Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 122: My Power Arm & The Best Dad Jokes Pt. II

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

We are back, by popular demand, with a draft of ‘The Best Dad Jokes’ - part deux. Before that, we tackle some hilarious would you rather questions while learning a bit about Jason’s dominant hand. ‘Is This Real Life’ also returns to the show as we listen in on some actual news articles that made us question reality. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hold the phone. Hold the phone before the podcast starts. I want you to hold the phone in your hand. Just take your phone out if you're driving. Take both hands. Hold that phone tight. No, don't do that. Two hands on the wheel, please.

Two hands on the wheel, two hands on the phone. That's true. There's a four-hand situation. What are they, Goro? I need two on the wheel and two on the phone, and here's what you do. You want to help support the show, become part of this awesome community we are building. You go to spitballerspod.com, click become a spitwad. That way, we listen to your questions first. We're going to give you

the priority that you deserve. You're going to help support our show. We're going to have a good time, and you get early access to every single episode we make. Go to spitballerspod.com, become a spitwad today. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Let's go to... It's dinner time, everybody.

Come on. Supper's served. Is this the dinner triangle? This has just been plummeting downhill for so long now. Was that like a Monono? I got no idea, Mike. None. No clue.

I don't know if there's been a scat I've thought less about than today's, and I just figured something good would happen. It's fun when you're like- Flipping the coin. When you hit on like a word a magical word like bedingy and it works out so well i know it over inflates the confidence that you're gonna find another magical closer for a scat and you're just you're you're if you don't put in the work the work's gonna put it in for you yeah i mean that was uh you know not my best but welcome

into the show the spitballers podcast mike wright jason moore andy holloway excited to have you with us we have would you rather on the show today is this real life making a return and an illustrious best dad jokes part do. This time it's personal. Yes, this is going to be yet another spectacular draft at SpitballersPod on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. I'm not saying this, but others are. Others are saying that last week's episode was one of the greatest.

We've heard that. We had one tweet. Isn't that right, Al? That's right. They're not wrong. One tweet in particular that I found really funny was, guys, great show. That instantly ate at least a top 20, maybe even a top 15.

It's like, whoa, this is a tough critic here. I mean, it was a sensational show, of course. All of our shows are great. But it's just really, really funny to me to go to someone and say, that was one of the top 20, maybe top 15 things that you have done. In all fairness, Mike, I mean, our top 15 are really high. Yeah, I took it as a compliment. There's just another 14 that they could not displace

for last week's legendary show. I have no idea what they are. I don't remember. We're doing the dad jokes, and Al Borland knows well enough to send us the dad jokes and al borland knows well enough to send us the dad the dad jokes from the last one just in case we were to accidentally repeat them which i was about to do i'll have you know al it got really close on one of them to be fair it was just it was a variant though it wasn't it wasn't a duplicate joke but it was it was you changed it was a slight variant yeah yeah it was your joke you the animal. It was a slight variant. Yeah.

Yeah. It was your joke. You had said the, why can't you find elephants hiding in trees? Is that the joke? Yeah. Why is it so hard to- Why is it so hard to find elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it. Because they're so-

And my joke was about hippopotamuses hiding in trees. So I'm glad we averted that. It's totally different. Totally different. Totally different. Different size. All right, let's get into Would You Rather. Would you rather. Would you rather.

This is from JT. Would you rather have to always write and use your phone with your non-dominant hand? So writing and using your phone with your non-dominant hand. Okay. Or always wipe with your non-dominant hand? Well, first off, I appreciate Justin Timberlake writing into the show. Big fan of the show. Big fan of your work, too, JT.

I mean, it's pretty good. Yeah. That Trolls banger was great. It's one of your top 15 songs. Definitely top 20, maybe top 15 in your portfolio, JT. But would you rather always write and use your hand? I mean, either one of these. Phone with your left hand.

I'm throwing left hand because I am right-handed. Jason on the show, meanwhile, is left handed. You're a bit of a weirdo, though. Sure. You play basketball with your right hand. You claim you're left handed, but you do a bunch of stuff right handed. Like a freak. There are people like me out there, and I can speak to this.

All of the things that require dexterity and precision, they're left-handed. Riding, eating, all of those type of things. If I'm throwing a ball or doing something with strength. With power. With my arm, not my hand. I'm right-armed and left-handed. That's basically what it is. I'm left-handed and right-armed.

So you're saying that your left arm, even though it is your dominant hand, it's a weak arm. Yes, 100%. If we were to arm wrestle, I would want to use my right. Okay. I mean, that's how it is. And you began this with there are people like you out there. Yeah, there's literally dozens of us. And the reality is when I do things with my right hand, my non-dominant hand, it's the worst.

So like checking your phone, you'd rather do it with your left hand. I can't imagine doing that with my right hand. And wiping, which do you wipe with? That's a dexterity move. Do you need power or do you need precision? Power or finesse, which one do you need? Look, I know the answer. I want to know what you guys think.

Do you think it needs the power or the precision? I think it's finesse. It's got to be the left hand. I know the diet. I mean, you're going to need some real strength here. Ooh, I think, I'll bet this is what happened. You used to be a power righty, but then you jumped into bidet life, and now you don't need as much friction.

Well, that's starting to fire. That is true, except I've never been a power righty. I'm always there for precision. You got to make sure there's no accidental mishaps there. It would be the transition period here to wiping with non-dominant it would take some time to get right i mean i'd have to go you've never done it no i'd have to go slower a lot slower embarrassingly slow i want us to make a promise here to the people oh we're gonna give it a go we're gonna give it one shot aren't oh no we're gonna give it a shot

and the next and and and spit wads out there you give it a shot you're getting on this we're gonna give it one shot aren't oh no we're gonna give it a shot and the next and and and spit wads out there you give it a shot yeah get in on this we're doing it you're doing it i want the entire world to give it one wipe one good no no one full effort so if it's a multi-wipe it's just a one time so are we going like hashtag wrong wipe. Hashtag wrong wipe. Let us know. Give it one shot. We'll report back for science. Is there any scientific advantage to mixing it up?

I mean, to getting proficient with both? I'm sure there's a, of course there's an advantage. I mean, do you think like if you got the lean a certain way and everything's a certain way for years, you probably build up some like, you can pull a muscle or something. Well, if I broke my left hand and I had a cast on it, wouldn't I have to... I'd have to learn. You would. I don't want to have to start from zero when I break my hand.

I'm going to start for no reason. I mean, the truth is I would rather, I think, use my phone with the non-dominant. I think I would pick that up a little quicker. I use both hands with the phone sometimes. I can text with both. Yeah, I'll use either hand. I don't have any weak arms is what I'm saying.

Jason has one weak arm. Him and his 12 friends. I think I'm usually a dual wielder on the phone. I'm usually using both thumbs, both hands. When you have to go to one, have you ever used the power hand? No, I've never used the power arm.

You're watching TV. We already know've never used the power like you're watching tv we already know when you watch a movie you're also on your phone correct and then you're probably having a snack ski well i'm lifting weights with my right right okay while i lifting weights jason i own weights yeah cal zones are exceptionally heavy yeah what am i eating a bowl of cereal that's my left cal? It's a two pounder. That's got to be the right. I'm going to wipe with my non-dominant because Mike does bring up the

truth. I live that bidet life. It's really just drying off. What percentage of your life is bidet life? Right now, it's 95%. If I go on a vacation or there's some emergency Is there multiple bathrooms in your house with bidets?

No, there is one bidet So you never have to Make a quicker stop to the other bathroom? No, I can usually At least make it to a different Hallway Look at the super sphincter over here Yeah, I can't imagine

So we have one at work and we've got one at home. That's enough. All right. All right. The problem that we glossed over is the writing. I can use my phone with my offhand, no problem. But writing, trying to write with your offhand is just, it's embarrassing. I feel like if I didn't need to write, though, anymore.

You write more than you think. Not if I got this flippy floppy. I can write fine. That's what I just learned. I tried it, and I can write fine. My handwriting is, what grade would you say this handwriting is? Third or fourth. Third, yeah.

So if you can write, why not make a full effort to move over to the power side? Because Andy and I, we're living in the side where we have the power and the precision all in one unit over here. We don't have to split up the workload. When I play basketball, my dominance is with both arms now. And that's what's really important. When's the last time you played basketball, by the way? It's so important. When's the last uh you played a pickup game of hoops i got next do other grown-ups have to be involved yeah yeah oh man because i know you dunk on your

kids hoop i know that happens it's been at least a year way more than that it's been i was thinking it's been a year and then i thought about this year no it's been a long. Way more than that. I was thinking it's been a year, and then I thought about this year. No, it's been a long time. It's been a while. But that's why. All right. For the next time. Dan from Patreon, would you rather have to shave your head at the beginning of every year and then style and cut it as desired for the rest of the year,

or get whatever haircut you want at the beginning of the year and then let it grow untrimmed for the remainder of the year? So this is good. I mean, we're recording this heading towards the new year so you either start with a shaved head or you start with the perfect cut and then you let it grow okay okay i'm following now um i don't i think this is all about what your what length of hair your base cut is i mean i can go shaved at the top because by the end of like what, a month? I'm back to normal? Well, yeah, and here's another

different problem in this question is not everybody can do much with long hair. Mike, you, I have seen when we first started the Fantasy Footballers, you had the man bun, and we had no idea how long

that was. I mean, one day. I mean, you just had this. You had a giant man bun, and then one day you took it down. Like Rapunzel. And it was like Rapunzel. I was like, dude, you have the longest hair of anyone I know or have ever seen. It was unbelievable.

And thick and luscious. Let's just say this. was unbelievable and and thick and luscious let's just say this if i grew my hair for five years it would be the stringiest most awful looking still balding in the front hair that you've ever seen it would be a ponytail it is not a good look yeah but it's not just a ponytail ponytail's fine no but it's the guys with the ponytail pulled back, but the receding hairline. Yeah. You all know what I'm talking about. You can picture that right now.

I can't picture it well enough without seeing it. So if you don't mind, could you get it going? We've got a couple months. We've got some time. Can you grow it out? Oh, man. I don't know how long my hair would grow. Like, I feel like it would get to a point where it's like, I'm done.

Wouldn't mine keep going forever? Yes, it would, in fact, keep growing forever. forever now is there any chance on the inverse if jason shaved it that it wouldn't come back afterwards i've heard that's a thing i don't like to me it doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense the hair doesn't know how far it's out it's the hair follicle so but i don't know maybe you got some follicles in there that are just quitters and i don't know what is it a wives tale the whole if you like shave that'll grow back thicker not just your hair but i believe that is of an old wives tale it just it it's related to like because your hair is when you shave with a blade you get that really coarse end because you've because of how you've cut it

so i think it's related to that and you just think that it's thicker but it's not actually because it's all coming in at the same way it just looks like it for a little bit so there's a wives tale that if you shave it will never grow back and if you shave it'll grow back way thicker okay god i see what you're saying i see that that there's a bad circular logic here. All right. Getting back to the question, my hair, which is currently short and usually needs to be short, when it grows out, it grows into a poof ball. I mean, the sides just grow straight out. They never lay down. I have this family photo session that we did many years ago when my kids were young and for some reason

I did not think I should get a haircut before this really big professional photo shoot and I have the poofiest sides I don't even look like me it's the weirdest photos hashtag release the pics so yeah sure I uh Borland remind me and i will have to take some uh photos of these photos this was like you know real photo photography not digital and um real yeah the snooty back in the day all right um but anyways i'm gonna shave my head here and because if if i were to grow my hair out unlimited for a year, not good. Yeah, I'll shave my head. I mean, I'll be back to normal within a month, and then we've got to.

That's one month, though. I'm pretty poofy, man. So that's zero to one. That's hat month. January becomes hat month. I think part of this is you don't get to wear a hat. You're having to choose which hair you're willing to do. I don't know how bad it would look bald. I do know

that every once in a while I do the buzz cut and every single time I'm like, yeah, this is a good idea. And every single time I get done and I look in the mirror and I go, I hate this. I want it all back.

I did that during the lockdown. I was like, yeah, this the uh the lockdown i was like yeah this will make the lockdown easy poof yeah i i have the exact same problem all right but i'm saying so i'm gonna get a haircut where my hair is like perfect somewhat long no i'm gonna go somewhat long oh you're smart so that you're cheating it it's already looks good because it's a good cut and it's long and i know that it's just going to keep growing and so it will be okay so i i have shaved my head recently for a halloween costume last year and um so i googled jason more bald i wanted to see if i could see uh a picture of what I look like.

And indeed, the first one was me with a bald head. I don't remember how good or bad it was. But then four pictures later is a picture of Paul Giamatti, who looks way too similar to me. I look way too similar. The big black frames, the beard, and the bald head. You look just like him. The Google algo said this picture looks like yours.

That's not good. The third picture that comes up is Nick from Guess Who. Hey, to be fair, at least the rock is also in there. My range is wide. Oh, Judge Giamatti's wanting to give away that moniker right you look like walter white in this photo i like it yeah all right brian from patreon would you rather have a family dog that loves you but hates everyone else or a dog that loves everyone else but hates you brian do you even know me my dog will hate everyone else in the world, and I will not care.

Because it will be me and the dog forever. But that means that it hates your family. Yeah, that's too bad. It's my dog. Yeah, it is my dog. Does the dog that hates you mean they leave you alone? Yeah, but they probably growl at you. A little bit of growling?

A little growling. Do they take a little dump ski in my bed or anything like that? I don't think they're not really vengeful creatures. Right. But they're certainly not going to... My kids love dogs so much that I couldn't have a dog hate them. That would break my heart. Yeah, well, my big worry here is if you were to take what Mike took,

which is the dog's going to love me. I'm going to love the dog, but the dog hates everybody else. What about when you have like guests over or if you're taking the dog on a walk or, you know, strangers who now have to deal with a dog that actively dislikes them. There's not much worse than a, that's one of the hardest things with a dog is if you have like a dog,

that's really aggressive with straight, you know, people come over to your house a stranger they don't want to come over a stranger's aggressive dog is really scary because you don't know how far that'll go yeah and i hate being embarrassed like my my dog rocky cannot control himself around other dogs this dog loves dogs so much that he will like he loved he wants to play with him wants to play with them but so much that he will. Oh, like he loves, he wants to play with them. He wants to play with them. But so much that this pretty smart, well-behaved dog.

He's very large, too. Oh, he's. He's a horse. He's a horse. If he sees another dog, he gone. He just found, he is out of here. And I have had to be, like, we take him to the field. And we let him off the leash in the field sometimes so they could just run back and forth and they stay with us.

Really good dogs. But if we see another dog way far down the street, we have to recognize it before he does. And then we go, dog, dog, dog, get the leash, get Rocky. And every now and then I could think of one time that it's happened. He saw the dog before us. Uh-oh. Boom.

He was out of here. he saw the dog before us oh boom he was out of here so now this stranger down the street as this giant dog running at him as hardcore as possible and how i feel is like i am so terrified that guy's terrified that the other dog how is that dog gonna respond right it's it's not a good situation have any of you guys ever had the experience of being chased by a random dog? Bit by a random dog? I've not been chased. I've had both. I had family who I went to their house, and they took in a dog who was a rescue dog.

But, yeah, he ended up biting me in the knee. I got bit a little too close to home. Oh, no. Yeah. That didn't feel good. Also had the bike rides home from school where the person leaves the screen door open. Right. And the dog comes bursting out.

Come out at you? Oh, yeah. I've been chased down the street riding full blast on the bike, thinking I'm going to get eaten alive. That's crazy. But, yeah, I got to let the dog. The family's got to get the love. You are correct. My son probably loves the dog more than I do,

and it would break his heart if the dog did not like him, and it would break my heart. But then that brokenness will be repaired by the love of my dog I so everything would be a okay for right now that's fine and your son would obviously end up in good shape in that situation grow up man put some dirt on it get your own dog this is mine I'm gonna take the dog's hatred for, love for everyone else so I don't have the stranger problem. And also, I want that dog to fear me. You shouldn't like me. I'm the master here.

Don't you get my garbage? Terry wants to know, would you rather give someone terrible advice or take someone's terrible advice? Oh, no. Hey, Al, for this question, when we take their terrible advice, does that mean we have to do it or we just have to receive it? No. You have to do it. Yeah, we have to do it. So I either have to give somebody terrible advice that costs them

or they give me terrible advice that costs me. Yeah, that is correct. They're like, oh, you're traveling to California? Make sure you go up through Nevada around because there's some closures. And so they give you this advice. I got a hot stock for you. You're going to want to get in heavy on USO and go deep. But here's the thing.

If the question was. That's just hypothetical though, right? Yeah, just hypothetical. Just throwing it out of random. I don't even know if USOs are real stock. Who knows? Oil or something. Who knows?

Who knows? Nobody knows. I'm sure it's a great stock. The stock rebounded. It did eventually rebound. If only I stayed in. So, here's the thing. If this question were, would you like something bad to happen to you or to someone else, that's

basically what the question is. But the real difference here, because I think if we're all being honest and we had to choose something bad happens to me and my family or you and your family, sorry, we're probably all human nature. We're probably going to choose that us and our family are fine but the difference here is the causation yeah exactly it's who now you're responsible exactly would you rather be blamed for the bad advice would you rather be the the fault of the bad stock tip or would you rather have it happen to you like i i don't know i'm a super empathetic person.

And so I'm always trying to put myself in somebody else's shoes, almost to a fault. So if someone does something wrong to me, I want to go over and above to make sure they don't feel bad about it. So I don't feel like that would be a problem. But if I did something, I don't feel like I could ever undo it. Like if i ruined somebody based on my advice the part feels so bad part of my question here is i mean it's it's advice right so i i actually think this is the correct thing to do like if i told my friend holy crap this this uh what was it uso is like really low right now and And like, this is the time I was, I thought I was doing the right thing by telling people

to get in. And then I was, I mean, whoever, whoever did this was absolutely doing the right thing. Whoever. So they get the credit. Okay. New question. Not the blame. It was.

New question. New question, Jason? New question. So in this hypothetical world, if you gave someone a bad stock tip and they lost a bunch of money on it. Right, because they sold too early or whatever. But then they didn't necessarily need to if they hung out long enough. Do you have empathy? Do you feel guilty? Or are you relieved of...

Fully relieved. Well, I mean, super guilty until the truth comes out about the stock, in which case you're validated and vindicated and everything's fine. Okay, cool. But super guilty up until then, hypothetically. Hypothetically.

Let's move on. Is this real life? All right this real life is back we each have found a story a real story from the news that we're going to reveal to the other two on the show live and get their reaction to uh to real life because real life is happening all around us and why not learn a little bit more about this world? So I'll kick it off. All right. You guys want to hear this? Yeah, please do.

I found this so fascinating because I learned a lot and you're going to learn a lot. Here's the headline. Oakland's notoriously aggressive turkey captured by wildlife expert posing as a frail woman. So this is real life. There has been a, well, look, there's been a, Gerald is his name. Gerald the aggressive turkey? Gerald the aggressive turkey spent-

Probably because they named him Gerald. Gerald the Aggressive Turkey spent five months attacking unsuspecting residents. On the reg, Gerald. Just like guerrilla warfare would just jump out of the woods? Yes, this is 100% and apparently very aggressive. Turkeys are mean, man. They are mean, mean birds. Yeah, they're in a bad spot.

True. He preferred victims that were older women, according to complaints to Oakland Animal Services. What? So this wildlife worker dressed up as an elderly old woman. Oh, my goodness. To get the turkey. You got to think like the turkey. You got to get in the mind of the turkey.

And here's what she said. She pretended to be scared of the turkey, dressed up like an old lady. And that's when Gerald started puffing up and showing aggression. And she said, I saw his reaction to me. And I said, oh, you want a piece of this? I'll give it to you. And Gerald charged straight at her. But get this, 40 years of experience prepared her for this moment, and she scruffed the turkey. Turkey wrangling?

Grabbing him by the neck in a way that doesn't hurt the bird. And they thought they were going to have to euthanize Gerald, but they decided- To eat him? Delicious. The end of this story is a nice sadness. And all the old ladies had a Thanksgiving meal. But anyway, they decided that there was a place, a suitable home, for Gerald to go. A volcano.

The months-long effort ended with Gerald being released to a wild turkey habitat. So I didn't know that they preyed upon the elderly. Turkeys are mean, and I now like to picture that as the park ranger, the heroine in this story. She's dressed up as an elderly lady, you know, walking. With 40 years experience, she might be one. She might already be one. I mean. When did she start?

When did she start? When do you start? Oh, yeah. I'm just dressing up. I dressed up 10 years older than I am. I dyed my hair white. I dressed up 10 years older than I am. I dyed my hair white.

I like to imagine that the turkey starts approaching, and then she cackles and throws the disguise in the air, and underneath it, she's just got a gigantic automatic weapon. Blows him apart. Just annihilates the turkey. Also, how much credit are we giving the turkeys to know the age of someone? Like, that's not a moo moo. Turkey smell fear.

Yeah, you got to act afraid of a turkey if you want to get attacked by a turkey. That's what my grandma always said. Oh, man. All right, what do you guys got for me? That is real life. And five months. How much taxpayer money went to the five-month turkey search? It would have been a lot faster if they did my plan.

Your plan, yeah, exactly. They wanted to save this turkey. We set up three turrets. And we just, we have lunch tomorrow. All right. I'm just proud of them for not using some of the old people as bait. They actually dressed up. They didn't, you know. It's because they had one.

They didn't find a real Gerald to come out and be the bait for Gerald actually dressed up. They didn't, you know. They didn't find a real Gerald to come out and be the bait for Gerald. Alright, here is the article I found and amazingly this article is from three days ago. So this is like breaking news. Escaped

cloned female mutant crayfish take over Belgium's cemetery. One more time. One more time. Escaped, cloned, female mutant crayfish have taken over a Belgian cemetery. Well, that doesn't make no sense. It don't make no sense.

But as I read this article, here's what I found out. This is a problem. This is a real problem. This is a real problem? This is a real problem. And this is three days ago, so this could be a problem. You know you watch movies like catastrophic end of the world movies, and they always start with-

The Rock and Judge Giamatti. You always, you know, the family's in the house, and on the TV screen in the background is, like, just a normal, like, you know, the zombie movie starts with, like, oh, in Pennsylvania, weird occurrence. We're reading that article right now. People need to understand. I'm looking at a crayfish. Number one, I don't know what the difference between a crayfish.

Is it a crawfish? I don't know. There's a crayfish and a crawfish. Oh, they are? They are. Yeah, it's just pronunciation. I think most people call them crawfish. I'm Googling and it's saying crayfish, and then I'll put a W in, and it'll show me something

very similar. Is it in America, or is it overseas? Overseas, they're crayfish. I don't know, but these things are terrifying. They are nasty looking. People eat these? Like our only defense against this terrifying mutant warrior fish is to eat it which is the same as the turkey that's fair this is how we take care of our problems so scientists basically

created this version that is um it doesn't need a male to reproduce, and it reproduces at an extremely rapid rate. So these females create identical DNA replicas of itself. What? And then they can create identical DNA replicas of themselves, which is why it's saying they're taking over the cemetery. Somehow these crayfish made in a lab have escaped these cloned female mutant crayfish and they are they've taken over this they're they're on land and in water i was gonna say i thought they were water creatures nope they dig down into the cemetery and they devour everything in their they get in your craw oh gosh and so these things are eating everything. Apparently, they are banned by the European Union.

Crayfish are banned? Crayfish are banned by the European Union. What, they declare war on them? I'm telling you, these things are a problem. The idea of fixing this problem here's uh kevin shears from the flemish institute of nature and woodland research he said it's impossible to round them all up it's it's like trying to empty the ocean with a thimble so let's just you know keep them do they keep them on that you know side of the pond. Do they eat the bodies?

The article didn't say, but that was the same question I had. Are they in a cemetery for a reason? This could solve our zombie problem. It gives us a new problem. It gives us a new problem. Wow. Okay. No crayfish over there, no crawfish over here.

All right. We're good. All right. I need to let the people know about a service that has been done by rashid zahid i hope i'm saying your name correctly we all have had this situation it's late you're you're hungry you want to hit up the uh the mickey d's right because you got a hankering for some fast food and especially especially some ice cream yeah Yeah. And what happens when you roll up to McDonald's at 11 o'clock and they go, uh, ice cream machine. No, don't do it.

It's broken. So you go to another McDonald's and they're like, yeah, ours is broken too. Well, we have a solution here. If you go to mcbroken.com, and I have been there, it is a fully interactive map. So here's what Rashika's done. Is McDonald's ice cream machine broken? Yes.

So it's a live interactive map, and you can go check it out and see, like, essentially at any given point, 10% of the McDonald's machines are, quote, broken. But here's the way we know that the machines are working. There is a bot running the McDonald's app, and it goes around and it places orders that include the ice cream. The ice cream. And if the order is rejected because the ice cream machine is broken, then they get a message here. So right now, he's currently placing an order worth $18,752 every minute

at every McDonald's in the U.S. to figure out which locations have a broken ice cream machine. Okay. Wait, the order was $18,000. Like, I think they're saying that that would be the value. They don't actually push the order through. They're just like building orders at every single McDonald's because if the

machine is down, the order won't work. Okay. This is for one going there. I can't believe how many McDonald's there are in the world oh my gosh there's so many mcdonald's uh second of all that's super smart the tech is incredible third of all there's quite a few broken ice cream machines around us right now this seems really practical and useful there are eight percent eight point nine eight percent of all machines are currently broken.

And apparently... Who services these? Can I get in this industry? He is doing this all for his love of McFlurries. I see at the top of the site, would you like to help me cover the cost of running this website? Buy me a McFlurry. My man likes a McFlurry. Is to get McFlurries.

That's actually just really cool tech. Yes. I apologize to anyone in Tempe, Arizona. If there was a map of... You don't have very many working ice cream machines right now. I was going to say, if there was a map of, like, are McDonald's servers broken due to this guy, what would that map look like?

Are you guys ready to draft? Let's do it. The Spitballers draft all right we promised it it is a second best dad jokes draft the first one was so incredible um just the jokes were well thought out. Thorough. These drafts. Precise. Poetic. Should be happening like once every 10 episodes.

It is a delight. Dad jokes are fun. They are uplifting. There's also a weird draft to have the first pick with because I don't think that means much. No. But I will begin our draft. All right. It's a simple one.

And last time we did this, we did this over Zoom. So we didn't get to deliver this to one another in person. What does a nosy pepper do? Nosy pepper. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. What does a nosy pepper do? Nosy pepper. Okay. What is a nosy pepper do? Please tell me. It gets jalapeno business.

It's jalapeno business. Spicy. That is a staple of the right household. You've used that one before. The jalapeno is a class. It's still funny. It is a fantastic joke. Had you heard that one, the jalapeno it is a class it's still funny it is a fantastic joke had you heard that one jason i have oh i have that's all right that's all right it's still a good one yeah it's just because we've heard it it's still good you gotta halop in my business yeah use it on your

kids they'll love it yes they will all right mike you are up all right a man walked into a restaurant the hostess asked do you have any reservations and he said no i'm confident i want to eat here that's a long exhale joke that's a long exhale i got jason with that one i i like i was hoping it went there it reminded me of this this isn't a dad joke I'm going with, but I know I had a friend in college who, whenever a waiter or waitress would ask if you want a box for that, they'd say, no, you could just have it. Oh, that's good.

That's good. Yeah. No, I don't want a box for this. I mean, we don't have to fight. Oh, I like it. No, I get the joke. Yeah. Now you see, he's talking about boxing. Like like you put on the gloves and you go to fight.

All right. Better explained. All right. I'm excited. I was worried this first one that I wanted was going to be taken somehow, some way, because I know we're all doing our research. I mean, our deep diving research to come up with the best. All right.

If you're an American in the living room what are you in the bathroom european oh yeah all right okay you were worried we were coming for the european of course i was worried that's a gold mine okay all right i accept at least i haven't heard that one uh i was very very happy that's not bad that's not bad all right now i'm still on the clock nothing like going back to back on the dad jokes speaking of the clock oh have you ever tried to eat a clock have i ever tried to eat a clock no jason i have not no because it's very time consuming yeah oh baby super time consuming to eat a clock you repeated the punchline yes you did yes i did all right mike you are up you are on the clock all right now i'm i've got i've got my pick here. I am torn on the delivery, though.

So you'll- Make it poor. Do the funny one. That's what I'm torn on. I think it could go either way, but you'll know what I mean. I'm just going to pick one. I'm going to go with it. Ready?

My wife asked me if I could stop singing Wonderwall to her. I said maybe. The delivery was the correct one. Yeah, thank you. All right. Do you see what I mean? I wasn't sure if you just say, I said maybe. No, no, no.

You did it right. You have to do it that way or the joke doesn't land. All right. I did it right. That's good. That's a good one. What do you call a woman standing between two goalposts? What do you call a woman standing between two goalposts?

I don't know. Annette. You down with that one, Mike? You down with that one? Annette? Annette. Yeah, you call her Annette Fun You down with that one? Annette. Yeah, you call her Annette Funicello. You call her Annette.

It tickled me. Yeah, it's not bad. And then I can't help but- Are we going the normal four? 12 rounds. 12 rounds. 12 rounds. That's a lot of dad jokes.

All right. I hope that you haven't heard this one. You probably have. What's better than Ted dancing? I already love it. I don't know the punchline. You don't know the punchline? What's better? What's better than Ted dancing?

Okay. I don't know. Ted's singing and dancing, baby. Yeah. Yeah. I could see where it was going, but I couldn't find the answer. I was like, Ted flying, Ted sleeping what is going to be the punchline

singing and dancing I enjoyed that one not a lot of Ted dancing jokes out there I wonder how many people know who Ted dancing is but he's back, he's in the good place he's brought Ted dancing back singing and dancing

Ted dancing's back. Singing and dancing. Ted Danson's back. In a big way. Join us next week when the draft is Ted Danson jokes. Yes, that's right. Mike, you're back. Back on the clock. All right, so how many more do I have? 15.

No, no. Are we doing five again? Five rounds. Okay. That's helpful. All right, we're going to go with this one. I'll need a little bit of interaction here. Jason.

Yeah. We all know about Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard about Cole's Law? No. It's thinly sliced cabbage. That's not a good joke, man. As soon as you said, have you heard about...

That's not a good joke. I mean, I heard it. You said, have you heard about Cole's Law? I said, have you heard about... I mean, I heard it. You said, have you heard about coleslaw? I said, have you heard about coleslaw? Yeah. Okay. Wow.

That's a... I mean... You call it a bad joke, but my man broke before I even said the coleslaw thing. I think it's a good joke because you laughed at your own joke during it. I laughed because he was laughing. Oh, my goodness. All right. I like the eye contact you guys made on that one. That was important.

It was very good. All right. Well, then I like the eye contact you guys made on that one. That was important. It was very good. All right. Well, then I'll make eye contact with you here, Andy. Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? Why? Because none of them work. Oh, gosh. Yeah, baby.

I like that one. Get them retired people. Lazy. Just like Ted Danson. Get a job. Oh, Ted Danson's not retired. He's back. That's right.

Have you heard? Yeah, he's back. He's back in a big way. All right, Mike. Still me? No, it's Jason. Still me. All right, guys.

Which days are the strongest? Which days are the strongest? Which days are the strongest? Which days are the strongest? I don't know. Saturdays and Sundays. The others are all weekdays. Oh, gosh. Wow.

You did get points for delivery on that one. Yeah, you are. That was pretty good. You are bringing the fire. You know it. He's got the energy. Alright. Andy.

What's Forrest Gump's password? I actually know this one. Jason. What's Forrest Gump's password? I actually know this one. Ladies and gentlemen at home, what's Forrest Gump's password? One, Forrest, one.

Okay. That is a classic. That is a good joke. I've never heard that one. You've never heard that one? That's what I just said. Being attacked. I've never heard that one.

I get that it's probably been around for, what, 20 years? It's a Forrest Gump joke. All right, I got one. Here we go. And I'll ask Mike this one because it kind of fits in your genre of life. Mike, what type of music do windmills like? What type of music do windmills like? I don't know.

They are big metal fans. Oh, yes, yes. And I have one more, right? Oh, that's correct. Sure. That makes it difficult. I've got all these Ted Danson ones I could go with. All right. I'm just going to go with. Alright.

I'm just going to go with this one. It may not work. Jason's over here laughing at his next joke or something. One of them that I have is it's just so stupid. Oh no, the rest of these are sophisticated. Guys, what do you call a fish with no eye? A fish with no eye?

Yeah, a fish with no eye. Yes fish with no eye? Yeah, a fish with no eye. A fish. Yes, that's the answer. Dang it. I wanted to deliver the fish. I'm sorry. I wanted to deliver the fish to the people. You stole my fish, Mike.

I did. I'm so sorry. I got it, too, because it wasn't with no eyes. It should have been no eyes. Yeah, you should have said no eyes. Hold on, hold on. What do you call a fish with no eyes? What do. It wasn't with no eyes. It should have been no eyes. Yeah, you should have said no eyes. Hold on, hold on. What do you call a fish with no eyes? What do you call a fish with no eyes?

I have no idea. Do you guys have any? Either of you heard this one? A blind fish? No, no. Well done. Oh, no. I didn't think I'd have to modify it to make it funny.

Dang it. All right. Back to you, Mike. All right. We'll go with this final one. Jason. Yes. Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music?

Really? He'll be Bach. Oh, gosh. I don't mind that. That's a good one. Oh, yeah. And I'm not going to go with this joke. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a newer reference than Ted Danson. That's a good one. Oh, yeah. And I'm not going to go with this joke. Schwarzenegger's a newer reference than Ted Danson.

That's good. Yeah, he's really hot right now. Schwarzenegger's doing a lot of big things right now. Smashing it. Got any Tony Danza jokes back here? I had a Terminator joke on my list that I wasn't going to go with, and I'm still not going to go with this one, but I'm just going to say this one.

Well, give your official joke. Then we'll hit some of the yeah we can go another round if you want I don't care I've got two more that I think are worth the cut let's go it sounds like we're going another round in which case all right what would the terminator be called in his retirement what would the terminator be called in his retirement? I don't know. The Exterminator. He's an Exterminator. Because he's an Exterminator.

Yeah, he's an Exterminator. Okay. So he's killing all them bugs. Wait a minute. Because he's an Exterminator. He used to be a Terminator. Now he's an Exterminator. No, I get it. a Terminator. Now he's an ex-Terminator. No, I gave formerly. So then the ex-Terminator

is killed by bugs. He's still killing things. Two Schwarzeneggers, one dancing. Let's keep it going. All right. And one Tom Hanks. Got the Ford Scump in there.

Okay. All right. Tough to decide your final one? It's tough to decide my final one. I'm going to go with the one that I think is just so stupid, but I love it. Why did the man... It's not even that funny, but it's so stupid.

All right. Why did the man fall down the well? Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well. Because he couldn't see that well. Because he couldn't see that well. Oh, brother. That's such

a bad joke. I'm with it. That's a good one. Oh, man. It's so bad that it is completed to circle the head. Exactly right. Exactly right. It's so bad that it's gone all the way back and it gets me in the feels because he couldn't see that well.

Okay. Well, then I know what my last joke is. I'm going to be appealing to you, Mike. You are. All right. All right. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other.

Jason's he's already dead. Just make me laugh. hold on okay he said one says to the other two goldfish are in a tank one says the other i can't wait to find out what it says oh no this joke is rude. Tell me more about the goldfish. Gotta know what they said, man. Punchline incoming. This is going to be the biggest letdown of all time.

Yes, it is. Okay. Skip it. Okay. No, no, no. Two goldfish. Just power down. Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing? Oh, come on. I told you it was a joke. It's crafty on it's crafty it's craft oh my gosh okay i'm back all right i have to close this thing down please save us hey i'm gonna keep the dated references going here guys what what's et's E.T. short for? What's E.T. short for? What's E.T. short for? I don't know. Because he's got little legs.

He does. That's why he's short. And that is a wrap. Owl. Man, Jason, when you get him going. how sweaty are you right now, my man? Oh, man. My tears of laughter are flowing from my forehead. That ring.

Tears of laughter are flowing from your forehead. Incredible. Spectacular. Hope you enjoyed it. What did we learn today? Oh, man, I learned turkeys get super pissed off if you name them Gerald. Oh, seriously.

I learned how to find out if my local ice cream machine is broken at McDonald's. That's right. McBroken.com. I just learned that Jason cries through his forehead, so that'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. SpitballersPod.com

is the website. You can come become a Spitwad. Yeah. Yeah. Scooby-Doo. Thanks, everybody. We'll see you next week. Stay safe. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.

Oh, that was a lot of fun. Hilarious. What a show. Thank you for listening in. And if you want to learn more about how you can support the show and get some special Spitballers goodies, head over to spitballerspod.com and click the Become a Spitwad button.