Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 131: Spitballers Classics: Sharing Your Toothbrush With WHO?!

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

We will be back next week with a great, fresh episode. But until then, enjoy another fantastic show from the Spitballers archives --- On today’s episode, we discover some of the roles Jason was born to play on the big stage. We also have another fantastic edition of Liar, Liar! Will a winner emerge or will Owl stump the trio? We close out the episode drafting movie characters for our laser tag teams! Don’t miss it! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, one more week off as we celebrate the holiday season with our families, so we hope you enjoy this classic episode of the show. It's going to be a good one. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scooch! Booch! Ding-a-la-dooch! B-ding-a! Ding-a-la-dooch! What was that?

I'm a big fan of the ding-a-la-dooch over here. I love it. I give that an 8 out of 10. I give that a 9. Ding-a-la-dooch. I don't know what was going to happen, man. I mean, there was the scooch and the booch. That's classic for around here.

Low-hanging fruit. And then M. Night Shyamalan came in at the end. The diggaladooch. Because I had no idea that that's what was about to happen. I had no idea either, Mike. I'll be honest. We don't plan these things, man. Diggaladooch.

Diggaladooch sounds like something I'm not allowed to say. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. My kids would be sent to their rooms. We got to start this show over. We just said digg a la douche. And it's not, you know, it's like. It's normal.

It's totally normal. There's nothing wrong with that, but it sounds like it should be. Welcome in to the Spitballers podcast. Would you rather, liar, liar, a spectacular draft today on the show. Liar, liar is back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no we're back we're back i know that the spit wads have been upset they're like why did you have to go spend time with your families oh they sound so one guy you know who you are but here's the deal we're back and for 2020 we've

talked we we got together we had like a company meeting we brought the producers in brought us in and we said we're gonna finally start doing a good show we're gonna actually do a good show i know i didn't get the memo that's why the dude happened yeah you're not you weren't at the meeting we were talking about the stars of the show okay i got you and i know i know we won the best comedy podcast award for 2019. But what does that mean? Nothing. Yeah. Because the 2021 is going to be so much sweeter.

I'm excited to be back. That's next year, Jason. Yeah, you said 2021. So are we skipping a whole year? No, no, no. The 2021 is going to be great. Bad choice of words from a wordsmith. That's impossible to say.

The 2020 Award That would have been a direction you could have gone But that one The 2021 Is going to be great At SpitballersPod On Twitter SpitballersPod.com

It is nice to be back Recording a Well rehearsed, perfectly analyzed podcast with you all. Let's hit Would You Rather. Would You Rather. All you need to do is go to the tape. Like if you go to YouTube.com slash Spitballers, if you want to know whether i knew what was coming

out of my mouth to start this show just go to the tape because it was a discovery of my own uh words i had no idea body and mind he's learning about himself right now yes the this reminds me so uh literally last night the uh we were celebrating my my middle son his birthday the the grandparents came over we had a nice night and my wife is playing a would you rather card game with the kids i have no idea where this came from i'm clearly i have my house on lockdown i know everything that's happening yeah but so apparently my wife who is also very very vigilant and careful with these things but they're playing a would you rather and it's supposed to be a kid's game oh no and i'm on the couch because i'm under the weather i've

i've been dealing with with flu stuff yeah you look like and all of a sudden i thank you i look like you do every day oh get bodied so i. So I hear, all of a sudden I hear, would you rather slide down a fireman's pole covered in thumbtacks into a vat of vinegar? Okay, that sounds bad. And then the other one was like, or like, get your nails ripped off. And I'm like, what kind of a child, what kid's game is happening in my house? It was a little extreme for you? It's like your body would, what is happening?

Would you rather grab a wife hacksaw and go down, like, it was so bizarre. It was a little too morbid for you? Yeah, I mean. We would never do anything like that. So what'd they choose? So would you rather slide down a fireball? Now, what I'm visualizing is the covered in thumbtacks so that you have a lot of different open wounds for the vinegar.

Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be bad. I'll tell you honest. I'm not going to lie. But it would be evenly bad across your whole body. So does that make it better or worse? To me, the vinegar part was inconsequential.

If you're sliding down a pole and it's just covered in tacks, you're open. I'm not open. I'm not open at all. I don't have one wound on me. You have a protective layer. He's not grabbing the pole. He's falling. Exactly.

I'm not talking about my fat suit. You have to slide down it. You can't slide down. What are you, a mic? Are you trying to skirt the rules over here? All right. Sorry. What is our

would you rather here's our actual questions and i have not seen these yet mitch from patreon money aside would you rather be cast as a new hero yes in the avengers movie series yes or be cast as a main character in a tv show that will be successful for five five years five years that's a long time that's a huge success and you know in five years there will years, that's a long time. That's a long run. That's a huge success. And you know in five years there will be 37 other Avengers movies that have come out since your special edition one. I have thought about this.

Thank you, Mitch, from Patreon. Of course you have. Of course you've thought about this. Of course I've thought about this. I was a theater major. You definitely get to choose one. That's what you think. Yes, and I will.

I'll choose one of these two. I apologize if this derails you, but you're a theater major. You had thought about this. Did you have a role? Like growing up saying, this is the role. If I ever got to play this, that would be the pinnacle of my theatrical career. You mean like a show? You're like, I'm Hamlet I am not like a

Hawaiian role oh man wow everyone's in on it today thank you Al uh it's like but seriously but he was like he was about to say Kaiser Spider-Man I mean just just anything how'd you know how did you know it was Spider-Man being Spider-Man? It was the marshmallow guy at the end of the stay puff marshmallow man from ghostbusters. Yes, exactly. Oh, job of the heart. I would just like to say there an Ace Ventura like you live show. Thank you. Like a theater. You had to have thought of that. Yes, I did. I'm trying to remember who it was, so I don't i i remember who it was a little bit and maybe alboran will be able to remind me yes uh java the hut puma uh pizza the hut uh was also

i mean if i could restart this episode oh man all right so here was my actual uh answer and i see owl because you were a theater person as well. And I can't remember the show, but it was it was a lover. The actual lover wanted to be the scientist. You want to be flubber? He's crying at how happy he is for making fat jokes at me. No, it was a neil simon show um and this character had just an an incredible uh monologue at the end of the show yeah neil

simon's playwright very famous player all i can think of is paul simon it's same guy same guy call me al he just used the different uh different monikers neil simon uh died in the park sweet charity yeah it wasn't one of those so this isn't a good answer but that was but that was i was trying to set you up for like an insightful jason moore behind the scenes look the truth is i wanted to be jim carrey i wanted to grow up and be my ace in tour i didn't want to like do some reprisal you think you were gonna be a saturn live guy i thought he was there was a genuinely there was a genuine time in my life i thought i was gonna be on saturday night live i remember i remember uh going home after i had finished my

last class the groundlings and had some uh very well respected people very connected at snl that were saying i i killed it i remember thinking man I'm gonna be there and then I never went back I 100% disappointed do you think about that yeah no genuinely there's there's been a couple times my wife can attest there's been a couple times in my life one recently that um last night that uh yeah I I wondered I wondered a lot and yes does it how Borland just came through. It was Rumors. I could see you wanting to be in that show.

It's a great show. Yes, that was the show. Okay, Rumors. I don't know. I think this will hurt, not help. But I remember, I mean, I've known Jason since I was in high school and seen him in every play during high school. And, obviously, you ended up with a very successful tech career.

And, obviously, we moved on to the podcast, but I remember getting in the car. I got picked up by my dad. This is how young I was. You know, I couldn't drive yet. I picked up after hanging out with you one time and, and told him without a doubt.

I know that he will be on SNL. Oh, thanks. Thanks. Does that help or hurt? It, no, that's nice.

That's kind of, I would just say this. I am a certain rumors. I'm there is a police officer. My sister was's nice. That's kind. I would just say this. A police officer in Rumors? There is a police officer in Rumors. My sister was the police officer in high school. That is not the role. Does that make you feel better? No, not at all.

That's a stupid role. All right. Sister had a stupid role. Oh, no. No, I'm not saying she's stupid. It's just her role. I'm telling her. I'm taking the TV show.

Okay. Five years of a great TV show. That's a crazy run. The loyalty for that show. You will. Now, some people may not want to be, you know, I don't know if you end up being typecast or just known as one character forever, right? Like Jack from Lost is Jack from Lost forever.

But I think that's cool. Like, I think it would be awesome to be known as the one character from the one show that everybody loved for five years. When you see people on the street, street you know it's not overly intimidating as some superstar movie star but you're just like a cool celebrity that's the one I'd go that that's what I was gonna point out here is the movie star is far more famous than the TV star even though the TV starts with someone for five years when you are a movie star far more people they don't get to experience you for years the same way they're not as attached

if they know you but far more people know you that being said is it changed though with the fact that like the premiere shows have come out the stranger things or the game of thrones those shows have characters that are like permeating more than you know being on nypd blue so to speak? Does it make it like the Emilia Clarke's or like all the kids from Stranger Things? The level of the show matters. The level of the show matters. Because here's what matters to me. Can I now rest completely on my laurels for the rest of your-

Never do another piece of work and just go to conventions. Ooh. And people- If you do Avengers, then it's a yes. the rest of you never do another piece of work and just go to conventions oh and people if you do avengers people wait in line that's to give me 250 a pop for my signature and you're just known as hawkeye yeah or whatever yeah if i can do that then that's that's that's my choice you'd have to be a because i said cast as a new hero you'd have to be great and known as that hero for that to happen. But yeah, that's possible. There are cult classic movies that

last forever. But a five-year run, I mean, NYPD Boo, that's a great example. A five-year run on that show or a five-year run on Game of Thrones, that's a very different person. Hold on, let me ask you a couple questions. Kramer versus... It didn't work so well in the end for Kramer. Well, that was really Kramer versus... Yeah. Did either one of you watch... It didn't work so well in the end for Kramer.

Well, that was really on him. But anyway. Did either one of you watch... Don't be a racist. ...Chicago Fire? I've watched Chicago nothing. Yeah, because it's terrible. Yeah.

Get out of my life. And they're still on, by the way. Chicago Medical. Okay, how about... And they combine them all. They're all combo episodes. Of course. How about The Big Story?

What? Okay. How about Wagon Train? them all they're all combo episodes how about the big story what okay how about wagon train are these five-year shows is that what you're looking up five-year runs because these are not necessarily five-year runs exactly there are a billion shows that have been on for five years that we know is that recent there's a wagon show okay How about According to Jim? Is it more fun to be on a show for five years and be a part of that cast and crew than it is to be? You've got to imagine that's a camaraderie, right? Here's the thing. According to Jim, that's Belushi. Yeah.

Right? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I remember that. Yeah, I do. I've never watched an episode of my life. But if you hit five years on a sitcom, that's syndication, baby. That's cash money.

That's syndication money. Yeah. So I'm going to choose the TV show here. Because even though you're not going to get the same level of fame, as an actor, I feel like you get... This is so pretentious. It does say it will be successful for five years. This is so pretentious.

But I feel I've always thought this. When I watch a show that I really love that has five seasons, I think like the to get into a role for I mean, what is it? Ten episodes minimum a season. Let's say it's a drama. So it's an hour. Yeah. You're talking about 50 hours of playing a character. Get me in that Downton Abbey versus exactly versus a twohour role where it's like, you know, I love movies.

I love the Oscars. I watch these great actors. But when you are doing a role on a television show that's week in and week out for five-plus years, I've got to take that. It's an experience that I think I want. I've got to take the movie. You're going to take the big guy. I'm just a movie guy.

Is it part of it because of the hero? You get to play a hero? I mean, that's a huge part of it... I'm just a movie guy. Is it part of it because of the hero? You get to play a hero? I mean, that's a huge part of it. But I'm just... I'm a movie guy. Like, literally last night, my wife was like, we need another show. Because we've been in a show hole for quite some time. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. But the problem is, I'm a movie guy. Like, I want to fire up a movie. It doesn't matter if I've seen it a thousand times. And then I'm scrolling through all the new shows. I'm just like, meh, it's a show. Really? I'm a movie guy. You know what's funny is, you know Maggie Smith? Yeah. No. So Maggie Smith is, she plays Professor McGonagall. Professor McGonagall on Harry Potter. She's been a- Sure. Just say the oldest lady you can ever remember over the last decade who has always been old. That's her. You know

her. And she's got a she wears the witch hat that's yeah okay she's got she turned into the cat in the movie but anyway she has a major role in Downton Abbey right she's got a stage career she's one of the most famous British stage one of the most British people no one of the most famous I said famous British you heard me not the most British. You heard me. Not the most British. It was like one of the most famous, one of the most British, one of the most women

in the world. One of the most women, yeah. She's got like a 40, 50 year career on stage as one of the most well regarded stage actresses ever. She's Professor McGonagall. No, she's not. She's Violet from Downton abbey she

said she was never willie wonka she was never recognized until that show and that show has defined her wait that was before some mcgonigal yes yes here's here's the truth what you just said is nonsense because that quote had to have come out before harry potter because when i think of her yes i love downton abbey she is unbelievable as violet she's so great but she's professor mcgonigal you yourself you yourself when you were trying to describe to mike who she was i figured mike would know exactly that's a good point that's a good point all right uh we've we've exhausted that movie i'm taking the movie. I'm exhausted.

We're moving on. I'm going to the movie. Renee from Twitter. Hey, there's a Downton Abbey movie, so she's a star there, too. All right. Would you rather have the ability to solve any mathematical equation in your head instantly? No, no, no. I said solve, Jason. Oh.

Not confuse. I thought read. If I had the ability to read, would you rather have the ability to read language? What's funny is I do not have the ability to read mathematical equations. Okay, that's fair. Like legit full mathematical equations

that are like at MIT, I couldn't read. I couldn't tell you. And yet you love pie, so I don't understand. All right, would you rather have the ability to solve any mathematical equation in your head instantly or communicate in any existing language with perfect fluency? That's easy. Ooh.

What advantage is solving any mathematical equation in my head going to get me? Oh my gosh. Every science. Every day it's going to solve things. It's not going to get me nearly as much as knowing. You will be able to tip perfectly. Ooh. Wow. Cool. You're not into that as opposed

to speaking any language fluently it's not even close let's travel around the globe speaking speaking to every single person or being able to calculate the interest rate on my mortgage without a calculator they make a thing called a calculator on purpose. Can you speak to, like, whales? It's a language. No. It's not a language. Human languages. It says any existing language. Okay, Mike, let go.

No, this is, so you and I are, everyone here is shocked at how obvious, no, he's shaking his head no, how obvious the answer to this question is but we're on different sides but yet let me tell you the amount of times in my life that i have found myself in need of speaking another language it's never it's not happened because you can't speak another language you would travel with frivolity if you could speak another language i promise you the reason i have not gone overseas has nothing to do with like well i was gonna go to germany yesterday but i don't speak german like no the reason i haven't traveled is because it's on the other side of the world far away i'm but math like i'm not trying to solve the craziest math equations of all time but if i can

that means i can solve all of the little things. That means when here's where it comes into my children right now. They're in fifth grade. They're bringing math homework to me. Oh, goodness. Oh, my goodness. It's the new core math. No, no. Mine's still traditional.

But wait, what? Yeah, we have real math. Yeah, we've got real math from a charter school. My kids have the stupid core math. Dude, I don't know how to do that crap. But I don't either. But do that crap. I don't either. But do you know how you could know that? Ooh.

Solving every equation in the world. I mean, I would be a tutor for my children. I could make them feel so dumb because I would be like, look how smart I am. I mean, I'm just saying. No, the language is infinitely better. Okay, here's the thing. For Jason's point, I think it's the language, but if you can solve any mathematical equation,

any mathematical equation, you could solve the mysteries of the universe. Yes, if you unravel it to that degree, you're certainly right, and I can respect that. How does an atom bomb work? Jason's answer. I know. Yeah, but again, why does that matter? How can I do bomb work? Jason's answer. I know. Yeah, but again, what does that matter?

How can I get that? But Jason's answer is so dumb. How many pizzas do I need to order? He wants to do algebra. We're going to have 12 people here. That is the word. That's true. The pizza conundrum is real.

I like that he wants to teach us. Boom. This is how many pizzas I need. I like the circular logic of, I want to know how to solve a math equation so I can teach my kids how to solve a math equation so I can teach my kids how to solve a math equation so they can grow up not needing to solve any math equations.

The only reason you want to know it is to teach somebody else so that they can teach their kids. Nobody's using it. Well, but do they need an A to get into a good college? Boom. I just got my children a better job. Yeah, I got mine. I'm taking the math.

Now, let me ask you. I'm being the smartest person ever. Thank you, Mike. Let me ask you this, Andy, Mr. Language Man. When is the last time you have found yourself in need of speaking another language? Genuinely. The last time I traveled overseas.

When was that? 2005. For the record, it is 2020. You want to know what makes it intimidating to travel overseas or to any foreign country? Cost. The language barrier, not the cost. I would do it in a heartbeat.

So you're saying that you would have gone back if only you could have spoken Hebrew. You would have gone back, but that was what was stopping you? No, it isn't. Money. But you're looking at it the wrong direction. Mike is making the right point of saying if you could solve any equation, then you't. Money. It isn't. Money. But you're looking at it the wrong direction. Mike is making the right point of saying, if you could solve any equation, then you could then unravel. If I could speak any language, then I could go travel. And Jason's like, I want to do Algebra 3-4.

Yeah. I want to be able to get that pizza order right. I know just how much it's going to cost me. No, I'm totally taking the math. I'll use it every single day on all the little things. All right. These are very animated today. Randall from Patreon,

would you rather share a toothbrush with your spouse or with your child? Get out. What? Randall, let me tell you right now, Randall does not have kids. Randall does not have kids randall does not have children i walk into my child's bathroom oh gosh and it is like biohazard it's i mean it's literally a murder scene from ghostbusters ghosts have died in there and all their ectoplasm is everywhere that place is a massacre and you want

to know where the toothbrushes are they're on the floor they're on the floor in the toilet probably the where you know they go missing every there's no chance i would share with my kid now does the sharing just the overall idea you could have played Slimer, too, on a play. You're darn right I could. Yeah, probably. Because this one's easy. It's the spouse. But the idea, the actual idea of a sharing a toothbrush, does it gross you out?

It doesn't bother me. I will be honest with you and with America and with the world. Okay. Please do. Once upon a time, that was as gross as it got. The idea of sharing a toothbrush with my spouse, who I love, who I, you know, kiss and saliva is exchanged. Yes.

Is disgusting as beyond reproach is just saliva. Fine. But plaque. No. Exactly. Thank you, Mike. But then we bought really really gingivitis we bought really really expensive toothbrushes early on in our marriage and we've never changed

and we 15 years and we lost one carbon fiber i'm just saying like a long time ago when you lost one when it wasn't common for the the sonic care hundred dollar toothbrush we had it a long time ago and we lost one on a trip oh okay so we had one and you wouldn't settle for like an over-the-counter toothbrush oh gosh get out of here wait do you really use like nice expensive toothbrushes like the big sonic cares yes and and so we shared it and at first it was beyond foul and then i got i got you that was a week that was one week and i was like oh this is fine and so i i have shared a toothbrush with my wife and and i'm proud to say we have our own toothbrushes now for many years we were able

to overcome and purchase another sonica we to overcome our loss and find another toothbrush. Oh, my gosh. But yeah, no, I have. Are you, would you share a toothbrush with your wife? Over my child, yes. But would you be grossed out sharing a toothbrush with your wife? Absolutely. Yes.

Really? Yeah. Are you not grossed out, Mike? No, not in the slightest. Okay. It's fine. Yeah, it's gross. That's the big sticking point for me is that it's gross.

Here's where it's not gross. Because you're prying food off your teeth. Yeah. I know that you rinse the brush. Yeah. Now, I would do it. Here's what I would do. I'd just dip it in the mouthwash.

I'd have like a thing of Listerine. Yeah. Perfect. Like plutonium colored Listerine. And then I'd put that in there and all the bristles melt away. As someone who is experienced in the matter,

of the tooth brush, of the sharing a toothbrush, let me tell you when it's okay and when it's not. When it's okay, when I go first. When it's not, when I go second. Is it like a warm toilet seat? It is not okay. Like, if I go first. When it's not, when I go second. Is it like a warm toilet seat? It is not okay.

Like, if I go first, it's cool. If it's hours later, it's cool. If she just got there first and she used the toothbrush. Hands are the right teeth. And I'm using this already wet toothbrush. Really? Oh, dude, no. I'm out.

Gross. I'm not brushing that day. Gross. It is gross. I can attest.'s here's a window into my life all right i was getting this doc ready last night and i read this question to my wife and without hesitation she goes oh i'd share it with our son so you're disgusting yeah i need to examine my uh oral hygiene would share with your child our four-year-old son, yes. But without hesitation. The man that she smooches.

That's what I said. Oh, my goodness. Regrettably. Your mouth must be disgusting. Or you're just the way that you handle a toothbrush. Or my child has an impeccably clean mouth. One of those two. And I'm going to guess, if I had to guess, that one of you has a really clean mouth or one of you has a really dirty mouth.

Basically, both have then it's dirty mouths yes all right we're moving on liar liar pants on fire my favorite segment why don't you explain why jason well it's my favorite because al borland comes up with lies that all seem outlandish and impossible and the three of us guess which one is not a lie but is indeed a real thing in life no no no two are true two are true once a lot with the exact inverse i gave you a chance to explain. Is the exact opposite of what I said. Yeah. You were a bit of a liar liar. One of the, well,

was I? It's up to you to decide. You try to figure out what the segment is. So one of these things is a lie. One is a lie, two are true. That is how the segment works. I'm never known. Al, go ahead and deliver them.

We'll discuss and obviously get them right. Alright, round one. The first fact is all screws used to construct the original pews in the Sistine Chapel were made with one leg of the typical Phillips head extended to resemble a crucifix. Special care was taken

to ensure that none of them were installed upside down. True. That's true. Because you don't want the upside down cruise to fix. That's true. So next is Scotland's national animal is the unicorn. And lastly, between six and nine nuclear weapons have been lost or misplaced by the United States military and have never been recovered. All right.

Let me just say this. If the false item here is that Scotlandotland's national animal is a unicorn then that means that al borland is the laziest man alive because two of these are unbelievably specific i will tell you i guess i'm tipping my head i am 90 plus percent confident that scotland's national animal is the unicorn really i? You know when the trivia thing in the back of your head is just rattling off? But I'm 90% convinced that Al Borland is very lazy. So it's like one of those two things has to be wrong.

I mean, you're right. The low-hanging fruit is to say that the Scotland one is wrong. I hope that the nuclear one isn't wrong just because there's like nine to 12. I'm locking that one in. It's because it's too low. It's more than that. It's too low.

See, that's what I wondered too. It's too low. Yeah. We've definitely lost way more nukes than that. We're not talking about it. Seriously? Who knows? Have you seen Broken Arrow?

The unicorns have them. I'm going to just stick with the obvious. I'm going to go obvious here and say that the National Anicorn is a Unicom. The National Animal is the Unicorn is false. That's my final answer. Jason? I'm going to trust Mike here and say that that is correct. Maybe I'm just trying to win the game.

Sure. Well played. Between six and nine nuclear weapons have been lost or misplaced by the United States. Seven and ten. That's what I was going to be mad about, though. If it's just like one number, the numbers are one off. But Jason, you got to pick, man. I think Mike has to pick.

I did. I already did. You're the last one we've been waiting. I said the numbers are wrong. They're too low. pick. I did. Mike already did. You're the last one we've been waiting for. I said the numbers are wrong. They're too low. Okay. All right. Well, man, that first one about the Sistine Chapel is so dumb.

It's so stupid. Oh, it's so stupid, though. But back then, for sure, they were freaking out about upside down crucifixes. Look, I'm'm gonna be super impressed by by al borland if this is the lie i'm i'm sticking with you mike i think between six and nine nuclear weapons have been lost but i'm saying we're not losing our nukes you take the under or the over i take the all right all right al all right you're all wrong. What? You came up with that? The Sistine Chapel one was made up. What a liar. You are a liar and a scoundrel.

Wow. Wow. So we've lived. It was too intense. Now we know. No, look, we're building our database of what Al is capable of. Last time we did this segment, we figured out it's Hitler-related lies. Yes, he loves himself some Hitler. And now he loves lying about the crucifix and Sistine Chapel.

All right. So, by the way, am I supposed to read these? I forgot how I did that. Do I normally read them? Yeah, you did throw me off a bit. Okay, sorry about that. All right, round two. Boanthropy.

I love that as soon as he has to read it. The first word is boanthropy. Is a psychological disorder in which the afflicted person believes they are a cow. Okay. So bovine, boanthropy. It makes sense. Checks out. Lie or truth number two.

Lollipops were originally invented as a way to get picky children to take their medicine without realizing it by infusing the candy with pharmaceuticals. Checks out. Been there. Yeah. Spoonful of sugar. The last one. The oldest yo mama joke was discovered on a 3,500-year-old Babylonian tablet.

No, come on. That's so stupid. It can't be that one. There's no way Jeremy would make that up or owl, whichever we're calling you today. Now, here's the thing that's so stupid about that. He's twisting us into knots, guys. Here's the thing about that. The oldest yo mama joke discovered 3,500 years ago, if that's true, which I'm going to go

ahead and say it is because there's no way he would write that. If that's true, it wasn't a yo mama joke. I remember when yo was added to the Webster's Dictionary in like the 90s. It was a joke about your mother. That was like 30 years ago in the snaps books. Oh gosh. How do I decide the oldest your mom? If your mama jokes are 3,500 years old, I'm really proud of us as a people. Fool me once, fool me twice. I'm taking the oldest your mama joke. That's the lie. I'm not, I'm with you. I'm not in on the final answer. I'm with you. Okay.

I'm with you. I'm not in on this. Final answer. I'm with you. Okay. I'm going to take the Boanthropy because... That was my backup. Bovine checks out, which means he's like, oh, this is the whole thing.

It's Bovine. This totally makes sense. That's his exact voice. Wait, wait. Hold on. I got to break down this word. Boanthropy. No, because Anthropy, that's like the study of.

Yeah. Right? No, you've already made your... You've cast your vote. Actually, that's... Dang, you're probably that's like the study of yeah well no you've already made your you've cast your vote actually that's dang you're probably right yeah I'm right but we have to be is a lie and you're a liar owl all right now it you're all wrong oh my gosh lollipops was the lie no

gosh while they have been used in in modern times to be to be infused with medications, they were not invented, and that wasn't done back in the day. Boanthropy is the study, I'm sorry, the psychological disorder in which a person believes they're a cow, and there was a 3,500-year-old Babylonian tablet that was found with a Yo Mama joke on it.

Yeah, you better snub yourself because you are believing some lies. Al Borland, you are. Feel free to fact check me. You're doing my taxes this year because you're going to get them. They're going to have no clue what's true and what's a lie. What's it called when you're afraid of spiders? That's arachnophobia. Yeah, that's what I thought a psychological order would have ended in.

Yeah, phobia. Oh, anthrophobia. Well, no, because they're not afraid. Oh, no, they believe they're a cow. Good point. All right. Round three of our- That would be like boh- phobia. Oh, anthrophobia. Well, no, because they're not afraid. Oh, no, they believe they're a cow. Good point. All right, round three of our- That would be like boh-phobia. This is like our fail session.

What happens if all three of us are wrong? We have to choose different options here, guys. Al wins. Al would win. All right, round three. A coin flip is not truly 50-50. Because of the extra mass on the head side of the coin pulling it downward, there is almost a 53% chance

the coin will land tails side up. Tails never fails. Number two, a duel between three people is actually called a truel. Oh man, that's so stupid. And number three,

Bluetooth technology was named after a 10th century king, King Harold Bluetooth? No. Come on. We are going to look so dumb right now. All three are lies because this is so stupid. What? A duel between three people is called a truel?

I mean, what else would you call it? That kind of makes sense. What else would you call it? I mean, I feel feel like how do you duel with three people i believe that's called a fight that's called a mexican standoff isn't it where you've got like a bunch of different parties where everyone's just aimed at each other there's not a king herald bluetooth is there roaming the countryside please tell me that this one is true because if there's a king harold bluetooth

that's my final answer the bluetooth one's a lie oh man i'm going bluetooth liar i'm i'm pretty i'm in on the coin flip one i can buy that one is real oh okay good because that i was gonna say oh that's what you say that's my lie i i i believe that a coin flip might not be truly 50 50 like as you continue to go. The odds of it coming up the same. But I don't buy the rationale that 53% of the time it'll land tail sides up because it's heavier. That's malarkey. It seems a bit hard.

Mike, we cannot let him win. You have to go with the other one. Okay. Did you guys know that a duel between three people is called a truel? It's called a thrall. He's testing it out on us to see if it sounds reasonable. It's called a truel? It's called a thrall. He's testing it out on us to see if it sounds reasonable. That's the lie.

I hope that's the lie. Jeremy says that this is his answer. He goes, they're all lies. I hope he says, well, that is the lie because there's no such thing as a duel with three people. That could be it. All right. We've all locked in a different answer. You can't win, stupid. Alright,

go on. Alright, the winner of today's Liar Liar is Jason. Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. Tell me why. While some do believe that the extra mass of the head side of the coin might cause some slight advantage, it's nowhere near 3% and there's much more

variation in how the coin is flipped and things like that. I believe that I am the smartest man. There's got to be machines out there that have taken a coin and flipped it 1 million times. It's definitely not 50-50. I guess 53% is too high. Here's the thing.

If it is actually 50-50 and you flip it a million times, that doesn't mean that 500,000 times it comes up heads. But pretty much. Yeah. No, pretty close.

When you flip it that many times, it means pretty much. Close. Yeah. Pretty close. Whatever. Let's get to the draft. Yeah. I bet you wish you had that math skill now.

I could tell you something else. You could win this argument. The Spitballers Draft. All right, today we are drafting movie character laser tag teams. All right, so you are not choosing actors. You are choosing actual characters from the movies. You are trying to comprise a, I'm assuming, four-character laser tag team, and you're going to battle, and there are many things to consider,

none of which I will say aloud because I don't want to advantage my two enemies here. I don't want to clue people in on what's important in a laser tag fight because obviously I know. What is laser tag? What is laser tag? I'm just illustrating

how stupid you sound right now. We know what's important in a laser tag match. Well, we'll find out, won't we? Alright, I'm going to kick this thing off. I've got the number one pick. how stupid you sound right now. We know what's important in a laser tag match. Well, we'll find out, won't we? Oh my goodness. Won't we? All right. I'm going to kick this thing off. I've got the number one pick. There's a one-on-one.

There's a clear one-on-one. I'm taking Neo. Okay. Interesting. I'm taking Neo. Bye. Neo will never be hit, ever. That's a good point.

And he's also the one, and he also has gun skills, and he's also Keanu Reeves. He's on my list. So I'm taking Neo. 100%. He's on my point. He's also the one. And he also has gun skills. And he's also Keanu Reeves. He's on my list. So I'm taking Neo. He's on my list. From the Matrix. But I just want to let you know that bullets travel a heck of a lot slower than light. So while he tries to dodge my laser beam, he'll be like, oh, that's real fast. I'm out.

I'm used to dodging bullets, but not the fastest thing known in human history. All right, Mike, you're up. All right, well, let's see if we have the same clear 101, Jason. Yeah, we do. Because my superhero, his entire existence in life is that he literally can't miss. So I will take Hawkeye. Interesting. We don't have the same 101. We don't have the same one. Yeah take Hawkeye. Interesting. We don't have the same one.

We don't have the same one. Hawkeye was like a very late climb onto my long list. Hawkeye, he can't miss. Really? He can't miss. Use your argument that it's with arrows, not lights. 100%.

You don't know anything about Hawkeye. It's with anything that he throws or shoots. It's a projectile. He's also human. Read up about Hawkeye. It's with anything that he throws or shoot. It's a projectile. He's also human. Read up about Hawkeye, bro. Is he the one? No. Is Hawkeye the one?

No. I guess Neo was the one. Do you get to go into the computer? Jason, you get two picks. You didn't realize that I was setting up there? That was so lame. All right. All right.

So Neo and Hawkeye. I can't believe that I'm sitting here with the 101 available. I mean, there's three guys I want here, so I'm going to take all three because I would like three picks. Is that allowed? Liar. No. You get two.

All right. Well, look, I'm going to take my 101, who is beyond skilled in weaponry. John Wick. Neo is okay. Yeah, sure. John Wick. Neo is okay. John Wick is awesome, but John Wick misses. Yeah, and he's also definitely not the one. John Wick is definitely behind Neo. Thank you.

Okay. How about this one? That's coming from the biggest John Wick fan I've ever known. John Wick is like, he gets shot. He gets beat up. I mean, he's better than everybody, but that's in like a human situation. You have a computer simulation. I have a superhero.

You got just like a really good dude. Okay, so you're – Okay. But no, still good pick. Great 101 pick. Thank you. It was. It's amazing how it got to 103, huh?

Okay. Your guy. It was. It's amazing how it got to 103, huh? Okay. Your guy can't miss. Literally cannot miss. Literally cannot miss. It doesn't matter. It does not matter that he can't miss. Okay. Because he can't get his shot off. You want to know why? Because Quicksilver just came and tagged him.

Boom, bam. Skit, skat. You can't get me. You can't see me. The fight's over before it starts. I got Quicksilver. You're all out. That's not bad. I'm out.

That's all I need is Quicksilver. I don't even remember who Quicksilver is. Quicksilver is a very inferior version of The Flash. Sure. Okay. So I'll take The Flash Flash who is the fastest person. So you're going countering him. You're countering him. Yeah.

So you're taking my pick. I will take your pick, but the better version of your pick. That's not a better. You're saying. Okay. I want it known. The Flash is the fastest person ever created. You think that DC greater than Marvel.

I heard you loud and clear. He got the DC version of my speedster. Idiot. Oh my gosh. The Flash is faster than Quicksilver. No, he's not. I've never seen a race.

Have you seen a race? Yes, I set it up. I'm going with the genie from Aladdin. Oh my goodness. What is happening? going with the genie from Aladdin. Oh, my goodness. What is happening? He can't do things for himself. He can do whatever he wants, man. I'm going to draft Aladdin, and I'm going to take those wishes.

He's a free genie. We know the end of Aladdin. That's true. You can take Aladdin. That's a wasted pick. Yeah, you're taking a dude, but that would be just like John Wick. Why not take Raja? So I'm going.

You guys are going very good. That's so stupid. i'm taking the genie okay for obvious reasons see it works out because he doesn't have to kill anybody uh there's laser tag yeah it's laser tech so that's a good pick can't betray anything and then my next choice i think my i think one of these guys can get to the very end for me so i'm gonna skip them and i'm actually gonna go i'm gonna go with darth vader i'm gonna go with darth you got the force okay so these lasers you talk about the power of light he can detour light wow yeah i'm going darth vader uh wow now see now i will if you want star wars go like Han Solo because he actually shoots lasers. Oh, does he have the Force?

He shoots lasers. Yeah, but it's not all. It's a laser tag. I can literally take the laser you shot at me and send it right back at you. That's what I got with Darth Vader. Man. You're right about it. You know I'm right.

The problem here is. He would stop it. Before, literally before The Force Awakens was released, I would say no. That's impossible. But Kylo Ren, in fact. Yeah, you just saw it. You just saw it.

Kylo Ren stops. Oh, wait. This is where he drafts Kylo Ren because he's like, I'm going to take your guy, but the better version. No, no way. Kylo Ren can do it. Josh Groban is not the better version of Darth Vader. Darth Vader is a way better version than Kylo Ren. Look, no way. No. Josh Groban is not the better version of Darth Vader. Darth Vader is a way better version than Kylo Ren.

Look, you guys, Neo, the genie, and Darth Vader, I'm feeling great. And don't worry, I got something on my sleeve for a gunner to finish this off. Man. All right. Was that a genie pun? Power up your sleeve. I liked it if it was. A little more baklava.

Life's going to be more fun on my team too. This got dumb. They're movie characters. All right. My list is too large. This is the problem here. Oh, I know. Mine is huge.

Okay. I am going to take... I'm going to take... I'm going to take... Take my time is what I'm going to take. Yes, I will. Thank you very much, Jason. Do you have your pick ready? I have like six picks ready.

Great, I'm going to take Rambo. What an idiot. What? Rambo? Rambo's a beast. Rambo, you're like, oh, Neil gets, or John Wick gets hit. Yeah, but he's taking Rambo in hisbo's a beast. You're like, oh, John Wick gets hit. Yeah, but he's taking Rambo in his third round pick. You took Wick 101.

First pick. Obviously, Rambo versus John Wick. I'm not sure who wins. Third round value. Come on. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Rambo is covered with fully automatic light guns. Absolutely. John Wick's got his little pew, pew, pew on Rambo is covered with fully automatic light guns yeah absolutely John Wick's

got his little pew pew yeah absolutely Rambo's going all right who killed my dog he's not Arnold that was a Schwarzenegger no that was okay hold on pause time out we're stepping away Zach Morris we're stepping away from this draft and I'm gonna ask Mike a genuine question all right no laser tag maybe maybe I'll I'll see that maybe genuine question. All right. No laser tech. Maybe, maybe I'll, I'll, I'll see that maybe, maybe Rambo is better than a laser tech. Okay. Rambo needs to kill John wick. John wick needs to kill Rambo. It's a movie. Are we in a jungle? Yeah. Where are we? We are. Where are we? Are we in a high rise? There's a difference. We're a big difference. Okay. We're in the sand dunes of Sandunville.

I don't know. Egypt. Okay. We're in the middle of Egypt. Who wins in that fight? To the death? To the death. Wick versus Rambo.

John Wick. Of course he does. Darn right. Okay. Don't explain it. Don't explain it. I'm up. We're back to the draft.

You got him two rounds ago. All right. Just, Jason, as you make your picks here, Neo, Genie, Darth Vader. right okay but don't explain it don't explain it i'm up uh we're back two rounds ago all right just jason as you as you make your picks here uh neo genie darth vader my team mike has hawkeye the flash and rambo jason has john wick quicksilver and who's your next pick you've got two final picks i've got six picks i'm jason okay well let's do this. I'm going to come after Mike. Go for it. I can tell you are. Mike's like, DC's better. My guy's faster.

I draft a guy that never misses. I'll take Superman. I'm going to take... Well, the thing about this, about laser tag here is that... William Forrester. He's still out of the game, even though he's alive. No, I'm going to take Deadshot. I'm going to take the guy who can't

miss from dc literally can't miss all right except he uses guns all the time not little bow and arrows and i'm throwing a little dart wow you've got him triggered all right so wick quicksilver dead shot it's it's a great guys you are it's a great pick as long as super nerds are listening to our podcast because that's coming from Mike! Because otherwise they have no idea who Deadshot is. I know who he is. I don't know who he is. Exactly.

Will Smith! You have the whole gamut. I didn't know Will Smith played Deadshot. You've got the whole gamut of movie characters. Are you talking about Suicide Squad? Yes! No one saw that movie. Everyone saw Suicide Squad.

You guys are locked into these superhero movies. There's a whole gamut of genies out there to be grabbed. I wanted, like, I'm just going to throw out, I wanted, like, Doc Holliday. That'd be awesome. Like, I'm your Huckleberry. But now all of a sudden we've taken it to the next level. I'm grabbing Professor X, okay? You guys can't shoot.

I'm controlling your genie. I'm taking him and I win this laser contest. As soon as you took genie, I knew it was on. Let me just remind you, most laser tag battles take place in multi-leveled facilities that a wheelchair would not be

accessible for. I will have the genie wheeling me around because I'm controlling the genie. Oh, sure I can. I don't know. All right. So you took the Professor X. Does he have a metal helmet that's impenetrable? I'm taking Magneto because he's got Magneto.

You guys just keep taking each other's. All right. All right. Hawkeye, the Flash Rambo, and one more, Mike. This is devolving to just who's the most powerful wizard. I hope we have, like, other, like, here's, on the next Spitballers episode, like, the best baking team. It's like, I take Professor X.

He's going to convince you that the cake is delicious. team. It's like, I take Professor X. He's going to convince you that the cake is delicious. No matter what we do from here on out, it's all just magic. So that's why you didn't like the genie pick. Yes. I wanted to go Doc Holliday route and Rambo,

but here we are. Look, I didn't get the genie in that last draft, and I wanted him. All right, Mike, you get one more, and I hope you don't take my final pick, because I'm pretty excited. Well, when you've got genies over there. I'm putting a motor on my wheelchair. This is going to go real fast.

All right. See, the problem is I only see Professor X from the cartoon where he has, he's got the hover chair. Yeah, well. So I think he'd be fine. I mean, I don't know how good he is with a gun. He makes you shoot yourself. Yeah. Well, so I think he'd be fine. I mean, I don't know how good he is with a gun. It's pretty. He doesn't.

He just, he makes you shoot yourself. The teammates are going after each other. All right, Mike, your final pick. All right. Now all my picks seem dumb. Yeah, because now you're checking like people that shoot in. I'll take the Sundance kid. Well, he's a loser.

He's going to die in this laser contest. Like physically die. Yeah, he'll be dead soon. All right. All right. Okay, then I will take. Oh, man. I can't wait to hear the regular dude you're picking.

I can't wait to hear the regular dude you're picking. I can't wait. Mike can't handle it. He doesn't know who to pick. Fred Rogers. All right. Okay, okay. You have to make a pick, Mike. Okay.

I will take... Give me... Okay. We are waiting. I'll take James Bond. No! That's my pick! Yes!

I did it! All right! The only fun thing I could have done. Oh, that's too bad, man. James Bond was my final pick. I thought he'd sneak to me. You get gadgets. You get astute laser tag ability.

I get a car. You get a car. You can astute laser tag ability. I get a car. You get a car. You can run over people. Shoot. I'll make you drive that car into a lake. Now, just for the record, you brought up the fact this is a devolved who has the best wizard. The three names that I have on this sheet right now are Voldemort, Gandalf and soar on. But I'm going to go with John McClain. Okay. He's my backup. John McClain. Um, yeah, I mean really the genie bringing him out,

opened up a can of problems, but Neo Darth Vader But Neo, Darth Vader, John McClane, they've all got their role to play, and the genie's just there to keep us safe. Al, do you have any thoughts on what just took place? It's not how I saw this going when I put it in the doc. It's not how I saw it going either. I have a list of like eight characters. I have Doc Holliday and John Wick.

I got Katniss on here. Oh, that's a good one. Legolas? I got Legolas. Oh, Legolas is solid. I actually have Han Solo on there. Yeah, I did too. Robin Hood, The Punisher.

Professor X. So my team is John Wick, Quicksilver, Deadshot, and it don't matter. Professor X I win. Uh, what did we learn today? Did you want to go over your team? Whatever man, it doesn't matter. Your team is Hawkeye the flash Rambo and James Bond. Mine's Neo the genie Darth Vader and John McClane from die hard. I should have saved the genie till the end cause clearly I would have had him and could have gone more prototypical. What did I learn today? I learned a lot. I learned that Jason really, really wants to know math and in fact, did not want to

play Flubber on a stage production. Oh, I would have played Flubber. Okay. Never mind. I learned something else then. I learned that you can duel with three people. I thought that was apparently a truel a trial truel truel truel yeah i apparently that's a thing i mean in fact it's kind of you're

saying it wrong because you can't duel with three people you're just true you just true with three people i learned you can never you never do it with them i thought when you truel is like when you sleep and all the saliva comes out of your mouth. Yeah, you truel all over the place. I truel on my pillow. You truel on your toothbrush. Similar to Jason, just that owl Borland is a devious liar. Nasty mouth as well.

Oh, yes. That's true. Really gross. He's a sociopath. Also, thanks for all the hard work on the show. You got it, fellas. Oh, my gosh. Thank you, Spitwads We're happy to be back

2020's gonna be awesome Goodbye Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast To see what other nonsense the guys are up to CallersPod.com.