Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 124: "Eat This!" & The Best Future Technologies

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

On this episode, we discuss elementary school vs. high school memories and which subject the fellas could still ace an exam in today. We also have a ‘Jason Explains’ segment that seems super familiar. Have we done this one before? We close the show out with a draft of future technologies that we want NOW! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh, what's happening, people, before we kick off today's episode? Number one, I want to say, hey, thank you for being here. How's it going? You're beautiful. I imagine you look way better today than you usually do because you're about to listen to this podcast. But look, we need your support here at the Spitballers. Head over to SpitballersPod.com and you can get all the information you need to help support this show ways that you can get access to this these episodes early

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music music music music music music music music music what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason i'll take it. Oh, welcome in to the show. I gave it a seven.

Oh, Andy, tough judge. Oh, man. I gave it a six. What about the, what was that, like a skibbity-doo? You want to know what was great is the middle, he actually had a little tone. Yeah. That was in there. Yeah, I liked it.

But then his finish, it's the confidence level at the end. I feel yeah that was in there i liked it but then his finish it's the confidence level at the end i feel like that was i stuck the land you did you i got a six from this guy yeah there was a story of started eight ended six no it's like the signs movie you started as a as a young lad you had no no confidence you were finding your way in the world. And then you blossomed. You learned some things. And then you stuck it, man. That's right. No, no, no, no, no.

It was good. Let me ask you this, though, because I could move it up to a seven under one condition. Did you kind of run out of breath? No, not at all. Okay. It's a six then. Welcome into the spitball. It would move up if I didn't run it?

If it was a physical limitation that caused the the ending of the scat to not be as high quality i wouldn't hold it against you i'm gonna have to go back and listen to the tape but what i've learned over time every time i go back and listen to the tape it gets worse okay i'll give us a grade al for jason that was a solid eight so this was a this is the we great on the curve sliding scale but also Jason you've now learned uh fill your lungs to about 30 percent and then you're going to get a 10 out of 10 from Andy welcome into the spitballers podcast that was so brave, Jason. You're a warrior. That was so brave. Episode 124 at SpitballersPod on Twitter.

SpitballersPod.com is the website. We invite you to come and support the show. Become an official SpitWad supporter at SpitballersPod.com. We have more Jason on the show today, so don't worry about that. We've got Would You Rather a Jason Explains which deep breaths. You got 60 seconds. You got to talk for that part of the show.

And Situation Room. Okay, we're doing that today. And a draft that I think is going to be tantalizing of the mind. I was going to say out of this world. Yeah, we're going to the mind. I was going to say out of this world. Yeah, we're going to the future. I genuinely can't wait.

When I heard about this draft, immediately I had like six things that I wanted, and I don't think we're drafting that many things, and I'm already upset about it. Do you want to do it right now? Let's go. Just kidding. We're going to do Would You Rather.

All right. Would You Rather. I'm very interested for the draft Would you rather? I'm very interested for the draft to see. I feel like some of mine are really low bar. I have a couple. To me, it sounds incredibly cool, but it's really not that. I'm not changing the world. See, nobody knows what we're drafting yet.

Oh, we didn't tell them? No, so what you're describing now is very confusing. Stay tuned. Professional tease there. Yeah, I thought Mike was being... We've been over this. The name of the draft is in the show title. I realize that, but some people, they didn't read the show title.

Whoever does. All right. This question comes in from Sir Robert on Patreon, a supporter of the show. Oh, royalty. Yes. Would you rather relive your elementary school days or your high school days? Ooh. Ooh.

Now, do I know I'm reliving them? I think it's more about like the question could be summed up as like which experience did you enjoy more maybe you're you're reliving it as you you don't know you're reliving it you just get to relive it again which experience do you want to relive again you don't get to change right right things and know the future it's just like which is Which would you rather go through again? And it's hard. I talk to people about like when I bring up high school, grade school, I get strong opinions from

people. They either loved it or hated it is the way it seems to be. Like they wish they could be back in that time or it's the worst time of my life. I was bullied or I had a bad experience or I got bad grades or these things happened in my life. So which one is it for you guys? I loved both. I had a great time in high school. My initial response is, oh man,

I would love to go back and relive high school those were those were great fun days um but i get fewer of them right i mean i get i get four years of high school if i get to relive grade school that's i feel like i'm getting more time i wasn't sure if maybe you had more years of high school than than we did but yes most most people would be like eight eight years of grade school and four years of high school. Yeah. Now, if you take the middle school up. Yeah, I'll give you six. I'll give you one through six.

Okay. So, here's the difference for me. The highs are higher in high school, but the lows are lower in high school. The stakes are so big. Friends are mean more and are more mean. So, whew. Girlfriends. Fewer in grade school, I presume.

Yes. Especially if we're stopping at sixth grade. Yeah. Man. Yeah, I'm with you. I mean, we went to the same schools, so maybe that was part of it. But I loved my grade school days. I mean, we went to the same schools, so maybe that was part of it.

But I loved my grade school days. I remember graduating eighth grade and walking home from school that day. Oh, and you were the hot stuff? No, I remember crying. Oh. I actually cried coming home because I had teachers that I loved, and I was never going to be on that campus again. And I remember being really sad about that.

But I think I would go back. I do high school. Really? Even after saying that. Even after crying when grade school is done. It was all about independence. In high school, you had more independence. We had open campus. We could leave for lunch.

I got to be, you know, you could pick what clubs or, you know, I was newspaper club and things like that. You had independence and you had freedom and you were just like like you had your friend group that was everything to you there's an argument to be made though that the lack of independence is what was so great about grade school yes no bills no no jobs i didn't have a job there's no nothing everything is i'm not even making my own lunch you wake up and you say am i gonna play three hours of basketball today or four yeah Yeah. I mean, it's really bad once you get to, like, fourth grade, and you're like, I only get two recesses? Oh, man. I remember.

Yeah, that felt unfair. I was the kid. I don't remember what great had happened to us in elementary school, but the clock hit in the afternoon, and I raised my hand, and I'm like, what time is recess? What's the haps here? What is going on? And then they informed me, oh, no, it's simply the one recess for you now.

So I had no heads up. I had no awareness until day of. Were you furious? I don't know if I was furious, but I was definitely deflated. I remember sadness. So since Jason and I went to school together, I mean, not in the same grade, but had similar experience, I'm curious what your answer would be, Mike. Did you have one that you loved way more than the other?

I am taking the elementary school. For some of the reasons you were saying, Jason, I'm hungry. And it's, I'm Dad, I'm hungry. You know, it's not, with the independence means I got to figure out what I'm going to eat. It's, no, I am hungry. I will go to the cupboard, or my mom will go to the cupboard and give me some snacks or something.

Yeah. And for me, I often think back to uh like i played a lot of video games when i was growing up and when you're young you can like seeing something for the first time experiencing a world in a video game it is a lot different than it is now now when you play the brand new graphics all the new xbox games are you're like, oh, that looks so cool. When you are a kid, this is taking over your whole brain. You are experiencing this, not just playing a video game, but you are immersed in what is happening and you're imagining actually being there. I will say this, just about childhood in general.

Magic can happen when you're young, not when you're old. Yeah. I think it really has to do with the fact that the older you get, the more responsibilities and things are on your subconscious. So when you are experiencing something, you're not, the inhibitions are there. The responsibilities are there. You're not, you know, when, when my son does something, plays a new game, I feel like 100% of his brain is concentrated on it. Where, like, at given times, I'm going, you know, if I tried to play a video game now, I'm like, all right, I got like 30, 35 minutes to play the game,

and then I got to make dinner later. And I'm curious, though, when you brought up the food one specifically, Mike, about you just get to say, hey, Mom, I'm hungry. Right. I'm wondering if the food thing is going to come back in our draft later. I'm just curious it may be one of your I don't know I don't know it might and like when you're a kid so bring your kid to the grocery store you know back when you used to be able to do those types of things but your kid at least my kids I'll speak to my kids they'll just start dancing in the middle of the grocery store there's they're

not hearing the music they're just they're hearing the music inside and they're letting it out they're letting the happy out and you're like as an adult oh i could never do such things like this oh i have had so many conversations where we've got friends over adults who have children and we watch children play and just do things where we go, why can't we do that anymore? Why can't we just play and have fun doing nothing? I'm absolutely going to grade school. I'm going all the way back.

I want the child love in my heart that's now black and full of hatred. All right. All right. Let's go forward here. Noah from the website, would you rather be able to dance 20, 20% better than you can now? Oh, speaking of dancing. Or sing 50% better than you do now. So an increase of my dance abilities by 20% is actually a very large amount.

Right. Because 20% is better than 2%. Well, it's 20% times zero. What is 20? I can sing okay. I can sing all right as a musician. 50% though. I mean, now we're-

That's big time. Now we're talking, you know, I'm a good singer. So that, man- That's my vote. That is a tough call. You're taking the singing? Absolutely. Because I would love to be a musician or be able to do that part of life, and I've

always felt like that's the area where I wish that I was excellent. As a vocalist? As a vocalist, yeah. Well, I mean, look, if this question were reworded and I could get 10,000 times better at dancing or 12% better at singing singing i would still take the singing side because i'm not really when am i gonna use dancing you're in the grocery store if you're that much better i mean you can break it down but i wouldn't that's my point is like i've never been in a situation where i thought man i wish i could dance right now like as an adult

but you all the time you've never experienced man if I could dance I'd be up there I'd be cutting up a rug right now no because I'll go up and cut up the rug and make a fool of myself already but you're making a fool but my point is you could be cool I could be cool but but that would be at the occasional wedding or, you know, I'm not going clubbing anymore. He's crashing weddings. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, I heard the anymore too.

I'm just saying I was a young man once. Dude, you were at the club? I've gone to a club before, yes. I mean, I wasn't, like, huge in the scene, but, yeah, I would say I had a couple years where I would go out to clubs. A couple years? Wow would go out a couple years shocking big because we know you that's what i mean what is this shocking you know dad me we think we know him but he was a mime he was i mean we don't know his past that is true we learned so

many things about jason on this show singing is like you sing all the time. Puppeteer. Thank you, Owl. You know, I could sing, you know, help lead worship. I could sing happy birthday to the best. Do you need more than 12% or is that about? Well, look, the question gave me 50. I'm taking 50. Yeah. But I think that I can sing okay and then every now and then really poorly.

Yeah. And so I think this 50% would take me to just being consistent. All right. The thing about dancing, though, is that skill comes in handy all the time. It's not just when you're out there actually performing. You will move with more grace. your body will not be nearly as I have like the gangliest awkward white dad body situation going on and but if I could have any sort of class or real control bodily movement just me walking around you would you would be full of more confidence. I mean, we have plenty of examples, I guess, on this show,

or especially on the Fantasy Footballers show, where Andy, some great news happens or something, and he'll dance at the table. Yes, he does his bird dance. He does his bird wobble. There he is. Yeah, based on what I'm seeing right now, I think you need to go to dance. Imagine that 20% better.

Well, look, I think that I would change my answer if I got the 50,000% better, because then I would be the, oh, we're dancing. See? That's it. That's it. That was it. Oh, I am famous in my family for my bird dances. Yeah.

All right. Does it have a dances. Yeah. All right. Does it have a name? No. No name. Because, I mean, there's really no. Cock-a-doodle dance. Yeah, there's no planning to the dance. I mean, there's no thinking.

You just dance, man. You just dance. All right, Becca from Patreon. Would you rather stay in COVID-style quarantines for the rest of your life or have to go to every party or event that you're ever invited to. And if anybody asks to come over, you have to allow it. So you have to be the most social person ever, both directions. You have to be hospitable and let people come over all the time. And you have to go to every party you're ever invited to,

or you're in a lifetime of quarantine. So this is like hermit or not the game i mean yeah i mean this is this is tough it's a great question because you want neither i'm a social person i feel like this would be way too much obligation to have to see people all the time, to have people over to go somewhere. That being said, if the alternative is the exact opposite and you never see someone, oh, I couldn't do that. I would never be able to last. I view hospitality as a virtue virtue not something that i always possess so i imagine if i'm stuck having to do something that's considered virtuous in my mind that's the better outcome than the hermit self hidden in a room one so i'll go that direction yeah but imagine

how unhospitable you would be when it's obligatory and you don't want it. Well, I think I'd resign myself to this world and become a social butterfly. It would be ring, ring, Andy. Hello. Hey, Andy, I'm going to head over to your house. Fine! Maybe. You're welcome here!

Do you get a lot of phone calls like that though? The key is under the mat! It was funny that this came up because I had just been watching a documentary with my wife about making vaccines and how this COVID vaccine, how fast it is on the timeline of real vaccines. And like, you know, five to 10 years is the average timeline. And I was like, I literally said, what if we had to be quarantined for five to 10 years? Oh, my. Like, what if you had to? Because what if five to ten years oh my like what if you had to

because what if it wasn't you know i know with this specific virus people make decisions they can get it they're still a majority or what if it was zombies but what if it was like this is a virus where if you get it you die in an hour right so then we you know nobody's playing around with that right like we're all actually quarantined. We're all stuck in our homes. You would change as a person after five to ten years. I'd have to learn how to garden. To get your food? Yeah.

Worst thing I could think of. You got to live on a farm? No way. Not this guy. Kill me. All right. We're going to learn about something in the next 60 seconds. Jason explains in 60 seconds.

All right, Al, you're going to spin the wheel, and Jason's going to explain in 60 seconds everything he knows about said topic. It is great. You're welcome, everybody so what do we have deja vu oh that's easy deja vu is an occurrence that is where you think you've lived this before now the reason that it comes is a big question to most scientists but i actually do know the reason it comes the reason that you feel like you are living this out before is because you have done the same thing very similar before

and you think you're living it out and you're like, wait a minute, I've already done this. I swear it happened like this. And it probably did happen like this last Tuesday when you walked around the corner the same way and you tripped on the same thing and now you're like, oh my goodness, is this the multiverse? No, it's not the multiverse. It's a week later and it's already happened this is why

deja vu happens later and more and more in life kids get less deja vu because they've got less experiences where they've done that thing before so deja vu is just you doing something again and thinking is there a big giant purpose to this That's everything you need to know about deja vu. Well, that's certainly the most boisterous 60 seconds explanation that I've ever received. I'm a little scared. I don't know why you yelled at me. I don't know why you're getting so heated about deja vu. Well, I feel like I've said this before and they didn't listen.

Okay. He's been down this road. Deja fools. Deja fools. So is that true about the... i'm sure you made it up but is that true about the kids experiencing less deja vu oh of course it has to jason said it in the segment so never mind in fairness i don't believe anything i just said i've had some crazy deja vu before where it's just impossible yeah it's a weird phenomenon I think it was the multiverse.

The Situation Realm. All right, Sarah from Twitter has a situation for us. Your local wizard has sent you back to high school. Okay. Freaking local wizard, man. So I'm going back to high school. To get back in your regular lives you must ace an exam what exam do you take oh wow this is based on modern day knowledge oh my which i have intentionally forgotten so i have just recently um helped i mean all the time I'm helping my children with their math. But this week was finding the square root of a number, which I thought, okay, yeah,

I can do that. You've got a calculator? Well, sure, yeah. But I mean, I was just thinking like- I have no idea. I help people. Yeah. Can you remember?

Can you remember, Andy? No, hold on. Okay, let's work through this. But the square root is a number times itself. The same two numbers multiplied together equal. Exactly. Like nine is the square root of 81. You still know.

Step one, know what the square root is. Okay. How do you possibly figure that out without just going, all right, four times four is 16. Process of elimination, doing every number. I did a lot of math that way in high school. I really did. Come back in a couple hours. They're doing stuff where it's like 3,308.

What is the square root? And it's like... That's impossible. Right. No one knows. Most things I... To be determined. I can either remember, work my way back there, or...

To your credit, you are very good with math like with percentages and things that whenever we need uh that you're our resident for the football show you do all of our doc uh algorithms and stuff that is that is true i think if you polled the people i would place in last on who they would expect to do that yeah well that that part's great that's andy and i get all the credit and do none of the work, but we just learned what a square root was. But the craziest thing is like, usually if I have to go watch a video to, to remember,

I go, Oh, okay. Oh, it clicks in and you're ready to go. Not with the square root, man. This thing is impossible.

Why do we ever need to know the square root of things? Because you've got to... How do you figure it out? You make a giant number tree and you find all the prime numbers and then you multiply the prime numbers. If there's two of them that are the same, each pair you take out of the square root equation and then you multiply those by itself. It's this crazy convoluted thing where I was so happy that I couldn't remember. I was like, oh yeah, that makes sense why I did not retain this one. So I'm definitely not doing a math test.

No, math would be a disaster for sure. I was actually super impressed when you said you help your kids with math because my son is now at the age in which he would need to help me with math, figuring out these things that I don't remember at all. So math is out the door. Now, what about your writing skills? Because when you're in English and you're writing a paper, and I believe, Jason, you brought up that you had to do a citation thing recently.

My sixth graders were doing an MLA formatted. There you go. I mean, I did MLA format. With like works cited. With a works cited. That's what we were working on. But that was freshman year of high school is probably when you started started that i don't remember it until college no that was that was definitely high school i didn't do high school yeah that's true i mean i went there i just didn't

do the work which i'm surprised you didn't go back to high school then uh no but you are 100 right taking the the english approach the the grammar and writing because i think we've gotten better and better and better. The older we get, we still keep getting better. We read articles and we know- I don't think so. Oh, I'm a- You think the writing one is the one you'd go with? 100%.

Let me tell you why though. We live in the world of autocorrect, grammatical correction, and a lot of that universe, when you start to sit down and really write, now if you keep up with it and you really, really write, you write blogs and you write papers, you're probably on top of it. But I have been embarrassed by myself when I have tried to do that recently where I'm like, you know, my sister 10 years younger, I'm like, you got to look at this and tell me. And she'll find tons of grammatical struggles or commas in the room.

I don't remember rules. That's the problem. I don't remember the rules. What if the test is about parts of a sentence? Ooh. The subject and the predicate? Yeah, and you're like, it's a prepositional phrase. What is a prepositional phrase?

Does anybody know what that is? That's like when you're really in love with a phrase and you go on the top of a mountain and get on one knee. That's right. And you prepose to it? Yeah. Very nice. Now, that's a good point, Mike. This says it's a quiz, not an essay.

It could be anything. But a quiz in grammar and English would be those type of things. It says an exam. Okay. Because I'm thinking, okay, what other classes are there? You could go history. I was fascinated with history, so I might remember it the most. I am out.

No way on planet earth would i even get a 50 f on a history exam yeah like what about a map of the united states and to live or die you've got to get half of it right geography out i'm out i mean it's got to be it's got to be english that's that's my chance. Unless there's like a theater test. I think what we've learned here is great news if you wanted to go back to high school. Because we're staying there. Yeah, I was going to say. We're staying there forever.

Now, the nice thing about this question is it says you have to ace the exam to get back to your regular lives. If you don't ace it, you're right where you need to be. Eventually, I'll ace it. Eventually you'll get it. All right. Eric from the website, you are assigned with the challenge of making a three ingredient sandwich that beats and replaces the BLT. What three ingredients will you choose to replace such a classic? Well, let me throw out something. I think I'll find some other people who believe this with me. The BLT just kind of sucks. Well, here's the problem with the BLT is one-third of the ingredients are terrible.

Tomatoes. The tea. Yeah. I mean, give me a BL. Sure. All right. Give me some B. Can I get the B, please?

Yeah. Can I get a bacon sandwich? A BLT naturally comes I get the B, please? Yeah. Can I get a bacon sandwich? A BLT naturally comes with mayonnaise on it, right? Yeah, it does. So this whole thing where a three ingredient, that's a bit of a lie. It's shenanigans. Bit of a farce. And the bread is so disrespected here.

Yeah. They're a major part of this sandwich. B-B-L-T-M. That's right. Well, here's the problem that I have with the basic BLT, beyond the tomato, which is a problem. I don't find bacon alone to be

a viable core meat to a sandwich. It is very crispy. You don't have a consistency unless you're really overloading the B, then you've got some consistency there but uh i feel like bacon is a it's a complimentary meat it is a secondary meat am i right no you're 100

right um my my daughter for a long time when we'd go to subway my wife would let her get a bacon and cheese sandwich that was just what like on flatbread and i. And I'm like, you're not getting a sandwich. It works, though. If you're putting the cheese on it, that works for me. Yeah, bacon and cheese. But I had the same feeling you have where it's like, this doesn't count. Bacon will work as the primary meat of an egg and cheese sandwich. Well, that's because the egg is the base.

Because the egg is the base. I mean, we can go back to sentence structure here. I don't know what would be what. Yeah, prepositional pancreas. Yeah. How is it that bacon is so delicious and can go with so many things? Oh, yeah, bacon bits on top of something. My breakfast.

How can I make this breakfast better? All right, I'll put some bacon. Yes. My salad. How am I going to make this salad better? I know. I'll throw some bacon. You want some mashed potatoes, Mike? Oh, make this better. Wait, hold on. some bacon. My salad. How am I going to make this salad better? I know. I'll throw some bacon. Oh, you want some mashed potatoes, Mike? Oh, make this better. Wait, hold on.

You go bacon and your mashed potatoes? You go bacon. Oh, yeah, if you're loaded. It's so normal. I don't even think about bacon. You forget they're there. I don't even think about bacon being in it. I just expect bacon to be everywhere. But it's everywhere. But it's nothing.

There's no soul. Bacon has no soul. I think we agree on that. They have a lot of cholesterol, though. But if you were rebuilding a three-ingredient sandwich. I'm starting with salami. Really? Salami is my base meat.

Okay. Really? Yeah. I think it is underrated, disrespected. I thought it was salami in my basement. underrated. I thought it was salami in my basement. It's super good because it's as delicious

as bacon for purposes of a sandwich, but it's an official meat. I mean, salami. It is a petition for official meathood in one. I like salami. What's your base meat, Mike? Let's start with base meats here. This is kind of like a draft, but what's your base meat?

Is it turkey? Oh, Mike. Let's start with base meats here. This is kind of like a draft, but what's your base meat? I mean- Is it turkey? Oh, turkey. Good one. Okay, so then- Roast beef. Beef is fine. I'm pretty boring, though.

As I disparage turkey, I will go with chicken. Okay, but is that like a chicken breast? Is that like sliced chicken? Is that the- He was thinking deli chicken. Yeah, we were in the world of deli. Deli chicken, I feel like, is the least used of the deli meats. Yeah, because it's the second worst next to turkey.

Okay. Wait, you think turkey stinks too? Of course I do. Yeah, no one, turkey. I mean, don't get me wrong. Get it out of here. It's healthy. My base meat is ham.

Okay. Oh, delicious. See, I can respect the ham. Guess what? Hot shot BLT, listen up. You ever heard of a ham and cheese sandwich? That's two ingredients and it's great. Ham and cheese sandwich is great.

They don't even need that third. No. You know what a ham and cheese sandwich uses? Mayo for its third ingredient. It doesn't try to skirt the three ingredient rule. Ham and cheese, baby. So cheese is definitely the next ingredient. So it's got to be, for me, salami, cheese.

Cheese is... What's your best cheese? ingredient so it's got to be for me salami cheese cheese is what's your best cheese who my best cheese is i hate to say this i really do but it's the honest truth it's america oh no no no is that the fake cheese it's it's craft singles man i'm telling you it's not even cheese it don't matter it's so good i see Al Borland shaking his head. Now, we're missing the best base meat. Are you going with like a steak or like a roast beef? Oh, okay.

You know what pastrami? I've grown into my love of pastrami. Pastrami is at least. That might be the best. Oh, my gosh. A pastrami with some like coleslaw? Yeah. A pastrami?

Okay. I would go pastrami, Thousand Island, coleslaw yeah if you a pastrami if you get okay i would go pastrami thousand island coleslaw okay i'm with mike that's my sandwich i mean i won't see honestly can we go but i will eat that sandwich all the time i'm going all day every day salami craft single and i gotta have crunch so i'm going either lettuce or onion i lettucetuce if it's allowed. Oh, man. Onion. I'm sure it's fine. It's just the thought of a salami, a fake plastic cheese, and onion. Sounds good, doesn't it?

All right. James from Patreon. Thank you for your support. Has a question. No, I'm going to go with this one. Joe from the website. Without using any numbers, describe your weight to somebody. Has a question. No, I'm going to go with this one. Joe from the website. Without using any numbers, describe your weight to somebody. Oh, okay.

All right. We did this with our height before. Okay, that's what's familiar to me. So without using any numbers, describe your weight to somebody. Now, what is a stone? As in like for weight. You know, like people are like, what do you weigh? Oh, about two stone. Is that 100 pounds? No, I think As in like for weight. You know, like people are like, what do you weigh? Oh, about two stone. Is that 100 pounds?

No, I think it's like 15 pounds or... So if you weigh... 14. 14? Yeah, a stone to me is a rock that you pick up with two hands. I know that, but hold on. 14 pounds? Yes.

That's a stone? Yes. Okay. I can't weigh like 52 stones. 52? Do the math on that. I told you, I don't know what a square root 52? Do the math on that. I told you I don't know what a square root is. Give me 52 times 14.

728. Yeah, what's wrong with that? How much do you guys weigh? But the thing is, across the globe, that is actually the more common way to tell weight. So you can't use stone. You're also still using numbers. Yeah, you're using numbers. Here's what I would say to someone i weigh way more than you think that's what i would say to

them and they'd say no yeah i'd be like no just whatever number is in your head is larger than that add 20 and then add another five huh i. Yeah. I weigh way more. Have you ever lifted something? Now imagine not being able to lift something. What's the heaviest thing you can lift? Lift two of them at once. Yeah. That's me.

Okay. What is the average amount of weight a person can carry? For like, I think I've got mine. My weight, how much do you weigh? A sturdy desk. Ooh, okay. Yeah, people are weird because they're, you know, lifting them, it's hard. They're long.

A desk? Well, not a desk, too, I guess. But, I mean, I get that. Like a desk and a person, sometimes something that weighs more, if it's in the right compact form, you can carry easier than something that weighs less but is misshapen like your body I think Mike's comp is perfect here a sturdy

desk because I can visualize it I know we're not talking about some cheap Ikea I screwed the legs on thing we're talking about a wooden desk yeah this is oak it's just a sturdy desk and Jason just says like a sturdy desk but you leave the drawers in I feel like if we're going with a sturdy desk but way more than you think a sturdy desk but you leave the drawers in i feel like if we're going with a

sturdy desk but way more than you think a sturdy desk way if rich mahogany um a dense wood if we're going with a comp i would think more like you know like a uh washing machine so like i'm about like your washing machine you know i'm a stove yeah i'm a stove yeah i would say you you'd need a dolly yes if you want if you want to bring me over to that curb over there you're gonna want to wheel me on a dolly oh this is not this is a setup this is a two- lift situation, right? Yeah. Yeah. Team assembly required.

All right. I want to have time for this draft. So let's, let's get it going. The spit ballers draft. All right. We're doing a draft and, uh, we're drafting future technologies that we wish we had now. So this feels like it could be very wide-reaching. But what's the kind of core of this draft?

Basically just anything that we think should exist. And we hope someday exists. Yeah, I think that that's... I mean, we hope someday exists. Yeah. I think that that's. Yeah. I mean, we hope someday exists. Some of mine are pretty. I don't know if they could actually make this. Well, look, I'm going to. I'm going to wonder how constrained we are.

But let's just just let it go. And then if Al wants to buzz in with his infamous voice. Hey, guys. It's me. It's me. Oh, that was not allowed. This is me. Oh, yeah.

If he wants to do that. And just so everybody listening knows that was. That was not allowed. This is me, Al. Yeah, if he wants to do that. And just so everybody listening knows, that was... That wasn't him. That wasn't him. I know it sounded like a recording that we played. That was just a goof. It was an impersonation that was spot on. So if you need to veto something, veto it, Al.

Otherwise, butt out. All right. All right, well, I'm going to start with something that if anything could be vetoed, it would be this. This can't be vetoed. All right. All right. Well, I'm going to start with something that if this if anything could be vetoed, it would be this. This can't be vetoed. All right. Yes, we're good. Just established it. This is something that would change the way that the world works.

Change where you live to work. Change how. I mean, every industry imaginable. And I can't wait because i do believe that the science says that it's real not in our lifetimes teleportation number one on my list yes number one on my list too science i don't i think science says that it actually will never happen but you need to dig deeper my man you need to head over yeah what's the square root of impossible it's the quantum entanglement theory that that allows hope that teleportation could exist but i think that that would be one

of those i mean that would just be crazy awesome that's a whole show yes right there's a whole show of like can you if you're reassembled somewhere else is it actually is it actually you and blah blah blah what a prestige yes what's funny is that I did think that because the possibilities were endless here, that there was a chance you wouldn't take it. And with the second pick, I'm a little sad because that's the obvious number one pick. You're right. It would change how you work. Even super fast travel would do that, right?

If you could travel from here to California you know california in in 10 minutes you know you can live anywhere and work anywhere and that would be pretty crazy to have people bebopping all over the country but that was uh that was certainly the dream as a kid for every road trip that i could just teleport there all right so i gotta make my first pick all right well you've made it easier on me because i'm gonna go with one that uh would affect i don't know everything i mean we all live a certain amount of life and we all sleep a lot and if you could pretty much just eliminate that portion think about how much life you would get so my theoretical technology is something that changes the way you

sleep so that you only have to sleep 10 minutes, 20 minutes. It gets you the compact rim cycle, whatever you want to say. It's basically like- Basically, you don't need to sleep. It's speed sleep. Yeah, you're basically- Andy has invented amphetamines. No. Something for eliminating sleep. Let's just put it that way. But your body is still recharged. But your body still your body still recharge you get all the benefits as if you slept but it's it's the equivalent of taking a pill and you don't have to go to sleep now you know what i mean yeah and you don't you don't come crashing down later you are well rested at all times through 24 hours you're getting twice as much life i'm basically thinking i walk up to my bed i lay down i hook some up to my arm i push a button i wake up 10 minutes later and i get to

start the day but here's what's crazy you don't you get to start the night so now that's something that's really weird but the night is the day in this world because sure except for the light part of it like you can't really go outside and do as much, you know, in the midnight to 4 a.m. hours. Now, that's part of your waking hours, but I think we would be a little bit more limited and or a little bit more depressed living in a lightless world half the time, being awake and cognizant.

The mole people are very happy. They're very happy. No, just getting that time back. There's always been that risk. We were talking before the show about, I said I was going to watch some movie tonight, and you go, I give that odds about 4%, and I go, yeah, you're right, because I don't got time for nothing.

I'm getting eight hours every day for the rest of my life. Of movie watching time into my life. Maybe we work then. Maybe that's when we work. I don't know. And then you're up during the day day and you don't have to work. That's actually a great idea. Alright. Now

it's tough. I was checking with the judge. I needed a ruling on this one because to me it's great. Here's the problem with this is it's not as fun but I also don't want one of you rapscallions to take this away.

Look, if teleportation is on the table, how is time travel not on the table? What did the judge say? The judge agreed with me. But if we want to rule that out... That's why I was actually curious about the teleportation. I am happy to rule that out. Just knowing that you two cannot. We won't take it.

That's fair. That's off the table for all. Let's try to keep it to something that is like more pragmatic. All right. So number one, it's funny you alluded to the food thing. Yeah. I want a I want something that can make food and to like to make it into practical terms i'll just say a 3d food printing machine you want a food replicator yes this is from star

trek yes food replicators next on my list yeah it prints foods but i mean like i don't know if we'll ever get to that level where it's the replicate maybe we will yeah but it can genetically construct it like a 3d printer creates an object. It creates food. Yeah, and then it just puts little chemicals on it just like McDonald's does, so everything tastes really good. Everything for Mike comes down to can he stop making dinner? I mean – Bro, I am seen right now.

I started thinking when you brought this up, I'm going, this next birthday present, we have got to figure out a way to get dinner made in his house. We got you one month of a chef. Yeah, somebody to come in and live life. I am seen right now. I hate it. Oh, all right. All right.

You get two picks, though, so fix another problem. All right. So I'm going to take the 3D printer. So fix another problem. All right. So I'm going to take the 3D printer. And so I'm torn between a couple of these things here. All right.

I'll take this one. Like I said, I'm not solving world problems over here. I'm just drafting stuff that is cool. Just solving dinner. Yeah. I mean, that's now handled. My other problem now, so we recently talked about Kevin Costner because we just talked about Kevin Costner around the office. Yeah, we scheduled meetings about him.

At least three times a day. In the movie Waterworld, where my man can breathe under the water because he has gills behind his ears. If I can get some kind of bionic gill situation, and I know I can put on a scuba tank. No, no, no, no. No, I don't have to get ready. I'm always ready.

I just jump in that water, and I can breathe, my man. I can swim around for any amount of time that I want to. That's absolutely a good and fair pick for something like this. Having some sort of modification to your body is something that will continue to come. They already have the Elon Musk brain chip thing that they're figuring out. Oh, the Neuralink? Yeah, the Neuralink. I mean, being able to genetically modify your body to do more is absolutely a good thing.

And if they want to put it behind my ears, fine. I'm in on that. Now if I have to go, like, the deep from the boys where my entire chest is just gills, I don't think I'm in on that. Okay. All right. I like that. I like that.

All right. I am going to go with a pick here that, like, I doubt we're stealing a lot of each other's picks. Bionic gills wasn't on my list. You know, I missed that one on my list. But you guys overlooked it. And this one seems, I don't know how you want to describe it, but I would love the technology where your body is basically, you're being monitored for everything health-wise, just in the cloud all the time. So the kind of example would be you wake up and you

go pee in the toilet and somehow it scans your pee and it knows everything about you. And it's like, you have some abnormal cells. You should get like, this is how you get rid of all disease, right? Eat less cheeseburgers. Right, right. You can't tell me what to do, toilet. But the idea is.

Take a dump on you. This is what you get. Eat this. Yes. That might be the best joke that's ever been said on this show. Eat this. I can't make a compelling argument for this anymore. Oh, man.

Sorry. Eat this. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I think we're done with that pic oh i love it so uh yeah yep all of health is uh oh sorry no i like it health monitoring like well look you you don't get uh if people could be monitored for like like if something new that you had an abnormal cancer cell in your body, the first one. Cancer wouldn't exist anymore. Because half the time that you hear about people recovering, it's like, oh, man, I broke my leg and they did a scan and they found a mass. Right.

And they didn't know it was there. And thank goodness I broke my leg. It's all about being able to detect it. All right. That's a good pick. It's something similar is on my list. I think that's a solid pick, and I think we'll get there. Yeah.

With the health monitoring. It's just, you know. I mean, we just need to get way more advanced. We need to be able to do at-home blood tests and all that stuff. But if you could just know. But you got to be able to do a blood test without being intrusive. Right. That's why it's a device or something that's just running it all the time.

It would be neat, though, if it said something to you, Mike. It was just like, hey, this vitamin's low. You'll feel better if you have this vitamin. That'd be cool. That would be great. Yeah. All right. Because you're always just guessing.

You're like, man, I think I'm low on iron. That's right. That must be why I'm so tired. Yep. We have a bunch of Flintstones now alright Jason this is really tough because I've got so many that I want narrowing it down here and actually picking one I feel like is an insult

to all my other options so if that's the case I think I've got to go with something that's just cool and I think I've got to go with something that's just cool and fun. And I'm going with safe jet packs. I want personal aircraft is on my list. Yeah.

I mean, that's really cool to fly. I'm the rocket man. Dude, you're the rocketeer. Yes. The rocket. Oh my goodness. The rocketeer as a kid. Yes.

That movie was ridiculous. That was the best. I just think it would be so cool. Just go in my backyard, take off. I'm in Andy's backyard. Hey, here I am. Get out of my yard, man. I know I could have teleported here, but I wanted to see the sky.

See, that's what it is for me, where I'd rather, I wish both of these existed. I wish I could teleport because I don't want to spend the time traveling but there's times where you I just want to go up in the air and look down at the earth and see what what's what's going on up there who knows all right I'm in on that you have another I have another pick and I am going to go with space tourism. No. Yeah, baby. That's my next pick, space tours.

Bro, Moon Hotel is on my list. Oh, yeah. There's a whole industry. I can go to the moon. You want to go see Jupiter. You know, I could go wherever. You know, like in Total Recall where you just, I'm going to go to some. I don't have any picks left.

Tourism company. And, oh, man, I could give you my list. It's incredible. Dang it. But that would be awesome. Fly around from planet to planet. Yeah. And I'm sure in between planets because of long travel, it would be like a cruise ship, just full resort, all-you-can-eat buffets.

That's how my space tourism industry is. Oh, my gosh. Space tours would be incredible. If we ever get to the point where you can safely do that, what a— We will. Unbelievable. We won't. We as a people.

Yeah, I don't—well, I don't know. 98-year-old Mike cruising up into the... When do we get to Mars? It'll be a while. You think it'll be a while? 30 years. 30? I would say 30 years.

I think 30. Okay. Yeah. That's interesting. I think it could be under 30. Jason checked his watch. I literally checked my watch like... 29 years and 19 days.

What am I looking at on my watch to tell me something like, oh, it's 207 p.m. By that calculation. Yeah, about 30 years. I'm going to set a little timer here, a little 30-year timer. Okay. Check in. Can we make it yet? The clock is running.

I wasn't sure to call you out on that. You called yourself out. No, space tours are great. All right. Well, I'm in a tizzy now because I. You called yourself out. No, space tours are great. All right. Well, I'm in a tizzy now because I have – do I have all my picks? Cool. I don't. All right.

I feel like I'm almost piggybacking Mike. Hopefully it's okay. But I think – I got a strong back. Bionic eyeballs is the thing that I was going to go with. Okay. And in part of that is like all this technology that we have in our phones and stuff like that, it would be neat if it was just kind of integrated.

Oh, yeah, man. And so like if I get a little notification or an email, now that may seem like I need to put it on do not disturb sometimes. But being able to just pull stuff up on my, I guess that would be like my mind's eye. Or you would have like a hud yeah built into your eye bionic eyes are one of my truest dreams for my lifetime my eyes are already bad i've got glasses i need to update my prescription as it is but even when i'm to a 2020 vision i feel like i don't see well unless it's well lit. And I can't wait because I think that'll happen someday.

I'll be front of the line. How weird will that be, though, when you have to make the decision to get rid of your real eyes? Trust a bionic eye. I'll be in the middle of the line. Let some people go on ahead and pave the way. Maybe you go one eye at a time. Maybe. pave the way. Maybe you go one eye at a time. Maybe, but I do think what you could do with

your eyes being technology based would replace so many things. It would be incredible. Al Borland says that's about the part of the line he'll be in for all future vaccines. Right in the middle of the line. Okay, so Mike, you're back

on the clock. Alright, I Mike, you're back on the clock. All right, I have two picks here that kind of stinks because one of my picks I was going to go with is very similar to the bionic eye. I guess I'll talk about it at the end of the draft. My first one, I am a – if you've never checked us out on YouTube, youtube.com slash – what is it, Spitballers? I don't know. What is it, Al? That's correct. All right, we us out on YouTube, YouTube.com slash, what is it, Spitballers? I don't know. What is it, Al? That's correct.

All right. We're there on YouTube. I am a heavily tattooed person. I love tattoos. I like getting tattoos. If you're into it, nothing beats getting a brand new tattoo. But it's there. And it's there.

It's not changing unless you go have an artist work on it. But if I could somehow get a digital tattoo where essentially it's just, I'm, I guess I'm putting an O led in my arm and then I can, I have an app and I just get to, uh, you know, pick which tattoo I have that particular day.

Interesting. How am I feeling? Maybe I like can write messages to people. I don't know. I wonder, uh, no, I'm not tattooed and Interesting. How am I feeling? Maybe I can write messages to people. I don't know. I wonder. Now, I'm not tattooed, and you are. And I have two questions for you. One, do you have tattoos that you wish you could get rid of now or no?

I mean, my first tattoo is terrible. Okay. I mean, it's part of me. It's part of the lore and story of my life. Right. But if it was a screen and i could just you'd upgrade yeah you'd upgrade the software uh the second question is i wondered one it'd be super cool right you could change brightness or colors or stuff but i wondered if it would devalue what a

tattoo is in the sense that it would change it you make a permanent decision to and that that adds to why you love it well yeah and part of the tattoo is the whole process of you have sort of in what you have earned your tattoo i mean you sat through the pain for hours of the pain of the tattoo and you're like this is this so there there is a it's a cool idea you know some tribalism some uh some other things built into the tattoo but if you could change it all the time, I feel like everybody would. That would be pretty sweet. Everybody would.

Everybody would do it. Because I would do it. Because if I don't want tattoos right now, I don't have tattoos. But then when I want, you know, it's like, oh. Maybe make the procedure to get the digital tattoo very painful. Yeah. There you go.

It's really hot out right now. I don't want to wear a shirt. I could just, boom. I'm wearing a shirt now on my tattoo. Yeah, except your shirt would look like body paint. Yeah, I've seen it done. All right. I like that.

That's a good pick, digital tattoos. You've got some food. You've got gills, and you've got tattoos. What do you got next, Mike? We already mentioned it in passing, but I will take the neural link, please. Okay. I will take the neural link please okay i will take the chip in the brain i am now connected to the internet yeah yeah i know i'm i'm open to hacking whatever

i'm not worried about that right now but being able to access all sorts of information being able to interface with technology yeah thinking about i need my lights on i just thought about it and my lights are now on i think that would be now does this does this process let you learn uh i guess it would in a way it would because i've got the uh matrix learning system on my list i mean and so i'm gonna give that to you okay in this well i feel like part of my bionic eyes was meant to be that answer because it was basically pulling up information and your eyes are the HUD. Sure. So I'm not really trying to take that from you,

but I also feel like that was the spirit of mine as well. I apologize. I thought you were just analyzing information that was in front of you. No, it's okay. We're good. I don't care. When did, what was the biggest volcano eruption? You can't use your bionic eyes to figure that out.

Right, right. Just check my email. Okay. You need to know all eruptions. You can check the email that I sent you from my brain chip. And you can't access your Neuralink because I'm taking all eyes, unfortunately. I get all of them. All right.

You've got the Neuralink to finish it up. I am sad I don't have space tours I'm going to take am I am I do I want two sleep based picks hmm and he's very

into sleep or very against yeah or yeah very anti no I see what I'm struggling with here and I don't care like I know Jason has a pick left but I'm struggling with here, and I don't care if, like, I know Jason has a pick left, but I'm struggling with, like, the real time travel exists. There is a real time travel that you could, which is the cryo sleep. Like cryo sleep?

Cryo sleep is something where you could, that allows space travel, that allows you to, if you wanted to, you're like, hey, peace out for 200 years. Peace out, family. Peace out for, well well you and your family can do it together i mean so that would be one of them but i will go with like um i think everyone in 2020 would take it right now yeah just wait until the yeah unless you don't wake up uh i'll go with a what would i call this, a batch of personal help drones. Okay. So the technology on AI and robotics gets so good that instead of the thought of hiring a human staff

to handle all of the cleaning and cooking and all of those things, you would have such smart technology that it's handling these things at your beck and call. So whatever you want to say that is, is that a horde of helpful drones? Is that a bunch of AI robots that are your staff? I don't know. You're getting robot butlers. Robo butler. Robo butler.

Robo butler. You drafted, what was her name in the Jetsons? Rosie? Oh, yeah. Well done. Because if you had left it at what was her name in the Jetsons Jason and I were not here to help.

I was going to say Judy. So daughter Judy. Come on Jason. That's why. Who's his wife? Jane. Jane. Goodness gracious.

That's what I was saying. What's his name? Jeff Jetson. Jeffrey Jetson. That one I think I know. That's George right? I knew it was a j all right well we'll finish it up because people will want it now who was a j like george george with a j all right his son his son oh we're doing the whole family well people are gonna want neptune elroy elroy yeah that's what i was about to say you didn't let me didn't let me say um all right final pick here his boy neptune i have so many i thought for a second enough with the isn't there a kid show with a neptune in it anybody

joey neptune oh yeah there we go oh jo, Joey Neutron? Yeah, baby. Jimmy Neutron? That's what I was thinking of. Joey. Joey Neptune. His best friend's a Jimmy Neutron. You bet your bottom dollar. Oh, mercy. All right.

When you said, am I really going to take two sleep things, I thought for a second you were going to take what really all of us want. It's not as out there as space tourism, but just an actual successful temperature-controlled bed and pillow. I mean, someday, right? Someday they'll be able to do this, but that's not what I'm picking here. There are so many things I want, but the true thing I want more than anything is the 100% real experience AR VR world. Oh, the holodeck. Yes.

You want the holodeck. Whether it's the holodeck or the oasis in Ready Player One, I want the true virtual reality that is- Full immersion. Full immersion. Run around. Now, see, this is exactly what I meant by I wonder how far you guys will go compared to me. Because on my list, I just had VR glasses. Ah.

So, it's not. Like, VR is insane. If you've never tried it out, an Oculus. Hashtag not a sponsor. The first time when you put that thing on, it is truly unbelievable. But it's heavy. It can be cumbersome. I just want glasses that do the same exact thing.

But Jason's over here. I want the holodeck. The funny thing about VR and then the holodeck, if you want to tease this out a little bit, is the fact that you have to move. This is not watching television this is not playing a video game at your computer desk if you want to be in the holodeck you want to be on the pirate ship you want to be in the himalayas you you're walking in the himalayas that's not where i'm going you might put some cheat codes in there you die in the holodeck do you die for real no of

course no that's it it does shut down the system though and then you look around and you go oh man yeah um what other things this that was it right that was the last page yeah what other things we have on our list i had on my list you guys took a bunch of you you guys took pieces so i didn't feel like it was appropriate but talk about not going far enough the robotic body where you just you put your consciousness into I feel like we've talked about that Bruce Willis movie. It was

I had the name until you said that. Is that the one with Gordon Hewitt? That movie? No. Different one where they are surrogates. You just put your consciousness in another body. Exactly.

You lay down a little machine, and then you wake up somewhere else in this other beautiful I know Mike would bring up just uploading your consciousness into the cloud. Space travel in general. I mean, like a spaceship could have been a pick. Yeah. Flying cars. That's something we all grew up saying, like, I want flying cars. Yeah.

That'd be cool. Let me just explain, as we close the show out exactly why it was cooler being a kid than an adult. Every one of these ideas that you bring up that I think are really cool, I end up with an impulse that's like, that might be really unsafe. If I go on a space tour, will that be safe?

If I get a new space, I mean. First off, why is Al Borland complaining about space tourism over there? I know, I did a good about, I mean. First off, why is Al Borland complaining about space tourism over there? I know. I did a good about. Bowel Borland. Oh, no. We've got to go. What did we learn today?

Eat this. I learned that I would get in major fights with my medical toilet. Yeah, I learned that Mike has a greater than Jason or I affinity for breathing underwater. Oh, yeah. Come on. You don't want those bio gills? If I had bio gills, I would go under, but I can't open my eyes underwater. So I'd be like, now I need help me.

You can put goggles on. I'd have to. All right. What'd you learn today, Mike? I learned that the BLT is a sham. It masquerades as a three-ingredient sandwich, and it is not because it's the mayonnaise that makes it. Yeah, it's no good.

No good. The suit makes the man. The mayonnaise makes the BLT. And the tomato, throw it in the trash. All right, Joey Neptune, eat this. See you later. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.

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