Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 110: Butt Quacks & The Best Dad Jokes

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

Today’s show is loaded with laughs. We talk about such important topics like pooping in bushes, the stadium shimmy, and singing off key. We also give some life advice to a few folks struggling with some moral dilemmas. And last but in no way least, we cap off the show with a draft of the best dad jokes. Trust us, you do not want to miss this one. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh, what's happening, people, before we kick off today's episode? Number one, I want to say, hey, thank you for being here. How's it going? You're beautiful. I imagine you look way better today than you usually do because you're about to listen to this podcast. But look, we need your support here at the Spitballers. Head over to SpitballersPod.com and you can get all the information you need to help support this show ways that you can get access to these episodes early

and a bunch of other things like joining the spit tank that's where we go for our priority selection for fun questions for this show so head over to spitballerspod.com music music music

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music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason Booty Fresh Fruity, it's a stinky big booty. What? What?

Woo. It's a, look, okay, hold on. I heard it's a. I don't know. A stink of fresh booty? I think it's a stinky booty, Mike. Oh, it's a stinky fresh booty? It's a stinky booty.

Because booty rhymes with fruity, and that's where we got. Oh, man. It's not my best man it was the beginning that i struggled with or that i think you struggled with well yeah well i struggled throughout what was the old uh i hop um oh rudy fresh and fruity i think that's what i was i didn't say that but i think i was trying to trying to get there the uh the the order at at i hop that you had to like put the mask on to order. All their commercials where they were either wearing the glasses with the nose.

Oh, like you were embarrassed to order it? Yeah. The best part of those commercials is inferring you're not just embarrassed to be at IHOP in general. No, it's just this one thing at IHOP that I'm really embarrassed. That was their trick. Their trick was if you don't get that, you don't need to be embarrassed to come here. Yeah. But getting that as a kid, the Mickey Mouse pancakes.

Sure. There was literally no dessert. It was just like cake for breakfast. There was no restaurant in the world as a kid that I liked more than IHOP. The pinnacle. And there wasn't a tier two. When I was growing up, every time I wanted to go out to eat, it was IHOP. I the pinnacle. And there wasn't a tier two when I was growing up. Every time I wanted to go out to eat,

it was I hop because our I hop really. Oh, a hundred percent. And it was, if there's no consequences, they still have an absolutely found fantastic breakfast. You're just eating dessert for whatever you get that. I mean,

just would you like to eat dessert? French toast with icing inside, you know, they don't French toast with icing inside. They don't care. They don't. It's like the Taco Bell. It's the Taco Bell of breakfast. They can reappropriate all the objects in different ways to just resell you something new. That's right.

It's genius. There's not enough sugar on your sugar. Rudy, Judy, Fresh and Fruity. Welcome in. Welcome in to the Spitballers podcast. Would you rather life advice and a very entertaining draft on today's show. A little bit different than ones we've done in the past. I know you'll enjoy it.

I think it's going to be very punny. I agree. I agree. Yeah, I'm there already, baby. It's going to be spectacular spectacular that is a home run home right there thank you appreciate everybody supporting the podcast by the way on apple podcast subscribing reviewing if you're listening on spotify google podcast wherever thanks so much for supporting the show following us on socials uh at spitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod, which is also the website

SpitballersPod.com. To all of the Spitwads out there supporting the podcast, we say thank you so much. Thank you so much. And many of your questions are on today's show. Let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather. would you rather alexis from the website would you rather drop ten thousand dollars on a vacation of your choice or on a material item of your choice this is the age-old philosophical question of permanence yeah one you get to keep versus memories and you also get to keep your memories well some of us do some of us do not

as one who has the a stone-cold locked memory most of the time i get to keep them yeah and you and i are different i don't remember yesterday so it's probably all the iHop. You can remember it, but you can't use it. It can't be an active. That's true. If you were to buy, I don't know what your material item of choice here is, for $10,000 if you were to buy a. It's a television. Oh, that's a nice television, Mike.

Whoa. That's what you would drop $10, 000 if it was the item of choice it would be a television if someone is telling me i have to spend like here's you you have ten thousand dollars of your money magically and you have to spend that on one item right now of course it's a tv i don't i don't even know what else it would possibly be. This is so great because to me, what pops into my mind is like when you watch the old Price is Right and the Showcase Showdown, and you'd be rooting for somebody to get a package of items that was like what you would want, right? And there would always be like the new car or the trip to Fiji, right? And I always thought the permanence of the item

was the better way to go. Like, I know the memories would be good and all, maybe because I have amnesia from, you know, I have a 48-hour clock on my memory, but I think I would take an item. I'd take the material item that I could have in the... Here's the problem with the item. I just don't know what it is.

The problem with the item is the price just don't know what it is the problem with the item is the price tag it's in a no man's land where when we say oh the ten thousand ten thousand dollar item it's not enough to get like a car you know or some crazy luxury dream item um and it's more expensive than all the things you actually... I want a really nice computer. You can get a jet ski, Jason. I mean, I can get a jet ski, really nice, used for $3,000. Done. That's my point. You can get three jet skis, Jason.

There you go. What if you stacked them? Like a bunk bed. I don't think they'd do that. But for $10,000, maybe they'd be willing to do it. like yeah that's yeah i mean that i don't think they do that but it's not but for ten thousand dollars maybe they'd be willing to do it i'm just trying to think of what costs right around ten thousand dollars in today's almost nothing so like if i were to be forced to spend ten thousand dollars on an item the first thing that comes to my mind is some kind of super computer just just

decked out you know the highest you know specs on everything imaginable, get a $10,000 computer, and even still, five years from now, it's going to be like, oh, man. Well, right. That's my point. That's the problem with a computer is you spend $10,000 on a computer in two years. That computer is garbage.

You could be the only person that buys the gold plated apple watch like because i think they sell that right yeah i think they do which is i mean i hope they don't act yeah actually have a buyer for it but they do attempt to sell it that is correct yes this is my gold plated apple watch i'm gonna get one from amazon that's gold colored and i'm gonna go right next to you this was twelve dollars all right so what well what if it was it's not just one item you're allowed to spend you're this is you're allowed to go supermarket sweep whatever you got 10 grand to spend on household items upgrading your house or 10 grand for a dream vacation. And like 10K for a vacation is going to get you. That's a spectacular once-

That's a stunning vacation. Of a lifetime vacation. I'm trying to Google objects that cost $10,000, and I've stumbled across something I didn't know could exist. Apparently, there are pills made of gold that you can eat them and digest them, and then you can poop them, and they are gold, my friend. You got poopy gold? You can poop gold.

Wait, that's $10,000? No, that's $4.25 per pill, Jay. Oh, my word. Again, something that I hope there are no buyers for. Come on. There's got to be their little essential oil health benefits. Like, what are they shilling over there with their snake oil gold pills? I don't know.

I'm interested. I'm interested. Because I want to know what it feels like moments after you swallow a pill of gold. Have you ever flushed gold down the toilets? Would you like to? Are you extremely wealthy? Dude, please buy from us. I love the idea of a $10,000 vacation.

Because we've done vacations both ways, right? We've done the cheap Disney trip. We're cracking open the piggy bank literally my wife and i after we got married we had a classic pink what piggy no that you can't open unless you break it and yeah and it was it was it was our disneyland uh fund that was what what it was so one day we broke it we went to disneyland super cheap you know you stay off site you you go and you go minimally in that piggy bank yeah i was like 200 bucks um okay there's not a lot so one person can go to disneyland well this was like 15 years ago yes half of a gold pill so i'm almost i'm on my way towards pooping gold but not yet

but at the same time we've also done the the you know the trip where we're staying on on park you know what i mean we're at the grand california and we're at the where we can come in and out and where we're like when we're here let's go you know infinity churros welcome home jason as they say. Yes. Welcome home. Exactly. And so that to me, I would much rather splurge on the vacation than on the item. This is, when I saw the question, it wasn't even close to me because I just don't, I don't have a $10,000 item I want. You're vacation people though too. I mean, you really are.

You're vacation people. You want to get out. You want to get out of your house. Probably right this moment, you'd love to just run away from the microphone and get out i am so i am in the most desperate need of a vacation of all time our family needs to get out because we we are vacation people we don't you know care about things so much we love adventures we love fun times have you thought about uh the seinfeld method and just do the mustache and take a vacation from yourself? Oh, interesting.

I could shave and only have a mustache. That's what I mean. But I don't think I want that. I don't think they do. I think they've seen it before, and they were disappointed. And by they, I mean my wife. Full beard, no mustache. You can go Lincoln.

Oh, okay. Well, that's not happening either. I tried. Let me ask you this. Assuming no consequences, because just hold on. Sure. You've got 10 grand to go on a vacation. It's just Jason Moore.

Oh. You don't got to worry about where are you and your wife going to go on a lovely romantic vacation. Oh my gosh. Ultimate family vacation. No, this is Jason Moore's vacation for 10 grand. Where are you going? Wow.

That is a great question. That is a great, I didn't see where you were going. Honestly, it's going to be the other side of the planet. It's going to be- other side of the planet. It's going to be... You're just spinning a globe. As far away as possible. No, there's two things that come to mind immediately. One is like, I've always wanted to take a vacation to Israel.

You know, see the marks. I was born there. See that. But also, it's not the safest place always. You know, I would worry about bringing family. So that's perfect. That's not always. I would worry about bringing family. So that's perfect. That's not bad. I'm just going by myself.

Also, I would like to see parts of Europe and tour. I know I'm not a museum guy, but I still want to go to. Jason lost in Europe. I can't wait. I want to go to the Louvre. I want to see some of the Sistine Chapel. And I know my kids would hate it. So that's great.

This is like like let me go uh you know experience that by myself sorry sorry wife oh that's what I said Jason put him on the spot this is a no consequence Andy where would you go Andy do you have any idea man I've never once considered that thought in my entire life we We're not allowed to have these thoughts. It's amazing. Yeah, we're not allowed to have these thoughts. And if you handed me $10,000 and said, you can go anywhere you want for 10 days,

I don't know what I would do. Yeah. I think I'd go to Hawaii. I mean, that's what passed in my head. I'd probably just fly to Hawaii and I feel like I could see the islands and see the beaches and stuff and survive that and they speak English and I could make it through. It's easy, yeah.

You're right, it's easy. I think that's what I would do, but that's not a real thing that people get to do. I know. These are really disappointing questions here, Mike. Mike, what about you? Yeah, I want to hear this. How much do you have to pay the Russians to get up

into space? More than $10,000. It's got to be more than $10,000. I guess that's off the table. Go to outer space. If you go to outer space for $10,000, you're dead. That is... Oh yes, we can send you there.

You're paying $10,000 to have your body buried. Why does that look like a slingshot? No, no, rocket ship. I think... Wow. I think I would go... He'd take a nap.

Is there a hotel? A motel. What's a motel? How long can I's yeah a motel what's a motel how long can i get a motel for ten thousand dollars yeah i get three months by myself oh my god three months of naps for ten grand i think i would go somewhere there's a there's an island i follow in in Scandinavia where it's like northern lights, animals. Does it have its own Twitter? There's an island you follow in Scandinavia? Is it on Twitter? I didn't know you could follow islands. Well, it's not an, I don't know the name of the place, but it's somewhere up in Scandinavia

where it's just like- You don't follow it that well. Yeah. I could look it up if you really want to know, but it's optimal Aurora Borealis viewing. Oh, nice. I like that. That's one of those things that I have to see before I go. What would a solo cruise?

That'd be nice. Your own cabin? You just sleep and eat unlimited. That's my vacation. No one tells you to stop eating? Al brought this up. And I know he said it sounds cheesy and that he thinks he would have less fun on a vacation by himself. But I think that's 100% true. I would much rather have the family with me than without.

But there is the intriguing momentary freedom idea of like, oh get to pick what i want it's like when you know right before father's day weekend my wife was like we can watch whatever movie you want i want to watch whatever you want and i didn't have to even consider like oh would she like and that freedom is like really cool sometimes to be like paralyzing what did you pick what'd you pick i don't i don't remember i'm sure it was some stupid action movie you know like just something that had because you got to take advantage of your chance right there exactly funny all right uh aaron from patreon urgent question it's all capitalized in all caps yeah yeah and uh it says would you so urgent would you rather poop in the only toilet at a party knowing that it's bad and uh word will quickly spread that you what you've done to the toilet

or fill your pockets with tp and sneak outside and poop in the backyard bushes please hurry so he's at this party right now oh this isn't alive this is a live pooper all right aaron let me let me tell you this i have a story from oh you have a story that relates to this question i have a story it's i was oh my i was at a buddy a high school party, a safe one, by the way, everybody. But we were the younger people. So I was with some of my best friends at the time, but he had an older brother. So there is a lot of older kids there. And I think we're like freshmen. So we're freshmen.

There's tons of seniors at this party. And look, I had to poop. I had no two ways about it. And I went and I destroyed the bathroom. Even as a freshman, I could destroy a bathroom. I didn't have a choice, man. When you got to go, you got to go. So Aaron, I could destroy a bathroom. I didn't have a choice, man. When you got to go, you got to go. So, Aaron, I have lived this life.

I have been at the party. Yeah, but did you consider stuffing your pockets with tissues? No. I didn't know that was an option. Well, this is a broken toilet. This is, you know, the toilet is not a handle. Okay, I didn't do that. But I did make it so that the next few people went in were like,

what? Who did this? The outside is a complete gamble, right? Why did you say it's a broken toilet? Isn't that what the question is? No, no, no. It's a questionable toilet? It's a single toilet.

It's the only toilet. So someone's coming in right after you. Yeah. It says, would you rather poop in a toilet knowing that it's bad? I took that to mean like. Yeah, that the poop is bad, my friend. Wait, hold on. So the way you think of a bad toilet is you broke it?

I thought of it. I thought this question meant, would you like to like poop at the party? Do your toilets shatter after you get done with them? I'm saying like, you know, they don't flush well. They're not going to handle what you can give it. Look, clearly, regardless of whether it's broken or not, the point is you will be known as the pooper. You will be known as the great pooper of 2020.

I lived that life, and I came out to the other side, and I was okay. You'll be all right, man. You just got to lean into it. Can you do the poop and then climb out that window and leave the door shut? So then no one, I mean, at that point, no one's walking out. So it's locked and then you go to the door? No one else. I got the last poop.

Who locked the door? Yeah, you're knocking on it from the outside for sure. That's brilliant. I need to go. Yeah're knocking on it from the outside for sure. I need to go. Yeah. How inconsiderate. Someone destroyed this thing. If the bad in this question is not the toilet but your bowels and it's a bad one, then you cannot pick the outside because it's going to draw attention. This is 100%.

It's got to be inside. You can't double down on making a bad decision worse follow-up question how many times have each of you pooped outside that's a great question in your life that's a great question that is a great question you is like yeah i mean for me more than zero it's more than zero because i went camping as a kid okay and when i was a kid uh if you had to, you just had to dig a hole and go poop. So I know I've done it three or four times. What's amazing is I also camped as an adult. And once I started camping as an adult, I'm very regular.

I got a healthy BMs. I'm going at least once a day. But if I go camping, I will last however many days that is without without pooping i will just i can i can you've just decided that you're too big to poop outside that's 100 right like i your body knows when we go when i go on trips like i feel like the airplane shuts me down like i don't know i've never had to poop on a plane and not on a plane but i'm saying like when i go on vacations off it's very very often that like i'll be multiple days in and i'm look jason i'm a very regular man and i'll go multiple days and

it's like the ride on the airplane the cabin pressure i don't know it just it screws everything up the cabin pressure it tightens it tightens the intestines it up yeah okay well i was i think i've only done it one time it was a camping trip but i was a kid so i've never had a zero i think i'm yeah i don't think i've ever pooped outside don't give it a shot give it a go i'm not opposed to it i mean you got a big backyard if it's not a camping trip then it's a problem like that's the only time it's okay because if there's like man yeah that's true we're just too lazy to go inside all right but what's the what's the more philosophy on peeing outside oh that's fine I mean, that's totally fine.

Do you ever take the shortcut? Like you're in the pool and you're like, man, I just don't really want to go in the house and dry out. Every single time. Look, I do not. 100% of the time for my kids. Dad, what are you doing? I gotta pee.

And I'll go wipe out. Checking the pool equipment. Don't worry about it. Oh, no. There's no hiding or shame in the right household. No hiding? You're just right. Well, I go behind.

There's no hiding or shame, but there's a few extra weeds in the yard. I hope there's a little bit of hiding there. There's no hiding the fact that I am going to the bathroom. We need to move on so desperately. the fact that I am going to the bathroom. We need to move on so desperately. John from Patreon, when singing along with a song on the radio,

at concerts, happy birthday, national anthem, any song, would you rather sing completely off key or completely random lyrics? Okay. Okay, both embarrassing. I feel like one. Happy birthday could get awkward.

Theater John. It's Timothy's birthday. I think you've got to go random lyrics here. Because that would be. Happy horseshoes, old fart. I mean, see, now you're clever now you're funny uh you're not funny you you sound not on verse two yeah you sound like the joke's over bro um i don't know the words off key is is is the uh happy birthday to you

yeah it's not good you just sound like you're yodeling. You weren't off key. You're yodeling. The trick here is that you... Happy birthday to you. Most people are probably going to sing the wrong lyrics off key as well, aren't they? Most people, yes.

I mean, for the majority, you're just getting double trouble in that situation. That's a fair point. Yeah, that's part of it is like i don't know how well i know the lyrics of almost any song you know the like you know the parts you know they're like and then everybody's singing the words that we all know take me out to the ball so uh yeah for for those reasons i I feel like... Cracker Jacks. Right, exactly.

You know a couple keywords in the song. I'm going to say... To you. I already don't know the lyrics to most of these songs, so I'm going to sound good while I hum along and then sing incorrect words. All right, let's do some life advice. incorrect words. All right, let's do some life advice.

Spitballers to the rescue. All right, Ben from the website has a very important life advice question. I should say this before we get into this segment. We are professionals. We are qualified to provide the kind of advice that you can live the rest of your life on and this is ben i've i've just read it this is this is a sensitive question that must be answered i haven't read it yet so i'm preparing myself to be uh listening ear you'll you'll know it okay when you have to leave your seat to use the restroom or get a snack at a theater or sporting event,

what is the correct way to do the narrow shimmy down the row of already seated patrons? I knew where this question was going right this. Do I shimmy with my butt in their face or my crotchal region? Because you are out or in. You cannot shimmy front to back. You got to shimmy. You can't shoulder shimmy. I have my answer, but I'm curious where you guys stand.

Yeah. I mean, for me, I think it's a matter of necessity. I have very large feet. I have size 13 cloppers. And even though I'm well shorter than both of you two gentlemen, my shoes are larger. And if I turn face in, I'm going to be stepping all over these people when I'm going through this.

It just doesn't work. I'm just going to be literally walking on them down the entire. I mean, aren't your feet taking up the same amount of space no matter what direction you're facing? Not usually, because if it's a really narrow, if it's a really narrow, like a sporting stadium, my feet actually go off the like, you know, the cement where it ends or whatever the step is made out of. And this is simple into the chair behind him. This is simple for me. If I'm going to either be putting my booty or my crotchal region in your direction, I would rather not make eye contact with you in either situation. So if we have an awkward your face my butt situation i'd rather

be looking the other way so i'm going butt butt towards them just make an eye contact with every single person there's also let's let's not talk let's not discount the the safety issue here okay because if you're more dangerous to get you are on when you are on those really high, narrow stadiums where it's like, oh my goodness, they're just not made for today's size people, even though it's a brand new stadium. If you're going through the aisle and all of a sudden you lose your balance, right? It's easy to catch it by kind of squatting down. If you had to sit down to save yourself and sit into a stranger's lap that's fine but otherwise you're gonna tell you it's forgivable it's forgivable you go oh i'm so sorry i literally was gonna fall down or you're falling

down you're falling over someone in a row ahead of you just like could you imagine you're just sitting there some dude falls over you spilling his popcorn and hot dog and mustard all over you yeah i feel like there's a follow-up question here that i'm curious about because when i buy tickets to sporting events a lot of the times i shoot for the like aisle seat i'm a tall guy i want the aisle seat so i can kind of get in and out and so I can put my legs out there. But if you're in the aisle, you get to absorb 100% of the people coming in and out of the row as opposed to being in the middle. I was going to say, already seated, if these people are not standing up to allow you to get out, shame on you. Look, you chose the outer part of the row or you that's the hand you were dealt and guess what society says you get to stand up that's that's what i'll say first of all

but i'm with annie 100 these people are getting a butt right in the face yeah yeah all right and to the follow-up question the the aisle seat is worth getting up every time someone comes in or out sure oh i agree that's the price you must pay i would much rather like when i look for seats on a if we're talking about a stadium then i would always prefer a little higher up which is worse if i can be at the aisle you know if i'm like four four rows higher all right I'm on the aisle versus the middle of a row, four aisles down. Because I'm also a little bit wider in the hips. Size 13 hips. Size 13 hips.

Yeah, not having someone on one side of me, I'd pay a lot for that. All right, Jeremy from the website has another life advice question. I'm glad we could solve that one for Ben unanimously. You welcome it's the butt it's the butt all right jeremy says i ordered a package online a few weeks ago and i got the email that it was delivered to my apartment complex office the office told me that they never got it so i reached out and they sent the item again for free. Now the office found the package. What do I do with the second one? Oh, this is a conundrum. I see what Jeremy's asking here from the website because you could return said item.

Is it bad to begin the conversation with how much does the item cost? Right? Yes. But I actually mean it in the good sense where it's like, if you sent me a $10 item, I'm probably not going to,

even though I should return it to you, like this is a lot of work for me to return a $10 item and nobody's getting hurt more than 1010 right I don't know I get it I get it but I feel like that's moral relativism right sort of but I mean they would probably I mean they probably don't even want it back

opening that package is too much work I mean they're just gonna throw it in the garbage but if it's an Xbox you know a $500 item or something I'd be like man I kind of stole a $500 item. But here's the thing. This company sent a second one for free. That's awesome.

That's what that company should have done. And they took it on the chin at no fault of their own. You got to support companies like that. You got to send this thing back and not for a refund, but say, oh, we found it. Here you go. At least ask them. At least ask them. Be like, oh, we found it. Here you go. At least ask them. At least ask them. Be like, hey, we found the second item.

Do you want me to ship this back? Because they might go, oh, it's already out of our inventory system. We've, you know. Now, we've got a friend named Josh, though, that is real good at selling items on Craigslist for us. Yes, he is. And let me tell you, it is awesome. We had, in fact, this just happened, right?

Mike, you shared this link of one of those. This is very upsetting because I was the one who found this deal and I let my friends know about it because I was like, hey, did you buy this too, I was like, hey, guys. Did you buy this too, Mike? No, I did not. All right. So explain the whole situation because people out there are like, what are you talking about? So there has been a very, very longstanding joke.

I don't even remember the origin of the joke. But Owl Borland, we will very often in our company channels will say, Hey, we're going to do an Amazon order, get some snacks, get, you know, things for around the office, whatever people need. Does anybody need anything for your job?

And owl Borland hilariously will link the same massage chair over and over to this question. And this is like a, I think like $14,000. It's like a two and a half grand massage, like way more than anyone should ever pay for a massage chair. And to his credit, he posts it very quickly.

Yes, it's amazing. He's got that thing on lockdown. And it's definitely one of those jokes where it's like, it's... Oh, man, hilarious, funny, funny sort of funny trending to not funny and then it just goes all the way around the clock and and then he just he keeps it up and you're like you did it you get all the way back to it's hilarious again those are those are great jokes so i i commend his commitment to this joke but i a deal came through and i was like holy crap

al borland this massage chair is on sale for like 70 off it was that's how this thing is set up it was a three thousand dollar massage chair being sold for 75 off and it was like oh my goodness that's i mean that's such a crazy how do you pass that deal up and so immediately when you posted it i think mostly as a joke al borland posts in like 90 seconds later a screenshot of his purchase he got the thing and so then i'm like wait a minute do i need to get in on this so i got one i purchased one i'm like i'm in and then you got bullied well because it was kind of because he's like deals like this they just they expire they expire so quickly they run out of stock and to his credit 10 minutes later it was out of stock you couldn't get it so Jeremy and I

got in we were lucky we didn't read any reviews on this thing we hadn't seen anything and then uh Al Borland messages me like the next day. He's like, for what it's worth, I canceled my order. He's like, you know, I looked it up. I decided not to get it. So I talked to my wife. I'm like, man, maybe we shouldn't, you know, it's and then I went to cancel my order and I literally couldn't.

It was past the deadline to cancel it. So lo and behold, this giant massage chair shows up that you know i got it a crazy discount and we weren't sure we wanted it and so this this aforementioned uh josh who will sell anything he's a master at selling stuff i heard the story of him selling this thing for you too and i'll tell you what he earned every penny he oh yeah i did nothing i did nothing he came he loaded it up he drove it to like super far away into sketchy areas it was he did but he sold it for a dollar josh he sold it for 1400 bucks so i made a ton of money up it's just a great deal you got 200 of your money so for nothing

yeah circling back circling back and and he did a great job and that was, he made a lot of money on that too. Al, are you happy you canceled your chair purchase? I don't really want to talk about that. No, no, Al's not happy.

You know, I'm just saying that the office doesn't have it. The one who was like, Hey guys, check out this deal. You should have got in on it, Mike. So Jason's sending it back.

Mike, what are you doing? I'm with, I'm with Jason. I know. It's my old fault. So Jason's sending it back. Mike, what are you doing? I'm with Jason. I want to support a good company. So I'm going to send it back. But I'm also with Andy that if they sent me a $10 item, with the postage and everything that is involved with this situation, they're going to lose money.

So it's my duty to that business to just have two of those items that's right it's your duty all right you guys want to do one more we got time for one more life advice there al before we get into the draft yeah we got time for one more all right do you have a preference here both anna and carson have important questions why don't we go in you're out there listening oh get bodied carson we'll probably do a future show. Carson's not out of the running. Anna says, every time I prepare any sort of meal for my husband, he smothers it

with some sort of hot sauce or condiment. I tell him it's slightly insulting because I do think that I spice the food nicely and him doing that just ruins all of my work. At the end of the day, he is just tasting hot sauce

with a side of whatever dish i made am i be being too extreme in thinking this oh anna i've been down this road this this is a fantastic question uh there are there are just so many different paths that my brain is jumping around. And I'll go to my number one, and that is pizza with ranch, which I am a huge proponent. There are very, very few pizzas that I prefer without ranch. I think it enhances and it makes the pizza better. And there are people that say, well, you're only tasting the ranch. And I said, that's not completely true.

Yeah, it's not true. It's making the experience better. It's making it better for me. And you can't cook the ranch on it. You can't put ranch onto the pizza and then cook it that way. Do you want to know what it is, though? The problem is with this situation is that it takes a lot of time, nuance, effort to spice a dish a certain way. Oh, I get it.

And then it takes no effort to dump hot sauce onto it. So it's kind of the proportional, you're not even going to give it a go with the way I meant it to be. But here's the thing, Anna. If I take a bad slice of pizza and I put it in ranch, and I take a good slice of pizza and I put it in ranch, that good slice of pizza is just way better. It's way, way better.

I recognize the differences i appreciate the yeah but the difference between both of those with ranch is probably less than both of them without ranch look we took we brought this up last episode right i am uh fancy pants apparently when it comes to food that is your name oh apparently i'm a fancy pants like you don't know mr filet mignon yes mr barbecue so here's the thing mr mignon so listen there's nothing worse in the world than taking a filet mignon and putting some a1 on it you know what i mean like yeah i say the ordering ketchup at a steak house i'm

i'm told will get you thrown out well that's just disgusting but here's this i mean that's just i would that's what anna's anna's basically facing that with the hot sauce so here's here's my um i need to come clean on this because i love A1. I just do. It's delicious. It's pretty good. I mean, it's made as a steak sauce. It's made as a sauce for steak. Really, really good.

And if I go somewhere fancy to get a nice steak, I'm never going to ask for it. But I want it. And I know it would make it a little better. Do you bring it in a little baggie in your pocket? And it's not saying that I don't love a really good, naturally flavored steak. I love that. I want that to be dipped in my really good naturally flavored steak i love that i want that to be dipped in my a1 what is wrong with that i yeah i'm with i'm with jason i don't know

what's wrong now see my wife has the opposite issue as anna my wife is what i would term a spice bully she will uh i don't know if like she's biologically programmed to, like the amount of spice a normal person would want, like she needs twice the amount of that in order to taste it. Twice the spice. You're just talking flavor, food, spices, herbs. Whatever normal proportions would be, she always feels like 2 to 3x. So I try to tell her, hey, look, if you put a normal amount of spice on, I can add extra afterwards to accent.

Why would you want to do that? Why wouldn't you just cook it beautifully the first time instead of adding salt? If you got to add salt, it wasn't, it wasn't seasoned enough. Because she, like I said, she's a spice bully and she puts so much all together that I think she has a

different, like you can't take it off is what I'm saying. has a different... Like, you can't take it off, is what I'm saying. You can put it on. You can't take it off. I do understand that. It's like the old sweater, like, keep it hot or cold in here. You can put on a sweater. I can't take off all my clothes.

I get it. I'm searching for help. I'm reaching out. This is your cry for help? I'm crying for help is what I'm reaching out. This is your cry for help? I'm crying for help. I would just say you got to up your taste buds because the more seasoning, the better. That's great.

I'm all about that triple the seasoning. I have rosemary with a side of chicken. That's what I have. I love you, honey. I would say for the question, Love you, honey. I would say for the question, like, perhaps, I mean, perhaps he just really likes hot sauce. It's a lazy answer to the question.

It might not be anything personal. It might just be he really likes to eat hot sauce, which honestly, then you can say, awesome. I can take some steps out of the cooking, and I don't have to worry about all this extra time marinating, spicing things up, because he's just going to dump a bunch of hot sauce on it. See, I still think she needs to do that. I mean, not needs to, like a requirement. Oh, is it the bad versus the good steak argument? I think the food you are making, Anna, is appreciated. I hope it is. I know I would appreciate it because I appreciate good food. But I'm still going to put some sauce on it.

It's just an extra exclamation point on the delicious meal. Exactly. Okay. Let's draft. The Spitballers draft. All right. We've never tried something like this, but this is a perfectly themed draft for this show. We are drafting the best dad jokes.

So at the end of this draft, we will have an ensemble of four different dad jokes. Now, I don't know whether it's possible for us to land on the same one or steal them from each other it certainly is that i think i think there'll be at least one that we've seen that we both enjoy and then there's going to be some that we've heard before there maybe they're classics but i'm i'm all about some of these fresh ones that i've never seen before i'm excited and it stinks because i've got a third pick it's a weird well i i guess it's an honor to have the first pick but defining a great dad joke to me means that you are simultaneously laughing cringing and apologizing for the person that made the joke. Okay.

That's kind of how I'm making it in my mind. And the older the father gets, the worse they get. So what makes a great joke to you is basically the worst that the joke is? Yeah, I mean, it's a little bit of everything. It's cringy. It's certainly identifiable as not a regular joke this is not a joke a normal person would say this is a joke a dad would say to get a little zinger in on the kids yeah because look the and it's almost like the the cleaner the joke the better that's true yeah for dad jokes

that's true and uh and you should be wincing a little bit at the end of it so it's so not offensive yeah that it is in fact offensive yeah the the jokes are the joke equivalent of blue jeans i mean they are just wranglers they're wranglers The Wrangler of Jokes. These are you-cut jokes. So here's where I'm going to kick it off, because I believe this is one of the be-all, end-all, maybe greatest dad jokes that exists. It fits all of those categories. And so... And look, for this draft, you've got to give a good performance, too.

Okay. Oh, yes, very much. You better not just be spitting it out. You've got to deliver this joke. Thank you, Mike. that's a good point uh and this this is the dad joke i'm leading with uh i will i will be the recipient of the joke uh i will i i need you to i'm gonna go ahead and send you a little slack message i actually need you to set me up i need you to set me up mike what is i need you to set me up to set you up yeah because you said you want to be a participant you need to set me up i need you to set me up mike what is i need you to set me up to set you up yeah because you said you want to be a participant you need to set me up go ahead mike will you set

me up for the dad yes i'm i'm happy to fall okay all right thank you everyone ready we're andy's andy's first joke hey hey dad did you get a haircut uh uh no son i I got them all cut. Oh, my goodness. Oh, gotcha. You got the cringy. Oh, I gotcha, boy. You got the cringy for sure. See, here's my problem with that. I got them all cut.

That's not a dad joke. Oh, yes, it is. That's not a dad joke. No, that's a granddad joke. That's a granddad. Oh, no. I remember my dad's dad making that joke. That is, I mean, when I hear- So what you're saying is when a dad continues to mature, he even reaches this pinnacle.

I heard you. Yes, called granddad. That's right. I mean, that's one of those jokes. You know, when I hear those, oh man, when someone actually says that, because I've heard, we've all heard that. We've all heard that one in real life. Oh yeah. Sure. Dads are opportun that one in real life. Oh, yeah.

Sure. Dads are opportunistic, by the way. That's why this joke works for me. He is looking for the chance to be awkward and to be funny in his own mind. Of the classic of, did you get a haircut or did you get your ears lowered? I mean, that's a classic. I don't like you opening with that one because I have a joke that is somewhat similar in my arsenal that

I really hoped I was going to use. So I may have to throw that one out. We'll see. We'll have to see. So I'll jump in here with my first joke. Jason. Yes. Are you there? That's a

good one. First he didn't respond to me. It weird all right hey jay why do you never see elephants hiding in trees oh i know the answer but why because they're so good at it yeah yeah i i had i had that on my list but i'll be honest that made me laugh when i read it but i'll be honest it was last on my list because i was going to say that one after the draft it here's what it lacks for me it lacks a pun second it it lacks up no no no now it's it's landing this was a this was a time this was a sleeper for Andy. He's getting it now. I did get it.

It is a bit of a sleeper, and I've never heard it, and I actually find it pretty funny. Oh, it is funny. I do think it's funny. That's a funny joke. I feel like dad jokes. That's a funny joke. Dad jokes for me always have some kind of a pun. That's too much thought, though.

A little too much thought. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. So I've got two here, right? So you're back to dad jokes. You're each going to get one. Okay. All right. So I've got two here, right? You do. You're back to back.

You're each going to get one. Okay. All right. Although one of them doesn't really need another participant. So Andy, you're up here. Okay. What do you call a hippie's wife? What do you call a hippie's wife, Jason? Mrs. Hippie.

Yeah. That's right that's right m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i yeah that's a good joke that's a good dad joke i like it that's got the point i get the pun i need all right this one uh i don't really need a response, but I'm going to tell it to Mike. I mean, we'll see. Mike, did you know that the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, yes. A good country joke. I got a state joke, and I got a country joke. Yes. Terrible. Terrible. The king of geographical jokes right now. Oh, my gosh.

That's right. I'm owning the market on geographical dad jokes. All right. All right. That's pretty good. That's really good. All right. Andy. Andy.

Yes. Why do ducks have tail feathers? I don't know why. To cover their butt quacks. Oh, yes. Oh, that's a good one. That's the equivalent of an R-rated dad joke. Yes. That's an R-rated dad joke. equivalent of an R-rated dad joke. Yes.

That's an R-rated dad joke. That is an R-rated dad joke. Oh, man. Yes. Yes. That's a good joke. That is a good joke. I haven't heard that one before. That one makes me happy.

Wow. Yeah, that is a home run right there. That's a personal favorite now. That's on my happy. Wow. Yeah, that is a home run right there. That's a personal favorite now. That's on my go-to as I age. All right. Let's go with... Oh, my goodness. Mike, what did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? I don't know. I'm 80.D. Yes. Oh, and you get an A for the performance because without the performance, that doesn't work. Oh, it's so bad. Mike is enjoying it, though. I love dad jokes.

I love a good pirate joke, man. Oh, man. Yeah. I'm A. man. Oh, man. Hi, matey. Oh, that's good. And now you're back on. Oh, I am back on the clock. Yeah.

All right. And I'm going to, I think I'm going to return to where my first pick was. You probably heard it. It's a classic, and it's terrible, but what do you call a fake noodle, guys? What do you call a fake noodle? What do you call a fake noodle? You don't know this one,

Mike? I know this one. What do you call a fake noodle, Andy? An impasta. Oh, all right. It's a classic. It's a classic. Yes, it is a classic. it's letting me down after i heard butt quacks though yeah i mean butt quacks set a new mark for me now i wish i had picked ones that were just funny or not classically dad like right yeah not just fringy they're not all going to be butt quacks. Let's be honest. Okay. Okay.

Let's go. You know, this is going to be the, you know how after every draft, we end up saying a couple of people who were on our list. This is going to be the best one ever because we just get to keep going. It's basically. I'm enjoying it. Oh, I'm having a blast over here. It's basically... I'm enjoying it. Oh, I'm having a blast over here.

Mike, you have to somehow match your last joke. I cannot. I came out with the fire because I didn't want to lose out on it, but I can go with this one. You were worried about a butt quack steal. If I had come across that one in my preparation, there's no way it would not have been drafted. That's a great one.

Jason. Yes, Mike. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? No, I didn't. They say he made a mint. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. You got the cringe, but the cringe is because it's not funny.

I think you only got the cringe. That one was rough. Because it's not a mint. It's funny if Lifesavers are minty flavored. Hold on. Hold on. Now we have to argue over if a Lifesaver is a mint? I don't think there's an argument because it's I think the traditional thought is that it would be.

I was picturing colorful lifesavers. Yes, colorful lifesavers. They're fruit flavored. That's wild, man. You could have gone with Altoids, as Al Borland said. 100%, but. It's not. I mean, it's a dad joke.

Don't get me wrong. I am just now i am learning something that you guys think that a life when you think of lifesavers you think of the fruit ones i am just now remembering the mint version of a lifesaver like i remember that yeah that doesn't exist in winter green yeah we have some in our house no when i think of lifesavers it's a hundred percent just fruit-flavored candy. Tough crowd. Tough crowd.

Tough crowd. All right. Hey, these are dad jokes. All right. Am I up? Am I up? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you get back-to-back here.

All right. I'm going to go with a little milk joke here. All right. Love a good milk joke. You got state jokes, you've got country jokes, and then you go to milk. Andy, did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? Is it? It's pasteurized before you even see it.

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I ran some of these by my daughter before the show. She was a real big pasteurization joke fan. She did not get that one. No, but you went with it anyway. I went with it anyways.

No, I'm a man of my own mind. Oh, yes, you are a man of your own mind. But it is pasteurized before you even see it. I mean, it's a dad joke. That's a dad joke. All right. Man, which way do I go here for the last one? There's so many good ones.

All right. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Why did the scarecrow win an award? I don't know. Because he was outstanding in his field. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was much better.

It works on a couple levels. I liked it. I liked it. That's a good one. All right. There's no pasteurization joke. I should have gone with the astronaut like my daughter wanted me to. Look, that's tough.

It's tough in the streets. All right. Mike's final pick. Man, I'm torn between one that I think is hilarious, but I think I got to get a classic on here. As you say, is it more of an indie dad joke for Mike? Yeah, it is. It is.

All right, so I'm going to go with this one. Andy, why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Oh, no. Why? In case you got a hole in one. Ew. All right. I'm tempted to go five.

I feel like we should go five rounds. Oh, let's go. Let's do it. You guys want to do five? feel like we should go five rounds that's all let's go let's do it you guys want to do five i mean i'm sure we have enough because then i can bust out the joke i was too scared to use so i've got my final two right here which means uh i feel like i need to match the rated r dad joke oh okay all right i've got one on my list here so uh mike um you know you had you have had some very good jokes. Let me ask you this question. Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?

I did not. He had a reptile dysfunction. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Okay. Yeah, all right, okay. And quickly into my last joke.

Jason, what do you call cheese that ain't yours? Nacho cheese! Nacho cheese! That is a joke that I will go out of my way to figure out how can I use this joke. That's right. That's a sign of a good dad joke. You got to set it up in your own house. Oh, I love the nacho cheese.

It's so multi-purposed. I mean, that joke can come out all the time. That's true. That's true. All right. You got a final one. All right. We're closing it down with this one.

Jason. Jason. Yes. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? What? A carrot. Oh, man. That one's good. That one's not good.

It's so bad that it's good. Oh, it's so bad is right. Wow. I'm glad we went five rounds because I couldn't have lived without hearing that joke. Oh, and Jason's got to make a decision here. Oh, man. All right. All right.

Where do I go? Do I go astronaut? Do I go octopus? Do I go holy water? How do you not go astronaut after you were upset you didn't go astronaut? It's a pretty strong point by my- Look, I think it's the, you know, you guys both have more of a cutting edge, hard edge joke.

So I'm going like, do I need to get my hard edge dad joke in here? And so you know what? I'm doing it. How do you make holy water? How do you make holy water? I don't know't know oh you boil the hell out of it oh that one made me cry when i saw it i like that joke i've heard that one before that is that's the quote that's like a pastor joke that is that is that's a special joke right there well there you go spit wads you got 15 different ridiculous reasons to laugh today on the show good so here's my version of uh the joke that i love this would have been

in my top three you would not have had to hear about uh a carrot yeah andy not told his joke but so i'll give it to you andy how many apples grow on a tree i know the answer mike but how many the answer is all of yeah that's right oh yeah that was gonna be my bonus joke so i feel like the uh the astronaut joke has to be said yes we got to hear. What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? Oh, I know the answer. It's the space bar. Oh, gosh. My daughter was guessing.

She was like, the moonator? Oh, the moonator. Which was a pretty good answer. That's a really good guess. That's not bad. Oh, gosh. What did we learn today? What did we learn today?

Al, did you learn anything from us today? Maybe during the life advice? No, not worth noting. Not much? Okay. We'll keep checking in with you on future episodes. See if we can get there. See if we can get there.

I learned that I like funny dad jokes better than cringy dad jokes. That's what I learned today. I learned that the idea of vacationing by yourself is some, like, unallowed treat. Okay. I learned, as we all learned today, we have an official stance in the stadium. You go butt first.

Butt to the face. Butt to the face. The old butt face. Yeah. And if possible, cover go butt first. Butt to the face. Butt to the face. The old butt face. Yeah. And if possible, cover your butt quack. All right? That is it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Thank you for tuning in, supporting the show, and listening.

And we'll catch you next time. We will. Have a good one, everyone. Stay safe. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com hey the show's over just wanted to say thank you. No! Thank you for listening.

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