Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 142: Polite Honking & A Sporting Goods Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

On today’s show we talk about competing with our children, online reviews, and not moving when the light turns green. We also re-write a bit of history with some well-timed poopy pants. We round the bases on this  episode with a sporting goods store fight to the death. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

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It's my worst ever. No, it isn't. No, it is not. You are really downplaying some bad scats from the past. That is accurate. I had no finish. There's no finish. I just went into it.

I don't know. It likes to howl. It felt to me like a plane that was coming down. It hit the runway, real rough landing, and then it started to turn to the right and turn back to the left. But eventually- Did I land the plane? You did land it.

I did. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. We are back again with a great episode. Oh, yeah. So great. Would you rather? That's a great question. And a draft, a battle royale at the end.

It's been too long since our last battle to the death. Our last foray into a draft of killing one another. It's what it's all about. Yeah. We just need to find new places to have these battle royales. That's the important thing. And I know I'm good for one or two really bad picks. And I can't wait to find out what they are.

So does the audience. You can find us on Instagram. Instagram they are. So does the audience. You can find us on Instagram, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod, YouTube.com slash Spitballers. We appreciate everybody who is leaving us reviews. You should have a battle royale, like in a small, like in a bathroom.

Like in a really small room. Just like a men's room? Right. Like you can only use things. Where it's like, I'm going to draft the cologne from the counter. I'll use a watch club. Paper towel. Yeah, we could do one too where you try to lose.

I mean, we've never done that before. You've got to take the worst out of it. I don't know. I remember your ride on Lawnmower once upon a time. Hey, if I catch you while you're sleeping. I think you would wake me up. You still might be able to roll away from it. Anything else going on?

Al Borland in the house. What's up, spitwads? Oh, someone's feeling fresh. Someone cleared their throat today before the show. That's good. Would you rather time? Would you rather? John from Patreon, would you rather lose to your child at Madden or thumb wrestling?

So let me tell you something pretty crazy about my youngest, who is now eight years is uh he's a little thing isaac this now i am i am as of this record i am 38 years old i have 30 years on him i have let's say a lot of pounds on him this dude is an incredible thumb wrestler man wait what we're like i thought you were going for mad you're no we're like dead. He'll win. Like, if I'm not going all out, if I'm just like regular thumb wrestling. You hit him with the index finger sneak attack. So I, oh, I haven't done the index.

Teach me, Mike. What is the index finger sneak attack? Well, in most circles, it's considered cheating. Oh, that's fine in my circle. Which is right up. You just, so you got the thumb up, right? You just get the index finger. You swoop it in and then you clasp the thumb down.

So my normal move. But you have to say sneak attack. Oh, okay. Otherwise it is cheating. Yeah. Now it's just a funny gag. I got it. It's like if your shot goes in and it went off the backboard and you didn't call glass.

Right, this doesn't count. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. Slop allowed. My normal go-to in thumb wrestling when I'm thumb wrestling with children is... Which is rarely happening. That's it, we're doing this right now. No, is the taunting?

The like, I'm putting my thumb right down there. And then I get the thumb out of the way because you're so stupid, you little kid. You thought you were going to win. You thought you could win. But I can't do that with him. If I put my thumb there. He can hold it? His thumb is. How strong are his hands?

Well, it's not a matter of pure strength, right? Like, I think I could rip free. I think it is. It's a matter of speed. right like i think i could rip i think it is it's a matter of speed he just he covers my thumb so quick i i really want you guys can you rip free or not you said you couldn't get it out i he's maybe we thought maybe this is a me problem i have no problem losing at madden to me losing, losing at Madden is, that is the stage of life I'm in, where I am going to slowly devolve as a video game player. My kid will know the buttons that I don't know.

And, you know, not saying I do lose at Madden, but I have. And he enjoys it very much. Yes. My son, he had a game where he beat me once, and I never heard the end of it. Yeah. But he also, man, he hates losing.

Really? Yeah. Does he do the third quarter turn it off? Will he finish a game that you're blowing him out in? He has asked, and I do not allow the reset. Okay. No, I am full. Pick up the sticks.

You will finish the game. You will take this beating. My son, we had one game where he did that, and it was because on the first play of the game, I scored a touchdown, and then I kicked it to him, and he fumbled the kickoff, and I ran it in for a touchdown. So it was a back-to-back touchdown, and he's like, yeah, you win.

We're starting a new one. If we're at the very beginning of the game, and it gets out of hand fast, fine, I'll reset it. But if we're already in the second half, no, you will play until the clock hits zero. This is such a tough question for the three of us because we're so hyper-competitive. It's just not okay to lose.

And it's one of those things where we recognize mentally it is okay to lose. It is okay. It's a lesson. You want to learn how to lose as much as you want to learn how to win. As a parent, I want to teach how to lose. Dignified. Absolutely.

It's how they say you should do it. I can't teach that lesson. Once you're in it, once you're in the competition. No, due to never losing. Yesterday, I'm playing a game. I think there's a broader question here I'm going to ask. But yesterday, I'm playing a game of Rocket League. A lot of people play Rocket League.

I'm playing with my two kids. We start the game, and I tell the kids, I say, you guys be nice to each other. Because sometimes they're snippy at each other. Because we're all on the same team. So if somebody screws up, you screw it up for everybody. So I tell them, I say, you guys be nice to each other because sometimes they're snippy at each other like you didn't make the because we're all on the same team right so somebody screws up you screw it up for everybody so i tell them i say you guys be nice if you're not nice to each other in this game we're turning it off once we gave up one goal i'm snapping at both of them like you missed that play you just don't drive into me you want to be on this team or not but here's the broader question i'm going

to expand it to that i think is more interesting. Would you rather lose something mental first to your kid? Because your kids are going to pass you. Do you want to lose it something physical or something mental? That's the way I take this. Like, do you want to lose that one-on-one basketball game to your kid? Or do you want to lose the intelligent type of. What, like Othello? Well, no.

No, I just mean like. like well which one would madden fall into because that's not really physical that's what i mean like you're losing you are being outsmarted versus out physical then i would rather lose the mental game because i i i want to be able to physically dominate and just i you know what i mean like I want them to go for that shot at basketball and just watch a volleyball spike right back to the ground um I want to wrestle you know we and and I know the day will come where like maybe we'll wrestle and they can even hold their own you know we're on the trampoline or something and it's like oh we're kind of fighting where it's like oh that I like being able to just be like,

I'm a sumo wrestler and you're a baby. So I'm going to pick the physical there. Yeah. Okay. Mike, thumb wrestling or mad? Mad. Okay. Brian from Patreon, would you rather buy a product that has a rating of 4.1 out of 5 stars by 2,500 reviewers or 4.8 out of 5 stars by 25 reviewers?

This is actually an important question. Yeah, because this is everywhere. This is real life. This is like we deal with this all the time. And I know for sure my answer without a shred a shred of doubt i have mine as well okay you do you have your answer andy i think so okay because you throw that bullcrap small sample size you get that out of my face oh really that's too small oh i know 100 i know how the game works on on amazon in these places with reviews 25 reviews how? How many employees? How many employees are at

that business? I think that is what it comes down to is the quantity of reviews. When do you decide that it is a statistical enough? Hundreds. It's got to be 225. They have the verified purchase thing on there. Do you buy that?

See, 25 to me when I first heard it. 25 on Yelp when I first heard it 25 on Yelp I'm in 25 on Amazon it's on the border okay so that that is a difference because Yelp I mean honestly who leaves who leaves a Yelp response angry angry people leave Yelp responses people who have had bad days people who should not be leaving reviews, and they just want to be turds. The only time I've done a positive Yelp review was when I've been asked to. It's not out of the goodness of my own. Like, I'd get home from someplace, I'm like,

I'm going to go on Yelp and say it tasted good. That place was pretty nice. I need to go tell the world. Did they give you, like, the 10%? Yeah, they gave me the, well, like, if they're over and above, and they say, hey, if you don't mind, you know, it's more like HVAC places or something. But now have you seen a restaurant see now i feel like so i'm i'm all in on the 4.1 out of 5 on

2500 reviews right you feel safe you feel confident but i feel like there we are getting to the point now with gaming the system where too many thousands of reviews like we got a product that was super well reviewed and when we open the box we get it out they have like this card in there that's like we'll give you a free ten dollars towards this thing yeah for a review so they're just straight buying and everybody's reviewing that it's great if i see something that's like that 4.1 with that many reviews i genuinely look at like the the one stars i click over to one star I want to see what the complaints were and then I might go to the like the fours to see what what was the drawback

what's the on it like somebody leaves a four review that's a critical review like you're thinking about doing four instead of five sometimes although I you know we we deal with reviews and sometimes we get like this, this is the best show ever. It really got me through some tough times. This is absolutely amazing. I laugh out loud. Three stars. This is my favorite podcast.

It's like, what? You clicked wrong. That has definitely happened. That has happened a lot. That's a mistake touch. You can't possibly find a better show. Three stars. Yeah.

I don't know why that happens. But the samples, it is hard. Because we all actually want someone to tell us that something's good. When you look for things, I look to my friends. Like, does anybody know a realtor? Yes. Does anybody know a dentist? Does anybody know a chiropractor?

I just need, with the friend sample size, it's only got to be like one or two people. And it's powerful, right? Very one or two people and they are and it's powerful right very powerful you feel a responsibility when i refer something to you and it was funny enough uh this just happened with with my mom that we were talking about okay well maybe we might need to get our house repainted you know whatever we're gonna look at that and she's well i had someone paint my house recently they were fantastic they went up and above and you know so yeah that means a lot so if you ever want to get a repaint let me know well my sister took said referral and then uh so so completely unprompted my the power of of uh the responsibility is so. She came to me and said, okay, your sister took the referral for these pain people,

and they've been awful. They've been awful to her. So I had completely forgotten about it, but she felt such a strong responsibility that she referred somebody that she had to retract. Remember when you guys referred me to like a windshield tinting person? Oh, yeah. He's excellent. Yeah, he was great. He was great for me, Mike windshield tinting person? Oh, yeah. He's excellent.

Yeah, he was great. He was great for me, Mike. How about you? Oh, fantastic. Multiple times. How'd it go, Andy? It wasn't as good for me as it was for you guys. Oh, that's a shame.

But it is funny how I'd rather go with that than do the research of random. Like, 100 random people could be manipulated. I think we are trained now to know that you can ask your friends, family, pay some people in a warehouse to give you reviews somewhere, and it means a lot to have friends recommend something. Tough in the streets. All right. Cousin Vinny from the website,

would you rather always have to sit idle for 20 seconds when the light turns green? Oh, man. Oh, gosh. Or always have to drive 10 miles an hour under the speed limit. Oh, this is awful. I know the loophole here. I wonder if it'll be permitted.

Can I have my hazards on? Sure, yeah. You can have your hazards on. Okay, I'm going to right lane hazards on for the entire drive. I don't care only about annoying other people. What is happening with your water bottle? Is your water bottle leaking on the bottom?

It sure is. I asked for a water bottle mid-show from Al Borland, who heroically rescued me. I am now soaking wet. There's a big old crack at the bottom. Squeeze it. Did you make sure to say not punctured? It's just dripping. It's just a solid drip.

Wow. Yeah, your laptop. Look at your laptop. My laptop's all wet. My phone's all wet. Covered in water. Oh, my gosh. It is covered in water.

Yeah, no, there's a lot. This is a problem. Al, you have to come on set now with a towel. That's what has to happen. We get to see Owl? Yeah. No, no, we got to shut that down. This is incredible audio. Just put a censored box

over his... Just over the bottom half of his face, because I do feel like it's a home improvement situation. No, it's fine. I can just do the show like this. We're good. Holding the laptop in the air. I'm gonna hold the laptop up in the air. So I'll have my hazards on in the right lane, and I want people to speculate.

I have a towel now. I want people to speculate as to what's wrong. Because when you have hazards on, anything could be wrong. When I see people with hazards, I like to believe that someone in there is giving birth soon. Oh, man. You've got to drive fast. Oh, that's true. That's true.

You do have to drive fast. Well, they're mid-birth, though. So you've got to drive slow to make sure it's steady. I would pull over. If you're mid-birth at that point, it's happening. What is the advantage of a slow drive? You got to get to the hospital still. Slowly.

If you're getting to the hospital, get there. Hazards on. Go 100 miles an hour. Probably not 100 because we still want to arrive at the destination. So this one is... I got no drink. I have no drink. And wet pants.

And wet pants. That's right. The idea of sitting at a light when it turns for 20 seconds is. Do you know how many honks? Every single stoplight you will be honked at. Yes. Unless. Then you throw the hazards on again.

The only time you won't be honked at is when there isn't anybody behind you that is it because i i mean look i i am one of those not honkers i will not honker i'm a not honker the light goes green and they're sitting there honker i'm i am definitely a i do i'm a polite honker i do not every how do you how does one politely oh you got to do a real soft double tap. No, that's true. That's true because there's a difference between a beep and a. You can mess it up, though.

If you're not delicate, you can give them like the. Like you want to get out and be like, that was way over the top. I'm very sorry. That's on me. That's on me. I'm a very polite honker. I don't know what happened. Right.

You need a second. You need a second button is what they need. They need the like insulting honk and like politely i've actually thought that before i've genuinely thought that like i wish there were two there's the honk for an emergency right and there's a honk for a heads up like uh the emergency is the auga auga right yeah something like that. But I will try my best to let the person figure it out and drive. And it really, I toil inside because I want to honk immediately, but I'm like, come on, let's go. And then I don't know what my internal clock is, but I don't think I would ever make it to 20 seconds. At some point, I'm going to honk.

I honk pretty quick. I'm a quick honker. I don't think you're polite. I'll bet you're just a... No, no, no. I'm polite on that one. But it's quick. I don't give you...

I give you a second. Wow. How about you, Mike? If it's obvious you don't have attention on the light, I'm going to wake you up. I'll go about five seconds. Oh, fine. Where I will wait.

You might get honked at in that situation. Yeah, maybe. Can you honk at somebody to honk at somebody? Oh, man. Oh, okay. Now, Mr. Polite Honker, you're multiple cars back. Yeah. Are you still initiating the honk?

One car between, I will. Otherwise, no. There's a one car rule. There's a one car rule. The same timeline? Because I'm putting the responsibility on who's in front of me. I believe in a society that works together.

Yeah, do you double the time? Because now you- I do double the time. You have to allow the car in front of you to notify the car in front of them. That's true. But doubling the time for this guy is now only two seconds.

He's like, one 1,000 truck. Yeah, it's fair. I will do a punitive honk. Oh, I will do a honk because you've got emergency honks. But then you've got like I'm out of the danger, but you did something wrong and you need to feel it. And I will punitive honk like on the way by. Like if someone was coming to cut me off. Oh, yeah.

And the honk could alert them. But then I'll sit on it. Oh, really? Because I want you to know I want everyone around me to know that you made the mistake. But that's completely different. Yes. If someone cuts me off, it's loud and proud. It's loud, proud, and a little bit longer.

They're getting the business. So a polite honk, have you ever gone toot-toot-toot? Like if you go to three honks. Yeah. Is it still polite? Ooh, that's insulting. Is it still polite? No, that goes insulting. Yeah.

Is a beep-beep more polite than a single beep? I think so. I don't think so. Not every car can do a beep-beep. Some cars, it's too hard. The honk is too hard. I feel like a two honk is an intent of like, please go. But if one, I don't know, somehow one feels more jerky.

It does. It does. Unless you can have a soft ending to the honk, which I don't know if you can do. Well, here's what I know is happening to me on the basis of this question. I am getting honked at because I will not spend my life driving 10 miles under the speed limit. And here's what I'm going to do. When I get honked at and finally I can go, they're going to see that, like, my bad, and I am gone.

That's what I was going to ask you. I'm going zero to 100 as fast as my car can. Are you screeching on the turn? They will never see me again. But the problem is when it's a 20-second light. 20 seconds is the whole light. Yeah, you're done. You're sitting there. You're never leaving the light. I'm waiting. It goes's a 20 seconds 20 seconds is the whole light yeah you're done you're sitting there you're never leaving the light i'm waiting it goes yellow 20 seconds

they're stuck there that's a real jerk move have you ever intentionally done that to someone um i tried to do it to andy a couple weeks no i'm saying like that you've been because i've i've 100 thought about it i've never oh like punishing the person behind because they were riding your tail is tailgating you for no good reason there's an open lane they could pass you if they want i feel like if somebody tailgates for no reason they're the ones that are going to shoot you and they are there is no chance that they don't follow you through you can wait till that thing's red and And now it's a problem because now it's tit for tat. They're like, okay, okay, let's do this.

I like Jeremy's Al Borland suggestion here. You got 20 seconds. You can get out of your car. You can pop the hood, act like you're looking at something. Oh, yeah. I mean, you got 20 seconds, and then you get back in right around 18, 19, and then you step on it. Wow, good, efficient repair work in 20 seconds.

That's good. Hop out the car, act like you're throwing up. But they can't tell. They're like, I think he's sick, but I don't. And then you point at your stomach. Yeah, and then you're like, ooh. What if you just danced? I would totally accept it.

If I'm the car behind, I'm all about that. You used to do that as a stupid teenager? Oh, yeah, the fire drill? Yeah, you get out and you just run around the car? We were idiots. Yes. Man, I would hate people that did that right now. I'm that old.

All right, it is time for a quick break, and then that's a great question. All right, Spitwads, what if getting your medication was easy well that sounds nice don't wait in a line oh my gosh going to the pharmacy suck waiting in a car line at the pharmacy you know people in front of you are slow oh yeah my goodness uh you don't even have to stop what you're doing with amazon pharmacy you can get your medication delivered just like everything else i mean almost 100 of what i get is in Amazon boxes already. Did you say Amazon Pharmacy? Yes. It saves you time. You have my attention. Yeah, I'm signing up right now. Directly to your

door. It's easy. In your doctor's office, they just send the prescription straight to Amazon Pharmacy. You can use your insurance. It's just like getting your medicine at the local corner store. And because it's Amazon, you know it's going to be your medicine at the local corner store. And because it's Amazon, you know it's going to be easy to shop, and you're going to understand the prices, which is another problem with pharmacies. Thank you, Amazon. Yeah, and you can always speak to a pharmacist with Amazon Pharmacy. I have been getting my medications delivered for a while.

It is the only way to go. Guess what? I never forget when to go get my medicine because it just shows up. Have your doctor's office send your next prescription to Amazon Pharmacy. Amazon Prime members can save on prescription medication when not using insurance and get free two-day delivery. Learn more at amazon.com slash ballers. That's amazon.com slash ballers to learn about Amazon Pharmacy. That's a great question. All right, what would be the worst

buy one, get one free sale of all time? This is good. Wow. I feel like I need to put some thought into this. Yeah, this is a deep question. The worst BOGO. I mean, it's got to be something you need one of. I mean, you literally, like a stove. Right. Like, all stoves

are BOGOs. I mean, I guess you could find a friend. Yeah. Yeah, then you could go in on it. So that's not the best. Yeah, that's not the best. That's a good deal. That's a good deal. Like, a toilet would be in this. I mean, I'll just replace both toilets. Yeah. Yeah, and then you can go in on it. So that's not the best. That's a good deal. That's a good deal. Like a toilet would be in this. I mean, I'll just replace both toilets. Yeah.

A coffin? You know, it's like, ooh. A coffin. A BOGO coffin? You want to go in on this with me? Someday you're going to need it. You're going to have to store it? You're going to have to store a coffin.

What is that in your garage? Oh, that's Aunt Judy's coffin. She's alive. We got a killer deal, man. It was awesome. Wow. What about a same-day-use haircut, Bogo? You got to use it on the same day.

I don't want much off the top right now. I'm going to come back in a couple hours. I don't think that would be worth much. Surgery? Buy one, get one free surgery? Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty good deal in the plastic world. That's true.

Yeah. But not as good on the appendix. No. But I'm like, I'm getting some sweet caffeine plants, and I get a BOGO? Man, if you could get that BOGO to somebody else, would you do a preemptive index removal? Oh, hold up.

I've got a great question based on your thought right there. Okay. If we had to get one thing of plastic surgery, we have to. Okay. What do we individually choose? You, Andy, you, Mike, me. That's a great question. That is a great question.

I have to have plastic surgery on something. Shoot. So now all of our self I have to have plastic surgery on something. Shoot. So now all of our self-conscious flaws of 38 years of life. I already. That's what made me ask this. I launched it out there. I have super tiny calves. Oh, man.

Oh, you would get calf implants. Yeah, you got to get those. Yes. I'll get the calf implants. But then you'd be a dude with calf implants. But you wouldn't know. Calf implants look good. Yeah, no one would know.

Is this a man who's speaking from experience? Well, I have seen calf implants. Doesn't your father have killer calves? No, I do. My calves are amazing. Jason has monster calves. But that's because they have to carry a lot of weight. I thought you were going to.

They're always working out. Exactly. All calves are always working out are always yeah some more than others right but yeah like no it doesn't matter the the length of of working out i could put into my lower body my calves will have a a maximum capacity mine would have to be lipo just suck some of the fat out we didn't want to say it no i mean but mean, but like, can you just like, you know, take the belly fat and then say goodbye? Like that's it. That's it.

That's all I want. Can you do that? I feel like that's dangerous around the belly because there's a lot of organs. I'll leave this to the spit wads. Like, just go to YouTube and tell me what I need done. Oh, this is going to be a fun. Yeah, I need to know. I like my nose to pointy. I mean, I've always been a little self-conscious of how pointy my nose done. Oh, this is going to be a fun comment section. Is my nose too pointy?

I mean, I've always been a little self-conscious of how pointy my nose is. Oh, man, I can't wait for the comments on this. This is a roast me. This is a roast. Well, make sure. I mean, I know I probably need more than one procedure. Look straight at the camera. Make sure they can see all sides. Give me right here. Yeah, I mean, we got to make sure that they

can really judge effectively what should andy get for plastic surgery okay i mean you guys are thinking about it right now i know you are you're darn right i mean i've thought about it for years i'm just thinking you're gonna be really unhappy when those comments come in can you get i you know what's funny is i was telling i don't know who it was that uh oh it, it was like my barber. And I was saying like everybody from this COVID generation are all going to have their ears pulled forward

because we've worn masks forever. So you'll know who went through the COVID pandemic because everybody's ears will be like out in front of you. What? You think it actually is doing that? Not really. But I mean, if you wear a mask constantly, half the masks are too tight, and they pull your ears forward, and you look stupid.

Anyways. All right. And now the world will roast me. So that's perfect. They absolutely will. All right. I think we exhausted the but. Yeah, the coffin.

I think the coffin is the right answer. If you had to choose one person from all of human history to crap their pants at a time so as to change the course of history as much as possible, who would you choose and at what moment? This is the best question we've ever had. So this is somebody important in human history. They crap their pants at an important time and it would change the course of history. Yeah. I mean, the first thing that comes to my mind is like, I have to believe that if right before the assassination of JFK.

Oh, I was going to say Lincoln. You're like, oh, no, I crapped my pants. Like, he probably moves. Like, here's the thing. Wait, is Lincoln crapping his pants or is the assassin? No, Lincoln is. Oh, okay. Because JFK is in a motorcade, right?

Oh, yeah. Maybe you tell them to go faster, but I feel like if you're JFK, you're sticking it out. So wait, if you crap your pants, you can avoid being assassinated. That's the message. Well, because Lincoln was watching the show in the theater, and then Booth came up behind him. What if he had crapped his pants two minutes earlier, and now he's in the bathroom for who knows how long trying to figure out,

like, old-timey pants? All the stuff that they used to have to wear. You got to unbuckle. What if he just comes back the next day? You got to crap your pants a lot. Yeah, but maybe Booth is rethinking it. He comes to his senses. He's standing there. I think he could probably have killed him in the bathroom, though.

No, but here's the thing. Abe was a big guy. Abe was tall. He had range. So you're talking about though you could oh yeah he needed that the that work but it was just a little too early for his timeline or he would have done it but uh look if booth comes up behind him he's got him but you're not facing forward when you're in the stall he's he's you're also thinking of a very modern bathroom you're not facing forward in the stall. You're also thinking of a very modern bathroom. What do you mean you're not facing forward in the stall? How do you sit on the toilet?

Well, I don't straddle it. I'm sitting on it normal, looking away. Oh, you're saying you're not staring at the wall. Exactly. Oh, I thought you were saying the opposite of that. I'm saying Booth can't come in behind him. What kind of bathrooms do you think they had? What kind of bathrooms did they have?

I don't know. I think Booth was the kind of guy who would have been willing to shoot a man on the toilet. I'm just saying you wouldn't have been able to succeed. Abe was a scrappy fighter. By all accounts, he was. Yeah. By all accounts? By whose accounts?

There are stories of Abe Lincoln being a fighter. He was a boxer. Who were some of the people he fought? He fought bullies. The great Bill Douglas. And a lot of Irish fighters back then. Okay. He was a bare knuckle guy, though.

Yeah, you're darn right. With the arms outstretched. Well, he was a vampire, too, right? Isn't that what the lore says? Wasn't there a movie? It was Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter Well, he was a vampire too, right? Isn't that what the lore says? Oh, yeah. Wasn't there a movie? There was Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. Hunter. Yeah.

He wasn't a vampire. He hunted him. Right. Well, this is getting off the rails. Was John Wilkes Booth a vampire? He was. Was that the problem? Yeah.

Anybody else that isn't being assassinated where a really bad crappier pain? Is there a speech that could have gone wrong? Something said in a speech that would have changed the course of history? All of human history to crap their pants at a time so as to change the course of history as much as possible. I mean, there's got to be. I don't know which speech you would go to. But while he was like, while he's coming up, you know, look, he's been on this show before. What if the Wright brothers pooped right before they took off? Do they ever we get to i think we still get four yeah they'll do it tomorrow but if

but if hitler when he doesn't have a following and he's like trying to talk to people he poops his pants and they're like they're like oh there goes poopy pants hitler yeah he's never gonna rise to the top but it's like that dude that dude grabbed his pants last time he was on a stage that's true that's pretty good i was thinking what about the uh father of einstein right before you know it's like you're not going to make an einstein if you poop your pants you know what i mean oh you're trying to negatively impact history i was trying i don't think I want to go down this road with you. All I'm saying is... I'm going to retreat to the sidelines. It changes the course of history because then you're taking a person away.

Right. Thanks for that. You're welcome. Thank you very much. You can find yourself on a version of Earth that's never heard music. You have the complete catalog. What's the first piece of music you introduce humans to?

Ooh. So you are on a version of, you're on Earth, but no one's ever heard a song. So what's the most important catalog, the first piece of music? It's hard for me not to go to Bach or something. That's what I think. You have to figure out where to start. I don't know what I was doing, but i was just having one of my ridiculous deep thoughts where i was listening to music and then uh and it's a good podcast name and listen ridiculous deep thoughts we should we

should hop on uh but and then and then thinking about classical music and how you needed all of those transitions in the way that music was played and then the next generation heard it, they changed it a little bit, and then somehow you start at classical music and now we have Nordic death metal and we have EDM and we have all this music, but it wouldn't have existed if someone didn't play on a harpsichord. Yeah. So you would both go classical. I think so.

I don't know if I go classical. I think I go with something. I think I go like Beatles. Really? You think people who have never heard music are ready for Beatles? I think so. I do. Maybe that's my naivety because I've i've heard music before and i can't

put myself in the situation of this it hasn't existed but if that has never existed you've never experienced it and a catchy hook comes on that can get stuck in your head you're like okay too much disarray for me too much disarray you're going poppy beatles yeah oh absolutely gotta have a mad hook. I think they might give up on music if they heard Beatles right out the gate. I feel like I just want to give people something real chill. Row your boat. Got it.

Yes. No, just like some good lounge, just relaxing music. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is interesting. Elevator music. music okay okay okay this is interesting elevator music like the mat i thought you were gonna go to the mash theme song for a second just yeah the mash theme song that's the answer all right what's the best beatles song uh eleanor

rigby no i i think you're right. Here Comes the Sun's not even a Beatles song. That's just a George Harrison song. He wrote it, but it's a Beatles song. Is it Beatles? Yeah. Oh, okay. I got to jump in, guys.

Just pass their early stuff. They cover so many different types of genres and things. But could you pick one song that you feel like would represent music as an introduction, though? Because I get it. The whole catalog makes more sense to me. I would struggle with one song. But it would be hard with one song, huh? Yeah.

A really weird amount with like Yellow Submarine or something. I might change to Lose Yourself. Can we agree that Yellow Submarine is just a bad song? I will even jump in. Okay, thank you. That song sucks. Do we have time for one more great question, Al, or do we want to move right into our draft? We got time.

All right. Well, now I have to decide between two of these. And they're both great questions. All right, what would 12-year-old you never believe about adult you? Oh, probably that I'm fat. Oh, my God. oh probably that i'm fat i mean i mean you just don't think it's gonna happen to you i was so skinny ran cross country basketball team oh we are peeling it back i mean i'm just thinking like what would i not so organic it's like oh yeah because i here's the thing my mom

was overweight and i remember thinking like i will never let that happen to me i was a liar i mean i was such a liar because you know oh if you start to get overweight you'll just you'll just you know diet and exercise and fix it it's like that's hard so i think that's mine what do you think about you mike because i'm guessing 12 year old mike had Mike had great, big, deep thoughts. Yeah, well, 12-year-old me would never believe that I'm married with children. Because those are two things that I was never going to do. You just watched the show.

When did it – was your transition to wanting that from life, right? Like, I've got my 9-year-old. It's like it's so far – like, there's no chance he's ever going to have, I've got my nine-year-old. It's like, it's so far. Like, there's no chance he's ever going to have, you know, a family, be a dad, none of that stuff. Ew, ew, ew. Was it a slow process for you to get there? Or was it like you woke up one day and you went, you know what? Everything I thought about life is completely different.

No, it's super cheesy, but it's just when I met my wife. Aww. I was like, okay. I could marry that. Yeah. I was like, look, I'm in. I better lock this down. You know what?

Well, that's actually, that's a good story, though. Yeah. That's very sweet. Your wife converted you from being a hermit. Yes. That was a lot cooler then. Single, never having kids guy yeah not anymore no i know what i know what andy's would be but i'm curious what you would say it is honestly i didn't have a good answer i thought maybe that i wasn't in the nba oh that's hey man i'm 12 that

is the exact opposite that is the exact opposite of my answer, which is that you're tall. No, that's the right answer. As 12-year-old Andy, and I would say as 15-year-old Andy, you were as short as... As they come. Were there shorter kids in our high school? I told this story the other day.

I legitimately had people think I was given a tour of the high school when I was a freshman. People thought I was a younger grade school kid getting a tour. And I'm telling you, my freshman year of high school was so bad because it's when I convinced my mom to let me get contacts. So my eyes were so bloodshot because i wasn't adjusting to contacts i was so short i had bloodshot eyes people thought i was a high sixth grader just crying and crying all day and people told me because i'm like six i'm over six two people told me you'd be tall one day because of my family and i said you're a liar and i don't care what you say i want to be tall

right now and i was the shortest kid in my class. Yeah, that is 100% right. We had 4,000 kids at our school, and I think you were the shortest. And it made the decision that I made to not be in the NBA easier when I was so short making that decision. That's not on you. That wasn't your fault. Just a little sooner, and I wouldn't be here, guys.

Just imagine. All right. I think that will do it. We're going to move on to our draft, but first a quick break. Hey, Jason. What's up? Hola, lindo sombrero. What does that mean?

That means, hey, nice hat. Oh, thank you. You don't speak Spanish? Do you want to speak Spanish, Jason? Yeah, how do I do it? You should check out Babbel, the number one selling language learning app. It makes learning a new language easy. All of us have subscriptions to Babbel.

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Obviously, when I dropped my Hey Nice hat on you and you couldn't even figure that one out, it didn't go very well. Babbel designs their courses with practical real-world conversations in mind. Their teaching method has been scientifically proven to be effective. And with Babbel, you can choose from 14 different languages, Spanish, French, Italian, German, and more. Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. It's available on the web, the mobile app, and lessons are about 10 to 15 minutes each. Right now, when you purchase a three-month Babbel subscription,

you'll get an additional three months for free. That's six months for just the price of three, Jason. I know you can figure that one out. Just go to Babbel.com. Use the promo code BALLERS. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com. Code BALLERS for an extra three months for free. Babbel, language for life.

The Spitballers Draft. All right, a sporting goods store. We are in a sporting goods store. We are once again facing one another in a battle to the death. Now, there is a rule here in place for this very important battle, and that is we're not able to select weapons. Sporting goods stores, they have weapons. They have rifles and bows and knives.

So you have to choose something that's in the sporting goods store that isn't used as a weapon. Right. To hunt boars. So no spears, Jason. That's a shame. Since they sell so many of those these days. I have the first pick.

Oh, no. Is that the oh, no? Well, I'm sitting here at this table. I knew you had the first pick. Did you? Yes, but I thought I had the second. Well, I'm sitting here at this table. I knew you had the first pick. Did you? Yes, but I thought I had the second, but now I'm seeing this. I'm the third pick. Okay.

All right. And this is tough. I have no 101 jumping out at me. And I have a 101 that I'm thinking could get back to me. Interesting. And that's kind of the worry here. So I think there's... That's psyching me out.

To me, there's a clear 101 and a clear 102 and then another object that I really want. And outside of those three things in my mind... Well, great news. You're going to get one of them. All right. I'm going to go with... I'm going to take the chance and we'll see if you guys usurp me with and i want you mentally on edge for these next few picks thinking that i'm letting something go i currently am

okay good i will go with the baseball bat yeah that's the one number one pick well there you go i'm taking a baseball bat what a genius i am like we will still play out the draft yes but you could just the polls are done oh no i think there's a lot of options here i got some you thought the baseball bat was so far and above the number one i mean it is like literally a bludgeoning device like it's made to hit things and lightweight you're not gonna get tired swinging it that's's true. What a great pick. Honestly. Yeah. I mean, I'm amazed.

I thought it was a layup, and it was. There you go. Well, I'm taking the baseball bat. All right. That was good. Okay. So I'll be so happy if you don't. Well, whatever you want, Jason, I will say you're going to get it.

Because right before the show started i had this awesome magical list and then my computer said it didn't want to work so i'm over here i thought you got a great memory i'm over here well i i know what i was gonna go with uh like i remember a couple of them uh so i also i'm gonna need I'm going to need a weapon that it's good for swinging. Yeah. Uh, it's also, it's a good bludgeoning device and I look, it's got some spear qualities to it. I know what it is.

I can keep some distance with people. I'm going to take a hockey stick. Yep. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, that's, that's good. That, uh, all right.

I'm happy here. I'm in a good spot. You're getting two of the three things that you want. I'm getting two of the three, that's good. All right, I'm happy here. I'm in a good spot. So you're getting two of the three things that you want. I'm getting two of the three things that I want, but the hockey stick did come to mind, and really we're all going to be somewhat near even here with our first three picks. Bludgeoning.

You got the baseball bat. Yeah. You got the hockey stick, and I'm taking a nine iron. Yeah, that's a good pick. You know, those are a little bit thicker and won know, won't have, won't break in the middle as easily. So we've all got our, those things are breaking. That could break.

Yeah. Breaking over your head. Cause I'm crazy. They're also short. Yeah. Well, I mean, how long is a baseball bat? What's longer? It's going to hurt Mike.

It's going to hurt to get hit with the one time before, but I'm just saying that he's not going to be able to hit me cause I will have a hockey stick and I will poke him respect the pick. It's going to hurt, Mike. It's going to hurt to get hit with the one time before break. I'm just saying he's not going to be able to hit me because I will have a hockey stick and I will poke him in the face. Mike is not a fan of your pick. He will not be a fan of my pick even more when it strikes him. I will also take the eight iron.

A driver. Alright, so I am going to take... He takes four golf clubs. No, I'm going to take a football uniform, man. Are you kidding me? Hit me with the baseball bat. Okay. I will.

I don't care. I got pads and a helmet. I'm good to go. That answers my question then because I didn't take this and I wasn't sure if it was going to be allowed. I didn't take this, and I wasn't sure if it was going to be allowed. But if you're taking an outfit, I will take catcher's gear. Okay. Okay.

All right. Which is far more protection than just – No, it is not. Since you both made the picks, let me break it down in an unbiased fashion. Okay. You have more all-around protection, Jason. Mike, you're more front centric. I mean you hit a catcher in the back the catcher is going down. Hold on. What do you think is in

a football uniform? My helmet protects my head all the way around. Okay. Yeah that's pretty much it. The catcher's mask goes on the front of the helmet and so you've got some access points. I'm not worried about the back of my head but you say you have shoulder pads and a helmet. I have something covering my entire face, my entire chest.

I have elbow pads. I have shin pads. He's kind of right. No, I'm covering my – you've got legs. Mike's chest is more covered than yours. Football players don't wear anything on their legs. Oh, yeah, they do. What?

A whole uniform. They don't wear – they wear real tight pants. They have pads on their – They've got pads on their thighs. They do. They 100% on their thighs. They do. They 100% do. Some of them do, but you need to. Okay.

All right. Well, Mike is very competitive here. Yes. He's feeling a little desperate without his list. All right. And he's coming at you. This is very interesting to me because I would definitely, like if you put these two things next to each other and said, because they're very comparable, you said hockey stick and catcher's gear or a nine iron and a football uniform.

You guys would be fun to watch attack each other. I would, without a doubt, take the football and golf club. But it sounds like you would, without a doubt, take yours. So this is very interesting in the polls. It doesn't matter, Jason. We've already lost to the baseball. Well, look, my actual 101 is still here and it's my pick.

Also, I am out of picks. That's it. I have no idea. Look, a sporting goods store is filled with gear for hikers and climbers. And so I am going to take a climbing tool. Now, I'm sorry it's called this, but I'm taking an ice axe. I'm taking the actual tool used to climb.

That's really good. In the winter. This is my actual 101. Oh, man. Because that is a- Okay. Yeah, you were right, Mike. Andy's going to win this.

This is a tool used for literally hacking into ice, although your bodies are a nice substitute for me. Okay. So I'm going to go with an ice axe as my second pick. At least we have some armor. Yeah, that's right. You do have some. You both have a little bit of armor for these. And then I don't know if I want to go another bludgeoning tool.

I feel like I need to be more well-rounded. You guys have more protection than I do, right? You're both, you have some pads. So I'm going to have to go with some, I'm going to have to go with an outfit. And I don't have pads. So you need to not be able to see me. I'm going to go with some camo.

I'm going to be, now, mind you, that camo's made for the forest. And there's not a lot of trees in a sporting goods shop, but I need to look the part. They probably have the, well, yeah, you want to look sharp, but they might have like this. Well, like Cabela's has all the fake creatures. I could hide up in there with the taxidermy.

Come on now. All right, so I will go with camo with my third pick, and it's back to you, Mike. Okay. I am going to draft something that this will get absolutely no respect. It won't get the poll respect that it deserves. I'm going to take fishing line. No.

Oh, man. Wait, you were actually thinking about this? Well, I was going to take a fishing pole because it would come with fishing line and a hook. And I could use it much better. I don't want to cast. I will just be setting up fishing line. Oh, to run into? Like spider webs? Legit.

There's a PSA out here. That's strong. This happened to my dad. Because people suck sometimes. Okay. My dad is a bike rider and he was riding his bike through a canal. Oh, no.

All of a sudden, just snap. What? Someone had strung fishing line. No. And it's where here's the only good part about this story is- They clothesline him? Is my dad had hurt himself in a previous bike accident. So he's on this super dorky three-wheeler thing now.

The trike. Yeah, he's on the trike now. Yeah, I know. But because he's on the trike, the fishing line hit him in the forehead, and it didn't get him in the throat. Oh, mercy. So did it pull him down off the trike? I don't think he crashed.

Oh, he just hurt himself. He got massive whiplash from it because this is what people do now. But I will be doing i will be doing that to you because i'll just be fishing lines strung up okay and you won't be able to see it and you will run right into it interesting okay wow um jason's searching for his fix still you still don't know um all right uh i'm gonna go with uh look, for one, it's got a little bit of that practicality, but it also, you know, I can tie you up. I can use it.

You're just going to take some good old-fashioned rope? I'm going to take some good old-fashioned climber's rope away from you. Okay. A nod to me. Yeah, you know, you want it that way? Would you like a carabiner while you're at it, sir? I mean, if it could come attached, I would certainly use that to whip around and slap you in the face with a carabiner. Okay.

Which, you know, it won't take you out, but it won't feel good. That's true. And then I'm really... Super excited about this last pick. Super excited. I mean, this next one's going to be the best pick you've ever heard of because because here's why. Take the ice skate. When I thought about it, I think about that.

But look, when we're in this hand to hand combat, I think strength is is really going to matter. OK, so i am taking um i'm taking a protein powder i'm gonna be beefing up you and i you're gonna you should have at least gone with pre-workout oh no way you would be just jacked he's going long-term battle he's absolutely i'm gonna be i'm gonna I'm going to be getting jacked. Yeah. Protein powder. Protein powder.

And then, you know, look, if you guys are coming before I really get my body in order, which is, I mean, it's going to happen. Yeah, okay. I can still throw it in your eyes. So, pow. That part is true. It's powder. I've seen blood sport.

This is a, so you've got a golf club. You're in a football uniform. You've got some climber's rope. That's right. And you've got some protein powder. You're in a football uniform. You've got some climber's rope. And you've got some protein powder. Protein powder. Got to stay fit. You're set to go. Get fit.

Get fit. I have realized what I must do. Because, look, I have a hockey stick, right? It's a longer weapon. I put on my catcher's gear. I kind of feel like I'm a knight right now. Oh, yeah. That means I need a bicycle.

Yeah, you do. I need a mountain bike. Absolutely. I almost took one. And I'm just going to be jousting. The best part. Full speed with my hockey stick pointed out. The best part.

Look, I love the visualization. Except for you literally just told a story about stringing up fishing line. But I took the fishing line, so you can't do it. Well, you certainly have the ability to... I know where it is. I've got rope. I can see your rope. Yeah, but you can't ride through it.

I just rope off an alley. Unless you've taken some lasso lessons while hyped up on protein powder. I think I'm okay. Look, we don't have any, and we couldn't take guns and bows and arrows. We don't have projectiles really built into this. So I'm going to take something that I can at least try to toss or drop on you. I'm going to take a bowling ball. Okay.

I'm going to take a bowling ball. It was right there. It's probably knock you off the bike if I can roll it right. Oh, yeah. And Jason, while he's proteining up, I could definitely drop that from a high. Oh, what an idiot. I just found a great pick. Well, it's over.

Yeah. I've got a baseball bat, an ice axe, camo, and a bowling ball. What was the great pick? The bar for a bench press. I thought about that. Yeah. That thing is heavy. What are you gonna do

with it well he's got the protein powder are you kidding me I'm jacked up man these muscles are swole so I would be fine I mean that that bar is only like 45 pounds and you're carrying it with two hands so I don't want to be swinging that this is like a 22 ounce bat or something like that I promise you if I had one of those things thing That thing is called a barbell, according to Al. Really? That doesn't make sense. I promise you, you swing that thing once, your back is going out. Number one. You think I'm Al Borland over here? That's funny.

If you wanted that, you should have gone with a kettlebell. No. Well, that's like a bowling ball with a handle. No, that's not bad. These things are seven feet wide. But you're swinging it once, and then you're taking a breath. It's not just swinging. I can swing No, that's not bad. These things are seven feet wide. But you're swinging it once, and then you're taking a breath. It's not just swinging.

I can swing it, but I can also... Look, I'm using it Donatello style. I'm two hands on this thing using it like a bow. Yeah, we should get some video of you trying that. Oh, absolutely.

All right, honorable mentions that were not brought up. Another bludgeoning device would have been a canoe oar. Yes, now that you say it it was on my other list that's up there with a hockey stick yeah i had um small weights like a two pound weight yeah you could do a weight you just found though yeah like you ever heard about like you hold a roll of quarters and you hit someone and it's like all of a sudden your punches are

10 times as strong ice skating blade was actually actually on there. I mean, you could probably lace up one of those on your hand, and then you got like a hook hand. I feel like if you're going to punch people, I mean, I know you would just take like MMA gloves, where you can actually protect your hand, but you're still going to hurt people. It's about the weight. It's about the actual...

I know I've heard the legends, but I feel like you're in a fight with multiple people, and you do the weighted hand. Sure, whoever you punch, if you land a shot, they're done. But so is your hand, right? Yeah, your hand gets pretty beat up. Wouldn't your hand just get annihilated? Yeah. Maybe.

Because your hand gets annihilated just punching somebody. Yeah, but I'm wondering what is going to strike you if I've got this three-pound weight. Like, will my knuckles hit you, or will the outside of the weight actually hit you? Okay, well, if you get in with the weight, then that works. Okay. Yeah, all right. Protein powder. Protein powder's great.

This guy. I'm going to be so jacked up. I thought about climber spikes, too, like an ice climber spikes, but it's like, I got to step on you, then. Yeah, I thought about cleats, but have you ever tried to walk on cement with you ever try to kick kick somebody oh you're sliding around yes that would be that would be the worst thing you could ever do is inside have cleats on you are basically bambi on ice you you just have to sit over in the one section where there's a tiny bit of turf yeah come. Come at me, bro. If you have those cleats on and you're tying yourself up in the fishing line.

I thought about tent spikes. You know, like. Oh, yeah. You could throw them. But then they're all gone. You would throw them. You wouldn't stab. You'd be throwing them.

I mean, you could reserve some for stabbing, some for throwing. I mean, I would get a lot of them. All right. That's not bad. Is there anything, Al, that we. I mean, you're kind of the woodsman. I probably would have gone with baseballs or hockey pucks for range. Yeah.

But, I mean, you need quite a few. Yeah, baseball could do some damage. But how fast can either of you guys throw? Probably fast enough to break your face. Yeah, I couldn't have hit either of you with your mask. You both got masks, and I'm not hurting your body very much. Oh, yeah. I mean, the catcher over here is in good position.

That's fair. You're made to catch a baseball being thrown at you specifically. By the way, you ever watched a catcher walk off the field? It's a little clunky. It's a little clunky. Have you ever seen a catcher riding a bicycle? Solid point. All right.

That was a fun one.'s uh close this thing out what did we learn today riding a bicycle with a hockey stick what was your last thing oh it's a fishing line my trap you've already set all that up oh my, my gosh. What did we learn today? I learned that Jason didn't think he was ever going to be fat. Yeah, that's true. I learned that a BOGO on coffins is a bad idea. And I learned that I truly believe now a two-honk is more polite than a single-honk. Than a one-honk.

Yeah. Fair enough. That'll do it for today's Spitballers Podcast. Thanks again for supporting the show. And if you want to do so, become a true Spitwad. You can go over to SpitballersPod.com and click the button to support the show. Appreciate it. Goodbye.

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