Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 111: Jason Makes a Mistake & Skills We Wish We Had

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

Why is Jason so uncomfortable on today’s episode? Listen in and find out! In our ‘Is This Real Life’ segment, we talk about sharknapping, a crappy airline seat assignment, and an exploding duck. Then we jump into some everyone’s favorite segment, ‘Liar, Liar!’ We cap off this hilarious show with a draft of things we wish we could do. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, before we start today's show, which from my understanding is... Any minute now. It is also the best show we've ever done. The best show we've ever done. We hear all the time... Oh, that was the best. That was the best show. How was every show the best show?

And we're like, well, hey, check this out. Here's how. Because of the Spitwad community. That's how. The Spitwads, you guys listening, supporting our show. You help us out. Go to spitballerspod.com and support the show you can click become a spit wad you get early access to all the shows you get the spit tank where we're going to answer

your questions the way tons of antioxidants oh yes rejuvenating for all skin tons of medications go look if you have any kind of medical problem at all please visit spitballerspod.com become a spitwad there you won't regret it and we appreciate your support now on with the show what happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-baby-dee-bop, a-baby-dee-bop, a-lock-a-boom-boom. All right. I liked everything about it.

I liked the little hesitation move Little crossover dribble That's right around the back Oh yeah I went around the back Up and under Nothing but net baby The best part of that scat is You did what it's supposed to do I'm all hyped now

I was like okay we're doing a show Now it's like Let's go. And it wasn't too complicated. It just was. It just was perfect. He had to make up for the last one. When the music is playing and there's pointing going on in the videos of like, wait.

Who's got the scat? Who's got it? And then Al Borland's like, Mike, you have the scat. I go, oh, like a boom-boom. Gotcha. There you go. Knock knocked it out of the park yep that's fine everyone needs a good bedingy welcome into well said welcome into the spitballers podcast episode 111 al borland in the house what's

up spit in the dials yeah there he, there he is. There he is. Mike, Jason, I'm Andy, and we have a great show today. I think we have a very interesting draft. You'll learn a little bit more about us, I think, during this draft. And we're going to do some Liar Liar on the show today, some Is This Real Life? Appreciate everybody supporting the show over at spitballerspod.com click the become a spitwad button submit your questions get some extra perks early release episodes things of that nature you can check it out at spitballerspod.com

i guess we should just get going. Get into it? Yeah. Is this real life? All right. We're going to do, is this real life? Each of us has a news story that we're going to reveal to the other two. They have not heard about it. And these are some shocking illustrations of what's going on in our world. Now, do we have a volunteer to go first?

Because I'm looking forward to learning about what's happening. Mike is ready. I'm happy to go first. Mine's short. It's right to the point. Okay. But what's the deal with airlines? Come on. We all hate flying.

We all hate getting on airplanes. Most airlines are the worst. Yeah, the seats are small and it's crowded and you wait forever. Speaking of seats, you know what's terrible is when, like, you get a really bad seat. Yeah, you know, when you're walking down the aisle. Been there. And you see the row number you've been assigned and you're like, I'm not even halfway down there. No, that letter doesn't exist.

Not even close. Well, that also happened to a woman who was flying on Lion Air, which this was reported from the New Zealand Herald. So the Lion Air is a budget airline out of Indonesia. So she's going down there to her seat, and she had a ticket for row 35. Okay. She got to row 34, and then row 35 was, in fact, the laboratory. So her seat was... Her assigned seat was the bathroom?

Her assigned seat was the pooper. Now let's examine this for a minute because... Is that really bad? I'm wondering if you get to be in there before anything happens. You put the seat down, you got a private suite. You got suite. That's suite 35. That's not row 35.

That's suite 35. I feel row 35 that's sweet 35 like you should have to pay more i feel like you should have because i'm not letting anybody else it's not like oh knock on the door it's my turn no this is my seat so i'm staying here and obviously if you need to go to the bathroom you've got that built in now i imagine she was not as happy. So the passenger, which I apologize, I read it wrong. It was a man. But we've all been this person before. But so he complained to the staff, and he wrote later on Facebook that the flight attendants were very rude. They lacked manners.

Clearly, this is an FAA violation. Like, you can't fly with someone in the bathroom as it turns out the original flight was supposed to be a plane with 39 rows okay so they found a seat for him at the front but i just imagine being that person in that moment at row 34 going hold on because no one laboratory have my name on it you don't want to be in the back row because those seats don't go backwards like that's that's true we all know that if when you see you're in the back row you go oh crap but this was a bigger oh crap let me ask you guys a question just to follow up on this this is kind of thoughts that go through your head while flying

in a plane do you have you ever been on a plane and you know everybody has the like fears of a plane crash even though it's like the odds are so low compared to all these other catastrophes do you ever think about like am i in the best row or area of the plane to where like i got a fighting chance in a crash where it's like you go nose down into the water and maybe like the front half breaks off, but you're sitting in the back. You're like, I could definitely lost on ABC this thing. I don't have that. I'm not a man full of anxiety. I don't get on and worry and look around and start scoping out the plane and the passengers. I just chill.

I get on. Now, here's the truth. It's a double win when you get that exit row, though. Right? Oh, of course. It's got to be the safest place because you know when that emergency happens, I'm popping that door and I am flying out that plane. Oh, yeah.

The old, here's the oath you have to take in the exit row. Sure, I will. In the unlikely event of an emergency evacuation, are you willing to help people? Yes. Do you want to know how I'm going to help? Totally. I'm going to help by getting the door open quick and showing them how to eject yourself.

Lead by example. I will lead by example. You know what? The answer they should require you to say when they ask, are you comfortable with your responsibilities? The answer should be maybe. Because I honestly, if I'm in a plane crash, even if I thought I will 100% do that,

I honestly have no idea how I will react if I am at the part. I've been in a plane crash. Things are on fire. You're in complete shock. My answer is maybe I'll help. It is a wild word. Because if you say maybe you're done that you're out kick you out i'm saying they should let that go as long as you don't say no as long

as you say maybe or yes it is such a such an interesting like social contract do you want the extra leg room then you're the helper in the events of emergency that is the cost that is so weird but my i mean while we're on the topic of planes and jason is is notoriously and annoyingly not an anxious person i am an anxious person i have battled anxiety my entire life and planes have been a trigger of mine rattled anxiety my entire life, and planes have been a trigger of mine. And so I've told you guys this story. I don't know if I've shared it on the thousand podcasts we've ever done,

but we had one of our trips, our business trips planned for the fantasy footballers for our football podcast where we were going out of town, and Sully came on the HBO. Sully is the story. It's Tom freaking Hanks, man. So you couldn't resist that? Tom Hanks is

a national treasure and I must pay my respects and enjoy the films that this man has created for me to watch. I had never seen it of course i know the story of sullivan he lands the plane in the hudson no one dies it was it's like this incredible story but their plane crash sequence is so visceral and so real it was one top top three worst decisions i've ever made in my life was watching solely the night before i had to get on a plane that reminds me of watching outbreak

when i had a 104 degree fever with the flu and i was like it's not smart to do but uh that's funny all right i i will give you my story next. By the way, I'm just going to come out with this because it's the best case scenario. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know what's coming. I do. Listen, we waited for Jason to get on the Zoom, and we waited a little while because his internet was messed up.

Had to restart routers and computers. How long have we been doing this so far? Al, can you give me a timestamp so far? Nine minutes and 29 seconds. Nine minutes. Now, what do you tell your kids before you go on a road trip you go to the bathroom restroom go to the bathroom so i've got we got a slack message we're nine minutes into the show and he's got to pee so bad so bad this is going to be an update throughout this episode no no no but we need to set set up the show andy what what were we doing uh when we were supposed to be recording yeah we were waiting on jason

yeah but for how long yeah plenty of time to pee multiple times maybe 50 times the point was that i was at the laboratory that brought this to mind? I was, oh, it didn't help that your first article here, Mike, is about a bathroom. I'm like, man, that sounds great. I could use that right this second. No, the whole time we're restarting the software. We'll keep going. You just go. Go take a pee.

I don't want to make the show that bad. And if I happen to wet my pants on the podcast, this is just great audio. Either you're absent from it, which we won't edit. I mean, we one-shot this thing. I mean, that is integrity. That's true. We'll just keep checking in as the episode goes along. Maybe I'll lose the urge.

But right now. No, and I need you to tell me, what were you doing, Jason? I was monitoring. I felt like you guys were monitoring waiting for me and i got the little bar on my computer like oh it's updating and then it's i'm like whoa is this gonna take a long time or not and then it jumps quick so i'm just sitting here waiting to get in because you're all waiting on me drinking gallons of water so you were sitting and waiting that also known as doing nothing.

Monitoring. You could call that doing nothing. Monitoring. I was being a professional monitor. He wasn't monitoring his belt. I'll tell you what. Systems check. The camera's only waist high here and we're in our own homes.

Maybe I'll just go mid-show and you won't even know until I tell you I am fine. We will lose our clean rating at least we have the youtube video in case someone wants to analyze right when the p happens on today's show minute 23 and 45 seconds i believe jason's relax there was relieving himself there was a point when you were updating where you told us it was 40 minutes so you had like a 40 minute window you thought at that time that's true i should have paid then but i didn't think about it and now here we are live recording all right here's my is this real life story i want to share with you guys because it entertained me very much thieves snatch shark from san antonio aquarium wheel it out in a baby carriage so shark nappers which is

a term i'd never heard uh they brought their own net and their own stroller they snagged a shark from a tide pool put it in the baby carriage and escaped in a red pickup truck with the shark. In fact, go ahead. Go ahead. I'm just curious. These people came in with a baby carriage. Right, right. Well, you can veil that real nice.

I mean, yeah, I guess. Nobody's checking for babies in those things. You put a cover over a baby sleeping. I would imagine they also brought a bonnet to put on the shark for the for the way out so that nothing to see here regular baby oh my gosh chomp chomp chomp oh hungry little fella my question and andy i assume you've read the article my question is what's the water situation is this an aquatic stroller is this or is it just flop Is this an aquatic stroller? Is this or is it just flopping around? An aquatic stroller.

Did they build some tank into the stroller where they could put the shark? I don't know how long sharks can go. I think they can go a little bit. I mean, because like sharks. Not this long. Here's what we know. And this is good news for all the spitwads out there. Look, one suspect is in custody and quote, the shark is alive and well and on its way back to the aquarium that's not possible now uh

unfortunately the police chief said officers initially refused to believe the 911 call that came in and that the shark napping was real so uh there you go the you know you gotta look if you oh my gosh there's video no no oh yeah oh my god of the stroller um i didn't imagine they get do they do they get out they they got away or they got stopped right there like sir you can't take this shark out and they got it in the uh they got it in the truck i mean yeah they actually got it home and the uh they said they they found the shark in a makeshift aquarium at their house whatever that means oh yeah they have the video of them actually putting it in the baby carriage look people people this this is this is it this is the thing you gotta do this is it we're here we gotta get a shark

from an aquarium wow okay it's just one of those things too if you go to jail for shark napping i mean what do we gain you gained a pet what's the precedent on this like there's no former cases this sets the precedent that's what it's no former cases. This sets the precedent. That's what it is. Shark napping. What is the... The judge is so pumped. Was this shark napping without a water stroller?

The second degree shark napping? Second degree shark napping. All right. So that's my story. All right. Speaking of animals, here's... Multiple degrees of shark napping. Yeah. You either did it or you didn't.

What was your intent? With an intent to... Sir, I didn't know I was going to steal that shark. Yes. All right. Unintentional. Heat of passion. Here is my headline.

My headline is... It was, sir, have you seen that shark? That is a good looking shark. I had to get it home. It had to be mine. All right, Jason, go ahead. My headline reads, Man live on air peace pants

on Spitballers Park. No. All right, here's my headline. It's also animal related. Oh, man. Duck. All right, you got to listen to the headline here because you got to follow along all right duck eats yeast quacks explodes man loses eye

so again duck eats yeast quacksacks, explodes, man loses eye. That is the headline. No. And this is a true story. This is a, this is, it really happened in Des Moines, Iowa. Duck eats yeast, quacks, explodes. Quacks, explodes, man loses eye. It gets better than that. You think, oh, okay, let's see. You know, this is, this, man loses eye. It gets better than that.

You think, oh, okay, this is a little weird. This duck just took a prize at the recent Iowa Poultry Show, according to the articles. This is no ordinary duck. This is an award-winning duck. This is an award-winning duck. Oh, no. And unfortunately, on the patio was a pan of yeast, and they could see from the markings in that that the duck ate this yeast. And then when the... Upon...

Let me read this. From the markings. Upon returning from church, Mr. Perkins discovered his prized duck was somewhat in a lodgy condition with telltale marks around the pan of yeast yeah look this is an old article uh lodgy hold up i'm no i love this i love lodgy condition i'll look up lodgy mike don't worry about that um so then uh he was about to pick up the bird when the bird quacked and exploded with a loud sound of Mr. Perkins

as explosions tend to happen yes yeah I mean I've never seen a quiet explosion but yeah apparently the duck burst into hundreds of pieces according to this article and a piece flew into the man's eye and blinded

him so this is the story is this real life um i mean it's it's funny if it wasn't so sad that he's blind now look not every shakespeare is a comedy sometimes it's a tragedy and this is clearly a tragic event uh but yes apparently the moral of the story is ducks you don't feed ducks yeast yeah okay step one i'm like i'm not a man of of baking why would a baker is another word for it a man of baking. I'm not a baker. That's fine. Got it. I'm not a man of baking. Clearly not a man of baking. What do they call people that bake?

A man of baking, of course, unless it's a woman, and it's a woman of baking. I am not a person of baking. What on your patio? Why is there just a pan of yeast at duck level what is it doing there that's also what they call it investigator yeah anything on the ground is duck level that's what they that is true by the way lodgy dull and heavy in motion or thought sluggish. The beer made them lodgy and disinclined to move. So this duck was lodgy and slow and something was up. L-O-G-Y. And it quacked and the man bent down to get his prize duck and it blew up his face.

Oh no. I mean, that's terrible, but can you walk yourself through this? That's what I'm saying. He quacked and then you go, what's wrong? But boom. So yeast is explosive or just explosive inside of a duck. Yeah. I mean, it's somewhere in there.

I think I said it was fermented yeast. I don't know if that's the difference maker. Oh, Mr. Perkins, what are you up to? Yeah. You lodgy old soul. Here's the thing. He's making some moonshot. And I hate to be like, I don't want to be discriminatory towards this one-eyed man. But here's making some moonshot and i hate to be like i don't want to be discriminatory towards this

this one-eyed man but here's the thing if you are in the middle of a job interview and you just smashed it like everything goes well and the last question is oh by the way how'd you lose your eye fishing accident and you but if you answer my duck exploded you're probably not getting the job my duck ate yeast quack exploded i lost an eye you probably read about it in the local paper he's got the article in his back pocket i'm glad you brought it up check this out i was in the papers man that is not real life jason can't be yeah are you going to be in a more lodgy condition as the show goes on? Oh, no, no, no. Quite the opposite.

I think I'll be bubbly and springy. We'll do whatever we can do to help you. Bouncy. We'll do whatever we can do to help. Look, if you're watching on YouTube right now, you can see that my hands and my head are... No, they're not sweaty, but they're relatively still. My legs are doing this at all times. My legs...

I'm doing the pee-pee dance. We've all done it. We've all been there. Do the... Oh, my God. Potty dance. All right. Let's do some Liar Liar.

Liar Liar. Pants on fire yes this segment has become my white whale i want to beat al borland today i don't even care if it's me i mean it'll probably be me it felt good last either of you or however many no no i want to go undefeated. You didn't go undefeated. But I still won. Two to one. You beat us, but nobody's beaten him at his own game, gone perfect through these lies.

Well, that all changes today, gentlemen. Otherwise, we'll be feeding him yeast. Real quick, I have a problem. You have a different one? A new one? Well, it's related, and I seek advice. That's a great question segment.

I'm thirsty. Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, is that you, Al Borland, playing? Oh, that is. What? We have in-ear buds. This is in my soul I'm hearing this sound effect. He thought it was him. It was a 50-50.

He thought it was him. It was a 50-50. He thought it was him. I am thirsty. Q-P sound. No, my point is I am thirsty and I didn't know if I should drink or not. I may or may not have told Al to be looking for some rushing water. Let's help Jason along in this

journey. I'm going to finish this glass and then the next time you see this glass, it's not time you see this glass it will not it's not gonna be clear oh no no also yes that's great all right round one of liar liar i'm gonna read you three facts one of them is a brutal unadulterated lie from the lips of our lying producer al borland such a liar he is a good one, and that is a problem. He's so good at it. All right, and then we have to try to identify the lie.

We'll play three rounds. You should play with us at home, and if you beat Al Borland, then you will have the satisfaction we have yet to have on this show. Then you, sir or ma'am, are a liar, because he's good. He's darn good.

All right, round one. First fact. The space between your eyebrows. That's the only way I can read it. Dave Matthews? Yes. The space between your eyebrows is called the glabella. Glabella?

Glabella. Yeah, I don't want to mispronounce his lie word. His made-up word. up space between the eyebrows is called the glabella possible i have no idea if that's true number two roosters are so obnoxious they have built-in ear plugs when they fully open their beaks their auditory canals completely close off oh my gosh that makes some sense i feel like if owl was making a lie he wouldn't use the opinion word of obnoxious you know because russians are so obnoxious that yada yada so i think that i'm gonna say this you can see how desperate we are this is a deep philosophical dive right now yeah

i'm gonna say that one's true okay number three. In Kentucky, adolescents can get a learner's permit at the age of 12, a driver's license at the age of 14, but must drive under parental supervision until the age of 16. I think that one is a bona fide truth. I think that one is guaranteed. Andy, how old is your oldest son? He'll be 12 in December. And that is frightening.

But in Kentucky, now I have a complete cliche view of Kentucky because I live in Arizona. But my assumption is there's not a lot of people right next to each other. And they drive tractors and stuff like that. I was going with the stereotype of tractors. Kentucky, I apologize if I am way off. I don't know if that's a stereotype. That's just kind of like people do farm, right? But is Kentucky in farmland?

That part I don't know. I don't know. Jason, look, I need to go to the geography expert. Jason, where in the United States is Kentucky? Kentucky is Kansas. So those are, just so you know, those two places that some people call it. Yeah, interchangeable.

Some people call it Kansas. Some people call it Kentucky. But it's just a matter of are you, you know. That's the best answer ever. Because it's so true. Kentucky is Kansas. I'm so sorry, Kentucky. And Kansas, really, both.

Well, not Kansas. Never apologize to Kansas. No, I would never apologize to Kansas. Now I got to look this up. Is Kentucky Kansas? Is Kentucky Kansas? Okay. I believe that one, though.

I believe that there are those states, more farming, more rural. If you're rural, your kids, I mean, the idea of letting them drive around on your property or with miles between homes and stuff like that is not scary. So it's the same reason in Arizona we have our incredible rule that you can ride in the back of a pickup truck. Oh, that's still allowed? I'm pretty sure. Wow. The craziest rule.

Had to do with farm country. Hot take. That should not be allowed. Here's another hot take of an Arizona rule that shouldn't be allowed. This is one of the only states in the country that you can ride a motorcycle without a helmet you yeah but as long as you have like protective eyewear on jason you got to protect those eyes and and and and the reason is just because it's hot like well yeah no the reason is is it's hot it's too hot to wear a helmet out here in arizona summer. So I'm sure that factors into the law.

Hold on. You went from stating a fact to I'm pretty sure this is why to if that's the reason, then I totally get it. Okay. All right. But I'm very sure. All right. That was a wonderful dive into geography.

And I think it's between the first two is the lie. I really do. I think think the last one's true myself i don't know if you guys are on board with that i'm glabella yeah and then the rooster one i mean built-in earplugs when they fully open their beaks their auditory canals completely close off it's so i think that's the lie it's so if that's the lie, that's so good. Kentucky's alive. 12 is too young for learners. I don't care if you got tractors or not. We might need to just split our votes here, Mike, for the sake of somebody saying perfect against Al.

But I'm going Roosters is the lie. Kentucky's the lie. Okay. Mike, you got to weigh in. So I have to take Glabella for the team? No, you don't have to. No, you take whatever you think is. Yeah.

Oh, man. I'd like to Google Glabella. Can I phone a friend? Can I have the answer first? Can I have the answer? I'd like the answer. Oh, man. It was my initial gut check,

though the gut check on these has not been very accurate. So I'm going to take Glabella. The space between your eyebrows is called the Glabella is a lie. Space between. All right, Al. Jason's confidence on this one is scaring me a bit. He did get that one right, and he knew it. Oh, baby.

So Kentucky, what is the age? Is it like 14 is the age, not 12? It's actually 16. And you have to have your permit for six months before you can get your license. Okay, so that's what we have here, too. Yeah, so it's no different. So they don't farm? Is that what that means?

They don't farm in Kentucky? I don't think it's farmland. They're not Kansas. They're not Kansas. They're not. In fact, they don't even border Kansas. Not Kansas. They're not Kansas.

They're not. In fact, they don't even border Kansas. I Googled, and they're like, after Googling Kentucky, I now realize that Kentucky is West Virginia. So I apologize to Kansas. Here is a fact that I just found out. You can actually obtain a learner's permit at 14 in Alaska, Arkansas, Iowa, Kansas,

and North and South Dakota. All right, so then that... No, because this said learner's permit at 12. 12, yeah. Not 14. 14 is the youngest age in the United States that you can do that. Al, I'm happy you are scared because I'm on to you. I'm seeing through all this nonsense.

I'm disappointed, but now I just want to catch up and beat Jason. I just want Andy to read this next word. Great, great. All right, round two. Round two, three facts. Oh, good luck. Dephthonatophobia. Dephthonatophobia. Dephthonatophobia. Oh, wow.

If this is the lie, you are a monster for knowing how to say that. Is the fear of dying while pooping? While defecating. Yeah. It makes sense. Math checks out. Wait a minute. So hold on. You didn't put that together, Jay?

I didn't. No, I was thinking about Owl and his propensity to lie. He is a liar. I remember when he said that he knew his mailman's name. He chimed in and was like, I know the mailman's name. That was to help. I mean, he was lying in that moment because he didn't. He was doing that to help his lie.

And the fact that he chimes in here. That was fast. It's pronounced like this. I had this prepared. Of course he had it prepared. Yeah, he's smart. He's smart. I'm on to him.

I'm on to your tricks, Al. All right, next one. Dang. All right, next one. A tiger's tongue is so rough that just a few licks could draw blood from your hand or remove paint from a wall i sure i believe that one for sure i've i like i've been i've been known to be licked by a few tigers the only way to not tigers but like by a dog like my dog is obsessed with licking my feet.

And you're like, after a few, it's uncomfortable. And that's just a normal house dog. The only way to prove this one wrong, because some of this is the strength of the animal, right? There's no guarantee that if a tiger licked the wall, it would take paint. So the only way to guarantee that this is a lie is actually actually tigers have really gentle soft tongues and i don't believe that for one second because like okay jason how many licks would it take you to remove paint from a wall infinity licks you can never do it i could never i could never do it you don't have much confidence in yourself i see i have confidence i think i said confidence in modern paint. I think I could get that paint.

With just your tongue? I think I could do it. I think with enough time, anyone could do anything. We watched Tiger King, and I feel like there were some tigers licking things, and nobody was screaming in pain, so that's tough. Number three, a pop-up toaster was invented. The pop-up to nobody was screaming in pain. So that's tough. Number three. A pop-up toaster was invented. The pop-up toaster was invented in 1919.

Sliced bread was first sold in 1928. Oh, man. Math checks out. I get it because that's why people are so excited about sliced bread. Oh, yeah. They've been waiting to use it for nine years. I've got this toaster. It's so impractical because I have to cut my own bread.

I can't fit this loaf in. They're trying to jam it. Sir, which way does the loaf go in to the toaster? The date he didn't mention was knives were invented in 1937. Right. So you had to rip your bread apart. You needed a tiger's tongue. Look, Jeremy's scared of my confidence. I'm going with

the phantophobia as the fear of dying while pooping. That's not a thing. Defafanatho. Say it again. What is it, Al? Defathanathophobia. No, it's pronounced liar. Nope. I mean, he sold me on that

second one. I think the tiger's the lie. Tiger. I'm in on the tiger one. Tiger's the lie. Yeah. Go for it. Oh, Jason. Oh, I mean, he sold me on that second one. I think the tiger's the lie. Tiger. I'm in on the tiger one. Tiger's the lie. Yeah. Go for it. Oh, Jason. Oh, yes. You got another one right. And you did absolutely see right through it when I pronounced that with confidence.

Yes. Oh, man. Jason had his chance. It's up to you. It's up to you, Jason. Let's go. Thanatophobia is the fear of dying. I just added the defFA and made it die.

You rascal. By the way, there is one way to disrupt Jason's momentum. No, don't play any tracks with water. That is illegal, out of bounds. Come on, Al. This is the lowest brow show we've ever done. I don't know about that. You mean right after Depa-Fanata-Phobia and then the P-Zone?

Okay. We have to rename the show. For lack of science. All right. Bring it on, Al. Welcome to the Poop and Pee Podcast. All right. Round three.

Cows, moose, rhinos, and horses can sleep standing up but cannot dream unless they lie down wow that's a ridiculous fact man a ridiculous fact know that like well now what did you dream about last night they can tell if things it's uh what the brain they could probably put that thing the brain activity you You know. The rim. The rimmy rims. You look at the movement behind the eyelids. All right. There you go.

Number two, there's a competitive sport that combines juggling and jogging. It's called joggling. Joggling. Oh, man. But people have invented so many sports. That has to be true or I'm going to be sad. Oh, yeah. I want to watch Joggling.

Joggling. Wow. All right. Number three. Due to the pheromones produced in sweat, men who went on a first date directly after the gym with out showering had a 72 increase in chances at a second date according to a 2015 study this is this study is done by that clown in the hat who's like who doesn't want to shower oh man all right goodness okay okay i'm going first because i've i've been seeing right through it and this one's tough this one is not clear to me but i think

that i'm going last because i just i was about to go with the joggling joggling was going to be the lie but then he would have had two lies in a row that would have been one word he created he created that he would never do that so joggling has to be true i'm still thinking you two talk i the cows moose rhinos and horses i know horses can sleep standing up this whole hogwash that somebody spent their scientific efforts to figure out whether they dream standing or lying down bothers me but as opposed to finding out how your date went after the gym that's true both are scientific ridiculous statements do you guys know of um and i guess i could throw this to al borland because this is a reference to a buddy of ours.

He was very excited about... There was a men's perfume, so a cologne, whatever. That was supposedly... It supposedly contained pheromones in it. It may just smell good, but it also had those secret pheromones. 60% of the time, it works every time. Do you remember this owl? I do, yeah. I can't remember the name, but it was bad.

I think that that one's true, and I think both of the studies are true. Both of the studies are true because of studies too many i don't like where you i don't like where you're going because then you're saying joggling is then i'm saying joggling's a lie final answer okay mike where are you going oh man if there's any dead air you can always play the p sound by the way al If there's any dead air, you can always play the P sound, by the way. They can sleep standing up. I thought I had heard that they don't actually... The idea of cow tipping is not really real because cows actually sleep laying down.

They don't stand up and you could tip them over. Seems like a weird thing to make up. Look, Nate Bargatze told me that horses sleep lying down but i'm sure they could sleep standing up as well can you sleep standing up no that's a lie you don't have four legs i was gonna say on all fours can you fall asleep and let me tell you this let me tell you this now i understand if if the last one due to the pheromones producing sweat, men who went on a first date directly after the gym without showering had a 72% increase of chances at a second date.

Now, here's where this one is the lie. It's not due to the pheromones producing sweat. It's due to the fact that this man works out and goes to the gym. Okay, the person that goes to the gym has a better increased chance of a second date. The science is wrong. So both of these are lies, but I'm going to assume that has a better increased chance of a second date. The science is wrong. So both of these are lied, but I'm going to assume that one was not intended to be a lie. I'm going to finally answer. Cows, moose, rhinos, and horses can sleep standing up, but can't train unless they lie.

I'll add into that, like, what level of, like, it's a proof of fact that confidence, like, it's attractive. When you can feel that someone is a confident person and you were drawn to them. What level of confidence do you have as a person that you go work out, get real sweaty, and you're like, I'm ready for my date. You are confident. And smelly. You are a confident person. And smelly.

I just came from the gym. Also disgusting. I think came from the gym. Also disgusting. I think juggling's a lie. Jason thinks the first one's a lie for his chance at beating Al. Mike, you got to weigh in. The score is 0-2. So either Jason goes 3-0 or – Well, you can beat me, Mike.

You could get a win. Yeah, I could beat – I think it's the cows, moose, rhinos. All right. That doesn't speak well for Jason's chances. Jason, I cannot believe that you are still unable to beat me. Oh, my gosh. You got him.

Jerk. You monster. I'm flexing over here. You were flexing. The pheromones was the lie on that one. Yeah. No. So good news.

Joggling is a sport. That is good news. And I'm still undefeated. That is great news. Oh, man. Al continues. I thought you got him, Jason. Jason felt like a master.

Wow. All right. Congratulations, Al. I quit. I'm out. Oh, thanks, Al. I quit. I'm out. Oh, thanks, Al. Thanks. You're pouring salt in the wounds here.

I got to finish this glass of urine and use it. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. Today we are drafting things you wish you knew how to do. We talked about this. This would be kind of those aspirational skills, talents, abilities that you wish you yourself could do. People possess these skills, but you don't.

Like, for instance, you could say, I wish I knew how to beat Owl every time at this game, but that's not a real magic. Does that mean he's smarter than us? No, of course not. It means he's a filthy liar. More deceptive. Like Jason could say, I wish I had the ability to go to the bathroom any place, any time, right in the middle of a show.

The worst part is I know how much joy I brought Jeremy when I answered the wrong answer. Yes. And I hate that. I hate that I brought him happiness. Your face when you thought you had defeated him. I can't wait to see the highlight.

Like put that thing in slow-mo, the transition. It looked like your face was very flush. It did. It was spectacular. All right, Mike, you have the first pick. So you get a draft first. Your pick of every scalability thing that you wish you knew how to do. What is it?

So there's a lot of places. I've got the first pick, so I have infinite places I could go. But some of the things I wish I knew how to do, they're not practical. There's not a ton of situations where you're like, in that one particular situation, it's going to be awesome that I know how to do it. But this is one of those things that I wish I could do. There are so many opportunities that come up. And you feel like a fool because you can't do it.

I wish I... Read. Oh, no. Sorry. You've seen right through me, Jason. Jason, he was going to say read. This is a moment. Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

I read with the best of them. No. I wish I could dance. Really? I desperately wish that I could dance and it's okay it's i like that and i'm not just talking about weddings like there's no break it down i mean there's so many times we're just like oh if i could bust off like a cool dance move right here i would be legit and it's it's like this extra level of pain for me because I'm a musician. So I actually have tremendous rhythm, but I do not have.

Just not physically. I don't have cool coordination when it comes to doing any kind of dance moves. I can play a drum set, but I cannot dance. I look stupid. I wish I could do it. I love the pick. And like I said to the spit wads at the top of the show you're going to learn a little bit about us today yeah on the draft now it's a great

pick i'm also a little jealous that you have so many opportunities in your life where being able to dance is just right there just comes up man um okay jason you're you're on the clock i know which one i want the most and it's it's kind of a twofer so we're gonna have to debate whether i can get it or not but i'm gonna hold off on that because i don't believe andy will draft that one thing don't cheat now cheat later exactly as mama said as mom always said don't cheat now cheat later um but one thing that i think it's a twofer like kentucky and Two for like Kentucky and Kansas. Exactly. Exactly. I think Andy has this on his list. Oh, no. And he gets two picks.

So you're playing smart here. So I'm playing the game here. I wish so bad that I could write code, specifically PHP. Oh, man. It's on my list. That is definitely on my list. We have over the course of our lives, we've built many companies, all tech companies, all web companies, apps and games.

And, you know, and through this process, we've always needed a great PHP programmer. And I can develop so much of the concept and the idea, but I can't ever. It's rough, man. It's like having rhythm, but you can't dance. Exactly. Oh, good point. And so I wish that I. So you're going coding, programming.

Yes. I desperately wish I. Great pick. I wish I could do it. It's funny. It was not on my list. Well, but you talk about it all the time. I know that you wish you could do that.

Yeah, but I've done enough of that type of world in my life. Now, not PHP, but I've done web stuff my whole life. So these choices that I have for my picks are things that I have no familiarity of their universe. It's stuff that I'm like, you just wish you could do it. So I have... You have two picks. I have two picks. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking about here

and trying to be strategic too with what you guys will select. I'm actually, the first thing I'm going to pick is probably going to blow your minds, but it's going to be sailing a boat. Oh, like a real sailboat. Oh, no, I like it. A sailboat. I wish I could sail a boat.

Like, I want to go in the ocean with a boat and not die. That is the goal. And people do that. I like that. I like that pick. We've been watching Vikings in our house, and in the beginning of this series, this is the- Kirk Cousins and dalvin cook this is the uh

beginning of the vikings sailing west and they have to like build a boat that can go across this sea they've never really gone that way you know that exploring and when they did that all i could think about was like man the sail how did you do that? Yes, exactly. How do you sail? Where's the engine? You could do it with a bunch of people with oars at least, but a sail? I think it would be so cool to do that. And people do this. It's a real thing.

I've always been so fascinated by the open ocean and sailing. All right. Even the deadliest catch, like being a fisherman out on those boats, like being out in the middle of the water would be really cool. Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I'd rather have a yacht, but a sailboat would be pretty cool. It feels like I could buy a yacht and probably not die in the ocean today. Because you're not the one driving it.

That's what I mean. But a sailboat, I would be responsible. That's not sail. But anyway, sail a boat. I'm going to go that way. All right. And then the second pick is very tough because I know what I want my number two pick to be.

So you should probably take it with your number two pick. That's a good idea. But I know for a fact that neither of you will take it. Uh-oh. So I can wait on it. Yodeling. Yodeling. take it oh so i can wait on yodeling um so i guess i'm gonna go with another one in the same vein i wish that i knew how to fly a fighter jet jet fighter is on my list that would be so

freaking cool to break the sound barrier and not, again, something that I could not do without immediately dying right now. So those are my two. And a jet fighter is the closest we will ever get to actually flying because those things are going so fast. It would be pretty incredible to be able to do that. Honestly, I wish I could just be a co-pilot in a fighter jet because I know. Just put them on missiles. Mike's on missiles.

Yeah. No, I'm talking about just being conscious and not vomiting all over myself. I know what's going to happen. If I go do one of those ride-alongs that they give people sometimes in a fighter jet, it's done. Which of us goes out quicker? I know it's all within five seconds. Mike's number one. You're going out.

You're going down. I'm out immediately, man. Before the takeoff, Mike is done. I don't go down. I'm blanking out. Jason probably lasts the longest. Yeah. I mean, I have the most mass, so I don't know if that causes extra force.

That probably doesn't help you in that situation. All right. So I'm on the clock? You're on the clock. All right. And hopefully you will not probably doesn't help you in that situation. All right, so I'm on the clock? You're on the clock. And hopefully you will not take my other pick. We'll see. All right, so this is the one that I said is kind of a twofer, but it's a twofer in the way that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

is two different ingredients. These go together. Be ready, Al. Be ready for a ruling here. Be ready, Al, but I think it counts. I wish I knew how to stick to diet and exercise so it's like it's kind of a twofer but they go together that's really what i want i don't want one without the other i want to know power willpower i was gonna say i feel like you already know how to diet and exercise

that one is not like a hidden skill after years of i wish i knew how to diet and exercise. That one is not like a hidden skill after years of chasing, turning red. Well, because it's right. It is willpower. I'm drafting willpower, but I wish I knew how to stick to it. But that's a genuine thing. I wish I knew how to

stick to diet and exercise. Alright, we can make diet and exercise the answer. I think that's the right way to do it. Okay. Mike, you got two picks. Oh, man. All right. I'm reading coding and diet and exercise.

Both things that are well within, like, the rest of your life, you can do both of those. I promise I will not sail a boat or fly a jet. Mike, you're up. You can start one of those today, Jason. I promise I won't PHP a boat or fly a jet. Mike, you're up. You can start one of those today, Jason. I promise I won't PHP program or diet and exercise. I promise. So we're even. All right.

Mike needs to learn how to dance. That's number one. Yeah. Now it's two and three. I am very excited. I mean, coding was on my list. It wasn't my number two, but it probably would have been my number three pick here. So I'm a little upset

you took that. I love Andy's picks. Both of them are things I wish I knew how to do. But like I said, my list is boring and very practical. And we often put this man on a pedestal

for these things. So this is your time to shine, Al Borland. I wish I could fix crap. I wish. Like a handyman? I wish I just had a knowledge of fixing stuff. You're not an expert at anything, but something breaks. Someone punches a hole in your wall.

Al Borland, if someone punched a hole in your drywall could you fix that? that's incredible if your garbage disposal wasn't turning on and it wasn't simply because it was unplugged could you fix that?

this is what I'm talking about people I wish I could fix stuff so stupid is that what you want? like handy people. I wish I could fix stuff. Okay. So stupid. Wish I could fix stuff. Is that what you want? Like handyman or fix? I wish I could fix things. Well, I don't know how we want to word it, but handyman is fine.

Handyman kind of explains it. Okay. And the other one. So what will come back to me? I think there's one that I really, really want that would come back to me. So my's one that i really really want that would come back to me so i am so my next one another real boring but real practical i wish i could draw okay oh that's good that should be on my list i have little to like i feel very confident again in my artistic ability as a musician when it comes to sound and making music

my artistic ability when it comes to drawing is i've i learned how to draw like a specific cartoon character i think in like third grade i'm still in i'm still drawing that guy to this day that's that's how much my drawing skill has expanded i'm starting to learn more about you you're like the you know how they say when you lose one of your senses, the other ones are amplified. I feel like because you're such a good musician, somehow you miss the dancing and then you miss the drawing creativity. I don't understand how people draw things at scale.

I don't know how you, like people that shade things, like they're, they are wizards. I don't know. that shade things like they're with they are wizards i don't know i can't visualize in my mind as well as people can draw it out on paper like i can't even see it in my head yeah that's my i can't either i have no idea you know that show nailed it on netflix yes where they get the the beautifully made cake and all three people have to make a cake in like 10 minutes i feel like it would be funny to have an object that all three of us had to draw and we had five minutes to draw

and then you show it to the camera that would be a funny thing to do it would be funny for everyone else it would not be funny for my self-esteem that's true that's true all right jason you are back on the clock i can tell you're thinking long and hard about that P as well as this pick. Well, I wish I knew how to go to the restroom before a show. No, I'm... See, I've got one thing on my list. I'm going to cross it out right now because this doesn't really apply. This is more like I wish I could do it than knew.

I wish I could dunk. That's on my list, but that's more of like a... Me and Andy had a specific discussion before you showed up. I'm like, we need to nail down what this means because Jason's going to be over here being like, I wish I could dunk. I wish I could fly. He said that. That's exactly. He said it verbatim.

No, I wouldn't have gone like flying. But like, that's one of those wishes. I always wish I could dunk too, man. But it's never, ever going to happen. But it could have happened. Like, you know. But that's a little different because your body and you're like yeah it's not happening now now it's a genie wish but anyway go on he was correcting himself he was he was going a different direction

no no no he was putting his foot in the water no no i was not we would allow it to happen no i i crossed it out i really did because i i recognized that that wasn't what we were doing here once he learns how to diet and exercise could he then learn how to dunk uh jason it's not like a me no the dunk is not like it's not it's not a long process for people it's not that you don't go to school to learn how to dunk you know what what I mean? Throw your hands back and then up. You're just big and you dunk. Yeah. It's more athletic. Yeah. All right. So I'm going to go with something that I think is really cool.

It would open me up to international travel. It would make me look so smart at every party that I would break it up. Oh, that's a great one. I wish I could speak multiple languages. That's on the list, man. That's a great one. That's just such a- It's I could speak multiple languages. That's a great one. You know, that's just such a... It's not on my list, and I'm dumb.

Nobody, you know... You just... If you can speak five languages, you're not dumb. Like, flat out, you are clearly an intelligent person. And so, you know, I wish I was an intelligent person. I've always had that thought of how cool it would be... You know, when you hear other people speak a foreign language to each other, and you all of a sudden surprise them that you understood what they said.

Oh, right. Yeah. That moment. I've seen Braveheart. Yeah. Like that and like a translator. How fast is your brain operating that you are inputting this language going and then translating it, bringing in all the context, bringing

in all the grammar. That is insanity that people's brains can do that. I like that pick. It was definitely on my list. Great pick. I guess I have to finish my draft out. I want to learn how to sail a boat. I want to be able to fly a fighter jet.

Here's helicopter. I've got two more. Submarine, Mike. You got to go go he's gone up he's on the water he's gotta go under one one beneath the water uh i'm gonna go with the first one i've always wished i had committed myself to this as a young man i know it's achievable but it's a lot harder at in your late 30s to begin i want to be a master at piano oh i want to be a like i was thinking something very different a master pianist piano player yeah a piano player would just be so

cool i've always loved fiddling on the on the piano and to be able to just it's almost like you guys talked about programming and being able to you think it like i feel like i have musical stuff in my brain but i can't bring it out of the fingers and i wish i could do that and then my last one which uh is different than mike's handyman skills i i wish i was a could be a craftsman is? That is a different answer. I want to be able to be a carpenter, for example, and work with my hands and build things. I had woodworking on my list, and I felt like that was different enough. Craftsman gets a little close. I just mean basically like a carpenter, like being able to build with my hands as opposed

to, you know. Yeah, for sure i i had somebody to do it i had um paying alborlan to do it that cross is one of the things off my list of learning how to build structures yeah if i could build a tree house if i could build a a shed or a barn i mean i wouldn't do it but like it'd be cool to know how yeah being a craftsman basically of some sort whether that's building a house or building a chair building a table anything like that okay so i'm i'm running i'm running low on my list here and so i'm actually on a list that contains diet and exercise right um in some ways this is like jason's fulfilled as a human yeah this is a compliment to jason in some ways it really is like i don't mean you're feeling good i am feeling good but

you want to know something so there's only two things that i think here i'm gonna cross one off it's like dunking i wish i knew how to golf but that's not really a knowledge-based thing it's just i suck at golfing so i'm gonna cross that off but I wish like I wish so bad that I was a good golfer we really need to golf as we get older and we're in Arizona where like golfing happens but I hate golfing that's cool Andy

I'm 100% with you Andy if only they allowed foursomes on the golf course well we don't want liars with us. He's not on the Zoom call right now. I can't see him, so he didn't exist. Just pull the rando in every time. Oh, my gosh. But I am rather fulfilled in my life.

There's not an exhaustive list of things I just wish I knew how to do. But one thing that I wish I could do so regularly, it's almost at least once a week right now, so I'm going to put it out there. I wish I could scat because I am always, every time I've got the first pick, I am dreading that episode because I hate to have the scat. I wish I could scat.

Oh, my goodness. That is outstanding. It's probably the most important on all of our lists here. But, man. I'll tell you, honestly, the number one rule of scat is you got to be feeling it. It's feeling it. It's feeling it. Your problem is you start thinking about it,

and now you're in the think zone. You're not in the feel zone. Music is feeling. That's a classic art versus logic type of thing, right? This would be fun, though. If you guys have other ones, Jason said he was out, but I had a few others written down that might be interesting. Do I get to do my last pitch? Mike should finish his draft as well.

I thought we were done, my bad. Maybe Mike wants to hear your list. Al is being thrown out of the golf course. I don't get to finish my draft as well. I thought we were done, my bad. Maybe Mike wants to hear your list. Al is being thrown out of the golf course. I don't get to finish my draft. Whoops. Silver Sammy over here. All right, Mike's pick. It's his turn to pick.

All right. So on my list of things that I really wish I could do is blacksmithing, but I'm not going to go with it. It's very, very similar to Andy's carpet. That's a cool pick, though. I freaking wish I could do is blacksmithing but i'm not gonna go with it it's it's very very similar to that's a cool pick though carpet i freaking wish i could do metal work uh i wish and this is i wish i had more how do i how do i phrase it because i'm not wishing i was a doctor i don't want to be a doctor but i wish i had more medical information like how do you phrase that like i because like i had to go with like doctor yeah you wish you had a medical doctor to make medical

i'm not trying to like i don't want to be that profession but i have uh i we have several friends who i've i've my cousin's a firefighter but like a paramedic firefighter. His wife is a nurse. So whenever something goes bad in the Wright household, we call them. And we're like, hey, here's the symptoms. What do we do? And I wish I didn't have to call somebody to know that symptom X, symptoms Y. Do I need to go to the hospital right now? They're like, no, you're good.

Or no, that's something you should actually really take care of right now. You wish you had peace of mind. I wish I had peace of mind. Yeah, no, that's legit. I wish I had peace of mind with medical information. Yeah, that's not bad. But I don't know how to,

I guess being a doctor. Yeah, or a medical professional or medical knowledge, something like that. Yeah, proficiency. Yeah, medical proficiency, sure. Do you want to go golfing, Al? I'd love to. I wish I could golf and dunk so bad.

That's my big takeaway from here is what I learned about myself is I wish I could golf and dunk and do other things that have nothing to do with knowledge. Jason's just walking around physically fit, scatting all over the place, dunking, hitting the golf ball. Yeah. I guess not scatting all over the place. I had some other. I did have rebuilding cars. I thought that would be cool to be able to do. Oh, mechanic.

Yeah. No, mechanic work is legit. I wanted that. Like I had to like be able to fix up cars or work on cars. But then I feel like that's so old busted because it's oil change is like, what is this, a combustion engine? Yeah, but if you can rebuild. And the instrument I can't play that I wish I could play, I wish I could play the cello.

You know what's funny is I had on my list that I wish I could play the cello. You know what's funny is I had on my list that I could. Great instrument. I wish I could play all instruments. And Andy picked one. Yeah, because I feel like going with all instruments, that's being a little bit greedy. Well, I did take both diet and exercise. That's okay.

You can have both. And we actually, we hope you are able to achieve that goal. Dude, you know that we're always rooting for you. Oh, thanks, man. I also thought about being a theater performer, like being able to sing on stage. I thought that would be something cool to be able to do as well. You guys have anything else you want to add?

Let's see. Jet fighter. No, I mean, my stuff that I really want to do was I either took it or you guys took it. We should probably all take the diet and exercise one, to be honest. That would be pretty helpful. All right, let's figure out what else we learned today. What did we learn today? I learned that ducks should not eat yeast.

Oh, that is true. That's for sure. Not good for the tum-tum. I learned that Kentucky is Kansas, plain and simple. Oh, and it's not, I mean, we already knew it, but I think after what happened in round three, we have to, it's confirmed. Al Borland is the king of liars.

He's a sociopath. He's a sociopath. All right, that'll do it for today's Spitballers episode. Thank you for tuning in. Follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Until next time. Stay safe out there, and we will see you next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the

guys are up to. Check out spitballers pod.com. Hey, you did it. You made it to the end. Thank you for listening. It was a real fun ride, Andy. This one was especially good. Yeah, I liked it.

I felt like I was on point. My form was excellent. Yeah, you complimented yourself a lot throughout. Well, thank you for noticing that I did that. Head over to SpitballersPod.com, and you can figure out how you can help support this show and get access to episodes early and some other stuff. Check it out, SpitballersPod.com.