So I'm taking a gun, right? I mean, that should have been the one on one. Nope. That's extra time. That's extra time. Extra time when you're caught.

I'm not planning to get caught. Yeah. I mean, I'm not worried about whether I get 25 or 50 years. Mike's trying to get the least amount of charges at the end of this equation. If the three of us are planning our own Superbank, guys, we're all going down. Mike's like just an apology letter. He's taking an apology letter with him. A spool of ribbon.

I was found on me with a ribbon and a love letter. A list of people I can narc on to knock off time. So you've got a mask i have a gun andy heist away heist away okay well um i'm gonna take a vehicle to start things off okay because i need to get away i need to get away from this i need to try my let's get to get away from this. I need to try, Mike. Let's get specific, man. What kind of vehicle? Armored car. Oh, see, you're in it for the fight.

You would have gotten Dodge Stratus. Absolutely. That's what I was thinking. You want the most unflashy car in the world. I think the draft is a vehicle. Otherwise, we can all just take makes and models of our choosing. The three of us us we all watched a car chase recently together that's true on the los angeles it doesn't end well ever for the

person driving the getaway car i've never seen a man run out of a bank and it end well for them and they're just on foot with a bag of money that's fair i'll take the vehicle first what are you loading up apparently one of us are gonna need a wagon mike because no you're on stuff all this in my pockets you can draft a bike all right well you look you're still on the clock you're still i've got my vehicle and then uh you know if i'm going to rob a bank i'm not just going to take a few dollars from the teller i need to go for broke okay and so i need to get into the safe which means i need some explosives so i'm going to blow the safe open so i can get all the money so that the charges against me are much more severe.

There was part of me that thought you were going to draft a stethoscope like an old western. You were going to listen to a craft. You know we'll run out of draft ideas when we get to episode 4500 and it's like

things for a bank heist in 1771. A st i'll go the scope okay so i'll go a vehicle and some explosives i feel i feel great about those okay okay you have with your 1771 uh tempted me towards a horse but i will not take the horse yet i think he will be available for me with my fourth pick yeah you can take a horse for your bank heist anytime you want. I'm thinking about this getaway and there are issues, right? It's easy to go in there and start the problem. But really, when you rob a bank, you get caught unless you're next level. Unless you are, I i mean this isn't a bank robbery right there's a

bank heist this is a movie scene this is so i am getting all bank and city blueprints okay and i'm collecting all the intel i'm not going you know look the gun might just be for protection city blueprint yeah well sometimes sometimes when you just look at the building, you don't realize that there's some kind of access way, a tunnel system, a sewer system for the city. Blueprints is not a bad pick. That's a surprise and a good pick. I'm coming right up.

Currently, with the picks that he has, he'll look and say, man, if I had some heavy machinery, I could get in right there. Oh, no, I'm going right up through the ground. It's fine. There's a tunnel I found on my blueprints. Of course, there's a sewer entrance right into the big vault. Yeah, that's right. They overlooked this when they were designing this baby.

What's that great doing down there? Which I found because of my blueprints. So now who's the idiot, Mike? All right. So I have a vehicle and explosive. Jason has a gun and blueprints. Mike has a mask. And now he has two picks. All right. So I have a vehicle and explosive. Jason has a gun in blueprints. Mike has a mask and now he has two picks. All right.

He really has to be careful how much hard time he's doing here. He's got the mask to obfuscate his face. Look for me, this is all about disguising who I am because Mike just wants to look so cool when he's caught. That's all he wants. I want a leather jacket. No, no.

I'm not actually. With zippers. I'm not planning on getting caught. That's why I have a mask so they have not seen my face. That's true. And also, they're going to be looking for a man who is six foot, eight inches tall. Wait, are you dressed in stilts?

I'm wearing stilts. I'm wearing lifts. What is it? I'm going up, baby. So they're looking for someone that clearly isn't you until they find the stilts thrown in the alley. But then they won't know. No, I'm not throwing my stilts away.

Those things are expensive. This is such a Jason pick So you're keeping them. This is a Jason pick. We found him. He's not our size, but in his bathroom were these stilts. I just love the middle picture of the super tall masked man. That when something happens and you have to move quickly, are now worried about falling over. The police are here.

What? No, that's not how you rob a bank man it's in and out i'm that the police are not showing up by the time i've i have jaunted away on my stilts wait wait this is for speed you do you know how wide my stride could be when i'm on stilts look i think for the for the purpose of this thinking you could have gotten stilts with the last pick. You said I was not on my list, Mike. Oh, I know I could. All right.

For the purpose of this draft, though, we are all experts at this craft, right? So you are experts at stilts. No, you are you. You're experts at stilts. So go. Well, if you're you, then you can't wear them, Mike. I'm pretty sure... I will bet $100 you can't walk around.

Right now, you give me two weeks, I can figure out. That's what I'm saying, your best version. I mean, I hadn't thought about this. Your best version, two weeks of training. It's your best version of you. You're going to quit after two weeks? Well, no, that's your best. That's peak.

What if the teller says, like, let me into the vault, and they're like, well, the key is on that top shelf over there. And then. Oh, you know who can grab that thing? And he can get the stills. Mike, you cannot wait for your next pick. Any of the workers who get in there all the time and must have a ladder would also be able to grab it. All right.

One more pick for Mike. I can't wait. I'm excited. Imagine the time. Imagine the time it takes them to get a ladder. What are you going to do to your body next at this heist mike you're still on the clock well uh this one's to help me carry stuff like if i'm getting a whole bunch of money i'm gonna need a bag yeah i will take a bag yeah okay just a duffel bag right just just a bag a bag whatever it is. You want two? You just want one? Look, I'm taking a bag to carry money. Okay.

No, that makes sense. Does it have a money sign on it? It would have been my next pick. Enjoy stuffing your pockets with $200. Okay. Okay. Well, here's the thing. I'm not going to need to just stuff my pockets with this money because money is not always

solid money is digital nowadays i'm coming to where i need to go to this bank to their servers to this place and i'm taking a super hacking computer so that i can help get around the surveillance systems i can help get that money digitally transferred to my bank account look i got the blueprints not just to get into the vaults, but to get into their server rooms. And you got two weeks to learn how to do it. The best version of myself. I mean, this computer will do it for me.

Just to quote you, super hacking computer? That is a direct quote. That's how I want it said. Enhance. You hear me, Borland? Enhance. A super hacking computer. That's right. I went into. Enhance. You hear me, Borland? Enhance. A super hacking computer. That's right.

I went into Best Buy, and they said, how may I help you? And I said, look, I need a super hacking computer. And then they handed me a note, and it had a name and a number on it. I had to call that guy and meet him. Yeah, they handed you a note that said, sir, that doesn't exist. This is Best Buy. Oh, it definitely exists and i just drafted it you're jealous my super hacking computer my weapon my gun and what else do i have

i got something else you got a gun blueprint and a super hacking computer i'm on my i'm on my way also can we acknowledge that um i dominated you guys in a recent poll. Just dominated. 86%. Yeah, you did have a runaway victory. You did. Yeah. That was... I knew you'd win it, but...

Ew. I have a vehicle. This is great. I have explosives. Super. I'm in the vault. I am going to draft some rope. Okay?

Oh, that's a great pick. There are people that need to be restrained, and really, rope comes in quite handy in that situation from my extensive research. So I will take some rope, and now I have one pick left. And now I don't know what to take. So I think what I will do is I will take a bulletproof vest. Okay.

You don't want to die. Yeah, because I don't want to be shot with a bullet. And so whether it's some of the patrons of this bank that don't understand how, I'm a peaceful bank robber here. I didn't even draft a gun. Well, the explosives might throw them off. I'm peaceful. I just want to blow this up.

But one of the patrons could have a gun on them, and I would like to be at least able to go on trial. So I will finish it up with a bulletproof vest in case any trigger-happy police or patrons come after. I don't need that. I'll be so, I'll be way up there. You'll get shot in the shins. Yeah, which are my stilts.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. They won't even be able to possibly aim up to your face. Has anybody drafted bulletproof stilts before? Why don't people just rob banks when they're 6'7", 6'8"? They're fine. I'm peacefully. Because then they're 6'7", 6'8"? They're fine. I'm peacefully. Because then they're 6'.

They're always that. I take my stilts off, and they don't know how tall I am. No, I know, but I'm saying for the bullets, they're never going to be able to get you in the face. Because then their real-life legs are going to get shot, and they need bulletproof legs. Look, I don't understand all the intricacies of stilts. Obviously, it's a great pick.

So I closed mine out. Vehicle, explosives, rope, bulletproof vest. Jason has a gun, blueprints, a super hacking computer, and one pick left. I love this pick. You guys are going to hate it. Oh, I love this pick. All right. Are you ready for this?

No. I don't have a wagon. I don't have a car. I don't have a bag. I know where he's going. So I'm going to have to... You do not know where I'm going have a wagon. I don't have a car. I don't have a bag. I know where he's going. You do not know where I'm going, my friend. I am going to the roof and loading up my Harrier jump jet. That's right.

A Harrier? We didn't even go helicopter. We went with a jet? So I wrote down helicopter. What I thought you were going to was helicopter yes i wrote down helicopter but then i'm like i'm not getting away in a helicopter you can't fly either of them so it doesn't matter that's fine i mean look i gotta live or die here right so i've i've got my best chance for escape with power and speed i'm getting nobody's catching up to me if i

if i had a helicopter on the roof and then they just call and they're like uh you know the helicopter that's in the air that's him they could follow you know what i mean like i'm not getting away they're just following me until i run out of gas they're not following a harrier jump jet they're not assembling the the military to come after this bank heist. I am gone. You better pick your banks carefully. Yeah, this has got to have a big roof. Banks that don't really, they're not conducive to whatever you just drafted. Yeah, true lies.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you, James Cameron. This draft went so many places I didn't expect it to go. That's the fun. It's a taller draft than I expected. I'll tell you that. It is. And I've got one to absolutely shut it down

because I didn't realize that I got to learn and inherit a whole bunch of skills that I don't have and won't have with five years of training, Jason. It's ridiculous. Two weeks. Two weeks, my friend. I'm not worried about the power of his Harrier jump jet in the polls, Mike.

What is your final pick? It's clear. It's clear. It's clear what my final pick will be because I'm trying to disguise myself, and I don't need DNA turning me in. I don't need follicles of my hair being on the ground. And they go, well, we know

who this is. That's why I have a wig of animal hair. And it will absolutely distract all of the detectives and they will be like, wait, hold on. A pig robbed this bank. And they'll go, wait, no, it was a horse. So to recap, you had the first pig in this draft.

Yes. I'm so happy right now. And you have stilts and a pig hair wig. No, it's an animal mask. You drafted a pig wig, right? No, it's not just a pig. All sorts of animals. All sorts of hair to throw them off.

Thank you. How dare you? This is a pig, but this one says it's a dog. And you've got a mask? All right. That's what I'm saying. They won't know who I am. It was animals that robbed this pig.

They will not know. Here's the truth. Mike is not going to jail. Mike's not because he's never getting any money from this place. You know what I mean? He's just walking in looking like someone different. Officer, I did nothing. Really tall.

Officer, I did nothing. I know. Please get out of my way. I need to make a deposit. 10-41, there's a man in a pig wig. There's a tall, tall man in a pig wig. I mean, literally. Well, they don't know that

until they analyze the hair. Mike's going to be fine. I'm going to be dead in a jet crash. Yeah. That's, but I'm going to be. You're not even getting up. You're getting arrested on the roof of the bank.

Oh, I can make it explode up there. Oh oh no you're pushing buttons to try to get that i'm shooting my rockets you're telling the cops to stop coming at you while you figure the buttons out that's right um and then so andy has exploded trying to open up i feel like i'm gonna win this draft and i did not expect to you've got a shot shot, but I think the Harrier jump jet, man, people are going to be all over that on the polls. They're going to be like, that's awesome. Are there any things, and I'm assuming the answer is no, because there's nothing left on my list,

but is there anything that was completely omitted? Al, do you have anything? The last thing on my list was wire cutters. That seems important. Bolt cutters, yeah. Al? Yeah, I didn't make a list, but mine would have been far more. I. Seems important. Bolt cutters. Yeah. Yeah. Owl. Yeah. I didn't make a list, but mine would have been far more practical.

But I already had one. It would have been far more practical than some of this. All right. Well, let's figure out what we learned. What did we learn today? Please leave that in. Please leave that in leave that oh you have to leave that in now now you have to now he's oh yeah he wants to cut it dang you i could have fixed that no you sit in your shame ow you sit there what did i learn today i learned that al was not ready for

the soundboard drop from a distance oh my goodness thank you al and uh i learned that Al was not ready for the soundboard drop from a distance. Oh, my goodness. Thank you, Al. And I learned that stilts are underrated when it comes to robbing a bank. Honestly, I'd never thought of it. So now I definitely learned it. You are welcome. And I learned that the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker were, in fact, rub-a-dub-dubbing in the tub-a-dub-tubbin. I also learned that we made a listener poop their pants.

And that's what I'm here for. It makes me feel good. That's what this is all about. Thank you, Spitwats. That is it for the show. Thank you so much for tuning in, supporting. You're amazing people. Don't rob banks.

We'll catch you next time. But if you do, wear stilts. You know it's from us thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com Hey, it's Andy. The show's over. Listen, I've got... Whoa, whoa. Yeah, I've got a... Well, see, that's the right sound

because I got a message from Al Borland. He didn't have the heart to come and tell you himself, but he needs your help. He needs ideas for the show. He needs to know that you're behind him. Jake, his broken wings. So, look, he wanted me to come and say a few words at the end of the show. First, thanks for listening.

Second, thanks for subscribing. And third, head to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can support Al Borland. Click the Become a Spitwad button.