Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 138: Puppy Problems & The Best Food Pairings - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

On this episode, we discuss how to figure out which eye is your dominant eye. We also discuss puppies chewing & pooing. Then, we jump into a round of “Jason Explains” & “I’ve Got Issues”. We polish off this show with a draft of the best food pairings. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

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It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. That doesn't make it better at the end. Well, I didn't need to make greatness better, Andy. I just came with greatness and stayed there. Welcome in. Look, welcome to the Spibular's podcast. Jason, it started okay. It was your best start in a while.

And then it honestly felt like you were strutting. I was strutting. I could see on the sidewalk and then your your toe caught a lip of a raised sidewalk and you tripped but i did the roll and then you but then you try to do like the jog of no i i i didn't trip certainly don't pay no attention to that floof was there a floof in there yeah that was in the that was in the aikido roll i mean i perfect execution then i pop up landed, stuck it on two feet. I feel like the spit wads are going to have my back here. They're going to be like, honestly, one of the best.

One of the best that Jason has done in a long time. No, no, no. It was great. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Would you rather, Jason explains, I've got issues, a draft on today's show. It's going to be jam-packed with wonder jason what's going on making an eye we realized we heard different things okay we you guys heard one scat i heard a different scat and it was awesome we're back to the scat again i never left i i might still

be on the ground just rolling just well but like what kind of five somersaults aikido an aikido roll i'm not saying you're wrong i'm just saying i don't i don't know that that phrase is that a shoulder roll a sushi yeah you uh that would be a delicious sushi roll um is it a shoulder roll or is it a roll of the somersault no it's a shoulder roll is there a point where when you're tripping and you're trying to do the roll that you just pretend like you meant to be on the ground is that is there a point where you oh no i meant to be down here yeah i mean you you have to lean in wherever you are and whatever you do that's what you meant to do i would encourage everybody to go to spitballers well if we're going to stay on the scat it ended with that it ended with a yeah that's what i'm

saying the laughing was him jogging after he had tripped like it was making everything better but i looked like a real jogger i mean i i had my joggers on 138 episodes 138 episodes do you do you fear the scat the same or more than when we started? No, I mean, when we started, I feared it very, very, very much. So I would say more, definitely. Scat or spiders? That's not close. I will scat in front of the Super Bowl crowd.

I will, right after the National Anthem, Lady Gaga's crushing it, and I got to go out and I got to scat. Bring it on. I don't want me no spiders. Spitballerspod.com if you want to learn how to support the show, be an official Spitwad. You can do so over there at spitballerspod.com.

YouTube.com slash spitballers to watch the show at Spitballers Pod on Twitter. Let's get this thing going. Would you rather. All right, Sam, from the website, would you rather have a puppy that is already potty trained but chews everything up or have a puppy that doesn't chew on anything but constantly goes potty inside the house okay so two big puppy problems which one is worse as a simple question i feel like this was a lot of words long-winded i mean like this is like a what's worse a puppy that chews or a puppy

that goes potty in the house but i mean I mean, I thank you for your support and your question. Thanks, Sam. It's important. You have a new puppy. Mm-hmm. And you haven't been a full-time dog person. Not recently, no. We had a dog about 10 years ago for a few years.

That's what I mean. You had a pretty large gap. Oh, yeah. We had a dog about 10 years ago for a few years. That's what I mean. You had a pretty large gap. Oh, yeah. You're fresh. I would say a decade, that's a re-entry into the dog life. How is dog life going? Do you have a potty problem? Do you have some chewing problems?

What's going on over in the Holloway house? Holloway house. Yeah, it's been very interesting because he came into our house rather reserved as a puppy. And we had a couple accidents, very small, mostly potty trained right away. He's become more mischievous now. Because I think I hear the three day, three week, three month. Those are like kind of some thresholds for puppies when they get into your house. So like, you know, after three days, he changed a changed a little bit and then after three weeks he's starting to feel

comfortable like he's you you know you open the wrong door he's gonna dart and grab he doesn't care what he grabs he grabs something he just turns around and runs the other way you can't take the dog out of the puppy no as they say is that what they say that you can take the puppy out of the dog uh you can't take the dog out the puppy what the the thing is is he is not a destructive chewer he'll grab uh uh you know sandal or a shoe or a something he shouldn't have but it's mischievous and he doesn't sit there and you don't walk in and lose something valuable for a long period of time. So I feel like I would rather have the chewing because I haven't experienced massive destructive chewing. Now, Jason, I feel like you have. Oh, yeah. I mean, so like the destructive chewing, thankfully, it's not anything of value. They've

never chewed on shoes. They've never chewed on our couch, our stuff. They haven't chewed on the couch or walls. I've seen dogs. What are they chewing on? Their food. They're chewing on our food and garbage. Like this is if you leave something on the counter, they would never, never in a million years. If we're in the room or downstairs, they know better.

They're really smart, well-behaved dogs. But if you leave and you didn't put that loaf of bread away, you just wrap it back up and that's on the counter. Oh, that's gone. You say bye bye. And the problem is as they do this and and and recently we had that for the first time ever they got stuff out of the pantry this wasn't like a we left it on wait is this jurassic park style did they get the did they open up the door sugar can open the door sugar can absolutely your dog knows how to open a door 100 we have the lever

handles um and you know we need to replace them with knobs or something because she can open every single door in our house all his dogs walk on two feet too so we've trained them well um and like their father they love to eat they love the pantry the pantry is their favorite room of the house but yeah we had um you know those jack link sausages okay so at least she's making good choices in there oh yeah i mean she knows what she's going after right but we we put it like in this box that was down low in the pantry and huge mistake but here's a real problem with the chewing for us it's not destructive from a value standpoint but at the end of all of it if i haven't been in my backyard

in a week and then i go out to the backyard i'm like what happened out here because over the course of time they've just shredded up a bag of something and there's a billion little pieces everywhere i feel like that's worse than a than a piece of poop I gotta pick up and this question is specific to puppies so I feel like puppies got good poop yeah but my point is that they're always gonna get potty trained I've never seen a dog that just

never got potty trained you know what I mean like they picked up bad habits and then they're 12 years old and still crapping inside when they're there are but there are dogs that while they're potty trained there are dogs that have the excitement pee. I know that my parents have struggled with it.

We all got that. Who doesn't have a little couple dribbles. A couple drops of pee come out when you're laughing and having a good time. This is not a couple drops though. There's a line. This is a piddle. it's a piddle paddle mike you're not gonna catch what is your carpeted house man uh as as the the person as the residence janitor of the house when when the dog goes in the house this this is a this is a dad issue i will take the chewer so i can lighten the load

on me cleaning up yeah literally dog yeah he's in dog pee which i've cleaned up plenty in my life let me just for the record state that uh i will take either of these two pooping in the house or chewing in the house over dogs that eat poop out of each other's butts because that that's what why we had growing up and that was a couple of beagles that's not a breed i really want anymore no i always tell my dogs don't eat poop you know it's it's not good for you it's not good for your teeth not good for any part of you um but please eat all the paper you want just you guys love paper um i'm definitely taking the poop and pee in the house because I think eventually that dog will grow out of it. It'll be fine.

I don't want them to start the habit of chewing. They're going to grow out of the chewing, too. And this is on your carpet, too. You don't just get a little quick, quicker picker-upper. This is not a tile. You're saying I can't have a hardwood-floored house like I have? I mean, come on. You don't have any carpet? Maybe upstairs. Okay, there's poop on it now.

Maybe I'll put a baby gate. Alright. That has been one of our strategies too. We bought like three baby gates and we block off certain parts of the house and it's fabulous because then less things to eat. Alright, Chase from the website. Would you rather always wear an eye patch over your dominant eye

or always wear an ear plug in one ear? Okay, well, I got to ask this question. The dominant eye thing? Yeah, I'm sure it's probably true, but do you guys have any idea which one is your dominant eye? I mean, I'm right-handed, so I'm right-footed. I imagine it's my right eye, but I have no idea. How do you check this?

I have to believe that for most people... I know how you check it. Do this. Put your finger in front of your face. Okay? And then close one eye. You can do this with us at home. Do it while you're driving. Put your finger in front of your face, okay? Now close one eye, and close the other eye.

I can't see anything. Not at the same time. Mike. Oh, I was. I mean, I was with Mike. I was like, okay. Okay. Everybody close.

Everybody close your left eye. Okay. Open and close your left eye. Does your finger move? Yeah, but it moves both times. No, no matter which. So here's a better way to do it. Make a triangle with your hands.

What? Like an Illuminati triangle? You don't need to interrupt me, Al. I had it on lockdown. Then pick an object in the distance and center it. Keep both eyes open. Center that object in your triangle and then alternate eyes. And if it stays centered, that's your dominant eye.

Exactly. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, interesting. So my right eye is my dominant eye because it stays the same. My right eye is my dominant eye. Dude, we have a dominant eye? Yeah. Oh, interesting. So my right eye is my dominant eye because it stays the same. My right eye is my dominant eye. Dude, we have a dominant eye? Yeah.

The finger thing was going to work too. Did you know? It didn't move at all. The single finger didn't change at all for either eye. But the triangle thing was magical. I think you should try the finger thing again later when you're alone. Is this something you knew, Andy, that we have a dominant eye? Yes. That's why I had you do the finger thing. But that test sucks. That's why something you knew, Andy, that we have a dominant eye? Yes, that's why I had you do

the finger thing. But that test sucks. That's why you had me do a test that doesn't work? It works. Your finger test told me that both of my eyes are equally dominant. The triangle test told me that my right eye is dominant. It was closed. This is not what this is about.

Would you rather always wear an eye patch over your dominant eye? Now, I don't know why I care about which eye because i don't think having the dominant eye doesn't give you more power do you got better depth perception in that eye because you have a triangle that lines up so i have a personal problem and this is not like a lot more than one race um But I have a bad eye. Like a legitimately... Is it your dominant eye? No, thank goodness it is not. I mean, I have a dominant eye, which is my left eye.

And that was before knowing that I had a dominant eye, which is also my left eye. Because years ago, I had this... I don't know what happened. It was some disease that got named, but I don't remember it. Where fluid leaks in front of my eyes.

That's called crying, Jason. And it starts leaking out, and it makes me feel real sad. Like when I'm watching a sad movie? Yeah. My disease keeps popping up. My disease pops up every time. I'm leaking again. So, yeah, I don't know if you guys have experienced that.

Cryers are people too. I've cried. I've cried before a lot. And I can't read as well through the tears. But no, there was fluid that leaks like into the front of my lens. Do I remember this? Was this back in the game design days? Yep, this was back in the broken bulb days.

Yeah, I remember you having a problem. They said it would go away in like six six months and it took two years to go away but ever since then my right eye like is blurry like when i get perfect lens correction it sounds like it didn't go away i feel like it's like it's like i believe it's like scar tissue you know where it's like it's healed but there's ramifications left over i got breaking news for you what do you call uh one of the the eye doctors what are they called an ophthalmologist yeah they're pretend because their only advice their only advice to any issue is that it will eventually go away yeah that that should clear up at some point in time oh man get bodied you knowometrists.

Do you know how many times I've heard that? People tell me, I've never heard somebody go, yeah, I got an eye issue. I went in, and then they fixed it. It's always like, yeah, it'll go away in a couple years. To be fair, when I was growing up in high school, I took a football right to one of my eyes. Okay.

And I had floaters. Yeah, oh, yeah, I've been there. There's a big honking floaters where like yeah oh yeah i've been there there's a big honking floaters in my vision what'd he say went to went to the ophthalmologist and like yeah this this should just this is nothing you'll feel better soon by the way it's a 200 copay we'll see you on that and we're gonna need to see you in six months to make sure it cleared up to make sure it's still going to be going away soon. Yeah, no, that's true. They either get you glasses or LASIK or just wait it out.

We can't really do anything with eyes. I'm sorry, ophthalmologist. I'm sure you do other stuff. I know you blow air into my eyes. They pop air in your eye. Man, I hated that as a kid. More than anything. Do you like this or do you dislike when i do this stare at the balloon no i don't like that okay i'm gonna write that down

his eyes don't respond well to high speed air yeah we did those tests they suck i bet you skipped them because you're so afraid i can't do them like i have to oh that's right i have to literally no joke not like oh i've got to sit on my hands no like i have to literally get up off my butt so that i can put my hand under it and sit down because i will whack the person's hand away like sometimes if it's the balloon thing that's that one's okay but like there's a handheld glaucoma test where they come and they get it right by your eye and it shoots air. And I can't let, I'm like, no, you're not allowed. You're not allowed at my eye.

This is my private space. And I literally hit them away. Like my arm hits their arm and says no. And I have to, and then I apologize for myself. I'm like, I am so sorry. I don't know why he's doing this. Jason can't get LASIK because he's so sensitive about his eyes. Unfortunately, that is half true.

I am very sensitive about my eyes. To be fair, so Andy has LASIK. I had LASIK as well after I graduated college. I don't know what your story of your LASIK was, Andy, but I, so the operation, they put this, essentially they put something on your eye that keeps it open and it suctions really, really, really hard to the point of. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable it's uncomfortable painful

and i don't know what what other people experience but i had mine and my vision just started to cone in until it was just absolute darkness and i'm laying there going i've made a terrible mistake this is how i die i'm dead i'm never seeing again uh and but but everything turned out okay and actually so uh i will give this piece of advice if you're gonna go and get lasik don't do it when your favorite sports team is in the playoffs uh because the phoenix suns had a playoff game that night against the San Antonio Spurs. And you couldn't watch it. Oh, I watched it.

I watched it. But it was incredibly painful. Each time I had to open up my eyes to watch. Mike, did you say that there was something that suctioned your eyeball? Yes. Yes. Okay, I thought you said that. And that was... That really hurts my feelings right now.

I couldn't do LASIK. And they said I literally couldn't do it because the size of my cornea or something. Your corneas are huge. Yeah. No, they're too small. I needed bigger corneas or whatever is in the front of your – I don't know. Andy, did you hear that? A little cornucopia over here.

I'm super happy now that I can't get it because that sounds like a nightmare where I will leave arrested for fighting the doctor. They give you a Xanax beforehand. You're fine. You'll be fine. That is true. I'm going to need a horse tranquilizer over here. Get this, guys. Is this gorilla grade over there?

All right. All right. What was the question um what was the question i was the question i i bet your ear plug uh yeah ear plug i want depth perception i want to play sports i don't mind if i don't hear you as well it's not just here i've i've never had i've never had to actually experience full eye injury where i only have one of them, but I have had many bouts of one ear just fully plugged and it is, it is horrendous. Like it's, it's painful. You you're, you're discombobulated all the time that Jason, have you ever had a bad ear problem? Yeah. I mean, I know what you're

talking about when one ear is plugged, it's's an it's an absolute nightmare and everything sounds weird and you have to like turn to hear people but at the same time because of my right eye problem like i i'm just blind if you cover up my other my other eye so give me the terrible hearing i i choose you fair enough dylan from the web website uh would you rather wear wet socks on your feet 24 7? No. This next one better be bad. And that's for a year. So you wear them 24 7 for a year. So gross.

Or dry socks on your hands for a whole year. Look, at the end of this experiment, I would like to have my feet. That's my goal. Well, let's presume you don't rot away. Yeah, you have to.

It's the discomfort of the wet sock. You have wet socks 24-7, but at the end, you're just pruney. Okay, all right. So there's no gangrene. I'm not having things amputated. Okay, that makes this a legitimate question. A very legitimate question. Because what are you going to do with socks on your hand?

Not a lot. You're not thumb wrestling, that's for sure. That's your biggest concern? Well, I'm just saying it's impossible. One, two, three, four. I declare I can't play this thumb more. You aren't thumb wrestling. You can still play flinch, though, where you slap people on the hands.

What else do you use your thumbs for, Jason, other than thumb wrestling? That's the predominant thumb usage around the Morehouse. It would be embarrassing. I mean, I guess it would be embarrassing either way if you're walking in a room and it... Oh, man. You can hide that. I can't live with... Okay, let me phrase this as a question.

You guys go in the bathroom. You're getting ready. You have showered. You're ready for the bathroom. You're getting ready. You have showered. You're ready for the day. You go in your bathroom with socks on. You step on just a little bit of water, enough that it makes your sock wet like a droplet. Do you move on and say that will dry quickly,

or do you change your socks immediately? The droplet matters here. It would have to be one drop. One drop, I might let it go. If it's one spot, like a little circle on the bottom, I would let it go. If I stepped onto a wet towel and the bottom of my foot got wet, that's change socks or die. Does it matter if it's in the toe region or the heel I mean, so I would...

Does it matter if it's in the toe region or the heel region? No, I don't think so because I just think it'll dry, but I don't think it'll dry if it's the whole thing. Can we all agree that a wet towel on the ground is the grossest thing in the entire world?

Can we agree on that? It's pretty bad. I feel like there's a lot grosser things. There's a lot grosser things. It's supposed to be clean. It should be off the ground. There's a lot of things to be clean. It should be off the ground. Well, not if you use it to, I don't know, soak up a spill. Okay.

Well, that's not your bath towel. I'm talking about a bath towel on the ground. So that's a thing for you. That bothers you. I think it's egregious. Is there a lot of towels on the floor in your house? Not for me. Yeah, I was going to say.

Not for me. It sounds like that's a class C felony in the Holloway household. I was looking for a lot more support there, considering Mike likes to clean. He can't even step on a carpet in a bathroom. Oh, my goodness gracious. Now, when you're talking about a wet towel, are you talking about a towel post shower wet towel are you talking about a towel post shower

or are you talking about a towel I'm talking about a towel post shower that has now been thrown under the ground which in my opinion is now absorbing whatever's on the ground into the towel because it's wet not a big deal to me at all it's damp that's not a wet towel

that's a towel that's dried a little water off of the body. But then when you go to use it next time, it's going to be damp still because you left it on the ground. I can tell you. If you leave it there. Yeah, I can tell you that if I reuse a towel. We're not talking about temporary placement here. We're talking about its own base.

Like, you know, look, I've thrown a towel on the ground and needed to find a towel and grabbed it off the ground i have never is unacceptable to use a wet towel to dry yourself that is you ever been backed into it though where you did the double you did the double shower that day and you you hung it up and when you went to grab it you're like oh my gosh this is moist been backed into it i've been back usually when i'm backed into it is this it's it starts like this that's our cry in our household when we forget a towel and then my kid brings me a towel and i say thank you and it's a towel they just used the shower and so now i've got a wet towel i'm like this isn't help help help this is this is shame, shame. They bring you their wet towel? Yes, that has happened. You have some jerk kids. Right?

No, I've got wonderful kids, but they don't understand that a cry for a towel is a cry for a dry towel. Is help, help, help always towel related or is that just a universe? No, toilet paper is probably the superseding issue is that three or is that four helps no it's always three it's a help help help okay um but it's always related to some body then how do you know what to bring if people are just yelling help help help is where he is yeah shower running mike context clues what are you bats you have echo location throughout your house look i we don't have this 12,000 square foot manor.

I can hear if a shower is running. Okay. What was the question? But isn't your shower always running? Yes, most of the time my shower is going. Wet socks on your feet 24-7 or dry socks on your hands for a year? I will be sock man for a year. I'm not wearing wet socks

hate wet clothes i hate wet clothes so much wet socks or wet underpants which is worse i think wet underpants yeah i mean it when you say wet underpants pants it sounds dirty like i've sweated i'm saying like dirty underpants, it sounds dirty. Like I've sweated. I'm saying like dirty underpants. And that's absolutely unacceptable. But if it's just wet, like you got it out of the dryer too early, and it's damp. But it's clean. Yeah, that makes a difference.

You're at a theme park. You went on a flume ride, and you got splashed. You were able to hide your feet up on the insides. Right, but you got a puddle that just crashed right in your crotch. It takes so long to dry off, man. I've been there at a theme park. Yeah, but the

socks will never dry off. They're in shoes. They will never dry. No. I feel like we gotta do some science. Here's the problem. You can take the socks off and hang them up and walk around without socks. You can't take the underpants off. Oh, yes. You can take your socks off and walk around without socks?

You can walk around in your shoes without socks if you needed to. You're arrested. That's disgusting. Wait, what? You have a problem with no sockless shoes? Yeah. Yes, I do. That's how you make stinky feet.

Dude, I was sockless shoes man in the office for like two years yeah i didn't want to tell you mike but here's a little you never knew here's a little hot tip too uh a wet crotch makes stinky crotch so you know it's not going it's not going the right way either way but i think they dry your socks inside of shoes will never dry neither either one dries does it help if you are happy would it be better to wear the small socks on your hands or the longer ones up your arm i feel like this has to be the longer ones because they have this has to be embarrassing right isn't are those knickers i think so yeah okay i'm picking i'm picking the the wet socks and even though i hate wet clothes here's why we type a lot we are on our computers and we are typing to each other on slack we're running a

business we're working on spreadsheets try typing anything with worse than webbed hands you've got you've got sock hands you can't type that's pretty bad actually the voice would be a problem everything and the and the thumb war don't forget the yeah okay all right but typing is close second jason's going to illuminate something for us in just a moment but, let's take a quick break. Que estas haciendo, spitwads? Oh, what? You don't speak multiple languages like I do? You don't know Spanish? Well, that means what are you doing, spitwads? And I just learned that from Babbel, the number one selling language learning app. I know a lot of spitwads out there. You've got goals.

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Babbel, language for life. Jason explains in 60 seconds. All right, Jason, you have 60 seconds to explain. I know everything you're going to bring up, so don't worry about it. I can't wait. What is it? Almond milk. Okay, so a long time ago, about 20 years only, people started to pretend that they were allergic to milk.

And they're like, I'm not like well have you tried squeezing almonds or any kind of nuts and so what they found out is that if you take uh nuts specifically almonds usually cashews can also work for cashew milk but normally almonds and you mash them up together you can drink them and you can pretend like it's milk the problem is it tastes tastes different. It's stupid. It's not delicious or healthy, not as much protein. And so what happens is people, they fall victim to this routine and they think, okay, almond milk is better for you. And the dairy industry is going after almonds. They're burning almond trees. They go to wherever the almond trees are and they just torch them and good for them they should because the truth is is that milk is delicious I believe

the commercials from our youth where it said it makes a body good and and it's going to help me grow strong there's definitely no hormones in there and so yeah the point is is almond milk is mashed up milk that pretends to be almonds because people pretend that they can't have milk they pretend to be almonds that's good they pretend to be milk milk okay that is everything that you need to know about almond milk oh my also if it's not the vanilla almond milk it's disgusting are you an almond milk fan, Mike? I can drink it. My daughter has a lactose problem.

Get bodied, daughter. Oh, my gosh. So we have to get her almond milk. What's so funny to me about milk, and this was like I spent, what, I'm about to be 38. I spent 30-plus years of my life i i still love milk it's it's delicious but then it was it was finally pointed out it's like you're drinking the the milk the pregnancy from another creature and like the idea of but the idea of drinking human breast milk as an adult is it adult is you have a visceral reaction.

It's unspeakable. Give me the wet socks. And you're like, no, that cow? Give me that milk. I'm cool with that. There were three things growing up that I was like, yeah, these are okay. But if you stop and think, they are unspeakable. There are three things.

One was milk because you're drinking the pregnancy juice of a creature. Two is eggs because you're eating the pregnancy creation of another creature. Like, when did this start? And then the third is braces. So common. But it's like, would you like to put a little bit of cement and metal and bend your bones to look a certain way like i had braces i'm not talking against braces but like when you think about what we're doing i love milk i love eggs i'm all about that life i just need to live that life in ignorance so that i don't think and stop

and go this is this is probably too much for the human kind oh my goodness yeah it is funny because like we have lactose issues because we're drinking the milk of another creature and if we you know it wasn't made for us in that way um i bet if it was if it was human breast milk allergies would go way down well it's funny because i've i've heard this feels like it is this's funny because I've heard, this feels like it is this real life, but I've heard that they're trying to genetically engineer cows to be able to produce human breast milk because... Excuse me?

Yeah, because then you don't have the allergy issues because it's the right hormones. But that would still come from a cow. Is that correct? We have ways to get it. But, hold on. Stay with me. What do you mean we got ways to get it? Do you know how much time that'll take? There's not as many udders

on the human... I mean, you got production levels for not... I totally get that. It would take a lot more people yeah it would okay yeah but now the money's going back into the back into society more job creation the wet nurse industry has kind of subsided since the early 1800s that's true um everything you know about wet nurses in 60 seconds ready all right let's move forward with another segment i've got issues yes we do all right should a sandwich be cut horizontally diagonally or not

at all i i have an easy answer for this well it better not be not at all because that's dumb. There is, in fact, a mathematical answer to this question. There's a correct answer. So I assume Andy has it as well. I know, Mike, you have it. I have it because we're here to answer these important questions with definitive, objective opinion. These aren't objective facts. Should we do it on the count of three?

Sure. Okay. One, two, three. Diagonally. Okay. opinion these aren't objective facts uh are we doing on the count of three sure okay one two three diagonally okay this is why i love you guys you know it's funny growing up my mom always cut them horizontally but if my dad made me a sandwich was probably one out of every 300 sandwiches i ever ate he'd cut a diagonal and that made it that much better because it was unique. It was special. And it fits better. There's always an optimal bite when you cut diagonally. Yeah, and you avoid the most crust that way because you can get all the way to that corner with the interior. I mean, it's the same amount of crust either way.

Jason, do you not eat your crust? Well, of course not. The crust is not the delicious part. No, I realize there's the same amount of crust, but when it is cut in a square and horizontally, you can't get to the corners as well as when it's cut as a diagonal. And out of curiosity, Jason, do you cut your, like a cookie, do you cut that horizontally or diagonally?

Oh, that's a no cut. I don't want people thinking these are pieces for sharing with others or like this is my half and your half. But which would you prefer? Hold on, Jason. Which would you rather have if you were going to cut? That's a great question. Diagonally or horizontally?

I would go diagonally because it makes a big difference. Should showers be taken in the morning or at night? We're not exploring cutting a circle? Well, Jason figured it out there. Yeah, he got it. Okay. Okay. Showers be taken morning or at night?

The answer is morning. Yeah. But only for the sake of the hair grooming. I totally agree because if it wasn't for the hair. Yes, I prefer the night. The night is great. You go to sleep clean. Yeah. You wake up fresh like if I shaved my head. You, I prefer the night. The night is great. You go to sleep clean. Yeah. You wake up fresh.

Like if I shave my head. You wake up 20 minutes later. I mean, going to bed dirty, if you've had a hard day, that's rough. Sometimes that's hard to like fall asleep. I might have to do the nighttime shower. But then if you do the nighttime shower, then you have to wake up and do the thing where you like wrap yourself in a towel and put your head under the shower to get the hair wet so you can manage it we should fix that problem you know how like some kitchens have pot fillers you know that are just

sitting right by the the uh stove you there should be like a pot filler thing like above your sink for just a higher faucet just wetting your hair in the morning. Like a half shower? That's what I'm talking about, Mike. Straight down into the sink. But that doesn't work because you're bent forward, and it never works. You have to, if we're going to invent that, it has to be more like the little hair wash station at a salon where you are in a chair and lean back. Why does it matter how the water hits you? Because if you're leaning forward, then the water will inevitably get into your face, fall onto your beard, maybe your

clothes. But if you're leaning backwards, you can dry it and if some drops down your back, who cares? Why not take your shirt off when you're doing this? Why not take a shower in the morning? Right. Why not take all your clothes off and just get in the shower? I'm a shower

at night guy. Is that your majority shower? Yes. Okay. Alright. Should corn on the cob be eaten around in a circle or straight across the lines? Oh, man. Nobody ever. I've never even thought of this. Nobody ever

eats it all the way in a circle. Psychopaths would eat that in a circle psychopaths yeah that's that would be a circle i don't know man no way you don't you don't i haven't had a cop okay so so think you're holding the cop okay and you start on the left okay you you're starting on the left yeah we i mean we're best friends with the cop you're starting on the left you're not gonna eat that thing all the way you're gonna you're gonna eat and then go across before you turn there's no way my natural go-to if you look at the video my hands are spinning they're spinning the cob it's been too long since you've had a cob i i stand by that only psychopaths do that so therefore i think i'm a spinner okay you're a psychopath you're on the

fbi's most wanted list. Look, I start on the side. I don't start in the middle of the cob. Okay, you start on the side. I'm not a complete psychopath. You could technically spin and go side to side, and you end up with a spiral. Ooh, that's fancy. All right, do you dry off in the shower or standing on the bath mat?

Oh, I prefer shower every single time. People do that on the bath mat? I mean, it's warm in the shower or standing on the bath mat? Oh, I prefer shower every single time. People do that on the bath mat? I mean, it's warm in the shower. I turn the water off, grab the towel, and then stand in the warm air. Yes. No, not me. What? What?

Now, here's the difference. Here's the difference. No, no, no. See, here is the difference. I choose, like, our master bedroom has... He's going to tell me his bathroom has i choose like our master bedroom he's gonna tell me his bathroom has the same temperature no matter where he's standing that's what he's gonna tell me that is basically the truth that's impossible my not if you take four hour showers yeah there and he gets it uh my my master bathroom i don't use because it's it's the the standing shower that doesn't

go to the ceiling and so it's open and and so like it doesn't get steamy i need that steam in my life so i see the mirror after a shower you can't see the mirror right oh no the mirror is gone the mirror is can you see your hand in front of your face barely um you don't use your own shower no no i mean i technically yes i do because all of these showers are my showers um but i don't use the master bedroom shower because i i like showers in your house three okay you got three so uh is it one shower and then two uh bathtub combos yep yep one shower two bath shower combos. The master has the separate shower and bath. Right.

Yeah, the kids actually use the master, and I use the upstairs one. You desire, you need the steam so bad that you're willing to do, you're willing to forego a real shower to go get in the tub shower tub shower well both are real showers he's saying the pure shower non-bath yeah you'd rather climb in hold up hold up a pure shower non-bath is a downgrade over the bath shower tub because you know what i can't do we're unraveling a really

steamy onion just a steamy old onion here. You guys have to get on my level on this. He sits down in that tub. There's no question. I can't sit down in the tub while the shower's running, let it hit me and just relax, have some moments of meditation. I can't do that in just a true shower. Why not?

I'm, I'm uncomfortable on a flat floor. Why would I sit down on a flat floor when I could sit in a comfy bathtub? Because it's the, is it the back wall? It's the, it's the 90 degree angle. You need a little different angle.

I'm comforted. I'm held. You want to be insulated? Yeah. Let me ask you, do you ever plug up the old drain and let it pitter-patter raindrops? I would say about half of the time. And then you drain it out.

Except. Now, do you wash completely before you sit down and relax? Either or. Either or. That's a great question. So if I'm going to plug the bathtub. Is it dirty water? No.

If I'm going to plug the bathtub, I pre-shower. But if I want to sit down, relax, wake up with the steam and the water hitting me, then I won't plug it. But here's the truth. I'm going to let you know. The plug is missing in the shower that I use. So it is my heel. That is my heel. That is my... I just put that heel right on that hole

and it works just fine. I'm telling you, this onion, we don't need to unravel it any further. You're also pooping the shower, right? Well, doesn't everybody? In a poll, Al Borland,

we need to know what the people are thinking on this one. Do they prefer a standalone shower or the bathtub shower combo i gotta know all right we're gonna have to move on into our draft segment of the show um i that's all the jason showering i can handle but let's take one more quick break all right spit wads today we're welcoming a brand new sponsor to the show. We're talking about IPVanish. So what is IPVanish? It is a virtual private network, which you've probably heard called a VPN. It's a super important tool. Helps you safely browse the web. You can use it

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It was rated 4.7 out of 5 on Trustpilot, and that's with more than 6,000 reviews. Show these guys some love. Remember, it's IPVanish.com slash ballers to get the deal and start protecting yourself online. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting. Well, Jason has the first pick, and we had a couple options, a couple ideas.

And we went with the one that Jason wanted the most, which was the best food pairings. So we are drafting the best food pairings. There are oh so many. And you get the first pick, Jason. So there's a lot to choose from what is ironic is we did choose this because you know it's a food draft and I I wanted it I claimed it yeah but at the same time I don't have I I do not have a 101 um I know what the 101 is on like most classic lists but I don't know that i would draft that here and i'm trying to think like classical literature exactly classical literature lists we know what that is but um when i think

about what i like what what goes together where i draft what works in the polls you know you got to kind of you bring it all in um and and just to clarify here these are food and food combos is that correct well yeah they're they're food and food combos. Is that correct? Correct. Yeah, they're best food pairings. Okay. Well, I mean, sometimes you pair with a glass of wine. I didn't know that. We're not talking about there's no liquids allowed?

That's the question. If you want to go steak and wine or something like that, that's fine. It's just two things together. Oh, man. By the way, I can tell you, I did not look anything up. Like, this was all top of the brain. So I don't know if there's some 101 out there, something I'm forgetting. But I went with what I think.

I have my 101. Yeah. But I'm the third pick. We'll see if it trickles all the way down. We'll find out. You'll get two. All right. I'm going to go with just the classic, not the literature.

But this is probably the- pairing that I'm guessing everybody listening to and the three of us eat the most often. And it's a burger and fries. That's the 101, baby. You got it. Congratulations. It's easy. It's everywhere.

I mean, if you're eating a burger i want some fries with it so there you go i i'm not i'm not willing to say that's the one-on-one for sure that was my second that's the second one on my list mike don't give him too much credit he's already got the first pick well look you're up so that was your second pick you get your one-on-one well and that's why i asked the question because my one-on-one is milk and cookies i think milk and cookies is the best possible pairing. It's on my list. Yeah.

So I'm going near the bottom. Well, that's fine, Mike. You don't have to be smart. Burger and fries was my two. My second is way better than milk and cookies. Milk and cookies is also on my list at the third from last, but is delicious. I do not hear what I'm not saying. Milk and cookies are delicious,

and if I'm having cookies, I want that cow pregnancy juice. All right, Mike, you've got two picks now that you've talked up Jason's pick and talked down mine and lost my respect on a deep fundamental level. Your pick is whatever. It's fine.

Yeah, but Mike's dessert takes terrible. Yeah, I know. I know. Milk and cookies. Come on. I really thought that burger fries might drop to me here. So I have to go to the classic. More food takes from Mike.

I can't wait. I have to go with some, what is it, to kill a mockingbird. I have to go with citizen cane. I'll just get it out of the way. I will take peanut butter and jelly. I will take it off of the board. I can't believe that you took that over what you think is the superior combo. I plan to win. People love that PB&J.

Nice Fortnite pick there, Mike. I was saying peanut butter and jelly is definitely not pandering. People love PB&J. Anybody that would go PB&J over milk and cookies is a lunatic. That's all I'm going to say. But that is the classic 101. Like, it goes together like a peanut butter and jelly. Yeah, and that's why I had to take it.

Oh, man. So there are so many difficult choices here. And, oh, my goodness. I didn't think that this would be that hard. But this is extremely difficult to actually rank these live on the show. I'm going to go. I'll just continue being a small child and ordering off of the kids menu. I know that Brooks would really appreciate that because he loves the kids menu so much.

I will take chicken nuggets and ketchup. Oh, man. Do you do ketchup with the nuggets? No, I don't do. There's way too many good sauces to just go ketchup. I will go macaroni and cheese, please. Okay. The pasta with the cheese.

That one, I wasn't sure if it would fly around here or not. I wasn't sure either, because who's eating macaroni without something? Macaroni can be with other things. You have a mac salad. What's crazy about macaroni is it is so ingrained that it's macaroni and cheese. It just doesn't feel like a pairing. It feels like a thing. But it is.

It's a macaroni noodle and it's cheese. But when I go to cook my mac and cheese, I grab the box. The one box. And it's already assembled for you. Yeah. But when I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I grab the peanut butter. Then I grab the jelly. I grab the milk. And when I go to Wendy's, I get a number one.

And that's my burger and fries. I'm not saying that the macaroni and cheese isn't technically a pairing. I just don't think anybody would think of it as a pairing. Well, then I'm out here with my galaxy brain taking high level picks. They go together. Al, you're fine with macaroni and cheese as a food pairing? Yep. Yeah, it was high

on my list. Because it's delicious. I am going to take... It's always good. I'm going to take breakfast food. I'm taking bacon and eggs. I am taking bacon and eggs with my second selection. The problem with bacon and eggs, and don't hear what I'm not saying there, Delicious, is the eggs part. Like, eggs aren't my favorite.

They're okay. How do you take your eggs? I can go over medium. I can go scrambled. But usually I would run over medium. Scramble. You know, scramble with would order them over medium. Scramble. Yeah, scramble with some cheese, some meat, some veggies. Flip it over.

Call it an omelet. That's how I take my eggs. So like eggs with bacon and then something else. But like I wish bacon and sausage was a good pairing. You know what I mean? Like that's what I want at breakfast. Can I get my breakfast meat with a side of breakfast meat, please? I think you're up, Jason.

I am up. And I'm going to take what is my true 101 when we talked about this. It was the first thing that came to mind because this isn't on. I did look up some lists just to jog memories. I didn't see this anywhere because it's not like mac and cheese, you know, peanut butter and jelly. These things that just are clearly always together. But for me, Jason, personally, it sounds like you like my team. If I have one, I must have the other. And I like my steak with mashed potatoes. I have to have the steak with mashed potatoes. That is a food pairing to me.

Oh, 100%. You dip that steak. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Al. Mashed potatoes, please. Yeah, let's be clear. He did not draft meat and potatoes. He took steak and mashed potatoes. 100%. I don't want scalloped potatoes.

I love a baked potato. But if you're telling me I have to order steak with mashed potatoes or steak with a baked potato, I'm ordering mashed potatoes because I like a baked potato I'm ordering mashed potatoes because I like to dip the steak in the mashed potatoes oh dude oh man if you're not used to that I see why you put burgers over

steak I'm with it because meat and potatoes any kind of pairing is delightful I'm just more confused at the and potatoes in any kind of pairing is delightful. I'm just more confused at the dipping. I do it too. You cut the piece of steak, scoop up some of the mashed potatoes.

Have you ever gone potatoes onto the steak, then cut and eat? No, it's too easy. He's not a barbarian, Mike. That's uncivilized. It's uncivilized. i mean this this steak's not falling off my fork i'm gonna i'm gonna succeed in getting the scoop all right so now i've got two like two dinners here a burger and fries steak and mashed potatoes so i'm trying to look at maybe a lunch maybe something that isn't my dinner but is more lunch and i'm taking something that again

if i have one i have to have the other and this is actually even more so than because i can have mashed potatoes without steak but when i have steak i really want mashed potatoes but in this one i don't want either one of these without the other they have to come as a pair it is a grilled cheese and tomato soup no it's on my list. I mean, who just wants a tomato soup? You ever just like, I want a tomato soup by itself. And a grilled cheese, I'll eat it by myself. I mean, by itself and myself, I will eat it. I'll eat 20 of them.

But I will every time I will want, you know, you got to like end up dipping it in ketchup or something if you don't have the tomato soup. Wait, you don't eat it? You wouldn't eat a grilled cheese by itself without a dip? No, I would. I would. I'm just saying you can.

You would rather dip it in ketchup? You've never heard of dipping a grilled cheese into ketchup? No. But yet tomato soup is so normal. Correct. They're very similar products here, sadly. Yeah, I mean. Similar and yet very different.

Well. All right. So did you make both your picks are you a ketchup and eggs person jason i am not um i when i was a young boy i went to my best friend's house actually stayed the night it's one of the first times that happened woke up in the morning mother makes eggs he puts ketchup on. And I did everything I could to not vomit at my friend's breakfast table because that appalled me to put ketchup on your eggs. That's probably fine. Yeah, I mean, my kids do it now, and I don't care. Oh, no. I know.

I'm disappointed in them. Don't hear. How do they hear about it if you don't do it? Is your wife a ketchup addict? My wife puts ketchup on eggs. I didn't want to say it because, like, you don't do it? Is your wife a ketchup addict? My wife puts ketchup on eggs. I didn't want to say it because you don't choose your kids. You choose your wife. And that's one of probably the three biggest issues I have.

But it is disgusting, and it happens in the Moore household. All right. So you went with steak and mashed potatoes and then grilled cheese and tomato soup. I will come back here. I have milk and cookies, bacon and eggs, and I'm going to went with steak and mashed potatoes and then grilled cheese and tomato soup. I will come back here. I have milk and cookies, bacon and eggs, and I'm going to go with chips and salsa. Dang it! I'm going to go with chips and salsa.

It's finally something that Mike is upset that I drafted. What a privilege. Chips and salsa is fabulous. Eating tortilla chips by themselves feels wrong. Oh, never. I would never do that. It feels like I'm not supposed to do this, or I'm trying one before the salsa comes out.

Right. Because if you eat tortilla chips plain, it just dehydrates your mouth. So salty. I mean, it's so good, but you need a balance. You need the salsa. You need a nacho cheese. You need something. something now would you rather okay so rank these three salsa queso guac oh man uh i would say that that is one of those that's one of those things where

i think i would take guac 100% of the time, but the chips and salsa are a classic, and they're so frequently available that if I had, like I think I would, if it was reversed in how often they were served, I would probably like love the time I finally get some salsa. I would go queso guac salsa. Guac queso salsa for me.

All right, am I up? Yep, you have your last two picks here, Mike. All right, I know one of them for sure. My list has actually dwindled. Let me guess, spaghetti and tomato sauce. No, but I do have some honorable mentions on my list that will not be drafted. Oh, no. I know.

It's just freaking SpaghettiOs and cottage cheese, isn't it? You're disgusting. You have infected my wife again. She only wants, if she's having SpaghettiOs, she wants cottage cheese with it. Yeah, are you serious? That's two-thirds now of the three biggest issues i have oh man that's so great oh man it's disgusting and did was she a doubter or did she oh she doubted because it sounds and is terrible but it is not it is great all right um uh one of

them i know is is easy because like this is you can't even – is this breakfast? Is it lunch? Is it dinner? Is it all three? Absolutely. I will take chicken and waffles. Oh, my gosh. I just wrote chicken and waffles down just now.

Yeah. That was one I thought it might come back to me. I thought I was going to go chips and salsa and chicken and waffles to finish off the draft, but I got one of them. There was a point in time where I didn't, like, as a younger man, I didn't know chicken and waffles was a thing. And someone told me that it was a thing, and you get it with syrup, and it's like a meal. And I was like, that sounds so weird. And then you try it one time, and you realize it might be the single greatest lunch slash breakfast slash whatever it is.

It fits all three it could be a dinner that's what i was saying i don't think it's because of the pairing i think it's because of the permission i think it's because like you're allowed to just eat these two awesome delicious foods that you know it's like yeah no we're we're saying chicken and waffles is is allowed you can have sweets and salties it is so funny how we do that it's like we make rules about what's a breakfast food and what's not a breakfast food

and then if you were to have like some tuna fish in the morning you are a monster alright Mike a funny pairing here before I jump into my last pick I heard Dave Grohl was on he did the Conan podcast and he was talking about before I jump into my last pick, I heard Dave Grohl was on, he did the Conan podcast,

and he was talking about a pairing of food that was very bizarre, but somehow he just fell into it after a show. Very funny story, but it was KFC and champagne, and they all discovered that Dave Grohl was eating it and eating it, and then he called everybody over. You gotta try this.

They compliment each other? And this became a big thing that they just kept doing. Is it just because the champagne ends up masking the KFC? You know what makes this taste better? Not knowing what I'm doing. Maybe. Maybe, but I was just throwing it out there ah man so i've got my i've got to narrow down to two picks one is just it's it's similar to

the chicken and the waffles and i but it's so good well whatever whatever i've got two breakfast type i'm gonna take pancakes and syrup pancakes and syrup because it's it's great and i have a strong feeling that andy would have drafted it had i let it slip past me would you have anything else uh 100 i had i had chicken and waffles and pancakes and syrup as my last two and all i said myself was, Mike just needs to leave me one of these two, and I don't have to panic pick anything else. See, I feel like pancakes and syrup is like his macaroni and cheese. Like, okay, it's a pairing.

Well, he could have gone pancakes and butter. People have no syrup. No, people don't have no syrup. They have fruit. They have pancakes with butter and fruit. That was a home run. And I'm coming around on the macaroni and cheese, actually. Because it's good.

When I look at it, it's macaroni and cheese. So I'm going to just take it. So now I have to go to backup plan. It's not macaroni cheese. And I'm going to go to the backup plan, the only one I got left here. And it's a pairing that belongs together, separated at birth. And then when they reunite, it's magical in your mouth. And that is cinnamon and sugar.

That was my other one. Was it really? I was debating between cinnamon and sugar and pancake waffles. So I'm going to go cinnamon and sugar with my final pick. And so I'm happy. I'm content. I didn't, you know. Good. get those churros away from jason oh that's important please please all right you've got one final pick jason then we can we can talk about any i have so many i want here uh but when i look at the list there's one that i feel would be

disrespectful to leave off, even though there are others that are maybe more classic that you only eat together. But pizza and wings, my man. I mean, oh, that's a great pizza. And wings is just a good time. You're watching football. You're having a party. You've got a pizza over here and then you got some wings right next to it. Yeah, so good.

That is a tremendous last pick. but it's not even on my list and i that's an oversight yeah well uh i mean pizza and wings that's it's hard to it's got songs about it uh man my my my undrafted free agency list is probably the best in this draft of any recent draft i there's so many things. Let's hear your favorite couple that you didn't draft. All right. We got spaghetti and meatballs. Yeah. Okay.

That's classic. You got hot apple pie and ice cream. There you go. Sure. So good. Yeah. Biscuits and gravy. Yeah.

That's a great one. And then the final one I'll throw out is, I mean, it's as classic as it gets. It's your go-to. It's your bread and butter. Mm. Yep. Yep. I's your bread and butter. Yep. I got your bread and butter. Cheese and crackers. Yeah, the cheese is a theme that just goes through everything.

Ham and cheese. Ham and cheese. I love a ham and cheese sandwich. And I already took peanut butter and jelly, so I didn't want to take this, but peanut butter and chocolate. I had that written down as well. And chocolate and strawberries. I was like, that would be good, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now, Mike, if you're making one, wouldn't you make a peanut butter and honey? Isn't that your go-to? You're darn right. But you're drafting two other things ahead of it. You're putting two other things ahead of your, yeah. Mike is on a bit of a hot streak lately, and I think he wants to win the game. Shout out, though, SpaghettiOs and cottage cheese and mac and cheese with tuna fish.

Shout out. No, there ain't no shouting. It ain't listening to nobody because he doesn't get shouted out. Oh, so good. Wow. Yeah, those are. You know what I like to do is I like to put chips on my sandwich. You guys ever do chips on the sandwich?

Yeah, like Doritos. Or like Ruffles. Litos. Or like Ruffles. Lay's. Yeah, Ruffles. Just give it some crunch and some salt. Hey, Al Borland, you got anything we omit it? Anything that makes you sad that we didn't include? I like anything like salt and sugar.

So like sweet and salty. Also, cake and ice cream is a good pairing. Cake and ice cream. Yeah, you could go ice cream, chocolate, sugar. What's your favorite salt and sugar combo? could go ice cream but salt and sugar what what's your favorite salt and sugar not salt and vinegar salt and sugar like any kind of trail mix or like a salted chocolate salt salted caramel yeah okay there you go you lost me a trail mix though what's the popcorn that i'm forgetting the name of the oh cattle corn cattle corn yeah yeah that's a good

example i i like to bounce back and forth in definitive salt and sugar categories when I'm deserting or snacking. You don't go hybrid? Well, sometimes, but I mean, I go a bunch of salt, then, oh, I need a bunch of sugar. Oh, wow, I need a bunch of salt until you die. And I think that'll do it for the draft today. Jason went with burger and fries, steak and mashed potatoes,

grilled cheese and tomato soup, a pizza and wings. Bring it at home. That's so good. I've got milk and cookies, bacon and eggs, chips and salsa, cinnamon and sugar. Mike has peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, chicken and waffles, pancakes and syrup. He's going to town with the pancakes and waffles with the last two picks.

And only one thing left. What did we learn today? I learned that ophthalmologists are frauds. They don't do jack squat. I learned that Jason has a very small cornucopia. I learned that Mike would rather not be able to type for an entire year than have wet socks. You're darn right.

All right, that'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers podcast. I feel like I can get my index finger pointed out. You'll figure it out. The hunting pack method. Do us a favor. Leave us a review. Support the show by subscribing, and we'll catch you on the next episode. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com oh that was a good that was a good episode. Am I right, guys? The best. Gals, I know what you're thinking. You want to help support this show. You're like, how can I become an official spitwad,

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