Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 127: B-Team Basketball & The Worst Holiday Traditions

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Is Owl finally defeated in another edition of Liar, Liar!? Tune in to find out! But before that, we talk about being a b-team champion, how much money you can make as a professional bowler, and the amount of skill necessary to become an olympic curler. We close this episode down with a draft of our least favorite holiday traditions! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in to episode 127. Thank you for that introduction, Jason. You're welcome. I don't know if it was the performance or the compression over the internet chat we're on, but it was like the volume was down. It was real down. It was almost just real sensual. There's a whisper.

Yeah. Well, I'm here. Scooby-Doo-Doo-Doo. Here's the thing. No one has done a whisper one until now, maybe. ASMR. We're here to make the listeners feel things we want some we want to reach you where you're at and i know where a lot of the listeners are at and i it's on the it's on those uh filthy asmr

that's right and i just reached out to them you're welcome i thought you were going to say in places where they need to be very very quiet And they listen to this show and we try to keep it down. That's not recommended. That is not recommended. You're going to have some stares here in a little bit. That's true. That's true. Would you rather end our favorite segment, Liar Liar, on the show today?

Going down, Al. Oh, this is the time. Did I go two? I was two for three last time. Yeah, you didn't do it, Mike. Nobody's done it. Nobody's defeated Al Borland, producer. I thought for a minute maybe I did, and then I remembered I didn't.

You know, for a mediocre producer, you're really good at that game. You're great, really. Thanks. You're the best liar. Honestly, Andy, that is so well said by you. I mean, you are so good at that game, which is shocking to everybody. Yeah. Comparatively speaking. Right. Yeah. Compared

to other work. But continue recording the show, please. We've started. Let's get this. Let's keep this train on the road. Great draft today at SpitballersPod on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. Thank you, all you Spitwads out there supporting the show. Sending in your ideas for this show we take so many of your questions and your draft ideas and

we love them uh they are morsels of joy really uh for us has a morsel ever brought anybody joy uh sure sure you read you thank you for that morsel it was tasty uh and we thank you for the uh subscriptions and reviews on apple podcast and we've got a would you rather segment right now would you rather i'm gonna cut i'm gonna cut you off is what I'm going to do. Yeah, we are recording remotely today. You don't say. So some of the drops might be timed poorly.

Going back to the morsel question and the fulfillment and joy that that can provide. I am currently Oh, I know where this is going. I'm currently on a diet. Uh-huh. And every meal that I have is a bite. It's a morsel. It's a morsel. Oh, no, the morsel diet.

Yeah, the morsel diet. Morsel for muscles. Let me tell you something. Oh, no. It is not as satisfying as gorging myself to the end of my life i i every time i eat these delicious bites and i do mean like bites as my lunch i think i would like to do this 200 more times but i can't because it's all gone. Oh no. So that's how it's going then. You know, I'm down 12 pounds fellas.

Oh, two. Congratulations. Good for you, man. 12, 12. Well,

when you put on a lot of weight up front, I'm sure you front loading that diet. You could gorge on like vegetables and be fine. Yeah. Wow. That's, I'm just saying if you want that, the feeling of the tum tum being here's

the problem with vegetables i can eat a million pieces of broccoli carrots i i don't dislike vegetables i could eat them for a snack all the time if they're dipped in ranch and then it takes the entire purpose out because i we've been home making ranch lately and that is let's just say not healthy it's half mayo uh oh man you can put some sour cream in it if you want and then you go out you went up to half male is that because it's supposed to be like a third isn't it uh do you upgrade it i think i wait is this supposed to be a third i I did half mayo and half buttermilk. It's nine-tenths mayo. I'm going to be honest, guys.

I'm dipping my vegetables in mayonnaise. And it's so good. But I can't seem to lose weight. My daughter is the worst at throwing out that kid's line of, like, I'm starving, where I'm like, no, you're not starving. You just had to wait like an hour to eat between snacks she will come out and she will be dying of hunger according to her and i'll be like well yeah you can have uh yeah sure you can have a snack you can have unlimited carrots you can have as many carrots as you want right now you can have it you're starving you need

never touches a care no i don't really like carrots very much. Oh, okay. You're probably okay. She also talks like a really weird old man. That was Barney from the Andy Griffith show. Yeah, that was not my daughter's actual voice. All right, we're doing Would You Rather. Is that what we're doing?

I guess so. It's a wonderful life. Dad, we're so hungry hungry i don't like carrots dad father uh all right this question comes in from mashed taters that's the name over on patreon thank you for supporting the show would you good would you uh it's just a morsel. Would you rather be the captain of the B team or the second string player on the A team? So this is a good question. I remember high school.

I remember varsity, and I remember freshman team and junior varsity. You want to be the best on... Oh, I know Jason's answer. Yes, Jason wants to be the... Jason, if you were like, you want to be the best on oh i know jason's answer yes jason wants to be the jason would if you were like you want to be the best on the d league team jason be like yeah man i want to dunk on these fools and make fools out of them i want to be the mvp i don't want to why would i want to go and and play poorly and not be recognized for my talents when I can destroy other people and be looked upon as a great athlete

but is anyone looking at you because you're on he would leave the d league part out he would leave that part out of the story yeah but no one's watching it's true whoever is watching is impressed by me everybody who's watching the other league unimpressed. They don't know who I am. They don't know my name. They're like, Oh, that's number 11. That's all they know.

But here, whoever the, all five eyeballs, there's three, there's two and a half people. So there's five eyeballs, um, watching, but all five eyeballs that are watching,

or, or maybe there's three people and there was a horrific accident. I got, I can't watch this with both my eyes. But those people watching are saying, man, who's that Jason Moore? Who is that number 11? He's good. I mean, are you telling me you'd rather stink in a bigger league?

You're not stinking. You're on the second string. I mean, you get to say you're on varsity. You get to go tell people, yeah, I made the varsity team. You never get to watch me play because I'm a benchwarmer, but I'm on varsity. Now, Andy, where are you on varsity? No.

No, no, no. I played junior varsity baseball for a year. Okay. Because I didn't do any of the organized sports in high school, so I have no idea what that life is like. I have to imagine there's kids that make varsity and would never see a single snap or a single second of game time, right? That is 100% true.

Okay, so it's possible you practice with the A team and you're on the bench forever. I actually have a story where I played a lot of basketball growing up uh in these leagues and i made the all-star team one of the years and it was the traveling all-star team so you went to a tournament and you went with the team and this was like i couldn't have been more excited i didn't play a minute i traveled with i traveled so you know what it's like i traveled with the team. I traveled with the team. I sat on the bench. I kept waiting to be put in. I had no idea why I never

played and it was the most awful experience. You didn't know why you weren't playing? I was the best so I don't know why. No, that's Mike. Listen, okay. You've got to understand this.

The coach told you why you weren't playing. He just didn't use words. Mike, you are wrong, okay? No, I am not. Politics, Mike, politics. No, 100% politics. Here's why. Look, maybe this is just me putting my situation on here,

but the same thing happened to me in high school. Andy and I played basketball growing up all the time. We played nonstop. We were the best. We were super good. Yeah, tell me more. I made the all-star team. Unlike Andy, I actually made the teams in high school.

Were you on varsity? I quit before varsity, and let me tell you why. I quit because of what Andy just described. You can't fire me. I quit. They literally asked me to come back after I quit. Yeah, because they needed someone on the bench. Apparently.

Because I played freshman and I played JV. and i was also into theater in high school and i all of these we we had a here's here's my story we had a one-on-one tournament at practice one-on-one and this is high school so the range of heights on people are astronomical and i was a point guard i'm i'm not the tall guy on the team there's a one-on-one tournament. I have not been getting any playing time. I literally might come in for 30 seconds at the end of a game if we're up or down by enough. And we have this one-on-one tournament. I win.

I win the whole thing. I dominated, and then I'm like, I'm going to play this week, and I didn't get in one second that week. Because one-on-one is not real basketball. The skills are there, my man. I'm great at basketball. That's why all the guys who are on the And One Tour aren't in the NBA. Because it's a different game.

Okay. Better example. Seventh and eighth grade. Oh, no. We're going back in time. We've got to go even further back. We've got to go to my childhood. I made the team.

When I was at the Y, I ran those courts. My mother told me I was the best player on the court in fourth grade. She said nobody could hang with me. I'm taking the captain of the B team, by the way. That's what I just decided. I made the team in seventh and eighth grade because my best friend's father was the coach. And we played all. Oh, that's why you made the team.

100%. And I played every game. And I was great. And then that coach left. He took a different job. And I didn't play anymore. So, whatever. I'm going to star in the B League.

Yeah, I'm with that now. I want playing time. That's what I want. You talked about theater. You got starring roles? Yeah, I was the lead in almost every show in high school. Okay. Politics?

Yeah. Was that politics? Or were you actually good? Peer skill. That was peer skill. I blame my height. That is pretty funny. All right.

I'm out of here. I quit. You two enjoy doing the rest of this show by yourself. Oh, my goodness. All right, Mike. Are you taking the A team? Oh, I'm the captain of the B team. Let's go. Okay, we're all doing that.

All right, Mac from the website, would you rather be a bowling champion or a curling champion? Oh. And for those unfamiliar with curling, that is the very rarely seen northern Olympic sport where you are tossing a stone, essentially, sliding it across the ice and using these brooms and then you are cleaning the ice yes so that it heats up and melts a little bit

and stops the the puck from going and i will say two things about curling number one it is fabulous when the winter olympics are on i really don't care about anything, but I love curling. I don't know what it is about the sport. It just has an allure to it. But number two, how in the heck is curling an Olympic sport? They literally have brooms. That's the equipment. It's a broom.

It takes skill. I'm not taking anything away from that. These people are very good at their game. But how is this a sport? Well, it's always weird when there's like no – I don't know. Major sports have been taken out of the Olympics. I think baseball might be done or something.

They've pulled indoor volleyball or something away. And then curling is like, yep, we got to have that. Or the one where you ski and then you shoot a gun and then you ski some more and then you shoot a gun again. Wait, is that a real thing? Oh, yeah. Yes. So you're skiing with a gun.

You throw it over your shoulder. But it's cross country skiing. It's not downhill. It's cross country skiing. And then you pull the gun out and then you shoot and then you put it back over and then you ski. Dude, is that one of the options here? Cross country skiing is really just running on skis, right? Yeah, I mean, it's skiing on skis.

I get that you push. It's called the biathlon. Yeah, yeah. Look, all due respect, and really, I don't mean that to curlers who I don't believe deserve my respect or admiration oh boy um bowling is somebody made the b team on the curling curling high school team it's the silliest it's it's the silliest made-up game i've ever seen curling not bowling bowling is bowling is classic it's as old as time let's knock things down with other things. Just like all of its champions.

Just like its champions. Bigger and McCracken, my role model, if you will. Is there new blood coming in, getting in the bowling scene? Old blood. Old blood only. I don't think you're allowed to start bowling officially in a league until you're 50, right? And you have to smoke three packs a day, right?

Isn't that the bowling alley requirement? Yeah, you can chew because I know a lot of times the smoke indoors is not, you know, it's not liked. I think I want to be a curler because I want to slide on the ice. I think that sounds fun. Yeah, or whatever the person who launches the puck. He slides forever. He or she.

That's a really fun job but one of these sports i can eat nachos while i am at the top of the top of the top just like licking my fingers and then dry them off on the vent and then i go and i maybe hit nine or ten pins i don't know bowling like being a bowling champ, I think is a, let's see if that feels like a good deal. I also believe there's a lot more money in bowling than in curling. You know, you're once every $5 more.

Yeah. I mean, curling, nobody knows of it outside of, we live in Arizona. They might, there might be a curling scene that we haven't quite exposed ourselves to. Well,

here's what I know. Wherever curling is, there's also bowling. There's a bowling lane there. That's true. But there's no curling here. So, yeah, I'm going to take the big money, big paychecks, and that's right, I did it. I'm going to be a bowler. Yeah, I like it.

There is a grand – I'm looking at a – this was real quick, but a Wikipedia page for a grand slam of curling. Oh, I believe it. It offers a purse of at least $100,000 Canadian. Well, that's not a lot of money, Mike. That's like, what, 20 bucks? I'm not sure. 20 bucks American?

If there was a bowling. 77,000 American. Okay. I was trying to make fun of our friends from the north owl yeah get with it owl uh walter ray williams jr is who comes up for highest paid bowler looks like he has pba earnings over 4.9 million okay uh wait wait hold on hold on we are in the wrong business you can be a millionaire it's a professional bowler if you're good enough i think that goes to almost any sport that i mean not except curling it is

curling is you get a hundred thousand or less if you convert it into american dollars keep it canadian i guess this this feels really disrespectful what i'm about to say here and look sorry i'm not sorry about it how how long would you have to work to get yourself into contention that you can go and start like competing in bowling tournaments a while but i'm like a couple years? Sure. You could give me three lifetimes and I would never be able to compete in baseball, basketball, tennis.

You're saying the bar seems lower and that's why you think it's disrespectful because you feel like it's 10 pins, it's over there, and everybody can kind of... I don't know if that's true. It seems like anybody can do it sport. Whereas, you know, not everybody can play in the NBA. How tall are you?

You're 5'11". You're out. I mean, we'd win. Everybody can golf, too, but come on. But no, golf is really hard. Golf is the hardest sport ever. We went bowling for, was that Brooks' birthday or something? And I went, I bowled a plus 200

game and I hadn't bowled in like eight years and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just throwing the ball as hard as I can. You should hit the circuit. From what I understand, you can make up to $4.9 million bowling. I'm out of here, man. What's your final answer?

I'm being a bowler, apparently. I'm going to be a bowler and Andy is, of course, going to take the curling. And I know why. It's because it's similar. That's my side hustle. It's similar to bags where you throw the object and you try to land it in the right spot. Yeah. Andy is, or cornhole, whatever you call it in your region.

Yeah, shuffleboard or any of that stuff. Andy is outrageously good at cornhole, and I hate him. Well, Al and I are especially good together. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, wait, no. Was it Mike? Yes. My bad.

No, it was Andy and I. We won 13 straight. It was Andy and whoever. Whoever's on Andy's team won. All right, we're moving forward. This is a very sports-oriented Would You Rather. All right, we're moving forward. This is a very sports-oriented Would You Rather.

Would you rather be fantastic at riding horses or amazing at driving dirt bikes? This is Martin from the website. Interesting. Interesting. Would you rather ride the horse or the mechanical horse? I mean, practically speaking, there are certain places you could take a dirt bike that you couldn't take a horse. And there are certain places you could take a horse that you couldn't take a dirt bike, right? Or can you take a dirt bike everywhere you would take a horse?

Can you take a dirt bike anywhere you can take a horse? Yes. You take... Well, no, I mean, you can't ride dirt bikes through, like, city streets, but can't you take horses through city streets? Yeah, that's... Can a horse, like, jump a sick ramp? I mean... I don't think a horse can jump a ramp, no.

Unless they put them on ice skates, in which case, yes. Jump over it? So, yeah, I guess it's like, do you want to be able to do sick jumps is the the question to me and yes i want to be able to fly through the air so i'm taking the dirt bikes sorry it's as easy and basic as that i know there's other things built into this but i just want to do all those jumps my cowboy jeans are starting to come out here where it's like look i could be your huckleberry you know what i mean have you ever ridden a horse sandy sure i have mike wait wait have you know this is a real question if you're a horse yeah i mean not

by myself not like here let's take him out on the range by myself. Right. Like in a horseback riding event. Yeah. Where you just do the tour. Yeah. Yeah, I've done a couple of those. Jay, have you ever ridden a horse? I've ridden a horse, yes. Yes.

I've slowly galloped at the most. Mostly walking. The best horse moment of my life was... The best. He ranks them. Well, look, I've been best horse moment of my life was, uh, he ranks them. Well, look, I've been on a horse so many times. I mean, I can't, I can't even count. Uh, I was on a, a family trip with the parents and we went, we were in San Diego. We did a horseback, uh, thing where you're, you're mostly just walking, but then you get

to the beach and the, and the horses just take off, right? Like it's a full sprint on the beach. That's a rough ride. Yes, it is a rough ride. And number one, I didn't know it was about to happen. And I had one foot in and the other foot was not in the strap. Thankfully, it was not a disaster. I was able to get it in. But I'm on

a horse and there's a pack of us. We're all running full speed. One of the horses just starts letting loose. This horse is taking the full on dump and it's running

at full speed. And this is, and like, you know how much I laugh at a poop joke. Now this was teenage Mike watching a horse running full speed, just pooping everywhere. And you're like, how is this possible?

Was there somebody behind that horse? No, we were sort of spread out. So no one, no one got any collateral damage how can you go in your full sprint i've never gone full sprint have you gone full sprint jason no i'm gonna have to try it soon though i if someone challenged me to go full sprint i don't know if my body could do it oh no there's no chance if i was running i would never ever if i had a

diaper maybe if i was hopping two foot hops it would never it would never, ever. If I had a diaper full allowance. Maybe if I was hopping two foot hops. It would never happen. This has been done back in the old CKY2K video era. Wow. If you want to see a human do it, you can find it. I think I want to be amazing at riding horses. I think I want that to be my surprise talent. Would you be like a jockey or would you be more of the show horse where you wear the fancy outfits and you do the obstacle course? Neither, Mike.

I would be the master of horses that like the bucking bronco comes in that no one can calm down. Oh, you're the tamer. I calm him down. You break him. And then I break him and he's my loyal horse. That's me. That's who I am. And I rule the old whisk yeah i'm definitely taking

the dirt bike here because you want to know where i could put my dirt bike when i'm done with it just at my house in a stable oh okay just yeah exactly i don't have to feed this thing i don't have to clean up poop everywhere i don't have to worry about him getting out and just send him on a run and have him poop out in the street. Can you do that with your dog? All right. I guess you can do that with your dog. All right. I think it's time to defeat Mr. Borland once and for all.

He's going down. Liar, liar. Pants on fire. All right. All right. All right. This is the one. We've been strategically building the lore for Al Borland. For this moment.

For this moment. We want him to seem like it's an insurmountable task to try to overcome his lying. It's a show. And here's when we break that. So here's how it works. Three rounds, three facts, two are true, one is a lie. And today's the day you go down, Al. How do you feel about that?

We'll see. Yeah, all right. Round one. I'm going to be honest, it's going to be easy today. Round one, Round one. I'm going to be honest. It's going to be easy today. Round one, fact one. The name Jessica was created by Shakespeare in the play Merchant of Venice. I feel like I should know that. Yeah.

A theater boy. B team or A team theater over there? It was on A team theater, but... All right. Don't remember your facts. Number two, John Tyler, the 10th president of the united states has a grandson who is alive today okay hold on yeah all right just for this one yes he is do either of you know that john tyler is a president yeah i think that's right i i don't know for sure

that john tyler was a president but i know for sure that this had come up. And I thought that the chain of facts that he recently passed away. So hopefully Borland is not trying to do like a semantics thing, but I had just heard this tale. I've heard it too, Mike. I can confirm. We're working against Al here.

It was the 10th president of the United States, and somehow in a string of events, they all just kept having children at the age of 70 and that somehow has worked out that one of them is or the grandson was alive today i think that is factually true i think that is true i've seen i've seen that uh episode of 2020 or whatever the heck you're talking about ryan gosling chris pratt and r, and Ryan Reynolds were all college cheerleaders. Gosling, Pratt, and Ryan Reynolds, all college cheerleaders is the third fact. So you have the Jessica Shakespeare. That's believable.

You have the John Tyler one, and you have the Ryan Gosling, Chris Pratt, and Ryan Reynolds. And once again, I'm in full tilt. He's so good. He's so good at making up these lies i have no idea i don't think that chris pratt was a cheer wow was he i totally believe chris pratt was a cheerleader could have been it's between the jessica and the gosling one for me i think the tyler one's true the john tyler president i'm with you guys. I have seen that before. I've seen that.

If we're all destroyed by that one being the lie right now, it will be the worst moment of my life. Like I said, it will be semantics. He doesn't do that. He hasn't done that to us before. Which means, so you're saying you know that that person died. No. No.

I don't know if they did or not. I think he's still alive. I'm going with the name Jessica was invented by Shakespeare in the play. I don't think Shakespeare invented a name. I know that old Bill coined some phrases in his time, but not the name Jessica. I'm going to go with the Gosling, Pratt, and Ryan Reynolds one, that they were not all college cheerleaders Jason

oh man that is that's the most impressive lie here that is the most impressive lie if that was made up by Al Borland I will be very impressed I'm going to go with the name Jessica I don't think Shakespeare made the name Jessica

even though he made so much. All right, Al. Well, Jason, I appreciate your compliments as always. That was a very impressive lie. They were not college cheerleaders. None of them were. And Jessica was created by Shakespeare. Yeah, I'm alive. I'm still alive. That one hurts. All right. You're our horse in the race, Andy. All right. You got to go two more corrects. As soon as I realized it was college, I felt. That's such a good line, though. These guys didn't go to college.

That's such a smart line. Yeah, that's exactly why. It was like the three actors. I mean. How many hours do you spend on these? 10? 20? Legitimately, it takes about two, three hours to put this together.

All right. Okay. Well, I feel better about that. You're a complex liar. All right. Round two. Legitimately it takes about Two or three hours to put this together Alright You're a complex liar Alright round two Well if he was like ah just two minutes Then I'll fool you guys with a What kind of psychopath works for us Are we working Apples are orange

False Round two Kevin Bacon founded an organization Called Bacon's Place that rehomes rescued pigs. Oh, man. Bacon's Place that rehomes rescued pigs, and it's done by Kevin Bacon. I hope that's true. Are there a lot of rescues out there in the pig community?

Rescued? Probably. Cleopatra lived closer to the invention of the iPhone than she did to the building of the Great Pyramid. Yeah, I know that one. I know that that is correct. Okay. And a third one. A blue whale's heart is so large a human being could swim through the individual arteries.

I swear I've heard that one. Oh, man. I swear I've heard that one. That brings me great pain because i really wanted the bacon one to be true but i'm i'm locking it in the kevin bacon one is the lie yeah yeah i'm right there with you i i think the other two are true i know cleopatra thing is true and blue whales are gigantic so kevin bacon i need to make sure i do this correctly guys we get to throw out our answer willy-nilly it doesn't matter and and here's a cleopatra Kevin Bacon did not. I need to make sure I do this correctly, guys. I got to really think through this.

We get to throw out our answer willy-nilly. It doesn't matter. And here's a Cleopatra one. I agree with you guys. I think that that makes sense to me. The blue whale's heart is large, but you're talking about arteries being so large that we could swim through them.

That would mean that this heart, I mean, that seems hard to believe that is a humongous heart an artery is a small part of a heart but i don't want to like i don't want to like try and influence you one way or the other but i think you're underestimating how big a blue whale is bigger or smaller than a horse no Bigger than a horse. Just kidding. Here's the thing. Not all people are my size. I could probably not swim through the artery of a blue whale,

but there are people that are thinner than I that I think could make it. Are you a blood clot? Is that what you're saying? I would give him a full heart attack. Jace is just a big thing of cholesterol. To me, the Kevin Bacon one makes sense that he would start an organization called Bacon's Place. That is, I think that part is 100% true. That's a hard point.

I think the rehoming of rescued pigs is the lie. I think the Bacon's Place is something to do with, you know, a community center or something. So I will agree, Kevin Bacon, I'll lock it in as the lie. Oh, no. You guys all got'll lock it in as the lie. Oh no. You guys all got that one right. Yes! Yes! It pains me to say

it. And as far as I know, I just made up Bacon's place. I don't think it's a real thing. You should send him an email. That's a great idea for him. Oh brother. Come on Andy, bring it home. You just got beat up because of the random trivia fact. Round three.

The chance to defeat Al is upon us. Number one. I know this pressure. It's not fun. All right. Fact number one, round three. The fingerprints of a koala bear are virtually indistinguishable from the fingernails of a human. Oh, I'm sorry.

Fingerprints. The fingerprints of a koala bear are virtually indistinguishable from the fingernails of a human. Oh, I'm sorry, fingerprints. The fingerprints of a koala bear are virtually indistinguishable from the fingerprints of a human, even when studied under a microscope. Okay, okay. Processing that one seems outlandish, but also seems like science could throw that one at us.

I would have assumed their fingers had fur on it, but I guess I haven't been around a koala enough. Fact two, the music of the band Rush has been featured in more video games than any other band or musician. Okay. I believe it. That seems to make sense to me. Number three, Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto. Mike, I'm going to need to call a friend here.

I feel like the outer space is somewhat of your territory here yeah uh that seems hard to believe but i know pluto's real small that some people never wanted to treat a planet because of its size right my spider sense is tingling yet again and i believe that i have heard both of those first two trivia factoids making the pluto one improbable yeah the pluto one would be like i'm locking that one in as the lie but i will tell you my confidence is not at a point where you should put everything don't bet everything on what i'm saying right i i believe trust your instincts i believe that the lie is the fingerprints of a koala looking at the first two lies that al came up with they are they are you know they're they're so well crafted and thought out and a little bit longer i i think he

i think he got too cocky i think the fingerprints is the lie i'm gonna lock you think he ran out of time no i i think he was trying to be too just have too impressive with the law oh you got too cute even when studied under a microscope it just sounds so specific that it wouldn't be the lie but it is because he's a liar throwing in the comma and then the extra line is what's selling you on that a little bit man and also okay so like yeah i got how many times bigger is Earth than Pluto? I know. A lot, right? Wait. Yes, a lot. Earth is, right.

Yes. And so, you know, Russia has a pretty large chunk. Yeah, I'm going koala fingerprints. So now I have to decide between the two. Pressure. I don't think. I mean, I just can't live in a world where Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto, the planet. I don't think that that's true. But let me ask you this.

Let me just examine this. The moon. All right. Do you think the moon has a larger surface area than Russia? Because that's how I want to think of Pluto is about the moon's size. I think Pluto is smaller than the moon. Is he? I don't know.

Why did I say is he? Because Pluto is not a he. Well, the dog is much smaller than Russia. And it's don't know why did i say is he because pluto's not a he well the dog is much smaller than russia and it's okay is this the dog oh is this a trap it's the dog is this pluto the animal yes he's not even talking all right no hints no it is the planet i thought that was a rhetorical question that was it that was it. That was the lie. That's the trap because Pluto's not a planet anymore. I mean, are people like using koala bears all over the place to get away with crimes? I mean, are there koalas out there that are guilty of theft? I mean, they would be, but they're just sitting around eating all day.

How is a koala bear's fingers indistinct? Oh, gosh, this one stinks. All right, what are you guys locking in? Did you already lockistinct? Oh, gosh. This one stinks. All right. What are you guys locking in? Did you already lock in? Yeah. I locked in fingerprints. This is a delay tactic.

Go on. I locked in the fingerprints of a koala bear, and Mike locked in the Russia larger surface area than Pluto lie. Look, Russia is a small area of Earth as a whole. There's no way. That's pretty big. I know, but not relative to all of Earth. What percentage of the surface area of the Earth is Russia?

Not even probably like 2%, 1%? Oh, it's got to be bigger than that. All right. I'm going to go with my gut and make Al's day. Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto. That is the lie. I'm going to go with my gut and make Al's day. Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto. That is the lie. I'm going to lock it in.

Did I defeat you, Al Borland? Come on, today's the day. We all get to live in a world where I am still undefeated. No! Was it the koalas? No, the lie was the one you guys didn't discuss at all, the music of the band Rush. Oh, we just glossed right over that. I almost went back to that one,

and I'm just like, that just seems so plain Jane, like such a simple fact that it didn't seem. You got us by being just so routine with that fact. Rush, I don't know Rush. I mean, sure, that's right. I'm thinking of like Guitar Hero, and it's like Rush is all over the place. Wow, man.

You are such a liar. Wait, so hold on. By extension then, Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto, and the fingerprints of a koala bear are 100% indistinguishable from a human's. Yep, those are both true. I knew I had heard the koala one.

I just figured the rush one was true pluto pluto pluto okay what is this bonus vocabulary round al i just thought it'd be fun to do see if you guys could figure out which one it's another uh two truths and a lie oh no oh is it a little mini game okay we'll play a mini game vocabulary last one is that is that is that safe for work yeah i think I can pull it off, Mike. Number one, the way it smells after the rain is called petrichor? Petrichor? I would go petrichor.

Petrichor. Petrichor. Petrichor. Petrichor. I was way off. Samsonite. Petrichor. Petrichor.

Allegible handwriting is called griffinage. Griffinage. Griffinage! And the little rubber hairs on new tires are called tittles. Alright? Tittles. The little rubber hairs on new tires. That has got to be true. I don't think you're making up a tittles joke.

Number two, illegal handwriting is called griffinage. You guys ever play that game? The tittlesly wink? Yes, Mike. That's what we called it. And number one, the way it smells after the rain is called. That's the lie to me. I'm going to go lie.

I think the lie is griffinage. All right. Mike, lock one in here. I'm going to lock in. Yeah, I'll go with the illegible because he's trying to get us with griff. The griffers. He's trying to get us with Griff. The grifters. Okay. Trick us because Jerry, because Dwight was called his real name.

Owl Borland is the real grifter. You're all wrong. The little rubber hairs on tires. Tittles are actually the little dot on top of an I or a J. Oh, well, yeah. Dot and a tittle. Dot and a tittle. Thanks for illuminating, Jason. Mr. Obvious. More than one meaning.

All right. You knew this word? Yeah, you didn't. It makes sense. A dot and a tittle. Yeah. No. Or I would have gotten this right.

All right. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. What are weraft. All right. What are we drafting today? All right. Yeah, we are drafting the worst holiday traditions. The worst holiday traditions.

This was one that was brought up as an idea. I don't know if we got it off of the Patreon or wherever, but when I first heard it, I was like, well, no, all holiday traditions are fun, right? Holidays are great. They're joyful. They're wonderful. But then I started to think about it a little bit more,

and there are some things that are maybe not so great. Maybe it could be, you know, you want a holiday to be great. Sometimes you prune away a few things and focus on the very best traditions. And I will say we are, this is a very pro-Christmas crowd here. Oh, yeah. Love it. We are, this is a very pro-Christmas crowd here. Oh, yeah.

Love it. We might seem a little grinchy after this, because that's kind of the name of this game. And parents, look, we might talk about some stuff that maybe you don't want the kids. Okay, fair disclaimer. Yeah, we don't want to break that tradition for them just yet. Maybe they enjoy it, and you don't want the curmudgeonly adult do we want to just leave that specific high level topic off of this one

for that sake so that they can participate i think we could we could get rid of that high level choice do you know what i mean yeah we could we could do that all right jason you have the first pick and uh what is the worst holiday tradition to you? All right. The worst holiday tradition is when you look at something and you go, this only exists for one reason, and that reason is not good enough for this to exist. I'm taking fruitcake.

All right. Because fruitcake, nobody eats fruitcake. Nobody likes fruitcake. All right. Because fruitcake, nobody eats fruitcake. Nobody likes fruitcake. But for some reason every year, millions of fruitcakes are made and given and thrown in the garbage. I mean, it's just literally wasting resources. There was some fruit company who had garbage, old baked goods and nasty little pieces of fruit that were rotting and they thought how can i make money off of this and back in the day 200 years ago when it was invented people ate it and they were like all right this is pretty good but now we have highly processed

sweets and um bread much much and bread that is made out of donuts to begin with. So I'm getting rid of all fruitcake. It's the dumbest, stupidest thing. It shouldn't exist anymore. My exposure with fruitcake is like bare minimal. I don't even... Non-existent for me.

I don't remember. I know that people feel the way that Jason does about fruitcake but like and i know it's a joke in holiday movies like oh i brought you another fruitcake but i i don't know no one's you've never had a fruitcake brought to your you know family party i have i have there's always a fruitcake at mine yeah i've and the first thing my wife my first thing my wife brought up was fruitcake she said fruitcake right away when i asked about some bad holiday traditions what what is what

exactly is it i mean it's besides the fruit part i think that there's a lot of varieties right you can't you bake different things into a cake dog food so what you do is you take a canned dog food and then you put little pieces of fruit in it and you bake it. But what is it? Is it just regular cake and then they put fruit in it? No. Apparently it's worse than... That's what it looks like to me, but it is what Jason said. It says it's a cake made with candied or dried fruit, nuts, and spices, optionally soaked in spirits.

I mean, it sounds fine until you have to eat it. And trust me, I'm a dessert connoisseur. There are a lot of desserts that are old school, right? Like before they had real desserts, they were like, oh, some fruit. Oh, this is the greatest treat of all time. I have a bite of fruit. We're not in that time anymore. I agree with that

one. I'm very happy to have what I think the worst holiday tradition 101 on the table. It is far and away the number one because I hate it so much. I think it was manufactured literally and figuratively. Like most of the holidays, yes. Just to create a sense of, I guess, pressure to fulfill this one aspect of holidays and that is greeting cards as a whole

related to holidays. Dang, man. Greeting cards are... How do you take Christmas cards away from me? Oh, is that what you wanted? Yes. They're the worst. They are the stupidest.

What are you doing? And if you don't do it, you're supposed to be a bad person oh no i i do not do it i have never done it because when someone gives me a christmas card and this is what i'm talking about i'm gonna sound like a curmudgeon and that's fine when someone gives me a christmas card they're saying here please throw this away from me and that a waste paper and that's all they're doing you feel obligated to buy what do you guys do with when people send you the holiday pictures what do you guys do with them

well if i get holiday pictures i will hang them on the fridge for the duration up until christmas yeah my wife usually does the same thing either putting it up on a wall or something here's here's we like people mike we like other people we do like like people, and that's a key part of this. But I do think that 20 years ago, 20 years ago, sending your family Christmas picture around to other families to say, hey, you haven't seen people in a year. Maybe you won't see them this Christmas. Maybe they're out of state.

I get it. I get where some of these traditions started. But now there's social media. I see what you look like every day. You want to take a picture of your family and let me see what it looks like? You have a time lapse already. I'll just pull it up on my phone. I don't need you to send me a piece of paper with the same picture that I already saw on your timeline.

Yeah. So greeting cards to me, they've been added to so many holidays. They are obligatory a lot of the times and they cost money. Like I always feel bad when somebody has to spend five to $10 on a card. This is part of it. Like, I don't, I don't want this. What are you? Yeah.

Look, I know. I get it. I'm sorry. We're making, I'm making a lot of people upset right now because they've sent me cards and they're hearing me talk about this. I've tried to get this away from our family before and our extended family. And I tried and they were like, no, we want to give cards. So I was like, no, no, no.

I'd rather you save $5 or whatever. So okay. Okay. You can go, Mike. All right. okay you can uh you can go mike all right uh yeah aloe barlin has removed me from his christmas card mailing list thank you thank like you have done me a favor and you have just done yourself a favor uh also everyone else just throws your garbage cards right into the trash i just want you to know that because no one cares uh all right i i have a a couple that I want to go with here.

And this one isn't rude. Traditions, whatever. Just parents. Here we go. The freaking elf on a shelf. I have to whisper because I think that my children are listening to me. And look, we're recording this on December 1st. And last night, so it's the last night of November.

And my wife comes up and she's like, oh, you know what date is. And I go, no, what? Oh, no. And she's like, you know what tomorrow is. And I go, no, no, because I know what exactly what that means. Exactly what that means. That means that now I will be going to bed every night for the next 24 to 25 days, and I will be half asleep, and then someone will go,

oh, crap, we didn't do the L. That's when you... And I will go, you have got... And then I will feel the rage. I'm supposed to be in the holiday spirit. Holiday rage fills you. Exactly. I'm supposed to be in the holiday spirit. Holiday rage fills you. Exactly. I'm supposed to be merry. Holiday joy filling my body.

Instead, rage fills my body as I have to come up with another stupid idea for these things to be doing. And I'm just like, here we go again. Because I know that it's going to fall onto me. But I know it brings the kids so much joy. It makes them so happy. And it makes me so angry. And it's this weird, just bipolar fight. Sounds like parenting.

Struggling. That is just going on inside of me. And I hate it. I hate that a company is making... The company that created this, they are making billions of dollars off of a completely fabricated new holiday tradition that is trash. Trash. Our elves, plural.

We have two of them now. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got three of them. Yeah. They baked cinnamon rolls last night uh put them out for the kids this morning so you guys go all out the bar is set very high and come close to christmas i agree i will have lost quite a lot of hair thanks to my elf pulling it out of my head you two

sad saps i do not do this tradition and I have never been more thankful. How did you avoid it? I don't know, but I know I've been around you now for the last few years and I've seen what you've gone through and I've been so happy

that this has been omitted from. Now, the joy that you talk about for your kids, look, it's joy they don't know they don't got. That's what my kids are like. It's not going to hurt them. I'm pretty good right now. And then on top of that, for whatever reason, this has become a social media contest. Where everyone who's like super into it.

Like they're in a snowball fight. They got to put the picture up on their Facebook. Just be like, look what our elves are getting into don't you feel inadequate about how much work we are doing with this and you're not like get out of my life so you see those pictures and you think all those people are stupid and then you go oh crap i gotta do mine tonight yeah well oh man and mine just turns really into it's it's where's waldo where they can wake up and they have to find them nice that's fine that's that that wouldn't bother me because i just go and i'll throw them a pie somewhere and go to bed you don't have to make like an elaborate scene

wife gets so mad at me i'm like they're playing video games again. Here they are. Oh, my gosh. All right, Mike, you get another pick. All right. Man, there's so many good ones. I feel like I'm just polarizing and pushing so many people away from the show right now. This is the Grinch draft for sure. It is. All right.

Like what? We got four picks each. So we got 12 different ways we can crush somebody's heart in this draft with things that they grew up with. That's the thing about traditions. Some people grew up with them and they're just traditions because you've done it every year. Yeah, it is.

All right. I'm between, man, I'm between two of them, and I loathe both of them so much. All right. Whatever. Here we go. Here we go. This is Joe's fault, by the way.

Yes. Joe from the website came up with this draft idea. Joe, this is your fault, my man. But go on mike um look christmas time decorating your house is the outside of the house is it's magical you go i'll win it's a winter wonderland walk you go look what everyone has done to their house their lights it's i mean a lot of work some people put in crazy amounts of words that we have we have a singing house in our neighborhood as it's called because it's all synced up and they have lights that i can't imagine living on the opposite side of the street from this house because you know

the episode of seinfeld where uh uh is it oh yeah yeah yeah it's getting blasted by the the kentucky fried chicken yeah yeah that house exists my neighborhood, but that's all good stuff. What is not good stuff? Dressing up your car. You're putting the reindeer antlers on your car. You're putting the bow on the front of your car. Get that stupid car. You don't like it?

Get that crap out of my life. You look like a fool. You look like a hooligan. You're like, I have so much Christmas spirit. My car is festive. Get out of here. Get out of here with that because it is nonsense. That really surprises me.

I mean, you're a Christmas guy. You're a tree up early, decorations outside, decorations everywhere, but not the car. Oh, I know I'm putting some antlers on your car next time I find it, Mike. Oh, for sure. You're going to get an antler in the butt is what you're talking about. Wait, his car? You're talking about Rudolph? Yeah, he'll have a red nose soon.

Oh my goodness. I did not see that coming. Very interesting. It's one of those... It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't matter at all. Everyone can do whatever they want, but I see him and I go, you're stupid. I don't like it. Alright. Alright. I go, you're stupid. All right.

All right. I am back up. Um, okay. I feel like it's, it's tough to get it going, but once you get it out, it's cathartic.

It's well, look, the one I was thinking about going with, you guys kind of brought it up with greeting cards. So I'm a little afraid that it's part of the greeting card thing that you guys were talking about. So I will go... Look, I...

All right, I'm going to go a different direction. I'm going to set up a different direction here. So I know there are a lot of them. I'm going to go with the... It set up a different direction here. So, uh, I know there are a lot of them. I'm going to go with the, it's funny cause it's kind of correlated to the never ending holiday sales events. Oh, it's on my list.

The never ending holiday sales events combined with the mental picture of the husband or wife in their super modern $10.7 million home. Oh, on the car commercials? Wrapping up the car. The car is wrapped up for Christmas morning. You know that car. It's a luxury vehicle. And after they have got done with their automated house,

they go outside and give each other each a luxury car because of the holiday sales event. Look, it couldn't be possible. If it wasn't for a holiday sales event look it couldn't be possible if it wasn't for a holiday sales event that is available from now i think probably august through the end of the year it's the best deal you could possibly get get down here right now what's wild about those commercials and like good i know be giving you know give give to your spouse. Surprise them. I love, oh man, I love me a present. But the idea of one of us going out without talking to the other person involved in the finances and just be like, oh yeah, I just dropped 200K on cars. I didn't talk to you about it, but surprise.

That's how rich they are. They didn't notice. You don't drop 200K on it you just go into debt my my man you just take a take a huge chunk of credit out they need to combine that holiday sales event with a loan company they should co-op the same commercial like i get be like yeah babe i i bought you a kia and then you like, okay, you made a financially responsible decision. You bought a budget car. It's a good car. That's fine.

But these people, they're buying, I bought a 95K Mercedes Benz for you. Surprise. And one for me. My dad once bought himself a truck on his own birthday without telling my mom. And that didn't work. But that's at least just one car i gave myself that's what the holiday commercial needs the guy walking out he wrapped it for himself he opens it for himself all right so i think the holiday sales events they get a little bit over the top the commercials yeah i have you know they're not that good at deals no i i on my list was extended black

friday deals for a month like right now you know i i've seen a million commercials targets doing the whole like all month long in november is black friday it's like no it's not that day used to be actual absurd deals like i remember way back in the day i was a manager at a best buy we would lose so much money on that day because things would be sold for half of the cost and now it's like no they just use the the name and they why would they do that because it because it brought so many people in to the stores and so they would they would try to make up for the other stuff we would be selling accessories and other things but all all the big ticket items, you'd lose money on. So, yeah, the whole like, oh, every day is a great sale means that there's never a sale.

Yeah. All right. I'm on the clock. I got two here, right? Well, we've been talking a lot about Christmas. I'm going to go with a different holiday. Okay. And, you know, some people would argue that

the holiday itself is a stupid tradition um I know no uh I I know you know there was a period of my life where I probably thought that but I think we can all agree that even when we love valentines the stupid conversation hearts tradition of those candies that break your teeth. Chalk? Chalk hearts? The chalk rocks is what they should be called. Morsels of chalk. Chalk rocks.

They're like chalk rocks. I mean, it's like, look, we found these rocks outside. Put some words on it and give it to someone to eat. Why are we doing this? rocks outside put some words on it and give it to someone to eat why are we doing this and then and then our kids give it to other kids at school and you know and they love them because it says a word on it that's the dumbest tradition just get rid of that there's delicious candy that we can write words on sure right to be chalk you don't have to give people chalk where's i mean look at least not everybody likes jelly beans but at least you can eat them.

Like, write a little word on that. Now, the nice thing is with it being chalk is you can write words with it on a chalkboard. I think that's how it happened. I think that the chalk company came under tough times when all the school budgets started getting cut, and they have to figure out what are we going to do with all this chalk? Write a word on it quick. They'll eat it if they write a word on it. People are moving to dry erase markers.

What do we do? Feed it to them. All right. So I guess I've got food to start. I hate fruitcake. I hate candy hearts. So I probably shouldn't go with another food one here. Or should you?

Or should I? But I'm going gonna go back to the big event uh back to christmas all right and i i think one thing that is really stupid and it is a long-standing tradition that i've never understood is dumb it costs you money and then it takes up space in a closet for a year, is the whole ugly sweaters Christmas thing. You don't like the ugly sweaters? Why the heck would I want an ugly sweater? Why would you want just this horrific thing?

I like them. I like them. I like them a lot. You guys are bought in. You're bought in to the man selling ugly sweaters trying to fool people on how can we make more money. Well, what if we say that you should buy ugly sweaters? Because here's the thing. They were selling sweaters, to fool people on how can we make more money well what if we say that you should buy ugly sweaters well because here's the thing they were selling sweaters

they're like everybody has one already with nobody else needs a sweater what if we made it nobody has ugly horrific looking sweaters what if we told them they want one what happened was they were making them and then people stopped buying them because they were ugly they were hideous and then they said we need to rebrand. So now it's ironic that you're wearing a Christmas sweater because you are aware that what you are wearing on your body is actually super ugly. And it's fun. It's a gag. It's a gag.

It's hilarious. Here's why I don't like it. Are you ready? Sure. Because if you're wearing it and you think, oh, look at me. It's ugly. You're stupid. And you're not funny.

That's my problem with it. It's like what you think when you see the car. It's not actually. You're not funny. You're not ironic. You're not hip. You're just dumb wearing it. The person driving the car that has the big bow on the front of it,

they are wearing an ugly Christmas sweater. These are the same people. They are the same people for sure. All right. I'm going to go with a different holiday too for the sake of mixing it up. And look, I'm not a young man anymore. I in my uh mid-30s uh-huh uh i've got kids i've got a life i need my i need my sleep i know what is coming no i don't know if you do i'm good i'm going the midnight fireworks on new year's i knew it was coming okay because i'm old and i

i'm asleep by the time those things are going off. I don't wait up for New Year's. What are we talking about? And then I get woken up for half an hour. Look, if you want to shoot them off right at New Year's, that's fine. Why do they go for another 45 minutes? It's already been New Year's. What is the 4 a.m. M-80?

Yeah, man. It's not even pretty. It's New Year's somewhere else. Check it out. It's super loud. I love New Year's fireworks. You curmudgeon-y old men. I guess it's because I stay up late.

You guys are in bed usually. I'm always up at midnight. You're darn right. I got a busy New Year's coming up. I need to get my rest. But think about this. Think about this. Right now, when we're recording this, who knows what year it is when you're listening,

but we are nearing the end of 2020. And I'm sure- I might shoot some off this year. You're either in it or you can remember it. And the fireworks will be a glorious symbolic- Oh, this year is going to be great. Yeah. Symbolic gesture of hallelujah.

We are no longer in 2020. That's a fair point. I might omit this tradition hatred for one year, but otherwise I am a curmudgeon with the midnight fireworks. All right. Now, I don't know how to label this as a tradition. Yeah, well, because it's not like a tradition that you celebrate but it's just it's a thing that happens as you as you get older you get married and you have so whatever i'm just

going to call it the mandatory multiple celebrations and because i've got my set of i've got my set of parents my wife has her set of parents they have their own family stuff my parents have their family stuff yep and everyone's like what about your extended family mike yeah it yeah and then i have my extended family's like we've got our traditions that we got to do and what about the work work party and now instead of me just having a nice day with my with my family now i'm driving all over the valley because i have to go to multiple christmas things and by the end of it you're like i don't even like christmas anymore what is what is happening with it 2020 tried to solve this for you mike i know look they did a great job for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to lie about that. It was the best Thanksgiving

I've ever had. I completely agree with you. In fact, if I were to actually say what is the genuine 101, the one that is the worst, it is the innumerable obligation parties. That's on my list. That's what I mean, but you have to do it. You're obligated to do it.

You've got to go to this school party, and then you've got to go it you're obligated to do it you got to go to this school party and then you got to go to a work party and then you got to go to your your you know multiple different families parties and and it's like it's not it's not that you don't love any of those people it's just that when the 19th 20th 23rd 26th 24th 27th all have events on your calendar where it's like ah we've got to get this we've got to get everything prepped and dressed and oh it's that is the worst part of the holidays is the obligations okay okay that's a that's a good point i hadn't thought about that uh sometimes you just want to you just want to sip some hot cocoa and relax right exactly i mean like look we we've all been up till 4 a.m getting ready for the big day i don't have the energy to staying out till till nine o'clock the next night that was one of the benefits of having a small baby for those parties you could leave real early it was like i gotta get

the baby to bed oh i'd love to be here i'd'd love to be here all night. You just walked in. Yeah. Yeah. Baby. All right. You got another pick. I do. All right. I'm going to close this one down.

Oh, I'm a curmudgeon. All right. Yeah, this has been real. We need like best holiday traditions mixed in. Because I love Christmas so much. I know. best holiday traditions mixed in because i love christmas so much i know um and this is very 2020 though it's perfect this one this is a struggle for me because look it has its time it has its place i am a musician i love music i love christmas music but but bro christmas caroling yeah what what is the deal yeah with christmas caroling

and i was forced to be a part of this as a child the entire right family we would go we would do door-to-door caroling and i can't imagine being the grown- who's like, who is ringing my door on Christmas Eve or Christmas? What is happening? Who is this? And you open the door and then there's just a giant family all singing at me. And now what do you do? Now what do I do?

I stand in that doorway with a big fake smile on my face going, when are you going to- What do you say when it's over? What do you say? Thank you very much. I mean, you do you give money you give them a tip just slowly close the door what if they go into song number two when they're no and then they launch into like the 12 days of christmas the the song that should not be should never have existed. That is the worst Christmas carol of all time. But look, I've been a part of it, and I apologize in front of all family, people listening to the show, everyone.

I apologize for me participating in door-to-door caroling. I was forced into it. And look, when Charles Dickens was alive, whenever that was, hundreds of years ago, they didn't have TVs. They didn't have audio systems. They didn't have records. They didn't have CDs.

They didn't have MP3s. You could only hear music live. That doesn't exist anymore. I want to hear Holly Jolly Christmas christmas uh hey alexa play holly jolly christmas i don't need your garbage family coming up singing your all off pitch get out of here i don't want to see you yeah you don't need your netflix episode interrupted by the neighbors down the street telling you singing you a song you don't want to hear. It's this is,

this is not holiday, but it's funny how when you're a kid, the doorbell rings. It's one, it's like the most exciting thing in the world. And as an adult, now, every time I hear the door, I go,

Oh, please be a package. Please just be a package. I can't handle if someone's at my door right now. All right. I'm going to give you my final pick here. Many to choose from, but I'm going to go with the only one that makes 10 to 15 people all

simultaneously burn and set on fire $25 each. And that is the white elephant gift exchanges. Oh my gosh. Christmas. They're so bad. It's getting 10 to 15 people to buy and exchange junk with one another that nobody possibly needs or wants. There's always one kind of good gift that all the people wish they were the ones that got that.

Everybody else got junk. You got a sweater the wrong size you got a set of holiday mugs that you're never going to use you uh i know that they can be funny and sometimes the gag ones are all right but all in all you're burnt it's it's like putting the greeting cards one on overdrive you're just burning up twenty dollars from it would you like give me twenty dollars let me rip it up for you you give me twenty dollars i'll rip it up for you so i am gonna go with white elephant exchanges you play the game and then at the end of the night everyone

everyone's leaving people like does anybody want want any of this that's right can i leave it here i don't want to take it home except for the one gift that caused a fight between friends because they actually stole it. Well, it's because everybody was told it's a $20 budget, but one friend bought it something for $100. And that item got in there. Yeah, Michael Scott showed up. I love you this many dollars worth.

That's right. That's right. All right. Am I the last pick here? You are. You get to close it down. So I can't believe. I just assumed Mike was waiting for his last pick to pick like the April Fool's Day gags

that he hates so much. But you didn't get it, Mike. It's not on your poll. That's true. And I will, of course, not draft that because that's one of the best. I don't consider that a holiday. Oh. So by not choosing it, he insulted the not holiday even more.

Yeah, that's fair. But it was a great point. I should have thought of that and taken that because that's the stupidest. That's fair. If we're talking stupid things that are just dumb, you know, like there's always the little quirks about certain holidays. The mistletoe. Now, that's great. That certain holidays. The mistletoe. Now, that's great.

That's great. That is not done. But the pinching? The pinching on St. Patrick's Day? How did that happen? Why? I don't own a green thing to wear, and I don't want to go buy a green thing to wear. To not get pinched by strangers?

To just go around and be like, who's pinching me I don't even here's the here's maybe in uh you know different different cities or areas or friend groups or uh cultures whatever St. Patrick's Day is this huge thing to you I don't ever know when it's St. Patrick's Day I wake up and it's apparently St. Patrick's Day. Yeah, 17th of March, I think. There you go. I find out that it's St. Patrick's Day when I get pinched every 17th of March, apparently, because I didn't wear green because that's just not in my normal wardrobe. I will say this. I enjoy pinching my children, though, once I find out.

Right. So, yeah. And so they will grow up and hate it as well. Okay. All right. That's a pretty good one. So several bad holiday traditions there. I'm sure that there are some others.

Others on my list, I wrote mistletoe with a question mark. I haven't, you know, that seems a little old, right? Green bean casserole on Thanksgiving was on there too. Oh, get that out of my life. That was great. I just had overall fancy dinners. I had sitting on Sansa's lap as one to consider as well. You know one that is quickly, it's a great tradition that's quickly becoming really disgusting is the whole blowing out of candles.

You know, on the cake that everyone's about to eat. And then you see the slow-mo videos and you find out what's actually going on. You're like, that is a horrifically bad tradition to spit on this cake and then cut it up and everybody gets a slice. You have to do some testing before you get to blow the candles out. You got to do a few rapid tests before you blow the candles out. The other one, I didn't say it because it's kind of wrapped into greeting cards when you guys brought up why you don't like them,

but it is the Christmas family newsletter that you get that's like. Oh, that's one and the same to me. It's everything that's great about your friends, kids, and so much. Look, you want to tell me a one-sentence line. I want to know about your family, but it's on social media. I don't need to see the resume. They might as well include full resumes for all the children of all their accomplishments and everything they've ever done.

Five-paragraph essay. Oh, yeah. He was on the gymnastics team, and he did a great triple jump. Did your kid land on the moon? You can email me if that's the case. Those two. The last one that I would throw out out i didn't want to draft it because i feel like it would upset people because it is a great time but i actually hate it is

carving pumpkins oh that's the stupidest it's so dumb because it's really messy i'm out i'm a gargantuan mess carving this pumpkin to to let's be honest at the end my pumpkin looks stupid i'm no great carving expert it just looks like a dumb i thought i was gonna make a real good one this year it looks stupid uh it's not scary it's not funny it's just kind of like it's you know got a a problem at birth and then three days later it feels like you've got this rotting, smelly, awful thing on your porch where if you don't get it in the garbage quick enough, like even this last year, we were pretty quick. It was like the next day, but we had it out like four days early. Oh, bugs.

And so I go to pick this pumpkin up, and my fingers start sinking in the pumpkin. No, thank you. Yeah. Flies, flies surrounding it. No, thanks. We've got the pumpkin. No thank you. Yeah. Flies, flies surrounding it. No thanks. We've got the technology. We can 3D print our pumpkins now. We don't need to be carving out and pulling the guts out of them.

All right. That'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Thank you for tuning in. For a minute there, I... What did you learn today? That owl is unbeatable. Owl is unbeatable. That's what I learned today. Oh, okay. Jay, did you learn today? That Al is unbeatable. Al is unbeatable. That's what I learned today.

Oh, okay. Jay, did you learn anything? I learned that, yes, I did. I learned that illegible handwriting belongs in house. Griffonage! I learned that apparently I should be working on becoming a professional bowler. Yeah, no doubt about it. And the truth is, I guess I learned that Pluto fact too.

Dang it. All right. Add SpitballersPod on Twitter. Thanks for listening. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to,

check out Spitballerspod.com oh that was a good that was a good episode am i right guys the best gals i know what you're thinking you want to help support this show you're like how can i become an official spitwad be part of this special community it's easy you just go to spitballerspod.com click become a spitwad and boom you are part tough acted connected of and boom no more fungus on your feet and you're part of the greatest comedy community in the world spitballerspod.com click become a spitwad