Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 130: Spitballers Classics: Changing Clothes in Public and the Best Christmas Movies Ever!

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

We will be back in two weeks with fresh new content! Until then, enjoy one of our favorite episodes from the Spitballers archives…A season-ending extravaganza episode! Everyone's favorite "Would you rather" questions are back today. Fear not, we're still here to give the most important life advice ever heard anywhere before including how it can be okay to try on clothes without using the dressing room. Big stuff. Of course, we had to mock draft the best Christmas movies of all time to finish the year out and laughs were had throughout. Also, watch out for pie thieves.  Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads. Today's episode is going to be a classic episode from the archives as we are celebrating these holidays with our families. And I hope that you are doing the very same and having a most wonderful time while you do so. So enjoy these classic episodes this week and next. Away we go. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I love I feel like Mike went from just massive opposition to what was happening to like, I gotta get in.

And he saved us because ours were terrible. And was happening to like, I got to get in. I got to get in. And he saved us because ours were terrible. And then he's like, all right, let the music man in here. Bang, clean up. Clean up. Clean up. They call the heavy hitters for the riff. What's funny is I was in my head.

I was doing that. And then when you. I've been doing that for weeks, man. When you verbalized it. Oh, I just let the cat out the bag. It's a hot tune. It is. Mike laid down the track and we...

We... We ruined it. No, man, I missed out not having you guys in on the studio there. That's right, that's right. Welcome to the Spitballers Podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back again. Would you rather on the show today some life advice? Whoa.

Dulcet tones of expertise. I mean, real expertise. Mock draft on the show. I don't know what it is. I don't know what any of the questions are. I have no knowledge of this episode at all, except that we're on Twitter at spitballers pod and you can send in your questions for the show each and every week. We appreciate all your reviews over there on Apple Podcasts, the subscriptions. Oh, my gosh. How does that feel, by the way? I imagine when you click subscribe on Spitballers, that's got to feel good.

I think it feels pretty good. But I'll be honest. From what I've heard, it feels better telling your friends about it. Yeah. Either that or leaving a fine review. Christmas is a time for giving. Yep. And nothing would make you feel better

than giving the gift of laughter. Wow. He said in such a sad, mean, kind of funeral-esque way. Give the gift of laughter this holiday season. Do you ever see the gif of that boy who won the spelling bee and all the confetti is falling down on their head? And he has no noticeable smile or expression. He laughed at this show.

That's what happened. Let's get into the reviews. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Patient Zero. Oh, goodness. It's a long review. It's a this one comes in from patient zero uh oh goodness it's a long there's a long one all right it says andy is like captain kirk and leonardo da vinci combined i don't know about that he's got the cool and calm demeanor says bigger and more intelligent words than the other two guys no and lets you know that we're gonna get through this thing because he's sitting in that plump imperialist captain's chair and he has the show

under control darn tootin jason is what you get if bigfoot and santa had a baby he's loud good opinionated but warm and cuddly on the inside. Because I do not have the emotional stability to form my own opinions, I'm very thankful that I have Jason's noisy wisdom to lead me and keep my life on track. I like that you're a hairier Santa. I like that they know how warm my insides are. Well, you're like, if I was stranded on Hoth, you'd be my tauntaun. Well, here, look, they didn't leave you out.

Mike was not born. He was created. Somebody poured 70s laugh tracks and bad opinions into a blender and out plopped Mike. What? Mike has some of the most distinguishing, outlandish, and nonsensical opinions. No, that says disgusting. Yeah. Who wrote this? No, that says disgusting. Yeah. Who wrote this?

Oh, that's even better. Wait, who wrote this fluff piece just propping you two up and then saying that Mike is bad takes? Keep going. Well, yeah, I got to keep going because it says it is sadly impressive how many Twitter surfaces he has lost. However, Mike has the laughter of a baby angel. Oh, but that's not true. Mike has the laughter of a baby angel.

Oh, but that's not true. His laughter is beautiful, contagious, and fills my appendix with joy. I have cut and compiled all of Mike's laughter into a continuous Mike laugh track that helps me fall asleep at night. The single longest review ever read on this show. Thank you for that review. review ever read on this show. Thank you for that review. I want to know so if Jason's a baby made by Bigfoot

and Santa, I want to know which one of those guys Bigfoot or Santa is loud and opinionated. Oh, that's Santa. Santa's real. He's loud? Well, I mean, think of Alright, I walked into that. Let's get into Would You Rather.

Would you rather. Would you rather only be able to eat hot food or cold food for the rest of your natural life? Hot or cold food? Gentlemen, debate the merits. You can't take away half of my food from me. This is the debate? If you can only have one or of my food from me this is the debate if you can only have one or the other

I feel like this is taking a yes Mike would you rather is a debate of which one you could have welcome to the show

I understand what we're doing but I'm saying you're saying it's easy it's hot food it's not even close really not even a consideration

no cereal no ice cream yeah I'm good I'm good man no fresh glass of whatever? Well, that's drink, right? I mean, you don't have to drink warm milk here, do you?

Well, I assume you... Enjoy your cold cereal. Cold food? Hot food? What is it? You don't have to drink. I'm just saying you don't get a cold beverage. If you're only eating hot... So it's like room temperature. If you're only eating hot food for the rest of your life. No, it's a hot beverage. Okay, so you get teas and coffees.

Okay. Hot versus cold. Yeah. Okay. So we're including drinking. That makes it a little bit more. Anything that's cold is in the cold category. Anything hot in the hot category.

I think the problem is that you're putting beverages into food. It's not a problem, Mike. It is a problem because someone says, hey, would you like some food and beverage? They definitely separate them. I think for the purpose of a compelling question, it should be food and beverage. That makes it more difficult. Yeah. I appreciate you.

The reviewer said baby angel. I say baby devil. Mike. It's all the same. I've heard myself laugh. It's not good. I like your laugh. Thank you.

I feel like. It's not good. I like your laugh. Thank you. I feel like it's still hot. So the benefits, let's talk about peak times when you would need a cold food or a hot food. I feel like the joy of a hot food when you need a hot food is greater than the joy of a cold food

when you need a cold food. Now sometimes hot food is better cold. I like cold pizza. I like cold chicken wings the next day. So you're okay with the transition from hot to cold on certain items? Yes, but I'm not eating a cold steak. But if you are in the middle of a, let's say you just walk through a desert, okay, for three days, and you come out on the other end,

having a cold bowl of ice cream is really not the same thing as like, I just trekked through the snowy woods and have a hot bowl of soup that hot bowl soup better than that cold bowl of ice cream therefore i vote hot food it's not like what cold food i guess if you're just living off of your leftovers there jay but what what is a great cold food? Well, we named cereal and ice cream, and I would say those are two of the top five foods in the food groups. Then cold food has nothing to offer me. If that's in the top. Yeah, that's in the top.

And that's why I brought up the beverages, because I felt like a cool glass of something, you know, a cool glass of milk. Yeah, if I have to have a glass of hot tea with every meal, that's unfortunate. Enjoy your bubbling, boiling orange juice. This is disgusting. I've never had hot orange juice. Because no one does. I mean, I've had lukewarm orange juice, but never hot.

It has to be hot. This is hot. I'm not leaving my steaks behind. No steak behind. No snakes left behind either. Snake steaks? Would you rather be on the run from King Kong or a Tyrannosaurus Rex? Ooh.

Ooh. Well, this is really a question that breaks down less to what would I like to be killed by least and more about ingenuity and hiding. Like, which animal am I most likely to escape from, hide from? Are we playing with Jurassic Park rules? Jurassic Park rules freeze, and the T-Rex can't see you. Because then I don't move. I don't actually have to run.

They froze, and it didn't end well for them. No, no, it was great. For a minute. Until they flipped the light on. Until the lawyer ran into the bathroom. I feel like King Kong is, I mean, this is not a good situation. King Kong is smart. The T-Rex is dumb.

Look. So I've been told by Jurassic Park. I've heard that T-Rexes might have just eaten vegetables. Yeah, look at those teeth. I've heard that too. No way. There's also the thought process that the T-Rex is actually more of a scavenger. I mean, we've labeled him as the world's greatest predator of all time.

We're taking Jurassic Park T-Rex. That's the T-Rex we know and love. Okay. And I'll tell you this. I would rather... Ian Malcolm speaks differently about it. Yes. I would rather King Kong than T-rex for the exact opposite reason of what

andy said he i am more worried about how i'm gonna die because i already know i'm dead i'm not you think you're gonna die better at the hands of a giant ape than you will that ape is gonna sophisticated that ape's gonna ragdoll you around that dinosaur just bite my head off here's the thing i would rather i would look this is not a good like i want one of these two but i would rather be hit by a train than chewed up by a shark and that's the way i see this i feel like i feel like king kong's just gonna give me one big whap with his big old fist into a building i'm done but no he's gonna grab you and he's gonna carry you atop the Empire State Building

where he holds you hostage. Yeah, that's true. There's a lot of terror there. I mean, you do have to go based on the history of what we know of actual King Kong. But you want to know what he's not going to do? He's not going to shred me in half with his teeth. That's really what's the biggest problem. You ever seen him shred someone

in half with your teeth? I'm trying to remember. Who would you rather die with? Jeff Goldblum or jack black oh jack black whoa man because jack black's in the king kong's that's tough and and i mean i would rather have jeff goldblum that's the king kong we're going with yeah yeah that one's bad that is really really bad king kong in fairness though the new one, also very bad. It's better, though. I thought it was better. Have we run out of ideas?

Is that the thing? We can't make up a new monster that's compelling enough? We want to bring the nostalgia of King Kong? No, I think it's just that giant monsters are always awesome. But he's saying, like, why can't we come up with them? Yeah, why wasn't it an oversized, you know, other creature than a monkey? Brand recognition. King Kong's got a great brand.

And now we're back to my point. Yes. All right, so I'm taking King Kong. I would rather... I'm going T-Rex. Those jaws are big enough. Yeah, I'm T-Rex. I'm getting it over with.

One bite. No, see, I'm getting it over with. You're not. You're the Band-Aid that you slowly pick at. T-Rex is right off. Enjoy watching the bottom half of your body be removed. The band-aid is removing each and every hair follicle from your body.

Yeah, that monkey's having fun with you. We're going to have to test this. Would you rather reverse one mistake you make every day or be able to freeze time for one minute every day? Oh, so you do something. You make some mistake today. You always get a mulligan. You get one mulligan a day. That would be a very

fun sitcom or television show because do you blow it? Do you blow the mulligan? You took a spill. You fell over. We got a guy here in the studio who went out to throw the football the other day. We're all in our 30s, so we're super

athletic. And we went out there and two seconds in he took a tumble throw me a pass and as soon as he started jogging he was on the pavement and now he had an impressive fall but you make a mistake in the morning maybe you spill a glass of milk and it's the glasses everywhere in the milks everyone you're like man do i use my mulligan right here? Or do I need to save it? Oh, it's the beginning of the day. Because what if something major happens? Yeah, and then at the end of three days in a row, you're like, man,

I didn't even use it today. Yeah. I didn't even use my mulligan. I got to start using this whenever I can. And then what's going to happen is you undo the – Oh, man, you went straight to car accident. I did. You took it up a notch.

Oh, I'm sorry. I used my mulligan on spilled milk i can't bring you back to life sir stub my toe i dropped the milk car accident your dad no more goodness or be able to freeze time for one minute every day see that would be a cool party trick but like yeah i'm trying to think of the actual practicality and a magic show i'm over here but boom i'm over behind you the only thing that's popping into my head is you guys i don't know if you saw it but it was i mean smash hit at the box office click with adam sandler i saw it on video did he could pause time he yeah he had a remote I mean he had

far more control than what we're talking about but he did freeze time and then he did cut just a real hot fart in this dude's face and it was very very funny so this is how he paused it and then farted yeah and it's like look my small feeble mind this is all I can come up with like okay I got 60 seconds this is what I'm gonna do man so You're like, okay, I got 60 seconds. This is what I'm going to do. Man, so you can... What else are you doing in 60 seconds with time frozen? Oh, I can open a lot of cash registers in that time. 60, I guess 60 seconds.

60 seconds is more time than you think. To be fair, if I've learned anything from the movies, it's that Nick Cage can steal a car in 60 seconds he's gone that's right it's fact that is a great documentary um well i see i come back to now would it work on just like we're big sports fans we've got you know our our fantasy footballers podcast and it's like you know we make a big adjustment on a guy we make someone a start of the week or and then this goes it was sports betting i mean if i can undo a mulligan everything on this show always turns into how good i'm gonna do this for sports betting yeah but you're right but i mean clearly a mistake was made i bet my house and it was the wrong call look if we've

established anything it's that the range of these two options are fart in someone's face or avoid death in a car accident. Here's one in 77 people die in a car accident. I just wanted to throw a quick rule for the mistake. You make the mistake like it's sports betting, but you still don't actually know what the outcome will be. Right. You just know you got it wrong the first time.

Right. And you don't remember what you did wrong. So I undo it and I know not to bet that day. For the mulligan. Right. You just know you got it wrong the first time. Right. And you don't remember what you did wrong. So I undo it and I know not to bet that day. For the mulligan. Sure. So you basically win 100% of your bets as long as you bet once a day. Right. I just don't win every time. Yeah, you just don't win. You gotta go on to the next day. You just place the biggest bet you can each day. I guess that was

not as hard as I wanted it. Why is this? We're just using... Which would you rather have for sports betting? I know. Alright, let's give some life advice. Spitballers to the rescue. Ellie from Twitter writes into the show. She says, recently found out my husband thinks it's okay to go to a department store and try on clothes. Buy the clothing racks rather than going into the fitting rooms.

Is this acceptable? Help. I need more information. What piece of clothing are we talking about? rather than going into the fitting rooms, is this acceptable help? I need more information. What piece of clothing are we talking about? This is a clear close-off or close-on situation. Because if you're putting a shirt over a shirt, right? I've done it. This shirt fits.

I've done it. I'm proud to say I've done that. Proud. I have done the shirt-off shirt-on. Oh, really? Out of a dressing room. Yes. With other people around, or were you kind of tucked away? I did a little peek around. that i have i have done the shirt off shirt on oh really out of a dressing room yes with other people around or were you like kind of i did a little peek around so you did it in solitude on

purpose yes it wasn't like a willy-nilly i'm unaware of my surroundings it wasn't black friday and i'm like oh i'm gonna try on this sweater check out this now did you take the shirt you tried on and put it back on the rack? Yes. Because you didn't buy it. Well, I've done this a multitude of times, so I'm sure I've bought some and put some back. I fully recognize that when you go to the fitting room, try something on, and then you walk out with the stuff. And it's not laundered afterwards. That you don't want, and you give it to the man or woman that's sitting there. I realize they just put it on the rack, but somehow that gives me approval that it's been cleaned or it is clean.

No, but it hasn't. So you're telling me when I go try clothes on, there's a chance I'm trying on clothes that someone else just tried on. Pit on pit action. Dirty butt. Wait. Wait. Well, if you do pants.

You try on underwear, Mike? No. You take your undies off? No. Not a dirty butt. I know the people out there, and there's dirty butts. And these people, even if you're not talking about underpants, just talking about pants.

I got dirty underpants. I'm okay with that because I got underpants protecting me. No, not from this dirty butt. What kind of dirty butts? All right, moving on from dirty butts, do you guys find it awkward to go to the fitting room or have the people sitting there or other people in the fitting room? I find it so much more awkward to go into the fitting area. I feel like the fitting area is for women.

I feel like that not because of a chauvinist thing, but I feel like I'm not allowed. Yeah, I feel like... You've got to break that mold, Jake. I do, but I go back there, and whenever there's the unisex ones, they don't separate them. There's just, here's the area. That's a real thing? Oh, yeah. They normally have a male and female, don't they?

Like Old Navy. The Old Navy by us. Some places do, some places don't. Unisex is if you're all by yourself in a single stall. But like in a group of stalls, they don't put men and women together. Yeah. No, like at the Old Navy here, there's a central area where it doesn't matter if you're men, women, with children. There's a bunch of different rooms in the same area and you go in and you try clothes on and it's

totally fine. But I feel like I'm the only guy there ever. And so it feels like I'm walking into the women's dining area. Gotta be proud. Would you be proud going into the women's restroom? Are you walking in there going, I'm proud to be here.

I'm so proud. It's clearly marked. I know, but my point is. The dressing rooms are not marked. You're good, man. I feel like they might be going. What's he doing here? Exactly. He's a man.

What if they put a little sign up above that's like someone's here or no one's here? Because then you know. Well, you usually have the lock that just like the whole area. I want the whole area. It needs to be. Anyone's in there. I'm just not interested in like the whole area. I want the whole area. Oh, it needs to be. Anyone's in there. I'm just not interested in trying to close it. I got you.

What if we solve this for all retail department stores? And we have you guys. You guys have gone to sporting events. You've seen the halftime show of the quick change. Yeah. Yeah. And they always have the hoop. Oh, they lift the hoop up.

There's a curtain there. Right. Right. That be. And they just need hoop up, there's a curtain there. Right? Right, that'd be... And they just need to give these hoops out all over. And so wherever you are in the store, you lift the hoop up. You can't hold your own hoop up, bro. It's got to have a little click. Oh, I know.

How about we take that hoop, make it a little bit bigger, put a door on it, and then call it a dressing room. That's a great idea. That's a good one, too. And you put them all in one area, so everyone knows exactly where to go. But from what I understand about these hoops. We call it the square hoop area. From what I understand about these hoops, you get to change clothes exceptionally fast. As soon as you drop the hoop, you're changed.

Well, if you do the hoop thing and you don't, you know, it's a small hoop. You've got to give it a 10-second timer. That hoop's coming down no matter what you've got on or off at the end of that 10 seconds. I am okay with, for guys, top up, you can change in line. Not in line like checking out. Just want to wear this out. I'm going to buy it.

Jackets are an obvious one, but then the shirt off, shirt on thing, that's a little bit different. I go shirt over shirt. If I'm wearing a t-shirt, I can tell if it fits if I put it over my shirt. I need to feel it on my skin. So is this appropriate for Ellie? Does she need to tell her husband it's acceptable? It's fine by me.

I think other than the pants. Yeah, pants, you might want a room for that. What if you... If you've got shorts on and you want to try on a pair of pants, can you pull the pants over the shorts? Sure thing, but that's going to feel terrible. You are buying ill-fitting pants. Yes, that's true.

You don't buy the extra large cargoes? You're going to have to be rocking some hammer jeans. Mike. A person named Mike on the website. Which is your name, Mike? Sounds like a smart person. We had people over for a potluck. Some of our friends needed to head out early and asked if they could take some pie to go.

I said they could. But on the way out, I noticed they took an entire uneaten pie. Oh, no! And whipped cream. Well, you can't have pie without whipped cream. That part makes sense. We're not savages. Were they simply doing what I had already approved, or are they pie thieves?

Oh, they're pie thieves, my friend. Oh, but they're. Here's the thing. At a lot of events, look, it's hard to plan. The hardest thing to do in the world is apparently plan how much food to make for an event, right? You make too little, make too much. I've been to lots of events where they made too much, and they always encourage people to take stuff home. No one ever does.

Right. No, and then you're left with tons of extra food. You feel like you baked for no reason or cooked for no reason. This person is trying to take a real full pie approach to solving this problem by stealing i i can do with unlimited leftovers though like i'll finish them so but if you made a really nice pie you'd want some people to have tried your pie i would i would want me to have tried that pie more than this is a selfish pie man yeah i love pies but if you labor if you labored the whole day.

See, have you been at the parties where people bring stuff for the potluck, but then something's a real popular treat, and the other one's like nobody took a scoop of it, and you feel bad for that person? Oh, and then you do the pity scoop. The pity scoop. I see why nobody took a scoop of this. And you throw that.

The pity scoop always ends with 90% of that on the plate that got thrown away. Oh, you're darn right. And then sometimes on the way to the garbage, I take another scoop to save others. I just put it on the plate, throw it away, and then it looks like more people took it and less people had to deal with it. What if that was a job? Somebody gets hired to show up at potlucks and just take a scoop of everything so that everyone saves face. Oh. I think you need friends who can cook better.

I will say this. My eyes have been opened by this. By the debate? By this question. No, not necessarily the debate. The fact that I can bail out on a party. And take the food. But I can still get pie.

Wait, are you leaving early? Like, I gotta go. I am showing up in five minutes i am out of there because they haven't even eaten pie i don't want to be there i feel like i have an obligation to go but i know that if i go i'm gonna be able to get some pie they said you could take it but now i get to not really be there and also enjoy the pie. I'm having my pie and eating it too alone. So in other words, where I want to be. In other words,

Mike just wants to eat pie alone and now realize he doesn't have to wait through to dessert, which is by the way, that's the whole paradigm of the children's birthday party in a nutshell. You show up, you've got to go through everything else to get to the cake and ice cream so you can leave. But now Mike may cut himself a slice right when he arrives at the birthday party.

No cutting. Yeah, this question has opened the world. You're taking the birthday cake home? Oh, man, that's next level. Little Timmy. Take the whole uncut birthday cake. Can I have some cake before I leave since I'm leaving early? Yes.

Thank you. Scoop. Goodbye. All the kids crying as you walk over them. They're sitting playing duck, duck, goose. You don't even go around the circle. You're just over this line. I got to get out.

I got to get out of here. Hey, put yourself in this real person's shoes though. Your friend just wiped out with the whole pie. You're a pie thief. They're 100% a pie thief, but they're like the white collar pie thief. You have to just go, ah,

they won. They won this round. I'll get you next time, rabbit. I mean, that's just, that's awesome. They won this round. I'll get you next time, rabbit. I mean, that's just awesome. They are 100% pie thieves and 100% the winners of that conversation. There's nothing you can do. You can't make amends. They asked for some pie to go, but maybe they said a pie to go. I just need a pie to go.

That's on you, Mike. You got to make sure that conjunction is the right one. Rules are rules. My wife and I both really want a pet. Another life advice question. Problem is she wants a cat and I want a dog. Neither of us want to budge. How do we break the stalemate?

Divorce. I mean, I do. She wants a cat is one of the worst sentences that I've ever heard. Yeah. I think we can all three agree now that a lot of people like cats. They're all dumb, right? Right. I mean, nothing against.

I'm trying not to. Nothing against cats or people. But. Right. But people. If you are a cat or a person that likes cats, it's not. I just don't get it. I don't understand.

I don't get the cat. Well, the allergies are so fun on top of it all. I know that. That is the great tiebreaker. Look, if you want honest life advice, the wife wants a cat, you want a dog, it's simple. You just go, look, some people can't come over to our house ever again if we get a cat.

There are people with dog allergies, though. Not as severe as the, like, I can't come to your house. Like, I literally had a friend group in high school. Now, I'm deathly afraid. Afraid. I'm deathly allergic to cats. Also now afraid of them because of the allergy. Yep.

And then they got a cat, and then I wasn't their friend anymore. Because I couldn't go to the hangout. That sucks. It sucked big time and i resented that cat like nobody's doing this did you ever think about like zyrtec uh that hadn't been invented yet no joke okay but it does exist now right well that's i'm no longer you know how expensive zyrtec is that's true i do because it is. It's a dollar a day if you want the Claritin, the Zyrtec. It's ridiculous. I don't think it's that cheap.

Yeah, I feel like it's like... Claritin's a dollar a day. It's like $25 a dose. 30 tabs, 29 bucks, and it's the most painful thing to purchase in the world. Yeah, because I don't have allergies. Let my kid deal with it. I'm sorry. I love you, kids.

Yeah. So how do you solve that? How do you break the stalemate? No pets. That's also another solid solution. No, what you do. Pets are stupid. Oh, come on.

Nobody likes your opinions. You're not going to win this argument. By comparison to humans. I don't even know about that. There's a lot of humans I don't want to be around. Pets, I never hear. I'll be honest with you. Maybe it's just because all the pet intangibles are very minor things.

Like, oh, he cozied up on my leg tonight, and I like having a pet. The only stories I hear about pets, as a non-pet owner now, now we have a bunch of reptiles and birds and things, but as a non-dog cat owner, the only stories I ever hear about, my dog broke his leg. My dog pooped all over the floor. My cat hawked a loogie on my arm in bed. I woke up in the middle of the night, and the cat was clawing here,

or I slipped on the pee and fell over. But it's like a Yelp review, man. People aren't jumping on Yelp to be like, oh, it was so great. It's expensive. You're always covered in pee and poop. That's the two things, which is, I guess, like a baby. Andy, can I ask you a question? My youngest son I guess, like a baby. Andy, can I ask you a question? My youngest son, what is the most recent thing you know about him?

Your youngest son? Oh, he vomited everywhere. That's right. So you're saying I shouldn't have kids. Of course you talk about the hardships at home. We're complainers by nature. I mean, think about how much more complaining you get to do once you have a pet i guess you never come in and say well isaac you know he gave me a nice hug tonight it's mostly

he puked all over the place right so you share war stories yeah yeah so i look if if you and veterinarian bills if she wants a cat and you want a dog here's what i recommend you both say yes cross get a cat you get a dog you make sure the dog is aggressive oh no literally like my my thought was oh my god you end up with a dog you get both and then you let him fight whichever one survives we keep i would thought you were gonna to breed them. No weakness in this. Oh, I'd get cat dog? No, no, no.

We do not endorse animal fighting. It's a dat or a cog. No, it's cat. They made a cartoon about this. Cat dog. For real? Yeah. Sounds like a terrible.

Sounds like a half-bad cartoon. I didn't like that last question at all because all I do is feel like a bad person. First for alienating all the cat owners and then all pet owners and then all parents. Yeah, you're the worst. Let's do this instead. The Spitballers Draft. We don't even have a topic picked out. There are two options down there and I don't know which one we are doing. I think I do.

I think we're going with the first option. I think we're doing the second option because we need to tell people what's going on with the Spitballers podcast. Yes. Okay. Okay. Right. That's fair. We got a couple weeks off here with the Christmas holiday. Yes.

Apologize to bear the possibly devastating news for you. But the spitballers, we will be off for the next two weeks as we take time to celebrate our pets and our children and our children. And you sell Christmas is all about your pets. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever had a pet?

Oh, my gosh. Look, now we're taking some time off for the holidays. So does that mean we are doing? Yes. All right. So we're doing best Christmas movie. Yes. I like it.

Who's got the first pick? I don't know. Is it? What happened last week? We did the chips. I was on the turn. Oh, I think I was second. Did I?

I had the first chip pick. So Mike has the first. Oh, crap. So it second. I had the first chip pick, so Mike has the first pick. Oh, crap. So it's best Christmas movies draft. What better way to celebrate the holidays? Man. What's the best Christmas movie of all time, Mike? Don't mess it up.

I've got plenty. This is so much to pick. Oh, no, there are plenty. There are a clear two, and I don't want Jason to get the other one. Yeah. That's the problem. So you, uh, I feel like if you don't take what I think you're going to take, I don't know you because the debate comes up all the time.

The two for me are completely tied and I will go like the the balance is 51 to 49 so i'm going to take the original well it's not the original i guess i'm going to take jim carrey's the grinch that stole christmas okay okay because that is that's my favorite christmas movie i can watch that in the middle of july it's it's delightful it gets funnier and funnier every time I watch it. When it first came out, I was disappointed. And I can't for the life of me figure out why. Because as I've watched this movie a thousand times, it's great every time. The replay value is fantastic. Jim Carrey is fantastic.

And can we agree to just refer to that as the Grinch? The Grinch, sure. Because the current The Grinch? Oh, no. Yeah. Because the current The Grinch. Oh, no. Yeah, but the OG The Grinch. Yes, that's why I was going to say it's not the original. The original is the cartoon. The original cartoon is incredible. Yeah, but I'm just saying when you've got a clear winner,

which is Jim Carrey's The Grinch. Stank. Stunk. All right. Well, then I'm going with the actual best pick, even though The Grinch is a great movie. There is no... I think this is worth more votes for you.

Well, I mean, it's just... The greatest part about this pick is that it's both a vote-getter, but it's also my absolute favorite. There's no second place. When you said it was between two, I went, oh, shoot. If he takes my number one, I don't know what my two is. Oh, you would not have taken the Grinch? I would not. Well, I might have.

But I'm definitely going with my man, my best friend we've established, Will Ferrell, his Christmas classic, Elf. It is great for adults. It is great for children. It is great for the heart, for the belly, laughing. It's just so good, and it's so Christmassy. There's no, like, you know, it's full-blown Christmas all over. Full-blown Christmas. It's fantastic.

Now, the dad, who's the actor? Khan? James Khan? Yeah, James Khan. This might be a complete aside, but I feel like James Khan's a really mean man in real life. Do you get that feeling? If he's not, then that's really sad for him right now.

I think he's... I believe he's got plenty of public stories about the craziness of his life. Does he? Yeah. I'm just going off of Elf. Yes, the documentary El documentary elf i feel like i all right andy i'm thrilled with the opportunity to pick die hard as my first pick yeah okay that's what i thought mike was going i can't believe i got it i mean genuinely when i i even when jason

led into his with this is genuinely my favorite Christmas movie. I just assume the words diehard were coming out next. It is. I just didn't want to get into the argument. I know. The argument is so, is it a Christmas movie? Is it not? It is 100% a Christmas movie. Here's how it is and here's how it isn't. I'll just lay out both sides.

As long as I have them on my team, I don't care. The way that it isn't is that it as long as i have them on my team i don't care the way that it isn't is that it is not predominantly about christmas it's an action movie that takes place during christmas the season of christmas does not really affect it too much here's how it is if you look up let's say you have got apple tv and you look up christmas movies it's in the list. And if it's, how can you argue against it then? It is so ingrained in the Christmas season now and tradition. I haven't watched Die Hard.

See, I've watched it every Christmas season. I watched it last Christmas Eve. I watched it every Christmas Eve. It's just so, it's in the lore for me. So Die Hard's number one. Sure. And I have a pick that I would take to that I know will get back to me therefore i will not pick it yet and i'm gonna go with home alone home alone i love it's excellent work there uh home alone is wonderful it is a an excellent christmas movie

oh no it is a family uh fun movie it is great die hard and home alone i feel like i was given the first and second picks in the draft. And I appreciate Elf. I've never seen the Jim Carrey Grinch. I'm embarrassed to say. I've never seen it. It needs to happen this Christmas season. But Die Hard, Home Alone.

See, the thing about your movies is I like them more as movies, but they don't bring me as much Christmas joy as Grinch and Elf. That is exactly what I meant when I said about Elf. It's so fully Christmassy. It's not just one of those. There's another movie. I thought it was more of a hard-knocked tale about a boy that was adopted by another species. There's another movie that I love that is in the same vein of Home Alone and Die Hard

that it takes place in Christmas, kind of tied to Christmas, but it's not a Christmas-centric movie. We can vote. We've got the clear voting here. I might take that last. Well, I'm sure it would be allowed. But yeah, right now, I still want to focus on my fully Christmas-centric movies. And look, I took Will Ferrell in my best friend draft. I took Tim Allen in my best Papa draft TV show dads.

And I'm taking the Santa Claus, the original. It is so good. When I watched that, it explained so many things that I had always wondered about Santa. Right. Like, how does this work? Yes. And it answered so many questions. It did solve a lot of problems.

The tiny pipes. I mean, look, there's homes. We live in Arizona. We don't have chimneys. Exactly. How did that work? They figured it. The pipe.

He goes down the pipe, and then a chimney appears. You want to know how? You go watch the santa claus yes it's a great movie i am shocked over here because uh get your pandering ready ladies and gentlemen because back to back oh wait i'm writing down a movie that if anybody picks i'm booing it's just the worst go on mike okay i'm just i'm taking some i think we'll get me some votes. Oh, gosh. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Outstanding.

Yeah, no, I know. But I'm saying this is a vote-getter. This is one of the funniest movies of the Christmas time. I have it written down. Nightmare Before Christmas. Okay. I'm taking some polarizing, or a polarizing pick, I guess. All I could think of when you said that was like, wait, there's a Freddy Krueger movie

with Christmas? No, and if I left this draft without Nightmare Before Christmas, my son would not allow me to be home. Yes. My youngest, let's just say Hot Top topic is in his future as he gets older. Gotcha. Okay. He's into it.

The Grinch, Christmas Vacation, Nightmare Before Christmas are your three. Jason back on the clock. Oh, man. And then I get to pick two in a row to close out my draft. This is getting really tough. We're down to where I'm debating whether I stay in the full Christmas movies. Nightmare Before Christmas. You can't pick Braveheart.

Man, I can take a miracle on 34th. It's real good. Yeah. People love that movie. I'm not going that old, but I am going to go pretty old. Here's the thing. I watched this movie recently, just like a week or two ago with my kids, and my kids don't enjoy movies that aren't recent.

They must get it from me. I hated old movies. Whenever my parents would be like, oh, look at this old movie, I'm like, oh, that's a stupid movie. It's terrible. It's so old. It's so old. But this one held up. Totally captivated my kids the whole movie through. It was great. It was funny.

It's Jingle All the Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. And Sinbad. Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Phil Hartman. None of those in your dad draft, believe it or not. All right. And Sinbad. Yes. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Phil Hartman. Oh, yeah.

None of those in your dad draft, believe it or not. The only part. Get to the sleigh. The only part I remember from that movie is, because it's an inside joke between me and my friends, is when they're at the holiday parade and they're watching the balloons go by, there's a cat in the hat and there's just this terribly delivered line by the child actor. He's like, cat in the hat?

Cool! And then high fives. And this movie is not good. Sorry, Jay. I've got back-to-back picks. I can tell you right now, if I had got to pick four in a row... You would have taken these four?

I would have taken my four. So I feel very fortunate i have die hard and home alone how old are these gonna be and then these two are a little bit older and they they encapsulate all of what you said about a pure christmas movie okay number uh my third pick is a christmas story oh that's the one i wrote down that's just the worst I know people love it and I know it'll get votes people watching every Christmas it is so overrated I can't I can't understand how people like that movie I feel like if you saw it as a kid maybe there's nostalgia you got that Red Ryder BB gun see I didn't even have it as a kid I watched it once I grew up and I just loved it

but you're from that time period correct and that's why i'm closing it out with maybe it's maybe it's part of your nostalgia maybe not i don't care but i watch all four of these every single year so die hard home alone christmas story and i always put on with the family oh do it do it charlie brown christmas oh yeah a charlie brown christmas i don't care sometimes you want talk about overrated With the family. Oh, do it. Do it. A Charlie Brown Christmas. Oh, yeah. There you go. A Charlie Brown Christmas. I don't care. Sometimes you want Bruce Willis.

Talk about overrated. Sometimes. Goodness. You want to feel like a kid again. And nothing makes me feel like a kid again than watching something I watched when I was a little kid. And that would be like the cartoon Grinch. That would be like Frosty the Snowman Claymation.

And then it also fits in with Charlie Brown Christmas. Linus killing it on the keys. Come on. I mean, that is excellent work here for you. We all know who we are, and those are two very you picks. I'm surprised it wasn't Wonderful Life to be quite honest. I did think about it yeah i mean wonderful life uh the original frosty uh but i'm going i'm gonna go with the like this is not

gonna get me the picks this is one of my favorite movies of all time christmas or otherwise because wow i'm yeah it's probably top 15 all-time movies for me. And this is the one earlier where I was like, man, do I want to go all Christmassy? This takes place in Christmas. It's in every Christmas movie list because it is tied into it. But it's not exclusively. It's one of, if not the best rom-coms to me of all time. It's Love Actually.

Love Actually is a perfect movie for the genre. I mean, it's... I don't know. I just want to highlight, really, that you chose Love Actually over It's a Wonderful Life. I just want that to be said out loud. It's a Wonderful Life is a movie I've never seen once in my wonderful life. You're not missing anything that's what i assumed it's old you know it's real good citizen kane no no no it's

not there's singing in the rain of christmas movie the truth of the matter is it's all about what you're chaplains christmas sorry go on what you associate with christmas oh i mean the old i wouldn't have chosen jingle all the way but being bored to literal death is not what i associate with christmas all right i'm gonna i don't think i'm winning this draft but i love my movies i would Yours is more like an ADHD Christmas, Jason. Yeah? Yes. If there was a movie called an ADHD Christmas... You'd be about it?

I would have directed it. All right. It will not shock me in the least if you guys have not actually seen this particular version, but this is the one I grew up with. Krampus. No, for those that listen to the footballers, they're fully expecting a Krampus pick from me, but it's not happening. It's Mickey's Christmas Carol.

It is my favorite version of the story where Scrooge McDuck is actually Ebenezer Scrooge. It's a fantastic, fantastic rendition of the classic Christmas Carol story. My favorite is Scrooge. The Bill Murray movie? Yeah, the Bill Murray. I like that version. It was in consideration here for my last pick. But you went with Love Actually.

Have either... Have you guys seen it? Yes, yeah. Mike is... I have avoided it. Were you in love with Keira Knightley at the time when you first saw that movie? Maybe?

I plead the fifth. All right. Mike's picks. The original... Oh, I'm sorry. Jim Carrey's The Grinch. Christmas Vacation. Solid pick.

Nightmare Before Christmas, of course. And then Mickey's Christmas Carol. Jason took Elf. The Santa Claus. Jingle All the Way. And Love Actually. Wow. Started strong.

Die Hard. Home Alone. A Christmas Story. And Charlie Brown Christmas are my four Christmas movies. And you can vote for all these on our Twitter, at SpitballersPod. I look forward to battling you in this one, Andy. I look forward to battling you as well, Mike.

I really respect. The last two times we've done drafts, because we did the chip draft, and you took some solid chip picks. Christmas Vacation, wonderful selection. I respect you as a person. You as well. You did very, very well. Hey, wait.

What'd you guys learn today? How about me, guys? How do you think about my picks? Your picks are fine. I got second place in the chips draft. Did you? I did. Did I win?

You did. All right. I think Ruffles replied to that. I won the best TV deads, though. Going away. Well, like the review said, I think Ruffles replied. I won the best TV deads, though. Going away. Well, like the review said, I never win these anyways, and I don't care. You're dumb. What I learned today was that Mike will take his shirt off in the middle of a store to

change clothing because he needs to feel the shirt on his skin. Yes. And I learned that Jason would like a society in which we have the ability to quick change at any time due to a loop. Or what did you call it? A hoop. A hoop. Magic hoop. Not a loop.

A hoop that you can pull up and change clothes at any time. That'd be awesome. And I learned that I've been doing parties all wrong my entire life. Gotta take those pies. In and out with the pie. Don't forget the whipped cream. Thank you. Have a wonderful holiday season and we will see you in a couple of weeks the whipped cream. Thank you. Have a wonderful holiday

season and we will see you in a couple of weeks. And we will miss you. Go listen to the archive if you need to. Goodbye. We love you all. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.