Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 139: The Burden Of Molting & 90’s Nostalgia - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

On today’s show we find out exactly how much Jason knows about military ranks. We also talk about shipping ourselves across country, low driving visibility, and optimal mechanisms for human flight. We then have a very special themed ‘Situation Room’. Finally, we close the show down with a draft of some 90’s nostalgia! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

All right, I know you expected the show to start already. It's going to start momentarily. There will be a spectacular scat that is coming your way. I thought DMX was here the way you came in. But listen, before the show starts, I just wanted to say, head over to spitballerspod.com, click the Become a Spitwad button. That's how you become a supporter of the show. That's how you get access to the show early.

That's how you check out the Spit Tank where you can submit questions, would-you-rather questions, great questions, whatever, draft ideas. We turn to the Spitwads first. Head over to SpitballersPod.com, click the Become a Spitwad button, and now we can start the show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Okay. Yeah. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. Woo-hoo! Okay! Yeah! Do you like it, Mike? Yeah, it was different. You were a wah guitar. Now, Mike, you have a better ear for these things than I do.

I don't even know what I hear. It sounded like a slow start to me. Like he was a little late and then was trying to catch up. But then I feel like the end was like I wanted more of it. You got to factor in the remote recording, Jason. What we hear is not what the people will hear. And what we heard is not what Andy heard. I was pretty happy.

I wasn't sure how I was going to. I'm reserving judgment. Like this could be a 10. This could be a 10. This could be a 1. I won't know for a week until this thing comes out. We're grading on a scale here, right? Yeah, 1 or 10. That's the Andy Holloway scale.

That is certainly the range of potential scats on my end. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. Andy Holloway, Jason Moore, Mike Wright, back with you. Thank you so much for listening to this show. It makes us very, very happy. What's interesting is that there is a bit of a tie-in to my scat styling to our draft later. Oh, well, well, well.

So maybe that'll get it up to that level 10 that you're alluding to. draft later. Oh, well, well, well. So maybe that'll get it up to that level 10 that you're alluding to. It could, but I'll probably have forgotten your scat by the time we get to the draft. We'll see. You can see if you remember it. We have a great show today. Are you drafting Miami or Magnum PI?

Okay, I can see that, yeah. Maybe it is more a little criminal minds type of thing. Oh, okay, okay okay okay okay all right we have yeah baby one that because you were a guitar you were not a bass you were that was you were clearly a guitar look here's what happens on those scats i need to make sure it goes it goes with it like there's got to be an organic factor to it. And I wasn't sure how it would go. I didn't rehearse.

Let's go. All right. Situation Room, would you rather? A very special 90s nostalgia draft for later. Spitballers.com. Or I'm sorry, spitballerspod.com is the website. And you can support the show, become an official Spitwad listener, supporter, friend. Submit your questions.

We haven't done this in quite a while, but we have a review on the show today. Review Asaurus Rex. This one comes in from LT Zander. Five stars. He says, I first found these three guys two years ago as a fan of the fantasy footballers podcast, the off season came and I needed more. I'd heard them mention their spit ballers podcast. And I thought that it sounded dumb and I was right,

but dumb in all of the right ways from Jason's in the chair injury to Andy's botched draft picks to Mike's completely putting his own family on blast I feel like I know these guys better than my own friends okay I've listened to a few podcasts that I have felt this passionate about this show has changed my life and I like to think I'm a better man because of it well Well, thank you, LT Zander. You are. LT. LT. Jason, is it possible that that means lieutenant?

It is possible that that's lieutenant. But I feel like the only lieutenant I know is Dan. So Zander doesn't go there. I think it's probably Lieutenant Tomlinson. All right. Thank you for that review. We appreciate them over on Apple Podcasts. We read them from time to time. And by by we i mean jason and we really appreciate it let's well hold now i'm just imagining jason like in the armed forces and when he refers to anyone by rank he just yes yes sgt

that's right that's right c Just screaming, screaming acronyms. He's not been in the armed services before, in case you're curious. Time for some Would You Rather. Would you rather? Trying to become that G. Right. You want to be a true G. You got to be that G when you're in the armed forces. John from Patreon. G. Right. You want to be a true G. You gotta be that G when you're in the armed forces.

John from Patreon, would you rather attempt to travel 1,000 miles by shipping yourself in a box or as a stowaway in the wheel well of a 747? Oh, come on. Oh, molly. You can't survive in the wheel well. Can you not? Yes, you can. Do you get too

cold? You would freeze. Yeah, I think you get cold yes there's i think people have done it though it's not climate controlled for the wheels well i realize that but you know it's not like a guarantee that i'm going to freeze to death oh i'm rocking it in guarantee i'm i'm smashing that in someone gave me owl look up look up the temperature of where airplanes are flying yeah find that out because i imagine it's it's uh okay here's what we've got from al borland how are you doing today al i'm great thanks for asking why don't you read why don't you read that to us

uh it says of the cases identified by the u.s. Federal Aviation Administration, 23 people, about one in four, have survived the journey. Well, well, well. So 75% chance of death. I'd put you in the 25% with the chance of surviving knowing how you love the cold. Yeah, Jason's like a bear. Or like a whale. You know, it's like that extra blubber really helps protect.

Although he probably would attempt the flight in shorts and flip flops. Like your default clothing. I might get hot. I might get hot down here in the wheel well. I'll be honest with both of you right now. Truly honest. Had we somehow put this together where I had to do this. Yeah.

I probably would have worn, because of the wheels and the friction. I would have worn shoes and socks. There's no chance I wear anything but shorts and a t-shirt because my genuine thought is it's going to be so hot in here. I'm going to be burning up. But now, now I've been educated and I know that I would need at least like a hoodie, maybe some full pants. Like a cut off hoodie. Like a cut-off hoodie. No sleeves, though, on the hoodie. You will be very...

You'll be warm in the box that you're being shipped. Probably moved from van to plane to... I mean, you might end up in a plane for a thousand miles, right? You're shipped in a box. I think you're going to end up in a plane. So you're in a plane in a box. Okay, or on a boat in a box. I think you're going to end up in a plane. So you're in a plane in a box. Maybe on a boat. Okay, or on a boat in a box. I think the point of the question is, is it 1,000 miles for either?

Yeah. How do you want to be shipped? I was interpreting this as it's 1,000 uh in a box and just to my head i guess that was automatically i go boat so you're on in for a much longer journey or if you're on a 747 it's five hours boats are not a lot of the domestic shipping they don't really use a lot of the boats i know and we need to look into improving that right can we just want to go up and down the use the river canal systems at the very least. Can we expand the Mississippi?

Just cut right through the middle. There's enough water for that. If the Mississippi went horizontal as well, a little east-west action, because you're not able to ship things from left to right in the country on the Mississippi. Yes, exactly. So wait. We don't make a lot of man-made rivers, right? not able to ship things from left to right in the country on the mississippi yes exactly now uh so wait we don't make a lot of man-made rivers right we got the man-made lakes but not a lot of man-made rivers well not not the size of the continental united states right we pulled that off like if

okay let me let me bring this up for a second we've got the global warming rising ocean levels could we just start bringing the ocean through the middle of the old U.S. of A? Problem solved. I mean, right? Water is rising. Let's just utilize this to our advantage. The Boring Company. Yeah, Elon's talking about tunnels.

That's tunnels. That's old busted, man. We need more boats. We need more boats. Okay, so I don't want to be shipped in a box that's claustrophobic madness a thousand miles in a box unpleasant i mean i guess i'm guaranteed to live yeah that's the thing i feel like it's a thousand miles either way one of these would you rather be uncomfortable or have a 75 chance of dying that's how i'm now interpreting several days in a box

you have probably some percentage chance of dying well the good i'm now interpreting several days in a box you have probably some percentage chance of dying so the good the good news in both situations is i'm not going to waste away i have plenty of what we call stored energy um you're gonna have some waste though that you're gonna need to dispose of oh that's a good point now in the plane you can just let that fly i mean well the plane won't take that long, right? If I'm traveling 1,000 miles. You can probably hold it, maybe. Oh, I don't ever poop on a plane, Andy.

That's a rule. That's a hard and fast rule? Hard and fast. Hard and fast. You've never had, have you ever had to break a rule? I have never broken it. I never will break it. I've never needed to.

You never traveled overseas, have you? If I travel overseas, I will never poop on the plane. Oh, okay. What? Never. Not going to happen. I can go. So here's something that's weird.

I can go camping. Like, I'm very regular. You know, I'm a healthy BM every day. But if I were to go. Is that an army rank BM? That's right. I am a BM more. Yes, sir. Mr. BM. But if I were to go is that a an army rank b that's right i am uh more mr bm but if i were to go camping i can go it doesn't matter how many days two days three days four days i'm not i'm not

pooping out there digging a hole like it just i'm gonna store it up take care of business when i get home my body has been really successful and you'll do that in the box too oh the box i think that that might be a thousand miles like let's say this was by truck right semi-truck i don't how long does it take to go a thousand miles a while man i don't know i feel like you gotta have something to do in the box well it's gonna be dark you can be alone with your thoughts i mean yeah you can poop that's what you could do in the box can i upgrade my own shipping speed on the box can i pay for next day air or something all right as they're loading you up looks like someone missed the package speed on this one. I guess inevitably I need to try to survive.

All right. Dan on the website says you have gained the ability to fly. Well, that would have been nice. Which method of flight would you rather have permanently attached to you? Okay. You've got wings when you raise your arms like a wingsuit, right? You got wings. Okay. You've got wings. Okay. You've got wings on your back like an angel.

So a little John Travolta from what, Michael? You got the wings coming out. That's a classic. That might come up in the draft today. I was going to go with angel from the X-Men, but, you know, good old-fashioned Michael reference. We got a Michael reference. Angels from angels in the outfield. Or a propeller on your head like an idiot.

Who's dismissing the propeller so quickly? I'm not dismissing it. They put it in there like an idiot. That's their commentary on a propeller on your head. Now, yeah, it's a permanent propeller on your head. I feel like Dan's got a bias here against propellers. Here's the thing. A wingsuit, I'm not flying.

I'm gliding. I'm floating. No, but here's the way to think about this, Jason, is you can fly, okay? How do you want to have to look? Your wings are connected to your arms, so you are flapping your arms like a bird. Or you can use your arms while in flight, but that means you have angel wings on your back. But you have to walk around now and you have gigantic wings on your back instead of wings that can kind of be hidden as long as you keep your arms down. I think you're explaining this in a very good way, Mike.

Honestly, you're walking me through this, and I get it so much more. Now, Jason, the propeller is a propeller on your head. Okay. So this is like no hats anymore. But you have vertical takeoff. That's true. In and out real quick. Tight spaces.

No problem. I'm going straight up. Imagine being in an awkward conversation and just... See, that's like the opposite of the turtle shirt. Instead of hiding your face in your shirt, you just, I'm out of here. But couldn't you do that with the angel wings? What's that over there? You could do it with the angel wings, but that would be like real awkward.

Yeah, they're going to notice. But you can Goodyear blimp somebody. And then just take off. And then they turn around and you are gone. So the way that incredible the way that mike has explained this really being more of a visual burden that you have to live with you could fly in in any one of the situations i feel like there is a clear-cut winner here i'm gonna i'm gonna abstain from giving my answer i want want to hear your answer. I'm still torn. I'm not torn at all.

By the Mike Wright rules, you can fly with all three just as successfully as all three. But there is one that is awesome and two that are stupid. Really? Yes, really. No, I want to be like a bird. And so I want my arms as wings. And I want to fly like a bird. I do not have the depth. Think about t a bird. I do not have the death about t-shirts. I don't have the move.

Like I couldn't move like a bird with a, uh, propeller on my head. The level of, I would just be, I'd be cruising along. Maybe I could check my email better, you know,

on the, on the flight. But I think I want to be the bird with the propeller. You're in, you're inspector gadget, right? Are we all in agreement there? You are, straight up.

You know. Yes. No, the angel wings have to be the best, because You have giant wings on your back now. It's awesome! Like, if I saw someone with giant angel wings on their back, I'd be like, whoa, an angel!

Alert! That is really cool if i saw someone with basically like webbed arms that's weird and of course the propeller if this is just visual is ridiculous you're gonna look very silly i feel like you can maybe hide the bird wings but you are wearing trench coat. Yeah. I mean, you're wearing. Well, you got feathers all over your arm, right? I think the angel wings is the right pick because then you can use your arms like normal. You can, but you have gigantic angels.

Is that uncomfortable to sit on back? No, I know. They're really big, Mike. Is it uncomfortable to sit on? I think. Of course. That would be awkward. You don't sit on them, but you can't.

I don't know if you can lay back. Can you sleep on your back? No, you're a belly sleeper at this point. Maybe a side, but you're certainly not a back sleeper. Yeah, I imagine you're losing some feathers from time to time too, right? Yeah, you got to molt. You got to molt. The burden of molting.

There's no molting with the propeller. Is that the title of this show? That's true. Do you ever have to like lube your gears? You got to grease it up a little. Yeah. You got to lube your gears. Yeah.

Important to lube your gears. Yeah, but then where does that grease fall? Right onto your face. That's not okay. Not if you properly grease, obviously. Here comes Jason. Why does that guy always smell like WD-40? It's disgusting.

All right. What's your final answer, Mike? I'm going angel wings mike i'm going bird wings yeah i'm going back to bird wings that's wrong you you i think you look a little cooler flying with the angel wings but convenience in everyday life i mean getting into a car with angel wings give me a break yeah wait wait so you both took bird wings and bird wings are the wingsuit is that what you're saying like that. Your arms are the wings like a bird. Oh, man.

You got to flap and then you can't do anything. That's awful. You still have to flap with angel wings. They're just on your back. Yeah. But that's just an additional thing to my body. They're going to take care of it themselves. You're going to regret it when you go to Disneyland and you can't get on any rides, Jason.

Hmm. All right. I will fly my own rides. Britton from Patreon, would you rather have a 16 by 16 black square on your windshield? So that's over a foot. You know, 16 by 16 black square on your windshield, directly obstructing your field of view, or a 16 by 16 open field of view directly in front of you and have the rest of your windshield blacked out. Okay.

That one. No, I'm sorry. The first one. The black square. Give me my peripheral vision. Give me everything else. How big is a windshield? Have you never been in a vehicle, Mike?

How big is a windshield? How big is a windshield? I understand. I understand, I understand like, I can say, oh, it's about this big, but it,

16, 16 inches. How, how much of my windshield is blocked out? Is that half? Okay, put your arms up. A little over a foot.

Put your arms up in front of you and then make it like a, I don't know, a foot and a half, just yay big. Yeah. And then imagine that in front of your windshield. How much is,

but how big is the rest of the windshield? I understand nine inches by 31 inches. Thank you. That makes all the difference. That was a huge help to Mike. He's like, now I can understand your brain. Plot this out on your little brain plotter. Yes. Okay. I don't understand why that's a bad question. You guys are just like, yeah, I accept it. Because here's what you should be doing. Pretend you're in a car right now staring at your windshield. Now envision a 16 by 16 black square in front of your face. Yeah, that's all you got to do.

That's all you got to do. And that makes me feel like I'm rolling Ace Ventura style where I'm driving with my head completely out my driver's side window. Can you imagine the terror of staring out? Your only vision is a 16 by 16 window, and that's all you can see on the road? You can't turn left. You can't turn right.

You know how small? I've played driving games on TV smaller than 16 by 16. How do you turn? Okay, make a left-hand turn. Yeah, make a left. Make an unprotected left-hand turn. How would you ever, ever know when to go? I mean, I guess you can, similar to the Ace of Tours, you can roll that window down.

Yes. And you have to, but that means both passenger windows are 100% of the time down. Well, I feel like that's cheating. I doubt you get to do that. Wait, why does the second one, why does the other passenger window down? You don't get to roll them down, do you? Why is the passenger window down? How are you getting your head out of that window?

You can't see anywhere. You can see through the window because it's clear. Can you see through the window? Okay, so this is just a windshield. The windows aren't also blacked out? Jason, it's just a 16 by 16 square on your windshield. Correct. This only affects your windshield.

So your door windows are still clear. Who's stupid now? The person who asked the question. Yeah, Al Borman. Why are you attacking Britain? I can avoid. Look, the sun is sometimes lined up in my vision when I'm driving and sometimes it can be about 16 by 16 right in front of me and you have to use peripheral vision

I'd rather drive like that I feel like I feel like you know if if there's a blacked out block right in front of you you've got to move a little bit yes bob and weave to see around it but the amount that you would have to move if you can only see in that window and you're trying to look far to the right like lifting myself up and out of the seat like trying to look ever you have to black out the 16 by 16 block in front of you you have to now what if you have a convertible and you just drive standing up oh i'm not that tall interesting we'll get some blocks man you can figure it out hmm yeah this is a weird one all right give me that tesla autopilot black out the whole

windshield i don't we we are going to uh help me sleep if you're standing up that's more like a segue situation right but with the car it could be all right uh before we get into the very special situation room we have planned, let's take a quick break. I want to thank today's sponsor, Fabletics Men. Fellas, Fabletics Men represents for every guy out there, you want to look your best. When you're working out, you want to be comfortable,

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and get your first two pairs of shorts for just $24 when you become a Fabletics Man VIP member at checkout. That's www.Fabletics.com slash Ballers. The Situation Room. All right. We have a local wizard edition of The Situation Room today because we have been getting lots of questions. What's that rascal up to? A lot of situations coming in that are very typical

if you live in a town that has a local wizard. As we all do. As we all do. Liam from the website. Your local wizard lost all of his money in the crypto market after seeing Andy and Elon Musk tweeting about Dogecoin. I've been there. I've been there, Liam.

As a punishment, the three of you must spend the next three years working for free. I didn't tweet. Yeah, but you're connected by Guilty By Association. You spend the next three years working for free as a main character from a live-action children's television show of your choice. Oh, goodness. What show would it be, and who would you be in the show? Oh, my goodness.

Children's television live-action kid shows. I mean, I feel like I can't even name. The worst. You are living hashtag blessed over there you got yo gaba gaba which is the one oh that's great that's that's the only good one but my kids have my kids have leveled up to they're they are watching the shows in between you know a kid show and a grown-up show like a tween a show. A tween show, and it's just laugh track after laugh track. Everything is a one-line zinger.

Everything's so funny. Oh, they're just coming fast and furious with the jokes, except there are no actual jokes. It's just dialogue and then a laugh track, and it's uncomfortable for me to watch. It hurts. I love that Andy said, oh, you know, the only one he could think of is Yo Gabba Gabba. He's going with that.

There has never been a worse match than Andy on the ADHD Yo Gabba Gabba show. Like, Andy, I've got yours. Yours is you are replacing Mr. Rogers on Mr. Rogers. If you were on Yo gaba gaba you would not do well you would be looking everywhere so frazzled why are you playing one of the the like uh set pieces i wasn't planning on being a main character they're alive i'll be one of the trees i'll be in one of the trees yeah um you got blues Oh, that's true. Well, kind of, right? There's one live action piece.

Right, so I guess we know who you'd have to be. And imagine being that guy the whole time where you can't figure out the easiest mystery to solve. And the dog is like, someone help me. Blue, I can't figure it out. What if, Jason, you want to be barney like in the new the new barney series is that a new barney that there is now that's definitely not what i'm gonna go with when we when we talk about kids are watching like the big show what what age what age are we talking about here with kids i don't know your kids up to to 12? Up to 12, then I am a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, my friends.

Because, heck yeah, give me the ability to fight crime. You in a suit sweating inside that thing? Oh, you in a Morphin suit. The truth is, the truth is. It's Morphin time. Whoa, whoa, let's slow down on the Morphin. I can't. No, no, I need to Morph right now.

I'm Morphing whether you let me or not. I know't. No, no. I need to morph right now. I'm morphing whether you let me or not. I know this. I could crush it on the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. However, I would definitely be a villain. There's no way I could fit in the morphin suit. We're not getting in the robots yet? Come on. What's going on?

I'm going to be one of the... Can we do another beach scene? Weren't there two guys, like extra characters? Yes, the comic relief. Oh, like the Be bebop and rocksteady of the pretty much yes the comic relief fools uh the little you know bad guys yeah that's that's who i'm being on mighty morphin power rangers for sure all right so if if i get to draft any show that i'm i am bill nye i will take over and i will be bill nye the science guy because that show's actually sweet and i get to teach kids about you know what that one is the best fit because not only would you do you love the science but

they always ended with a like pop song remade like in a with science lyrics and oh man i would handle that look tv producers out there you need new bill nye oh i'm your guy i'm your bill nye uh i'm no scientist but i'm your guy i you've got a youtube now he just plays a youtube video for people and he watches with him and the show is actually just me watching bill nye the Science Guy going, whoa, did you see that? All right. Beautiful Joe Burrow from Patreon says, your local wizard has spent your life savings to build a time machine. It only lets you go back in time. To make up for what the wizard has done to your bank account, he allows you to go back in time to steal one material item to

bring back and sell for money. Oh, man. So it only goes back in time, except for it also lets you get back. Right. Is that right? It's like a boomerang. All right. But you can't go forward.

Right. You can go back in time, steal that. Now, does this... Wait. So I need a little clarification here. Back in time, steal the item. Now, does this... Wait. So I need a little clarification here.

If I'm going back in time, does that make it guaranteed I can steal the item? Like, can I get like a Van Gogh, you know, I can get anything I want? Yeah, and here's... Because immediately my brain goes to how hard is it going to be to sell this item? Because the really valuable ones, I mean, it's going to be to sell this item? Because the really valuable ones, I mean, it's going to be extremely difficult because I would love to go Nick Cage style because, I mean, how valuable would a brand new Declaration of Independence?

Like, what's the U.S. government willing to pay for that? Is there something you can go steal that will continually make you money that you don't just have to sell off? Because obviously you're not going back and getting information, but is there anything that would allow you to keep... It's like the opposite of a great sports almanac. I now know what happened in the past.

We have that now. That's right. I've got... No, that wouldn't work. I've got this really, that wouldn't work. I've got this really valuable magazine. It doesn't have any of the last 40 years worth of data in it, but everything before that.

Yeah, I don't think that works. Now, what about like, I know collectible cards are all the rage right now. You go back and get some Babe Ruth rookie signed card. That's got to be worth millions of dollars, right? Is there anything that's super damaged now that if you went back and grabbed it, when it's not damaged, it would be worth a lot of money? We're talking about the declaration, man. Yeah, but they're just – The U.S. government is not purchasing the declaration of it.

They're like, this is ours. This is – I'm pretty confident. I'll take the Magna Carta. It's still ours. Can I go back in time and bring back like a billion dollars? From back then? Honestly, just bring back the money. Just steal me money.

I'm going to steal old money. With inflation, I have to imagine that's pretty good. Yeah, except it's going to be all the old bills. And then when you go to the bank, they'll go, hmm. I have to imagine that's pretty good. Yeah, except it's going to be all the old bills. And then when you go to the bank, they'll go, hmm. You sell the bills to a collector. You're not going to use them as cash. Jason goes back and gets a bunch of wooden nickels.

Yeah, you know, you got the buffalo nickels that are worth more than a nickel, right? Sure. But I bet you a dollar from back then is worth a dollar now man what would be something that would be fine i'll take some two dollar bills oh two dollar bills they were gonna be worth something someday yeah yeah those and uh silver dollars all right austin from patreon has one more important situation from our local wizard You and your team have been captured by your local wizard. He is got a lot of... He's a wild one.

He has a new poison he wants to try out. 100% of people are allergic to poison. That's right, 100%. He has a new poison he wants to try out. He does not know how much poison it will take to finish the job. You five, so he's including Judge Giamatti and Al Borland here,

are the lucky participants. The amount of poison will increase if the person who takes it lives. If you take it and live, you go free. Or if someone else before you dies, you go free. I live in this situation. The local wizard will... Where do you go in the order? Because I have to be last. We got live in this situation. The local wizard will... Where do you go in the order? Because I have to be last.

We got to finish this question. All right. The local wizard will come up to you privately and let you choose which spot in the order you would like to go. It could work the first time or not at all. What spot do you choose? Oh, so this is...

I choose the last spot for sure. Okay. Because here's the deal. My chance of surviving is either I take the poison and I live, or I don't take poison because someone else died and I lived. So let me be... You're glossing over the fact that maybe the fifth time is when it will be... Fifth time's a guarantee.

We have to guarantee that somebody's going to die. So in the fifth spot, if the previous four don't die, aren't you the dead man? No, there's no guarantee. Otherwise, you can't pick that spot. Your sip is going to be a little bit bigger. All I know is this. If we were to come up with this as a group, the five of us sit down, and we're like, okay, we know that

we want to try to all survive and it's going to be more than what the first person survived. I can take the most poison. I believe that. I think of the five of us, I can take the most poison. So if I go first or second or third, now all of a sudden you're taking more than could have killed me. That's a big flex, man.

Big flex. Huge flex. I'm flexing on you fools because I can handle the most poison. I don't know what you think about nothing, but I could take more poison than you. Well, we're basing this on... Wait. I don't think that has anything to do with poison.

Oh, of course it does. It's your bloodstream. It's how much is in your bloodstream. Right? I mean, isn't that what's going to... Do you have a bit... You got a little bit bigger bloodstream? You got more blood in your bloodstream uh right i mean then that what what's gonna do you have a bit you got a little bit bigger bloodstream you got more blood than me hey man what you're talking about look i know that it is not the blood brag when you have medicine or anything like that it affects people different based on their size the bigger they are the more

they eat you don't give a rhinoceros the same amount of tranquilizer you give like a little chihuahua because they're bigger. There's also a physiological aspect as well. Just because you are large does not mean that you are allergic. It doesn't mean your immunosystem will handle more poison than, say,

the owl. No, that's fair, but I am physiologically superior as well. Now we've gotten to it. Huge DNA. The owl. No, that's fair, but I am physiologically superior. Oh, okay, okay. Now we've gotten to it. Huge DNA. I mean, my DNA. You've seen my ladders?

You've seen my spirals? Dude, the diameter is huge. Now, Al is letting me know at least one in five is guaranteed to die in this experiment. Okay. least one in five is guaranteed to die in this experiment. Now you could be, how embarrassing would it be on top of dying to go first? And then you're the, it's like, it's a big setup. There's a lot of drama. You take the first little sip. You think you're fine. You drop dead and everyone walks free. And they're like, well, that was easy. Yeah. I think I'm going second because I want to learn, right? I go second. The person ahead of me either dies or I see exactly the dose they had. I see their reaction.

I know what's coming. I'm going first. I'm going first. I'm getting it out of the way because I can't imagine. You don't want the anxiety? Yeah. If the poison doesn't get me, the anxiety attack is going to get me. If I'm sitting there at number four, by the time it's my turn,

I will have already passed away. And then someone after me is going to have to drink poison anyways, because I'll be dead. See, I'm still picking last, even if someone's got to die, because if I have to die, if that has to happen, you're darn sure the rest of y'all getting poisoned i'm not going out where you don't get nothing i die and you still got poisoned we're still a little bit poisoned that's right but we're just we're just suffering mild discomfort though maybe or you're dying and i live

i'm going last yeah okay all right let's move on to our draft the spitballers draft all right this is a fun draft i'm excited about this it's a 90s nostalgia draft and we are drafting one song one movie one tv show and one video game from the 90s oh man i didn't think i needed to be number one here so i wasn't that excited about having the first pick but i did need to go number one and i am excited to have the first pick because you're scat because the pick i'm going to go with and this is these are always fun because you have to pick in different categories and so there's some gamesmanship in terms of who takes what and you can wait till the end to get a certain so like our

strategy is just is right out the window with this though because it's so all over the place I feel like I have at least three in each area sure and I don't know if we match in any of them I agree I have two in three of the areas and absolutely nothing in one

of them. That's great. Glad you're prepared. The best part is you have to prioritize what do you want the most? First of all, a TV show, a song, a movie, or a video game. I'm going to prioritize the TV show, my favorite

TV show, the greatest iconic 90s show you could possibly select. My poor allusion to it in the scat. I'm going with Seinfeld. Seinfeld is my number one overall pick. Okay. I felt like the TV show category

had a 101, so I'm taking Seinfeld. Okay. Yeah. As I was... But I love love it so it might be more valuable to me it's a perfect pick for you uh as much as we we know that you love seinfeld as i was approaching this i was i i went went through the lens of like what makes me feel like i'm either a kid or a teenager again sure and because i i like maybe that's just well, that's what I use the word nostalgia for. But it's no, I want something where I can picture where I was, how old I was, the feelings I had when I was.

But you can't draft clear. So no, no, didn't need it. My man, that was that was flawless. Except for all the pimples. So, all right.'m gonna go i i gotta cut you off for just a second because i'm seeing seinfeld is debuting in 1989 that's fine no no did it run through the 90s yeah that it's its whole era was the 90s i will say this i will say this i when i was preparing my draft board, I took Simpsons off the list. Because even though it was definitely a 90s show, it's like, is it only 90s?

There's no more 90s show than Seinfeld. Yeah, that's fair. I'm perfectly fine. All right. Just wanted to make sure we were good with it. Yeah, I love how you never cut in for Mike. No errors that Mike's ever made. I've never made an error.

I expect you to cut in on mike by the end of this episode all right so i am uh when i think of of growing up being a kid or a teenager i think of video games and when i think of that era of video games i'm sitting down with my buds we are all crowded around a screen because you're playing on one screen. The internet has not been invented, at least the way it is right now. So I'm going to take the co-op or the versus game. I'm going to take GoldenEye for the Nintendo 64

because nothing says 1990s like four sweaty teenage dudes in a room. What's so amazing is when you think back to those games, because I'm with you. It was on my list. It was the number one video game on my list, believe it or not, from the 90s. And if you go see the graphics in that game now,

it perplexes your mind. And yet back then it was unbelievable to me. It was bleeding edge, man. It was bleeding edge, and it was the it was unbelievable to me it was bleeding edge man it was bleeding edge and it was the camaraderie of the game see now you play in a different place with somebody but then you had to be hunkered around a small tv with so much better not only were the graphics bad but you were split four ways you know if you're playing small and then you got a quarter and you liked it you loved it it was way better it. You loved it. It was way better.

It's more convenient now, but it was way better. I'm so happy you drafted that because now the gamesmanship does come in. You were the only one I was worried was going to take my video game. I think Andy would have several ahead. And so I'm not worried about video game now. Now I can go with. Which I know your video game. Exactly.

And I know that that wouldn't be yours. So I'm good. I get my I get three first choices okay so I am I am uh on cloud nine here I'm gonna start with the best movie of all time best movie of all time happened to come out in the 90s is Braveheart that's my favorite movie of all time Braveheart was in the 90s case closed doesn't make me feel like a kid though yeah no this wait what was the was this the uh 90s things that make you feel like a kid though yeah no this wait what was the was this the uh 90s things that make you feel like a kid draft no i'm just telling you how i how i'm approaching

that's fair that's fair um but i do actually i i saw that when it was in the theater mid 90s i think it was 1994 somewhere around there that's that's some good parental decisions being i was just gonna say the same thing i saw that there's no chance i saw that movie around when it came out i was 10 i would have been 10 dude well i was i was uh it had a long run in the theater i think i was 13 before it was out and i saw that talking about freedom so this guy had freedom right here dude you're darn right um my parents brought me to our movies now for so cool now tv show i was worried here because with tv show i thought mike was gonna take i thought he was gonna run on seinfeld leave me in a bad position to me this is nostalgic this makes me feel like a kid and it was also

a phenomenal show like the show was just great but it's the fresh prince of bel-air okay i feel like there's nothing more 90s than the fresh prince so that that to me is fine there is a fresh prince is number two for me okay all right i have two on my list i'm curious if if my two was your one and your one is my two i it won't shock me at all but the the games will proceed because I don't have to take a TV show right here. Let's see. So Jason took movie and you took the television show. That's right. The songs are all over the place, man.

I have no idea. That's the category I said I have none. Because there's literally a hundred songs I could name that I absolutely love from the 90s. But there wasn't one that stands out. All right. Well, then I'm going to go with a nostalgic movie. I don't know why this is number one for me. But I'm combining things that make me feel like a kid.

Just remind me of... Oh, man. I don't even know what year this came out. I'm going to need to check the, oh, man, we might be right on. I was going to say, a movie, it matters if it released in the 90s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, one second. I'm just verifying. If it's the movie, I think you're, okay, you're good? No, we're good no we're we're

good we're okay i mean there's there's there's so many that fit into the genre of movie but it's a movie i haven't even allowed my kids to watch it because apparently i've looked up what's inside of this movie it's not really a good movie for kids but here we are i'm taking the mighty ducks quack quack quack mr ducksworth it reminds me of being a kid, getting into the movie theater, those really small movie theaters. I love it. Okay. Are you surprised, Andy?

Honestly, when I thought about 90s movies, it came into my mind, for sure. Although we've watched it recently. I don't remember there being anything that was funky business. You're overlooking. There's different standards. I am... Okay, you both have your movie. Yeah.

I've got two picks. I need to go song. No one's taking a song. Yeah, good luck. Yeah, well, I mean... Okay, I'll go song and movie here. I'll start with the movie because whatever i'm gonna take it i'm going jurassic park i mean jurassic park is the 90s movie that kind of took the cake for me in

terms of uh what i think of i used to think that movie won every award that existed because i love dinosaurs and then i'm gonna go with uh songs are. I'm sure we'll talk about some other songs after we draft because we're only drafting three songs. But I'm going to go with Nirvana. Smells like teen spirit. Oh, that was the only one. Dang it. Now I'm going to look. That was the only one that I was like, okay, I think I would take that one first.

I think that was the number one. It was on the top of my list. Yep. So I will go with that one. It's close. So there are several other 90 songs that I probably liked a little bit more, but that one's more iconic. All right.

Back to you, Mike. So you took both your picks. So you went Jurassic Park, Smells Like Teen Spirit. Okay. Very excellent 90s picks there. I have to pick song just in the off chance here that Jason. Now, I might grab Macarena. you you hop on that mike that's a very 90s song um i will go man it it feels like the 90s and when you hear it it still feels like the 90s i will take the

uh and it it made some some parents upset back in the day i will take the ode to large buttocks by sir mix-a-lot himself i'm gonna take baby got back that song still slams to this day what's so funny is the contrast of what that seems like to like the Mighty Ducks and like feeling like the 90s. So there you go. Baby got back. Oh, my goodness. So here's what's funny is I'm like, I have two picks in three different categories and nothing for music.

But in reality, I guess I definitely had a number one in music and a number two. And you both picked them. No way. A hundred percent. That's crazy to me it's great because smells like teen spirit was like you know that was such a that was our age alternative movement you know there's there's not many bands that are more exclusive to the 90s than nirvana so that was why i was going to take them number one and then when you just think of

like the songs that have stood the test of time and always make you think of the 90s baby got back is it's so stupid it's not great music but it's phenomenal and it would have been my second and and just to compliment what i was saying owl borland has chimed in here uh he said he bought it he bought the cassette tape the sir mix-a-lot cassette tape without the Sir Mix-a-Lot cassette tape. Without the parents' permission, they found it. They smashed it. Yes. They smashed the cassette tape. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Both my parents are spitwads, and they will hear this, and they can attest to that. Baby got broken. Oh. Wow. Oh, my gosh, Becky. All right.

So I've got my final two picks here. One has to be a song which i'm left with scraps um there's there's a lot of 90 songs there's 2 000 songs i could go with here i'm left with scraps we've taken only two songs where baby got back it smells like it's no i mean i repeat no i i i get it there's there i couldn't i could list off 200 songs, and they're all great, and they're all 90s. You just need one. Because I only need one. I'm going to go with Tonight Tonight from the Smashing Pumpkins.

I love the Smashing Pumpkins in the 90s. It makes me feel 90s, yeah. Yeah, it makes you feel 90s. That was their second best 90s song? Yeah. What would you say is their best 90s song? 1979 The song about 1979

That's why I didn't take it Honestly I was going to take 1979 I'm like wait a minute you can't take a 90s nostalgic song That would have been great irony You certainly can It's accurate it's a better song And then For video games it's the best

game that's ever been made it's one of the only games that was so good that it literally got remade it's a nice last pick for you here not redone like just they made the exact same game over mike and i have played uh part one of it but final fantasy 7 that game owned me for at least two years it it had my body my soul my mind my time uh so yeah i mean i was that's what i did for a couple years as i played final fantasy 7 on repeat so uh that's got to be my pick of the 90s all right two picks left mike you've got a TV show left. I've got a video game left. We've probably discussed this because we've talked about Final Fantasy VII all the time,

but I can't remember, so I'm going to ask you. Jason, when you played through, did you rename your characters, or did you leave them with the regular names? Both, but for the most part i left cloud the same and i renamed everybody else okay okay all right so television show here it is well i'm not sure if it's your number two or not jason but saved by the bell my man those were my two coming in it was like those are the two 90s shows no that makes. So to go with my last pick and get Saved by the Bell, like the most 90s thing that I can

possibly think of. That could have gone 101 overall. Yes. In the whole draft. And I would have taken that had you not taken a television show. No, you have a strong... I gotta cut in here and say that that show debuted in 1989. Thank you. I expected this.

Good for you. It didn't really really did it well we're just we're disqualifying it right oh for sure that is an 80s show oh my gosh that is so ironic i you know what i love you al well done uh i will close this out it's tough uh the video game pick here you guys have great ones gold and i was my 101 at on video games i will go with uh super mario world i will go early 90s it was released uh i think 90 91 but that's my one of my favorite games of all time it's what i think about when you said the nostalgia being a kid sitting around me and my brother playing that game that's a memory i'll always have so back when you had to like you heard someone got a video game and then you go and become friends

with that person 100 because you heard they got the new game dude yeah that donkey kong country as well oh my gosh that was fun and what's so funny is I remember like, Frank, why don't we ever hang out, man? I remember having a 30-minute video game time limit with that game. And I'd have to go like put in when I was starting and playing. Like my parents really limited how much we could play, especially early when we got it. Because you know

when new tech comes out, parents are really afraid of it. And so that made that time very special. Those were the most important 30 minutes of the day. That's why I keep my kids off the blockchain. It's dangerous. Yeah, darn right. Final teams here.

Jason has Tonight Tonight for his song, Braveheart for his movie, Fresh Prince for his TV show, and Final Fantasy 7 for his video game. Mike has Baby Got Back, The Mighty Ducks, Saved by the bell and golden eye I've got smells like teen spirit Jurassic Park Seinfeld and Super Mario World that will be

a very competitive there's I think Mike might win it I think I think you'll take this one down Andy we'll see we'll see what people if they relate to the kind of being a 90s kid I don't know Mike's got some good picks in there but we'll find out we've got a an honorable mention here from Al,

Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden. It's funny. Wait, what? You go with that one? I had I Want You. I had I Want You. Yeah, Chicka Cherry Cola, man. Yeah.

He also said Wonderwall by Oasis. Sure. Oh, yeah. That was on my list for sure. If you guys had taken Smells Like Teen Spirit, my song was going to actually be Bittersweet Symphony by The V verve oh man for my i wish you didn't take that then because i would have won the draft interesting i had uh uh the only other one where like or i guess in the movies i had sandlot on there oh yeah that's a great 90s movie and then on for television the matrix

was that in the 90s yeah Yeah, I think it was. That movie's great. Television just makes me feel like a kid. 99. And they keep trying to bring it back, but they can never do it right. American Gladiators. Oh, yeah. That show when you were a kid watching these actual real life superheroes

just so jacked up, beating up regular people. That show was amazing. What's so funny you if they came out with it now you could watch all the episodes whenever you want back then it's like i could never get the tv on when gladiators was on right i somehow never got to see it unless i got lucky and scheduled it out but all right i think that about does it it out but all right i think that about does it what did we learn today well i learned that the wheel well of an airplane is very cold apparently cold enough to kill a man 75 of the time i learned that jason's parents were uh providing great freedom so jason could go watch Braveheart on his debut in the early 90s. And I learned that if I am in a life or death situation, I'm not counting on Jason. I'm counting on my real friends.

All right. That'll do it for the Spitballers. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you to Al Borland along for the ride today. Thank you for correcting Mike. That was really important to me. And we'll catch everybody on the next episode of the Spitballers. Take care.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Just practicing. Oh, that's smart. Just practicing for next episode. Yeah. Because this one's already over. It's done. It's finished.

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