Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 118: Owl Gets Fired & A Craft Store Battle

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

We’ve got a Liar, Liar segment on the show today ensuring that this episode is not only extremely entertaining - but educational. But first, we discuss life in a world of invisible people, super smart pets, and life without YouTube. We end the show with a fight to the death inside a craft supply store. Somewhere along the way, Owl loses his job. Don’t miss this show! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, before we start today's show, which from my understanding is... Any minute now. It is also the best show we've ever done. The best show we've ever done. We hear all the time... Oh, that was the best. That was the best show. How was every show the best show?

And we're like, well, hey, check this out. Here's how. Because of the Spitwad community. That's how. The Spitwads, you guys listening, supporting our show. You help us out. Go to spitballerspod.com and support the show you can click become a spit wad you get early access to all the shows you get the spit tank where we're going to answer

your questions the way tons of antioxidants oh yes rejuvenating for all skin tons of medications go look if you have any kind of medical problem at all please visit spitballerspod.com become a spitwad there you won't regret it and we appreciate your support now on with the show what happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in. Oh, Jason. Very nice.

The heart is racing. I'm about to have a heart attack. Let's go. Is that different from normal? It's not my... I would say 25% of the time I'm ready for the heart attack. But I would say the majority of my life I'm ready for the heart attack, but I would say the majority of my life I'm, I'm unprepared for the incoming.

You're a little sweaty. If I mean, if I may say so myself, am I, that's a shame. You're glistening just a little bit, but that's because you were scatting and that I get it. You like you right before the show,

you're always going to powder up right before the show. You like, you pulled up sounds from the amazon and like that's how you were preparing yeah i so here's here was my strategy today right because you know i love the scat it's one of your favorite it's one of my favorite things i look i wish i could do it every time but but I let you guys have it every now and then. Rules are rules. Yeah. And I was thinking to myself, I'm an actor. So instead of me doing it, what if I act like Jack Black doing it? And so I put myself right there, and I tried the classic phrase, what would Jack Black do?

Yes, of course. And that's apparently what he would do if I were him. right there and i tried to you know the the classic phrase what would jack black do yes and that's apparently what he would do if i were him so i find that probably 80 of my my mannerisms are if you took jack black and conan o'brien and you just like you fuse them together oh my god weird combo man i think most people do not though i'm just ripping both of them together. Oh my God. That's a weird combo, man. I think most people do not. It's really not though. I'm just ripping both of them off. That's my whole shtick. Well, Jason, you are if Jim Carrey and Jack Black combined.

There you go. Yeah, because I'm like a fat Jim Carrey. Totally get it. No, you just said you channeled him. Oh, absolutely. You didn't just channel his weight. No, I know, but you got to go know your people and that's why i'm his people it's like jim carrey it's the opposite of the rhino scene right right you're climbing in

that's how i see it okay well maybe it's just a regular rhino scene jason's the rhino that's what all i'm trying to say is that jason's rhino. Yeah, nice. Would you rather on the show today, liar, liar, coming back at you, Al Borland going to try to stump us once again. Not this time. Not happening. Nope. Not this time. Never happened.

And we have a great, we have a battle royale. It's been a while since we've battled. And so we get to do that today. Yeah, I plan to, in the Battle Royale, kill you. Okay, all right. That is my plan. Kids, only in a Battle Royale. Right, only in a hypothetical Battle Royale.

I mean, that is the goal, right? Yes, that is the goal. All right, well, there you go. So I will kill you. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, spitballersPod.com is the website. You can join and support the show over there at SpitballersPod.com or jointhespit.com,

however you use the internet. The spitwads are the best. And if you're listening and you're thinking, I love this show, I've really enjoyed it, I want to help support it, you can go to jointhespit.com,

become a spitwad, and otherwise you can be on the outside, and you can be one of those people who aren't Spitwads. Yeah, if you want to freeload or whatever, that's cool. Just make sure that if you're going to freeload, you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. There you go. You're also welcome to head on over to spitwadsquad.com

if you prefer that. Wait, does that work too? It does. Do we have three domains? Yeah, there's innumerable. Well, you should go in order. What word is that, Jason? Innumerable.

That's not right. All right, let's get into it. Would you rather? All right, Drew from Patreon asks this question. Would you rather have the power of invisibility or the ability to read minds knowing that whatever you choose, the rest of the population has the same superpower? Oh, what a good twist. I was like, wait, I feel like we've had a question like this, but goodness, that's a twist. Yeah, nice twist.

We've had a question like this, but goodness, that's a twist. Yeah, nice twist. I had the immediate thought of, one, okay, if someone can read your mind, that's not a good place to be. Sure. Everyone's got those thoughts. That's why they're thoughts, and it's okay, but you don't vomit them out the mouth and everything is okay but then i thought okay wait if everyone can read minds whenever is our society actually slightly improved are we going to be more perfect to each other you can't be dishonest right there is no dishonesty in a

world yeah lying is gone lying is done well Well, and I think what that means is actually that our judgment, we'll let it go a little bit more. Because it's easy to hold on to judgment that nobody can see. But when you're judging someone and everybody knows about it, then you're exposed. So this is like bringing us into the light. Our deeds are already exposed. My deeds might not be that bad anymore. I might not be judging y'all. I'm going to be like, nice hat, Mike.

Nice hat. It's got very deep. Very quickly. But on the other hand, if half of the world is invisible, I'm afraid everywhere I go. I'm literally, I mean, go take, you know. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Where do you feel safe?

Where could you possibly feel safe knowing that half the world? Nowhere. Here's the thing. I would always be invisible. If I had that power, I would just choose. So now the world is empty. It's like, you know, Last Man on Earth style. Everyone's afraid to show themselves.

You're contrarian if you're invisible. I was thinking that i would like live in a house with a a fog machine in every room would that oh with lasers yes yeah that would work i've i've seen what if you were in you're in your house and you decide yeah i'm gonna hook the fog machine up and when you flip that thing on there's 38 people just staring at you. They're all in your home. That would be terrifying. And they all start just shuffling towards the door

because they've been found out. You go to turn that fog machine on, and it's like, oh, it's unplugged again. What is happening? It's just like roaches. Yeah, they all scurry out of the house. So officially, let me read this question again. Would you like to improve society and get rid of judgment

by having deep, dark thoughts exposed so that we don't have them? Or would you like to be fearful of everywhere you go and have someone in the room that you can't see at all times? I'm going with option A. It's a rave everywhere. Smog machines. Okay, that one's great. That was a great question.

Robin from Instagram, would you rather swap the digits in your age or your height in terms of inches, I guess? So wait, what would that be? So I would go from 6'2 to 2'6. Yeah, you'd be 2'6. or i'd go from 36 to 63 i thought well okay so young young and miniature or old and the same height so i am are you going are you going inches so andy you're you're about to reveal well hold on so and, you're 6'4"? Jason's about to reveal. Well, hold on. So Andy, you're 6'4", right? Is that what you're saying?

No, I'm 6'2". Okay, so you're 6'4". So that's 74 inches. So you would be 47 inches. Oh, okay. That's what you meant. All right. So you're just under 4 feet.

Can someone do the math for me for 47 inches? What is that in American? It's about 4 foot. 4 foot is 48 inches. And now I'm looking at mine It's about four foot. Four foot is 48 inches. And now I'm looking at mine because I'm six foot, so I would be 27. So I would be a wee lad. I was all excited because I'm thinking I'm 5'11", and we're switching the inches in the feet, and I'd be 11'5".

That's me. Catch me. Catch me the ball. I'll dunk it. You wouldn't be able to move. That's what he said, in inches. Yes, because if I was 11 foot 5 inches, I would be proving my Yao Ming NFL method true that I can just throw me the ball five feet out there.

I'll fall to the ground. And I would be six inches tall because it would be zero six. Now, that's right. You'd be zero feet six inches. I'd be smashed. I would no longer exist. It doesn't matter what my height is. I can't choose the reverse age. Unfortunately, I am 38, which means I would be 83. And I am not going to choose to have my life be near the end that close. I mean, I do plan on living to be 128. Right. Wait, hold on.

We all do, actually. Your plan went from you aren't making it past, what, 36? 36. You're not going to make it past 36 to now you're going the distance to over 120? Yeah, I mean once you pass the... What happened?

Elon Musk happened. I learned that I wasn't going to die, Mike. I mean once I didn't die at 36. You're a lawnmower, man. The young people die at 128 with Elon Musk's world. You are currently 71 inches, so you would be 17 inchesmower, man. So how tall would I be? The young people die at 128 with Elon Musk's world. You are currently 71 inches, so you would be 17 inches. Oh, man.

So this sucks either way for me. I'm either 83 years old or 17 inches. Do I get to start growing again? Nope. Just horizontally. Oh, man. That's actually a really tough question then. 17 inches. Would you rather be 17 inches tall so you're a foot

less than a foot and a half yeah or that's why you're 83 years old what could you do if you became let's just explore this for a second if if we all became a foot and a half tall today it's the matt damon movie what happens to your life oh yeah yeah where they all got downsized or whatever did anyone see that movie no No, I wanted to see it, but everyone said it sucked. I look so promising. Look, I can tell you I saw about a quarter of that movie. Oh, no.

And you don't have... It lived up to the billing because, I mean, I don't know. Maybe the ending is fantastic, but everybody said it was terrible. And then I started... I was like, it looked good. So I put it on. I'm like, this is trash. It was bad. It was a bad get go. It's sad. But what would life be like?

Like if I'm a foot and a half. You're carried around, right? People are carrying you around. Oh, for sure. I'm in someone's backpack. I mean, that's. Like Yoda. Yoda's like one seven.

No, Yoda's like four, three. Not baby. You'd be baby Yoda. No, he's not. Oh, baby Yoda. Yeah. Yes. Real Yoda is like three and a half feet at least yeah

yeah he's a little bit bigger think about star wars metrics are off i yeah i mean i you just have to rely on everybody for everything so i think i'm going to take the reverse of my inches and height and i will be 11 feet 5 inches oh so you took the option that you don't have good That is correct. All right, Tyler from Twitter. Would you rather have your pet's lifespan doubled or their IQ tripled? By the way, according to Al Borland, Yoda is 2 feet 2 inches tall. Oh, who was closer? Yoda bomb.

Who was closer? Yoda bomb. I don't know that you're closer. Three and a half feet to two feet? Oh, no, you're closer. Okay. That's pretty simple math to figure out. Look, sir, if you include mathematics, fine.

Maybe you're closer. All right. So Yoda is short. And would you rather have your pet's lifespan doubled or their IQ tripled? Oh, wait. Oh, my dog? Yeah. The problem is if you triple the IQ of a dog, I would really want that lifespan extended.

I mean, that's the best dog of all time. Okay. You think triple a dog's IQ is a big difference? No, that's a big problem. It's a big problem? Yeah. Yeah, well, I guess... Wouldn't you have to go more than triple on a dog to get it to a level where it's not a dog?

Here's immediately where I went. Like, my dog, she's a pretty smart dog, but when we leave, she goes in the kennel. Now, and so that was my immediate thought. If this dog's IQ is triple, and we're like, yeah, go hang goes in the kennel. Now, that was my immediate thought. If this dog's IQ is triple and we're like, yeah, go hang out in the kennel, she's not going to have any of that nonsense. But I guess if you triple the IQ of a dog, they don't really need to go in a kennel. You give them the remote because they know how to watch the television. You say, watch the house.

And they talk back and they say, you got it. I am stuck on the idea that if you triple a dog's IQ, you can hand them a remote control and they can talk to you. Is that the level we're at? This is because you hate dogs, Andy. Yeah, you don't realize how smart they are, man. I mean, there are dogs that can go and use a toilet. And they don't have triple the IQ.

But they're not going to understand your, they're not going to talk to you with triple the IQ. Look, they're not gaining new vocal cords, but they will understand everything I say. They might not be able to speak the language, but they can understand. I mean, they understand a lot of what I say now. Dogs, you know, you could train them to know what certain sounds mean. This means they're going to know the language. Dude, they can smell out the COVID, man.

I mean, Dogs are insane. So there's at least one study that I've spent years looking this up in the last second. And average dogs can learn up to 165 words, which is similar to maybe a two-year-old child, including signals and gestures. That's just words. The top 20% in intelligence worldwide of dogs can learn almost 250 words i'm just trying to quantify tripling the iq of a dog but you told me you triple an iq that's not tripling the the words it's not like you go from 200 to 600 it's no but i'm trying to

understand what a basic iq of a dog is that's all. That's fair. That's a fair question. To me, a dog with triple IQ. It's a two-year-old IQ. To me, my dogs are way smarter than a two-year-old. I feel like it's a problem. This is a situation where the dog's like, wait a minute. You're my pet? I'm a pet?

Right, that's fair. It's an episode of Rick and Morty where all of a sudden the dog is sentient and the dogs take over the world. It's a problem. Well, it's only one dog, so he's not taking over the world. It's a really, really depressed dog because none of the other dogs are on the level. No, but you treat. I would not treat. That dog's not getting dog food.

If I've got a super smart sentient dog, he's eating at the table with me, and he's doing it brilliantly. Can we get back to the point of this conversation, which is basically that Mike can put things into a kennel as long as they have a low IQ? As long as they're stupid. If my kids were dumb enough, I'd kennel them. That's what I think the focus of this conversation is. Wait, we're not all in agreement upon this?

No, I mean, I guess if they didn't know, you know, get in there and kittle them. Remember when your kids were babies or toddlers that didn't have huge IQs and you would put them in? And you kettled them? You kettled them? You don't remember putting your babies in a kennel? You don't think that a play pack is a kennel? That's a kennel, dude. I love it that, okay, you might be right there, but I love that Mike thought that the main thing here

is he was getting one over on his dog, that he's got him in this kennel. I am. And he's going to get hip to you if he gets smart. She's also like super excited to see me every time I come home. Yeah, that would go away quickly with a better IQ. Instead of like, oh, it's him again. Instead of Conan O'Brien's back.

So the actual question of the length of the dog's life versus the intelligence of the dog. I would love, I don't see this as a problem. I would love to have my dog be super intelligent. I'm not going to have to worry about potty training. He'll bark when I want him to bark and not bark when I don't want him to bark. He'll have a little bit more control over what he, he you know he'll know what he should and shouldn't do yeah but you think you're controlling here's what i'm saying is i would you know if you're not upping the lifespan every dog after that is gonna be the worst it's just gonna be the worst dog

ever and i plan to have a dog my whole life. But that smart dog will be able to like, he'll probably write up his own will and stuff. My dog dish goes to Isaac. What is he giving away? I'm just saying he's probably going to be able to deal, he'll rationalize with his own death a little bit differently than the other. Yeah, I'm going to take the longer lifespan.

Yeah, me too. I love my current dogs. And Sugar, she's so sweet. She's so stupid. She could use the up IQ. I love her. A triple would just make her on the level of the other dog? That would make her like our other dog.

That's right. So I guess this really does matter what your current dog is, right? You tripled IQ of a smart dog. That would make her like our other dog. That's right. So I guess this really does matter what your current dog is, right? You tripled IQ of a smart dog. How stupid is your dog? I would love Sugar to just be a regular smart dog. That'd be great. So sweet. So stupid. But I'm going to take the long life, give Rocky and Sugar

a longer time with their children. No, you have to pick one. Sophie's choice. Okay, Rocky lives a lot longer. You say you don't have favorites in kids, but I don't have to do one, Sophie's Choice. Okay, Rocky lives a lot longer. I mean, look, you say you don't have favorites in kids, but I don't have to do the same in dogs. Rocky's better. Rocky, greater sign, sugar.

Sugar's sweet. I love sugar, just not as much as Rocky, and that's okay. It's a dog. I get to do that. Yeah, you can get one over on him. Yeah, because they're so stupid. He only kennels sugar. That's right.

Rocky has his own room, his own bed. Mike, I want you to answer it with a final answer here, and then I have a question for Al. Oh, I'm taking the double. The double lifespan? I'm scared of the tripled IQ dog. Yeah, you'd have to sell your kennel and stuff. And Andy will never

take a dog. That's his answer. I think I would go double lifespan for the sake of my kids not having to go through losing a dog and stuff like that until they're in their 30s or something. Al, do we have time for one more Would You Rather or should we move on?

We got time. All right. Let's go. One more. Aaron from Patreon says, Would you rather lose access to youtube but retain retain all social media access or lose all social media access but retain access to youtube my my spider sense tells me aaron is a little bit of the younger demographic because like you're saying it's not essential to you the way it is to the younger demographic? Right. I mean, I use YouTube.

Honestly, if you were able to look at my YouTube history, I use YouTube far more for music. It's easier to find a playlist. It's easier to find just someone streaming a whole bunch of music that i want to listen to and i don't i i've never i never got into the youtube world i missed the boat i mean i see some of the clips on like the facebook i guess because that's because i'm old on myspace you see them on myspace got it look i get the Facebook videos, and I understand that all the people like Rhett and Link, they're sensational. I watch all their food videos, but I watch it on Facebook, and I know they're on YouTube,

but I'm like, ah. Now, to be clear, you have a channel right now on YouTube with over 220,000 subscribers. YouTube is incredible. It is. You should never, ever stop watching YouTube. So here's the thing. It is. You should never, ever stop watching YouTube.

So here's the thing. I'm surprised that you are saying that because when you said, I think he's younger, I thought you were going the opposite. I thought you meant because he's a younger generation, social media is far more important to the core of his life than it is to be like for me. Oh, that's a great question. If I got rid of social media, I think I'd be a happier person. You know what I mean? a happier person. Probably. We all would.

Exactly. We all would. When I got rid of- Yeah, it's a plague, bro. I haven't used Facebook in five years, partly because our former business revolved around Facebook, and I was just crazy burnt out. And so I don't use Facebook, and I don't miss it at all. There's not like, oh, man. But you use Twitter all the don't miss it at all there's not like oh man i wonder

what's twitter all the time and it's because it's a job it's a job for me i walk off of twitter sorry guys come on i get that you're you putting stuff out on twitter is part of the job uh but to me like twitter is a news source i I get tons and tons of breaking news. It's like a normal news source, but just way more depressing. Listen, here's what came to mind, because I just built a computer with my 11-year-old son, and it took like a day and a half, and we were putting all these parts together. All my research, how everything worked when I got to a tough part was I had like 10 YouTube videos I could watch of other people doing it. And it was like, I actually thought to myself after we were done, I was like,

man, what would I have done? I would have had to call somebody that knew how to do this. If they didn't, I would have had to buy a book. It probably would have been shipped to me in six to eight months. And then I would have had to learn in the book and i could just watch i mean 20 years ago you know it was just so easy to learn now but how to do something 70 like i said of my youtube is watching music in and listening to music the other 30 is how to change a flat tire oh everything everything is how how to change windshield wipers oh how to build back to youtube. Back to YouTube for the flat tire. Literally, the greatest learning platform, the greatest educational platform is YouTube for me.

For sure. I have a degree in YouTube. And I can't get rid of YouTube from my life. So I'm cutting social media out. But I did wonder, could you pivot? Let's say YouTube didn't exist, right? For music. Mike, you like music. Well, just go to Vimeo.

Yeah, no, or Apple Music or Spotify. I could go anywhere, but I'm just trained to go to YouTube. Can you find DIY videos on Facebook video? Are there enough other platforms? Because this question is specific. The main video platform is gone, or all social media platforms are gone. No, because only, I mean, maybe something would fill the gap, but YouTube, the reason it works is no matter what you search, there's five videos on it.

Yeah. I'm keeping the YouTube, man. I'm keeping YouTube. You guys talked me into it. All right. Yeah. Get out of here, social media. Al, you're keeping YouTube, right?

For sure. All right. Also, make sure you follow us on IG, twitter that's spitballers pod it's really important and we love uh the interaction there that's right all right it's time for liar yes liar liar pants on fire as time passed, this segment has become more and more my favorite segment on this show. Because it is the White Whale.

We have not yet defeated Al. What are the odds that over the amount of times we've played this game, there are three of us that not one of us have ever answered all three questions correctly. There's only three questions. I'm pretty sure you could figure it out.

I'm no math wizard. No, do you guys remember statistics of how this would work? Look, and I get it. Everyone listening is... You're saying the three of us could game the system by playing this, right? No, no, just the chances of one of us. So it's one out of three, and there are three different questions. So is that three times three times three?

Why don't you YouTube it, and we can figure that out. That's a great point. That's how you'd answer the question. I feel like it's one times three times three, but I think that's how you do the statistics. I don't know. This is not the world. The answer is zero percent. We have the research.

Oh, man. Talking smack. I was so ready to whoop you last time, Al, and I am going to hoop all over your parade here. All right. Three rounds, three facts per round. One of them is a bold-faced lie. We must defeat Al Borland today.

Round one. Fact one. we must we must defeat alboron today round one fact one male pandas do a handstand while peeing on trees to maximize the odor field oh man that's a dangerous move pandas it makes sense and it reminds me have you guys ever seen on youtube you ever seen a bat a bat take a pee yes is it upside down well of course because bats no bats hang upside down but then they they right side up and they use their little hook wings and they hang on and then they just let it go yeah fact number two there is an island between california and hawaii known as the pacific bird it is 30 meters wide and features a 120-foot tall natural rock formation that greatly resembles a giant hand giving passerbys the middle finger. That is inappropriate, Pacific Bird.

There's a possibility that Al is now inventing geography. That's great. And then fact three, an apple that you purchase in a supermarket was harvested approximately eight to twelve months before you buy it no way no way no way way you know what stinks what stinks is al borland is now even more determined to defeat us yeah and i can feel it with these three facts oh yeah because the second fact here the pacific bird it's so long and so specific that i i want to say i don't respect owl enough that he would come up with all that but i but now

i i still don't respect them but i know i should i should respect bird it's ridiculous he's flipping the bird it's so specific that it's got to be the lie here's what i know an apple there's no there's no stinking way that it was harvested approximately eight to 12 months ago. Because if that's the case, they know when they're harvesting these apples, this will rot in 12 months and 14 days. Because you bring an apple home from the grocery store, you got a shelf life. I don't know. I have thought to myself many times, because we do apples in the fridge because i like a i like a cold crisp apple do people not do apples in the fridge monsters i don't know monsters don't do apples okay well okay we're all three in the fridge with our apples all

right all right i wasn't sure if it was like everybody does it some people do their milk in the fridge i'm doing it on the counter my point is i have we've i've done the apples in the fridge. My point is I've done the apples in the fridge and I know that a fridge extends shelf life and stuff, but I have several times thought to myself as I grab an apple like, wow, apples last a really, really long time. You know,

as you're saying that, I have You know you've thought it. We've been doing fondue recently in the Moore household. And bragging about it. Oh, yes. Is this a horrible brag? Farting in the glasses and smelling it too?

What is happening? Well, of course, but that's been years. We've been doing a lot of fondue. And so we have these green apples that we bought, and they've just lasted forever. We bought a new bag of green apples, assuming that our old one was probably too old. I bring it out. I was like, this is a perfectly fine apple no no no i'm i'm locking in the apple ones to lie i'm locking it in i i we buy apples all the time they get they start to go bad they start to get a little bit soft and soggy and brownie and no but that's because they were harvested 12

months ago oh and they just 12 months they last 15 days in my house and then they're done it's impossible that that's true that's my lie i'm like i'm just going with my gut there all right i think i think that the 8th 12 months cannot be true cannot be true i think that the pacific bird is far too specific which means i think that al borland wrote it so i am taking the first one i'm taking male pandas do a handstand while peeing on trees because the other two are so clearly lies that he's trying to dupe me and two of them are true right yes yes so i'm saying that both of those things i think are lies are true and that male pandas are doing a handstand while peeing upside down.

Oh, you're going reverse psychology. That's the lie. Reverse psychology. I see through you, owl. Okay. There's a lot of Princess Bride thought process going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got us tilting.

Okay. Mike, lock it in. Look, I've got to take it. Take the bird, Mike. I've got to do it. This is for the team. This is for Team Spitballers here. All right. The Spitwad Squad. I've got to, I've got to do it for, this is for the team. This is, this is for team spit ballers here. All right.

The spit wad squad. Uh, I've got to lock in. I've got a lot. Spit wad squad.com. I've got to lock in the Island because I think one of us has a chance. I think it, I think it's false. And, um, look, he has us having to do this is terrible. Stupid.

All right, Al. All right. Mike takes the W on that one. The island is completely made up. Yes. Yes. And yes, your apples are harvested 8 to 12 months before you buy them, and they're stored in a refrigerated device that removes the oxygen to prevent decay. That's amazing.

I didn't think about storage like that. That makes so much sense. I was thinking they're just sitting out. I'm stupid. So wait, pandas pee upside down? Yeah, they do. We're burying the leech here. By getting their urine higher up on the tree, it makes the odor field wider to mark their

territory. Can't you just climb the tree a little bit versus the whole handstand? I can promise you that if I... Can't you just aim? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, if I were to do a handstand, my urine would be lower than if I tried to get it high while standing.

I'm so disappointed already. All right, round two. It's all... Mike is our only hope. Fact one. Elmo, the Muppet, created by Jim Henson, is the only fictional character to have received knighthood, an honorary doctorate, and a Nobel Prize.

Okay. Okay. That sounds true. I could see that. Yeah. People love Elmo. Yeah, they do. Especially the queen.

There exists a biologically immortal species of jellyfish known as the Turritopsis dohrinia. It can reach full maturity and then revert to infancy. That's 100% a fact. I know that. That's 100% a fact. Really? You know that's a fact? Yeah, I know that's a fact.

Where have you heard that one? I've just read it. I've read it somewhere, Jellyfish Magazine or something. I don't know. Jellyfish Weekly. You just saved it because I would have locked that in immediately. I think we're going to help it in. No.

This is the lie, this third one. To avoid traumatic brain injury, woodpeckers wrap their tongues around their skulls in a small empty cavity to help cushion the blows. I love this so much because, Andy, if you're sure that the second one is true, I am sure that the third one is true. Oh, you are? Which means Elmo is a liar. Oh, yeah. They absolutely. That's true. I think they do. It makes sense, man. The skull thing? I've never heard that one. sure that the third one is is true which means elmo is a lie oh yeah they absolutely that's that's true i think they do it it makes the skull thing i've never heard that one oh man we're gonna have

to choose our own i am gonna trust you andy i'm taking elmo as a lie and my guess my guess here with owl and his deceitful ways is that like elmo has uh you know received a Nobel Prize. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't do that to us. He's never done that. No, but I think it would be. He made it all up. Right. But what if three different Muppets had received these, but no one had all three?

That's what I think the truth is. So I'm taking Elmo. I'm locking Elmo in as the lie. They wrap their tongues around their skulls. I'm taking that one as the lie. That one's the lie. I'm going woodpecker liar. So I trust Andy.

Andy doesn't trust me. Mike, where are you at? Yeah, apparently. Birds are weird. That's what I know. Solid. Jurassic Park taught us that they are dinosaurs. Yes, they were dinosaurs.

Now they are dinosaurs. Yes. Yes, they were dinosaurs. Now they're birds. They can do very, very bizarre things. And they got... Look, I know this about birds. They have tongues. Yep. Factual information. You're really working through this like a genius.

Look, when you don't know, you have not much to go on, you grasp for the information you know. I'm going with Elmo. There's no way that jellyfish. Andy's ruined us here. I'm locking in the Elmo is the lie. Come on, Mike. Come on, Mike. Al?

What was your answer, Andy? I'm sorry. The woodpecker. Okay. Just making sure. Mike and Jason got that one right. So Mike's on pace here. All right, Mike.

I should have trusted you. I knew the jellyfish one was true. And Jason, I'm offended that you thought I would take something that close to accurate. It's completely made up. Oh, that is actually a really good lie. If it wasn't for Andy knowing the second one, I would say it's impossible that a species is immortal. And can we talk about that for a second?

We need to spend some more time on that, yes. That should be a whole podcast. Maybe we should reach out to the Stuff You Should Know guys, talk about this immortal species of jellyfish, because that is unfathomable. They Benjamin Button. It can revert to infancy. I've read about this before, and I was like, wow. Dude, I was... That's incredible.

Yeah, they obviously can still succumb to predators and stuff, but they're biologically immortal. Boo-doo-doo-doo-doo. That is... That's insane. That is an insane fact. So have they, like... When you came across this, Al Borland, did they say the oldest known jellyfish in existence?

Did they like... No, I didn't see anything about that. Now looks to be eight years old. It's probably pretty hard to tag a jellyfish. We got a carbon datum, man. Oh, that's crazy. All right. All right.

Come on, Mike. Take us home. All right. Here we go. Using genome editing tools,vard scientists were able to store an animated gif of a galloping horse in the dna of bacteria that doesn't make any sense oh it makes sense man ones and zeros it makes sense everything is ones and zeros fact number two the opposite of paranoia is called pronoia, the suspicion that everyone is conspiring to help you.

Oh, my goodness. That seems like such a lie. Pronoia. That would be great if you had that. Oh, my gosh. Wait, hold on, hold on. You trying to help me? You trying to help me again?

Wait a minute. Are you on my side here? I'm a little paranoid right now. This guy's paranoid. Due to selective breeding, this is fact three. Due to selective breeding, the average modern horse now puts out the equivalent of 1.2 horsepower compared to the output calculated when the term was originally coined in the 18th century by James Watt.

That has to be true. I mean, it's just so clear and obvious. I mean, look at every species. Also, why do we use horsepower now? Like, what is happening? Because it's a frame of reference, right? Like, if we said, you know, this has 1,000 gigajoules of power. That means nothing to me. Okay, Jason.

How powerful is a horse, Jay? How is one horsepower? I get what you're saying, but I'm not comparing it to a horse. I'm not comparing it to a horse. I'm comparing it to a 300 horsepower car. I know the frame of reference. I know that metric now.

I don't think think now if i had 300 horsies over here uh i could run really fast all right i think that one's true i think that one makes sense i think that that uh that one's a lie i'm gonna believe that believe that when they determined horsepower, they quantified it at that point in time. Does that mean if we go by true horsepower that cars are slower now? Like, well, it was 300 horsepower car, but now it's 250 horsepower. Horses got a lot stronger. If they updated it, yeah. Well, that's what they're saying.

Horses did get stronger. Yeah. And it makes sense. We should lower our horsepower. I just want to go 0 in 3. So I'm going to go with that one is the lie oh man i i get the ones and zeros thing i get it but why why would harvard scientists be like i want to put an animated gif of a galloping horse on the dna also two horse lines in one round or is it two horse truths in one noun?

And he's trying to help us, and we're being pronoid about it. Oh, I'm switching. I'm going to be pronoid here. He's helping us. I'm calling the paranoia positivity. Pronoia is the lie. This is where I'm very upset. I don't remember more about, in science class getting all the science

prefixes like i so i assume that para means like out to harm is that what how would you break down that word so well you think about paranoia. Paranormal. Para must mean something about, like, some kind of negativity. Yeah. Well, why is paranormal a bad word? Well, it's different. Yeah. No, you're right. It's like outside of.

Oh, this is terrible. I'm pro-noia. Pro-noia. I'm locking it in. It seems like a good bet. Let's go. Oh, we did. Before, Al. What are you it in. It seems like a good bet. Let's go. Oh, we did. Before, Al, before you have to... Mike and I both locked in that the paranoia, pronoia is the lie.

But before you lose for the first time ever, Al, I want to say this has just been a delight. I have learned so much about upside-down animals peeing and immortal jellyfish. This has been a delight. Now walk the plank. I too have enjoyed this. And I did think coming out of round two that this might be the last time we got to do liar

liar on the show. But luckily it won't be because I'm still undefeated. That's impossible. The lie there. Andy got that one right there. The lie was the horsepower. Oh, my goodness. So Andy didn't even get to go 0-3.

Nobody's happy. Wow. I played everybody down. It's good for the fans. We get more of this segment. Oh, my gosh. The fans want you to burn, Owl. I don't think that's true. I think they want us to burn.

I apologize to my family. What is the horsepower? What's the facts behind it? Do you know the details? I have no idea. I just made it up. Dude, you are such a good liar. You gotta go play some poker or something. There's no way this guy's not laundering money from us.

Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Hold on. James Watt. Is that a made-up person? I feel like it's not, but I really don't know. It's in the recesses of my mind. He goes into his liar room and he figures these things out. Well, as we're now talking about power and he's James Watt. Yeah, no, he's a real person.

He's a mechanical engineer, Scottish inventor. Wow. Okay. Dang it, man. All right. Scottish inventor. Wow. Okay. Dang it, man. All right. Well done. JJ won. Time to draft.

The Spitballers Draft. All right. Jason's got the first pick and we are doing a craft supply store battle royale. We are fighting one another inside of a craft store, as some were known to do. Oh, yeah. This would be one of the places where, not that any,

the supermarket or the Home Depot, these are not places that fights should break out, but somehow a craft store seems like an even worse place places that fights should break out, but somehow a craft store seems like an even worse place for a fight to break out because I'm imagining... I've actually seen as many fights to the death in a craft store as I have anywhere. Andy, do you realize how much we are up against this being that Jason lives in a craft store? I know, he does. that Jason lives in a craft store.

I know, he does. It's true. My wife is a... We have stock in all craft stores. We own Joann's and Michael's and Hobby Lobby. Those are our stores. And I get the first pick. So here's what I'm going to do. If you lose, it would be embarrassing.

No, to make it easier for you guys. I know what the best item in a craft store is. I'm very confident in it. And I thought about this heading into this draft. I am not going to take it. I'm going to give you two gentlemen the chance to not let it come back to me. Because I want it bad. But I feel like I got to take a foot off of myself here.

So it's a fair fight. I got to take a foot off of myself here so it's a fair fight. Instead, I'm going to start with a heavy-duty staple gun. Get a little bit of range. You get a staple to the eye, I say goodbye because you gone. And I'm going to take – because I'll say this. If I'm coming at you and you've got a heavy-duty staple gun and you're rocketing these staples at me, I'm a baby. I'm tuck-tailing and run, and I expect you two to do the same.

Here's the problem. I have no choice but to believe you, but inside my heart, I don't think that a staple gun you can get at a craft store has any kind of projectile speed. When he said little bit of range, he meant little bit of range. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He meant like six to eight inches. Look, I little bit of range, he meant little bit of range. He meant like six to eight inches. Look, I'm kind of an expert here. If you look up a staple gun on any one of these

sites, you're going to find two options. You're going to find two options always. You will find a light duty staple gun and you will find a heavy duty staple gun. You want to hang up your Christmas trees or your Christmas lights on your house, you get the heavy duty staple gun. Yeah, I got one of those. Yeah. And you want to know where you can get it? You can get it from my hands as I stand over you. You could try to take it out because that's my object while I'm shooting staples into your flesh.

Let's not. First of all, we accidentally handed Jason some sort of authority that he's now trying to use against us in this draft. I don't think they shoot very far, but that's a good pick. It's up to the people. If they actually shoot staples, then sure, that's dangerous.

There you go. Apparently, if you get hit in the eye, you instantly die, according to Jason in his argument. If you lose your vision, you are not going to win this fight to the death. I'm going to go ahead and throw that out there. Yeah. All right.

Am I up next here? You are. I am going to go with a little bit of chemical warfare. Oh, okay. I'm taking some paint thinner, and I'm going to try to... Is this a cloth over the nose while you're... No, this is more like... What, like an ether form?

I mean, if necessary, but I don't want to get it on my hands. So this is more me just... I'm going to pop the top, and when you come running at me, I'm going to two hands under, and I'm throwing a thing of paint thinner on you. All right. Interesting. And then you're going to have to figure out how to get that off of you. So what I'm going to have to do is I'm going to have to close my eyes for a couple seconds.

And that's going to be tough. If it gets on your skin, you're going to be calling the fire department. I know that. Really? Oh, yeah. Paint thinner is bad. Oh, yeah. Super flammable.

Super chemical burning on your skin. Oh, it doesn't do that. No, that's what I don't think. If I poured paint thinner all over my arm, I think my arm is going to be fine. I should go rinse it off. Really? Maybe Owl knows better. I don't think it's going to do anything to me.

I don't want it in my eyes. I don't want it in my mouth. No, it's not going to burn you or anything. Yeah. It'll dry your skin out. You might need some lotion nice number one pick andy i thought it was really bad for you oh man chemical warfare it smells bad like it could i'm gonna lose some brain cells for sure when i inhale a little bit of that pain

thinner so you know you like we'll kill you in this battle royale but later that'll come to bear on us i'm reading that you could get some redness there could be some redness and some burning there could be some burning irritation there could be you guys are gonna be a little bit uncomfortable as you pursue all right so far so good on my number one pick coming back to me. Mike, try to beat that. I am tilted now because I've never YouTube paint thinner.

That's what I just learned. I just wrote down my list, my short list, and I figured there was two things that would easily go. But now Jason with his demeanor over there, I feel like he's lording over me and knows something that I don't. You better take it.

Okay, well. Although I will be really upset if you take it. So with my first pick, as one who has felt the unfortunate sting of this weapon. I think you just drafted felt. Is that right? No, that is not true. Although felt would protect me easily from your paint thinner.

I will take an exacto knife. Okay. Okay. That's on my list for sure. Those things are super dangerous if you are making any sort of slashing motion. And man. All right. what you got mike i mean how is it not scissors oh that's a decent one i'm gonna look i'm gonna take a giant pair of metal scissors crafting scissors and an exacto knife i have like i have two blades here can i make an upgrade to your pick sure shears fabric scissors oh fabric yeah fabric shears those things are killers i mean

that was my pick guys that was my first pick you don't remember that i picked fabric shears i wrote it down that was so you're telling me jason that an exacto knife and a pair of fabric shears are not your number one pick. They are not my number one pick. Oh, man, I am fascinated. This is going to be great. Because I think in real combat, I think I've got a better weapon. I am taking. All right.

All right. So you've got your dual wielding an X-Acto knife and fabric shears. I've got blades for days. You've got blades for days, as they say. It's hard to follow up paint thinner, to be honest. You're going to need a lighter. Do they sell lighters? You know what?

All of a sudden, it makes your first pick decent. I don't know if they sell lighters. I'm going to take the equivalent of an anvil. I am taking a sewing machine, and I'm going to wallop you on the head with it oh my word i drafted your pick i hope you're i hope you're working out man oh my word you you are so close i thought you were gonna take it and then you got the worst thing i could ever think of you were so close i thought for sure you got it. You got a sewing machine?

You're going to toss this thing at us once? I'm going to hit you with it like an anvil. If you toss a sewing machine at me. Three feet max. I mean, I could easily dodge that sewing machine. And then it's out of your hands. I'm going to blunt force hit. I'm not throwing it.

You put that in my mouth. I'm not throwing it. I'm swinging it. I'm swinging it around. throwing it. Nobody. You put that in my mouth. I'm not throwing it. I'm swinging it. I'm swinging it around. All right. We're back to my number one pick. You want to know what you would find right next to that sewing machine? A freaking iron.

A full corded iron that I can swing around. And that is an anvil. It's a ball and chain. Imagine a heavy iron. I am. And I'm imagining it connected to an anvil. It's a ball and chain. I'm imagine a heavy iron. I am. And I'm imagining it connected to an electrical cord. Yes. And if I swing that thing at you, then that thing is ripping off the electrical.

It is detaching in about three swings. The only time it detaches is after your head is gone. I'm telling you, that thing is ripping. First of all, I'm plugging that thing in. Okay. Okay, well, and I'll see him six feet away from you

and I'll be very safe. No, this is just start to fight. He's going to warm it up and then he'll swing it. It's going to be a scalding. I'm going to have a scalding hot

heavy anvil on a cord. This, if we were to go to a craft store and we were to fight. an anvil that you said was stupid

that I was going to hit people with and then you drafted an anvil that you said was stupid that I was going to hit people with, and then you drafted an anvil to hit people with. Because I can hit people with mine. You're going to toss a heavy sewing machine. It's like a handle. You can grab the top of a sewing machine. I will step out of the way, and you won't get close enough to me because this is at least a six-foot cord, if not an eight-foot cord.

If not an eight-foot cord. Let me take a poll here. Okay. If not an eight foot cord. Let me, if not an eight foot cord, let me take a poll here. Okay. Al, would you prefer to be hit in the head with a sewing machine made out of metal or an iron made out of metal? That's not really a fair question.

The question should be, if I'm in a fight, would I rather you have a sewing machine or an iron? And I would much rather my opponent. I took a poll. It's a poll from me. It's not you rewording my question well you want because i don't i don't think you can hit me in the head with the sewing machine and i how much does it weigh here that jason could hit me in the head

with an iron how much does the sewing machine weigh yeah probably 20 pounds 10 pounds 10 pounds and you're confident that you could swing with actual speed. You will be digging the paint thinner out of your eyes when I swing this thing. You took a 20 pound dumbbell. Now, if I got hit with that, yes, that would hurt. It would absolutely hurt. You're darn right it would. You will never be able to hit me with a 20 pound dumbbell ever.

While you're swinging, I'm taking a nap. I'm going to order a pizza and then it will be halfway. So I'll probably have to go to the bathroom from indigestion from the pizza. Then I will come back and then I will slide yourself out of the way. What's your third pick, Jason?

What's your third pick? All right. My third pick here is... I'm glad I can entertain you too. I'm going to take my item. I'm going to break it into two items. I'm going with a paper cutter. I'm drafting two more.

Okay. And I'm ripping that blade off the paper cutter, and I got a sword and shield, my friend. Well, you've already been bludgeoned by a sewing machine while you're trying to rip it off. I will give you 25 minutes to try to rip that thing off. Oh, okay. I will just unscrew 25 minutes to try to rip that thing off. Oh, okay. I will just unscrew it then. With what? With what?

With what? I can stand on... Mike, come put your hand in this thing so I can chop your hand off. I'm with Andy. You're not breaking it. There's no... Okay. You're not breaking it.

If I stood on it, you're getting... We're going to prove this. I'm going to buy one. We're shipping one to the studio. If I stood on it, you're kidding. We're going to prove this. I'm going to buy one. We're shipping one to the studio. Let's get on this because if I can't break it in five minutes. Apparently, we're going to buy one, Mike, based on that. That's right. Five minutes?

No, it's a battle to the death, man. You have two tries. I can break that thing off for sure. All right. So you took a paper cutter and it's back to me. I'm going to go with a wood burner because I can probably set the paint thinner on fire with it

and I can probably burn you with it. It's kind of like... Yeah. Like you carve names and you can make cool drawings in our skin. They get blazing hot. I can light the paint thinner on fire.

I could engrave my initials. It looks like a soldering iron is what it looks like. a soldering iron is what it looks like you're look we're running out of picks here mike i'm going with the wood burner oh no i know i know what i'm taking oh good all right so i i already have like blades for days as we have talked about uh i am going to take like we've seen this move several times. If you watch any type of martial arts movie and you see someone reach into their pocket,

you know what's coming out. It's chalk, baby. I'm taking crushed chalk and I am throwing that in your face and you will be blinded. Blinded. What movies are they pulling chalk out of their pocket? You acting like you've never seen Bloodsport?

Bloodsport. He pluralized it, but there was one really famous movie. I've never seen that movie, therefore I did not know about it. And I stand by it. Had that not been Jean-Claude Van Damme, that fight would have been over because of the blinding chalk dots. But to be clear, the one that got chalked won the fight? Yeah, because he was Jean-Claude. Okay, I'm Just making sure.

Okay, and also I will check my sources. Jason Moore is not Sean Claude Van Damme. That's true. I can never do the splits. I would like to see the splits. Not happening. Sean Claude Van Damme could rip off that paper cutter blade in one second. I can't even make a wide A.

I am a regular A in my splits. That is as far as I go. Lowercase A. More of an H. And this is perfect because... More of an H. That deserves credit. That was a good one. I know that

Jason is... Number one, I'm not worried about Andy's items. Number two, Jason is over with his iron plugged in, waiting 10 minutes for this thing to heat up. Yeah, they don't heat up very quick. I don't need it to be hot. That point, the tip is ripping through your skull.

He's also taking another five minutes while I watch him struggle endlessly trying to rip the actual paper cutter apart. He's also loading staples. He's loading staples into his gun too. He needs some time. And I need some projectiles. Okay.

I need some projectiles. You know what you... And I've got time. Like I said, I've got time to build. I'm going to build me some model rockets, baby. And I'm going to be firing these things. You know how fast a model rocket is. I love that pic. I don't know if it's good or bad, but I love is. I love that pick.

I don't know if it's good or bad, but I love it. It's fun. It's fun. And I will say this. If that model rock hits me, it's going to be a lot harder to dodge that than to dodge a sewing machine. But when it hits me, I'm probably going to say, ow. Pretty loud. No way, man.

I'm going to put some D engines in that bad boy. You'll be done. You'll be impaled. The Patriot's coming for you. We're going through the mental recesses of walking through craft stores with our mothers as kids and seeing all the model planes and the model rockets. Well done, Mike. That's my favorite pic in a long time.

He's building model rockets. I snorted. And you need YouTube to build them you know that oh you're darn right i do i don't remember how to do it i'm gonna be calling my dad um dad where do i put this now wait i gotta put both clamps on the on the launcher so there's a chance you're shooting the rocket right into your own face got it oh there's a thousand percent chance that it's not firing you're throwing you're throwing that rocket to launch a model rocket it's impossible all right i uh i've realized guys you guys have made it clear

to me that you think i i'm not going to be able to catch you by surprise with a sewing machine no that's a fact so i'm going to need to disrupt a little bit of your uh you know mike's coming at me with a couple of shears yeah jason's coming at me with a couple of shears Jason's coming at me he's going to have to get close to the staple gun look I'm going to throw just a bucket of beads on the ground

and you will slip and you will fall and then I will crush you with that sewing machine and I will burn my initials into your corpse home alone style I like it man and then once I brand you I'm going to pour some paint thinner into the wound with that sewing machine, and I will burn my initials into your corpse. Home Alone style. I like it, man. And then once I brand you, I'm going to pour some paint thinner into the wound.

That's right. If only you drafted marbles, because I think the beads I could just walk on. I know. I'm trying to. I'm staying in a craft store. Marbles, they don't sell marbles there, do they? What are you talking about? You can build the marble sets.

Marbles are from a toy store, aren't they? No, you can definitely get marbles at a craft store. All right, I'm staying in the lane of a craft store here, Jason. All right, that's fine. I'm taking a bicycle. I'll take a 22. Some craft stores, I'm sure, out in Texas sell them. All right, Jason, you've got got i've got one last pick and

i've got two things that i really want okay so i'm trying to think here let's see what is my roster right now i've got a uh a heavy duty staple gun i'm trying to think do i need range i'm gonna keep throwing in heavy duty like well because there's two kinds you get i mean just search staple gun we're not mistaking a soft duty we we need to yeah yeah like light duty we okay we need to go over to the other man uh owl borland please weigh in on the heavy duty staple gun you're not gonna hit anybody that's very far from you that's for sure and if you do say they're four feet from you and you manage to hit them it's gonna flick right off of them the issue is i'm getting them to run away the issue is i'm getting them to be scared of getting hit by a staple gun okay okay

that's that's just that's just fear that's stage one of war come out now if you get someone like actually with a staple gun aren't you just closing the wound unless it's the eye mike i'm only aiming eyes no you're giving him more points mike because if you use those uh shears and exactive knives he can close his own wounds all right look he's staple gunning himself mike has aid mike has some blades i'm gonna come at him with my blades i've already got a paper cutter blade i am taking maybe maybe maybe i'm taking a rotary cutter rotary cutter is on my list those things are i can speak from experience they are yes crazy sharp and i could just run this thing all over you i know exactly what that is but also

what is that so rotary cutter it's a it's a have you ever cut a pizza you ever cut a pizza with a pizza cutter it's the same thing in a different package my wife brought that one up as an idea for me and i didn't know what it was it's a razor blade as opposed to a pizza cutting blade it's very can you use it on pizza it's probably an upgrade for a pizza cutter it'll cut right through a pizza i remember helping my daughter with a craft project for school. And we were using a rotary cutter. And we're trying to cut. I think we're cutting construction paper.

So I'm using a ruler. And we're lined up with the construction paper. But I am just taking chunks out of this ruler, man. It could not withstand the rotary cutter. Those things are serious. They are sharp. Oh my goodness. I was thinking about taking spray paint, you know, some kind of

again, I'm going for the eyes, but a rotary cutter, I'll just go for the neck. I've got a bunch of just incredible remaining tests. Your lineup is amazing, Andy. And I will say this, if we were in a wrestling or boxing match, we were in a cage match. You versus me, we don't have anything in there.

Yeah. I would prefer to give you a sewing machine that you use in this fight. I would want you to also try. This is to your advantage. It just takes one hit, Jay. Just one hit. But it just takes two swings and you're tired. I thought about drafting some pillow stuffing just as protection. I thought about Jay. Just one hit. But it just takes two swings and you're tired. I thought about drafting some pillow stuffing, you know, just as protection for like-

I thought about it. What, a pillow armor? Yeah, yeah. Pillow armor. Against Mike's blades. How about duct tape? I had that. Oh, duct tape.

That's solid. Breaking a picture frame and taking the glass out of it? Yeah, I had giant mirror. Oh, yeah. I had glass ornaments. Oh, that's not bad. All the Christmas stuff is there. That's a Home Alone thing, too.

It is. That's what I thought of. And then I don't know what exactly to call them, but the yarn stick, the yarn needle. Yeah, the knitting needle. A large knitting needle. I mean, you're talking about getting someone in the eye. You get someone with that thing, it's over. is there something you can do with a glue gun yeah so glue gun was on my list but it's one of those things where it's it's not gonna injure you it's

just gonna hurt but you it's really similar to jason's iron just a lot lighter well yeah i mean if i swung an if i swung a glue gun around i you would get hit and you'd go, ow, stop. And then if I swung an iron around, you'd go, and you're on the ground. You're gone. It's the best pick of this whole thing. Let's go in that cage match and give me an iron and you a sewing machine.

Let's go to work. I also had, it's seasonal, but how about a pumpkin carving kit? I don't know. You know? know I mean like plastic screws and stuff well no like they're just all those little blades but those blades break right in half they break with a pumpkin

I mean I've never gotten through a pumpkin with one of those things alright my final one was spray paint I figured that spray paint to the face is very much like mace yeah but I went with the chalk yeah. But I went with the chalk. Yeah. Very nice. You went with the chalk pick.

All right. What did we learn today? Oh, I mean, read through the liar, liar section. I learned that global invisibility is a terror that I do not want as a superpower for half of humanity. I learned what paint thinner really is, unfortunately. Look, it's good for paint. Not good for harming skin.

Redness. There's a jellyfish that can live forever if it wants, which doesn't make any sense. We learned so much and that Al is still undefeated. Also, Al, you're fired. You are no longer employed. Sorry about that, man. Fire, fire. But get this show up first, please. You got it. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next

time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Hey, you did it. You made it to the end. Thank you for listening. It was a real fun ride, Andy.

This one was especially good. Yeah, I liked it. I felt like I was on point. My form was excellent. Yeah, you complimented yourself a lot throughout. Well, thank you for noticing that I did that. Head over to SpitballersPod.com, and you can figure out how you can help support this show

and get access to episodes early and some other stuff. Check it out, SpitballersPod.com.