Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 140: My Noble Gas & The Best Elements - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

On this episode, we talk about playing board games against professionals, becoming pregnant, dirty underwear protocol. We also talk about how to prioritize a friend’s feelings over financial gain. We close down the episode with a draft of the best elements on the periodic table. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

Hey, Spitwatch, this next episode is probably in our top 50 best episodes. Oh, most certainly. Top 75 episodes we've ever done. It could be as high as number one overall. I don't know. I can speak to that. It hasn't happened yet. It is in that range.

Wait, we haven't had a number one? Oh, no, the show that we're about to do. It's about to happen, Mike. Now, hold on a second. Before we jump into that, I want to remind you you you can support the show if you enjoy it if you're on your long journey through all the episodes and you want to say hey i love this i want more and i don't want any ads and i want to listen to shows ahead of everybody else my show and i want it now you can support the show by going to join the spit.com and becoming an official Spitwad.

Head over there right now. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scoop, doop, scooby-doo-doo, come on! Welcome in, everybody. Oh, man, your face told me you were, I thought you were feeling that scat so much you were about to just jump in.

I did think about dropping a little dee-dee-dee at the end. You should have. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Yet another fabulous episode. Back in studio. Jason Moore is here. Mike Wright. I'm Andy Holloway.

It's nice to be back in the studio together. To be able to not have to look at a zoom screen yeah like that's my that's my favorite great you you're not enjoying my company you're just so close to me oh i mean we've got to be able to hold hands or else why would we even be in person welcome into the show we have would you rather on today's episode some life advice we're going to dole out. Always valuable because when you think about it, almost everybody has a life. And they can apply the advice to said life. I've been told to get a life. Right.

And did you? I'm not sure. How do you even know? How does one measure that? Can you go someplace and they'll tell you, yes, sir, you do have a life now? Yeah. I mean, this is the place where you arrive for those conclusions mike i can inform you you do have a life yeah it's uh i know i was put i put i put the suspense on it for you but

when you unsubscribe from world of warcraft that is the moment in which you you got a life you've obtained the life life. But yeah, I mean, a lot of people. What is this feeling? It's a life. They pay a lot of money for life advice. Yes. And they go to professionals for that advice. And now you're getting it for free.

Right. And this is like high quality, really important, should always take it. Understated, but really important. Life advice. We have a draft today, which I think will be really, really fun. It's going to be a wild one. This is up there with the best colors draft

for me. I'm excited. I'll be honest. I felt a little uneducated, but we'll get there. It's been a while since i've taken some high school uh chemistry it's not only when you well you have to start the show with the scat that means you have the 101 right in our draft and it's not always where you're really happy you have the but you are but it i mean in a draft like this where there's such a clear first pick.

There is such a clear first pick, Mike. There is a clear first pick. You both agree with that. 100%. I have no idea. I don't know that Mike has any idea either. Oh, you don't know whether Mike's even right. Right.

We'll find out. It's going to be fun. But I have asked Al Borland, who is here. Al, say hello. What's up, Spitwads? I have asked him to vet our answers because there is the chance on today's draft that somebody misfires. I will be honest. When I was creating my list, I put something on there because, like, of course this is an element.

And then— We are drafting the best elements on the periodic table. And after I put it on my list, it's like, I don't think that's actually. And were you right? It wasn't. Yeah. That is. Yeah.

I had one written down that was wrong as well. So we'll go over our inventive. Unobtainium. No, it's a real thing. It's just not actually an element. Exactly. Yeah. Now, Jason's like, wait.

Now I'm worried. That can be. Now I'm Googling. At SpitballersPod, if you want to follow us on Twitter, appreciate everybody who has left us reviews, subscribe to the show. We do read them all, and they make us happy. All right, without further ado, let's jump in.

Would you rather all right all right our first oh no first would you rather question comes from one of our patrons old mcdonald says would you rather personally carry to term and birth one additional child or have three additional children the traditional way how many kids do you want in your house and how many do you want in your tummy so wait just to be clear this question is really specific to us would we personally rather carry determine birth one child or just like our wives carry determine three additional children. So we, we all are fathers of three.

Your family will either your family's expanding either way. Now, is your body expanding? Are you, are you taking it to six? I don't, I'm not working. I don't give a crap about the body expansion.

I was carrying it yourself. No, I'm saying that that's the problem is i watched my wife give birth to all my kids and she did uh she did two of them we did home birth for two which that's an unnatural thing with with no painkillers it looked unpleasant it looked very very thumbs down like i mean i i hurt and i didn't even right i was i was just. You almost passed out. Yeah. Her physical pain was so intense that it transferred over to me, and I was like, man, we should really be worried about what's going on with me right now. So the actual thought of having to do that.

I think one of the best parts about being the dad is you don't do the pregnancy part. You get out of it. But is it worth having three more kids? That's a lot of more kids. And these aren't triplets, okay? So you're going to be adding and adding and adding. Oh, man. That's more.

It's about double your current kids. It's about double, but it's also about the length of time It's not just double It's probably three solid years Of the newborn What age do you get out of diapers? Is that like three? Two and a half

I don't remember anymore I'm still in them The quickest that you're getting out of them What would that be? Like five and a half years more of diapers. Or I carried a term. Right. And a couple years from now, we're moving on.

Our family is able to, once you're potty trained and talking, then you're a human. What car are you driving? Oh, man. You've got to drive a clown car. You're going to need an industrial-sized van. Yeah, you would. And I know people that have this many kids, and that's what they purchased. Okay, there you go.

They purchased things that you should buy if you're running an HVAC company. You got no business putting people in these vans. Well, what company are you opening? There's no windows. Just too many kids HVAC. There's just benches on the side and you strap in against the van wall. I guess I would go like a small school bus at that point. Why not?

That'd be pretty cool. So to answer this question, I mean, the birth process will be difficult from an anatomy standpoint. But I'm going to go C-section. I think that's kind of, you're kind of, oh, you're going C-section. I'm going C-section for sure. I'm scheduling this thing. And when is that, when are you due? Yes, that's the other nice thing is that now I have an excuse for my belly.

Oh, this is all you, but you got it. You got nine months of eating whatever you want. That's right. I'm eating for two, baby. Oh, no. I'm putting it down my baby's gonna be healthy also hair growth is excellent that is true is that it's like nice oh yes gosh my wife's hair was unbelievably thick and healthy yeah but then you have the child and

kind of the opposite happens jason like hey i'll take nine months of good hair because I already have. My hair is already bad. Would you get nine months of good hair and eating whatever you want? You are the perfect candidate to get pregnant. To a junior. Yeah, I'm going to junior over here. I will be Arnold Schwarzenegger with a baby. Give me one because I'm not dealing with five and a half years of more diapers and waiting to be able to go out.

You know, you get to a certain age where you can. Oh, I just want you to end up with triplets. Like, it's not built into the question, but somehow halfway during the term. Just one additional. I know. Yeah. So where are you two? I can't add three more children to my life.

I will endure whatever stretch marks I will get. I will endure that pain, that recovery. And I will remind the family every day. I'll remind my wife, I saved us from two kids. I guess I'll take

three the traditional way. Alright. No way. I know. All right. Jeremy from the website says, which game would you rather play for cash? All right. So you're playing these games for money. Scrabble against an English professor.

Oh. That's where I'm going to fail there. Jenga against a structural engineer or operation against a surgeon. I feel like this is really easy. I'm playing Jenga. It's Jenga. A structural engineer. Look, I am no structural engineer,

but I promise you I understand the structural engineering of Jenga. He's not getting a leg up on me because somehow in his studious going to a university for architecture he's now all the square blocks are the same listen i have a secret as to why these blocks stay up no we get it there's three blocks across i have a minor in jenga so uh so here's the thing i thought originally when when you were reading this question it was going to be against each other like yeah i did too scrabble was out like i i am not good at the word i play some scrap i suck at scrabble oh nice i'm so bad yeah that's the one i want then you guys have

anybody in your family that is like the savant at word games my mom yeah my stupid wife my my my brother-in-law is that way and it's and it's you can't play any i don't care if it's boggle or scrabble boggle's the one that we've we the beginning of our marriage first few years we played a lot of boggle and then we decided stop playing boggle or get divorced how much of uh words with friends did you guys play and pretty pretty good amount when that swept i mean and if you don't know what that is it that's it's called scrabble it Scrabble, but you're playing on your phone against someone who else is on their phone. And that means they are not watching you play.

Oh, so you can cheat. Oh, Jason, you're saying this like you're just thinking of this now. The question was going to be what percentage of your playing Words with Friends was actually you playing or you just going into one of those dictionaries? I have a pretty strong no word game rule so i did not get into words with friends but if i had i would have cheated oh absolutely because i i really do genuinely enjoy winning yeah it's one of my it's one of my favorite things and i i don't like to lose and so this is why I don't play games like word games, because I am bad at them. I think a surgeon would actually be better at operation, and I think an English professor would be better at Scrabble,

but I don't think a structural engineer would be better at Jenga. For operation, it's shaky hands. I got shaky hands. Do you? Yeah. I've had them my whole life. I got a little shake okay so i can't play i can't do the operation are you guys good at jenga i mean am i good am i bad i

don't know i i just has anyone actually played jenga in the last 10 years i have i'm very good at jenga what yeah i'll take you guys down okay for money now oh yes only for money do you play the small scale or do you play with the the the bar game with the giant blocks it's more often in recent history is the giant blocks the outdoor game but i don't count that one right like that's not jenga no because that's jenga the jenga is a game in my opinion that is who will randomly be selected to lose that's the way I mean Jason's nodding I get it you know what I'm saying it's like uh any of those games where it's like you know eventually you run out of moves right yeah you're saying like at some point it's

going to the person will it will land on someone where they have a much more difficult time because they- You got to get the middle block out. It's drawing the short straw. To me, it's the equivalent of if we had a bunch of blocks and we just stacked them, and it was like, keep stacking them. Whoever stacks the one before it falls loses. That would be random. Yeah, except I'm- It's not completely random yeah there's there's some there's some skill there all right uh yum spray cheese from patreon says would you rather always

have to have the painful tingling of a foot that's asleep or always have the feeling that you just hit your funny bone so yesterday i dealt with a really severe case of my right foot being asleep. It was incredibly painful. A severe case? I didn't know that there was severity. Now, is this like a sleeping event? No, it was literally right here. Oh, I know.

I recall it now that you mentioned it. Yeah, I was sitting in this seat. I think it's a skill that you were able to get your foot to fall asleep, not toilet related. Because that's the only place I can think of where do my feet fall asleep? Right, because you're like cutting the blood off of your legs. Is that because of the porcelain's so hard? Well, yeah, and if you are leaning forward, that's when you're –

Is that why they invented the soft toilet seats? No, that's hemorrhoids. That one's for the H. But, you know, I totally understand. It's usually on the toilet, but oftentimes it's because of the phone, especially if you are going to put your arms on your legs. 100%. If you put your arms, you know, if you're resting your arms on your legs,

now your legs, all the blood is being your arms, you know, if you're resting your arms on your legs, now your legs, all the blood is being cut off. You're just squeezing it. What about the explanation for yesterday? So yesterday, it was after the show.

I'm sitting in this chair and because the show was over, I'm leaning forward, totally take a toilet posture and I'm on my phone, arm on the leg and I get up and it was...

I hope it was just the posture. Little mess in the seat but it was that wasn't you're missing the point here the point is less about the urine and potty more about the right foot that fell asleep because it was excruciating and I

don't remember it ever being so lopsided it was only my right foot one foot it's always two. That's totally not... You get... Hold on. You guys are talking about a whole different universe.

You have both your feet fall asleep at the same time? It's not just your feet. It's your entire leg. Oh, yeah. Because you're cutting it off at a much higher point. You have... I'm talking about... I sit with a foot underneath me sometimes.

On the toilet? No. It gets a little messy sometimes, but it elevates me i can see better from up here i had moved off the toilet but uh no i um yeah you've had the midnight wake up with something asleep though where you slept on the shoulder and the arms asleep yeah yeah that that happens too i can't seem to hold my phone up laying down in a bed without like an arm going to sleep somehow. Really? I've never had that one happen.

Yeah. Well, it's a circulation thing. Yes, because you're so tall. Clearly, that's the issue. I think that I was going to say the funny bone is a much more like severe. In the moment, it's devastating compared to the kind of I can live with it, but it's really uncomfortable of a foot asleep. So I'm with it, but it's really uncomfortable, of a foot asleep. So I'm not going to go.

I'm going to go permanent foot asleep. Although I have had on more than one occasion where it was both legs were gone and I stood up and I've almost eaten it several times. Oh, I'm there with you. Where the legs are just all of a sudden because the nerves aren't working and you're not feeling how you're standing. Clearly you're both pooping for way too long periods of time.

Look, we don't all have squeaky clean bowels over here, Mr. Golden Intestines. Sometimes I like Arby's. You live your life, I live mine. I just can't believe you both are dealing with like, you're basically semi with like you're going you're

basically semi-paralyzed when you get off the pot that's 100 if we were if we had to jog 100 broken nose no chance that i don't smash my face what do you do then do you get to the ground and like inchworm your way to the bed you know the scene from wolf of wall street where he's crawling on the ground ow ow borland has this ever have you Have you felt anything like this? Yeah, he said yes. Yeah, I just messaged and said, make that three quarters of the people in this room. I can tell you I have not lost half my body. You're not doing it right.

On the potty. Half my body on the potty. All right. That being said, I will take the sleepy legs because a funny bone is a 10 out of 10 on the. And I don't do that as often as I used to. So it's even worse now. Hitting the funny bone?

The funny bone doesn't happen. It used to happen a lot as a kid. Yeah, as a kid. I was trying to think. There's one very particular instance where I remember everything. I was a kid and I jumped off something and I hit my elbow and it was horrific. But I don't know the last time I've actually really dinged my funny bone. We can work on that.

All right. A guy peeing behind a dumpster from Patreon. Okay. All right. Okay. So this one comes in from Andy. Would you rather spend 21 days on Naked and Afraid, the show, in a jungle, or play 21 NFL games as a punt returner?

Oh, man. With your clothes on. And pads? Do I get the pads as well? Awesome. I really thought this was going to be as a punter. And I think I would have accepted as a punter. Yeah, of course.

That's why it's not that. Right. Because the punt returner is a dangerous game. Yeah. That's 21 games as a punt returner. You're not going to come out unscathed unless you take a fair catch every single time oh there's no rule against that absolutely in which case if you want to go that way you are naked on the field yeah i think for this game

you've got to say you're you're actually trying to return it oh man i am going straight to the sideline every time but oh you're not getting no No, there's no way I could ever get to the sideline. I don't think... If they punted it to the middle of the field and a super long punt and the rule was all I have to do is get to any sideline either way

or the reverse end zone without being touched. That's all I've got to do. No, you could not do that. There's never a chance I would ever make it. It would be so fun to watch you desperately try to get to the sideline. Because you turn laterally and you run as fast as you can straight laterally. Oh, man. I'd be doing quarterback slides as a punt returner. Is there any chance?

I mean, you're blurred on naked in a phrase. Is there any chance the three of us, so we do 21 games as an NFL parmenter, do we make it out alive? Yeah. Paralyzed. Same as the potty situation. Paralyzed from the waist down. I think I could make it out alive.

I am 265 pounds right now. I can take a hit. I'm not saying I can run away from anybody or do anything of substance. I'm also not saying it's going to be easy or no problem getting tackled by an NFL player.

But I... Look, the Gunners... You can take a wallop. The Gunners here on the punt team, those are the small, fast guys, and they're going to smash me. But it's not going to be the 285-pound guy plowing me down. I'd be in trouble. You would be in more trouble.

You would probably break in half. I'd probably lose some limbs. I need a rundown on what goes into Naked and Afraid. I've never watched it. I assume there's nudity, and I assume you're scared. That's what I've gathered so far. You're basically dropped in a forest

and you have no clothes, no shoes, nothing. You gotta survive. Okay, so this is just a random survival for 21 days? But it's you and a stranger. Wait, I have to be nude with a stranger? Get. It would

have to be. Here's the deal. I would die in that situation. I would die of shame. Much quicker. Now, the blurring they do on the TV, does that come with you? Is that in real life, too? Right.

Because if I could do something. It's actually just this plastic sheet you're wearing that kind of has a blur effect. That show is the most perfect example of modern television, right? Let's come up with, let's get Bear Grylls, but let's mix it up and you're naked out there. It's too easy. It's just, I mean, yeah, it's too easy. I would make some clothing real quick. Did you guys hear about the new show coming out, Naked in Jeopardy?

It's just, it's Jeopardy, but the contestants have to be blurted jeopardy it's just it's jeopardy but the contestants have to be blurted so it's like can you answer these questions we should move on in your shame all right um no also i'm taking the punt return and i just realized i will never be tackled you'll probably get paid i will never be able to catch one of those punts yeah that's also i will be fumbling and muffing every single punt coming my way. I think the second you drop it, you're like, fair game, though, to get smashed. Yes. I'll lay down. All right.

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All right, before our very important and special draft we do have some life advice to dole out and we talked about this this is important um it's good to find the rest of your life if you listen to it carefully uh i don't know what the question is mike from the website says i have just found out that i'm going to be a dad to a baby girl oh fantastic congratulations uh you guys all seem to really hit the mark as cool dads that is right what is your advice on how i can be the hip new dad on the block and secondly what should i avoid what's the most uncool dad thing that you guys have all done oh oh brother uh i i i can everything i do is cool so right that's what i was gonna say i can honestly

say like i don't think I've ever done an uncool thing now is it uncool to me or to my children they've now reached the age of embarrassment which is awesome that means you can do absolutely anything you want and the worse it is

the better it is because it's on purpose I think the worst thing you can do is actually try to be cool. Does that make sense? You're the cool dad unless you're trying to be – That's part of being cool. You can't try to be cool. You just are cool.

That would be the most embarrassing thing. You know what I mean? Like your son or daughter has a friend over. You're just trying to be like – I'm trying to be a cool kid. Come out with your letters. You guys want some Twizzlers? Leather jacket on. You're like, ooh, who wants pizza pockets?

Hey. Is it just Stamos now? It's Fonzie, but close enough. I mean, but he wants to be cool. He wants to be the hip new dad on the block. Just be you, man. Yeah, but he's not very cool probably. Oh, Michael, sorry to be cool. He wants to be the hip new dad on the block. Just be you, man. Yeah, but he's not very cool, probably. Oh, Michael, sorry to hear that.

Not everybody's cool. And his name, Mike, that's obviously... You're up against it. Yeah, that's tough. Well, first of all, you're going to want to get a couple books on dad jokes. I can recommend some for you. Oh, yeah. You need to brush up on that.

I think that's going to be... I've had these dad moments in the last few weeks where I've had to pick up the kids from school. I'm not proud of this, but I go to pick the kids up and you got to go in

and sign the kids out in the front office. And both times, I am saying to myself, please don't ask me their teacher's name. Please don't ask me. Please, please, whatever you do, don't say what class is he in

because I'm about to be so embarrassed because I can't remember. You got to know your kid's teachers. At one point, you know my memory. I got three kids. There's a lot happening here. It's been a long year. They've had different teachers.

But both times, I didn't think about it before. I could have done the research beforehand. But I go in there and I go, oh, no. What if they ask me what class to get the kid out of? I can't believe they haven't asked me. Oh, I know. Every time I've signed my kid out, you have to give the kid and then the teacher's name. I just write, you know.

Do you really? No. Oh, I was like, I could see that. It was like, oh, there'd be a funny joke. They're never going to look at it. Yeah, that's surprising that you don't know your... I mean, I know. I think I know some teacher's names.

I'm not sure which is which. Okay. We haven't been on campus a lot this year, okay? Okay, that's fair. I'm just perusing my arsenal of dad jokes over here. For Mike, you can hit your daughter

with this when she's of listening age. She listens to the show. The baby daughter? The baby girl? She should listen to the show. The baby daughter? The baby girl? She should listen to the show. Oh, the other mic. Yeah. Not you.

No, I was talking to the questionnaire mic. The mic from the website. What kind of ice cream is bad at tennis? What kind of ice cream is bad at tennis? I don't know. Soft serve. Oh. All right. All right. Man, that makes sense. Soft serve. Oh, alright.

Man, that makes sense. Go get some tattoos, Mike. That'll make you cool. Stay cool. Adam from Patreon, as I was getting dressed for work this morning, I realized that I am all out of clean underwear. Been there. Yeah, we've all been there. Should I put on yesterday's dirty underwear, which is

only one day old, or should I go to the hamper and pull out last week's dirty underwear that hasn't been worn in seven days? So this question is fundamentally, is recency the most important factor or time to air out? Like seven days, has something happened that's positive in seven days to that underwear? And the answer is no. No, the answer is absolutely. Oh, it's better for seven days to have passed? And the answer is no. No, the answer is absolutely.

Oh, it's better for seven days to have passed? It is absolutely. Way better. Adam, number one, you're going to have to get over it. You're going to have to go full in for the smell test. Whoa. Oh, yeah. I'm willing to risk without the smell test.

Yeah, I'm not doing the smell test. Oh, you got to do the smell test. Wait, are you smelling the crotch? Yes. The front and back. You got to get in there. Not just a general like. No.

Not just a, do I smell it from here test? No, you got to. That's what I would do. You got to get in there. You got to check it out. Then you got to go in the hamper. Put it over your head like a mask. Wear it around.

Try it on for a second. I'm telling you, you will be happier if you find the least smelly pair and you put them on. This is a psychological endeavor. This is not about smells. Both pairs should not be worn. That's the truth. In a perfect world, you're putting on a new pair of underwear, right?

But he's out. Right. That's what I'm saying. So he's commando. No, no, no. At this point in time, it's psychological. And here's what you do. You begin by taking the pair that's on the ground that's one day old,

and you move it to a place that's higher, like on a counter or on the edge of a sofa. Always want to put your dirty underwear on the counter. Go on. Then you walk away for a little while, and then when you come back, it will appear to you to be slightly cleaner. It will seem a little bit. It's moved from the floor to a location where maybe you set something clean. Why don't you just fold it, put it in your drawer?

You can do that. Leave for a bit, come back. That's totally fine. I have one more pair. That's what I, it's psychological. Both pairs should not be worn. Do you inside out them? That's the right call.

Interesting. But then you're, you're getting your jeans or your clothes. Which is fine. Like direct contact, which they never have. It's one day. There's penalties. So you end up throwing away those. No, you can wash the jeans.

Well, look, Adam, I can tell you from recent experience. Inside out, huh? Yeah. I've heard it. I don't know if I've inside out. Never been down that road. No. No, because I smell test.

I ordered. Breaking news. It smells, Mike. Oh, I know. But you got to find the one that smells the least. Oh, no. that road no so no because i smell test i ordered i'll be here breaking news it smells mike oh i know but you got to find the one that smells oh no that's gross so uh we've got your wife smelling for you we've been playing pickleball recently and i just no honey you love me right are these clean all right go ahead, Jason. We've been playing pickleball. You guys should know this story. It's very recent.

It was from last week. I know where this is going. I ordered some awesome new underwear. Love them. They came individually packaged. They're very fancy. Gourmet. They're very fancy. And so I grabbed a pair of my brand new, never before open or worn underwear, packed my gym bag, went, played pickleball, gotten sweaty. I am a sweaty man in all phases of life.

But I play sports and watch out. So I come to the studio. We shower. We get get ready i go to change now i'm an xl man um and i open up these brand new underwear that are individually packaged and my order was incorrectly given to me as a medium and i'm telling you this was a medium. So I have a decision to make. I have soggy bottom option. Nasty, wet, can wring them out shorts. Can't do it.

Can't do that. Commando is an option. And just go, look, I don't have underwear to wear. There's no option. There's the public to think about there. Or, I mean, I'm still wearing pants. Hey, one layer. Or I try to put on these mediums

so i go with option three and i put on the mediums they were tight and i come out i tell you guys a story in about five minutes later i can't breathe anymore we're back to the numb legs your legs were purple we went commando and so adam i would say do your laundry and go come in ken from patreon i've been waiting for a very important personal phone call all day at work We went commando. And so, Adam, I would say do your laundry and go commando. Ken from Patreon. I've been waiting for a very important personal phone call all day at work. This call had large personal financial implications. I finally got the call and headed into the break room to answer it. When I walked into the break room, I saw a good friend alone and crying about something.

We made eye contact just before I did at 180 to take my call somewhere else how should i have handled this situation okay large personal financial sounds like a pretty important call sounds like is there any hand signal you can give somebody if you're on a personal call to somebody that's crying that tells them, I'll be there to care for you soon? Can you give them the one second? No. Hold that cry.

Hold that tear. I don't think that's going to play well. Can you give them a virtual hug? No, this has to be a gasp at what you just heard on the phone. Maybe yours news is as bad or worse than your friends. And then you turn around and you're just blown away. Okay.

I like where this is going. Now, who's got the problem? Did they come to console you? Because if you're both crying, who really is the one that needs to console the other? I think you got a gasp and then throw out a they what oh no disastrous well now we're overselling a little bit too much um who died no what you do what about i know owls going with i'm on my way oh that's good that's good. That's good. That'll work. What about a note? What if you scribbled something like BRB?

I am worried in that situation that my attention would be pulled away from this important financial. If I'm writing a note, I'm not listening to this phone call. And so I can't go there. I really need to focus on this call. This is big financial implications. Yeah, but your friend is crying yeah okay but but hold on this person has been listed as a good friend yeah and i as a good friend uh if i did something devastating and happened to me and i would just found out and then i saw you guys leave and I'll be like what was that all about and but we

would it would be all right because because you are good friends you're understanding and you would simply say Mike I was waiting for this call there were large financial implications and I would say oh I totally get it I respect your large financial implications because I am a good

friend now well that person might say yeah cool cool cool yeah you're getting a new house gotcha yeah my yeah that's what i was just realizing is that whatever is causing the cry yeah it might not be minor and then you're gonna feel way worse later yeah but i can't change it now i can't save Nana no no you can't but you can still close on this house but I can lock in this 2.75% okay that's a good point Mike

I mean Nana can't come back we'll deal with that later I gotta lock my rain in no I mean that makes sense what a good friend you are I just can't imagine that this place isn't this important financial call they're not willing to like you know call you back that's the solution i never thought about that as an object oh hold on i've my friend just had some really bad news call me back in five

but you've been waiting all day you're not getting that call in five minutes how about this how about this and now it's 3.25 enjoy your interest rate oh. Oh, man, that's a lot of money, Andy. That's a lot of interest over the life of the loan. Over 30 years, yeah. What if you do this? Look, you've been waiting for the call. Make them wait a little bit and just say, oh, I'm so sorry. Can you hold on one second?

And you hit that mute button and you test the water. But you give it, you know, a five second, like, what's going on? And then you just determine, like, oh, this is serious or they're being a baby. And then you're like, I will, you know what I mean? Like he 180 and walked out of the room. So what I would do is I'd, I'd get this person in on the same call. You could two birds, one stone, three way call, call your friend. That's crying.

They hop on, on the financial call and you can talk to both of them. All right. If you've got a good enough rate, that just might make them even more sad. I just locked in a 4.5! Oh no, I'm on a 5.75! 5. Why are interest rates changing so fast?

Oh no, Nana and this! Alright, one more quick break before we jump into our draft. Want to thank today's sponsor, Fabletics Men. Fellas, Fabletics Men represents for every guy out there. You want to look your best. When you're working out, you want to be comfortable. You want to feel good.

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The Spitballers Draft. All right. We are drafting the best elements on the periodic table. You know, something that we know so very much about. There's a number of elements on there. And we're going to draft the best. How many? Just how many elements?

I'm going to guess 144. Okay. Pure guess. Okay my in my head it just went to 128 okay this is literally just i don't know this is a high school guess i'm not cheating we know jason will jason but go on no no no my hands are are are up i'm gonna say do you have a chart in front of you what uh what uh how many uh did you both guess yeah How many did you both guess? Yeah. How many did you?

I'm asking. I guessed 144. 128. No, 129. Oh, is it 129? It's 118. Oh! Oh.

Oh, Bryce is right. So Mike wins. We all lost. All right. All right. The best elements. Now, there are factors here in play. There are cool elements.

Yes. There are bountiful elements. There are some real stupid elements. Yeah. So, Mike, you get the first pick. You said there's a definitive 101. I'm trying to play myself into Mike Wright's brain. He's a bit of a science guy.

I'm trying to think, I think you're going to prioritize the essential nature of an element and not the cool factor, but we'll find out right now. Well, mine is coming through with all of those things and it's coming through with a bunch of danger on top of that. Okay.

I can go back in time with this element. If I need to, I can power a city with this because it's radioactive my man i am taking plutonium okay plutonium baby are we that's an element right yes yeah that's that's the one i thought wasn't well someone needs a brush up on their science because plutonium is uh not a natural occurring element i believe is the situation because you have now uranium is part of it though isn't it and uranium is an element correct well no uranium is an element and plutonium is an element they're both elements yes okay so i got to the point where plutonium was it's a great

pick i'm taking now that i know it's really an element i am taking where plutonium was... It's a great pick. I'm taking... Now that I know it's really an element. I am taking PU plutonium. Stinky. Which is just a nice bonus. Yeah. All right. Okay. All right. I had three...

There's a top three to me, and that wasn't in there. I'm not saying it's a bad pick. Mine glows, my man. Yours is going to be popular out there with the science crowd. But I'm going to be honest. I'm going to take the true best element, okay? The actual most important element. I'm not going to mess around here.

It's not the fanciest. It's the most common in the universe. It makes up almost three quarters of the visible universe in weight and yet and yet it is the lightest element how much google what are you doing over here wikipedia i am telling you mike zero googling zero anything this is pure already knowledge i had i'm a big fan of hydrogen okay i can make bombs I can make the universe Hydrogen is everything Hydrogen is like the main

building block of our universe I'm thankful that you took that It's also number one Okay I have hydrogen It's on my list and it's the only one that actually has a note and the note is it's number one on the list.

There you go. I was a little worried because my number one that I'm going to go with here, and I guess I have two picks, so that's kind of cool. I'm going to go with carbon. Carbon is my number one pick. That's a good pick. Diamonds, come on. Us?

We're all? Yeah, we are carbon. All of us, 20% of- Carbon life forms? We're all stardust man i've been called carbon life life diamonds what coal hands diamond yeah all right uh so i will go with carbon as my first pick the essential building block and what i what i do like and i reckon because Carbon's on my list as well, what I recognize about these is, like, you want to be first.

You know, like, it's unfortunate that I wasn't hip enough to realize what Twitter was going to be, and I could have grabbed at Mike. You know, you're one of the OGs. But, I mean, like, Carbon's coming through. What's the short for Carbon? C. Oh, yeah. That's it. Because that's how cool it carbon? C. Oh, yeah. That's it.

Because that's how cool it is. C. Yeah. Hydrogen has that, too, with the H. Yeah, you don't need a further abbreviation. I don't need another letter because it's C. I always feel like Tuesday and Thursday compete. They do.

Oh, for sure. They're so stupid. All right. So carbon is number one for me. This is where it's difficult because I've got some sneaky picks that I think will come back to me. I mean, there are two home run picks here. Yeah. All right.

I'm going to go with gold. Yeah. I'm going with gold. It's the one that makes the least sense to come back to me. Yeah. Who would never would have never. It's incredibly shiny, guys. Have you seen gold lately?

I hear it's very valuable. It's wonderful. It's valuable. It's... Now, but the symbol, though. The symbol throws you off. The symbol's the stupidest. What is it?

I don't even have it up. Is it AU? Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. What? Gold. That's because somebody saw it one day and went, oh. Oh. Oh. I believe that is from the latin

word for yellow is the origin of the au no no it's from oh but it's but it's not yellow it's gold but i know they are two different colors that's what i'm saying like this is this is a bad pick they didn't know how to pick this is a bad pick au This is a bad pick. A-U. I'm being swayed. It's not a great one. It's yellow. It's not a great one. No, I'm going with gold. You guys can take your bitterness out on me later.

It's really the only thing I had against the gold pick is the stupid symbol. Also, you're just wrong. Yeah, Owl has corrected you. It comes from the Latin word aurum, meaning gold, which makes more sense. Dive deeper, my friends. All right. Yellow. You drafted yellow.

I am up, and I'm going to take, look, I thought there were a big three. Gold was one of my big three. Obviously, hydrogen is one of them, as I took. And I'm taking oxygen. I mean, we all need it it's a great it's everywhere hydrogen and oxygen i can do some i can do some things with this you need a little bit more oxygen than the hydrogen well that's gonna be tough because hydrogen's everywhere uh i thought about going oxygen with the carbon i just didn't want two basics you know what i mean yeah but i? Or something shinier. I just got water. I literally got an extra thing.

Yeah. Man. I could buy a lot of water with my gold to tell you that. Not if I've got all the water. All right. Mike, you are back up. You got two picks. Oh, man. I was hoping one of those at least

would come through. All right. Including oxygen? Was that on yours? Oh, yeah. I was hoping one of those at least would come through. All right. Including oxygen? Was that on your list? Oh, yeah. I mean, if I were making the case for oxygen, it's the big O. If I were making the case for oxygen, fire would be part of it. I mean, you need it for fire. That's true.

It is the fuel. Yeah. All right, Mike. So I'm going to dip my toes here into some metal. Yeah. Dive deeper. Are you literally going to dip in there? Yeah.

Well, I'm going to get in the metal game. And I get it gold. It was everything for a while. It's kind of all busted now. Totally. And we've moved on. We've moved on to better metals. Yeah, gold is worthless.

Yeah. You got to get that platinum, my friend. Oh, okay. Platinum. Because you're getting your jewelry. Do people don't want gold jewelry? You get platinum jewelry now. Way better.

Yeah, we had to change my wife's wedding ring, her band. We had to change it to platinum. Like, her band. We had to change it to platinum. Like her engagement ring was platinum. That's right. But then her wedding band was gold. Oh, which one did you get rid of? And she had an allergic reaction to the gold. Oh, no, because gold sucks.

And it took us 14 years to change it out. She literally would take the ring off for like two weeks, put it back on, take it off, put it back on. We fixed that problem. Oh, man. So I have one. So you're going platinum. I'm going with platinum. Okay.

Platinum is very shiny, very pretty. That's PT. PT. All right. I will take the PT pick, please. I have a pick that I have. I guess I will just take. Wait, so you have PU and PT so far.

Oh, man. Oh, goodness. Is there any more Ps on there? I mean, there are definitely. You can get palladium. Very nice. Jinx. Did you guys just science jinx?

Science jinx. I love Michael Keaton. You're supposed to say I love Bill Nye. There are some other Ps out there, Mike. I'm sure you can find them. Throw them at me. Throw them at me. Lead?

You can go with lead. Oh, lead. But lead is just. But PB, so so peanut butter it's as dumb as gold all right i'm not i'm not gonna take it i've got the one that i you've had it out for gold all all your life uh i'm i'm just i'm a little nervous that it's on your list yeah and it won't make it back and i would just be too devastated if it didn't because... You could just go with P, too. Wait, what's P? The OGP. What is it?

Phosphorus. Oh. That's pretty boring. Phosphorus? Jason's platinum. Boron. Jason's going to take some phosphorus. More like borophyll.

What do you got? So, speaking, I'm going to stick him with the theme of pretty. And when you go to Vegas and it's nighttime. Oh, okay. I'm taking those neon lights, baby. I will take neon. I will take NE. I have no idea if it was on your list, but I can't leave this draft without taking it.

It was an emergency pick for me. I got to get it. So that's NE. Yes. Number 10. I can see that. I can see. Of course you can because it's neon, Jason.

That's fair. I can see it a whole lot easier than my oxygen. All right. Okay. Okay. I was worried that you were... There's two that I kind of want left. One, I thought only you would pick.

I don't think I worry about Andy, so I'm safe there. And it's a late round pick. It was nothing special. Okay. It's not even good. Terrible pick. That will be coming shortly. We don't know what it is, and now you have just down talked your pick.

Yes, I have. Instead, I'm going to go like you and Mike with a metal. Except, you know, you're platinum, you're gold, you're soft. I'm titanium. You're gold. You're soft. I'm titanium. Okay, friend. I mean, like my wedding ring, get a nice titanium band. I'm going to be protected completely. So my titanium, you put that in, I don't know, do they put it in trucks and stuff?

Like strong things. You just had to keep going, making your case. They probably used that in big metal sticks. They put that in lead pipes. There's that lead. Darn it. All right. So what are your selections so far?

I've got hydrogen, oxygen, and titanium. Okay. And Mike, what are you up to? Plutonium, platinum, and titanium. Okay, and Mike, what are you up to? Plutonium, platinum, and neon. Okay. And I have carbon, and I have gold. Oh. And I have, oh.

Oh. I have a decision to make here. Two of them, actually. And I'm going to go with the only metal that is liquid at room temperature. Do you know what it is? I assume this is mercury. I'm going with mercury. It's cool.

It's toxic. Yeah, enjoy your death. I mean, yeah, yeah, plutonium over there is just fine. Yeah, I think it's cool. It dissolves gold and silver, believe it or not. Oh, so that's not a good pick for you. Well, no, I mean, I'm not dissolving myself. I couldn't let you get it and dissolve my element away.

Did you know? Volcanoes spew it out. People used to play with mercury. Do you know that? Yes, I do. My dad played with mercury as a kid. The term mad hatter, or mad as a hatter, it's related to mercury because somehow they would wash,

somehow they would wash furs in mercury or something. Interesting. And then so it would end up going into the hats. That's crazy. I used to drink the juice out of thermometers, and it was like. The juice. Yeah. It's like a glove.

You crack that thing open. Now, you know, of course, because I have a theme going on, more like complex, nuanced, neat, cool elements. Oh, there's a theme going on of more complex, nuanced, neat, cool elements. Oh, there's a theme going on? Yeah, here's the theme. Do you want to know what the abbreviation for Mercury is? It's obvious. Yeah, I would love to know.

It's HG. Oh, man. Mr. Wells. So Mercury, yeah. Mercury. That's my pick. Wait, do I have another pick? You sure do.

All righty. Really didn't need to wait for something to come back then, did I? Nope. He's going to go sulfur. All right. The stinkiest of the elements. Don't bait me into sulfur, guys. You've got PU.

You should have gone sulfur. Sulfur smells so bad. Yes. Have you been to a national park where they have the like the bubbling pools like uh i have not i've farted though i create sulfur um no you don't do you i don't think sulfur comes out of your butt jason i do i'm not saying that's what happens for people i'm saying i you personally sulfur yeah um And you sulfur through it. Oh, man.

I was thinking it, and I didn't want to say it. All right. I am going to go with helium. I'm going to go with helium. Okay. Not only does it make your voice funny when you talk with helium in your lungs. Coolest element. And we're rapidly running out.

Liquid helium forms at negative 269 degrees Celsius. There's a helium shortage. There's a helium shortage. There has been. There has been. Now, are they going to make more? I don't think that's how it works. This is no laughing matter, Jason.

Okay. No, helium is the one I'm going to go with. And yes, they just have to... How do you get helium? You dig it up? I don't know. Well, I feel like if you dig it up, you got to be careful because it will float away on you. I think that's why we're running so low on helium is it's all flying away.

They all miss the string. It's extracted from natural gas, a byproduct of radioactive decay of uranium and thorium. Oh, that sounds like something I shouldn't have inhaled before. I mean, because I've sucked a lot of helium out of balloons before. That does not sound safe. When you read that again? It's extracted from natural gas, a byproduct of radioactive decay of uranium and thorium. Radioactive decay in the lungs has to be good.

Get this. Much of the extraction in the United States and the world comes from underground gas fields in Texas, in Kansas. Wow. All right. There you go. Boo-doo-doo-doo. Yep.

So I will close out my elemental draft here. Carbon, gold, mercury, helium. All right. I know where I'm going. I thought this would be my fourth pick from the get-go. The only person I thought might take it might be Mike. Mostly just because it's a cool name.

It's a cool place. Oh, yeah. I'm going Krypton, baby. I don't know what it is, but I know that it produces something that can get in Superman's way. It's a noble gas. Oh, yes, it is.

Which I always thought was an interesting category in the periodic table. These aren't just gases. These are noble. I also create Krypton. You're thinking of Kryptonite, right? No, I'm thinking of my noble gas. Oh, you make a noble gas. Just so many fart jokes.

Apparently, here, I'll help you out. Krypton's a part, because it was on my list, makes up lasers. Oh, that's cool. It's also part of the atmosphere on a certain red planet. Krypton? I thought Krypton was green, but okay. I thought it was green, too. Mars.

Okay. Tomato, tomato. And, you know, KR. So very traditional. All right. I like it. Makes sense kind of elemental abbreviation. Well, fellas, I am baffled.

I am baffled that this element made it back to me. I'm going to take another metal. I'm going to take Fe. Iron. I'm going to take Fe. I'm going to take Fe. Iron. I'm going to take Fe. I'm going to take iron, which I think is stronger than titanium? Probably not. I'm not sure.

I don't think so. Look, they make real strong stuff out of iron. Does iron corrode? You corrode. All right. Fair point. It rusts. What? Emphysema Al over there. What the heck?

I just got to tell them this immediately. It rusts. Oh, man. Hey, that's the symbol of gold. He's not happy. No, he's super upset. All right. Hey, here's some of the not drafted but exciting elements

to me that I didn't mention. Magnesium. Okay. Because it burns underwater. That's pretty dope. That's fireworks, right? I don't know. I'm pretty sure about that. Could be. I had sodium. Yeah, I should have taken that because I love it.

Yeah, I figured sodium would go in this draft. No wonder you took the lightest element. Projecting? Hoping. And then silver was on here, but I... After gold. I could have taken silver after gold. You get in second place.

I had to go to platinum, which we all know is above gold. Is Al still here? No. He has passed on. Let me check. Oh, he is still here no he's passed on let me check oh he is still here okay um all right did you have any more jason i really just wanted to get to sodium um it's one of my absolute favorite things how did you not take sodium i was really captivated by superman okay at the end of this draft so uranium and plutonium are both elements.

They're two away from each other. They're just not naturally occurring elements. Correct. Uranium is? Isn't uranium naturally occurring? You're asking the right question. Not a scientist. Now, what I had talked about at the beginning of the show was,

I was just, you know, like metals are elements. It's like, oh, like oh well perfect I'll draft steel but that's a combination of what iron and something yeah it's like you are taking stuff out of iron you guys scared me because when you know I've been doing all my research just looking

at the periodic table and then I thought for a second at the beginning of this show that you were like well not everything on the periodic table is an element I was like oh I have no idea which ones are what then so you a second at the beginning of this show that you were like, well, not everything on the periodic table is an element. I was like, oh, I have no idea which ones are what then. So you were looking at the periodic table of elements. Worried that some of them were now elements. Mike, if we put our elements together, we make steel because it's an alloy of iron and carbon. That's how you make it.

And uranium does naturally occur. Oh, fantastic. I should dig some of that up. Yeah. Well, you already inhaled most of it with the helium probably. Mm-hmm. All right. I think we're done with the old elements.

What a draft. What a draft indeed. What did we learn today? I learned that structural engineers, whatever, have a great advantage when they're playing Jenga. Oh. Apparently. That they do. I learned that Andy has not really enjoyed a proper double leg toilet sleep time.

You've got to get into your poops, man. And I learned that Jason really hates gold. I mean, just straight up hates it. Unless I drafted it, in which case it would have been great. That'll do it for the show. On behalf of Alvaron, we want to thank you, Spitwatch. Thank you for tuning in, everyone. We'll see you next time.

Goodbye. He's shaking his head. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com What a gas that episode was. My face hurts from smiling. So good. Do you remember when this episode started and we were talking about like joining the spit? Yeah.

That was like 60 minutes ago, something like that. And I remember when I was listening, I was like, oh, I got to remember to do that. I got to remember to go to jointhespit.com. I want to support the show. I want to get the episodes early. This is really for me. Yeah. So I'm going to go right now to jointhespit.com. I want to support the show. I want to get the episodes early. This is really for me. So I'm going to go right now to jointhespit.com and who knows?

Maybe I'll see you there.