Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 135: Passive Gas & The Best Fruit Candies - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

Dragon slayer, dragon rider, or dragon? Choose your adventure! We also talk about tracking our gas emissions, network sitcoms, and some out of this world news stories. We close this episode down with a delicious draft of the best fruit candies. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

We're going to get right back to the show, but I want to thank today's sponsor, IPVanish. IPVanish is a virtual private network, a VPN for short, if you're the uninitiated. A VPN is a super important tool. It helps you browse the internet safely. You know that feeling when you're sitting at the computer and you know someone's looking over your shoulder, staring at what you're doing, looking at your screen. It's the worst, man. It feels like a big invasion of your privacy.

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and that's with more than 6,000 reviews. Show these guys some love. Remember, it's IPVanish.com slash ballers to get the deal and start protecting yourself online. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's the worst. It was the worst one I've ever heard.

I'm going to be honest with you. I felt really good at the beginning. And when you're going the miles per hour that I was headed. How many miles per hour was that? It was 182 miles per hour. And the wheels, one of the wheels comes off just one that's all you need when you're traveling at that rate of a speed okay and a wheel comes off and this was no back wheel this was a front passenger uh wheel that came off and i i went off the cliff clara's clara's in the ravine my friends That was the worst scat. That was the equivalent of projectile vomiting a scat.

I will say this. I don't know because we're remote recording, and the internet does funny compression stuff to the audio. So I saw Jason's face doing things, but it just sounded like this. Squeak. Tick. Ack. I heard fragments of it so i have my local

recording heard the exact same thing mike so yeah i think that's what i think that was the actual scat i think the scat you heard was the scat that was i'm on it's like i don't know i think i heard a lifesavers is that is that accurate uh sometimes there's hot streaks and sometimes there's cold streaks i'm on uh i'm on a two run cold streak of sometimes there's a bearish markets bullish markets it doesn't go up all the time sometimes you got to go down before the stock can go up welcome in to the show the spitballers podcast andy holloway, Jason Moore, Mike the Fantasy Hitman, right? At SpitballersPod on Twitter. Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod if you want to follow us over there.

Today's segments we have Would You Rather? Is this real life in a deliciously colorful draft for you? Very excited. Appreciate everybody leaving their reviews. My personal favorite, I've realized what my favorite reviews are my favorite reviews are the ones that come through where because they listen to the show they're unable to function in some normal way of life yes they're either not able to function at work because people look at them funny they they can't put their makeup on because we'll ruin their makeup because they're crying or you don't want to listen to this at school no no best case scenario you're

working out and there's an injury i mean at that point in time we know we've done our job yeah there should be like a don't operate heavy machinery warning label uh but the truth is those like we like andy is sharing those are what we really look forward to. We look forward to the catastrophes and the accidents. Have you knocked down a building while listening to the Spitballers podcast? We'll feature you. Yes, that's what I'm getting at. I want you to attempt some dangerous stuff and see if you can hold it together on today's show. That's the next like.

Al Borland is concerned. Al, are you doing all right there? I am fantastic. Is that for disclaimer purposes? You just want to make sure we don't get sued? Yes, sir. My job to regulate our liability. Nobody's been sued for being too funny.

That's never happened before. Yeah, but nobody's ever knocked down a building by being too funny. Yeah, that's on Mike. That's Mike directly. Have you ever crashed a public bus because we were so hilarious? Oh, no. Oh, no. I want the tightrope walker.

I want the next big going from one building to the next. The next tightrope walker doing their big national thing, the hook that they have to go with is I will listen to the Spitballers podcast while being between these buildings that that that's what we need I want a guy who swims with sharks to be listening to this under the water a lawyer commercial were you injured jumping 20 cars on a motorcycle while listening to the spitballers podcast call learner in row oh it is the best uh the best we get. So thank you so much for leaving them on Apple Podcasts, supporting the show, subscribing.

Let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather? Would you rather question from Simon off the website. Would you rather be roommates with... Did he say? No, I know what you're... What? That was rough.

That was terrible. Terrible. Would you rather be roommates with Dwight Schrute or Sheldon Cooper? Now, I ain't never seen that show. I have to preface this with I have watched, and I get it. When you talk about it, people get really angry. I think I've seen two or three seasons of The Office,

so I at least understand the question of Dwight Schrute. Sheldon Cooper is now. That's the Big Bang. That's Big Bang, right? Yes. People watch that show? I've never watched that show. This is an irrelevant question.

Here's what blows my mind. We can talk about a whole different topic. People watch it. I know they do. No, you're told people do. And here's what I want to talk about. I want to talk about CBS. Okay, because we watch football.

That's part of our full-time jobs is you know being fantasy football analysts on the side um to this and whenever I'm watching these live games on CBS they always have these shows number one watched millions and I'm like that's a lie there's no way that these shows on CBS are the number one watched shows. There's zero chance. They're using some crazy metric where it's like the number one watched show. You've got to look for some small fine print there. Who watches CBS television shows right now?

Mike, you're telling me there are warehouses full of people where they're all forced to tune in to CBS. No one's watching. are warehouses full of people where they're all forced to tune into cbs no one's watching it's it's just a building in alaska where there are hundreds of thousands of tvs tuned into cbs are they all tube tvs they have to be right oh yeah they are the backs yeah only turn dial to get this thing on it makes the when it powers up look i this question is an impossible one this one's more just a discussion on that show. I know I've talked to people that like that show and have watched it. Are we too old?

Probably. Did you defriend them immediately? There's no way we're too old. We don't watch network sitcoms. What's the last network sitcom you've watched? Oh, man. Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Yeah, that might be it.

That show's great. And Parks and Rec, Office, Community, those were all. It's not that far. Is anyone watching a show right now? A network sitcom. Is anyone watching any right now? Network? No.

No. What year is it? So somebody watches network sitcoms. Somebody has to. Maybe that's it. The bar has just gotten so low. To be the number one, you just need like 12 people watching. Like, once again, we are the number one.

People watch Big Bang in droves. There was 14 this week. Easily doubling number two. Boy, that. We pulled in a baker's dozen this week, fellas. I'll go with Dwight Schrrewt the only one i know yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna go with dwight shrewt as well because the one thing i know is that jim while being annoyed by dwight shrewt jim has a lot of fun with and at the expense of dwight shrewt so i i will happily play jim here the things I know about Sheldon are all from commercials.

I believe there is a Bazinga. Am I accurate on that? We're shrugging our shoulders. I believe that is correct. And I know that there are commercials for a younger version of him where he's young Sheldon. He seems even less. Oh, that's tied into it? Young Sheldon's tied into that?

Yes. Yes. Yes. This is how much people love this character. I think, right? I did not know they were connected. Jason, it's connected, right? I can only assume because there's only two

Sheldons that I've ever heard of. One is in Big Bang and one is in Young Sheldon. This is ridiculous. I don't know. This is ridiculous. All I know is it was supposed to be a smart person show. I watched one episode and it was like, okay, they have no idea what they're talking about. This is really stupid. Oh, man, you are bodying some network TV today.

Sorry. They need to be body. It's too dumb. Look, first of all, we're going to get so much trash for this based on the ratings. We're going to get so much trash for this segment. All 12 of them. They're coming after us. All 12 people are going to unfollow us on Twitter.

Yeah. so much trash for all 12 of them yeah all 12 people are gonna unfollow us on twitter uh yeah i mean what's amazing to me is any time yes okay owl has it is a spinoff yeah that show was watched by so many dozens of people that they made a prequel for it what is happening but what you know what that was there's another show the one that had two and a half men you remember that oh yeah yeah that sounds like a cbs show that oh that was that was definitely cbs that was the previous one of this and it was i was told that they make millions per episode and it's the most popular show on on in the world that show i actually did tune in once or twice okay so did it this is not for me i am always amazed at like when you have the successful real sitcom that we know of. Like so Seinfeld, whatever.

Back when TV was actually good. Friends was a popular sitcom, right? We are old curmudgeons. Dang, we are. This isn't being old curmudgeony. We're new hotness. We're on. We've cut the cables

yeah we're right in between uh we we don't watch youtube all day long so we're somewhere in between but those shows the amount of money they make in syndication the rest of their lives and the fact that they could turn the dial at any moment like if tomorrow friends wanted to come back for a season do you know how much money they would make? Oh, Netflix would pay them a kajillion dollars to come back. Just to come back and do one season? You can turn a money dial anytime you want. I did a quick Google most popular network sitcom, so Brooklyn Nine-Nine did come up as number one.

Then there was The Neighborhood, Man with a Plan, Superstore. Look, I've seen a thousand commercials for Superstore. I've never met someone in my life who's watched that show. Have you guys ever watched Superstore? What if they start playing the shows in the commercials and you don't actually, the show never comes out. You just get like one minute of the show at a time. You finish the plot by the time.

Are they counting that? Are they counting that towards ratings? Is that what CBS is doing? The most watched commercials ever. Because I watch all the football games. All right, I'll move on. they counting that towards ratings is that what cbs is doing most watched commercials ever because i watch all the football games all right i'll move on brayden from patreon would you rather get one cent every time you blinked okay or 100 blinkety blink every time you fart come on oh come on that's way too much you gotta lower that you gotta. Yeah, that's not a fair threshold for me because I can just let

them rip. Can you? Jason's on it. No, seriously. I know we make the joke that you're on command with the farts, but if you had an hour, how much money would you make? That's all I want to know. An hour. And this is my goal? Yeah.

Yes, it's your goal. I could make two grand. Yeah, that sounds about right. I think two grand sounds healthy. You could get some PEDs. So in an hour, you can make two grand. So you blink 14,400 to 19,200 times a day. Wait, is that information?

How many times does a human blink? That's information, yes. That's what I just said. So what did you say, like 15,000? I would would call it 16 000 times a day on average for the blink for the blink that's only 100 for jason that's only 160 dollars oh you don't have to do any work and i right but i but you just gotta fart twice a day work cutting off a hot toot is a work now that's a pleasure yeah i don't have to do any work. Now, not only is it relieving, but it's maximizing my...

I'm working for my family here. I am bettering the education of my children because I ate Chipotle. I'm going to give you 10 cents every blink. 10 cents a blink would get you $1,600 a day. You got to drop it. You got to go 10 cents per blink.

You're going to fart 16 times per day? Because you got... What if you forget to commit? Like, I know I don't fart 16 times a day. What kind of farts are you having where you could just forget a fart away? No, Mike, how many times a day do you fart on average? I honestly...

I don't know. 16 or less. Probably less. Probably? I'm going to take the over for myself. Well, we'll take the over for you. But I mean, you got to change these prices. You got to go $0.10 a plane.

That's what I did. Or $10 a fart. Well, in that case, it's easy. I'm going to make $1,600 passive income a day if i'm blinking at 10 cents each this is i'm still i'm still stuck on this how are you telling me that that your farts are not passive it's called passing gas it's passive passive gas passive money that's not called passing gas because it's passive it's chasing from the inside to the outside it's not called passive gas mike i mean nice try but i gotta hold you accountable there here's here's my

commitment here's my commitment to the show i'm gonna make a commitment and and i will you're gonna keep a log i'm gonna try to keep a log i'm going not none of the logs uh but i'm gonna try to count and keep a number for the next show this is gonna be hard oh no way but i'm gonna try i'm going to try fart log i'm not gonna write it down but i'm gonna try i'm going to try a fart log i'm not gonna write it down but i'm just gonna remember the number and every day one of those little clickers in your hand i'm gonna have a little clicker like that they you know when someone comes in the store they click another person i'm ordering one of those right now i think it's a worthwhile investment so you want to know whether you're over 16 a day. I have to be over 16.

You might be over 16 an hour. That's what I was going to say. If I get going on a stretch. If I get going on a run. I'm warming up. Look, Al Borland can confirm this. We've been around each other enough on vacations where when I get going, watch out, people. All right. Hot roller tonight.

Yeah. Well, I just look. Here's the thing. Papa needs a new pair of shoes. It would change the equation when you're back in company. You're with people, and sometimes you might wait, and maybe you don't get that money back is what I'm saying. Yeah, you consolidate.

You have to make that decision. You've just lost hundreds of dollars because instead of multiples, you've just consolidated into one. Yeah. You're going to have to be free. All right. Okay. All right.

My metal hand tally counter, four digits, I hope four digits is enough, should arrive tomorrow. You hope four digits is enough. You're going to put it in your pocket, and you're going to click it every time. That's right. And we're going to get a total. Yes.

Oh, unbelievable. This is great. All right. Carrie from Twitter, would you rather be a dragon slayer, a dragon rider? I see it in Andy's you rather be a dragon slayer, a dragon rider? I see it in Andy's face. Or a dragon? I told him.

I read through the questions, and I said, there is a question in here that I am so excited to answer. And Andy's face perked up immediately. Immediately. Is this because of our story? Yes, of course. I wasn't necessarily going to bring up our story which is is triumphant um but it's it's for such a small section that most of our audience would not get it but what we do get is would you rather be the one or do you want to be in reign

of fire you want to be matthew mcconaughey slaying the dragon, a dragon rider, which, I mean, like Game of Thrones style. Like Hiccup. Yeah, you're a Targaryen. You're Hiccup. Sure, you're Hiccup. Yes, yes. Or you get to be the dragon. Now, see, I think being the dragon.

This is a hard question. Being the dragon is, I'm going to say, it's a lonely existence. the dragon is i'm going to say it's a lonely existence you are i'm gonna i yeah i agree with that you are someone who can morph into a dragon oh bro i mean that's that makes it yeah that does make it too does it let's leave it because if you're a lonely dragon but you look more if you morph into a dragon and you're flying around burning eight and people's villages, they're not going to be very happy about it. People are going to be coming after you.

But they're not going to. You can get away if you can morph. You could be like, just fly around the corner and then be like, where'd that dragon go? Or I saw him fly that way. You could always eat the people, too, if they were giving you bits. Sure, you could. I mean, there's nothing. That's what dragons

do if i could morph i'm definitely a dragon so i think i think we gotta we gotta have the ups and the downs of being a dragon you don't just get all the pros and none of the cons um a dragon rider means you're friends with that dragon yeah you ever read you ever read aragorn the book no i don't do reading that was a movie too right they eventually made a movie too yeah what was the wait what was the one where sean connery was the dragon heart yeah i am the last one did you see dragon heart i'm sure i did i don't remember it but yeah that was when cgi was just getting beta tested it was so bad i mean I mean, I remember, yeah, exactly what Andy's saying. It was like, CGI is coming in more and more into movies, but it's not good enough to be realistic,

so you just cringe every time that the main character is on the screen. It's also Sean Connery as a dragon. I can't think of a worse voice. I am the last one. It's like, it's me. Name's Dragon. I know which one I don't want to be. D-Dragon.

Her name's Dragon. I know which one I don't want to be. I don't want to be a dragon slayer. Get off my lawn. Because I feel like there's a good- Dragon slayer, you get, okay, here's the thing. You're heralded. That's what you get.

You're heralded. You get eaten. I'm going to lose. No, you slay the dragon. It's not dragon food. You're dragon slayer. You are a hero. You get eaten. I'm going to lose. It's not dragon food. You're dragon slayer. You are a hero. You have a really good chance.

You have a high probability of killing dragons. And if you lived in a world where there were dragons actually flying around, a dragon slayer is going to be among the top dragon slayers. Let's say I have a 90 chance of victory i ain't taking that 10 chance of death are you kidding me no way defaming the fortune to be a dragon slayer for a minute until you're dead i'm definitely riding the dragon that's my final answer i think i would be the dragon rider as well i'm friends with a dragon. I get the benefit of flying where I want to go. He'll probably defend me. I'm on a dragon ride.

How fast are your commutes? You know what I mean? It's like having your own helicopter. Except you can land anywhere. Yeah. I'd like to land there, dragon. Exactly. Burns it open.

And you'd be the coolest. You get a nice new car and everyone's heads are turning like, oh, man. Oh, you're driving a. What's that, a 98 Corvette? Oh, that's pretty cool. Have you seen my dragon? Have you seen my dragon? He can blow fire. But here, we got to stop.

How much fire does your Corvette blow? We got to stop for a minute because I know you guys are worried your story might not be that great for people. I can tell you as an innocent third party who has never participated, your story is amazing. Okay. Mike and I used to play a massive multiplayer online role-playing game. People know the game, Andy. Called World of Warcraft. player online role-playing people know the game andy called world of warcraft back and so mike and i we spent this is back when we decided to try to rekindle our love for this game as we worked

at jason's old company we both started playing we spent like two weeks and all we were trying to do was get this dragon mount where you could carry you turn into the dragon and you could carry somebody on your back that's all we wanted this was the hardest thing to get and we we spent real life we spent real money trying to get this thing so that in a video game we could turn into a dragon exactly that's what that's how cool what did you do with this amazing power so obviously once you become a dragon, you need to use and harness that power for good. Or. Or. So what we did is this game, there are a lot of new players that joined the game

and they're in new starting areas and they're brand new innocent little players. And Mike and I, both as dragons, we flew to those new lands and we wanted to welcome the new players to the game. And so what we did, and new players, they can't turn into a dragon. They don't have a mount. They can't even get around.

Of course they can't turn into dragons. We are all powerful beings in the world of Warcraft. All they can do is walk around. So we came up with a little business. We were the dragon riders. Or I'm sorry, dragon, what are we called? Taxis, dragon taxis.

So we said we would give these new players free rides on our backs. Cause we were dragons. Now here was the catch. We'd pick them up and they'd be real excited. They'd be like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're doing this. This is so cool.

And they, they forgot the Cardinal rule of life. Nothing is free. Nothing. Everything has a cost. can't believe you're doing this this is so cool and they forgot the cardinal rule of life nothing is free nothing everything has a cost and essentially once we got them up in the air where they were helpless we would fly over very dangerous parts of this world and then we would drop them hold on the best part to me is that i would in the chat start proclaiming oh no something has gone wrong i'm going down we're going down thank you for flying air dragon and you would we would always thank them at the end and say thank you for your business after we drop them into the top of

all volcano all you would do is take all these players from one side of the map to the other and drop them to their deaths halfway through for your own amusement. And that is what video games are made for. We laughed more at doing that than I think I can. That's the hardest I think I've laughed in my life. So it was a spectacular time and we are awful people. All right. Let's move on to our next segment spit wads we want to thank majuri for supporting today's show look valentine's day it's on the

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You got to check them out is this real life all right another uh another segment of the is this real life and we each have a story from the real world. The other two have not even heard it. We're going to share it with one another and surprise each other with what's happening in the world today. And I can tell you I am so excited about my story. Well, kick it off, my man. Because I saw my story in a show. It was science fiction.

It was pretend. It was in an episode of Black Mirror. Okay. Either of you ever watched that show? I've seen a handful of episodes. I've seen a few seasons of it, yeah. So generally, Black Mirror covers science fiction types of futurism and technology that isn't... It doesn't go well.

Yeah, and something goes wrong. It doesn't generally go well. And something doesn't really go well. Much like thinking you got a free ride on a dragon. Never trust a dragon. Never trust a dragon in a video game. Microsoft patent shows plans to revive dead loved ones as chat bots. No. Now,ots. No. Now, I... Okay, I know the episode you're talking about.

No. Microsoft has been granted a patent that would allow the company to make chatbots using the personal information of deceased people. Now, let me fill this in for you and the implications I want to talk about. Because we have machine learning. That's available now.

Algorithms and computer machine learning systems that can take information and do better than a human can on compiling it and putting it together. The concept is that you would feed a computer information. We've done podcasts for five years. You feed the computer all of the voice lines that Mike has ever said. You feed the computer every picture of Mike that he's ever taken. You feed the computer every interest that Mike has ever had, every note he's ever written, every school assignment he's ever done. You fill in the gaps and the computer builds a completely ai version of mike that a person can then when mike's gone look this sounds rad i'm all horrifying when mike's gone you can interact with mike again i will never die and you can and here's the thing

did you guys ever hear about um kanye west what he gave kim kardashian for her birthday the the hologram of her father the hologram of her father who had been two bucks style who's deceased yes and it was a three minute hologram that spoke they had they had replicated the voice it was a message that he made for her about her becoming a mom and raising the kids and what a wonderful entrepreneur she was but we are getting to the point with technology now this is not good now i'm not saying it's good this is not good but this is they even included in the patent the notion of 2d or 3d models of the specific people being generated this is not good not good i don't mean there are a million ways this goes wrong. Well, certainly.

And they're all highlighted in Terminator. But what do you think of that? This is kind of crazy. Would you use it? Would you? I would not. Let me ask you this. Because I know the truth. Let me ask you real quick.

I have one grandmother that's still living. My other grandparents are deceased, and I miss them. you real quick like i've had most of my uh i have one grandmother that's still living i my other grandparents are deceased and um i miss them if you could listen to a little hologram of your grandpa on the on the tabletop would you do that no i loved my grandparents dearly that is not the problem the problem is not my grandparents the problem is when you start getting to lean to like my my spouse or if something happened to my parents that's where i think okay what if it could talk what if it was just a hologram would you want to be able to have that on display like a photo yeah i mean that just

remember people yes yes because that's i mean. What if once a day it talked to you? I would run. Once a day it said, oh, hey, hey there. But I'm not pretending that that person is still alive, and I'm trying to continue on interacting with them instead of going through the whole process of- What if your grandpa was really wise, and then you had a problem? Like, Mike, you're trying to figure out what to do with a job decision.

Wouldn't you want to ask the hologram of your wise grandpa? Your wise grandpa is always going to say the same thing, which is buy stock in Microsoft. That's all that these deceased people are going to be telling you. I hear the Xbox is looking really good. I mean, nonstop propaganda. And you're going to buy it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Oh, man. You know who I like? it. Hook, line, and sinker. Oh, man. You know who I like? That Bill Gates. Oh, my God. He's a number one. All right. Mike, what you got? All right.

We all have made it through 2020. You know, 2021, we're hoping it's a fresh new start. But 2020, not the best year in all of humanity. And let me ask you this, fellas. Was there ever a time in 2020 where you just wanted to scream? You wanted to just unleash a primordial from the depths of inside and just scream it out? I'll go as far as to say I I certainly did well apparently a feller named Chris Gallmer he created a type of avant-garde art project where he has set up a

phone number for people to call in and just unleash fury upon this phone and so that everyone can get involved in it. They're going to archive it. They're going to turn it into this art project. Screams of 2020? It's just a metaphor, something of

an act of service that this man has created for the rest of the world that you just call up. No one is there. It's not a manned telephone, but you just scream and it records it and it helps you get it out. You can do this without that.

I know, but then you're not a part of something. You're not a part of the collective. So at the end, is he going to display all these screams in some museum where you walk in? It's just terrifying of thousands of screams. Like, what is the end goal here? I know that you can check back after your recording and you can find your scream.

I don't know what the grand purpose is. I think it might just be the purpose might be to just be. Artists are so dumb sometimes. Look, I'm an artist too, so I understand. And I created this app called a voice memo. And I've put it on your phone already. Yeah, but how do I get in on your voice memo? You can't listen to my scream on this, can you?

I think I can. Not on your voice memos i don't know how to hack your iphone all right well that's that's peculiar yeah i mean okay now the the segment is called is this real life and i feel like that is that is that's weird and not real life. Andy's is literally not real life. But mine is real life. As in, I can see this happening. And it's not good. The article headline is, Confused, jealous wife stabs husband after seeing her younger self in old photos and this is what happened

oh she thought she was catching her husband with photographs of him with younger women oh no and she stabbed him multiple times no and then in the end after she was arrested found out it was her they were old photos but she was she looked so different wait but wasn't he younger in the photos i was gonna say men and women don't wonderfully they we don't always age the same it's not fair at all but this is real life where she caught she found on his cell phone and here's the funniest part is that these were these were old photos that he had digitized and brought to his cell phone so he could see memories of his wonderful wife he did this wonderful thing and she this is why i stabbed him and stabbed him oh no this is why i've said Stabbed him. And stabbed him.

Oh, no. This is why I've said, and Al, you can attest to this. I've said this a million times. You've got to be darn sure before you stab someone. Yes. It's an important. Yeah. I mean, I would even say to the spit wads out there.

Yeah. Just make sure you're right before the stabbing. Always you want to double check. You need a party of three. You need some checks and balances before the stabbing. You got to turn both dials on the submarine before you can start stabbing people. You want to know what? Two people with the nuclear keys?

Yeah. Exactly. This reminds me of, like, I feel like there's going to be a- It's you. It's you, honey. There's going to be a sister article the next time we do this which is confused jealous wife stabs husband after he cheats on her in a dream because that's you know what i mean like the wife wakes up she's like you cheated on me last night in my dream this

i did nothing i did not do it i'm just i'm looking for the poor guy poor fella that how do you apologize for that one like oh i am so sorry oh man sorry about the stabbing my bad well and let me ask you this you survived didn't you didn't do anything wrong he did he did survive no he did nothing wrong he did nothing wrong is that the end kind of that relationship at that point i mean he likes her so much he's got pictures of their they're like and they've been together for quite a while if she's looking that much younger can you forgive your wife for stabbing you because she thought you cheated on her with yourself i've forgiven my wife for stabbing me many times. So I would say I have it within me.

Usually it's some kind of makeshift shank device. Not a knife that she stabs me with. We're going to talk about the straw, aren't we? I have a permanent scar on my hand from when she stabbed me with a straw from Sonic. Those straws are legit. That was going to be my point is, like, imagine the party stories. You wish it was a knife. Like, I've never shown you this scar.

It's like the Joker. You want to know how I got these scars? Leanna, come on. Come over here. I can tell him when you stabbed me. Tell him about the time you saw pictures of yourself on my phone and it made you real mad. Not again.

Oh, Frank. I got him good. I don't know why they're Southerners. Well, Frank and Leanna, they're just a couple of hoots. Yeah. That is a ridiculous real-life story. Wow. Yeah, people are, they do unexpected things and be safe

gosh she must have aged horribly she couldn't tell she look i'm gonna say she's added a few lbs she's not proud of uh based on really being jealous of that photo and she's probably a beautiful young woman oh yeah yeah i meanocking. Oh, that would be the worst. And you know, the worst part is you're with this gal and she's hideous. All right. Let's do a delicious draft. Spitwads, you know that I love sleeping. It's pretty much my favorite hobby. And you also know

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I'm a big fan. Big fan of fruit. I like fruit candies far more than chocolate candy. I do as well. You, Andy? Mostly, but I am addicted to a ridiculous candy right now that is chocolate i've fallen in love with hugs i don't even wait a hug is that's like the kiss that's a hershey kiss with something in it that's the white chocolate outside swirl hershey kiss all of a sudden because i like

white chocolate i know you guys don't like white chocolate. I love white. That's just me. I hate it. It's terrible. And I like so I like the white chocolate Reese's cups.

I like the white chocolate Kit Kats. I like white chocolate anything. And then I was like oh yeah these hugs exist. I remember when these were new in 1991 and I

know I'm like buying them by the bags because they're great. But yeah fruit candies are awesome. I love fruit candies. I thought that the only thing that Hershey's Kisses do anymore is just make Christmas commercials. People don't buy them anymore.

I didn't think they bought them either. But then when I went to buy the hugs, I saw dark chocolate kisses. I saw caramel filled kisses. I saw all sorts. I saw cookies and cream kisses. I've seen it all. There's a whole world of Hershey's out there that's still getting purchased. So fruit candies, Jason has the first pick.

There are lots. I mean, there are a lot of fruit candies. So many, and there are so many that I love. I feel like there are two big players, though, in the fruit candy market. This is a long draft. We're going to get to all of our down-home favorites, but with the 101, I feel an obligation to take a big dog, take a Coke or a Pepsi, if you know, this is a long draft. We're going to get to all of our down-home favorites. But with the 101, I feel an obligation to take a big dog, take a Coke or a Pepsi, if you will.

And so out of the two big players, in my opinion, I think one is the clear better option. And I'm going to be snacking on some Starburst. Okay. I mean, that's the classic. Wait, are you actually opening Starburst right now? I have some Starburst right here that I mean, that's the classic. Wait, are you opening Starburst right now? I have some Starburst right here that I shall be eating. Not a sponsor.

Not a sponsor. Not yet. But delicious. They are the 101. And of course, I got... Is that original over there? Oh, it's all reds, my man. I was going to ask that.

All reds? You have a bag of all reds? All reds and pinks, my man. When they started making it like this, I mean, who wants the other colors? Yeah, I think we've talked about this before, that orange and yellow, they're fine. If they're there, I'm going to eat it. I want orange in there. I want orange in there.

I don't want yellow in there. But would you rather have all of them and you have to have the yellow or just the red and pink? No, I'd rather have red and pink. Exactly. them and you have to have the yellow or just the red and pink no i'd rather have red and pink exactly now with this draft since we're at the top does he get all starbursts or do you get to draft okay he gets all star that's what i figured yeah you don't get tropical i don't want to do that either i want to do those two main themes and you want to know what i'm really addicted to lately and the berry ones are the best they're not as good by any stretch as a as an og starburst but they're so easy to eat that it makes up for it's the the little mini

starburst in a bag dude they're they're made with like a wax because you don't wrap them up they're made with like a weird flavor but you could just eat so many so fast well that's true you know what he's talking about mike i do not so they make like they make starbursts in a bag that are not wrapped individually and they're all put in there and then they have to use some other type of yeah you're gonna contaminate the flavors no you don't because they've put them in some sort of scientific shell that keeps them apart from each other okay That's basically like they dip them in candle wax and then they put them inside of the bag. And they make them miniature.

I think they're almost always miniaturized. And they're very convenient, but they really do taste different to me, not to Jason. No, they're different. I'm always fascinated Starburst. Not that candy is good for you, but it's always fun to look at the nutritional wrapper of a starburst versus like other candies and it's like holy

crap starbursts are they are not good for you really yeah i think it's i i if i remember right it's like they're really really high in fat fat content. Hmm. I can't recall. Jason would be sharing his thoughts on it, but he's eating. For every six pieces, I can handle that. No problemo. All right. Starburst is the 101 to me in the fruit category. That's fine.

In fact, I think if you take... If you leave me with the one I don't want here, Mike, I'll be sad. Because I'll have to take it. But we'll see. I don't want it. What's the number two? I only want the sour version of it. Isn't Andy up?

Yes. But we know what the 102. We know what Andy is thinking about. I'm not up. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. This is literally, just so you know, Andy, this is our 135th episode. And the order has pretty much been established from a long time ago.

Who did the scat on the last show? I did, right? No, I did. Oh, I am way off. The clock is going backwards in my head. So I'm up. I'm taking Sour Patch Kids. That's a problem. I know. That is not fair. See, that's a problem.

I know. That is not fair. I wanted it so bad. It's so good. They're just so delicious. The watermelon. The watermelon are the best. Oh, stop it with your watermelon propaganda.

Actually, the Starburst watermelon. No. Oh, he's got Sour Patch Kids right on hand. How many candies do you have in front of you right now? He's got all the candies. He's got all of them. Mike, I. How many candies do you have in front of you right now? He's got all the candies. He's got all of them. Mike, I'm with you. The fact that you just want the reds and the pinks,

and then you just want the watermelons. Stop. Variety is part of what makes it good. I'm elitist, okay? I want the all-stars. You can have the crappy players on the team. Watermelon is triple A. Get out of here. The major leagues is the players on the team. Watermelon is triple A. Get out of here.

The major leagues is the Sour Patch Kids. I agree. I agree. Anyway, Sour Patch Kids, I'm sorry. That's the best one outside of Starburst. Ridiculous. The Watermelons. Get out of here.

All right. Garbage. So, Mike, I don't have to worry about it now. You do not have to worry about it. I mean, it carries so much name recognition and power, I may just have to worry about it and I mean this it carries so much name recognition of power I might may just have to take it I figured I was getting Sour Patch Kids here on the turn and we talked about it before

the show because I wanted to know I was like where where are fruit snacks fitting into this category and it was discussed before the show that fruit snacks are 100% acceptable the show that fruit snacks are 100 acceptable in this because fruit snacks are in fact candies just called fruit snacks wink wink

they're super good for you these aren't candy this is just a snack it's a fruit snack you know what you know what a fruit snack is an apple an apple or a banana or an oars that is a fruit snack is? An apple. An apple or a banana or an orange. That is a fruit snack. You want to know what the difference between a fruit snack and the Sour Patch Kids watermelon I'm eating? Sour stuff on the outside. That's it. No, no, no. It's condensed sugar into a form.

How do you not agree with that? Because fruit snacks straight up suck compared to candy. That's why. Fruit snacks are made with a lack of a density to them. It's like saying hey, give me a gummy bear, but make it taste worse. That's what a fruit snack is. It's something your mom would be like,

no, you can't have candy after school, but you can go have a fruit snack. Oh, mom, do I have to? Yeah, you do have to have a fruit snack. And that's all marketing. That's the only difference. Mom and dad got tricked back in the day that they got okay they got your mom andy i'm sorry to tell you so anyways good so anyway well okay well then i'll give you my first pick and you can tell me that it is not as good because when you're talking i haven't taken my first one yet i thought you just took fruit snacks. No, no, no, no.

I was saying that category of fruit snacks is allowed. Oh, all right. Okay. And I needed to just declare that to the listener before I launched into my first pick, because when you have fruit candy and fruit snacks mixed together, I agree that Starburst is very powerful. But I will take Gushers. I will take Gushers as my first pick

because it is not only the best fruit snack but when you are weighing it in comparison to gushers and other things like that or i'm sorry to starburst and other things like that i'm gonna grab me a pack of gushers i am first of all look we agree on a lot of things we disagree on a lot of things mike if you had all the fruit candies to pick from and your first pick is to go for some gushers i'm shocked i am shocked let me tell you why let me tell you why candy's better okay why because i just looked up some of them welch's fruit snacks that you see people handed out right sure 11 grams of sugar you want to go get yourself a bag of the sour patch kids 23 grams per serving yeah that's the difference but what's the size of the circle no the bag the

bag a bag of this and a bag of that you so gushers you would reach for gushers over any other fruit i would i would reach for gushers before i took starburst okay i took sour patch to each to each their own now i would one you don't ever get enough, though. That is true. Why don't they make a candy bag style for Gushers, like a movie theater Gusher bag? Because when you get a Gusher, you might as well eat the box. It's because of

how they stick together. Because they stick together, it's acceptable when there's eight of them in this little bag. And you're like, oh, that's cute. If you had a giant bag, and there's like 40 of them together this little bag and you're like oh that's cute if you had a giant bag and there's like 40 of them together and you just have this baseball now of gushers that's the reason because gushers are awesome gushers are delicious they are fantastic but there's something wrong with them and we all know we all know it you know like you open it up you're like do i should i

separate these do i just eat them all at once? I love them. They're certainly down on the list, but I'm not going to disparage Gushers. Well, I appreciate that, Jason. They are my number one pick. I will say this. No, no, no. I will agree that there's some philosophical differences in how you choose candy.

Some people want to eat a lot of something. Some people want something that's super, super sweet, right? Like you could have, you know, if you have a hard candy, you're going to be sucking that candy for a long time. Sure. You have a fruit snack. You might be wanting to eat a lot of it. You know, a lifesaver is a hard candy. I think it's different on what, like if you're going to go watch a movie, do you want to eat a lot of something?

Or do you just, you can get over sugared. Sure. Can't you? I mean, you're not going to, yes, I'm not going to eat five bags of Sour Patch Kids.

I'd go, that'd be insane. Gushers, when I open a pack of Gushers, they are gone in under eight seconds. I agree with that. Yeah. And that is,

that is the problem. And I've never in my adult life taken one pack of Gushers ever. It's unacceptable. It's one of the things you're most proud of. If there's a box of Gushers, I only take two packs at a minimum, or it's not worth doing. And we're talking about this like this wasn't a money-making scheme

by the people that make Gushers. They know what they're doing. You're like, why don't I get more Gushers? Because you're going to have to buy another box of Gushers, you dummy. No, it was so smart. We know you'll do it. They're in such small bags that moms thought they could have them for after school snacks. Here's a teeny bag of sweet things.

All right. All right. Yeah, you got another pick. I got the Gushers. I know what the next pick is in terms of popularity. What should be there. And it's just not happening. Like I said, when it comes up, I'll say, yeah, I would have taken the sour variant of it,

but I'm not getting into it. I know where you're going. I'm not getting into that. Which means I get it, I guess. But I guess I'm just a fruit snack kid, so I'm going to follow up my gushers. And if you want to eat something a long time, Andy, what if you had a foot? What if you had a foot's a long time, Andy, what if you had a foot? What if you had a foot's worth of fruit, my friend?

And I will take a fruit by the foot. I am so shocked that all of your go-to candies are fruit snacks. Yeah. Now, wait a minute. So here's what's shocking me. I can't believe it. I understand what both of you are saying in the sense that it's surprising with all the candy of the world that you're going to the snack aisle versus the candy aisle here. Right.

That's where I'm at. It's just a different aisle, man. It's still the same stuff, but it's better. Why are we calling Gushers and Fruit by the Foot fruit snacks? Those are not fruit snacks. Neither one is a fruit snack. Like, fruit snacks are their own thing, man. We all know what fruit snacks are. Well, they're that like fruit snacks are their own thing man we all know what fruit snacks are well they say fruit snacks aisle man they're on the fruit snacks aisle

um i'm shocked because i know you like other candies and i know we wouldn't have drafted these so you're being strategically stupid because you could take all the fruit snacks at the end of the draft you want it nope. I'm just living. I'm being real. I'm exposing myself to the audience. I'm saying I would take a fruit by the foot. Hey, you know what? There is no Fortnite pandering happening over here. No, there isn't.

Which, you know what, Mike? Here's the problem I have now. It's my pick. Yeah, enjoy it. No one wants it. I'm in a bit of a pickle because there's no way Jason doesn't take it. You're darn right. And if Jason takes it and he combines it with Starburst, he wins the draft.

You're darn right. It's very possible. So I'm going to have to take it. I'm taking Skittles. Okay, there it is. It's off the board. I will throw this out there. Jason, that flavor.

That flavor is the best flavor. Wild berry Skittles is the best flavor of skittles and he just correct he just opened it now tropical skittles are great too and sour skittles are great sour skittles i here's the problem with sour skittles is i like to eat them and i get all the sour off and i chew them up and then i don't want to take those down. I've eaten bags of sour Skittles where I just chew on them and then I spit them out like sunflower seeds. What? Yeah.

That's ridiculous. Mike is living in his own place and he's owning up to it, and that's okay. I'm my own thing. He's his own thing. I used to buy Skittles every day in grade school. Really? 50 cents for a bag of Skittles. On my own thing. He's his own thing. I used to buy Skittles every day in grade school. Really? 50 cents for a bag of Skittles, but the wild berry ones. I didn't like the OG because I don't want no lemon.

Get the lemon out of my life. Lemon was like, somebody's like, oh, crap. We probably have to put something yellow in here. You want to do banana? No, banana is too expensive. You want to do, What else is yellow? Oh, there ain't nothing. Let's do a lemon.

Have you guys ever had stale Skittles? Oh, you're talking about rocks? Are you talking about rocks? Yeah, because that's what I literally just ate. I was trying to work through about three Skittles since the last time I spoke. Did you chip a tooth? Those things were not good, and I'm so happy I did not draft them

because they deserve the garbage can. Shame on you, Wildberry Skittles. Yeah, I mean, they don't last forever, man. You did something wrong in the past by having that bag still there. I mean, honestly, I don't think I've ever had stale Skittles before. They're always great.

I didn't think it was possible. Before you went to the movies as a kid, my mom would take us to the dollar store to get candy. And when you go to the dollar store to get candy to smuggle into the movie theater, that's the one risk you take. The dollar store candy, that expiration date, it's a little different than the $35 candy in the movie theater.

So you're playing with some fire with the tea. Giving you the old manager special. Yeah, yeah. Sure, we've got some of these. Where'd they come from? Don't ask any questions. Alright, Jason, you're up with two picks. I am taking what over the last couple years is my absolute

favorite candy. It's unbelievable. However, it's lesser known. It's not like Skittles or Starburst. It's not like a super commonplace, even Sour Patch Kids. But if you've had these, you're like, oh, dang, that's the new hotness. And I'm talking about Sweet Tart Ropes. Dude, I would.

Okay, this is legit. I had no idea Jason was going to say that. Okay, this is legit. I had no idea Jason was going to say that. Sweetheart ropes have become the greatest candy. They are the best candy. That I have ever had in my entire life. And here's my story. My wife and I, we subscribe to one of the food services,

or like meal kits. Jason has eaten every one of the candies he's picked. He has. And he is making a correct decision. So a meal kit delivery service, all of a sudden I open it up, and I assume it's a promotional item because it is Sweet Tart Ropes Wonder Woman Edition, and it's Tropical Punch. I don't even like Tropical Punch, generally speaking, for a flavor. I would never pick it, but they're there.

I'm making the dinnersners one thing leads to another i'm gonna try this candy out and i take a bite i'm like holy crap this is the this is the best candy i've ever had in my entire so what's inside of that rope it's like a cream it's like a soft it's weird because it's harder than a cream now that's not a that's not a Twizzler flavor, though, right? Because I hate Twizzlers. No, no, no, no. I can't believe that you know about these, Jason. Do I need to Amazon myself trying some of these?

Yes, you do. There is nobody in the world who's had these. Like, if you've had them, you go, oh, yeah, this is the best candy I've ever had. I got the votes. But I know that it's not super common, but it will be. I mean, our kids are going to grow up. Do I want the Ropes Bites or do I want just the one flavor I've ever had. I got the votes. But I know that it's not super common, but it will be. I mean, our kids are going to grow up. Do I want the Ropes Bites or do I want just the one flavor? Both are good.

Both are good. Both are really good. I will say this. The Ropes Bites have a tendency to be a little bit more stale, but they're both great. But you get different flavors in the Ropes Bites. Do I want to try the – The answer is you should be ordering both.

Get it all, my man. You should be ordering both. I promise you will not be disappointed. We can stop the draft because Jason took the best candy that's ever been invented. When you eat these, Andy, you'll be like, oh, that's something different. Not a spot. Look, sweetheart, you are getting so much air time right now. My mind is being blown.

That's why my mind, I'm seriously freaking out right now because it's on my list of things to mention when the draft is done. I can get it from Amazon by tonight at 5 p.m. Congratulations, Andy. Treat yourself, my friend. All right. It's on the way. All right.

So those sweet tart ropes. I can't believe you knew about them. They are so good. Well, I'll let you know, I'll let you know. I'll let you know in five hours. Yeah, and I will say this. They're not the only ropes that are good because. Oh, Twizzlers suck so bad.

Sour Punch Straws. Yes. If I'm going sour, like Sour Patch Kids I love, but Sour Patch Kids Watermelons are the greater one. But Sour Punch Straws are so good. And if I want something sour, I would rather have the straw than the kids. They are much, much better than Sour Patch Kids. I agree with you.

Really? Really? You think they're better than Sour Patch Kids? Yes. The problem is availability. You only get one flavor with them, too. That does not matter. You give me those Sour Green Apple Sour Punch Straws.

Those are great. And I'm living my, too. That does not matter. You give me those sour green apple sour punch straws. Those are great. And I'm living my best life. The problem is availability. Like, sour, I don't know if you guys, this is a weird thing that I've noticed, like the rise of Sour Patch Kids. You know, I mean, those weren't around when we were young. Some salesman got into all the theaters.

But all of a sudden, it was like this brand new candy is now a mainstay in candies. It's weird how it feels like candy is a hard market to infiltrate, but Sour Patch Kids, they did a fantastic job. I'm not even surprised now that Jason pulls out another pack of whatever we're talking about. That is incredible. Where's your fruit by the foot, bro?

It's in the kitchen. You were not prepared. I'm going to go with the candy now that... Oh, wait. Jason, do you have another pick? No, he took it. In a while. There's two straws. That's right. Yeah. I'm going to go with the candy that I think I've chosen as my movie

theater fruit candy more often than any other candy in the last 10 years. It's actually Mike and Ike's it's actually Mike and Ike's. I love Mike and Ike's. Now, I don't like the straight up normal flavor of that either, but they make some delicious berry flavors. I like the texture.

The Mega Mix. Oh, the Mega Mix is legitimate. Yeah, the Mega Mix. Mike and Ike's are so incredibly good. Now, you can get the bad draw. Oh, my gosh. He's got some. He's got Mike and Ike's are so incredibly good. Now, you can get the bad draw. Oh, my gosh. He's got some. He's got Mike and Ike's right there.

And what flavor is that? The Mega Mix? Oh, of course it's the Mega Mix. I mean, come on. Okay. Talk to me about the Mega Mix. I don't know what it is. Let's introduce them to the Mega Mix.

All right. Well, the Mega Mix, you've got strawberry, banana. You've got grape soda. You've got mango. You've got watermelon. You've got blue raspberry. You've got grape soda. You've got mango. You've got watermelon. You've got blue raspberry. You've got peach. You've got pineapple banana, which I'm a big banana fan,

and there's several bananas, kiwi banana. They're mixing the tropical, the berry one, and the regular all into that mix. That's a little too mega. No. Now, that's a candy that you get more quantity of that candy. You don't have to unwrap it, and you get tons of it, and it's delicious. I just, in my younger life, I had made the decision I do not like Mike and Ike's. Bad decision.

That was a bad day. I stand by it. I feel good about it. But Mike and Ike's are the exact same thing as the pink and the whites. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's the same people. Get off my lawn good and plenty. No. You can just. no, no, no, no. It's the same people. Get off my lawn, Good & Plenty. No.

You can just... But it's the same shape and it's the same texture. It's different. No. Good & Plenty's are smaller, pill size. Mike & Ike's are larger. I don't know. I need a side-by-side live.

And the Good & Plenty's are candy. They're candy coated. I'm telling... Here, Mike, go to Amazon right now and order yourself some Barry Mike & and plenty's are candy. They're candy coated. I'm telling you. Here, Mike, go to Amazon right now and order yourself some Barry Mike and Ike's for tonight. I would rather die than order Mike and Ike's. I told you. I decided I'm not eating them. Just because you decided

doesn't mean you were right. If you thought they were good and plenty's, they're wrong. Let me talk to Mike for a second. Okay, go ahead. Because I was with you, Mike. I decided as a young boy I don't like Mike and Ike. Okay. Go ahead. Because I was with you, Mike. I decided as a young boy, I don't like Mike and Ike's. They were stupid. I didn't like them. Because they're bad. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. 100%. Never

liked them. And my wife started buying them. And I told her, I don't like them. They're stupid. Get out of here with your stupid Mike and Ike's. Yeah. And then eventually, I don't know what happened. Probably due to it having sugar and me being fat, I was like, I'm going to try these. And so I me being fat i was like i'm gonna try these and so i had some and i was like oh these are real good why didn't anybody ever tell me

about mike and ike's and based on the the sweet tart ropes the sour punch straws i'm just telling you mike and ike's are pretty good you got to try them out all right well you knew about you knew about the sweet tart ropes so that does move you up a ring i couldn't talk him into it no you got it because you don't know about the sweet tart ropes man you're not in that club i just spent twenty dollars on them to get them here tonight come on man yes and and after you eat them you'll say why would i ever eat micah nikes when i can eat sweet tart ropes you cannot i will take your word for that when you try some Mike and Ike's because you decided that they were little licorice

good and plenties, which is the kind of candy my grandmother's grandmother thought kind of sucked. Who made? Is it the same company that makes both? No. It has to be. Someone vet. Eventually it is. There's like one company that makes all these companies. There's like three, right?

Good and plenty. Nestle, Mars. Is bad and stupid. Yes. I mean, who wants little licorice covered? That's before they knew how to make candy. They're like, ooh, what can we do? We need something.

Black licorice, sure. All right, Mike, you're back up. All right, so with my first pick here, I will bookend it. I get to close out my draft. I will be. Oh, Al Borland says it's different companies. Some. So you basically completely wrong in every way.

That's all that we're got. You're wrong in every way. He's educating us. Good and Plenty's are Hershey and Mike and Ike's are just born. Now, what is the like? what's the hot tamale one? There's another one that's just like. That's true. Hot tamales are like Mike and Ike's more than Good and Plenty's.

Yes, and those are made by Just Born as well. It makes sense. Use the same molds. Okay. That's what I always thought about Good and Plenty's. And they also make Peeps, just so you know. Well, Peeps suck. But anyway, move on.

All right. So I will book in. I get to close on my draft. Well, peeps suck. But anyway, move on. All right. So I will book in. I get to close on my draft. I get to take this. I figure this is far more up the... Cheese snacks. The realm of candies. And they figured it out

because just like Starburst figured it out, like here's the best flavor. And they made a fruit variant of this candy and I will take cherry lifesavers because cherry lifesavers are the best of the bunch best of the fruit bunch I don't know why they sell the fruit packs of lifesavers because there's

like coconut and like other trash in there I don't know why they sell lifesavers they're so stupid I honestly if I drafted lifesavers you would have buried me under the old man hat you're darn stupid. Honestly, if I had drafted Lifesavers, you would have buried me under the old man hat. You're darn right. Yeah, but I drafted Cherry Lifesavers. That might be more old man than anything else. A Cherry Hard Candy.

I'm not saying they're not good. They're very good. Lifesavers are great. I was staying away from them because my grandpa already drafted them. Yeah, see? You're worried. You're worried about your own personal brand. I'm over here just letting people know who I am. Dude, you're flying. You're flying. You're worried about your own personal brand. I'm over here just letting people

know who I am. You're flying. It's not just to worry about his brand. It's also the fact that Andy knows that there are really good candies in existence. And Cherry Lifesavers is not. I'm looking at my list and I don't see anything that needs to go

above a Cherry Lifesaver. Not on your list, I agree. But like all of Andy and I's. Oh, man. All right. Why are we surprised that Mike's dessert takes today as opposed to the other 100-plus drafts that we've done? Why are we shocked, Jason?

I'm shocked because we've had such agreement on the sweet tart ropes and the sour punch straws. I'm starting to feel've had such agreement on the sweet tart ropes and the Sour Punch straws. I'm starting to feel ashamed of myself. Honestly, we have done things like this with candy so much and Sour Punch straws. And I've always been the last, with my last time through, I always take Sour Punch straws because they're one of my favorite candies. And no one ever gives, I've never received any feedback. I figured that was not even close to your radar. But you ended up drafting them, so that kind of hosed me a little bit.

So I took Cherry Lifesavers. All right, with my last pick, I can get some name power, but I don't want to. I feel like there are so many other good fruit candies available right now. So don't mess up. I feel like there are so many other good fruit candies available right now. So don't mess up. I feel like we have really, we're already to the bottom of the barrel here with fruit candies. My desk says we are not. Well, yeah, Mike and Ike people over there.

Now, to be clear, you've never had a Mike and Ike before, right? No, to be clear, I had one, but it was a long time ago. I was seven years old. It was pink and it was licorice. I was at the age when every piece of candy is supposed to be delicious and I ate Mike and Ikes and I said, these are bad. You ate good and plenty. 100% ate good and plenty. Oh, man.

I wish we were in studio and this could be a taste testing episode. That would be perfect. That would have been fantastic. All right, let's shut it down. Let's redo it. All right, I will take... Man. One of them is just...

I like it a lot, but it's just too close to fruit by the foot. So I don't think I could take it. But I will also take... I will take Airheads. Airheads. All right. That was going gonna be my next pick oh we we finally did it i got one that you like i love airheads yeah those things are

fantastic uh airheads are very good so uh with my last pick then i will go with a different one that i reach for very often perhaps underrated by some i love fruit candies i've tried them all mentos are amazing mentos are delicious i've never had a fruit mentos mentos fruit are super underrated because they're not common really yeah they're they're actually real good yeah they're they're outstanding so uh i will go with mentos at to close it out fruit just a little peek behind the curtain so we use uh we have a we use slack to communicate uh during the show to make sure we're all on point here i take airheads al borland immediately says that the airheads are wax and our friend brian who is not he's not he's nowhere near us he's not listening to this show but he was in our chat within 10 seconds to defend

the honor of airhead so thank you brian for having my back he's got some alert must defend defend alert yeah defend airheads that's um all right so i've got the final pick of the draft here i'm gonna take a candy that i absolutely love that i know is polarizing. Look, there's a lot of things that are polarizing that I understand. It has more than four letters, right? Yes, but I would say most of these candies do. What candy has

fewer than four letters? Let Jason finish and then I'll explain the one I was afraid he was going to do. You were afraid I was going to go with Dots. Yes, I was. I was very afraid. I love Dots and this I understand to be polarizing because my wife loves dots. And is that your pick? No, it's not. In fact, it was going to be my pick. But I let fate decide. I opened the box of dots. I tried a dot and I said, if it's stale, because that's a big problem, I'm not going to pick it. This this sucks. Why would I eat these?

And it did. But I'm telling you, when you get fresh ones, they're super good. But instead, I'm going with a candy that is polarizing. It shouldn't be. It's just outstanding. It's nothing but great. It's one of my absolute favorites, and some stupid people say they don't like it. I'm going with Swedish Fish, baby. That's my wife's favorite candy in the land.

Yeah, I mean, this deserves to be up there with everybody's favorite candy like in the land yeah i mean this this deserves to be up there with everybody's favorite candy and i don't understand how people cannot like swedish fish when it just it tastes delicious it's always a good texture it's perfect look let me tell you a swedish fish story okay you met one i grew up swedish fish were my favorite candy on the planet okay uh i think that they're delicious. The flavor, it's unique. It's got a special little unique flavor to it. Jason's eating them right now.

Quick question, Jason. Were all these candies on hand, or did you prepare for this episode? I mostly prepared. I bleed the fifth. I bleed the fifth. All right. One of the first things I did when I moved out of my house, moved out of my parents' house, was I got my own townhouse.

And when you have your own place, you can get what you want, you can eat what you want, right? I'm eating cookies for dinner, Mom, and you can't stop me. Basically, it was that. I bought more Swedish fish than is acceptable, and I bought more red vines than is acceptable. And one night, I ate a lot of both of them, and I puked my guts out.

Oh, no. And from that moment... You ate enough candy to puke? I ate enough Swedish Fish to where I threw it all up, and from that moment on, I have not had another single Swedish Fish. Because from that... You know how you can have a food destroyed

by one bad experience? Swedish Fish were destroyed by that. But I did puke a lot of blood yeah thanks thanks i didn't need the vomit to know that swedish fish should not be eaten all right since that was a long and exciting draft mike has gushers fruit by the foot cherry lifesavers and airheads did you get did you guys figure out the uh the other fruit snack that's like fruit by the foot that I wanted to draft? Yeah. I mean, it's just the sheet. Fruit roll-ups?

Yeah, fruit roll-ups. You don't know what candy is. That's what I figured out during this draft. Jason has Starburst Sweet Tart Ropes, which I'll be getting soon. Sour Punch Straws and Swedish Fish. I have Sour Patch Kids Skittles, Mike and Ike's, and Fruit Mentos. I just like that, you know, I was willing to try the Sweet Tart Ropes. Mike wasn't willing to try Mike and Ike's for me.

I can't believe that Jason took Sweet Tart Ropes with his second pick. Andy, that should tell you everything. Why do you think I bought them? Jason knows a thing or two about a thing or two. In this world, Jason loves candy, and Jason loves winning these drafts at all costs. He will throw a family member under the bus to win a Spitballers draft, and yet he was willing to take Sweet Tarts ropes with his second pick.

That's good analysis. Dots suck, so that was going to be one of my comments. Yes. Jolly Ranchers. I like. They're on my list. Old classic. They're on my list.

I like Jolly Ranchers. High Chews. Have you had High Chews? High Chews are good. Mambas. Mambas are good. Mambas are very good. I always prefer the chewy versus the hard.

I do too. We didn't get with any Gummy Bears or gummy bears or gummy worms, but those are classics. Yeah, because they're fine. And then I need to know, what is the consensus feeling here on this show about now and laters? Dangerous, but delicious. I feel exactly the same way. I think I just have too much respect for my teeth. That's all it is you know when you're a kid and you've got teeth you're gonna lose go go after it you know

enjoy them i've had now and laters and mind you it was when the the sun and moon lined up at the exact same time wait yeah there you go there was an eclipse and i've had it we're like day one now and laters you got them right off the bot or maybe right off of the assembly line because that's how they're put together. And they are soft enough to where you get the flavor and the chewing and you don't pull all your teeth out. That is possible. I've had it happen one time. Nobody believes me.

I didn't take any pictures, but it did happen. But I think that wraps it up. That's a lot of fruit candies. Al, are there any that we forgot that are like your favorites? Give me some gummy worms. All right. All right. You like Good & Plenty's?

Because they suck. Not at all. They suck. Yeah. Anybody who ordered... Look, there are certain candies that people went to the store and they bought them. On the way out, the FBI should haul you away and send you off to an island. I mean, if you're somebody buying Good & Plenty's, please don't listen to this show.

Please don't do it. I would appreciate you... to an island. I mean, if you're somebody buying Good and Plenty, please don't listen to this show. Please don't do it. Just go away. I would appreciate you, you know, find another podcast. Find another podcast. Go find the Werther's Original People and get on with your life. All right.

I'd rather eat a caramel than a Good and Plenty. Let's say goodbye. What did we learn today? I learned that Mike does not know what candy is. Yeah, I was going to say that Mike does not know what fruit snacks are either. But I will go with I learned that CBS will not be sponsoring our podcast in the future. Oh, man. All right, right mike did you learn anything today you learned that mike and ike's aren't good in plenties i know you learned that

i yeah i mean if i learned anything it is is definitely that two companies make those candies even though they are both similar in size texture and uh dare i say deliciousness. Both are not good. We've all got ways that we can grow in our candy knowledge. I'm going to grow tonight with those sweet tart ropes. I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going to grow wider with all the candy on my desk. We're all going to grow with sweet tart ropes, my man.

That's right. Alright, gummy worms coming in from Al. Alright, that'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Once again, thank you for listening, supporting. Let us know how we're wrong on YouTube, if you'd like,

on Twitter. And we'll listen for a minute and then we'll do another show. No, we won't. But thanks for listening. Goodbye. Thanks for listening

to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.