Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 141: Blade Hands & The Ultimate Escape Room Team - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

It’s time for everyone’s favorite segment. Liar, Liar is back on the show today and Owl has made a mistake with one of his “facts”. Will it result in his first ever loss? We also talk about a very disrespectful handshake, the effectiveness of the dishwasher, and sharing your birthday. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

Look, if you like this podcast and you want to support this podcast, check out jointhespit.com because you are going to get this show. You can get ad-free episodes. You get early access to episodes before anybody else because you are so exclusive and awesome and good-looking and attractive and smarter than everybody else, and you get to support this show. Check it out, jointhespit.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-splip-a-doop-a-poop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop! I like the poop-a-pap. Was there a poop-a-pap? There was a poop-a-pap. There was something poop-related. It's like a C-pap, but it doesn't smell good.

No. Well, that's not bad. Trouble breathing. Don't hook up to the poop app. Don't hook up to the old poop app. Spitballers podcast. Back at you. Andy, Mike, and Jason welcoming you into this fine hour.

That ending was... Yeah, I mean, it's okay. Yeah, if there was a poop app, it became liquefied there at the end. It just spilled out. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, if you want to follow us on there. I enjoyed it. I know that it's all downhill from here. Jason's got to be breathing easy.

This is the moment where he is the furthest from the next time he has to scat. That's exactly right. It's over, Jason. There's no better moment than basically. Oh, you weren't recording? You weren't recording, Alan? Yeah, we got to start over. We got to do it again?

I refuse. Oh, we have liar, liar back on today's episode. Oh, yeah. The pants continue to be on fire. We've still never done it, right? We've never defeated Al. Correct. When, you know, what makes that segment special is obviously the rarity

and the hot streak from Al winning every single time. Hot streak being 100% of the time. 100% of the time. But when my son, you know, knows a new episode is coming out he asked me two things he says what's the draft and he says is there a liar liar because he wants he wants you to feed it al oh really that's good good for him rooting for dad i'm kind of putting words into his mouth yeah i think he's really probably rooting for al um but i i do have a genuine question like we're today we're going to beat him.

I'm super confident of that. Just like normal. But when we beat him today, will Liar Liar hold the same prestige once his... Yes, it will. Because then it'll be us on the hot streak. Then it'll be can we go back to back, and then again, and again, until...

Because the thought of al being depressed it enlivens me yeah i mean it's really what i wake up for right i like the idea that one win is a hot streak right well i mean it's the beginning of one how are you doing fire al you haven't even said anything i'm sure you've been clearing your throat how are you doing over there i'm doing great thanks for asking okay that's good we have would you rather on the show as well we have a great draft today i think it's a it's going to be a fun one and uh let's get into wit would you rather all right this would you rather? All right, this would you rather question comes in from Andy on Patreon. Not me, though. Oh, you're not supporting the show?

No. Well, thank you to the other Andy who supports us. Who actually cares about this show. This Andy, not me, says, would you rather share a birthday with your spouse or share a birthday with your wedding anniversary? Okay. spouse okay or share a birthday with your wedding anniversary okay i yeah it would be i guess pretty weird having a birthday at the same time as your spouse so we got we got to t-chart this we got we got to get the pros and the cons rolling here okay so pros of sharing the birthday with the spouse or the anniversary. One last thing to remember.

Exactly. That's pretty much the biggest pro there is. That is critical. The older you get, the celebration of the birthday, you know, it dies down, right? You know, it dies down, right? But the older you get, the harder it is to remember when the birthdays or the wedding anniversary is. So if you just time them up. Yeah.

Although, have you ever forgotten your own birthday? No. And the funny thing is, in this situation, you're dumb enough to have made the decision to get married on your birthday. Right. That's on you because you get to choose your wedding day. You don't choose your birthday. How about my birthday? The issue I have here. You wanted a double special.

You guys are like, oh, it's one fewer thing to remember. I'm like, it's one fewer day to celebrate. Right. That's why we're doing pros and cons, Jason. But it's the exact same thing. But you see it as a pro. I see it as a con. I'm saying that the pro, like if you share the date, that means between your wife's birthday,

your birthday, and your anniversary, three celebrations, you only get one celebration a year. I'm all about that staycation life that let's go celebrate. Let's go out to a fancy dinner. I want those moments yeah you love celebrations unless it's birthday parties for other people you want to be celebrated well of course um hold on there so so that we need maybe you just need two birthdays. Ooh. Have you ever considered that? You have my attention.

All right. Now, does that mean I age quicker, though? Yeah, you do. I'm 88 years old. What if, okay, you can declare right now Jason Moore has two birthdays a year. The number of your age goes up you still look the same okay like your your physical aging is still the same right but you would now be almost 80 years old that's on is that worth birth certificate driver's license when you have to i mean i guess you get

discounts sooner that's true but is that worth it to you that now you now you're an 80 year old man yeah heck yeah that's worth it two birthdays i mean it's like it's like it's like will shakespeare said a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet the number doesn't matter i get to celebrate yeah that's true i'm in on that that that sounds like a great i'll add one nuance there because that one was too easy. You do have to get all of the appropriate health exams that a person of that age has to get. Oh, okay. So you start your colonoscopies earlier. And you have to get two of them.

Now, all right. Because it's once a year. Once a birthday. Once a birthday. But hear me out. Hear me out. Mike's looking for unlimited colonoscopies in this situation. Hear me out when I

legitimately currently on current aging cycle am 80 years old and I need to get a colonoscopy I probably won't I'll be like nah I don't care and so wouldn't I still be forced at that point

by rule Peter from Twitter. You can't bend your fingers anymore. Would you rather have your hand stuck permanently in a flat position or permanently in a fist? Can I 50-50? Oh, like choose one fist? Oh, because that would be the most.

You're like that original ultimate UFC boxer who came in with one glove on. He's like, I don't know what's better, gloves or hands. The answer is no, you can't do that. Al Borland is saying, well, you got to. Yeah, you got to press the. I don't know. I don't know if there's an advantage to having one fist and one straight fingers. You can't clap if you're two fists.

Well, you can pound them together, though. Yeah, but I mean, you're not making any sense. Okay, clap if you're two fists. Well, you can, you can pound them together though. Yeah. But I mean, you're not making any sense. Okay. I guess you can do that. Mike's got very strong knuckles, but the two flat hands,

I mean, two flat hands. You can't move your fingers anymore, right? Can you grab better with two flat hands than you can two fists? Hold on. And in flat hands are fingers separated or together oh good question choice al together oh they're together okay so i didn't see that

you got blade hands i can kind of i can do a real bad handshake that way versus oh my goodness handshakes are back it's the op you don't hold on i want to try to shake your hand you this is the opposite oh that's the worst. When someone gives you the floppy fish handshake. Right, this is the complete opposite. I mean, I can't even imagine. I know. We all have experienced the weak gripped handshake. Oh, the four finger floppy.

It's awful. It's just, we're no longer friends. We need to start this whole thing over. But imagine someone goes in for a handshake i mean and just what kind of power move is that i just experienced it and let me tell you it is the most disrespectful handshake i've ever received because he's not willing he's not willing to grab onto my hand at all and i feel like a fool i've just you're the grabber i have just there's not a mutual grabbing i have grabbed his blade if you will and i and now i am an idiot i i highly recommend oh i didn't know we weren't squeezing you have to try this with someone today you have to you have to tell them

that they have to put their hand out in you know in a blade form and then then shake it. All right, give it to me. Give it to me. The feel, you can't express. This audio presentation cannot express how bad it feels. Here, you shake my hand. It's horrendous. Oh, that's really bad. So find someone you love today or just are willing to touch hands with, and you've got to each give each other the the the absolute blade handshake and it is awful and you have to be that person that's your life now

and you have to like fully commit to well which which person would you rather be the you'd rather be the blade right of course you have to be the blade in that situation that's why i'm saying it's the ultimate power move. What's funny is if you translate this decision of bending your fingers, would you rather have your hands permanently in a fist or blade hands? I'm now thinking of, like, what if I get into a street fight? Like, I'm either chopping. I'm either chopping and slapping. You can get a good throat punch.

You can get a throat point punch, yeah. Oh, right there. Right there. The place between your thumb. But then double fists. I mean, that can get a throat point punch, yeah. Oh, right there. Right there. The place between your thumb. But then double fists. I mean, that's kind of ideal. Right, yeah. If I'm fighting, I use them.

For all those fights you're getting into. I might get into some fights if somebody comes to shake my hand, and I do that to them. They might punch me. This is like, we're not a prank television show, a hidden camera show. Unfortunately. Fortunately. a prank television show a hidden camera show unfortunately and fortunately but i need i need to see this i need to see a social experiment where someone is out there blade handshaking people and just what is the natural response of someone who goes in it gets the blade they're

expecting a shake and they're they're expecting a regular handshake. And they get the disrespect. But the person completely leans in, and this is 100% normal. What does that person's face look like? Today will not be the last time that I give someone a blade shake. In the future, when appropriate, and I want to disrespect someone, I will go, because it looks like a normal handshake. It looks like a firm, strong handshake. It presents as a firm handshake.

But I am not grabbing that. I am not. You're grabbing my hand. I am not grabbing yours. All right. But to answer the actual question here, you have to have your hands flat versus a fist. Typing, I mean, you might be able to get away with knuckles, but you want the fingertip typing.

You want the clapping clapping the grabbing is easier I think that there's far more applications there's far more stubbed fingers hard to stub your fingers in a fist on that t-chart that would be a pro but no I'm going blade hands I think I will too

I'm doing it just for the handshakes alright this one is from pscott on patreon light hands I think I will too I'm doing it just for the handshakes all right this one is from P Scott on patreon would you rather live without a garbage disposal or without a dishwasher okay okay I I think I I would rather live without a dishwasher. Really? Yeah.

Now, I'm trying to work through it. How can that be? Because if you don't have a garbage disposal. Yeah, everything's going into the trash. You're having to brush it off into the trash. Right, which is a, I feel like that's a far easier thing to have to deal with than than washing all the dishes without the dishwasher i don't know i i i i mean i'm really

yeah i feel like this is a slam dunk you think it's a slam dunk that you'd rather have this like our uh our family's cabin up north has a garbage disposal and no dishwasher. And how is it? So we wash everything. It's not great, but I can't imagine not being able to wash it. Hold on a second. No, we just got to note that. Stop the question. Pause. We just found out. Al Borland just said, I use my dishwasher as a sanitation machine.

I still hand wash all my dishes. Yep. I wash them and then put them in the dishwasher. Now, do you mean with soap? Yeah. With soap. What? What is happening?

What do you think is happening in the dishwasher that's so sanitizingly powerful? It's hot. You can absolutely sanitize in a dishwasher so he's not wrong there you you there i believe there is a sanitized setting i am 100 the same here guys what is wrong with you guys it's called a dishwasher i don't trust it i don't trust it i've seen the commercials where they put these food covered plates in and they come out sparkly i don't believe what's so funny is I've actually read a consumer reports about this. Look, we're living in 2021 right now.

They have been making dishwashers for 60, 70 years. You can put what's actually dumb from what this study showed is actually even rinsing the plates off very much because these dishwashers are sensing and they will run as long as they need to run to clean the dishes completely. Wait, it senses on the inside? It senses. I thought it was just a timer.

No, it's not just a timer. The newer dishwashers are all sensing. So they say that the difference of a rinse dishwasher or I mean a rinse dish versus just a dirty dish is like nothing you just put them both in they come out the same I don't believe it I mean I refuse that's fine I refuse to believe that their product is good enough to clean my dirty dishes and and sure if I have dinner and I immediately load those dishes right into there and run it right then great but what if I don't run the dishwasher one night and now yesterday's dinner the plate that i put in there is on there is that getting that clean no i do

rent i'm out that i've had to scrub to get something off a plate i feel like there's no way a dishwasher is doing that exactly and here's the thing give it a chance i give the machine a chance i let it prove its worth so here's here's the difference between my wife and I. My wife can load the dishwasher. Let's say we've had a busy week and we've got a lot of dishes to do, and she can load that whole counter in like 10 minutes max. It will be two hours for me to load this thing because every single dish. Because you're washing your dishes. I wash my dishes before I put them in the dishwasher.

It's so bewildering to me. It flies in the face of everything I know about you as a person. Right. I get that. I mean, for one, I don't think you're a germaphobe. Two. No, not at all. I know you don't like doing work.

That's true. Three, you generally spring for a better convenient product. Right. So, like, you probably have a nice dishwasher. The nicest. Yeah, it's probably got a touchscreen on it. And then yet you spend hours of your time washing your dishes ahead of the dish.

It's called a dishwasher. Right. What other machines do you not trust? All of them. Like, do you laundry? Do you wash your clothes before you put them in the in the in the laundry no but you want to know something that is funny so andy's not wrong like i'm snooty with my appliances see him with his bunsen burner over with the toast he doesn't trust that toaster

he pre-toasts i mean if necessary but so i we i'm snooty with appliances. So truth be told, our laundry machines are as high end as you can get. Yeah, John Hammond stuff. Exactly. Spare no expense. I got the nicest thing. It'll do all these millions of modes, and I have never, ever put something in on one of two. It's either a normal or speed wash. Those are the only two things I've ever used.

So why are we buying these, like, is there a difference if all we're doing is a normal wash? Well, certainly not. If you don't use any of the features, it's not a difference. I just feel like it's got to be stronger or better. Because it's newer? So apply that logic to your dishwasher. Oh, man. It's better.

Couple of weirdos we got here, Mike. I wonder how many people out there pre-wash their dishes. Here's how hard it is for you to test this. Put your dishes in and wash them one time. That's what I've been trying to say. And then pull them out and say, hmm, maybe I bought a product and put it in my home that works. Maybe I just bought an hour every other day. No, I can't take that chance.

I will say this. I unload the dishwasher far more than I load. Okay. Part of the big reason is because it takes me forever to load, and whenever I'm doing it, my wife's like, stop. But I have unloaded dishes that are not perfectly clean and had to leave them back in to run again. So there's my proof. Look, there's a runt in every litter. That definitely can happen.

And when that happens, that's usually the byproduct of bad dish loading because you've covered up a jet. You have placed a – You've broken some of the rules. Yes. I mean, the machine has rules. There's protocol for the dishwasher. You can't go willy-nilly with, oh, I'm going to put all the dishes

up top with the cups. Here's one of the nice things, though. When I load the dishwasher, I can stack dishes on dishes on dishes, my man, because they're going in clean. That's exactly why they... Oh, because they're going clean? This is just a place to hold your clean dishes until they get water

all over them. So I want my disposal. All right. We are going to take a quick break and be back with some Liar Liar. Hey, Spillwads. Too often, Mike, you know this. Too often we're choosing between quality or a fair price. Yeah, okay. Tell me more.

Maybe I don't want to pick and choose. I hate choosing. Maybe I want both. Yeah. Maybe life Tell me more. Maybe I don't want to pick and choose. I hate choosing. Maybe I want both. Yeah, it's just, yeah. Maybe life will be a little bit better that way. For a limited time, Mike, Harry's is offering their starter set plus free body wash for just $3.

That sounds like both of those things you were talking about at the beginning. Yes, harrys.com slash spitballers. Let me tell you something. I have been using Harry's for probably five years now. Yeah, five or six. And I was nearly arrested because of how inexpensive their refills were. I picked up a bunch of refills, but I didn't pay enough.

And so they came to my house and investigated. Sir, did you steal these? And I said, no, I did not. It's Harry's. I've legitimately been using them for more than five years. I absolutely love Harry's. I recently gave a gift pack to my father, who has switched to Harry's. And look, you're talking close, comfortable shave, and it's two bucks a refill.

I see what you mean. That is criminal. Quality and a fair price. And for a limited time, Harry's has an exclusive offer for listeners of this show. New customers can get a Harry's starter set and free body wash for just $3 at harrys.com slash spitballers. That is a $16 value for three bucks.

You get a five blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel, a travel cover, and a travel size body wash. It's an incredibly great deal, Mike, but act fast while supplies last. Go to har Harry's.com slash spitballers to redeem your offer. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

I'm not talking trash today. I'm just beating the crap out of that turd. Talk about Al? Yeah. Wow, there's some strong language there. You are beating the crap out of a turd. That's right. There will be nothing left. That's what he did in the scat.

Oh, man. Welcome back to Liar Liar. If I thought I didn't like Al because he pre-washes his dishes, it's going to get worse here in this segment. Two truths and a lie. Three rounds. Whoa. Jason almost had a spit take.

I almost had a spit take. I'm drinking my water here, and I looked at the first factoid here. It made me laugh because it's so stupid. It clearly cannot possibly be true. All right. Round one. Here we go. Fact number one.

Flamingos get their pink color from eating pink shrimp. That's not possible. Okay. Number two. Applebee's once lost more than $8 million during an endless sirloin promotion after marketing executives underestimated how much people would eat. Okay. And number three, psychopaths are often immune to contagious yawning due to a lack of empathy.

Okay. So I love that this one- I like that we're going with psychopaths. Exactly. I like that this one is this scientific, medical, but we're just calling them psychopaths, which is a scientific term. Is it? Yeah.

I feel like there's a longer, more, more medical diagnosis versus psychopaths. Sir, it's, it turns out here that due to our testing, you are, in fact, a psychopath. Right. Your diagnosis. Is that what we've done? Yeah. I don't know. Am I crazy here, Al?

I mean, that's a normal term. I think it is. Yeah. Yeah. Psychopathy is. Oh, that sounds better, but I don't think that's. I feel like it's a personality disorder. Yeah, maybe.

That means you are one the the game of liar liar has definitely flipped uh because it used to be the three of us versus each other right and now it is uh we are united we are a pack so in the interest of the pack flamingos do in fact get their pink color from their food they are white yeah i i know i was pretty sure that was right because you've seen them in different environments and it changes them well see that's what i was thinking is like but is it pink shrimp but would he would he change it for one little thing he's not that kind of psychopath i've seen pink flamingos in plenty of different places you tell me every zoo in the world feeds them pink shrimp yeah that's a good point

I'm telling you they get their color from their food oh man now do I trust who do I trust here I trust no one but you seem the Applebee's one I mean that one's really funny I think it's got to be true 8 million dollars during an endless sirloin promotion it sounds like something

Applebee's would do let's give this a shot and then you know I think it's got to be true. $8 million during an endless sirloin promotion. It sounds like something Applebee's would do. Let's give this a shot. And then, you know, they went overboard. All right. I think psychopaths is the legit name. Of course it is. Yeah, I'm looking this up. Moreover, two of these groups appeared similar to primary and secondary psychopaths.

The first group, primary psychopaths. That sounds ridiculous to me. The reason it sounds ridiculous is because it's so built into lore of like murderers and stuff like that it's a supervillain yeah it's a he's a psychopath like yeah that's not a real thing it's a super but it's a neuropsychiatric disorder okay all right but are they immune to yawning by contagious yawning now they have a lack of empathy is Is empathy key to yawning? Like, when Mike yawns, am I going, I'd like to walk a mile in his shoes? Oh, man. I mean, I don't think so.

I think that's more of a biological situation with the contagious yawning. But a brain disorder is biological right okay very often oh man oh all right um goodness uh i want to take the flamingos and i'm i'm not i'm not gonna pick it mike i'm gonna trust you i'm telling you you're telling me but i am telling you back if that's the lie and i'm wrong and because of you, I will be a psychopath. I'm going to go with the psychopaths one as my lie. I don't think that. I think it's a nice lie.

I think it's a well-crafted Al Borland lie. Thinking about yawning. I don't know. I'm going to go with that one as my lie. I'm going to go with the Applebee's $8 million lost during an endless sirloin promotion. I can't imagine that Applebee's, there's been endless all-you-can-eat promotions forever at all these different restaurants. How could they not have figured that out by now?

I'm going to go with that as the lie. Mike, which one are you going with as your official lie? Watch him pick the shrimp. Oh, that would be the ultimate Peyton switch. I knew that was the lie. After we locked in. Applebee's. All right.

Let's get the official answer and see if anybody's still in the running to defeat Al Borland. Applebee's was the lie. Yes. Yes. I knew that the pink flamingos was wrong. So I've now lost. Great. Now, here's what I know.

I know that the fact that the flamingos get their pink color from eating pink shrimp, fact, I will call it a fact now, I know that that fact is nonsense. There's no way that that is actually true. The only thing that was tripping me up, and I didn't want to Google to ruin anything, is I'm like, I thought they ate brine, but brine is apparently shrimp. So it does say the bright pink color of flamingos

comes from beta carotene, a red-orange pigment that's found in high numbers within the algae, larvae, and brine shrimp flamingos eat in their diet okay so so i was right a little bit a little bit all right i take that as a w all right here's the great part and now i'm going to go around the world yawning and spotting psychopaths if people around me aren't yawning when i'm yawning yeah like lock them up i mean i know you guys aren't big blade runner fans but but in that movie, they have to. Or Blade Handshake.

Is that how they handshake in that movie? But in Blade Runner, they have to, like, they have this really intense test where they're trying to provoke an emotional response from the robot or person to see if, are they an android? You just yon. Yes. Like, the whole movie could have been wrapped up just do it just do a big yawn honestly they needed to wrap that movie up it's crazy because

the whole audience the entire time was yawning and and it didn't it didn't actually you know reveal the truth i should have just let you uh get the joke in yeah Yeah. Sorry. All right. What's the next one here? Round two. Whale vomit is used to make perfume and sells for around $20,000 per pound. I believe it. Makeup is so stupid. I'm pretty sure that one's true. The inventor of the Pringles can is now buried in one. His children stopped at Walgreens on the way to the funeral home to pick out his tomb. I would hope this is an ashes situation.

I would hope so. It was a really big Pringle can. Well, I certainly visualized him in a large Pringle can. And then what flavor? Oh, that's a big choice. You got to pick out a can. You got to go original if you're the founder. You have to go OG.

Man. I mean, if it's me, I'm probably getting some sour cream. You're going sour cream? Yeah, 100%. Although the pizza flavor is really. The pizza flavor. Oh, they've got outrageous flavors now, Mike. I know, but you're going to go with a.

No, I wouldn't go with it. With a trend to be buried in? Hashtag not a sponsor. But Mr. Pringle, or I guess I should say Mrs. Pringle, if you're out there, we are available. go with the trend to be buried in hashtag not a sponsor but mr pringle or i should i guess i say mrs pringle if you're out there we are available and the third uh truth or lie the first documented your mom is stupid joke came from dr seuss's 1949 book bartholomew and the oobleck. Oobleck. Okay. 1949.

Your mom is so stupid. Your mom is so stupid joke from a Dr. Seuss book, Bartholomew and the oobleck. An oobleck is like a gel substance that's not quite a liquid and not quite a solid. Yeah. You remember making oobleck in school? I remember it because my kids are making it. Yeah. Is that different than slime or is slime an oobleck? Yeah, very different.

Yes. Oobleck is like cornstarch mixed with water. I'm allowed to search oobleck here, right? That's not... Yeah, I think you're safe. Yeah, this seems like stuff that if you put it in a tub or whatever and you went fast enough, you should be able to walk on it. Yeah, I don't know if you to walk on it yeah i don't know if he could walk on it but weird all right well anyways enough about oob like whale vomit i'm

gonna say that one is is true i agree i feel i feel like i've heard whale vomit is very valuable you know what else is valuable do they make the? No. Is somebody capturing them and then giving them Chipotle? No, they're certainly extracting bile or something out of their belly and calling it vomit for the sake of this fact. That's how I see it. How do you get whale vomit? That's what I mean. What is happening?

I don't think that the Pringles... Look, he's valuable. That family's not putting him in a Pringles can that they got at Walgreens. If you invent, yeah, that's the part that makes, I will go with that one as a lie. That's the lie. You know, you don't need to stop at Walgreens if you're the kids of the owner. He's got a few cans, doesn't he? If you want to disrespect someone, give him the blade shake.

You don't put him in a Pringles can forever. shake you don't put them in a in a pringles can forever i i'm leaning towards the your mom is so stupid because we go back and we find documented things you're like oh look who who did this first it was the egyptians the first your mom yeah oh you're right so that's totally gonna be what happens here i'm saying that that is the lie all right right. Okay. We're both going Pringles? Yeah, we'll both go Pringles. All right. What's the truth? The lie was that your mom is so stupid joke.

And ironically, Mike, you're correct. The first one dates back to hieroglyphics. That's because it was on here before. We did that one. Oh, for real? Did we really? Yeah, we did. How did you get it wrong then?

Yeah, it wasn't the your mom's so stupid. It was like your mom's so fat joke or something like that. And it was just a your mom joke. That's funny. I had it on my list as one to throw in here, and then I changed it. Owls running out of material. So that means that Mike is still alive. Mike is still alive, yes.

And to clear up a couple other things, whale vomit, it's really waxy, and it washes to shore in these bricks that they collected. And then he was buried in an original Pringles can that they picked up at Walgreens. All right, at least it's an original. The siblings did have a debate over flavor, though. We got the flavor right, so I feel like I'm still in it. I hope they washed it out a little bit, or do you mix them in with the crumbs? I think you want a little bit of the dust.

Did you eat all those Pringles? Oh, that's a good question. Or did you dump them? Is it disrespectful to eat those Pringles? Or is it disrespectful to not eat those Pringles? That is a moral... It's disrespectful not to give the eulogy with the Pringle duck mouth. You know, when you put them both in...

Oh, I know. Everyone knows the Pringle duck mouth. You know, when you put them both in. Oh, I know. Everyone knows the Pringle duck mouth. We've visualized it. Absolutely. You know that thing with bugles where you put them on the tips of your finger? Of course we know what the duck mouth is. Yes. All right.

So, Mike, here's your chance to defeat Al for the first time ever. Let's do it. I don't like this picture. All right. Round three. Manatees rely on their farts to help them swim. That sweet anal exhaust allows them to change their buoyancy and drop or rise in the water at will.

Oh, man. Okay, so that makes some sense. Your buoyancy has a lot to do with how you swim. This is natural submarine stuff right here. This is why Jason swims at the top or the, or the bottom of the pool. I don't know which one. It depends on how recency. Yeah.

How recency. So can you manatee this? Because you're world renowned that you can. I mean, you have a fart counter. You can tootski at will. When I need to, I can get the job done. Have you tried to use submarine powers i have not yet um and unfortunately it is cold outside right now so i cannot swim um but as soon as i can i will see if i can get to the bottom of the pool well what's

funny is you know when we want to do buoyancy things or go to the bottom of the pool we kind of you know you blow some air out your mouth. Yeah, you have to blow out, yeah. I never thought to use the other parts of me. The second one, oh boy, oh boy, these are all related. The second fact, so manatees, that's the first one. The second one is the fart bubble created by the back end blowout of a blue whale is large enough to fully encapsulate a Clydesdale.

So the fart bubble out of a blue whale... I like how you wrote this. That's what it is. Back-end blowout? Yeah. So the fart bubble, could you fit a whole Clydesdale in it? A blue whale's fart bubble. I believe this. I don't know if it's true, but I believe it.

If they... I mean, I don't know that a blue whale farts, to be honest. But if a blue... Everyone po i mean i don't know that a blue whale farts to be honest but if everyone poops and everyone farts if a blue whale farts it has to be big enough to put a clyde's blue wheels exactly unless they go like little bubbles i mean they could they could always have little balls you're talking but i'm sure sometimes you got a big fart sometimes you got a small fart but we're taking the biggest of the big here. That's got to encapsulate. Imagine being that scientist. I just want the YouTube video.

I'm tracking this for science. The third fart-related fact, thanks to Al, is sloths don't often rip one. But when they do, their butt breeze contains so much methane that they are often rendered unconscious for up to two minutes after breathing in their own air biscuit. Oh, man, Al. So Al had a very fun time with this. You've really done something here. I've never experienced Al Borland being so poetic. I'm going to try to help you, Mike.

The descriptive language in this is incredible. This is not a 100%. If you're phoning a friend, this is not a 100% like if you're phoning a friend this is not a 100 I think that one's true I think the sloths do pass out from their own air biscuit but I'm like 80% I don't think

manatees need to rely on their farts to swim I mean that is too extreme right you threw a right at the end of that i yeah now mikey this is really all up to you what are you guys doing but i are you going i would go with the manatees i don't believe that the manatees rely on their farts to help them swim. And that one was written with more extreme language. And I think that that's tried to throw us off the scent.

You're referring to the sweet anal exhaust? Yes, which allows them to change their buoyancy. Owl's back there cackling at his own jokes. Oh, man. So that's where I... So you guys are just dead set on the fact that a blue whale is farting out of Clydesdale. It makes so much sense. They're about...

How big's a blue whale? About 80 feet? 90 feet long? I mean, the biggest... That's a big whale. It's the biggest animal on the planet. How big is a blue whale? Is that cheating?

That's not cheating. I already know it's the biggest animal. Yeah female 82 feet male 79 feet you did you say 80 feet 80 to 90 i mean talk about a nail on it yeah that's quite a guess i'll just close this how big is a blue whale tab over here um mike this is all up to you i think that the i think that the lie is you so i think that the lie is... I think the manatee one's a lie. You feel good about the sloth one being true. I feel leaning that direction.

I do too, but we've never won, so I don't trust my own opinions. That's true. But I mean, both of us are on the manatee side. Yep. We have a draft coming up, but we got to see if Mike wins. Oh, goodness. Okay. are on the manatee side yep we have a draft coming up but we got to see if mike wins oh goodness okay so i feel i feel trapped uh number one i'm not i can't just go with you guys because

you haven't gotten them all right thus far exactly so you're not to be trusted no but we have been close before and we've completely written off one of the answers. I know. Like the blue whale? And then it ended up being the lie. I know. Jason, Jason, you got to help me. What do you feel? Oh, you're just nervous? I'm nervous, and I just don't want Al's joy.

You got to make a pitch. I don't want Al to be happy. Mike, make a pitch. Go with your gut. What is your... My gut says... You regularly beat Al Borland at things in life, like pickleball. So just go with your gut.

You can do it. The blue whale one. Okay. Oh, man. Come on. Oh, thank God. Oh, no! It's the manatees, isn't it?

It was the sloths was the live. Sloths actually do not fart. You, Andy Holloway. I gave you 80%. I said it's not locked and loaded 80 is a really high number i know i just tried to help but you actually hurt but i obviously no one's ever beaten before oh man i ruled that one completely out based on your confidence no shoot now owl at what point did you peak in your nerves, and what percentage of fear did you have?

Going into round three, I was terrified, because I thought that one might, it was a fun one with the language and stuff, but I thought it might be an easy one. It's all my fault. It is on Andy. All right, it is time for a draft, but first, a quick break. Spit Woods, did you know that two out of three men

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The Spitballers Draft. The last thing we need to do is try to help each other. That's what we learned in this situation. Although when you tried to help us, you were totally right about the flamingos. Yeah, I would have 100% picked flamingos. Because that was simply a, I am confident. You knew it. Yep.

All right, our draft today, Jason kicks it off with the first pick. Our draft is fictional characters for an escape the room team. So if you're out there, you've done the escape the room adventures, which I think most of us have done or heard about, where you're locked in a room and given a clue. A series of clues. If you have not, as soon as you can safely do one, you've got to go play. Talk about an industry smashed by the idea of COVID. Will you want to lock us in a small room together?

Oh, no. Where we can't get out or can't escape people have been doing i don't know how but they've been doing online versions interesting yeah no escape rooms are a blast and i have the first pick and i do feel like there's a one-on-one here that's okay i don't i feel like there are at least three picks. I got a number one. I got a number one. All right. Let's hear. Look, when you're in an escape room, it's a mystery that needs a series of clues to be solved. Okay.

And there is no one better in the fictional universe that will always get it right but Sherlock Holmes. Okay. So Sherlock Holmes is the absolute one-on-one pick to me. Is it? To me, yes. I only said that because I wanted you to doubt yourself. We can't argue if he thinks it is. That wasn't the one I was alluding to.

But when I said there's three picks, he was one of them. Yeah, Sherlock Holmes. I mean, I'm already out of this room. I don't need anybody else. Yeah, but now, who is, isn't it Benedict Cumberbatch? Yeah. Isn't he? He plays one of the Sherlock's, yeah.

Yeah. You're in a room with Benedict Cumberbatch. Oh, I'm not taking that version. Come on. I mean, not when I can have Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, as you say, there's a Downey Jr. version, too. Yeah. Okay. All right. So, you're going with Sherlock there's a Downey Jr. version, too. Yeah. Okay.

All right, so you're going with Sherlock Holmes. It's a great pick. It makes sense. You need to solve a mystery. Andy does not know where to go. Is this because you're not confident in your pick, or you don't have a list? No, I have a list no i have a list i am i just don't know who to take now and will who will come back okay okay so i'm a little

concerned about who will go and who will not go um so i will go with um i'm gonna go with batman okay i want i was hoping he would slip to me yeah i'm I'm going to take Batman. I need him by my side. He's got the tools. He's got the mental acuity. He is called the world's greatest detective. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Sherlock Holmes can try and call himself that,

but the Americans have said that Batman is the world's greatest detective. The Americans. So I will go with Batman for my pick, and I feel better about it now that I've gotten feedback. Yeah, no, it is an excellent pick. I figured you wouldn't remember that he was called the world's greatest detective because he's not really known. I've never heard of that.

I'm not saying it's wrong. Yeah. I'm just saying I've. He's not thought of as that anymore. Sherlock hadn't heard of that either. But that's how he started. All right. When they went to the competitions.

So I'm sitting in a good spot here. I got back-to-back picks. The guy who I was talking about, he's my number one because it was the first name that came to my mind when I was told what the draft was. I'm so curious. Because this is a man who can escape from anywhere given any amount of items. Do you have dental floss and a toothpick?

That's great because he just disarmed a nuclear bomb. I will take MacGyver. Okay. He was not even on my list. He was on my list. That's a good one, though. I'm not saying I just forgot him. He was on my list.

He's better at like escaping now that's that's MacGruber right all right so you've got my guy oh dude you probably do I mean in case there's someone who needs a throat ripped you gotta get MacGruber as you say I think every MacGruber ends with him blowing up so that might not end well uh now with the second pick, I have, whatever, I'll just go with it. Now, it might take some time, and there is time limits in Escape the Room. But I know by the end of the episode, he always figures it out. And it's because like a paint bucket fell over, and now he's reminded, I'm going to take Dr. Howell.

No! That was probably my next pick as well. That was my sneaky last rounder. I thought no one would come to Dr. Howell. You were way off. I was. I was way off. That is unfortunate.

He always figures it out. But you did illustrate the problem. And the problem is, you're getting out for sure. Right. But now that you picked him you guarantee that you can't get out until the last second he is up against the clock and mcgyver well a couple minutes no mcgyver's the clock is going three two i mean you've got a team that is our last second team right at the last second so uh we'll be waiting for you in the lobby we what we flourish

man i am really sad were you guys were you guys uh house watchers i loved house i watched the heck out of that and then after a couple years it's like every episode's the exact yeah you know what's happening and then it just it burned out after you know a few episodes you go wait a minute he's gonna figure this one out i'll bet something goes wrong here because it's 15 minutes into the episode that's fair that's fair but uh i am something goes wrong here because it's 15 minutes into the episode. That's fair. That's fair. But I am a little sad.

All right. It's back to me then, right? It is. Okay. I do have another late round pick that I'm saving. And if any of you take it, I'll be so upset. You know what? I'm going to go with actually, it's funny, the first name that pops into your head when you think about this.

Like Sherlock Holmes makes a lot of sense. Batman was my first pick. But the actual first name that popped into my head was from Mission Impossible because I thought about getting out of those situations, and I'm going to go with Ethan Hunt. That's good. He's not on my list, but I like it a lot. For whatever reason, that first impulse was Ethan Hunt. He drops into the room. He doesn't touch the wrong

thing. He gets you out of the sticky situation. He's got plans. He can figure that stuff out. Speaking of blade hands. And he runs with blade hands. When Tom Cruise is running with those hands. I didn't think about the running, but that would have been a point against. Because you're in a room. He's figuring out how to get

us out of that room. I feel like we need, I wish we had a running tracker. I feel like Ethan Hunt has been drafted more than any other person in the history of spitballers. Any other fictional character. That's right. That's right. He'll help you collect a debt. Yeah.

Laser tag. I mean, like, Ethan Hunt is apparently very overpowered. All right. So, Nerf Ethan Hunt is apparently very overpowered. All right, so... Nerf Ethan Hunt. I have two picks here. And I know my first one. My first one, look, you've got Batman. Batman's a genius.

Bruce Wayne, he's great. I'm taking someone I think is even smarter. And I now get two Robert Downey Jr. I figured this was coming. I'm taking Tony Stark. I mean, I'm not getting the Iron Man suit. We're no superpowers here. You don't need superpowers.

But he'll, I mean, come on. I mean, if he can't find the key, he'll just build one. You know? It'd just be like, why don't you just do this? And then escape. Because that's breaking the rules. Well, that's, look. Tony Stark is nothing if not a rule breaker, Mike.

All right. So I've got two Robert Downey. Are there any other smart Robert Downey Jr. characters out there? Who talks to the animals guy. Oh, that's a doctor. He is a doctor. And he is very smart in that movie. Talking to animals is pretty key in an escape room. So when I was thinking of how to get out of an escape room,

I wasn't thinking the way that you two both thought of, like, someone that is good at escaping. I was just thinking intelligence. Just who's smart? Who's clever? Who figures out puzzles and, you know, is just a genius on another level? And again, no superpower here. No, no, no abilities.

Just the mind. I'll take a Dumbledore. Dumbledore is the smartest wizard of all time. But he's so old and slow. We're in a tiny room. He doesn't need to move much. Does he have his glasses? Because if he doesn't, you're in trouble.

I mean, those half-moon spectacles are part of him. He has to have his glasses. Tony. Yes. Look in the corner, Tony. Exactly. You have to deal with that. What is this old man doing?

Those two would not get along. They would not get along. But they would definitely get the puzzle solved. I feel like Dumbledore could have been your last pick, though. Oh, I've got a much better last pick. Okay. I do have one I'm waiting on. You have a much better last pick. Okay. I do have one I'm waiting on.

You have a much better pick that no one was going to take? No, no, no, no, no. I have a fourth round awesome pick that no one will take because it's not good. Oh.

It's great. Oh, okay. All right. It's back to me, isn't it? You are having a tough time. I'm just having a hard time deciding. This is when I was thinking about this, I thought it would be hard to come up with a bunch of names,

and it went the other way where it's like, what's the best name? By the way, I think there is a better pick from the Harry Potter universe than the one you made. Hermione annoys me. Was that it? The way that you said her name was it but uh yeah was that her whatever yeah uh we will move uh forward here and i have to make a pick those are the rules okay house is off the table

mcgruber is available stark is off the table he was on on my list. I'm going to go with Inspector Gadget. That's good. I'm going to take Inspector Gadget. I legit thought about that, but then I thought about the actual cartoon. Right. You didn't draft the smart one. Well, look. He gets everything wrong.

You needed to draft Penny. I feel like because it's a team and he has gadgets, there will be an advantage for us in that room. You know, when you're trying to identify some hidden object, he'll probably have some gadget that gives us, you know, the ability to see through the wall or something of that nature. He will definitely accidentally find it. He'll voice like chief. Yes, he'll be climbing on. Sounds like get smart. Climbing on some desk to reach above a bookshelf,

and then the desk will fall over and reveal underneath the desk. And then his helicopter blades will come out. And let's say you have to try a key on like 100 locks. He could do that very quickly with some gadget. So that was a little out of left field, but I'm going with Inspector Gadget. It's a terrible pick. Thank you. Because, I mean, there's other robots that would have been helpful. Inspector Gadget. It's a terrible pick. Thank you. Because, I mean, there's other robots that would have been helpful.

Inspector Gadget must help. I know that his name is Inspector, but he needs to be demoted because he's a terrible inspector. Agree to disagree. Agree. All right. Man, I see what you're talking about. It's very difficult here to narrow this down. Man, I see what you're talking about.

It's very difficult here to narrow this down. So I have two picks, which will close out my team, sitting with MacGyver and Dr. House. Oh, man. Okay. I don't know if I want to double dip from a show, but... House's assistant. What was 11? Wait, what no 11 is stranger things where didn't weren't they all numbered on house i don't remember i don't either

yeah that's why i went with house's assistant uh i am going to take whatever let's spice this this up here um and i'm speaking so uh my current team they take it to the end but they are successful this guy is always incredibly successful usually turns into a failure by the end of the show but every night he tries to take over the world and is mostly successful i'm going to take the brain from Pinky and the brain, and I don't have to worry about Pinky. Right, messing it up. Pinky's not screwing things up for me. So now I got a tiny little mouse.

That's pretty funny. Big head, big brain. That's funny. He's got different goals. You know what he wants to do tonight, and it's not escape the room. But you can't take over the world if inside that room that's true what made the brain probably would figure out a way to do it yeah uh that's

funny i wouldn't have thought that one and then a terrible pick i mean and then i uh i'm gonna speaking of of better robots i'm gonna jump into the star trek universe oh my god and i'm going to take data that's cool. Oh, that's good. That's a good pick. When you said robot, so I have... I do feel like he may take things a little too literally. He might.

When you said robot, that was the first name that then popped into my head was Data. Here's what Data would say. Data would say, why don't we just go out the door we just came in? Because it's locked. It's locked, Data's locked data we need to escape this room oh why not that back that way finding the clues is meaningless this door will unlock in 55 minutes all right so your final team is macgyver house the brain and data yeah i had only one of those four names on my list.

So that tells you how many options. We all would go a different route. Jason has Sherlock Holmes, Tony Stark, and Dumbledore so far. I have Batman, Ethan Hunt, and Inspector Gadget. And I'm going to go with my heart on this final pick. Because, look, when you're stuck in a room, the truth's out there. Oh, okay. And I'm going to go the truth's out there. Oh, okay. And I'm going to go with Fox Mulder. Oh my goodness.

Because he will never stop looking for the answers. He will find- Mulder, you've ran out of time. He may blame it on- I will find- He may blame it on aliens at some point. The next party is here. They need the room.

But I need to find these answers. But I'm going with Fox Mulder because he, yeah, that's my pick. Okay. I like it. I like it. And here's your ultimate. My ultimate pick. I was worried here because I've got a powerhouse of three that I think definitely could win

the poll. I was worried that this last one would ruin the poll. But now with your picks, I know I'm going to win no matter what. So, I am taking a tall drink of water, Andy Dufresne, because Andy Dufresne will escape that room. Oh my gosh, a prison escapee. A prison escapee. Oh my goodness.

From the Shawshank Redemption. That is a funny pick. I feel like you almost got me to do a s Shawshank Redemption. That is a funny pick. I feel like you almost got me to do a snot take on that one. That is a funny pick. Yeah, see what I mean? I knew nobody would take it. It's terrible. He escaped a room.

It is fantastic. He did escape a room. When I was putting my list together, it did cross my mind to put Andy Dufresne on there, but I was like, no, that's dumb. Now, here's the craziest part. I want both of you right now, and if you're at home or, say, driving, Google Andy Dufresne. Do that for me.

Okay. Google Andy Dufresne. This is going to be really good radio. Is that because I have to figure out how to spell his name? I want you to see how his name is spelled. Oh, yeah. Wait, there's an S in there? Yeah.

What is this name? Is that French? It's not English, that's for sure. Spe is this name? Dufresne. Is that French? It's not English, that's for sure. Spell this name. It's D-U-F-R-E-S-N-E. Where's Dufresne come from? That's going to help Mike and I in the polls because you can't put it in there misspelled. Dufresne, it's French.

All right. So, Jason, you ended up with Andy Dufresne. That's a great one. I have a couple of honorable mentions That weren't picked I did have Dick Tracy on the list For fun I don't know how helpful he'd be I don't either

He's probably bringing out old technology And I'm like dude I don't need that His yellow coat is awesome And hat but that's all I know And I was really really close with my third pick To going Nancy Drew I feel like Nancyancy drew would take care of things and nancy drew is on my list but instead i went with inspector gadget nancy drew

is a way better i know nancy drew gets it done uh she's not funny that's about right and not a cartoon my mentions would be uh spock he's on my list and i i didn't want to double dip star trek so i went with the brain. The Professor from Gilligan's Island. Oh, not from Nutty Professor. No, no. I'm not taking him. But The Professor, not a lot of name power.

And Lisa Simpson is on my list. She's smart. She's incredibly smart. I did have Hermione on our list, too. My honorable mentions, I've got Walter White. Okay. Lex Luthor, but I had a couple of superhero types already. Will Robinson. Okay.

Like a little pigeon. And my personal favorite, Doogie Howser. Oh, Doogie Howser. That would have been solid. This was a fun draft. Is there anybody that you thought of, Al, that we didn't think of? No. No, we're perfect.

You're right. Emmett Brown. Oh. 88 miles an hour. That's not the solution, Doc, Emmett. I mean, if you run out of time, you just go back. You go back. Oh, that's smart.

Yeah. Okay. Should have done that. Dumbledore. Let's move on. What did we learn today? This one's easy. Yeah.

I mean, I learned that Al Borland washes his dishes before he puts them in a dishwasher. Oh, it was really easy. When I'm 2-0 on liar, liar, I don't trust Andy. Oh, that's a good lesson. Gotcha. I didn't want you to have the glory. I learned that flamingos getting their pink color from eating pink shrimp is a lying

fact. It's not true. But it is true. I get it. But it's a lie. No. It's truth. Just like the fact this show's over. Alternative facts. Catch you on the next Spitballers, everybody.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, Spitwats. The show's over, but this is what's called a post-roll ad. Mmm. Oh, sounds awesome. Behind the scenes.

It's our opportunity to basically sneak into your ears with a message because you left the podcast running in the car and you didn't turn it off or go to the next episode. So now you're hearing us talk at the very very end and this the message is this you could become an official spitwad you could support the show that you know and love and you just go to join this bit.com and that's how you do it so go check it out we believe in you sounds super easy