Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 14: A Scary Situation and a Cartoon Kid Gets DESTROYED! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

The situation room is terrifying today! Jason literally screams out load as he cannot control his emotions in a genuine act of hilarity. Some weird stuff in today's show from seeing your clone to being stranded on an island together. But there are some funny GEMS on today's episode including the introduction of Gargantula and the smackdown of the most annoying cartoon in history. Don't miss this episode of the Spitballers! Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and Jason. It's the Spitballers podcast once again. I'm excited to be here. I know Jason and Mike are, they're happy to be here too. And it is a Monday. It's always a Monday here at the Spitballers. It's always a Monday.

Doesn't matter what day it is. It's always a Monday. And Monday's a good day day now that's the point yeah you want now it's like uh can i get can i get one of those cases of the mondays please monday needs to rebrand that's what we're trying to do monday fun day your family-friendly weekly dose of nonsense here the spitballers podcast we have a fun show for you today. Introducing a new segment. And you can follow us on Twitter, at SpitballersPod. That's where you can send us questions and feedback. Answer the polls.

Answer our, what, the different drafts that we do. Yeah, we just were coming off the heels of the pizza toppings. I actually don't know who won. Well, here's the deal. I won. Come on, you had the meat stack. Oh, that's right. Over here.

But more importantly, Mike appropriately got bodied in the polls. Oh, I knew the polls were going to be very, very bad. We won't spoil the draft picks for those of you that are new. Welcome. Glad to have you. Go back and listen. It's a hearty debate. I mean, until Mike's last two picks.

Look, it doesn't always. One of them went sideways. I stand by it. I stay. Don't spoil it for them. Would you say he scrambled your brain? That's not even the one I'm talking about, but yeah. My pick was excellent.

All right. I get it. That's funny. All right. Instagram.com. Slash. Bit I get it. That's funny. All right. Instagram.com slash spitballerspod. Spitballerspod.com. Let's get into a brand new segment. The Situation Room.

All right. The Situation Room is this. You're basically put in a tough situation. We're going to basically decide how we would get out of it. What would we do if we were placed in that pickle? So we're starting here. You're driving down a busy freeway at 70-plus miles an hour, and you look up, and on the headliner,

Jason, this one's for you. Jason can't even make it through the question. I can't even read the text. There is a spider the size of your hand in the center of the roof. I mean, his eyes are closed. I'm already deceased. Your face is turning red. This is not a joke, listeners.

Jason is going flush. Wow. So, look. What do you do? Jump out of the car immediately. I mean, it's unbuckle, open, and roll and pray. You would pass on. You're on a freeway.

It's 70 miles an hour. There are cars flying around you. And you look up and somehow you miss this. I mean, I did have a story once. I drove to school once. I was like a teenager. I had this really old, beat-up car. It had no air conditioning, no heat.

No windows. Basically, I always had the windows down because you have to in Arizona, and clearly a creature had made itself at home. And I remember there was a spider on the opposite door, and I felt an obligation to keep my eyes on it at all times. That was kind of the feeling I had driving, but I wasn't on a freeway going 70 miles an hour. But the opposite door, that's far enough away

that you feel like you can keep tabs on what Mr. Spider is up to. You can continue your drive. This is above your head. This could come down on you and cause more havoc than anything you could ever imagine. This is the worst question ever posted. Forget this show. This is the worst hypothetical question of all time. Would you say it's a tough situation?

Yeah, this is definitely a situation. It's two options for me. You go fight or flight. Oh, you go punch this thing? Yeah, I is definitely a situation. It's two options for me. Okay. You go fight or flight. Oh, you go punch this thing? Yeah, I'm saying this is one of the options. Is do you... You lose that fight, Mike. You got...

Size of your hand. You got the giblets to just throw fisticuffs at this giant spider. Oh, my gosh. You get one chance. Yes, that's the problem. If you're not one punch, man, you are getting annihilated when this thing's scurrying. He's going to grab your fist and he's going to scurry up your arm and bite your face. If you miss the spider, you got a high probability this thing is spinning out of control.

It may not want to attack you, but it's at least falling off of the roof or scurrying. Scurrying in any direction. To a place of unknown the roof. Or scurrying. Scurrying. In any direction. To a place of unknown whereabouts. Here's the truth of what would happen. All jokes aside, I'm not punching the thing. If you're punching it, then you need to ride shotgun in my car at all times. Keep me safe.

This is my spider puncher. Yes. My spider puncher. Official title. No more calling shotgun. I call spider. Of all the superhero powers that you would have, that would be one of the weaker ones. Spider puncher.

Craig's list add up. I need a bodyguard. Okay, well, what will I be doing? You'll be sitting in my car prepared to punch a spider. Should one arrive. All I hope is that from this point forward, Jason on the freeway is glancing upwards at all times. No, here's the truth. This is no joke. I'm sitting here rolling

myself through this situation in the situation room and I'm driving. I'm on the freeway. I'm going 70. I'm happy. Life is good. Maybe I'm listening to, I don't know, an episode of the Spitballers or something. You're a vain person. Listening to himself talk makes sense. to himself talk to some other great

podcast that's so much better than than this stupid i would imagine jason has his own podcast and it's just kind of like you're a wonderful man you're so good self-affirmation you're smart enough um and while i'm driving down if i were to look up and see a tarantula. We're back on the tarantula. Okay, that's how I say it. We're moving on. I see this gargantuan spider right above me. A gargantua.

I know. Gargantula? Gargantula. If gargantula is up there. He's trying to get through this. This is like Godzilla. Gargantula? Gargantula. Oh, man He's trying to get through this. This is like Godzilla. Gargantula? Gargantula.

Oh, man. That movie will come out soon. That's a sequel to the Meg. I'm Googling that. So Gargantula is on the roof. I see. I know. I scare easy.

I walk around the corner. The kids, my children scare me, and I will jump, scream, and throw things. Oh, I don't want to see what you're looking. Mike's face, after he Googled gargantula, was disturbed. It's what you would expect. Okay. Here's the honest truth of what would happen. I see it.

I am so overreacting. I saw you doing this. Oh, my God. Jason was just... It's a giant demon spider from the depths of hell. Jason was just showing a picture of a spider from... Mike held up his laptop just so that you know what's happening. Jason just pooped, peed, and everything else.

If there was a video of this podcast, you would know that what I'm about to say is true. Because my eyes were closed. I barely saw the picture through my eyelids. And I almost died of a heart attack. Guys. My car would immediately, 100% not on purpose clearly, it would start flipping. Because I would accidentally jerk that wheel to the side, no control over my body,

and I would cause a 22-car pileup on this busy 70-mile-an-hour freeway. You want a practical joke me there? You're killing people. I have stumbled through the rabbit hole of searching for a gargantula. And that picture came up which led to another picture there is a movie nay it seems a series of movies called lava lanchula that is about a giant man-sized spider that breathes fire they don't need to this needs to go into my netflix queue immediately spiders already wield the power of evil lava lanchilla michael winslow's in that movie

michael winslow this is incredible um mike what do you do in that situation i think you i think you try to get that thing away from you to the other end of the car so you can pull over at a safe distance. I know myself. Can you slam on the brakes? No. You can't get out on a freeway. You're on a busy freeway.

You would have to calmly pull off to the side of the road, and then just another problem arises. Now you've left your car, and there's a giant hand-sized spider inside your car somewhere. This is the worst way to start a show. I'm in flip-flops right now and my legs are crawling. I know what I would do. And I would be petrified. I would be a full stone man doing non-stop looking.

No moving. Forward, back to spider. Forward, back to spider. But I would continue to my destination. It's a T-Rex situation. You cannot see me if I don't move. All right, next situation. You find yourself naked in a hot tub.

There is a duplicate. Why am I naked? There is a duplicate of yourself also naked. What? So you wake up in a hot tub, and sitting across from you is another naked version of yourself. No one's around for miles. This is the weirdest. Go.

What? Go. What do you do now? Why do we have to be naked? Well, because you're in the hot tub. But I usually wear a swimsuit. Look, it's a situation. Maybe the nakedness lets you know whether or not maybe you think you've just been cloned.

Wow. Maybe you think you've just come out of the Matrix. And do I know? Am I aware? Am I self-aware that there is no one around for miles? Yes. Or that just happens to be the truth and I don't... Well, you certainly figure that out in a couple of minutes when you wander outside naked and you look around and there's no one.

But me. Double me. Double me. Well, at least I know that this guy is going to tell me I'm smart, good looking, good enough. Is he? Well, according to the podcast that I listen to. But you're very confused as to what has happened. I mean, what do you do in that situation?

Man. I guess you've got to start with a series of questions, right? You're asking yourself questions? I'm asking him questions i i'm asking him questions so yes i guess i mean that's how do you know that you're not the clone in that situation you just don't open that my mind don't open that door because we're not coming back so you clone let's say you are able to clone yourself fully. You have to have the memories. You wouldn't be yourself without the memories.

Yes, because that's... Which one am I? I told you not to open this door. Oh, the door's wide open. This is a garage door lifted up. All you are is memories. That is your existence. Well, no, you're...

Is memories. And are memories real? Yes. Are they? Just because something is love real? Yes. But I? Just because something is love real? Yes. But I'm saying you perhaps you woke up this morning. This is the very first day of your life.

But you have memories that have been implanted into your artificial brain. That didn't happen. That could have never really happened. Or they happened to you. I guess you would have to say that they didn't happen, right? Because think about a crazy person. Someone that struggles with... Or your dreams.

I mean, your dreams didn't really happen. Right. But they're memories of things that you thought happened. Are we real? Exactly. That's what I'm saying. You're going down a dangerous path hold on let's get let's get about to transcend back to being naked in the hot tub yeah that's what i'm saying this

is yeah back to regular stuff back to reality okay no one's around for miles something has happened like my first thought is look there's been some apocalypse that has happened this is a zombie situation this is this is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, I mean, you get up. You've clearly been cloned and no one else is around. Something catastrophic has happened to the earth. Step one, find pants. Yeah, the problem is I know myself.

I'm not going to want to get out of this hot tub because I'm naked. Right? I don't want to get out. I'm going to wait for them. You can't be embarrassed that your own clone sees you. I think I could. Where am I hanging out in a hot tub where there is no one around for miles? Am I in a wilderness hot tub?

No, you're at the back of a house, but it just so happens everyone is crickets. All right. Everything's gone. Everything's abandoned. I don't think the hot tub's the key here. What is the key? The key is that you've walked... The key is the nudity!

This is inappropriate! The key is not the nudity. You've got clothes on. Fine. You wake up. You're soaking wet. Okay. I'm in a hot tub fully clothed. Fully clothed with another fully clothed version of yourself. I'm far more comfortable with this question. What do you do now? Hey. Hey.

Man. I make small talk with myself. That's something you're not usually. You're not a big small talker. How about this weather? Oh, my gosh. All right. New situation.

The three of you are together and you wake up. This one comes in off of our Twitter. The three of you are together and wake up stranded on a desert island. By the way, fully clothed. What do you do and what roles would each of you take on? So we are now all placed in a situation where we're literally dropped right now onto a desert island. We need help. We need food.

Let me ask you this, Jason, because I watch Survivor. Yes. And look, I know the basics of survival. I've watched a lot of those shows. I know the answers, but I don't know if you do. So I want to know what you would do. All right. We're like, Jason, Mike and I are injured.

What is step one? What's step one for you? Step one is shelter. He already said food. Step one is shelter. You are correct. You got to build a shelter, have shelter. And then I think food or source of water is right there.

Now, look, I probably would reverse that order because I'm already starving talking about this. And I'd be like, oh, let's see if there's some berries around here or some coconuts. But I do think shelter would be most important. Thankfully, I got you two there with me. Yeah. Right? I feel like we could get the shelter on lockdown. We could take care of that.

Fire. Starting fire would be tough. Jason would probably need, we'd need to use the glasses. Jason's got the glasses. That's a good plan. Yeah, you can magnify the sun's rays with the glasses have either of you ever tried to just straight up start fire to start a fire with

like stick and I mean as a child where you you know that this works somehow I've done the magnifying glass thing to melt crayons and ants ants yeah that's that's a big oh come on you grew up in Arizona if you didn't take a magnifying glass to glass to the ferocious ants that are everywhere trying

to eat you alive, by the way. I can neither confirm nor deny. I'm remembering a terrible story. Oh, no. Skip it. It's story time. Oh, my God. I love it.

Mike goes, skip it. I go, it's story time. Andy, you've got the final vote here. Well, it's appropriate, but... Are you going to influence young minds? I will. I go, it's story time. Andy, you've got the final vote here. Well, it's appropriate. Are you going to influence young minds? I'll pass. Okay. Look, as a small child, you don't know what to do in the world.

And it's in line with the ants situation. I didn't kill a cat or anything. Lay off me. All right. I'm going to be put in charge. I'm not a serial killer. I will clearly be put in charge of food. Okay? That seems fair.

The three of us are there. You'll either find it or you'll be it. Oh, man. If you don't find it, Mike and I are going to... I would be the most delicious. That is true. The most filling. That's also true. My first thought was, so we're on an island?

Yeah. I'm assuming that we're on a tropical locale. To be clear, Jason, this is not a dessert island. It's a deserted island. Oh, shoot. I was going to find all the bananas. Well, either bananas or coconuts. I was putting myself in charge of gathering coconuts

nope i got food find your own job mike you know how are you getting up to the tree jason climb it what do you mean what a dumb question you think i brought a ladder yeah no okay so you're telling me that you can climb yeah mike that is kind of you're saying that in a way where like i can easily shimmy up a coconut tree. Yeah, I could. How strong are your inner thighs, Mike? Wait, so you don't climb with your thighs, you climb with your feet. Yeah, you could climb up this tree. Yes.

But I could not. Yes. What? Yes. Mike, you're really confident you could climb a coconut tree? Yeah. We're having a coconut tree off in the near future. I'm not sure we are there is no way that i can't

climb as high as you on a coconut tree i guarantee it based on what are there coconut trees we can test this theory with i mean we it looks like we're going to we're going to hawaii yeah business expense wow okay i'm getting the coconut mike's deal with coconut all right well that's that's We're going to Hawaii. Yeah. Business expense. Wow. Okay. I'm getting the coconuts. So Mike's dealing with coconuts. All right. Well, that's actually fair because I wouldn't waste my time with that. I'm going after meat.

Now, the thing is, is Jason's looking for food, but I've taken his glasses to start the fire. So Jason's looking for food, but he has no vision. He's a blind man wandering a deserted island. We're getting poison berries for sure. Oh, yeah. No, I don't do vegetables or fruit. You said you were going to look for berries. And bananas.

That's fair. That's really fair. But then I just pivoted to meat. How are you going to find meat? Oh, are you kidding? The meat finds me. And then I kill it. What are you, like, slathering up?

No, but the boar. He's the bait. There's going to be some boar on the island. Cover him with honey. You know, I'm walking around and he thinks... Let a dinosaur find us. He sees me. This guy's a little tusks out and I'm like, bring it on, boar. Do you know that boars are incredibly dangerous? Oh, I do.

Do you know that I am incredibly dangerous? I will tackle this boar. Just to be clear, in this situation, Mike is shimmying up a coconut tree with ease. Yes. Jason is wrestling a boar for food. Also with ease. While he's blind. While he's blind.

Andy is quickly the last person alive. I'm popping my inhaler. That's what I'm doing. Very elevated opinions of what we could be doing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm writing SOS in the sand and getting us off this island.

That's what I'm doing. Let's move on. in the sand getting us off this island. Thank you. That's what I'm doing. Let's move on. That's a great question. All right, this one comes in off of Twitter at rflim21. What inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence?

That's an interesting question. That's a great question. If only spiders were inanimate. So you just want something gone. Like, would glitter count? Yeah, certainly. If I wanted all glitter. You got a problem with glitter?

All glitter just gone from the world. Oh, man. Then my existence would cease. I have glitter on me at all times from my wife. My wife is the glitter queen. He is literally saying I wantason's wife gone from existence because she is made of glitter what is your wife's opinion of mariah carey i don't know we i mean we've never really sat down and had a tea well let's talk let's talk mariah let's talk mariah she's the

star of the smash movie glitter i see i i see where you went and i think that that's where i'm not saying i would eliminate uh what i'm not saying i would eliminate glitter i'm just asking if that qualified that's the type of thing you're saying yeah sure i mean anything that doesn't have life you could have done now like a sweet potato well that has life i mean yeah i guess that is that's not an let's disqualify food okay i mean Because that's a plant. A plant is not inanimate. Sure. Exactly. I don't know.

I'm trying to think through how you would possibly do this, but I want to get rid of corners. What does that mean? Because I am. What is this, Zoolander? What's going on here? I am so tired of stubbing my toe on the corner of something because it sticks out a little bit further than you think it does.

You want all things to be curved. Everything is curved. That's why I'm trying to work out the logistics in my head. Either it's curved or the table, the very bottom of it, is further inset to prevent the stow tubbage. All I saw is... I'm pretty sure no matter whether there's a corner or not, you can still hit your toe on something.

No, not if there is a dedicated carved-out region for feet. There's no longer, according... You know, if you get rid of corners, there's no longer solid square intersections, right? Because that's a corner. All roundabouts. All roundabouts everywhere, or at least a nice curved entry. Speaking of the road and roundabouts,

I can tell you my inanimate object I'm getting rid of. The Prius. The Toyota Prius? The Toyota Prius is gone from existence. Wow. Look, I realize it might be helpful to the environment, but, you know, go all the way, get a Tesla. Go all the way. Either get a Prius.

Look, we don't want Prius. Just buy the Tesla. Just buy the Tesla. Yeah, exactly. You're going to sound like the Leaf. Look, I don't have any problem with a helpful, environmentally friendly car. That's great. I have a problem with the Prius.

Okay. And what happens to human beings when they get inside of it? I know people that have a Prius. I love them. This is still a thing? I love them inside of this vehicle. And that's what's crazy, Mike. You say that's still a thing.

Because a long time ago when Prius first came out, I was like, oh my gosh, a Prius on the road. They felt pretty good about themselves. And it's like they don't know how to drive my my father had a Prius when I rode in that thing I felt I felt far greener than everyone else oh man but you're all bunch of polluters I just feel like they don't know how to drive in that car that car has limitations inside that remove that remove your ability to drive well. I thought you were referring to the arrogance, the fart sniffiness of one who they feel that they are. The road vegans? Yeah, sure.

Yes. Sure. Yeah, so in this, I'm just simply helping the world. Not the planet, but the world. Yeah, I'll go with glitter. Okay. Although either one of us should have said guns or something but oh yeah whatever well prius is all the weapons in the world get all those

efficient cars out of the road goodness gracious okay um next question this one comes in from Eerie Dynamic. What is the best show you've had to watch because of your kids? So your kids force you into this situation. We're all dads. We all have three children. We all turn the Netflix or the cable on for them. And then you end up, you know, maybe you're on your phone or your computer. Maybe you're watching the show with them. They're like, Dad, watch it with me.

Dad, watch it with me. What's the best? What's the show you're like're like oh i kind of want to see what happens next there's a show that i got absolutely sucked into like my daughter jersey was not allowed to watch the series finale without me i would have been so pissed really yes truly this has to be a disney show no i mean it was so good And I'm like She's like Oh, I'm at the last episode And I was going on a trip

We were traveling For the Fantasy Footballers Doing the Fantasy for the People tour And I'm like You have to wait till I'm back And she did Thank you, Jurors No, it's Girl Meets World

Okay Because I grew up watching Boy Meets World And it's the same people You got It's a pets World. Okay. Because I grew up watching Boy Meets World, and it's the same people you got. It's a panga. Corey, right? You got Corey. Is the friend still there?

Is Mr. Feeney in there? Oh, Mr. Feeney's absolutely. Who's the friend? Sean? Sean, yep. He's in there. I mean, and then there's this- Mr. Feeney's still out there.

Yes. He's still alive. He's kicking it. I was shocked, man. In the season finale- He's an elder gentleman. He is not alive. He's kicking it. I was shocked, man. In the season finale. He's an elder gentleman. He is. He's a senior.

Not a young lad anymore. Is he still giving great life lessons, though? Oh, of course. You always listen to Mr. Feeney. I mean, that's just common knowledge. But, yeah, I loved it. It was a great show. Got canceled too early.

Yeah, I loved it. It was a great show. Got canceled too early. I would... For me, the answer is any baking show in existence. Oh, yes. Because none of them... Like, when I'm browsing my own Netflix, I'm not clicking a bacon show. I'm just not.

They never... It's like... What about a bacon show? I know. Every time he says it, he's saying bacon. And I'm getting really hungry over here. But the reality is that the way that any cooking show of any kind it could be the most niche thing you know what i mean it could be

cupcake show or bagel show or whatever it is or bacon or bacon show i never think i want to watch them but my kids love them would you say that those shows are just sizzling i would say they are delicious so i would say i get sucked into all the my mariah carey reference is bad and you bring you're bringing that oh the bacon jokes were great because here's here's the difference everybody listening heard him say it's a bacon show you heard it right i did so that you're the cooking show i I think it's the, I get into those too. It's the completionist. It's the I have to see what does the final product look like. That's where they get me.

Master Chef Junior was a massive hit in my house and creates so many messes because my kids want to play Master Chef Junior. And it's not okay to say, okay, well then you guys get to make the chicken nuggets. No, they want to make the chicken nuggets no they want they want to make a masterpiece with flour and it becomes very messy the one show that i watched every single episode with the boy was the reboot of the ninja turtles it was fantastic it might still be going on i'm not sure but we would record it and it was sundays with there was new episodes and it was like i i would look in the dvr and i would freak out oh there's a new episode and i had the exact opposite where i even considered should i watch this my boy is not available to

watch this show right now should i check out what happened to old Michelangelo. Wow. I wish my kids were into that show. Oh, it was fantastic. What's the worst? Oh, that's another one. The worst show you've had to endure from the kids. Oh, man.

I know the list is huge. Oh, what's the bald little boy? Oh, freaking Caillou? Caillou is the worst. That annoying little... He's bald. He's like six years old in this show. Why is he bald?

Oh my gosh, I hate Caillou. If you couldn't tell. Oh yeah, you hit a home run there. Caillou, he does. He's full Charlie Brown in it. He is a whiny baby. How does one spell Caillou? No, no, no, C-A-I-L-L-O-U.

Oh, Caillou. Just look at how he spells. Think about his name. His name is Caillou. That's the Prius of kids shows. Oh, he's going to grow up and drive a Prius if they still existed. Wow. So Caillou has eyebrows.

He just has no hair. Yeah, he's bald. They shaved his head. His parents shaved his head. And all his friends, I'm looking at his friends, they all have hair. Watch one episode to see over under 50 times whiny baby stuff come out of that kid's mouth. And it's supposed to be like this calm, like, oh, it's just a whiny baby stuff come out of that kid's mouth and it's supposed to be like this calm like okay one of those just a whiny baby yeah what wow uh so there's a um there's a chain of people that have

asked the question does because i was worried about this when you went off on the baldness does he have a does he have cancer so people have searched oh goodness does kai you have cancer? So people have searched, does Caillou have cancer? And here's the response. If you are not familiar, you lucky person, Caillou is a despicable, spineless, four-year-old boy who cannot do anything. He can't grow hair not because he has cancer or progeria, but because he sucks. And even his own body recognizes that he does not deserve hair or food or love.

Yes! Get bodied, Caillou! So that is the, if you search for why is Caillou bald, that's the answer you get. Oh, no! In Google Answers, which may be the funniest thing I have heard in a really long time. Oh, my goodness. The internet is undefeated. Oh, it certainly is.

So, Caillou is the worst. I agree with that. Unanimous decision. I'm actually okay with the chill shows like The Little Bear or what's the... Franklin. I know you guys hate those, but I'm like a big Mr. Rogers fan. I like silence for kids. I think it's important for kids to have...

Oh, did you? I rented that. And you had never grown up with Mr. Rogers. I had never grown up with Mr. Rogers. Paid $5.99 on Apple to rent it. Won't you be my neighbor? Won't you be my neighbor? And then we paused it, made some food, and I realized I don't want to watch this.

I want to watch Ozarks. I still have not watched it, but it's on the list. You've got 24 hours then. That was 48 hours ago. You've thrown six dollars into the garbage. I believe kids need some quiet. I believe it's good for them to have time to process things. So I like Little Bear.

I like that, but Caillou is over the top. Yeah. My kids were like a yo gabba gabba it was insane man i love yo gabba gabba is the essence of throwing a thousand cans of paint at the wall i mean it's just the the modern day paint chips for children yeah i agree with that it's the uh eat up oh there's something shiny the jack black episode of yo gabba gabba i've watched it over a thousand times. Is legendary. That's the best thing I've ever watched with my kids.

Yes. Yeah. That show was great. All right, let's move on. Would you rather? Would you rather? This one comes in from Krigs808 on Twitter. Would you rather live in a zombie apocalypse or an alien

invasion you know what what's funny is uh just a detour as you think about your answer for this i watched that uh the shop on hbo it's called the shop oh is that the lebron james barber shop and they were talking about john stew Stewart was on it and he was talking about how tribal people are right like yes we are a tribal people we try to find people that do what we do or think how we think or look how we look and then we band together against other people like we've always been that way and if there wasn't things like religion to fight over we would fight over something else because we're tribal and And he said, you want to get everybody on the same page? Aliens.

Aliens. Because then we would be banded together as a tribe of humans against the aliens. Right. So aliens or zombies, what situation? That's a really intriguing point you bring up. So the zombie apocalypse, I have spent countless hours. This was one of the most important topics of discussion when I was growing up in high school. We were all huge fans of Night of the Living Dead, zombie movies.

How would you survive? What would you do? And I'm trying to quickly break down this question, analyze which is worse. Where is the threat because the thing about zombie movies is you get into it and you figure out that the enemy is actually other people because that becomes the biggest threat i see because you are you're fighting for a limited amount of resources protection yes exactly and you don't you can't. And you can't trust anyone. You can't trust people. Maybe they've been bit.

Jason is cackling. I'm just remembering the Caillou comment. That guy put some work on Caillou. Continue. And so I think that an alien invasion is actually where you want to be. And for exactly the reason that Jon Stewart talked about is it would be independent state. And of course, I mean, the Americans would come through and we would have to save the entire. You just said we'll all band together.

But we're the ones that come through America. That doesn't mean we're not all on the same team. This is the human race. Yeah. But the Americans are better. It's all one. We're just better no but the alien invasion that's i think that's where you would you would want to want to be i'm definitely taking the

zombie apocalypse because when the aliens show up to invade they're superior well they could be they could also show up and be like little slugs that you step on. What if it's Mars? I really doubt. What if it's Mars attacks? But then again, they flew across the galaxy. That's my point. They flew across the... If aliens invade after we are able to also invade another alien planet, then whatever. Game on.

All right. It's a fight. But there are a lot more variables, I feel like, with the alien situation. Yeah. I mean, they could just be... The odds of them being at a level in which we are an even match seem impossible. Of all the things that could ever happen,

if they show up, it's doubtful that they're like, two arms, two legs, human-sized body and strength, and we can have a real duel. Exactly. It's more like... They whip out their guns. Yeah, what's the... Pow, pow.

Starship troopers. That's more likely. Oh whip out their guns. Yeah, what's the... Pow, pow. Starship Troopers. That's more likely. Where they're bugs? Where they're giant bugs that just, you know, you're a shish kebab. I feel like you could escape the stupidity of brainless zombies. Get yourself to some island where other people have gotten to and rebuild. Well, we've already been there. We've prepped that island up. Jason's got the food.'s got i got coconut he's up in a tree he's double

safe yeah i'll probably just stay up there i'm gonna i'm about to go walk all over your sos in the sand don't get me off this island but i i definitely think higher probability of living against zombies well but that's one of It's not the zombies, though. You're also up against other humans. I'm already up against other humans. Actually, that's kind of the narrative in a lot of those books, like The Road. Even though there's no zombies in The Road,

Cormac McCarthy book and movie, you're basically in a situation where you become, look, historically, people are bad, bad, bad things. Yeah, they do bad things. When you war, things like historically, people are bad, bad, bad things. Yeah, they do bad things. When you war, things like that, people are not good. When it's me surviving or you surviving, you are correct. If you have not seen The Road, have you seen it, Jason? Only outside by my car.

Great. Thank you. Sorry. Thank you, Jason. It was bad. Buy my car. Great. Thank you. Sorry.

Thank you, Jason. It was bad. I saw it. I watched The Road kind of shortly after my first boy was born. We've talked about this. That was a mistake. It will wreck you. The book is-

It's just spelled like The Road? It's by Cormac McCarthy. The book is a thousand times better than the movie. But it is. Is that a Prius thing to say? Yes. Okay. But I feel like, I guess what happens when you read a book you put so much time and effort into it and then someone comes along and they want to be with you on the movie and that's just not right

mike you don't get to jump in on my book i've i've had the book read to me oh really yeah oh okay when he was five yeah no no i did the audiobook the audiobook. Oh, okay. You're in. I have experienced both. Do you agree with the 1,000 times better? No. Is that the average ratio from book to movie? 1,000, yes. I think they're both fantastic. Harry Potter books, superior.

Movies, great. Yeah, I agree with that. Depth. Anyway, yes, people are bad. But check it out. Would you rather? This one from Screaming Nachos. We'll wrap it up here. Would you rather, this one from Screaming Nachos, we'll wrap it up here.

Would you rather be a villain who never loses or a superhero that never wins? So you're a villain that never loses or a superhero that never wins. Can I? Yes. You can change it if you want. No, this is tough.

Or Caillou. Or Caillou. Let's get back on besmirching Caillou, the cartoon little kid. Go ahead. The floor is yours. I don't want to be bad. It is not my desire to be bad, but... You like winning.

I have to win i think i i think that's i think if you just put all the cards on the table that's the most important thing is winning is winning it's just i mean what good are you as a superhero if you always lose that's's an excellent question, but let me ask you this then. Let's frame this with, does a superhero like Batman, let's go DC Universe because they have a pretty strict, we will capture all bad guys. Batman, how many times has he captured the Joker?

And technically he won, only to find that the Joker has broken out, wreaked havoc, has attacked hundreds of innocent people, has in fact killed hundreds of innocent people. Why doesn't the superhero kill these people? But that's the question. Have you won if the supervillain is always breaking out? So what you're telling me is Deadpool wins, Batman loses. I've always been curious about this.

Does that make Deadpool a villain because of that? Because if you're killing... How do you define hero? So wait a minute. Is Deadpool the best supervillain? Is he the answer to this question? Because he's both? Well, I mean, he's clearly not a good guy.

Are you a good guy killing bad guys? I don't know. This is a Dexter situation. You know? Are you a good guy if you're just killing bad guys? Here's the problem with that principle. When you kill somebody to save lives, you don't actually get to know how many people they would have

killed. If you could have a... You know what I mean? Like, if you knew... Let me ask you this. We're gonna convert this, would you rather. Hypothetically, Jason, you know that you're walking down the street and there's a person at the end of the block. Okay. And then someone tells you that person kills

50 people next week. Okay. What do you do? I just ignore the person that does not know the future. What do you do? And I walk on. I go, okay, crazy person. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, because you've been told that? Yeah. I'm not trusted. Someone that tells me this guy's going to murder 50 people. You're blowing up the question. Because 10 minutes ago, that guy was like, I'm going to get this sucker so good. I'm bailing you for real.

You know for real. It's not this guy. If this guy just appeared out of nowhere. No, it's not about the guy. It's about the fact you have real knowledge that this person down the street is going to kill somebody. Going to kill 50 children. I lock him up. I mean, like genuinely, I guess I'm the Batman.

You're Batman. Deadpool would not do that. No, no, I guess I'm the Batman. You're Batman. I'm the Batman. Deadpool would not do that. No, no, he would not. I'd put him in jail. What if your only choice was to ignore it? I'd never ignore. Or take him out. I'd take him down.

You would take him down? I'd take him down all the way. That's my best Batman impersonation. It's the worst. Swear to me. So that's the dilemma, right? Yeah, I mean... Mike, would you kill the person if you knew it saved lives?

Would you take one life to save 50 lives? Right. It's weird. I don't know, man. You don't want to answer. How different is it on a street corner versus in war? Right. Right.

Well, this is the whole baby Hitler thing. This is the whole would you kill a baby if you knew it was baby Hitler. Oh, this is terrible. I know, but this is for a different podcast. Daily dose of nonsense. I'm sorry. We're going down the rabbit hole. Let's get back to Caillou.

Would you take out Caillou? No, I would absolutely take out Caillou if it meant nobody had to ever watch that show. Just get a real strong eraser. Yeah, that's fair. What if he had hair? How much would that help? It wouldn't help much.

He doesn't get hair, but he gets a really sweet mustache. that's hair so villain that never win uh loses superhero that never wins i'm gonna be are you villain that never loses and you want the power yeah i'm ashamed wow i think that's my answer where. That shouldn't be my answer. It shouldn't. You've revealed a lot about yourself on this show. Oh, no. Winning above everything.

What'd you do, Mike? I'm with Jason. All right. I think I'd be the superhero that never wins. I like odds like that. Of course. You like impossible odds? Yes.

If Mike and I are the villains you've lost no yeah there's no superheroes winning so that's why the superhero doesn't win it's because we chose what'd you guys learn today i know what i learned today i learned that mike has had a very unequivocated perfect confidence that at any moment i stand by it. He could shimmy up a coconut tree. I stand by it. He could shimmy up a coconut tree. No problem. Somebody's been doing those who are the like the calisthenics where you squeeze the knees together

Oh Susan Summers Susan Surandon. No Susan Summers the thigh master. Yeah the thigh I'm doing it right now. You can't see it. You've been doing it under the desk every podcast. That's what I learned today. I learned that the gargantula is a real thing and a terrifying ghost.

And the lava land. It's the lava land. And I learned that Jason puts winning above literally everything else. His own moral and ethical code. It's not true. I learned that Caillou. Oh, God, body. He just shaves on purpose. It's a choice. I learned that Caillou Oh, God, body. Shaves on,

he just shaves on purpose. It's a choice. Maybe it's Mr. Clean. As a kid? Yeah. Whoa. Goodbye. Thanks for listening

to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com are up to, check out