Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 12: Candy Bar Debates and the Dangers of Being a Clown - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

Trust nothing! That's what we learn on today's Spitballers Comedy Podcast. Can you stare at the sun? Or is that just some old wives tale? You also get insight into the vanity of one of the Spitballers when it comes to naming rights. Also, if you are a Clown... you might not want to listen to this episode. It's not kind to Clowns. Of course the episode isn't finished until the Mock Draft: Candy Bars!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in to the Spitballers Podcast. Andy Holloway, Jason Moore, Mike. Mike the Man. Mike the Man. I almost gave you your fantasy football intro, Mike.

Well, appreciate it. This is not a fantasy football show. No, it's not. But we've done about 600 of those and it kind of rolls off the tongue. It's a great name. Mike the Man. Mike the Man is also a very good name. You can find me on Twitter Mike the Man. That'd be great. No, you can't.

You can't really ignore his Hitman nickname since on Twitter, if you want to find Mike, it's at FFHitman. Yeah, that's what i was getting at uh jason is that jason ffl i'm at andy holloway but more importantly you can follow this show on twitter at spitballers pod the website is spitballerspod.com we have yet another just a doozy of a show they'll be hotly debated.

Uh, a mock draft of Epic proportions. We'll put it that way. We've got some great questions. Would you rather on the show? Jason hasn't won a mock draft in a month. Hasn't won a mock draft in a month. Let me ask you spit wads. If the final poll is Mike at 39%,

I am at 39% and then whatever the leftovers is what Andy gets, I feel like I won that poll. This is a two-way winner situation. But one of those names was highlighted by Twitter officially. The poll provider. Can you tell me how many more votes you got than me? Just tell me the number, and I'll give you the win. Like I said, Jason hasn't won a mock draft

by himself in over a month. That's because we haven't done a food mock draft in over a month until today! It's going to be delicious. This is your weekly dose of nonsense. We're going to have fun today. Hopefully you're subscribing, listening, Google Podcasts, Apple

Podcasts. We're excited. If you're subscribing, listening, Google Podcasts, Apple Podcasts. We're excited. If you have a question, you can send them in to spitballerspod.com or on our Twitter, wherever else you follow us. I guess we're just going to kick this thing right off. Yep. Would you rather? All right, this one comes in from a seven-year-old.

Is this true? This is true. Well, Asher is seven years old and has an important question. To be fair, I did not receive this question face-to-face. It was submitted through our website, spitballerspod.com. So Asher could be a middle-aged man, but we're going to take him at his words we've got honest listeners so yes asher is seven well this question comes in from you know a seven-year-old's perspective would you rather have a sausage for a nose or throw up every time you see the color yellow oh so we're diving deep into the important questions to start us off um i

i literally i did you just look at mike's nose no i literally just shifted my eyes we we have this beautiful set in here from the fantasy footballers podcast and i saw antonio brown wearing these beautiful yellow pants and And you would have vomited. And I would have thrown up right there. Are there any sorts of glasses you can wear that filter yellow out? Can you loophole this bad boy? Because the sausage for a nose thing

is going to be a real issue. Is it a raw or a cooked sausage? It's a cooked sausage. I don't really care. I do. The people care. So which one is better? raw or cooked, Mike? That's a good question. Which one is better? One of them smells differently.

You've got to go with the cooked. The raw sausage is going to be very fragile. Yeah. And this is your nose, so your nerve endings are inside of this thing. So you're going to be in pain. Yes. So you've got a delicious breakfast sausage hanging off your face. Most raw sausage is cold, like frozen.

So you could avoid the nerve-ending thing with a freezing nose, but you can't smell anything. It would thaw. You're not living in a freezer. People are less likely to eat your nose if it's raw. Oh, I don't think people are going to eat my nose. I just believe that if I bang it against something, it's going to hurt real bad.

Fall apart. Yeah. Your nose is's going to hurt real bad. Fall apart. Yeah. Your nose is just going to fall off. I was ready to pick the nose because who wants to throw up every single time they see the color yellow? I mean, you see, what color would you say the sun is? Yellow. Yeah. That's the problem.

You go outside. You look at the sun a lot, Jason. That also is a problem. I guess I don't stare directly at the sun nearly enough. This is good. But what just dawned on me was Andy said, you know, what if that was just a lie? What if that was just a one of those rumors that people spread? Like, don't stare at the sun. You grow up thinking it may be staring at the sun. Maybe there's something amazing you could see. But people have just been spreading this rumor for years after years after years.

Yeah, totally. You should check it out. You should try it. Go ahead. Eat up. Urban legend. Here's the problem. I've got two dogs.

Maybe that's how you get superpowers. Well, we can ask. I believe it was. Super blindness. I believe Galileo burnt out both of his eyes. Or so they tell you. Is that true? I remember being taught it in my history class that he telescoped the sun

and he didn't learn his lesson for the first one. Wait, he telescoped. So that means you're using one eye. And he burnt his eye to blindness and then thought, well, this one doesn't work. I got to use my other eye. You sure this was not a binocular situation where Scorch and Boat at the same moment?

I feel like he's a smart enough guy. Yeah, so I was saying, I've got dogs. I have two dogs. Are they yellow? They're not yellow, but they would love to eat the sausage on my face. I give them kisses. Oh, they will rip your nose up. You could not have dogs.

No, you could not love an animal at close proximity. No. Because your face gets eaten. And if it's cooked sausage, you smell pretty good all the time. I smell real good. I love the smell of sausage. That would be the perfect cologne for you. Oh, cooked sausage.

Cooked sausage by Calvin Klein. I'm deep in the weeds over here trying to figure out what's going on with Galileo. Whether he burned his eyes out. I don't have time to parse this entire thing, but it looks like this might just be a myth. I don't know.

It's going to require a lot of research. A myth like staring at the sun. Staring at the sun can hurt you. It's all part of the conspiracy. Now listen, Asher, you're seven. Super sight. You're seven years old. You still got your whole life ahead of you. Go out there, stare at the sun.

Just give it a quick look. Give it a quick peek. See if you get powers. Do not recommend. See if something else is going on. This is not the official opinion of the entire Spitballers podcast. I hate throwing up. I'm going to vote for the sausage.

No. So am I. Yeah, it's a three-way unanimous vote here. Would you rather be a clown who distracts the bull or the cowboy who rides the bull okay so this is much more at least these are two things you could choose like i could not actually choose to have a sausage nose i don't think right you could right i mean maybe you could pay this one's real there are people that ride a bull and there are clowns that distract a bull.

Rodeo clowns. Those lives. People have chosen that. You know how the NFL has gone through its concussion heyday? Oh, yeah. Getting hit in the head all the time does bad things to you. When does that happen to the cowboy who rides the bull? Have you ever seen those ragdoll bodies getting smacked around,

their organs bouncing around inside? What could they change inside what could they change what could they like oh we're gonna ride great danes now what why would that be what you go through i don't know well how if you're riding a bull it's gonna be men squishing great danes into the ground you can't ride a great dane oh you hey you especially can't andy you're right there's a 2015 article from the new y York Times saying that bull riding struggles to combat concussions. Well, yeah. Welcome to Earth.

Apparently, riding a thousand pound animal. Then you piss off. That throws you into the air multiple feet and then you come down on your head. I mean. Apparently, there's repercussions. The game is literally like they might as well just put you in a giant laundry machine and let you shake up for an hour. I mean, this is not going to be good for you. So I'll take the bull over that. I'll take trying to ride a bull for a few seconds over an hour inside of a laundry machine.

Man, that would be rough. That would be really, really bad. What if we chose some more creative options like that for our like our prison system like instead of like 20 years you get like one one year in a laundry machine i believe we have rules against cruel and unusual oh the unusual part yeah why i definitely not the cruel part it's awesome. I don't think it's cruel. What? To put someone in a washing machine for a year? Not if it's properly sized.

Your barometer for cruelty is in need of a checkup, my friend. I think it's interesting we have the unusual part. Somebody did something unusual, and it wasn't cruel. Yeah. And they said, you know what? We're going gonna do something strange so it might not be cruel to have someone go out and wear a dress on the side of the street it's just super unusual like 10 years in a dress is it's too unusual a punishment yeah that's fair

um what do you think is safer the just talking safety not entertainment not fun not glory of being the star of the show right which is safer being a clown or being the bull rider i feel like it's got to be the clown it's got to be the clown it's definitely the clown when you're on the back of a giant animal it is 100 up to them what happens when you are a clown one percent get 1% of the decision. Yeah. You're worth. Do you? I think the bull has 99, and I've got the bull by the horns with my 1%. No, you don't. You only get to use one hand. So you've got, I was going to say, you're holding on, and that's your one little bit of. You're on your saddle.

You really only get to use one hand? Yes. That's so stupid. The other hand is going like this. Oh, yeah. You've got to wave it and show like, yee-haw. I don't think there's a lot of yee-haw. We are well-versed in bull riding. A bull rider

essentially, his process is, he goes in there, forgetting what he does for a living, he rides that bull, and then someone wakes him up a couple days later. I mean, that's and you get paid. Very small amounts of money. At least in the NFL you get paid a lot to be concussed.

There's glory, though, to be had as a bull rider. There's definitely glory, but how much do you make? What can a bull rider take home? I need to look into this. A couple hundred dollars. Here's the thing. If you are a great bull rider Bull riding championship. I'm looking this up.

You are in those circles you are a superstar. You are are a celebrity you're Wyatt Earp exactly Wyatt Earp Wyatt Earp got all the ladies back in Tombstone because he was a latter I got bad news for you Andy they probably get paid well when you're in the championship Mike yeah obviously I'm gonna guess well I'm gonna guess the of, is this the highest paying? I don't know. The first thing that came up was. 500 grand. That's my guess.

The PBR. The Professional Bull Riders. Who's not watched that on ESPN7? In 2018, they will award another $11 million in prize money, which includes the bonus to the world champion bull rider of $1 million and the 20,000 gold belt buckle. I choose bull rider. I choose bull rider now. Because the clowns are like, here's your $20.

Also, there's no justification to be the clown anymore. I get that it's the tradition of the show and the spectacle and the rodeo to make them a clown. They don't actually have to be clowns. They could just be workers. It doesn't make a difference to the bull. No. Is what you're saying.

Yeah, the bull does not care. It's the in bullfighting. The crowd cares. That's why I said I'd get the tradition. But in bullfighting, the color of the curtain or the cape that the mastodon is waving does not matter. It's just the movement. Did you call him a mastodon? that that is the wrong word that is a very very large ancient elephant the matador dude a bull versus a mastodon i'll take a ride a mastodon i'm in you do know why

it's a clown though right no there's reasons for this of course other than to embarrass people no they have to be a clown because if it was a let's say it's just a worker as you as you used and it's a human being out there getting attacked by a bull you're like i don't support this but if it's a clown you're like this is what you get this is what you get for your life choices clowns turning them into a clown is just setting up for the inevitable yeah they clown. Turning them into a clown is just setting up for the inevitable. Yeah, they're no longer human. When the clown is taken down. And you go, eh, it's a clown.

It's a clown. Yeah, it's to dehumanize. Yeah. I'm moving on. I would rather ride the bull and make some money. Completely agree. Paid concussions, key to life. Would you rather always take a cold shower or sleep an hour less than you need to be fully rested?

So every shower in your life is cold or you get one hour less sleep. This is... I've tried the cold shower. Have you ever done it? Not only have I tried the cold shower, it is a frequent occurrence in the Jasonason moore world because you're so sweaty i run a little hot okay but you're not making my own steam you are not taking a cold shower you're taking a freezing cold you're taking a lukewarm shower there's no way you're taking a cold shower are you i do not believe you're turning it all the way to cold and you're flipping it on and jumping in so mike is half right as usual yes i turn it barely on where

the only downside of the of the cold shower that i take is that you don't get as much water pressure because you can't even go into the warm it's got to be all cold and you know like the shower in here which i frequently take a cold shower in you barely you barely put the lever up so it's got to be all cold and you know like the shower in here which i frequently take a cold shower in you barely you barely put the lever up so it's as cold as you can get it freezing ice bucket cold however in the summers in arizona people if you don't know we are located in uh sunny phoenix arizona and by sunny, I mean... Hell. Very hot. Very hot. You can't...

The sun is very yellow here. In here, in here, we can... I can get a cold shower at our studio, but at my house, I cannot get... Literally... Yeah, the groundwater is warm. The coldest water that can come in your house is warm. It's like that's...

It's ridiculous. No, in the backyard, the hose is weaponized in the summer because it's not just water. This is 150-degree water that you could burn someone's skin off with. I think I would rather sleep an hour less. I would. I already do that most of the time. I've tried to do the cold shower.

Really? You're very sensitive. that most of the time i've tried to do the cold shower i've really you're very sensitive i've been well i've been told about if after working out a you're supposed to shock the system or the muscles with the cold shower don't don't stare at the sun mike don't stare at the sun shock the muscles these are all lies yeah these are all lies i'm believing nothing anymore you are you're making a great warm shower stare at the sun. That's my life. But I have tried to do the actual cold shower. It's impossible.

Really? If it's actually cold, I don't believe that Jason's actually taking a cold shower. Now, the only time I take the cold shower is post-workout. So when you're sweaty and hot, you can do it. That's when... Look, I don't know if this is for everybody, but I know for me, about two hours after the workout, I'm still sweating.

I am... You ever played in the snow? Not really. Once. Mike? It's very cold. It's very cold, but what happens when you're out there playing? If you're really playing in the snow, running around, sledding.

Hold on, hold on. Are you playing in the snow nude? No. No, because you're in multiple layers. Hold on. Let me get to my point. I want to hear it. All I'm saying is every time I've ever gone,

like in very cold climates with lots of snow, you're out there, you're sledding, you're skiing, you're doing all these things, and all of a sudden you can be outside in a T-shirt and it's fine because you've worked i'm just saying jason works himself into a tizzy i understand how a cold shower would feel pretty good feels very good do you drink warm water after you work out mike or you drink cold water no cold water but it's just the same principle on the outside of your body but you cannot just you cannot guzzle down cold water you go drink drink oh oh gotta take a break gotta take it's too cold so how do you answer the question jason i'm definitely taking i'm continuing to take cold showers and i i sleep

so much okay mike i'm taking the the hour less it has to happen because i i don't believe jason's actually taking cold showers i I refuse to believe this. We can work this out. That's a great question. All right. I love this question because I've done a little research on this recently. It just happens to line up. Lucy sent in a question on the website.

It says, if you were a sea creature, what sea creature would you be and why? Oh, I know. I just did a ton of research on the website. It says, if you were a sea creature, what sea creature would you be and why? I just did a ton of research on the ocean. I became fascinated with the depth of the ocean. For real? For real. So I can tell you a ton of things. Just personal life. Personal fascination in the last

36 hours with the ocean. Now, are you talking because of just how unexplored and how deep it actually goes? I can throw a bunch of fun facts at you. For instance, the average flight of a commercial airliner is 36,000 feet. That is the deepest point of the ocean. So when you see an airliner in the sky, think of it reversed in the deepest point of the ocean, 36,000 feet. James Cameron, one of the only people that's ever been there.

Yeah, the Mariana Trench. Is that the name of it? Yes, it is. It's the lowest point of the Mariana Trench. Also, something like 95% of the species in the ocean, we don't even know. Right. And I think it's like 90% of the world's, all the organisms in the world are in the ocean we don't we don't even know right and like i think it's like 90 of the world's all the organisms in the world are in the ocean so there's all these creatures everywhere all these

options and you've got all these different points in the ocean where you can't see light anymore and the pressure gets super crazy so what creature would you be oh i mean you've got all these options i know what i would be you knew that right away I mean, you've got all these options. I know what I would be. You knew that right away. Yes. An eel. You look like it. It makes sense.

No, because this was just brought up in my household. My son was reading a who would win in a fight. Like animal fights? Yeah. Oh, that's strange. Ocean edition. Okay. And it was great white shark versus versus killer whale versus really versus the or

he was reading this yes so you know who would win in that actual fight you guys it was the it's the orca by 10 miles is it yes the orca would just now why is that because they're so freakishly smart well really it's all about the smart yes? Yes. Yeah, their brain apparently is large and is shaped similarly to a human brain. And on top of that, I mean, they're just incredibly strong. The jaws of that shark, though. I thought you were going to tell me, like, maybe an orca's skin couldn't get pierced or something. No, the orca will outsmart the shark and be able to

kill it really yes have they seen this in the wild i i didn't get into that part i was not part of the reading of the book my wife so are you an orca you're darn right i'm an orca oh man you're going down to me so hard uh you might want to you are losing you are losing to my sea creature. I'm going to destroy you in the ocean. Andy's face says it all. Let's get to this creature. What are you, Jason? To me. Here, let me just help us out.

I've always had a dream that scientists in the world could miniaturize all creatures because I thought it would be amazing to have a habitat in your home that contained all the creatures of the world. You could put orcas and sharks and things. They were miniaturized down. We did some Star Trek stuff to them. I've seen Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Would that be? Let me ask you that because we're going to do... Rick Moranis, he figured it out.

Is that ethical? To miniaturize? Only by choice. It's like downsizing. What do you mean? If they could have the choice? Exactly. So like downsizing, you signed up. So if you could breed, is there a difference between that? We've done this to dogs. If you could breed miniature orcas and people could keep them in little salt

water tanks is that ethically okay yeah i think i'm fine with it i'll allow it i mean that is straight up like we already deal with the stuff with like okay you shouldn't put killer whale like they're not in any of the sea worlds anymore right they're there they're just they're phasing it out okay they're phasing it out yeah but that is basically a giant tank that people come and tap their fingers on this would be you can breed little baby orcas mike just said they're super intelligent creatures now they're miniaturized but what i mean you can build an environment for them that is like the like the ocean how small we're talking like they fit in your hand. Like a goldfish. Yeah.

And you can create a whole ecosystem. They don't know the difference. I'll allow it. You're going to allow this. I'm going to allow it. Wouldn't that be cool? That'd be pretty sweet. Yeah, that'd be.

Check out my baby orca whale. And then you could actually have them face. Now, would it be ethical to have him face off against a miniature? Oh, certainly. Great white shark? No. No, you can't. No, now we Great white shark? No. No, you can't. No, now we're getting into dog fighting.

Yes, you are. This is wrong. This is taking a terrible turn. Objectively wrong. I need to know what creature Jason is going to unleash upon me. Oh, you know what creature. Come on. No, I don't.

Oh, the spit wads, no. Listen, humans throughout time have had to do experiments to figure things out. We're not proud of it. But I guess that wouldn't qualify as one no i just want to know no i seeing if a miniature orca great white yeah i mean this is for science are you ready are you ready fight uh i mean science look this is for science ten dollars for front row twenty dollars for the back row you know you can have your uh okay i'm an orca you're an orca how are you possibly gonna fight me because look when they make movies about you it's for it's free willy okay when they make

movies about me it's the meg i'm a megalodon all that's fine. If you go with a prehistoric creature that no longer roams the earth. Have you seen the Meg? They're still around, okay? We can't explore the whole ocean. The Megalodon. That's my sea creature. I'm going to go swordfish. It's not bad.

They're basically the fastest creature in the ocean. I want to sail. I want to be able to get out of Dodge when this orca comes at me or the megalodon. Yeah, that's a good point. If it wasn't about fighting, I think I would have gone dolphin. Plus, talk about it. Oh, no, dolphin's the most fun. Shish kebab city with that sailfish.

That would be fun. Shish kebab city. That would be fun. I agree. Being a dolphin, being Echo. Did you ever play Echo the Dolphin? Oh, I loved that game. That game was cathartic.

Yes. You could just fly through the ocean. There was apparently a point to it, but I never really got to it. I just swam around as a dolphin. Alan from the website, if you could find a planet and name it, what would the name be? Now, I know Jason would call it Jason Planet. Oh, that's the first thing that came to mind, and I'm not joking.

I was like, can I just call it Jason Moore? I mean, your own child is named Jason. It wouldn't be Jason Planet. It would be Jason Moore. I mean, I got to. The whole thing. There's too many Jasons out there. It would be your full name, Jason Moore.

Yeah, I need to really. It sounds a little like Jupiter. Yeah. Jupiter. Jupiter, and that one over there is Jason Moore. Jason Moore. Yeah, I mean, you got to put the emphasis on the wrong syllable. What would your moon be called? Oh, that would be my son's name jason moore's second

you gotta keep it's jason moore jr no it's not it's not no oh you're the moon if the moon has to be jr yeah you don't have a choice when you named your son did you now your son is jason my son is not jason jr it is not jason now why is that important to you because that sounded like a principled oh very principled i mean look no offense to anyone out there that's a junior i i hope you know odell beckham right junior is he just got millions of dollars is great uh football player but i mean what a loser to have that kind of a name, a junior. You're less than.

It's not regal. If you're the second, you're part of a lineage. Wait, is he Jason Moore the second? He is Jason Randle Moore the second. Is that really true? It is 100% true. Because you've never called him. Nope.

He is not. You've never gone Jean-Luc Picard and said, number two, get over here. I need to, but his birth certificate is he is the number two. And just another reason is because my initials are J-R-M. You can't be a J-R-J-R, a Jason Randall Jr. So your initials are germ. Not proud of it? That is one way to look at it.

Okay, so tell me this. So you've named your son. Yeah, you were so great. Your name was so great that your son had to be you. Mm-hmm. Are you or are you not disappointed that your father did not name you the second? As in, well... I don't know your dad's name off the top of my head.

No, I'm very happy that I didn't get my dad's name. Why top of my head no i'm very happy that i didn't get my dad's name why oh he's got the worst name and he would he would agree with it he's got a double bad name okay his name double bad sorry pops not sorry he knows look his name is ron ronald eugene more here's the here's the double problem. Problem one, Eugene. He hates it. Everyone hates it because his name is Eugene. But the worst part.

When they wrote that down on the birth certificate, they played that at the hospital. Here's the worst part about it. His name is Ron Moore. His name is Ron Moore. You go to school and you're reading off. Okay, Wright, Michael, Holloway, Andy, Moore, Ron. It's Moore, Ron.

Oh, I see. I wasn't tracking with you. Has he brought that up? Oh, yeah. Yeah. He said he used to get that sometimes. So when they said Moore, Ron, he would go, they'd all chuckle. He'd go,

just call me Eugene. I love the fact that there was a time period in our history where people were so stoked to name their child Eugene. Like, they're high-fiving. What's the name? Oh, I got it. Eugene. Eugene. Yeah.

Also, public service announcement. Bertha. if your name is eugene sorry sorry sorry there's no eugene's listening to this show they can't figure out not anymore so what would you name your planet i would like a they couldn't figure out the podcast eugene's on blast if i name if i wanted to name planet, I would want it to be kind of odd and ironic. I'd just name it Ted. Hey, Ted. It's Ted. It talks. Neptune and Jupiter, Saturn and Ted.

I'm a big fan of when a pet just has a super common name. Oh, right. Yeah, Roger. It's like Sam, Bill. Here comes my dog, Sam. Yeah, Sam's all right. Eugene. Eugene. like Sam, Bill. Here comes my dog, Sam. Yeah, Sam's all right. Eugene. Eugene.

Come here, Eugene. That's what I'm naming my planet. What's your planet, Mike? My planet's Eugene. Naming a planet is just such a large responsibility. Yeah, and usually when that happens, which is not common anymore, they give you five seconds. What if you named it Alexa? I am going to... Siri? I'm going to... Siri?

I'm going to name my planet Crack-A-Lackin'. Okay. Well, that fits. What kind of shoes are you wearing today? Very flamboyant Crack-A-Lackin' shoes? Yeah. These are not Crack-A-Lackin'. These are heaters, as we call them in the biz.

Nobody calls them that. You're the only one. All right. We're moving on. The Spitballers Draft. What are we doing today? Oh, today is a delicious draft. We are tackling the age-old question of what do I get in this checkout line? I got a sweet tooth.

I'm at the grocery store. I'm checking out or I'm, you know, paying for gas with cash like it's the 80s and got to get one of these. Eugene's paying for some gas. And all those delicious candy bars staring me right in the face. You got to grab one. Nobody really buys candy bars on purpose it's always a impulse buy right i mean you know have you ever gone to target and said

i'm gonna go back in the grocery section and pick a candy bar out today no never not not since unless it's halloween you're buying them for halloween mine are always gifts people give you gifts no candy bar i'm saying like i don't but bar? But I'm saying, like, I don't... I'm going along with your theme of I don't go and buy a candy bar. Really, the only time they show up for me is someone's like, hey, you want a candy bar? I'm like, okay. I thought you meant that the only time you buy them are to give us gifts.

And I'm like, you are a cheap man. It's his birthday. I'll get him a Snickers. Yeah, but who doesn't want a candy bar. It's his birthday. I'll get him a Snickers. Yeah, but who doesn't want a candy bar? That's true. In Arizona, it's a dangerous proposition. That is very true.

I will say this. Very melty. If you don't want a candy bar, you are a wicked evil person. Fair enough. Am I first? You are first. Excellent. Okay. Now, this may be a controversial pick at number one because it is not the normal shape of a candy bar,

but it is, in fact, in the candy bar section. So, henceforth, I am dubbing it. Oh, no. You're going to take mine. Yeah. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Come on. It's the greatest candy.

It is the greatest. It's the 101. It's the greatest candy of all time. Now, just to be clear, not Reese's Pieces. No. Not minis. The regular Reese's candy now just to be clear not Reese's pieces no not minis the regular Reese's cups yes these are Reese's peanut butter cups it is the best there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's yeah they are they've proven it without a doubt the the greatest combination of flavors that's ever existed peanut butter chocolate you're not going wrong it's very

good oh man I'm already off my game at the second pick this jason do you know how much pressure is on you to jason while you think i'm gonna lay some things out there for our voting um constituents sure there are a lot of things to consider here and i think we need to consider them all especially because i have the third pick um there is taste there is quantity right special features we'll call them special features you don't just get one Reese's cup you get two you get a double you could have just made one you could sell them as ones but no most of the i mean you get two there is uh that's it taste and volume okay that's it good we really like so here's the thing there is a candy bar that is that is my favorite candy bar.

What about Shelf Life? I guess I don't want to put the name out there, but this one could be divvied up. Yeah, look, the one that is my actual favorite, my true, this is what I would actually buy if I'm there and I'm grabbing one. It's my go-to. It won't get drafted. So you are pandering. No, I think I'll use that as my fourth pick.

Because it'll be there. You're just wasting time right now. Look, I'm going to take the Michael Jordan. I'm going to take the most famous. I got to go with Snickers.

Look, you took heart and soul with the Reese's Cups. I've gotta go with Snickers. Look, you took your heart and soul with the Reese's Cups. I've gotta go Snickers bar. It's first on every list. It's gonna stop you from getting hangry. They've got great, funny commercials. I don't buy any of it. Most overhyped candy

bar that's ever existed. Oh, I love it. No, I love that you're calling it overhyped because, honestly, it is. I snicker at your picker. They are great marketers. That's inappropriate. They are great marketers, and I think they just happened to me in the right place at the right time. Don't give me one Snickers bar.

Don't give me two Reese's Cups. Why don't you break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar? This is why he was making the volume argument. Oh, yeah, for sure. He knew where he was going. Because for some reason, he's trying to sell his candy bar as four candy bars. Did you not just talk to me about gifts? Well, I got gifts to give.

You snap one off for me, snap three off for me, and you get one. Yeah, but I want it to be on the record that you are not giving someone a candy bar. You are giving someone 25% of your candy bar. Break me off a piece. Yeah, but I want it to be on the record that you are not giving someone a candy bar. You are giving someone 25% of your candy bar. Break me off a piece. Yeah, that's here. You want a bite of my Snickers? No, I don't. I guess that's a fair point.

Mike, you've got the cups. I've got the Kit Kat. Jason's got the Snickers, and I get it. Yeah. But it's time for Mike to pick again. I'm trying not to rest on the laurels of the peanut butter cup. Well, I'm going to ask, and it's my pick. Never mind.

I don't want to ruin this. I don't want to get sniped. So, Mike, you've got Reese's Cups. Now, you're trying to compile an assortment of delight here. This is true. I wonder if the government will ever pass a law that the checkout line, where you can, like, because we have some stores here in Arizona where it's like a country mile.

You've got to walk through everything that's ever been sold. Like, there's got to be a rule. Oh, can we regulate that? Can we regulate that? Like, you can only have 30 feet of temptation. Why do you think we're so fat in this country? We're talking to you, Fry's Electronics. Yeah.

Knock it off. No, don't listen to these two idiots. If I was going to regulate it, I would say that every checkout line needs to be at least 50 yards. There should be a sign when you walk in the store that says, please remember to save 20% of your budget for the end. Oh, that checkout line, there's no product that's existed that's not in that path. All right.

Are you on, Mike? Yeah, I'm up. I'm taking a... It's got name value. It's got star power. He's going for the W. I know where he's going. I know where he's going, too.

He's taking all my... It's also... You want to talk volume? There's more than one. Oh, really? Everything comes in pairs. I'm taking the Twix bar. Yeah, okay.

That was not where I thought you were going. Yeah, I know where you're going. It's got the left and the right. Now, I've seen they've come out with a lot that only have two lefts. You can get two left Twix. Wow. That's mind-blowing. That is mind-blowing right there.

That's a good marketing move. Yeah. I got one that was two rights. It was better than the two lefts. Oh, really? The right one is better than the left? Yes. I would disagree as a left-handed gentleman.

Look, so we have to have some clarity here. What is a candy bar is going to be your next question. That is not going to be my question because I know that this qualifies as a candy bar, for sure. You're stumbling. You're bumbling. I'm not talking about Reese's Pieces or Skittles or those things that aren't candy bars mine is a candy bar but does mike lay hold to the reese's that's the question i was holding you're darn right that's the question i

was holding whether he can have reese's pieces well you definitely can't get minis no no you can't get minis you can't get pieces because that's not. He's talking about the actual Reese's candy bars. I am talking about what I would buy maybe even over the cups. They're the only thing that compete. That's ludicrous. It is not ludicrous. The Reese's sticks are unbelievably good. Sounds like they're 8% good.

Hold on. Reese's sticks? This is your pick? Dude. I don't even know what they are. Reese's? Buy some. They're 8% good. Hold on. Reese's sticks? This is your pick? Dude. I don't even know what they are. Reese's? Buy some. And they're like-

Okay. Yeah. These are- What did they used to call these? Nutty bars. Nutty bars. Nutty bars. Yeah.

But now it's with Reese's. It's so good. So here's what I would- All right. I would like to vote that- Yeah, we'll let you have it. No, I'd like to vote- No, it's all yours.

That Mike owns the Reese's family. Oh, that's what your vote is. You got the little public reply from us? Yes. Yeah, you're running from him. I take Butterfinger. You can't have it. I get Bart Simpson.

I get Butterfinger. I mean, look, you're watching a football game. Someone drops the ball. Oh, there's a Butterfinger's over there. And then you go, oh, you know what I want? I want a Butterfinger. You go to Dairy Queen and you're getting a Blizzard. Oh, you put the Butterfinger in.

It's so good. So do I get the whole Twix family? We got families here. I got the whole Kit Kat world? Yeah, sure. I get the Snickers ice cream bar fellas which is legit great all right snickers and butterfinger you see i i'm not gonna i i i'm not gonna do the pandering game i i want i want passion behind these picks you grow up you eat certain candy bars. I'm just, look, I loved them.

My whole childhood, I'm going with the Crunch Bar. Oh, yeah. That is so good. They're so good. They're legit. That crunch, I mean, it's what I want. It's what I need. And I'm taking it, Crunch Bar. Yeah.

When I go to the movie theater, the little Nestle Crunch, it's not a bar. The Bunches of Crunch. That's so good. Where they've just taken the candy bar, they broke it up, and now they're reselling it? Yes. Great move, Nestle. Was that a marketing move, or was that they had so much leftover scraps? What can we do with this?

We should not be wasting this. We should be selling this. We are definitely eating the garbage leftover pieces when we eat are we doing one more pick or two more pick two two we got to go for a round with we've got mike a field this good oh man there are there are two that i really want to take and i'm not sure which one will actually make it back so i'm gonna i gotta make the gamble i gotta make the pick one of it one of my favorite candy bars actually i do love the nested crunch bar as well but there's not multiple of them but there's multiple in the name so we're keeping with that

theme i'm gonna take a three musketeers bar oh man i remember when i was two years old and i loved those you remember being two i went a two? I went a little young there. I went a little young on my two-year-old comment. Three Musketeers is a classic. It's a good bar. And what you get with that, and I'm going to just say it because, you know, you call a candy bar a candy bar, you get the dark Three Musketeers. Of course you do.

And that's really where you bring it home because the regular Three Musketeers, while delicious, it's not going to be in my, I'm not going to go out and pursue that. It's overrated the same way Snickers is for me. I'm shocked to hear you say that because I feel like Three Musketeers, their heyday was like the, I don't know, the 40s or the 60s. You know, they're- My day, my era. Your generation, Andy.

My generation. If only Werther's Originals had a candy bar, we know who would pick that. All right, so you take that. There's a lot of options for me. I'm going deeper with my last two picks, just for the record. Look, my last pick. I already know my last pick. It's the one that would be my first pick, but will get back around to me.

I will be so genuinely pissed off if one of you guys gets it. But I'm going to play the game, and I'm going to continue to wait. You guys have some really good chocolate items. This is going to be a highly contested one. I can tell. Yeah. Yeah, it will be. And I'm going to go classic here.

I'm going to go super classic before I reach for my fourth pick. You're going with a pull pick. I'm going with the Hershey bar. The Hershey bar sucks. The Hershey bar. The milk chocolate Hershey bar. Oh, you can say it sucks and you can go, oh, there's nothing fancy about it until, until you take a bite and you go, oh, dang, chocolate is really good.

I mean, it's just a perfect perfect it's a perfect candy bar you get the dark chocolate bar which saves you because i'm sure a hershey's dark chocolate bars is just fine but a hershey's milk chocolate honestly i wanted to take the cookies and cream bar that's what i wanted to take the white chocolate white that was a favorite growing up. But Jason went with the Hershey's bar. Yeah. I'm going. Look, not only do I enjoy it everywhere that I eat it. These are lies.

No one enjoys it. Let me ask you this. What do you buy when you go to make a s'more? What do you go and get off the shelf? You go grab a perfect Hershey's bar. Yeah, I mean, it's just like when you go to get lettuce to put it on a sandwich. It makes perfect sense. Yeah, you're like it's just like when you go to get lettuce to put it on a sandwich. It makes perfect sense. Yeah, you're like, hey, this candy bar can't stand alone.

All I know is I better throw some graham crackers and a marshmallow on it. Snickers, Butterfinger, and a Hershey bar. I'm running away with this. All right, here, I've got my third pick. Now, guys, do you enjoy candy bars? I love them. What if you could pop a whole candy bar in your mouth? Oh, you better not take mine.

I'm bringing Andy's Mints. Dang it, that's the one. I'm taking them. Wait, that's a whole candy bar in your mouth? You better not take mine. I'm bringing Andy's mints. Dang it. That's the one. I'm taking them. Wait, that's not a candy bar. Andy's mints. That's the one that I gambled on. That's not a candy bar.

Yes, it is. It is absolutely a candy bar. It is a baby candy bar. Is it a bar of candy? You're darn right it is. Do you want to pop it all in your mouth at once? You're darn right you do. I don't have a pick.

But Reese's Pieces aren't a candy bar. Because those are candies. Excellent point. So it's because it's round. It's because it's a bar. It's not round. No, Reese's Pieces aren't a candy bar because they're round, but if they were flat little They're candied. Yes, they're covered in a thick candy shell.

Andy's Mints are mine, and they're my namesake. So I'm taking them. Andy's Mints, put it on the board. Hey, can I just say this? You can say whatever you want. While I vehemently disagree that this is a candy bar, it's like me taking a human in the animal draft. I will thank you, Andy, for your delicious mints because Andy's mints are unbelievably good.

They're so good. Not a candy bar. Oh, so good, though. I want some now. They're going to count. Last round. I'm going to need clarity on my final pick, but go on, Mike. All right.

You're tilting over there. Like I said, I don't clarity on my final pick, but go on, Mike. All right. You're tilting over there. Like I said, I don't even know what to pick, so I'm just taking a poll pick. Oh, Hershey's Kiss? No. That's not a candy bar. Well, I just figured you'd go with it since it's the only thing more plain than Jason's pick. Oh. I have the Hershey's family.

Give me Milky Way. Oh, yeah. Just put it on the board. You just went poll pick. I'm just going name power right now. Wow. I hope that the world sees through this put it on the board. You just went poll pick. I'm just going name power right now. Wow. I hope that the world sees through this. Here's the thing.

I have not won a poll in a little while, even though my poll picks are usually best. I always win even when I don't win, is what he said. This is the one pick that's going to take a lot of vote away from me. Okay. Good for you. Yeah. After that shameless Hershey bar pick. The Hershey's are great.

You do not buy Hershey bars. I buy Hershey bars for cooking when we're making something as an ingredient. But then every time that that happens, I end up eating because you buy a bunch of them. I end up eating one and I go, why is this not a more go-to regular bar? So shame on you, Hershey's are great. No, I'm going to go with my 101. I'm going to go with if I'm at a grocery store, I'm at a gas station, and I buy a candy bar, it is always, well, I guess Reese's Cups are in there too, but otherwise, if it's a true candy bar,

I'm making money. It's that first. It's that 15th. And I'm grabbing my payday. Paydays are so good. I can't explain it. Because if you told me you want peanuts. Are there no chocolate in that?

There's no chocolate. It's peanuts and caramel. It sounds so stupid to me. Hold on. So a payday is it's like a chocolate it's a naked snickers no it's a naked uh it's a baby ruth it's a nude snickers or what else is in a snickers new oh there's a ton in a snickers no i don't know because snickers is garbage if you want to know how to make a baby ruth you take a you take a

payday you dip it in chocolate and that that's a Baby Ruth. All right. But there's something about the flavors and the texture of... All right. So, Jason, just for the record, Mike, you've got peanut butter cups by Reese's. Yes. Twix, Three Musketeers, Milky Way. Jason, you've got Snickers, Butterfinger, Hershey's, Payday. I've got Kit Kat, Crunch, Andy's Mints, and then I have a question.

Okay. That is your final pick. Does this count as a candy bar? Does the Cadbury Cream Egg count? No. I mean, what are we doing with our candy bars? Yeah, I don't think it does. Well, now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If we allow it, I'm very confident he's going to lose in the poll. I mean, if you... Cadbury cream eggs were great 20 years ago. If a snot-filled chocolate egg is what you are after... Yep, we'll allow it. No, I'm not after that.

We'll allow it. We're going to make the final pick, and it is... I honestly don't think it does. I'm on board with Andy's, but... I'm going to make a worse... Not Cadbury. I'm going to make a worse pick. Than a Cadbury egg?

Yes. Oh, he's going all majority. Cadbury eggs are delicious, by the way. You're a clown. This was my favorite candy bar growing up. It's the Rolo. And it takes you back. It will fulfill my goal of picking some ancient.

Am I remembering what a Rolo is? A Rolo is a roll of the mini caramels. Have you not seen them? No, but I was believing that they are individual pieces. Are they actually stuck together? That doesn't count as a candy bar? No, no, I'm asking. Is it sold?

It's sold as a candy bar. It's sold as a roll of miniature. It's no different than your peanut butter cups. It's in the candy bar section? Absolutely. Yes, it's in the candy bar section. I'm just asking. I'm not attacking.

I'm asking questions. That's why that right there, that is why I don't think Andy's Mints counts. Have you ever in your life seen Andy's Mints in a candy bar section? Sure. Yeah, in a bag. Yeah. They're in a bag. Because you can't sell them individually.

And they're technically, it's because they're literally the same thing as your hershey's bar only yours are connected can i ask another question exact same shape have you ever in far more have you ever purchased a candy bar in a bag boom mic drop it's not a candy bar well hold on hold on when. When you buy the potpourri bag for Halloween, and it's got Mr. Goodbar. It's got Hershey. It's got Crackle. You're talking about the Costco-sized bag of... And they're the small ones. Yeah.

What are those? I'll go with Rolla. Hold on. Hold on. What are those, Jason? Those are fun-size. Fun-size what, Jason? They are fun-size animals.

Fun size. Fun size what, Jason? Fun size animals. And what kind of device, kind of holding container do they come inside of? They come in an oversized Costco size cellophane wrapper is what they come in. Also known as a bag? The people are with me. They're listening and they understand. They're going, yes, Andy's mints are not a candy bar

They're delicious but they're not a candy bar Neither of you have had Rolos? Oh I love Rolos Have you ever had them in the fridge? They're great Oh I feel like they'd take my teeth out I know what I should have taken now Because I was tilting too bad from Andy's Look we're going to get heat because we always get heat

Of stuff we left out You got the 100 grand You could have gone Mr. Coconut with the Almond Joy. The Heath Bars are great. Maybe Ruth's. After all this discussion because this is a- Toblerone for the pretentious. This is outside of the norm.

And it's in the form of- The Wonka Bar. It's in the form of a patty. Yeah. Oh, Peppermint Patty. A York Peppermint Patty. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I thought about that.

That's good. That's what I should have done. They're very good. Oh, York Peppermint Patties are fantasticppermint Patty. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I thought about that. That's good. That's what I should have gone. They're very good. Oh, York Peppermint Patty. Nutrageous bars, caramello bars. There's a lot. Oh, caramello. The Take Five.

The Take Fives are really good. I'll stand by my Milky Way, though. All right. We'll put the poll up on Twitter at SpitballersPod. Did you learn anything today? I learned a lot. I learned that Jason's father's name is Moron. Yep, that is true.

Sorry, Mr. Moore. I learned that Andy has been diving deep into ocean life over the last little while as a new hobby. And I learned that essentially in Jason's life, his son revolves around him like the moon of his planet. As you should. Hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks for subscribing, listening, supporting.

We will, of course, see you next Monday. Tell your friends about the show. Get them in on the joy of every Monday morning. We need your votes, too. I mean, come on. That's true. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.