Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 145: Dog Food Breath & An MLB Mascot Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

On today’s episode, we talk about conference hopping, doing the squaddle waddle, and becoming a world class line dancer. In the situation room, we talk about eating dog food, risky speeding, and selling our hair. We head into the 9th inning of our show with an MLB mascot battle royale draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

Hey, spit wads, you know we are on a mission to make Mondays great. That's why we release every week on a Monday to make the world a brighter, better place. But you want to know what's better than a Monday? What's that, Jason? Fridays, bro. Yeah, Fridays is great. And if you want early access to the shows and you want to support this great show, you can go to jointhespit.com, get early access, add free shows, and we will love you more at jointhespit.com.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scatty, scat, scat, who had a ding-a-dee-pow? Scatty, scat, scat. Oh, yes it was. And then we had to go back to Old Faithful. It was a little different, though, because I didn't end with it. It was Bedingity. Right.

That's a variant. If you look it up in the Old English Dictionary, Bedingity is a little different than Bedingi. Scattity, scat, scat. Yeah, but what better way to start a scat? I'm going to be honest with you. I am disappointed that you didn't carry that all the way through. I thought as soon as it was scatity, scat, scat, scat, scat, scat, scat.

I thought we were scatting the entire way through. I'm sorry, guys. I'm really sorry. Welcome into the Spitballers. Hey. Andy, Mike, and Jason with you. Spitballerspod.com. That's the website.

Thank you so much for reviewing this show. I genuinely mean that I check. I've got this little app on my phone and it'll show me if a new review shows up and people are so nice. They are. They are entertained by us. That way. That's crazy. We don't understand it, but we do appreciate it and it

here's the thing it feels really good um to have your ego stroked and so when we read these five star reviews and we're like oh man we're off we are so good it makes me feel good it's how i validate who you are yeah too well it validates me but it also i it's how i validate myself like to my wife and my children i guess do you know how many five star reviews i have well they're way more than you i've had a rough go over a few episodes though because some of the reviews did just they did just tell me what i looked like and what i could fix right some of the reviews too close together to be fair to those people you specifically asked them to do that well it's because i couldn't think of what i needed done i'd never had but yeah how what update time

andy do you feel like you know andy this is a recent. You need plastic surgery for your head and your hand. Your head is weird shaped and your hands are too big and small. Too big and small? Is that a depth perception thing here on the YouTube? Yeah, I think so. You're sitting profile. So obviously one hand is too big and one hand is too small. So now I'm feeling better about myself after.

But it's five stars. Did you fix your head? The head's still the same shape, unfortunately. I'm sorry to hear that. All right. Time for some Would You Rather. Would you rather? Jesse from Twitter.

Would you rather sit at the very front row or the very back row at a movie theater oh this isn't even a question one of these things is good and one of these things is the worst i agree yeah this is really uh lay up uh back of the movie theater is great heck yeah it is heck yeah you want to know what you can do? Whatever you want. In the back row you can put your feet up. You can lay down. You could stand up if you want. You want to know who you're getting in front of?

Nobody. Well the projector. For me. I'm in front of the projector. That's true. You don't want to be that person. I will give us two different tangents on this. One is, by the way, there are some movie theaters that are so huge that if you do sit in the back row, it's like you're just watching TV at home.

I mean, it's that big. The screen does get smaller. But the front is always awful. Like the hand problem. Right. The further away from the screen, the smaller it appears. It's science. But here's what I thought the question was going to

which i am curious about for you guys you can go to let's say um like a conference or a talk in a big amphitheater would you rather be in the first row right up at the front there's a tension on you at that point potentially and you're just kind of like you you can if you're in the way way way far back you don't see as well right but you have freedom right nobody can tell if you're just kind of like you you can if you're in the way way way far back you don't see as well right but you have freedom right nobody can tell if you're paying attention you need to go to the bathroom it's nice that's exactly where i was gonna go if you are in the front row you are in the no bathroom break zone usually when i'm at conferences we've gone to many many conferences and we're very important very important so many around the country. That's the qualifier of importance.

How many do you go to? I jet set conference to conference. I've been to three conferences in a row. I've set some jets. We've gone together. We've gone apart. We've gone for different businesses. And I will say this, and this might be the snootiest thing I've ever said.

Oh, no. And I've said some snooty things on this show. So far today. But, right, I've never, withoty things on this show. So far today. But, right. I've never, with the exception of one thing I could think of, I've never been at any conference in any speaker that I've really given a crap about at all. I mean, I want to get out. I want to sneak in and out.

I want to be in the back. I just, I don't care. This is a man who wants to play Candy Crush Saga at all times. Right? I mean, tell me something important because I got jewels to move around on my phone and match them. You've just said that you've never been interested in any speaker saying anything. That's not true. I said there was one. You realize that we watched Andy give a talk at a conference once.

Oh, I'm including that, and that was not the one. I mean, look, we talked to Andy. I knew what he was going to say. That's the problem with these speakers is that usually they're not ever saying anything new. You know, it's like, I know what they're going to say. I know everything. Like, they're going to have a panel, and they're going to talk about this topic. But it's like, let me write the questions or write the answers for you,

because everybody already knows what they're going to say. How do you know so many things? How do you keep upgrading your snooty comments by the minute? I mean, it's – let me write down the questions and the answers for you, Einstein. Yes, exactly. That's what I'm shouting in my head. I am kind and polite. I would never say that out loud.

Now, hold up because I feel like I am just being honest but maybe i am being snooty do you guys not feel this way at these conferences like genuinely i like the flexibility of being able to dip out for a bathroom break no no no no no no no i'm talking about do you usually find value from these, or do you feel like they're saying nothing that ever helps you and you basically know where it's going? It's a mix. It depends on what conference I'm at. I mean, am I at something I'm interested in? You dragged me to a conference once upon a time for the video game company, and I was pretty boring. You were pretty boring.

Yes. I'm pretty sure you said I was pretty boring. You were pretty boring. Yes. I'm pretty sure you said I was pretty boring. I have seen, I would say, I'll go 15%. 15% I'm actually interested in. Oh, now here's a good question. We should not be going to conferences at all based on this. No, because you want to be in the room where it happened. That's right.

And the room where it happened is the lobby when the people are giving the talk that's right that's when the deals are being made you go there for the connections and the relationships and the lunches and the cool kids are skipping the talk that's really the truth the talks are you know they're they're just they're just there for no reason i mean look they're there so that we can weed out all the uncool people. They should just be using an AI robot to give the talks because those don't even matter. Nerds? Did you say nerds?

Yeah. Yeah, get them. So I'll be at the back of both of these things. Okay. The question here is, legally speaking, how can movie theaters get away with selling those front row seats? Now, I think over time they have progressively moved back. But I remember being a teenager and the front row is physically impossible to see the entire screen.

How do you sell seats that are that close to a giant screen? Literally you had to scoot down in your seat so that you could crane your head back. That's why they added the reclining seats for the front row. They can put you full like zero G's. Wow, you know what? You say that, but I have not sat in a front row

in forever because it's the worst. But is it now? It's still problems seeing left to right all the way man i i feel like i need to sit in the front row with the new recliners and see if that might be look my screen is bigger than yours if i'm in the front the problem and that's important to you the problem another problem i should say because there's many but the the front and like kids always want to be in the front. It's a weird thing about being a child.

It's this novel thing. Look how close I am. But when you're that close, it's very bright, right? Because you're right there for the light waves. Sears the eyeballs. I can't snooze up there during the kids' movies. Too bright. Yeah, it's too bright.

I need to be up in the back in the corner. Too bright for your paid nap. Where, hey, sometimes when you're a parent, you are willing to pay to take a nap. That's fair. Yeah, that's called... You're willing to pay a lot. That's called the It's the Small World ride.

Adam from the website, would you rather have to get up to get a new roll of toilet paper every time you're in the middle of a two-ski? Every time? Oh, man. So right in the middle of every... All right.

I can't wait to see what the other option is. Well, why are you doing it in the middle? At least finish. No, that's the would you rather question. Okay. So you're like, you got to pinch it off? No, in the middle. Like, maybe you're in the middle of your whole process.

Right. But you've finished the first. Okay. I'm just trying to take this at face value. Or walk wet and naked across the room to get a towel that you forgot every time you finish the shower. Okay. So rewording the question, it's basically like, would you rather have never checked for your towel

or never checked for your toilet paper before doing your business? Yeah. So with the toilet paper, you're doing- And you can't phone a friend for either of these, right? No. No help, help, help. You have to solve your problem. So you're doing the pants around the ankles, squaddle, hoddle.

Yeah. Squaddle, wobble. I don't know what to call it. The hustle, the bustle across the- Waddle, waddle. Yeah. Squattle wobble. I don't know what to call it. The hustle, the bustle across the. Waddle, waddle. And you waddle the way. Like, how far away is this toilet paper? Oh, man.

I would say equivalent to the length, how far the towel is. What is the furthest you have ever had to go to recover a new toilet paper roll? Yeah, it's bad, Mike. Oh, no. It's bad. Is this a full repainting this is a this is a oh yeah i mean look oh no when we're out of toilet paper upstairs okay it's downstairs in the laundry room it's nowhere near i mean look stairs yeah oh yeah there's a vertical motion of the cheeks oh it's not good it's not good i. I mean, if I'm home alone and we do not have toilet paper upstairs,

there's one place to go and it's too far away. I can tell you, you know my personality. I know your personality. Never happened. Yeah, you know what's funny is. I've never, ever had to do any of this because I make sure. You've never had to at least exit the toilet room and go under the cabinet? I've leaned over to the cabinet from the toilet.

You've never experienced the shame of- What a responsible man. I've always had it stocked up, my friends. I would never put myself in that position. You want to talk about a quad workout because you are staying as low as you can try squatting down the stairs okay squats are hard on level ground but when you're squatting and walking downstairs at the same time is there anything that you could do before the the journey to to help well so in truth do you throw away one pair of your underpants? Is that the sacrifice?

Because you could use them. In truth. And flush them. You can't flush my underwear? You could do it. You'll have a bigger problem. You cannot flush underwear. You could give it a go. I mean, you could certainly try it.

I mean, actually, I wonder if you can, right? You could. These things, I'd say they take like a whole bag of golf balls. You know what I mean? Like you go into Home Depot and they're like, oh, there's a super toilet like a whole bag of golf balls. You know what I mean? Like you go into Home Depot and they're like, oh, there's a super toilet. I can throw 50 golf balls. I feel like a conglomeration of golf balls, though, is not, it doesn't carry the same clog issues that a watered up pair of underpants would.

You're saying a prayer before the flush. There's no doubt about it. But now let's it it got stuck and you've got a plumber yeah you keep you keep sir there were sir i found the problem there was a pair of underwear in your those aren't mine previous owner of the house i just moved in today today um now in fair and in fairness to me okay because i'm not doing this to ski down the stairs squat just ruined i'm uh this is widely known i'm a bidet bro okay of course so i'm already washed and clean i'm shocked but how dry but i'm not dry i'm shocked you haven't had to water all the not dry. I'm shocked you haven't had to waddle all the way to a grocery store.

Why stop at the downstairs? Like been completely out at the house. That's called a waddle to the shower then. Oh dang it is isn't it? Yeah. I'm not just putting on my wet nasty dirty underpants. You ever pivoted to Kleenex or toilet paper? Of course. Or I mean a paper towel?

I've never done a paper towel. That doesn't sound like a good time. Because I respect myself and my body. Quicker picker upper. It's funny. I feel like I'm respecting the toilet. I don't think the toilet could take paper towels. Yes, it could take the paper towel. Really? You're not supposed to.

Correct. You're not supposed to. I gotta go home and flush a bunch of different things down my toilet. See where the barometer is for my equipment. All right. Oh, what's the answer? The answer is, look, the towel one. Oh, that also sucks. I've done the towel one plenty of times.

That's a mistake that's easy to make because I have a little rack by the shower. If I don't throw it on, I've done it here at the studio. Yeah, we've all done that. And then you know when the person before you does that because the floor is covered in water. But it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. There's a chance of slipping and falling and actually physically hurting yourself. And your chances of getting a wet sock.

Which is your greatest fear in life. Getting a wet sock is a top five terrible thing that can happen to you. I don't understand. Why would that get you a wet sock? Because you could be around there. You have just dripped all over the floor. And you're not wiping it up, Jason. Well, that's the genuine fear for me when I've done that run for the towel,

well, walk for the towel, soaking wet, is that I'm going to do that. I'm going to jump back in the shower as fast as I can. It's cold. Yes, there is that. But I've left so much water that I'm worried that my spouse is going to come into the room and slip. Like, I need some signs. I need to get a couple of those wet floor signs for this situation.

Get like a janitor bucket in the bath. I need a janitor sign just so I can clean up afterwards. I'm going to take the towel. Yeah. Because worst case scenario there, I'm just air drying, and we're okay. And it does feel good to get back in the hot water after you've done that exercise. Fair. Shauna from Patreon, And it does feel good to get back in the hot water after you've done that exercise. Fair.

Shauna from Patreon, would you rather be a world-class tap dancer or a world-class line dancer? Now, just to remember this, a line dancer, is that the, your arms are over each other's shoulders? No. It's like the electric slide. No, a line dancer is, line dancing is country music. Yeah. It's funny. We all thought different things.

When I heard it at first. Your thing, that's the can-can. Oh, yeah. I am thinking of the can-can. Or. Which, darn, because I would be, that's the one I would choose. River dance. Maybe river dance counts as a line. To me, line dancing is.

But you're thinking cowboys. Yes. I mean, that was a sensation in the 90s at some point. Everyone had a, what's the tie called? Oh, bolo. Yeah. They all had the ties. Those are a regrettable part of our human history.

And everyone was into line dancing. Oh, I'm watching a video now of line dancing. It's real dumb. It's just i think it i mean electric slide is is like a pop version of line dancing but this is i don't think you're allowed to do this without a cowboy hat are you allowed to line dance without boots and a cowboy hat that's no then it's the electric slide okay even if it's still country music now you're doing the electric line dance i don't want to look like this. Look, you can't stand out in a line dance.

You're with a bunch of people. I feel like I could tap dance. I could get a tap dance solo, can't I? Oh, yeah. Yes, you can get a solo. Get out there. Sammy Davis Jr. I laughed when you were reading this question because my thoughts, at least to my wife,

my thoughts on tap dancing are very well known and i am sorry you're anti tap i am sorry out there because i know that to be a good tap dancer you have spent years and years and hours of your life perfecting this and there is not a more wasteful thing you could do with your time or a category of dancing that is as useless as tap dancing. And they just try and they keep trying to make it cool. Like the stomp? Well, stomp is cool because they're hitting on drums and things. But tap, I'm talking actual tap dancing, they try to infuse it now with music they're like get rock music up there

and then they have someone trying to do a tap solo and it is and it is never ever in time it is it like every once in a while you hear some of the clicks you're like okay you're on beat and then they do their actual moves you're like this has nothing to do with the music. You're just up there clunking and flailing around. And the hardest moves to do are the worst sounding moves. Why would you spend so much time mastering this? And you have wasted. There are so many talents. Your life.

You said that you wasted their lives is what you're saying. There are so many talents that you could have mastered. that they wasted their lives is what you're saying. There are so many talents that you could have mastered. You could have been a maestro at any instrument, at ballet. I was going to ask you, do you feel the same about ballet? No, ballet is fantastic. But if you're tap dancing, I'm sorry. It is just a waste, and I'm sorry that your parents did that to you. I am so sorry for the tap dancers listening. I know there's a lot of them. Yeah, I'm sorry that your parents did that to you. I am so sorry for the tap dancers listening.

I know there's a lot of them. Yeah, I'm sorry. And they're coming to an epiphany right now in their life that so much has been wasted. However, however, you can be special in that. You can. I don't think it is possible to be special at a line dance. You tap your foot on the ground you spin and you walk right feels like a waste of life too i mean but but to be a become a world-class line dancer

it takes approximately three weeks right that's start to finish to be a world class 10 000 hours does not apply to that no but this is just 10 but this is 10 hours this is instantaneous this isn't you have to go through the whole process. This is you just boom. You are one of these two things. It's not like put in 10,000 hours to learn how to tap dance or three minutes to learn how to line dance. This is you are the best in the world at either of these. And here's the thing.

I promise you the best in the world at line dancing looks a little bit better than I do. That's it. Yeah, I mean, like, how long did it take you to learn the electric slide? One go-round. One go-round. I mean, you've got to take the tap dancer here, right? No, because then you're obnoxious. If you wanted to become an incredible tap dancer starting right now, you're 39, Jason?

Almost 39? No, I'm 38. 38 almost and um could you do it no no i've got a bit of a weight issue um i think you could still do it like would you be i mean you'd be a lot louder i wonder if you could do it. It's not really tapping. He's a stomp dancer. Is that man walking? We've had to replace the floor six times. Really tears it up out there. No, literally tears it up. Tears up the dance floor?

Yeah. Al, how are you doing? I'm great. Thanks for asking. Do we have time for one more Would You Rather, or do you want to move on. We got nothing but time. All right. Stu from the Web site. Would you rather take an international trip with your entire itinerary planned for you or with nothing planned for you. And you both know my answer. my answer. I know your answer. I definitely know my answer for sure. I know Andy's answer. I want Andy to guess what our answers would be. I love it.

Well, this is difficult. My answer is definitively I want it all planned for me. Autopilot international trip. I've done this. I've been to Israel. I did a 10-day tour and it was planned. It was like the hotels were booked. The food was figured out. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. All the destinations. Hop on a bus. I didn't

have to think about it. That's the way I went. Because there's a lot to think about with international travel. I guess my initial reaction was that Jason would rather nothing be planned out for him. But now I think that you're all on my team. I actually think all three of you would choose my cause Jason, you like autopilot. I do. Oh, I do. And so I, but I don't know for sure on Mike, Mike's the biggest wild card, but I also think because of the international nature of the trip

that Mike would prefer to have that stuff figured out for him. So I'm going to officially put us all in the same boat. Am I wrong? You are 100% correct. Yeah, you are. And it doesn't even matter. You could take the inter part and just say it's a national trip because here's what happens. If nothing is planned and I am on a trip, you know what I just did?

I paid a lot of money to sit in a hotel room and do absolutely nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no. Because I'm not figuring it out. Yeah, otherwise you have to plan it. You figure it out. So here's where I think you're lying to yourself. It's all about knowledge and experience, right? Okay.

So take Disneyland. How many times have you been to Disneyland? Incalculable. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. So take Disneyland. How many times you been to Disneyland? Incalculable.

Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. You would not want to go there with an itinerary that says you're going to this place, then this place, then this place, then this place, then launch at this time. Then you're going to go to this ride and over to that park. You don't want that planned out because you know it. You know where everything is. I might do that. Right.

Exactly. Andy would be like, yes. No, I know. If I knew I was getting the shortest lines with a strategy, I might do that. Chief's Cuff said 10. But it's because we are so familiar with it that we love it. When you're going to a place you haven't been, I don't want to do the research. I don't want to have to know the different places that I can't know without talking to people or reading things.

I guess you're 100% right. Yeah, we looked at, back when you could internationally travel, we were trying to plan our, my 15th wedding anniversary is coming up. And I was like, okay, big one, what are we going to do? So a couple years ago, I'm looking at trips to like Ireland or something like that. I'm looking at trips to like Ireland or something like that. And so I'm a, like Jason said, we go to Disneyland a lot. I'm a DVC timeshare person. And they also have, so they offer really planned trips elsewhere.

It's not just Disneyland properties. You could go somewhere else. Yeah, they could like a Disney run trip to Ireland or something like that. Crazy expensive. Yeah. Crazy expensive. go somewhere else yeah they could like a disney run trip uh to ireland or something like that crazy expensive yeah crazy expensive and then you start adding up okay well what would it cost me if i just did everything myself you save so much money but then you realize you have to figure everything out what is the price you want to hire a contractor on your house you want to build it yourself exactly what is it worth to just say, take care of this for me? I'm going to show up. You make sure I have fun. How much more am I willing to pay for that process?

It's spectacular. How much do you have? That's the answer. I mean, yeah, it could cost cost everything and it's worth it because uh maximize your entertainment for me with your experience that's what i want or reduce the amount of times that you are confused in a foreign country yeah and that that's another part is tough going internationally i want i i've talked to my kids like when they're a little bit older I want to take some two-week international trip but I don't know where to go I mean I can tell you the names of a couple countries that's like

I would like to visit Italy but like you don't just go I want to go to Italy and then okay we're in Italy like we're here now what I don't know what to do in Italy you'll be in Italy watching YouTube videos of how do I do stuff in Italy. Exactly. So please take care of me. I want to be a child again and take me around to the cool tour. All right. So I got it right.

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Unlock your confidence. Always use the right tools for the job with Manscaped. The Situation Realm. All right. Entering the Situation Room once again, Alexander from Patreon. Oh, thank you for your support. You and your family have been living the nomad life for years in a post-apocalyptic world.

Of course. We would survive. Yes. It has been weeks since you and your family have eaten anything substantial. You are on the verge of starvation when you come across the delivery truck full of pet food. Of all the pet foods, you would have to choose from which would you choose for yourself and your family dog or cat food canned or bagged food. I love the set up so much because it has absolutely nothing to do with the question. Would you rather eat dog food or cat food if you had to. I love this set up because it may it puts

me in a situation where- I was there. I was there. But I totally get what you're saying, right? In the end, what you're just asking is dog food or cat food, canned or bagged. But in this world, it gives us the allowance, the freedom. The permission that you've always wanted. The permission to finally eat this animal food.

I can tell you for sure I'm going canned over bagged. That one's done deal. So you want the wet food. That's a done deal. See, that would make it worse for me. Really? The wet food makes it worse for me. It smells delicious.

Oh, wait, what were you going to say? You were going to say. You know what dog food tastes like, children? Here's the thing. So you want the wet food over the brown kernels or whatever those things are. It all sounds so bad. They're crunchy. I can't fathom taking those.

The cocoa puffs? Those kernels. Actually, so here's a great story. Uh-oh. Yeah, this is from college. I was having a bad day. A bad day with, I think I was going through a breakup-ski in college. Okay.

So I had a bad day. I go to my best friend's house. Her name was Tiffany. Spoiler alert. She was my future wife. Oh, man. Your wife is a rebound? No, it was actually like a full year.

It was a long time afterwards. I was thinking the same thing, man. We were friends for a long, long time. I didn't know how to make the joke, and you just smashed it. That's good. But this will, you'll totally understand this. So I'm really upset. She is a doll.

She's my best friend. She makes me a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. She's my best friend. She makes me a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. That's how you cope. I eat my feelings as seen by my body and how many feelings I have. You lock up a lot of feelings. She makes me this bowl of cereal, and we're there,'m i i'm starving i take i take a bite and as soon as i

take this is bite number one uno there i was like just chomped right into what felt like a rock and i didn't understand it was gross and i was like spitting it out I look up Tiffany is laughing hysterically because she just fed me dog food she put dog food at the bottom of the cereal bowl and in the bottom oh yeah she hit it they covered it with covered it with cocoa puffs she was having herself a great time and I stormed out of this place went got jack-in box but i was also i was so angry but also so happy and like she's the one yeah this makes like so many things make sense yeah so after this one story um but yes so i have i've had a little bit of the of the dog dry food and let me tell you that thing i'm sure it could soak in milk forever it It's not. Those were rocks. Yeah, I'm not chomping on the dry stuff anymore.

I've given that up. What are you chomping on? If I had to pick an animal food to eat, it would definitely be dog treats. Dog treats like the dog jerky. It's not too far from our jerky, right? I mean, in concept, that should be fine i mean like it's supposed to be bacon right i love bacon and there are people whose job it is to eat this dog food wait is that true oh yes that's a real job don't they test it with dogs no no people eat the dog

food all of the dog food is tested why people. Hold on. These are real jobs. Tap dancers. Right. They should have. Yeah, you thought tap dancers were making mistakes with their life. These people eat dog food for a living. I don't know. Hold on.

I mean, I'm just trusting you on this one. I feel like I need to Snopes this. Yeah, well, I don't know. Owl, Jeremy. Jason was paid for a small period. It checks out, man. It checks out. I told you. That's because Jason was paid for a check out man it checks out told you that's because jason was paid for about six months to do this job they're paid to taste tests okay how what is what is the

translation of a human being taste testing something like oh yeah the dogs are gonna love what do you how do you what is it? What does it functionally provide in information? Because I smell my dog's food. It smells bad. And she loves it. What information is it providing these companies for a human to try it? Because they do test it on dogs too, right? Like, did someone just show up and they were looking?

They're out of work. It's the Great Depression. And they just go to a pet food company. Oh, do I have a treat for you? I am a professional dog food taster. They just have tricked the industry and now it's a worldwide thing? Yeah. You going to eat that?

A professional pet food taster generally earns at least $34,000 per year and can even rake in more than $100,000 annually. A six-figure dog food eater. That man's eating a lot of dog food. I mean, if you're making $100,000, that is a lot of cans. A lot of your diet is dog food. And do they ask? I mean, like if someone, you know, you're at a high school reunion,

they say, what do you do for a living? Oh, I would tell. I'm in the pet industry. Or do you? I think if you're making 100K from eating dog food, I'm telling everybody. Don't they already know from your breath, though? I'm in the pet industry. Wait, did you just eat some dog food? Can you actually brush that away?

No, you can't power wash that thing away. I mean, I smell my dog's breath. It's not good. It's the worst. Yeah. Dogs eat poop. They don't care what this man's opinion is over the canned dog food. Four out of five humans recommend this dog food.

I'm taking dog canned food. 405 real people recommend this dog food. Over all other dog foods. Oh my gosh. These lucky sons of guns getting this job. And I thought we had the best job in the world.

Oh man. Owen from Patreon. I want to know what kind of oh yeah kind of animal food i don't care it all sucks i'd eat it all if i'm hungry order you got to order it dog food by principle of hating cats right that's mine too uh i have full cat ignorance yeah cats probably eat better food is there is there dry cat food or do they do they no they've got little the commercials have me believe that i think it's all in people spend eight dollars a can for there's definitely bags of cat food okay okay well those poor yeah but i don't get the tuna fish i don't like cats i'm going i'm with jason i'm going can wait is there

an option to eat the cats in this situation hold Hold on. But is the really expensive cat food in the can? Is it just tuna? Ooh, that'd be all right. Is it just rebranded tuna that you're now paying $10 instead of a dollar? Albuquerque. Oh, that's not bad.

Very good. Hmm. That sounds good. I think I'll have that. Yeah. No, I'm going canned cat food. Yeah.

All right. I'm with you, Mike. Any chance at tuna here over the cocoa puffs? I'm going canned cat food. Yeah, all right. I'm with you, Mike. Any chance at tuna here over the Cocoa Puffs, I'm going to go for it. Owen from Patreon. A mysterious stranger approaches you with an offer. He will give you $10,000 for every mile per hour you go above the speed limit for a week. The amount above must always be the same no matter the speed limit.

For example, 10 over from highways to school zones. Okay. And if you are pulled over by law enforcement, you go to jail for six months. How far above the speed limit do you go? So if I were to go 10 miles over the speed limit everywhere I drive. For a week. I would have $100,000. That's right.

That is correct. So like, because I would say that's my normal drive. Like my casual usual drive is about nine. That's correct. So like because I would say that's my normal drive like my my casual usual drive is about school zone though. So school zone is the crucial one here. Yeah that's that's rough. But even then like and I don't with school zone you know you know me I'm a speed. I'm a speeder but I don't need ever speeding the schools on I'm 15 on the dot. But if I had to go 25. You'd get some side eye from the old cross guard. From 15 to 25, that's a very substantial jump.

It's almost 2X. Now, here's the thing, though. I'm 35 residential. I'm going to be driving so fast that I'm going to be up behind someone. I can't drive 55 in a school zone if a car in front of me is going 15. Six months in jail. You go 10 over in a school zone, you're

getting popped if anybody sees you. Okay. But then your money goes down. Jason's like, can I get to 15? I can avoid school zones. There's only one school zone I drive near in my regular day-to-day and I can easily go around that. I only one school zone I drive near in my regular day-to-day, and I can easily go around that.

I'm going up. I'm going north. I'm going north of 10 for sure. What's the highest you're willing to go, Speed Demon? 12? 15? No, come on. I think I'll go 20.

20? Isn't 20 pushing criminals? Exactly. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. If I get pulled over for going 10 and I go to jail for six months that's not even worth my time but it's just you're you're far more likely to get pulled over at 20 like an officer seeing you going 10 over that's not a

that's I've been seeing 10 over a million times they that's about where I set my max on a freeway yep and I know I'm not going to get popped for 10 10 is safe i think 10 is safe you're getting a hundred thousand here baseline so it's just a matter of would you be willing to risk an extra hundred thousand and when i say it like that seems pretty dumb uh because i'm already getting a hundred thousand now mike i'm this is the question when i was reading it i'm going mike is mike is like a for a contrarian, he's a letter of the law driver. He is maybe like... You might have to give $20,000 at the end of this week.

You might have to pay him. I am a... Yeah, generally... Generally speaking, five over is where... You draw the line. ...is where I'll draw the line. Catch a cool 40 Gs. That's not bad.

No. I'll take that. And I'm not going to jail. And I'm going safe here. I'm not going to jail for six months. I'm going five over. Five over. You're safe for sure.

I've thought about it. I'm looking at all the streets I drive. Most of the streets I'm on are 45 miles an hour or 65 miles an hour. The main streets, the main freeways, and 65 and 85, no problem. I'm taking that. Mike, you're not getting popped into school zone for five over. No. I mean, I shouldn't.

Probably not. Maybe. I don't know. What are you doing, Andy? I'll take 70 grand. Okay. I feel like you're going gonna be late to places now Maybe

You can only go so you can't speed up It's like a punishment You have to keep it See the thing is it's the highway To the regular streets Highway 10 over Okay but regular streets 10 over That's a lot That's cruising I'm in for 10 streets highway 10 over. Okay. But regular streets 10 over.

That's a lot. It is. That's cruising. I'm in for 10. Let's go. I'm in for 10. All right. One more Alice from the website.

Your local wizard appears at your door. Once one evening seeking your hair for potion making, obviously local wizard for every hair you offer up. He will give you a dollar, but the catch is those hairs will never grow back assuming you have 150 000 hairs right now how many are you willing to part with for good so you're permanently giving up your hair for money right here it's 150 000 hairs that i am giving up you'll go bald you're going absolutely is that due to your all impending baldness yeah it's a 100 correct i'm just happy to hear that I have 150,000 hairs on my head. I was very disappointed to see that I have now been given the same amount of hair that Jason has.

Yeah, take that, sucker! I believe I'll be... I don't know how long. I don't know if it'll be... I think it will surprise you two. I believe that I will be bald by choice. I think I will shave my head uh earlier than you two think i need to do it it might be like a year from now maybe two years will it surprise you if

we both think you have already gone past the date of when you should have shaved your head that's fair that's uh that's that's fair oh my god um That's fair. Oh, my gosh. Tomorrow it is. My point here is that I do think five years from now, maybe ten years from now at the longest, I will just shave my head and have to be forced to work out because you can look good when you're fit and bald right but fat and

bald that don't work oh yeah that's gonna be the move the needle mover is that that's the bald head that'll do it i thought other things are gonna do it but this time it's gonna be the bald head that really gets me to stay motivated you want to motivate yourself don't just shave your head shave your beard too oh gosh that's that'll get you working out there thumbelina is not acceptable um but if i can get 150 000 to just up the timeline of this i'm down and now i'm getting 200 000 from the other i'm 350 000 richer i want to get in places super quick i want to up the ante to 10x here. So, Mike, what percentage of your hair do you give up?

Oh, man. But it's not a dollar. It's $100 a hair. $100 per? So you're getting filthy rich. That's 100x. Well, not 100x. Sorry, not 100x.

$10 a hair. So you could get $1.5 million to have no luscious locks. That's exactly right. Ever again. The stakes need to be higher. I don't think for 150,000, Mike's going bald forever. Correct. And it's not just, you aren't just, you know, like bald,

where you have the 5 o'clock shadow on your head. There ain't no shadow. You're Mr. Clean. Yeah. These are gone for good. The wizard has taken them away. But 1.5, today, you shave your head, you're bald forever, but you get $1.5 million. That's a tough, like I think I have to go bald.

I think you do. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. And yet, the person who has no hair is willing to pay $1. half million dollars to get their, all of their hair back. Interesting. I mean, it's, it's big business.

Al Borland says he's in you in. Oh yeah. Bald. I wear hats all the time. Yeah. You actually have really good hair. He does. You've got a thick luscious locks like Mike does.

And I hate you for it. I'll sell it to you for 1.5 million and I hate you for it. I'll sell it to you for 1.5 million. Done! It's... I think it's March birthdays. Because Andy has great hair. I have great hair. Jeremy has great hair. But March birthdays. But May birthdays.

Oh, man. Brooks, were you born in May? I was going to chime in and say In February birthday You were drowning I said take my hand Get me out and then I was like Psych I'm pulling you in

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again. The Spitballers Draft. Alright, this one's going to be interesting today. This is a problem. We have done these drafts with two of the major sports. This is a mascot battle royale. We have done this with

I believe the NFL and the NBA. We are drafting. We say mascot. We just mean the team name, right? Yes. Not the city. Like the Phoenix Suns. You get the sun, not the gorilla.

Why is there a gorilla? For our mascot here? Right. It's a funny story. So we are drafting. We're doing the Major League Baseball Battle Royale. We're in a very good position here, Andy, because there are two top picks. I agree.

I agree with that. Now, which one do you go with? I've gone back and forth. So for my first pick, I've decided that I'm going to go with the quote unquote mascot from Detroit. I'm going to take the Tigers. Wow. That was not one of the top two picks that I was talking about. So when you said there were two picks, Mike, I thought to myself, genuinely, I thought,

I think there are three and I included the Tigers in there. Yeah. Okay. But you're going with the Tigers. They were in there. Okay. But they were my third. Okay. That's fine. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. These are all the different teams in Major League Baseball,

but I feel like the Tigers are a great first pick in the battle arena. Look, it's not the Detroit Tiger. No. I have Tigers. I have a lot of them. To be fair, all of these teams are plural. I just feel like when I looked at every other potential pick, the Tigers were going to be a threat to them all.

That's all. Interesting. Look, now you know that there are three picks, and I didn't take the one Mike thought was best, so we'll see. All right. Well, I'm up into combat against your tigers. I'm going to take a whole heavenly host. I'm going to take a choir of them.

Yeah. I will be taking the angels. That's cool. That was the one I wanted. We've seen the pictures of the angels in their warrior gear with their fire swords. Well, you just threw out a choir of them, though. I mean, they're singing songs. No, they're in beautiful white robes and singing.

Maybe they can calm the tigers with their melodious notes. Music calms even the savage beast. All right, so you went with angels. Yeah. I'm shocked you did not go with the angels. I think that depends on how people instantly think of angels. Angels are like, okay, are we raining down fire on Sodom and Gomorrah? I mean, it will be bright.

Or are we the little cherubim with the wings and the naked bottom? Are we battling to the death? We are battling to the death in this situation. Interesting. How do you kill something that is not alive? Yeah, I mean, it's a strong point. Yeah. How do you kill something that is not alive? Hmm. Yeah. I mean, it's a strong point. Hmm. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, that's a good, it's a good pick. Okay. I went with the tigers. All right. Well, so I'm looking at this now. First off, I'm not sure you're not in the best position, Jason, because there aren't a lot of major league teams that have viable Coliseum level.

No. And you get two pegs. Yeah. And I wanted to bring this up this is on brand for me because baseball is stupid um baseball team names are so dumb they are the dumbest team names i've ever like when you look at the mascots you have so many of these that are you know we couldn't even we couldn't even draft them because they're not you know they're not –

they're either little tiny birds, right? Like, oh, let's get the Cardinals or whatever. Or they're, you know, raising – What is a Philly? What is a – A Dodger. Yeah, what is a Dodger? Hey, a Dodger's on my list.

Are you playing dodgeball? All right. So, anyways, now that I've disparaged Major League Baseball, you're welcome, everybody. The first pick here is the Giants. The first pick would be the Giants. For me. Because you want to know the Tigers become kittens, right? Like all of a sudden, I'm afraid of a tiger, but I'm not afraid of a cat because I'm bigger.

And now Giants are just going to come. It was between Giants and Tigers for me. If you had your pick, so did you have Giants at one or did you have Angels at one? So I went back and forth. I think Angels. Knowing that the Angels are already in the outfield. I guess there is that baseball connection here.

I probably would have gone Angels over Giants. All right, so i got the giants and now now is where we're out now the trap really begins now it's there's oh man baseball team names you're so dumb um look we're here it's local i know that they are it's a good uh they are low to the ground, but they're poisonous. They're deadly. And I'll take the Diamondbacks. I'm going to flood this place like Samuel L. Jackson on a plane. Well, look, there's one thing that can pulverize some angels.

It's some small snakes on the ground. Oh, no. Nothing's taking out the angels. I'm going straight for the Tigers. Yeah. Well, they're flying. All right. So you have the Giants and the Diamondbacks. Mike, you have the angels and you have a pick. I'm going straight for the Tigers. They're flying. All right, so you have the Giants and the Diamondbacks.

Mike, you have the Angels and you have a pick. I do have a pick. I'm concerned about the rest of the list. And this pick is so stupid. Because I'm trying to think, how is this going? One, it feels like a really good defensive pick. You know how you have the tank, right? You have your meat shield, your true person they're blocking.

And then I was thinking, well, how could this attack? And then I was like, oh, well, I guess landslides are my attacks. I'm going to take the Rockies. Are you really? The mountains. I will be taking the mountains, and I will be raining landslides upon all of you. That tells you where the second round pick was the mountains. Yeah, that's how bad baseball teams are named. Because he couldn't find a better choice.

And the worst part is they're on my list. It's a Rockies? It's an emergency pick. It's a good pick. I mean, it's good. Now, my issue is we're in a Coliseum, right? That's how we always say, how are you getting the Rockies? You just got a pile of dirt in here.

Part of the edge of the coliseum some some mud has slid down that side we are rock we are rockies jason we're not the dirt ease all right all right you got some boulders in there all right mike submarining his angels steel with the rockies i i have to pick twice think of me folks did i submarine my team well yes because the next pick i'm taking the pirates yeah the pirates are the next pick for sure and uh i'm not sure if pirates can ride tigers i think maybe they can i mean very malnourished they're all they all have scurvy not these guys these guys have been eaten haven't seen land. They probably don't even have land legs. They have sea legs.

Oh, the Rockies. What do I draft now? I think I know what would be next for me. I know where I'm going. All right. I am worried that I'm going to forget one that's better. But I'm going to take the Rangers. Oh, that's a good pick.

I'm going to take the Rangers because they're not little birds. That is true. One of their big perks. One of their best qualities is that they're not little birds and they have presumably guns. Yeah, I would assume so. Got a six shooter. Which the pirates have too the pirates tigers pirates and rangers pirates have like the single shot musket guns that built into the peg

legs yeah got it pirates and rangers to me were the clear next tier of like these can have that i didn't think i would get them because I didn't anticipate a mountain would be drafted. That's fair. And I still had some dream that one of those two would come back to me. Looking at the rest of my list, it does not matter at all what comes back to me because they are all awful. Well, this is where the draft really begins again. Yes, that is correct. All right, with my next pick, I'm between two. There are a lot of birds, guys.

There's a lot. Look, a really important thing about fighting. This is how a good pick always starts. It is. You got to be fit, right? You need someone who's a real athlete? You need someone who's a real athlete. You need someone who's really athletic. So I will be taking the athletics.

Okay. You've got them. Hey, what did they use the Coliseum for? Great athletic people getting eaten by lions. Look, if someone's going to have to climb up a rocky mountain, they better be athletic. Your pirates are not making it up the mountain. All right. I don't know why I have to climb this mountain, man.

That's not part of it. It's just on the outskirts. I don't want to climb it. I'm staying off the mountain. Now, here's the question, though. How do you defeat the mountain? Exactly. How do you kill the mountain exactly kill the mountain i mean do you just do you auto win or auto lose

for it just purely existing if the mountain's just there at the end you gotta wait erosion baby wait it out for the rocky as soon as the rockies are gone, I'll give it about 30,000 years. And the only one that would survive that long, the Angels. Oh, no. All right. I've got two picks here, and I think I know where I'm going. Yes, you do. You're a lucky dog.

Yeah, I'm super lucky. I was thinking about maybe the Twins because, you know. Two is more than one. Double-knit. But then everything is plural. Do you get DeVito and Schwarzenegger? Oh, I just need Schwarzenegger. But if it means having DeVito on my team, I'd be willing.

You have to balance that out. But I am going with a different combo. I think a pair that's going to work very nicely together. We're going to be... All the socks? We're going to be rowdy. We're going to be rambunctious. We're going to be crazy.

We're going to be... I mean, some would say psychopaths. We have done live tours, live shows all over the country. Yeah. And there ain't no fans. This is true. In the world. I know where you're going.

Like the Philadelphia fans. The Phillies, them crazy. Them, I mean, we're getting a fight. You think they have, this isn't their first fight, guys? No. I'm getting the Phillies up in there, and we're going to be scrapping. But you want to know why we're going to be scrapping? Why is that?

Because guess who's coming with them? The Brewers. The Brewers, baby. Oh, we got some drunk Phillies up in here. We swigging haymakers. That was a really good strategy. That's not a bad strategy. That's right.

We're going to have fun at the very least. My team is. Risk mitigation is out the window. Right. No, we're not worried about ourselves. The tolerance is up. That's right. We might be a little slowed down, but the Brewers and the Phillies, we're coming at you.

This is a war. Oh, my goodness. Mike, you're back. Lucky. I am back uh my list is you're gonna be shocked my list is running out of people need to like stop and go look at a list of major league baseball team names let me name some birds if you if you're interested in some birds uh you got the orioles you got the blue jays you got the cardinals If you want any of the small birds that may be a distraction on the battlefield. Now, the Reds might even be some birds. That might be Cincinnati's favorite birds.

I don't know. Or it's just color. He just drafts things that can't die. He'll take a color. The Mets. I think I may be getting pulled into this name for the wrong reasons. I'm not exactly sure what this person will bring to the fight, but all I can think of is, you know Waterworld, right?

Yeah. The movie. Oh, yeah. Smash Hit. Blockbuster Smash Hit with Kevin Costner. They called him the Mariner, right? Yeah. And I imagine a Mariner is someone who is similar to a pirate.

Maybe they're a fighter on a boat. They're a good counterpunch to the pirates. Maybe they just drive boats. I really have no idea. But in my head, they are warriors upon boats. So I'm going to close my draft with the Mariners. Well, they're masters of knowing how to read the ocean, which will be crucial here.

So a Mariner is a sailor. That's the definition. The definition is they're a sailor. A sailor? You got a sailor for your land that you also drafted. You drafted the mountains and then you put a sailor on the mountains. Mike, these things don't go together.

Alright. Someone needs to be on't go together. All right. Someone needs to be on my land attack. You know what's crazy, though? When I looked at the Mariners, I'm looking at my list, 100% the only thing I thought of was just a big fish. I was thinking it was the Marlins. What are you talking about? You can't have a –

The Marliners. Yeah. The Mariners. Okay. I've got to make a final pick. Did you know that? Yes. Are you going with the Baby Bears?

The Cubs? I thought about it, but they're pretty small. Like, if the Tigers are small to the Giants, the Cubs are going to be real small. Yeah, they're just really cute. They are super cute. They'll distract. I'll just go with the White Sox then. I'm going with a bit of a wild card pick here.

More than the Rockies? More than the Rockies? More than the Rockies. You took the Angels. Yeah. And look, they're up there in the heavenly realms. So I'm going to take the Astros. Oh. I'm going to take the Astros because that...

What is it exactly? I don't know. Celestial bodies and space. Nobody knows. Probably can do some damage to the angels up there. Okay. Maybe. We don't know what the Astros are, but it sounds like it could work.

But if you out there know what they are and they're awesome, please vote for me. I like to pretend that it's short for astronomer. Right. Super smart, though. He drafted someone with a telescope. Now, this is not the Chevrolet Astro minivan, right? That's not. I'm not getting an Astro van like a whole slew of them.

Are you kidding me? If the Astros minivans were on here, I would have picked them already. That is a weapon. These team names are the worst. I thought you were going to go with the Padres. Oh, like the fathers. Right. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, man. To counteract the angels. That's not bad. Oh, like the fathers? Yeah, okay. Oh, man. To counteract the angels? That's not bad. You won't attack me. Yeah, exactly. I'm a Padre. All right. Well, that happened.

Yeah, we made it through. Wow. What's our final just awesome warrior clans here? Apparently, the Houston Astros used to be the Houston Colt 45s. Ooh, that would have been better but they made the pivot i can see them changing that name um okay sorry what were you saying jason so my team is the angels the rockies the athletics and the mariners i have the giants the diamondbacks the phillies and the brewers and i I have the Tigers, the Pirates. What do I have?

Rangers and Astros. Rangers and Astros. Andy's team makes the most sense on just a literal plane of existence. But when you get mountains in there and tectonic plates, Mike's team takes the cake. This shows you, Jason just said that, look, we only drafted 12 of the Major League teams. And Jason was wanting to draft an Astrovan within the top 12.

I guess that means we have hockey to do at some point in the future. That one seems alright. That seems like I'm going to have to look at a list, because I can name you about three teams. Yeah, that'll be fun. All right. What did we learn today?

I learned that Andy has literally never been without toilet paper in his life. Didn't do the squat-a-waddle? No squat-a-waddle. And he waddled away. I learned there are professional dog food tasters that are not dogs. are professional dog food tasters that are not dogs. And I learned that mariners are sailors. That'd be fascinating.

Yeah. I mean, marine, right? Yeah. No, I mean, it makes sense. Not sure how they can fight. But maybe. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. howdy howdy howdy everybody it's the end of the show but i still got something to tell you about if you want to support this show if you want to get early access to this show if you want to get an ad free episode of this show join the spit.com be a great human being and support this show at join the spit it will make you taller i like that