Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 119: Trash Burglar & The Worst Halloween Candy

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

On today’s show, we spend far too much time trying to define & describe heartburn. It is much more complicated than one would imagine. We also figure out what’s got Jason tasting his underwear when he puts them on, and what’s got the guys peeking into their neighbor’s trash cans. We close down this episode with a draft of the worst Halloween candies. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's me. It's Andy. Hey, Andy. How's it going? I'm fantastic. We've got a great show today. That's number one. Number two, I just want to let everyone out there listening know that if they don't have enough Spitballers-themed aspects of their life, they can go over to SpitballersPod.com. They can click on the Become a Spitwad button.

It's just a little button. That's how it sounds. Yeah. When you click it, it goes, ba-bing. Is that a spittoon? Yes. Okay. You can click on become a spitwad, learn more about how you can support the show and get some really cool perks. That's spitballerspod.com. Let's get to the episode. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

Rat-a-tat-tat, put some candy in the bag, ba-dingy. Rat-a-tat-tat, Mike. You couldn't even switch it. Ratatat, Mike. You couldn't even switch it. Ratatat. But if you would have gone with like ratatat tag, put the candy in the bag. I don't think it was planned. I don't think this was a deep. Ratatat tatty, put some candy in the baggy.

No, now you're doing T's and G's, man. Look, you can do whatever you want, right? I don't believe there are scat rules. I've not checked. I'm on a bit of a cold streak, but let's just say that scat ties into today's draft. It certainly does, and it would have been even better. It would have been better if you would have gone with tag and bag. Listen, you do you, Mike.

All right? I'm just out here trying to help people rhyme welcome to the spitballers podcast episode 119 in our illustrious career 119 episodes is exactly the amount of episodes it takes to win a second consecutive best comedy podcast award shout out to al borland we did al borland alone america Shout out to Al Borland. And Al Borland alone. America. Shout out to the Spitwads.

I know. Everyone out there voting for us. We appreciate it. You guys are awesome. We appreciate your support and your love. And we will continue to not make you laugh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to say win awards.

Oh, yeah. That's for sure. No, that's pretty cool. That's a neat way to celebrate the show. We're really just a shell corporation that's trying to get awards. Yeah. Yeah. And my scat is step one.

Yes. Add SpitballersPod on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. And you can check that out. Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Are we doing well today? Are we doing okay? Fantastic.

Hadn't been back into the studio in a little while. Yeah, this is pretty wild. Usually, I mean... A little too close for comfort, if you ask me. I don't know how many Spitballers we did remote. A lot of them. I feel like it was... 100,000?

I feel like it was like... I mean? I feel like it was like 30? No. Was it that many? No. I don't know math. It was like 12. I'll get back to you. Okay.

It was more than 12. Was it more than 12? It's been quite a few. It's like 16? It's a little different being back in here. How about 20? 20 sounds right. All right.

Okay. Let's move on would you rather all right cam from the website has a would you rather question for us you've been cursed you have been cursed by your local wizard that doesn't sound like him it's from time to time bad mood just saying Just saying. However, he has mercy on you. And he allows you to choose the punishment. There he is. Would you rather have 24-7 heartburn.

So benevolent. Or a 24-7 headache. What, like forever? 24-7 is 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So it sounds like it's a week. We got a week-long headache or a week-long heartburn. There's no Advil. There's no Tylenol, no Zantac.

No. You're living with this. Which one do you choose? And I'm struggling here, okay, because the way that I see it is I deal with heartburn from every day to every day. So from time to time, I deal with heartburn. About 24-7? We need to work me through this.

Heartburn, indigestion. Are these two separate things? No. Are they? Not really. No, they were only made separate issues for the Pepto-Bismol rhyme. No. Which is diarrhea.

They needed more words. No, okay. Well, so hold on. That's the rhyme. Diarrhea. What? Why did they go with heartburn? Because it's near your heart.

It's where it happens. When you're saying like, oh, I've got a pain around here. Well, but to me, indigestion is in the tum-tum area. No, no, no, no. What is that? That's intestinal bloating, Mike. That's a tummy ache, Mike. That's not indigestion.

No, indigestion's up here. It's always up here. You've either got the reflux is up in the uppers. You're pointing into your esophagus. Now, is there a difference between reflux and heartburn? Because I don't think so. I think these are all synonyms. Now, see, that sounds more like it because, to me, indigestion has the word digestion

in it, and my esophagus is not doing the digestion. Your esophagus is part of the digestive process. Is it? Yeah. Organs aren't your teeth and your tongue, and all those things are part of the- The digestive system is what you're looking for. That was what I was looking for. Okay, part of the system.

Reflux is like when you get a little bit of that stomach acid coming up through the esophagus. That's the verb. Time out. I have a correction. Do you have some indigestion right now? Indigestion, also called dyspepsia or an upset stomach, is a general term that describes discomfort in your upper abdomen. Okay. So it had me at stomach thinking we were wrong, but then it went with upper abdomen, and I'm

back believing it's... Wait, you're back in your... Where's your abdomen, Jason? Oh, that's a good question. My abdomen is from my waist to my shoulders. So if you have really strong abs, what area? Don't you have more of just a domen? Yes, I have.

I don't really do the abs. But my upper domen has heartburn from time to time for sure. The thing is, it's very uncomfortable. Googling abdomen. When you're trying to sleep, like, I've had heartburn problems over the years, trying to sleep with heartburn is what makes it impossible because laying down horizontal, walking around with heartburn, that's the life, man.

That's all right. You are 100% correct. I'm telling you, I was going to bring this up because if I've got a headache and I go to sleep, it doesn't hurt anymore. Yeah, you're asleep. My headache is solved for a period of five to eight hours, however long, before my children come in. But when I sleep with heartburn, it's a nightmare.

It wakes me up. If it's really bad, you can't sleep. Yeah, you're getting up, you're taking Tums. You're trying all these remedies. If you got the cool, fancy bed remote, you're like putting your bed up so you're sleeping, you know, not laying down. You ever put baking soda in water and drink it? No. What?

That's a remedy for it. Try it out sometime. No, I will not do that. Baking sodas for getting rid of bad smells in a fridge. Yeah, does baking soda do anything but that? I mean, I guess it cures heartburn, apparently. I've never done that experiment with the, like... Oh, it's the volcano, isn't it?

Yeah. So if you've got acid, you know, vinegar in your stomach... People also put it on toothpaste. So wait, hold on, hold on. Not vinegar in your stomach. I meant acid in your stomach. No, I know, but if there's acid, then doesn't it make you turn into a human volcano?

Yeah, that sounds like the opposite of what would help. Honestly, I'm genuinely worried that I'm going to poison somebody right now. If you do that, please put like a small teaspoon into a large glass of water. Is that why you don't have heartburn anymore? Because everything comes out. It's all gone. You're emptied. Outdigestion is what it's called, not indigestion.

I think I will take... Man, I still have a problem with the word heartburn. Well, that's you and you alone. Indigestion is what it's called, not indigestion. I think I will take... Man. I still have a problem with the word heartburn. Well, that's you and you alone. I'm actually with him right now. I feel like all of these terms... What do you mean? It feels like your heart's burning.

Does it? This is not rocket science here, Al. Does it feel like your heart is burning or does it feel like your esophagus is burning? Heartburn. Thank you. No, that's acid reflux. What is the difference? Heartburn feels like your chest at your heart level is burning.

Acid reflux feels like your esophagus is burning. Al, please, for the love of everything that you do, jump in here. I would love to, but my wife actually hates me because I've never dealt with any of this, and she deals with it all the time, so I don't know what it feels like. Your heart isn't actually burning, Mike. Heartburn is a condition in which you feel burning behind your chest, and it can be a symptom of reflux. Yeah.

If it happens down there, it burns. It's the same thing. If it happens right there, though. So if you have reflux, it could feel like heartburn. I can't believe we're discussing this. I can't believe you can't comprehend how if your heart area burns we might call it heartburn well i i think the issue is when when i have heartburn when i have indigestion or or acid reflux it does not hurt on the left side of my chest that's my point It hurts right in the middle. Where's your heart, Andy?

Look, if you're just taking my heart's a little bit to the left. But it's a general term. Not everything has to be so perfect. Alright. It's just dumb. A headache is awful. I don't know if I could get used to a headache. A headache's made worse by

watching TV or using a computer. i don't know what i want do i have to why this one sucks yeah you gotta the the local wizard does not take no for an answer he'll give you both i'll take the headache i'm taking the headache as well so that i can sleep i guess i'm taking the headache why do they call it an ache in your head because your head but that would be that'd be like calling it like oh do you have a jaw do you have a jaw well it's very near your head you know i love that he's gone with just a a voice that is supposed to indicate that we are the stupid ones right and yet it is directly on there was so much to discuss there

that you buried under this i can't comprehend a pain in the area of my heart burning being called heartburn we are here for the real information. Should be a chest burn. At the very least. Where's your heart? On the left side of my chest. Where are we? Jasmine from Twitter. Would you rather taste

everything you touch or not be able to taste anything at all? We're talking like fingertips only here right yeah yep yeah yes yes for sure not everything you're touching that sounds like a dumb question but if something touches your skin you are technically touching it yeah i'm not tasting my underwear right this second thank you okay it's touching my skin. We're talking fingertips, okay? Now, I do taste my underwear when I put my underwear on. Wait.

Oh, okay. You're saying in this story. Yes. I would in this situation. That's where I was. Now, listen, guys. Let me tell you how underwear tastes. I taste it every time I put it on.

How else do you make sure it's clean? Yep, this one's clean. Oh no, this one's not. It's not the smell test, it's the taste test. I do taste my underwear every time I put it on. It's how you began that

sentence. But you're saying in this event, yeah. The on is not the problem. It's definitely the off. Yeah, I mean, that's a good point. So could you get, how about this? Could you get some like, you know, cherry flavored gloves? Oh, put some cherry chap balm in there. And then all you got to, and then you know what everything tastes like?

Your gloves. No gloves. No gloves. No gloves, but you could like constantly have, I don't know, like underwear on with my knuckles. You could have strawberry sauce on your hands at all times. At least everything you taste tastes a little bit like strawberries. But now I've got strawberry sauce on my underwear and that's very uncomfortable. Which is why you eat your underwear.

All right. So what's the alternate option here? Or I don't taste anything. Yeah. And once again, like every episode, it comes back to weight loss for me. Because that would be great. Yeah, but do you think that you would eat vegetables? Yes.

If I couldn't taste anything, if nothing had flavor. Yeah, but the texture of a... You can find texture. The problem is just the joy of your life. That's right. Even if you couldn't taste, you were, you know, super svelte, which, I mean, you do have to, like, exercise a workout on top of just. Oh, that's not going to happen. Okay, well, then you're just thin?

Yeah, which is still better. And you don't enjoy eating food? Are you happy? Probably not. I don't then you're just thin? Yeah, which is still better. And you don't enjoy eating food? Are you happy? Probably not. I don't think you're happy. Probably not, because I'm not shredded in that situation. Correct. You'd rather be happy and eat your underwear.

I think I would rather be happy. Taste your underwear, not eat it. Right. I mean, I knew what you were saying. I'm not going to ingest nylon and cotton. That's how you get heartburn. I'll tell you right now. Chestburn.

We have rebranded. Eating your underwear gives you chestburn. I would just be very careful with my hands, and I would like to keep my taste. That's an enjoyable, that's a nice part of life. Oh, no. Man, there's too many situations where you can't be careful enough. You just can't be careful enough. You just can't be careful enough. And what if you're in a bad situation where you just have to, like, you know.

You're changing a tire. Yeah, or you're. You're doing something you do every single day if you're a healthy person. You just got done with a nice BM. What, you don't, you guys don't use the old. Scrub brush. Bidet. Sure, I use the bidet, but at some point, I'm, you know. You have to bawash?

I got to dry it down. The bidet does not take the taste away. That's what mama always said. Gibby from Patreon, would you rather be limited to, oh, what's your final answer there? Sorry. I'm not tasting anything at all. I'm going to lose a lot of weight. Okay.

I think you're not happy with either that's the point and uh in traditional alborlan fashion we do have back-to-back potty questions oh gibby from patreon first of all i didn't that last question was not a potty question until you got a hold oh yeah it's actually a really solid point super solid point. That had nothing to do with poop. We just made it potty. Al, how'd you let us have a question that could lead us there? My bad. How dare you?

Would you rather be limited to five seconds per day to brush your teeth or five seconds to wipe your butt? I could get by with five seconds to wipe. Yeah. Five seconds? How long are you wiping? Well, I'll say this, man. If I don't have the bidet, five seconds ain't getting that done.

I mean, that ain't getting that done. Really? Well, yeah. Wow. Are you a single wiper? Are you a one wiper? That's cute. I've been a one wiper before.

Oh, I've never been a one wiper in my life. I mean, maybe when I was a child. I don't remember, but no, that's a three minimum job. Three minimum. But how many seconds per wipe? I mean, you can't get three wipes in for five seconds? I feel like once I start the process, the clock is running. Oh, is it, Al?

As soon as you touch the TP, the clock is going. I got five seconds to finish. Yep. Oh, that's a tough one. Yeah, and the thing is- Because what if you're wrong? Oh, I think I can do this. Exactly.

I can always go get a pack of gum. You know what I mean? Sure, I'm going to be riddled with cavities and gingivitis, but at least that problem is mine, not others. What's the priority with a five-second teeth brush? Oh, that's a good question. Is it just the front teeth? I think it has to be the front teeth.

It has to be the front. You've got to get the grime off. You don't want to have the plaque that's just scraping off. I don't think you're going to be able to take away morning breath with five seconds. No. Three seconds on the front teeth, two on the tongue, out the door. It actually makes me wonder, like, if I had five seconds to brush my teeth, how much could I cover?

Like, five full seconds. Will it seem a little longer? Yeah. If I'm going to town. 1,002. I'm going, 1,003. 1,004. Just trying to brush like crazy?

I think we would accidentally brush too hard. Oh, for sure. It's not going to gonna help but you i'm not gonna tooth out one of these days with just oh i hit it with the toothbrush but the thing is is doing it super fast okay brushing my teeth super fast will make it better okay if i brush my teeth casually for five seconds i will not brush as much or as well as if I really give it a rigorous five seconds. On the other side. I would say, won't that make your wiping better?

I don't think so. I think that's going to make mistakes happen. The speed, the precision. I want to be accurate when I wipe. I don't want to try to rush this thing into. Which do you do more? Oh, wipe, for sure. I mean, there's days where I might have three opportunities, what we call them.

He calls it the three by three. Yeah. Opportunities. Opportunities to have a healthy BM. The thing is, is the five seconds per day to brush, are you guaranteed yellow teeth at that point? Not guaranteed. No. brush are you guaranteed yellow teeth at that point uh not guaranteed no yeah if you have enough gum chewing and gum chewing does not whiten your teeth if there's no there's not like whitening oh isn't that like orbits is sugar-free gum i don't know yeah i'm brushing for five seconds

i think so too yep i'd rather be clean down there. All right. That's a great question. All right, before we get into our Spitballers draft of the day, we have some great questions that have subpar to medium answers on the way. Brendan from the website, at what point does a nap turn into fully sleeping? Good question.

What is full sleeping? Well, that's what they're asking here, Andy. That's the question we are answering, and I don't think it's length of time. I'm going to say that right now. I don't think it's length of time. If I take a four hour nap in the middle of

the day if i go to sleep in the day and i wake up in the day it is a nap no if i take a seven hour i can take a seven hour nap no that's sleeping during the day that well that's what you call it but i would say i'm taking a mondoo nap. So wait. A Mondo? Mondo nap. Hold on. What if you wake up? I'm sure you've done this before. You wake up in the morning.

It's 7 in the morning. Then maybe you get a drink of water from your nightstand. You decide you're going back down for another three hours. You just said that anything during the day is a nap. Is that secondary sleep right there, the finish of a night's sleep or the beginning of a day nap? That's my first nap. That's definitely the first nap of the day. If I wake up at 7 in the morning, then I am like, oh, I'm exhausted.

I need to take a nap. So you consider that a nap, not just sleeping in? I think you consider it sleeping in, and I think the house of cards has fallen down on you. No, it's a matter of was it dark when I arose. Was it dark? No, it wasn't dark. It's 7.05 in Arizona. It wasn't dark.

Thus, it's a nap. But if I woke up at 5 in the morning. He's saying everything has to do with the sun. That's right. That's right, Mike. Get my back here. I'm following. You're saying if the sun is up when the eyes close and the sun is up when you open your eyes, it was a nap. Now, what happens if you go to sleep at 4 p.m. and you wake up at 9 a.m.?

Was that a nap or was that a sleep? Good point, Mike. I think that's a great question. I think we have to call that a sleep because the lights went out. And if the lights go out outside, the outside lights go out. If the outside lights go out, someone turns them off. Yeah. Okay, hold on, hold on.

So 4 p.m., I go out. Midnight, I wake up. Is that a nap or a sleep? That's a sleep. I'm seeing some holes in my idea i see it but what's the alternative the alternative is just you know anything under three hours nap anything over three hours of sleep i just like the idea that your wife comes downstairs the kids go hey is dad uh is dad still sleeping in and your wife no, he's taking a nap. He's napping.

Oh, she'd have to know that I got up for a split second while the sun was up. Also, people can take three-hour naps? I can't take any hour nap. I cannot nap. What? I can't nap. You can't nap? No, I am the world's lightest sleeper on the planet.

If a small fly buzzes its wings 600 yards away from me during the day, it will startle me awake to a heart rate of 160. Right now, I am struggling to not be napping. That is my daily struggle. I know you. You fall asleep faster in an airplane than anybody I've ever seen.

Well, you can replace airplane with literally any noun, and you are correct. This guy falls asleep sitting on a cactus faster than anybody I've ever met in my life. It's true, man. Like, it's an 18-hour-a-day struggle to see that sunlight, because right now I'm doing my best job to not be sleeping for the spit watch. Is that your daily goal that you've always tried to accomplish? Just don't sleep?

Just be awake, my man. I mean, isn't that the goal of life is to be awake? Can you nap, Mike? I can't nap. Sometimes I can. I have to be really tired, but it doesn't... The longest I'll be in and out would be an hour. I am the person who needs the complete deprivation chamber. I need no one to be able to make a-

Have you ever done one of those? No. Legitimately. Where they put you underwater or whatever? Like a floating tank. It's one of those things where- I've heard about them. Where I saw it on Facebook once.

I clicked on it once. So now, of course, 30,000 times a day, they're trying to tell me i need to go and float in one of these deprivation tanks and i mean they're getting me it's it sounds pretty sweet that's the it's heavy salt water right you've never done it i've never done it so what happens if you're not familiar with it i am unfamiliar you so it's imagine a chamber where it's it's salt water so you float and so you feel weightless in the water. They close it. You can't hear anything.

Terrified already. No sound, no light. Exactly what they're saying. All your senses are deprived, and it's supposed to be really good for meditation. And I've heard tales from people who do it where some real serious stuff starts happening in their brain of of uh you know that moment where you think you're gonna die in a pool of salt water locked by strangers and the lights turn off no yes i know that moment you just described it but like staying in that moment between

falling asleep and being asleep where your brain starts doing really crazy stuff yeah i do know that moment so imagine like if you could get there and sustain being in that moment doesn't that sounds that sounds great i'm not sure i want that moment that moment isn't always full of good thoughts and it's certainly not good full of good thoughts but would you pay for that moment for a long period of time at a place so i'm supposed to fall asleep in a tank of water? This sounds like a bad idea. This sounds like something could possibly go wrong. You ever drowned in a jelly bean?

Oh, you can't drown in salt water. I mean, I could drown in all water. I promise. Yeah, that sounds terrifying. I do not want to do that. What was this question? At what point does a nap turn into full sleeping? Two hours.

Yeah, I think honestly it's probably over. What about shift workers? Do they only nap? Well, that was my... Honestly, when I started going through, it's a daytime versus nighttime thing. All the graveyard shifts I felt bad for because they don't get to sleep anymore.

They only get to nap. It becomes... Does a vampire ever sleep? Well, no. They just nap. It becomes more than a nap if you accidentally slept through something important. Oh, okay. Okay.

That's the worst feeling ever. I've only... I used to be able to nap before I was a grown-up and apparently can't nap anymore. And sleeping through a show you wanted to watch or sleeping through... You supposed to play with you know go to a friend's house or something i love the things that are really important as kids like when you sleep through something really important like a show you wanted to watch you're like oh no i missed the show because back then you don't dvr it you missed it if you missed the show and you didn't spend 30 hours setting up a vcr yeah to tape it which you probably did

wrong anyways oh no you're giving away ages here mike you had to hope for a rerun i mean which has never happened no i'm gonna say anything over three hours then three hours because two and a half is still a nap if it's in the twos it's a nap all right this question this great question comes in from jason's pet tarantula oh well I'm out of here. What? That's from Patreon. Oh, what? Is it acceptable to throw away doggy-do bags in your neighbor's trash can while you're out walking your dog? That's a great question. That is a great question.

This leads me to also another question, and they might be somewhat related. To me, the doggy do is easy this is am i walking the dog on a sunday night and the trash can is coming tomorrow i was supposed to walk to the trash can yeah yeah no you can't just you can't just use someone's trash can for that if the if the if the garbage people are not coming to pick everything up but do you guys have like have you ever experienced your can is full you still got like yes an extra thing you got an extra bag of trash you realize you pulled your can out it is overflowing there's there's nothing else you could put in there and then you're like i didn't empty the kitchen garbage

and you go and you grab it and you're looking around and there's, and everyone else's trash can is out there for the same exact purpose of your, as yours. I've used them. And you're like, you have, I've done it too, but I'm always over and slide it in like a cat burglar. I feel like a cat burglar. Yes. Okay. It's not just me.

No, no, no. I've done it only a handful of times when I'm feeling real dangerous. I feel like I'm about to get caught doing something really bad, even though it's trash. They don't need it. You're not hurting them. You don't know they keep everybody's trash separate at the dump? You have your own pile there. I'm telling you this.

I have had that situation because I'm a human being. We've all had that situation. I've never once done it. I've never once been able to buy that line. You've never done the stack on top instead? So here's how bad it is for me. I will come out, and I'm about to get in my car to go somewhere, and I go, oh, no, it's trash day. Everybody's cans are out.

I've got to bring my cans out. Wait, has the trash come? And I look down the street to see if there's lids open. No lids are open. Does that mean the trash has come or not oh so i have to go look and i so this is like the this is the extent so i will go and i feel like i'm doing something bad just just just a peeks i just want a little weirder to look into somebody's trash than it is to throw trash into it i Yeah, I'm just walking. Casual walk.

Nothing to see here. Just open their lid and then run away like there was a snake popping out. But I don't think I could. Here's the reality. If someone did that to my trash can, they'd throw their dog's poop in it. It's out on the street. They're not coming into my backyard. It's in a bag. It's in a bag.

It's not like loose poop. It's someone in your backyard. I just needed a garbage can. If it's on the street and someone threw their dog's fecal matter in my garbage can, I would not care in the slightest. I wouldn't care at all. But I don't think that's true for everyone. I think some people would really care.

So, therefore, you can't do it. I get jealous when I see somebody else has a half empty trash can. And I'm like, I'm loaded up. I want to lease half your trash can per week from you to throw my extra trash. So I noticed something about you. I noticed you got a half empty can over there. Let me ask you guys. I hope we work this out. I-empty can over there. Let me ask you guys. I hope we work this out.

I want to say. Let me ask you guys this. I put my trash over there. You can throw your dog's poop over here if you need to. Put my trash in your can. Yeah. I know that the Moors are, we create a lot of trash. But I think, you know, we're a family of five.

And you two are both families of five. When was the last time that you brought out a garbage can or recycled where the lid was shut? To the street where the lid was fully closed. Okay. Because it's been about 17 years for me. Not often. I do have two recycle bins because I pay for an extra one. See, that's not fair. That doesn have two recycle bins because I pay for an extra one. That's not fair.

That doesn't count. It's in the garbage. I will say this. Never. So he may pay for one. I had no idea what I was about to experience. Okay? One day, there's a brand new, unused trash receptacle in front of my house and now i've already i've lived

at this house for seven years and and i already have my two cans i got the can i got the recycle thing this is just a third one and it's a one just showed up and i left i left it in front of my house like for a couple days because i was like whose is this this is just clearly not mine i did not call the city right apparently they just like brought everyone new cans so i now have two trash cans and one recycle and i am living my best life gentlemen so what check your bill well you were saying don't don't put that evil on me i need i need to believe that i got a free one so while you're you're living lids up. Yeah. Oh, I've had a few lids down in my recent memory.

Am I allowed to just go and pay for another garbage? What? All you do is you do it online. You just tell them I want another recycle can. What? It takes two seconds. Something you could have told me 17 years ago. I'm pretty sure I did, trash man.

Oh, my gosh. I'm getting seven of these things. My whole backyard is going to be full of dumpsters. Heck, yeah, man. How much are these? Is this expensive? It's like a couple bucks a month. Oh, my goodness.

I'm going to go broke getting trash cans. It's a new business. You rent the trash cans. That's right. Bring them house to house. I mean, based on what you guys were saying, my neighbors are going to be eyeballing my sweet real estate. Oh, my gosh. All right.

All right. Vivian from the website wants to know, is the C or the S silent in the word scent? So, S-C-E-N-T. The scent, as in to smell. Yeah. Which one is the silent letter? That's easy. Is it?

It's got to be the C. It sounds like it's the C. There's got to be a word where, like, is this like herbivore? The first letter is silent. Shoot. I just. It's Mike. It's herbivore.

I was thinking. Well, some people say it like that. I was thinking it had to be the C because if it's scent and the C is there, well, then that's like a penny. But then I remembered that scent with an S is like I sent the garbage away. Hence the great question. So how do you determine that? I think it's a.

That's why we're here to do. Is there another word? Hold on. Wait. Say that you sent an email, Andy. I sent an email. Say you have 22 cents. I have 22 cents.

Now say, what's your favorite Al Pacino movie? Scent of a Woman. Oh, no. This is hard. Now, there's the word sense as well. S-E-N-S-E. That has no C. What?

That's like sense, but C-E-N-T-S is has no c that's like sense but c-e-n-t-s is also since why doesn't that one have a c that means it's got to be this the s that's silent or no no the c that would make the c would be silent because since sent this makes no sense i think i think it's gotta be the C it's gotta be is there any chance it's the T since I think it's the C I believe that they added the C solely because they're like man we have too many cents here

how are we gonna know what you're saying if you were to film a scene oh no and you take the C out of it it's now a Cine you take the C out of it. It's now a sine. Well, or it's... Right? Because the C is necessary for the scene. The C is augmenting the E.

Right. But in this case, it's not. So it's the S. So we're back to the S. The S is silent. Because a C-E-N-E, that would still pronounce scene. Yeah. So the S is silent. but like a penny cent is a short e the c is in that word and it's not augmenting the e correct

oh man the english language are they both silent i think i think they both might be silent are they both not silent actually what if that is the truth maybe it doesn't make sense for them to both be silent but if they were both not silent and you're pronouncing then it'd be skint no because think about the the pennies scent you're saying both of them since yeah but the s has to augment the c if they're used together like scallop no but but if there's sce it means long e like movie scene or no because this is scent oh no oh man this is and the first test was this word and you're like no the word itself is a destroyed my argument what is the word again c oh man oh scent of a woman yes i think that's the answer to the question

it's the c all right yeah i'm i'm with that and And here's the actual reason. Is there a right answer here, Al? There is a right answer. It is the C is silent, and the reason is because the S makes the sound more often. That's what I have determined as the official right answer. Oh, that is a great question. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. Oh, man. That was a conundrum. Yeah.

A skint of a woman. All right. We are drafting the worst, the worst Halloween candy. There's a lot of bad ones. We've all been through the Halloween game for the majority of our lives. We've been down these roads. We know what's good, what's bad. We are the authority.

On everything. On everything. So I have the first pick, and we are drafting the worst Halloween candy. There are plenty of absolute atrocities that unsuspecting people I thought were nice, absolute atrocities that unsuspecting people I thought were nice neighbors I thought were considerate kind neighbors instead chose to cheap out and give me these nasty candies but I'm going to go with my heart and the truth the truth is the worst Halloween candy is the one that everyone has to accept and you know what I say you don't have to accept it. There are two types of people. People that hate it and people that pretend to like it so other people think they're cool.

And that is candy corn. Yeah, and there's a third person, the one that loves them. Candy corn is maximum waxamus. It's trash. It's terrible. It's awful. There was a point in time i thought maybe the white tip of the candy corn was more delicious if you just eat the white tip i would eat the

white tips off the candy corn are you telling me that candy corn there are different flavors nope oh no it's one flavor it's three colors but the white is absolutely the best part what is great and just think about the name of this candy we decided we're so novel with this delicious treat It's three colors, but the white is absolutely the best part. What is great? And just think about the name of this candy. We decided we're so novel with this delicious treat. It's candy corn. Corn. Candy corn.

Go eat your candy broccoli. Candy corn? And it rules the day. It rules Halloween. It does rule Halloween because it's extremely cheap to manufacture. That's got to have a good profit margin. Good point. It rules Halloween. It does rule Halloween because it's extremely cheap to manufacture. I will say that's got to have a good profit margin. Good point. It rules Halloween, I believe, you know, like in theory. And when you're looking at things, when they're putting up pictures, iconic pictures of Halloween,

it's always candy corn. But it's not as often in the trick or treat bags as the pick i am going to go with by the way 35 million pounds of candy corn is sold annually 15 000 metric tons of slop yeah go ahead mike but like i don't feel like there's actually a ton of candy corn in when when my kids dump out the pillow sheets the pumpkins whatever it's not always a ton of candy corn. Now, I don't know if people agree that this is the worst or the second worst. I'm with you, Andy, though. Candy corn sucks.

It freaking sucks. That's a good Google review for that. But this poison, I mean, this thing would fill, not only does it fill my kid's bag still, it filled my pumpkin as a young lad running from house to house. People putting freaking nasty Tootsie Rolls all up in my business. You don't like the Tootsie Rolls. Not only do I loathe Tootsie Rolls, they taste bad. They try and rip your teeth out. And when you dump out your

Halloween bounty, you find that 65% of your candy is Tootsie Rolls. So Tootsie Rolls is the number one pick. And it's not the number one pick because... It's a good chew, bro. No, no, no. Here's the truth. It is a good chew. It is a good chew. I don't mind Tootsie Rolls. Tootsie Rolls

are not in and of themselves a bad thing. If you had a little bowl of some Tootsie Rolls out, I would never, ever grab from it. And it's February, I'll go grab one and I'll eat one. But the problem was what Mike hit on right off the bat. It is the packing peanuts of Halloween candy. It just fills your bag. Every combo bag you get is like,

well, how can we put more of them stupid Tootsie Rolls in it? Oh, let's change the color. Let's put some pink ones and some blue ones in there. I was going to ask you, do you like the Fruitsie Rolls? The Fruitsie Rolls are delicious. There are certain flavors of the flavored Tootsie Rolls I can get down with. But the plain chocolate

or whatever it's supposed to be. Yeah, the logs. The little logs. The little poop logs. Now wait, is it, just to be clear, this is a broad-sweeping Tootsie Roll, like the fat ones and the skinnies? Oh, yeah, it's like, yeah. The fat ones are different. No, they all taste bad.

Because they're fatter. And nothing ruins a lollipop faster than you cram a little Tootsie Pop turd inside of it. Oh, inside of it. Three legs. A little Tootsie Pop turd inside of it. Three licks. A little Tootsie Pop turd inside of it. Hold on. I am curious.

I would like to do an Al Borland poll at the end of these picks because I want to know what candies he likes. Are you on board with candy corn? I am. I had some this weekend. That's stupid. Fantastic. You had some this weekend?

Yes. Listen. I did. Listen. Candy corn is actually good. Are you on board with Tootsie Rolls? I am. There's not a lot of candies I'm not on board with, but you can keep asking me.

If you could eat 50 of one of them, which would you have 50 of? Tootsie Rolls. All right. Wow. Well, Fruitsie Rolls. Fruitsie Rolls are legit. All right, go on, Jason. Fruitsie Rolls are okay.

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Those are fine. But if that was all that I'm getting at every house, then they're the worst. Honestly, I did not think they were made by the same company. They are? Oh, I thought you were inferring that they just made different flavors. I assume they're so much better that they were another company. I assume they're the same company because I'm pretty sure there's like two companies

if you go all the way to the top that make all candies and all food we eat. Like Mars and Hershey and that's it? I thought you were making up the name. No, they're called Tootsie Assorted. They're still called Tootsie Assorted. Okay. They're still called Tootsie. All right. Maybe you're getting secondary.

You're getting knockoff brand Fruitsy Rolls over there. All right. So the first two picks to me, Candy Corn wouldn't be in that, but it is the least, the most least popular candy. I guess the least popular is all I got to say. Scent of a woman. Skint of a woman. But the two that are the worst are, in fact, Tootsie Rolls.

And for the same reason, Double Bubble. Because these are... Look, I like gum. But I like gum that lasts more than 1.4 seconds of flavor. First of all, you open these things up. They're covered in some kind of powder that has got to be a problem. Then you try to chew them, and after a while, you get it soft. And it's like, this isn't too bad.

Oh, it's over. It's over. I've got to spit this out, and half of my bag is the Double Bubble gum. I respect that pick, although as a kid, having gum in and of itself was cool. My kids love gum. Yeah, see? Your kids love gum, and it's just like because it's gum. So as a kid, having a repository of gum after Halloween was cool.

When my kids have gum, they chew it like they're now the coolest person in the world. They're like, you see this? Look, I'm going to show you. They don't care if it tastes good anymore. No, they don't. But double bubble blows respectable bubbles. That's why I'm okay with it. Well, and just imagine,

it's because the original bubble didn't blow that many. Yeah, single bubble did not work out. Single bubble was a disaster. Bit of a flop. The second one here. Double it. Double the bubble. Double the bubble, double the sales.

If I have a Tootsie Roll, I'm happy with that one off. I don't want it filling my bag. If I have candy corn, I'm happy with that one off. If I have a double bubble in your kit, there's some gum. The one that's actually disgusting. The candy that is like, when you get it, you just throw it away.

I mean, it's good and plenty. Those suck too. Those are the worst. Those pink and white. Are they like black licorice? Dumb and stupid more like. Good and plenty. I they like black licorice? Dumb and stupid, more like. Yeah. Not good and plenty. Got them.

I don't think I ever didn't throw those immediately in the trash. Who has ever eaten that and swallowed it? They're like every now and then years go on. Who likes black licorice? I haven't had one of these in a while. Let me do it. Black licorice is nasty. Is that what it is?

Yes, candy-coated black licorice. Candy-coated black licorice. That's why it's so bad. It's what they did for candy before they invented candy. It's someone going, this plant tastes a little bit sweetie. Gross. Let me tell you this. If black licorice gets to me, I'll probably take that, too.

I'm guessing that Al likes black licorice. No, it's trash. Okay. Good man. Good and plenty, I would symbolically open the container and dump them out just to... Into the toilet. Into the toilet.

This is where you belong, flush. That's a good pick. It was on my list. Mike? All right. Well, perfect. Those are excellent picks from my comrade here. Don't take mine, Mike.

The pick I thought you were going to go with because you started talking about volume. I have no idea if I'm taking your pick here or not, Andy. Mike, I thought you were going to go with because you started talking about volume and Andy's. I have no idea if I'm taking your pick here or not, Andy. But aside from while Tootsie Rolls are 65% of the bag, another 30% of the bag are freaking Smarties. These things are. You're not in on the Smarties.

No, they are garbage. These chalky. I don't know. There's some qualities that are good. So I'm with you here. No, they are garbage. These chalky... I don't know. There's some qualities that are good to them. I'm with you here. It's on my list. There are too many of them. It's like Tootsie Rolls. You've got the same

pick because Tootsie Rolls aren't bad by themselves. They're not gross. Smarties aren't bad by themselves, but ain't nobody needs 72 Smarties and Tootsie Rolls at one go around. The reason I like Smarties is because as a kid, when you're like, hey, can I have a piece of candy? You get a Smarties, you know what you're getting?

A ton of pieces. You're getting the Pez dispenser. You're getting a bunch of candy inside of you. Yeah, I mean, I guess. They have the little bag, and as soon as you open that, you're, well, I'm eating all of these. Yep. But I don't want to eat any of them.

I disagree that Tootsie Rolls and Smarties on their own are, they stand terrible on their own merits. Okay, okay, I'm off. I am thrilled because my actual other number one pick is still here. Oh. My other number one consideration. It's the worst, and I'm putting candy in quotes, candy that I think has ever been invented.

You talk about filling up the volume of your bag. You might not get a lot of them, but they're big enough and stupid enough to take up tons of space. It's the freaking orange circus peanuts. I knew you were going there. Now, I don't remember the last time I found circus peanuts in my Halloween bag.

They probably got banned. That's a Geneva Convention violation. We've had this discussion before. Circus peanuts are, in fact, fantastic. I will eat circus peanuts. No, man. Now, don't get me wrong. If you leave a circus peanut out for a little while, or even if you open it.

It's more than 30 seconds, really. Yeah, I mean, they get stale. And a stale circus peanut is no bueno. How many have you eaten in your life, do you think? Give me just a ballpark real quick. How many do you think you've had? 200. 200?

Mike? A couple hundred. A couple hundred. They're still in your system. There is no chance those 200 have left either of your system because that is not edible. That's compelling. Okay.

Pick number three. That's compelling. Pick number three. That's compelling. Pick number three. I'm going to go with what I think is the true nat. Like a Smartie, I open it up. I eat it. I'm happy. It's sweet.

It's nice. Are there different flavors of Smarties? I believe they are. I don't think so. No. I don't know. They're all different colors? Yep.

Why not? Not my heart. I'm going to go with the Necco wafers. Yeah. It don't think so. I don't know. They're all different colors? Yep. Why not? Not in my heart. I'm going to go with the Necco wafers. Yeah, it's on my list. The Necco wafers are those salt. They're chalk. They're giant Smarties. Do you want to have... It's the same problem. No, these are pure chalk. You can draw with them on the cement

just fine. They're nasty. They're chalky. They have almost no flavor. They do have different flavors. I think one of the flavors is like clove. That's not even a joke. You're not. It is. I believe in your normal Necco wafer.

And they have a black licorice flavored Necco wafer. Because Necco was invented before anyone settled anything outside of Europe. What do you have, that little Valentine's Day hearts? Oh, the hearts. Yeah, those suck, too. It's the same material is made of the... They're like, let's flatten them out and put them into Halloween bags. Those hearts are horrific.

How did we like those as children? We... I mean, we did. I liked everything sweet. I did not. I was out. I just liked reading them. It's like a fortune cookie. Be mine. Yeah. Crunch, crunch, crunch. This one has a meaning. That did not. I was out. I just liked reading them. It's like a fortune cookie.

Be mine. Yeah. Crunch, crunch, crunch. This one has a meaning. Oh, that was my tooth. All right. So I'm going with the Necco Wafers. All right.

All right. Mike, it's back to you. All right. I have... Your two picks are filling half our bag right now. Yes. The Tootsie Rolls and the Smarties. Man, I'm struggling over here because it's like i have my pick and it's

sort of a halloween candy so i don't know whatever i'll bypass that one for now but this one definitely shows up and the reason the number one reason why it's terrible is because there is another version of this candy that is superior in every single way it doesn't have the flashy brand name uh as its competitor but the competitor is the one they get individually wrapped they get thrown in your pillowcase and i am talking about plastic twizzlers i knew you were going there what an idiot they're so good twizzlers are so incredibly bad. I am so proud of you. And I am so proud of you.

Like I said, red vines are crazy delicious. Yes, because they're licorice, Mike. Twizzlers are fake. Why for Halloween do we not have red vines to give the good little girls and good little boys? Because wax doesn't get as stale as quick. And the real licorice, like red vines, those will be stale by the time you open them up. Every time I eat a Twizzler, I feel like I'm eating science. Yeah, you are.

Congratulations. You hate science. You heard it here first. Mike hates science. You know who makes them? Lysol. Lysol makes Twizzlers. Wait, I can't tell if it's a joke or if it's serious.

It's a joke, but it tastes like Lysol. So here's the thing. I know that the world is... It's actually Pine Sol that makes it. You know, it's one of those things where there are certain... You're either a this person or a that person. This is one of those. You're either a Red Vines person or you're a Twizzler person.

And I am here to tell you, you can be both. I am. They are both good. Says the candy corn man. All candy is good so long as it has no black licorice involved. Twizzlers are bad. All right, so that puts it to me. Take us home.

I'm taking my teeth out with both of these picks. All righty. I'm taking two picks where when you eat them, you will lose your baby teeth, and you might just lose your grown-up teeth. First off is Bit O' Honey. Yeah, it's on my list. Bit O' Honey's just the oldest candy in the land not only is you want a bit of honey going to tear you don't got any candy it's gonna

tear your teeth out yes but in the process it's gonna taste like crap i mean it's like like laffy taffy could take my tooth but at least least it's delicious. Yes. Yes. But I mean, bit of honey has no redeeming quality. Literally. It's hard to open the wrapper at first. Cause it's all stuck to the bit of honey. Then it's taking your teeth and your little wax wrapper, all of this for a terrible flavor. Now the next one I'm taking, I hate, and I know a lot of people love them. I mean, these are actually popular candies. My wife loves them. I don't know why they're just the worst milk duds. Milk duds are pretty big milk duds fan. I'm a pretty big milk duds fan. That's just say goodbye to your teeth, but you're playing with fire because the odds of

getting them when they were made in the first year of when they were made is very low because they don't make them anymore. Whoppers are good are good made them one time back in the 40s and they've been selling them ever since whoppers are good milk duds are bad those are why relate them because they're small circular uh chocolatey covered things that i can't separate in my mind okay our whoppers are our molds are malt that's correct they're completely different so you don't like you based on bit of honey and milk, you don't like caramel? I love a good caramel. Are you kidding me?

Like a sea salt caramel? Oh, I want quality with my caramel. Okay, you're not going to. I mean, milk does are dangerous. From the Twizzler man over here. I said with my caramel. I have caramel standards, not candy standards. I totally get that the Twizzlers are waxy science projects.

Is it caramel or caramel? It's both. Yeah, it's just a matter of- It's also caramel. Yes. Literally, the difference in those words, a lot of people think it's geography. It's based on what you're wearing at that moment. If you've got a tuxedo on, it's a caramel.

Oh, yes. Okay. I didn't know that. Thank you. Caramel. Mike? All right. I'm taking the candy i'm look because it's it's show it shows up oh i'm i i've got a correction oh bit of honey since i've never really eaten one in 40 years it's not caramel it's honey it's honey flavored taffy it's tap it's oh it's really all All right. I've definitely gotten this in the Halloween bag.

The kids have gotten it in the Halloween bag, and it needs to be shamed because... Look, raisins suck. Oh, gosh. I know where you're going. Raisins should not be eaten. No. It's a grape that someone left out in the sun, and they're like, no, no, no, it's still good. I promise.

Just eat it. No, it's true. Don't make me. It promise. Just eat it. No, it's shrunk. Don't make me. It's rotting. That is what the grape is doing. It is rotting so that it will return to the earth, and they want to cover it in chocolate and say that it's a tasty treat. Raisinets are just disgusting and need to never, ever enter my space ever again.

Al, how do you feel about that? Raisins are so good, and you cover them in chocolate, and they're so much better. Raisins are good? Are Raisinets in your top five candies? They are up there, but I like the yogurt. I was going to say that. The yogurt covered is better than the chocolate,

but a good yogurt covered Raisin is delicious. Mike, I got Raisinets right there on my list. Thank you. It's trash. Because it's absurd. Raisins? Oh. All right. I've got it's trash. Because it's absurd. Raisins? Oh. All right.

I've got to make a final pick. It's down to two choices here. I'm just going to go with one that I think is absolutely stupid. Whenever I looked through my candy bag and found one of these, I was like, I don't want to eat this. I have all these other candies I can eat. I gave them all away. I did lots of trades with them

and it's fireballs okay i think fireballs suck i don't have a problem with that or cinnamon candy is just lame and then now you got to suck on it forever it's just super choky oh yeah you kids have probably died from fireballs what i don't get about i mean i get i understand being a kid and we got to show your toughness, but you're like, hey, this candy I'm about to eat is so hot. I mean, adults do it now, too, with our I can eat the spiciest food. I honestly thought that's the kind of person you were, Mike. I thought you were the warhead man.

Oh, well, look, sour is different. Is he the warhead man? He's 100% this, just with sour. We are. How dare you compare the sour and the hot people? We are two very, come from a different cloth. How dare you? It is 100% the same thing. But sour doesn't make him uncomfortable, and hot does.

I feel like you could have a West Side Story where you've got the sours and the spices and they're just going to war on each other. This has been a spectacular spectacular draft. Mike's team is Tootsie Rolls, Smarties, Twizzlers, and Raisinets. You really brought it home with Twizzlers and Raisinets. Twizzlers

I've always thought are they conditioning small kids to like them and that's how they grow up to be adults that like them? I literally pick them out of my kid's candy to eat them. Oh, gross face. Twizzlers are phenomenal. Terrible pick, Mike. Good and plenty.

Bit of honey and milk duds for Jason. I got candy corn circus peanuts, Necco wafers, and fireballs. Get that out of my way. The only one where it was on my list of it probably should be drafted, I don't even know what to call it, is just those pumpkins. Oh, yeah. Oh, the candy corn pumpkins. Because they're candy corn.

Yeah, those are worse than – They are so – There's no white part on them to nibble off and make it better. Jason, it's the same thing. Listen to me. I like candy corn. Those pumpkins are horrible pumpkin though listen i know the reason why the reason why the white tastes better is because this candy corn

texture flavor combination is good in teensy tiny bites it actually is good i eat every single candy corn i eat i eat in three bites three bites. I'm separating the colors. It's a measurement system, and I love it. Wait, it's one bite per color? It's one bite per color, and it's fantastic. If you think you hate candy corn, eat it my way, and you'll love it. But you can't do that with the pumpkin. You pop that whole sucker in your mouth, and it's like, what is this? I just had this argument with my son.

My son loves meatballs, loves them. Spaghetti meatballs, a meatball sandwich. Refuses to eat a hamburger. That's weird. And I'm like, dude, take the meatball. That's a hamburger. Or you take the hamburger and you roll it up. Have you tried that? Have you tried smashing

the meatball down and just having it eat it that way? I'm going to have to do it right in front of him. Now it's a slider. Yeah. I hate it, Dad. My point is, he tells me that something, just because of the shape of it, is different. And that's you with candy corn and the pumpkins. I kid you not, when I was a kid, I would eat the white parts off the candy corns and leave the runts. Yeah, sure. Leave the rest.

Those whites are the best. All right. You're just like a grenade. You're like... Is there any terrible ones we've forgotten over there, producers? Anything you can think of? Besides dots, no. Ooh, dots suck.

Good dots are great, but dots go bad so quickly. It's the Milk Dud philosophy. They go bad quick. There's a very small window. Razor blades. Yeah, not good. What did we learn today? I learned that heartburn's a lie.

I learned that it's chest burn, and I will not stand by with this heartburn. This is not on the left side of my chest. I learned that there is a silent letter in the word scent, and I don't know what it is. And I learned I am not suffering alone when I stare longingly at my neighbor's half-nippy trash can. Oh, yes. And I need to use it. Jason's going to have 15 trash cans by the end of the day. All are welcome.

$5 a visit. Oh, my gosh. Jason, the local dumpster master. Take care, everybody. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.

Hey, it's Andy. The show's over. Listen, I've got... I've got a... Well, see, that's the right sound, because I got a message from Al Borland. He didn't have the heart to come and tell you himself, but he needs your help. He needs ideas for the show. He needs to know that you're behind him.

Take his broken wings. So, look, he wanted me to come and say a few words at the end of the show. First, thanks for listening. Second, thanks for subscribing. say a few words at the end of the show. First, thanks for listening. Second, thanks for subscribing. And third, head to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can support

Al Borland. Click the Become a Spitwad button.