Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 13: Pizza Toppings and Shriveled Sacks - Funny Podcast!

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

You do not want to miss the Pizza Toppings Mock Draft! There is a special topping description that you are sure to enjoy. Some absolutely great questions on today's episode that deal with hypothetical money and our deepest wishes. There's also perhaps the best "Would You Rather" question of all time. The funny moments are throughout and you're sure to love this Spitballers Comedy Podcast.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. They say anyone can make a podcast and we proved it we certainly have thank you spit watts it's a free market there's no regulation the barrier to entry is very low welcome in to another episode of the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason, you can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. The website is SpitballersPod.com.

We love your questions. We love your inquiries. Your life turmoil. You bring it here, we fix it. Whatever you want to know about. You just email it in. Yeah. Okay.

Good. Thanks for your reviews. Support of this podcast. You can find us on Apple Podcasts. And a lot of good reviews. A lot of people appreciate the fact that they can find some good old-fashioned humor that they can listen to with their kids in the car. Yeah.

Absolutely. That's what we're trying to bring. Share it with your family and kids in the car. Yeah. Absolutely. That's what we're trying to bring. Share it with your family and your family's families. Yeah. Monday nights should be spitballers time. Monday mornings. Mike, we drop in the morning.

How dare you wait till the evening? Your kids got to go to school, man. Technically, it depends where you live. Then they need to wake up a little earlier. Okay. We got a good episode today. A fun. Michael Wright dominated the candy draft. And honestly, everybody agrees.

I could not have done it without the peanut butter cups. No, it was the 101. I mean, when you get the peanut butter cups, that's really good. Andy, your draft started strong, and it ended poorly. Well, the man went with his heart, which I respect. As someone who has tanked many drafts on this show, because I went with my heart, and I just hoped out there there was some weirdos like me that agreed.

There was about 5% weirdos out there. There was about 5%. That's okay. The word I got was people were lost in translation when i went to rolo's that's that's what i got um you know what let's get into the questions that's a great question we're gonna start with some great questions get into some would you rather and then we'll jump into the mock draft yes all right the government is appointing jobs for everyone all right this is a hypothetical oh no it's not a public announcement they didn't the government didn't choose the podcast go get your job everyone this is the

emergency broadcasting system the spitballers pod you are the baker you are the baker you are the fence maker the government's appointing jobs for everyone. You can pick the job you want, but it only pays $40,000 a year. Okay. Or you can have it randomly selected and end up in any range of job between $40,000 and $600,000 a year. What do you do? This reminds me so much of the great gamble that is the game of life, the board game.

What a great board game. Except you always lose the little people, and then the game's over. To me, this is a Monty Hall. They give you so many of them. I lose stuff all the time, Andy. This is Monty Hall, and we've got, it's the end of the game. There's the three curtains, but they're going to show you one. And then you get to perhaps get zoinked maybe but

maybe get a 600k job i wasn't following the but the monty hall is where it's like what's behind door number one door number two yes you can have the boat or oh yeah or you could open the curtain up it might actually be worth money but your job might be a poop collector. Here's the thing. You don't know. When you don't choose the one you know, if you get dealt the bad card, you don't just get a bad job. You get a bad job and a lifetime of regret because you've made a wrong decision. And the regret is so strong.

And maybe you end up a $40,000 a year poop collector, you might get the double trouble. Maybe you end up a $500,000 a year pooper scooper. Maybe you're a 600 K couch sitter. Oh, that's the, that's the ticket. I'm taking 40 K and whatever I want. So you, you get to pick your job. And so since you get to pick your job, Andy,

for $40,000, what are you picking? What are you doing for $40,000? You get to pick any job in the world. I don't know yet. I don't know. Something I enjoy doing. When you grow up, you'll figure that out. I don't know, a boat sailor or a skier.

I don't know. Something that I enjoy. I like that you're a skier. No, I assume I'll be competent in whatever I choose. Yes, it doesn't magically make you. I pick basketball player. All-star basketball player.

Pick? You have to be competent at that? I think there's two things here. One, you have to be I mean, you're going to be you doing this job. I'll be the general manager of a baseball team. Can I get fired? I get to be at every game. I get to build that team and celebrate.

And get paid $40K. $40K a year, whatever. Look, if you're starting out. I probably get three hot dogs. You're just out of college. You get a $40K job. That's not bad. But we have mouths to feed.

We all have three children. We all have wives and family. Yeah, they're all going to enjoy Goodwill and Netflix. That's going to be their life. It's going to be called, hey, Tiff, get a job. I can only bring in 40K. Look, I'm going to take the gamble. You're going for it?

Yeah. Look, worst case scenario is I hate my job, which I think a lot of people out there hate their job. Yeah. You know, you just don't. Not everybody gets to love their job. And if I hate my job, here's what I know about hating my job. I am not going to care about that job when I'm at home. I'm going to leave it.

You know what I mean? Like we take our job. We love what we do. We take our job. Speak for yourself. Yeah. I love i mean like like we take our job we love what we do we take our job for yourself yeah i love what i do i take my job home i'm always thinking i'm you know sometimes working at home but you know there's that's a sacrifice too it would be nice to be able to go home you know i i i get i get told i work at chick-fil-a i'm gonna give great service and when i leave i'm never thinking about chick-fil-a i'm gonna give great service and when i leave i'm never thinking about chick-fil-a again till maybe dinner time now if you work at chick-fil-a are you leaning into the

the response of my pleasure oh 100 because i'm a great employee my i that's are you well like i'm just curious historically have you like have you been a good employee like you I know you worked for like T-Mobile and Best Buy and like when you were a younger man and you had a retail job were you a good employee so if it was a retail sales job I was a great employee are you defining that by sales I'm defining that by success for the company. The company very much was happy. But I also have been a poor employee. I got a job at a movie theater, and I showed up. This was in college.

I needed some cash. I went to this movie theater. And you get free movies. Right. It's pretty sweet. Absolutely. I put on my Cumberbund. They had Cumberbund's uniform. Oh, yeah, bow tie.

What? And I go there there and they're training they're going through all the training and they you know here's what here's what matters here's we make the money on the on the concessions here's sweep here's the time you know i do the whole day of training i go home i throw that bow tie in the garbage i never show back up so in that sense bad employee bad employee i was gonna bring up have had, throughout the course of my life, I have had one job, like an actual J-O-B, for about a week and a half. Really?

Yes. Because everything else. I guess I've never asked that. You've never had an actual J-O-B? Well, like a regular. You didn't get no movie theater. No. Retail store. Because.

Like I've worked at Baby's R Us. I've worked at. For the majority of my life. Harkins Theaters of Best Buy. I did music. So I was gigging, doing church services. But never the nine to five or never the like shift. You get a shift that you're on.

I worked at Office Max for approximately two shifts. And not for me. And that was definitely not the Mike special. Interesting. I will tell you what. When your friend gets you a job, right? I mean, my friend, you've hooked me up. Pulled some strings.

Oh, and then you burned him down in front of his manager as far as uh one of these jobs goes off it was they paid decently well yeah and then a weekend i have to figure out how i'm gonna quit and that was the most you just tell them you're moving i did not i did not stick the landing on that one i just used like the most vague excuses of like yeah I had some some things change in my personal life and I mean I don't want to get into it. That's smart.

Personal. It's too personal to get into but I have to leave it. And it's okay well so are you getting you know are you going to give your two weeks? Yeah. Yeah. He didn't give the two no two weeks i'm out of here it's really personal it wasn't a meeting it's super personal it's just you can't

get into it uh also i'll be back for my check oh my gosh so you're taking what's your answer are you taking the 40 oh yeah you're not gonna do well at the J-O-B. I'm taking the $40,000 a year, and I'm playing at some kind of beachside restaurant. You're playing music. I'll play the music for them. Really? I'll come in for a couple hours. I'm pretty sure you could do that right now for $40,000 a year. I mean, you want to go do that?

Yeah. It's not bad. It's not bad. Andy and I have been talking, and we found a great gig and we would like you to go do that. Down at Margaritaville? Yeah, but unfortunately it's going to take the same time slot that you're usually here, so

sorry to tell you. Jason, what are you going with? No, I'm taking the gamble. I'll work wherever and I'm going to get paid so much money. But you might only make, you might make the same amount as me and I'm living it up. In Margaritaville. I'm at the Tiki Hut playing my ukulele for the tourists.

I'm a lucky, lucky man. Got the Midas touch. Kyle has a question. He wrote in. He said, how late in the day are pants considered optional around the house? This is interesting. Every other week, we have somebody come and mow our lawn those are the weeks i need to remember to put pants on in the morning because we got some big windows in the house and i'm always because drinking coffee

pantsless i mean not completely pantsless right you're not underpantsless. In my underpants. Yeah. So I saw this question. Mike, you brought this up to me, and you said, you know, someone wants to know. Kyle wants to know how late into the day are pants considered optional around the house. And I just couldn't wrap my head around. I don't understand the question because there's no – is there a time of day? So what you're saying, in the Moore household, there is no time restrictions when pants must be worn. The only restrictions on wearing pants are based around the walls of the house.

It's are you inside or are you outside? Because I have to yell at my boys because they don't always know that rule you know we'll be there we'll be unloading groceries and it's like you don't have pants on get inside well that's the question i wanted to ask is have you done the underpants run the underpants you ever done the underpants you're gonna have to i did the underpants let's say you needed last night let's say you remembered that you bring the trash out or bring the trash in or there's mail in the mailbox and it's twilight or it's early morning and the sun's just barely coming up have you ever instead of putting on pants because that is a high that is an expensive proposition right physically you have to go find pants yeah and put them on your body make yourself Instead of putting on pants, because that is a high, that is an expensive proposition physically.

You have to go find pants and put them on your body. Make yourself more uncomfortable. Right. Step one. And look, here's the thing. If you put on pants to do a little underpants, a pants run, you're going to come back in the house and take them off. And that's a whole thing. Then you've taken your pants off to drink coffee.

Last night. No joke. Last night, there was something delivered that was on our porch. And I'm, of course, in my boxers. This is not pantsless. This is shirtless. Oh, no shirt, though, either. But it's just on the porch.

That's fine. I had to make the decision. Totally fine. Do I walk out in my underpants? Do you turn the light off off i can just see you drive by jason's house and that front porch light just ticks off and then this shadow yes this shadow we figure when you see my porch light go off yes i went out so you did the pantsless run the pantsless package run now do you have the dignity to at least cover cover your shame so yeah do you put your hands over anything a

hand shield out there for he's wearing a box the hand shield the hand shield slows you down and you got to get a package i mean what if it's big you only have one arm exactly no i that's a problem when you make the choice to open the door you're pot committed you run you grab you get back inside there is no time of day okay where does where does the ups man leave packages for you that you have to open and run well are you able to are they back behind the door so you have to go out back behind the door no so like our porch you open it up and we've got like a sitting area and a lot of times they'll take the package and they'll put it over to the side so that you know it, it's just not right in the walkway. And so you walk out the door, run to the right, grab a package.

And you're running the risk nowadays. People have cameras on their houses. Oh, everywhere. I do. So you could easily end up the next meme, the sneaky pantsless meme guy. Don't slip while grabbing that package or you're an internet star. So how late in the day is basically if I'm eating lunch, I need pants on. That's my rule. I am, just real quick, Jason, over under five minutes, you get home from work, pants off

time. This is a legitimate great question with an even better answer. Are you like an NBA player getting ready for the game where you just as soon as you get in you just rip listen prepare yourselves for this spit wads because i know this is gonna be bad this is not made up this is a real thing this is truly set them we did not know we were set them bodies free to do to do oh that could have been so bad. So I have this game. I have this game that I play with my wife. The piglet. We'll call it the piglet because I'm a little choppy.

And now you've called me a pig. No, I was. Never mind. Never mind. So when I come inside, whether it's from work or, you know, we're getting home together from dinner or whatever i try to get myself completely ready to get into underwear as fast as possible where whenever tiff my wife stops looking at me for a split second that the next time she looks at me i'm in my underwear this happens this happens daily so i will walk inside the house

pre-unzipping my pants and i'll say hi and she'll go and she'll turn the dish and she'll come back and look and i'm like superman walking into the phone booth except instead of changing into a superhero you're more of a super villain at that literally captain underpants yes dude i i am a i'm just a shirt off fella i don't really yeah i don't do the point you got like the jeans on with the shirt off yeah i'll really well i mean that seems super strange if it's if i'm in jeans that means it's the winter time and i don't need to take my shirt i'm imagining your shoes socks are on the jeans are on the belt is tight no shirt no sure it's indoors gotta get that tan but no i i go if it for comfort i go i go shirt off hmm so i've done the shirt off run i mean that's not nearly as dangerous as i i mean what's wrong with that well it's since i've been working now it's kind of a shirtless strut okay when i'm

walking the garbage cans out i'm like what's up uh let's move on would you rather all right would you rather we're starting this one at the top we're bringing the heat on this one this legitimately might be the best would you rather question i've ever read i asked jason before the show i said hey would you rather always lose or never play and he stared at me for probably 60 seconds not moving frozen in fear of answering this question it's impossible because all right not for me oh really wow i have an answer you have an immediate answer yes yes as i've grown older as a man i know his answer my answer is tell me you would rather always lose no well really well you have you have my attention you you said that because i've said i don't mind losing in competition you want things because it's competitive right but in this case i

would know i'm always going to lose therefore the competitive nature would actually be gone because i know i wouldn't win i would rather never play and the reason is is because the older you get the less potential you have as a human being right when you are a young man when i was a young man the world was your oyster even though i couldn't i didn't do everything but in my head i could and if i never play in my head i'm always the winner in my head i've always had there's always if i played i choose if I never play, in my head, I'm always the winner. In my head, I've always had. There's always, if I played. I choose not to play. Because that's what I would do.

I'd go. Dude, if you played college ball, you would have been great. That's my point. You'd come up to me. You'd go, you want to race? And I'd go, nah, but I'd beat you. That's my life. I would be the bragger that never did it.

Wow. I would be putting it all. I'd be like, next week. But then you're forever. So you don't get to enjoy any sport. But would you enjoy it if you always lose? That's why this question is so hard. So on the other side of this.

Sure. Okay. So you choose that you never play. That's not limited. This question is limited to nothing. It is everything. It is all. Like board games you

never get to play right anything that has a winner or a loser no yeah no no board games no family games no lottery no fantasy football no lottery oh no i'm just telling me i'm always gonna lose the lottery nobody wins the lottery anyways. Spoiler alert. But you don't get to play anything. You don't get to play a video game. You don't get to play. You have no play.

You are deleting playing from your life. And I have had fun in close competitions where I come up, and this has happened probably once, where I come up the loser in a game. You've only lost once. I mean, I can't count. You're a winner? Yeah. Okay. I got you.

You play to win the game. Yeah. But the truth is there are certain things I'm bad at. And I'm not going to talk about a lot of those because that would be impossible. Small list. But, like, I don't play the things. Golf. I am a terrible golfer.

I hate. I tried to get better. I couldn't. And I quit. So I guess I did choose to never play. Like, I'm like, if I can't win if i can't compete man for me i when i when i know that i'm bad at something i actually don't mind losing the problem with losing becomes when i now believe i am good at that so i guess i could hop around from sport to sport like golf just lose

everywhere i mean i'm terrible at golf, but I really like playing. It's very enjoyable for me, even though I know I'm going to suck. But as soon as I feel like I'm a good player, then maybe I move on to a different sport. The problem with losing, though, is it affects me. We have some games here in our office. And if I lose. Shuffleboard? Like shuffleboard. Gooseball? We have some games here in our office. Shuffleboard.

Like shuffleboard. Gooseball. If I lose three games in a row, I start to doubt myself, my worth. My worth as a human being, as a man. So you would be disintegrated by this. Very, very possible. You would basically be a person that always loses and never plays. Because you would give up on it. Right. always loses and never plays because you would get you would give up on it right you'd say yeah you'd choose the always lose side and then eventually quit at life much more importantly

this would you rather question came in and it said would you rather be the best in the world at climbing trees or the best in the world at jumping rope so two very important the jumping used skills the jumping rope is a little it's more widely available certainly because you could be somewhere you could like be in the great plains there's no trees for you to climb you can't show off your abilities but you can jump rope almost anywhere now what does it mean to be the best jump roper like does that mean you're fast or you're the king of double dutch can you do you can do like different steps and stuff all the of course all the tricks all the rocky stuff where you like flip your hands over the inside out i can't figure out how to do any of that so no andy you want to testify to that i will testify so andy and i

have uh we we go to a personal trainer three times a week, and recently he has introduced the jump rope to our warm-up. This is just warm-up. That's what he calls it. So I remember years ago being where you're at, Andy, but if you, you know you watch an athlete jump rope, and it's just, they barely come off the ground, and the jump rope's just they barely come off the ground, and the jump rope is just whipping on the ground, and it's just going really quick. And then you've got the ones where it's like you're pulling your knees.

Your feet are touching your butt. You've got to jump and swing and jump and swing, and that's what Andy has to do. The double jump, right? Yeah, I have to double jump. It's not efficient. Jason finishes in twice the time. I jump twice as much, so I'm in twice the pain. Yeah, when I have to do 200 jump ropes, Andy is doing 400.

Now, do you guys do maneuvers like the wounded duck? What? Are you reading names off? The wounded duck? What about the kick swing or the cabooseoose or the Peekaboo? I'm always doing the Caboose. But once you master the Peekaboo, then you've got to get to the Double Peekaboo. Well, if I was the best jump roper in the world...

You'd be double peekabooing all over the land. I'd be double peekabooing the Caboose left, right, and center. They would call you Double Peekaboo Street. Now, if I'm the best in the world at climbing trees, the best the world never falls i can go up as high as i want of course i can look out over any valley andy's andy's looking at me like that didn't make sense and after i agreed with you without really thinking about it you are wrong the best fall the best they do fall down the best climbers in the world a lot of them are dead. Well, they're not really the best anymore, then, are they?

Well, the best, one of the squirrel suitors. Yeah, a lot of them are dead. A lot of them are dead. So you're telling me jump rope is safer. Some of the best snowboarders, dead. A lot of the best in something are all dead. I'm headed to the Redwoods. Yeah. Oh, the Redwoods.

You're going super high up those trees. Yeah. You've got to take the jump rope. If you're the best climber, how could you resist the Redwoods? No. Not only are you not resisting, you're moving. You're moving to the Redwoods? No, not only you're not resisting, you're moving. You're moving to the Redwoods. You're making a tent.

Wait, what does a tent have to do with this? That's where you live now. Oh, I live at the top of the Redwoods? No, at the bottom. Why would I not live at the top? I'm the best. You're best at climbing, not at just staying up there. Climbing up and climbing down.

I guess there are two directions. Usually when you – This is the dumbest question we've ever asked. We've asked some dumb questions. We're moving on. You pick one right now. I want to be the best at climbing trees. Jumping rope is for losers.

Climbing trees. Oh, you guys are idiots. Do you know how in shape I'm going to be? You cannot be the best jump roper in the world and not have great endurance, athleticism. I'm the jump roper. Tell you what, Jason. I'm climbing trees. You think my physique will be bad?

You drop me on a deserted island. There's only one of those two skills that's going to help me. Yeah. Jump and rope. I agree. If you could, here we go. Would you rather have one wish granted today or three wishes granted in 10 years? Wow.

10 years is a long time. Look, you could be the best at climbing a tree, but you could be dead in 10 years. You know? We've established that. So these wishes might never come. You know the marshmallow test? Oh, yeah. I do know that yeah

so that's where they take children and they give them 10 minutes with a marshmallow and they say you can eat it or if you wait 10 minutes with it right in front of your face i'm gonna come back in here and give you two marshmallows now they do this test to kind of display impatience and things like that they've tracked this over 40, 50, 60 years in people. Why are they doing this? And they've tracked that. Because the result is very interesting. They've tracked the fact that the kids that wait

are more successful in life through and through. Really? It makes sense because, look. Because you're able to see what's coming. I guarantee you that all three of the more children are eating that marshmallow immediately. So are mine. I mean, there's no chance any of my children are successful. Maybe one of mine would wait.

I mean, according to the marshmallow test, I already know they're going to fail at life. Well, that's the message I want to send. Can't overcome the marshmallow test, I already know they're going to fail at life. Well, that's the message I want to send. So I can't overcome the marshmallow test. Well, in that case, I'm going to take my wish right now. Because this is not 10 minutes. What are the odds that you make that one wish a marshmallow? I'm wishing for 20 infinite marshmallows. This is the ultimate marshmallow test.

You can wish for anything you want or a marshmallow right now. No. Look, here's the thing. Let's's give this hypothetical i get my wish i wish for a trillion dollars okay i'm just money is infinite that's more than the hundred grand you wish for in the early episode well i had three wishes then okay i only have one wish now so So let's say I wish for a trillion dollars. I now get the next 10 years with that wish in tow. Whatever the wish is, whatever you want, there's something to be said about being able to live those 10 years.

Bird in hand. Not just the bird in hand, but like the- Wish in hand. Thank you. So what if you could have- It's better than a bird. What if you could have one wish granted today or one wish granted in 10 years and you cure cancer?

Oh, you put me on blast. Oh, goodness. I'm illustrating the fact that you could use those other two wishes in 10 years for some good purposes. Oh, that's a really good point. That's such a because immediately my answer is, of course, I would wait 10 years for some good purposes oh that's a really good point that's such a because immediately my answer is of course i would wait 10 years i would cure cancer and i would have that other wish so now you've told me oh that was so good andy i hate you here's the thing if you let's say you do this and it's very publicized and it's in the news

man chooses to wait 10 years for three wishes. Everybody's fine. It's Truman Show-esque. The cameras are on you. Your date is coming up. Social media is going crazy. Jason's sitting there at the press conference. I'm using my first wish.

You're going to have a lot of friends. You're going to have a lot of enemies too because whatever you choose, there'll be somebody else that thinks you chose the wrong thing. Well, that's after. But for the 10 years, if I publicize it, I'm going to have a lot of friends because everyone wants. Yeah, they want to get in on those wishes. Yeah.

I use quotes over friends. Jason, please wish to remove all the plastic from the oceans. Oh, Jason, please wish to have space travel. Man, now that you illustrate that, I think I've got to go back to my immediate wish. Yeah, I'm taking the wish. Less risk, less embarrassment? Yeah, sorry

everyone out there, the poor and the hungry. Man wishes for a bag of marshmallows. Man gets wish. What are you guys taking? I'm taking the wish immediately. 10 years is way too long. If the question was one wish granted today or three wishes in three years, that's a lot harder. So you're not confident.

How old are you, Mike? Yeah, you're going to miss your 30s. 35? So you're not confident 45 is coming? No, I'm confident it's coming. You're more confident 38 is coming? Yes. I'm confident it's coming. You're more confident 38's coming? Yes. All right.

I would take the wish right now. Yeah. All right. The Spitballers Draft. I'll be honest. The answer to that question for me is it's got a lot to do with this pneumonia thing I got going on right now. Yeah. I don't know if got going on right now. Yeah. I don't know if I got tomorrow, guys.

Yeah, you're dealing with some... I'm literally spitballing over here. Bronchitis or something. You can barely breathe. Yeah, but I'm doing the show. You're just... You're a man among boys, Andy. Thank you.

I need your wish. Yeah. All right, we're doing a mock draft. I'll bet you wish that you had the first pick in the mock draft. What are we doing today? I've your wish. Yeah. All right. We're doing a mock draft. I'll bet you wish that you had the first pick in the mock draft. What are we doing today? I've got it. And it's a great one to have the one-on-one because there's a clear cut one-on-one. We are doing pizza toppings.

The all-important, what do you choose to put on your pizza? So Mike says he knows what the one-on-one is. He's like, well, clearly there is a clear one, but I'm going to write it down because he thinks... I feel like there are some problems here. He thinks that I'm not going to have it. Like, of course there's a clue. A topping is what goes on... What's the base?

A topping is what goes on top of the cheese on a pizza. Okay. So I know there's all this trickery in your guys' dirty minds. If there was trickery, I wouldn't have asked the question. Right. I would have just brought up a different answer. I get cheese. That's what I would have gone with.

Yeah, and you would have won. Don't allow it. Now, you know, there's ways you can get creative with that. That's what I'm going to ask. All right. I'm going to kick this off. Everyone knows what I'm taking. Because it's the clear.

Look, I got two on my body. I'm taking the pepperonis. You got two on your body. Are you talking about your nipples? Well, yeah. Not. Those aren't the ones that I want on the pizza. But look, nobody wants your nips on their pizza.

It's not the most appetizing way to take my one-on-one pick. But listen, if you are not a vegetarian or vegan, there's no one else in the world that does not like pepperoni on your pizza. Right. Pepperoni is universal. It's beloved. It's great with other toppings. it's the go-to like you walk into little caesars and they got their hot and ready-made pizzas there's a reason why they got

the cheese and they got the pepperoni sure so that's his first pick and he apparently this is not what you wrote down because i i said i i really don't think you're gonna go here yeah you're not up yet i'm not saying anything okay can i go extra cheese absolutely that is a legitimate oh and that's what that's what i wrote down wrote because extra cheese is 100 the answer yes and i'm taking yes no yes because your question you're like you had to give all of these warnings of, well, if you are a vegetarian, you're not going to like this. If you like pizza, you know what you like? Cheese.

Or cheese. All right. I've got to interject for one second. Andy. Yes. Have you ever been in a situation where you have ordered extra cheese on a pizza? Let's just say you ordered extra cheese on a pizza let's just say you ordered triple cheese sure on a pizza and it came back too much and was disgusting yes that has happened before yes i know

that it has happened i have been there it was horrific it was a soup it was a soup but yes i don't you ever had too many pepperonis on a pizza yes oh you have it you liar i have i hope the bronchitis takes you down for this lie okay so jason pepperoni i'm going extra cheese mike unfortunately you have the third pick and a lot of decisions to make here yeah and this is about pizza assembly i mean you got to figure out what you want to offer the now listeners i think the first two picks were were definitely easy and uh when you're doing a draft if you play any type of fantasy sports you know that it's best to when a run is happening on one particular position it's usually best to just shy away from that and trying to get the best of something else but in this particular fashion i cannot so. So I got to go with sausage.

I got to keep it in the meat family. Pepperoni, I admit, Jason, your pepperoni is a little bit stronger than my sausage, but I think it's a pretty close second. When you're talking about – How deep are we going, by the way? Three or four picks? We'll see. Yeah, we'll see at the end of three.

We'll see at the end of three if I've won or not. If I have, we stop there. If you guys need an extra round, I'll grant you. All right. I completely agree with your assessment on the runs, but the thing is when there is one category that is so much more important. Look, I like a veggie pizza, but get out of here. If you got me a meat lovers or a veggie, I'm taking the meat lovers.

Okay. And so I'm taking the meat lovers. Okay. And so I'm sticking right in that meat. Don't do it. There's two that I got here. Oh, man. I'm taking what I love on a pizza, which is bacon. Oh! Yeah, baby.

Pepperoni and bacon. My pizza's legit. It just completely changes everything about my draft. I counted on bacon. My pizza is legit. It just completely changes everything about my draft. I counted on bacon. If you guys had told me I couldn't draft cheese, bacon would have been my first round pick. Probably shouldn't admit that. Well, I'm going to

lock this thing down. I want 100 to nothing on the bowl. You're doing pretty well right now. Wow. Condiments and pizza toppings. This is where I live. This is trouble. Yeah. Condiments and pizza toppings. This is where I live. This is trouble. Yeah. Now you're on tilt.

Look, it's not bacon, but I'm going to take some ham. Yeah, that was... I'm going with ham. If that could have gotten back to me. I wrote it down. Look, I've got it right here. Ham. I wrote it small so you guys couldn't see.

If I could have stacked pepperoni, bacon, and ham, I've already got a meat lovers. Yeah, you definitely do. Man, none of us have been willing to dip into veggie land. I know. Because I don't like the veggie pizza very much. I love veggie pizza. I'm in a precarious situation. Not enough, Jay.

I love veggie pizza, says Meat Man. Meat hoarder. You don't understand how much I just love food. So, like, my love extends very deep down the list. And nipples, apparently. My pepperoni is. Nips. Mike, you got a tough call here.

I got to keep the run going. I'm putting meatballs on my pizza. Wow. I love meatballs. Okay. Does that count for ground beef? Is ground beef separate? I think so.

I feel like it's separate. No. This is a lot like a pizza meat draft right now. So far. So far. Man, so we need a ruling because my next pick is beef. I think that. That's included in the meatballs?

Yeah. All right. I do. I think so. Traditionally, yeah. Traditionally, I feel like they either have one or the other. You either have... Meatballs is not...

You don't normally have a meatball sitting on top of a pizza. Well, you have a half. It is a ground up meatball or sliced meatball. Right. Therefore, it is close to ground beef. Therefore, we're going to omit beef from the remainder. If that's the opinion. Yeah, that's fine.

All right. So, Andy, you have extra cheese and ham. Yeah. I've got pepperoni and bacon. Mike, you've got meatball and what? And sausage. Sausage. Sausage and meatball.

That's pretty good. This is where it gets tough because I think we're out of the meat. We've got to go to four. Yeah, we do. You've got to give us a chance. There's just so many meats. But let's make's make these picks all right i'm going veggie i'm going away from the meat not killing any more animals here but this is a tough call there's stuff i like that i don't think other people do but at this point you got to go with your heart yeah and when

i order a let me tell you the best pizza out there. I don't think you're going to worry about this one, Mike. I'm not, but I'm writing down what I think your choice is going to be. When I order a pizza, I like the thin crust, pepperoni, and onion. Oh, am I hiding my guess? That is not what you guessed? No, it is not. All right.

So I'm taking... Pepper and onions. I love onions on a pizza. It gives crunch when it's cooked. It's not spicy. It's sweet. I don't mind the pick. Onions on a pizza are great, but I know a lot of people hate onions, so they might not

even be able to vote for me. Well, this is part of the problem. That's like if you went pineapple, right? You're going to segment our audience. I don't mind it. I wouldn't choose it. You know what I'm choosing? My third pick, barbecue chicken.

Okay. Very popular trending pizza pick. Yeah, if you go to California Pizza Kitchen. There are a lot of places you can get barbecue chicken pizza these days. I'm going BBQ chicken. Okay. So now you specified the type of chicken. specified the time i could have just said chicken but i mean my pick was going to be chicken but i feel like i can't make it now with the barbecue

chicken so no you can't you can't look i could have gone chicken okay and then i said but what i mean is barbecue all right mike make your pick and then i'll debate uh i'm gonna go i'm gonna i'm gonna go with spinach i'm gonna put some spinach on there i feel like that's it's one of the acceptable vegetables that i will put onto my pizza there are certain type of like fancier pizzas that have that have spinach on it that are also disgusting um but i but i know the sure thing onionions are great. They add texture to a pizza. And armpit. A little bit of armpit right onto my pizza. I'll be honest.

Onions are... They are a vegetable, right? They're my favorite vegetable. I love onions so much. Pearl onion. Yeah, we smell it. Mm-hmm. Frequently.

Final pick? So you're telling me, and I just want clarity, because this would absolutely be my pick. Chicken is... You can change mine to chicken, then, if you don't want me to specify barbecue chicken. I was just going to say I would choose buffalo chicken. No, that's a total. Fine, then my ham, you know, you can choose honey cured ham instead of ham. Come on.

Yeah, you can't. No, it's chicken. It's chicken. Well, I'll give you barbecue chicken and we'll just say I can't. All right. Just give me chicken. All right, you got chicken. We're drilling down a little bit.

Now I've improved your chicken because people know that you get buffalo chicken. And you know what? Mike gets meatball slash beef. All right. Yeah, we did it. Here's the long call. You guys need it because I got the 101. Mike, you can also have spinach slash wilty sack.

I got the 101. All right. So here's the wheels are falling off. Oh, congratulations, Mike. Congratulations, Mike. You got my parents are so proud right now. And the wilted sack, which I understand what he's saying. I'm sure the spit wads do too.

Spinach is a very wilty sack. Moving on. All right. Look, I'm taking this pick, and I wouldn't normally. I would not take this pick. This better not be my last pick. No, it won't be. You would never.

I'm taking this pick because I have pepperoni. I believe I can still win in the polls, even though half the people out there are now saying I will not vote for Jason. Because I actually, look, I don't order it, but I absolutely eat. Oh, no. Wait a minute. I'm changing my pick. I was going to go pineapple. I was going to go pineapple,

but I just thought of something even better that I also love, that people enjoy. I'm going jalapeno. Oh, jalapeno business. Jalapeno business indeed. All right. Hey, Wilt,

did you recover over there? Not really. I'm going with garlic. Roasted garlic. That's a good pick. All right. Hey, Wilt, did you recover over there? Not really. I'm going with garlic. Roasted garlic. That's a good pick. All right. You've got delicious sounding pizzas there. That's a good pick.

You're darn right. Garlic is delicious, nutritious. I'm about to take my pizza possibilities to the next level, to the absolute next level, because now you can eat my pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, and the pizza at supper time. Because I'm putting egg. Oh, my goodness. Egg on my pizza.

Guess how many times I've had egg on my pizza. Zero? Zero. Wait. You've never had a breakfast pizza? How about you, Jason? Have you ever had egg on your pizza? No, I can count the amount of times.

Zero. Well, you haven't lived. You should have gone with cinnamon, which was also in my consideration. Dessert pizza is legit. What? Dessert pizza is legit. But not on top of the cheese, which was the specification you gave. Oh, that would have been disgusting.

Mike's pizza is not a breakfast pizza. It's a pizza with egg on it. And that's fine because we have a pizzeria by us where they had a pizza called the Morning Glory. And they made it with olive oil instead of marinara. And it was sausage, egg, ham. And it was the best pizza I have ever had. Oh, man. It's freaking incredible.

And look, I know this is tanking the votes, but... I should have gone... I should have... I thought you were going to go... Nobody went peppers. Nobody went olives. Black olives. I love green peppers.

I love black olives. I thought you were going to go hot sauce. Nobody went tomatoes. Interesting. Because you were talking about your pepperonis. I know that people like to... If I could have gone hot sauce, then I would have gone ranch. What did you guys learn today oh should have gone ranch yeah ranch is

an ultimate pizza i learned that all jason's children are going to be unsuccessful in life what did you guys learn today uh honestly that was one of the things that i learned today sorry you didn't realize that i thought they were going to grow up and be great, but I know they would eat and not wait for more later. I learned that spinach becomes a shriveled carrying case. Thank you. I learned that you can be the best. That's exactly right. I learned that you can be the best in the world at your craft and die doing it.

Yes, which is probably what's going to happen in this show. I think we're the best in the world at doing what we're doing. Every man dies. We're the best at the Spitballers. Yeah. Hey, thank you for joining in. We'll see you next Monday. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.