Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 137: Andy Breaks The Law & The Ultimate Debt Collectors - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

On today’s show we talk about doggie defecation and public urination. We also discuss our wives childhood crushes, kids birthday parties, and helping people move. The end of the episode comes knocking as we draft fictional characters to collect a debt. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

Hey, it's me. It's Andy. Hey, Andy. How's it going? I'm fantastic. We've got a great show today. That's number one. Number two, I just want to let everyone out there listening know that if they don't have enough Spitballers-themed aspects of their life, they can go over to SpitballersPod.com. They can click on the Become a Spitwad button.

It's just a little button. That's how it sounds. Yeah. When you click it, it goes, boop- a, is that a spittoon? Yes. Okay. You can click on become a spitwad, learn more about how you can support the show and get some really cool perks. That's spitballerspod.com. Let's get to the episode. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

Squeed up, up, up, up. A hack a second, come on. Okay, all right. All right. Yeah, what do you think of that? Well, it's refreshing to have somebody stick a landing for once. I mean, we are... I got an eight from Jason.

Yeah, that's not bad. That was really good. Yeah, it took... Although I do feel like your beginning, I think you've been going to that a little bit. You got to start out with the classics, man. What was that, a squee... Now, why the hacky sack? Well, because hacky sacky rhymes.

Oh, okay. I didn't know if there was a deeper purpose. Not everybody just yells words from the show. Skittles! Starburst! If you hit them with a Skittles Bittles, then you're good to go. Oh, you didn't go with the Bittles. It's about the rhyme.

Did you guys? Now, when we were growing up, at least when I was growing up and we were in the same state, When we were growing up, at least when I was growing up and we were in the same state, right around junior high, like sixth, seventh grade, hacky sack fever swept my school district. Now, did you guys get in on that? Yeah, I had the same thought. Yeah, there were the nerds over in the corner that were playing hacky sack. They were right next to the tetherball people.

And then we were playing basketball. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa to the tetherball people. And then we were playing basketball. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That tetherball people were nerds. Oh, you didn't know you were a nerd. This is amazing. The tetherball players were the ones that couldn't play basketball. The tetherball players were like the lowest on the socioeconomic political landscape for the school, yeah.

He is finding out just now that his whole belief. Thank you. Al Borland was in. Which nerddom are you claiming? Are you claiming the hacky sack? Both. You and I did a lot of hacky sack. That is true.

I played a lot of tetherball. Nerd alert. There was only one classification of kid below the tetherball hacky sacks, and that was the kids that walked along the fence line all around the back of the school. It's always shocking to hear the social dynamics of different schools. It really is. So they were the cool kids in your school, the hacky sackers? In junior high, absolutely.

The hacky sackers were amongst the top. See, Andy and I actually went to the same grade school. We didn't know each other then at all, but we did go to the same school. It makes sense. So it never caught on over there. Yeah, so yeah, the skateboarders were the same crew as the hacky sackers. Okay. So these are almost like different.

Each school has its own country. Yes. And a country has a different culture and different dynamics so if my child is struggling and they've been classified as just a nerd then what you're telling me is if i switch schools they might just instantly be the popular kid absolute that is what i'm telling you wow man there's a lot of kids at our school that should have switched to Mike's school. I am really happy Mike didn't go to our school because with the tetherball and the hacky sack, oh, man, we'd be dunking on y'all. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast.

Great show for you today. Would you rather? That's a great question. I was the king of the tetherball. Were you? I was a dominant force. Oh, the open hand slaps over here? No wonder you didn't play tetherball. Probably because you sucked at it. Oh, the open hand slaps over here? No wonder you didn't play tetherball.

Probably because you sucked at it. Oh, man. What a weird hill to die on. I think it's a ditch. You're dying in a ditch. It's the opposite of a hill. You're like, this is where I choose to die. At least in that ditch I'm wearing a crown.

Tetherball Valley. Your calculator didn't have advanced functions? Now we're talking on calculator oh yeah because nerds oh yeah yeah so he says the nerds okay calculator watch super cool calculator watch no now i'm putting a rift between the two of them calculator watch jason i don't remember a calculator watch ever being a thing. I don't remember ever seeing one in my life. There were these little watches that, you know, look, all watches told time back then. And then this watch came along and it was

a calculator. Look, that's cool because you could cheat in class. That's why. You could cheat at math. I mean, no calculators. Can I have a watch? Because the teachers weren't aware that the calculator was... Oh no, they take it away from the kids that have it. Excuse me, sir.

I see a lot of buttons on that watch that say one through nine. By the way, I'm looking at the monitors here on YouTube, which you can do as well, YouTube.com slash Spitballers. I have too little hair. Mike has way too much. I mean, that's what's happened. I got to Mike's stage and realized that I wasn't going to go get a real haircut for a while, and I just cut it off out of frustration.

And Mike has gone wolf, man. Oh, full moon. The full moon, yes. And for the first time in my adult life, I'm just right in the hair department. I would say so. I'm the Goldilocks for this one moment in time. Oh, man. Certainly not too much hair.

You are 100% of 70%. Yeah, man. Certainly not too much hair. You are 100% of 70%. Yeah, baby. At SpitballersPod on Twitter and Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod if you want to hang out with us on social media. Let's kick this thing off. Would you rather? Would you rather be a tetherballer or a hacky sack? Oh, man.

That's a great question. That is a great question. If I had to be one of them, I would be the hacky sacker. Because I do agree, even at our school, they were the skateboard crowd. And they weren't necessarily the most popular, but you also, you know, you weren't going to pick a fight with skateboarders. So I would take the hacky sack. Okay. All right.

Now I'm just starting to think about the goth crowd. And did the goth crowd ever hacky sack? I don't remember. There's a little bit of bleed over between the skateboarders and the goth. It is so bizarre. Like, which group ends up, like, rising to the higher in the social pecking order. People just want to be in groups. Yeah.

At some point in time, they're like, let's grab a beanbag and start kicking it. Now, wait a minute. That'll be our group. Wait a minute. What if whatever group you were in, we all think was the cool group, and we play basketball, so the basketball people were the pinnacle of popularity. Obviously, because we did it it and then the hacky sackers thought they were at the top of the list this definitely no i don't think we were the top of the list i'm certainly just weren't the bottom certainly not claiming that by by any stretch but that is definitely a thing because uh i was

friends with al borland growing up uh we had another friend. And Al Borland. You guys had one other friend. No, no, no. No, yeah. I had very few friends. But they were, my friends at a different school, were in the marching band. And they would continually try to get me to believe that being in the marching band was cool. The whole marching band did try to do that to everybody everywhere. That one's not different.

They are large. They are a mighty army. So I understand that there is like their own little ecosystem. Power in numbers. Yes. Yeah. Well, when you wear uniforms like that, you have to say that all the time. All right.

This has become, that wasn't a real question. Here's the real would you rather question from John over on Patreon. wasn't a real question here's the real would you rather question from john over on patreon would you rather be forced to take part in a ballet performance or a synchronized swimming performance oh um boy i it's hard it's hard to not answer for me the swimming for two reasons one you got that breath capacity of course i do not but the ballet performance inherently in my mind it is large audience very out in the open um constantly comprehending my embarrassment the swimming one i don't know what kind of crowds gather i'm mostly worried about am i gonna die and so there's less of me

knowing what's staring at me i'm laughing i'm laughing because uh in my house i have i have a move that i go to it's legendary now uh i believe ballet move a ballet move a dance move i believe it is called a leap where you do the running and you you jump and usually a trained professional dancer will go uh full splits in the air splits in the air and my uh my jumping ability at least my vertical jumping ability is well documented amongst this crowd i feel like i'm getting at least 38 inches off the ground. And I've seen the film, and it's closer to 3.8 inches off of the ground. And I do this. Like, I kick my legs up.

And my family and my wife, they laugh hysterically. And I don't understand the joke. And I just keep trying to get better and better at my leaps. But, like, when my wife will just ask me, she's like, oh, you got do a leap right now and then they just they just cackle like mania we've never seen this leap which means that you have a special move that you use only is this like when you're running to the fridge or something well no like just when dancing happens i get in on it i go to the leap that's your that's like my bird dance here's what i know that we get to experience in about an hour is we get to

experience a Mike leap. As soon as this show is over, I'm watching him get 3.8 inches off the ground. Now I have a move in my household. That's probably being generous. A ballet move? A ballet move that is somewhat similar to yours in the sense that it's, you know, it's renowned within the household. It's my famous high kick. My high kick is a 90 degree angle. Okay, so this kick, and that's also being generous. That's max. That's full high kick gets to straight out in front of me.

Full extension. That's the level of my hamstring tightness. You don't get to know 90 degrees. No, I degrees 75 degrees and that's my high kick so when it comes to like the idea of me doing ballet your kicks are very acute yeah yeah well done no obtuse kicks over here um when it comes to ballet and the flexibility and the body movement like i can synchronize with someone whatever within my limitations right we can go and my legs can go up over the water and this and then this and then this and then this and all we got to do is sync it up it looks bad from the get-go but if we're

in sync it's okay okay but as a ballerina i i mean, I can't pull off a move. Genuine question here, because I don't know the answer, and this is probably super ignorant, but are you a ballerina if you're a boy or a girl? Oh, that's a good question. I believe so. Do you know that, Al? I feel like you would know that.

I thought you just called them ballet dancers if they're male, but I could be wrong. Possibly. And look, do not hear what we know that ballerinos it can't be ballerinos it just seems like maybe the oh the a ballerine bros but people in ballet those people are absolute savages. Agreed. Their athletic ability, their determination, what they have done to their feet.

Have you ever seen a professional ballet dancer's feet? Those things have turned into hobgoblin claws. They have traded their feet for the craft. Is that the equivalent of the MMA fighter with the ears? Yes, the cauliflower ear, yes. Do they use their moves around the house, though? Like, we're talking about these moves we've got. Like, if you're a professional ballet dancer, are you using that whenever you can?

Yeah. Is that how you get into bed? You need a cup that's from high up in the cupboard. Oh, up on the toesies? Let me grab that with my foot. Guys. Oh, we got breaking news we've got it is ballerinos isn't it a ballerino is used in italian for a male dancer who dances principal roles in a ballet company it's a ballerino a ballerino was the linguistic they made sense to me. I get it, right? Yes.

Okay. Well, I am no ballerino. No. I am a swimming dancerino. Okay. All right. I think we're good here. Dan from the website, would you rather forget your anniversary or your wife's birthday?

Oh. Ooh. Easy. Which have you done? Oh, I i've never done either you guys are so big jason is so big on on days and anniversaries and moments and birthday weeks and yeah we we we love to celebrate the occasion so i can't imagine we would have anniversary week no he has a lot of stock in hallmark you make your children do everything? That's like 358 days of the year when it's not their birthday. It's not Christmas.

You take out some of those days. Otherwise, they belong to me. But here, we've talked about this. We do the birthday week thing. But here, we've talked about this. We do the birthday week thing. So if I can forget the birthday, this is a lot of time back in my year. To be clear, during the week leading up to either Jason or his wife's birthday,

the other one is basically responsible for serving. Yeah, servitude is a perfect way to say it. I was going to say basically being their slave. We're a bond servant. We choose to willingly submit to the ideas, wishes, whims, and fancy of the other. And I would love to skip a year. So I can't remember what her birthday is. Do you have those things on lockdown?

Oh, yeah. I know her birthday, her social, our anniversary. I never I don't miss those things, despite my horrific memory. Hmm. My memory is excellent. It is. It truly is excellent. Your memory is. And but but the hole in my memory comes with dates. Really? Yeah. I have you. Let me just have you forgotten either one i've never missed one i have i have definitely had one sneak up on you where it's like oh in two days yeah this is happening uh the wife's the birthday is much easier because that's right around christmas but the anniversary is harder and i had uh i was out at a uh a dinner with some friends years ago, and we actually got into an argument, not a, you know, just a friendly argument, of I couldn't remember the exact date of my wedding. Oh, really? Oh, that's good.

Not just the year, but the date? Yes. Oh, no. And my friend was so confident that he knew what it was. More than you did. Yeah. Thankfully, I ended up on the correct side. But there was definitely a moment of doubt where I'm arguing with my friend.

I'm like, wait, hold on. You know my anniversary and I don't? I got gaslighted for sure. We are like, honestly, the opposite of Jason andiffany when it comes to all big days like we just don't care that much and it's never bothered either of us i will say that with the covid year and dates becoming just mists in the wind i my wife just had a birthday um about a week ago and it i didn't forget it but it was it was close i mean it was like i know it's around here but everything right now is like it's either either early February, late February right now.

Or it's early March, late March. That's as close as I get to knowing what day it is. All right. I'm going to put the three of us on the spot right now. Little bit of dating here. Okay. Gentlemen, we are three days away as of this recording moment from Valentine's Day. I don't know if you're aware of this do either one of you have anything planned right now or any idea of what is happening because mike's

mike's face says no i remembered yesterday okay and what's wild about that it's like sponsors of this show i've i have done sponsor reads yes specifically talking about Valentine's Day and and I have completely forgotten that that well I'm not rapidly not too surprising there's we never do anything for Valentine's Day but now that you mention it I think we should probably like post made some cookies or something oh yeah yeah let's go in on something together here. All right, Charles from Patreon. Would you rather help someone move every Saturday or go to two children's birthday parties every Saturday? Oh, my goodness.

So would I rather live my normal life or have to help people move? One of these you get cake at, at least. You do get cake, but to me this is a question of uh physical warfare because the moving it's tough on the body but the children's birthday parties that is a full mental warfare where like me being around that much noise of yeah there's a sensitization of children yes yes. Over-stimulation. There it is. I can't handle the noise.

And two of them, despite getting... And you're there at least two hours for these parties. You're enduring two of them, and I'm getting fatter because of all the cake? You are getting pretty fat. I have never been at a birthday party that's over in two hours, ever. Oh, so you're saying that was the low side.

That's ridiculous. And I think we can do it. I think we can get it done. I mean, a two-hour party is plenty. But no, I mean, I guess if it's at a location where they've rented it out for an hour, those are the best. That's professional.

That's how you do it. Because you're in and you're out. And it's like, sorry, they're telling us we have to leave. That is comforting for all of your guests when you set it up that way. If you're a good friend, you will include some pizza with the move. Like a good friend plans, you either got pizza or donuts for the Saturday move. I'm sure there's pizza at the birthday parties, too.

I'm just saying, maybe. When's the last time you had to help someone move? Probably about a couple years ago. Yeah, it's been a minute for me. Can you imagine doing that every week? No. Every Saturday? It sounds like your job is to be a mover right that's that's a nightmare um i'm sure it would put me in better shape and i don't want it the other one will just cake makes the shape that cake makes uh i i imagine i would become quite the birthday party treat snob if I was going twice every week. Oh, yeah.

Like, you know, maybe you start a blog, you start ranking these parties, and they didn't have any chips at this one. You call these party favors? Give me a break. Tortilla chips. Three out of ten cupcakes at this one for little Bobby. All right. I will go with the birthday parties, no doubt about it. Yeah.

I can go hide in a corner, browse my phone or something. Can you get lost at a party? Is that okay as a parent? You can get lost at a party. Is that just pretending you're pooping? If it's in a restroom. Exactly right. That's where you have to disappear.

Diarrhea again. With your laptop. You brought your laptop. Do you have an upstairs bathroom? Oh, you do? It's in the master? Okay. And magazines?

What's the magazine situation around here? You mind if I plug in my charger? Okay. All right. Before we get to that's a great question, let's take a quick break. Before we get to that's a great question, let's take a quick break. Spit Wads, I want to thank HelloFresh for feeding me and my family so deliciously because they are awesome. HelloFresh gives you pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door.

You probably know this from listening to hundreds of episodes, but I am a chef. You like to eat, and you like to chef. I like to eat, and I like to chef. It's well said, Mike, but you want to know what I don't like to do? Go to the stupid grocery store. No one likes that. You know what else I don't want to do? What? Find the recipe.

Figure out what to cook. Plan a meal. I just like to do the fun stuff, the cooking and the eating. The cooking and the chefing. The cooking and the chefing. Exactly right. HelloFresh lets me do that. And it's 46% cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store.

Plus, you skip those stupid checkout lines. Check out HelloFresh. You are going to absolutely love it. Everything is delivered right to you. They've got all sorts of plans, family meal plans. You can't go wrong. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers10 and use the code Spitballers10 for 10 free meals, including free shipping.

Once again, that is HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers10 and code Spitballers10 for 10 free meals and free shipping. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. That's a great question. We do have a great draft coming up as well. But first, we have a great question. Brady. Just one?

Well, several. But, I mean, the segment's a singular. Ooh, do we need to change the name? That's a great questions. That's better. That's better. Brady from the website. When on a walk, is it okay to pick up my dog's poop and throw it in a trash can that's not mine when the trash can is by the street?

Okay, so you're not going. You're not walking up the driveway? I would be tempted to do that, too. If the trash can was out front and visible. I'm not opening the back gate and finding your trash can. I'm sure they've got a garbage in their kitchen.

Let me go right in there and throw it away. We are assuming this pickup will be in a bag. Yes. You're not free-handing it. You're not you're not like free handing it bear hand in the dog's herd nobody does that i gotta clean up after this guy okay if nobody does that ever then if you don't bring a bag are you just leaving the poop yes yes i mean i guess that's an obvious you are a monster no look I've done this before. Can you return to the scene of the crime?

So you make a mistake. Yes. Do you go home, get a bag, and come back? That is exactly what you should do. And you should. Yeah, it's 100% what you should do. So if you- Jason.

Oh, no. Jason. What? Are you turd littering? So here's the deal. I have a- He prefers to call it fertilizing. Yes, I'm helping the grass grow we're composting here right um right

on the cement on the asphalt so we have a little green belt right by our house i'll get in everybody um you know it's it's down a block or so and we've got this big green belt we take our dogs there and they play and every now and then they'll go poopsie doozy there and there is a doozy let him keep going just let him keep going it's come it's just that's what came out um it's what the dog said so they have this little they have this little container there with a little garbage can and bags yeah yeah they're trying to you know and i will always go grab a bag put my hand in do the inside out trick okay throw the bag away i'm not gonna leave my dog's poop but when they're out of bags it's on them i mean like i go over there there's no bag what do you want me to do

on them it's on them they say here's a bag and then you know it's like if you go to your friend's house they don't have a toilet it's on them them, you know, in the corner of the house. Like, what do you want me to do? I had to go to the bathroom. You didn't provide me a toilet. You can't be blamed for that. Well, let me let me paint a different picture. You did this to me.

You did this while you're peeing in the corner. You made me do this. Don't look at me. Oh my gosh. Now you're bringing a story to mind that I don't know if I want to tell. That means you're telling it. Story time. I have to admit something.

I have my first. Poops a daisy? I have my first public urination situation. Yes. Yes, yes, yes yes yes yes yes now i feel like i have like an excuse no bathroom no toilet i mean that's a good excuse well okay yes what is this so a funny thing happened oh look at that all right so a funny thing happened and i feel like i could. All right, so a funny thing happened, and I feel like I could defend myself in a court of law, or maybe not. But I had taken my son to the orthodontist,

and this was out in Scottsdale. And I was waiting in the car. It's COVID season, right? Yes. Limited amount of people go in, and my wife took my son in, and I'm just sitting in the car. And I realize I'm far from home, and I really gots to go. Right. Like, like I need to go to the bathroom. Yeah. So I

texted the wife. Well, first I got out and I walked around the complex. There's no open doored restrooms. So due diligence, number one. Okay. Number two, text the wife. I said, is there a restroom inside of the orthodontist office? She says, yes, there is, but it's really packed in here. Okay. The bathroom is packed? The whole office and I assume people going to the bathroom. I didn't want to go congregate. It would be a public health hazard.

So do we call that do-do diligence number two? Do-do diligence number two. I'll be here all day at this point i had to do the i'm walking around the parking lot and i'm going where can i i'm like i need to do this right and i found there's a dumpster like it was like across the way so you climbed in tell me what happened next so i go but there are people other people are walking around the parking lot like i have to i have to do a full three four minute survey of what angles could potentially see me. Dumpster just exposed, or was this a dumpster area?

No, this was a fully exposed dumpster. There was an alleyway behind it. It was all open. The dumpster was the only cover I had. Now, daylight? Full daylight. Full daylight, I don't know. Full daylight to the point where the plan I came up with was this.

And the dumpster's not tall enough to hide me completely. You're tall, man. I'm a tall person. So in other words, I'm going to be, my head's going to be visible where I'm going. You don't squat or duck down a little? No, because I wanted to be able to, I'd rather be surveying who could come up on me than be found out like a dude crouch peeing behind. Excuse me, sir. Don't look at me.

So what I did is I pulled my phone out and I pretended I was talking on the phone behind the dumpster. Hold on. Were you audibly talking like really loud? No, because I was a distance that I could just mouth it. So you were lip syncing a phone conversation? Were you audibly talking like really loud? No, because I was a distance that I could just mouth it. But I. So you were lip syncing a phone conversation. Well, because he wanted to make sure that if people came by, they're like, oh, he's just having a phone conversation behind the dumpster. That's right.

He needed privacy. So he would be on the dumpster. And I was afraid of my posture. So I. And let me just say this. If any of you have peed in public before, you you know it's pretty hard to do if you pretend you're casually leaning on a dumpster so i did the half lean and i'm going half leaning going back and i'm trying not to pee on my shoes and and there are moms in the parking lot with their kids

that could definitely see me no but i'm on the phone nothing to see here and then i'm like man if a camera got me right now i will end up on the internet but man did it feel good wow because i took care of business and my wife's like did you find a restroom and i just said i took care of it i sure did so there you go um and that was i know this was like two weeks ago i say that's that's a recent story very recent yeah my goodness, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Congratulations, spitwads. All right, are we moving forward? The official answer is yes. I will say, I can just speak for myself.

Seal the bag. If it were my garbage can and your dog takes the dump, but you are being a responsible pet owner and you're picking it up, throw it in my garbage can, please, because I would much rather that than just you being one of those cretins that leaves the dog droppings. Would it make a difference if it's empty or full? The trash can or the bag?

Let's assume the bag is full to the brim. If the trash can is empty, that means you're putting this in here and it's going to be there a whole week. It's going to be there a week. I understand. I'm chipping into society. Yeah, that's not bad. Let me paint a different picture, though, real quick,

because I wanted to bring this scenario up. Jason, you're walking your dogs. Okay. Big doozy-poozy or whatever you called it. Poopsy-doozel. Poop-poopsy-doozy. Show the poopsy-doozel some respect. It's right on the sidewalk in front of somebody's house, okay?

Oh, no. Actually, you know what? He scurries up the driveway a couple feet, and he drops it right there. On property. On property. Now, you don't have a bag, but you want to be a good person. Yes. So you go back home to get a bag.

Okay. You return. The poop is missing. I run. I run immediately. I run away as fast as I can. As soon as I can see the driveway is clear, I turn and I go as fast as I can. Okay, I was thinking maybe you'd be knocking on the door going like, was there some poop out there?

Rocky, run! I'm back for it. Rocky, sugar, ketchup! We've been made! All right. Ronnie from Twitter has a great question for us. What complete stranger will you never forget, good or bad? So a complete stranger to you.

Well, I heard about there was this guy behind a dumpster. Never forget that guy. What a phone conversation. My head was on a swivel. Because I was covering 360 degrees, man. I needed to know if you could have snuck up on me anywhere. Not the best spot, but middle of a city, so I feel like I did pretty good.

I remember a stranger. Okay. I remember a stranger from one of our trips. We went on trips around the country. We do the live show for the fantasy footballers, and we went to a Carl's Jr. Oh, man, we've talked about... Oh, Big Gordo!

And there was a manager at this Carl's Jr. And the Carl's Jr. is in the middle of literally nowhere. It's like Carl's Jr., random stranger selling pottery on the street, and then nothing else. That's the town. And I just remember that was the nicest freaking dude ever. That guy was amazing. He took so much passion. I've never, I mean, I know we've told the story before, but I don't know.

It was 50 episodes ago or something. Might have been two. Who knows? Who knows at this point? But I've never seen someone so good at their job when their job was working at Carl's Jr. Yeah. It made me feel happy as a person. Find what you're great at.

Find what you're passionate about. Or if it's not a dream job, do it like it's your dream job and maybe you'll find yours. You know, as soon as we read the question, I was like, oh, okay. What complete stranger will you never forget? All of them. I remember a stranger and I wasn't even there. This was a story that you guys told. And if I remember it correctly, it had to do with travel.

I think you were maybe on the airplane with this feller, but he was just kind of a shattier type of feller. And then he referred to one of you as Squanto Montabon. Oh, yes, that's right. That was me. And he called Jason really short. Yeah, I was Squanto Montabon. What does that even mean? I don't know, but I got called him.

That's true. That's true. Remember him forever. And I remember Big Gordo. I remember these names once people bring them up. The only person that came to mind for me was we were handing out care bags to homeless downtown, and there was a guy who was in a wheelchair, no legs, vet, and we just talked for forever and heard his story.

It was like, man, that dude's had life. He's lived. That guy has had 16 different lives. And so I guess I remember him. Yeah. Yeah, we do meet quite a few people on these trips that we've taken. I remember the one-day bartender at a hotel in Santa Monica. Oh, yeah.

Hugo. Hugo. He was a boss. There's no way this dude's not fired for how much liberties he took with their alcohol supply, but he made his own drinks. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're stopping by the Georgian and Hugo is there, say what's up. Say hello. Say hello.

There you go. Oh, man. All right. Let's go with James from Patreon. If fantasy football were to suddenly stop and the three of you had to immediately create a new podcast where you are an expert at another subject, what profession and subject do you think you could convince the masses to believe you're actually experts in?

Easy. The stock market? The stock market. Yeah. 100% without a doubt it would be a stock market. Bitcoin, crypto, something like that. It would be all encompassing. It would be new school, not old school.

And the thing that I have learned from taking in information from all sorts of different resources, articles, radio, podcast, television, on finance, on stock market market on all these things is that nobody knows nobody knows no they're just saying what they think might happen which is just like fantasy football right or the weather like you we're in the same occupation we we it is it feels very similar you gather as much data as you can you make as educated decision as possible you're not always going to be right but at the end if you win more than you lose it's a good thing and i think we would crush that yeah i that makes sense like i can think of specific things each of us might be individually good at but when you think about all three of us coming together we would love to

speculate on stocks that'd be perfect oh yeah yeah come up with new names for them all not a finance not a financial advisor. Yes. Yeah, you haven't given any advice yet. You're okay. Okay. All right, Laura from the website. Do you know who your wife's celebrity crush was growing up, and do you look like them?

I know my wife's. I know mine, too. I don't know my wife's celebrity crush. I know two of them. Okay. And my wife has had a thing for Orlando Bloom. Okay. I think the question's been answered.

Pirates. Of whether or not I look like him. The answer is no. Yes, identical. The other one was Anderson Cooper. Really? Yeah. Really?

The silver fox, Anderson Cooper. She would always, you know, we didn't need to watch the news that much. That's all I'm saying. Is she watching the news on mute? So those are the two. I don't think I look like either of those people. So far more like if you had to convince me of one of them, I would side on the Anderson Cooper side more than the Orlando Bloom. Oh, man. I don't think you can side on either

here. That's why I'm just saying, if I have to pick between the two. If her crush had been Jesse from Breaking Bad, maybe then I could have pulled it off today. You got some Pinkman going on. At least Orlando Bloom was in a blonde long wig as Legolas. Maybe you throw him in a blonde long wig. What if I went to the mustache?

Doesn't he have a mustache? Doesn't he look like a conquistador all the time? Yeah. But I like to exclusively view Orlando Bloom as Legolas. Yeah. I forget he's in that movie. You forget he's Legolas? Yeah. That's kind of what he's known for. Yeah, it's a little... Alright, who's your

wife's crush? What are we disclosing on the air today? Oh, this is no secret to... Oh, I know who it is. It's Justin Timberlake. Oh, really? Yes. My wife was...

I know a second one for your wife. Oh, hit me. Andy Holloway. Aquaman. Oh, yeah. Jason Momoa. Yeah, but that's a shared crush between the two of us. So Justin Timberlake.

Yeah, Jason Momoa. My wife was big into the boy band when it was in sync. Britney Spears. They were ruling the world. And to be fair, I understand. If my wife left me for Justin Timberlake, I go, yes, that's a bad beat. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. That's a bad beat, but I see what's going on over here.

I get it. Yeah, exactly. Like, I'm really sad, but I understand what's going on over here. I get it. Yeah, exactly. Like, I'm really sad, but I understand. Like, what are you supposed to do? I'm no JT. Because none of us are. No. Freaking Justin Timberlake.

What about you? I genuinely don't know who my wife's celebrity crush was growing up. What about now? Now I know she likes Chris Pratt. She likes the talent and the funny, and so I would say, nailed it! You had a similar body at one point. Yeah, you look like Chris Pratt.

I look like Andy. That's right, from The Office. Parks and Rec. Parks and Rec. And you want to know what the best part is about Andy Dwyer, the tub of funny, as we should call him, is that he gives me great hope because I know that he went from that to like, you know, muscle man superhero. And so someday if I all I need is that giant movie contract that needs me to be a- Sure, you're so close. Also, handsome face.

You need one of those. All right, here it is. It was JTT. I texted my wife. Oh, yeah. JTT. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yeah, team people, king of the year.

And I did have a JTT haircut, the middle part. Yeah, because we all did. Because we all did. Oh, my gosh. My hair was blonde and middle parted and flat i was actually i look like a weirdo man i was a really white hair cute boy like little features bright blue eyes nice hair i i was a really cute boy and then as soon as my teen years hit oh brother oh you did not uh as, glow up? I blew up in the face with acne extraordinaire. Oh, my goodness.

Was that hard for you? Yeah, it was some pretty rough time. There was not enough Accutane in the world. We're glad you made it out. We're here now. All right, before we jump into the draft, one more quick break. SpareWads, too

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Go to harrys.com slash spitballers. harrys.com slash spitballers to redeem your offer today the spitballers draft all right i like this one mike has the first pick we are drafting fictional characters to collect a debt you have look you've loaned some money out to some good friends or they used to be good friends but they've not paid you back and you've you've warned them you said hey i'm gonna send my friends after you they said yeah we're gonna pay you next week but they never do and now your friends they your your posse of four characters have to go out and collect this debt professor x now we didn't make a rule we said uh

we would restrict this to fictional characters that do not have superpowers or magic or uh yeah no no special powers they are they can't even be robots they're human because there are enough fictional characters this would turn into a marvel draft. Yeah, that was the worry. So, Mike, you have the very first pick, and I know it's going to be hard for you in a way. I've got my pick. I've got my number one pick here. All right. But I just want to say, like, when I was trying to think about this,

the struggle was, yeah, I mean, you can find intimidating bad guys, but you can also find, like, intimidating good guys who... 100%. Yeah. Like, that would be great, but you can also find intimidating good guys. 100%. That would be great, but how good at debt collecting would they actually be? But this character that I am drafting first, he has been on both the dark side and I guess he's kind of on the light side now. He terrifies all members of the underbelly of society. He is like a boogeyman. In fact, they call him Baba Yaga. And I am going to take John Wick.

Oh, no. Yeah, baby. I knew that would be your first pick. I knew it. I was pretty sure that was your first pick, too. So John Wick. It would have been my first pick. Would it have been your first pick. I knew it. Yes. I was pretty sure that was your first pick, too. Yeah. So John Wick. It would have been my first pick. Would it have been your first pick?

No. Any chance I have to draft John Wick, I'm going to do it. Yeah. No, it makes sense. So John Wick, taking care of business. Yes. TCB. Oh, yeah.

And you're right. I mean, here's the thing. If you're kind of the hero bad guy or hero debt collector, you do know that you're going to make it through the end of the movie. I mean, the bad guys, they get the job done, but then they probably go down at the end. Yeah, but that's just dumb movie garbage. That's true. We've seen – I mean, because before we changed the rules,

it modified them. We were talking about, well, then how do you not take the Terminator with the first pick? Right. And I was going to argue that, give me the T-1000. Oh, over the T-800? I get that the movie had to kill him off at the end, but we all know that the T-1000 would have taken the Terminator out without a problem.

You would have taken the T-1000 over the T-800? Yeah. With those ears? That's ridiculous. He's got an ear problem? problem oh his ears are so stupid Arnold Arnold Schwarzenegger's where it's at I'm getting I would have taken the 800 over the 1000 but I get it Jason you are up as if just as if like the difference between the Terminator and the T-1000 is going to you know he wouldn't the T-800 wouldn't have gotten the debt, but once he saw the liquid metal,

he coughed up that dough. All right. You're up, Jay. I am up, and I had one on my list. It was Wick. You only had one? No, I've got 12. I've got 12, but the order now gets a little nebulous.

I'm going to go with someone that... Look, he always gets it done he always gets the job done okay um and he's not always going to have to shoot the place up like john wick john wick really has one skill give me the money or else i'm gonna kill you um my guy can smooth talk his way oh my guy can convince you to give the money. My guy you know, now don't get me wrong things go south he gonna kill you. Okay, so at the end of the day

you're gonna have a martini with my guy. It's gonna be shaken not stirred. He's on my list. Give me Mr. Bond, James Bond he's gonna collect my debt. I have no worries at all. He may get distracted. Yeah. But he'll come back with my money. He's no worries at all. He may get distracted. Yeah.

But he'll come back with my money. He's got some vices. He's got some vices. He may be a longer path, but you'll get your money eventually. I got the debt from your friend and also his wife. He is exactly the guy where I was thinking about. He's on my list. But he's a good guy. Is James Bond really going to be like,

say, hey, James, Frank down the street. He thought he had a hot bet. He borrowed 10K from me. He's in too deep. I need you to go get that money. Is James Bond really going to take his time to go do that? Yeah, because I'm not collecting bad debts. I'm not a mob boss saying he's running a corner shop on my turf,

and you need to go get the money. What did they borrow the money? Yeah, for what, though? College education. College education. I help this kid go to school. Braces. Braces, and he's having some car problems.

Lent him some money. It's time to pay up. All right, so you're going James Bond. I'm actually kind of happy to be at the turn here, like to get two picks in a row, because I think there are a lot of really good picks. There are. And hopefully the two of them combined might stand to fight against James Bond or John Wick.

Well, one of them, I'm going to go with another John right away. And this is the one that I thought could have been at the top of your list, Mike. Yeah, I thought, yes. Other than John Wick. And that is John McClain. No, he's not coming back to you, Mike. I'm so happy that you took him, because I wanted to make sure it didn't get to Mike. Yeah, John McClain. I'm so happy that you took him because I wanted to make sure it didn't get to Mike. Yeah, John McClane.

I had the dreams. So, I mean, when you think about somebody that's going to go to bat for you, John McClane is going to do everything. He'll walk on glass for me. He will go get that money back. He will take care of business. So I'm going to go with him first.

John Wick, John Bond, John McClane. Got it. John Bond. And now that I can't select you know Wolverine or Luke Skywalker or Robocop Robocop would get I figured he'd take care of that oh he's taking the bond money back oh yeah he got he got the money right away the and then he and then he killed the person for no reason. Just to be graphically violent. Now this is tough, because I was 100% locked in on a certain person,

but now I'm having the thought that maybe, just maybe, it comes back to me. Oh, you're going to play the draft. And I don't think this other guy will, so I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to take a gamble. I'm going to write it down over here so I can see if I win the gamble. I'm going to go with Jason Bourne. He's on my list.

Resourceful. He can take care of you. He handles the gun. He can fight you. He doesn't have to bring the gun. He can send a message by breaking your leg first and then come back with the gun. He'd get your money. I didn't have him on my list because I wasn't

sure if he was considered to have a superpower or not. What was that? Treadstone? Yeah. Blackstone? Was it Blackstone? I don't remember. It's been a long time. Something stone. We'll allow it. Now we'll see if my gamble pays off. Jason,

you're back up. All right. But now you're hunting for maybe who I'm... No, no, no, no. I know I'm going here because I'm going in a world that you would think we don't get to draft from because of the superpowers or the force and the magic and all that stuff. But this guy don't really have it. This guy's just... Oh, don't do this to me. This guy's just don't do this this guy's

just an awesome dude out there taking and he's used to collecting debt and having problems and getting himself out of trouble go with han solo oh solo baby okay yeah he's gonna get no absolutely he has no magical powers he's just a dude just awesome i mean he might have a blaster but yeah we're not in this situation, he won't. Okay, give him a gun. I'm sure it works the same. Interesting. I didn't think about trying to...

Like, I eliminated universes based on that. You could have gone with Jabba the Hutt. I don't think he has any special powers either. Not a human, but no superpowers. Mike, you are back on the clock. All right. I love... Al Borland wrote down Hans Solo

like it's Hans Gruber over here. You ever seen Star Wars? Isn't this the second time? This happened before. The same thing with Han Solo? Apparently. I thought I could... Hans Gruber.

Hans Booby. All right. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Jeremy. All right. Ear back up, Mike. You get two picks.

Yep. So I need some muscle. Uh-oh. I need someone who is extremely strong. Uh-oh. And I understand that, well, I guess he did theoretically come back. But this guy is actually, I think, I believe factually he is considered the strongest man in the world. I think he's won some competitions, but I will be taking the mountain from Game of Thrones. Oh, that's a good pick.

Because that guy is going to be, he's not going to have to. He's a load. He will not have to harm you because he will just, I'll stand there with him. Okay. Say, Frank, I really need that money back. He probably knocks on the door. The door may fall off from him knocking. And then somebody just hands him the money.

He walks away. He doesn't do nothing. It's easy peasy. He has the same amount of lines collecting a debt that he had in Game of Thrones, which is nothing. That's great. That's a good pick great i only had movies in my mind i didn't think about tv shows but obviously fictional characters are fictional characters all right and i have my guess of who andy wrote down so i'm gonna write down who i think oh that you're not gonna them. I am not because I have someone

that I want to make sure that I get on my list because not only is she incredibly BA, she knows she can handle any weapon you give her. She is extremely resourceful. I know exactly where he's going. If you actually eliminated universes, you would have forgotten about this person who was in the Terminator but does not have Terminator problems.

I will take Sarah Connor. Oh, okay. Have you seen T2? Oh, yeah. That lady was not letting anybody. No, that's a good pick. Anybody take her son out. But she was fighting for the life of her son, not collecting 100 bucks.

You know what I mean? Jason, I don't lend out $100. I lend out hundreds of thousands of dollars brooks money over here all right that's a good pick yeah that's a good pick i saw her on a lot of lists of uh the yeah because she's have you seen uh i just watched the new one the newest one i have not seen that one uh i was annihilation i don't remember whatever but it But it was the Terminator. Everyone's really excited. She's back in it. Yeah, she's back and Arnold is back. How's Grandma Sarah

Connor doing? It's a little rough around the edges. Is that the one you just drafted? No. Grandma Connor? Grandma Connor. Nope. I went with T2 Sarah Connor. Alright, Sarah Connor. Not a bad pick at all. Jason, you are back up. I realized something about my pick that I want to get to me I don't think it's eligible

oh awesome then I'm wrong Superman I'm gonna try to pick it but we'll see alright we'll try to not let you alright I've got a lot of names here that I wanted but they're just not as fun I want to go with a fun

name yeah I want to go with Roger Rabbit got it I'm to go with a fun name. Yeah. Roger Rabbit. Got it. I'm going to go with Doc Holliday. I'm your Huckleberry. He's going to come out here with some six shooters. Now that's, okay, so that is the exact same problem with my pick, which is that that's a real person. So it's not a fictional character,

so I thought maybe I wouldn't be allowed to have him. Oh, that's a good point. Because Doc Holliday exists. Yeah, I was going to put Chuck Norris down, but then I was like, he's a real dude. That's true. All right. Well, all right. I'll throw him out.

I'll throw him out. It's a good pick, but it's not a fictional character. Walker Texas Ranger is available, and that's just Chuck Norris. There's no acting in that show. He told me. Well, now I can say, yeah. Now I can say William Wallace was the guy that I was going to say. Oh, he's on my list.

But he's the same story. He was a historical character. He does not count. All right. So Doc Holliday, William Wallace. I knew you put a W down. They are. They are gone.

Oh, man. I don't know if this one is fictional or not. You guys have to tell me. Teach me my history. The lines have become blurry for Jason. The lines have become blurry. Ronald Reagan. Wait, was he real?

I thought this was just a lot of... All right, Maximus. No. Maximus. No. From Gladiator. Decimus Meridius. Yeah, baby.

Oh, I thought that was a shoo-in for my last hit. Husband to a murder wife for my last husband to a murder wife yeah father to a murdered son are you not entertained and i will have my vengeance oh man that that is disappointing because that is stolen directly from my next pick oh fantastic so and if i let you take stupid doc holiday i could have had maximus i believe he's fictional yeah yeah all right and it look if he's real, I don't know. Yeah, it's good enough. Alright, so

there are a couple ways to think. I have two picks left, right? Right here. You have the hero that can go get it done. But you have intimidation. The Mountain's not a good guy. No. He's a bad dude. I'm gonna go with Oh, he's a man. Look, don't insult my man. He's not a good guy. No. He's a bad dude. I'm going to go with. He's a man. Look, don't insult my man.

He's just a man for hire. Okay, but he's a bad dude for hire. Look, he's got to pay his rent, too. You know what he doesn't have? A moral compass. All right. I'm going to go with one that is in the Jason Bourne, John McClane side of things. Okay.

And I'll start with that, and that is Brian Mills. Oh, yeah. From Taken. So Liam Neeson from Taken. He is on my list, and he would have been like a last round pick. I will get my money. But you don't know who Brian Mills is. Because the name power of Brian Mills is 0.0. Well, that's why I think we need to be very careful when we post this poll.

We just need to put the names of them. People understand that it's Liam Neeson in Taken. Just the names. Names only. Names only. Well, look, I'm going to go away. I'm not going to win. We know that from history.

So I'm going to go with who I think jumps out as the scariest guy to come collect a debt that's possible. Get those debts, man. And I don't know if either of you have seen the movie, but I'm taking Anton from No Country for Old Men. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen it. Oh, with his little pressure gun?

With his little pressure gun. And that face, that is one of the scariest movie characters that I've ever seen in my entire life. The scene where he, I believe, it's been so long since I've seen it, but he's in like a gas station and deciding you have no idea if he's going to pay the attendant or if he's just going to pop a bolt in his face. Yeah, Javier Bardem plays that character, and it's Anton from No Country for Old Men.

That character is fabulous. That character is a once-in-a-lifetime type of character. And it's Anton from No Country for Old Men. That character is fabulous. That character is a once-in-a-lifetime type of character. I have not seen the movie, but I clearly know who the character is. You should see that movie. Yes, I should. That's one I missed. But I've seen enough clips.

Anyway, he's going to get my money and more. Yeah, he probably will. He's going to bring back some more. He will. All right. I'm between two characters here, and one of them, they're the same exact actor. And in one of these two movies, this guy played a debt collector.

And I don't think you realize that this character was a debt collector. So it's like, what fictional character do you want to collect your debt? I don't know. The one who's a debt collector? I would imagine is pretty good at it. But I'm not going gonna take that version of this actor because amelio i'm not gonna take the version goldberg of this actor because if he got in a fight despite the fact that he is a boxer if he got in a fight with john rambo okay

john rambo winning that fight yeah over rocky who was a debt collector so i am rocky was a debt collector rocky was a debt collector but here's am taking. Rocky was a debt collector? Rocky was a debt collector. But here's the problem. I did a little research. And he was like, he wouldn't fight for debts. He wouldn't break the guy's fingers. He was a good guy. He took like half the money in one of the situations. I'm like, I want all my money.

You could just call him on the phone and say, you owe us some money. Yeah, I want all my money. So I'm going to get Rambo down there. Either you pay me today or I'm calling you back tomorrow. Right. So yeah, Rambo. Rambo is my pick. And I know how well John names do here, so John Rambo.

All right. Oh, man. I am torn between two names. One I think would be far more effective, and the other one is just really fun. Oh, man. Curse these polls. Draft with your heart. Fortnite.

Nope. I will take the guy who is far more effective at getting me my debts back. Ethan Hunt. I will take Ethan Hunt from the Mission Impossible series because he doesn't have to be Ethan Hunt. He could be grandma from down the street. Give me my money back. And then takes the mascot. Yeah, sucker.

Surprise. It's me. And now I get to run. That's what I do. I'm Tom Drew. When he gets the debt back, do some doves fly out? That's only in part two. That's only if John Woo is involved.

Here's the thing. You also know that the only way he's going to get the debt is by breaking into the vault. That's fine. Which is highly secured and protected. But he'll get there. I drafted James Bond with my first pick, and this is, I don't know. John Wick. Poor man's James Bond.

The Mountain, Sarah Connor, and Ethan Hunt for Mike. James Bond, Han Solo, Maximus from Gladiator, and Rambo. And I went John McClane, Jason Bourne, Brian Mills, and Anton Sugar. Sugar. Anton from No Country for Old Men. The only way that I accept your comment without extreme verbal sparring here is because the Daniel Craig version of James Bond, that dude feels pretty serious. Yeah. As much as I like James Bond, all the other ones like-

Pierce Brosnan? Yeah, like Pierce Brosnan. In fairness- I love, like Goldeneye's great, but is Pierce Brosnan- In fairness to I love, like, Goldeneye's great. Yeah. But is Pierce Brosnan Sean Connery? Yeah. To me, I was 100% drafting, yeah, the awesome, the Daniel Craig. The Daniel Craig version? Yeah, the name, just in case anyone was curious.

And I thought you wrote it down. Yeah. Because I saw the W. Yeah. I thought you were going to go with Walter White. Oh, my gosh. That's a good pick. I was torn between him and Ethan.

No, it was two Ws. It was William Wallace. I had three names on my list undrafted. I had Captain Jack Sparrow. Oh, he knows how to steal the money. He's not giving you that money. That's true. He is taking it, but he's not giving it to you.

I didn't collect that. Aragorn, because he's just a regular dude. No special powers. And Jango, Unchained. I mean, he would get that money. Yes, he would. I couldn't help but think of Alonzo Harris, which was Denzel's character in Training Day. For sure.

As well. That movie was great. I didn't know you liked to get wet. All right. Do you have anybody else on your list, Mike? I had- Oh, Tony Montana. I have him too. Say hello to my little friend. I had him on here. to get wet all right do you uh you have anybody else on your list mike uh i had oh tony montana i have him too say hello to my little friend i i had him on here and i i chose not to draft him

because i believe in the comic book version he kind of has a bit of a superpower but in the movie version bane had no powers uh in the dark knight rises but but that's pretty good but i think like in the comic he he pumps himself full of venom and then he gets really strong yeah uh so i didn't want to deal with that and then i didn't know if he had superpowers but conan the barbarian i think i think he's just a barbarian he's just i think he's just a barbarian a plain old run-of-the-mill a barbarian. I think he's just a plain old run-of-the-mill barbarian. I wanted to try to do some draft where I draft all one

actor. Bruce Willis could have done it. Arnold could have done it too. Stallone could have done it. Oh, the eraser? Keanu could have done it. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Yeah, get Johnny Utah in there. What did we learn today? Oh, we

all know what we learned today. We learned that Andy peed behind a dumpster. We learned when you gotta go, you gotta go. I learned that Mike has a very, very special house-only ballet move. Yes. I learned that a male ballerina is a ballerino. That's right. That is right. A ballerino. I'm so smart. How do you male ballerina is a ballerino. That's right. That is right.

A ballerino. I'm so smart. How do you spell ballerino? That's the real question. That's for another segment. Put it on highway to spell. All right. That'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers.

Thanks for listening in. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Hey, it's Andy. The show's over. Listen, I've got... Well, see, that's the right sound because I got a message from Al Borland.

He didn't have the heart to come and tell you himself, but he needs your help. He needs ideas for the show. He needs to know that you're behind him. Take his broken wings. So, look, he wanted me to come and say a few words at the end of the show. First, thanks for listening.

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