Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 132: The Ultimate Cannonball & Songs To Scare Off An Intruder

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Hey Spitwads! We’re baaaack! Happy New Year! On today’s show, we discuss the Wizard of Oz, sky diving, pre-mergencies, and a hospital mixup. We also debate window vs aisle seats and superpowers we would prefer for our newborn babies. You don’t want to miss this episode! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.spitballerspod.com

Hey, spit wads. Guess what? Guess what? I know, Mike, you're curious what I'm going to say as well. I have no idea. I want to invite all the spit wads out there that love this show to head over to spitballerspod.com and listen. You can become an official spit wad. That means we're looking at your ideas.

We're taking a look in the spit tank at your ideas. And those are the ones we care about for the show. You get to support the podcast. You get the episodes a little bit early. A little bonus. Bonus. For supporting the podcast. So, look, we appreciate you over there at spitballerspod.com.

Click that Become a Spitwad button, and that's all there is to it. Now let's get to the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, photograph in the back with the slack blade blackjack. What? I was a little late to the party there. What little, uh, I was a little. Did you, hold on.

At what point in the music did you start to scatting? Here's the thing. We are recording remotely today. And so what warms my heart and honestly makes me feel fantastic is the fact that you don't know where. You do not know where it started for me. And I'm telling you where I started. Oh, it was perfect. It was a perfect time.

But the producer has to line up the audio. And he's going to put it exactly where it sounds best, Jeremy. I was in the house. I watched a man. Before this started, before the music kicked off, I watched a man go through all seven stages of grief where he was denying that this was happening. He got angry. Then I saw him be sad. He threw us some thumbs down.

And then he had a new stage, which was basically he was going to protest the scat so here's what he smashes it every time here's my baby all right i came in late and here's why because of what the draft is today uh which i think is going to be awesome. It should be a great end to the show. I knew where I was going with my scat. It was one word. That's all I knew. One word. What was the one word?

Sung a certain way. It was photograph. And my brain. I didn't hear that part. My non-musical brain could not rap the music that was playing in my ears with a different tune and a different beat different song and so it took me how do you have that queued up um yeah so uh that was what really delayed me being able to properly that's what that's the fantasy footballers thing So, Jason, just the last thing before we can actually start this show. If you don't have a known, like locked in, this is the start point.

There's not a start point for Al Borland, and your scat will be, in fact, even worse than you were hoping for. I think the best thing to do at this point is to leave it right where it was with all of this reaction. And so thank you for that. Look, Spitwads, welcome into the Spitballers podcast, Andy, Mike, and Jason. Back with you.

We took a couple weeks off. We had the holidays. And I say all that to explain away any rust that may be coming to the surface over the remainder of this show. No rust over here. I was on the gold bricks. I ran into Dorothy. She oiled me up.

We are four and a half minutes in, and this is already pure gold. Four and a half minutes, and I came with a sweet Wizard of Oz reference. I think this might be the best episode we've had yet. At SpitballersPod on Twitter. Because I couldn't think of Golden Road. Yeah, I didn't know where you were going with that either. It's the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Golden Bricks.

It's not the Golden Road. It's the Yellow Brick. Follow the Golden Bricks. That's what they say. Follow the Golden Brick Road. Follow the Golden Brick Road I love that golden brick road. You couldn't even get your wizard joke, your Wizard of Oz joke right. We have what I think will be one of our greatest drafts on the show today.

Now Jason is upset because Mike just called Wizard of Oz overrated. I'm just throwing a grenade out real quick. You can't say Wizard of Oz is overrated.'m just throwing a grenade out real quick you can't say wizard of oz is overrated okay i can and i did but it i mean is that because you said golden brick road and you screwed up and now it's wizard of oz's fault my faults are not on trial right now look old school movies i'm not a i'm not generally a fan of right citizen kane the best movie all time now that's overrated okay that's that's a fan of, right? Citizen Kane, the best movie of all time. Now, that's overrated. Okay.

That's a piece of garbage. The Wizard of Oz was amazing. And when you think about when they made it, I mean, shame on you, Mike. But when you think about when they made Citizen Kane, it was great, Jason. Yeah, but like Citizen Kane took nothing. You could make this. I could make that movie right now with two buddies. Well, now you could because you've already seen it.

Yeah. You already know the script. Would you rather on the show? That's a great question. I don't even know how to get the show started at this point. This is fabulous. Jason Skett set us on a trajectory of discombobulation that we have never been on before. This is episode 132, though, and I hear that episode 132, it can have some moments, some bumps in the road, the golden brick road.

Let's go ahead and jump into Would You Rather. Would you rather? You apologized with another incorrect phrase. You said, I said Golden Bricks because I forgot Golden Brick Road. That's what you did. You need to rewatch the movie is what I understand from that. Or maybe the writers need to rewatch it and realize that they're running on gold bricks. They're not alive, Mike.

There's no way. There's no way. Well, thankfully. Oh, no. Get bodied. What is happening? Wow. Gee.

Mike is living his- I'm coming out swinging in 2021, baby. Best life. Charles on Patreon mercifully has a would you rather question for us would you rather your family share one bathroom or one vehicle well yeah this is i think you have to put your kids at driving age oh really right yeah because you've got a family they all have needs they all have places to go we've got you know right now it's we're not we're not going many places but

you've got to put yourself here where you know you've got wife with the job you with the job kids got maybe a job that one's got school one's got a job you've got to go everywhere and that's a burden because obviously sharing a bathroom is a burden. This is burden on burden. If you have four kids or you have one kid, it makes each one easier to deal with. I feel like one vehicle is almost impossible if you're telling me kids are driving around. I was going to say like a lot of families have just one vehicle and it works out fine, but you're not talking about driving-aged kids.

Correct. That's why I said you've got to make it more difficult. Not only that, but let's be honest. We are phenomenal dads. And so our children are involved with everything. They're in gymnastics. They're probably leading their chess club. All sorts of different things that we've got to drive them to,

pick them up from. Did you guys ever do chess club? No. I did chess club once. What? I did one time. I was invited. We had this thing called Sage, and I guess it was, looking back now,

like the gifted course or whatever, and they had a chess club, and they invited me in, and I did it for a year. And then I said, nerds! A year. And I busted out. You said nerds after a year. So you partook with them, became one of them for an entire calendar year, and then were like, nerds!

Bye, buddies. I'll miss you like, nerds. Bye buddies. I'll miss you guys. My best friends. Oh, this is great. Yeah. I, uh,

I was in one when they had like afterschool things where you could be in like the newspaper or you could be in a chess club or you could be in. Um, but back to the question. Yes. One bathroom. That sounds like a humongous problem but one vehicle with that many kids is brutal like you really cannot do anything if somebody has the car you are stranded you are

stuck i mean with the bathroom thing i can wait a little while uh can you i have i we've got three bathrooms i go like hashtag blast we got three bathrooms over here and that's still not enough. I have, I have had times where all three bathrooms were occupied and I'm sitting outside of one just doing hail Mary's on my knees, begging that something terrible does not happen. 10 minutes later, he's sitting in the sink.

How many sinks do you got? That's what I was going to ask. Yeah. He's in the kitchen taking a ducky bath. Thankfully, we have the industrial garbage disposal. Oh, no. I knew that was coming. I'm going to vote that I would rather share one bathroom.

I'm going to do it. I feel like with a bathroom. How many sinks do you have? It's a simple answer. Here's why. With one bathroom, I can with a bathroom. How many sinks do you have? It's a simple answer. Here's why. With one bathroom, I can create a schedule for people to take their showers at least. Sure. Children love schedules.

I can. Well, look, they're not children, right? They're driving age. They're even worse. They're teenagers. They ain't listening to your schedule. But a vehicle, you can need a vehicle at any minute. If I want to go get some food, if I got to go pick something up, if it's gone, if the car's gone, it's gone.

If the bathroom's taken, I can break the door down. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, but then you got to take them off the toilet. So I'm going to take the bathroom as well. Okay, but I completely disagree with your logic. Because when you're talking about when you need this thing, the bathroom is more important than the car. Because the car, you know, what emergency do you just have to have a car right then? You know, it's like, oh, I don't leave yet. You ever been hungry before?

Yeah, cheeseburger. Well, you ever heard of Postmates? You ever heard of DoorDash? That's not an emergency. DoorDash has never solved an emergency in my life. DoorDash is, am I going to be hungry in 78 minutes from now? I ordered DoorDash just in case I'm hungry later. Well, that's what you got to do.

You got to pre-plan. You got to pre-emergency with these. Like right now, I just put it. A pre-emergency? A pre-emergency. What are you, Minority Report? That's right. I literally just put in a DoorDashemergency? A pre-emergency. Minority report? That's right. I literally just put in a DoorDash order because at some point it's going to show up and I'm

going to be starving. I'm going to be hungry. Can you Postmates like a little porta potty if you're in trouble? I don't think that you can Postmates a porta potty. But the reality, the reason why I'm taking the bathroom, the shared bathroom experience here is because I'm the worst one in the bathroom. Right? It's worse for all my family members to have to enter in after me than for me to enter in after them. But that's just when you've got that business to do.

You're not factoring in people getting ready. This is my question for you guys. i i won't be presumptuous do you have two sinks in your primary bathroom yes sir yes did you ever have to share one sink with your spouse not really not that I can remember. No. Yeah. Okay. All right. That would be a problem. Do that. Do that in the morning for three days, and then we'll have this question again. You're telling me my daughter and wife's makeup are in there? Yes.

Yes. And here's the deal. The three of us have shared a hotel room before, and that's not a pleasant time with one bathroom. No. No, it's not. This is... I'm changing my answer. I'm definitely going deep.

What an idiot. What an idiot to think that we should share a bathroom. Because, look, I've said this before. This is just, you know, it's who I am. You know, 30-minute showers. Okay, I need that pamper time. I need that me time. I might turn the bath on.

I can't have people knocking on the door. You might turn the bath on. I can't have people knocking on the door. You might turn the bath on while you're in the shower? Please tell me. Just water up to the ankles. Water's up to the ankles? No, you convert and you lay down. You go back and forth? Sometimes I have.

Yeah, I mean, look. It's me time, Mike. There's no wrong. Do you run like a freezing shower and then have the hot bath? Oh, that's something new to try. Stimulate the senses? I haven't yet, but I probably will. No, I run a hot shower and then a hot bath and then a hot shower.

He runs the hot bath so that it sounds like raindrops hitting the ocean when he's inside of there. Look, I'm not going to lie to you. If I haven't depleted the water heater, I haven't done my job. I'm not going to lie to you. gonna lie to you the water heater i haven't done my job i'm not gonna lie to you our plumber our plumber made fun of me to a friend who also uses that same plumber because i believe he said i'm i quote very american in the sense that um he told me that yeah andy you're the friend in the sense that what i requested to be put in my house was the largest water heater that could fit

after he realized my house couldn't take a tankless. The largest water heater that wasn't enough, so there was this return valve thing that basically means it's adding a little bit of cold water into the extremely hot tank. So, like, I can shower forever. It's great. But then i got made fun of yeah well based on all of that i understand why you changed your opinion mike are you going with the one vehicle or one bad i will go i will go with the one vehicle i'm sure there will be

problems that i'm not foreseeing right now but i'm just looking down the immediate nature of one bathroom i guess you can technically u Uber if you needed to get somewhere, but you couldn't Uber a bathroom. I guess you could Uber to a new bathroom. It's Uber or a bush. Those are your options. A poober. Yeah, you take the poober to the local Starbucks

and hey, check it in. There's extra surge charging for those rides. Just in case. There's extra surge charging for those rides. Oh, no. Just in case. Oh, a surge. Surge is coming. All right, Beth from Patreon.

If you were skydiving and your parachute tragically refused to open, would you rather be falling face to the sky or face to the ground? So looking up or looking down the age-old question we've all thought it i mean we've all right am i alone in this like no you're not alone everybody's thought about their shoot not opening like socrates he brought this up yes that was which way would you get a lot of skydiving back in that day now go ahead amazingly and i don't i don't know how and i don't know quality of life afterwards but i know people have survived parachute jumps where the parachute you're not

let's just say people have won the lottery jason yeah i gotta go get me a scratcher like everything happens you're you're skydiving your shoe's not gonna open all right okay yeah it's gonna be figuring out your final 30 seconds okay now technically i mean you know looking up you're gonna see the plane i guess well the thing about looking some some clouds i think the important thing about looking up is you don't know when it's gonna hit right it's it's like looking you don't think you pass out no i don't think you're gonna pass out it's just fear that's what i mean like from pure fear no you're not gonna you're not gonna you're not gonna pass out what what's gonna happen here is

you look up and don't know when it It's the equivalent of looking away from. You're just enjoying the sky. Like when I give blood, I'm a big old baby. I can't do it, and I certainly can't watch them do it. I have to look away. If I see the car crash happening in my arm, I'm ten times worse. And so that's what this is. This is look to the sky, get a beautiful vision, and then. Splat. But it will be a beautiful vision and then but splat but it will

be it will be a beautiful vision on your way down as well we've probably talked about it we've done 130 episodes of this show we've done a thousand fantasy footballers have we talked about skydiving have you been i have been you have i was gonna ask i don't think we've ever talked about it oh i did it on my my 18th birthday. I went and I did tandem skydiving. Did the chute open? The chute did open. Okay.

And skydiving, my overview, I was so excited to do it because I was a roller coaster junkie and the drop. The drop of the roller coaster, that's what I like. I don't like loops. I don't like g-forces from turns. I like the drop, and I like my stomach going up into my throat. So that's what I'm expecting. Oh, that does not happen.

That does not happen at all. I mean, it's pure fear as you stare out of the airplane, and it's really loud. And you think, wow, this is incredibly loud. And then you jump out out and then it gets louder oh really all the wind because there is so much wind and honestly you don't at least for me i didn't feel like i was falling i felt like i was just being pushed up against 100 mile an hour winds instead of that instead of that falling feeling you can't breathe out of your mouth

so in the movies when people are talking during skydiving that's all bullcrap you you have to breathe through your nose and it's very difficult at that your mouth is completely useless and my i had the old uh my face was just flopping around just jiggling and flopping everywhere but anyway so that that doesn't happen the coolest part of the skydive is definitely they hit the chute, and you've gone from that noise into just a silence that almost hurts. You know, it's so quiet. Your ears hurt, and you're floating, you know,

tens of thousands of feet in the air and you can see everything. So that part is very, very cool. And then you land. But if you're going for that thrill-seek of the stomach jump, it just didn't happen for me. Interesting. Wow.

I didn't know. You have a very good recollection and I'm surprised how early you opened that chute. Tens of thousands of feet left. That's a long chute ride down. Is it? I'm just kidding. I don't know. I assume you jump out of a planet you're probably about i think i probably jumped from like a mile so 5 280 what you described though pre-shoot says that this is not a glorious

time it's not like this wonderful i'm looking up i'm looking up i'm not like this wonderful, I'm looking up. I'm looking up. I'm not like relaxed looking at these beautiful clouds. No, it's very loud. It's loud. I'm still freaking out. So here's what I don't want to have happen. I don't want to feel what all of my bones disintegrating feels like for a millisecond. You don't want to feel the thump? No.

So I'm going heads down, eyes shut. Because look, if you're like, well, if you look up, you don't know when it's happening. I also have the technology with my eyelids to effectively do that. But then I don't think, you know, I don't think I'll know. I think you're going to feel it either way. A little bit. I think a little bit. Well, look, here's what I'm going.

I'm going type A on my jump here, okay? I'm not losing control of my seemingly some semblance of control in this situation. I have a follow-up for your type A question or answer that. Well, my thought, do you want me to finish or do you want to ask me first? Okay, well, I'll ask. So type A, you're in control. Are you going limbs out? So you're increasing your air resistance.

You are actually slowing your fall. Or are you going head down like a missile? Oh, to end it quicker. To go faster. No, I'm going as if I'm wearing a wingsuit. I think I can kind of get a little bit horizontal and save myself. I'm going to try to fly. Horizontal? a little bit horizontal and save myself. I'm going to try to... I'm going to try to... I'm going to try to fly.

Horizontal? You are going to have the most horrific end to that imaginable. I'm going to try to take a layer of skin off at a time as I land. Oh, my word. I'm going to try to go down in a field on a side because I'm going to live. You got to hit the trees. Yeah, I'm going for the trees. I'm taking control of this doom. So Jason's closing his eyes and just exploding.

I am a head down bomb. Oh, you should go full on like. Cannonball? Cannonball, yeah. The world's best. You got to aim for water. You're still going to die when you hit that water, but I'm aiming for water, preferably

a pool, like not the ocean, but someone's backyard. They're all sitting around having their Mai Tais, and right before you hit, catapult! That would be all. You just hope that they have a backyard nest cam for the service. I mean, what a great way to go out. There's no water left in that pool. Oh, no. Everyone's soaked, suckers.

Just blood. Oh. Oh, that's too good, man. Ultimate cannonball. Ultimate cannonball. Jason said about 10,000 feet searching for pools. Yeah, you're darn right. I know what I'm looking for.

Looking for the neighborhood. He just misses the pool by a couple feet. Oh, what if you hit the diving board? Oh, but then you go back. Cartoon rule says you'll be good. Yep, I think that's right. That's when you aim for the kid's trampoline, too. That's another possibility.

Yeah, rip splats. Mike, which way are you going down in this thing? Same for the kids trampoline too. That's another possibility. Rip splats. Mike, which way are you going down in this thing? I'm going face down. Okay. And Al, have you gone skydiving before? I have not. Okay.

Yeah, right. No good stories from Al. All right. We're moving on. Tony from Instagram. One year after the birth of your, I can't stop picturing him going. Cannonball. And he's wearing a swimsuit. I mean, you should go skydiving in a swimsuit just in case.

Just in case. If I skydive, I will have a swimsuit on. You have to be prepared for all things when you go skydiving. Oh, man. All right. One year after the birth of your child, you find out that the hospital accidentally switched your infant at birth. Oh, no.

Would you rather do a Swapski back for your biological child or continue raising the child that you have been raising as your own? This is way too intense for this podcast. It's so heavy. This might be the craziest question. Can we get back to cannonball deaths? I mean, Tony from IG hitting us heavy. Oh, no.

So you have raised this child who you love. Look, we've all raised three children. We know raising a one-year-old, no matter how difficult, how much sleep is lost, the love is incalculable. Just the bond, the experience, the, you know. Now, all of a sudden, you find out. And you're a kid. It's not. I got a question.

I got a bad question. Okay. Not surprised. Go on. Do I get to see the parents? Oh. Right. Like, oh, they're really tall. Wait, you're trying to make an aesthetic choice here? Do I get to see the parents? Oh, right. Like, oh, they're really tall.

Aesthetic choice here? Like, do I find out that I'm rearing, like, Christian McCaffrey's child and he's got my non-athletic genes? Wait a minute. That's going to – oh, stop it. That's not going to factor into your first year? That's not going to factor in. Hold on. I'm going to let you have it. But here's the thing. We'll let you have it. That's not going to factor into your first year. That's not going to factor in. Hold on. I'm going to let you have it.

But here's the thing. We'll let you have it. You can see the parents. You can look at their- But they see me too? They see you. But they don't get the decision. This is all your decision.

You can look at their test scores. You can see their- Can I have both kids? Oh, man. I don't think that's within the rules. Wait, can I give away both kids? Okay. The problem is I will not be able to get over the mental knowledge

that my biological child is somewhere else in the world being raised by people I do not know. I think that part will be so hard. It won't be that I... What if it's like Bill Gates? Jeff Bezos says he's got your kid. I mean, there are more things in life than bezos i mean i don't think bezos is gonna raise my children well i think his nannies will but um all right i just feel like i wouldn't want to give up the kid i have probably because of that bond but then i

wouldn't be able to live with knowing that like our biological kid this was a mistake this was something that went wrong that's true you got to fix it right you got to fix it so i would absolutely undo this and look but is there a year time that would change it jason if it was five year old child because at one year i think that jason's face is going like yeah that's the problem if it's a five-year-old five-year-old that's totally different than one year five-year-old. That's the problem. If it's a five-year-old, that's totally different than one year. Five-year-olds, you have to have both. You got to add. You just got to take on the extra child. You're stealing your kid back. Is it stealing if it's mine?

I don't know. Then they get theirs back. I mean, you don't get to choose. But if I... Yeah, at five years, I... Oh, man. At five years, I feel like the ship has sailed and I'm not trading back. I'm going to trade back. Because they're bonded with their parents.

The difference is here, and I know there's a lot that goes into this that can factor in real life, that can factor in many different ways, health, all these joke things. But I really believe in my genes, and I think that they're phenomenal. So I'm going to naturally want my boy. Like your denim jeans? You got good denim. Oh, no.

We're talking DNA, RNA. Everything I'm passing on is time-notched. He believes that his lineage is the most valuable child to have. Therefore, he should acquire it back. Which one of us named our firstborn after ourself? That would be you, Jason. That would be me because he's got great genes. Well, look, five-year-old, I just don't think I could do it.

To me, it comes down to the kid. Like at one year, obviously, they're still bonding with the parents and bonding with the parents. But that kid could get a Swapski, and we could get there. Babies are stupid. Babies are stupid. Thank you, Mike. But at five years old, I think that, I don't know,

I think that I couldn't do it. You just got to wait for a bad week. All five-year-olds have really bad weeks, and they're totally disobedient in little stretches. Well, guess what? Guess what? I'm not your father. Oh, no.

Oh, no. This question, compared to the skydiving one, back-to-back, that is a tough transition. Luckily, we're professionals, and we answered it. Mike, you haven't spoken to this. Now, is that because it's so difficult i know i did i said you wanted to give both kids away i gotta well yeah i mean if that's on the table then uh look daddy needs his rest but if if i can if i could size them up check check out what what i'm working with over here. Do I have a keeper? Is that what I hear? Do I have a keeper? Throw it back. I have a fair

and accurate assessment of who I am. I know my positives. I know my negatives. And if I'm willing to roll the dice on someone else, they better be very attractive. And what are his reading scores?

How much you bench, bro? I'm five years old. Dad is brutal. No, I'm asking the dad. I'm not asking the kid, Jason. I don't know how far. I'm not asking the baby how much they bench. I thought we were five years old still.

All right, Al, do you want to move on? Let's move on. All right, Al, do you want to move on? Let's move on. That's a great question. All right, Nikolai on Twitter says, settle a debate for my wife and I, window or aisle seat on a plane? Ain't no debate there.

Yeah, well, the problem is it's a debate, I believe, on this show because i have flown with both of you fellers multiple times and we prefer different things you two both prefer aisle seats is that correct aisle for life yes 100 i prefer window yeah i mean look if i you know Yeah, I mean, look, if I can have a nice, plush, wide, first-class seat, give me that window. But I'm a regular man. I'm flying coach, and these seats are not big enough. He's got great, look, those great jeans. He's got great jeans. Great jeans need to be in the aisle. That's a man.

Great jeans are a man of the people and my point is when you're when you're in these tiny seats and you're not a tiny man i don't care about what i'm looking at or not looking out out a window i got to spread them i've got to here's here's a little known tip that i i actually think a lot of people might not know this, that every single airplane, the armrests on the aisle will go up. There is a button somewhere on that thing. You can get it up. And when you get rid of one of your armrests, the world is your oyster and you are free to.

What about the carts coming down the aisle? You got to be watching out for carts yes yeah you are on cart watch and i like that jason is sharing this tip like i didn't share it with with him a year ago i'm i'm sharing it because it blew my mind you're stealing credit for my life hack well i was trying but now you took it back i was very rude i was set up for success here mike have you let me ask a real and let me get serious with you guys. Serious question, Jason. Have you been hit in the belly by the cart?

Well, does the sad, does the love handle count as the belly? I think you knocked snot out of my nose. Oh, man. I have not yet got to that size. I'm working on it, but I think it'll be a couple years before the belly can hit the cart. I want to know if I'm alone here, though, because, Al, you have to weigh in. Since I'm the lone window seat person here, are you a window or an aisle? I am a window.

Okay. Yeah, you're five foot two. I'm a sleeper, and I like to have something to lean against. See, I like the window is hiding. I can hide from the rest of the plane at the window. I don't have to move if someone needs to go to the bathroom. What's your number one feature of the window? Why you choose it?

Yeah, it's that. It's that I am tucked away in the corner. But what if you've got to go to the bathroom? Well, then I've got to climb over people. I don't. Yeah, well, that's why I go before. away in the it's tucked away in the corner sort of like you gotta go to the bathroom i can leave well then i've got to climb over people but i don't yeah yeah well that's why i go before look we know on this show you rarely go before the show and sometimes it causes you issues i go before my flight and uh i like that and i like orientation like i get a little motion sick and window is orientation to the way we're flying or turning, and it helps me not get sick.

Now, Al, do you know what's the reason you like the window? Sleep. I like to lean against it and go to sleep. Oh, okay, sleep. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah. I completely understand that, and to be honest, I think I would sacrifice my spread of mentality for the window seat

if I didn't snore. But I'm terrified of falling, because it's so nice to just mentality for the window seat if I didn't snore. But I'm terrified of falling. Because it's so nice to just lay against the window and have your plane ride disappear. But I'm terrified of falling asleep in a plane, which, like, planes put me out. I was going to say, for a person terrified, you do regularly fall asleep on a plane. What doesn't put you out? Cab rides, movies. A horsey? A horsey does not put me to sleep when i've been on a horse ride i bull ride absolutely i guess it's animals i think it's

exclusive to animals but when i'm on animals and machines i don't well machines i don't count planes automobiles um i don't get on that andy that would be ridiculous what about just like a good old-fashioned chair surfboard no chairs are very sleepy um no yeah I would say most things put me to sleep but an airplane specifically really gets me sleepy but I feel so bad because you're right next to someone and if I'm snoring I would want to slap someone next to me snoring let me let me bring this to a story that I remember because i was on a plane with you and you had a woman that just was so rude to you and you were just doing nothing wrong and she was so rude i couldn't remember that believe this woman i couldn't believe so look i'm

a little whiter but i'm not you but I'm not pushing four bills here. No. And so I'm already self-conscious. Four is the threshold now. The threshold bar keeps going up. I'm not 1,000 pounds. I'm only 750. There's bigger guys.

Oh my gosh, I was on this plane ride. And this woman had, i was in the middle of course the worst seat she's at the window and i am doing my best to all the things in your control and get the elbow on the inside of the armrest i am uncomfortable as it gets this entire flight now uh did you say the size of this of this uh person of of the woman yeah she was uh average size she was average size i would like below average or average or i would say slightly below average not an overweight person 65 years old rude as it gets sure okay um from birth i mean she was reading this book and every time she turned the page she huffed and puffed

like i was doing something wrong i'm not sleeping i'm trying to stay out of her area and at one point she turns to me and she says i'm sorry i've had enough and i'm like what and it was because enough of my shoulder apparent i can't change the size of my body. Like, I mean, that way. It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. She wanted you to, like, keep moving your arm, and you moved it all the way. You were, like, basically sitting with your hands in the air in the middle.

I've never in my life been more uncomfortable on a plane. That was before that moment because I was trying to be kind. She was so rude. Oh goodness. You want to know whose parachute's not going to open? That one's. To actually increase her room she could have swapped seats with you. That's true.

Yeah. How nice. Alright. Which would have just been great to see them both get up and swap i've had enough i've had enough how dare you continue you're sitting here yeah all right uh pj from patreon your newborn baby is granted one superpower oh excellent you as the parent, get to choose which power. Obedience. But you, as the parent, have to help the child learn to harness their power. Oh, that's great. What is the best and worst power to choose this question? If obedience can be a superpower, I'm on this.

It cannot, Jason. These are traditional superpowers. And this question is... Which are traditional superpowers, to be clear, are much easier to accomplish than just an obedient child. Easier for them to learn to fly is what I'm saying. If you're a super obedient child, they follow everything you say. Whatever. But imagine trying to teach a kid...

A kid that's got laser eyes. Oh. To control it? Laser eyes so that this kid at any moment could just laser eye and destroy your entire household. Over under two and a half dead neighbors. I mean, on accident. You know what I mean? And honestly, I would take the push because I think one's going to end up in half.

Well, how many dead babysitters? I mean, come on. No, you can't go laser eyes here. That's asking for trouble. You can't go claws either. Wolverine claws as a kid? You're in trouble. They ain't going to work.

Imagine your kid. Oh, fly. That kid's dead. Imagine that kid's like, I'm running away. Even super speed. They just ran away 500 feet in the air. Even super speed is, look, I mean, I assume if they're super speedy, somehow when they're running, they're tougher.

But I'd imagine, you know, runs to the middle of the road, that's not a place I want my kid. And he's accidentally like, I was just trying to go to the driveway, and now I'm in the middle of the highway. Sometimes you can lose a toddler. You're going to lose a kid with super speed quickly and they're not gonna find their way back and you can't do mind reading because as a parent I sure know that kid cannot read my mind that's that's off the table so what superpower if you didn't have one oh man you sure mind reading

is not better because maybe kids just don't. It's the communication problem. Maybe they would understand what we want a little bit better. They're both shaking their head no. No, because they won't understand it the way that you are thinking it. When they see me crying inside my head at their lack of doing anything I ask them to do, that won't give them sympathy? Empathy? I think they won't see you crying inside of your head.

I think they'll see you saying terrible, bad, mean things about them. Wait, I'm not your father. I was about to go x-ray vision. You're going to hide the switch? No, you're not. Yeah, that would be a problem. I was about to go x-ray vision but then, yeah, that's...

That's... I mean, come on, man. What superpower doesn't get us parents in trouble here? Is there a superpower where kids just don't get sick? Regeneration? I'd be down for that. Wolverine can't get sick. I hate kids getting sick.

I hate, as the dad, having to worry about them. That's the worst thing on this earth over the last 15 years is sick kids for me. But then when your kid is 25, they're going to be like, hold on. You could have given me any superpower and you're just like healthy? I don't know. It seems like a good thing right now. Like right now seems like a time they'd be thanking me in this country. I don't even know if I'd go as kind as regeneration.

I was thinking just super strength, but not in the way of like you can lift a car, but in the like unbreakable sense, the movie Unbreakable, where it's like you just you just are unbreakable. You could get in a car crash. But he was also stronger. Yeah, but he's not like throwing, you know, super strength superhero throwing people around. Pretty sure he was like benching 300 or something. I mean, that's really strong.

I don't know if that's super. Oh, Jason. I'm not saying I could, but I'm saying there are people. I'm over here scoffing at the idea of benching 300 pounds. There are people who can do it, is my point. Super strength is something people can't do. Benching a tanker, an an oil rig that's that's super strength could you teach a child to harness super strength i mean yeah you can teach them to harness

anything it's just the the bumps and the bruises you're gonna have to go through of a child with a child's mind of when they flash into rage and they're upset with you and they have super strength. Even if they're not. I mean, I loved wrestling with my boys. You know what I mean? We always wrestle, and I don't want to lose. You know?

I got to put them in their place. So I'm going to go with the regeneration. I think that's the right call. Okay. All right. Now, Al, do we have time for another great question you want to get to the draft uh let's go one more okay owen from the website what fictional restaurant or place to dine would you want to visit and eat at oh man from any movie or tv show now i'm gonna go with

first thing that popped in my head okay the. The Future Cafe from Back to the Future 2. Oh, Back to the Future 2, where he gets a... Give me a Pepsi Free. Give me the Pepsi Free and the robot. That is one of the most iconic little restaurant things that I could think of right away. Okay. Off the top of my head,

the first thing I thought of, honestly, I don't know the names of the places, but if you have seen a goofy movie there is a there's a scene where they're at a motel and they are eating pizza and this is the cheesiest looking pizza you want the food inside of this place this is cartoon pizza yes this is cartoon pizza but but you can see it and you go that would be an amazing it's an amazing pizza it's like the the teenage mutant ninja turtles they're oh yeah cheese on their pizza was always like why can't i get cheese like that but when it comes to just i actually i have to actually know where

i'm gonna go i mean now people would say like the cheers bar people would say, like, the Cheers Bar. People would say, like, Central Perk from Friends. See, to me, it was the Max from Saved by the Bell. Yeah, that's my answer. That was my answer, was the Max. Because it's one of those, like... How many cool people are there? I'm racking my brain thinking about special restaurants, you know, places that they eat in movies and TV.

I can't come up with much. But the only thing that I thought of was, like, you know, we grew up on Saved by the Bell, and they were there every day. And there's like cool stuff happening and bright colors. I just want to experience some nostalgia firsthand. I would do the Seinfeld restaurant too. The little diner? Yeah, the Monk's Restaurant or Monk's Cafe, whatever it's called.

Did Harry Potter have any? Yeah, Three Monk's Restaurant or Monk's Cafe, whatever it's called. Did Harry Potter have any? Yeah, three broomsticks. Oh, my gosh. Totally changing my answer. The three broomsticks. Oh, my goodness. Get me a butterbeer? Heck, yeah.

All right. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. I am very excited about this draft. I thought it was a very unique and interesting idea. And I am terrified. And Jason has the first pick.

And it is a draft of songs that we would play to scare off an intruder. Okay. So an intruder, a bad guy, breaks into the house, and a music song comes on. A song comes on, and you're hoping that this runs them off. Got to scare them away. I said this with the scat, but with the number one pick, I'm taking the worst music possible, the one that if they're going to be robbing my place,

they're going to have to listen to Photograph from Nickelback. Look at this ground. Oh, would that be a way for them to instantly think that you have nothing of value potentially? I have nothing of value. I don't want to be there for this. I'll go to the neighbor's house.

He's probably not playing Nickelback. Oh my gosh gosh it reflects on you more than it does anything else though it does but it's it's protective so i i'm willing to i'm willing to take the shot to my brand in that moment of playing a nickelback song to secure my television and my loved ones in the house so uh that's where i'm going i'm i'm saying interesting come on in look at this i'm glad you guys are setting the tone because i i didn't know how to take this one so jason you went with annoyance i am going to annoy them right out of my house but i have other i mean not all my

options are annoyances okay yeah i and my first one my first pick is not going to be annoyance i have some annoyance picks as well. I have some things that I want this intruder to think about me or about what he might be in for. But my first song I'm actually going to go with is I'm going to play the Jaws song. It's the Jaws. I want this intruder thinking that at a very short period of time,

something is going to be attacking him. Possibly a shark. It's a countdown. It's a countdown. You don't want to find out what happens at the end of that song. And then you're running. And then it's the back. And he's gone.

That's right. So I'm going Jaws theme. I'm very happy to get that with the first pick. I like that. That is an excellent pick. So in mine, I have mostly annoying songs. And then I have my own technique that I had thought of. All right.

Okay. I can't wait. Mike, is this a lack of confidence in your idea here? There is 0% confidence going into this draft. There's one I think you might take here that I really don't want you to take. I really doubt it. All right. Okay, let's see.

All right. So in terms of annoying songs, I am going to go with something. Jason. And you get two picks. I do. I do. But Jason, have you heard? Have I heard?

That bird is the word? Bird, bird, bird. Bird, bird, bird. Bird is the word. Not a bird, bird, bird. What? Just to disorient them? Look, it's really fast.

There's a lot of language going on. And it's just an obnoxious song. So I am hoping that at a certain decibel level, bird is the word will convince the attacker to leave. I love that pick. That's a great pick. Taking something that is asinine and ridiculous and just hitting them over the head with it.

And turning the volume up is a great concept but are you telling me you think that that is the most obnoxious no but I'm thinking there's obnoxious songs that you could play I feel like that one is

frantic it's not just annoying it's also frantic it is frantic the pace yeah that's a great one. So this one, now, so unfortunately, I believe that when we post this, the topic will be to scare an attacker away. But I'm going with a different direction here. I'm not going to go with scary. I'm going to go with caring.

Fellas. Oh, you're going gonna try to convert this intro i am gonna play hey jude by the beatles because by the end of this song it gets into it gets into the greatest sing-along moment in the entire history of music and when this plays, when that is playing, when that is playing over the airwaves, you have no choice but to stop everything that you are doing. Are you singing with the intruder? And just sing. Oh, I got my arm around them.

We're becoming pals. And then they just leave. I genuinely think that they will have the best burglary experience of their life. They will really enjoy it. I mean, it's not even work to take that TV down because they're having a whole sing-along party. Thank you.

I mean, at least make it nice for them. That's a way to inspire if he doesn't convert them. All right, I'm'm gonna go with uh uh all right i've got some different choices here uh look what what's one of the best ways like if you said right now today what's the best way to detract an intruder give me some answers detract and into yeah how do you get somebody that doesn't even want to look they come up to your house what what's a way to get an intruder to stay away i think i know where you're going here uh electricity alarm system is one but i'm not going there what's another thing that's a detraction it could be an animal could be a big old dog yeah which means i'm gonna draft dmx

x gonna give it to you he's gonna bark at him He's gonna bark at the intruder Over and over and he's gonna run away I thought you were gonna let the dogs out Yeah I did You're making so much better No I'm going DMX Oh my gosh I thought for sure I mean on my list

One of the songs I wanted the most Was Was who let the dogs out no i get it that was i thought about it but look i need a guy that's actually barking i need some active barking in this in the song and that's dmx is good for some active yeah barking all right he's going running okay with it all right so you've got your home security system, your dog deterrence. But what happens when they're already there, Andy? Who do you call when you've had a break-in? Not when ghosts are there.

Oh, the police. Yeah, you call the police. So I'm going with one of their songs. I'm calling the police with every breath you take. Because when this song comes on... Wait, you need them to recognize that it's the police? No, I don't need them to recognize. Do you know the lyrics?

Of course you know the. Every breath you take. Do you know what that song is about? I do, but listen. Every step you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you. You come in my house and all of a sudden I'm you, everything you're doing, I'm watching you. That song is, first of all, super creepy. I know it's like this lovey-dovey song, but it's...

No, it's not. Well, then I don't know what it's about, but I know what it's going to do here. I know Sting may or may not keep people away. It was intentionally written to be creepy. It's written from the perspective of a stalker. Oh, that's exactly what it's about. intentionally written to be creepy. It's written from the perspective of a stalker. That's exactly what it sounds like. People, when they hear it, they're like,

it's one of the best love songs of all time, except it was not. That makes so much more sense. That's basically what I thought it was about because that is the creepiest. Everything you're doing, I'm going to be watching you. I think that's pretty clever. You break into my house and all of a sudden that song comes on, you're doing I'm going to be watching you I think that's pretty clever you break into my house

and all of a sudden that song comes on you're going where's the cameras that's pretty clever Jason I approve you got another pick now I'm going to go hybrid I'm sticking with my police but I'm also sticking with Andy's Jaws type of theme

of scaring them because the bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do? What you gonna do? What they come for? I mean, you're out of that house, right? Oh, that's pretty good, man. That means the police are coming.

The cops theme, I hadn't thought about that one. That's pretty funny. That's a really good one. What you gonna do when they come for you? And it was 100 was 100 100 my idea my wife never brought this up she never helped me at all uh 100 jason more special all right just stuck with more special and you still would have been telling the truth oh i but i'd want full credit all right i uh like your airplane trick yes

i i'm gonna go disorientation here i'm gonna i'm gonna it's a little bit of a bird is the word type of i want to disorient you i want you to be a little bit confused at what you might find in each room as you try to rob me all right so i'm gonna Girl. Okay. Okay. At a high volume. I think that that would disorient. You considered Barbie Girl. I considered it as well. Yeah. How funny that we would all think of that song as a disorienting song.

It's disorienting, but I worry that it's also encouraging. I mean, here's this Barbie girl in a Barbie world. She's got all of these nice things. All material things. She's a material girl, and you're not scared away by a Barbie girl. I like that song. What are you going to do about it? It's fine.

Some bad songs are still bangers. That's right. Thank you, Jason. I thought about it, but I was really worried it would encourage them to enter my home and steal everything. Okay. All right. Jason, or sorry, Mike is picking. He has Bird is the Word.

Yes. He has Hey Jude, and he has his final two picks right now. All right. So I have my final two songs. I know what the picks are. Pick number one, I have a little bit of trouble describing it because I know what the official name of the song is, but I am describing the cover, and I don't know that people know the cover by the

proper name. What a setup! I want to get it all out through the explanation. That will make sense when I reveal it. But it's another disorienting song. It's got a good dance vibe to it. It's very strange, and it became

an internet sensation. it was he man singing the the hey ya song and i said so i don't even know if i've heard that oh What's going on? Oh, yes, you definitely have. If you haven't heard it, you've seen He-Man dancing and singing that song. Okay, all right, all right. But the OG is What's Up by Four Non-Blondes, but people aren't going to know He-Man. I believe they're just going to call it He-Man.

The He-Man version of it. He-Man, I said, hey. I don't know. We can figure that out. What's going on? Okay, that sounds frightening. It will disorient. It will disorient. It will disorient.

All right. I like it. All right. And then with my last pick, I'm going with this is more of Andy's first pick. I got a slow burn. Okay. Because I am playing the most gangster song of all time. And there is, in fact, a moment of the song where I jump out of the shadows and I beat you with a crescendo drum fill that is in time.

And you know exactly when it's going to happen because I'm going, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Because I'm coming. I'm hitting them within the air tonight by Phil Collins. So they know exactly when their death is coming. Oh, my gosh. Well, look, two drumsticks. That's what you need.

I'm going to have two mallets. Oh, that's good. That's good. That's funny. I can't ever hear that song without thinking of Mike Tyson strumming along to that from The Hangover. And that will, you know, look, if you're getting the image of Mike Tyson in your head.

That's what you want. That's exactly right. I tell you what, fellas, the image of Mike Tyson in your head, you know how it works, too. That's exactly right. I tell you what, fellas, the next time you go driving at night, just put that song on. Put your windows down and put that song on, and you will have never felt so alive in your entire life. It is incredible. All right, I have my final pick.

I have the Jaws theme. I have DMX scaring you off i've got i've got barbie girl and here this one is a little different i want this intruder to understand very quickly that uh look he may be in a house that he should be afraid to be in the house of so i'm going to pick the song that I associate the most with the Vietnam War, which is Credence Clearwater Revival's Fortunate Song. Because I want you to think that you are in the house of a... There you go.

I want them to think that there's a Vietnam veteran... A pocket punch now, right? Yes, about to attack them as though the Vietnam helicopter is coming in. So I will go with that. I thought you were going to go in the end. Or this is the end. There are lots of iconic Vietnam War songs, but that's the one that's popped

into my head. So I want you afraid for your life. I don't know if I know that one. You ready for some Agent Orange? I feel like we should have gone just with like Halloween theme tracks, you know, the scary music. That's how you get killed when they break in, though. Yeah, it kind of riles them up.

She's got a great point. Riles them up. I want them to feel like they made a mistake. Yeah. I don't want them to be scared. I want them to think, oh, okay, they think they're getting me. Instead, they're the ones getting got. The Freeze Company theme song.

Pretty close. Not too far off, but we've all been there. We've all been there where we think we're finding something fun, and then all of a sudden we realize we got got. Because we got Rickrolled.

Oh yeah, baby. Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down. Rick Astley. And they're going to be in my house going, oh. I got Rick rolled. I got got. And they're going to walk out with their tail tucked between their legs.

That's a good one. That's a good one. Your picks are great, Jason. Nobody picked Smash Mouth mouth which would have run anybody off i think but i think we did pretty pretty good here yeah i got i got most of the ones i wanted um i did have uh believe it or not i had oasis's do you know what i mean on here because the song starts with a helicopter and i was like that could be scary okay i had a bunch of annoying songs we didn't get to, which Mike went kind of that route.

Here's some I'll throw into that bucket. I've got Baby Shark. Oh, yeah. Cotton Eye Joe. And I've got Friday from Rebecca Black. It's Friday. Friday. Okay.

Those were my annoyance. I think your rendition of Friday might be even worse than hers. That little snippet was worse. All right. I think that'll do it. What did we learn today? I can honestly say I learned two things from Mike. One, that he's been skydiving.

And two, that it's very loud. Yeah, that was cool. I also learned something from Mike that it is not the yellow brick road. It is the golden brick road. And all this time, I was way off. Mistaken. Oh, my goodness. Well, I don't know if I learned anything.

I was just doling out incredible knowledge this entire time. You learned that you're a genius. A seasoned educator. Alright. That'll do it for today's episode of the show. Thank you for supporting us. You can find us on Instagram.

Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. It's good to know Jason's doing an ultimate cannonball. Take care, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Is this microphone off?

Is the show over? Is it done? Yeah. Is this off? Hello? No, we're done. Oh, gosh. I'm so tired.

Al, you stopped recording, right? Hello? Okay. Thank you. Thank goodness. God. That episode sucked. Oh, gosh. i don't want to do this anymore no i was this is i'm i'm ready to walk away from you two whoever is how do we get rid of all the

spit wads well that's the only that's the only thing i still want to be part of okay i don't want to do that the only way i'm staying on this show is if people go to spitballerspod.com and they're like all right i want to be a spitwad. And they click become a spitwad. Then maybe I'll stay on the show. That's it. That's the only way? So this is the final episode.

I don't know how we're going to get that information to people. But maybe next episode we can talk. We could record it. But I thought it was the last one. Well, sure. That's what I'm saying. If people don't go right now, then this show's over. I'm just glad it's done.

All right. I'm out of here. Goodbye.