Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 112: Fanny Packs, Hippie Sacks & Stress Relieving Activities

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

The Spitballers are back with another great episode to brighten your Monday! During ‘Would You Rather’, we jump into single vs multiplayer gaming, mastering musical instruments, and talking like Donald Duck. Then we get some really ‘Great Questions’ for us to debate. Then, we slow things down at the end with a draft of ‘Stress Relieving Activities’. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's me. It's Andy. Hey, Andy. How's it going? I'm fantastic. We've got a great show today. That's number one. Number two, I just want to let everyone out there listening know that if they don't have enough Spitballers-themed aspects of their life, they can go over to SpitballersPod.com. They can click on the Become a Spitwad button.

It's just a little button. That's how it sounds. Yeah. When you click it, it goes, ba-bing. Is that a spittoon? Yes. Okay. You can click on become a spitwad, learn more about how you can support the show and get some really cool perks. That's spitballerspod.com. Let's get to the episode. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Beep-a-doo-dee-da-da-ba-oh. I'm going slow, I'm bringing soul. Today's all about relaxing out there, so welcome into the show We're gonna take your stress away on this happy Monday Oh boy, I'm afraid What is happening? It is a relaxing show, you'll find out why in a little bit

Mike is here Oh my goodness How did you process that whole introduction mike look him him vibing eyes closed shaking the head back to forth or back and forth i didn't know where it was going because we had talked about this like a true scat is just you're feeling it so you're just in the moment look the, the man was trying to feel it, and I'm not sure what he felt. But I felt it, and that's all that matters.

I was there in the moment. You know what's given me great hope during these introductory scats is knowing what the draft is. I'm basically trying to scat my draft. Well, that's good. I was wondering, is your happiest moment each and every time that you just finished your scat, knowing that is the furthest away from your next scat that you could be? Yes.

Like right now, you're as far from a scat as a person gets. He's peaking right now. No, actually, you're wrong because i'm gonna be honest here that would be just going along with the joke that's great but the truth is it's always the beginning of the following episode when it's your scat andy that's when i'm the most happy so my my scat makes a lot of people happy let's be honest but dingy welcome to the spitballers podcast andy mike and Jason. Back with you for another spectacularly relaxing episode. Would you rather?

That's a great question and a wonderful draft that Al Borland himself has selected for us. Al, how are you doing? Doing great. Just happy to be here. That's good. Well, that's good. You can find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify. We appreciate all the reviews, all the support from the spitwads out there. Spitballerspod.com is the website. Let's

do some Would You Rather. Would you rather? All right. First, would you rather question comes in from Cullen on the website website would you rather have an infinite fridge or an infinite gas tank slash battery so this is trying to apply to you tesla folks out there that never have to charge borland put the ev battery you caught me absolutely just for i definitely added that because jason's always skirting the rules of, well, I have a battery. That's true. Infinite fridge, though. I mean, battery or not, I mean, I've been on road trips with you guys and with Jason's Tesla.

And, you know, autopilot's great and all, but we had to stop two times. I mean, a two-time stop on the way back from san diego that was it's no joke you gotta do it great it was and it kind of charged slowly on both of them and we were there you remember that trip right you remember it clearly now was that more or less than one month ago more more or less than three months ago more more or less than six months let's say was it about a year ago uh yes was it more or less than a day since you've gone to your fridge and eaten which more or less have you been there today have you have you yes i have so like okay i've got to charge twice whenever i take a trip to california oh no but my fridge is fully stocked with all the things i love well it doesn't

say that it's all that it's fully stocked it's just saying you could put infinite amounts of food in it that's that's how i'm taking oh that's a big difference okay that's yeah will you clarify for us this is space to me i I read that as fully stocked. If you pull something out, it replenishes. Well, then this question is stupid. Yes, it is, because we're hungry boys. Would you rather have... And if it's infinite, that means any food you want is inside the fridge,

and it's not the struggle that I'm pulling up with every single meal of my life where you open the fridge and go, okay, let me, let me modify it. I'm going to modify it for you. Okay. I've got a good modifier. Hold on. Let me look in the freezer. Here's the modification. It's the exact same question, except for every time you open the fridge, you got to open five padlocks. Keys or numeric no no combinations five combination locks all right okay combinations where you're you're rolling the things to where it says five five five or the combinations where you've got to twist the thing five five five but it all gets completely randomized and you got to do five of them each time so you got unlimited food but it is a bit

of work i mean you got to go through five padlocks. You got to reseal them after you're done. Here's the thing, Andy. If I chose the infinity fridge, which of course I will, I need those padlocks on it for my own good. Okay. So this isn't just a, I'm bored. You know, what's in the fridge? Because when I open that thing, I'm going to find everything's in the fridge.

I need to know. I'm really really hungry i need the padlocks really you've just made it better now he's definitely choosing the fridge picturing jason walking up to the fridge like oh yeah dang it i will probably walk away nine out of ten times i walk up to the fridge how many times you get through two or three padlocks and then give up? Yeah, I was like, oh, man. I would give up the second that I missed one of the padlocks. And this is why I'm very happy that it's like the 5-5-5 padlock. Oh, versus the right, left, right.

If it was one of those turny guys where you got to hit the right number, go and turn the other direction, pass it, and then hit. Because you never know if you hit the right number until you pull that thing down. That's great school. Yeah, that's what we need to talk about. It's like, what is your experience with the old school twist? Like, okay, man among men here, Al Borland,

what are those locks called? I don't know. Oh, no. Rotary combination locks would be my guess, but I don't know. You should have said that, and I would have believed you if you had just come in with confidence. But did you guys? So you had one of those at some point in your life, right?

Yes. High school lockers, that was what was on it. And I'm right. They are called rotary combination locks. Oh, man. See, I'm not going to look. I'm believing you. Yeah, rotary combination locks. Oh, man. I'm not going to look. I'm believing you. Yeah, rotary combination lock is the number one Wikipedia result.

Okay, so my only experience was the junior high lockers. Because my high school, we didn't have lockers. We were banned from having said lockers. We didn't have lockers. We didn't have lockers. We didn't have open campus. It was just a cell and bars. Yes. Yeah.

So what was your experience with the Rotary? Mike had a totally different past. I didn't go to school. No. He was in juvie. It was a different place, man. We had our textbooks inside the classrooms. So because of that, there was no need place, man. We had our textbooks inside the classrooms,

and they're just... So because of that, there was no need for lockers. We had lockers, and I remember being a freshman and being disproportionately embarrassed and worried that I wouldn't be able to get my locker open. I'd be the idiot trying, like Jason's saying, trying 30 times on the lock, and then walking away like I meant to do that. That's what the fear was as a freshman.

No, I didn't really want it open. I changed my mind. No, you didn't, freshman. I'll be honest. If you put the rotary locks on the fridge, I probably would choose the unlimited vehicle gas battery situation because I am not good at those rotary combination locks. And I always feel the numbers are so small. It's like, Jason's really got a seven. I'm we're tapping into something here. We are, you know,

and it's, and then you forget like, Oh wait, did I, did I pass it? You're the kind of guy, especially when you're on lock four, you know,

you're like, Oh man, if you're on lock four, you don't have to start over. Yeah, it's okay. You're already, you're going to forget as you're't have to start over. Yeah, it's okay. You're already, you're going to forget as you're going back the other way.

Wait, did I pass 27? Do I need to pass 27? You see, you got to do the restart. Like three or four times. Did I turn it enough to reset it? Who knows?

If the gas tanks were like 50 or a hundred miles on a tank, then it would change the question too. But I think I'm going to, we're all going to go infinite fridge here. Are we not? Yes, we're going infinite fridge. I told you this question was dumb. It was easy.

Billy from Twitter, would you rather only be able to play single-player video games or only be able to play multiplayer video games? Another dumb question. Multiplayer, finally. Oh, another dumb question. Single-player, final final question this is so easy this is actually really an insight into who we are as people because for me i'm friendly and social you're kind of more of like a hobbit in the in like a little room by yourself nailed it i mean

that's perfect um no but the truth is i i don't like playing multiplayer games i don't enjoy it it's pressure for you, isn't it? Yeah, why is that, Jason? It's 100% pressure because I suck at shooting games. And when you say multiplayer games, what you're really saying in our demographic and our age range is shooting games. First person shooters. I'm going to some battle royale. Man, it's been a long time since I played a sports game.

MMOs, man. Live that wildlife. Back to Azeroth. Let's go. Dragon flights. But even when I played MMOs, I just don't want to be in a party because I don't want to let people down. So I'm just out there on my own. Let me explain for Jason because I know a few things about you.

One, you want to go at whatever pace you want to go at. So no pressure. Number two, you want to go at whatever pace you want to go at. Yes. So no pressure. Number two, you want to set the difficulty level at the easiest. Supes easy. Supes easy. Now, it's funny. I only like multiplayer games because for whatever reason, my mental justification for video games is,

am I wasting my time? And if I play a multiplayer game, I automatically believe that I am socializing am I wasting my time? And if I play a multiplayer game, I automatically believe that I am socializing and not wasting my time. It's true. And so that's why I only like multiplayer games. Now, Andy, let's go back. Let's go back to Azeroth.

Yes, let's do it. Do you have people in your life that you, at one point or another, you considered them a friend and this is a person that you have never physically seen in your life yeah because i have 15 years ago yeah really yes world of warcraft was a multiplayer game that you it was so immersive and you get on every day and you just see your friends list and certain people that were part of your group were online at the same time and you just play with them and then you you built memories in the game with them i'm not proud of it but it's true

it's a hundred percent true i've probably returned to that game two or three times just to have nostalgia. It is wild, man. I'm not kidding. I've had many friends who are people I consider friends because I talk to them so much. We would get on voice chat. So it wasn't just text letters. So not just in the game. You met in the game, and you expanded to outside the game. Well, outside of the game, sort of, because I still...

Who knows what they look like? I have no idea what this person looks like, but I can tell you that their online handle was Shizzy, and he was a dude who lived in Philadelphia, and he liked to get into fights when he was not on the field. This is Ready Player One. You're in the Oasis. It is full-on Ready Player One.

And also, when is the Oasis going to be ready for me? I've been waiting. I'm ready to go in. And when you say the Oasis, you're saying from Ready Player One, the kind of virtual environment that's in the game. What's weird to me is... I'm young again! To have the philosophical discussion briefly briefly every new technology scares the parents

of that generation for forever if it's the tv if it's the vcr in the movies sure if it's video games the atari if it's and then social media yeah whatever it is it scares them because you know like anything in life there's a good good and a bad probably to whatever activity you're doing. But I look back at those World of Warcraft days or the MMO days and people were terrified. of their room and like probably went to the bathroom inside of that room and did not see the sunlight and did not have real relationships outside of it but like mike's talking about all these good attributes and these good memories he has too when you look back at that time mike do you think you were happy that you did it or would you rather blot it out of your entire existence i am very very happy with those like i love those memories now if i could fill those

two years with 340 days of your life like if i could advance my life for a couple years i mean i guess i would probably choose that but you would advance your life a couple years so that you could eventually just play some video games. Yeah, so I can go back. Oh, it's funny. So I can retire earlier and then I can play some games. But then I'm the weird old guy who's like, hey, guys. Not in the Oasis. They won't know your age, Mike. Yeah.

Ooh, that's true. They'll have voice manipulators. All right. Carter from Patreon. Mike, if you had to vote, though, single or multi? Because I didn't get your final answer. So was about red dead the other final fantasy no no no and i'm in red dead's a good counter argument to multiplayer well and it's like i don't know when this podcast is going to come out but i'm in last of us too and oh my like my mind is blown every single time i jump

into that game i care about the people inside of this game more than I care about my family right now. I see these. Ellie. Ellie. She's my girl, man. I got to make sure she's taken care of. The problem is for Andy and I, we want to play multiplayer games together all the time, but our schedules just never match up where Andy's available at hours when I am not. So I'll come in.

I'll finally get the headset on. I'm like, hey, guys, I'm ready. And they're like, cool. This is our last game. I'm like, oh, sweet. It is harder to connect for multiplayer. So I'm probably taking the single player game. All right, Carter from Patreon,

would you rather talk like Mickey Mouse whenever you're in a good mood or talk like Donald Duck whenever you're in a bad mood? Oh, man. I feel like that's a win. It really is. I can't understand Donald Duck.

Can you understand Donald... you know what i mean like i have no idea what you're like marriage if when you're in a bad mood your wife can't understand you if i'm just mumbling every you know it's like okay yeah i mean that seems way better but it does make sense you would never be taken seriously in your bad moods like if you had something important to say like i'm sure your kids have gotten you in a bad mood before. Now go sit down, Jason, and have a heart-to-heart with one of your kids about something they did when you were in a bad mood.

Let me hear it. Here's the thing, though. My heart-to-hearts with the kid come after the bad mood is gone. You know what I mean? Once I've calmed down and relaxed. Once you put the door back on the hinges. Once I, exactly. You know, then I can sit down and have a good conversation.

I'm sure I can scare my children as well. But are you in a good mood in that follow-up conversation? Would you classify it as a good mood? No, those great heart-to-hearts are always that neutral in the middle. We don't have a neutral voice. What's your neutral voice here, Al? We need another character. Is it Pluto?

I don't even know what Pluto sounds like. Let's go Goofy. Give us that example, Mike. Goofy for... Now, listen. This is not good either way. All right. I mean, Mickey Mouse not good either way. All right. Mickey Mouse is...

Terrible. That's not a good voice, man. Oh, the Mickey Mouse voice is not okay. He can't even do it. Look, if you knew that when you were angry... I mean, I know the negative qualities that happen when I get angry, but if my voice turned into Donald Duck and I could not stop it. You'd be angrier at the voice. I feel like the self-centering would take a new level of like,

I can't, I'm the Hulk now. I cannot get angry because if I get angry, I am just like the embarrassment I'm about to feel right now as I transform into Donald. I'm sure your pants just rip off and you're left with just your shirt. I mean, you're like it turns into a sailor shirt. The funny part is

you know how your significant other asks you like sometimes they say like, are you okay or like you're able to mask it a little bit. You can mask it in real life? In this case, you'd be like... Yeah. But on the flip side, do you like when everyone in the room,

you walk into a room and you kind of know that nobody likes you? Are you in a good mood? Yeah, I'm fine with it. You're fine with it? Because I would assume Mike's always fine with it. that nobody would want to hear your Mickey Mouse voice and you would annoy everyone.

And so your good mood would never happen. You know what I mean? Well, hi there, wifey! And then she just walks away. I hate you so much. Yeah, now they're Donald Duck because you're selling Mickey Mouse. I think I got to choose Donald Duck here. It's going to keep me away from being angry.

It'll diffuse situations. If you are angry, no one's going to understand you're going to look like an idiot. And apparently you're going to have no pants on. Yeah, and if I say something that I could regret, nobody knows. Yeah, all right. Let's get into some questions. nobody knows yeah all right let's get into some questions that's a great question francisco from patreon has a wonderful question for us francisco from patreon says without using numbers how tall are you

oh that's a good... Oh, man. How tall are you? My first thought was to go into how they measure horses by hands. But then you'd have to say a number. You'd have to say, like, I'm 11 hands. So describe your height to somebody real quick. Now I go to percentages. Now I think, like, a fraction, which I still can't use.

You can't do that. You can't even say, like, a chair and a half, can you? I'm four-sixths of a doorway. No, you can't do that you can't even say like a four sixth of a doorway no you can't do that at all how tall is the stop sign oh wait i'm guessing it's an octagon so it's got to be eight feet is there anything that's exactly i think that's anything that's a certain shape is a certain height nicely done nicely done so the problem is if you say a stop sign so you're really trying to find an object exactly Anything that's a certain shape is a certain height. Oh, nicely done. Nicely done. So the problem is if you say a stop sign. So you're really trying to find an object exactly your height. You have to find one.

You have to find. Well, no, because I could say half. If I find it double. Well, I just did. I just said a chair and a half. And you said you can't say a chair and a half. So if you say half. I'm spelling it out in my mind.

I'm not going one over two. I'm going H-A-L-F. But it stands for one over two. It's the word version. How do you describe your height? So, okay, if you stood up a king mattress. Okay. About that.

Yeah. That's taller than you. That's a good one. That's taller than you. Your feet aren't about to hang off the edge of the king mattress. You let the king mattresses talk over here, Mr. Twin Mattress. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

I feel like I am like a young orange tree. A young orange tree? Yeah. Like I'm a, you know, first fruit season of an orange tree. Oh, my gosh. That's about my height. Yeah, the police officer looking for you is going to find you there. Oh, I said first. In that statement, did you say a number?

Dang it. This is impossible. If you stood in a pool and then the water was right at the top of your head. Oh, the deep end. That's about how tall I am. I'm the deep end. I'm the deep end. Yeah.

How tall was the officer? About the deep end. I'm the deep end. Yeah, I'm a... How tall was the officer? About the deep end of a pool. Wait, he was nine and a half feet? That dude's outstandingly tall. No, you say a diving pool. Sir, how deep is your pool? There's no deep end in a play pool. You don't call it the deep end.

A deep end is only in a diving pool. So, you got to say... We're now just in a different discussion, Jason. Yeah, you've never been in my pool, man. Which, I mean, where's my invite, Mike? Classic argument from a... I think we know where it is. From a baby fruit tree argument right there.

Yeah, I'm a baby fruit tree. He's a baby fruit tree. I think that works. It's just the most ridiculous description of a person I've ever heard. Mike's a king mattress. Stood up. I'm a young orange tree. A young handsome orange tree.

A young handsome orange tree. Very vigorous. Bearing so much fruit. Just so bountiful. Oh, my juice is sweet. It's loose. Pulpy. You have pulpy juice, yes.

And I'm the deep end, so we're moving forward. You're the deep end. Are there any of these that are your favorite descriptor there, Al? I really enjoyed Jason painting that very unclear picture. Thank you. Sam from Twitter, if the supermarket was a video game, oh, another video game question, what would be the achievements? What would you name them and what would you have to do to get them?

So the supermarket is a video game. What are the achievements? I would say one of the hidden achievements would be the accidental return to the same aisle that you were on. That's very long for an achievement name. The double back achievement. Oh, double back. That's good.

I'll go with the Explorer. It means you found the food and you didn't have to ask three times which aisle is the spaghetti sauce in. Very nice. That's just the shopper, Mike. The shopper, Mike. The shopper knows where to go. No, but you don't have to ask. Yeah.

No, supermarkets are a place. You talk about single-player and multiplayer games. I want the single-player supermarket experience. Oh, you do? I don't want the pressure. I want to be able to just have infinite time because I'll get everything I need if I have three hours. I am always amazed how well these people know their stores.

They do. Where you're like, yeah, I need, look, I need... Kidney beans. Yeah, yeah. I need the kidney beans. Oh, yeah. Go down to aisle four.

Halfway down, on your left, on the bottom. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, how do you have this entire store memorized so when i it's incredible when i look about a baby tree height and that's where the kidney beans are when i was uh 16 years old i got one of my first real jobs at staples maybe you've seen it it's a office supply superstore. Is that a brag? Yeah, huge Staples brag here.

I worked at OfficeMax for like two weeks, bro. I know what it's about. I remember the first week that I was there, customers would come up. You had to greet the customer. If you saw a customer and didn't go greet them, you got in trouble. Oh, the secret shopper. He'll get you. Exactly.

So you always had to greet them. And every time, they wanted to know where something was. But I didn't know I was there for a week. I was like, let's go try to find it. And then I was just an escort, an explorer, trying to find it. But after you're there for a little while, and especially you unload a couple trucks, because you're fearful of having those customer questions, I knew where everything was. It's amazing.

Yeah, it's really crazy. Here's the where everything was down to the amazing. Yes. It's really crazy. Here's the thing. Getting back to the question, an absolute, I think the biggest win, the high achievement is the express checkout. You know,

finding that you found the shortest lane because you're always as soon as you get, you're always trying to pick the shortest lane, but it's like, dang it. I got the slow checkout person or they're writing a check. The person in front of me is writing a check. Or they're using coupons.

They're clipping out their coupons and I picked the wrong aisle. Picking the right aisle, I think, is a huge achievement. Is there any way that you can not rudely claim a spot in two lines? Is there any way that you could... You know how you're trying to pick the line? You're like standing in the middle, like hedging?

Yeah, some way to like... Because you know you're just playing the odds here. You think you've got... You might have the shorter line, but you've got the worst cashier. That happens. Cashier's twice as slow. Honestly, if they had

one line that fed into multiple lines, wouldn't that actually be more efficient? There are some places that do that. 100% of the time. Well, not 100% because you have to unload your cart. So it might be a little less efficient because of the next in line cart unloading process.

Yeah, so Al Borland's bringing up Fry's Electronics, which Fry's Electronics, they are the absolute master of the impulse buy because that the you have a two and a half mile line to go through where it's all grabbed and it's everything it's like from a computer printer to chocolate covered peanuts everything in the entire store is in that that impulse buy section how do they do do you want to know the percentage of time that i don't buy something in that i know it's zero percent it is zero percent i mean you're a human you don't even go to buy anything you just go i need a battery powered yeah i need a new flashlight that fits in my pocket. Yeah. This USB cord is only $9.99? I probably will need this at some point in time. There's so many deals, I can't turn them down.

I don't have a... I haven't seen that soda in 20 years. They have everything. Yeah. So I would say that the Express Checkout, if you want one of those hidden achievements, that's when you're in the line and another one opens up and they say, sir,

we can take you right here. All right. You don't, you don't get to be in control. Do I don't, I don't think they have them anymore, but do you guys remember when they used to have like the automatic coupon dispenser in the aisles?

Like there was, it was like a, like a red machine. Yeah. That was super cool as a kid. Yeah. And you would take it and then another one would come. There's probably an achievement for emptying one of those.

Yes, for sure. I remember when I was in college, there's never been one of those machines I didn't grab something from. And I have never used anything from them. No, no one ever has. Dino from the website, someone hands you a box of everything you've lost in your entire life what are you most excited to see oh my goodness jason's looking and he's just wondering my box because jason's gigantic my box is uh it's an aircraft carrier and then i'm not excited to find anything on that

because now i've got to go find things i mean i've lost more than i've had in my life like i don't know how it's possible but i've lost more than i found i have definitely lost more than i found i lose everything i mean i've got here you you know, for the YouTube watchers, I have a cup full of pins right next to me. These will be gone by the time I go to bed. I don't know where they go. How many pins used to be in there? How many pins used to be in there?

Probably 600 or 700. Everything around me just disappears. So would the aircraft carrier be like 500,000 pins, 500,000 pairs of sunglasses, 500,000? There is nothing valuable on that aircraft carrier would be like 500,000 pins, 500,000 pairs of sunglasses, 500,000. There is nothing valuable on that aircraft carrier. Nothing. I mean, as a conglomerate. So you haven't lost a wedding ring.

You haven't lost anything important. The most expensive thing I could think that I lost were my very nice prescription Ray-Ban sunglasses. The Pacific Ocean decided to swallow those when we were in Santa Monica for a live show. Now, did you guys in elementary school... How many wallets would be on that aircraft carrier? More than two. Of Jason's? More than two.

I'm just curious how many of Jason's old wallets... Because it would more be like you just finding old pictures of yourself in old wallets and like... I just realized what i'd be most excited about i had uh an airplane ride as a child and this is back when uh we all were wearing hippie sex you're wearing the fanny pack because like this was this was the hotness sure we were all i don't remember a time when we were all you guys you guys are liars you know when people were wearing i remember yeah yeah i never called them a hippie sack. Well, okay. What did you call them?

A fanny pack. Okay, well, that's fine. I said it's both. Whatever. We're good. Go on. But I had one, and this thing was full of my like I was collecting bottle caps, so I had a bottle cap collection going on there, and I had like some legit Beavis and Butthead

trading cards. And I lost them all because I unbuckled on the airplane. And I forgot to put it back on. So kids, don't take your fanny pack off when you're on the airplane. Important life lesson there. You're going to lose it. Also, the bottle caps make me think you're 174 years old. I was collecting bottle caps. See, you can get a nickel for each one of these caps

This was last week In between games of jacks He would collect bottle caps You guys remember when everyone was wearing Fanny packs right last week When it was soup school People are wearing them again I've brought this up on the show before

But apparently I would have all my magic the gathering cards I don't know where those went I'm sure my wife threw them out That know where those went. They'd be back. I'm sure my wife threw them out. That's where they went. My wife was like, oh gosh. Nerd alert. Getting back to fanny packs, which is where we all want to be.

Fanny packs are a perfect example of an item that is 100% practical. 100%. It helps every person that has ever... No one has ever used a fanny pack and been like this was a waste of my time and yet because of the stigma of wearing a fanny pack you won't do it you want to know the place that i genuinely almost always wear a fanny pack it's glorious and i don't care about the shame is disneyland

yeah because yeah because you could do any there's the fashion rules go completely out the window when you're at disneyland it's all about practicality like to me the fanny pack the cash like who who has cash on them in general normal life but you walk up to that churro stand you want to just get in and out throw some dollar bills down and you gotta you know i don't want to shove my pockets full of loose ones and change that's a fanny packs job because they have no others there's no other way to possibly contain and store dollar bills than just crumpling them into your pockets that's right well, my wallet is a cashless wallet. I've got one of those tiny front pocket wallets.

I can't put cash in that. I feel like we could make fanny packs cool. Because they are cool right now, man. If I had two holsters, but they weren't holsters, they were both fanny packs. That'd be cool, right? Mike has the coolest fanny pack that I've seen. You do? It is disgusting and awesome. It is your belly button fanny pack that i've seen you do it is disgusting and awesome it is your belly

button fanny pack on the front of this fanny pack is the picture of a his skin tone just a belly button a real hairy exposed belly and i have i have fooled this. That one's come through for years. It's funny every time. Corey from the website, you can spawn one fictional item. What would it be? So you could go Harry Potter's wand. You've got to go magic. It's just do you go wand or do you go the lamp? The the lamp the lamp is that's what jumped out i mean because here's now you have three but you're gonna have a lightsaber

jason the lightsaber would be cool but you want to know what i could also have with the lamp a lightsaber plus two other cool things here's my problem with the magic wand the the one is magical but i am not so i will yeah you're a muggle i will wave around this one and nothing will happen to try to ruin the lamp for you technically the genie is freed and is not in the lamp you would be freeing jafar if you used it so what lamp i mean i am just getting a from any movie i'm just getting a genie in the lamp. That's it. It doesn't have to be from specifically Aladdin 1. There are plenty of stories. Yeah, you've seen the DuckTales movie. Way to ruin it and not find something else.

Thank you. You're welcome. It's so hard to answer these questions and not just go right to lightsaber. It's the coolest possible thing you could ever have. Wish number one, a purple lightsaber. Wish number two, a blue lightsaber. Wish number two, a blue lightsaber. Wish number three, a red lightsaber.

How about the Starship Enterprise? Oh, man. If it was real. Are you not thinking big enough, Mike? See, this is why the lamp is always best. Because that's one of my three things. Which is why I'm trying to get you away from the lamp so you can come up with the actual ideas.

But how could you? I mean, so here's the question now is what are you going to get with your three wishes? I will summon a fictional item that stops you from getting the lamp. That will be my item. That's very aggressive. That's very selfish. I was looking forward to this lamp. Other fictional items.

That sounds pretty awesome. Oh, you just made me think of the gauntlet. I mean, give me the Infinity Stones, and I can do just about anything. Doesn't Doctor Who have, like, a time travel machine? I've heard people really like Doctor Who. People love Doctor Who. My wife. Do you guys watch Doctor Who. People love Doctor Who. My wife. Do you guys watch Doctor Who at all?

Have you ever seen it? I've walked through the room when my wife has watched it every single time without question. I've made fun of her like she's wearing a fanny pack. I mean, just unequivocal looks so stupid every time, but I know it's great. What's that thing called? It's called a telephone booth. The truck door. Yeah, I don't know what it's called,

but nerdy. Here's what's crazy. It's nerdy if you haven't seen it. Exactly. It's the TARDIS. Ah, the TARDIS, yes. Jason literally just talked about all his magic cards. And if you watch Doctor Who,

you're a nerd. What a nerd. Yeah, I mean, the reality is I would love it if I watched it. I've never watched it, so it's so stupid. Yeah, you would get something from Battlestar Galactica. Oh, Battlestar Galactica is fantastic. I have seen half an episode of Doctor Who in passing, and what I saw on the screen was some of the stupidest stuff

I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I mean, I don't think I could get into it because it's also outdated, not necessarily in story, but in just visual effects where I don't know that I could start over. They look like old Star Trek. That's my problem.

Leonard Nimoy Star Trek. There's like 30 seasons. I mean, there's an insane amount of them. It's insurmountable. I can't possibly watch them from the beginning, and I can't jump in now. I'm not going to know what's going on. I really don't think there's very many seasons, Mike.

I think Mike's right. There's 12 seasons. That's a lot of seasons. Just the new version? Oh, is there an older one? I think Mike's right. There's 12 seasons. That's a lot of seasons. Just the new version? Oh, is there an older one? I thought so. We're just three guys talking about a show we've never seen. Really, really cool, not

nerds talking about Doctor Who. Alright, let's do some drafting. The Spitballers draft oh my favorite color is blue all other colors are stupid all right we are drafting and jason has the first pick uh stress relieving activities so what things i mean this is probably if you if you're on youtube you see my background it's a very you know it's like a sunset and it's very calming um it's spectacular relaxing music could be playing right now mike you've got some music that you could add to the oh do you want me you

want me to figure that out while jason's getting his pickle set up please so what are some things that are everybody needs this some tips yeah, look, sometimes we're stressed. There it is. Here we go. Everybody hear what's going on? We need to play this music. And when we play, you know where you hear this music? Oh, don't take my pick.

You hear this music at my first pick. Keep playing that mic because when you go to this spa day and get your massage, all this music is playing and you are relaxed, getting rubbed down. A massage is a great answer. Look, I mean, the spa day is the best thing you can do. Getting the professional massage. Boo this man. That sucks.

Look, my background, I search for like you know spa resort waiting areas because there's nothing better than sitting in there they'll bring you like a mimosa and there's nice music and magazines and you're just waiting in their fancy robe okay but how many times have you been caught at a massage that didn't end up relaxing because you ended up getting like a deep tissue massage or an uncomfortable massage i once because i got a deep tissue massage i didn't know i didn't know at this point i did not know at this point how much that hurt like i you know you don't know whether you like something and you know most relaxing activities yes Yes, exactly. A deep tissue massage. Most relaxing a massage.

I made that mistake a few times. Least relaxing a massage. A deep tissue massage is just torture. And you know how they finish it? They finish the deep tissue massage by saying... By punching you in the face. You might have a fever for a day or two, so drink a lot of water.

Well, this was helpful. I may have gotten you sick over the last hour. I'm getting a hot stones mixed with a Swedish massage. Yes. Yeah. All right. For my pick then, that was a great pick, Jason. It's obviously.

It's a clear one-on-one. It's up there. Now, if it's relaxing enough, it will lead to mine, which is a nap. Oh, it's on my list, which is a nap. Oh, it's on my list. It is on my list. Is, uh,

my Mike is blown away that it's not on his list. He's still never heard. it is on my list. Like, but I mean, like I thought I was drafting massage slash spa day because there is like the one Oh one is still on the board, but please proceed. Please proceed Andy and talk to me about napping. Because the 101 is still on the board.

What? Please proceed. Please proceed, Andy, and talk to me about napping. Well, you see, Mike, it's like nighttime, only during the day. I get it. When I wake up from a nap, I am refreshed. I get it. You've rebooted. It's the brain.

Just like rebooting a computer. It just works better. Well, and I'm trying to relieve stress. So sometimes when you're stressed out, you can't take a nap. Like, I can't fall asleep. You just lay there and get more stressed. That's all. That's all I'm saying. Fair enough.

Fair enough. You have two picks now, Mike. All right. So what is this one on one? Because the one on one is okay. This is not the one on one for jason which is it's sorry bro but i know how much you love i know how much you love a massage day the yes you know so i'm blown away that there's something greater than because i feel like we have mutual respect for a massage

spa day 100 but to me it's like a spa day is, I mean, you got to plan it out. You can't just do it whenever you need to relieve stress. It's exercise, man. Like when you feel like crap, when you are in a bad mood, and that's why it's not the one for Jason. I totally get it. Darn right. I've been stressed all day about exercising. Right.

I've been stressed all day about exercising. But the second you are done exercising, you are going to be stress-free because it is the number one thing. That is the number one lie that I've ever heard on this planet. No, because look, I exercise. I had a personal trainer for a year and a half. I'm riding my spin bike. I'm doing these things. You want to know when I feel the worst is always after exercise.

I'm waiting and spin bike. I'm doing these things. You want to know when I feel the worst is always after exercise. I'm waiting and waiting for this. Like, oh, you're an abortion. There's a difference between stress relieving and feeling bad, though. And Mike's point is that if you exercise, you can actually alleviate stress because you're not thinking about your stress when you're pumping iron or shooting hoops or whatever. At the beginning of it, you are. But then by the end, you feel much, much better. I guess maybe it's just me.

Yeah, speak for yourself. I'm stressed the whole workout, and then afterwards I'm stressed, and then I'm just sweating. Isn't it stress-relieving when you go out and get your butt beat at pickleball? Yes. Yeah, Jason.

I would say that sports activity is stress-relieving to me. I guess that's different than exercise. Is that a different answer? It is. It's definitely like I'll leave that if somebody wants to take that because it's not my number two because I'm just a man of practicality these days. And I don't know if either of you guys have experienced this situation. When you get to a tipping point, you tilt.

And in the right house, it is very known. I do it. My wife does it. It is the rage clean. Oh, yeah. You see the pots and pans out, and you go, that's it. And you just turn into the hulk and you start cleaning for two hours not only do things get cleaned but by the end of it you're like you just you feel like

you went to war with your entire house that that is such a funny one and i will sell my wife down the river on this because i we're about to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. And I think I've seen you do this. Congratulations. Thank you. Maybe one time in our entire marriage. Only once? Well, to this degree is what I'm saying. We had this moment. I don't know what the heck happened to her like two months ago. But one night, you know how you have routines you know you have routines in your house where like certain certain things are acceptable like socks get left in this place or something gets

set on the counter here every day for 15 years everything's been the exact same one night it was what you're saying everything annoyed her everything that could be left out was one of those things that was like oh okay yeah i guess well i'll just clean this up now all right you and i was like click get out of the way and she just needed to have the rage clean yes to calm down the rage clean is hilarious yes you you need to get out of the way another one jason does not identify with these are the worst two picks i've ever heard in in my life the worst two picks you've literally heard in my life, the worst two picks. You've literally picked stress-inducing activities. I am stressed because I need to exercise and clean. Those are the main stress causes.

That's like saying, you want to know what relieves stress? Doing my job at work because it's going to end up paying for my bills. And when my bills are paid off, then I feel good. No, stress, your job brings stress. This is not stress-relieving activities. If you cleaned and exercised, you wouldn't stress, your job brings stress. This is not stress relieving activities. If you cleaned and exercised, you wouldn't be stressed about cleaning and exercising. Get a good rage clean, man.

You'll get a good rage clean. Not happening. Here, you'll identify with this one a little bit better, Jason, my next pick. Why, because it's actually relaxing? It would be enjoying an adult beverage. Okay, there you go. Kick your feet up? Kick your feet up, have adult beverage. Okay, there you go. Kick your feet up?

Kick your feet up, have a drink. Okay. Are you a grown-up? Yeah, where everybody knows your name. Cheers. Cheers. That's around the bottle cap collecting era reference right there. So, Jason, you are back on the clock. I doubt you're going to choose

things in the exercise cleaning vein, but you've got a couple of picks. Yeah. I mean, tempting, tempting, but I would like to relax. I've got a lot of things here I love. I'm going to stick with my ultimate relaxation. And Mike, you brought this up. You're like, well, you go to the spot, you got to plan it, there you got okay all right maybe that can be maybe that can be stressful i don't know how you can be stressed at the event but wait is he gonna do an in-home massage now and do massage and massage no it's close jason is confusing things that are relaxing versus things that are stress relieving no you're gonna you're gonna agree with this one mike things that are stress relieving no you're gonna you're gonna agree with this one mike a bubble bath we've talked about this all right okay all right i'll allow it when you're stressed

and you want it not a lot and you want to fill up that tub and just sink yourself in some warm water peruse your phone read a book uh have any adult beverage a bubble bath it's wonderful yeah you tried to wrap in like five or six pics when you were saying what you were doing in a bubble bath. You know what I mean? That's how I roll. I had to shut that down quick. He's got a massage. He's got a bubble bath.

Alright. Manicure, pedicure, you're done. That's right. Taking care of the body. I love taking care of the body without exercise. That is my primary driving force. You said take care of the body, then you go without exercise. Without exercise.

Fat and shredded. So, all right, man, I could go a couple different ways here, but I don't think I want to lose out on this. Sometimes when you're stressed and you got stuff going on, I want to veg out. I want to lose out on this. Sometimes when you're stressed and you got stuff going on, I want to veg out. I want to turn on that TV. I want to Netflix and chill. You know what I'm saying?

Yep. That's on my list. All right, watching TV. Yeah, it was on my list too. All right. Well, great. Nap, adult beverage. Well, to me, honestly, stress relieving for me is to eat.

It's on my list. It's certainly on my list. And for me, that would be, you know, generally when I think about, you know, you've had that, Mike, you talked about the rage cleaning of the house. about the rage cleaning of the house you also have the days where you and the wife it's been a stressful day and you both look at each other and you both say postmates at the same time or you pull out the tubs of ice cream that to me is stress relieving it's it's not necessarily the healthiest things to do but no sometimes you eat the feelings yeah they call it eating your stress away for a reason they call all those people in my head say, eat your stress away. That's why Jason has no stress.

Exactly. All right. Now, what is insane to me is I guess I'm just being too practical because like the first, literally the first two things that came to my brain exercise it rage cleaning was not like i thought of that later and was absolutely i got to get rage cleaning but like meditation man oh yeah you sit down it's really hard to do it is really really hard to do but meditation man if you can get in the habit of sitting down trying to clear your mind you can absolutely get that stress out of your life and just just think it away or don't think it away i guess as you would say you open the third eye up go explore the universe meditation

andy have you ever meditated in your life uh certainly have uh yeah lots of prayer lots of time yeah there you go yes quiet uh i haven't explored the universe through my third eye prayer, lots of time in quiet. I haven't explored the universe through my third eye any time in the recent history. Haven't been to the astral plane. I was wondering if maybe you had had a few libations before your most recent meditation session.

You got to be clear-headed. I have seven eyes now. Seven eyes. But I'm going to use my third one here. My guess, exercise, cleaning, meditation, and one more pick. Oh, man. I got to go with... So this is different because one is meditation.

I'm going with music, just music in general. Okay. You sit down with music, just music in general. Okay. You sit down, you listen to music. For me, I sit down and I'll play the guitar. I'll get it out. Yeah. I'll rock. I'll rock a little bit.

A rave. A rave. On my acoustic guitar as much as you can rock on the acoustic guitar. But music, I think, is a great way to get rid of your stress. Okay. All right. I was very close to my final answer, and I'm changing because something popped into my head that I have done, not as much recently, but in the past when I was feeling stressed,

go for a drive. Oh, that's a good one. Go for a drive. I've a good one Go for a drive Many times in the past just driving No place I'm trying to go Just me in the car probably listening to music Going for a drive Okay

A good drive by yourself I get it man You got that infinity gas tank You can just go forever I'm surprised here Andy Because I know that you have been spending a lot of time relaxing up in your cabin you know like and how do i get there jason you take the drive but i can't imagine that's the relaxing part right like it is relaxing to to drive to the cabin to drive well alone alone. Just a solo drive. I have not actually done that.

I'm sure that would work, but I can't think of a time in my life. You didn't go alone? Well, no, where I've done that for the purpose of just getting out, just relaxing. Late at night. A late at night drive is pretty nice. You should try it sometime. I know you've done it, Andy. So you've done it, Mike?

You've gone out and just drove around just to clear your head or something? Yeah, I certainly have. I mean, because you kind of get all the stuff like music, like I talked about, whatever you want to listen to, or maybe you're just in silence. And it's somewhat similar to like watching TV where you just turn your brain off. There's a bit of a zoning out that happens. And all of a sudden, you're like, wait a minute. How did I end up here?

But yeah, I like a good relaxing drive. Okay, okay. So now this is me. I'm at the end here. I like that Jason's like, okay, talk to me about the relaxing drive. The exercise, not so much. But the part where I just sit and move, I like that. Yeah, exactly.

Because I have done both of those things. I've driven and I've exercised. And one of those I could see being stress relieving. And one of those is the biggest cause of stress in my life. All right. So look, it's obviously different than your pick. But so I don't deal with a lot of stress. I've just been naturally, I'm not filled with anxiety. I've

had some highs and lows in life, but every now and then, you know, no matter who you are, you deal with stress because of real causes, right? There's, there's stress in your life and unplug and watch a TV or, you know, or, or, or go into the spa. That's great. But you're just kind of, you're just hiding, you know? So I think, I think I'm going to take my last, my last pick here. I'm going to go with prayer, spending time in prayer to actually like, you know, that, because I'm just thinking realistically, like what would I do if I'm actually stressed? Sure. Exactly. Step one, massage day, right? You know, but eventually I'll have to deal with my problems and i'll i'll go into prayer so that's gonna be on my list it should probably be higher but you know i'm just getting

value here eventually getting value so that would be my my my number jason if you want the real logic i mean prayer prayers open 24 7 the massage parlor is only open for a certain part of the day. You know what I mean? I can pray before and after, but I can't go to the massage parlor when it's not open. So, yeah, you hear me loud and clear. All right. Well, that draft went many different directions. So, there you go.

Jason with the massage bubble bath, watching TV, prayer. I went with a nap a drink some eating and some driving and uh exercise cleaning meditation and music for mike now jeremy uh al born himself has thrown out a one final answer that he would include which is to break things just like breaking where are you getting the things to break? And what do you do after it's broken? I guess you get to do another relaxing thing, which is clean. And should we be worried about you?

We're not drafting relaxing things. We're drafting most stress-relieving things. Stress-relieving. That's what I said. And they do have places that you can just go and just break things. They do? Yeah. You pay some money.

They give you a ton of glass objects and sledgehammers, and you just break stuff. Okay, that would be a lot of fun. That would be super fun. As long as Limp Bizkit is playing in the background, I'm in on this. All right, what else you guys got on your list? I had sports on it.

Yeah, coffee shop, books. Unplugging from electronics for a day. Oh. Sometimes that's the most stress-relieving thing is to just stop it. Family time can be very stress-relieving. As long as you're all unplugged. Now, like, I don't pull out the crayons

and the paper anymore, but have you guys ever done any of those, like the coloring iPad apps where you're just like a color book and you're just my color by number actually yeah yeah drawing or stuff like that is very it's the same thing you're talking about mike about getting your brain off of something if you're just drawing or coloring or something like that sure the one that i was close to taking at the end was cuddling whether it's my kids

animals our loved ones like i love like my that's just like i don't know i'm a big cuddly cuddly guy but like when you have a dog in your lap when you've got you know what i mean like yeah my kids my kids on there right my kids will come up and be like out of the blue hey you want to cuddle that is the best moment in life we just we just go you know that that to me is genuinely one of my best stress relieving moments that i have i i love it all right what did we learn today what did we learn today i learned that go ahead i learned that mike's uh reason for all his stress is that he does not know how to relieve stress he goes to exercise and cleaning whenever he's really stressed. This is the best thing that I can do.

I learned the exact opposite. I learned that Jason doesn't know the difference between relaxing and stress relieving. One of Mike's favorite stress relieving activities is to not pay the bills. That's what he did. Yeah. Calmed him down. I learned that fanny packs might be the most practical object

in the known universe and i need to really rethink my utilization of them you're not wrong the most practical hated item of all time there's never been something that is more universally disliked that is actually what about bikers great that's maybe on the list they're like are they really practical they're practical for one particular instance of riding a bike i also don't know how i'm afraid to have my things around alborn i'm worried that he might break them and i learned that uh jason's about as tall as a baby fruit tree oh there you go that'll'll do it. Thank you for listening, supporting the podcast.

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check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, it's Andy. The show's over. Listen, I've got... I've got a... Well, see, that's the right sound, because I got a message from Al Borland. He didn't have the heart to come and tell you himself, but he needs your help. He needs ideas for the show.

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